I am a very secure person. I have my own life and passion. I have been married 26 years. We had intense talk about how he is all romantic and happy if I am my usual happy go lucky person. But if I am in a sad or bad mood (sometimes because of my premenopause) he just leaves me alone. I understood that he does not know how to handle the situation. So I told him in a situation like this just give me a hug. But nothing. Why I have to be the one EVERY SINGLE TIME to start talking and mend the relationship. I feel absolutely no emotional support from him.
Probably because you are very secure, he got very secure as well or already was. When I had a more needy partner, I became a bit avoidant. Not much, but e.g. for me it was enough from the cudling, but she wanted more, but I did not give her, because my back already hurt from the lots of lying. Little I understood, how much she needed it. Fast fowrard few years. With emotional abuses I got broke inside, and I was alone for years. Finally got a partner, I was anxious very much. Tried to communicate, that currently I am sensitive, but not much luck. Actually we had a conversation, where I told her I need cuddles, and she said "I cant lie all day in a bed". Little she understood, how much I needed it. Little she understood how much it hurt, the way she said it, even if I agree with it. She just did not understand me. Did not see me. She was a true avoidant as it turned out. Anyways, your case happens, when we take the other for granted and forget the luxury of having someone with us and mostly everything works. Sometimes have to stop, look around, and realize how much to be valued. Often we value the other after losing it. What I learned, that we have to give compliments to our partners, at least for me. I did not get much in my childhood from my parents, so it is something new to me. When I got compliments from my partner it felt really good. Thats where I understood, that I need to look for the good traits of the other. Sadly I am often looking for the bad things. Thats my default, but working on it. And it helped for me to value the things, that we have, and value the other, hence, take more seriously her needs if she needs me. Because 2 most important things in a relationship: be emotionally available, open to your partner, and if it needs you, then be there. These are the fundaments. The other is not granted. It is a work. And I have to be there if she needs me. But again, in a 26 years of marriage it may be not that easy, I do not have such, so I dont want to be "smart".
@@SidneyWells you are discribing the "friendship" aspect of a loving relationsgip in a very beautiful way. To be yourself, honest and open is very good. That is the only way we can know if someone really loves us for who we are right? It is about being real and saying what you think. Yess, also compliments. That can feel really "icky" if you are not used to it, right? About focussing on the negative, Abraham Hicks talks a lot about that. I hope you find something in the vast ocean of the recorded material of that woman (Esther) that helps you. In short: We create our own reality What we think is true (so an attitude of gratitude is great!) Our thoughts are source of our feelings We can learn to focus on feeling good (God, Love) Where attention flows, energy goes, and what you give energy (to), grows In "avoidant" terms focussing on negative aspects of their partner is a defense mechanism, It is called "flaw finding". Avoidants use it to create emotional distance when intimacy (being real) is too scary. And also, nobody is perfect. If your partner was perfect they wouldn't motivate you to grow and learn. If we are aware of what we want and need from our partner, we can learn to ask for it in a way that they understand. Be creative, be playful. Like, "I'd love to do your dishes, pick you up, do your laundry or whatever, but before or aftes I need a huge hugg ( or maybe the opposite, I really need some alone time 😋)" Thais Gibson (personal developement school here on youtube) says: A relationship is an exchange of needs met. Yes, negotiation. What can we do for eachother. No expectations, share freely Jimmy on Relationships (great guy, very funny) says that a great question lovers can ask eachother is : How can I love you better? What do you think? Let me know 😉 Yes, taking anything for granted is a no no. This life is amazing and people are amazing, we should appreciate it as a present, be present, Love is worth it. 🙏🏵🧡
I’m anxious and have had only 2 significant relationships which involved a DA and an FA. It was absolutely the most emotionally neglectful, disrespectful, and abusive ever. It has pushed me to not even want to be involved in a relationship ever again. I was always the kind, understanding, loving, compassionate, supportive partner and all they did was project their pain and blame me. It felt like I was the only one really trying to grow the relationship. I did the inner work and healing only to be a casualty of their own war. Most of the time I felt like I was in a relationship but all alone or catering to their needs. If I expressed my feelings, it was a problem…or rather they made me feel like I was creating it. I don’t want to close down my loving and playful nature…I just will be more careful when investing my emotions. Def not giving it away to people who use me as a emotional punching bag
Avoidants avoid. Apparently even if they decide to go to therapy there is a fair chance they'll be triggered by it and quit, like they get triggered by emotional closeness in a relationship and quit. So while vídeos with self-help advice for avoidants do exist they are in much less demand and get far fewer hits.
@@blatherskyt Avoidants are more like pets than partners. There aren't many videos on "I'm a cat.. how can I be a better pet for my human?" The actual adult in the relationship has to do all the work if they want to keep the relationship alive, although the pet must be cooperative for it to work.
Based on exp with DA, they will always change mind, mood and plans. its always unpredictable, today she is good tomorrow she and so forth doesnt exist. Dating a DA is like dating a ghost.
Agreed. It seems the best way to love them is from a distance. Work on loving yourself, healing the anxious attachment wound that allowed the relationship to continue, then get back out there and attract the love you want and deserve 💪🏽
Until I learned about avoidance in relationships, I was convinced that some guys simply didn't like me although I wasn't sure about it. Thanks to you everything is much much clearer now. 🙏😘 However I would still rather date somebody who is not avoidant.😄
so draining, the simple things you want them to reciprocate to show you love like simple gestures without asking or telling them to do, they really struggle. I’m a secured attachment and I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for them to show the smallest efforts. The frustration comes when you’re doing 99% of everything. They don’t offer or do if you don’t ask, and if you ask, they get a little annoyed. It’s very difficult to love them, and it will feel it’s one sided where you end up doing everything all on your own.
I'm going through the exact same thing. And yes, it really drains you.. I'm not even sure anymore if I still wanted our relationship to work. It feels like I'm the only one who has future plans for both of us..
This video has already changed my life in my relationship with myself and acknowledging what anxiety is and how to acknowledge it. Literally changed my life 💯
A lot of men tend towards this avoidant attachment style, but they often are solid people in many other aspects of life (honest, dependable, industrious, etc). As long as he is willing to acknowledge his shortcomings and work on things together (where as Briana points out, you need to also do your part because it's not just about 'fixing him'), it may be better to stay and try to make it work out.
You’re so right. I didn’t realize I had this anxious attachment. Several years into my relationship I became depressed, abandoning my spiritual practices and became preoccupied with my partner instead. That’s when I started behaving in a needy and controlling ways and drove my avoidant partner away.
@@rangerdanger10 oeh, that's a high price to pay. Put yourself first is .... well, great advice, don't you think? Do you have a solid plan to get back on your feet? Babysteps off course 🧡🏵🙏 Ps, I "lost" a great (potential) lover too, but learned so much I am hearing someone say: "The best is jet to come" Could that be true? 😉😘😁
Avoidants are wired different. Same way you feel that it puts you in limbo when we avoid emotions and tell you to do the same you guys put us in limbo when you want us to be more sensetive, share your emotions or express feelings more. It's a misunderstanding from both sides. Trying to change the other side makes them feel bad about themselves because we process things on opposite ways in order to feel good. There's no good or bad guy here. Just a blindspot. Neither side really wants to hurts each other.
Best video I ever came across, I am self- dependent and my covert D/A openend up a lot and I can feel his love as he is showing deep care for me. I seem to give him emotional freedom to feel safe with me. I do not question him but have my strong boundaries which I communicate. I only talk about what I want for myself not asking for it directly. Thank you Briana ❤ greetings from Germany, he is from Slovenia where I am right now
@@derekenlow7607 I only talk about my own feelings, give him space which he does not want anymore, never accuse him of anything. Also giving him emotional space, not pushing him into anything.
I think not reading negative assumptions into their actions is so key especially for the anxious person … seems like human beings never assume positive intent
Every time I see comments that demonize the avoidant, I wonder what in the world they are doing here. Clearly they do care about the inner world of an avoidant, yet the comments would lead you to believe they got to this video by accident.
I feel this sense that it's so much more work for the anxious partner... the anxious partner has to do all this self-reflection and deep, uncomfortable work, everyday really, to "deal" with the anxiety and make sure to not "need too much affection" from their partner... yet, what does the avoidant partner need to do? Nothing but sit back and wait for the anxious person to change? I think this is where the resentment sets in for a lot of anxiously attached folks. It really feels like the avoidant gets to sit back and sip lemonade until the anxious person transforms to make the avoidant feel better.
@@healingwithforrestYes! That’s a bit of how I feel. I feel I have made a lot of changes in myself, which are probably for the better, but it still takes energy to stop caring and be less anxious. I’m anxious in general life, so I’m trying very hard to start worrying less about things I have no control over.
@healingwithforrest What you say really resonates with my experience. After 30 years, yes 30 years of self reflection, therapy and work on myself because i was lead to believe i was the one who had the problem, i have just ended our relationship and i am devastated. I have tried so hard and for so long to accept that if i love him then i have to try and accept him as he is. This has lead to me going from secure in my attachment to becoming anxious and avoidant within the relationship. I have withdrawn from him emotionally, feel incredibly hurt by his total lack of emotional support, on the rare occasion i actually express a need for some, and can't help but get very angry and resentful when he let's me down once again. I have only recently discovered that our problems are because of his attachment issues, he is still wearing a blindfold or burying his head in the sand and cannot even begin to talk about any of this. I feel so bad for ending things but i also see that unless he were to get himself some help, things will never change and i can't cope anymore.
They are exhausting. It's like rowing up a swift river backwards. We found out about their style of connecting after we married and had children. I hope this answers your question,
I'm shocked as some leaning more secure these days, lots of therapy, with ambivalent tendencies dating someone who's the same that people are talking about these attachment styles as if they're fixed permanent traits. When there's conflict in my relationship only then can I see which way we might lean more as far as both being ambivalent, thus why I'm here. Realizing all the ways I'm definitely part, one half, of the problem. Though our relationship seems potentially unique given it's not just straight anxious vs avoidant attachment. So I take what works and leave the rest.
