Signs Narcissist About to Discard, Devalue You
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- Опубліковано 28 лип 2022
- Signs of imminent devaluation and discard by the narcissist:
Emotional absence, indifference, and coldness
Affected “civility”
Constant criticism and denigration
Passive-aggression
Unfavorable comparisons
Setting you up for failure and misconduct
Paranoid ideation and pathological jealousy
Sudden secret actions (financial or romantic)
Public disparagement and humiliation, also with common children
Sex withholding or degradation
Cessation of all joint activities, especially of a social nature
Pervasive distrust and micromanagement
Discard reenacts unresolved separation phase.
Individuation depends on devaluation (in order to preserve grandiosity and exit the shared fantasy) and externalization-projection (reversal of internalization-introjection). When either of these two processes fails, hoovering results.
So, emotionally, discard precedes devaluation. The narcissist hangs on to his partner only in order to complete the devaluation.
Devaluation resembles also the separation phase in adolescence: reactance (defiance), contempt, distancing, negative identity formation, approach-avoidance.
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When we face discard phase, the narcissist is a completely different person from the one that we met and fell in love with. Behaves like stranger to us. Hard to understand and assimilate. Great explanation, thank you, Prof. Vaknin.
That makes so much sense. Thank you. I didn’t know my husband at all the last two years before I left.
@@smileyglitter852 yes, I haven't gone behind him to check, but I m afraid the same is going on here. Doesn't call me anymore, doesn't come back home to sleep (coz he says finished too late and tired after work 🤥),goes out every night, for sure must be having an affair.
That’s hardly true, strangers treat me nicer, he behaves like a rabid dog foaming at the mouth
@@oliviagoldin7737 i said that because he is completely indifferent to me. There is lack of feelings and emotions towards me, as if he was a stranger. Perhaps you are dealing with a malignant narcissist. (Most dangerous of all). Be careful.
No its more like they show you what they're about finally and stop love bombing you. The love bombing phase is the narcissist holding up a mirror if you will. That person falls in love with themselves because the narcissist is reflecting you back at you. I believe Sam said the person finally gets a peek into self love and its addicting. Thats why it's hard to let go.
As soon as you realize that there was never love and that he was never really there, it doesn’t hurt any more. You lost nothing but illusions and have the chance to find yourself again. Get away as fully as possible.... here is nothing to lose but everything to win.
👏👏👏👏
I agree he never really loved me at all. That realization helps tremendously.
Yes, it helps to keep on, but the feeling of sadness and betrayal remains because you did love that person.
As a diagnosed narcissist I have to say this dude nails it every time.
This is 100% accurate: they become an adolescent, and you will find yourself saying to yourself, if not aloud to him as well, "He's acting like a rebellious teenager and I'm his mother, for Christ's sake--this is bullshit!" And every day becomes 'opposite day'--if you like it, he HATES it, yes is no up is down back is front, etcetera. He becomes contrary even about that which he himself espouses; it's insane, irrational, and you know it, but--hey--he's still around, so.....Yeah. No. He's already long gone, you just haven't been gutted yet, with your heart shredded and your intestines dangling out of your body. But that's coming. Get out before it does!
When you've met one narcissist, you've met them all....so predictable and boring....when you know; you know, you know? Xxx
response. That is Exactly identical to my situation!!It's a freaking Nightmare, absolute he'll on earth!
I appreciate the explanation with such candor. Thank you.
Wow. That's exactly what I experienced and you describe the feelings precisely true to life. Thanks for sharing.❤
Yes same same same
The best thing is when you discard them first and never looking back separating and divorcing them
I am ashamed to admit that the person I was convinced was my soulmate for 30 years did every single devaluation technique described and I broke my heart, mind and soul trying to fix him and us. How could I have been so stupid to devote my life to a non-person who was never able to truly love.
Will I ever feel whole again and how can I ever trust anybody or my judgment again?
Thank you Professor Sam Vaknin for your work, it is helping me make sense of my life.
So sorry to read what you had to go through, I experienced it too, so I know how heartbreaking it is. I ask myself the same questions : how could I let this happen ? (I tend not to call myself stupid, cause then I devalue myself even more) Will I ever trust again ? And trust my own feelings/thoughts/judgement again ?
