See that's where I usually mess up, it's like if I don't have proof they don't believe me. And sometimes like I hid that I really loved one and was attracted to him because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship, it's because I felt like I couldn't tell him. He noticed haha and then I told him but ... That was probably the easiest thing to discuss . Everything else it's like if I don't tell him what he wants to hear he gets more mad and wants to shut me out. I sometimes ask myself, how did I fall for a narcissist. And gosh I'm sure if he seen this he'd either deny or get upset... Ugh. We would have the best days and the next day it's like I'm being confronted by a total different person. And , I'm like what the hell could I have possibly done now?!
Her claim of that responsibility pre-requires one to not be traumatized, severely sleep deprived, not isolated in need of contact, not ill needing a doctor ( he is narc).You need to have higher energy levels to stay calm, and say the right thing. I wish for a video for this situation, and of HOW to DO it, not just saying then fact. The how.
You make a good point about energy. This is another tactic that narcs use. They purposely drain us of our energy so we are more likely to react emotionally. This is why the absolute best technique is to go "no contact" if you can.
Your comment "Love to hate you" is so true. When you stop contact it takes their focus off of spending their energy on loving to hate you but while they are loving to hate you they are saying "I love you!" Ahhhh ---- Scary shit! Run away. Protect Yourself. Find love within and send positive vibrations to the universe and your true vibrational match will come. Instead of putting energy towards him/ her (Want you don't want) Ignore him/her and put the focus on what you want (happiness, freedom, friendships, love, etc)
My partner has FINALLY healed after I pointed out his ex was a BIG NARC! She's classic textbook, and thanks to you, he collected all the proof, and has made a point of documenting abusive communications to the police AND his attorney! I too counsel people in dysfunctional families on how to live with, deal with, or restrain narcissists when they are FORCED to deal with them when children are involved. So far, he's learned to predict the reactions to his refusal to respond, defend himself, etc. He now collects it all, and is waiting for her to stop dragging her feet in Court. Now SHE is the one who is walking on eggshells and is unable to realize that is exactly what is happening. BTW, I moved in to protect his home from her illegally entering ever again. Yup! Documented and police sent to physically let her know. As expected, she hasnt stopped.
M Reese omg.... dead on!! Literally, EXACTLY ACCURATE TO A T- ..... constantly what my baby father does to me. I’m like. “Wait. Wtf??? Am I missing something?? 😒 “
The video did not state or imply that people don't ever have mental health issues that need addressing. I know a few people with diagnosed mental health issues who fail to recognize those issues, even when taking their meds. I wish you the best, and don't use this video, or any video, to dismiss any suspicions you have. If your "questions" return or persist, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. Best regards.
I feel the same dear! I'm so happy for all the people here who didn't just sit there and blame themselves but actually did a research and found out that they were not wrong
Rica The Hopeful Voluntarist you betcha! That's one of best gifts ever. I hope more folks begin to understand the importance of not needing or caring what the narcissist does or says.
+Kim McLeod It's so difficult with family. I'm fairly new to these videos but this one resonated with me in ways that only someone who deals with this type of person can understand. The thing about these types of narcissicists- who use alienation as a weapon against a person who has not harmed them in any way- is that they always come back, seeking some form of relationship. I fall for it every time because I love them.
Rica The Hopeful Voluntarist yeah, that is a cycle that's tough to break, but once you come to terms with what the alienation is (a manipulation tactic only) and you begin to value yourself as deserving so much more, whatever the narcissist does won't matter. Believe me, they aren't worth it. They don't love anyone anyway, they only love manipulating someone; therefore, they do not deserve to have anyone love them.
Just what I told my son the other day when he was arguing with his girlfriend was:' son wanna be happy or right?' . His response to me was' mom from now on I'm a happy happy camper' 😂 they're 16... I ended with my narc and never made a better choice. I got sucked in quickly but am very blessed with my strong support system of friends and family. And I went Grey Rock. No power supply from me! Ran into his ex and we're helping her to recover as well. Our narc is running on an empty fuel tank lately. Drives him crazy, but as for me : I love me more and don't care about him anymore... Get real friends who support you, and most of all:listen to your own guts. If something feels wrong it usually is! I love your videos. New subscriber here. Thank you for helping with this useful Information.
Thanks Meredith I need to be reminded that narcissists LOVE to get you to behave below your Integrity. Silence and no contact is the best and only answer
Practicing silence has taken tremendous discipline for me. When someone says something hurtful or insulting, it's natural to want to fight back and defend. Next time my narc family member tries to provoke a negative reaction, I will not take the bait even if it means hiding my hurt feelings!
The funny thing is too: the quieter you go, the more they chase. They CRAVE that reaction from you, and may even turn the tables and become 'nice' again, to get you to respond. Don't fall for it! Learn to have the same response no matter what they are saying or doing ☺☺☺
dlw sport totally true I do this too very low contact with my Narc mother. She constantly tries to ruffle my feathers if we run into each other. Eggh I repeat this to myself as well. Then come home and bitch to my husband lol
Staying away from the narcissist is the best way to inoculate myself. And this takes listening to the inner nudges Re. Who I’m dealing with. The signs are usually there right from the start.
Once you are aware that they are a narcissist, just leave! Forget about response vs. react, and other such techniques to counter the narcissist, just go! If you stay in the narcissist's game without playing by their rules, they will burn you or they will discard you. Its simple, as soon as you know, you go!
I agree unless you work with them. I currently work with 2 covert narcs and have for the last 8 years. I worked with another one who lied about me and almost cost me my job the only reason it didn't is because the guys job I got was fired because she accused him of sexual harassment. I just had an interaction with the 2 narcs where I currently work. I was baited and took the bait and reacted to this asshole doing what these assholes do best and I'm trying not to beat myself up. They are double teaming me and I really need to stop reacting and come up with a strategy. I'm trying to look at this as a challenge that can help me to be emotionally sober and learn not to react as Meredith was saying. This is a life skill which I need to to master or these assholes and ones like them will always own me by my reactions. I go no contact, grey rock whenever possible but I just always have to be aware of the baiting. God these people are so fucked up. The one guy is 65 years old fat fuck and he has to do this shit to feel good about himself. Unfreaking believable. My narc brother just died 2 months ago and he left so much destruction with 2 wives and 3 daughters behind him. He did get some payback and did some jail time for screwing with a lawyer, he tried this shit with the wrong person and was just about to do some more time before he died, cause the rules don't apply to him. By dying he saved himself 3-6 months in jail. I didn't shed a tear as he made my life very difficult growing up and I only figured out he had NPD 5 years ago and then everything made sense, same with the women I divorced, I finally figured out she was a covert narc as well. These people and aspd are definitely 10% of the population and I don't believe that males make up the higher percentage of these unfortunate people. The NPD/ASPD females are just better at hiding it. These "people" are everywhere. I have to deal with more than my share of them. Apparently the universe thinks I need to do more work on myself and has placed these people here as my teachers.
Unfortunately many of these people you have to work with so you can't just leave. I think you're best bet in that situation is to arm yourself with knowledge on how these people work so you can beat them at their own game. Once you figure out how they operate you are able to protect yourself. When they realize they can't get narcissistic supply from you they'll move on.
I don't understand people that say "just walk away". Apparently, they have never been in this situation. God bless their soul if they ever do. To those people giving advice on a whim, educate yourselves before giving that advice. There are all sorts of sources and topics for you to read, listen to, watch, and/or study. Do not make the victim feel they are weak and just tell them to leave, that will only make them feel worse about themselves. I've been through the manipulation, trauma bond, love bombing, gaslighting, etc. It IS NOT easy to just leave.
angi co We have been in that situation and we know how it feels.We just know its not worth it thats why i say walk away.There's no need to waste time on people who don't have respect towards you.
In one of my worst moments of my life, exactly when I needed support, my mother, started with her usuals attacks. I said stop. Don’t speak to me like this. Results: she got angry as crazy. Since then, 3 years, we are 0 contact. Is sad , but she’ll never change, and I don’t need more of this in my life.
THE BEST VIDEO ON THIS SUBJECT EVER! Hit the nail right on the head with my last relationship. I don't see her as evil anymore, but simply damaged and it's not my responsibility to fix her.
Omg, He says this annoying shit to me all the time. Especially if he hadn't seen me until the end of the day. And it CONFUSED the hell outta me before I figured out what was really going on! "Are you okay are you feeling okay? Are you sick?" Lie lie lie. So LIE back to him!
Cad Red my husband gets mad at me. Won’t tell me why. Just acts hateful. I finally break & say you are mad at me bc you did these things. And he will smile & say, see. Your the mad one. Look at all the silly things your mad about. But I wasn’t mad. I finally got frustrated by the silent treatment mixed with passive aggressiveness.
Stacey Marrone your not alone. even though I knew the horrible things he was saying where not true I felt the need to keep defending myself until I took a good look at the situation and realized the things he was saying about me where actually true about him. the last communication I sent to him stated" I accept your flawed opinion of me and your right to feel and believe whatever you choose to". that was almost 3 months ago and I have not responded to anything since then and I am started to heal.
When I was doing that overanalyzing rumination, I had to pull myself out by becoming aware just how exhausting it was to defend myself. I started noticing how heavy it felt in my body, the tension in my head, the clenching jaw, the stiff neck... then the paralyzing plague of self-doubt. The more you practice the mindfulness of it, the quicker you'll catch yourself and manually change gears. Remember, what you focus on grows in your life so choose only what you want to grow!
+Inner Integration So true especially the exhausted self that is in defense mode. It's been so freeing just being me. It's not to say it has been easy but the result is so worth the work. Clinched jaws and back spasms are finally relaxing . This is s whole new wonderful world. Much appreciated and life changing. Thank you.
i get soooooo defensive i threw my phone after i thought he was putting me down..he was making a good point but i was so wound up by then and then he reacted cuz he thought i threw it at him..i didnt but he got on top sooo fast with hands around my neck im shaken he tried to talk over it but that is both of us responding in a toxic fashion
It must be a sign of our times. People are becoming so fake, and so obsessed with status and consumerism. Its all about feeding the hunger to consume, and people end up consuming each other - objectifying each other. It really is an issue. I just want to be around people that are real and genuine and who feel secure with me.
Craig Beaver hey man. Saw your reply and wanted to say hello. Mate i went through something similar. Narcissist people are everywhere. And they always want to ruin kind trusting people. Happens to guys. Alot of women talk about it. Anyways. Hope you are well and found peace. Robert
I've read some experts estimate 2% of the population are Narcissists. They are everywhere. Out of every 50 people we've each encountered in our life, one of them has been a Narcissist. All of Cluster B probably makes up a frightening percent. I've met more than my fair share, unfortunately. You are absolutely, definitely not alone.
Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? Amen, I cant wait to say that to myself. I have confidence I will choose happiness once again. Thank you!!!
That's a great phrase to remember- Be right, or Be happy!? The narcissists in my life "right fight" all the time. It's practically an act of war to disagree. I'm an intelligent woman, I try to remember it has nothing to do with that. It's about mindfulness! Those around me are affected by how I react to him, I used to disappear. I'd get upset, feel he was right, and was so unhappy I couldn't be there for anyone. That's unacceptable. I have to "play the tape through to the end," as they say. I was taught once to pray to my higher power that they succeed & receive all they've ever wanted. What an interesting outcome. It teaches me forgiveness, softens me. While allowing me to see them clearly. But to never lose my empathy-not to forget. He's one of the closest people to me, his parents & sister, all narcissists. I've crowned the sister Queen of All Narcissists. It's true, so much of this is about my need to defend myself, trying to get them to understand. They'll never change. As you said, I have to put my own ego aside. Maintaining spirituality is difficult, but, it's important to me to strive be a better person. The suggestions you give are such great tools for spiritual discipline & enlightenment, as well as dealing w/ narcissists. They do slander, they provoke. But, I've known the embarrassment of reacting, then becoming the bad guy. He likes to tape arguments...I can't go through that again. Thank you for the tools! Invaluable information!
I refuse to LIE to satisfy the lie they believe about me. However some of my happiest days have been with a narcissist but my saddest followed. It's like they are two different people. One day all is great, the next all hell breaks loose.
Excellent video. I'm telling my wife today, I no longer want to communicate or deal with her. This cycle of abuse has to stop. Especially when they turn around and play victim
Yes, I've found it's better to quietly get away. I could respond, respond... Yet I eventually would react when tired, hungry or they just kept it up longer than I could handle. I think the majority of people trapped in with a narcissist come from more difficult childhoods so we're not as well equipped to handle them. That's why they are with us and not somebody who's better equipped to handle them. Those people don't get into the trap for as long a time. They are also not as wanted by the clever narc.
Same here. She finally got her reason to leave too. Whats weird is she had a bf in 4 days and they are all over soc-med. Looking redic imo bc I know who he will be dealing with in a week or 2. She will start by falling through on plans, then no text or returning calls, then she's back like nothing ever happened at all dodging the issue at hand....
Yup. That’s why silence is golden. No reaction. They are left to themselves when we won’t engage. There is absolutely no winning with a narcissist except to not react to any of their BS.
Yeah, if you know yourself there's no need to apologize (I typically refrain from saying I am sorry to a narcissist) for something that you know you aren't and/or didn't do. It's best to hold your ground with these people by walking away, going no contact or whatevet method that doesn't feed them supply.
Alethia Sykes, Actually, I don't think they even notice it, unless they haven't been able to replace the suply they got from you. In that case, they will come back for more.
Kim McLeod So do you think saying "That's a shame (or unfortunate) you feel that way" is along the lines of not apologising? My stepdad is a narcissistic person, and my mum is disabled and it's hard for her not to react to him because he is constantly putting her down (although he has cheated multiple times), If we say "sorry you feel that way" he really attacks that and says stuff like "You're not sorry" blah blah, it's all about him. I'm trying to find a way to deal with this until I can afford a house for my me and my mum. Thanks ^^
Oh, that's their all time favorite: "Calm Down." The narc's mantra. Push your buttons to the extreme, get the desired reaction, THEN tell you to "Calm Down." Makes you want to literally STRANGLE THEM. ; l Another thing I've had one do to me (my husband) is to YELL AT ME TO STOP YELLING AT HIM AND DISRESPECTING HIM right after I CALMLY and RESPECTFULLY told him how I felt about a disagreement we were having. You can't make this stuff up.