This is the most insightful and high-value experience I’ve had in exploring improvement in relationship skills. I learned so much about myself, and gained important perspective in management of my own life path and forming stronger bonds through self acceptance and mindfulness! Thank you so much, I’m recommending your series to friends!
I’m trying so hard to remain indifferent to my partner… he barely ever compliments me or shows me any affection but he says he loves me… I grew up ignored as a child and it’s starting to feel like my partner is my parents all over again
Interestingly, I can find avoidant attachment in an astrology chart. This indicates that there’s more to it than just childhood issues. Past life issues are at play when it shows in the chart.
Best way to love an avoidant is to leave them alone. If they're unable to find a partner there´s a chance that they'll go to therapy and stop their abusive behaviour. Find yourselves a healthy partner instead - stay safe out there.
Thanks so much for your comment. I have recently get dumped by an avoidant. I feel used and neglected but i knew deep inside of me that he wasn't my person or an healthy partner.
So sad that many of the posts here reflect the misunderstanding and unfair judgement of Avoidants. I mean maybe some Narcissists are Avoidants, but not all Avoidants are narcissistic! Mostly they are damaged people from childhood, or haven’t dealt with the emotional baggage from a bad adult relationship. Personally type; which is innate/God given at birth; has a lot to do with it, as well.
I agree with you 100%. I just started dating an avoidant a few months ago and it is a mixed bag, but very satisfying for me! I have an anxious attachment style, but outside of relationships I am very self confident and self assured. My other is constantly overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings and my honesty. sometimes it bothers me that she feels overwhelmed and other times it really feels like I am in control of the relationship. It doesn't matter to me so much what she says, I can tell she craves being around me. In the moments when things are too much for me, I pull back and she can see that there is literally a danger of me leaving her... she is strong enough to then ask me to stay. To be honest, this relationship is kind of interesting... what is your understanding of what I'm seeing, if you don't mind?
@@pedroariza7892 It sounds familiar…Lol… to a certain extent. You are male (I assume)… I’m female. You are an Anxious. I’m an Avoidant; but, a “healthy” one… and, also an experienced (life) one, at almost 59. Of course the personalities of all involved are extremely important; I think more so than “attachment style”. Also, my guy and I are both “Believers”, and I think that has a lot to do with it all as well! Compatibility is really the key! As for your description of your current relationship… with you being the guy, frankly, I think that it’s more often the men who leave relationships (that’s been the experience of all of the women I’ve known, and some of my own, however…), but as the Avoidant, I was the one who left many of my relationships, when I was younger; basically, back then, being insecure and less healthy, I left them before they could leave me (and one, who was “the love of my life”; looking back now; I found out, years later, would not have left; rather, he actually wanted to marry me). As an Avoidant, I undermined/sabotaged myself quite often; in a lot of areas in my life. Point is… I wouldn’t be so sure that your Avoidant won’t walk away from you one day; I wouldn’t “test” that with her. You mentioned feeling that you are in “control”… no one person should be in “control” of the other person, or the relationship. You also mentioned “pulling away”, which causes a response in her to chase you (which seems to be reassuring and gratifying to you, as an Anxious). *Just don’t “USE” that as a “tactic”… that is called manipulation.* Neither of you should be playing these “games”. It’s not healthy… or fair to the other person. Much better to have an honest, vulnerable, calm and clear, non-threatening conversation/discussion. She MAY not be very responsive in the moment, or all that talkative, but she will hear you, and it will make a difference. You’ll need to gently revisit the topic, at a later date, if you don’t get any feedback at the time, nor see any eventual “action” on her part. My guy is also an Avoidant, like me; tough a less emotionally healthy one… not a “sharer”. Often when I express some “frustrations” in our relationship, he will not respond, at all, verbally… he just takes it all in; I can “see” him processing/accessing. What DOES happen, however, is that he will “adjust” his former “actions” to be more accommodating to my expressed concerns/wishes. He doesn’t talk, but he acts! And, that is huge. He is demonstrating how much he cares about me, and that he wants to make me happy, and continue the relationship. (It’s possibly that you and I are saying the same things, just in slightly different ways. Lol) Relationships take a lot of work, some more than others. (It also matters WHY the two of you are together; Is it just for “fun”, or are you BOTH looking for a committed, long/term relationship??) All these things matter. Hope something in the above 👆helps! (Look into “Love Languages”, as well! 👍🏼) Best wishes!
What if I've tried a few dozen different hobbies, and I just don't enjoy or see value in anything other than a high-quality romantic relationship? And honestly i also don't want my partner to love me because i have my own hobbies so we spend as little time together as possible. I want my partner to want to spend as MUCH time together as possible, and i want his universe to revolve around me. I just truly don't understand how a relationship can be worthwhile without it. Without it, it feels transactional. And just to be clear, I'm not saying i need or even want to actually spend a ton of time together. I just want a partner who craves being with me. How much time we actually spend together doesn't matter. I also WANT a partner who i can rely on for validation. Otherwise, what's the point of having a partner? I want more than merely materialistic comforts.
Well... you definitely know what you want. And (what you're describing as your want) isn't ANY personality type that has any tendency to these traits she's discussing. Many of which are pretty darned healthy attitudes (in the video). Nobody can be everybody's cup of tea. Just print out your statement here, & show it to people who make it past the 1st date. 😉 That will weed them out for you. 🫣 TBH, They would be miserable with the personality & attachment type you are describing (as desirable to you).
This sounds like a desire for codependency and enmeshment. These are not things that are considered healthy for a relationship. These things can lead to instability and probably fuel an anxious attachment style.
The best way to love your avoidant is: From a distance. A very far away distance. Stop making excuses. You do not have to tolerate their crap in the name of love. Dont mistake empathy and love for Codependency and stupidity. Heal the wounds they left on you and love from afar. Your sanity resumes then while they are still playing the same old clapped out tune. Toughen up before they destroy and milk every last drop of joy from the cells in your body and leave you with almost permanent anxiety. THAT is how to love an avoidant.
Every time I see a comment like that is clear op lacks a lot of self awareness and just needs someone to use as an emotional trash bag. I’m glad you leave your avoidants partners, they deserve better than to made responsible for your own process
@@loliipop070409 they ARE the emotional trashbag. And it doesn't seem like he is better off to me. Buried up to his eyeballs in alcoholism, while Im back to healing and caring for myself. They deserve "themselves"👌 project ypur fakeness somewhere else avoider 👋
I actually healed from unconscious FA to a self-made SA vis-a-vis my DA. Once I became consistent in my security, it rubbed off on him, and he becomes more secure too. He has never judged me harshly for my lesser moments in which I rocked the boat. He has always expressed desire for repair and building more trust. Be what may in the future, my DA is a man of integrity, kindness, forgiveness, generosity and care.
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
@@oilyskinguru thank you for watching and sharing your experience. Gently, I am going to suggest the following, and of course you can take what serves you and leave the rest. But if you gave him space, and he drifted away, you should let them go. It is not someone that is meant for you, and in this case, rejection is protection. Because, you want to commit yourself to someone that wants to be with you, not someone that you have to convince to be with you. Sending you big hugs.
@brianamacwilliam.attachment thanks. He called me last week 3 times, which lasted for less than 3 minutes. Usually, our calls can last for an hour or 2. He still replies to me sometimes. Last night he promised he would call but he didn't. He called this morning and told me he fell asleep. He told me he's just detaching from everyone. He's not angry at me, and I shouldn't worry. He still loves me and cares about me. The change in our routines makes me anxious. I hope I can overcome this.
@@oilyskinguruI just reconnected to my avoidant partner after she asked me to propose to her and then 6 months after the idea of marriage freaked her out and she ran. It took 4 months of letting her be and then reminding her that when she asked me to not contact her, she agreed to eventually give me the decency of a breakup conversation. She’s now interested in hanging out again and has agreed to couples therapy within 6 months. Calm and collected and slow is all I can say.
@richardwallis9374 he's back to communicating with me again. He consistently communicated to me last July 12-15. Then he went to Ireland he sent me pics till the 17th. He called me on the 17th we spoke for an hour and a half. The next day no calls and text. Friday I got pissed off. I have been sick for 3 days he hasn't even checked on me. His reply lacks empathy. He just said to leave him alone because he's at his mate's. He didn't even tell me about it beforehand. Then he told me he would be working over the weekend at lake district. He messaged me earlier today to tell me where in lake district he would be working. Then now no calls and text after his work. I am getting tired with his stone walling and silent treatement. He was not like this before. He used to be loving and caring. He became like this since January since I caught him that he cheated on me. He begged for forgiveness, and he said he wants to make our relationship work. But since then, it feels like his mask slips off. He just changed for the worst.
What the avoidant is doing, is esentially emotional abuse and neglect. I don t know why we treat them better then narcissists or psychopaths. Each of them are esentially manipulative, abusive and neglectful. I also think if you react badly to their neglect, it does NOT mean you re necesarily anxious. Just means you have healthy needs, and you re reacting to emotional abuse which is a trauma response. I m a licenced psychotherapist, and all the personality disorders are esentially trauma responses, and narcissistic abuse in my pov is not worse than avoidant neglect and stonewalling. Or other way said, each is a nightmare, but we should not defend avoidants, and try to cater to their needs. No darlin. They gotta go to therapy and work on themselves, otherwise they will esentially lose their loving partners.
I know it can be painful when you are on the receiving end. But you very insightfully point out that avoidant patterns are exactly what you describe here, a reaction to neglect. And narcissism and sociopathy is a very different thing. I recommend checking out my playlist on the topic.Narcissism and Attachment Theory ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
The difference between avoidants and narcissist is intent. Avoidants don't want to hurt or destroy you, narcissists on the other hand ... And yes the behavior is equally harming to the victims and avoidants need to learn and grow. But unlike narcissists they know that they cause suffering and they can develope healthy relationships. There's the difference. There is hope for avoidance and they might deserve a chance to get better.
