Відео

The thought of marriage obviously terrifies some people. And who could blame them with the divorce rate pushing 60%. He's been married 3 times, that in itself without the avoidant personality should've been a big Red Flag for her. Just my thoughts...

Thank you 🙏

“I think this relationship is one of affection, sexual attraction, spiritual connection, and intellectual attraction but I just can’t get there.” On my birthday weekend. Slept that night with their back turned to me. And, the next morning, tried to sneak out of the hotel room while I was asleep.

It's disturbing they can go super lovely to stone cold. I am in D14 NC. She wanted to breadcrump me. I said, you clearly dont know what you want, so I suggested to checkin in 2 months. But I doubt, currently i would reach out.

12:59 I can say that SIZE is the most toxic, but powerful thing in the gay community, they go crazy trying to get to a big tool guy, even if I say no, I get grabbed and then hated on for not having sex, even threatened, once word gets out, you are ruined unless you play the part of the free giving hung top. People should get to know each other and not expect sex just bx of size.

I have never in my life seen a more backstabbing, lying, cheating, drugs, drunk driving, STDs, size hungry sex seeking, judgmental, materialistic, etc than what I see in the gay community. I am nice to everyone and just bx a guy doesn't want to have sex with guys in the scene, it doesn't give them the right to hate. Why can't gay guys just be nice to each other and not expect the "gay handshake"(sex) is the gay hand shake to see how big you are when they have heard you are hung. Life is more than a big tool. We all need to get along and be nice to each other and act like decent humans.

When you find yourself in an on/off situationship with an avoidant, you'll get a variety of these followed up by "I lied when I said I didn't love you. I was just scared of HOW MUCH I loved you" a few weeks or a month later - even more painful when they said they loved you so much they saw a future and marriage with you. It stings all the more terribly when after years of no contact they want to meet up to bury the hatchet but only after they just got engaged to someone else and they tell you they lied about seeing a future with you but they did really love you. The confusion he made me feel literally changed my brain chemistry and plummeted my self-esteem to an unfathomable low which has led to me making some pretty terrible decisions in my life.

I’m coming off a break up that was very sudden. Told they wanted to get back together with me and I ended up flying 1500 miles to see him. He told me he love me flowers jewelry the whole bit and then at the end he made up a whole slew of things that we’re not true. The reasons he couldn’t be with me, basically treated me like crap I feel foolish for even getting sucked in, I hope he gets karma.

I have literally been told so many of these buy avoidants! 😂. At least I’m getting so much better at spotting them out before I go in too deep

LOL!! 😂 Is there a script for avoidants that they use? Spot on, on every single Word 😂

Hilarious, yes. My exhusband (20 years relationship, 15 married and 3 children) said we had never got along well...

The future faking is crazy with these folks

Concerning neurodivergence and attachment I came to the understanding that it’s two different things that often coexist. They concern different areas, circuits and neurochemicals in the brain and their formations or impair there of in the early development. ADHD concerns the executive functions in the prefrontal cortex and an imbalance of dopamine mainly while attachment is concerned with the bonding system and it’s related brain centers and chemicals. As both irregularities mostly stem from stressors in early development they often occur simultaneously which can lead to the impression that they are the same or cause one another. But they can also occur independently from eachother, for example ADHD can result from a stressfull environment of some sort in the forming years while at the same time the bonding system did get enough nurturing to develop fairly adequately. Of course for both there are numerous different possible causes and circumstances. But I do think it’s important to look at them as two different things.

In my experience, many avoidants are more aware of their limitations and lack of capacity for building an intimate connection than we may think. But shame prevents them from taking accountability for that, so they often come up with weird concepts that are supposed to justify their mindset and make it look like you’re close minded for not being understanding and respectful enough. I fell into this „trap“ and felt so guilty for a long time, even after he left. I‘m assuming the best, that they don’t do it with bad intentions, but the impact of this behavior is what matters in the end, and it can be devastating to be on the receiving end, so we really shouldn’t absolve them from their responsibility.

Thanks a bunch, Ken! This is helpful - I really like the part of black and white thinking - we should not blame only ourselves, or judge ourselves - like we are 100% was not enough, likable, guilty for everything And, I also appreciate the part about the revenge and anger ❤

Mine told me that 'you may not agree with my reason for ending this relationship but it is MY reason and I don't have to justify it to you' Imagine being so cruel hearted to someone, it bothers me that they hurt me so much and are enjoying their life with zero repercussions

Mine got offended I did not ask him if he still had temperature because I was working and traveling out of town. then he said it was not like in the beginning and the love was not what he had expected it to be even though I attract him immensely, that there was no INTIMACY 😂and our communcation was bad because he had issues with communcation. So why is OUR communcation not good and not only YOURS? I was communcating my needs quite well... I even shut my eyes for so many red flags because I gave the beneift of doubt and because I believed in this person...

Ken that title ... again she was a side chick for a man in a relationship and then a cheater that abused her and she found in bed ...narcissistic mother babysits her younger sister but again im not the right guy.. i told her its all good

thanks for the book recomendation of niel strauss, the truth! I loved it, great book - could you recommend something else interesting; not necesserally attachment theory!

100% Accurate: I need time but let's be friends. Oh I lost feelings for you. Oh communication does not work with you...( basically, never communicated what they wanted or needed even if I asked)....

Thank you for including situationships and the addiction of the intermittent high highs. The pang of being dismissed, the longing, and brutality of joining into the fantasy of playing like we were a couple, without being a couple, and then the harsh cut-off after 4 years, and a night out that had me on cloud nine. Ugh I took the bait and the pining for him, trying to make sense of it using my inner critic, what a crucible. Thank you for these videos!!!

could you do a vid explaining why avoidants want to be friends?