I am still trying to make sense out of it, but there’s nothing rational about it. This video gives so much clarity, but it makes the experience not less painful, does it ? Sending you lots of healing energy ❤️🩹
I feel for you having experienced it for 11 years. I cannot imagine 30 years of it. Healing is a long process from this Sona Boo. You have 30 years of trauma, that will take time to rebuild yourself. Hang in there, cry, be angry, and embrace the small seconds where you might not think about him. Seconds becomes minutes, then hours. Yes, you will feel better one day, and you will get to a place where you can look at yourself in the mirror and not feel ashamed or call yourself stupid. It took me 6 months to stop saying “imperfection” to myself in the mirror. That was the word he used on me. It does take therapy tho, and that can be brutal in itself.
@@MissSuzapalooza thank you.
I was 16 and he was nearly 19 when we first got together. I was 19 when we married. I now believe I was objectified from the start.
I have a counsellor now.
I totally get it, I used to look in the mirror and repeat his words too…
You do nothing for me. You serve no purpose. You have no function.
He followed that up with if you don’t like how I speak to you why don’t you F.. off!
He knew exactly what he was doing.
The use of the word imperfection about a person is crazy making. Who on earth is perfect?
I will get him out of my head. We all deserve a bit of peace. I cannot believe how so many people have gone through and have been changed by such similar traumatic experiences.
The best revenge will be moving on and being happy.
Sorry. I feel the same. The answer is you dont trust. Men are egotistic opportunists. I find they are not to be trusted in the dating world. The stories you hear are horrendous! Im not saying all men. There are decent ones im sure. But for the most part its not an option I care to try even after all these years. Seriously.
The grief is real. They are very good actors as they believe their own lies. The mask slips though and they can't keep the lie going anymore even though they will still lie.
Just happened to me again yesterday. I did see it coming for about the past month or so, though. And he's already love-bombing his next target, a married woman. These people are gross, and the lowest of the low.
I’m proud … I saw all of this and started to protect myself … and he NEVER persuaded me that I was beneath him … NEVER. In fact the very opposite which I reminded him of OFTEN. I told him, you can fuck off but you’re going with nothing!
Leave the narcissist with no guilt. He/she might tell others how they were abandoned in a previous relationship, but don't worry about being used in the same sob story. Your well-being depends on leaving and getting all the help and support you can get after going through narcissistic abuse. It's quite traumatic... If I didn't go through it, I may not have started working through my trauma, but at the same time it's still making me feel very angry.
My narc discarded me for the last time. He thought he was one up on me but today I walked out with my girls 5 and 4. He wanted to start entertaining woman off tinder while we were in the house. I'm ghosting him too. Got a family member to communicate with us till I get a mediator.
Amen to that. Don't look back.
Family law court is not a dance you want to have with a narcissist - avoid it at all costs.
@@tuathadesidhe1530 I had forgotten about spousal support, in the end I didn't even care about that either 🤦♀️ That's how bad it was, my sanity was more important to me; I'm so glad I made it out alive, in 1 piece, and was able to find myself again, once it was made known to me that he was becoming physically abusive toward my children to get to me, before he turned on me as well.
Yikes, stay strong and have no contact
I was so confused when he was behaving like a teenager+ toddler towards the end.. he’s 45 years old 🙄 I called him out on this, basically I’m too old to deal with this c***..I think the abrupt change from the intense lovebombing to devaluation is the most mindbending aspect of this whole nightmare.. and it all started when I tried to create boundaries ( I fought back when he tried to control me with put downs, and he also talk to me in a demeaning and disrespectful way, and triangulating me with his exes and his supposedly many admirers) .. he is such a mess of a human being, I’m glad I flipped the script and discarded him first 🙄
This explains the way he ate play dough while sitting at the table with the kids😂
That's exactly what my 2 narcissists said " it's not your fault, you are perfect, it's my fault " . The most painful thing is the ignorance. From hundreds of messages a day to ghosting. It's hurtful.
Oh yeah mine loved me so much one minute then literally an hr later told me to go find somone else as I was too good for him watched me crumble then messaged me the next day like it never happened. This repeated on a cycle. Now he's do cold towards me
Holy sh*tsnacks. Now I understand much more
“You are a good and ideal wife, I hope you meet a partner who deserves you” 🤮
Mine said that he believes there is someone better for him.. what he initially loved in me became the problem! It happened so suddenly.. before that I went to therapy and started to set healthy boundaries and he didn't like this because he couldn't be in control any more .. the sad thing is that he can't see that he has a problem .. he also blamed me for everything.. he didn't say that anything was his fault during a long term relationship... Im in a very dark place right now .. 😞
I feel you...same here
One can only hope they discard you. Blessing in disguise
In therapy for PTSD after a destructive relationship with a antisocial narcissist....I told my therapist that during the relationship I felt like I "his mother", and he was like a "rebellious disrespectful teenager".... Thank you for explaining this to me.....
