@@jdprettynailsdo you think your ex partner ever healed and moved on from you having sex with another dude behind his back? A dude who didn’t even want to commit to you
Thank you for what you said about Limerance. I find it so upsetting and hurtful that the genuine love I felt for him is just written off as obsession and delusion. I find myself yelling at those videos “But he reciprocated!! This isn’t just a crush from afar that I’m deluding myself into thinking is a real relationship. He repeatedly told me he loved me, we spent an entire year together!”
Indeed she is my soulmate. Our relationship triggered every abandonment wound I have ever experienced. I began researching love bombing and ran smack dab into attachment styles. What a fantastic journey I am on now! That wouldn't have happened had I not gotten together with her. She's moved on to a different partner, me? I'm still grieving and working on healing my attachment style. I'm not sure if she's a fearful avoidant or a dismissive with an anxious side. It's my understanding that a true fearful avoidant is a very small percentage of people. I'm blocked after we had been talking about good memories.
29:31 I guess you could say “the toy they play with is no longer available” but it’s more that they never grew up experiencing healthy boundaries and also project a parental role onto their partner (as all insecure attachments do) so when a partner sets a boundary it feels like deep core wound parental rejection and abandonment. It doesn’t feel like their toy is no longer available to play with.
I have BPD and ADHD and. I can totally relate to the fearful avoidant stuff, but the DA is outa that realm. Just ended with one and the oly difference between him and a narccissist is that he may have loved me at some point. Avoid both of them..they cause the same hurt and trauma.
“When your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fakes, you took me to hell too” if anyone is going through this right now, listening to the tortured poets department is incredibly cathartic especially loml. 17 years with a boomerang avoidant, I am positive now that a lot of what I was experiencing was limerance and it’s so painful but also such a relief to finally feel free. “Holding tight to your quiet resentment and My friends said it isn't right to be scared Every day of a love affair Every breath feels like rarest air When you're not sure if he wants to be there So how much sad did you think I had, Did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I'd go? Before I'd self-implode Before I'd have to go be free”
36:46 I have the same question. I have 3 siblings and we came out different. One is secure, one is textbook anxious, one is textbook fearful avoidant, and I fear that I am dismissive avoidant. All kinds of personal variations like birth order, gender, nutrition, heck even zodiac type differences would influence the outcome
In my experience I didnt have big feeling the butterflies excitement and so on... but what I deep feel was a calm sense of knowing and peace with him. I also didnt feel drained in our interactions like I felt in other relationships. I felt recharged and energised. My body wouldnt have enough of him. I am not a very touchy person but him I wanted to be close to him physically . Loved his natural smell. And didnt feel anxious about losing him. It was a totally different experience for me. That is until he discarded me. And I felt like I was going insane from not being able to touch him anymore. I could not cry for a while and was trying to control my emotions and be mature and move on. But I missed him in an insane way and cried like I have not in many many years. Also the experience was topped by so many syncronicities and that the person I had been waiting for was finally brought to me.symbolism that I only could understand.... shared interests that were very unique. So it was not a matter of failing to see what was in front of me as it was all I had prayed for. So. Anyway. I know he is gone and I have healed now but to this day a part of me is not 100% sure that was the natural ending to our story. But I am now also working with a coach and have done some more healing and I trust the process that I am going to find my truest love soon. The one I can build a life with and not just learn another lesson from
Pace is so key I am coming to realize after the disappointment from a discard almost 11 weeks ago. I'm in radio silence but damn the healing from that rush of just an 8 week experience.
Can you do a reel about how anxious types can avoid that mod where they feel they have to solve an issue asap - that urgency feeling to repair asap after a rupture
I put off watching this video because I haven't felt fully seen or understood when others have discussed this. I certainly feel limerent toward my avoidant ex, but saying it is only limerence is doing a disservice to the complexity of our relationship. Like always, you hit the nail on the head.
Wow Ken so much in that!! I’m going to have to watch it again!! Also I’ve noticed limerence seems to be a bit of a buzzword I’ve been seeing a lot recently. Women telling other women they are struggling to get over someone and all they are told is to look up the word limerence. It’s not that simple!
Thank-You Ken, This was in my opinion one of your best discussions. I love how you addressed the subject and presented it. So helpful😊 Thank you for doing this, You are so appreciated❣️
Amazing this is called surrender to the universe by letting things happening on their own believing that what ever is happening is happening for a reason, it could be a lesson or a level up. I am still with a fearful avoidant nearly at the end of the relationship. I just waiting for divine timing ❤
grief and terror debilitate and paralyze me. I desperately despair for true love, I long for it so deeply, I suppress it so much, I could literally faint from the desire... I can no longer bear the darkness that is my life. I am trapped in hell; I cannot find escape. my soul is raped.
