Free Conflict Workshop Replay! Only available for 2 more days! :) matthiasjbarker.com/from-conflict-to-connection/replayjimmy?#a_aid=jknowles&a_bid=d8615494
@@jacnella2419 This video is about INvalidating phrases, therefore negative & dismissive phrases. I think @s.p.3587 was asking for a video on the positive version of this so that the person can feel more heard and acknowledged 😊
Yes, and reactive abuse is also dysfunctional. I stopped demanding apologies many years ago …. still didn’t fix the problems, but it helped me work on myself healing because I realize I can forgive somebody without an apology… I can’t reconcile the relationship without them, but I certainly can work through my hurt and issues so they don’t blow up on everybody else … that can be hard if it’s been a long time since you did that and will make you raw for a while as these things come up… it will happen again if reconciliation actually begins because you will have to face what the other person talks about and let them know you’re feelings, which brings them back up.
My favorite was, “You need to see this from my perspective.” After hearing that for 4 years, I finally replied, “I can’t see anything from your perspective, I can’t get my head that far up my a$$!!” He laughed, I laughed, then removed him from my life.
@@ketobodybuilder2482 DNT jst like my comments on things u can very innocently make known , read the fucking comments on the other videos u know u follow me to everyone of them. . don't try to validate only things ur capable of handling . Like them posts that say exactly how I feel about the god damn truth cuz I know u make ur self known every where else , don't be a coward that's for your self cuz in the end the truth always will come out and the truth is your a psychopath
Followed by my screen shot of them saying exactly that. No misunderstanding. Some people are only text worthy. I no longer speak to my sister. We have a text only relationship. It keeps her a little more honest.
The number of times I heard “you’re so sensitive…” When I’d finally heard it one too many times, I fired back: “That’s a FEATURE, not a BUG!!” And I ended the relationship soon after. Best choice I ever made.
Excellent way of explaining it. Sadly I grew up hearing that from my Dad along with the suggestion that my balling my eyes out was “crocodile tears” and “turning on the waterworks”. As an adult I find out about HSP and I’m like yes that’s totally me.
In life I have learned that if somebody is telling you that they are trustworthy, then they are not trustworthy at all. Otherwise why else would you bring it up in conversation? Trust is earned. Simple 😊
everyone deserves it what you do is inject yourself into it expecting a reciprocation. That would be like a guy being nice to you just to get sex. we do good for good sake. we dont do it for other to do back.
OMG that's such a "passive" Narcissist move!! Those mfer's are ghosts you don't see coming...don't even see them in your space until you start hearing some of the Golden Oldies off this Top 10 list coming out of their mouths 😠
Of my favorite is when they insist “I don’t have the time or energy for this” or “I don’t want to fight” but then will follow you everywhere you go in an attempt to escape them all while insisting that you’re just manipulating them into chasing you because YOU only want to fight. The cognitive dissonance of someone who can say “I’m not going to chase you around and play your little head games” while actively chasing you around because they’re not done yelling at you is astonishing.
I mean, when people want to pick a fight as I've literally got car keys in hand, foot out the door, I really don't have the time and I suspect you're using my rush to catch me off guard and get your way
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a classic narcissist apology. To reword this in a way that enlightens you to what they're actually saying - "I'm sorry it's your fault".
I say this to a male friend. He talks to and about several ex girlfriends while with the current gf. He does understand why the current gf does not feel like a priority.
It's hard to move on when the offender never took any accountability or showed remorse. Actions/inaction can be just as invalidating as words. Last but not least, despite forgiving someone it's not easy to forget, especially without closure, remorse, or apology.
They will bring up anything and everything from the past just to hurt you, but if you bring anything up, they’re like “the past is over!” Pretty convenient for them.
Its a fake apology. My ex was good at this type of statement. If i called him out on anything he would just say, "you believe what you want to believe". What a copout!