@@blauespony1013narcissism is also a trauma response. And no, they don t know either because they don t have empathy. And they live in survival mode. I m a psychotherapist and studied these. Actually avoidant attachment might also have avoidant personality disorder or even vulnerable narcissism, comorbid.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentI am a psychotherapist. I was refering as neglect to what the avoidant does, not his trauma response. The partner also has trauma response to the avoidant treatment.
@@etunde81 I mean every person has narcissistic tendencies, but not everyone is a narcissist. I think that is the first point most people don't understand. So a lot of the hate might even be projection plus online buzzwording (I bet 90% of the so called narcissists aren't even narcissists). Just to understand you correnctly because I am a bit confused on your intend: Do you want us to treat avoidants worse/ask them for more accountability or do you want us to treat narcissists better/understand them more?
He had a ton of female friends that would come to him to vent..I don't want that !!! I'm struggling with was a right or wrong. He is definitely a DA and would shut down emotionally very often and I have had some counseling and was trying to deal with it. But I can't deal with that and other women always contacting him 😭
I clearly have avoidant attachment disorder with MDD, SAD, and PTSD. I have no want for anything. I have no need for anything. I am lesser in everything, therefore I am nothing. My kids don't like me, my wife is getting to the point of hating me. I get no alone time, I am not allowed to have a hobby, I fake happy moments. I am in a corner or forced to be outside cooking for people's parties. I do not celebrate my birthday, father's day or anything remotely to do with me, I don't care for it. People do not understand why I am not worth the time or effort. I don't need or want validation, I don't like or love myself, why anyone wants to like or love me does not equate in my brain.
@wareaves1 I wasn't always like this, I knew I was screwed up even as a kid, I tried to stay out of that darkness. Over the last 15 years it's been a steady decline since my second brain injury. I have been in therapy for years, now on my 20th one. Most common question I get asked and the killing point for me quitting is "why haven't you stopped breathing yet?" Since libtard biase won't let me use the exact wording, but you catch my drift with committing the s-word. Currently having to stop therapy this time because he can't understand the war and military service stuff.
I am confused: at the beginning of the video you described, which partner the avoidant is looking for and in the second part - what one should do to become this ideal partner. But I am that already, that is the reason why we are together for 14 years. So there is nothing to change in me or my behaviour, but still, every time I openly try to address a problem and speak about it, my husband just shuts down. Now, that we have a child it’s just a burden for my to carry all that luggage alone, I have neither time nor forces to be working on myself additionally, especially because I don’t understand why I should change, and not him. He had traumatic childhood, so he should be healing his problems.
So as an anxious type is good for me to also in a way control my emotional intensity. Also I shouldn't step back and give her all the space she needs. Be more relax don't seek constant validation be relaxed , focus on you get. Comftable with silence when you are together and just do your hobbies?
🤦♀️ yoooooooooo, i clicked on this bc i thought it was _How to _*_★LEAVE★_*_ Your Avoidant Partner_ idk how y'all live on breadcrumbs like that or why you'd want to create a whole life where that insecurity is indefinite, but as someone always recovering from an ED, arbitrarily restricting crucial aspects of life is not good for anyone everyone in these relationships is sick & i don't want any part of it
There is always a two-sided street to tend to. Both partners work on their individual traumas and quirks on their own, while providing grace and safety/freedom for the other to be themselves. Sometimes a guy shutting down has nothing to do with being a Dismissive Avoidant. It may have everything to do with learning that his thoughts and feelings are unheard and unwanted by their partner. Emasculating a man and then getting mad he shuts down and won’t man up on demand shows severe short-sightedness on the part of the partner. On the other hand…a man consistently shutting down and not seeking wise counsel from another man regarding this consistent reaction shows a short-sightedness and a lack of self-awareness and proactiveness from the man. It is never an either/or in relationships in terms of secureness. It’s a both/and.
There’s this for Avoidants too right? They’re willing to be borderline immoral to punish their pet anxious person for being “needy” while they stonewall.
One thing I've learned about DAs and I'm married to one (though I don't know where he is)... is it's all about them. You tell me how it's not about physical space when the guy moved out and didn't tell me where he was or is? He can't stand intimacy. I can't change that. Even returning his stonewalling doesn't work.
@@wizardofaus2985 thanks for watching. I have a whole playlist on this topic. You can start out here: 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It ua-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/v-deo.html
@brianamacwilliam.attachment I know I was the anxious one. Having been dumped by my DA husband- had to become pretty secure fast as I have no one to support or lean into. I don't need a video to tell me this... what I'd like is my DA husband to appreciate and do the homework.
So basically, an anxious attached person & avoidant can not work. Because they're not capable of giving an anxious attached person what they need, and I don't think an anxious attached can give an avoidant what they need. They're just two different people. 😔
These things are all on a scale If there is enough awareness and willingness on both sides to get better at the healthy relationship skills required, If both want to learn and are fed up with feeling miserable, lonely, worthless and so on, It can sure be done. Tough nuts to crack, yes But many "relationship" skills can only be learned in a relationship, Not neccesarily romantic, but not neccesarily therapeutic eigther. Where there is a will there's a way Selfreflection and Healing is a choice It is worth the effort, I say 🙏🏵
@Liza-Loves-You That's the thing me as the anxious attached am aware. I think he's awarded he's an avoidant. But that's the thing with avoidants they want to avoid everything & putting in the work is too much. I don't know if he could or if it's that he doesn't care enough?
@@stephensegal5187 I disagree, it's in relationship that you can work on yourself. Triggers will help. You can go to a therapist as well, to get exercises to practice in the relationship. The most important is to be aware. Going into a relationship when you are not aware of you problems is not fair for the partner.
thank you very much Briana. it's very helpful instrument but we need to manage it together with my preoccupied avoidant partner. as we are also in a distance relationship, it becomes more difficult to manage withdrawal of my avoidant partner. So I wonder if we both can be engaged at the same course to help manage her anxiety and fear which is involved always?
I still bear the question Why would a fulfilled secure self sufficient person want a relationship if there is nothing they need from it? Why not just be alone then?
I’m not entirely sure if I can reply for everyone but I can share my take on it. Humans were designed to be social creatures and to seek connections. Even if you don’t believe in creation and believe in evolution, most (if not all) evolutionists will claim that we have “evolved” to seek connections with others in order to gain a greater advantage. So whichever school of thought you belong to, that fundamental basis sits in each. Does this mean a person can’t be happy alone? Absolutely not. A person can feel happy and fulfilled without a partner. But maybe the best way I can describe it (at least for myself) is this.. Imagine eating at the best restaurant in the world. You order all of the chef’s recommended dishes - the best on the menu - and the waiter advises you get certain drinks with each course as they enhance the flavours and elevate the meal to another level. But you ignore that advice and order your own drinks. Will you still be satisfied when you leave? Absolutely. Will you still have eaten the best food in the world? Definitely. But will you have had the same experience as everyone else? No. Because you didn’t choose to pair your meal with the drinks that were specially selected for each course, you missed out on that sensory experience and enjoyment that everyone else got to enjoy. You still had a brilliant meal, a fantastic time, and you left with a full tummy. But your experience lacked that “something extra” that took it to another level. This is how I feel about relationships. I’m happy alone and don’t feel so desperate for a partner that I’d do just about anything to get one. I like my own company and I’m not miserable spending time by myself. But do I think getting to share my life and experiences with someone special would enhance it? Definitely. I’ve been on both sides of the coin (I’m on the single side now) and I know, without a doubt, that loving someone and then loving you in return is just a feeling which cannot be described or matched.
@@dominiquecadet5976 that wasn’t how I read the question but you could be right. If that was indeed the question though, I’d have to agree with the other person who’s replied. Although avoidants have their downsides, they’re also all human and have wonderful, fascinating, lovable nuances. I’m anxiously attached (but leaning more secure now after a lot of work) and I’m in love with an avoidant. He’s a complete pain in the arse and he drives me up the wall, but deep down, he also has a heart of gold, can be incredibly thoughtful, and makes me laugh like no one else can.
Just because you can scoop your own ice cream doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate it and won’t enjoy the ice cream just as much if not more when somebody else does it. Loving beyond need is loving with freewill. I talk more about that in this video: If I Can Meet My Own Needs, Why Be in Relationship? + 3 Steps to Release Suffering in Love ua-cam.com/video/qnakztso5LU/v-deo.html
How to love an avoidant? Don't. If you like yourself and your mental health is important, let them be and continue your life without them. In the critical moments of life, they can leave you suddenly. That's scary for me.
I needed this so bad..I need this help.32 years anxious attachment dismissive my spouse and myself anxious fearful attachmentoh and preoccupied extreme..help I need to change what I do isn't working...
As if other maladaptive attachment styles aren't exactly this as well? They're just different versions of the same thing. Narcissists probably all have attachment issues, though not all those with avoidant attachment style are narcissists. That word is getting so watered down anymore.
1. Be consistent 2. Develop the capacity to self validate (self regulate) 3. Know your boundaries and communicate them assertively 4. Have your own passions and pursuits 5. Adopt an accepting and non judgmental attitude 6. Be discerning and say no when needed
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
The comments here present a dichotomy of views, and I think that is because if you have a secure attachment style, then an avoidant is just too much work. Why would you bother? But avoidants tend to gravitate toward anxious attachment types, who are similarly on the insecure side of the street (this is from attachment theory, on which all this is based), and when anxious types understand all the things they need to work through then that gives them some compassion for the avoidant types. Both have had poor parenting (not our fault) which presents us with unconscious emotional challenges we need to work through. I think that's why some people understand the main thesis Briana is saying, and some people don't.
Yep, nobody wants to think of themselves as sharing the blame but secure people know to detach from people who can't or won't meet their needs reasonably. All the vitriolic comments along the lines of "the way to fix them is DON'T, I spent 7 years blah blah blah..." are really just self-reporting on their own blind spot.
I'm tired of trying to love people who are emotionally unstable, can't communicate in a healthy manner, avoid accountability, and push me away because they're scared of closeness and commitment. They only want the benefits of the situation, not the connection. They need to either seek help or stay single, or both just leave me alone because I do not struggle with these issues, nor do I deserve to deal with yours.
