6 Effective Communication Tips With Avoidant Partners
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- Опубліковано 28 чер 2024
- //6 Effective Communication Tips With Avoidant Partners// If you are wondering how to inspire avoidant partners to adopt more effective communication skills, this video is for you.
For partners that have anxious attachment, secure attachment, or fearful-avoidant attachment, their dismissive avoidant partners can often leave them feeling frustrated, by responding to bids for emotional intimacy with stonewalling and frequent communication fails.
This is often because these sensitive souls struggle to remain present with difficult conversations, which is characteristic of dismissive avoidant attachment.
But not to worry, there is hope!
By improving your communication in relationships, you can also inspire your partner to adopt effective communication skills as well, by modeling your new and improved communication skills at work.
Focusing on verbal communication, in this video, I share 6 effective communication tips that will help you get better results fast, without having to convince or strong-arm your emotionally unavailable partner into caring.
If you stick with me until the end, you will feel empowered, motivated, and relieved to know that there are strategies you can use to improve your communication with your avoidant partner.
I also invite you to take the communication quiz in the caption of this video, which will help you maximize your results, if you decide you’re ready to put these steps in to action!
Take the quiz: bit.ly/TCCQuiz
Do you find these tips helpful? What are your experiences related to this topic?
Leave me a comment and let me know!
Timestamps:
00:00 Introduction
02:49 Communication Difficulties
05:25 Tip #1: Be Present
06:48 Tip #2: Active Listening
07:58 Tip #3: Empathy vs Sympathy
09:39 Tip #4: Be Understanding
10:48 Tip #5: Boundaries
13:24 Tip #6: Radical Acceptance
16:38 Final Thoughts
20:47 Live Q&A
21:08 Why do we have to make the effort when avoidant partners don't?
24:58 How to calm the feelings of panic with emotional conversations?
28:22 No contact with my dismissive partner for 20 days.
29:04 Where have all the healthy partners gone?
#dismissiveavoidantattachment, #avoidantpartners, #communicationinrelationships #brianamacwilliam
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Have you tried these tips before, and how did it go? Or if you are avoidant, how would you respond to this approach? Let me know in the comments below!
Briana, would you please give examples of consequences to give in order to motivate your partner to make time for open & honest discussions face to face? He typically works long hours (which is often necessary) but makes time for relaxing/eating/drinking, etc with his friends. I'm flexible with space & activities outside the two of us yet have often felt neglected, excluded, like an afterthought or last priority (if any). He hates talking on the phone & even lighthearted communication in person is a struggle sometimes. I understand a lot of his behavior involves coping mechanisms, ie stalling & avoidance, lack of emotional expression... but he's previously shown the ability on rare occasions. Thanks
I also want to thank you for helping us understand avoidant behavior & mindset. Nice to know it's not me.
**Have you made any videos about how THEY can grow & heal to become more healthy/secure & better functioning in adult relationships? Will they always fear commitment &/or let fear of intimacy & rejection rule their lives?
**Any vids to teach avoidant types how to better love & understand - and SHOW it to their partners - or are they incapable of true empathy & seeing from any POV besides their own?
I don't think all the effort should be on the (healthy/secure) partners. It can be emotionally draining & hurtful, despite one's resilience & patience level. Fwiw, I employ most of these comm techniques anyway, but it's like pulling teeth to get relevant feedback, if any. And even then, it usu. results in projection or blame shifting - accusing me of the very things he's guilty of. It seems like we want the same things overall yet he's very inconsistent in words & actions. Tbh, I'm not sure if he understands himself. Tia~
@@Lexi_Con yes, I have many videos and resources on this topic. I recommend checking out my playlist on avoidant partners. I also recommend checking out my most recent video series. Next week we’re gonna be releasing a video on this topic, explicitly. In the meantime, I have a lot of courses on my website that guide people through a specific roadmap for healing with insecure attachment styles. You can check it out at brianamacwilliam.com.
Not to be "holier than thou" but the painful thing is that we the anxious are willing to make an effort and even hear harsh things said to us but the avoidants could care less because by default the anxious open heart is the villain because we are being looked at with the lens of heir past experiences. We do our best such as seeking out information such as that found in this video, not even knowing whether the avoidant will see it or appreciate it and most likely we will never know, cos of the type of people that avoidants are.
lots of avoidants also work on themselves...