The original issue you were trying to resolve is usually much easier to heal from and forgive than the gas lighting, invalidation and belittling that follows…
I know that’s what I kept trying to explain to my husband. If you would just sit and take it and work through it with me, it wouldn’t compound the issue . When you invalidate, gaslight, defend, and argue over someone’s feelings and hurts… all you are doing is making more hurt that they have to get over on top of what they already were feeling. It’s like taking a small cut thinking that cutting it deeper is going to heal the wound. All that does is make it worse and now the wound is larger and bleeding more so now it’ll take longer to heal and more actions to address it- you might even have to sew it up now and hope it heals without a massive scar… Now there’s more things they have to work through instead of just the initial issue.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 exactly. The initial issue could have even been caused by an accident or miscommunication but the follow up is always a choice where they seem to always choose to double down at our expense. It’s hard to leave old things in the past if we are never able to properly work through them in the first place and you can’t forgive shit that just keeps happening. I hope your husband wakes up and listens to you and chooses to work with you before he loses you. I in the end took some space and time for myself (not saying that’s what you should do, just my current situation) and just recently found out he’s watching Jimmy’s videos, feeling somewhat personally attacked and hopefully slowly learning. 😂 But i knew i couldn’t send it to him or he’d have reacted as if i were the one personally attacking him… working with men’s egos is rough. Good luck to you Jax. You deserve a real partner in life who values you enough to talk with you honestly and openly and work with you in this life.
“Why do you keep bringing up the past” because there was no reconciliation, you just left the knife in my back and woke up the next day and the next week and the next month and just made normie small talk while I stood there bleeding in disbelief
Omg and yet he repeats the past. Just wish this covert narcissist didnt live in my apartment complex and lurk around. Disturbing and I cant escape always just turns up wanting to go out for a decent meal and wont bother me again Yeah right
That’s actually not that bad compared to stabbing you in the same exact spot day after day and when you say ouch that hurts didn’t we talk about this last time we talked when I asked you not to do this and if you keep mentioning that they’re still doing the thing that’s hurting you then they get upset with you for “starting a fight” and the fact that “you’re always fighting” while completely avoiding their own role and responsibility in continuing to do the same thing to hurt you over and over even after they “apologized” Also I don’t mean to invalidate or diminish your pain or compare Just adding textures to the abuse
I get this too. I used to bring up past hurts to try to discuss and get over them. Just made partner mad. When I stopped trying to have a relationship he was a lot happier and said he noticed we stopped fighting.
Wow! Hearing all these invalidations, gas lighting, deflecting, disrespectful, non accountable, non apologizing statements all in a row hits home. How I put up with this treatment for so long is heartbreaking. Hearing & seeing this all together within a few minutes, as opposed to sporadically over several years, helped me see the abusive pattern I endured.... Thank you for your eye opening videos...
Same! Left a Narrcasistic husband! And as a result, he took it out on our children was never a father to them, had to chase him down for child support, until the court threatened to garnish his wages. To this day, almost 30 years later, does not speak to me , and abandoned his daughters. Refused to put his daughter through college, said to me I should have saved the child support for college! What a asshole!
@@divinelove7046 Because love has nothing to do with how someone treats you. its a emotional feeling not a rational one. women love abusers and the abuser loves her back because hitting has nothing to do with love.
Here is what has worked for me: 10. You're imagining things: Just like you, we ALL see things from our perspective. Are you willing to care about mine and work with me on this? 9. I don't see what the problem is: I get that. Are you willing to take the time to understand WHY it is a problem for me? 8. Why are you ruining a good day. I can see you don't want to address this issue right now---when would be a better time for us to work this out? 7. That sounds like a YOU problem: It is for sure. Since you are my partner in life, will you work with me to find a mutually beneficial solution? 6. You're so sensitive. I really am. My heart is tender in this area. Would you be willing to be more gentle with me? 5. You're feelings aren't my problem: No one's feelings are "a problem" they are a reality to be noted and addressed with care and respect. Let's do that for eachother. 4. You're making a big deal about nothing: I will tone down, however this IS something to me. Can you respect that? -It could be worse: I am grateful that this is not as bad as it could be. Can we work together to make it better? 3. I'm sorry that you feel that way: Thank you. Compassion is always helpful. I'm sorry too. Can we work together on what is concerning me right now? 2. I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke? :I have taken jokes many times in my life, but THAT joke was not funny to me. Please do not joke like that with me. 1. Why can't you just get over it? :I will. I'm simply attempting to come up with a solution to avoid this concern in the future for the sake of our connection.
