Why Narcissist Can't Get You Out of His Mind? (Introject Constancy)
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- Опубліковано 20 тра 2024
- Watch this first: Narcissist First Discards You in His Mind, Then in Reality • Narcissist First Disca...
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During the devaluation and discard phases, the narcissist's attempts to hand over to you the introject (snapshot) that represents you in his mind, imbuing it with negativity (devaluation). It never works owing to the narcissist's introject constancy (intended to allay his abandonment anxiety/separation insecurity) and to his repetition compulsion.
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My understanding from this video is as follow (not sure if it’s correct):
1). Narc has an idealized snapshot of you;
2). and he coerced you to be his mother;
3). then he needs to get rid of you as a revenge to his mother who he was not able to separate from;
4). However he has “object constancy” and is unable to get his perfect snapshot of you (or others) from his mind;
5). Therefore he would devalue you-disrespect, humiliate, upset and hurt you in order to devalue the snapshot…
6). In case you leave the Narc after being devalued/discarded he will hoover you back because he cannot get rid of the original snapshot he took of you (he has anxiety when losing any of his snapshots);
7). But if you return to the Narc after being idealized/love-boomed again, the vicious cycle repeats itself-meaning he will want to separate from the “mother/you” again;
Conclusion: ultimately you are either abused and devalued permanently or you leave permanently with “NO CONTACT”
the narc has "introject and object inconstancy"
Thank you so much for the detail,
@@mimi42428 Can you explain those two to me? It's just that I understand English better if I read it vs. if I listen to it.
Not always correct. You view a narc as a partner, while it can be anyone, a parent, a sibling, a friend, a boss etc etc. Scenarios differ.
but how does this work with mortification? my narc ex did this to me, but because we have a child together, no contact isn't possible. He now seems to interact with me as the "devalued" snapshot, never the idealized snapshot.
Here I am again, on my Vakninflix mission to understand the complex mind of the narcissist. Thank you for sharing Professor. Nice hair cut.
Haha likewise!
The haircut is nice 👌🏾 yes, these synthesize all other information full circle and give me a firm understanding that they CANNOT change and are mentally ill. Point taken. 🫣
I caught my ex hoovering an old gf from childhood. She is now 50+ yrs older & handicapped. I couldn’t figure out why he would create an affair with her after 50 yrs. Now I realize he was having a fantasy with the snapshot of youth, not the women she is now. Its mind blowing how they do this.
So after having abused and discarded so many partners in his life, there must be a huge snapshot album in the narcissists mind....
Yes, I have questions for this place too - is getting rid of external object equal to getting rid of its snapshot or there is an eternal internal snapshot gallery? The latter would explain why narcissists are pinging through the years, like checking a backup copy - are there still files available 😅
Im guessing that's the case, that the narc has a whole album of snapshots lol. I've heard this called the narc harem (lots of videos on UA-cam on it). He has a list ef exes that he cycles back to once in a while. My ex husband who is a narc was contacting his old high school girlfriend (he is a cheater) so that rings true for me that he can't get rid of those introjects.
think of a large man who has not outgrown the age of 2 that is the narcissist
@@VanillaBabyGirl81 there is an eternal internal snapshot. All relationships are eternal.
@@jenniferweese3606 yes, this is the way they do
This makes so much sense. I could never get my ex to see that I was NOT disrespecting him, that I was NOT trying to hurt him and never had. He continued to believe his inner image of me no matter how many years I spent proving those accusations wrong.
It's like this with narcissist I think because they think a certain way so they don't understand that we can think differently than them it's projection
@@taraarrington2285 they think that everyone is like them.
Sometimes it's their delusions and to obtain an emotional response/fuel. The accusations seem often to be confessions about the very things they do themselves so they accuse you instead of taking responsibility.
@@NarcHark888 yes it's projection. Just whatever they projected you be sure not to own it or absorb it and then it has nowhere to land it has to go right back to them.
@@NarcHark888exactly!!
I figured that out years ago!
