Why Won't Avoidants Fight for You (And When To Let Go)
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- Опубліковано 2 лип 2024
- //4 Painful Reasons Why Won't Avoidants Fight for You (And When To Let Go)//Do you feel like your avoidant partner won't fight for your relationship? In this video, we delve into the complex world of avoidant attachment and the reasons why some individuals may struggle to invest in their relationships. From emotional suppression to unrealistic romantic expectations, we uncover the core issues that prevent avoidants from fully engaging in love.
We'll explore key concepts such as dismissive avoidant behaviors, avoidant deactivation strategies, and how childhood experiences shape one's approach to relationships. This video is crucial for anyone dating a dismissive or trying to understand why an avoidant might not fight for love.
If you're facing challenges with an avoidant partner and wondering when to break up or how to recognize signs of a toxic relationship, this guide will provide clarity and direction. Don't miss out on understanding these intricate dynamics and learning how to handle them effectively.
Chapters
00:00 Introduction
00:44 What is avoidant attachment style?
02:20 What do avoidant partners expect in relationships?
03:22 Avoidant Deactivation Strategy: Finding Flaws
04:07 Avoidant Deactivation Strategy: Emotional Suppression
05:03 What is co-regulation in relationships?
08:38 Can avoidant partners heal?
10:56 What are signs of a toxic relationship?
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#WhyWontAvoidantsFightForYou #AvoidantAttachment #DatingADismissive #DismissiveAvoidantCourse #WhyDontAvoidantsFightForLove #CanAvoidantsFallInLove #AvoidantDeactivationStrategies #WhenToBreakUp #SignsItsTimeToBreakup #ToxicRelationships #SignsOfAToxicRelationship
• Why Won't Avoidants Fi...
I write this from an avoidant's perspective: Thank you. Each time I watch a video, I feel more understood, and I understand other people better. Most places on the internet seem to act as though all avoidant people should just crawl in a hole and die (only slightly exaggerating), and this channel doesn't do that - it sees me as an actual person instead of a problem (you know, the component I've been missing my whole life). Words don't do justice for my gratitude. I truly believe I am on the mend. :)
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I am so glad that you feel understood and as if you can understand other people better. So happy to hear that you feel you are on the mend! Sending you good luck and big hugs on the journey. 🙌💕
Some of us are here because we love avoidant people (I am anyway). You’re not a pariah. 😊 And none of us are in a position to judge regardless (I’m not anyway) - as no one is perfect. Good luck in your mending journey.! I’m sure you’ll do great!
@aleewoolley , Same here!
@@aleewoolley I am really appreciative of your comment :) Knowing that there are people on the other side cheering on my success is motivating - even when it's some rando on the internet.
For some reason I feel compelled to say "thank you for your service" for loving an avoidant person in your life, 'cause god knows we need it
@@seth_piano ❤️
Please for so many reasons… do not get any more involved with this person. You deserve what you want and need now.
Had enough of avoidant people. Best to abandon them and let them deal with their shit. No more effort from my side to such people. You cant keep giving excuses for people who had such childhoods. Sort your shit out.
You 'abandon' an avoidant and they will feel relieved... Like finally they're gone 😅
@@jenniferbecca3837 yes,
For a few days or weeks, until they realize their miserable life, and they cannot truly connect with someone. That’s not what any human deserves, but we can’t be Jesus saving others. They need to find help and heal instead of bringing more people to their mess. Yes, they have the capacity to be better for themselves first.
when you met an avoidant from dating app :
1. They do love bombing, talk about marriage with you at the very beginning
2. You say lets get to know each other more
3. they agree but won't share personal matter with you
4. You are confused. You call them out.
5. They will try again. better this time. Then talk about marriage again
6., you share your personal life, you two are getting closer. You start to talk about plan and commitment.
7. Boom, they are gone
My jaw dropped reading this!! This is PRECISELY what my avoidant did, in that exact order, no less!!!! NEVER AGAIN!
I've just realised that this is my ex boyfriend. I believe he really does care but won't fight for the relationship or open up. So I had to break up, couldn't handle this anymore
It’s awful that an avoidant individual can wreck so much havoc on others
Some of us are actually ethical avoidant and will tell people straight up that we don't want to pursue a relationship because we know how we think. However, most of the narcissists I've ever met aren't avoidant, and they're doing more damage to others.
My husband is an avoidant for sure. He will say, I’m done with you, or, I’m done with it. He sweeps everything under the rug and then wonders why the same problems pop up over and over.
Mine is exactly the same
They don’t want to solve problems, they sweep it under the rug. Dangerous.
Not for me. I need to feel safe and loved. Not hurt/confused and abandoned
Amen, yes! They are EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!
THIS 🙌✨🦋💕
Me either, it just took me 10 years wasted to find out. What’s worse is he doesn’t wipe, at all! So he would start to smell I kept checking my shoes and his and really everybody around I couldn’t take that smell. Like where is the dog? and when I found this out, we just finished a shower together and sex. He scooted his bum across my sheets leaving 💩on my darn 800tc sheets!!!! 😮🤬
If someone acts like your partner but refuses to use titles, it's because they aren't ready for a relationship, want to keep their options open, or aren't sure about you. Titles define a relationship.
There's no ambiguity when there's a title, which is why labels scare people who aren't read to commit. Relationships are about actions AND words. When it comes to relationships, actions don't always speak louder than words. One is not more important than the other. The important thing is whether someone's actions align with their words. To avoid using a title, people might say things like let's just take it slow, I want to enjoy what we have, I like things the way they are, I don't want to get hurt, I don't do labels, it's too much pressure, I'm not ready for a relationship yet, the timing isn't right, let's see how things are going in a few months, etc... But when a person is ready to commit, comfortable with intimacy, and sure about you, the way they act will align with the words they speak
I agree 100%. This was my 1st time dealing with a DA after 3 years divorce and it damaged me more than the divorce but I'm okay with letting him go and leaving him alone. Wish I didn't break my celibacy for his empty promises
:)
Thank you for writing this
This is the first time I've heard anyone reference an avoidant acting with a heightened nervous system. It's really enlightening to know that you can still reach someone who identifies as an avoidant, if they want to be reached, of course.
This video just totally explained my ex. After 17 years of hitting my head against the wall trying to have a normal life with her I had to let her go. This has been a relief on my personal well being. Thank you.
as an avoidant. this is my perspective. if you tell me I'm the problem. I believe you. unfortunately, occams razors sets in. if I'm the cause of the problem, therefore if I remove the problem (me) the problem goes away and your happier. I'm not saying it's right, it's just an instinct that's hard to overcome.
Thank you for sharing your perspective.
Omg this is me lol wow
occam’s razor would look to fix what the problem is so no further repeats of a problem occur
You're usually 70% of the problem
It’s your behaviour that is the problem, not your whole existence or presence.
They want changes in actions, because they would like to be with you.
If they didn’t ask for change they don’t care about you and would have left.
I’m so sorry for your pain.