Saying these are unfortunately a waste of time. They do not care, and will not try to see your point of view. If they were willing to do that, they wouldn’t be invalidating you in the first place.
This is a respectful way to respond to their disrespect. Some may use this method, others may use humor and sarcasm 👏 It's all about getting to the other person's heart 💛
I love it when they immediately turn it around on you, that you're hurting them or acting like an awful person for.... telling them that their actions hurt you
Had a boss like this last year. I was her employee for nearly five years. The last month I was there, my doctor prescribed me antipsychotics just to get through the work days. I stopped doing extra work (taking charge of the dept, training others, etc), stopped taking calls from them outside of my shifts, and then limited my availability. I never intended to quit without notice, but I didn't care anymore. I started a new job within a week and was much happier!
I went to EEOC, and got my old boss removed from her position. She was so toxic, I cried on Sunday nights knowing what I would face all week. Finally had enough, and went to EEOC who opened up an investigation which validated everything I told them about her toxicity!
When this happens to you as a child and you grow up without your feelings being validated you can end up with borderline personality disorder as I did. First advice I gave my daughter as a new parent was ALWAYS ALWAYS validate her feelings. My little granddaughter will never know that pain thank goodness ❤
Someone made such an intelligent remark and told this is also called baiting. They do it for your reaction, they like it, it is a demonstration of who is in power and control.
Yes!! Recently something about my spouse when he was berating me, using such phrases, made me blurt out “you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” --his immediate involuntary reaction made me know I had hit on the truth. Couldn’t believe that was behind his raging and ranting. Stopped him in his tracks for once, but not because he will change. He apologizes, but only my leaving will stop it from happening again. Sad that will be the only avenue to regain my power
My friend actually helped me with a version of "sounds like a you-problem". I always kept helping people and doing SO much, way more than I could handle or was good for me. He asked me "who is the owner of this problem?" and most of the time it ended up not being me. It helped me see that some people in my life were so used to me helping, that they (probably unconsciously) tried to make things my problem. That in turn helped me to look at it like "Okay, it's not my problem. I'm still allowed to help. But then at least I know I'm doing that because I *want* to, not because I feel pressured."
After hearing some of these consistently, I (regretfully) admit to using them as a response to my significant other's complaints. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it's hard to take the high road when you keep getting invalidated by someone you'd hoped would care about your things.
About math thing... Adding two negatives never gives positive 🤭 even math tells it. Only negation of negative gives positive so oposition to negative. I think people giving this often misunderstand and that's why mention math (not you here)... Have a wonderfull day!
I’m in the same boat. I find myself saying invalidating things sometimes because my partner consistently doesn’t take accountability and puts the blame on me to do the work for him (emotional work). There are better ways I know, it’s hard sometimes though. Very annoying, he just trying to avoid putting in effort. We eventually resolve the issue but it takes a long time to get there 😢
I was happy to see him at nearly a million subscribers, and a 1000 times more subscribers would help avoid many problems marriages can highlight. Our society needs more like him!!
oh my god. my dad used to always tell me to “go with the joke.” usually after i’d been directly insulted several times in a row, with him joining in, and got mad. whenever we said something to him he didn’t like, he told us to be quiet. so i told him to go with the joke. he stopped saying it pretty soon
"Strong feelings"..... damn straight that I have strong feelings! Love is a strong feeling... so is hate... so is grief... so is feeling alone, unwanted, and unheard....
This is one of your best 'shorts' I so want to communicate like this in all my relationships. WHY do I have to work sooo hard keeping boundaries that people think are just there to trample on??!
Because you don’t have clarity about the type of people you want to be around - or a sense of worthiness that you can find and connect with those people.
Because your boundaries are for yourself. You put them in place to remind yourself what you will & will not tolerate. Other people, toxic people, will push your boundaries because it benefits them, not you. When someone crosses 1 of your boundaries that's your cue to leave.
@@abaker2302i used to say to him why do you cross all of my boundaries…he was always controlling, i could never make plans because i had to get with him first. He would say the day the time and there was no going off the route or i was throwing him a curve ball.. and would get angry. If its something he wants to do he’s good to go but for me he would drag his feet almost make us late and if i squawked about it he would say your trying to start shit and make it about me being the problem.