I believe that I’ve learned and become a secure attachment style person over the years and have been on & off for 20 years with my avoidant attachment styled person. I’m just now realizing why this is due to these videos in the past 24 hours and getting angrier as the minutes go by listening to people consistently suggest to lean more into them and their needs. Well, who the f^ck is then going to acknowledge and tend to our needs? Why stoop this low? To abandon the love you need to fulfill another person who has no intentions of fulfilling yours? Who doesn’t want you to get your needs else where Then demoting myself to keep this low effort person in my life? What benefit is there? A warm body that makes all your responses a personal attack?
I can do better by myself.
I have experience the very same thing. You have to set boundaries and if they can't honor those boundaries, then walk away.
@@cryptolizardhehimithishers6729 i guess that's why I walked away to these videos. This attachment style is not something I want to get used to despite my attempts to understand. Before these videos, I would say they're just toxic. After these videos, they're deeply toxic and especially if I'm not allowed to set any boundaries because it makes them feel controlled. I can't help but feel like this is a cop-out for not having order to one's life regarding discipline and consistency or being accountable to oneself for self-improvement sake. It's a bs attitude for a marriage and a family or long- term relationship for that matter. Lol. SMH.
@healthiswealth7555 yes, those people normally don't want to be held accountable
@@healthiswealth7555 It's funny how anxious people are willing to put themselves through hell and adapt themselves to the needs of avoidants but avoidants just have zero empathy. They're the only ones who are able to ruin secure people
That's a good point. I have a crush on someone with this avoidant behavior. It's probably best that I don't give her a chance.
Although I think she deserves love, the person giving it to her wilp not get back the reciprocity. I have no intentions of fighting that battle. Love should not be so forced like this.
The issue is that ultimately the avoidant can always fallback to their trump card of shutting down and ghosting. They usually do
Immature
@@asadahmed3431 No. Not immature. Selfish + uncaring. Takers, not givers.
@@jeanannedupratt7075 Immature in a lot of ways, especially emotionally. Maturity means doing something you need to do in spite of difficulty, discomfort, or lack of immediate/visible rewards. Long term relationships require effort by both partners, even when they don't feel like it. That includes healthy communication, time & attention, both verbal & physical affection, empathy, encouragement, etc etc... Avoiding any of the above bc someone dislikes it is very selfish & immature. So is avoiding accountability.
Can't see any of the tips working in the long term unless the avoidant partner can clearly see their avoidance is a barrier in creating connection and are committed to healing their attachment style.
You have zero room for error with your choice of words with these folks. Zero room to have a human moment where you yourself may be dealing with multiple stressors like work, family, health issues etc. Your struggles are interpreted as weakness and are judged or dismissed secretly if not openly.
You make a very insightful point. Effective communication is a two-way street, and if only one partner is committed to making changes, the relationship will likely continue to struggle. It's true that avoidant individuals can be particularly sensitive to certain words or behaviors, which makes open and honest communication all the more challenging.
The emotional labor involved in constantly treading on eggshells can indeed be draining, especially when you're already dealing with other life stressors. It's unfair to feel like you have to be perfect all the time, and no one should feel judged or dismissed for having human moments.
The key is mutual commitment to growth and understanding. Without that, even the best communication strategies can fall flat. Take care and protect your emotional well-being. 💖
"How to chase someone who doesn't want to commit to you more effectively"... Just walk away, it's not worth the hassle and she'll leave the moment you slip up anyway.
I appreciate your input! Sometimes it's best to prioritize our own well-being and let go of someone who doesn't want to commit. It's important to remember that we deserve someone who values and respects us.
Facts
What if she has your child inside of her?
Someone who doesn’t want to commit doesn’t want to commit. You can’t “make someone” want to commit. It’s better to accept that you want your chase someone who doesn’t want to commit. …. The chasing a non committing person is about you.
So true @@MellowBellow1
This was enlightening. Omg I make so many assumptions and run circles in my own head. Communication is key.
Its a trauma THEY need to solve. Its undo able when they dont even see their own behaviour.