Yep, here dito... Brrrr
It can go both ways
My ex narc thought she could boss me around in my own house and is extremely demanding
She used to be sweet caring and supportive but since the masked slipped its like a demon walking around in her skin
Im counting down the days when this wicked woman moves out of my home
Exactly how I describe it!!!!
Sam, you’re the reason why I am doing better. By listening to your videos, I was able to connect the dots and make sense of what had happened to me. Merci
This behavior is in part why Hell was created.
Oh my goodness! He did every SINGLE THING “listed”. 23 yrs. Now I know he knew EXACTLY what he was doing!! Deep inside I knew he did but didn’t want to believe it. Just thought he was young and he’d grow up eventually. 23 yrs and 4 kids later and his many discards the subsequent divorce , I’m trapped! Yep, even after divorce, trapped. He never wanted kids per se’, but I did. He just wanted me to “stay put” and keep my “mouth shut”. So it was almost like a favor from him for me to have HIS children. His possessions. “Property of” he’d tell me. 52 now and possibly half of my life gone.
Wow! Just….wow!
A query? So is silent treatment and /or ignoring the beginning of discard devaluation discard phase? All explanations gratefully received. Thank you.
Dr Vaknin - can you explain how/why narcissistic behaviour is so formulaic, like a script? We are probably thousands thinking yes, this was exactly what happened. The actors in these setups, however, did they plan this?
Repetition compulsion, it is psychological. They are not aware of it
I cannot find any words. I just remember the pain. You put everything I experienced into words. Now I know his thoughts. He pushed me to misbehave. My emotions were overwhelming and I would spend days anxious, feeling like the ugliest woman, most worthless person. He was the love of my life. I had no idea this was his "game". Checking out other women, looking at me to see if I noticed. Bringing up other women. Comparing my attributes to them. So subtle. I thought I was just crazy and jealous. The rejection hurt the most. I would beg a 58 year old man for sex. Beg. Then we would fight. He had this plan the whole time. I had no idea it was a game.
I wish he would just separate from his mom. She's the one he should stand up to and do this to. He holds a lot of contempt for her.
My ex did ALL of these things to me before the discard.
After a period of brief kindness - followed by criticisms, devaluing, eventually I started to distance myself from him and put up boundaries to protect myself. He sensed me pulling away and then made a “proposal” for us to talk. I was too scared to be in his home. Then he said goodbye and blocked me. I in return have blocked him back, but not before sending him proof that I had found of him seeing a transgender escort.
I told him, he will never have access to me again.
Love your strength I did something very simular but to hear it from someone else it's empowering . Shut that shit dwn even if it takes all you have at the time to do it .
@@jessicamarks5577 thank you.
I’m totally broken right now. After 5 years of giving and finding out what he did. This was the second time too ( that I know about)
The worst thing is, he always created an issue over my trusting him and he would constantly tell me that I have trust issues and need to see someone - only to find out all along that my gut was correct. I betrayed myself and should’ve listened. Never again will I doubt my instincts.
How demonic these creatures are.
You handled it like a true warrior!
@@kevingillard5474 thank you. 🙏🏽
What a lesson!! These ppl are really Demonic. My Narc did some of those exact things to me as far as shutting me out and not speaking to Me whenever I checked him on a behavior. Now that I know what I know I don’t feel bad at all. Yes I eventually blocked him and I’m ok with never having to speak to him again. He was really draining
I wish I had learned all this decades ago it would have saved me a lot of internal grief. This is my exact experience with a person I considered good friend. He actually did discard me multiple times over 3 decades. I assume he tried to replace me but couldn't so he came back again & again. He was invited into my life, family & friends but it was more like he intruded, while I was not allowed too close to his family & circle. Even though I didn't understand this behavior at the time, I'm proud of the healthy way I processed it. The shared fantasy concept is spot on! It was something that always set off my Spidey senses about this person and left a rather creepy feeling. I know exactly when I was discarded this last time, it was when the shared fantasy reached a pinnacle. Then the devaluation began out of left field. Bizarrely often in conjunction with shared fantasy claims about how much he did value me. He claimed I had changed into something he didn't like, when truthfully I had become more wise and healthy minded. When he couldn't break or control me with weird ass left field insults and attempts to embarrass, he became more and more angry, even threatening violence. Then the projection started...a truly bizarre experience. I really appreciate this information to help make sense of it internally and help identify and avoid it in the future.
