Antidote to narcissism: Be happy Do the things you enjoy the most Ignore them big time Let them be stupid sick and manipulative knowing that you do not have to engage with them at all.
And if there's someone in your life who browbeats you and tries to tell you that you should accept bad treatment and just let people walk all over you- yeah, you can probably just go ahead and get rid of that person, too.
Every time he "forgot" to pay my support, which I earned trust me, I would call him. He hated it. So now he pays on an auto pay. Never have to bother with him.
Yes, ask for anything, money, favours, gifts. They have nothing to give, they just want to take. Tell them you outgrew them and they don’t look good enough for you, sledge hammer to theirs big fat fake ego.
You can't be like that cos that's not you and will weaken your only source of strength, which is the moral high ground, you take that bait by asking for money and you be morally and financially indebted to them. There is a whole different paradigm here, Basically, victims and narcs both come together because they are magnetically connected, by being polar opposites,
After 28 ears of marriage to who I now recognize as a "full blown narcissist" I finally broke free and now in fourth month of no contact. I have taken charge of my finances, gotten a job (yes, at 68 years old) and reconnected with family and friends. I have moved on and his "smear campaign" is now of no matter to me. I have become a "student of narcissism" and in doing so learned a lot about myself. Thank you young man for your videos...you are wise beyond your years.
Charlotte Herring I am proud of course you. Outstanding job. You are an example of fortitude and bravery. There are many who are to afraid to do what they know needs to be done. Be Blessed.
Congratulations!! I am in the exit process, 39 years old, 3 young kids. My narc husband doesn't deserve the next 20 years of my life. Playing dumb while quietly working out my legal rights.
Be prepared but don't care. I love it when he and his narc lawyer tried to destroy me in court and my lawyer and I were just laughing. They looked like fools before the judge and he saw right through them. The mediator too. He was to be neutral. But after the intro letters we sent, he had it figured out. We were laughing and having so much fun that day. I'm sure they could hear us in the room next door. I had him over the ropes . I win and he lost. He caved and didn't want to be there anymore. It felt so free to be out from under his guilt trips and manipulation. He has tried to reconcile but I refuse to engage his contact. I have my accountant as the contact. And he is too embarrassed to contact me now.
@@Dachdogoriginal you're lucky! I bet you were on top of the world. I know I would have been! To have that validation from a judge to end the narcs game- check. Mate! I've seen courts and children used as weapons by narcs. Judges dont always understand especially in family court, if the narc is a woman w children. I'm so happy you were able to move on and in such a public way! 🤣💕
Agreed. I learned that when I truly had the best self worth and confidence, I developed the strongest boundaries and respect for myself. When I meet Narcissists now, I know in the first interaction. If they try to 'test' me, they are in for a surprise. They are discarded immediately. On the flip side, because I have strong boundaries and respect now, Narcissists who recognize that, fear me and runaway. So either, I teach them a lesson or they leave me be willfully.
Yes. I said no many times over the years, and caved in after so many (we had a past history that goes back to childhood), then gave a relationship another try after 25 years and it was a nightmare and I was incredibly weak, self-sacrificing, compromising, all things I was NOT when I was younger. She even wouldn't "let" me do at type of smile I'd do because she didn't like how it made her feel (it was obviously very appropriate for some of her BS).
I have children with my ex, so I see him 3 to 4 times a year. #1 my mindset is: The door is ALWAYS closed to him. He can have none of me. ZERO. When I'm around him I'm studying him as if I'm watching a movie. The movie isn't good or bad its just a movie. Sometimes I play along with the "actor" even when I know he knows I am playing along. I calmly look him right in the eyes and I'm neutral no matter what kind of crap he's throwing. He's just not that important anymore. I know he knows, that I know, he knows, I know. It tickles me. He has no power. I GOT THE POWER!
My mom went through this when I was a teen. Never got one cent, just lost. It was not worth it, all that time and effort and emotional trauma for nothing. Once she got the judge to play hardball, he left the country and got a job overseas. It just took her life away for 4 years while she pursued him. Not only did he get away with not paying child support, but he never paid her one cent in spousal support (alimony). She was pursuing about 120k and spent 45k on attorneys. There was one difference though, it was the mid 80s and their weren't such strong child support laws. One of the tricks my dad used was to take early retirement from his federal (high paying job) (He was only 50) which is judegement proof income. Because the law was after him, he went no contact with the whole family untill I was 28. By then she was back on her feet and all 3 of us kids were independant. I'm the one who convinced my mom through evidence that it simply was not worth the fight. How much better off we all would have been had she just walked away. He was very abusive in the home but flew under the radar at work and was very cucessful. My biggest trauma was nightmares that I still have today about being under the control of an evil person who wants to kill me or one of my loved ones, but I have no voiced or nobody will believe me. If my mom had simply walked away the first time he raped my big sister and shortly after got caught in an affair all of our lives would have been better. She stayed because he was a good provider, up until the day she filed for divorce. Watching my mom so upset from the age of 8 till adulthood just heaped more trauma on my shoulders and I spent most of my adulthood depressed and in and out of therapy. I'm 55 now, and I'm only 1 1/2 years into my recovery. It's not always worth it. Better for some people to let it go.
It's fun and fitting to watch them as though they are movie characters. I mean, they are always acting after all. They have no genuine "self" so they are always putting on a show with one of the many characters they've created for specific situations. The smart ones might know when we're doing this and it will drive them nuts; but they can't do anything about it in a public situation. My brother has caught me "watching" him that way and he'll give me the evil eye. I don't think I would do that if I was alone with him because he has a terrible temper and he has physically hurt me before. But, I don't intend to ever be alone with him again anyway. Once you figure out how to handle them, it's kind of entertaining.
I have discarded many narcissists from a small red flag. One guy boast how busy he was. Another said he wasn't interested in dating me, but admitted on contacting me to fish for a compliment. There were others among that who make me feel, or least try to make me feel less than. But now, I tell them they are no longer allowed to speak to me again in this lifetime. It feels good to keep clear boundaries.
I literally got to the point where she was starting so many arguments, that I simply told her, "I refuse to argue with you". When she would jealousy bait/triangulate, I didn't react. When she stormed off and gave me the silent treatment, I didn't chase her. I simply didn't allow her to gain any more supply from me. She would tell me, "you're meant to get angry" (at the jealous baiting), "you're meant to come after me" (when she stormed off). I denied her all her narcissistic expectations. Once she realised that I wasn't playing her games anymore, she left.
I.e. You're suppose to do and act as I want you to. You are here to entertain me. You are in my life for me and nothing else. Do as I say, not as I do.
It reminds me of a friend whose wife said it was time to divorce who later screamed at him, "Why didn't you FIGHT for me?!" right near the end of the divorce proceedings. He replied, "I didn't just go through all this just to change my mind" They had a good co-parenting arrangement when their daughters were finishing High School. Lesson learned for him? You can't stick with people who bring out the worst in you. (He turned into a nice guy/doormat for a while. on the other hand, you don't want to turn into an asshole/bitch-- if you're a female reader... because as our presenter says and many others including ourselves-- you don't want to take the bait and give them the reaction they're dying for either!)
They seem to know when the jig is up. I stopped responding to his emotional manipulations then I started distancing myself...he gave me the silent treatment..i went no contact! It worked..he's gone.
I agree asking for money is a great way to get ride of them or letting them pay if you get an opportunity and don’t rush to pay back let them have to ask a couple of times and they will flee, good!
@Diva R wow I'm going through this now I blocked him and he's still texting and calling the block number. He stop a few days now but I know he's not gone. I hope he leaves me alone this time for good. I blocked him before and he came to my job threatening to stab my tire. So I unblock him. He's blocked now but I'm worried.
@@givegodthanks if he threat you, ask him if he loves you. If he says 'yes', then ask him 'if it is love, why do you want to stab my tire? That's an unloving thing to do, and I only want to be with someone who loves me. If you really love me, show me what love is.' Then maybe he'll go away, because you are hard to please.
A bit of advice from me is don’t let a narcissist give you ANYTHING. Even something small, like they pick up 2 for 1 on pineapples and give you one of them, don’t accept it. Because everything they do is an effort to trap you however small. Just weaken your ties with them in every possible way.
Fuck that. TAKE THEM FOR EVERYTHING YOU CAN GET. Call it retribution for all the people who have been victimised. If you want to be altruistic SHARE THE SPOILES WITH THIER OTHER VICTIMS 😈
I did this in my relationship with a Narcissist, as soon as I started to let him fix his own problems, reminding him of what he said he was going to do, not converting religions because he wanted me to, not agreeing to change my name if we got marries, not quitting school to cater to his needs, not sacrificing time with my kid so we could ‘be alone’. I didn’t know what kind of relationship this truly was at the time, but when I stopped catering to him, and responding to his crisis by reminding him of how his actions got him to where he was in those given situations, he started cheating on me to find this control another way over me, and over people. He just left me for another woman and I simply picked up my stuff and left. He said he still wanted to be friends, but I refused and told him to never contact me again. BEST DAY EVER.
Finally! Someone else that is talking about fighting back against the narc. It's not always what you think. Once you change your behavior you change their behavior. No contact is great...but only when you can reach that point. It's almost an intuitive thing with me. Only thing different is you said they don't want to engage you because you're dangerous. Excellent! That is exactly what I became to a couple of these people. I am dangerous to them, because I threaten to expose their lies...if even only to themselves.
Lie to them just like they lied to you. Let them down just like they've let you down. Give them hope just like they gave you hope and pull back just like they did. In short, mirror the narc so he/she gets a taste of his/her own medicine. At the end, they will mirror you and run for their life just like you did :D . Trust me, works like a charm !
You can't out-narc a narc. They are 25 steps ahead of you; just when you think you are 'getting them back,' they have already destroyed your friendships, family relationships, work relationships and have probably already filed court papers on you for some made up bullcrap, without you even knowing it. Best to walk away, let them be, enjoy your newfound freedom and let them self-destruct / vampire their next victim. They are no longer your problem, and you will be much happier extricating them from your life and your mind.
I think its important to note that everyone will exhibit some narcissistic tendencies to some degree if we are completely honest. We are human...it arises in all of us at times, however....the person who sees narcissistic qualities in themselves and works to eliminate those is not a true narcissist. The person who cares not to reflect on their flaws or seek change is a true narcissist.
Look at the democrats. Liars, all! Accusing the rest of us about things they are activly doing....with video! But nooo! "Thats not us....we didnt do that....its fake news" ad nausiam.
Reverse psychology works wonders especially when your getting any form of threats. The cowards back away. Like the old saying goes "when you are weak act strong and when you are strong act weak".
My break up with narc was obviously going to be bad because I was dealing with a narc of course. He threatened to harm me and my family and pay me a visit. So I told him bring it on. I dare you. I just need you to make the first move because it will become the ideal circumstances and a brilliant reason to expose you. It worked lol. I get the occassional hoover. 6 weeks and 5 days no contact and I feel so much happier and definitely wont and dont consider wanting that idiot back. Everyone should try it. Its not the same as mirroring the narc its you standing up for yourself which is exactly what we all need to do. We shouldnt fear losing those who hurt us devalue us and disrespect us in the most horrific ways. If a narc says hes going to do something speak to him in such a way that challenges him and tell him the consequences of what you will do if he does want to follow through with it. Watch the narc back away.
I hadn't yet identified the narcissists, or the narcissist issues enveloping me, when I got another call from my husband's sister. She proceeded to call me names again, for no reason. I said,"What do you think you're doing? Whatever it is, I don't like it." Well she backed right off, tried to explain; turns out she was just a MARSHMALLOW! Haha, get it-calling HER a name for a change. . .I could only wonder WHY in the WORLD I put up with it...for YEARS! She was gonna do it FOREVER! For the rest of our lives! Now I don't even have to avoid her like the plague; she doesn't bother me!
It should just be an immediate thing the second someone mistreats you or you find out they smear you behind your back. That's just the most basic of basics about relationships. The real challenge is finding out how to not attract them in the first place, because they just mask their personality and you just wasted X amount of weeks of your life
Yup! You beat them to the punch! POW! My POW is the word NO. No closeness. No attachment. No engaging. Your talk is brilliant in simplicity. You always surprise me like a fresh breeze when I turn the corner. You’re genuine and sincere. 111 days no contact today.
