Just listened to this one again. There was a brilliant point Ken made towards the end: "What motivation do these people have to change... if their coping mechanisms work so well... so they'll just go from one bumpy experience to another". Bingo! My ex has been doing this for over 50 years. He's pretty good-looking, so there's always going to be a supply... what motivation do they have to change? Sure, the end of a relationship will always be a bit painful, but not as painful as looking inward would be.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 why are they ALL like this. In my case, their anxiety was sky high because they "don't have art hanging on their walls too" and that "we wear different shoes." You can't make this up!!
Yes I briefly dated someone last year, he said we weren’t long term compatible because I’m a picky eater. Apparently his best friends back in Peru have restaurants, one sells the best chicken and the other is a fish restaurant, I don’t eat either. By the way we both live in london, this was an imaginary scenario, of me being an embarrassment and not being able to take me to said restaurants if we were to ever visit Peru. I told him I was looking for a deeper connection then just sharing a love a Chinese food 🤣
Avoidants are so shallow. The slightest things will bother them. No matter how normal one is. It will get to the point that stra gees are treated better than their partner. Even if it's a nervous system subconscious defensive mechanism, it's extremely abusive and unacceptable
this is great - but so often women are told to just write a letter and burn it. I would strongly suggest Ken's approach - which is to be sure of what you want to say to the person - the best closure I ever got was in speaking up for myself, and making it clear to the person how I felt - NOT anything else I did "on my own". It isn't because people need a reaction or are dependent on the avoidant - but because fundamentally: expressing yourself TO someone that did you harm is better than expressing it to yourself lol. I know how I feel. The universe knows how I feel. Why should he be shielded from that? (Again: the nuance is - you're not begging the other person for anything. Ken put it perfectly: "I wish you all the best but I don't care if you live or die [ because that is my general stance towards strangers]". That internal work *allows* for the freedom to express oneself *without* needing anything from someone so incapable at giving anything.
@sushisam3010 i myself say that to people: "you are not responsible for my feelings - however you are responsible 100% for your actions - including hot and cold behaviour. People understandably have normal and negative emotions in response to bad behaviour." Owning your own feelings 100000% means you don't look to avoidants to validate them. But! You feel comfy enough *neutrally naming what happened*. I am very ok with telling people about their bad behaviour - what they want to do with that info is up to them. I also value myself enough to know they really missed out - and they know that too deep down. And hey, if I trigger their shame....*shrug*. ;) i am not responsible for their feelings either.
Yeah but what's the point of giving you non-sensical reasons? Mine told me I was "confrontal". Yeah, after 2.5 months when she's still multi-dating and have active dating profiles and also refusing to make a decision for another 2.5 months. Of course I am going to confront and put a stop to that BS. And she also gave multiple red-flags from me drawing up boundaries to not being treated as an option to me talking out problems to others ("I'm a gossiper") to me asking a friend of hers for a character reference to make sure I was not engaging a narc that was punishing me for stonewalling for 2 weeks.
Very interesting point on health issues. I had been wondering if there was a connection. My severe avoidant's ex-wife was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I developed a severe hormonal imbalance while we were together. Just saying.
Such a good episode, totally agree with the health issues, I met a narcissist and an avoidant this year, both short lived experiences but both put me into fight or flight and have put me off dating for life and I have now been diagnosed with an autoimmune skin condition that is very rare to get at my time in life. Also 💯 agree with the childhood trauma, once upon a time I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, now I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone that had those issues.
Ken, in the last video, you mentioned that the mind of an avoidant is different from other attachment types. Could you explain this difference better, do you mean just emotionally or neurologically? Are there any scientific studies that demonstrate this? I ask this because I read the title of this video and I wonder how someone could say this to someone and find it completely acceptable. That's very cowardly. What we need to learn is to not put up with abuse. Know your rights and your shadows in a relationship and not accept BS. We also need to look at our own maturity, to understand how we can get involved with so much superficiality.
Just listened to this one again. There was a brilliant point Ken made towards the end: "What motivation do these people have to change... if their coping mechanisms work so well... so they'll just go from one bumpy experience to another". Bingo! My ex has been doing this for over 50 years. He's pretty good-looking, so there's always going to be a supply... what motivation do they have to change? Sure, the end of a relationship will always be a bit painful, but not as painful as looking inward would be.