The emotional crisis life puts you through is horrendous.
As an avoidant myself, I can share this:
you learn to rely on yourself so much
that you just feel frustrated at yourself
for not being able to let go
and just ask for help.
You just lie to yourself and everyone around you
about being okay,
but inside is this storm of negative-painful-harmful emotions
and self-hate.
Avoidants are people-pleasers,
their words mean nothing,
and that's why their words don't match their actions;
hours of conversation and then the next day they are a completely different person.
They only think about themselves.
Healthy relationship
becomes impossible.
Please,
journal your emotions and thoughts, take long walks, watch these videos,
and remember it was never about you.
Choose Peace.
Forgive and release.
Maybe even be grateful.
He helped activate emotions that your soul no longer wants to carry.
He activated them. That's the gift.
It's your opportunity to release them. That's the magic.
Sometimes,
the poison IS
the medicine (homeopathy).
He helped you to purify you.
Life is just a play of our emotions, and really is: a gift...
For purification,
for release,
for ascension.
I can’t stop thinking about him though i know we probably will never be healthy but it’s so hard letting him go i keep wanting to message him then i feel bad for not giving me space but how do you actuallt let people go?
if you have any advice 🙏
This was really helpful.
6 years of this. Until I realized this was toxic and I wasn’t being true to myself. Especially after asking him if he was open for a chat through text and him ignoring me and I haven’t heard from him in a month. He was calling me twice a day (prior)And we caught up every other weekend. But NEVER met his family. And he declined most social events.
Asked him to join me for a family lunch.
Usually doesn’t respond with ANY answer………..
The questionnaire at the end was my validation.
Thank you!
My avoidant husband and i were great when everything was going good. But as soon as there was any kind of problem of any size, he would get defensive, then offensive then be overwhelmed and curl up in the fetal position. I had to take care of everything alone that was challenging. I did this somewhat successfully for 4 years but towards the end, his inability to say anything nice about me, the projecting and the gaslighting became more than i could bare. We are now divorcing. I truly love him not i cannot love myself with him in my life.
I'm so sorry to hear about your story. I can relate to it. My boyfriend gets distant whenever I open up about my feelings and needs. He doesn't like to listen to them. It breaks my heart when he tells me that he can't meet my expectations and needs. We have been in silence for three days now after arguing. 😢
@@LynneChiong They are EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!!!
@LynneChiong are you going to be able to sustain the relationship knowing this? Just curious. I had a bf like this for 6 years, I decided to walk away, heart broken, but better off...
@@woboznz we always have a lot of misunderstandings and arguments over small things. Recently, we haven't been on good terms. I tried to break up with him, but I have this fear of being alone. I don't like feeling sad. I think I'm being numb and tolerating his behavior. I know this isn't good for my mental and emotional health, but I think I can't live without him. It sounds weird and I tried to divert it.
😞. I really want to move on but I'm not sure how and when to start.
@LynneChiong I know how you feel, I was very much the same with my ex. After I did leave him the loneliness felt profound at times, and the grief was overwhelming at times. But... guess what? You dont die, you survive! And you feel better. it is codependency, it's a Maladaptive attachment. Love may be there but it's not enough. It doesn't mean it's healthy love. Life gets better once you heal, but get a therapist first, you're gonna need support.
I’ve just been dumped by an avoidant partner - I was anxious because of his avoiding actions. He seemed to think I should allow him to go visit an ex and stay with her over a weekend- I said absolutely not- and was wanting me to go to counselling to deal with my anxieties!
They all do that. They do stuff like that and then say we’re not respecting their autonomy. If he doesn’t understand that he doesn’t need to spend a weekend with his ex when you’re a part of his life, avoidant or not, he’s the one that should be in therapy, not you.
Sorry if I said that but he Is an a**hole, not avoidant. Or probably a narc.
That's narc behaviour...👎🏻
Titles are everything and he sounds like a sc*mbag and will most likely run back to her anyway and tell her how you were jealous.
My ex went on a 5 day trip with his baby mama who used to harass me when we were together. I didn't hear from him at all during their trip. Total dick move. He would constantly engage in self-sabotaging behaviors. Hindsight is 20/20. I will never put up with such disrespectful behavior again. I don't care how much trauma or drama a person has. It's not an excuse to treat people poorly.
Now I fully understand why my one friend (who has no other friends) acts the way she does. Wants a close friend but always backing away. Canceling plans. No follow thru. Doesn’t show up when communication is clear. Too hard to deal with and unable to have a healthy reciprocal friendship. Doesn’t try to step up when it’s brought to her attention. Easier to back away and disappear. I get it all now. Sad but true.
As i was an anxious before, gotta admit that a short period of being with an avoidant made me becoming more secured
because i was so curious about their behaviors so I googled about it and there i got to learn how to be secure. But I wont fight for any avoidant ever again. Tried twice and were too overwhelmed. They need a lot of work to do and they dont know about it and they rejected it when i suggested.
Holy shit this is relatable! It sucks because she was a great person, but her emotional condition/attachment is not something I can or want to fix.
please dont im in one right now its fucking hell
This is my wife. Right now she's pulling away from me after a recent tragedy of losing my family. I have acknowledged her need for space, but she has refused to work together to repair our relationship.
I have been struggling with the loss of both my parents and my sister and her need to run from me just adds to my loss. But I have been working on getting better and am very in touch with my emotions and past trauma. I think it is scaring her because she can not acknowledge what she went through as a child.
This video was very helpful in understanding her own struggles.
Im so sorry you are going through this. Avoidants bolt when you need them most and its devastating.. Bereavement councilling really does change your life. I wish you well in the future and hope you divorce that no good muppet. May yur parents rest in peace 🙏💔
Dude i felt this in my bones. I lost my family due to cutting off toxic ties and my wife is also avoidant. I her mind she's fine, but in my mind I'm incredibly lonely. I cannot talk to her or touch her without any fear of being called needy or without her gaslighting me by saying "all you want is sex" bullshit. For the life of me I cannot connect with this woman, and every single time I reach out to try, it backfires. So I am lonely pretty much every single day of my life. And it sucks so bad because my wedding day was the happiest day of my entire life. But now I feel it's the worst decision I ever made.
So sorry for your loss. Sounds heartbreaking in more ways than one. I am kind of new to this channel & still learning about avoidant types (my bf/ex bf fits the description 100%), but I always thought a spouse - who's supposed to be your life partner & best friend - would be there for you in your worst time of grief. How sad!😢 I hope she's in counseling to deal with any past trauma or issues causing that behavior & that you get the emotional support you deserve.🙏🏼❤️
@@smokingcrab2290Your situation sounds very tragic also. I hope you both can find a way to communicate openly with each other about your needs & goals for the relationship. Have you considered a marriage/couples counselor, together or separately? An objective 3rd party is often helpful by asking questions that get to the root of the problem and may have good strategies to get your wife to open up (& see from your pt of view if necessary). Sometimes we don't really listen or understand those who are closest to us til an observer points something out from a different perspective. Best wishes!