Omg they always say that shit. Nice to see it’s a classic go-to for them. I know someone who does this. Meanwhile they’re the ones that are lacking calm.
You can't say it calm enough. I'd say a well thought out response with attention to my tone and cadence only to get a, "why are you yelling at me?" I could literally whisper and this would happen because if I said, " I'm not yelling, I'm trying to explain..." Then, the "you're always so mean to me" this or that and we are off to the game they love to play.
Had an awareness that ANY comment made me feel like the child who was blamed and made wrong. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Don't need to defend myself. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. Thanks, Meredith. Learning to lift myself and live positively. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Talking is feeding the Narc. Talking is giving them too much. Don't give them ANYTHING more! No more talking, no venting, no more expressing, no explaining, no more! Don't not give them any closure. The best way to keep your sanity and the best revenge is ignoring them.
PTSD makes it impossible to react how you would like. I had to cut nearly all my old friends and relatives out of my life because they were conditioned to think you "win" by making the other person more angry and more irrational.
your ptsd symptoms never respond to a situation. your ptsd symptoms respond to your perception of a situation. change how you perceive the incoming data, and presto, no attack. that is your point of power.
The second you start defending yourself, bam! Youre on trial now. And it's their show of guilty until proven innocent (which means grovelling and still never being off the hook, no matter how long it takes for them to get finished with it all). Thank you again.
And that really does suck but our feelings are our feelings. I'm have such painful reactions. I'm the one who's struggling and in pain here so this is my problem. To say that I have a problem however is not to say that I'm wrong or to blame or at fault. Who has the problem is not a question for guilt or culpability. The one who has the problem is simply the one who is dissatisfied with or trouble by a particular situation. And what is my problem? My problem is that I can't sort out particular questions in my mind. (from a great book called The Dance of Anger)
The question is what happens if we don´t defend ourselves from such. The answer to that question explains why we stand on our guard. And the way of defense, tells whether we are reacting or over-reacting. I guess, the word is over-reaction and not reaction. We can´t be passive and allow violence exhibited upon us.. We need to understand that we have to do with perpetrators: egoistic, sadistic, evil and mean people who feed on one either materially or emotionally, cognitively. We must cut the bounds as soon as possible with such.
Defending ourselves in a discussion with a narcissist is always going to end with you exausted, and frustrated, because they will never accept that you are right. You don't have to justify youself to people like this. So, play the "gray rock" and plan your escape.
It's funny that after years of being with a narcissist I figured this out too, I realized that the less I reacted to his trying to trigger fights the stronger I have gotten and the smaller and weaker he becomes to me. Thank you for the reassurance that my actions are right now if I can only figure out how to start making more money so I can move out of his house.
Linda Nelson hears the hard thing knowing they have a mental problem that cant be fixed like a cancer . What if u have somthing simaler that cant be fixed also . I know ita hard but something to think about
Who wants to wager that the 552 thumbs down are all narcissist? Hahaha! I love your videos Inner Integration!! You are amazing and have been so helpful to me!! Thank you!
I wish I has seen this video sooner. The narc had deeply hurt me and for months I tried to control my responses until one day my limit had exceeded and he pushed my buttons. I stated off in a soft voice with tears and ended up screaming so loud I scared myself. My punishment for this outburst was 4 months of the silent treatment. Lesson learned! We will be divorced next month and I have this email all ready to send about how bad he hurt me, but after watching this, I won't send it. Thank you :)
Good GOod ! yes dont feed the narcs. They love emails. You know what they are ,thats all you need and now you can protect yourself from any others showing up. You can recognize them fast and know how to deal with them now. Good luck in your divorce. Get your attorney brushed up on Narc behaviors, it helps !
Don't ever blame yourself for being abused. You aren't responsible for someone else's behavior because narcs are out of control. Nothing you do can make them stop unless you leave them no matter how polite and civil you are towards them.
Don't ever blame yourself for being abused. You aren't responsible for someone else's behavior- narcs are out of control people who stop at nothing. Abusers love to tell you it's your fault that you provoked them because they are pathetic cowards who avoid personal accountability. Nothing you do can prevent them from attacking unless you leave them and go no contact. Being calm and civil only buys you time to escape from their evil claws.
Honestly my knee jerk reaction is to kill him. Not that I'd do it but..To let him be disgustingly stupid and controlling without it being acknowledged is beyond me. I'm not happy in not saying something. Clearly I need to work on things.
Roberta Mathers I so hear you....feel the same way. It is so incredibly hard letting them get away with it! I'm swallowing and biting my tongue for about 90% of the time, which is incredibly hard and really just ends up eating you up inside and making you sick. Emotionally, mentally and physically. So whether you react or not, you loose...
Jennie Lee how can you feel happy when someone is labeling you in person and to friends and family as a crazy person? I keep thinking I can stop defending myself and then I cant. Then I feel crazy. It makes me sick.
I'm surrounded by borderline personality disordered people, and toxic interaction and entitlement. The gas lighting is unbelievable. I'm just now understanding what it is and now I get over things more quickly. But thank you for your tips. I'm cleaning house of my narc family, friends, relationships, and seeking healthy people with whom to interact.
I have borderline personality disorder and I am the opposite... Helping people and cheerful and trying to get others to empower one another. I get bullied a lot.
I deal with these kinds of people as well, I live with them in fact. I can't change the situation but I can change my reaction. It's hard and I struggle constantly to not get caught up in the emotions others are trying to project on me. Oh it's HARD. I'm glad I'm not alone in this and that there are people who have found ways of dealing with it. I just hope my life hasn't passed me by before things do change.
Yes I remember my most recent narc ex used to do the same. He'd text the most horrific thing, later deny he'd ever sent it, then when I'd show him the evidence, he'd giggle and find it funny. But when I persisted in my disgust and anger, he'd then suddenly get aggressive and abusive
Do not give them the supply!!! Our freedom ... it's our choice. Set aside our ego. Don't start defending yourself. Rinse and repeat ... I think I need to listen to this video 3x a week.
This advice is excellent for dealing with bullies as well. I have one at work and this is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you. Bullies like to sniff out who they can push around, and maybe because of our demeanor (those raised by an abusive parent or parents) we make easy targets. Bless you and keep on doing wonderful things.
Bullies are narcs in the workplace or school... don't think they aren't narcs, just in a different setting. Take the high road, do your job and do NOT let them provoke you, but keep files to provide proof of their abuse where possible. A former coworker and I had two narcs who were team leads gang up on us to try to make our and other's lives miserable... one finally left for a higher position, the other ended up being seen for what she was by our boss when we gave him the proof of what had been going on. If you don't have documentation, it didn't happen... I worked for a fortune 500 company and they are rife with narcs, the higher the level, the more narcs will be found. Narcs will step on anyone's neck to advance professionally, they dont' care who's throat they slit to achieve success.
This video is 💯 spot on. I am in the middle of breaking up with a narcissistic woman I've been in a relationship with for nearly 10yrs, and you basically described all her traits/tactics with chilling accuracy. As an example, she'd often call or text me at work about really trivial things. I work in IT and travel around to customer sites so I need to be able to concentrate on a task, especially if I'm with a customer and have a deadline. I would tell her in advance when I'd be on a customer site and couldn't be disturbed but she would blow up my phone anyway. When I reminded her I was busy, she'd deflect and make it about how my tone hurt her feelings but would NEVER apologise for deliberately distracting me at work. She'd also frequently accuse me of things I don't do just as you mentioned, and I'd fall into the trap of trying to defend myself, not that it made any difference whatsoever as she'd just continue to slander me again next time we had an argument. Also, as you mention, simply disagreeing with her would provoke an argument. This made it very difficult to discuss important matters because unless I was saying yes to her fanciful, poorly thought out ideas (that typically involved wasting money), then it would just turn into an argument. After a while, you cope with this by avoiding important conversations altogether, which is obviously not healthy.
My narcissist ex-spouse put me through this, countless times. Caught in multiple lies, he'd try to sidetrack me in cul-de-sacs of false accusations. Eg., when it became clear that he'd been lying for months about our finances, he countered with "You're the liar!" Asked what I had ever lied to him about, he hesitated, then said triumphantly "Last Wednesday! So don't be calling ME the liar!" What he was referring to was that I had thrown him a surprise birthday party - like that kind of secrecy qualifies as malicious lying. In his mind, this cancelled out his wrongdoing. In his mind, the problem was never what he had done (from infidelity to stealing). The problem was that I had found out, and was upset. This was inconvenient for him. For me, it was a bit like having the person who stabs you complain that you're bleeding on their precious carpet.
tamething1 smh...the carpet...damn good example. Narcs can eat shit n die twice...nxt time for good plz..cause Narcs are already the WALKING DEAD. I PROMISE...those who have never been involved with a lying ass hypocritical Narc will neva understand this..shit aint a joke yall. Im not into religion..i Am into my relationship wit the Creator..Rev 18- 2...its the truth!😒
Joyce Theobald i so understand, my sister & i used to run and lock our bedroom doors when we'd hear the god awful sound of the garage door opening, which depending on how dad stomped up the steps depicted name calling, or being hit. now when my husband gets pissy, i go into my bedroom and put on my headphones, i wish i had happiness, ive never known true happiness
K Anderson wow...all these comments are making me bawl my eyes out. I thought I was the only one on this earth and nobody could ever relate... I so much hear you.... :"( I know I'll never get to experience true happiness in my life either. It's like my step dad and mother high fived my husband and told him to take it from here. My husband makes me feel just like I did as a child growing up in an incredibly emotionally, verbally and physically abusive broken home. They do say you end up in the type of relationships that are representative of your childhood, and that is painfully true....
I reacted for 11 yrs. I rarely was able to respond. I spent too many years regretting my reactions. if I knew then what I know now...I may have had half a chance. thankfully I'm out of that mess. But I learned a lot about myself and I hope I never forget and am able to do what's right for myself in my now and in my future.
My narc is a master at this , provoking emotions & reactions from me. Thank you so much for your insight and sharing your knowledge ,, it is helping me.
THE best way to handle this is CHANGE your number and stop all contact with these people because their MAIN goal is to destroy your happiness and take away your PEACE....... dont fall for their trap, even if its your own parent dont give them the power to destroy your life. I have a NM and I stopped contact for over a year and its been the BEST decision I ever made!!!! Just forgive them in your heart, and pray for them but stop alllllllll contact.
Idk if I did wrong or right haha. But I'm good at having narcissist block and run from me. For one I refuse to lie to satisfy their false accusations about me. I refuse to allow them to disrespect me. I pray and forgive them and I've asked for forgiveness for lashing back. I've made my attempts at peace , and choice to not let them destroy what I had with other people before they entered my life. I've made it clear, they will not control who God made me to be but also Thank them for how God used them to help me too. And I continue my friendships before they entered my life. I am humble but I refuse to bow to anyone but God. And if I marry , submission is not about control it's about being humble the peacemaker and choosing love and forgiveness and moving forward as a team. I decided i will be cherished . I will be respected. And if someone cannot see the great imperfect but loyal person I am, THEIR LOSS. Whether it be as a friend or more, or family etc... I refuse to live or tell a lie to satisfy anyone's deception of me. 💯
Florida Girl my mother and step mother are both narcissistic and I’ve gotten rid of the stepmom problem. I’ve learned to limit my time with my birth mother. The more I heal myself and create more income for myself the less ill be dependent on my mom helping with my son and then I can be free 🙌🏾.
i cut off contact from both toxic parents (father is a toxic alcoholic, & mothers a sociopath) only regret is not cutting off contact yrs ago. its less drama & stress
K Anderson ... I've done the same but one key element is forgiveness. FORGIVE them for what they are and the things they've done. Otherwise, we will hang on to the bad energy that was created in us and will carry it around with us. Forgiveness is for us not them. Forgive but Never forget. Forgiveness sets it free from us.
Chantel Baldwin You are right, i have to forgive, but how do we do that (I'm being serious)? do we just say the words? or do I say they're sick? because I still have alot of anger
K Anderson I say I forgive you because you weren't good enough or smart enough to treat me better. I forgive you but I still don't like you, don't care for your type and I really don't care to be around you. LOL. It's harsh but hey that's what they get and it's Soooo true. I feel great knowing this and when ever I try to give them the benefit of the doubt I realize I was 100% correct when I give these demon clans an inch and they take 10 miles. Simple for me. And I'm speaking of my mother and all her flying monkeys. Very simple.
Carmelwine I love it!! the last thing I said to my mother was "you're very sick and you won't get help, dont come back or you'll go to jail" that's worked so far, lol
K Anderson LOL 😂😂😂.I'm sure that horrified her and she swore you were crazy for standing up to her that way. Their not just backsick their front and top sick too. 😕 SMH.
Thx. Good advice. I just told my narcissist on the phone that what she said (unjustified criticism) made me feel uncomfortable and that I couldn't speak to her right now. She laughed. I hung up. It was the only way.
You really helped me see things in a different perspective.. I grew up with so much anger.. Who ever tried to attack me I'd react in ways id regret later on because I'm naturally a soft spoken person n soft hearted person.. Thank you for your insightfullness.
Love, Respect, have integrity, know your worth, value your amazing self, and don't fall for their BS .. Get off that emotional freaking Rollercoaster.. Its very liberating when you say "No".. you can't ever have a grown-up, mature and productive conversation cuz its always short lived.. Just STOP Engaging.. You Make your own Happiness.. love your beautiful and amazing self.. 💖💗
You are sooooo right....my narc started playing games the other day and I just laughed and shut her right down....she quickly moved on the new supply (her ex) , wrote to me and ripped me from all ends , and has hopefully moved on...I feel bad for her illness, but not enough to let her abuse me anymore.....2018 is going to be a great year....AWAY FROM MY NARC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not an illness, it's a personality disorder which means they know what they are doing and make choices to hurt others. Sorry, but the illness excuse does not apply ☺
It's amazing to hear certain things like their misdirection tactics articulated. Until one experiences a narc, it's impossible to relate to this. One would say, so, it's just a misdirection, get back on track. It's mind blowing how narcs are a cookie-cutter mold for the most part.
A. Ray: Narcs are controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality. Just like (true, not phony) Christians have the Holy Spirit, narcs have a Demonic Spirit. I know it's not "politically correct" but I don't care. It's still the TRUTH.
no doubt. i even told my narc when the apex of the insanity was unfolding to calm his demons. It was not figurative. It was as if a demon was running him on auto pilot.