I feel I've been a defensive avoidant person for a while and I want to fix these issues within me for my relationship and its struggles currently. I don't want to cause bad energy anymore within this.
Good! Learn self love and learn self soothing. Set boundaries for yourself, you need to stop pleasing people and hurt others in a relationship. Stay in touch with one person you like.
Are you sure you're a DA?
I do have some avoidant traits and the thing about empathy vs. sympathy is just spot on! I actually has said this to people countless of times: please don't respond to my feelings and struggles with sympathy, I don't want that - please respond to it with empathy.
HannehYA Glad you liked this video! Thank you for commenting.
Point #6: It's often the most difficult hurdle, when they're so avoidant, that they always find or invent some excuse to perpetuate their staying in that apparently safety-bubble.
I've tried all of these tips, even before coming to discover attachment style work. They did not work for me. The tip for setting aside time to discuss things was particularly painful as he avoided having the 5 minute conversation during the time he decided on, and this was even after I did what he said would be helpful in creating a comfortable environment for him to discuss the issue in. As far as consequences, not sure how that's even possible. Removing your presence, time, energy, etc is what they want.
Thank you for watching, and for commenting. Gently, I would remind you that these tips, “work“ in the sense that they are helping you to become an investigator of the true compatibility of your relationship. We are not defining effectiveness as getting someone else to do, say, be, or act in the way that we want them to, effectiveness stems from knowing that you have expressed yourself in the most conscientious way possible, therefore, however they respond is the truth of their capacity and readiness to show up in the relationship on a certain level. And you can trust that you did your best and if it doesn’t work out, it’s not on you.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I LOVE this answer, thank you!
So do that. They don’t want a real attachment. They want your services, a “yes” man, and a carte blanche. Just suck up, and act obedient. But sometimes be a little sassy, or cry about something that hurt you that really wasn’t something that would be too hard if they keep doing it.
So basically treat him like a toddler? I’ll pass. Too much calculation. It’s not going to work.
Interesting. I prefer compassion to empathy. I prefer a person not assume they know how I feel. I'm dx ASD/ADHD/PTSD and have an open heart attachment style.
When people share their empathy, it seems like they make my pain anout them. I prefer to hear , "wow, I can only imagine what that's like for you. It sounds awful. I'm here for you."
Thanks for insight into what the rolling stone and spice of life people in my life need.
For tip #5- what do consequences for not following thru on their agreement to have an emotional discussion look like? ❤❤❤ Thank you 🙏🙏🙏
Wow Wow Wow,... you have called us out to the T. I'm completely blown away. We've both tried tot get away, but it doesn't seem to work. Thank you.
I think your video is great. I am a changed, improved dismissive avoidant, and I have, or had, a good friend with whom I have experienced increased avoidance the "closer" we have grown. Unfortunately, I have been so wounded and lost trust over broken commitments, that I have decided to discontinue the friendship. I have compromised my boundaries, and feel I have lost myself. So, I parted kindly. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
If you want to change then... How about reaching out to them? :) you can see it as a test for yourself and your mettle in this new undertaking. Really you have nothing to lose...
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results... In your case the opposite might be reaching out and acknowledging past mistakes whilst allowing yourself to be a little bit vulnerable :)
If you decided for your friend, chances are that they didn't choose the same outcome... Especially if they viewed their relationship in a similar light to the one you view them. I can sense alot of feeling there....
Either way whatever you decide, good luck!
You’re an amazing human being! Thank you for sharing your experience and knowledge… it is all about being more selfless and accepting of others struggles… being big enough to get our feelings off our sleeves!
Please help! I am the 49 year old, severely traumatized childhood, anxious 4th wife of my 66 year old doesn't have a clue he even had unavailable parents dismissive avoidant husband, I'm new to this study and we are going up in flames! I'm full of bitterness, we are 3 years old in relationship, and about done. I'm angry and hurt from all of his abandonment, stonewalling, uncooperative, nonparticipating, ignoring me self! I don't want to divorce but from where I'm sitting, this looks impossible.
I think I no longer give af about catering to an avoidant persons feelings. The only persons life they need to come into is a therapists.