We MUST go for Justice. It is our duty if we've been involved with these predators. Otherwise they continue walking free and we have a society full of predators. Keep pursuing Justice until you feel it has been served.
me too agree! but even in reality we’re victim difficult to get help, some police or even lawyer and judge don’t really help.. emotional abuse is difficult to ask help
Exposure I think is the keyword. The ex N finally stopped calling me when I told him I had a recording app on my phone. He also stopped sending threatening texts when I told him I was going to post them on social media.
Awesome advice!! Its probably because all they care about is image. A narc I was friends with before she accused me of stealing from her which was a made up lie had blocked me on fb before I even knew the discard happened because I called the police and she left me alone only she would never give me a chance to smear her name! Always be one step ahead but at that time I thought she was just a messed up chick
Narc brother finally left me alone when I threatened him with a restraining order. I told him that his last threatening phone call had been on speaker and that my best friend had heard the entire thing; that if he bothered me ever again, she had agreed to go to court with me and give evidence. He hasn't bothered me since. But, I did notice that, at some point, he had found a way to delete most of his text messages to me from my phone. I didn't think that was possible, but apparently it is if you're willing to pay for an app. I just grinned because I knew that he did it because he was afraid of me revealing him as the sick fuck that he is.
What was interesting is after I informed the ex N I had recording devices and would post threatening texts on social media, a few days later he informed me had made a post directed towards me on his social media page but added, "Don't worry I didn't call you out by name so I wouldn't ruin your pretty little reputation." Ummm projection much?? He was trying to get me not to do the same. These people are truly a special kind of mind f*ck.
I'm still always surprised how it all starts from their point c or d, of hostility & vindictiveness. Doesn't even have to work up to it, from point a; it's because they always thought of you as a target from the beginning. Hard to ever get in a preemptive strike, but can cut 'em off short.
Showing a narcissist strength has been the number one tactic to keeping toxic people away me. I highly value myself as like precious gold, so that I only pick people are deserving of my affection. Love your video and advice.
I told my gossiping narcissist SIL that i don't gossip or say anything bad about her, so if she smears me, she looks bad. I found out that it worked, because she tried to gossip about me with a mutual acquaintance that i purposefully always talked about the narc positively to when asked what i think of narc SIL. The mutual acquaintance came to me and told me she met with her and that she started the, "oh she hates me, i tried with her, she's very toxic, watch out" garbage and the acquaintance said, "really? That's weird because she has said nothing poorly about you and i like her." My narc SIL spent the next few min of their convo backpedaling. Meanwhile, i, being met with this info from mutual friend just said, "oh wow... bummer. I never realized she felt that way." VINDICATION AT LAST!! People have started to see her for who she is as she exposes herself. You can play the game without hurting your character or morals.
The first minute and a half of this video is FUNNY! 😂 Scott, you are hilariously and refreshingly self aware. I’m a long time follower of 8 years and rewatch your videos from time to time. I hope you return with a new one sooner than later. Take care. ✌🏾
Nice video. It's very true. I have often found that unhealthy people will either avoid emotionally healthy people or if they do get entangled somehow, the healthy person will be able to disentangle from them without feeling guilty and the narc will just go. I used to feel guilty when removing people from my life when I was younger but I knew I was worthy of better relationships so I did it anyway. Then I realized that they won't put up a fight usually. They just move on. I was happily amazed. As the bible says, "Don't cast your pearls before the swine." That fits with your last point in the video which was the best part. Don't give yourself away to someone who will not appreciate what beauty you have to offer.
How sadly enlightening it was for me when a couple times in my life, I broke up with men who "loved me so much" that they wanted to marry me, but then basically shrugged and said, "Huh, cool," when I broke up with them. Little did I know they had already 'moved on' long before I finally got up the nerve, after MONTHS of being afraid to hurt them (*self eyeroll*), and had their back burner girlfriends already moved to the front burner.
I like your humility.it certainly humbled us when we deal with a narcissist..when we realize we were brought up to be scapegoats until we wake up to their deceptions and realize we have trusted them with their words..if they don't go then you should go..your peace is worth it BOSTON 🍀
Trying to foresee what narcs are up to and prevent them from hurting you kept my mind very busy, but only worked sometimes. I decided to stop bc I was still giving them my attention and attention is basically all they want, in whatever form they can get it. I found narcs all have the same playbook...they use your good character against you. They use the same tactics too. Once you understand that it is predator vs prey...you run, they will chase. I stopped running and said "Give it your best" bc I am done living like this and turns out their bark is all they got...so far they are just confused. I still protect myself, but go on alert only if I have too. These are dangerous people with zero empathy, but I will no longer live in fear! I say NO alot to them putting their problems on me. I just ask them what they are going to do about it...I have no solution for them. And thanks Scott for helping me get this far, your videos have helped me so much!
I agree. Once I was no longer afraid, once I no longer cared whether we were together or not, once I grew up and took the reins, he just backed away...slowly.
They work with shame an thereby help us love ourselves more. They truly believe they are helping you become stronger and. Better person. Who knows maybe that's their purpose. By once u cannot be shamed anymore because you truly log yourself you basically healed and do no longer need them so they fall out of your life. They feed off our insecurity and need for approval. Once we no longer chose to depend on them for approval an chose to give if ourselves and be our own best friend we are free and are no longer controllable and therefore uninteresting. They can play victim all they want. Once we can truly grasp we are our own person with our own persona, preferences and dislikes we are strong and emancipated. Thanks narc for helping me ! :)
Thats something I just really understood today. As a matter of fact all they want is attention.In any form and guise and they will do literally anything to just keep you moderately interested, be it through frustration, anger or looking for approval. They are like sirens in the sea and yes, all they really can do is bluffing and confronting you with the most audacious lies. This complete lack of integrity, morality and subservience to any higher principle or ideal is one of the things that infuriated me more than I imagined to be possible.
Sebastian Helm ...sometimes learning what, not who, we are dealing with is the hardest. It was like seeing true evil for the 1st time...then finding narcs scattered throughout my life made it worse! You are right, they are like sirens in the sea. But what I didn't know I didn't know was I had the power...they are nothing without us. They are empty shells of people that can not live without others, but project onto us that we cannot live without them...which is simply not true. They are weak and pitiful once you see through the facade. Peace to you...
Tips for Chicks on Bikes ....Yes, I agree shame is one of the biggest plays in their playbook. Also, guilt was used so often against me. I had to quit being so "nice" because somehow that made me responsible for the narcs and their problems. Then dealing with all the drama associated with the "problem of the day".....blah, blah, blah...it just never ends until you say NO MORE! Figure it out youself narc as it is not my problem! Peace to you Tips..
You've just confirmed it: I Won. She totally steers clear of me and wants to have nothing to do with me. After the last hoover resulted in total rejection, she's not about to try again. She only anticipates more rejection, which would only make her feel worse and somehow "less than" me. Never! lol No doubt her delusional mind has invented a story that she somehow rejected me and so she's just not interested in interacting with me. They r nuts!
My ex lives close to me and I see that she no longer tries to contact me as she had for a couple years after. I just calmly said "no thanks" to any offer to see her even if just to talk. When I saw her in public I would walk in another direction. Even when she had made eye contact and smiled. She realized she was shut down and even mimics my behavior now as if it's her own idea. That works great for maintaining no contact. Don't feed into it and don't enable it and as you found they avoid you.
You can literally watch her delusional mind at work as she mimics your ignoring behavior. She has to convince herself that she was the one who decided on the No Contact so that she can avoid feelings of rejection and pretend that she's in control. Mine did the exact same thing. Only a narcissist would behave like this. Just more confirmation that we are right to Stay Away.
Amen!!! Once I caught on to my Narcissist friends bullshit. She does not contact me as much. She see's it as punishment but I reality I'm living my best life and have zero cares. I unfortunately will be going to her son's graduation party ''it's not the kids fault'' But I will politely excuse myself if she get's out of line. She will not get a reaction out of me.
Your real enemy is not listening to your emotions. Emotions tell you about spiritual damage and lackings that need to be addressed. It seems narcs rely on us denying our emotions. What else is going to tell us most precisely what is right for us? Don't narcs only take advantage of where we are unaware, the recesses where we dare not go and bring in the light?
I've lived this with my mother. I have finally gotten her to a point that she's scared of me and doesn't want much to do with me, because i'm vocal about what she is, and i call the cops on her when she goes into a narcissistic rage and winds up physically attacking someone. She's convinced herself that i know all the cops and have turned them against her, which is not the case. She did it to herself. She says i've studied her and fight against her psychologically and she is right. I also gray rock her a lot, when i'm forced to talk to her. I highly recommend that as well. I'm moving in a couple months across country and plan to go no contact. I think no contact is the best way to win in these types of circumstances.
I grey rocked my mother when I went to do last months maintenance on her house. I promised my father before he died, I would do it so she won't have to spend a lot of money. I also built a beautiful garden for food for the 3 of us women during this high inflation. Many months her verbal abuse got worse. She would make an amends, take accountability but she won't change her behavior. That's key to making an amends. It's a hook. I grey rocked heavily on this trip. I confronted her behaviors and she countered them each time. On one confrontation, I felt the with holding of love and got a connection of why I feel terrified around her. It was like that when I was a baby. She would leave me to cry in my crib until I passed out. I connected to that rejection and abandonment. It's her fears I internalyze because it's real. Told her she will never be the nurturing and supportive mother I need her to be. And, I put her in the tower with my youngest narc daughter. 0 contact, 0 engagement= peace
you are real. you tell it like it is in a reality based down to earth practical way. when i was finally finished with a narcissist i had a heightened awareness. i put that banner up with other narcissists i met afterwards. and youre right they fled away. leave their presence and or let them know youre not falling for it with an attitude of indifference.
"heightened awareness" .. exactly, I recently called it hyper-awareness.. that state I was in for weeks after my eyes were opened. I'm not "that" aware these days, are you?
Late 40s and just put it together that I am a threat to my family.They do everything to alienate me even with all my good qualities. And you just nailed it here. I am everything they are not.
Narcissists are indifferent and that's probably the worst part because no matter what you do, they will tune you out. It benefits them and they don't allow anyone to ruin their day, not even their kids. You can't win, best to run from them because they are like poison. They are what they are, and that's it. Run!
This is what I’ve been practicing and it does work. Passive resistance is the perfect way to describe it, but it can be tough not to slip, especially when you’re an emotional person and get upset after dealing with loads of BS. In my case, my mom’s dad is a narcissist and she fell into the trap of marrying another narcissist, my dad. As you can imagine, I repeated the cycle by dating narcissists because they feel familiar and I was trying to resolve my own daddy issues through “fixing” them. But I learned you can’t win and it’s pretty much my goal in life not to marry/have kids with a narc. Thank you for your vids. Speaking out about it gives me strength and resolve not to mess with them anymore.
You're spot on about seeing yourself as the prize. This happened to me at work recently. My title was changed without any consultation. Rather than reacting, I calmly asked to talk about it. I asked a a few questions about the new role, and said I needed to sleep on it to make sure the job was still a good fit for me. The next day I received a text saying there was no longer any work for me. Since then, a few people from the company have reached out saying it was weird that I wasn't there. They also have said I was doing a great job and they hope to work with me again. The truth is the manipulators were so busy manipulating people that they were not very productive. Anyone with eyes could see my value. I think valuing myself enough to seek clarity about the position threatened them. They couldn't have me around anymore. Now I have a sense of peace and several new job offers.
I can relate my husband did this to me too.. it’s all about them Sirley Ray has nothing to do with you. He makes you the enemy so he can go do whatever. It’s an excuse to abuse & mistreat you further-They are very selfish if he is a Covert Narc it’s all about them. They don’t appreciate anything you’ve done for them in the marriage either. I tell myself he is sick not a real Man a boy. Real Men don’t treat their wives this way. A Man should build you up not put you down if he loves you. I’m ignoring mine completely put do not disturb on my voicemail now due to hovering - insanity!