@@abaker2302Yes! Exactly! If we show people our boundaries, they will show us who they are. And then we can decide if we want them in our lives. Boundaries shouldn't be fought over. They should be gladly respected without reminders, or we should leave.
My favorite, said by a former friend after 11 years of friendship (or whatever it was for her), after supporting her after a miscarriage, through burnout, depression and a monthlong stay at a psychiatric clinic, after I texted her that I was disappointed after something she did (she behaved like a selfish a**): ‘You need to get help and stop feeling like a victim.’, then proceeded to block my number and never talked to me again.
This dude nails it every time. THANK YOU. I am telling you, these videos are keeping me sane! Like, “ OH?! It’s NOT ME?!!” Healing hearts, unite! ❤️🥰💯🙏
Where were you when I was 17 dating an abusive narcissist and didn't know my worth? I'm so glad you put this kind of content out! It's so important and it helps that you have a sense of humor about it that will help you reach more people.
The only one of these I ever use on my husband is "that sounds like a you problem" and it's usually about something silly like "wife I can't get up, the cat cuddling me" - if it isn't silly in that context, them I'm usually saying it as I'm helping with the problem. "Wife, I'm hungry" (when we have leftovers in the fridge) could be followed with "that sounds like a you problem" said as I'm dishing up a plate for him. What I mean is that CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING. There are ways to say these words in ways that aren't hurtful, and there are times and context that make "the right" words be just as invalidating as any of these. None of this will help unless you GENUINELY WANT to listen to and validate your partner.
My favorite thing to say to people who use this kind of passive-aggressive communication is, “Listen darlin I ain’t got enough dressing for the word salad you’re bringing to the table. I gotta go do some chores for my mama.”
Wow. I have had all of those phrases used against me during times I have attempted communication with an abusive person. Thank you Jimmy for the validation.
My favorite 5 are: -believe what you want (not giving a yes or no answer) -You are just insecure - "why is that a problem?" "It hurts me" "So? Thats not a reason" - I didnt say that *pulls out receipts* Chhh why do you have to make everything an argument? -You always bring up things -
Wow, you just listed every response I've ever got from my X husband. What I didn't realize that divorcing him didn't make the pain go away, it has been a long rough road to healing and taking back my sanity. Sadly most people don't see what narcissists do to people. Thank you so much for your videos! They have been light in a dark place. I don't know how you do it, but there is so much validation in them.
I needed a year of therapy to find myself again. I thought I was going crazy, he called me stupid all the time. Even after getting a PhD, years after we divorced, he told me if I can get a PhD, every stupid people can as well. His second wife left him as well; she is a successful attorney!
Thank you Jimmy, I just broke off a friendship and have been both grieving and feeling like maybe I was making too big a deal about what happened between us. But this video really opened my eyes, she did # 7, 5 and 3 all the time, especially when I tried to share how her words impacted me. I realize now it wasn't a two way friendship, it was a situationship.
Your vids are so hard to watch sometimes bc they bring tears to my eyes, but so helpful to know there are so many people who need to hear your words! Thanks!
GOLD! You're doing gods work for all of us who feel speechless and give us ideas what to say.. even think. And not becoming this blank space the moment invalidates us
These are often appropriate things to say to strangers.... especially if those strangers are being toxic. If someone who supposedly cares about you talks to you or treats you like this, then they don't actually care about you.
Thank you for sharing this. I have heard all of these from my spouse in the past. Today, we are also on the upswing. I sometimes wonder if I let too much go. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who is willing to give it a second chance, if he is showing willingness to make changes, too.