+Reese Daniel - you say "narc's are controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality." That's ridiculous and it's unfair. An adult narc has the emotional age/maturity of a child, and that's how they act: like emotionally immature children . All the narc behaviours that we are all so familiar with, that YOU are describing as 'demonic' - those behaviours are merely the behaviours of a person who has not progressed, and who cannot progress, past childhood to emotionally mature adulthood. That is basically what narcissism is, an 'adult' physically / a 'child' emotionally. They have never grown past a certain age emotionally. And that is not their fault, they were not born that way and they certainly did not invite demons in. This is almost always the fault of the role modelling / parenting they received as innocent children, from either a) inadequate, overly-strict or abusive parents/caregivers, or from b) over-spoiling, put-the-child-on-a-pedestal, parents/caregivers. The word 'spoil (verb)' means amongst other things 'to cause damage to' and 'to weaken the character of'. These were innocent children who had life-long-lasting 'damage caused to them' by inadequate parents/ caretakers and role modelling. They do not have a *Demonic Spirit* , they have *Emotional Immaturity* !! They are not 'controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality' - they are controlled by their immature impulses, which we were ALL born with and which we were ALL controlled by at one point, but which with the help and guidance and mature role-modelling of our adult caregivers, most of us matured beyond. Narcs are emotionally-young children, trapped in adult bodies, and this is no fault of their own. (If we all understood and recognised this, we might not so easily be fooled or victimised by narcs). Leave the self-righteous 'Holy Spirit' and 'Demonic Spirits' out of this!
And in becoming a peacemaker, you may be able to help your family members and friends that are narcs to see that sin in their lives so they can learn they have it and can confess to our Father Yahweh through Jesus Christ. Our families and friends are worth it. They are worth it for me to mortify the sins that cause me to react wrongly and to argue with them. Most of the stuff argued about is meaningless and petty anyway. I don't want to do anything that could cause them to not be in the Kingdom of Heaven/God or not to want be.
my narcissist just left because I wrote him a beautiful closure letter ..he couldn't believe my kindness and hasn't contacted me..he didn't get the reaction he wanted
Hahahahaha!! I just did this. No anger in my letter. My own closure, and clearly stating I was aware that he most likely wouldn’t respond or provide closure but that I didn’t need it, because I knew, within that letter, my thoughts, intentions and character were clear and I could move forward with no more doubt or what-ifs. 24 hours later, he unfriended me on FB 😂😂 the trash took itself out. I blocked him, deleted all his contact info, all the pictures, dropped all his stuff at his doorstep in the middle of the night so there was no chance of seeing him. He didn’t have a reason to contact me again to get his things etc. as for my belongings, I mentioned them before when he first pulled the silent treatment/disengagement crap. He isn’t acknowledging it. Not responding to my message, removing himself from my social media etc.. makes it to where I have to work harder to contact him and of course, since I want my things, why wouldn’t I? Guess what? Lol I chalked that up as a loss to the game. All but a few things are replaceable. Lesson learned. I am well aware that I will hear from him at some point about these items, I will not be responding. He may as well burn them. Thank god it only took me 8 weeks to catch this nonsense. I spent my 20’s married to, stuck to this garbage. Broke out. Spent years single. Gained my confidence back. Overconfidence allowed me to fall for the love bombing. The good thing is that I learned from my past and didn’t respond to the games he played after he showed the first cycle. Write the letter, free yourself. Don’t worry about not winning since I’m the end, cutting your own strings is the ultimate victory ☺️
Charlene Forté ohh no. I’m so sorry to hear that. 😓 I’m sure by now you know at least the cycle. It’s NEVER too late to stop playing. The shame is awful. But, you know how to take your power back. You always have the option to take your power back. Every time they do this, we see them a little bit more for who they are and we should be getting a little bit stronger. How are you doing today?
Charlene Forté thankfully he didn’t meet them. Sounds like you just are dealing with the result of depression. It’s a part of the process. It’s also a cycle. You’re human. Your kids will understand one day. Just try to put your best foot forward with them everyday. We always make mistakes. It’s ok. Just keep trying to get it a little better the next time.
Charlene Forté - I would go to a therapist intensively in the beginning only about this relation, and let the therapist know what I want to get over from; until I would feel better... Then, I would apologize to my children and explain that it isn't them I was angry with, and that they did nothing wrong. I guess you need to separate from him, not only physically and materially; but, also emotionally and intelectually. Get him out of the territory.... Setting correctly and fully the boundaries, helps one start self-healing and it makes change of the emotional status: from emotional dependency, to emotional independency and more ingegrity. Love!!!
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" and about "letting the ego go". My narcissist put that exact saying as his status on Facebook, almost a year ago. Watching this video is the only other time I have heard that exact phrase.
TRUTH. I have gone gray rock. My responses are very clear and to the point only about the children and I never respond to anything other than what is to do with our children . I do not give her any fuel no matter what she says to me. This works everything you explain is spot on. Thank you.
Now I have to figure out how to help my children whom she keeps from me they are 1 and 3. I feel so bad for them there isnt anything I can do shes moved them 3 times since I left her. I know I just have to be there to pick up the pieces
These monsters need to stop breeding. They should all be castrated or spayed. They are going to overtake the human race if we don't stop breeding with them!
THE 1 don’t give up. I have the same problem. They will keep you from your children as much as they can. Just get a lawyer and say she is unstable moving the kids around and you may get custody and stop paying child support. You may even get the judge to make her pay child support if you get custody.
The 1 The ex has big money and the court refused to look at all the violence and abuse, the bf narc assisted in my son being removed from my care. Stalked me, broke into my home, gas lit me and more! All assisted in the evil events and continue to prevent me from getting a job, because they all work in collusion. I finally had to sell and move but just found out he is still around and in contact with the owner who I rent from. He just contacted me when he was advised that I may be moving. He sent a text using the "pet name" he used to call me I waited three weeks before sending a text who is this? Two hours later he sends the wow sweet nothings and his location an hour later I responded Think you have the wrong number. I know he knows but am sure he feels he can worm his way back! These are more than just twisted perps as described in the bible they may look like us but have not the same spirit! The coined the term narcissistic to cover the lack of all human characteristics! From what I read they now want to remove this off the mental health table because their is no cure yet leave the victims of these non human entities on so they can promote that it is us that have a mental illness! There is more to this than most think! The bigger picture is they do feed off us, they are not God's children! This is a spiritual battle and their god is not God Almighty but the one that promotes one to do what feels good at what ever the cost to whom ever! I am sure he will retaliate for the lack of the response he needed, but that is on him. I know he is part of me losing everything as his need for vengeance at the perceived slights when I have a right to choose what I want in my life! I don't want an alcoholic drug addict who feels the need to possess me! I am now free and will remain this way until I die or Jesus returns! Shalom
THE 1 You need a lawyer. She can't legally get away with keeping you from your kids. There's got to be reasonable cause and it's got to be really bad. Not sure what state or the laws in which you are at. But in Florida they don't want the kids separated from either parents unless they reasons and proof.
you are the first person I ever watched about what narcissism is a year ago when I had broken up with my narc of 6 years. I'm so happy to say that a year later I'm 100% narcissist free!! 100% no contact! it didn't happen over night and it wasn't easy but I took it day by day until I finally broke the addiction. on my weak days I would watch these videos to remind myself of why I shouldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth and to never go back. my life is so much better now. and I've heard that him and the girl he cheated on me with live together.... down the street from me, mind you. he decided to move in right next to me knowing where I live. clearly still trying to have some type of power over me in some way even though I have absolutely no contact with him. but I do know that he's playing the same narcissistic games with the new girl that he played with me. so happy to be out of that! a year ago I never thought I could be this happy and feel this good without him in my life, let alone being single, but I am! I can sleep in peace now. no more anxiety, no more constant checking my phone, no more fighting, no more BULLSHIT! if you are still in it, please be strong enough to let go! it's hard but you can do it!!! and I promise you, your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!! thank you so much for helping me!!
Amto 87 bravo for you you're right it can be a very very challenging journey but it's so worth it in the end and I am very happy to hear that you're having a beautifully blessed positive peaceful life now we underestimate how valuable that really is until we fully have it cheers
Amto 87 wtf is it with these losers frm hell???? he lives dwn the street ????? the sorry Narc i flushed stays less than 25 mins away now........Really???? are they on some dumb shit like....hmmm, u cant get rid of me or what....creepy and immature😶
I've always done my best to not react to the narcissist, but last night it seemed that getting angry caused a huge break through. When I said how I felt in a text. I felt in that In his response he trying to change my reality, I got soooo angry!! It seemed to trigger the unexpressed anger I've held toward him for years and I suddenly saw the entire relationship differently. I immediately blocked him from everything, when I did this I felt he lost his hold on me. I woke up feeling lighter and more like myself.
I have a sister in law who is a narcissist and psychopath. I made myself her target when I called her out. This is before learning all this info. I stay away from her. However, yesterday she spotted me at a local pharmacy and began car chasing me. I was pretty frightened yet managed to lose her. Thanks for this info.
I also have a narcissist SIL. It took me over 36 years to figure out that was her problem. Now I am doing all the research I can to help myself. Thank you so much for this video about not being on the defensive and being responsible for my own feelings and reactions. I don't however agree that we can control our initial internal emotional reaction. Only with diligent practice, which I will do. I see her almost every day. I ride in the back seat of the car with her almost every morning. I envision a plexiglass screen between the front and back seats, and do my best to remain quiet. The less I say and draw attention to myself, the better. I will no longer try to defend myself. That bit of advice was the best I have heard. Thank you so much!
Um you know you can report those antics to the police ? My sis in law robbed our house. I called the police on her. The family was in an uproar for holding her accountable. Guess what ? She does not rob my house anymore. And the family learned not to mess with me. Would you take it from a stranger ? of course not. Start building your case.
So true. My dad was great with me when I was a child. As soon as I started saying no his anger exploded. This explains why I had trouble saying no to people later on..
I've done that too! I'm a professional musician and, at the time I was able to stand there and let the person give me their blah, blah, blah. Once he took a breath, I exploded in song. The narc in this incident just stood there like a deer in stadium lights-not headlights! Loved it! Glad to know someone else uses this. That's awesome!
my narc mother always pushed me further and further (telling me all the bad things I am and I have caused, according to her, like their divorce, when I was 10..), she didn't stop, never stopped, followed me through the house.... UNTIL I would REACT and shout back at her because I couldn't handle it anymore. This she always used as "being the victim", the immediately called her mother, my grandma (the enabler), told her "how bad a child I am", and she (grandma) would then call me and tell me I have to understand my mother, I can't talk to her like that, I have to be more this and that....... Although I did NOTHING. I just wanted to have my peace to begin with.. THANKS SO MUCH for the video as this is a supersuperimportant lesson!! Now I try to laugh about the bullshit she says (having learnt quite a lot about narcs in the past years) and just don't mind kind regards ✌🏽
but when I was younger and laugh at her she would get SO furious, telling me even meaner things than normally.. so I didn't dare to do that. Now I know when she gets furious, it's a sign that I'm on the right way (bc she's fearing losing control)
alao, im the past, whenever I was ON THE EXACT RIGHT WAY to wherever I wanted to be in life, she saw that, I'm sure, and then used these exact tactics to hinder me getting there. So that then I'm sad and she could "be there and (control and) "help" me". crazy person..
idL my mom is exactly like that and what sucks is my dad that was normal and he passed away. then my mom met a narc that was worse then her and also an enabler as well. so I totally understand...
I found that feeling my feelings has allowed me to find freedom from narcissists. I started doing this a few years ago, whenever I felt an emotional charge within (wanted to defend, excuse, minimize, take it personal, or eat) I stopped and got curious about what happens inside of me when I am triggered whether by a narcissist or a situation out of my control. I observed the inner response (panic, knots, ache, hunger) without any judgment. I used to gorge on food when I wanted the abuse to stop, but I stopped doing that and instead watched/witnessed what happens inside of me. Like you said, it started in my stomach and worked all the way up to my head ( this usually takes only a few seconds) and then I would take an organic breath and sigh that was my clue the inner reaction/feeling was over. To me it means I have processed an old emotion and it no longer has a hold on me. I give it permission to move out. It took a couple of years of remembering to do this, but I stayed with it and hardly get any emotional charges anymore. Within 24 hours I get a clear insight about what the emotion was about and where it came from. It truly is an amazing gift I give myself because my instincts/ true self shows me the reality of what I used to think was my fault and gave me answers to why I couldn't connect or find a healthy bonds with certain relationships. I used to think their craziness was caused by something I did, I took their antics personal, but now I view people and situations through my true self meaning I'm no longer living in a false reality. The best part about doing this, besides losing 45 pounds, is that what used to trigger an emotional response no longer does. I am now able to remain neutral ("that's interesting. Why would you say that?") which has caused the narcissist's in my life to no longer get fed so they no longer bother me. Win-win!
My manager is a narc. When I ignore her or don't respond she gets irritated. She constantly says strange things that I believe are innappropriate as a manager. She seems border line bipoloar. I'm a whole lot younger than she is. Her insecurities show everyday. It's sad, but I do not respond. I refuse to stoop to her level. Great video!
shaylas78 I hope ya dont have the old boss I had, I got let go, happiest moment of life :) better yet if ya can try to get a better job w/ better & respectable ppl.
Because someone gets irritated by someone ignoring or not responding, doesn't mean a person is narcissistic. I feel by ignoring and giving silent treatment, not answering ones question (s) is flat out rude, discouraging and hateful. Why do that? It is part of control when one ignores and does not respond. Now, I can understand why certain ones feel low self esteem and not worthy. That alone can crush a soul.
The day I'm able to not have to deal with my ex due to having a child with him will be a day of celebration!! Just hope my daughter turns out ok in the end. Lord knows I do my best with her in these trying times.
I understand how you feel. Unfortunately my son is only 3 and I just left his narcissistic father 6 months ago and the struggle is real. I wish I had the luxury of going no contact. Instead I have to continue fighting for as much freedom from this demon as possible.
Chris daily me too. My daughter is 7 and I hope she can see that I’m not as stupid as he tries to make me look on a daily basis... need to get away from him
I think it is also important to stop the conversation. You can say something like, my goal is for us to have a positive and mutually healing conversation, we can resume this conversation, when you are ready to talk. Sometimes not saying anything or letting people blab on can suggest you agree with them. I think it all depends but I have to say that ending the convo before it gets crazy in a calm zen way has helped me so much.