This explains a lot. Shows why her behavior was what is was early on. She pushed me away 4 times, I left each time, then she wanted me back, only to start up the same behavior in a short time. I saw it, and wondered what was she doing? Why was she saying the things she said? She's Covert and each time she seemed to me to be sabotaging our relationship, always blaming me. So last time she wanted me back I told her No Promises, because of all her prior complaints about me.
Unfortunately that time I went back to her I married her. Almost immediately I saw the signs again that she was what I thought at the time, sabotaging, and maybe she did what normal people do, when you go No Contact, they panic and want you back. I thought maybe she was just sorry she did that after she got me. A lot of normal people do that after a break up. But as time went by, and I kept wondering what was wrong with her, after 10 years of seeing how she acts, and things she says, I started searching for more knowledge than what limited amount of Pshyc knowledge I had. I knew what a Narcissist was, but didn't know about Covert. So many traits, and actions of the Covert fit her perfectly. At the moment I'm still married to her and in same house. It's been roommates only for 4 years. Tension built, and 4 weeks ago we had a huge blow out after not arguing since she established 4 years ago that she was done trying. All my fault of course!!! So here I am at 62, broken hearted and getting divorced from someone I love who I'm in close contact with daily. It was extremely frustrating over the years, because she claimed she loved me, but kept bashing me. I thought it was because of her childhood trauma and baggage from two past horrible spouses. But she fits too well of that of a Female Covert Narcissist. That being said, it helps me cut the cord and move on. These Coverts can really hook you emotionally because you see them being nice and sweet to everyone else, while they bash you, and blame you for ruining the relationship. So you're blaming yourself. All the while they have been no Saint, have plenty of dirt of their own, and you saw it, but the blame was put on you so much that you weren't honestly evaluating their behavior. They also accuse you of what they are guilty of. Had I been thinking clearly, I would have dumped her a long time ago and not wasted 18 years of my life. They have you thinking it's all your fault and thinking if you just do what they want....
When you do nothing wrong, they'll accuse you of something you didn't do, and have you playing defense. If you actually do something wrong, they'll go ballistic and use it to bash you. Cut you off and ignore you. The discard doesn't mean they'll come right out and say break up, like a normal person does when theybwant out of a relationship. They will treat you like dirt until you leave. Knowing what dirt she has done, since I met her, I suspect she only wants divorce now because she plans on getting a new source. And might already have someone in mind. She made me (nothing in her mind) so she can't feed on me. She does still get pleasure while I'm still here in the house, feeling like she has power over me, and occasionally pushing my buttons. Financially (although she makes good money and doesn't need mine) at the moment she's supporting her daughter and 4 grand children, and needs my input. Otherwise I suspect she would want to speed up the divorce and me moving out, so she can date a new source. When they discard you, and you go No Contact, they panic but not like regular people do. They will date someone right away, then realize that new person isn't easily controlled, they have to love bomb them, and spend too much time training them. They grab you back, thinking you're available and ready to be bashed again and only love bomb you for a few weeks, before they start bashing you again. These people really think they do no wrong and have no idea they themselves are really sick. All you can do is fave the fact they have issues and escape to save your own life. They're main goal is to make you miserable. Put you in a place to always be sucking up to them. They'll never see anything good about you, and only the bad in you, and never look at themself in the mirror. Never admit they did anything wrong. Anyone out there younger than I am, please get away from these people. It will never be a good relationship because no matter what they say about wanting a good relationship, they dont want one and won't allow themself to have one. All at your expense. I'm no Saint either, and they don't want the perfect person anyway. They'll find someone they suspect isn't perfect, get you to reveal your deepest darkest secrets, implying they love and accept you for who you are, like youbjust found your soul mate, then use that information against you.
How are you doing now?
These people are nuts the devaluation with the one I was with started in 3 months no I did not know what was going on but when I talked to his ex and told her what he was and we started comparing notes she was devalued in 3 months as well these unstable creatures need to just go and get a counselor if they have mommy issues and start projecting it onto the rest of the world cuz we're not their mothers blame who did it to you not who didn't
My narc ex called me lazy. She told me her ex bf used to treat her so much better. She told me I'm dishonest. There were lots of "jokes" where she put me down.
Wow. Just wow. This completely sums up the last ten years of my life with a narcissist.
It's amazing, terrifying, and totally unfortunate just how long we endure this nightmare, hoping desperately for change that will only result in our further devastation, denigration, ultimate destruction :( Prof. Vaknin is invaluable in showing us the universal signs of this inhuman abuse so we can quit while we may yet be ahead.
I’ve been out of my 7 year relationship with a narcissist for 5 years now, and slowly, the pieces are coming together, understanding what happened to me. So many layers. This video really hits home. Connects the dots even more. Wow.