I just dealt with this with a covert narcissist. I began to start working more, making more money than him, began the process of opening my own business he started to complain I was talking about my business too much, he began to devalue me everyday. If I shared photos with him of a house I was buying he refused to comment. I stopped arguing with him, I began to respond assertively and not respond with emotions which only upset him more. He began to get angrier until he decided to discard me. I blocked him and went no contact. I noticed the more my life was improving, the more money I began to make he began to try to gain more power over me and insult me more daily and try to triangulate. I wish him well, but I refuse to be controlled.
You always talk about mother. And the narcs relationship to mother.but what about the fathers role in the narcs life.
This stuff is more deeper than a rabbit hole! Thank you Professor!
Remain indifferent and continue moving FORWARD!!
🎯🎯
You seem lighter, happier than when I first discovered your videos. I really enjoy watching your talks and sharing them with friends who are dealing with partners who have these issues. I was able to extricate myself from a toxic friendship a few years ago with your help, thank you.
My heart breaks every time he doesn’t start the video saying “hello shoshanims”
I wonder if this is why i always felt my ex narc was still hung up on his exes, even long before i ever had evidence. I had never experienced being so preoccupied with a partners exes or female friends until the relationship with him. I think I somehow absorbed this information energetically. It makes so much sense now, why i was fixated on this, learning that they keep a harem of internal objects in their minds that include all of their exes. Fascinating stuff.
Wow!! You ARE 100% correct!
I kept wondering where all my pics are disappearing to….. all my albums, boxes of pics, missing…. He made sure I was in no photos with him & his family and if I was they are gone!!!
It all makes sense now….
I’m not leaving…. He’s trying to force me out of my home by treating me like a piece of crap.
But I don’t let it bother me…. For years before I knew what he was it would upset me greatly…. I would beg & plead for him to tell me what was wrong and he would not talk, ever!!!
But, everything you say to a “T” is 100% correct. I’ve lived it for over 30 years!
He’s trying to force me out…..
i found out a lot of things he did that are Federal Offenses
And if I need to go there, I will.
No fool over here anymore!
TYSVM Sam Vaknin, You are my therapist.❤
I got away after 11 years of this and these videos help me stay away. Thank you
I am so glad that these videos and knowledge are out in the open for free. More and more I understand my ex-girlfriend whose behavior was shocking me to the core. I broke up with her when she disrespected me in a very painful way. First I was angry and confused, then I learned about NPD and was angry at myself for ignoring the red flags. Now it makes me sad. Why NPD is so difficult to treat?
Why do we always ignore red flags I've always ignored red flags too and it's always the same pattern you know love bombing devaluation discard and then whatever I get myself together here they come
Because individuals with NPD are completely unable of introspection. Their defense mechanisms to avoid such are so incredibly hardwired that it makes them nearly impossible to treat, if not completely.
In order to change and become a healthy person you've got to be self aware and accept you're wrong sometimes and take accountability. They are just not capable of doing so. Utterly emotionally stunted.
I'm sorry you're going through this. For us neurotypicals is traumatizing to grasp this concept but radical acceptance is necessary to not prolong the misery they bring and how it breaks you. One day at the time pal..
@@jenniferorozco6974they will NEVER be held accountable or admit they were wrong, even if you can prove it!!!!
Finally someone explaining Narcissism through Melanie Klien's theories and defenses. They are the most complicated but it makes sense why Narcissist's psyche is also complicated and beyond comprehension for most.
I extensely work with Survivors of Narcissistic abuse and most of it is explaining to them that how the abuse has nothing to do with the survivors instead is about the complexities held by Narcissists in their psyche since childhood.
Where or how do you find someone who will be able to help survivors of a narcissist or Narcissistic abuse please?
@@alexischristian4004, narcissism is not a nationality, religion or ideology, so please do not capitalize it.
I wish I would have known this 4 YRS ago, this is some REALLY CRAZY STUFF!! Being in that MIND AND BODY has to be the HARDEST THING!
Same here!!😢
This is hands down-the best explanation ever.