Great suggestion. Thank you! So important to take the high road and not get into the pig pen...you only get dirty and besides that, the pig likes it! 😊
Yeah mine is my mom and she is the most extreme case i've ever seen. After 33 years I still can't tell If she in fact cares about me or she really only cares about her self.
Gary .. your mother as a narc. Does not care about you. She cares ONLY about herself. You know this .. she just has not crossed that line in the sand you put down years ago that will make you act on breaking ties. I was 40 when I finally cut my mother off. Because she was actually telling people she preferred my sister over me. Which was the line I had drawn in the sand years before. And I kept that promise to my inner child, if she ever did that .. I would leave. My life since .. has been holidays without worrying if she liked the present I got her, or would she return it to me at the end of the party with the words " this is yours", and hand it back to me. And I have actually gone and had adventures she was always too afraid to do. All of her tapes in my head of " you can't " "Why would you do that " or "Give up" have been spilled to the floor and burned. My life is much happier without her in it. My children are Safer .. with her gone. She cant destroy their self esteem, or devalue them for being my kids. I dont have to worry about pleasing her, or "living up " to her expectations. My mother .. used to tell me .. to poison her if she goes into a nursing home. So I can go to Jail, and her golden child .. my sister .. can live a free and happy life on the inheritance?? My mother is that bad. Truly. So when you do finally decide to cut ties. Remember what I posted here. Cutting off the narc parent, gives you more freedom to BE YOU, than can you realize now. And knowing my kids have been raised without a narc in their life for a Grandmother ? has made all the difference.
Your information is sound. Glad you clarified reaction / response for those who are not informed. These narcissists are life force draining vampires. I am a survivor i chose at an early age to be mindful. I was blessed and show others how to empower themselves.
This is so insightful! I’m having such a hard time accepting that my mom is really a narcissist. Even now as a grown up adult everytime I see her I feel like I need to defend myself. I feel like I need to prove myself. I need to tell her everything, that I need to do just as she says. I don’t think I’ll be able to go no contact. I’d feel so guilty but I will definitely see her less. It’s funny because I used to beg her when we had arguments to leave me alone and I know she won’t! I kind of feel stuck
It's incredible how accurately this describes this type of person... I came to this video because my mother is the narcissist in my life. Today she started a fight because according to her I can't love my own nephew more than I love her, that if I don't love her fully, there's no way I can love him... A 5 year old ! They sometimes hit us in places where we have no choice but to react, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
berryfairy68 omg most of the people that are commenting this vids have narc.moms including me..how sad is this!Moms what the hell?!The person that should be closest to you is making you suffer the most-mad world we live in..
They're like attention seeking children. That's what they are. They're emotionally stunted. They seek attention, even if it's negative. They get manipulative too. my mom would complain to my sister "you love Jesus More than me". Going to church and proselytizing for them. She should help around the house more instead. My sister is a good kid. She cooks and cleans for my mom a lot and helps her with her paperwork and taxes.
It seemed like my narc mom was jealous of God. When I was around 11 and got saved at church, I thought my mom would be so happy when we got home. Of course, I didn't do it for her, she had nothing to do with it, but I kind of expected her to be thrilled. But later she said something like "at your age you don't have to get saved yet, you haven't reached the age of accountability." I knew she always treated me as younger than I am, but that was ridiculous! Even then, it seemed to me that she was jealous and wanted to be the go-between between me and God, or she didn't want me to be spiritually equal to her.
She isn't healthy enough mentally to be okay with you loving your nephew (or anyone). It would make a normal healthy person happy to see people love each other. It doesn't make the narc happy to see you have love for others.
Meredith - stumbled across your video blog and very impressed with how clearly and logically you explain these concepts. You are a great speaker and appreciate you concisely getting to the point. Many bloggers ramble on endlessly and I lose interest. I often "react" and regret it, always have in my 50+ years of life. Accused as hyper sensitive, overly emotional, and the narcs good ole standby "crazy". Your explanation of reacting as "stepping out of integrity" resonates with me. I get it!!! I will use the mindfulness and breathing to respond vs react. Thank you
Peace4Me Finally! Me too! I'm enlightened that this reactivity and defensiveness are due to narc abuse from my mom my entire life and subsequently several intimate partners and husband. Good luck on your road to self discovery, recovery, healing and freedom!
"The most important thing here is that you remember your response is your responsibility, and it is always your choice. Nobody makes you do anything. That is what the narcissist says. 'You made me hit you. You made me cheat on you. No. Nobody makes you do anything. Even the emotions that you feel . It doesn't mean it's right what they're doing, but whatever you feel in response to that is _your_ responsibility, is _your_ choice. It's how you feel. Nobody makes you feel. You choose to feel that way. If you don't want to feel that way, then make that choice. If you don't want to react in that same way that's going to get you into trouble over and over again, then make that choice...this is a message of empowerment, this will change your life, not just in the relationship with the narcissist, this will change your life across the board...and remember, you don't have bad days, you let those days go bad. When something bad happens, you got to lift yourself up, you got to raise your state up and out of that."
thanks for saying that. it makes so much sense to me. I've been reacting the whole time and it's made it so hard to get away from the Narc. I finally quit responding at all to his texts that he's sending because I can see he's pulling out all the stops to get my reaction. his threats and accusations are now just a rediculous reminder of why I need to get away. Thanks so much for your videos!! They have made I huge difference in my life!!
Thanks for the Truth..I have a mother who is a narcissist, who is caught up with herself..I can't be around her, for more than 10 minutes..She puts down everyone, she is never at fault, everyone is plotting on her, she talks AD NAUSEAM about the things she has done, for people in the past..If you point out or show her fault, she gets enraged and screams, and is quick tempered..And hour from whence the argument or discussion has ended..She speaks to herself about the incident, but strategically do in ear drop distant of you..To provoke and instigate. It's a nightmare to be around her..No one wants to be around her....When her mood is elevated, you can't get a word in, she talks over everyone.... She also thinks it's because people are envious, and jealous of her....When its because of her personality....Now she is old and in her mid 70's...and has that as a crutch.....And tells people she going to die one day..
Sparta 300 That is my mom totally! It is worse now that she is older, almost 70! I have stopped trying to figure her out. She can't fool people anymore either, like she once did. She looks crazy! I have gone low contact and can't be with her for that long too! I can never be my real self or disagree with my narc mom. It is very exhausting not being my genuine self. I have such a sense of relief when my visit with her is over! It is torture! I am an only child, so for now, I am not cutting off total contact yet but knowledge like this is power! They are sick people! Heather
My ex narc friend even said he wants the people's reactions. He was watching for them. This is a HUGE red flag. But I didn't know it back then. He doesn't have any opinion or feeling. He copies and steals it from others. That's very insecure. He knows to disguise that deficit with arrogance. Just miserable. When I sometime went gray rock by "accident" I saw him like burning alive from the inside because of not getting emotions or reactions from me. Very revealing.
OMG THANK YOU!! You're so right about them taking offense and being "injured" by not agreeing with them and then they feel the need to punish you for it. I never thought of it that way. This is so helpful. Thank you
oh my goodness i go through this with my husband. I treat him as a patient. now i will know how to react to his comments. thank you. I normally react defending myself. About the child hood part yes, it did happened as you said. I will continue to listening and learning from your videos. Thank you.
3:59 this is gold. The toxin in my brain creates that wrong reaction: "I don't agree/I don't like the person, so that's because I do something wrong, --> I have to correct my behaviour --> so the other will behave good towards me". What a wrong process of thinking!!! Thank you for pointing it. Great video.
Narcs want to confuse you into believing you're the problem when actually they are. They get a kick out of creating chaos, destablization and tricking you into thinking you are the blame for their dysfunctional behavior.
@@Cerez78 yes, the gaslighting. It's horrible. These comments..they're all making me cry. But, I see all of you working so hard to get out, to be happy. It's inspiring to me. I don't feel alone anymore-though I wish none of us had to deal with feeling trapped in our own prisons. I wish us all a happy, fulfilled life.
My nuclear family growing up was my narcissist mom, and my narcissist, golden sister. I never understood what I had done wrong. In my thirties my sister told me that they agreed that I was just not cut of the same cloth. My husband agreed and told me that it's a good thing, if I was, he wouldn't have been interested in me. That was the moment I realized that it wasn't what was wrong with me. I have spent my life jumping through their hoops. Now I have the vocabulary, they are narcissists. Knowing this has made all the difference! I taught myself to say " I am a grown woman and I don't need my Mommy to like me". It took time, and I don't see them often, but when I do, I'm not hurt by them. Good luck to all of you.
"Whatever you feel in response to that is your responsibility, is your choice; its how you feel - nobody makes you feel - you choose to feel that way. If you dont wanna feel that way, then make that choice."
Don't defend yourself. Only you know the real truth about yourself! Don't waste your energy on defending yourself!!
See that's where I usually mess up, it's like if I don't have proof they don't believe me. And sometimes like I hid that I really loved one and was attracted to him because I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship, it's because I felt like I couldn't tell him. He noticed haha and then I told him but ... That was probably the easiest thing to discuss . Everything else it's like if I don't tell him what he wants to hear he gets more mad and wants to shut me out.
I sometimes ask myself, how did I fall for a narcissist. And gosh I'm sure if he seen this he'd either deny or get upset... Ugh. We would have the best days and the next day it's like I'm being confronted by a total different person. And , I'm like what the hell could I have possibly done now?!
But i was left No Option but react..... Act Out of question. React all
I wish I could just shut up and not react...but recently my NM called me a bitch in front of my teen daughter.
@@jakezo369 totally unfair
Yes!
This has been one of the most difficult things for me!!!
Got it. People say, don't fight with a pig, you will get dirty, and the pig will enjoy it.
But we love bacon
Meg-your right and you were just tested by the comments below. You didnt feed them-do you see what she means? This is so important.😉 have a super day!
Her claim of that responsibility pre-requires one to not be traumatized, severely sleep deprived, not isolated in need of contact, not ill needing a doctor ( he is narc).You need to have higher energy levels to stay calm, and say the right thing. I wish for a video for this situation, and of HOW to DO it, not just saying then fact. The how.
Mega Sthlm oh haha
You make a good point about energy. This is another tactic that narcs use. They purposely drain us of our energy so we are more likely to react emotionally. This is why the absolute best technique is to go "no contact" if you can.
The world is over flowing with Narcissists. Lead a singular, quiet life and avoid those who love to hate you.
And they swear they don't "hate" just aggravated about the lies... When fact is they MAKE the lies up.
@@ChristinaMladuckyJesus yes
Exactly
Isn't it surreal how much these individuals get pleasure from hurting others emotionally? I sure can't understand it.
Your comment "Love to hate you" is so true. When you stop contact it takes their focus off of spending their energy on loving to hate you but while they are loving to hate you they are saying "I love you!" Ahhhh ---- Scary shit! Run away. Protect Yourself. Find love within and send positive vibrations to the universe and your true vibrational match will come. Instead of putting energy towards him/ her (Want you don't want) Ignore him/her and put the focus on what you want (happiness, freedom, friendships, love, etc)
She said “Reacting is giving AWAY your power and responding is empowering yourself”. Wow!!! Just... wow!
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy? That’s a great question!
Yes so true!
Zenja Glass great motivation! Got me too! Love it!
So true
My partner has FINALLY healed after I pointed out his ex was a BIG NARC! She's classic textbook, and thanks to you, he collected all the proof, and has made a point of documenting abusive communications to the police AND his attorney! I too counsel people in dysfunctional families on how to live with, deal with, or restrain narcissists when they are FORCED to deal with them when children are involved. So far, he's learned to predict the reactions to his refusal to respond, defend himself, etc. He now collects it all, and is waiting for her to stop dragging her feet in Court. Now SHE is the one who is walking on eggshells and is unable to realize that is exactly what is happening. BTW, I moved in to protect his home from her illegally entering ever again. Yup! Documented and police sent to physically let her know. As expected, she hasnt stopped.
Cluster B: you'll be wrong even if you agree with them. They change their mind instantly and make you be wrong again on the spot.
Exactly
EXACTLY.
M Reese omg.... dead on!! Literally, EXACTLY ACCURATE TO A T- ..... constantly what my baby father does to me. I’m like. “Wait. Wtf??? Am I missing something?? 😒 “
Damn thats so true
Exactly, the big win with a narcissist is to do nothing.
“If you say something they disagree with, they take this as a criticism, an injury” 🙌🙌
Ohhh wow , I see myself on that situation. Thanks !!!
Yes
My narc tells me that I am dismissive if I disagree with him
yes exactly
"You have NO respect" - which is the case on His side!
Here is woman who gets it. Hallelujah! I don't feel crazy. I'm not questioning my sanity anymore.
Trisha Verse 👏👏👏
I agree
The video did not state or imply that people don't ever have mental health issues that need addressing. I know a few people with diagnosed mental health issues who fail to recognize those issues, even when taking their meds. I wish you the best, and don't use this video, or any video, to dismiss any suspicions you have. If your "questions" return or persist, seek help from a licensed mental health professional. Best regards.
I feel the same dear! I'm so happy for all the people here who didn't just sit there and blame themselves but actually did a research and found out that they were not wrong
I literally got on meds because I was convinced that I was hallucinating shit.
My narcissists punish me by staying away from me, it's fantastic!
Rica The Hopeful Voluntarist you betcha! That's one of best gifts ever. I hope more folks begin to understand the importance of not needing or caring what the narcissist does or says.
+Kim McLeod It's so difficult with family. I'm fairly new to these videos but this one resonated with me in ways that only someone who deals with this type of person can understand. The thing about these types of narcissicists- who use alienation as a weapon against a person who has not harmed them in any way- is that they always come back, seeking some form of relationship. I fall for it every time because I love them.
Rica The Hopeful Voluntarist yeah, that is a cycle that's tough to break, but once you come to terms with what the alienation is (a manipulation tactic only) and you begin to value yourself as deserving so much more, whatever the narcissist does won't matter. Believe me, they aren't worth it. They don't love anyone anyway, they only love manipulating someone; therefore, they do not deserve to have anyone love them.
Kim McLeod
I totally agree
Rica The Hopeful Voluntarist i wish i had that
We CAN'T control how others act...BUT, we CAN control how WE react !!!!!!!!!!