🤣🤣🤣🤣 why are they ALL like this. In my case, their anxiety was sky high because they "don't have art hanging on their walls too" and that "we wear different shoes." You can't make this up!!
Yes I briefly dated someone last year, he said we weren’t long term compatible because I’m a picky eater. Apparently his best friends back in Peru have restaurants, one sells the best chicken and the other is a fish restaurant, I don’t eat either. By the way we both live in london, this was an imaginary scenario, of me being an embarrassment and not being able to take me to said restaurants if we were to ever visit Peru. I told him I was looking for a deeper connection then just sharing a love a Chinese food 🤣
Avoidants are so shallow. The slightest things will bother them. No matter how normal one is. It will get to the point that stra gees are treated better than their partner.
Even if it's a nervous system subconscious defensive mechanism, it's extremely abusive and unacceptable
this is great - but so often women are told to just write a letter and burn it. I would strongly suggest Ken's approach - which is to be sure of what you want to say to the person - the best closure I ever got was in speaking up for myself, and making it clear to the person how I felt - NOT anything else I did "on my own". It isn't because people need a reaction or are dependent on the avoidant - but because fundamentally: expressing yourself TO someone that did you harm is better than expressing it to yourself lol. I know how I feel. The universe knows how I feel. Why should he be shielded from that? (Again: the nuance is - you're not begging the other person for anything. Ken put it perfectly: "I wish you all the best but I don't care if you live or die [ because that is my general stance towards strangers]". That internal work *allows* for the freedom to express oneself *without* needing anything from someone so incapable at giving anything.
@shriyahari9855 I'm curious: have you ever heard: "I am not responsible for your feelings"?
@sushisam3010 i myself say that to people: "you are not responsible for my feelings - however you are responsible 100% for your actions - including hot and cold behaviour. People understandably have normal and negative emotions in response to bad behaviour." Owning your own feelings 100000% means you don't look to avoidants to validate them. But! You feel comfy enough *neutrally naming what happened*. I am very ok with telling people about their bad behaviour - what they want to do with that info is up to them. I also value myself enough to know they really missed out - and they know that too deep down. And hey, if I trigger their shame....*shrug*. ;) i am not responsible for their feelings either.
@shriyahari9855 I really enjoy reading your comments.
@@sushisam3010 thank you!
@@shriyahari9855brilliantly expressed!!
Oh
My
God…
What a devastating experience… I am so incredibly sorry….
When i read the title im like wow at least your DA gave you a reason 😬
Yeah but what's the point of giving you non-sensical reasons?
Mine told me I was "confrontal". Yeah, after 2.5 months when she's still multi-dating and have active dating profiles and also refusing to make a decision for another 2.5 months. Of course I am going to confront and put a stop to that BS.
And she also gave multiple red-flags from me drawing up boundaries to not being treated as an option to me talking out problems to others ("I'm a gossiper") to me asking a friend of hers for a character reference to make sure I was not engaging a narc that was punishing me for stonewalling for 2 weeks.
Sounds exactly like my last relationship. It's very helpful to hear your reaction. Thanks, Ken, for another great video 😊
Very interesting point on health issues. I had been wondering if there was a connection. My severe avoidant's ex-wife was diagnosed with bowel cancer. I developed a severe hormonal imbalance while we were together. Just saying.
Such a good episode, totally agree with the health issues, I met a narcissist and an avoidant this year, both short lived experiences but both put me into fight or flight and have put me off dating for life and I have now been diagnosed with an autoimmune skin condition that is very rare to get at my time in life. Also 💯 agree with the childhood trauma, once upon a time I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, now I wouldn’t want to get involved with someone that had those issues.
Avoidant is best coupled with another avoidant/narcissist, says coach Ryan. Much less suffering in those relationships.
What do you think, Ken?
Well, mine (probably FA, at least) didn't like my bum, so... After 4.5 years...
Ken, in the last video, you mentioned that the mind of an avoidant is different from other attachment types. Could you explain this difference better, do you mean just emotionally or neurologically? Are there any scientific studies that demonstrate this?
I ask this because I read the title of this video and I wonder how someone could say this to someone and find it completely acceptable. That's very cowardly. What we need to learn is to not put up with abuse. Know your rights and your shadows in a relationship and not accept BS. We also need to look at our own maturity, to understand how we can get involved with so much superficiality.
he already has a vid called the thinking of avoidant or something in such way
Glad to see video of people again rather than an audio analyzer and static title page.
❤❤