I ended up on theraphy. The basis is you feel if you mirror them back, it is game over. So you trying to act on it, this involves some critics, which triggers them and can go into full emotional abusive. At the end, she was so shut down, that even if I told her a simple story, he reacted with zero emotion. If I called her out, then she denied everything. You just cant win. Either you submit and give up yourself for the relationship, or you say game over. Pretty much like a narcissist. Cant reach her inner core, deny/avoid everything, gaslight you, controlling, maybe even hypersexual, but of course also on her terms. Nightmare. Actually I had nightmares for months after we broke up. Half year in, and still not over it. She half-killed my sexuality as well.
Wow, the comments here are so callous and reek of victimhood. I have been on both sides of the anxious/avoidant dynamic. The dynamic can change during the course of a relationship and also depending on the person you're with. I think the key takeaway here is to be mindful of your attachment style and empathetic to your partner's wants and emotional needs. Control your attachment style, don't let it control you.
I couldn't agree more. I am with an avoidant partner, and we are very happy together. We communicate all the time,we are healthy together and are healing separately and together becoming more secure. Being together takes **willingness**
And will remain that way as long as you focus on the avoidant and dont give yp what is weighing you down.. There was nothing left of me on the way out and many days I contemplated life in such a bleak way. Thankfully I am defiant and I know those feelings will pass, with time, space amd self love. Take care of you at this time and be kind to yourself
So, youve given someone a lot of power over your emotional wellbeing ... While they where not willing and or capable of taking very well care of you? Is there a lesson in here? 🧡🏵🙏
I've come to realise I'm a fearful avoidant, and for the first time I'm with another avoidant partner, except they're dissmive avoidant so they shut down more than me and I'm trying to make it work cause for once, I feel I've met someone who connects with me on a deeper level, who went through similar upbringings to me and I feel this strong desire to want to help them open up and heal.
Been there. The thing is you cannot 'help' your DA partner in the sense that you can only support them if they want to change and you cannot make them want to change, they need to get there themselves. The best you can do is to work on your own triggers so your FA reactivity doesn't get in the way of the relationship. And you have to recognise for what it is your FA compulsion to "save" this person. As an FA you probably have a strength that you can have lots of empathy for your partner and sensitivity to their emotional state. That's the good side of FA hypervigilance. Finally, telling a DA about their own attachment when they're not ready can trigger their shame core wound, so tread lightly. Good luck.
Avoid avoidants, you hear me You will save yourself a whole lot of pain. Choose yourself It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, they are bound to break you, I promise you.
Yessssss. Avoidant people don’t need more people to show them they will only be loved if are exactly what their lover wants and modify themselves acordingly. If you are annoyed by the emotional processing of your avoidant partner JUST LEAVE THEM be free from you
@@loliipop070409 Right. YOU bend over for them. Be sure to grab your ankles cause that's the only way to please those who DON'T WORK ON THEMSELVES. Been there. Done with that.
@@JETTSTACHII was being sarcastic. I find your point of view entitled. People are not “not working on themselves” just because they are not having the results *you* want to satisfy *your* needs. So if you have a partner and you want them so bad to change how their internal world works, by all means, leave themmmmmm, you don’t really “love” that person
Yes… safe and free… but, also RELAXED. I want to be able to act and be the same way I would be if I were alone; not self-conscious. It would also be great to be able to just exist together, in each other’s presence/company, without necessarily interacting; not ignoring each other, but just being comfortable contentedly sharing the same space and experiencing physical closeness within that space. May sound boring to some, but to an INTP, “Healthy Avoidant”, of 58 years old… sounds like Heaven to me.
@@sunflowerroark5170 I’m an “Avoidant” (though a “healthier” one; who has done a lot of introspection and is very self aware, and continuing to do “the work”). Maybe YOU (YOUR “attachment style” and personality type) are just not compatible with an Avoidant (and/or possibly others with whom you have been in a relationship). Figure yourself out FIRST, before becoming a couple. 👍🏼
I feel like therapists encourage people to navigate relationships with avoidants because it means thousands of dollars of therapy money in their pockets. Run, don't walk, away from severe avoidants. They will always break your heart.
If you choose to jump of that cliff that is. You can fully ( allow yourself to) LOVE an avoidant person, but keep in mind that the reality of a relationship is different then easy, healthy and ideal. But real love starts with friendship and true loyalty anyway, so ... It can work, is what I mean to say, but it is not easy, takes a lot of time. Someone said Love is the highest form of friendship. 🧡
@@Liza-Loves-Youit's an interesting insight. I'm not quite sure my avoidant has the same understanding of friendship that I have (so that basically raises up the question if I should concider friendship instead of whatever I'd like it to be). My criteria for the friendship is pretty simple: be able to help and support when needed (once I had a awakening experience in hospital, realizing that most people of my contact list would name a dosen of reasons of why whey can't give me a ride home). I feel like "friendship" term for the avoidants is basically hanging out and not helping out.
thanks... i'm an avoidant and if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would've never been able to feel true love remember that everyone is just a person as you're yourself and if smn hurt you one day that is lamentable i'm really sorry yet i don't think anyone should impose their experiences on others roughly generalizing them
Everyone in these DA dismissive avoidant videos tends to be salty, but I do feel like this is totally valuable advice. As someone who's anxious avoidant dealing with a DA friend (or two?), I DO see the value in using the visceral emotions (created in my OWN head!) that occur when I communicate with the DA. When I'm with a DA or communicating with them and I have that time to reflect on, hey, why do I feel lonely? Why do I seek validation for something as simple as X or Y? When I seek to self-improve, why do I also seek their approval? When I question myself, it almost feels like I'm going through my OWN list of "desires" that I "don't want to admit" because to admit them is painful and goes against my self defense mechanisms from my anxious avoidant upbringing. They're things I've struggled with for years. I'm no longer going to accept this pain as normal. Sure, to be let down will naturally lead to disappointment. But to be rejected by someone you like should not feel this horrible. Disappointing? Sure. But leading to obsession or restlessness or a clouded mind? No. So I know everyone here is hating on DAs, but as someone who still had growing to do, it made me question myself and finally see my shortcomings in this area.
'Sometimes', shy away from directness. Cute. My avoidant ex literally said many times, "This is new to me". After the breakup, he shared that, that Some how... Meant "I'm uncomfortable". Seriously, wtf?
hIGHLY helpful. I have been for years convinced that loving my avoidant was a dead end. I now reconsider that by ending it with him, was the right thing to do. And that if he chose to reach out (which he never has), that there is a pathway to growthand self-knowledge by BOTH parties and achieving a great relationship.
Thank you for your videos, I love your balance with the spiritual and seeing it all from a more well rounded and conscious perspective. I am finding it very helpful for understanding my partner. Blessings***
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I am a very secure person. I have my own life and passion. I have been married 26 years. We had intense talk about how he is all romantic and happy if I am my usual happy go lucky person. But if I am in a sad or bad mood (sometimes because of my premenopause) he just leaves me alone. I understood that he does not know how to handle the situation. So I told him in a situation like this just give me a hug. But nothing. Why I have to be the one EVERY SINGLE TIME to start talking and mend the relationship. I feel absolutely no emotional support from him.
Probably because you are very secure, he got very secure as well or already was. When I had a more needy partner, I became a bit avoidant. Not much, but e.g. for me it was enough from the cudling, but she wanted more, but I did not give her, because my back already hurt from the lots of lying. Little I understood, how much she needed it.
Fast fowrard few years. With emotional abuses I got broke inside, and I was alone for years. Finally got a partner, I was anxious very much. Tried to communicate, that currently I am sensitive, but not much luck. Actually we had a conversation, where I told her I need cuddles, and she said "I cant lie all day in a bed". Little she understood, how much I needed it. Little she understood how much it hurt, the way she said it, even if I agree with it. She just did not understand me. Did not see me. She was a true avoidant as it turned out.
Anyways, your case happens, when we take the other for granted and forget the luxury of having someone with us and mostly everything works. Sometimes have to stop, look around, and realize how much to be valued. Often we value the other after losing it. What I learned, that we have to give compliments to our partners, at least for me. I did not get much in my childhood from my parents, so it is something new to me. When I got compliments from my partner it felt really good. Thats where I understood, that I need to look for the good traits of the other. Sadly I am often looking for the bad things. Thats my default, but working on it. And it helped for me to value the things, that we have, and value the other, hence, take more seriously her needs if she needs me.
Because 2 most important things in a relationship: be emotionally available, open to your partner, and if it needs you, then be there. These are the fundaments. The other is not granted. It is a work. And I have to be there if she needs me.
But again, in a 26 years of marriage it may be not that easy, I do not have such, so I dont want to be "smart".
@@SidneyWells you are discribing the "friendship" aspect of a loving relationsgip in a very beautiful way. To be yourself, honest and open is very good. That is the only way we can know if someone really loves us for who we are right?
It is about being real and saying what you think. Yess, also compliments. That can feel really "icky" if you are not used to it, right?
About focussing on the negative, Abraham Hicks talks a lot about that.
I hope you find something in the vast ocean of the recorded material of that woman (Esther) that helps you.
In short:
We create our own reality
What we think is true (so an attitude of gratitude is great!)
Our thoughts are source of our feelings
We can learn to focus on feeling good (God, Love)
Where attention flows, energy goes, and what you give energy (to), grows
In "avoidant" terms focussing on negative aspects of their partner is a defense mechanism,
It is called "flaw finding".
Avoidants use it to create emotional distance when intimacy (being real) is too scary.
And also, nobody is perfect.
If your partner was perfect they wouldn't motivate you to grow and learn.
If we are aware of what we want and need from our partner, we can learn to ask for it in a way that they understand. Be creative, be playful.
Like, "I'd love to do your dishes, pick you up, do your laundry or whatever, but before or aftes I need a huge hugg ( or maybe the opposite, I really need some alone time 😋)"
Thais Gibson (personal developement school here on youtube) says:
A relationship is an exchange of needs met.
Yes, negotiation. What can we do for eachother. No expectations, share freely
Jimmy on Relationships (great guy, very funny) says that a great question lovers can ask eachother is : How can I love you better?
What do you think?