We can't control how we act: otherwise we wouldn't act that way.
“Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” is a priceless statement! Perfect thing to stop and think about; to focus on. 👍🏻
Linda Bermudez-Hafer forget about being right be happy
Just what I told my son the other day when he was arguing with his girlfriend was:' son wanna be happy or right?' . His response to me was' mom from now on I'm a happy happy camper' 😂 they're 16...
I ended with my narc and never made a better choice. I got sucked in quickly but am very blessed with my strong support system of friends and family. And I went Grey Rock. No power supply from me!
Ran into his ex and we're helping her to recover as well. Our narc is running on an empty fuel tank lately. Drives him crazy, but as for me : I love me more and don't care about him anymore...
Get real friends who support you, and most of all:listen to your own guts. If something feels wrong it usually is!
I love your videos. New subscriber here. Thank you for helping with this useful Information.
I want to be happy.!!!! I am happy. 💝💕💗💜
Ooohhh that's a good one. To be used soon!
Thanks Meredith I need to be reminded that narcissists LOVE to get you to behave below your Integrity. Silence and no contact is the best and only answer
Dj Tennessee that is true.
My thoughts exactly.
Practicing silence has taken tremendous discipline for me. When someone says something hurtful or insulting, it's natural to want to fight back and defend. Next time my narc family member tries to provoke a negative reaction, I will not take the bait even if it means hiding my hurt feelings!
The funny thing is too: the quieter you go, the more they chase. They CRAVE that reaction from you, and may even turn the tables and become 'nice' again, to get you to respond. Don't fall for it!
Learn to have the same response no matter what they are saying or doing ☺☺☺
Totally true
My RESPONSE is my RESPONSibility .... I have repeated this SO many times in the last 25 hours.... yes, I am counting because it’s painful to grieve
dlw sport totally true I do this too very low contact with my Narc mother. She constantly tries to ruffle my feathers if we run into each other. Eggh I repeat this to myself as well. Then come home and bitch to my husband lol
You’re not you’re not responsible for their perceptions too
Good one!@@Portia620
if you heal you dont get triggered, they lose power over you. Your triggers are the wounds that make you open to them.
yourtub wow thanks
very true
Always prepare before hand for what they are going to say and kill them with it
Getting Healthy is the best way to inoculate yourself against the Narcissist.
Staying away from the narcissist is the best way to inoculate myself. And this takes listening to the inner nudges Re. Who I’m dealing with. The signs are usually there right from the start.
Once you are aware that they are a narcissist, just leave! Forget about response vs. react, and other such techniques to counter the narcissist, just go! If you stay in the narcissist's game without playing by their rules, they will burn you or they will discard you. Its simple, as soon as you know, you go!
I agree unless you work with them. I currently work with 2 covert narcs and have for the last 8 years. I worked with another one who lied about me and almost cost me my job the only reason it didn't is because the guys job I got was fired because she accused him of sexual harassment. I just had an interaction with the 2 narcs where I currently work. I was baited and took the bait and reacted to this asshole doing what these assholes do best and I'm trying not to beat myself up. They are double teaming me and I really need to stop reacting and come up with a strategy. I'm trying to look at this as a challenge that can help me to be emotionally sober and learn not to react as Meredith was saying. This is a life skill which I need to to master or these assholes and ones like them will always own me by my reactions. I go no contact, grey rock whenever possible but I just always have to be aware of the baiting. God these people are so fucked up. The one guy is 65 years old fat fuck and he has to do this shit to feel good about himself. Unfreaking believable.
My narc brother just died 2 months ago and he left so much destruction with 2 wives and 3 daughters behind him. He did get some payback and did some jail time for screwing with a lawyer, he tried this shit with the wrong person and was just about to do some more time before he died, cause the rules don't apply to him. By dying he saved himself 3-6 months in jail. I didn't shed a tear as he made my life very difficult growing up and I only figured out he had NPD 5 years ago and then everything made sense, same with the women I divorced, I finally figured out she was a covert narc as well. These people and aspd are definitely 10% of the population and I don't believe that males make up the higher percentage of these unfortunate people. The NPD/ASPD females are just better at hiding it. These "people" are everywhere. I have to deal with more than my share of them. Apparently the universe thinks I need to do more work on myself and has placed these people here as my teachers.
Yes, totally agree. No games. Avoid avoid.
I couldn’t go. I had nowhere to go to. That’s the problem.
Unfortunately many of these people you have to work with so you can't just leave. I think you're best bet in that situation is to arm yourself with knowledge on how these people work so you can beat them at their own game. Once you figure out how they operate you are able to protect yourself. When they realize they can't get narcissistic supply from you they'll move on.
@@vanity68 same
One of the hardest decisions you will ever face in life is choosing whether to try harder or walk away.
Not at all a hard decision when dealing with a true narcissist
Walk away.Its not harder.leave people who dont respect you.
I don't understand people that say "just walk away". Apparently, they have never been in this situation. God bless their soul if they ever do. To those people giving advice on a whim, educate yourselves before giving that advice. There are all sorts of sources and topics for you to read, listen to, watch, and/or study. Do not make the victim feel they are weak and just tell them to leave, that will only make them feel worse about themselves. I've been through the manipulation, trauma bond, love bombing, gaslighting, etc. It IS NOT easy to just leave.
angi co We have been in that situation and we know how it feels.We just know its not worth it thats why i say walk away.There's no need to waste time on people who don't have respect towards you.
Walk away.
This video reminds me of a verse in the bible, A wise man restrains his anger and overlooks insults. This is to his credit. Proverbs 19:11
A wise man wouldn't be with a narc.
Roberta Mathers they are master manipulator and can loop anyone in. a wise man gets away from a narcissist
He's not sick, he's evil. Evil by choice. No excuse. Sick people can't help it. Evil people CAN.
Reese Daniel Your right. Thanks
Crystal Climenhage 👍❤ exactly. a wise man wouldn't remain with a narc
I wish i would've found this video YEARS ago
Ben hope you are all right.
No kidding🤗🤗
Me too
Wys!
Seriously, I can relate..
I really like how she starts out with owning one’s own response - she focuses on techniques not bashing the narcissist.
Sameeee
In one of my worst moments of my life, exactly when I needed support, my mother, started with her usuals attacks. I said stop. Don’t speak to me like this. Results: she got angry as crazy. Since then, 3 years, we are 0 contact. Is sad , but she’ll never change, and I don’t need more of this in my life.
monita Saltarina I’ve come to that conclusion as well..
THE BEST VIDEO ON THIS SUBJECT EVER! Hit the nail right on the head with my last relationship. I don't see her as evil anymore, but simply damaged and it's not my responsibility to fix her.
me ex wife is one--she broke me so hard--i just up and left one night--best thing i have ever done---WITCH .
"you seem upset all the time, are you ok?" quoting Narcology
Oh my gosh....did you sneak into my house?
Omg, He says this annoying shit to me all the time. Especially if he hadn't seen me until the end of the day. And it CONFUSED the hell outta me before I figured out what was really going on!
"Are you okay are you feeling okay? Are you sick?"
Lie lie lie.
So LIE back to him!
Cad Red my husband gets mad at me. Won’t tell me why. Just acts hateful. I finally break & say you are mad at me bc you did these things. And he will smile & say, see. Your the mad one. Look at all the silly things your mad about. But I wasn’t mad. I finally got frustrated by the silent treatment mixed with passive aggressiveness.
@@Jezebel066 u need to divorce him asap he is toxic and u need to get out of there
Alyssa's Dome I know. I can’t leave. And I love him...
This came at the perfect time!!! I keep defending myself in my head and I want it to stop ! I guess it takes time to stop overanalyzing . Thank you :)
Stacey Marrone your not alone. even though I knew the horrible things he was saying where not true I felt the need to keep defending myself until I took a good look at the situation and realized the things he was saying about me where actually true about him. the last communication I sent to him stated" I accept your flawed opinion of me and your right to feel and believe whatever you choose to". that was almost 3 months ago and I have not responded to anything since then and I am started to heal.
practice makes perfect! Your reaction is your responsibility..
I love , love this.
It gets better .
When I was doing that overanalyzing rumination, I had to pull myself out by becoming aware just how exhausting it was to defend myself. I started noticing how heavy it felt in my body, the tension in my head, the clenching jaw, the stiff neck... then the paralyzing plague of self-doubt. The more you practice the mindfulness of it, the quicker you'll catch yourself and manually change gears. Remember, what you focus on grows in your life so choose only what you want to grow!
+Inner Integration So true especially the exhausted self that is in defense mode.
It's been so freeing just being me.
It's not to say it has been easy but the result is so worth the work.
Clinched jaws and back spasms are finally relaxing .
This is s whole new wonderful world.
Much appreciated and life changing.
Thank you.
i get soooooo defensive i threw my phone after i thought he was putting me down..he was making a good point but i was so wound up by then and then he reacted cuz he thought i threw it at him..i didnt but he got on top sooo fast with hands around my neck im shaken he tried to talk over it but that is both of us responding in a toxic fashion
Narcissistic behaviour is quite an issue. I am amazed by the number of the relevant videos about this.
It must be a sign of our times. People are becoming so fake, and so obsessed with status and consumerism. Its all about feeding the hunger to consume, and people end up consuming each other - objectifying each other. It really is an issue. I just want to be around people that are real and genuine and who feel secure with me.
It’s so energy draining
I just blocked him from every thing. Hope this work
Holy hell!!! I thought I was crazy and alone until this moment!!! Lol. Thank you for the post!!! To new beginnings, I haven't lost faith in people yet
Craig Beaver , I too thought I was alone. I thought this kind of (narc) communication, behavior & treatment was unique for me. Eyes wide open now!
Craig Beaver hey man. Saw your reply and wanted to say hello. Mate i went through something similar. Narcissist people are everywhere. And they always want to ruin kind trusting people.
Happens to guys. Alot of women talk about it. Anyways. Hope you are well and found peace. Robert
I've read some experts estimate 2% of the population are Narcissists. They are everywhere. Out of every 50 people we've each encountered in our life, one of them has been a Narcissist. All of Cluster B probably makes up a frightening percent. I've met more than my fair share, unfortunately.
You are absolutely, definitely not alone.
You are definitely not alone
Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? Amen, I cant wait to say that to myself. I have confidence I will choose happiness once again. Thank you!!!
That's a great phrase to remember- Be right, or Be happy!? The narcissists in my life "right fight" all the time. It's practically an act of war to disagree. I'm an intelligent woman, I try to remember it has nothing to do with that. It's about mindfulness! Those around me are affected by how I react to him, I used to disappear. I'd get upset, feel he was right, and was so unhappy I couldn't be there for anyone. That's unacceptable. I have to "play the tape through to the end," as they say. I was taught once to pray to my higher power that they succeed & receive all they've ever wanted. What an interesting outcome. It teaches me forgiveness, softens me. While allowing me to see them clearly. But to never lose my empathy-not to forget. He's one of the closest people to me, his parents & sister, all narcissists. I've crowned the sister Queen of All Narcissists. It's true, so much of this is about my need to defend myself, trying to get them to understand. They'll never change. As you said, I have to put my own ego aside. Maintaining spirituality is difficult, but, it's important to me to strive be a better person. The suggestions you give are such great tools for spiritual discipline & enlightenment, as well as dealing w/ narcissists. They do slander, they provoke. But, I've known the embarrassment of reacting, then becoming the bad guy. He likes to tape arguments...I can't go through that again. Thank you for the tools! Invaluable information!
You are spot on!
I refuse to LIE to satisfy the lie they believe about me.
However some of my happiest days have been with a narcissist but my saddest followed. It's like they are two different people. One day all is great, the next all hell breaks loose.
Excellent video. I'm telling my wife today, I no longer want to communicate or deal with her. This cycle of abuse has to stop. Especially when they turn around and play victim
This is something I'm trying so.hard to learn. I seem to react emotionally and I always look like the bad guy.
Yes, I've found it's better to quietly get away. I could respond, respond... Yet I eventually would react when tired, hungry or they just kept it up longer than I could handle. I think the majority of people trapped in with a narcissist come from more difficult childhoods so we're not as well equipped to handle them. That's why they are with us and not somebody who's better equipped to handle them. Those people don't get into the trap for as long a time. They are also not as wanted by the clever narc.
Jcc526,you deserve better
Same here. She finally got her reason to leave too. Whats weird is she had a bf in 4 days and they are all over soc-med. Looking redic imo bc I know who he will be dealing with in a week or 2. She will start by falling through on plans, then no text or returning calls, then she's back like nothing ever happened at all dodging the issue at hand....
Tell me about it.😂🤣
Or when they can't admit to things and everything is your fault and you're the crazy one
Yup. That’s why silence is golden. No reaction. They are left to themselves when we won’t engage. There is absolutely no winning with a narcissist except to not react to any of their BS.
Yeah, if you know yourself there's no need to apologize (I typically refrain from saying I am sorry to a narcissist) for something that you know you aren't and/or didn't do. It's best to hold your ground with these people by walking away, going no contact or whatevet method that doesn't feed them supply.
so true, NC kills them.
Alethia Sykes, Actually, I don't think they even notice it, unless they haven't been able to replace the suply they got from you. In that case, they will come back for more.
Elisabeth1903 I am sure they will, but I will give them one less option for supply!
Elisabeth1903 you guys are very fortunate not to be targets any longer. Now, you can go foward with building a happy, healthy life.
Kim McLeod So do you think saying "That's a shame (or unfortunate) you feel that way" is along the lines of not apologising? My stepdad is a narcissistic person, and my mum is disabled and it's hard for her not to react to him because he is constantly putting her down (although he has cheated multiple times), If we say "sorry you feel that way" he really attacks that and says stuff like "You're not sorry" blah blah, it's all about him. I'm trying to find a way to deal with this until I can afford a house for my me and my mum. Thanks ^^
My trigger response is to go off when a narc is telling me to calm down after they are the one that pissed me off in the first place.
Oh, that's their all time favorite: "Calm Down." The narc's mantra. Push your buttons to the extreme, get the desired reaction, THEN tell you to "Calm Down." Makes you want to literally STRANGLE THEM. ; l Another thing I've had one do to me (my husband) is to YELL AT ME TO STOP YELLING AT HIM AND DISRESPECTING HIM right after I CALMLY and RESPECTFULLY told him how I felt about a disagreement we were having. You can't make this stuff up.