Such a great talk. This definitely speaks to my experience. Validating. Can could you please talk more about avoidance and Situationships especially the first few months? Where you feel like you’ve met this person that really gets you and then there’s this cut off or the slow fade and your left feeling like there should’ve been so much more. I found for me that when I remember Parts of the actual bonding, it activates continual longing like this should have been more. Because on some level, this person was deeply meeting my needs in a way that someone else had not before. When that gets taken away, it feels traumatizing brings up a lot of old stuff. But this is also a tremendous opportunity for transformation and growth and I do look at this person like a soulmate because of the deeper connection and it forced me to deal with things I didn’t want to deal with about myself and my history.
thanks for the book recomendation of niel strauss, the truth! I loved it, great book - could you recommend something else interesting; not necesserally attachment theory!
As someone who's poly, I agree it's hard to compete because I don't think that I would want to get into a relationship with someone who is in an insecure attachment style. Maybe you have an idea that they could be using their friends when they want sex, and, with that, you could give them the benefit of the doubt, but I would check for their interactions with their friends and with you. Over time, you could choose to be with them as you see fit, but I would keep in mind what they tell you and believe them when they say thing that come up in avoidant relationships.
Stay strong! Rejection is protection. Watch Ken's podcasts on The Boomerang Avoidant', Healing From A Breakup, and What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup.
My ex (first serious gf) and I were together for 2 years. She didn’t open up to many people about things from her childhood and she had a hard time expressing her feelings from the beginning. I just assumed it would get easier over time, but as the relationship progressed she stopped sharing. I would get frustrated during conflict when she’d shut down and she’d say “I just process slower than you” but she never actually came around having “processed”. Because I became anxious, I feel like I became pushy and impatient and she said she felt like she couldn’t open up to me. I took this personally because I didn’t know avoidants existed. How do I let go of this guilt that I contributed to this unhealthy dynamic? I wanted so badly to make it work and I said we should try couples counseling. Two weeks later, she discarded me abruptly after pulling away throughout the week. My nervous system was haywire, but I just assumed if something was wrong she would tell me! She didn’t. Yet I still blame myself for not having stayed empathetic and patient. We were each other’s first girlfriends (WLW).
Well, some people don’t process simply because they can’t. It’s not their fault, they never learned it and then suppression is the only way to cope with difficult emotions. I feel you, I had no idea what attachment theory even was while in a relationship with a severe FA, and it took me a long time to forgive myself for some of my thoughts and reactions to his behaviors. But what can you really do if all you have is uncertainty and mystery about your partner that’s never solved? What do you have to hold onto? If you don’t have an incredibly strong, secure mentality, the situation will be very detrimental to your mental and emotional wellbeing. Healthy attachment is all about building and maintaining a secure base to return to, and insecure attachment can’t provide that stability.
Oh Ken I could talk to you so in depth about why genetics are the drivers of all sorts of MH conditions 😊 down to the bottom all the way to the top, the end result isn’t necessarily genetic which is why certain MH conditions can change I told this to a psychiatrist 14 years ago when I was in his office, I’m one of those that questions everything and sees patterns, and told him exactly what needed to be done in order for successful treatment of people presenting with MH conditions - he said with a ‘professional, I have been to university & I am the dominant one here you silly patient’ kind of tone, ‘you do know you ruminate too much, do you know what the word ruminate means?’ 🙄 I was 25 at the time Fast forward all these years, & ‘new studies’ are ‘showing’ that these protocols should be implemented!!!! I’d love to sit down with him now & say ‘you do realise Dr, that not all intelligence comes from books and lessons at school don’t you, some people have an innate insight for these things ya know’ 😑
Is it bad if I watch too much content on this topic? It's incredibly validating and cathartic.
I’ve wondered the same thing… I’ve been watching for 11 mos and seems to still soothe me.
If it helps you feel better, I don’t think it’s bad at all. Ken’s content especially has been so essential in my ability to heal and move on!
It is part of the healing process. You need it to eventually learn it was not your fault.
I was just thinking the same is it a tad overindulgent but ❤ it x
@@jdprettynailsdo you think your ex partner ever healed and moved on from you having sex with another dude behind his back? A dude who didn’t even want to commit to you
Thank you for what you said about Limerance. I find it so upsetting and hurtful that the genuine love I felt for him is just written off as obsession and delusion.
I find myself yelling at those videos
“But he reciprocated!! This isn’t just a crush from afar that I’m deluding myself into thinking is a real relationship. He repeatedly told me he loved me, we spent an entire year together!”