Let me know 😉
Yes, taking anything for granted is a no no.
This life is amazing and people are amazing, we should appreciate it as a present, be present, Love is worth it.
🙏🏵🧡
very tough place to be
I’m anxious and have had only 2 significant relationships which involved a DA and an FA. It was absolutely the most emotionally neglectful, disrespectful, and abusive ever. It has pushed me to not even want to be involved in a relationship ever again. I was always the kind, understanding, loving, compassionate, supportive partner and all they did was project their pain and blame me. It felt like I was the only one really trying to grow the relationship. I did the inner work and healing only to be a casualty of their own war. Most of the time I felt like I was in a relationship but all alone or catering to their needs. If I expressed my feelings, it was a problem…or rather they made me feel like I was creating it. I don’t want to close down my loving and playful nature…I just will be more careful when investing my emotions. Def not giving it away to people who use me as a emotional punching bag
My relationship with an avoidant partner is over - and I hope I never have another like it - but I do find this all fascinating and enlightening.
Starts at 12:15..thank me later
Where's the video on "I'm an avoidant partner... what can I do better?"
Avoidants avoid. Apparently even if they decide to go to therapy there is a fair chance they'll be triggered by it and quit, like they get triggered by emotional closeness in a relationship and quit.
So while vídeos with self-help advice for avoidants do exist they are in much less demand and get far fewer hits.
@@blatherskyt Avoidants are more like pets than partners. There aren't many videos on "I'm a cat.. how can I be a better pet for my human?" The actual adult in the relationship has to do all the work if they want to keep the relationship alive, although the pet must be cooperative for it to work.
@@spikygreen I love this example.
Based on exp with DA, they will always change mind, mood and plans. its always unpredictable, today she is good tomorrow she and so forth doesnt exist. Dating a DA is like dating a ghost.
certainly feels that way to me at times, often leaves me puzzled
Agreed. It seems the best way to love them is from a distance. Work on loving yourself, healing the anxious attachment wound that allowed the relationship to continue, then get back out there and attract the love you want and deserve 💪🏽
I wonder why there is no videos or help for avoidance on how to love and care for their partners and learn about intimacy
Because they won’t. Seriously.. let them go.
There are a lot of videos to help them understand themselves and their partners. Its just not in your algorithm.
Because an avoidant is not interested in any of that. The pain point lies with their usually anxiously attached partner.
Because they are not interested! They are too busy with themselves!
Until I learned about avoidance in relationships, I was convinced that some guys simply didn't like me although I wasn't sure about it. Thanks to you everything is much much clearer now. 🙏😘 However I would still rather date somebody who is not avoidant.😄
No contact. That's how you love them best. Away and moved on.
so draining, the simple things you want them to reciprocate to show you love like simple gestures without asking or telling them to do, they really struggle. I’m a secured attachment and I can’t understand why it’s so difficult for them to show the smallest efforts. The frustration comes when you’re doing 99% of everything. They don’t offer or do if you don’t ask, and if you ask, they get a little annoyed. It’s very difficult to love them, and it will feel it’s one sided where you end up doing everything all on your own.
I'm going through the exact same thing. And yes, it really drains you.. I'm not even sure anymore if I still wanted our relationship to work. It feels like I'm the only one who has future plans for both of us..
This video has already changed my life in my relationship with myself and acknowledging what anxiety is and how to acknowledge it. Literally changed my life 💯
Run!!!! That is the best way! Save yourself.😊
A lot of men tend towards this avoidant attachment style, but they often are solid people in many other aspects of life (honest, dependable, industrious, etc). As long as he is willing to acknowledge his shortcomings and work on things together (where as Briana points out, you need to also do your part because it's not just about 'fixing him'), it may be better to stay and try to make it work out.
You’re so right. I didn’t realize I had this anxious attachment. Several years into my relationship I became depressed, abandoning my spiritual practices and became preoccupied with my partner instead. That’s when I started behaving in a needy and controlling ways and drove my avoidant partner away.
Me too. And I lost her and she's now with someone else and his family. Lost her and my home and my family. It's unbearable.
@@rangerdanger10 oeh, that's a high price to pay.
Put yourself first is .... well, great advice, don't you think?
Do you have a solid plan to get back on your feet?
Babysteps off course
🧡🏵🙏
Ps, I "lost" a great (potential) lover too, but learned so much
I am hearing someone say: "The best is jet to come"
Could that be true? 😉😘😁
Avoidants are wired different. Same way you feel that it puts you in limbo when we avoid emotions and tell you to do the same you guys put us in limbo when you want us to be more sensetive, share your emotions or express feelings more. It's a misunderstanding from both sides. Trying to change the other side makes them feel bad about themselves because we process things on opposite ways in order to feel good. There's no good or bad guy here. Just a blindspot. Neither side really wants to hurts each other.
I believe thats a very valid and useful observation Thanks
Totally agree
Best video I ever came across, I am self- dependent and my covert D/A openend up a lot and I can feel his love as he is showing deep care for me. I seem to give him emotional freedom to feel safe with me. I do not question him but have my strong boundaries which I communicate. I only talk about what I want for myself not asking for it directly. Thank you Briana ❤ greetings from Germany, he is from Slovenia where I am right now
Would you please tell me your ways.. how did you get him to open up.
So if he hasn’t talked to me in two weeks, what am I supposed to do? I obviously want consistent communication.
@@derekenlow7607 I only talk about my own feelings, give him space which he does not want anymore, never accuse him of anything. Also giving him emotional space, not pushing him into anything.
@@ritapeters1330 thank you for the reply. I appreciate it
@@derekenlow7607 you are very welcome, you must leave them as they want to be , but communicate your wishes and feelings. Without asking for changes.
I think not reading negative assumptions into their actions is so key especially for the anxious person … seems like human beings never assume positive intent
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Every time I see comments that demonize the avoidant, I wonder what in the world they are doing here. Clearly they do care about the inner world of an avoidant, yet the comments would lead you to believe they got to this video by accident.
@@LSGO90 This ☝️
I feel this sense that it's so much more work for the anxious partner... the anxious partner has to do all this self-reflection and deep, uncomfortable work, everyday really, to "deal" with the anxiety and make sure to not "need too much affection" from their partner... yet, what does the avoidant partner need to do? Nothing but sit back and wait for the anxious person to change? I think this is where the resentment sets in for a lot of anxiously attached folks. It really feels like the avoidant gets to sit back and sip lemonade until the anxious person transforms to make the avoidant feel better.
@@healingwithforrestYes! That’s a bit of how I feel. I feel I have made a lot of changes in myself, which are probably for the better, but it still takes energy to stop caring and be less anxious. I’m anxious in general life, so I’m trying very hard to start worrying less about things I have no control over.
@healingwithforrest What you say really resonates with my experience. After 30 years, yes 30 years of self reflection, therapy and work on myself because i was lead to believe i was the one who had the problem, i have just ended our relationship and i am devastated. I have tried so hard and for so long to accept that if i love him then i have to try and accept him as he is. This has lead to me going from secure in my attachment to becoming anxious and avoidant within the relationship. I have withdrawn from him emotionally, feel incredibly hurt by his total lack of emotional support, on the rare occasion i actually express a need for some, and can't help but get very angry and resentful when he let's me down once again. I have only recently discovered that our problems are because of his attachment issues, he is still wearing a blindfold or burying his head in the sand and cannot even begin to talk about any of this.
I feel so bad for ending things but i also see that unless he were to get himself some help, things will never change and i can't cope anymore.
They are exhausting. It's like rowing up a swift river backwards. We found out about their style of connecting after we married and had children. I hope this answers your question,
I'm shocked as some leaning more secure these days, lots of therapy, with ambivalent tendencies dating someone who's the same that people are talking about these attachment styles as if they're fixed permanent traits. When there's conflict in my relationship only then can I see which way we might lean more as far as both being ambivalent, thus why I'm here. Realizing all the ways I'm definitely part, one half, of the problem. Though our relationship seems potentially unique given it's not just straight anxious vs avoidant attachment. So I take what works and leave the rest.
Valuable insight and a shared experience, thank you
This is the most insightful and high-value experience I’ve had in exploring improvement in relationship skills. I learned so much about myself, and gained important perspective in management of my own life path and forming stronger bonds through self acceptance and mindfulness! Thank you so much, I’m recommending your series to friends!
Your comment on personal integrity and self-love is so powerful.
I’m trying so hard to remain indifferent to my partner… he barely ever compliments me or shows me any affection but he says he loves me… I grew up ignored as a child and it’s starting to feel like my partner is my parents all over again
Same. Except it’s my girlfriend. Sucks.
Best to love them is to leave them alone.
Interestingly, I can find avoidant attachment in an astrology chart. This indicates that there’s more to it than just childhood issues.
Past life issues are at play when it shows in the chart.
A lot of planets in aquarius and in 11th house, maybe? As well, south node in pisces and 11th house? My chart and having so much problem because of it
past life as in genetics sounds very feasible
Best way to love an avoidant is to leave them alone. If they're unable to find a partner there´s a chance that they'll go to therapy and stop their abusive behaviour. Find yourselves a healthy partner instead - stay safe out there.
Thanks so much for your comment. I have recently get dumped by an avoidant. I feel used and neglected but i knew deep inside of me that he wasn't my person or an healthy partner.
That’s garbage
Amen
Yup. The best way to love them is don't.
Yes leave them alone - they will monkey branch elsewhere. They never loved you
So sad that many of the posts here reflect the misunderstanding and unfair judgement of Avoidants. I mean maybe some Narcissists are Avoidants, but not all Avoidants are narcissistic! Mostly they are damaged people from childhood, or haven’t dealt with the emotional baggage from a bad adult relationship. Personally type; which is innate/God given at birth; has a lot to do with it, as well.
I agree with you 100%. I just started dating an avoidant a few months ago and it is a mixed bag, but very satisfying for me! I have an anxious attachment style, but outside of relationships I am very self confident and self assured. My other is constantly overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings and my honesty. sometimes it bothers me that she feels overwhelmed and other times it really feels like I am in control of the relationship. It doesn't matter to me so much what she says, I can tell she craves being around me. In the moments when things are too much for me, I pull back and she can see that there is literally a danger of me leaving her... she is strong enough to then ask me to stay. To be honest, this relationship is kind of interesting... what is your understanding of what I'm seeing, if you don't mind?