Omg they always say that shit. Nice to see it’s a classic go-to for them. I know someone who does this. Meanwhile they’re the ones that are lacking calm.
You can't say it calm enough. I'd say a well thought out response with attention to my tone and cadence only to get a, "why are you yelling at me?" I could literally whisper and this would happen because if I said, " I'm not yelling, I'm trying to explain..." Then, the "you're always so mean to me" this or that and we are off to the game they love to play.
Had an awareness that ANY comment made me feel like the child who was blamed and made wrong.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Don't need to defend myself.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Thanks, Meredith. Learning to lift myself and live positively.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Nettonya: Been there so many times. It's truly an awful feeling. Like being Ingrid Bergman in the movie Gaslight.
Easiest way to deal with a Narc is simply don't.
The narcissist is my mom.
Yep basically
EXACTLY
@@allyma3 sorry 🙁
The medical world is full of narcissists.
Talking is feeding the Narc. Talking is giving them too much. Don't give them ANYTHING more! No more talking, no venting, no more expressing, no explaining, no more! Don't not give them any closure. The best way to keep your sanity and the best revenge is ignoring them.
Agree
PTSD makes it impossible to react how you would like. I had to cut nearly all my old friends and relatives out of my life because they were conditioned to think you "win" by making the other person more angry and more irrational.
your ptsd symptoms never respond to a situation. your ptsd symptoms respond to your perception of a situation. change how you perceive the incoming data, and presto, no attack. that is your point of power.
Winonah Drake good idea
The second you start defending yourself, bam! Youre on trial now. And it's their show of guilty until proven innocent (which means grovelling and still never being off the hook, no matter how long it takes for them to get finished with it all). Thank you again.
Exactly!
And that really does suck but our feelings are our feelings. I'm have such painful reactions. I'm the one who's struggling and in pain here so this is my problem. To say that I have a problem however is not to say that I'm wrong or to blame or at fault. Who has the problem is not a question for guilt or culpability. The one who has the problem is simply the one who is dissatisfied with or trouble by a particular situation. And what is my problem? My problem is that I can't sort out particular questions in my mind. (from a great book called The Dance of Anger)
Ken Richard Well said!
The question is what happens if we don´t defend ourselves from such.
The answer to that question explains why we stand on our guard. And the way of defense, tells whether we are reacting or over-reacting. I guess, the word is over-reaction and not reaction. We can´t be passive and allow violence exhibited upon us..
We need to understand that we have to do with perpetrators: egoistic, sadistic, evil and mean people who feed on one either materially or emotionally, cognitively.
We must cut the bounds as soon as possible with such.
Defending ourselves in a discussion with a narcissist is always going to end with you exausted, and frustrated, because they will never accept that you are right. You don't have to justify youself to people like this. So, play the "gray rock" and plan your escape.
It's funny that after years of being with a narcissist I figured this out too, I realized that the less I reacted to his trying to trigger fights the stronger I have gotten and the smaller and weaker he becomes to me. Thank you for the reassurance that my actions are right now if I can only figure out how to start making more money so I can move out of his house.
I too figured it out and stopped reacting. That also drove him crazy - screaming in my face.
I hope you’re in a better place today
Linda Nelson hears the hard thing knowing they have a mental problem that cant be fixed like a cancer . What if u have somthing simaler that cant be fixed also . I know ita hard but something to think about
I am in the same boat with my father at the moment. I am trying to pursue ultra sound school, he thinks it's a waste of time, told me
I am too old to start a career, i'm 41
Who wants to wager that the 552 thumbs down are all narcissist? Hahaha!
I love your videos Inner Integration!! You are amazing and have been so helpful to me!! Thank you!
LOL
The devils have been exposed.
Hahaha spot on!!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 thank you!
@@oscarwilliamson1264 California here
You changed my life in 18 minutes
Knowledge is power!!!!! Education is the key for everything in this universe!!!!!!
I wish I has seen this video sooner. The narc had deeply hurt me and for months I tried to control my responses until one day my limit had exceeded and he pushed my buttons. I stated off in a soft voice with tears and ended up screaming so loud I scared myself. My punishment for this outburst was 4 months of the silent treatment. Lesson learned! We will be divorced next month and I have this email all ready to send about how bad he hurt me, but after watching this, I won't send it. Thank you :)
Good GOod ! yes dont feed the narcs. They love emails. You know what they are ,thats all you need and now you can protect yourself from any others showing up. You can recognize them fast and know how to deal with them now. Good luck in your divorce. Get your attorney brushed up on Narc behaviors, it helps !
Don't ever blame yourself for being abused. You aren't responsible for someone else's behavior because narcs are out of control. Nothing you do can make them stop unless you leave them no matter how polite and civil you are towards them.
Don't ever blame yourself for being abused. You aren't responsible for someone else's behavior- narcs are out of control people who stop at nothing. Abusers love to tell you it's your fault that you provoked them because they are pathetic cowards who avoid personal accountability. Nothing you do can prevent them from attacking unless you leave them and go no contact. Being calm and civil only buys you time to escape from their evil claws.
Do you wanna be right or do you want to be happy? Thank you! Needed that reminder.
Honestly my knee jerk reaction is to kill him. Not that I'd do it but..To let him be disgustingly stupid and controlling without it being acknowledged is beyond me. I'm not happy in not saying something. Clearly I need to work on things.
Roberta Mathers I so hear you....feel the same way. It is so incredibly hard letting them get away with it! I'm swallowing and biting my tongue for about 90% of the time, which is incredibly hard and really just ends up eating you up inside and making you sick. Emotionally, mentally and physically. So whether you react or not, you loose...
Jennie Lee how can you feel happy when someone is labeling you in person and to friends and family as a crazy person? I keep thinking I can stop defending myself and then I cant. Then I feel crazy. It makes me sick.
Roberta and kjsb I understand completely.
Do you wanna be right or do you want to be happy?
Have seen this 4 times today ... love it.
I'm surrounded by borderline personality disordered people, and toxic interaction and entitlement. The gas lighting is unbelievable. I'm just now understanding what it is and now I get over things more quickly. But thank you for your tips. I'm cleaning house of my narc family, friends, relationships, and seeking healthy people with whom to interact.
I have borderline personality disorder and I am the opposite...
Helping people and cheerful and trying to get others to empower one another.
I get bullied a lot.
I deal with these kinds of people as well, I live with them in fact. I can't change the situation but I can change my reaction. It's hard and I struggle constantly to not get caught up in the emotions others are trying to project on me. Oh it's HARD. I'm glad I'm not alone in this and that there are people who have found ways of dealing with it. I just hope my life hasn't passed me by before things do change.
@@sunwolf87 we will get there one day @ a time!
Stay optimistic!
Grey Rock is a habit, Refusing Delivery is an action. Keep doing that👑
This was totally my breakup.... thank you. I'm glad I didn't allow myself to be baited into a argument
I remember him giggling when he managed to make me explode in rage out of frustration, that's perverse
He giggled because it made him HIGH. Literally
Yes I remember my most recent narc ex used to do the same. He'd text the most horrific thing, later deny he'd ever sent it, then when I'd show him the evidence, he'd giggle and find it funny.
But when I persisted in my disgust and anger, he'd then suddenly get aggressive and abusive
Do not give them the supply!!!
Our freedom ... it's our choice. Set aside our ego. Don't start defending yourself.
Rinse and repeat ... I think I need to listen to this video 3x a week.
Just thinking same thing. Will def loop.
Yes me too!
This advice is excellent for dealing with bullies as well. I have one at work and this is exactly what I needed to hear, thank you. Bullies like to sniff out who they can push around, and maybe because of our demeanor (those raised by an abusive parent or parents) we make easy targets. Bless you and keep on doing wonderful things.
Bullies are narcs in the workplace or school... don't think they aren't narcs, just in a different setting. Take the high road, do your job and do NOT let them provoke you, but keep files to provide proof of their abuse where possible. A former coworker and I had two narcs who were team leads gang up on us to try to make our and other's lives miserable... one finally left for a higher position, the other ended up being seen for what she was by our boss when we gave him the proof of what had been going on. If you don't have documentation, it didn't happen... I worked for a fortune 500 company and they are rife with narcs, the higher the level, the more narcs will be found. Narcs will step on anyone's neck to advance professionally, they dont' care who's throat they slit to achieve success.
This video is 💯 spot on. I am in the middle of breaking up with a narcissistic woman I've been in a relationship with for nearly 10yrs, and you basically described all her traits/tactics with chilling accuracy.
As an example, she'd often call or text me at work about really trivial things. I work in IT and travel around to customer sites so I need to be able to concentrate on a task, especially if I'm with a customer and have a deadline. I would tell her in advance when I'd be on a customer site and couldn't be disturbed but she would blow up my phone anyway. When I reminded her I was busy, she'd deflect and make it about how my tone hurt her feelings but would NEVER apologise for deliberately distracting me at work.
She'd also frequently accuse me of things I don't do just as you mentioned, and I'd fall into the trap of trying to defend myself, not that it made any difference whatsoever as she'd just continue to slander me again next time we had an argument.
Also, as you mention, simply disagreeing with her would provoke an argument. This made it very difficult to discuss important matters because unless I was saying yes to her fanciful, poorly thought out ideas (that typically involved wasting money), then it would just turn into an argument. After a while, you cope with this by avoiding important conversations altogether, which is obviously not healthy.
Dealing with this right now. I reacted the wrong way and he used it against me taking the focus off of what he did. It’s a total trap.
My narcissist ex-spouse put me through this, countless times. Caught in multiple lies, he'd try to sidetrack me in cul-de-sacs of false accusations. Eg., when it became clear that he'd been lying for months about our finances, he countered with "You're the liar!" Asked what I had ever lied to him about, he hesitated, then said triumphantly "Last Wednesday! So don't be calling ME the liar!" What he was referring to was that I had thrown him a surprise birthday party - like that kind of secrecy qualifies as malicious lying. In his mind, this cancelled out his wrongdoing.
In his mind, the problem was never what he had done (from infidelity to stealing). The problem was that I had found out, and was upset. This was inconvenient for him. For me, it was a bit like having the person who stabs you complain that you're bleeding on their precious carpet.
tamething1 omg! My husband exactly
tamething1 smh...the carpet...damn good example. Narcs can eat shit n die twice...nxt time for good plz..cause Narcs are already the WALKING DEAD. I PROMISE...those who have never been involved with a lying ass hypocritical Narc will neva understand this..shit aint a joke yall. Im not into religion..i Am into my relationship wit the Creator..Rev 18- 2...its the truth!😒
O..m..g!!! LOL If they aren’t all cut from the same cloth!! Truly sick and typical.
I spent ALOT of time hiding in my bedroom as a child. Now I'm married for 25yrs and I do the same thing. Go figure!
Joyce Theobald i so understand, my sister & i used to run and lock our bedroom doors when we'd hear the god awful sound of the garage door opening, which depending on how dad stomped up the steps depicted name calling, or being hit. now when my husband gets pissy, i go into my bedroom and put on my headphones, i wish i had happiness, ive never known true happiness
Joyce Theobald I hear you...same here :"(
K Anderson wow...all these comments are making me bawl my eyes out. I thought I was the only one on this earth and nobody could ever relate... I so much hear you.... :"( I know I'll never get to experience true happiness in my life either. It's like my step dad and mother high fived my husband and told him to take it from here. My husband makes me feel just like I did as a child growing up in an incredibly emotionally, verbally and physically abusive broken home. They do say you end up in the type of relationships that are representative of your childhood, and that is painfully true....
kjsb its amazing how we think we are so alone in this, but look at all these people going through it too....very sad though we all suffer...🙁
K Anderson But u can n will get through it .. enough is enough.
I reacted for 11 yrs. I rarely was able to respond. I spent too many years regretting my reactions. if I knew then what I know now...I may have had half a chance. thankfully I'm out of that mess. But I learned a lot about myself and I hope I never forget and am able to do what's right for myself in my now and in my future.
My narc is a master at this , provoking emotions & reactions from me. Thank you so much for your insight and sharing your knowledge ,, it is helping me.
Thank you needed that today only 3 month no contact after 10 years
THE best way to handle this is CHANGE your number and stop all contact with these people because their MAIN goal is to destroy your happiness and take away your PEACE....... dont fall for their trap, even if its your own parent dont give them the power to destroy your life. I have a NM and I stopped contact for over a year and its been the BEST decision I ever made!!!! Just forgive them in your heart, and pray for them but stop alllllllll contact.
Idk if I did wrong or right haha. But I'm good at having narcissist block and run from me. For one I refuse to lie to satisfy their false accusations about me. I refuse to allow them to disrespect me. I pray and forgive them and I've asked for forgiveness for lashing back. I've made my attempts at peace , and choice to not let them destroy what I had with other people before they entered my life. I've made it clear, they will not control who God made me to be but also Thank them for how God used them to help me too. And I continue my friendships before they entered my life. I am humble but I refuse to bow to anyone but God. And if I marry , submission is not about control it's about being humble the peacemaker and choosing love and forgiveness and moving forward as a team.
I decided i will be cherished . I will be respected. And if someone cannot see the great imperfect but loyal person I am, THEIR LOSS. Whether it be as a friend or more, or family etc... I refuse to live or tell a lie to satisfy anyone's deception of me. 💯
Florida Girl my mother and step mother are both narcissistic and I’ve gotten rid of the stepmom problem. I’ve learned to limit my time with my birth mother. The more I heal myself and create more income for myself the less ill be dependent on my mom helping with my son and then I can be free 🙌🏾.
VERY Good advice!
You said it all! 💖 I'm on a similar boat
i cut off contact from both toxic parents (father is a toxic alcoholic, & mothers a sociopath) only regret is not cutting off contact yrs ago. its less drama & stress
K Anderson ... I've done the same but one key element is forgiveness. FORGIVE them for what they are and the things they've done. Otherwise, we will hang on to the bad energy that was created in us and will carry it around with us. Forgiveness is for us not them. Forgive but Never forget. Forgiveness sets it free from us.