Wow, your words describing the devaluation are like words of a poet. They really sank in & articulated the pain I experienced 😭😢. It was indescribable for me, but you described it to a T.
So true
Hard to match the feelings with words....it's a mish mash.
Yep. I can’t wrap my mind around how it feels. When you’re in the midst of it, your brain is constantly in fight or flight. That’s the best way I can explain it. Not enough oxygen to reason out the intricate tangle. At times, it makes me wonder if I’m the narcissist!
33:17 those are the exact same words my ex-narc used during devaluation phase: "you have deceived me, you have tricked me, you are not the same person as when we first met, you have changed".
That’s what I heard: You’ve changed…. But it was HIM that changed… I had pictures that showed the withdrawal, from HIM.
Same here this is not my wife he spoke in 3rd person? No you are not my wife . You are not the same
This completely explains why everything I think, say or do is criticized. But the victim needs to stop trying to convince the N of the truth. He HAS to see you as completely bad to justify his discarding you. But it's also painful to know he is telling everyone how horrible you are and what a victim he is.
Exactly..he terribly devaluated, cheated, cruelly discarded and spread terrible lies about you..and still presents himself as the victim..what?? 🤯
Prof. Vaknin, could you please talk about the consequences for the children raised by a narcissist father x healthy mother/or PTSD mother. Would be very helpful to clarify and understand if the child can stay heathy in such circumstances, specially if the mother is mentally healthy. Thank you from Brazil.
Fortunately for those who go through this ugly repetitive cycle can get a glimpse of how the narcissist truly feels about you and about himself. If you can learn from it, you can grow from it.
Devaluation happened before my pregnancy. He ran cold and neglectful of me and my needs and was even reluctant to have sex although we had agreed to try for pregnancy. Now I know that was when he had devalued me.
I have a younger sister who treated me in the way Dr. Vaknin describes. I had to go no contact several years ago. Afterwards, I've never felt better!
Spot on with the "11-year-old" mental age. We were dating and in the swimming pool, he asked me to carry him edge to edge like a kid. I was 50F and he was 51M and I thought that was weird but I agreed in good spirits. However, more actions surfaced during the 9 months we were dating. I ignored my gut feeling that it was like dating a spoiled tween. There were outbursts in public and I had to remind him to mind himself so people wouldn't stare. I don't mind men who cry and show their vulnerable side but he was too mopey and angry at the same time, I felt he was the one going through perimenopause. Two psychiatrists and one psychologist later, I still feel I was --- am -- the one who caused all of these to happen to me. But now I'm convinced I was an innocent (or ignorant, as I voluntarily ignored the red flags) victim. It just hurts that I was duped by a shell, when I was a real human being to him at that point. Thank you so much for all your insights. Stay healthy!
The narcissist can be jealous of the intimate partner's attractiveness. Maybe the primary reasons they were attracted to them. Especially if the intimate partner's attractiveness improves. The narcissists insecurity then provokes them into devaluing the intimate partner to attempt to break and demolish their self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth.
This has saved me a fortune in therapy. I’m his ‘mother’ I’ve been devalued & discarded. Sexless. No intimacy: he drinks too much. Lately his mother has been sharing inappropriate things with him about her and his father. His temper tantrums have been worse with me since. Fancy girl in his work has left, it was all in his silly head. He spoke about her to me as if I was his ‘friend’. I can barely look at him. Im too young fr this shit. I’ve well & truly been knocked off the pedestal. I’m going to start to prepare an exit plan. Thank you 🏴 I feel like a single wife. He had nothing when I met him. Unbelievable.
This clip is a very succinct summary of my April and May in 2006. Ugh! ...It is healing to hear how it was always going to be inevitable.
The night my narcissist decided to discard me for good, he told me very loudly, that he "hated me" and that now, I would know what it felt like to 'be alone". He turned over, despite my crying and went right to sleep. The next day... he never came back. When you say that the narcissist gives you back your snapshot and projects on it.... that is so eye-opening. 😢 I thank you, Professor Vaknin for all of these videos.
That’s so horrible . You did not deserve that 😢 I’m sorry
This is somewhat what I went through :,( Im so sorry
Your videos explain all phases of a 20 year relationship that left me puzzled, frustrated and confused. It explains all the break up and getting back together, why they are now reaching out via text after two years (next month) of no contact. Thank you for your work - confirms I'm not the crazy one - my pain level greatly reduced simply by understanding what happened and why it never changed - it can't. Wow!