I am another person who is noticing some changes in my husband after 16 years of these kind of things, including neglect and also other relationship issues… I definitely reacted poorly for many many years and caused problems as well… then I got better and started healing. Yet, that did not improve the relationship. In fact it caused a lot of problems and dysfunction because I was no longer participating in what he was used to…. Right when I was about to give up and was thinking about walking away and even planning on it … he started figuring things out. We are kind of on an upswing… I’ve seen it before though, in the past, it only lasted a few months… so until we get past it just being him trying to save face for a while and seems to be actual change… I am not willing to call it permanent. Unlike other times , I warned him. This is the last go around with improving for him… if he goes back to treating me the way he used to (and I detailed what that looked like for me with him so he is very clear what I mean)- I will leave him and I don’t care what people think anymore… I cannot deal with another round and Lord knows how many years of the abuse (yes I told him it was abuse). he may not be hitting me but certainly from dealing with different kinds of abuse in my childhood (and spending lots of time and money getting help and healing). I can say that being hit and physically abused, while painful and definitely not OK, physical abuses far less damaging than the emotional abuse that usually comes along with it or without it… that damages your soul and breaks you in a way you can’t even fathom until you try to unravel it all and heal…. I told him I won’t put up with it again . The consequences for marriage and our kids is far worse if I stay at that point then if I leave… So he knows this is his last chance … not because I hate him or I’m trying to be rude, but I can’t take any more rounds of this and manage life… I want to finish healing and if he won’t participate and wants to continue creating dysfunction, I need to get away from it. I hope he is serious this time and intentional. I also hope I’m not giving him too much grace about it and he is just playing me… I don’t feel like he is… but I told him if he goes back this time I won’t ever trust him that he loves me and I will begin to think this is on purpose….
I've gotten every single one of these from my bf and I've tried to speak as level headed as possible to him about it and that's when it gets even worse. Legit makes me feel like a crazy person.
Thank you for giving such perfect portrayals!! And although these phrases are hurtful when hearing them (and during the toxic relationship) it is wonderfully refreshing & healing how you add humor to them! Thank you for these clips! ❤
❤❤❤❤ can’t love this enough! All of these reasons are why my marriage ended. I finally stood up for myself and he walked away because some people will never take accountability or care how they treat others.
This sounds like my mom to a T. Avoided partners like that for so long and then i got stuck in a relationship with someone exactly like that too. Biggest thing is recovering from a life time of this shit. With people like my golden child brother backing it up to whole time so he could keep being the spoiled favorite. The gaslighting worked for sooooooooo loooonnnggg.
"I'm sorry you feel that way" And combine in the incessant need for her to never admit any shred of wrongdoing or responsibility. I was the one always asking for forgiveness.
Wow, this is SPOT ON! I hear all of those weekly. THANK YOU for clarifying it for me once and for all! This was the assurance I needed since I’m told I’m the one who gaslights and is a narcissist, when I had to research what those were. I started to question myself after hearing that daily, although I thought it sounded exactly like the person who was saying I was. Although I have a bad memory, the person had me start to question myself. The thing is I don’t forget things that hurt me… Now I KNOW, and others around are starting to see it as well…
“Can’t you just move on and focus on the future?” “Why do you have to be like that?” “Why do you have to keep rehashing the past, it’s over!” “We are bending over backwards for you and this is what you…” Thanks for bringing the light of awareness to these things that live inside us!
If I show this video to my husband, who is a fan of using these 10 famous phrases, he will simply say: just because that guy says it. I can never talk about my feelings, or I am very sensitive, or I always have to be creating problems. Well, he prefers to ignore them and pretend they don't exist or as if my feelings don't exist either. I have lost count of how many times I have asked him if he still loves me. Their responses were silence or saying: I love my family. As if I were not a woman, besides being a wife and mother. In every argument, his solution was to say: if you are not happy, we are going to get divorced. Until one day I took him at his word and then he was the hurt one and I was the insensitive one. I currently find myself distancing myself emotionally from him. If there is no love, there is no pain.
Divorce him. You can't heal while he is under the same roof. He doesn't love you anymore, and what you're doing to yourself to protect yourself from him is an unhealthy coping mechanism that will hurt you in the long run.
Thank you. I think it’s great how you can clarify the exact details in expressions used and articulate how it makes the reciprocate of these expressions feel. It’s really a gift. I send your videos to my boyfriend of 11 yrs all the time and they’re the only ones he’ll watch. Lol.
Your response to “Can’t you take a joke?” cracked me up, I’ve gotten that one a lot. No sense trying to explain to them what a joke is and that a flat out insult isn’t one. I’ve tried that and some people just aren’t bright. They need to know they’re up to their ears in the brown stinky stuff.