If you have Showtime I recommend watching the series "Couples Therapy." I enjoyed it (regardless of my relationship situation then). The clients are all unique with different issues, and you really get to know & like them throughout the season. Even the hard to like ones.😉 The therapist is amazing & made me wish I lived close enough to see her.
*Great to catch a glimpse & ease your minds in case you've never been to a therapist/counselor.
omgggg. this was so helpful at just like taking the blame off myself for not being enough and understanding this persons behavior is not what I deserve
FFS...who needs or wants a mess like this ??
I have known mine for 2 years. I still don’t know our relationship status. I poured out my feelings to him and told him how I feel when he’s missing. He acknowledged and understood he’s wrong. Now we’re both avoiding. I am avoiding because I don’t see a future. He’s avoiding because he’s a DA. It’s been a week with no contact and still counting…
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. Very gently, it sounds like you are looking to him to set the tone of the relationship and to decide what happens. The only way to change this is to decide for yourself what you will, and will not accept. If the way he shows up is not what you envision for your future, then it sounds like you know what you have to do. This video might help:ua-cam.com/video/szzTAcD9ju0/v-deo.htmlsi=vReshNwk_xNzPZtC
Big hugs on the journey.
My ex is clearly AD but also has a lot of traits of a covert narc. Had to let her go when I realized all she was doing was sucking me dry as all I did was give, give, and continue to give, to her and she was never going to focus on any of my wants, needs, or desires.
I've tried for 3 years, I answered yes to all of the questions (#6 to all) #7 1000000%, #8 was the reason I ended it 4 days ago. Thank you so much for this video. All I can do is just pray and wish they get the help (that they don't want) and they can change.
Why would anyone want to go through this hell!??😮
I've been with an avoidant partner for 6 years. Every time we fight or we are about to break up, we always work on it.
❤
So it's one big fight to keep him focusing on something that should be natural in a relationship. He's not learning❤
My ex and I grew up together. In highschool, it became known that her father sexually abused her. We were best friends growing up. After highschool, we went our own ways and list contact. Due to social media, she found me 5 years ago. We dated for two years. Everything was great in the beginning. Once the serious talk began, which she kind of started, she suddenly withdrew. I was always comforting, kind, loving and supportive. It didn't matter though. She just grew cold and distant with no explanation as to why. I have struggled for the last 3 years with the heartache. Knowing what a DA is, has helped me get answers to questions she has never given me
All of this sounds exactly like 99.9% of the dating perspective on modern social media.
People haven't bothered to raise their kids to the point where society is melting down.
Just kids that never bothered to turn into adults, at the end of the day. They'll either deal with their damage, or sit around wishing they would.
The final part of this video is one of the most important things I've ever watched about being in a relationship with an avoidant -- you don't have to do the impossible!
WATCH THIS VIDEO, IT'S CRUCIAL!
Thank you for your kind words and for watching. One thing I might add, is that the list of questions at the end is for any attachment style. Anxious, avoidant, and fearful partners can all demonstrate dysfunctional behavior. It’s a more general list to let people know when a dynamic has become toxic and it’s time to leave. Thanks for watching!
I’m over here beating myself up over maybe one moment of neediness, but I have to remember that this has nothing to do with me. It was all the abuse coming from her ex husband.
My wife was cheated on by all 4 of her previous exes. Shes an avoidant who breadcrumbs me and I never understood it till now. She gave the best of herself away, and now I'm paying for it.
I think most of have avoidant, anxious, etc parts to us if we grew up in an u healthy household. And because of that, I think it’s better to think of yourself as you, a complex human who shouldn’t be labeled, and see your patterns of which some may be avoidant some may be anxious, and perhaps if you are in a certain situation you are more anxious and in another you are avoidant. Regardless, you recognize that these patterns mean something is wrong with the person you are seeing, and also that there is some healing for you to do. You are not “avoidant”. It’s all situational.
I was in a long term narcissistic abusive relationship. I developed so much anxiety during it. But I now find myself a Fearful Avoidant attachment. Which makes dating hard. I keep trying to heal, I’m in therapy, abstained from relationships for nearly three years, learning to communicate better. It’s really hard. Thank you for this video.
Thank you for watching and sharing a bit of your personal experience. Sending you good luck on the journey.
Thank you, Briana. The checklist at the end, citing specific behavior as signs of things turning toxic is so helpful for me. I recognize some of these but sometimes the reconciliation is still challenging. Having it called out for what it is, is so helpful.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I’m so glad that it was helpful. 🙏❤️
Yes, it is absolutely draining to try to engage with a person with such traits, the thing is no one is equipped or no one was equipped with such knowledge beforehand until this new type of content started to emerge to surface on the internet.
The saddest part is to have learned it after having a kid with such a character while all you might wish is to give the best possible context to that child to grow healthy on the longest of the possibility
I guess I am purge writing a little bit here. But gosh I wish this content would have been tough at school or some kind of institution that makes them available for the mass.
Thanks for such an amazing video Briana. God bless ypu for having broken down this complex subject in such a comprehensive way 🙏
Holy crap!!!!! This is absolutely spot on!!! It's like you were looking at my life at the last part of this video as you dove into whether or not to proceed and fixing the relationship. I'm naturally going that course.
She said she was giving up cuz she's tried everything, and my reply to that was we haven't tried everything. As she said yes we have, I said we haven't tried counseling or couples counseling. And I'm open to both options.
She hasn't necessarily declined it, but she has taken the petulant route and been more silent treatment and disappearing act.
However being with her as long as I have, I know the telltale breadcrumbs that she leaves behind when she hasn't actually given up. Such as, she's still wearing the rings that we gave each other. She still prepared the coffee maker so I'd have coffee in the morning for work before I left. And other various things of that sort.
Hopefully she'll sit down and watch this video with me and recognize her reflection in the majority of this video.
I openly acknowledge for my shortcomings are. I know I was the anxious attachment style of the non-avoidant variety. But My journey to become a securely attached person, although long, has been pretty successful. I feel like I'm about 80% or more there. But sometimes my anxious attachment comes out of me. And I know her negative traits of the avoidant characteristics sometimes can pull those darker sides out of me. But I do my best to keep them at bay.
Thank you very much for sharing this. I really appreciate it. And I hope everybody else who watches this receives as much insight and help as I have.
Couples counseling never works
Wow I’m so glad I saw this comment I feel like I’m in exactly the same place as you ! I hope you get some resolve in your situation and things get better… I’m not sure about mine but I hope so.. like you I’ve done a lot of work on my own attachment style but the avoidant behaviour does awaken the beast sometimes and that’s where I’m at now but hopefully it will work out for the best whatever happens 😊
Been with him for 5 years, he would dump me ND I will beg and crawl back. I broke up with him and he just said OK.
It's exhausting, I understand he can't meet my needs and I don't want to demand that from him cos I know he can't offer me that and I know I must leave, it's hurts.
Have you ever tried asking for what you want instead of playing stupid games and winning stupid prizes?