35:28 "when this process fails there is Wolverine" (hoovering) UA-cam translation has a preference for super heroes 😆
I was devalued, replaced , devalued then brutally discarded and voila, the replacement was suddenly in the spotlight 😮
I am always amazed when I listen to your videos. There is no one in the field who offers such accurate psychological insight into narcissistic personality disorder. Thank you for sharing your knowledge and wisdom.
The narc I used to date, before the devaluation phase started, he told me one day that he had already pictured me with someone else, living happily, while he rotted in hatred and loneliness. After that, when the devaluation stage started, he just pointed out how stupid I was to stay and that he wanted me dead. Twice, he begged me to stay after devaluating me, with the promise of changing his ways, of working it out. In the end he didn't, everything and everyone seemed to be the problem and life sucked according to him. I left.
This explains the malignant narcissist I eventually divorced while I was at Easter mass with my children he abandoned and moved out of the house leaving me with 3 young children 3,5,8 years old to move away with the married co worker he’d been having an affair with .Telling me with no emotion flatly he just didn’t feel like being a husband or dad anymore
All these videos
Helped so much and are so on point. Thankfully for me, I was ready when it got to the worst part.
I have learned to ignore his insults, clip the strings
On some his tricks, and learned to build myself up before he could tear me down. He can’t figure me out anymore. I gray rock the Hell out of him.
I Never Ever question his behavior that would normally make me react explosively.
I just say, he doesn’t care, doesn’t love and isn’t capable, so WHY SHOULD I?
Thank you. It’s difficult to explain this to people who haven’t experienced it firsthand. I’m divorced from the narcissist but right now the kids are experiencing abandonment for the past two weeks. Very suddenly he stopped purchasing foodstuff and other things that he usually buys for them. They haven’t heard from him at all. We’re not surprised. Last time it happened he abandoned them for two years.
This is super interesting. My ex ended our relationship in a mad rage and he yelled at me that I wasn't such a good person at all. That I had talked about empathy, love and care but that I was no better than him. He was extremely busy putting me down and saying that I wasn't a good person and that this was the reason the relationship ended and therefore he had found someone new (with whom he had had an affair and with whom he is now ). Once we were visiting my parents and he tells them that meeting me was like buying a product with a false product declaration - because he thought I had changed and was not the same anymore. Perhaps a slightly wrong place to express such an attitude but not for a narc obviously.
OMG what a nightmare. Glad you know what's what now! Stay strong, it was never about you.
Mine wouldn't stop calling me fake. Then used triangulation - he had me on the line and someone on his other phone. He wanted me to hear her voice. She was our former neighbor 9 years ago. I know this patterns so although sad & taken aback - I can't say I am surprised. They are children and crazy.
Wow! For many years single since this happened to me. Dr. Is right on the mark. For many years I wanted to know why? This is as clear as it gets and was very painful to hear. Mostly because I feel so so unbelievably stupid and I always thought I was pretty intelligent. Im past the anger now as long as I dont dwell on it to much. I live alone anyway dont date. Too many people today are these types.
My ex 1) love bombed and idealized me and I, like an idiot, basked in the admiration and felt that I was finally getting the love and attention i deserved - weren’t we amazing together and what a cool couple we were 🙄 he was “separated” and assured me that they had been over for a very long time but just hadn’t signed papers yet 2) after a couple of years with me met someone at work who he admired and he started to ignore me, pick fights with me and sneer at me with disdain when I talked a to him, didn’t do things with me anymore (and I’m a mom so stopped connecting with my daughter too, only 9 at the time) I was miserable not understanding what went wrong… he suddenly seemed to hate me. In retrospect once I found out about her, I see that he was pushing for a separation so that he could hook up with this new woman in his life. And when I finally broke down and asked for a separation he came home from work the next day and said he wanted to work things out. I’ll never know, but I suspect she decided not to consummate the flirtation. And I wasn’t allowed to talk about it with him at all or he would get angry. I spent 3 years feeling regret and shame for letting him treat me so bad - and I knew that I had taken part in something that was a pattern… and his ex wife before me probably didn’t expect him to leave her permanently. I am certain he would have done it again if I had stayed with him. It was the worst thing that’s ever happened to me - the pain made me absolutely sick. I divorced him a few months ago and we’ve gone through 3 phases: 1) he was certain I was having an affair and that’s why I wasn’t trying to get him to come back and he contacted my family members and his to tell them so 2) he was sorry for everything and understood why I was hurt and upset and felt so sad for ruining our relationship 3) I received a closure email where explained that he only connected with her because I wasn’t giving him attention and I wasn’t attracted to him (mic dropped)
Can these people be put away? This sounds almost criminal. How can you get Justice from such treatment!?