Man, you're the champion of healthy relationships, I swear. I knew next to nothing about how relationships should look and feel like, let alone a healthy one. I really, really appreciate your content as it lays out everything so perfectly and leaves no room for misconceptions. Thank you so much, it has definitely helped many like myself. Bless!
whoa hearing them all together like this made me realize how often I’d hear these from my father, like every day pick 5-6 of them. and now I’m on a self-imposed ban from dating because I kept picking guys with the same scripts. yikes
Yup. Same experience with my dad. Awful. Extra awful when I'd confront him about it. He and my step mom have always been just elderly children masquerading as adults. Not mature, not self aware, not responsible for how their words and actions impact others but especially me, etc etc. These are my favorite and really great resources to learn boundaries, genuine self love, dating, relationship, communication and conflict resolution skills: yt channels Jimmy (this one), Stephanie Lynn, Mended Light, Therapy in a Nutshell, and Put the Shovel Down. Also, Leila & Alex Hormozi's advice on dating and relationships. Mended Light's videos and content on dating and relationship skills is researched based and excellent. I'd recommend starting there. Healthy mutually fulfilling relationships can be found / created / built & maintained. It just takes education and skills and practicing those skills to have. -- education that's critical but not taught in schools. Fortunately it's 2024 and great resources and real help are free and easily accessible online for people who want great relationships.
So perfectly done my gawsh. "I feel so valued and respected" Never heard, nor valued. "Cared how your words impacted me but, maybe not" gosh😮 this hit the nail on the head here for sure! It's amazing..i experienced a catastrophic event at my house and I get, that I was having a pity party" it was utterly so messed up! Or "that was a long time ago" good grief these dynamics think you so very much, I just love your chl
Yes I had all of these along with the implication that I needed therapy to help me work through MY ISSUES when I was hurt by the relentless put downs, invalidation, side swipes and undermining! Exhausting to live with I hope anyone stuck currently with a narc can find a way to get out and as far away as possible! They don’t get better! Great material it’s helpful for people to spot the narc’s MO and keep a journal too so you don’t go crazy being told you are imagining things! 👍🏽🥇
My God, this is nuts, I've been feeling bad for months for not helping to things work out. He kept on saying I'm the problem and started to quote me as someone who is gaslighting him all the time. Turns out, he matches 9/10 of these. Thank you Jimmy ❤
Can you be my neighbor so we can hang out and you can give me advice all the time? lol In all seriousness though, this guy hits some good points and I’ve been guilty of saying these things in the past. It sucks that a lot of people would look at this so unrealistically and not learn from it. I’m not perfect, but progress over perfection is key!😊
Just got out of a toxic friendship with two very drama and gossip obsessed "friends" and number 7 hit home. Had that told to me with finger pointing and everything... These were full grown women acting like teenagers. SMH 🤦🏼♀️
Naaailed it! Great job❤ I'm so glad you're helping some people to feel vindicated and understood, and NOT CRAZY, while helping others to wake up and realize that some of their toxic communication habits are more destructive than they realize! Thank you SO much!
You have to try, first. And try again. And again. You could talk about the frustration of trying and them not changing that unhealthy behavior. And if they continue to ignore your needs and boundaries, then you just move on. Many people don't have a clue about healthy communication, but are willing to learn. Some people, however, are always under the impression that it's gonna be alright if I just keep doing what I always do, because it may be a phase, but will wake up if you make it clear you will not tolerate that behavior, and that you will eventually quit if the changes don't start to happen. Other, sadly, will not have the courage or interest in doing so, and those are not for us.
If by "them" you mean real narcissists or sociopaths then you are probably right (though some mild cases could be managable, those conditions are also on a spectrum like everything in psychology). But with regular people you have a fair shot. Me and my husband had to relearn communication and problem solving because what we learnt at home as kids was clearly not ideal. Though not as abysmal as some people have it. Thankfully we had our most major faws in different areas and so we are able to effectively work on being better. As always it is a work in progress, takes patience, compassion and room for failure. Good luck out there stanger!