Deceitfulness is described by the DSM as a psychopathic trait. If I recall correctly, most narcissists tend to confabulate instead of just telling plain lies. However, I read in one of your texts that the exploitative behavior of a narcissist also implies some kind of manipulation, in order to reach his goal, even though being highly dissociative makes him believe that he has found a perfect 'mate' (or a mirror) in the beginning of a relationship with someone who can be idealized. In other words, how could he not have pretended during the love bombing phase, since he lacks both affective empathy and positive emotionality, although he may mislabel his conduct, as if it were well-meant? Cooper also suggests that pathological lying is inherent to covert narcissism. Finally, I'd like to thank you for posting such insightful videos. They've helped me a lot so far.
Lo
Thank you very much for your passion to explain this complicated concept. Even ignorant like myself finally catched the idea... Still trying to understand why my private narc behaved this unbelievably weird way... I'm crushed....but I belive that knowledge is a power. One day I will rebuild broken me....I can only feel sorry for people with NPD....hope not to be a target to another one anymore....
So well
explained …. THANK YOU!
very well explained! and understood! Thank you.
Thank you for your explanations, Professor!
You made perfect sense as my relationship was by FB chats during pandemic lockdown with a schoolmate I knew 60 years ago. In 1963 he was "cruel", his behavior never changed over a lifetime of psychotic endings.
He lives 7700 miles away.
Your "snapshot" discussion revealed exactly what I saw/endured on social media. FB is his father/mother, abundant flying monkeys, where he can remain King of the hill. Yes you made sense using the "snapshot". Thanks.
Really nice haircut! Thanks for todays lesson!
Thank you this was extremely helpful 👍🏻
I'm living this right now. Your videos are very helpful
Perfect analysis! 👌👌👌
So I’m an idealized extension of himself that he seeks to punish? -married to a Narc 33 years, recently setting boundaries & healing.
thank you for sharing your knowledge. This is really helpful
Love the haircut 👌 I'm glad you kept the name.
Oooooh, just finished listening to your explanation until the end of the video! It's ALL CLEAR now!!! I have never heard such a perfect explanation, and the example you have provided of the snapshot made it clearer and easier to understand!!!! ✨✨✨ Thank you so much Doctor 🙏🏻
Very well explained. Thank you for sharing this! ❤
Wow you are a gem. You nailed each and every step of my discard with my ex narc
Nailed it. Great info.
Narcs have lots of ex supplies, so do they keep all of them in their minds? Can they not get any of the previous supplies out of their minds or only the main supplies? The number 1's (as my ex would call me). The older they get, the more supplies they collect, their minds must be over flowing with snapshots of all ex supplies ... what a nightmare for poor old narcky !
Watch my videos.
The ex told me the other day when he has sex with women he sees pictures of all of past supplies flashing before his eyes. I think he had so many relationships in this lifetime that it messes with his mind whenever he tries to have a new relationship. I personally feel he is going crazy lol.
Awesome explanation doc Sam. Complexity is strategically explained by you and no one can do better other than you. Thanks
Damn! Prof. Vaknin you hit the ball out of the park with this video! Thank you so much! Brilliant!
Prof. You hit the nail right on the. HEAD.wow man wow.
Thank you Prf. Sam Vaknin.
This is profoundly accurate. every time I watch one of Sam's video iam enlighten.
Really helpful Sam I am beginning to understand. It matches my lived experience. Thanks
#clarity.
Thank you, Professor.This made sense,utterly.
professor Vaknin, thank you
Thank you for your brilliant mind professor Vaknin !! I'm addicted to your videos.
Wow !! Amazing! Well said .😍
Nice haircut Dr. Vaknin!! 👍🏼
Hello Dr. Vaknin
Thank you for your informative video.
Like your new haircut.
This is a very good perspective of the idealization of the Narcissists 🧠
My gosh perfectly explicit execution of what one goes through when involved with the narcissist! Others may try to repeat Prof Vaknin but you sir will never be duplicated! Impossible! Just wow! Always an education. Thank you!
While I listen to this video I am going over in my mind everything that happened with my narc and understanding everything totally and completely. Thank you Sam.🙏🏻💫
I wish he would get a whiteboard and draw a chart, so I would understand too. But my second best option is to rewatch the video. Or use my own whiteboard.
Very well explained. Completely clarity.