It's all landing with me. My avoidant boyfriend broke up two weeks ago. He lost his job fear of failure and now I've been kicked to the curb.
Super helpful and clear.
Love your video! Good information!
very well explained ! Thank you ! a great video with great and important content !
That's quite an exaggerated list for an anxious person to get broken up with by an avoidant. iIn my experience it's much less likely that the avoidant is going to do any work and that the anxious is going to do all the work!
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m not sure what you mean by an exaggerated list. These are 4 deactivating strategies for Avoidant partners. At the end, there are 10 questions for anyone to ask themselves if the relationship dynamic has become toxic and it is time to leave, regardless of attachment style. I hope that clarifies things.
Really great detailed, clear, concise explanation. Thank you!
My partner is an avoidant and I am a fearful avoidant. We both hate conflicts, but my partner more. I said to him, that conflicts are okay, and if this relationship is important , we should navigate through. He gives his best. Sometimes he goes fishing and needs his alone time and I am now strong enough to know, it’s okay , and I give him his time ( although we only see each other on weekends), but after this alone time he is regulated and peaceful. And , he is willing to solve conflicts! 😊
Also, important to add that when they go through a life changing event, like their kid is moving in, they don’t have the emotional bandwidth to juggle both that and the person in their life. They become snippy and irritable at the tiniest things. They try to control what you verbally share. They don’t care how they put someone else out because it’s about taking care of them, no apology or offer to repair. They don’t believe apologies include offers of repairs.
Wow! 🤯 You are naming and thereby validating my experience being married to an avoidant partner for 21 years, together for 30 years! Thank you for the work you do!
You are so welcome
8/10 yes in the questionnaire... i left months ago heartbroken and hopeless, it was certainly time to go
This is amazing
Very helpful to understand. I truly see how the trauma affects them and how they need to work on themselves. Very freeing !
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I’m glad that the video was helpful!
Wow this video was really good
I have been both anxious and avoidant attachment, with rare in between periods of secure attachment……
No longer avoidant because I KNOW how it feels to be on the other side and the pain it causes. It’s so hard to undo all of the subconscious autonomic responses our minds and bodies have put into place during survival mode to protect us from trauma and damage…..only broken through humility and self awareness. I don’t necessarily blame those who don’t know what they’re doing, although on the other side of the coin when they can project onto the other the things they are actually doing themselves, it shows a degree of awareness, albeit unconsciously. There is no change without accountability, no accountability without reflection, there is no reflection without empathy and remorse, and there is no empathy and remorse without humility. Humility is the ONLY asset we have as human beings and it’s the only vehicle that knows the directions on the journey and to the destination of growth, change and peace.
❤
This seems super accurate to what I’m going through with my bf who have gone no contact for a week now.
you are so awesome. I love how succinct and articulate you are. I have been in a relationship with a guy who turns out is an alcoholic. at first i thought he was a fearful avoidant...and he may well be in addition. He hid his drinking from my until I recently discovered that he is mean when he drinks. I ended it promptly because i was deeply hurt and will not let anyone abuse me. It's been difficult because he said he was mortified when he read his text to me (when he sobered up). He said he misses me and i miss the good parts of him as well. I told him that i think he needs to get help and i pray to Goddess that he does. In the meantime i am healing as my search for love continues. Thank you for your videos.
In my opinion, you made the right choice :) If he cleans up his drinking to save the relationship, he's likely to relapse if the relationship ends or gets difficult. If he cleans up his drinking for the sake of his own life, he's likely to keep it that way for the rest of his life.
You are incredible. Thank you for your work.
I think you are helping me let go. I've been getting there. Of course, it's complicated. We made sure we were moving slow, we each have kids from former 15 yr+ marriages. We've know each other since we were teenagers, had separate lives etc, and came together 4 years ago. Anyway, your work has filled in so many blank spaces I didn't have words for, even having been deep into the personal growth space. Thank you 🙏🏼
I found your information very informative. and I'm going to use them as early as possible
Glad it was helpful!
Having a relationship with an avoidant is like building a lego castle only to see it destroyed by the kid next to you....
in a perpetual fashion..
No one needs to fight for your love. If you want them to do that it is you who are manipulating them.
Love is like stoking a fire to keep it burning in a fireplace. It takes two to make a relationship work and loving effort. Nurturing and building the relationship is essential to a successful relationship and marriage🔥 ✨
sadly you are pretty much describing me. really hope i can fix up before and during my next reolationship
All is exactly on point. He is stubborn and hates that im sensitive and cares
Well said
I was like “yeah I guess I should let go..” then when the questions came up, my answers were mostly no. I’m still torn between staying or just leaving. We never really talked about officially ending it. I even offered to be friends but he just kept dismissing it by saying he’s gonna respond when he’s not busy. It’s dehumanising yet I still refuse to believe he’s a bad person.
I love how my avoidant man is always coming back. And then he's sooo passionate❤ Actually he's the best love maker i ever had. But yes emotionally unavailability is difficult still.. can't have arguments or something.
Strange thing is he loves romantic music or love movies😂
When he's distant and he's also emotionally unavailable, how do I communicate with him? Or do I just keep away and occupy his absence with other commitments and wait for him? Or do I let him know his absence is making me nervous about our relationship?
Not strange...she just mentioned they can be very romantic but yet have a very unrealistic idea of relationships
sounds toxic
Please make those 10 questions into an interactive quiz on your website. Or at least list them there. That would be super helpful! Thank you!
Sounds like a lot of work. I'm glad I've learned to take care of my own needs and maintain my autonomy both outside and inside my relationships. I couldn't imagine arguing about something as trivial as sharing your feelings or using the wrong vocabulary. Granted, I get there are words that can't describe exactly what we're thinking all the time, but to start drama over it is childish. I guess it makes sense why I left my exes when they started acting this way. 🤷🏿♂️
My dating partner was really excited about me when we first met then a month later, he pulled away. He started picking me apart, even telling me he wasn’t “into me that way.” Because of your content, I realized he was deactivating and I respected his desire for space and started to move on. When he started to feel safer with me, and realized that I was not going to swamp him emotionally or tie him down, he started to be much less critical and much more affectionate towards me. We are in a happier, calmer place, now, a year later, and our relationship feels mutually satisfying. 😊
Thank you for watching and for sharing a bit of your experience. I am so glad that the content has been helpful for you, and that you have found a place of harmony in your relationship. Bravo! 🙏❤️
I see ppl saying this about how now theyre in a great place w their avoidant partner and all i hear is "it is my fault for having needs." Cuz you dropped him and so he stayed. I tried to give affection and distractions and they bailed. So like.. Tis my fault. Thats the answer. When someone wants you but doesnt wanna admit they want you the correct response is "play games" thats such bullshit.
He picked you apart and you took him back? He showed you who he is. Believe him. Decent people dont pick people apart.