I’m a new subscriber to your channel and OMG, I finally have everything explained to me. I’ve been on a path of self discovery (taken self development workshops/group work/working with love coaches) for the past 7 years. I’ve done so much work on myself and have worked through so much unhealthy behaviors. I’ve been interested in an avoidant man and he is someone I really care for but has been avoiding me and I’m going along with it. I’ve recently started IFS/somatic work to understand how to unblock my sense of insecurity in relationships and finding my voice again. Thank you for explaining this relationship….. I love understanding of how to communicate effectively.
I've been listening to Briana (she's great, isn't she) because of having karma to complete with a severe avoidant and having never had to deal with emotionally unhealthy people before so am very naive. On top of which a few months ago found a perfect friend with our having a ton of things in common in our life experiences, knowledge and values. That relationship is so completely and totally easy. No problems, no stress and we spend a lot of time together (as friends). Just don't know if I'll be able to put up with the huge lack of emotional health and lack of maturity my avoidant exhibits after experiencing so fully the complete opposite. My friend and I are both secure types.
I would want a partner to focus on what I need rather than what I want.
Excellent video thank you so much. One thing I really struggle with is expressing my needs with my avoidant partner. It always seems to comes across as me complaining about him even when I am really trying to delicately select my words. I would love a video on this topic !
Thank you for watching in for commenting. I’m glad you like this video. For more on this topic, you might enjoy this video as well: 8 Anxious & Avoidant Trigger Statements + What to Say Instead
ua-cam.com/video/aluF8zUygNE/v-deo.html
I’m glad the video is helpful! Th thank you for sharing a bit of your experience. That’s a great topic idea. Meanwhile you might enjoy this video: 8 Anxious & Avoidant Trigger Statements + What to Say Instead
ua-cam.com/video/aluF8zUygNE/v-deo.html
you are so great ! what a find!! x
Thank yo. All these ideas made ME more self aware. And this gave me more confidence. competence. Feeling competent helped ne a lot to tuckle certain moments we've been struggling with.
Thanks Briana, your clear and comprehensive communication style is a godsend.
I’m more avoidant so I would want empathy from a partner.
Then *give* empathy
This is a valuable video to be watched again and again.
So helpful and clearly explained, thank you
Thank you for all the good information. I have a very stubborn partner who is very much avoidance and I’m trying to learn how to talk to her we’ve been together for just over 12 months and I’m barely learning this about her.
I focus on the present moment.
very useful thank you.
I really like your videos they are more of a positive than some out there that are extremely negative feelings to me. I have a very avoidant partner but I have also seen those characteristics in me at times. I've been divorced for 20 years and that abandonment was very difficult for me. Now I've met up with somebody which I would consider my myself 10 years ago we had a very strong connection sexual feelings towards him but I have never felt for anyone. I would have sworn he had some sort of cologne on! I seriously have never felt that in my entire life. But I kept it together and never said anything. Thinking it was just me feeling this so then you kind of made a pass at me. I wasn't sure what he was up to so I kind of deflected it.
Great advice.
Thank you
You are so good ❤
You are so easy to listen to. You articulate things so so well. Thank you 🙏
Rich McKee Guitars Thank you for commenting. I’m glad the content has been helpful!
If you’re dating a DA/FA
RUN…RUN FAR FAR AWAY .
Briana, I love your content and you totally helped me heal and end a 10 year long anxious avoidant trap. I was the anxious in the relationship. I now find myself in a relationship with an anxious woman and I still have anxious tendencies and now I'm seeing myself become slightly avoidant. It's crazy because I know how much that hurts. There seems to be a lack of content in general about Anxious + anxious relationships could you please pick this topic sometime. Thanks
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad that the content has been helpful. And also thank you for the content suggestion. We do talk more about these types of relationships in my group coaching program, “the courageous communicator,” but we could probably bring some of this to the channel. If you’re interested in learning more, you can check out a training for the program here: bit.ly/TCCFearless2Confident
Watching this so i can explain what makes me deflect. I want to explain i feel this way when you say abcd
Thank you for watching and wanting to understand more about why you feel the way you do. I appreciate your willingness to engage in conversation and share your perspective.