Your haircut is nice but more hair is much nicer.😊
Thank you for all that you do, Prof. Vaknin. I was wondering if you have a book list anywhere of novels that truly impacted you or expanded your knowledge meaningfully. Cheers.
I have found Prof Sam to be eerily accurate in everything he says. Thank you Professor. Much appreciated.
You explain things that make perfect sense in my mind. From the day we met to the discard 23 years later, this explains so much in such an eerie way. Thank you for your work.
Thank you professor.
Thank you Sam.
fresh cut ! ... Looking spiffy my guy 👍
Love the hair 😘
So interesting. Thank you
The final explanation made since. That must be why they apologize and try to remember the good times after the relationship has ended.
They reach out like they forgot how the relationship fell apart, or choose to ignore why the relationship fell apart.
I think your hair cut looks really good and I love your videos and your voice Catherine from the uk 😊💐
I’m just amazed how you intuitively know all this. I was married to a narcissist/ psychopath for 14 years. He still tries to control me via court.
Unfortunately I got into several more similar situations with narcissistic men and I’m in the process of getting away from another man right now. Your videos have helped me immensely. I am so grateful for you doing this. Just understanding the background of the actions is a huge help to me to have strength to get away. AGAIN. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏
Sir,I love your sense of humour❤️
U r still Sam Vaknin after the hair cut AND
I am Still Lingraj After Narcissistic Abuse Survived ONLY because of the help I got from Ur videos.
Thanks so much.
Namaste from Bangalore ,India .🙏🇮🇳💐
Understood... Every word makes total sense.
This helps but still yearning for it to become real loving and healthy relationship.
Now that I understand the concept I do not feel bad about being devalued and discarded.
amazing explanation
Love the haircut!
Hair looks great Professor Vaknin, suits you :)
P.s
Great video.. very well explained from start to finish :)
Love this hair Sam! Suits you.
It is a good haircut for you.
More importantly the information you have given is much much needed. I’m coming to a head on collision with someone I’ve been with for many years and realize what is finally happening. All this time I was so confused between dementia or is he borderline ?
Prof Vaknin this is exactly the story of my abusive marriage, which is now a distant memory thank God
No one needs this level of psychological drama in their life. It’s great and interesting to read up on. But in actual real life, no one needs this level of mentally I’ll drama in their lives.
Just move so far on and so fast and deal with healthy people
New haircut rocks! So the snapshot is forever. The failure is not being able to get you(the snapshot) out their head? It sounds like the narcissist either makes the snapshot perfect resulting in love bombing or all bad resulting in discard/devaluation. The narcissist in their mind controls this idealization or degradation of this snapshot. It makes me think of an artist who might paint a perfectly beautiful picture of nature with bright colors & then destroys by blotting, black paint on it. At anytime the paint 🎨 can dry on the canvas & the artist can make another beautiful picture/snapshot (hovering and or love bombing)
Nice haircut Vaknin 👌
😂 that was a good opening!
Very aerodynamic haircut 💇♂️ lol 😂 thanks for the new video.
Incredible.
Great haircut🥰
Q: I think my ex is N, but not certain. He idealised his mother and also insisted he was the perfect son. I knew I was idealised early in the relationship, but then later felt I fell severely short in the comparison. I was devalued. I Also felt manipulated at times into performing as she had.
Do Narcissist’s ever idealise
their mothers?
I never got to meet his mother, but a mutual friend said she was controlling and that my ex and her had a kind of oedipus (but certainly not sexual)relationship. Hence no earlier girlfriends were good enough for him.
This is exactly what happened to me in a 17 year marriage. I am a 44 year old male and it is exactly how things happened. Helped me heal a lot to understand how the hell all the madness makes sense to them. As a person that goes thru the phases not understanding anything, this video clarifies it all. My
Loving wife chocked me, threatened to kill me, burn me with hot oil. Etc etc. Not sure if the physical was worst than the psychological. Thanks for organizing the process and you can’t be more right. It’s so empowering to be able to interact now with this person and see all these things happen so in sequence so exactly the same it’s complete madness. There will be no deviation from this pattern from what I see.