My Covert Narc said “Now he knows I do not have a heart for him...that this is just how dark my heart has become... that I was going to annihilate him... and that now he knew for sure I was going to try to murder him and collect the insurance money. All this was said in texts to me after I set boundaries and that I needed something in writing regarding money I had spent on a home his parents had helped us buy. I had dropped MORE on renovations than the down payment so they all stabbed me in the back. My Narc filed a false police report/Restraining order/kick out order after I took him off my Trust... He was denied ... but the PROJECTION of what he said in the TEXTS tells me I got out not one minute too early- it was my boundaries and wants and needs that made the Malignant Narc mother/Covert Dad & son show their TRUE COLORS
@@theresemeggitt8455 yeap my narc said if you are not my friend, you are my enemy and I destroy my enemies before they destroy me. I asked, why would I want to destroy you, I just want you to leave me alone. Lol
I'm listening to a man who really knows from personal experience. I have 100% admiration and respect for you. I am so grateful for your fresh approach. I'm the mom of an only son. For 20+ years I've watched his partner abuse him and their 3 children. I can't complain, advise, do anything. She veto and blocks every attempt I make to stabilize, celebrate, bring together, interact, and promote a loving atmosphere. She's insists on the house be nothing more than segregated, depressive, silent, funeral attendant zombies. There is my 40 year old son, and 3 grandsons 16, 12, 3 living in her morbid dessert, without life rafts. My heart and spirit may be broken but it pale's in comparison to what she's doing to those kids. My son stays for the kids sake. God. Bless you.
Such an extremely painful experience so much of my precious time and life gone. I'm working on healing and trying to be me again and build my self esteem back. It was such a pure evil I never knew ppl could lie, cheat and be so hypocritical so much it baffled me.
Danielle Mccarter hang in there clear your head take care of yourself set boundaries for yourself work on a few goals of time get up meet new people the next person you meet will be way better and you'll be able to I have the healthy relationship you have to set boundaries I hope you all the best Danielle
every word you spoke was true this only seems unlikely to a person who has never experienced it. i never knew it could kill your self worth I thought I was going crazy. thank you
Scott this was another enlightening topic. Thank you! Lately, I have been protecting myself from my narcissists with the word 'Self-Preservation'. Without Self-Preservation, I self-destructive. So anytime they start to blast me with negative thoughts or ideas, I repeat the mantra self-preservation...self-preservation... self-preservation, out loud or in my mind over and over again. By doing this, I noticed it soothes me, help me to focus on my goals, deflecting their negativity.
Hey, I hope you're still around. I learned a lot from you. Your explanation of narcissism resonates with the way I think and express myself. I pray all is well.
I think it's important to shift from fear of encountering a narcissist to the realization we are high value beings and empowerment of being sure to have everything what it takes to shoot them down when it happens. What we think (especially layered with fear) we attract.
i want to first say thank you your video has really helped me and my kids i have been with their father for 34 yrs and i knew something was not right and that i have to get away i reached out for help and i decided i need to walk away seeing your videos im ready i have 8 kids with this man and they are grown and they do not have a relationship with their dad everything you say you are on point i feel like someone finally understands me thank you so much god bless.
Thank you for using the phrase, "an immovable object, as those are the words I use to describe myself. I'm very quiet but cannot/will not be moved by their bait whatever form it is thrown at me in.
Thank you Scott for your videos. You are a beautiful person with a kind heart. I feel more empowered by your advice. Watching your videos regarding Narcasists makes me feel like I have a friend that understands what I have been through since you have lived with Narc abuse and survived. Thank you for sharing. I live in the phila suburb area. Dawn
Spot on!!! I've come through PTSD I'm on the way other side and this is quality advise! Dismissing these folks is the best advise and choice you have to have a happy joyful existence. Namaste
Exposure was key for me. Once I wrote the letter exposing them it altered what the narc could and couldn't do to me. I set what he had done in stone. Anytime they pull their cards out, I transform it into poetry and share it with the public.😀😉
The whole video is worth every second of your time to watch!! But about 1:40 is the light bulb moment over my head ! Why didn't I think of that ... You become more costly for them.... I have had Narcs eat up my money, my self esteem, my relationships with family and friends, my time ( all the garbage that they spewed out and wanted me to listen to!) and finally here it is 6 words made me laugh out loud with joy and understanding. I've always been a people pleaser and I found myself to be the last one in so many of my relationships. I am still me, but now after over 50 years I no longer have to give more than I am capably able to give. Because with narcissists there is never enough that you can give to them.
Yes, I have noticed that they don't even approach me as much since I've changed my viewpoint on dealing with abusive types. I'm also able to identify them more easily, which helps a lot too.
Thank you Scott, great video. Yes, when the narcissist discards you (normally after subjecting you to a narcissistic rage attack), you know you have 'won'.
We have two narcs at work. The best way to deal with them? 1. As they approach you, say in a booming voice,(and always emotionlessly)"No! Beat it! I'm with people." 2. Before they speak, say "Wrong!" and chuckle as you walk away. 3. No matter what they say, respond with, "Everyone can see how angry you are." 4. I have also salted the workplace with printed info "Dealing with the Narciccist in the Workplace" to educate fellow employees. 5. Always be too busy to focus on them or what they want. "Get out of the way, sweathog! Real people are working here." Keep moving, always either ignoring them or walking away. Become a lion that eats other predators and they will avoid you. But you must be an exemplary employee that is indispensable. Sometimes the narc is protected by higher-ups who they are manipulating, even as they take the company into ruin and pit employees against each other. Always have an exit strategy.
Wow! This one video is worth the price of your course which I plan on taking (with my new job, now that I have recovered somewhat). Love how you feel your way to the truth. The unmistakable ring of Truth. Note the contrast to the Narcs' all-knowing attitude. For a person twice your age, you've told me some wisdom. Wish I could give you a sisterly hug! Thanks & keep on.
I really like your videos and approach. You are not glib, like most of these YT channels on narcissists are. I love your thoughtfulness. your expressiveness when you are pulling a really important nugget of truth from your deep wise mind, to use a DBT term. You are so right. My psycho narc I knew in a job type situation. We were in this organization together for about 5 years. He targetted me (I'm am empath) and I soon fell in love with him. I sensed he was a psychopath/narc early on, but romanticized it. I told myself he couldn't help it because he was born that way. We never became romantically involved outside this organization but flirted, etc. He is a compulsive liar. I am very perceptive and over the years he revealed bits and pieces about something really bad I suspect he did. Some of what he said only made sense in terms of forensic methodology - which means asking the WHY of what someone said - not even whether it's true or not. A lie can be just as revealing as a true statement when you analyze WHY the person might have made up the lie - what did it cover? Anyway, recently his belittling and demeaning of me behind my back, and nasty little things he claimed he "didn't know why he did them" to me made me confront him. He became terrified, saying over and over "I'm quitting, so don't say anything.Just leave." At that point I realized just how afraid he is of me. He maneuvered to get me kicked out of this organization for "complaining too much". His position there was much more needed than my presence, so I was forced out. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, it sounds crazy, but a part of me still loved him. I started going to his church. partly to see him, partly because I want to go back to church. A couple of weeks ago he noticed me a few pews behind and to the left of him. He only saw me when he turned around to do the "passing of the peace". Then when he sat and turned to face the front again, I never saw a grown man squirm so much. He kept fiddling with his glasses, covering his mouth with his hand (I've seen him do that once before when I smiled, amused, when he said he "hates liars", knowing he is such a pathological liar.) He knows I can see right through him, and he's afraid I might say what I think he did. He even brought a woman friend (or maybe she was his cousin) to sit in the back of the church and watch me to see if I take notice of him, etc.. I'm just going to the mass now for my own spiritual renewal and just sit a long ways in front of him, so he knows I don't care whether he's there or not. But knowing how much I frighten him, completely turned me off. As a woman. having a grown man so frightened of me is a novel experience, but the ultimate turn-off, which is just what I needed to get completely over him. I can't help feeling though that I would like to study just how his mind works, he is so twisted. Everyone loves him and thinks he's so wonderful. I can tell he is very well-respected in the church, he even was asked by a young kid to pass the offering basket around when the regular person who did it was out sick. If he does approach me after Mass one day to go out for coffee or something, I think I would be tenpted to be his friend, he is such a fascinating specimen of humanity. I never met anyone like him before.
You are correct. I saw their cowardice and they knew it. They set traps to which i did not fall for. They ran because people realised i was not the problem. They were😂
I completely agree with you on this as we come to place value and validate our opinions the narc will lose interest and run because you get to the IDGAF point and can move forward. We are the prize the narc made us forget that during their abuse cycle. Thank once again for validating my thought process and experiences.
This is GOLD. This is EXACTLY what I've started doing with certain family members, and they are giving me space and trying really hard to win me back. At this point I'll accept nothing less than a genuine apology and genuine changed behaviour before I forgive and forget, and if they don't give it then they'll lose me for good.
yep...I exposed my ex narc with proof (screenshots, recorded messages, etc) and he was livid....retaliated by completely slandering me though. but that exposure has made him keep his distance from me because he knows I won't shy away from his abuse.
I did exactly as you just said in this video a year ago. it is the holy grail. it works. I was immovable and yet still myself. now, they're terrified of me. I chose actions over words and stuck by that code on my own, and it was just as you said, they just left.
I had the strength to know that these individuals hurt me. without being aggressive I beat them to the punch and I waited for them to make the moves. funny thing, they didn't. that's when I knew. I know I'm a valuable friend and cousin, they know it and I shouldn't need to explain myself. honestly, I pity them that they can't help themselves.
Narcissists are pretty Adept at not disrespecting your boundaries until they get you. For me, I am put off by the first feeling of creepiness. It doesn't mean he's a narcissist it just means I don't want a creepy man. Thank God Not all men are creepy. There is hope for me 👍
Anyone exposed to excessive love bombing in ths beginning would know their fake. Excessive flattery after knowing them for a couple weeks? You dont even really know this person. BIg turn off.
I agree! I think "you're the prize" is right on. I definitely see the fear in them when they know you know. I'm outwardly friendly to the ones I can't avoid, mostly at work, but they know I am more trouble than I'm worth as a target. Like chasing a goose, and I'm the goose. They know to stay on the sidewalk. I had seven target me within six months. Work, romance, ex, and an admin at my daughter's school. It took three and work (a team) and one covert romantic to learn to recognize what they are and why they target me. Got my butt kicked, but kicked back harder thanks to educational videos like this one. Healing old trauma was key to not "falling in" to the abuse. One tried to target me at work recently. He did just as you said. He couldn't avoid me for long, but we have a "play nice" unspoken understanding. I actually chuckled to myself that he thought he had a chance. When you "get it" (finally!), it's like having x-ray glasses. Or body-snatcher glasses. You realize how messed up they are. It's tragic at a human level. When you get yourself well, they have no foothold. Brutal-beyond-words lesson with great rewards if you learn it.
After being with a Narcissist for nearly three years, I've only just opened my eyes to this character. Been doing lots of research on them and this really is making my decision to 'close the door finally', much easier. Thank You 😚
Honestly 30 years I lived like this not understanding these people my so called family.. left alone and confused 95 percent of the time .when its in a family it start at birth and it never ends it gets worse thur the years.. it becomes a way of life at least for me until I had my own children ..now they r grown and have joined the other 6 in my life.I am the escape goat in my family and its been past down to my kids as grown adults. to realize its not the outside whos your ememy its the ones inside and take pleasure in it.they come thur your door with a beautiful smile with a gift in 1 hand and a dagger in the other.what saddens me most .. my grandchildren children are caught in the middle of all this which they dont understand. its sad I have finally realized these people where never my family.I was the 1 being family to them.a 1 sided relateionship doesnt work at all even haveing the same dna.I wasted alot of years emotionally on these 10 people which left me alone confused and isolated as if I had done something so wrong.they have drained me and my heart and spirit is broken knowing the reality that it never was and the ememy was those inside not on outside...some make believe life I have lived 40 years.im try to hold on but it so hard. hopeing you all find closure and happiness in this sick twisted world and those who you are suppose to find safety in. take care.