If you finished with the narcissist you won.
My biggest regret was giving him another chance after 3 months apart. I saw all these things, but I wanted to give him forgiveness, but I only give people 1 chance.
I LOVE YOUR KNOWLEDGE ON THIS DISORDER .
I really like my brain having a good workout on your fabulous channel Prof Sam . The truth is in abundance here and I so appreciate that . So thank you
You've perfectly described the splitting I've experienced coming from someone who has these tendencies
Lol this. All of this. At the end, the abuser became extremely self righteous. Even got a tattoo to commemorate his superiority. All the while using my childhood traumatic taunt me into a altercation. He started calling me by my father s name.
I also love the youtube captions, I've collected the best ones so far:
Sam Back 9
Sandberg
Sandra King
Sam Barney
Sam Wagner
Sam Blackman
Sun Bikini
Sandbagnin
Some Diamond
Thank you for explaining this like no other can … it all makes a lot more sense now. And to know it’s not about us, but all about them helps to heal the wounds
It feels surreal to be living through this experience currently. Thank you for putting words to what my female narcissist is doing internally. Things were good for a spell while she had a low level of stressors in her life. But as stressors around her daughters and two of her grandchildren and their extended family have escalated, she's gone back to self-destructive neuroticism and behaviors and to projecting onto me as her enemy. I have continued to kindle the fire because of my own issues, but inevitably it burned me again. It's remarkable how I've only in the current trauma been reconnected emotionally with past ways that she traumatized me in thousands of small ways.
I am the best I have been in all the years I have been with him PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY. There is no longer pain. I started January 2023 working on me. He doesn’t know me anymore. I JUST FOCUS ON ALL THE BENEFITS I GAINED WHILE HE WAS LOVE BOMBING ME.
Thank God I learned what to expect before it started
This is so real in my life! And I am a "HE"
You amazingly described the exact conduct I witnessed.
It is so painful, have no English words for it.
The idealise, discard then devalue staging actually makes sense since the NPD-afflicted person sees things in extremes and is very black and white. I think I may have been discarded very early in my last relationship. The devaluation started after about 6 weeks. Very interesting.
Some people do not tolerate one moment of their smart mouths. There insults in my world that is not permitted that is not allowed
Excellent video! You did it - again!
I have experienced all these from my narc spouse. Before understanding this personality disorder, I was wondering how gradually she developed all these traits. I was baffled but now I understood and I am now healing. It was an emotional suicide.
Beautifully explained, compliments!!!
Wow this is incredible! You’re explaining it as if you were a camera recording everything that happened between me and my ex narc. It happened exactly how you explained it.
Exactly!! Thank you, Dr. Vaknin
This really sums up the last few months of my life. It's been so painful. I've now been fully discarded, what hell it's all been and I'm not even out.
They do not change. I tried for ten years. He just discarded again last week - the two days were wild. I am stronger now - but it will not change at all. I can actually laugh about it now because it was sooooo immature. He also had the nerve to ask me if I was tapping his phone again 😂
Out of the eyes of a man, the behaviour described in this video is also familiar from all my past ex-girlfriends, before ruining and ending our seemingly functioning relationship because their "feelings have changed" ... while from that moment on I was fighting windmills trying to fix things without a chance. I would not call it NPD per se - maybe "daddy issues" that summon narcessistic traits that push away any own responsibility on their part.
Check out his videos on the DSM5TR, narcissism in women was under diagnosed and now has the same diagnostic criteria.
@@captaron I watch all of Prof. Vaknin's videos. I am also so-called “red-pilled“. I am tired - tired of being pushed into the co-dependant role of the enabler of their entitlements and addictions and pushing my boundaries which eventually force me to walk away from relationships and being a MGTOW not by choice - but ultimately self preservation.
@@IamGlobal73 I 100% fell that especially the part about MGTOW. Like you, it’s not what I wanted but it’s the only safe thing for us. These damaged souls will destroy you and the only way to guarantee it never happens again is to be alone. It’s a sad reality.
20:00 frightening… this is the area I’ve found myself. Sadly accepting the death of the way it used to be.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
Thank you !! 🙏
It’s an Nightmare.
I can see it, it’s soooo very clear, visible ! Thank you !
That is so on the point ..!!!!
Professor Vaknin! Thank you! Perfect for where I am in my current relationship. Have been searching for the details to help me understand narcissism and myself! This is a corner stone video to rebuild my life. Thank you.
THANK YOU, YOUR WISDOM MAKES A DIFFERENCE IN THIS WORLD!