Perhaps your wife is comorbid - more than just NPD. Dr. V has videos on other personality disorders and some disorders mix & combine!
Omg i was thinking im only im this world with this patological persona..this is sick.my kids are with that.only 10years i almost kill myself last 4..how you survive 17years??? Im on antidepressant and i move 2000km abroad.
Oh my gosh I'm so sorry to hear this yes this is not okay and anyway any kind of abuse is not okay I have two children with a man who did this kind of stuff to me
Thank you ! This explanation is very clear and feels exactly like what happened. If I told him I only served as a prop to reenact the unfinished business with his mother, could he even grasp that ?
Nope he won't
Nice haircut Sam...🙃❤
If a narcissist watched this video, would it resonate with him/her? I mean, do they “get it”? Could they say, “that does happen to me”, or “yeah, feels like that”. However, they can’t stop it. Perhaps, if a narcissist has watched this video and has read this comment/question, they could reply how they related to it. I am curious about the depth of their acknowledgment of understanding it.
No, they'd say "So and so does that" as they project their own negative behavior on others.
They are aware of their BEHAVIORS, but not of their MOTIVATIONS or other psychological dynamics.
I have narcissistic tendencies (especially cerebral NPD) but I'm not officially diagnosed, I am here watching Prof. Sam to help myself to heal.
I was in a relationship with a BPD girl, and the describe process by prof Sam resonate with me, the big picture is the same, maybe some details could be different from person to another.
I ended the relationship with her almost 4 months ago, because she betrayed me several times, and i didn't want to recycle the relationship anymore, I took a decision to help myself to heal.
But it's true, I find it difficult to get rid of the introjects, it's more painful than leaving the real intimate partner.
Prof. Sam if you read this comment, please can you suggest me some books or some of your videos that could help me in my process of healing?
Thank you.
Wow 💙Nice haircut!
My first memory is of maternal primary caregiver abandonment when I was 12 months old. The material is convoluted and new to me, but I can evaluate that I have enacted previously in a similarly patterned manner -a couple times in my life.
Thank you for engagingly sharing your expertise! You must have spent many many years hyper-attending to focus these complex mental disorders! Thanks bruh!
Can you please illustrate more about splitting please? Thank you 🙏🏻
Mr. Vaknin, thank you for your immensely valuable information on this subject. I've seen several of your videos. Putting some things together, I want to see if I understood well: behind the narcissist's inability to come to a completion of his original separation through separation of an intimate partner-even when he physically separates from them-lies in the fact that he cannot separate from the introject of this partner (and mother). Did I understand well that they cannot get rid of the introject(s) because of a giant fear of abandonment? If not so, what then causes the inability to get rid of the introjects? And, do less wounded people have introjects too and do they go about them differently? Merry Christmas you!
Thank you
thank you
Got it!!
I just got dumped by a man who I think is a narcissist. He told me how cool I was but that he found someone else hahaha some dissonance there? The new relationship that he is forming is long distance . she is being idealized from afar only to be discarded when they finally meet. What a loser... I can't believe I spent 3 yrs on this guy.
Though always come back if you let them especially if they need something
Prof Vaknin, this video is very difficult to understand, but makes a lot of sense. Could somebody in a TANS state, or parentified CPTSD state also adopt this pathological narcassitic attraction process? Or is this process not possible for someone without pathological NPD?
Also, I am guessing that the difference between this and a normal idealisation process of attraction to a new partner would be that the original image of “new partner” in the mind is not all good, and is a realistic snapshot of who the person is, not what the narcassist wants them to be?
Great video. 🤯
I love ❤️ your jokes
"RICH!!...if the narcissist is Jewish. "🤣🤣🤣
Nice haircut doc!
I have watched a lot of your videos on you tube. Thanks! You have helped med a lot in my process of understanding my life with my now EX-husbond (married for 22 years and it has been so many things I couldn’t “grasp” in my mind. He is a covert n and has been leader of the church we were in and positions like that. But at home /alone with him - and our 3 children, now grown ups- he has been so difficult to live with… But, and this is my point of writing here: Though I felt that he in a very long period has discarded and devalued me and I for a long time felt like I was slowly dying, bit after bit,he didn’t move or throw me out. It was me alone who gad to take the decision to leave and (for people in the church and so -and especially his parents!!!) it was a chock and I am “the bad one” !!!