From intimacy he put me in the friend zone. I keep my options closed but now I think I will put myself out there
Thank you for commenting and for sharing your experience, @joannedomingo2398. Sending you well wishes on your journey.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment Thsnkbu
❤head above water...🎉
Why is it that they are like kids? Do we really have to stoop down to their level like this? Damn!
When I gave them the space they said they wanted and compromised. Instead of getting closer and building a life together, the gap got larger. Every excuse to never make plans or build a life together. Eventually I caught her cheating and she was engaged 4 days after we stopped talking. She wanted so much distance so she could use as an excuse to use that time to get closer to someone else.
Hi I’m a new subscriber to your channel! I’m just wondering, why do individuals who are avoidant get into relationships in the first place if they’re only going to emotionally distance themselves from their partner?
Thank you for subscribing. And welcome to the channel :) so when we are talking about avoidant attachment (and attachment styles in general,) we are talking about needing a certain degree of space between ourselves and someone else to feel comfortable. Avoidant partners just more space than others. And because of that, anxious partners perceive it as, “distance”… but it’s not really distance, from the Avoidant partners perspective. It’s just how close you can get before they stop feeling safe with you. It would be better if you were to think of this as, “proximity.” I recommend watching the avoidant attachment, 101 video on my UA-cam channel under the attachment. Basics playlist. This will explain it a little bit further. Great question!
For the services their partner provides, no charge, that they themselves don’t prefer doing.
Same question: what would be appropriate consequences? When distancing is what they want, what’s the alternative?
Give them a third of what they want. They want 15 minutes twice a week? Give them one third of your own bare minimum time to keep someone attached. Spend your time with other people, get hobbies, and make more money than they do into your own separate account.
I've tried the scheduled limited communication time-frames, he either never responded with a time that he was available, or made himself completely indisposed and unable to speak during the timeframe I chose. 😂😂🤦🏻♀️
Thank you for watching and for commenting with your experience. That can be a very frustrating circumstance. In those instances I do recommend implementing consequences (which are different than ultimatums). This will reinforce your boundaries. You might find this video hopeful: Healthy Vs Unhealthy Boundaries: How to Tell The Difference
ua-cam.com/video/hxrL2N0WuOE/v-deo.html
I want people to respect my boundaries.
Boundaries are not a personality
You can’t always give someone what they give you.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your perspective, @chrismcevoy2503.
Don’t give them what they give you. You’ll become bitter, corrupted, and powerless.
How do I get my avoidant husband to explain why he had a 2 yr affair … I am ready to leave him as he shuts down and I am so devastated … we have been together 35 yrs should I just walk away ???
Esther Perel says some insightful things about affairs, I think.
For any relationship to be healthy, fruitful and fulfilling for both, it takes work.
You'll need to rebuild the relationship in a better way, to avoid this happening again.
There needs to be trust, friendship, healthy conflictresolution, adventure, playtime and vulnurability.
Real emotional intimacy, working together as a team instead of against eachother, painful conversations.
If he is willing to do the work, and you too, together you can get past this.
Where there is love there is hope.
Good Luck to you and keep us posted
Take care
❤
Yes. I'm sorry
Im a person with anxious attachment style. I know how it feels like how to talk or live with a person of avoidant attachment style. Its painful but there is this love which is more anything. Its feels like they treat you as a dog but remember you can love them without their permission. True love always forgives. In Jesus Name.❤
I would want empathy rather than sympathy.
can you provide the link of healing the wounded inner child.
Sure. The link is posted in the cards but you can also access it here.: Healing The Inner Child
ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DMyzTjSNsqNUN-b3hTBapTQ.html
🔥✨️
Please leave people as they are . Dont put your energy so much in getting a guy . Love shouldn’t be hard. It should be free from any boundaries insecurities fears and mystery
My bf wants.me to.make the first move and said he will let me know if he feels comfortable because he said hes not good with intimacy but how do i know if he wants me to make it at a given time. What signs should i look for?
So, the consequences for my ex for not following through on an important conversation we were supposed to have, and he's the one who set it up, to instead hang out with friends, was that I broke up with him. Third time I got stood up. 😢
What if ur not in contact with avoidances how do u fix this to get communication
This sounds like me Briana.
Thank you for sharing!