Same here Deb; it's worse on the victim when it's family, but it's easier for the family, 'cause they don't have to rein it in. Just be as cutthroat as they want, 'cause it's just little ole YOU! They don't care how much you're hurt; you're nobody...the clincher for me was when one family member they started in on (they got so much practice on me, didn't want to waste it) started telling me all the unbelievable lies told about me behind my back. They told them to fuel the fire, to create that false reality, certainly not for justification of what they're doing-they don't need any! We're going to get over it, in a couple, three years. Later, Deb
Deb Warren I'm so very sorry for what has happened to you. I understand completely. I too was under the strong delusion that those be people were my family. The honest truth is that they never saw me as more than the scapegoat. Period. What is so screwed is that everyone was in on it. They purposefully kept me in the dark about how they really viewed me. All very one-sided. How pathetic they are. They are to be pitied. I have some level of compassion for those pitiful creatures. I am overwhelmed with joy and ecstatic with the knowledge that I am not like them. I'd rather be me than them any day of the week. LOL. However they don't give a crap what I think, feel, need or want After all, it's just Tammy. The family scapegoat. We have lost decades to these simple minded morally bankrupt cultish people. It is time to appreciate that we have awakened to this knowledge. There are our unfortunate brothers and sisters who never come into this knowledge and wake up. They die with the pain of being the scapegoat. Its time to learn how to heal our hearts, minds and spirit. I am forgiving myself for wanting the love of people who were never ever going to love me, accept me and embrace me. The day I finally walked away, I felt a great weight fall off my shoulders and back. I am off to (re)discover who I really am. I am looking. I forward to the journey. The real me must be a uniquely wonderful entity since my FOO has spent a lifetime trying to destroy her. Good luck to you on your journey of self discovery. Remember. You can never go back. They will only continue there campaign of destruction against you. Be Blessed, Sister.
Sending you much love and strength.. I too was the scapegoat daughter... I don't say wasted years but learning years...once you know better you do better... I went No Contact about 3 years ago..best decision of my life.... I'm 54 and started my life over.... Please consider going No Contact with your family.... isolation is a good thing...it gives you time to get strong and healthy....why give your time and energy to people that Never really cared or loved you...Save yourself...Be the Light and Expose the darkness...May God be with you🙏🙏🙏🙏✌️✌️✌️✌️
@@nailazion2600 amazing how we all thought we were the only ones with stories like this, the more I research and hear other stories I realize how many there are of us...I'm 52 and learned way to late after spending tens of thousands over the years on my evil mom, we lived 2100 miles away from eachother, she wanted to be near me and begged me to move her, I did which cost me thousands, found her a house was paying for the monthly bill, paid phones, TV etc everything then my so called sister and her reunited and long short the next I know I'm smeared she ruined my relationship w the guy I'd been with for years, I ended up losing all I had my home etc bc her and the so called sister thought it would be hilarious to go and file false police reports on me saying I'd neglected her abused u name it they said it......I wish I never helped either of them, I now live in a very small van , going on 2 and a half years now......... I can spot a narc a mile away now...eeks...
I understand completely. I abused since birth. Always trying to please, but never could. I married my mother. Psychologist said, ‘He made me feel right at home.’ I am worthy. I’m very smart. I’m artistic. I’m creative. I’m kind. I don’t need no bull.
Awesome information! I initiated no contact after my epiphany. He must’ve thought I figured him out because he didn’t Hoover and I haven’t heard anything from him. This was 7/2017. It’s been a hard road but I get stronger as time passes and I remain NO CONTACT. I’ve been in counseling since no contact. The realization of it all was what finally gave me strength. I continue to educate myself and practice self caring. Thank you for your channel. Katherine
I tried the passive resistance approach and it only lead to more hurt. The fact that I wasn't reacting made the Narcissist happy! It gave them ammunition to say the most despicable things to me, and they thought I would take it, I become a punishing bag, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I reacted and went in aggressive. The narcissist did recruit its flying monkeys to attack me, the narcissist used my reaction as evidence that I was the abuser and have attacked her, not the other way around. The narcissist did recieve a lot of sympathy, and managed to manipulate her family and they all saw her as the long suffering 'victim', this is when the smear campaign started and I was abused by proxy. My name, character, reputation has been tarnished but I had to fight back in order to protect myself. I did give them a piece of their own medicine, and mirrored their words and behaviour. i realised my silence and non-reactive approach wasn't getting me anyway, although reacting aggressively did cause the narcissist to up its game, but at the end, I felt relief for letting go of all the hurt, rage, anger, resentment and bitterness that was harbouring inside. I don't regret being reactive towards them, they too were shocked and came to the realisation that I was no longer a push over. Sometimes you just have to go toe to toe with the Narcissist, and then shut the door on them permanently. I know in some situation they will harass you, and get others to do the bidding in order to pro-long the abuse, and keep you as their victim, in that case the authority need to be involved.
Genie111 111 I went reactive and he started feeling bad for himself. He said he regrets messing up (even though he is lying to himself) but he started playing the victim and feeling sorry for himself.but I was through with the bullshit Idone. I️t is better to go toe to toe , that keeping quiet to me shows them that you are a coward and letting them walk over you. Never.... you should go toe to toeThey are not nothing but sick insecure individuals. I️ went off and got it out and closed the door. And blocked him until I️ felt he got the picture, hasn’t bothered me since. I️ told him sorry dear your loss. I️ was his #1 narcissistic supply. He kept saying he was going to regret this. You have to give them taste of their own medicine. Narcissists don’t liked to be ignored, I️ can discard one just as quick as they think they can discard. Asta Lavista!
That was Brilliant... I have gotten to this place by two key factors. #1 Completely accepting the FACT that their end game is my death and or institutionalization. #2 Going No Contact FULLY, for a long enough period of time to enable me to Recover Sufficiently and Build Strength. Doing this allowed me to apply all the principals you expounded upon, with extreme prejudice.
"Actions over words." Sooo important--thanks for bringing that up. The problem is that we are reasonable people. We feel like it's good to hash out differences and all that jazz. That doesn't work with narcissists! They don't give a rat's ass about trying to see one another's point of view! So you have to play them at their own game and just get on with your life. Stop trying to defend yourself to them or explain yourself. That creates the dynamic (or perpetuates it is more like it) of them controlling the debate. Don't even argue at all. That just gives them fodder plus it keeps you engaged and investing energy into an energy vampire.
Thank you Scott!!! This is really helpful!! I was also examining every single detail about their behaviour patterns... I was using so much energy and feeling little bit anxious. But now showing little or no emotion works quiet well. That is what I also call the Grey Rock Method... It pisses them off and begin to search for new supplies. They are incredibly coward and pathetic..Peace to us all!!✌️
Only thru your channel I came to know about the term “Narcissist”. That was an eye opener. Earlier I used to wonder what was going around. Now I know the name I explored a lot and found out that I was actually dealing with a Narcissist for almost 20 years. Thanks for enlightening me. I wish all the victims out there know exactly what is going on with them . Time is precious. The soon they are aware the soon they are out of it. No one should go thru these crazy things .
Oh I identify with this vid Scott! I was his prize, and I was under his control for a long time. I backed what he said. Once he began his Grand Scheme, and it began a year before it all went crumbling down, he KNEW that I didn't respond to the words "I'm not trying to control you, I'm trying to make you better!" But I began to go "grey rock" on him, didn't respond the way he expected me to. Oh, I was sharing, and analyzing his words, but with my friends, just not with him, because I knew that would have led to more abuse. Yet, all that analysis, had me paralyzed! I knew it had to end, even though I had invested 17 good years with him. I just didn't know how! His actions spoke volumes! Once he wanted me to involve MY family members, by taking advantage of them, I KNEW this had to end. It drove him crazy with my non-compliance to his Grand Scheme! I didn't even understand that he had NPD, I only knew something was seriously wrong with him mentally, but I found out after he went to jail, by trying to strangle me! Someone suggested that I check into NPD, and your channel. Only then did the pieces fall into place for me. I then knew what I was dealing with. Once he was in jail, I had relief and peace in my life. I had that time to claim my self power back, and saw him for what he really is. Now it's just a matter of finalizing my divorce.
jofish420 you're a smart woman. I did the same thing with my narc without me knowing what he was. And now I have knowledge and I will not tolerate bullshit. Good thing I don't love him anymore
im trying sooo hard, sooo hard. I don't have the energy to talk right now, but just know, its been 15 years of this for me. thank you for this self empowerment
I've listened to your older advice in detail & this is new. To stop focusing on the details, I've realised that they dump there shame & thinking patterns in to our heads, so we mistake there twisted reality for something of our own making. Establishing & Re enforcing patterns in us that may have never even existed beforehand. I've recognised negative reactions when I independently meet friends & family, as I go on trial for an imaginary crime every time I choose to meet with others .
Thank you Scott. This is really hard and almost no one understands who hasn't gone through this and your analysis is sharp and helpful and helps get rid of the anger, which has caused other spouses in the family of my narc husband to either get cancer or end up on psychotropic medication - a coin toss, pretty much. This is no joke.
Antidote to narcissism:
Be happy
Do the things you enjoy the most
Ignore them big time
Let them be stupid sick and manipulative knowing that you do not have to engage with them at all.
And if there's someone in your life who browbeats you and tries to tell you that you should accept bad treatment and just let people walk all over you- yeah, you can probably just go ahead and get rid of that person, too.
If you value yourself, they realize they can't manipulate you.
He told me, “you don’t VALUE yourself, so you allow yourself to be used and abused”
They try to take away your value so they can abuse you. But your value comes from Jesus. So they can’t have it.
💯💯💯
And invest in yourself, like financial education, health education, law education and tears cant come down
To scare them away start asking them for money all the time. They'll run fast!
Doomsday I'll have to try that! 😂
Every time he "forgot" to pay my support, which I earned trust me, I would call him. He hated it. So now he pays on an auto pay. Never have to bother with him.
That would scare anyone anyway.
Yes, ask for anything, money, favours, gifts. They have nothing to give, they just want to take. Tell them you outgrew them and they don’t look good enough for you, sledge hammer to theirs big fat fake ego.
You can't be like that cos that's not you and will weaken your only source of strength, which is the moral high ground, you take that bait by asking for money and you be morally and financially indebted to them.
There is a whole different paradigm here,
Basically, victims and narcs both come together because they are magnetically connected, by being polar opposites,
After 28 ears of marriage to who I now recognize as a "full blown narcissist" I finally broke free and now in fourth month of no contact. I have taken charge of my finances, gotten a job (yes, at 68 years old) and reconnected with family and friends. I have moved on and his "smear campaign" is now of no matter to me. I have become a "student of narcissism" and in doing so learned a lot about myself. Thank you young man for your videos...you are wise beyond your years.
Charlotte Herring Good for you. Go live the way you want now with no bull crap. I just wish I could break free, still trying. ♥
Charlotte Herring
I am proud of course you. Outstanding job. You are an example of fortitude and bravery. There are many who are to afraid to do what they know needs to be done. Be Blessed.
Congratulations!! I am in the exit process, 39 years old, 3 young kids. My narc husband doesn't deserve the next 20 years of my life. Playing dumb while quietly working out my legal rights.
Be prepared but don't care. I love it when he and his narc lawyer tried to destroy me in court and my lawyer and I were just laughing. They looked like fools before the judge and he saw right through them. The mediator too. He was to be neutral. But after the intro letters we sent, he had it figured out. We were laughing and having so much fun that day. I'm sure they could hear us in the room next door. I had him over the ropes . I win and he lost. He caved and didn't want to be there anymore. It felt so free to be out from under his guilt trips and manipulation. He has tried to reconcile but I refuse to engage his contact. I have my accountant as the contact. And he is too embarrassed to contact me now.
@@Dachdogoriginal you're lucky! I bet you were on top of the world. I know I would have been! To have that validation from a judge to end the narcs game- check. Mate!
I've seen courts and children used as weapons by narcs. Judges dont always understand especially in family court, if the narc is a woman w children.