@@maxsheerin8219I knew he was hypercritical because of his own fears and it wasn’t about me. I stood up for myself. It was Briana’s content that helped me remain calm and confident. He would tell me things like I “didn’t need supplements” if I just ate a healthy diet but then he admitted he bought supplements. It was stupid things he would pick at, not anything major. He was kind and sweet most of the time. I wouldn’t stick around for actual ABUSE. I left an abusive marriage and won’t be dealing with that ever again.
@@CDMuffyI didn’t play games. I remained friends with him and his affection towards me increased over time. I like him more than any other man I’ve ever dated so I have stuck it out and learned a lot about needs vs desires. He meets lots of needs I didn’t realize I had and some of my wants and desires. Life is always an adjustment and I know I have a lot of baggage too. Overall, it has been a good experience for me and I know he is grateful to have me in his life.
Iv done work but felt some other understanding was missing so this resonats with me.
Now to find out how to change that .
Those questions at the end are for narcissistic relationships.......
Narcissists relentless pursue fantasy relationships
Narcissists are controlling
Narcissists are paranoid and stalk
Narcissists don't love you
Relationships with avoidants can seem very similar, but perhaps even more lonely because they don't even love bomb you.
Avoidants and narcs both have a tendency to have one foot out the door
Avoidants and narcs can both be dismissive and fail to take relationship problems seriously
Both can discard you when relationships become work, and send you through push pull cycles
But the narcissist is up and down, and if you're not with them then goodbye to you
Thank you for watching and sharing your perspective. However, avoidant partners can also demonstrate these behaviors without a diagnosis of narcissism. The questions at the end are for toxic dynamics in relationships, which are likely to have some level of narcissistic traits involved, but it exists on a spectrum. Narcissism exists on the spectrum of “self” wounding, which ALL people with insecure attachment styles have. To learn more I recommend checking out my playlist on this topic. Narcissism and Attachment Theory
ua-cam.com/play/PLrMVDDz2c7DPYQexPiZyWGU9uDPqv8gI_.html
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment I guess the one differential then is that narcissists exhibit robust cathexis?
While the DS partner is actually more like a psychopath partner in the sense that they seem to barely hold on to you?
I've been involved with 2 avoidant relationships - exhusband and exboyfriend... Thank you for this information.
When I get to a point where I'm ready to let go and I refuse to answer him that's when he comes in full force calling and texting non-stop. He turns anxious after being cold as ice most of the time. And it's so hard not to fall for it.
He said he just wanted us to be in a good place (when he thought I was done for good) and that he would do better. Not one thing has been better.
I guess this is more of a trauma bond than anything.
Most of the questions were a "yes" but I can't seem to walk away.
It’s like your words are also mine….
I’m struggling to move on but I’m doing better with each day.
we need to let go, and fight it. Actively to not let ourselves sink into our imagination and attraction, and keep finding excuses for the other side.
It’s not healthy for us… we deserve to not be stressed when we are with our loving partner.
If he’s not willing to treat his toxic traits, (therapy etc) there is no place for him in your life.
Our loving partner suppose to be our safe space.
End of story. ❤
100%@@Rose-vc3fk
It’s because we are not able to let go of the future we imagine we will have if this person finally changed. You are probably ready to let go of this person. It’s the future we imagined with that person that we have to let go of. That future is not real. It is a fantasy. And it will never happen with a person who acts in this way. This will continue for years and years. (Ask me how I know. 😞)
He is ignoring your shitty behavior.
THEY ARE EMOTIONAL ABUSERS!!! GUARD YOUR HEART!!
You are explaining my recent relationship and break up
I have been both anxious young + later, avoidant. I find this video deep + interesting. ❤ Thank you.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I’m glad you like the video. 🙏❤️
I won't fight for any relationship. I'll work with a partner to try to resolve issues, but when women say they want you to "fight" for the relationship, it means they want you to fight them and whatever issues at hand. In other words they're not pulling on the same side of the rope as you. I think it's what the younger folks call "sh*t testing" these days.
I won't play that game anymore. If someone wants us to work together to try to solve things, and its still a good relationship overall, I'll work with them. If what they need is endless drama, bye. I've got other partners and options. Does that make me avoidant? I don't know. I'll leave that to the psychologists. From my perspective I just won't tolerate bullsh*t. I don't need to.
I'm happy to say that doesn't come up much anymore because I've learned to have the right people in my life.
Not fight as in aggressively lol its a figure of speech for making the effort
@@dannywholuv Yes but words matter. Whenever I've had a woman insist I "fight" for her, it meant she wanted drama and for me to sort of beg for her not to go and resort to desperate pleas and promises to do exactly what she wanted etc. Or they wanted me to keep trying to scale the wall they put up around themselves because of some past bad marriage or relationship.
I don't play that game. I won't "fight' for a relationship because I don't have to put up with drama at this point in my life. I have options and some wonderful long term partners in my life.
I also take personal sovereignty very seriously. If they say they're seriously unhappy and want to break it up, I'm not going to try to argue them out of it. I'll miss the good times we had but I'm not desperate and I accept that I'm not right for everyone.
@@kenofken9458 seriously the word 'fight' is not to be taken literally here. In the context of the video she means work on things. Every relationship requires work, even the healthy ones.
By other partners what does that mean to you?
After hearing this it begs to ask what is left for a partner to get their needs met? Avoidant behavior sounds like a troubled person who needs a lot of healing and probably shouldn’t be in a relationship. No wonder, modern women can’t find partners. If this video is made there are enough of these immature people walking around, sad!
Because we shouldn't have to. If you want to be with us you will. If you don't you will leave. There is nothing we can do to stop you leaving.
But if the relationship was broken by your doing, and you still say you want them to stay, then fighting to fix things would do that. Having no cares whether they stay or go, but saying otherwise, only shows the person you’re not interested and it’s not worth the effort, thus, they will leave. Why would anyone want someone who’s not interested or applies no effort when needed?!
Relationships need interdependence and compromise, you guys offer none of that. The relationship is on your terms only
I agree with your comment. The OP and many avoidants just relinquish all responsibility and ownership of their faults and the failure of the relationship.
I won't date an avoidant/disorganized attacher...there is too much of a chance they have BPD/NPD.
Yaah, in the end we just give up on you & leave you alone. That's what I did.
I am kind of (most of the time) securily attached. However, in my recent long-distance relationship with this guy, I felt insecure and anxious most of the time. He seemed to love me but after a wonderful week together and having said that "I am his rock" he pulled away. He was in touch with me just once in a day by texting or by a very short phone call. Then I asked him not to do this, I felt unimportant. Then I broke up. But then I told him that I did not actually want to break up, I was a bit sad, I just wanted you to get my poing, try not to ignore my needs.. He said after all this, he did not want me anymore. I did not recognise myself, I was completely different person, could not regulate my emotions and tried to keep in touch. I asked him "Do you love me?" He said "YES" So, there is no big deal we can solve our problems, I said. He was like "I do not wanna do anything", "this is not about love. It has to end". This is not love, although he never admits that. I am the toxic one he thinks
standard
he was distant. i gave him space. he broke up over text. i didn't beg but asked him to meet when ready for closure as text for 3.5 year relationship is not appropriate. eventually, he said 3 months later doesn't want to meet or any contact. he blocked me on social media. i blocked him on whatsapp, our only form of contact.