They can be a real bunch of little bullshitters. It’s a crock.

Oh they absolutely will remember you. My avoidant has contacted me twice now, it hasn’t even been a year since he discarded me.

I didn't get any of those, just a break up after a minor argument & then a list of things that I had done that were apparently conflict behaviour over a span of the previous 5 months.

As you can see, avoidants are very rational and logical. I love their narrative, the way they speak & think the most absurd things and make a lot of sense of it. How they know to separate emotion and reason (BS), how they are read and studied and always right. Because of course, there is no other way to think and do things in a way that takes into account both people in the relationship. It's all fear.

In retrospect I can see this is what happened but why did she want to be friends and then breadcrumb emotionally and sexually while she was with the new gf the she moved onto in a few days. And say the new partner is great etc

What happens to the aviodant when you reach your limit and blow up at them? I was very mean and I called him a coward among other things. 💔

Great video, Ken! You unpackaged a lot here

Hi Ken, thank you so much for explaning this, you slap my ego. I'm better after watching your video. As an anxious attacher, this is a terrible experience for me. She said i didnt do anything wrong and in fact I'm good but she left anyway. She said she just doesnt feel love anymore and I couldnt comprehend it with all the love i gave to her. it's been 3 months since she discarded me abruptly without communicating it beforehand. She jumped to a new relationship so easily while I'm still processing the pain. I think I'm handling it better now. I'm angry at her but I will try to see my worth too. As of today, i said yes meeting new people and I hope I finally find someone who is emotionally available for me.

wow ken, youve upped your skincare game now! congrats! :)

!youre so great ken! i love your tips how to get over :) im going to try them

I compare the social scene to December holiday celebrations. There are many options (Christmas, Yule, Quanzaa, etc) and each person engages in their celebration differently. The larger celebrations have strong traditions that many tend to follow, but there are some who choose to not engage at all. Some people judge others for not adhering to the dominent practices, while others are accepting of all beliefs. We don't need to fit into a box or adopt a lable to be valid as a person. There needs to be a puch toward normalizing social interaction without judging other for their beliefs. Online forums and chats need to include platonic options. We need to propote the concept of being friends without hooking up, or having been in a relationship previously. Not every single guy who is friendly with a couple wants to throup (my word for making a coupe into a throuple). Some older guys are interested in being supportive and functiong as a mentor for younger guys, but cannot because of the perception that any attention toward younger guys is being an "old perv". We all know that the gay community is capable of lust, but let's give friendship a chance.

Thank you so much, I thought maybe he loved his other exes more than me and that was why he only blocked me

Ken, you always seem to post a video about a topic that helps me 5 months after a break up with someone I believe to be an avoidant. You really helped me when you said that someone who does not that into you will not do these certain things. I just saw a short where a woman was saying if he tells you that he's not ready for a relationship which was one of the things my ex told me it's just that he does not want a relationship with you. He had told me that he had a type, he made talked about us going places, at one time he mentioned that he wanted me to meet his family I just could not understand how he did not have real feeling for me. I'm trying to get over it but I feel like he was special and I just miss him I don't know if anyone will ever make me feel the same.

After that disaster you jusr can NOT trust anybody. Until the end of your life.

Again the absurd "You feel and think wrong way. Don't think so!"

I have never thought I did anything to cause the breakup. I am so happy to have people like you to explain this to me.

Topic request: where to start with inner child work

Absolute golden content that had been overlooked. Transformative and insightful . Thank you Ken

9 Traits of Borderline Personality Disorder - 1: fear of abandonment 2: unstable interpersonal relationships 3: identity issues 4: impulsivity 5: suicidal behavior 6: instability 7: feeling empty 8: inappropriate and intense anger. followed by intense shame and remorse. 9: paranoia I have been suicidal since at least 5 years old Now I'm 45 45 years of hell and torment and torture and rape and abuse and suffering my self esteem has been raped out of me my whole life red hot white burning homicidal rage surges through my veins 10. Trying desperately to understand how I was "friends" with people I loathe and despise, and how I thought that was normal... 11. How on earth will I ever heal from the ceaseless life-long rage?

I have been suicidal since at least 5 years old Now I'm 45 45 years of hell and torment and torture and rape and abuse and suffering my self esteem has been raped out of me my whole life red hot white burning homicidal rage surges through my veins 10. Trying desperately to understand how I was "friends" with people I loathe and despise, and how I thought that was normal... 11. How on earth will I ever heal from the ceaseless life-long rage?

I have been suicidal since at least 5 years old Now I'm 45 45 years of hell and torment and torture and rape and abuse and suffering my self esteem has been raped out of me my whole life red hot white burning homicidal rage surges through my veins

Priceless information. Thank you.

My suggestion would be how to survive the discard when you have cptsd and not go crazy existing and knowing that person that you shared so many intimate moments will do them with someone else. For me it's the most painful reality that I can't really know how to live through

Topic ideas: Why can’t the avoidant repair conflict with you? Why is the avoidant committed to their narrative of why the relationship ended?

He legit told me all of these. My ex was a textbook avoidant. He’s blocked for life!!

Kookaburras!! 😂

those birds :D They took over all the attention :D Thats lovely <3 Thanks, Ken!

"There's no UFO that goes around, picks them up and puts them straight into therapy just yet" had me cracking up 😂😂 Thanks Ken you're really saving me day after day with this messy situation