Thank you so much for your work this is so amazing. I do not know if I would make it without your videos. I was wondering for so long what was wrong and explaining it with his depression, my aging, stress… 🙏🏼❤️
Thank you so much for this. It explains what i went through in every facet. 💔
perfect video, like all your videos, I cry with them because it's about my life, I regret that I'm Czech and I don't know English, my language barrier depends on a translator, how I would like to go to Romania and meet you, but I don't know the language, thank you for your work that heals, your loyal listener Silvie
I must thank you for telling me these things so precisely, all these talks have helped me to take decision about my marriage. I have seen all these happening so closely
Armory of slings and arrows...thank God I walked away. Everything you said, I experienced. "Splitting"...exactly 💯
That was an excellent explanation to 30 yrs married to one, thank you.
You have really helped me put things into perspective. Thank you, Sam. ❤️
Thank you dr.sam !!!
Oh WOW! What an extraordinarily novel way of looking at the process that makes even more sense. Drawing more power early on and throughout the negative part of the cycle and to gain prep time and advantage for next victim acquisition.
OMG truer words were never spoken...yes he was trying to set up his exit and make sure he had a new person to use!!
When I realized this I kicked him to the curb....and for him that was the ultimate betrayal, because he didn't have everything in place yet.
I spend a lot of time dissecting the interaction... your videos have been a godsend. Thank YOU.
I very much appreciate this channel and the content - I have learned so much on my road to recovery. On top of "Sam Batman" (on this video the subtitles come up as Sam Vachnin at one point), when you begin speaking about hoovering the subtitles are "when this process fails, there is Wolverine" at 35:24
😄😄😄
Why does my narcissist never punished his real mom? His my is a covert narcissist, he doesn’t stand her but he fakes it and treats her well
I guess it is because he failed to separate from his mom and he still can’t 🤔
I see Sam Vacuum on my closed captions. Maybe the A.I. is being facetious and wanting to say "Hoover" Lol
My sister is a pharmacist. She insisted that I need stimulants for undiagnosed adhd. I trust her at the time. Our family had a history of addiction and these medications sent me on a soil of dependence for a while. Looking back it feels purposeful.
Thank you, Sam, for these videos. I was interested in psychology since high school, but chose another major. But never stopped learning, it was a hobby. Nevertheless, even though during 20 years being together with my husband I've seen many signs of this dynamic in my marriage, and having had a lot of knowledge about personality disorders, never have I recognized it as it was, because I have never had such a comprehensive dive into the mind of a narcissist as you provide (and as many others, did not want to accept it as it is, rationalizing his behavior). Now the puzzle pieces got together. Thank you for providing logic and clarity.
Here I am in the abrupt discard phase, after a long period of devaluation (the second time). Oh well. This time I know this should stop. Thank you.
I have a theoretical question: if I remember correctly, you've said that cluster B disorders are often comorbid, and it's sometimes difficult to separate them in one person. Also, that Asperger's syndrome might be misdiagnozed as NPD. I wonder, if it's Aspergers, or other cluster B, should the partner do the same - run? ;)
Gracias por tu enorme ayuda Sam Vaknin. Fuiste el hilo de Ariadna gracias al cual pude salir del laberinto. De toda la información que encontré en línea, de lejos la mas profunda, completa y esclarecedora.
Excellent! Textbook behavior.
I want to express my deep gratitude for the valuable knowledge you share on this topic, Doctor Vaknin. Your contributions are truly cherished, and I can't thank you enough for positively impacting lives. Thank you, again.
You exactly described 18 months of my life. I am still healing.
On the realization that I’m dating a Narc 😢. He devalued me already, verbally abused me just because I did something he didn’t like (I’m honest that I have toxic traits too especially when I overthink) and when I tried to break it off with him because I don’t like how toxic I am becoming for him, he played the victim and cried. I cared about him and doesn’t want to see him like that so I forgave. It’s been a while since it happened and I’m afraid it will happen again. It’s traumatic. Though if it happens again, I will definitely walk away
👆🏼THIS IS THE ONE!!!!!
This explains it ALL.
👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Prof. Sam Vaknin, this was the best video of yours and I've watched most of your videos, especially the ones on Bpd. The way you explained such a complex, multifaceted issue was incredible. I feel like I can move forward without closure now that I have watched this video explaining what I just went through.
Much love from Edmonton, Alberta, Canada!
❤
This explains perfectly what I experienced with my ex. My devaluation lasted a year until I cut ties, and it was mentally exhausting. It was one of the worst experiences of my life.
I didn’t understand why she kept me around, so this video has been helpful.