Yeah, they call love and being in love the anxious attachement.
This is one of your best videos, a goldmine of valuable knowledge, and so darn relatable, I wish it wasn't.
Indeed she is my soulmate. Our relationship triggered every abandonment wound I have ever experienced. I began researching love bombing and ran smack dab into attachment styles. What a fantastic journey I am on now! That wouldn't have happened had I not gotten together with her. She's moved on to a different partner, me? I'm still grieving and working on healing my attachment style. I'm not sure if she's a fearful avoidant or a dismissive with an anxious side. It's my understanding that a true fearful avoidant is a very small percentage of people. I'm blocked after we had been talking about good memories.
29:31 I guess you could say “the toy they play with is no longer available” but it’s more that they never grew up experiencing healthy boundaries and also project a parental role onto their partner (as all insecure attachments do) so when a partner sets a boundary it feels like deep core wound parental rejection and abandonment. It doesn’t feel like their toy is no longer available to play with.
I have BPD and ADHD and. I can totally relate to the fearful avoidant stuff, but the DA is outa that realm. Just ended with one and the oly difference between him and a narccissist is that he may have loved me at some point. Avoid both of them..they cause the same hurt and trauma.
Love your content Ken ❤ I could listen to you all day
We don't have many days here on this earth. I must make the most of this precious life.
“When your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fakes, you took me to hell too” if anyone is going through this right now, listening to the tortured poets department is incredibly cathartic especially loml. 17 years with a boomerang avoidant, I am positive now that a lot of what I was experiencing was limerance and it’s so painful but also such a relief to finally feel free. “Holding tight to your quiet resentment and
My friends said it isn't right to be scared
Every day of a love affair
Every breath feels like rarest air
When you're not sure if he wants to be there
So how much sad did you think I had,
Did you think I had in me?
How much tragedy?
Just how low did you think I'd go?
Before I'd self-implode
Before I'd have to go be free”
36:46 I have the same question. I have 3 siblings and we came out different. One is secure, one is textbook anxious, one is textbook fearful avoidant, and I fear that I am dismissive avoidant.
All kinds of personal variations like birth order, gender, nutrition, heck even zodiac type differences would influence the outcome
Are you the oldest sibling?
In my experience I didnt have big feeling the butterflies excitement and so on... but what I deep feel was a calm sense of knowing and peace with him. I also didnt feel drained in our interactions like I felt in other relationships. I felt recharged and energised. My body wouldnt have enough of him. I am not a very touchy person but him I wanted to be close to him physically . Loved his natural smell. And didnt feel anxious about losing him. It was a totally different experience for me. That is until he discarded me. And I felt like I was going insane from not being able to touch him anymore. I could not cry for a while and was trying to control my emotions and be mature and move on. But I missed him in an insane way and cried like I have not in many many years. Also the experience was topped by so many syncronicities and that the person I had been waiting for was finally brought to me.symbolism that I only could understand.... shared interests that were very unique. So it was not a matter of failing to see what was in front of me as it was all I had prayed for. So. Anyway. I know he is gone and I have healed now but to this day a part of me is not 100% sure that was the natural ending to our story. But I am now also working with a coach and have done some more healing and I trust the process that I am going to find my truest love soon. The one I can build a life with and not just learn another lesson from
Pace is so key I am coming to realize after the disappointment from a discard almost 11 weeks ago. I'm in radio silence but damn the healing from that rush of just an 8 week experience.
Can you do a reel about how anxious types can avoid that mod where they feel they have to solve an issue asap - that urgency feeling to repair asap after a rupture
I put off watching this video because I haven't felt fully seen or understood when others have discussed this. I certainly feel limerent toward my avoidant ex, but saying it is only limerence is doing a disservice to the complexity of our relationship. Like always, you hit the nail on the head.
So incredibly helpful. Thank you Ken!
Wow Ken so much in that!! I’m going to have to watch it again!! Also I’ve noticed limerence seems to be a bit of a buzzword I’ve been seeing a lot recently. Women telling other women they are struggling to get over someone and all they are told is to look up the word limerence. It’s not that simple!
Thank-You Ken, This was in my opinion one of your best discussions. I love how you addressed the subject and presented it. So helpful😊 Thank you for doing this, You are so appreciated❣️
Amazing this is called surrender to the universe by letting things happening on their own believing that what ever is happening is happening for a reason, it could be a lesson or a level up. I am still with a fearful avoidant nearly at the end of the relationship. I just waiting for divine timing ❤
grief and terror debilitate and paralyze me.
I desperately despair for true love, I long for it so deeply, I suppress it so much,
I could literally faint from the desire...