So what do you suggest to not be so anxious when you have and avoidant partner that doesn’t commit to one person and feels you should be ok with it…. This causes anxiety for me .
Sit with yourself and see if this is a quality YOU value and want for yourself. You don't need to push yourself towards something that hurts you. Value yourself and what you want. 🙏
Oh yes, my ex husband knew me inside and out, for a decade. During the last week we were in the same house, he tried feeding me food I am very allergic to. He would limit my sleep by starting big emotional fights before bed, and made it impossible for me to work from home during the pandemic lock down. That was a difficult set of years!! We were both stubborn.
Thank you for watching and for commenting. However, this situation sounds very severe and beyond avoidant attachment. There’s an element of maliciousness here, you might find this video playlist helpful. Narcissism and Attachment Theory
ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
So he has no responsibility on how he cheated and made me feel rejected and ignored?? I’m still trying to make him feel better and safe to communicate with me?😢.
He cheated and hid females on his Social Media… when I called him out he became physical… pushed me and sprained my hand to let go of his iPhone… I almost saw all the females he was talking to and seeing behind my back 😢…. It’s apparent that it’s my fault that my emotions triggered him and I’m the reason he chose to cheat 😢
@@Badmomsclubsweetheart…I’m not Briana but my goodness assess the situation for what it is…just bc a partner has avoidant tendencies doesn’t excuse bad behavior. We work on us so we get a CHOICE & POWER comes back in our court to see what we are going to do next
How does one know which partner type one is?
Thank you for watching in for inquiring. You can take the attachment styles quiz here: onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-assessment
Just find someone who is more emotionally stable
Hey, thanks for weighing in with your perspective. It's true that finding someone who is emotionally stable can make relationships easier in many ways. However, it's also worth noting that all attachment styles, including avoidant ones, come with their own sets of challenges and strengths. The goal of this video isn't to label avoidant partners as 'bad' or 'unstable,' but rather to provide tools for better communication and understanding in relationships where avoidant behaviors are present. Sometimes, people with avoidant attachment styles have incredible qualities like independence and a strong sense of self. With improved communication techniques, it's possible to have a fulfilling relationship with them. I hope this adds some nuance to the conversation. Take care!
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I think it depends on the individual’s personality,I’ve just helped someone with a.p in many areas as their 8 months sobriety and they have just ghosted after talking most days , I understand their emotional turmoil but it’s not the norm and it’s a hard pill to swallow coz I was worried about them ,the 3cs I didn’t cause it .I can’t control it ,and I can’t cure it , probably one of my character defects I’m like a balloon when you let go I’m gone (self preservation) bite me once your a fool bite me twice and I’m a fool . Thanks for your feedback but the push and pull in any relationship is not for me .I wish them all the luck on thief journey but it’s time too detach with love ❤️❤️
Women love emotionally unstable men. Their brains work backwards from what they think they want. However this doesn't last forever like most things.
I would want someone to understand where I’m coming from.
Me too
Do you know where you come from and can communicate that?
Tried to take your quiz and got a warning that the site may have been hacked
That was probably an old link. You can access the quiz here. Thank you for your interest. onlinecourses.brianamacwilliam.com/attachment-styles-assessment
Avoidants where you at
Everything seems about the avoidant . You might be asking to much from the partner , the partner might say I’ll just find someone else without all the problems of an avoidant.maybe they should have stayed single like people with b,p,d .
Hey, thanks for sharing your viewpoint. You're right that being in a relationship with an avoidant partner can sometimes feel like you're doing all the work. And it's totally valid for someone to decide that they'd rather find a partner without these challenges. However, the aim of this video is to offer tools for those who are committed to making it work with an avoidant partner. It's not about labeling anyone as problematic, but about fostering better understanding and communication. Just as avoidant individuals have their own reasons and complexities, partners who choose to be with them often see qualities that make the effort worthwhile. My approach is about enabling a deeper connection for those who choose this path. I'll also share that there are similar videos provided for anxious, secure, and fearful avoidant partners as well. You might enjoy starting with this one: ua-cam.com/users/live49CzRQNAiX0
Do avoidants know their avoidants ?
Men who were not needed have already emergency exited from life. I would like to know if broken heart syndrome in women in their 40's is connected.