I'm so sorry. What a coward. You deserve so much better. ❤
Breaking up over text after 3.5 years is AWFUL. Unacceptable behaviour on his part
My Nigga!!! 🤣
My bf broke up with me, said he needed space. thru text and has said never really mean to break up with me and we got back together. I asked him why if he didn't want to break up with me he did and he said that he felt I was pulling away and he didn't want to.fight for it. We've been back together for a.month now and things are going well but I'm nervous it might happen again.
Don’t get comfortable with him. Get more into YOU! Give yourself 5x as much attention as you do him. The thoughts you have of him, have of yourself. Find a way to see yourself and treat yourself in “that” way. If you’re younger, BE PICKY!!!! DO NOT GIVE CHANCES! Straight up. Grace is one thing. A chance is another! If you’re a person that really values themselves, the non-negotiables, ARE the NON-NEGOTIABLES!
He will, those are facts..
It will absolutely happen again if he refuses to go to therpay. Its easier to feel the pain of a permanent breakup than go through constant let downs when you need them most. YOU cannot heal him. That's his job.
You didn't ask for opinions, but because of the replies you got I felt like giving a more nuanced and hopefully useful reaction.
It's really good how he opened up and gave you an honest reason for his behavior! Well, I assume it's honest. It shows trust. While things are going well, you could thank him for that and tell him (with little emotion, but a really friendly tone) that you expect this kind of honesty during the next conflict. Explain how going through these moments together actually strengthens the bond. And then ask him what he needs from you in those situations.
And in case you don't do that: Draw clear boundaries in order to protect your authentic self! He can't expect you to accept another fake break-up.
If he ever shares his struggles and asks for help, that would be the moment to make him aware of avoidant attachment style. Let him know he can fix himself (with a little help)! If he doesn't ask for help it's a bit more risky to tell him; he's less likely to accept the message.
@@maxsheerin8219 he actually is in therapy. One of the reasons I'm dating him. Most men I know would never go.
Anxious, here. I see her shine but she leaves me in the dark and im afraid of the dark. She shines on me and I reflect her warmth. Maybe it’s too much, I don’t know how to turn down what is only a reflection. She runs away leaving me to fight the chilly nights alone, again. I think I am in hell.
Great way of expressing your emotions.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through.. I feel you. Please try to take time for self-care and self-love. Those are the only things that have gotten me through recently.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.
Only you can change you .
Do you understand?
That is beautiful. You have your own light you must learn to stoke. Hell is real, but so is your light. Find your light and it will lead you out of hell.
The only thing I would say is that you started off was saying avoid it behaviors and then turned it around and blame the person who was anxious or wanting to support them. I understand the 10 questions about toxicity, but I feel that it should also be discussed how The other present should feel appreciated as well. And how that looks. But I definitely understand the perspective because it's not about being immature and not knowing how to process or validate their emotions. It's about the fact that you get treated as like a friend which hurts because they don't know how to look into closeness.
Currently dealing with this with my dismissive avoidant partner . Sometimes he puts forth effort and other times he just acts plain old rigid . I've known him for 4 years and we've been in a relationship for almost 5 months.
Thank you for watching the video and for sharing a bit of your experience. Indeed, it is a big change to go from being friends to being romantic partners, particularly for someone with a Avoidant attachment. Sending you big hugs on the journey.
Where is the quiz?? I don’t see it Ty 🙏
Why my avoidant partner is avoidant ONLY in relationship with me??but not with his mom or his step-siblings?
It’s not the same kind of love, family can’t hurt him the way he (thinks) you can
You can cheat on him.. waste his time… leave him anytime he wants and he can do nothing about it
There are different loves. The love of a significant other is FAR more deep and intimate than that of parents and siblings. You seem not to understand love itself. Idk how that could happen but I guess it does. Either way I hope you don’t look at your sibling and think the same things you do as a significant other. That’s some Alabama level gross. They’re avoidant because they’re scared to fully invest because it’ll hurt
Um.. wow. Just wow. I didn’t know what the whole attachment style thing even was until I stumbled upon a video awhile back.. I’m definitely avoidant but frankly I’m not sure what my husband is.. he’s gradually changed pretty substantially in the last couple years. Traditionally, he’s always been really good at expressing his emotions, thoughts etc.. his relationship with language alone, and his ability to do so, I’ve always been somewhat jealous of cause I’ve always struggled with it. Throw in a crap ton of health problems that started a year after we got married (had the narcolepsy and Ehlers Danlos Syndrome dx prior, but after a bad cold and car wreck in 2014, I developed POTS which turned me into someone who struggles like crazy with not blindly reacting (my fight or flight is always close to the surface now which I hate with a passion. I miss the old me & im sure he does on that front too), also now in the last 4 years or so, developed chronic migraines thank you hormones, and half the time I feel like my brain is broken. He use to be supportive and now it at least feels like he views anything I say or do as “just excuses” instead of valid reasons for things.. at the same time… he’s always been super clear about what he feels he needs and I have endlessly struggled to do so.. but half the time I get paralyzed with indecision, and I’m a perfectionist who doesn’t know how to start something if I’m not sure of the best way to do it.. so I’ll research indefinitely and never do the thing. I seriously struggle with follow through, his complaints there are indeed 100% valid. I’m also just generally, a cluttery person. Which he can’t stand.. ( when he’s staying somewhere alone, he’s practically a neat freak but at home?? Nope! Leaves garbage on the counter, dishes on the table, etc.. not once in the 13 years we’ve lived here has he cleaned our bathroom, even if it literally means 1-2 days of recovery for me to do it.. it takes soo much out of me to continue working full time (I’m a nurse) and it’s physically exhausting to always push through.. but I make substantially more than he does.. another recurring theme is money we’ve never figured out how to talk about.. (I feel like my money is our money and his money is his money). But I still miss the man I married, and I accept a lot of annoyances cause that’s him.. he sure seems like he’s done accepting anything from me.. he’s also started vaping ALOT of pot in the last couple of years, which he never ever ever ever ever did before.. and I’m sure he misses how I was (tho frankly, I’ve never been not-cluttery, but it’s also extra hard to keep up with things when vacuuming requires about a 3 hour window of doing nothing to recover from.. he use to be supportive.. now? Not so much. (Never more apparent than this last week when I developed a spinal leak after a lumbar puncture and it took my mom activating my sister to make noise to get me to the hospital, I’ve never been that sick in my life and I felt… nothing from him.. the 2nd ED visit i ended up just having my sister take me cause I felt like I was burden he didn’t want to deal with (but would have out of obligation only)..