@@pedroariza7892 It sounds familiar…Lol… to a certain extent. You are male (I assume)… I’m female. You are an Anxious. I’m an Avoidant; but, a “healthy” one… and, also an experienced (life) one, at almost 59. Of course the personalities of all involved are extremely important; I think more so than “attachment style”. Also, my guy and I are both “Believers”, and I think that has a lot to do with it all as well! Compatibility is really the key!
As for your description of your current relationship… with you being the guy, frankly, I think that it’s more often the men who leave relationships (that’s been the experience of all of the women I’ve known, and some of my own, however…), but as the Avoidant, I was the one who left many of my relationships, when I was younger; basically, back then, being insecure and less healthy, I left them before they could leave me (and one, who was “the love of my life”; looking back now; I found out, years later, would not have left; rather, he actually wanted to marry me). As an Avoidant, I undermined/sabotaged myself quite often; in a lot of areas in my life. Point is… I wouldn’t be so sure that your Avoidant won’t walk away from you one day; I wouldn’t “test” that with her. You mentioned feeling that you are in “control”… no one person should be in “control” of the other person, or the relationship. You also mentioned “pulling away”, which causes a response in her to chase you (which seems to be reassuring and gratifying to you, as an Anxious). *Just don’t “USE” that as a “tactic”… that is called manipulation.* Neither of you should be playing these “games”. It’s not healthy… or fair to the other person. Much better to have an honest, vulnerable, calm and clear, non-threatening conversation/discussion. She MAY not be very responsive in the moment, or all that talkative, but she will hear you, and it will make a difference. You’ll need to gently revisit the topic, at a later date, if you don’t get any feedback at the time, nor see any eventual “action” on her part. My guy is also an Avoidant, like me; tough a less emotionally healthy one… not a “sharer”. Often when I express some “frustrations” in our relationship, he will not respond, at all, verbally… he just takes it all in; I can “see” him processing/accessing. What DOES happen, however, is that he will “adjust” his former “actions” to be more accommodating to my expressed concerns/wishes. He doesn’t talk, but he acts! And, that is huge. He is demonstrating how much he cares about me, and that he wants to make me happy, and continue the relationship. (It’s possibly that you and I are saying the same things, just in slightly different ways. Lol)
Relationships take a lot of work, some more than others. (It also matters WHY the two of you are together; Is it just for “fun”, or are you BOTH looking for a committed, long/term relationship??)
All these things matter.
Hope something in the above 👆helps! (Look into “Love Languages”, as well! 👍🏼)
Best wishes!
What if I've tried a few dozen different hobbies, and I just don't enjoy or see value in anything other than a high-quality romantic relationship?
And honestly i also don't want my partner to love me because i have my own hobbies so we spend as little time together as possible. I want my partner to want to spend as MUCH time together as possible, and i want his universe to revolve around me. I just truly don't understand how a relationship can be worthwhile without it. Without it, it feels transactional.
And just to be clear, I'm not saying i need or even want to actually spend a ton of time together. I just want a partner who craves being with me. How much time we actually spend together doesn't matter.
I also WANT a partner who i can rely on for validation. Otherwise, what's the point of having a partner? I want more than merely materialistic comforts.
Well... you definitely know what you want. And (what you're describing as your want) isn't ANY personality type that has any tendency to these traits she's discussing. Many of which are pretty darned healthy attitudes (in the video).
Nobody can be everybody's cup of tea.
Just print out your statement here, & show it to people who make it past the 1st date. 😉
That will weed them out for you. 🫣
TBH, They would be miserable with the personality & attachment type you are describing (as desirable to you).
@spiky I am right along with you 100%
Has it gotten any better?
This sounds like a desire for codependency and enmeshment. These are not things that are considered healthy for a relationship. These things can lead to instability and probably fuel an anxious attachment style.
3:50 I said it before and I'll say it again: It is unbelievable how much eye-opening your channel has been for me. Thank you.
The best way to love your avoidant is:
From a distance. A very far away distance.
Stop making excuses.
You do not have to tolerate their crap in the name of love. Dont mistake empathy and love for Codependency and stupidity.
Heal the wounds they left on you and love from afar.
Your sanity resumes then while they are still playing the same old clapped out tune.
Toughen up before they destroy and milk every last drop of joy from the cells in your body and leave you with almost permanent anxiety.
THAT is how to love an avoidant.
FACTS!!!
Every time I see a comment like that is clear op lacks a lot of self awareness and just needs someone to use as an emotional trash bag. I’m glad you leave your avoidants partners, they deserve better than to made responsible for your own process
@@loliipop070409 they ARE the emotional trashbag. And it doesn't seem like he is better off to me. Buried up to his eyeballs in alcoholism, while Im back to healing and caring for myself. They deserve "themselves"👌 project ypur fakeness somewhere else avoider 👋
I actually healed from unconscious FA to a self-made SA vis-a-vis my DA. Once I became consistent in my security, it rubbed off on him, and he becomes more secure too. He has never judged me harshly for my lesser moments in which I rocked the boat. He has always expressed desire for repair and building more trust. Be what may in the future, my DA is a man of integrity, kindness, forgiveness, generosity and care.
@loliipop070409 great win/win
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
@@oilyskinguru thank you for watching and sharing your experience. Gently, I am going to suggest the following, and of course you can take what serves you and leave the rest. But if you gave him space, and he drifted away, you should let them go. It is not someone that is meant for you, and in this case, rejection is protection. Because, you want to commit yourself to someone that wants to be with you, not someone that you have to convince to be with you. Sending you big hugs.
@brianamacwilliam.attachment thanks. He called me last week 3 times, which lasted for less than 3 minutes. Usually, our calls can last for an hour or 2. He still replies to me sometimes. Last night he promised he would call but he didn't. He called this morning and told me he fell asleep. He told me he's just detaching from everyone. He's not angry at me, and I shouldn't worry. He still loves me and cares about me. The change in our routines makes me anxious. I hope I can overcome this.
@@oilyskinguruI just reconnected to my avoidant partner after she asked me to propose to her and then 6 months after the idea of marriage freaked her out and she ran.
It took 4 months of letting her be and then reminding her that when she asked me to not contact her, she agreed to eventually give me the decency of a breakup conversation. She’s now interested in hanging out again and has agreed to couples therapy within 6 months.
Calm and collected and slow is all I can say.
@richardwallis9374 he's back to communicating with me again. He consistently communicated to me last July 12-15. Then he went to Ireland he sent me pics till the 17th. He called me on the 17th we spoke for an hour and a half. The next day no calls and text. Friday I got pissed off. I have been sick for 3 days he hasn't even checked on me. His reply lacks empathy. He just said to leave him alone because he's at his mate's. He didn't even tell me about it beforehand. Then he told me he would be working over the weekend at lake district. He messaged me earlier today to tell me where in lake district he would be working. Then now no calls and text after his work. I am getting tired with his stone walling and silent treatement. He was not like this before. He used to be loving and caring. He became like this since January since I caught him that he cheated on me. He begged for forgiveness, and he said he wants to make our relationship work. But since then, it feels like his mask slips off. He just changed for the worst.
Goodbye
You explain this so well!!!
What the avoidant is doing, is esentially emotional abuse and neglect. I don t know why we treat them better then narcissists or psychopaths. Each of them are esentially manipulative, abusive and neglectful. I also think if you react badly to their neglect, it does NOT mean you re necesarily anxious. Just means you have healthy needs, and you re reacting to emotional abuse which is a trauma response.
I m a licenced psychotherapist, and all the personality disorders are esentially trauma responses, and narcissistic abuse in my pov is not worse than avoidant neglect and stonewalling. Or other way said, each is a nightmare, but we should not defend avoidants, and try to cater to their needs. No darlin. They gotta go to therapy and work on themselves, otherwise they will esentially lose their loving partners.
I know it can be painful when you are on the receiving end. But you very insightfully point out that avoidant patterns are exactly what you describe here, a reaction to neglect. And narcissism and sociopathy is a very different thing. I recommend checking out my playlist on the topic.Narcissism and Attachment Theory
ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
The difference between avoidants and narcissist is intent. Avoidants don't want to hurt or destroy you, narcissists on the other hand ...
And yes the behavior is equally harming to the victims and avoidants need to learn and grow. But unlike narcissists they know that they cause suffering and they can develope healthy relationships. There's the difference. There is hope for avoidance and they might deserve a chance to get better.
@@blauespony1013narcissism is also a trauma response. And no, they don t know either because they don t have empathy. And they live in survival mode. I m a psychotherapist and studied these. Actually avoidant attachment might also have avoidant personality disorder or even vulnerable narcissism, comorbid.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentI am a psychotherapist. I was refering as neglect to what the avoidant does, not his trauma response. The partner also has trauma response to the avoidant treatment.
@@etunde81 I mean every person has narcissistic tendencies, but not everyone is a narcissist. I think that is the first point most people don't understand. So a lot of the hate might even be projection plus online buzzwording (I bet 90% of the so called narcissists aren't even narcissists).
Just to understand you correnctly because I am a bit confused on your intend:
Do you want us to treat avoidants worse/ask them for more accountability or do you want us to treat narcissists better/understand them more?
Excellent...to know yourself will help you know how to deal with emotional tug a wars inside and out and balance human relationships.
Amen to that.
He had a ton of female friends that would come to him to vent..I don't want that !!! I'm struggling with was a right or wrong. He is definitely a DA and would shut down emotionally very often and I have had some counseling and was trying to deal with it. But I can't deal with that and other women always contacting him 😭
I clearly have avoidant attachment disorder with MDD, SAD, and PTSD. I have no want for anything. I have no need for anything. I am lesser in everything, therefore I am nothing. My kids don't like me, my wife is getting to the point of hating me. I get no alone time, I am not allowed to have a hobby, I fake happy moments. I am in a corner or forced to be outside cooking for people's parties. I do not celebrate my birthday, father's day or anything remotely to do with me, I don't care for it. People do not understand why I am not worth the time or effort. I don't need or want validation, I don't like or love myself, why anyone wants to like or love me does not equate in my brain.