Chantel Baldwin You are right, i have to forgive, but how do we do that (I'm being serious)? do we just say the words? or do I say they're sick? because I still have alot of anger
K Anderson I say I forgive you because you weren't good enough or smart enough to treat me better. I forgive you but I still don't like you, don't care for your type and I really don't care to be around you. LOL. It's harsh but hey that's what they get and it's Soooo true. I feel great knowing this and when ever I try to give them the benefit of the doubt I realize I was 100% correct when I give these demon clans an inch and they take 10 miles. Simple for me. And I'm speaking of my mother and all her flying monkeys. Very simple.
Carmelwine I love it!! the last thing I said to my mother was "you're very sick and you won't get help, dont come back or you'll go to jail" that's worked so far, lol
K Anderson LOL 😂😂😂.I'm sure that horrified her and she swore you were crazy for standing up to her that way. Their not just backsick their front and top sick too. 😕 SMH.
Thx. Good advice. I just told my narcissist on the phone that what she said (unjustified criticism) made me feel uncomfortable and that I couldn't speak to her right now. She laughed. I hung up. It was the only way.
They always laugh... so evil!
@@giamaria580 yep. Always, mocking laughter, and humiliation.
Roger Underhill yesss they love to laugh it's very strange evil people
You really helped me see things in a different perspective.. I grew up with so much anger.. Who ever tried to attack me I'd react in ways id regret later on because I'm naturally a soft spoken person n soft hearted person.. Thank you for your insightfullness.
Love, Respect, have integrity, know your worth, value your amazing self, and don't fall for their BS .. Get off that emotional freaking Rollercoaster.. Its very liberating when you say "No".. you can't ever have a grown-up, mature and productive conversation cuz its always short lived.. Just STOP Engaging.. You Make your own Happiness.. love your beautiful and amazing self.. 💖💗
You are sooooo right....my narc started playing games the other day and I just laughed and shut her right down....she quickly moved on the new supply (her ex) , wrote to me and ripped me from all ends , and has hopefully moved on...I feel bad for her illness, but not enough to let her abuse me anymore.....2018 is going to be a great year....AWAY FROM MY NARC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's not an illness, it's a personality disorder which means they know what they are doing and make choices to hurt others. Sorry, but the illness excuse does not apply ☺
It's amazing to hear certain things like their misdirection tactics articulated. Until one experiences a narc, it's impossible to relate to this. One would say, so, it's just a misdirection, get back on track. It's mind blowing how narcs are a cookie-cutter mold for the most part.
A. Ray: Narcs are controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality. Just like (true, not phony) Christians have the Holy Spirit, narcs have a Demonic Spirit. I know it's not "politically correct" but I don't care. It's still the TRUTH.
no doubt. i even told my narc when the apex of the insanity was unfolding to calm his demons. It was not figurative. It was as if a demon was running him on auto pilot.
+Reese Daniel - you say "narc's are controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality." That's ridiculous and it's unfair. An adult narc has the emotional age/maturity of a child, and that's how they act: like emotionally immature children . All the narc behaviours that we are all so familiar with, that YOU are describing as 'demonic' - those behaviours are merely the behaviours of a person who has not progressed, and who cannot progress, past childhood to emotionally mature adulthood. That is basically what narcissism is, an 'adult' physically / a 'child' emotionally. They have never grown past a certain age emotionally. And that is not their fault, they were not born that way and they certainly did not invite demons in. This is almost always the fault of the role modelling / parenting they received as innocent children, from either a) inadequate, overly-strict or abusive parents/caregivers, or from b) over-spoiling, put-the-child-on-a-pedestal, parents/caregivers.
The word 'spoil (verb)' means amongst other things 'to cause damage to' and 'to weaken the character of'. These were innocent children who had life-long-lasting 'damage caused to them' by inadequate parents/ caretakers and role modelling. They do not have a *Demonic Spirit* , they have *Emotional Immaturity* !! They are not 'controlled by a demonic hierarchy or principality' - they are controlled by their immature impulses, which we were ALL born with and which we were ALL controlled by at one point, but which with the help and guidance and mature role-modelling of our adult caregivers, most of us matured beyond. Narcs are emotionally-young children, trapped in adult bodies, and this is no fault of their own. (If we all understood and recognised this, we might not so easily be fooled or victimised by narcs). Leave the self-righteous 'Holy Spirit' and 'Demonic Spirits' out of this!
And in becoming a peacemaker, you may be able to help your family members and friends that are narcs to see that sin in their lives so they can learn they have it and can confess to our Father Yahweh through Jesus Christ.
Our families and friends are worth it. They are worth it for me to mortify the sins that cause me to react wrongly and to argue with them. Most of the stuff argued about is meaningless and petty anyway.
I don't want to do anything that could cause them to not be in the Kingdom of Heaven/God or not to want be.
You don't understand what a narc is if you think it's your holy mission to save them.
my narcissist just left because I wrote him a beautiful closure letter ..he couldn't believe my kindness and hasn't contacted me..he didn't get the reaction he wanted
deen2121. I need that letter.
Hahahahaha!! I just did this. No anger in my letter. My own closure, and clearly stating I was aware that he most likely wouldn’t respond or provide closure but that I didn’t need it, because I knew, within that letter, my thoughts, intentions and character were clear and I could move forward with no more doubt or what-ifs. 24 hours later, he unfriended me on FB 😂😂 the trash took itself out. I blocked him, deleted all his contact info, all the pictures, dropped all his stuff at his doorstep in the middle of the night so there was no chance of seeing him. He didn’t have a reason to contact me again to get his things etc. as for my belongings, I mentioned them before when he first pulled the silent treatment/disengagement crap. He isn’t acknowledging it. Not responding to my message, removing himself from my social media etc.. makes it to where I have to work harder to contact him and of course, since I want my things, why wouldn’t I? Guess what? Lol I chalked that up as a loss to the game. All but a few things are replaceable. Lesson learned. I am well aware that I will hear from him at some point about these items, I will not be responding. He may as well burn them. Thank god it only took me 8 weeks to catch this nonsense. I spent my 20’s married to, stuck to this garbage. Broke out. Spent years single. Gained my confidence back. Overconfidence allowed me to fall for the love bombing. The good thing is that I learned from my past and didn’t respond to the games he played after he showed the first cycle. Write the letter, free yourself. Don’t worry about not winning since I’m the end, cutting your own strings is the ultimate victory ☺️
Charlene Forté ohh no. I’m so sorry to hear that. 😓 I’m sure by now you know at least the cycle. It’s NEVER too late to stop playing. The shame is awful. But, you know how to take your power back. You always have the option to take your power back. Every time they do this, we see them a little bit more for who they are and we should be getting a little bit stronger. How are you doing today?
Charlene Forté thankfully he didn’t meet them. Sounds like you just are dealing with the result of depression. It’s a part of the process. It’s also a cycle. You’re human. Your kids will understand one day. Just try to put your best foot forward with them everyday. We always make mistakes. It’s ok. Just keep trying to get it a little better the next time.
Charlene Forté - I would go to a therapist intensively in the beginning only about this relation, and let the therapist know what I want to get over from; until I would feel better... Then, I would apologize to my children and explain that it isn't them I was angry with, and that they did nothing wrong.
I guess you need to separate from him, not only physically and materially; but, also emotionally and intelectually. Get him out of the territory....
Setting correctly and fully the boundaries, helps one start self-healing and it makes change of the emotional status: from emotional dependency, to emotional independency and more ingegrity.
Love!!!
Response, responsibility... Words are powerful. Thank you.
It can't Rain Forever,hope you are not with a narcissist
"Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy" and about "letting the ego go". My narcissist put that exact saying as his status on Facebook, almost a year ago. Watching this video is the only other time I have heard that exact phrase.
Patty McConville, you deserve better
The "worst"thing you can say to a narcissist is:"Iam sorry you feel that way!"😊..just try..
I swear I'm gonna use this one today. This might be my new mantra with her 😂😋
So true ..
Nejka Reiki master I will! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
That's because they think their feelings are facts!
Nejka Reiki master I fkn love this!
TRUTH. I have gone gray rock. My responses are very clear and to the point only about the children and I never respond to anything other than what is to do with our children . I do not give her any fuel no matter what she says to me. This works everything you explain is spot on. Thank you.
Now I have to figure out how to help my children whom she keeps from me they are 1 and 3. I feel so bad for them there isnt anything I can do shes moved them 3 times since I left her. I know I just have to be there to pick up the pieces
These monsters need to stop breeding. They should all be castrated or spayed. They are going to overtake the human race if we don't stop breeding with them!
THE 1 don’t give up. I have the same problem. They will keep you from your children as much as they can. Just get a lawyer and say she is unstable moving the kids around and you may get custody and stop paying child support. You may even get the judge to make her pay child support if you get custody.
The 1 The ex has big money and the court refused to look at all the violence and abuse, the bf narc assisted in my son being removed from my care. Stalked me, broke into my home, gas lit me and more! All assisted in the evil events and continue to prevent me from getting a job, because they all work in collusion. I finally had to sell and move but just found out he is still around and in contact with the owner who I rent from. He just contacted me when he was advised that I may be moving. He sent a text using the "pet name" he used to call me I waited three weeks before sending a text who is this? Two hours later he sends the wow sweet nothings and his location an hour later I responded Think you have the wrong number. I know he knows but am sure he feels he can worm his way back! These are more than just twisted perps as described in the bible they may look like us but have not the same spirit! The coined the term narcissistic to cover the lack of all human characteristics! From what I read they now want to remove this off the mental health table because their is no cure yet leave the victims of these non human entities on so they can promote that it is us that have a mental illness! There is more to this than most think! The bigger picture is they do feed off us, they are not God's children! This is a spiritual battle and their god is not God Almighty but the one that promotes one to do what feels good at what ever the cost to whom ever! I am sure he will retaliate for the lack of the response he needed, but that is on him. I know he is part of me losing everything as his need for vengeance at the perceived slights when I have a right to choose what I want in my life! I don't want an alcoholic drug addict who feels the need to possess me! I am now free and will remain this way until I die or Jesus returns! Shalom
THE 1 You need a lawyer. She can't legally get away with keeping you from your kids. There's got to be reasonable cause and it's got to be really bad. Not sure what state or the laws in which you are at. But in Florida they don't want the kids separated from either parents unless they reasons and proof.
you are the first person I ever watched about what narcissism is a year ago when I had broken up with my narc of 6 years. I'm so happy to say that a year later I'm 100% narcissist free!! 100% no contact! it didn't happen over night and it wasn't easy but I took it day by day until I finally broke the addiction. on my weak days I would watch these videos to remind myself of why I shouldn't believe anything that came out of his mouth and to never go back. my life is so much better now. and I've heard that him and the girl he cheated on me with live together.... down the street from me, mind you. he decided to move in right next to me knowing where I live. clearly still trying to have some type of power over me in some way even though I have absolutely no contact with him. but I do know that he's playing the same narcissistic games with the new girl that he played with me. so happy to be out of that! a year ago I never thought I could be this happy and feel this good without him in my life, let alone being single, but I am! I can sleep in peace now. no more anxiety, no more constant checking my phone, no more fighting, no more BULLSHIT! if you are still in it, please be strong enough to let go! it's hard but you can do it!!! and I promise you, your life will be SO MUCH BETTER!! thank you so much for helping me!!
Amto 87 bravo for you you're right it can be a very very challenging journey but it's so worth it in the end and I am very happy to hear that you're having a beautifully blessed positive peaceful life now we underestimate how valuable that really is until we fully have it cheers
Amto 87 wtf is it with these losers frm hell???? he lives dwn the street ????? the sorry Narc i flushed stays less than 25 mins away now........Really???? are they on some dumb shit like....hmmm, u cant get rid of me or what....creepy and immature😶
*J.A.D.E.* don’t _Justify Argue Defend Explain_
"I hear what you're saying, and I'm sorry. I can't do this anymore. I don't want any more contact with you." Beautiful.
I've always done my best to not react to the narcissist, but last night it seemed that getting angry caused a huge break through. When I said how I felt in a text. I felt in that In his response he trying to change my reality, I got soooo angry!! It seemed to trigger the unexpressed anger I've held toward him for years and I suddenly saw the entire relationship differently. I immediately blocked him from everything, when I did this I felt he lost his hold on me. I woke up feeling lighter and more like myself.
Lisbeth Agnitti
Sometimes we really need a blow up 😆
It cleanses the air......
And throws the garbage out
I wish I watched this before responding, Im not happy with the things I said in retaliation, and working on forgiving myself. Great Video!
I am 69 and just learning. I too wish I had known.
I have a sister in law who is a narcissist and psychopath. I made myself her target when I called her out. This is before learning all this info. I stay away from her. However, yesterday she spotted me at a local pharmacy and began car chasing me. I was pretty frightened yet managed to lose her. Thanks for this info.
Wow. She is a psychopath. My story is unbelievable. But it's too long and complicated to describe.
I also have a narcissist SIL. It took me over 36 years to figure out that was her problem. Now I am doing all the research I can to help myself. Thank you so much for this video about not being on the defensive and being responsible for my own feelings and reactions. I don't however agree that we can control our initial internal emotional reaction. Only with diligent practice, which I will do. I see her almost every day. I ride in the back seat of the car with her almost every morning.
I envision a plexiglass screen between the front and back seats, and do my best to remain quiet. The less I say and draw attention to myself, the better. I will no longer try to defend myself. That bit of advice was the best I have heard. Thank you so much!
Sittin Pretty 🏃♀️🚗
Um you know you can report those antics to the police ? My sis in law robbed our house. I called the police on her. The family was in an uproar for holding her accountable. Guess what ? She does not rob my house anymore. And the family learned not to mess with me. Would you take it from a stranger ? of course not. Start building your case.
Sittin Pretty you should use her tactics against her
So true. My dad was great with me when I was a child. As soon as I started saying no his anger exploded. This explains why I had trouble saying no to people later on..
when I feel like reacting... I just start singing. throws her for a loop... LOL
Great coping mechanism! 🙌
I've done that too! I'm a professional musician and, at the time I was able to stand there and let the person give me their blah, blah, blah. Once he took a breath, I exploded in song. The narc in this incident just stood there like a deer in stadium lights-not headlights! Loved it! Glad to know someone else uses this. That's awesome!
nuevesen what song do you sing ? 😆
Did the same thing once , just came out of NO WHERE! Sure ended the craziness
my narc mother always pushed me further and further (telling me all the bad things I am and I have caused, according to her, like their divorce, when I was 10..), she didn't stop, never stopped, followed me through the house.... UNTIL I would REACT and shout back at her because I couldn't handle it anymore. This she always used as "being the victim", the immediately called her mother, my grandma (the enabler), told her "how bad a child I am", and she (grandma) would then call me and tell me I have to understand my mother, I can't talk to her like that, I have to be more this and that....... Although I did NOTHING. I just wanted to have my peace to begin with..