I'm so happy you were able to move on and in such a public way! 🤣💕
so true . develop self esteem and confidence and the narc wants nothing to do with you
Agreed. I learned that when I truly had the best self worth and confidence, I developed the strongest boundaries and respect for myself. When I meet Narcissists now, I know in the first interaction. If they try to 'test' me, they are in for a surprise. They are discarded immediately. On the flip side, because I have strong boundaries and respect now, Narcissists who recognize that, fear me and runaway. So either, I teach them a lesson or they leave me be willfully.
Yes. I said no many times over the years, and caved in after so many (we had a past history that goes back to childhood), then gave a relationship another try after 25 years and it was a nightmare and I was incredibly weak, self-sacrificing, compromising, all things I was NOT when I was younger. She even wouldn't "let" me do at type of smile I'd do because she didn't like how it made her feel (it was obviously very appropriate for some of her BS).
🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽✝️🤐😃🖖🏼
Boom!! That right there is what drives them away... it takes along time to get there, but you will with self-love.
How
Start living your life on your terms , not your narcs terms for a change.
Aa yes exactly!!! :)
Yes. It's all about control and domination. You get caught up in a serious power struggle for autonomy. Everything is on their terms.
I agree
I have children with my ex, so I see him 3 to 4 times a year. #1 my mindset is: The door is ALWAYS closed to him. He can have none of me. ZERO. When I'm around him I'm studying him as if I'm watching a movie. The movie isn't good or bad its just a movie. Sometimes I play along with the "actor" even when I know he knows I am playing along. I calmly look him right in the eyes and I'm neutral no matter what kind of crap he's throwing. He's just not that important anymore. I know he knows, that I know, he knows, I know. It tickles me. He has no power. I GOT THE POWER!
You rock!!
Anti-zionism movement Ahg
They teach us so much of them . I felt like I was in a boot camp now I'm stronger than never now I'm his worst nightmare.
My mom went through this when I was a teen. Never got one cent, just lost. It was not worth it, all that time and effort and emotional trauma for nothing. Once she got the judge to play hardball, he left the country and got a job overseas. It just took her life away for 4 years while she pursued him. Not only did he get away with not paying child support, but he never paid her one cent in spousal support (alimony). She was pursuing about 120k and spent 45k on attorneys. There was one difference though, it was the mid 80s and their weren't such strong child support laws. One of the tricks my dad used was to take early retirement from his federal (high paying job) (He was only 50) which is judegement proof income. Because the law was after him, he went no contact with the whole family untill I was 28. By then she was back on her feet and all 3 of us kids were independant. I'm the one who convinced my mom through evidence that it simply was not worth the fight. How much better off we all would have been had she just walked away. He was very abusive in the home but flew under the radar at work and was very cucessful. My biggest trauma was nightmares that I still have today about being under the control of an evil person who wants to kill me or one of my loved ones, but I have no voiced or nobody will believe me. If my mom had simply walked away the first time he raped my big sister and shortly after got caught in an affair all of our lives would have been better. She stayed because he was a good provider, up until the day she filed for divorce. Watching my mom so upset from the age of 8 till adulthood just heaped more trauma on my shoulders and I spent most of my adulthood depressed and in and out of therapy. I'm 55 now, and I'm only 1 1/2 years into my recovery. It's not always worth it. Better for some people to let it go.
It's fun and fitting to watch them as though they are movie characters. I mean, they are always acting after all. They have no genuine "self" so they are always putting on a show with one of the many characters they've created for specific situations. The smart ones might know when we're doing this and it will drive them nuts; but they can't do anything about it in a public situation. My brother has caught me "watching" him that way and he'll give me the evil eye. I don't think I would do that if I was alone with him because he has a terrible temper and he has physically hurt me before. But, I don't intend to ever be alone with him again anyway. Once you figure out how to handle them, it's kind of entertaining.
"Not being flustered easily" = kryptonite
Judy B. Amen. Never let them see you sweat!
I have discarded many narcissists from a small red flag. One guy boast how busy he was. Another said he wasn't interested in dating me, but admitted on contacting me to fish for a compliment. There were others among that who make me feel, or least try to make me feel less than. But now, I tell them they are no longer allowed to speak to me again in this lifetime. It feels good to keep clear boundaries.
The “busy” narcissist who “works SO hard,” even though they don’t work any harder than anyone else, is just the average American.
You got it. Simply value your own self esteem and don’t feed the narc your energy.
I literally got to the point where she was starting so many arguments, that I simply told her, "I refuse to argue with you". When she would jealousy bait/triangulate, I didn't react. When she stormed off and gave me the silent treatment, I didn't chase her. I simply didn't allow her to gain any more supply from me. She would tell me, "you're meant to get angry" (at the jealous baiting), "you're meant to come after me" (when she stormed off). I denied her all her narcissistic expectations. Once she realised that I wasn't playing her games anymore, she left.
I.e. You're suppose to do and act as I want you to. You are here to entertain me. You are in my life for me and nothing else.
Do as I say, not as I do.
It reminds me of a friend whose wife said it was time to divorce who later screamed at him, "Why didn't you FIGHT for me?!" right near the end of the divorce proceedings. He replied, "I didn't just go through all this just to change my mind" They had a good co-parenting arrangement when their daughters were finishing High School. Lesson learned for him? You can't stick with people who bring out the worst in you. (He turned into a nice guy/doormat for a while. on the other hand, you don't want to turn into an asshole/bitch-- if you're a female reader... because as our presenter says and many others including ourselves-- you don't want to take the bait and give them the reaction they're dying for either!)
They seem to know when the jig is up. I stopped responding to his emotional manipulations then I started distancing myself...he gave me the silent treatment..i went no contact! It worked..he's gone.
Ive done the same Cindy. Gave in so many times for years. I feel that he is on the verge of giving up.
I agree asking for money is a great way to get ride of them or letting them pay if you get an opportunity and don’t rush to pay back let them have to ask a couple of times and they will flee, good!
@Diva R wow I'm going through this now I blocked him and he's still texting and calling the block number. He stop a few days now but I know he's not gone. I hope he leaves me alone this time for good. I blocked him before and he came to my job threatening to stab my tire. So I unblock him. He's blocked now but I'm worried.
@@givegodthanks if he threat you, ask him if he loves you. If he says 'yes', then ask him 'if it is love, why do you want to stab my tire? That's an unloving thing to do, and I only want to be with someone who loves me. If you really love me, show me what love is.'
Then maybe he'll go away, because you are hard to please.
You have been away from UA-cam for so long. You are still the best. I hope that you are well and that all is well.
All the best,
Thomas.
I wonder if they understand how unattractive they look when they're acting like a piece of crap? I've NEVER been attracted to a mean person.
Sonja Ross Thats why they charm 😂
I finally see what's going on so once I see mean I run
A bit of advice from me is don’t let a narcissist give you ANYTHING. Even something small, like they pick up 2 for 1 on pineapples and give you one of them, don’t accept it. Because everything they do is an effort to trap you however small. Just weaken your ties with them in every possible way.
robbiepeterh Thats called gift bait = loss of your own power
And never eat anything they make and be prepared for them to go through your personal belongings and use the smear campaign against you.
Fuck that. TAKE THEM FOR EVERYTHING YOU CAN GET. Call it retribution for all the people who have been victimised. If you want to be altruistic SHARE THE SPOILES WITH THIER OTHER VICTIMS 😈
I did this in my relationship with a Narcissist, as soon as I started to let him fix his own problems, reminding him of what he said he was going to do, not converting religions because he wanted me to, not agreeing to change my name if we got marries, not quitting school to cater to his needs, not sacrificing time with my kid so we could ‘be alone’.
I didn’t know what kind of relationship this truly was at the time, but when I stopped catering to him, and responding to his crisis by reminding him of how his actions got him to where he was in those given situations, he started cheating on me to find this control another way over me, and over people. He just left me for another woman and I simply picked up my stuff and left. He said he still wanted to be friends, but I refused and told him to never contact me again.
BEST DAY EVER.
I'm proud of u
Finally! Someone else that is talking about fighting back against the narc. It's not always what you think. Once you change your behavior you change their behavior. No contact is great...but only when you can reach that point. It's almost an intuitive thing with me. Only thing different is you said they don't want to engage you because you're dangerous. Excellent! That is exactly what I became to a couple of these people. I am dangerous to them, because I threaten to expose their lies...if even only to themselves.
I understand.
Lara Miriam
This is very true but very dangerous advice...i gradually turned my narcs supply off & he just started poisoning me...
@Meister Medusa love your quote about the lies... perfect
Their behavior cant be changed, we just make access to us unavailable, they just from outside looking in
ignore them... go no contact
Amen🙏🏽
Best advice
Yes I did
Lie to them just like they lied to you. Let them down just like they've let you down. Give them hope just like they gave you hope and pull back just like they did. In short, mirror the narc so he/she gets a taste of his/her own medicine. At the end, they will mirror you and run for their life just like you did :D . Trust me, works like a charm !
Exactly what I am doing I make a fool of him almost 4 months and took money from him too hahahahah I enjoy to be narcissist with the narcissist
You can't out-narc a narc. They are 25 steps ahead of you; just when you think you are 'getting them back,' they have already destroyed your friendships, family relationships, work relationships and have probably already filed court papers on you for some made up bullcrap, without you even knowing it.
Best to walk away, let them be, enjoy your newfound freedom and let them self-destruct / vampire their next victim. They are no longer your problem, and you will be much happier extricating them from your life and your mind.
Imma ghost to them, my body, soul, mind want to errase any knowledge of them in my day to day life... wish i never met that ...
Its so hard too believe how many Narcs are out there its way more then stats show! Its seems like 1 in 3 people to me! Thanks for your channel!😊
comforting
More like2 out of three.They are out here an they try you.Its worst when they are family members.
This is my view as well.
I think its important to note that everyone will exhibit some narcissistic tendencies to some degree if we are completely honest. We are human...it arises in all of us at times, however....the person who sees narcissistic qualities in themselves and works to eliminate those is not a true narcissist. The person who cares not to reflect on their flaws or seek change is a true narcissist.
Look at the democrats. Liars, all! Accusing the rest of us about things they are activly doing....with video! But nooo! "Thats not us....we didnt do that....its fake news" ad nausiam.
Reverse psychology works wonders especially when your getting any form of threats. The cowards back away.
Like the old saying goes "when you are weak act strong and when you are strong act weak".
My break up with narc was obviously going to be bad because I was dealing with a narc of course. He threatened to harm me and my family and pay me a visit. So I told him bring it on. I dare you. I just need you to make the first move because it will become the ideal circumstances and a brilliant reason to expose you. It worked lol. I get the occassional hoover. 6 weeks and 5 days no contact and I feel so much happier and definitely wont and dont consider wanting that idiot back.
Everyone should try it. Its not the same as mirroring the narc its you standing up for yourself which is exactly what we all need to do. We shouldnt fear losing those who hurt us devalue us and disrespect us in the most horrific ways. If a narc says hes going to do something speak to him in such a way that challenges him and tell him the consequences of what you will do if he does want to follow through with it. Watch the narc back away.
mazzy maz u are my She-ro...go girl👍
I hadn't yet identified the narcissists, or the narcissist issues enveloping me, when I got another call from my husband's sister. She proceeded to call me names again, for no reason. I said,"What do you think you're doing? Whatever it is, I don't like it." Well she backed right off, tried to explain; turns out she was just a MARSHMALLOW! Haha, get it-calling HER a name for a change. . .I could only wonder WHY in the WORLD I put up with it...for YEARS! She was gonna do it FOREVER! For the rest of our lives! Now I don't even have to avoid her like the plague; she doesn't bother me!
mazzy maz Thank you never heard that quote when you're weak act strong. Thank you💎
mazzy maz You are definitely right!
the best thing to do is remove the abusive person from your life. also learning to set boundaries for future attacks
It should just be an immediate thing the second someone mistreats you or you find out they smear you behind your back. That's just the most basic of basics about relationships. The real challenge is finding out how to not attract them in the first place, because they just mask their personality and you just wasted X amount of weeks of your life
Yup! You beat them to the punch! POW!
My POW is the word NO. No closeness. No attachment. No engaging.
Your talk is brilliant in simplicity. You always surprise me like a fresh breeze when I turn the corner. You’re genuine and sincere.
111 days no contact today.