Have you always been this way? Have you seen a therapist??
@wareaves1 I wasn't always like this, I knew I was screwed up even as a kid, I tried to stay out of that darkness. Over the last 15 years it's been a steady decline since my second brain injury. I have been in therapy for years, now on my 20th one. Most common question I get asked and the killing point for me quitting is "why haven't you stopped breathing yet?" Since libtard biase won't let me use the exact wording, but you catch my drift with committing the s-word. Currently having to stop therapy this time because he can't understand the war and military service stuff.
I am confused: at the beginning of the video you described, which partner the avoidant is looking for and in the second part - what one should do to become this ideal partner. But I am that already, that is the reason why we are together for 14 years. So there is nothing to change in me or my behaviour, but still, every time I openly try to address a problem and speak about it, my husband just shuts down. Now, that we have a child it’s just a burden for my to carry all that luggage alone, I have neither time nor forces to be working on myself additionally, especially because I don’t understand why I should change, and not him. He had traumatic childhood, so he should be healing his problems.
So as an anxious type is good for me to also in a way control my emotional intensity. Also I shouldn't step back and give her all the space she needs. Be more relax don't seek constant validation be relaxed , focus on you get. Comftable with silence when you are together and just do your hobbies?
Thank you for your video very much appreciated.
#1 strategy when dating an Avoidant..... Fun for the F&%$ing hills!
Do you have a vid that tells us how to love our anxious or fearful partners?
It’s pretty simple. Check in on them and talk frequently. Show them you love them through actions
🤦♀️ yoooooooooo, i clicked on this bc i thought it was _How to _*_★LEAVE★_*_ Your Avoidant Partner_
idk how y'all live on breadcrumbs like that or why you'd want to create a whole life where that insecurity is indefinite, but as someone always recovering from an ED, arbitrarily restricting crucial aspects of life is not good for anyone
everyone in these relationships is sick & i don't want any part of it
You would be emotionally better off talking to your wall jeez
They prefer people who communicate well?! 😂😂😂vohh yeah... I'm s MASTER at communication lol and it does almost nothing 😅
You are a Masyer st letting your needs be kniwn not necessarily communicating
This so wrong in too many ways.. hiding the truth of an avoidant to Hurt others..
Best advice for dealing with avoidnant..!
That was very helpful, thank you
Glad it was helpful!
You are awesome!
You are speaking to me!
Best way - from a great distance.
Excellent info 🙌🙌🙌
There is always a two-sided street to tend to.
Both partners work on their individual traumas and quirks on their own, while providing grace and safety/freedom for the other to be themselves.
Sometimes a guy shutting down has nothing to do with being a Dismissive Avoidant. It may have everything to do with learning that his thoughts and feelings are unheard and unwanted by their partner.
Emasculating a man and then getting mad he shuts down and won’t man up on demand shows severe short-sightedness on the part of the partner.
On the other hand…a man consistently shutting down and not seeking wise counsel from another man regarding this consistent reaction shows a short-sightedness and a lack of self-awareness and proactiveness from the man.
It is never an either/or in relationships in terms of secureness. It’s a both/and.
Thank you.
There’s this for Avoidants too right? They’re willing to be borderline immoral to punish their pet anxious person for being “needy” while they stonewall.
Sad but yes
Yes there is. You can check it out here: 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It
ua-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/v-deo.html
One thing I've learned about DAs and I'm married to one (though I don't know where he is)... is it's all about them.
You tell me how it's not about physical space when the guy moved out and didn't tell me where he was or is? He can't stand intimacy. I can't change that. Even returning his stonewalling doesn't work.
@@wizardofaus2985 thanks for watching. I have a whole playlist on this topic. You can start out here: 6 Signs of Anxious Partner + Six Tips to Embrace It
ua-cam.com/video/gOAnqlS8QeQ/v-deo.html
@brianamacwilliam.attachment I know I was the anxious one. Having been dumped by my DA husband- had to become pretty secure fast as I have no one to support or lean into. I don't need a video to tell me this... what I'd like is my DA husband to appreciate and do the homework.
Easy.Don't.Dont love anyone who brings you nothing but pain.Love is not a feeling,its a choice.
So basically, an anxious attached person & avoidant can not work. Because they're not capable of giving an anxious attached person what they need, and I don't think an anxious attached can give an avoidant what they need. They're just two different people. 😔
Connection doesn’t mean compatibility
These things are all on a scale
If there is enough awareness and willingness on both sides to get better at the healthy relationship skills required,
If both want to learn and are fed up with feeling miserable, lonely, worthless and so on,
It can sure be done.
Tough nuts to crack, yes
But many "relationship" skills can only be learned in a relationship,
Not neccesarily romantic, but not neccesarily therapeutic eigther.
Where there is a will there's a way
Selfreflection and Healing is a choice
It is worth the effort, I say
🙏🏵
@Liza-Loves-You That's the thing me as the anxious attached am aware. I think he's awarded he's an avoidant. But that's the thing with avoidants they want to avoid everything & putting in the work is too much. I don't know if he could or if it's that he doesn't care enough?
@@Chrissy856 he’s clearly not putting in the work. You’re only looking at his potential
Some of us are both avoidant and anxious. It’s awful! 😣
How much time does it take to develop a secure attachment style if you are anxious?
It can be super quick ! 😊
A coupla years is realistic. But you need to do it outside of a relationship first before getting into one.
@@cetoniaaurata5176?
@@stephensegal5187 I disagree, it's in relationship that you can work on yourself. Triggers will help. You can go to a therapist as well, to get exercises to practice in the relationship. The most important is to be aware. Going into a relationship when you are not aware of you problems is not fair for the partner.
thank you very much Briana. it's very helpful instrument but we need to manage it together with my preoccupied avoidant partner. as we are also in a distance relationship, it becomes more difficult to manage withdrawal of my avoidant partner. So I wonder if we both can be engaged at the same course to help manage her anxiety and fear which is involved always?
I still bear the question
Why would a fulfilled secure self sufficient person want a relationship if there is nothing they need from it?
Why not just be alone then?
I’m not entirely sure if I can reply for everyone but I can share my take on it.
Humans were designed to be social creatures and to seek connections. Even if you don’t believe in creation and believe in evolution, most (if not all) evolutionists will claim that we have “evolved” to seek connections with others in order to gain a greater advantage. So whichever school of thought you belong to, that fundamental basis sits in each.
Does this mean a person can’t be happy alone? Absolutely not. A person can feel happy and fulfilled without a partner. But maybe the best way I can describe it (at least for myself) is this..
Imagine eating at the best restaurant in the world. You order all of the chef’s recommended dishes - the best on the menu - and the waiter advises you get certain drinks with each course as they enhance the flavours and elevate the meal to another level. But you ignore that advice and order your own drinks.
Will you still be satisfied when you leave? Absolutely. Will you still have eaten the best food in the world? Definitely. But will you have had the same experience as everyone else? No.
Because you didn’t choose to pair your meal with the drinks that were specially selected for each course, you missed out on that sensory experience and enjoyment that everyone else got to enjoy. You still had a brilliant meal, a fantastic time, and you left with a full tummy. But your experience lacked that “something extra” that took it to another level.
This is how I feel about relationships. I’m happy alone and don’t feel so desperate for a partner that I’d do just about anything to get one. I like my own company and I’m not miserable spending time by myself. But do I think getting to share my life and experiences with someone special would enhance it? Definitely. I’ve been on both sides of the coin (I’m on the single side now) and I know, without a doubt, that loving someone and then loving you in return is just a feeling which cannot be described or matched.
@@kiruxu I think the person meant why would a secure person want to be with an avoidant?
Because being avoidant does not mean that they can't be a great person. I'm deeply in love with an avoidant and I’m secure
@@dominiquecadet5976 that wasn’t how I read the question but you could be right.
If that was indeed the question though, I’d have to agree with the other person who’s replied. Although avoidants have their downsides, they’re also all human and have wonderful, fascinating, lovable nuances. I’m anxiously attached (but leaning more secure now after a lot of work) and I’m in love with an avoidant. He’s a complete pain in the arse and he drives me up the wall, but deep down, he also has a heart of gold, can be incredibly thoughtful, and makes me laugh like no one else can.
Just because you can scoop your own ice cream doesn’t mean that you don’t appreciate it and won’t enjoy the ice cream just as much if not more when somebody else does it. Loving beyond need is loving with freewill. I talk more about that in this video: If I Can Meet My Own Needs, Why Be in Relationship? + 3 Steps to Release Suffering in Love
ua-cam.com/video/qnakztso5LU/v-deo.html
Where is the link to the introduction course?
Game changer
If I sign up for the free course - is there anything else I am signing up… anything I have to cancel if not taling the whole payed course?
I subscribed
Good information,just wish the pace of speech more slow.If it is too fast,it gives me anxiety.
How to love an avoidant? Don't. If you like yourself and your mental health is important, let them be and continue your life without them. In the critical moments of life, they can leave you suddenly. That's scary for me.
Damn. I saw this a week too late 😅
I needed this so bad..I need this help.32 years anxious attachment dismissive my spouse and myself anxious fearful attachmentoh and preoccupied extreme..help I need to change what I do isn't working...
Only deal with an Avoidant if you enjoy Pain. Would you purchase a really broken car? Why would you pick a person like that then?
As if other maladaptive attachment styles aren't exactly this as well? They're just different versions of the same thing. Narcissists probably all have attachment issues, though not all those with avoidant attachment style are narcissists. That word is getting so watered down anymore.
Here is how you have a relationship when with an avoidant…break up with them and find someone who is secure.
You did great till you slipped off into souls centered security. Before that you had insightful research based thoughtful explanations.
Too late for knowing that
Tldr: Leave them alone.
How to love avoidant ? You don't love that's the correct answer
Best way?
DON'T!!!
Simple, eazy peazy!