So: he devalued and discarded me “insides” but I had to do the break up (to survive mentally etc). And he still has the ring on his finger and has a lot of “pitty-power” over our kids, who still seems angry at me and dont see me very often. It’s because he keeps saying “we married to death us depart”. And he argues with that promise and will never agree the divorce…that I (alone) has wanted.
How often does that happen, you think? That the narc makes life miserable for the partner but will not take the consequense and agree in divorce etc…
This sounds similar to what happened with my mom & myself. She allowed my father to abuse me as a child and as an adult she did other things that are hard to even speak about because of how shameful they are and continues to try to make me feel like everything is my fault. As a result of this I cut contact with her & my father and now she throws a pity party and tries to use my religion (Christianity) against me by saying I should honor her 🤦♀️ She tells everyone I’m the cruel one for distancing myself but she won’t ever admit any of the harm she did to me. Ever. She tells people a different story and that I am making things up. The final straw for me was when she tried to use my sons to control me… I’m so over it. I don’t feel guilty because I am not going to allow her to continue to abuse and hurt me but sometimes I wonder how can people be this way. I currently struggle with ruminating about all that I’ve been through with my parents.
@@arlette2722 ❤️❤️❤️wish you all the best!!!
I know the ruminating!! It also takes some of my sleep some nights…! The worst thing is when the children are in “the middle of it all” and I’ m so sorry for them, when they are victims of his behavior as well… he doesn’t hit them og anything like that, but they’re often not really allowed to have their own opinion and I know they walk on egshells now when with him. But I can’t og will not force them to be with me. Just try to make my home a place, where they are free to be who they truly are, and can say to me what they want without being afraid … I moved out (from the beautyful place that we build op together… and which I miss, the big garden and so…) in october 2020 and their father seems to still hope I’ m coming back… That will never happen!!
It's just makes me cry with regret to know that a lot of years of my life were just wasted on tolerating, trying to understand and make things work with an an individual in a grown man body who always had the emotional maturity level of a toddler. He never apologized nor took accountability for intentional sabotage, confusion and chaos he continually created for over twenty five years. The older they get the more miserable, abusive and evil they become and one of the last words spoken to him were how no matter what, I wasn't a miserable person and still had much to look forward to in this life while he would just go on existing all alone as the same superficial pathological liar and empty shell with no hope.
Aloha🌺 I am sorry for the decades of pain and confusion you have endured, especially under the guise of religion. I am Christian and it deeply saddens me how such horrible things are done in God's name which have nothing to with Him and are often evil.
I think the situation you describe happens frequently, narcissists may follow a similar underlying mechanism but they are still individuals with unique mitigating factors in how their pathology manifests. NPD is a 'trauma response' at its core and includes arrested development, emotionally. They enlist others with their highly attuned cognitive abilities and stream of lies. They usually malign those closest to them, constantly redirecting the perceived threat and inflicting projected pain, a child still defending themselves from abuse and rejection (decades later).
Years ago, I left a man who continues to destroy every facet of my life, in ways beyond anything I could have conceived of long ago. During the time we were together, he entrenched himself deep into my life. I thought we were building a life, in reality he was building a prison replete with chains to bind me. When he turned on me, we fought and I eventually left. Most people see him as a suffering, devoted man whose generosity and commitment is unwavering. They have no idea of who he is or what he has done. Narcissists dwell in such a desperate state, they will use any means to maintain their illusion, both the one they portray externally and the one which lies within.
This has happened to me, I filed for a divorce whether he agreed to it or not. I was done and over it mentally, physically and emotionally. There was just no way I'd ever consider going back to that. It was a clean cut, no contact situation and still refuse to 15 years and a completed divorce later. Nope.
Dear professor Vaknin, thank you so much for all you do and share. I have a question - why after trying to get rid of the snapshot and failing, then discarding a real person the NPD are hoovering afterwards? How the process goes further? Thank youl.