We MUST go for Justice. It is our duty if we've been involved with these predators. Otherwise they continue walking free and we have a society full of predators. Keep pursuing Justice until you feel it has been served.
I Totally agrred, They are criminals
me too agree! but even in reality we’re victim difficult to get help, some police or even lawyer and judge don’t really help.. emotional abuse is difficult to ask help
Damn, that was good brother...and correct. "YOU are the prize. "
Enough said, right there. Stops the supply. Good stuff.
No contact is the best revenge. They're not worthy of even being in your life. 2 years and going strong regardless of many hoovering attempts.
Exposure I think is the keyword. The ex N finally stopped calling me when I told him I had a recording app on my phone. He also stopped sending threatening texts when I told him I was going to post them on social media.
Blessed Butterfly, this worked for me too. Like magic.
Awesome advice!! Its probably because all they care about is image. A narc I was friends with before she accused me of stealing from her which was a made up lie had blocked me on fb before I even knew the discard happened because I called the police and she left me alone only she would never give me a chance to smear her name! Always be one step ahead but at that time I thought she was just a messed up chick
Narc brother finally left me alone when I threatened him with a restraining order. I told him that his last threatening phone call had been on speaker and that my best friend had heard the entire thing; that if he bothered me ever again, she had agreed to go to court with me and give evidence. He hasn't bothered me since. But, I did notice that, at some point, he had found a way to delete most of his text messages to me from my phone. I didn't think that was possible, but apparently it is if you're willing to pay for an app. I just grinned because I knew that he did it because he was afraid of me revealing him as the sick fuck that he is.
What was interesting is after I informed the ex N I had recording devices and would post threatening texts on social media, a few days later he informed me had made a post directed towards me on his social media page but added, "Don't worry I didn't call you out by name so I wouldn't ruin your pretty little reputation." Ummm projection much?? He was trying to get me not to do the same. These people are truly a special kind of mind f*ck.
I'm still always surprised how it all starts from their point c or d, of hostility & vindictiveness. Doesn't even have to work up to it, from point a; it's because they always thought of you as a target from the beginning. Hard to ever get in a preemptive strike, but can cut 'em off short.
Showing a narcissist strength has been the number one tactic to keeping toxic people away me. I highly value myself as like precious gold, so that I only pick people are deserving of my affection. Love your video and advice.
I told my gossiping narcissist SIL that i don't gossip or say anything bad about her, so if she smears me, she looks bad. I found out that it worked, because she tried to gossip about me with a mutual acquaintance that i purposefully always talked about the narc positively to when asked what i think of narc SIL. The mutual acquaintance came to me and told me she met with her and that she started the, "oh she hates me, i tried with her, she's very toxic, watch out" garbage and the acquaintance said, "really? That's weird because she has said nothing poorly about you and i like her." My narc SIL spent the next few min of their convo backpedaling. Meanwhile, i, being met with this info from mutual friend just said, "oh wow... bummer. I never realized she felt that way."
VINDICATION AT LAST!! People have started to see her for who she is as she exposes herself. You can play the game without hurting your character or morals.
you have to be self assured (high self confidence) and non reactionary.
The first minute and a half of this video is FUNNY! 😂
Scott, you are hilariously and refreshingly self aware.
I’m a long time follower of 8 years and rewatch your videos from time to time.
I hope you return with a new one sooner than later.
Take care. ✌🏾
Heres a great "filter" question to ask (suspected) narcissists:
"what are you going to do when you realize i dont NEED you?"
works like a charm. ⚡💜⚡
That's great advice! I am done with their whole family! Every last one of them... Blocked them all out of my life and I feel great about it!
Nice video. It's very true. I have often found that unhealthy people will either avoid emotionally healthy people or if they do get entangled somehow, the healthy person will be able to disentangle from them without feeling guilty and the narc will just go. I used to feel guilty when removing people from my life when I was younger but I knew I was worthy of better relationships so I did it anyway. Then I realized that they won't put up a fight usually. They just move on. I was happily amazed. As the bible says, "Don't cast your pearls before the swine." That fits with your last point in the video which was the best part. Don't give yourself away to someone who will not appreciate what beauty you have to offer.
How sadly enlightening it was for me when a couple times in my life, I broke up with men who "loved me so much" that they wanted to marry me, but then basically shrugged and said, "Huh, cool," when I broke up with them. Little did I know they had already 'moved on' long before I finally got up the nerve, after MONTHS of being afraid to hurt them (*self eyeroll*), and had their back burner girlfriends already moved to the front burner.
I like your humility.it certainly humbled us when we deal with a narcissist..when we realize we were brought up to be scapegoats until we wake up to their deceptions and realize we have trusted them with their words..if they don't go then you should go..your peace is worth it
BOSTON 🍀
Trying to foresee what narcs are up to and prevent them from hurting you kept my mind very busy, but only worked sometimes. I decided to stop bc I was still giving them my attention and attention is basically all they want, in whatever form they can get it. I found narcs all have the same playbook...they use your good character against you. They use the same tactics too. Once you understand that it is predator vs prey...you run, they will chase. I stopped running and said "Give it your best" bc I am done living like this and turns out their bark is all they got...so far they are just confused. I still protect myself, but go on alert only if I have too. These are dangerous people with zero empathy, but I will no longer live in fear! I say NO alot to them putting their problems on me. I just ask them what they are going to do about it...I have no solution for them. And thanks Scott for helping me get this far, your videos have helped me so much!
I agree. Once I was no longer afraid, once I no longer cared whether we were together or not, once I grew up and took the reins, he just backed away...slowly.
They work with shame an thereby help us love ourselves more. They truly believe they are helping you become stronger and. Better person. Who knows maybe that's their purpose. By once u cannot be shamed anymore because you truly log yourself you basically healed and do no longer need them so they fall out of your life. They feed off our insecurity and need for approval. Once we no longer chose to depend on them for approval an chose to give if ourselves and be our own best friend we are free and are no longer controllable and therefore uninteresting. They can play victim all they want. Once we can truly grasp we are our own person with our own persona, preferences and dislikes we are strong and emancipated. Thanks narc for helping me ! :)
Thats something I just really understood today. As a matter of fact all they want is attention.In any form and guise and they will do literally anything to just keep you moderately interested, be it through frustration, anger or looking for approval. They are like sirens in the sea and yes, all they really can do is bluffing and confronting you with the most audacious lies. This complete lack of integrity, morality and subservience to any higher principle or ideal is one of the things that infuriated me more than I imagined to be possible.
Sebastian Helm ...sometimes learning what, not who, we are dealing with is the hardest. It was like seeing true evil for the 1st time...then finding narcs scattered throughout my life made it worse! You are right, they are like sirens in the sea. But what I didn't know I didn't know was I had the power...they are nothing without us. They are empty shells of people that can not live without others, but project onto us that we cannot live without them...which is simply not true. They are weak and pitiful once you see through the facade. Peace to you...
Tips for Chicks on Bikes ....Yes, I agree shame is one of the biggest plays in their playbook. Also, guilt was used so often against me. I had to quit being so "nice" because somehow that made me responsible for the narcs and their problems. Then dealing with all the drama associated with the "problem of the day".....blah, blah, blah...it just never ends until you say NO MORE! Figure it out youself narc as it is not my problem! Peace to you Tips..
You've just confirmed it: I Won. She totally steers clear of me and wants to have nothing to do with me. After the last hoover resulted in total rejection, she's not about to try again. She only anticipates more rejection, which would only make her feel worse and somehow "less than" me. Never! lol No doubt her delusional mind has invented a story that she somehow rejected me and so she's just not interested in interacting with me. They r nuts!
My ex lives close to me and I see that she no longer tries to contact me as she had for a couple years after. I just calmly said "no thanks" to any offer to see her even if just to talk. When I saw her in public I would walk in another direction. Even when she had made eye contact and smiled. She realized she was shut down and even mimics my behavior now as if it's her own idea. That works great for maintaining no contact. Don't feed into it and don't enable it and as you found they avoid you.
You can literally watch her delusional mind at work as she mimics your ignoring behavior. She has to convince herself that she was the one who decided on the No Contact so that she can avoid feelings of rejection and pretend that she's in control. Mine did the exact same thing. Only a narcissist would behave like this. Just more confirmation that we are right to Stay Away.
Fugue State right on brother same boat she got shut the fuk down🖕✌
Amen!!! Once I caught on to my Narcissist friends bullshit. She does not contact me as much. She see's it as punishment but I reality I'm living my best life and have zero cares. I unfortunately will be going to her son's graduation party ''it's not the kids fault'' But I will politely excuse myself if she get's out of line. She will not get a reaction out of me.
Your real enemy is not listening to your emotions. Emotions tell you about spiritual damage and lackings that need to be addressed. It seems narcs rely on us denying our emotions. What else is going to tell us most precisely what is right for us? Don't narcs only take advantage of where we are unaware, the recesses where we dare not go and bring in the light?
A completely different angle to the overall problem, but it makes complete sense.
CynthiaSchoenbauer Narcs bank on you splitting
True!
You have to be aware of them but not outwardly react to them
Best advice ever
I've lived this with my mother. I have finally gotten her to a point that she's scared of me and doesn't want much to do with me, because i'm vocal about what she is, and i call the cops on her when she goes into a narcissistic rage and winds up physically attacking someone. She's convinced herself that i know all the cops and have turned them against her, which is not the case. She did it to herself. She says i've studied her and fight against her psychologically and she is right. I also gray rock her a lot, when i'm forced to talk to her. I highly recommend that as well. I'm moving in a couple months across country and plan to go no contact. I think no contact is the best way to win in these types of circumstances.
Thus is true
Yep, and well done!!!
I grey rocked my mother when I went to do last months maintenance on her house. I promised my father before he died, I would do it so she won't have to spend a lot of money. I also built a beautiful garden for food for the 3 of us women during this high inflation. Many months her verbal abuse got worse. She would make an amends, take accountability but she won't change her behavior. That's key to making an amends. It's a hook. I grey rocked heavily on this trip. I confronted her behaviors and she countered them each time. On one confrontation, I felt the with holding of love and got a connection of why I feel terrified around her. It was like that when I was a baby. She would leave me to cry in my crib until I passed out. I connected to that rejection and abandonment. It's her fears I internalyze because it's real. Told her she will never be the nurturing and supportive mother I need her to be. And, I put her in the tower with my youngest narc daughter. 0 contact, 0 engagement= peace
How is it going with your mum now? I mean after all the vaccines there are even more narsisists out there now……
@@ainahaga this is ridiculous. Vaccines have nothing to do with it. Narcissism is a personality style. Not a bacteria or a virus.
you are real. you tell it like it is in a reality based down to earth practical way. when i was finally finished with a narcissist i had a heightened awareness. i put that banner up with other narcissists i met afterwards. and youre right they fled away. leave their presence and or let them know youre not falling for it with an attitude of indifference.
"heightened awareness" .. exactly, I recently called it hyper-awareness.. that state I was in for weeks after my eyes were opened. I'm not "that" aware these days, are you?
If you don't mind telling me, what do you mean by "banner"?
Late 40s and just put it together that I am a threat to my family.They do everything to alienate me even with all my good qualities. And you just nailed it here. I am everything they are not.
I defeated the narc.
I called him out on all his bull.
He left
Not 1 call from him
Your right he is scared of me exposing him
Same after I called my Narc out he disappeared.
Ya gotta be calm, ya gotta be cool, ya gotta be collected 💪🏻☺️! I
Narcissists are indifferent and that's probably the worst part because no matter what you do, they will tune you out. It benefits them and they don't allow anyone to ruin their day, not even their kids. You can't win, best to run from them because they are like poison. They are what they are, and that's it. Run!
Sylvia Harroch
I hope you return to health very quickly.
You can indeed ruin their day but pointing out that they arent perfect.
This is what I’ve been practicing and it does work. Passive resistance is the perfect way to describe it, but it can be tough not to slip, especially when you’re an emotional person and get upset after dealing with loads of BS. In my case, my mom’s dad is a narcissist and she fell into the trap of marrying another narcissist, my dad. As you can imagine, I repeated the cycle by dating narcissists because they feel familiar and I was trying to resolve my own daddy issues through “fixing” them. But I learned you can’t win and it’s pretty much my goal in life not to marry/have kids with a narc. Thank you for your vids. Speaking out about it gives me strength and resolve not to mess with them anymore.
its a losing battle and one can lose their soul in the process
Thank you for reminding me about the power I have within myself!!!