Now go forth my child and search out your one true love...
1. Be consistent
2. Develop the capacity to self validate (self regulate)
3. Know your boundaries and communicate them assertively
4. Have your own passions and pursuits
5. Adopt an accepting and non judgmental attitude
6. Be discerning and say no when needed
Be prepared for things to change at any time.
@@MkMOriginal Please elaborate on this?
It would be much appreciated 🙏🏵
🧡
@@Liza-Loves-You this person is providing the outline for my video. The video is the elaboration
We've been talking consistently for 7 years. His dad died 2 months ago. After the wake of his dad last week, he started becoming distant and asked for space. I'm scared that if I give him space he would slowly drift away and leave me.
The comments here present a dichotomy of views, and I think that is because if you have a secure attachment style, then an avoidant is just too much work. Why would you bother?
But avoidants tend to gravitate toward anxious attachment types, who are similarly on the insecure side of the street (this is from attachment theory, on which all this is based), and when anxious types understand all the things they need to work through then that gives them some compassion for the avoidant types.
Both have had poor parenting (not our fault) which presents us with unconscious emotional challenges we need to work through.
I think that's why some people understand the main thesis Briana is saying, and some people don't.
Yep, nobody wants to think of themselves as sharing the blame but secure people know to detach from people who can't or won't meet their needs reasonably. All the vitriolic comments along the lines of "the way to fix them is DON'T, I spent 7 years blah blah blah..." are really just self-reporting on their own blind spot.
I'm tired of trying to love people who are emotionally unstable, can't communicate in a healthy manner, avoid accountability, and push me away because they're scared of closeness and commitment. They only want the benefits of the situation, not the connection. They need to either seek help or stay single, or both just leave me alone because I do not struggle with these issues, nor do I deserve to deal with yours.
I ended up on theraphy. The basis is you feel if you mirror them back, it is game over. So you trying to act on it, this involves some critics, which triggers them and can go into full emotional abusive. At the end, she was so shut down, that even if I told her a simple story, he reacted with zero emotion. If I called her out, then she denied everything. You just cant win. Either you submit and give up yourself for the relationship, or you say game over. Pretty much like a narcissist. Cant reach her inner core, deny/avoid everything, gaslight you, controlling, maybe even hypersexual, but of course also on her terms. Nightmare. Actually I had nightmares for months after we broke up. Half year in, and still not over it. She half-killed my sexuality as well.
You can't until they fix their issues. It's best to leave them alone
Wow, the comments here are so callous and reek of victimhood. I have been on both sides of the anxious/avoidant dynamic. The dynamic can change during the course of a relationship and also depending on the person you're with. I think the key takeaway here is to be mindful of your attachment style and empathetic to your partner's wants and emotional needs. Control your attachment style, don't let it control you.
Well said
🙏🏵🧡
Agree! We all must be responsible for our choices and reactions.
I couldn't agree more.
I am with an avoidant partner, and we are very happy together. We communicate all the time,we are healthy together and are healing separately and together becoming more secure. Being together takes **willingness**
I’m exhausted and shredded.
And will remain that way as long as you focus on the avoidant and dont give yp what is weighing you down.. There was nothing left of me on the way out and many days I contemplated life in such a bleak way. Thankfully I am defiant and I know those feelings will pass, with time, space amd self love. Take care of you at this time and be kind to yourself
So, youve given someone a lot of power over your emotional wellbeing ...
While they where not willing and or capable of taking very well care of you?
Is there a lesson in here?
🧡🏵🙏
Same.
I've come to realise I'm a fearful avoidant, and for the first time I'm with another avoidant partner, except they're dissmive avoidant so they shut down more than me and I'm trying to make it work cause for once, I feel I've met someone who connects with me on a deeper level, who went through similar upbringings to me and I feel this strong desire to want to help them open up and heal.
Been there. The thing is you cannot 'help' your DA partner in the sense that you can only support them if they want to change and you cannot make them want to change, they need to get there themselves. The best you can do is to work on your own triggers so your FA reactivity doesn't get in the way of the relationship. And you have to recognise for what it is your FA compulsion to "save" this person. As an FA you probably have a strength that you can have lots of empathy for your partner and sensitivity to their emotional state. That's the good side of FA hypervigilance. Finally, telling a DA about their own attachment when they're not ready can trigger their shame core wound, so tread lightly. Good luck.
Avoid avoidants, you hear me
You will save yourself a whole lot of pain.
Choose yourself
It doesn't matter how good of a person you are, they are bound to break you, I promise you.
Screw THAT! Leave and love yourself instead!!!
Yessssss. Avoidant people don’t need more people to show them they will only be loved if are exactly what their lover wants and modify themselves acordingly. If you are annoyed by the emotional processing of your avoidant partner JUST LEAVE THEM be free from you
@@loliipop070409 Right. YOU bend over for them. Be sure to grab your ankles cause that's the only way to please those who DON'T WORK ON THEMSELVES. Been there. Done with that.
@@JETTSTACHII was being sarcastic. I find your point of view entitled. People are not “not working on themselves” just because they are not having the results *you* want to satisfy *your* needs. So if you have a partner and you want them so bad to change how their internal world works, by all means, leave themmmmmm, you don’t really “love” that person
TRU
Yes… safe and free… but, also RELAXED. I want to be able to act and be the same way I would be if I were alone; not self-conscious. It would also be great to be able to just exist together, in each other’s presence/company, without necessarily interacting; not ignoring each other, but just being comfortable contentedly sharing the same space and experiencing physical closeness within that space. May sound boring to some, but to an INTP, “Healthy Avoidant”, of 58 years old… sounds like Heaven to me.
Wait until there is no conversation.
@@sunflowerroark5170 I’m an “Avoidant” (though a “healthier” one; who has done a lot of introspection and is very self aware, and continuing to do “the work”). Maybe YOU (YOUR “attachment style” and personality type) are just not compatible with an Avoidant (and/or possibly others with whom you have been in a relationship). Figure yourself out FIRST, before becoming a couple. 👍🏼
Yeah that's about exactly what I'm looking for. I'm what I like to call somewhat avoidant.
I feel like therapists encourage people to navigate relationships with avoidants because it means thousands of dollars of therapy money in their pockets. Run, don't walk, away from severe avoidants. They will always break your heart.
If you choose to jump of that cliff that is.
You can fully ( allow yourself to) LOVE an avoidant person, but keep in mind that the reality of a relationship is different then easy, healthy and ideal.
But real love starts with friendship and true loyalty anyway, so ...
It can work, is what I mean to say, but it is not easy, takes a lot of time.
Someone said Love is the highest form of friendship.
🧡
Sounds like you speak from having been there and have valuable insight
@@stevealexander2649
Thank you,
if you have any questions,
feel free to ask.
✨🙏🏵️
@@Liza-Loves-Youit's an interesting insight.
I'm not quite sure my avoidant has the same understanding of friendship that I have (so that basically raises up the question if I should concider friendship instead of whatever I'd like it to be).
My criteria for the friendship is pretty simple: be able to help and support when needed (once I had a awakening experience in hospital, realizing that most people of my contact list would name a dosen of reasons of why whey can't give me a ride home).
I feel like "friendship" term for the avoidants is basically hanging out and not helping out.
thanks... i'm an avoidant and if it wasn't for my boyfriend i would've never been able to feel true love
remember that everyone is just a person as you're yourself and if smn hurt you one day that is lamentable i'm really sorry yet i don't think anyone should impose their experiences on others roughly generalizing them
Can a dog exhibit signs of DA or FA behavior ?
Yes, after trauma
Everyone in these DA dismissive avoidant videos tends to be salty, but I do feel like this is totally valuable advice. As someone who's anxious avoidant dealing with a DA friend (or two?), I DO see the value in using the visceral emotions (created in my OWN head!) that occur when I communicate with the DA. When I'm with a DA or communicating with them and I have that time to reflect on, hey, why do I feel lonely? Why do I seek validation for something as simple as X or Y? When I seek to self-improve, why do I also seek their approval? When I question myself, it almost feels like I'm going through my OWN list of "desires" that I "don't want to admit" because to admit them is painful and goes against my self defense mechanisms from my anxious avoidant upbringing. They're things I've struggled with for years. I'm no longer going to accept this pain as normal. Sure, to be let down will naturally lead to disappointment. But to be rejected by someone you like should not feel this horrible. Disappointing? Sure. But leading to obsession or restlessness or a clouded mind? No. So I know everyone here is hating on DAs, but as someone who still had growing to do, it made me question myself and finally see my shortcomings in this area.
Great that you're improving hun but remember if they're not pulling their weight, they're not worth your time. No matter how much you understand them.
I totally agree.
Wisdom in this and frank honesty. Thanks for the share.
'Sometimes', shy away from directness. Cute.
My avoidant ex literally said many times, "This is new to me".
After the breakup, he shared that, that Some how... Meant "I'm uncomfortable". Seriously, wtf?
Drop the wtf 🙏😂 they dont even know wtf. And they usually they don't want to.
I wish i knew this 3 years ago 😔
hIGHLY helpful. I have been for years convinced that loving my avoidant was a dead end. I now reconsider that by ending it with him, was the right thing to do. And that if he chose to reach out (which he never has), that there is a pathway to growthand self-knowledge by BOTH parties and achieving a great relationship.
What if he can’t say he loves me? He thinks he may never have love bc he knows it’s not like Hollywood
Not worth the Limbo. Leave.
I think you really helped to reorganized a lot of what i already went through so far. Thank you
Soul centered security!!!! What a wonderful approach and way to look at and love myself. Thia is great! Thank you!
You're so welcome!
This was excellent, well worth the watch. Thank you, and keep up the good work.
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for your videos, I love your balance with the spiritual and seeing it all from a more well rounded and conscious perspective. I am finding it very helpful for understanding my partner. Blessings***
From the next room 😂
👏👏👏
This is absolutely 👏brilliant
I'm done? Sorry.
"that naturally rejects incompatible relationships"
BOOM
Ya...there's no best way. They will still leave you abruptly with no regrets at some point. Move on. Find someone else.
TRU