And I feel like everything I do is wrong, and am overwhelmed by the number of things he’s expressed he needs/wants me to change.. feels like now ive never actually been what he wanted after all and I’ve failed at every turn at meeting the needs he has expressed.. I own that, and I hate that.. i dont want that and in the 15-16 years since we started dating, I haven’t figured out how to change.
i definitely jump to the defensive, more so now than ever, I’m the first to apologize but he’s right in that i suck at the follow through ( I totally suck at my own follow through though too- does he have any idea how long my todo list is??? I can’t keep up w my ish, his ish, my step kids ish.. esp with all my health crap coupled with my paralyzing indecision etc)..
I usually don’t even recognize im being defensive until he makes some comment about how he was expecting or wanting me to respond instead ..
he’s pretty much stopped trying this last 6months to a year and I feel like I’m living with a stranger and have to walk on egg shells but I’m still inevitably going to say or do something wrong.. (which is a LONG term theme in my life, since I was a kid.. I also was fairly regularly told “no one cares what you have to say” by my siblings”.. my dad and sister are bipolar, and I’d bet money my husband is too..
how do people friggin afford therapy?! Years ago I wanted to go, he wouldn’t. Then once he said he would, we were in a super tight financial spot.. then he later said he wouldn’t go.. and we’ve been back in that tight financial spot for awhile now again.. I’d love to go, even if it’s just EAP 6 sessions thru my work benefits but it’s yet another impossible task I can’t seem to manage.. but I really want to do the things, I just don’t know how.. *sigh* I miss who and how he was with me, so much.. and his resentment means he sure as heck doesn’t seem to miss me.. it hurt so dang much I don’t know how to talk to him when a) the words freeze in my throat and won’t come out, and b) most of the time? I don’t even know what to say.. b) everything I say and do is bloody wrong anyway and I don’t know how to change or even where to start.. *sigh* I use to joke he ruined my plans to become the crazy cat lady.. but it’s feeling more and more like that’ll be my fate after all. It’s crazy to miss someone so much, when they are still technically there. ugh this is too too too long..
@sashamay23 I’m sorry, that sounds like so much on your plate. I can relate with hormones wreaking havoc in all areas of life and how it complicates relationships because the issues are constant and intense and so it seems to the partner that the excuses keep coming. It’s so brutal. Good for you for having your nursing career. I have failed to achieve that because I need some support to get thru school. I feel and share some of that pain.
Who is reading this book👀😐🥱?!
You sound like you have disorganized or anxious attachment style. Read “attached” by Amir Levine MD and Rachel S F Heller MA
I am sorry you are struggling with your health and relationship. I hope you are getting the medical care you need.
This video exactly describes the woman that dumped me a few months ago.
Great info briana. I’m new here but amazing stuff from you. Thank you. Tip in return for your great insight to my situation that’s helping me . I tried to click on your recommend vid on enmeshed families etc. nothing happened. As an about to be UA-camr, I understand that you can link your next video as an “end card”. Dr berg does this. Think media and many others show how and why you may want to get your team to use it. It’s great for viewers like me , that want to watch the next video you have made. Hope this helps you grow on yt. You are great and also, your information helps folks lives get better. 👌👏💕
Hi there, thank you for watching and I’m glad that you like the video! I just re-checked, and the recommended video is at the end screen. It might have been a glitch before? Otherwise, you can also catch the direct links to all the recommended videos, in the caption of the video. Or here: Childhood Trauma in a "Normal" Upbringing: Unraveling Attachment Styles in Adulthood
ua-cam.com/video/e5EQIj2JDwo/v-deo.html
I hope it’s helpful!
Thanks again. Keep on with your great work please. 👌👏
patience isn't infinite - or is it?
Which of your videos would be best to bring under the attention of your avoidant and dismissive spouse pls? Without it being threatening. Should also know that my wife already left the relationship and all efforts from my part have proofed to be futile. Thank you.
What if Im the avoiding attachment type and I find half of those points to be true about my partner but only during the arguments which happen pretty rarely?
Interesting topic. I fear I’m the avoidant one 😩.
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. 🙏 I’m glad you found the video Interesting.
Well, we tried a second time.. even i gave him space, told him im here for him if he needs help or anything, was supportive, patient understanding, he fell out of love... it lasted 4 weeks.. "when I wanted to break up again was when I felt like I didn't had any feelings that's why" he said... welp 2 days before the BU he also said his feelings are 100% still there for me..
gave it my all... nothing more i can do.. 2.5 bumpy but good years...
Wow.
I am just at the beginning of my journey. Was it worth it?
Is the quiz securely or insecurely attached to this video
It s fair to make other people be free healers to avoidants, while aboidants are egiistic and only think about their own comfort and safety. Other person also has his issues, insecurities and needs, which are completly ignored by the avoidant. I got involved with an avoidant who was hiding his avoidant attitude and faking connection just si he would not be alone and have someone care for him, holding that simeone, me, on a confirtable for him distance. Trigering my trauma and letting me suffer it on my iwn, without making a single step towards me. So yes, other people should not be healers fir them. Everyone shoukd heal oneself.
Yes this
Right on
How can someone invite an avoidant partner to put the work for the relationship if they display most of the behaviour you talked about? Do you think that if they actually loved you, they would do it or are all these factors the ones stopping her to face reality and actually want to change?
You see, seems to me, their behaviour is moved by a paradox, is there any hope for those people?
How can I create a safe space for my partner if they would remain petulant, dismissive and manipulative attitudes, being passive aggressive and always playing defensive?
Pretty sure that if I sent this video to them, they would hate me and end the relationship in a sec. What do they need to actually try to change?
Thank you for watching and for commenting. I do believe change can happen. Here’s the truth:
👉🏼 Partners with avoidant attachment withdraw when emotions get intense.
👉🏼 They struggle with deep fears that overpower their capacity to connect.
👉🏼 Emotional neglect in childhood plays a massive role here.
"DOES THAT MEAN I SHOULD WAIT FOREVER, IN CASE THEY COME AROUND?"
NO.
They can be unwilling to change, AND still love you.
DO NOT wait around for them to set the tone. That just makes it super comfy for them, and eliminates any motivation for inner child healing.
Avoidant partners - like all human beings - experience varied degrees of readiness for change.
They can be:
A. Unaware - until something painful shocks them into awareness
B. Aware - but unwilling to do anything
C. Aware - and willing to make plans
D. Aware - and taking action on the plans
Which phase leads to real changes in your relationship?
You guessed it: phase “D”.
(You can offer some grace in phase C, but if they make plans only to sabotage them - they're ACTUALLY stuck in phase B.)
So what SHOULD you do?
Focus on YOUR growth.
Because if you sit around waiting for someone else to change, guess what that means?
YOU aren’t really ready for change either.