You're spot on about seeing yourself as the prize. This happened to me at work recently. My title was changed without any consultation. Rather than reacting, I calmly asked to talk about it. I asked a a few questions about the new role, and said I needed to sleep on it to make sure the job was still a good fit for me. The next day I received a text saying there was no longer any work for me. Since then, a few people from the company have reached out saying it was weird that I wasn't there. They also have said I was doing a great job and they hope to work with me again. The truth is the manipulators were so busy manipulating people that they were not very productive. Anyone with eyes could see my value. I think valuing myself enough to seek clarity about the position threatened them. They couldn't have me around anymore. Now I have a sense of peace and several new job offers.
My husband actually called me his enemy..I thanked him bc he can't accept the fact I'm not him..
I can relate my husband did this to me too.. it’s all about them Sirley Ray has nothing to do with you. He makes you the enemy so he can go do whatever. It’s an excuse to abuse & mistreat you further-They are very selfish if he is a Covert Narc it’s all about them. They don’t appreciate anything you’ve done for them in the marriage either. I tell myself he is sick not a real Man a boy. Real Men don’t treat their wives this way. A Man should build you up not put you down if he loves you. I’m ignoring mine completely put do not disturb on my voicemail now due to hovering - insanity!
Sirley Ray I was called the villian and physically attacked.
My Covert Narc said “Now he knows I do not have a heart for him...that this is just how dark my heart has become... that I was going to annihilate him... and that now he knew for sure I was going to try to murder him and collect the insurance money.
All this was said in texts to me after I set boundaries and that I needed something in writing regarding money I had spent on a home his parents had helped us buy. I had dropped MORE on renovations than the down payment so they all stabbed me in the back. My Narc filed a false police report/Restraining order/kick out order after I took him off my Trust...
He was denied ... but the PROJECTION of what he said in the TEXTS tells me I got out not one minute too early- it was my boundaries and wants and needs that made the Malignant Narc mother/Covert Dad & son show their TRUE COLORS
I had my x wife tell me I loved her to much to leave.... I had a lawyer the next day!
@@theresemeggitt8455 yeap my narc said if you are not my friend, you are my enemy and I destroy my enemies before they destroy me. I asked, why would I want to destroy you, I just want you to leave me alone. Lol
I'm listening to a man who really knows from personal experience. I have 100% admiration and respect for you. I am so grateful for your fresh approach. I'm the mom of an only son. For 20+ years I've watched his partner abuse him and their 3 children. I can't complain, advise, do anything. She veto and blocks every attempt I make to stabilize, celebrate, bring together, interact, and promote a loving atmosphere. She's insists on the house be nothing more than segregated, depressive, silent, funeral attendant zombies. There is my 40 year old son, and 3 grandsons 16, 12, 3 living in her morbid dessert, without life rafts. My heart and spirit may be broken but it pale's in comparison to what she's doing to those kids. My son stays for the kids sake. God. Bless you.
Such an extremely painful experience so much of my precious time and life gone. I'm working on healing and trying to be me again and build my self esteem back. It was such a pure evil I never knew ppl could lie, cheat and be so hypocritical so much it baffled me.
Danielle Mccarter hang in there clear your head take care of yourself set boundaries for yourself work on a few goals of time get up meet new people the next person you meet will be way better and you'll be able to I have the healthy relationship you have to set boundaries
I hope you all the best Danielle
“You have to become an unmovable object” That is genius advice!!
This message is impressive. Your critical thinking skills show astronomical growth. Excellent content. Thank you.
It's the lack of response or dull response. It bores them into giving up.
Bless you, Scott. You are slowly, but surely, saving my life.
every word you spoke was true this only seems unlikely to a person who has never experienced it. i never knew it could kill your self worth I thought I was going crazy. thank you
Scott this was another enlightening topic. Thank you!
Lately, I have been protecting myself from my narcissists with the word 'Self-Preservation'. Without Self-Preservation, I self-destructive. So anytime they start to blast me with negative thoughts or ideas, I repeat the mantra self-preservation...self-preservation... self-preservation, out loud or in my mind over and over again. By doing this, I noticed it soothes me, help me to focus on my goals, deflecting their negativity.
ElusvOptmst1 I love this method ❤
Hey, I hope you're still around. I learned a lot from you. Your explanation of narcissism resonates with the way I think and express myself. I pray all is well.
I think it's important to shift from fear of encountering a narcissist to the realization we are high value beings and empowerment of being sure to have everything what it takes to shoot them down when it happens. What we think (especially layered with fear) we attract.
i want to first say thank you your video has really helped me and my kids i have been with their father for 34 yrs and i knew something was not right and that i have to get away i reached out for help and i decided i need to walk away seeing your videos im ready i have 8 kids with this man and they are grown and they do not have a relationship with their dad everything you say you are on point i feel like someone finally understands me thank you so much god bless.
Thank you for using the phrase, "an immovable object, as those are the words I use to describe myself. I'm very quiet but cannot/will not be moved by their bait whatever form it is thrown at me in.
Thanks a million friend ..you are doing fantastic work here .
Just walked away from the narcissist. He doesn’t get anything from me now. Free at last!!Amen! Now I can heal😀👌great advice..it works🤓
Thank you Scott for your videos. You are a beautiful person with a kind heart. I feel more empowered by your advice. Watching your videos regarding Narcasists makes me feel like I have a friend that understands what I have been through since you have lived with Narc abuse and survived. Thank you for sharing. I live in the phila suburb area. Dawn
What a great video! You are too wise for your age. Thank you for sharing this information. Your message is simple and on point .
Spot on!!! I've come through PTSD I'm on the way other side and this is quality advise! Dismissing these folks is the best advise and choice you have to have a happy joyful existence. Namaste
Exposure was key for me. Once I wrote the letter exposing them it altered what the narc could and couldn't do to me. I set what he had done in stone. Anytime they pull their cards out, I transform it into poetry and share it with the public.😀😉
The whole video is worth every second of your time to watch!! But about 1:40 is the light bulb moment over my head ! Why didn't I think of that ... You become more costly for them.... I have had Narcs eat up my money, my self esteem, my relationships with family and friends, my time ( all the garbage that they spewed out and wanted me to listen to!) and finally here it is 6 words made me laugh out loud with joy and understanding.
I've always been a people pleaser and I found myself to be the last one in so many of my relationships.
I am still me, but now after over 50 years I no longer have to give more than I am capably able to give. Because with narcissists there is never enough that you can give to them.
Yes, I have noticed that they don't even approach me as much since I've changed my viewpoint on dealing with abusive types. I'm also able to identify them more easily, which helps a lot too.
Great video on scarring them away , because these people are hopeless ! And these people are not happy campers !
Thank you Scott, great video. Yes, when the narcissist discards you (normally after subjecting you to a narcissistic rage attack), you know you have 'won'.
We have two narcs at work.
The best way to deal with them?
1. As they approach you, say in a booming voice,(and always emotionlessly)"No! Beat it! I'm with people."
2. Before they speak, say "Wrong!" and chuckle as you walk away.
3. No matter what they say, respond with, "Everyone can see how angry you are."
4. I have also salted the workplace with printed info "Dealing with the Narciccist in the Workplace" to educate fellow employees.
5. Always be too busy to focus on them or what they want. "Get out of the way, sweathog! Real people are working here." Keep moving, always either ignoring them or walking away.
Become a lion that eats other predators and they will avoid you.
But you must be an exemplary employee that is indispensable.
Sometimes the narc is protected by higher-ups who they are manipulating, even as they take the company into ruin and pit employees against each other. Always have an exit strategy.
Wow! This one video is worth the price of your course which I plan on taking (with my new job, now that I have recovered somewhat). Love how you feel your way to the truth. The unmistakable ring of Truth. Note the contrast to the Narcs' all-knowing attitude. For a person twice your age, you've told me some wisdom. Wish I could give you a sisterly hug! Thanks & keep on.
Scott, this video is a master piece. Thank you so much.
God bless
I really like your videos and approach. You are not glib, like most of these YT channels on narcissists are. I love your thoughtfulness. your expressiveness when you are pulling a really important nugget of truth from your deep wise mind, to use a DBT term. You are so right. My psycho narc I knew in a job type situation. We were in this organization together for about 5 years. He targetted me (I'm am empath) and I soon fell in love with him. I sensed he was a psychopath/narc early on, but romanticized it. I told myself he couldn't help it because he was born that way.
We never became romantically involved outside this organization but flirted, etc. He is a compulsive liar. I am very perceptive and over the years he revealed bits and pieces about something really bad I suspect he did. Some of what he said only made sense in terms of forensic methodology - which means asking the WHY of what someone said - not even whether it's true or not. A lie can be just as revealing as a true statement when you analyze WHY the person might have made up the lie - what did it cover?
Anyway, recently his belittling and demeaning of me behind my back, and nasty little things he claimed he "didn't know why he did them" to me made me confront him. He became terrified, saying over and over "I'm quitting, so don't say anything.Just leave."
At that point I realized just how afraid he is of me. He maneuvered to get me kicked out of this organization for "complaining too much". His position there was much more needed than my presence, so I was forced out. Having Borderline Personality Disorder, it sounds crazy, but a part of me still loved him. I started going to his church. partly to see him, partly because I want to go back to church. A couple of weeks ago he noticed me a few pews behind and to the left of him. He only saw me when he turned around to do the "passing of the peace". Then when he sat and turned to face the front again, I never saw a grown man squirm so much.
He kept fiddling with his glasses, covering his mouth with his hand (I've seen him do that once before when I smiled, amused, when he said he "hates liars", knowing he is such a pathological liar.) He knows I can see right through him, and he's afraid I might say what I think he did. He even brought a woman friend (or maybe she was his cousin) to sit in the back of the church and watch me to see if I take notice of him, etc..
I'm just going to the mass now for my own spiritual renewal and just sit a long ways in front of him, so he knows I don't care whether he's there or not. But knowing how much I frighten him, completely turned me off. As a woman. having a grown man so frightened of me is a novel experience, but the ultimate turn-off, which is just what I needed to get completely over him. I can't help feeling though that I would like to study just how his mind works, he is so twisted. Everyone loves him and thinks he's so wonderful. I can tell he is very well-respected in the church, he even was asked by a young kid to pass the offering basket around when the regular person who did it was out sick. If he does approach me after Mass one day to go out for coffee or something, I think I would be tenpted to be his friend, he is such a fascinating specimen of humanity. I never met anyone like him before.
You are correct. I saw their cowardice and they knew it. They set traps to which i did not fall for. They ran because people realised i was not the problem. They were😂
I completely agree with you on this as we come to place value and validate our opinions the narc will lose interest and run because you get to the IDGAF point and can move forward. We are the prize the narc made us forget that during their abuse cycle. Thank once again for validating my thought process and experiences.
This is GOLD. This is EXACTLY what I've started doing with certain family members, and they are giving me space and trying really hard to win me back. At this point I'll accept nothing less than a genuine apology and genuine changed behaviour before I forgive and forget, and if they don't give it then they'll lose me for good.
yep...I exposed my ex narc with proof (screenshots, recorded messages, etc) and he was livid....retaliated by completely slandering me though. but that exposure has made him keep his distance from me because he knows I won't shy away from his abuse.
You are so refreshing. A breath of fresh air, that only recipients of narcissistic crazymaking can understand. Thank you, Scott.
I did exactly as you just said in this video a year ago. it is the holy grail. it works. I was immovable and yet still myself. now, they're terrified of me. I chose actions over words and stuck by that code on my own, and it was just as you said, they just left.
I had the strength to know that these individuals hurt me. without being aggressive I beat them to the punch and I waited for them to make the moves. funny thing, they didn't. that's when I knew. I know I'm a valuable friend and cousin, they know it and I shouldn't need to explain myself. honestly, I pity them that they can't help themselves.
Julie Deluco We just think they hurt us but they really cant hurt us.We can only get hurt if we expect something from them.