I can no longer bear the darkness that is my life.
I am trapped in hell; I cannot find escape.
my soul is raped.
Such a great talk. This definitely speaks to my experience. Validating. Can could you please talk more about avoidance and Situationships especially the first few months? Where you feel like you’ve met this person that really gets you and then there’s this cut off or the slow fade and your left feeling like there should’ve been so much more. I found for me that when I remember Parts of the actual bonding, it activates continual longing like this should have been more. Because on some level, this person was deeply meeting my needs in a way that someone else had not before. When that gets taken away, it feels traumatizing brings up a lot of old stuff. But this is also a tremendous opportunity for transformation and growth and I do look at this person like a soulmate because of the deeper connection and it forced me to deal with things I didn’t want to deal with about myself and my history.
thanks for the book recomendation of niel strauss, the truth! I loved it, great book - could you recommend something else interesting; not necesserally attachment theory!
As someone who's poly, I agree it's hard to compete because I don't think that I would want to get into a relationship with someone who is in an insecure attachment style. Maybe you have an idea that they could be using their friends when they want sex, and, with that, you could give them the benefit of the doubt, but I would check for their interactions with their friends and with you. Over time, you could choose to be with them as you see fit, but I would keep in mind what they tell you and believe them when they say thing that come up in avoidant relationships.
Dude I haven’t cried about this breakup in a month but the titanic thing fucked me up a lil
Have you seen that film "about a boy" he talks about men being islands at the beginning and goes through a transformation
I love you . Thank you for being uniquely you ❤
You know whats crazy mine said she didnt believe in soul mates and love doesnt always win... should have been a red flag
How do you break the cycle of repetition ?I do love your videos you are so engaging
Stay strong! Rejection is protection.
Watch Ken's podcasts on The Boomerang Avoidant', Healing From A Breakup, and What You Need To Do In Order To Recover Off The Back Of A Bad Breakup.
Apparently blood type can predict a person's level of anxiety as well or how they feel anxiety
It made me bitter and cruel man. Is it good?
My ex (first serious gf) and I were together for 2 years. She didn’t open up to many people about things from her childhood and she had a hard time expressing her feelings from the beginning. I just assumed it would get easier over time, but as the relationship progressed she stopped sharing. I would get frustrated during conflict when she’d shut down and she’d say “I just process slower than you” but she never actually came around having “processed”. Because I became anxious, I feel like I became pushy and impatient and she said she felt like she couldn’t open up to me. I took this personally because I didn’t know avoidants existed. How do I let go of this guilt that I contributed to this unhealthy dynamic? I wanted so badly to make it work and I said we should try couples counseling. Two weeks later, she discarded me abruptly after pulling away throughout the week. My nervous system was haywire, but I just assumed if something was wrong she would tell me! She didn’t. Yet I still blame myself for not having stayed empathetic and patient. We were each other’s first girlfriends (WLW).
Well, some people don’t process simply because they can’t. It’s not their fault, they never learned it and then suppression is the only way to cope with difficult emotions.
I feel you, I had no idea what attachment theory even was while in a relationship with a severe FA, and it took me a long time to forgive myself for some of my thoughts and reactions to his behaviors. But what can you really do if all you have is uncertainty and mystery about your partner that’s never solved? What do you have to hold onto? If you don’t have an incredibly strong, secure mentality, the situation will be very detrimental to your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Healthy attachment is all about building and maintaining a secure base to return to, and insecure attachment can’t provide that stability.
I felt all of those things then he went back to his Ex
Oh Ken I could talk to you so in depth about why genetics are the drivers of all sorts of MH conditions 😊 down to the bottom all the way to the top, the end result isn’t necessarily genetic which is why certain MH conditions can change
I told this to a psychiatrist 14 years ago when I was in his office, I’m one of those that questions everything and sees patterns, and told him exactly what needed to be done in order for successful treatment of people presenting with MH conditions - he said with a ‘professional, I have been to university & I am the dominant one here you silly patient’ kind of tone, ‘you do know you ruminate too much, do you know what the word ruminate means?’ 🙄 I was 25 at the time
Fast forward all these years, & ‘new studies’ are ‘showing’ that these protocols should be implemented!!!!
I’d love to sit down with him now & say ‘you do realise Dr, that not all intelligence comes from books and lessons at school don’t you, some people have an innate insight for these things ya know’ 😑
I need your help
Hi Nathalie, if you need to speak to someone urgently please reach out to my teammates, you may click on the book-a-session link on this post.
@ do you work with couples?
Codependency doesn't exist. It's not in the DSM, it is a generalised term.