In the meantime you might like this video: on healing avoidant attachment: ua-cam.com/video/UwXAhWPzaBc/v-deo.htmlsi=1j1fRvIBkx9vtbJM
@@brianamacwilliam.attachmentmy avoidant is aware but unwilling to change.. what to do in such a situation? she knows she needs professional help and even her friends said she needs some healing to do. but she is egotistic and very stubborn
@@surgeonvicryl4872Healing can only happen if the hurt is unbearable or you are „ready“ to. My first time of „the hurt is unbearable“ I had to withdraw from the healing process in order to finish my degree. I knew back then that if I started now with the wounds I had from childhood trauma I wouldn’t be able to exit university orderly. The next time (about 5 years later) life forced me into the healing process and it took me three years to work through the tough stuff. It completely made me work over my whole life and behavior. It was great but also horrible and I believe I couldn’t have done it in a stressful job or a job where I would have had huge responsibility or if I had kids. My sister had this experiance too. She walked the Jacob’s Way in Spain and left her job. She is coming back into her power now and owning her life but we both took the luxury of time. Not everybody has the opportunity to do this. And the process is exhausting, hurtful and hard to go. So, please, do not judge too harshly. It is great to come out at the end and feel peace. But I feel respect for everybody who is not - yet, hopefully - ready for it. Because I know how it is to stand there, looking into the abyss of fear and not being brave enough. Today, knowing what I know now, I wish I had done it earlier but back then it wasn’t the right time for me. So, maybe it isn’t the right time for your friend yet and the only thing you can do is to offer help when she decides to take the step toward healing.
@@c.f.4564
I recognize myself
My ex partner (of 6 years) and I recently had a bad fight that resulted in her begging me not to leave her (although I had no intentions to)… then two days later she broke up with me and it was as if a switch went off in her and she completely changed from her loving and empathetic self to exactly what you’re describing in this video. I’m afraid that she felt like she was losing me and instead decided to leave before she could be abandoned again (her mom abandoned her a few years ago). She has been refusing to even tell me why she broke up with me so that I can try and fix them and she is now telling everyone that she lost feelings for me months ago but I know the love we shared was real until the end.
She finally agreed to talk to me tomorrow (2 weeks since the breakup) but she keeps reiterating that she doesn’t want me to try and convince her to stay and she will likely shut down if I try. I’m really not sure how to approach the conversation with her… How I can reassure her that I would never abandon her and that I was literally planning to propose to her this summer without her feeling like I’m trying to manipulate her into staying?
Thank you for watching in for sharing a bit of your experience. It sounds like a difficult time and also like a turning point in your relationship. Reassuring someone that you will never abandon them, is taking control of things that you have no control over. You can’t predict the future. What you can do is express your level of commitment right now, and what you want for the future, and what you’re willing to do to make that future happen. In essence, you want to validate her feelings, take accountability, for what is your responsibility without being defensive, and state what you want without trying to convince her of anything. You can mention that your plan was to propose, as an illustration of how deep your commitment to the relationship actually is. But a lot of this is going to come down to how you hold your energy, how desperate you come across, and how in command of yourself, you appear, while being emotionally, honest and accessible, regardless of the way she presents herself. They is likely to be no moving forward until the original conflict and wound stimulated by this argument is addressed, and she’s probably gonna be defended against you trying to address it because if the switch is flipped off, some part of her has already decided the relationship is not safe and therefore not viable anymore. She’s trying to regain control where she felt helpless and desperate and probably disgusted with herself because of it. I suggest abandoning all need to be the one in control, don’t try to strategize based on her responses, just be yourself, be honest, lay it on the table, explain why the relationship is important to you, and why she is important to you, and then respect her decision either way. She may not respond immediately, but sometimes it plants a seed. You gotta give it time to grow. Good luck.
@@brianamacwilliam.attachment thank you so much for this insight! Could you explain a bit more about the energy I should cary in the conversation?
How can she be safe with you when you choose to stay in an unhealthy situation?
The bottom line is that the avoidant person just isn't into you. That's it. If they really wanted you, they would act like it. If you're with a detached person who always has to "protect" themselves from you for reasons that don't even have to do with you, just leave. They're so not worth it. And you will never out-love their baggage.
Yep, but it takes years to figure this out
The bottom line is society needs to be re-educated on how to love their own children. Our great-grandparents could get it right, so what have we lost since then and now...
@@muma6559 so true
@@ashton1952 parents don't know how to parent
@@soundaryashamala3615 Sounds about right. Very difficult. And they've had a very neglectful upbringing, so the repeat cycle continues.
I am avoidant but as soon as I see a few red flags, which for me is justified. A partner is for the good and the bad and if I start having health issues as he’s never there for me, I had enough. No second chances. I go first. Next!
An ex of mine is or was an avoidant partner. And I was an anxious partner now I am a disorganized anxious partner.
My ex-girlfriend was the avoidant partner and I am the anxious one. She ended our relationship a few months ago.
Avoidants make you an anxious partner.
Question...can a avoidant have a healthy relationship?
Not until they do the necessary work on themselves. I know PLENTY of Avoidants and their relationships are a total sh!t show. Some of them are in their 50’s!😑
If they are doing work on themselves to be more secure and less avoidant then surely the answer is no, avoidants can't have healthy relationships
I speak as someone at the end of a relationship with an avoident woman. In particular, I sense that there is a lot of emotional suppression. To be more specific: she was closed at first, then she opened up, and now closed to a certain degree again. That is, certain things kind of disappeared, other new wonderful things came about. Still this leaves me quite confused. Watching the last segment in this video about the signs for when to let go, none of the questions apply. I wish I could communicate with her about this properly. I'm a bit scared to do so because of the fact to chase her away or make it harder for her so I'm searching for a good way to do that. There was a form of togetherness that was there with both respecting our authenticity and independence. Something else in this video caught my attention aswell: their fantasy of the perfect relationship and the fear of something breaking that fantasy. A lot of things to consider here. There's also a third element: a friend who she has no feelings towards who is also supportive so I guess she feels safer knowing that she doesn't need to battle her feelings there too. She does keep him at a distance tho. I do wish to figure this out but I don't know quite how yet because the "we need to have a little talk" will probbably have the opposite effect. She does recognize that she has trouble talking about herself and her feelings. I was always very clear that I respect and understand that and that there's a safe space here. It worked. It actually worked very well but why she suddenly draws back, is a bit of a mystery to me now.
Mate, I’m in the same boat. My person left with no warning. I had a lot of these same questions. However, the reality is that the more you tack your brain, the less it makes sense. The sad thing about these individuals is that they are so scared and in need of such emotional support/recovery that they can’t be what you need them to be. It’s better to take the hard step and go no contact to heal. It will change your life and help you recover. Hope it gets better.
@@grahamrenfro1984 well she is still around. Just as communicative as ever but there is a distance. I also don't want her to be anything honestly. I told her that numerous times. She is fine/perfect the way she is. No need to change, or adapt. I even told her I understand her fears and that she has all the room and time she needs. It helped. It helped a lot. Still, this happens.
@@andymcroon really happy for you mate. I really wish you the best. You seem like a good guy.
My ex-partner is avoidant, sounds pretty much like him (and he also wanted to end our relationship as first)
Thank you for watching the video and for sharing your experience. I’m glad it resonates. 🙏❤️