These 103 who disliked this video are narcissist. Nice video, keep coming for more, thank you so much and God bless you.
Narcissists are pretty Adept at not disrespecting your boundaries until they get you. For me, I am put off by the first feeling of creepiness. It doesn't mean he's a narcissist it just means I don't want a creepy man. Thank God Not all men are creepy. There is hope for me 👍
Anyone exposed to excessive love bombing in ths beginning would know their fake. Excessive flattery after knowing them for a couple weeks? You dont even really know this person. BIg turn off.
I was thinking this at work last night
I agree! I think "you're the prize" is right on. I definitely see the fear in them when they know you know. I'm outwardly friendly to the ones I can't avoid, mostly at work, but they know I am more trouble than I'm worth as a target. Like chasing a goose, and I'm the goose. They know to stay on the sidewalk. I had seven target me within six months. Work, romance, ex, and an admin at my daughter's school. It took three and work (a team) and one covert romantic to learn to recognize what they are and why they target me. Got my butt kicked, but kicked back harder thanks to educational videos like this one. Healing old trauma was key to not "falling in" to the abuse. One tried to target me at work recently. He did just as you said. He couldn't avoid me for long, but we have a "play nice" unspoken understanding. I actually chuckled to myself that he thought he had a chance. When you "get it" (finally!), it's like having x-ray glasses. Or body-snatcher glasses. You realize how messed up they are. It's tragic at a human level. When you get yourself well, they have no foothold. Brutal-beyond-words lesson with great rewards if you learn it.
I have researched the narc for quite some time now ( having one move next door) and this is the best advice I have listened to as yet. New sub 👍🏻
After being with a Narcissist for nearly three years, I've only just opened my eyes to this character. Been doing lots of research on them and this really is making my decision to 'close the door finally', much easier. Thank You 😚
Honestly 30 years I lived like this not understanding these people my so called family.. left alone and confused 95 percent of the time .when its in a family it start at birth and it never ends it gets worse thur the years.. it becomes a way of life at least for me until I had my own children ..now they r grown and have joined the other 6 in my life.I am the escape goat in my family and its been past down to my kids as grown adults. to realize its not the outside whos your ememy its the ones inside and take pleasure in it.they come thur your door with a beautiful smile with a gift in 1 hand and a dagger in the other.what saddens me most .. my grandchildren children are caught in the middle of all this which they dont understand. its sad I have finally realized these people where never my family.I was the 1 being family to them.a 1 sided relateionship doesnt work at all even haveing the same dna.I wasted alot of years emotionally on these 10 people which left me alone confused and isolated as if I had done something so wrong.they have drained me and my heart and spirit is broken knowing the reality that it never was and the ememy was those inside not on outside...some make believe life I have lived 40 years.im try to hold on but it so hard. hopeing you all find closure and happiness in this sick twisted world and those who you are suppose to find safety in. take care.
Same here Deb; it's worse on the victim when it's family, but it's easier for the family, 'cause they don't have to rein it in. Just be as cutthroat as they want, 'cause it's just little ole YOU! They don't care how much you're hurt; you're nobody...the clincher for me was when one family member they started in on (they got so much practice on me, didn't want to waste it) started telling me all the unbelievable lies told about me behind my back. They told them to fuel the fire, to create that false reality, certainly not for justification of what they're doing-they don't need any! We're going to get over it, in a couple, three years. Later, Deb
Deb Warren
I'm so very sorry for what has happened to you. I understand completely. I too was under the strong delusion that those be people were my family. The honest truth is that they never saw me as more than the scapegoat. Period. What is so screwed is that everyone was in on it. They purposefully kept me in the dark about how they really viewed me. All very one-sided.
How pathetic they are. They are to be pitied. I have some level of compassion for those pitiful creatures. I am overwhelmed with joy and ecstatic with the knowledge that I am not like them. I'd rather be me than them any day of the week. LOL. However they don't give a crap what I think, feel, need or want After all, it's just Tammy. The family scapegoat.
We have lost decades to these simple minded morally bankrupt cultish people. It is time to appreciate that we have awakened to this knowledge. There are our unfortunate brothers and sisters who never come into this knowledge and wake up. They die with the pain of being the scapegoat. Its time to learn how to heal our hearts, minds and spirit. I am forgiving myself for wanting the love of people who were never ever going to love me, accept me and embrace me. The day I finally walked away, I felt a great weight fall off my shoulders and back. I am off to (re)discover who I really am. I am looking. I forward to the journey. The real me must be a uniquely wonderful entity since my FOO has spent a lifetime trying to destroy her.
Good luck to you on your journey of self discovery. Remember. You can never go back. They will only continue there campaign of destruction against you. Be Blessed, Sister.
Sending you much love and strength.. I too was the scapegoat daughter... I don't say wasted years but learning years...once you know better you do better... I went No Contact about 3 years ago..best decision of my life.... I'm 54 and started my life over.... Please consider going No Contact with your family.... isolation is a good thing...it gives you time to get strong and healthy....why give your time and energy to people that Never really cared or loved you...Save yourself...Be the Light and Expose the darkness...May God be with you🙏🙏🙏🙏✌️✌️✌️✌️
@@nailazion2600 amazing how we all thought we were the only ones with stories like this, the more I research and hear other stories I realize how many there are of us...I'm 52 and learned way to late after spending tens of thousands over the years on my evil mom, we lived 2100 miles away from eachother, she wanted to be near me and begged me to move her, I did which cost me thousands, found her a house was paying for the monthly bill, paid phones, TV etc everything then my so called sister and her reunited and long short the next I know I'm smeared she ruined my relationship w the guy I'd been with for years, I ended up losing all I had my home etc bc her and the so called sister thought it would be hilarious to go and file false police reports on me saying I'd neglected her abused u name it they said it......I wish I never helped either of them, I now live in a very small van , going on 2 and a half years now......... I can spot a narc a mile away now...eeks...
I understand completely. I abused since birth. Always trying to please, but never could. I married my mother. Psychologist said, ‘He made me feel right at home.’ I am worthy. I’m very smart. I’m artistic. I’m creative. I’m kind. I don’t need no bull.
Awesome information! I initiated no contact after my epiphany. He must’ve thought I figured him out because he didn’t Hoover and I haven’t heard anything from him. This was 7/2017. It’s been a hard road but I get stronger as time passes and I remain NO CONTACT. I’ve been in counseling since no contact. The realization of it all was what finally gave me strength. I continue to educate myself and practice self caring. Thank you for your channel. Katherine
I tried the passive resistance approach and it only lead to more hurt. The fact that I wasn't reacting made the Narcissist happy! It gave them ammunition to say the most despicable things to me, and they thought I would take it, I become a punishing bag, and I couldn't take it anymore, so I reacted and went in aggressive. The narcissist did recruit its flying monkeys to attack me, the narcissist used my reaction as evidence that I was the abuser and have attacked her, not the other way around. The narcissist did recieve a lot of sympathy, and managed to manipulate her family and they all saw her as the long suffering 'victim', this is when the smear campaign started and I was abused by proxy. My name, character, reputation has been tarnished but I had to fight back in order to protect myself. I did give them a piece of their own medicine, and mirrored their words and behaviour. i realised my silence and non-reactive approach wasn't getting me anyway, although reacting aggressively did cause the narcissist to up its game, but at the end, I felt relief for letting go of all the hurt, rage, anger, resentment and bitterness that was harbouring inside. I don't regret being reactive towards them, they too were shocked and came to the realisation that I was no longer a push over. Sometimes you just have to go toe to toe with the Narcissist, and then shut the door on them permanently. I know in some situation they will harass you, and get others to do the bidding in order to pro-long the abuse, and keep you as their victim, in that case the authority need to be involved.
Genie111 111
I went reactive and he started feeling bad for himself. He said he regrets messing up (even though he is lying to himself) but he started playing the victim and feeling sorry for himself.but I was through with the bullshit Idone. I️t is better to go toe to toe , that keeping quiet to me shows them that you are a coward and letting them walk over you. Never.... you should go toe to toeThey are not nothing but sick insecure individuals. I️ went off and got it out and closed the door. And blocked him until I️ felt he got the picture, hasn’t bothered me since. I️ told him sorry dear your loss. I️ was his #1 narcissistic supply. He kept saying he was going to regret this. You have to give them taste of their own medicine. Narcissists don’t liked to be ignored, I️ can discard one just as quick as they think they can discard. Asta Lavista!
Valencia Miller *!Hasta*
I watched this video again after a year and I still learn from it! Thank you 🙏🏽
That was Brilliant... I have gotten to this place by two key factors. #1 Completely accepting the FACT that their end game is my death and or institutionalization.
#2 Going No Contact FULLY, for a long enough period of time to enable me to Recover Sufficiently and Build Strength. Doing this allowed me to apply all the principals you expounded upon, with extreme prejudice.
"Actions over words." Sooo important--thanks for bringing that up. The problem is that we are reasonable people. We feel like it's good to hash out differences and all that jazz. That doesn't work with narcissists! They don't give a rat's ass about trying to see one another's point of view! So you have to play them at their own game and just get on with your life. Stop trying to defend yourself to them or explain yourself. That creates the dynamic (or perpetuates it is more like it) of them controlling the debate. Don't even argue at all. That just gives them fodder plus it keeps you engaged and investing energy into an energy vampire.
Thank you Scott!!! This is really helpful!! I was also examining every single detail about their behaviour patterns... I was using so much energy and feeling little bit anxious. But now showing little or no emotion works quiet well. That is what I also call the Grey Rock Method... It pisses them off and begin to search for new supplies. They are incredibly coward and pathetic..Peace to us all!!✌️
Only thru your channel I came to know about the term “Narcissist”. That was an eye opener. Earlier I used to wonder what was going around. Now I know the name I explored a lot and found out that I was actually dealing with a Narcissist for almost 20 years.
Thanks for enlightening me. I wish all the victims out there know exactly what is going on with them . Time is precious. The soon they are aware the soon they are out of it. No one should go thru these crazy things .
Overwhelming passive resistance :D I love it! becoming the prize. Perfect!
I love these ideas. This is such a fabulous new angle on the topic and it REALLY resonates with me.
Oh I identify with this vid Scott! I was his prize, and I was under his control for a long time. I backed what he said. Once he began his Grand Scheme, and it began a year before it all went crumbling down, he KNEW that I didn't respond to the words "I'm not trying to control you, I'm trying to make you better!" But I began to go "grey rock" on him, didn't respond the way he expected me to. Oh, I was sharing, and analyzing his words, but with my friends, just not with him, because I knew that would have led to more abuse. Yet, all that analysis, had me paralyzed! I knew it had to end, even though I had invested 17 good years with him. I just didn't know how! His actions spoke volumes! Once he wanted me to involve MY family members, by taking advantage of them, I KNEW this had to end. It drove him crazy with my non-compliance to his Grand Scheme! I didn't even understand that he had NPD, I only knew something was seriously wrong with him mentally, but I found out after he went to jail, by trying to strangle me! Someone suggested that I check into NPD, and your channel. Only then did the pieces fall into place for me. I then knew what I was dealing with. Once he was in jail, I had relief and peace in my life. I had that time to claim my self power back, and saw him for what he really is. Now it's just a matter of finalizing my divorce.
jofish420 you're a smart woman. I did the same thing with my narc without me knowing what he was. And now I have knowledge and I will not tolerate bullshit. Good thing I don't love him anymore
im trying sooo hard, sooo hard. I don't have the energy to talk right now, but just know, its been 15 years of this for me. thank you for this self empowerment
I've listened to your older advice in detail & this is new. To stop focusing on the details, I've realised that they dump there shame & thinking patterns in to our heads, so we mistake there twisted reality for something of our own making. Establishing & Re enforcing patterns in us that may have never even existed beforehand. I've recognised negative reactions when I independently meet friends & family, as I go on trial for an imaginary crime every time I choose to meet with others .
Thank you Scott. This is really hard and almost no one understands who hasn't gone through this and your analysis is sharp and helpful and helps get rid of the anger, which has caused other spouses in the family of my narc husband to either get cancer or end up on psychotropic medication - a coin toss, pretty much. This is no joke.