THANKS SO MUCH for the video as this is a supersuperimportant lesson!!
Now I try to laugh about the bullshit she says (having learnt quite a lot about narcs in the past years) and just don't mind
kind regards ✌🏽
but when I was younger and laugh at her she would get SO furious, telling me even meaner things than normally.. so I didn't dare to do that. Now I know when she gets furious, it's a sign that I'm on the right way (bc she's fearing losing control)
alao, im the past, whenever I was ON THE EXACT RIGHT WAY to wherever I wanted to be in life, she saw that, I'm sure, and then used these exact tactics to hinder me getting there. So that then I'm sad and she could "be there and (control and) "help" me". crazy person..
idL my mom is exactly like that and what sucks is my dad that was normal and he passed away. then my mom met a narc that was worse then her and also an enabler as well. so I totally understand...
my mother is the same way 😑
mom sounds like she suffering from BPD as well :/
I found that feeling my feelings has allowed me to find freedom from narcissists. I started doing this a few years ago, whenever I felt an emotional charge within (wanted to defend, excuse, minimize, take it personal, or eat) I stopped and got curious about what happens inside of me when I am triggered whether by a narcissist or a situation out of my control. I observed the inner response (panic, knots, ache, hunger) without any judgment. I used to gorge on food when I wanted the abuse to stop, but I stopped doing that and instead watched/witnessed what happens inside of me. Like you said, it started in my stomach and worked all the way up to my head ( this usually takes only a few seconds) and then I would take an organic breath and sigh that was my clue the inner reaction/feeling was over. To me it means I have processed an old emotion and it no longer has a hold on me. I give it permission to move out. It took a couple of years of remembering to do this, but I stayed with it and hardly get any emotional charges anymore. Within 24 hours I get a clear insight about what the emotion was about and where it came from. It truly is an amazing gift I give myself because my instincts/ true self shows me the reality of what I used to think was my fault and gave me answers to why I couldn't connect or find a healthy bonds with certain relationships. I used to think their craziness was caused by something I did, I took their antics personal, but now I view people and situations through my true self meaning I'm no longer living in a false reality. The best part about doing this, besides losing 45 pounds, is that what used to trigger an emotional response no longer does. I am now able to remain neutral ("that's interesting. Why would you say that?") which has caused the narcissist's in my life to no longer get fed so they no longer bother me. Win-win!
Sandy Lucas, you deserve better
My manager is a narc. When I ignore her or don't respond she gets irritated. She constantly says strange things that I believe are innappropriate as a manager. She seems border line bipoloar. I'm a whole lot younger than she is. Her insecurities show everyday. It's sad, but I do not respond. I refuse to stoop to her level.
Great video!
Learn to grey rock her. yes, no, I dont know. Ok. Very minimal response. no information, no details no fan fare. She will look for other targets.
shaylas78 good for you!
shaylas78
I hope ya dont have the old boss I had, I got let go, happiest moment of life :) better yet if ya can try to get a better job w/ better & respectable ppl.
Because someone gets irritated by someone ignoring or not responding, doesn't mean a person is narcissistic.
I feel by ignoring and giving silent treatment, not answering ones question (s) is flat out rude, discouraging and hateful.
Why do that?
It is part of control when one ignores and does not respond.
Now, I can understand why certain ones feel low self esteem and not worthy. That alone can crush a soul.
The day I'm able to not have to deal with my ex due to having a child with him will be a day of celebration!! Just hope my daughter turns out ok in the end. Lord knows I do my best with her in these trying times.
I feel your pain. My daughter is 8 and she legally lives at mine AND at her narc father's nan's (though he tells everyone it's his house) 🤔
I understand how you feel. Unfortunately my son is only 3 and I just left his narcissistic father 6 months ago and the struggle is real. I wish I had the luxury of going no contact. Instead I have to continue fighting for as much freedom from this demon as possible.
My worst fear, my kids turning disordered. 😞
Chris daily me too. My daughter is 7 and I hope she can see that I’m not as stupid as he tries to make me look on a daily basis... need to get away from him
Chris daily,I feel your pain,I think you deserve better
I think it is also important to stop the conversation. You can say something like, my goal is for us to have a positive and mutually healing conversation, we can resume this conversation, when you are ready to talk. Sometimes not saying anything or letting people blab on can suggest you agree with them. I think it all depends but I have to say that ending the convo before it gets crazy in a calm zen way has helped me so much.
Great suggestion. Thank you! So important to take the high road and not get into the pig pen...you only get dirty and besides that, the pig likes it! 😊
Yeah mine is my mom and she is the most extreme case i've ever seen. After 33 years I still can't tell If she in fact cares about me or she really only cares about her self.
Gary .. your mother as a narc. Does not care about you. She cares ONLY about herself. You know this .. she just has not crossed that line in the sand you put down years ago that will make you act on breaking ties. I was 40 when I finally cut my mother off. Because she was actually telling people she preferred my sister over me. Which was the line I had drawn in the sand years before. And I kept that promise to my inner child, if she ever did that .. I would leave. My life since .. has been holidays without worrying if she liked the present I got her, or would she return it to me at the end of the party with the words " this is yours", and hand it back to me. And I have actually gone and had adventures she was always too afraid to do. All of her tapes in my head of " you can't " "Why would you do that " or "Give up" have been spilled to the floor and burned. My life is much happier without her in it. My children are Safer .. with her gone. She cant destroy their self esteem, or devalue them for being my kids.
I dont have to worry about pleasing her, or "living up " to her expectations. My mother .. used to tell me .. to poison her if she goes into a nursing home. So I can go to Jail, and her golden child .. my sister .. can live a free and happy life on the inheritance?? My mother is that bad. Truly. So when you do finally decide to cut ties. Remember what I posted here. Cutting off the narc parent, gives you more freedom to BE YOU, than can you realize now. And knowing my kids have been raised without a narc in their life for a Grandmother ? has made all the difference.
Thank you for helping me develop tools to recognize, respect and maintain my own integrity.
Your information is sound. Glad you clarified reaction / response for those who are not informed. These narcissists are life force draining vampires. I am a survivor i chose at an early age to be mindful. I was blessed and show others how to empower themselves.
I am feeling stronger watching these videos. Thank you
This is so insightful! I’m having such a hard time accepting that my mom is really a narcissist. Even now as a grown up adult everytime I see her I feel like I need to defend myself. I feel like I need to prove myself. I need to tell her everything, that I need to do just as she says. I don’t think I’ll be able to go no contact. I’d feel so guilty but I will definitely see her less. It’s funny because I used to beg her when we had arguments to leave me alone and I know she won’t! I kind of feel stuck
It's incredible how accurately this describes this type of person... I came to this video because my mother is the narcissist in my life. Today she started a fight because according to her I can't love my own nephew more than I love her, that if I don't love her fully, there's no way I can love him... A 5 year old ! They sometimes hit us in places where we have no choice but to react, no matter how hard we try to fight it.
berryfairy68 omg most of the people that are commenting this vids have narc.moms including me..how sad is this!Moms what the hell?!The person that should be closest to you is making you suffer the most-mad world we live in..
They're like attention seeking children. That's what they are. They're emotionally stunted. They seek attention, even if it's negative. They get manipulative too.
my mom would complain to my sister "you love Jesus More than me". Going to church and proselytizing for them. She should help around the house more instead. My sister is a good kid. She cooks and cleans for my mom a lot and helps her with her paperwork and taxes.
me too!
It seemed like my narc mom was jealous of God. When I was around 11 and got saved at church, I thought my mom would be so happy when we got home. Of course, I didn't do it for her, she had nothing to do with it, but I kind of expected her to be thrilled. But later she said something like "at your age you don't have to get saved yet, you haven't reached the age of accountability." I knew she always treated me as younger than I am, but that was ridiculous! Even then, it seemed to me that she was jealous and wanted to be the go-between between me and God, or she didn't want me to be spiritually equal to her.
She isn't healthy enough mentally to be okay with you loving your nephew (or anyone). It would make a normal healthy person happy to see people love each other. It doesn't make the narc happy to see you have love for others.
Go No Contact....Leave that Energy Succubus alone..Be free and grow
Meredith - stumbled across your video blog and very impressed with how clearly and logically you explain these concepts. You are a great speaker and appreciate you concisely getting to the point. Many bloggers ramble on endlessly and I lose interest.
I often "react" and regret it, always have in my 50+ years of life. Accused as hyper sensitive, overly emotional, and the narcs good ole standby "crazy". Your explanation of reacting as "stepping out of integrity" resonates with me. I get it!!! I will use the mindfulness and breathing to respond vs react. Thank you
Peace4Me Finally! Me too! I'm enlightened that this reactivity and defensiveness are due to narc abuse from my mom my entire life and subsequently several intimate partners and husband. Good luck on your road to self discovery, recovery, healing and freedom!
You don’t have bad days, you let those days go bad. That’s powerful to me! Big hugs back at you sister.
I hope you have a beautiful day 🌈
"The most important thing here is that you remember your response is your responsibility, and it is always your choice. Nobody makes you do anything. That is what the narcissist says. 'You made me hit you. You made me cheat on you. No.
Nobody makes you do anything. Even the emotions that you feel . It doesn't mean it's right what they're doing, but whatever you feel in response to that is _your_ responsibility, is _your_ choice. It's how you feel. Nobody makes you feel. You choose to feel that way. If you don't want to feel that way, then make that choice. If you don't want to react in that same way that's going to get you into trouble over and over again, then make that choice...this is a message of empowerment, this will change your life, not just in the relationship with the narcissist, this will change your life across the board...and remember, you don't have bad days, you let those days go bad. When something bad happens, you got to lift yourself up, you got to raise your state up and out of that."
thanks for saying that. it makes so much sense to me. I've been reacting the whole time and it's made it so hard to get away from the Narc. I finally quit responding at all to his texts that he's sending because I can see he's pulling out all the stops to get my reaction. his threats and accusations are now just a rediculous reminder of why I need to get away. Thanks so much for your videos!! They have made I huge difference in my life!!
Great job!
Thanks for the Truth..I have a mother who is a narcissist, who is caught up with herself..I can't be around her, for more than 10 minutes..She puts down everyone, she is never at fault, everyone is plotting on her, she talks AD NAUSEAM about the things she has done, for people in the past..If you point out or show her fault, she gets enraged and screams, and is quick tempered..And hour from whence the argument or discussion has ended..She speaks to herself about the incident, but strategically do in ear drop distant of you..To provoke and instigate. It's a nightmare to be around her..No one wants to be around her....When her mood is elevated, you can't get a word in, she talks over everyone.... She also thinks it's because people are envious, and jealous of her....When its because of her personality....Now she is old and in her mid 70's...and has that as a crutch.....And tells people she going to die one day..
Sparta 300 you described my mom spot on! Thanks for the insight
Kyauna Miller Wow..That's very interesting
Sparta 300 That is my mom totally! It is worse now that she is older, almost 70! I have stopped trying to figure her out. She can't fool people anymore either, like she once did. She looks crazy! I have gone low contact and can't be with her for that long too! I can never be my real self or disagree with my narc mom. It is very exhausting not being my genuine self. I have such a sense of relief when my visit with her is over! It is torture! I am an only child, so for now, I am not cutting off total contact yet but knowledge like this is power! They are sick people!
Heather
Sparta 300
😂😂😂 everyone is going to die one day.
My ex narc friend even said he wants the people's reactions. He was watching for them. This is a HUGE red flag. But I didn't know it back then.
He doesn't have any opinion or feeling. He copies and steals it from others. That's very insecure. He knows to disguise that deficit with arrogance. Just miserable.
When I sometime went gray rock by "accident" I saw him like burning alive from the inside because of not getting emotions or reactions from me. Very revealing.
This is your RESPONSibility 💯 you only have control over your own actions, or lack thereof 👏🏾
OMG THANK YOU!! You're so right about them taking offense and being "injured" by not agreeing with them and then they feel the need to punish you for it. I never thought of it that way. This is so helpful. Thank you
oh my goodness i go through this with my husband. I treat him as a patient. now i will know how to react to his comments. thank you. I normally react defending myself. About the child hood part yes, it did happened as you said. I will continue to listening and learning from your videos. Thank you.
@@oscarwilliamson1264 I left. I ran.
@@oscarwilliamson1264 Puerto Rico
@@oscarwilliamson1264 I am ok sorry 💔.
I've been with a narcissistic for 14 years I just now started to open my eyes
Anairis Bustos Suero me 2
3:59 this is gold. The toxin in my brain creates that wrong reaction: "I don't agree/I don't like the person, so that's because I do something wrong, --> I have to correct my behaviour --> so the other will behave good towards me". What a wrong process of thinking!!! Thank you for pointing it. Great video.
Thank you for this.
Narcs want to confuse you into believing you're the problem when actually they are. They get a kick out of creating chaos, destablization and tricking you into thinking you are the blame for their dysfunctional behavior.
@@Cerez78 yes, the gaslighting. It's horrible. These comments..they're all making me cry. But, I see all of you working so hard to get out, to be happy. It's inspiring to me. I don't feel alone anymore-though I wish none of us had to deal with feeling trapped in our own prisons. I wish us all a happy, fulfilled life.
Sometimes it’s a sibling and the parents are co dependents.
Yes you are so right. This is my situation
My nuclear family growing up was my narcissist mom, and my narcissist, golden sister. I never understood what I had done wrong. In my thirties my sister told me that they agreed that I was just not cut of the same cloth. My husband agreed and told me that it's a good thing, if I was, he wouldn't have been interested in me. That was the moment I realized that it wasn't what was wrong with me. I have spent my life jumping through their hoops. Now I have the vocabulary, they are narcissists. Knowing this has made all the difference! I taught myself to say " I am a grown woman and I don't need my Mommy to like me". It took time, and I don't see them often, but when I do, I'm not hurt by them. Good luck to all of you.
"Whatever you feel in response to that is your responsibility, is your choice; its how you feel - nobody makes you feel - you choose to feel that way. If you dont wanna feel that way, then make that choice."
Exactly