You can’t prove logic, it’s something intrinsic that all humans share. If someone is committed against logic, there is literally nothing you can do. Imagine you say to someone “is the sky blue?” Then they reply with “no”. You might engage - “is that water over there blue” “yes” “and is that water the same color as the sky?” “Yes” “so therefore the sky is blue” “no”. There is no way to solve that conversation, all you can do is leave it be. It doesn’t matter if they’re avoidant or just abusive, the outcome is the same which is them never taking accountability.
@@GabrielPassarelliGI spent 30 years in four different relationships giving way too many chances for them to improve communication skills and to even just do the very basic minimum and found that it does not ever get better. So now I realize it's more important to seek a partner who already has done the emotional work to heal from their own past and to be a good partner for me.
Omigosh, so GOOD. Just love the delivery, Jimmy! I am very, VERY lucky to be with someone who truly values me and has NEVER said ANY of these things to me in 4 years. Took me 6 decades but I finally decided what I wasn't willing to subject myself to, and then met the man of my dreams. Yay!
Free Conflict Workshop Replay! Only available for 2 more days! :) matthiasjbarker.com/from-conflict-to-connection/replayjimmy?#a_aid=jknowles&a_bid=d8615494
Please make one on top 10 VALIDATING phrases! That, on top of this, would be very helpful.
@@s.p.3587that’s exactly what this video is . What else exactly are you asking for?
@@jacnella2419 This video is about INvalidating phrases, therefore negative & dismissive phrases. I think @s.p.3587 was asking for a video on the positive version of this so that the person can feel more heard and acknowledged 😊
Wah, I missed it 😢
Bruh I feel so click baited
I was expecting it to be your website didn’t even read it was Matt 🤨🥸😖
Edit : @jimmyonrelationships
"An apology without change is just manipulation."
Well you can say the opposite as well, demanding a person to apologize is verbal abuse.
Yes, and reactive abuse is also dysfunctional.
I stopped demanding apologies many years ago …. still didn’t fix the problems, but it helped me work on myself healing because I realize I can forgive somebody without an apology…
I can’t reconcile the relationship without them, but I certainly can work through my hurt and issues so they don’t blow up on everybody else … that can be hard if it’s been a long time since you did that and will make you raw for a while as these things come up… it will happen again if reconciliation actually begins because you will have to face what the other person talks about and let them know you’re feelings, which brings them back up.
Also very good point! Well said
I'd rather not have an apology at all than receive a disingenuous one.
@@otz6408
My favorite was, “You need to see this from my perspective.” After hearing that for 4 years, I finally replied, “I can’t see anything from your perspective, I can’t get my head that far up my a$$!!” He laughed, I laughed, then removed him from my life.
Wife kept lying, "you dont trust me"
Oh, the "what about how I feel?" only for me, I know exactly how she feels at all times
@@ketobodybuilder2482 DNT jst like my comments on things u can very innocently make known , read the fucking comments on the other videos u know u follow me to everyone of them. . don't try to validate only things ur capable of handling . Like them posts that say exactly how I feel about the god damn truth cuz I know u make ur self known every where else , don't be a coward that's for your self cuz in the end the truth always will come out and the truth is your a psychopath
@@Loyalty-ofcwhat?
@@slardebard Huh what did u say
My top 3:
- I never said that.
- Can’t you just relax a bit?
- You just don’t remember it correctly.
Yes!! Omg 😵
why are you in my house 😭
Followed by my screen shot of them saying exactly that. No misunderstanding. Some people are only text worthy. I no longer speak to my sister. We have a text only relationship. It keeps her a little more honest.
The "I never said that" when they JUST said that!
@@Geekabibbleyou misunderstood (+laugh)
A gem from my mum's ex-husband: "I would NEVER call you a liar, you're making that up!"
Woof 😳
🌋
The contradiction within the same sentence is a lack of awareness that’s almost comical if it didn’t bring on a rage-filled frustration.
Did you laugh? I would have.
@@libbywalkup9814 Yup, that's her ex-husband in a nutshell lol
The number of times I heard “you’re so sensitive…” When I’d finally heard it one too many times, I fired back: “That’s a FEATURE, not a BUG!!” And I ended the relationship soon after. Best choice I ever made.
😂😂😂😂 using that!
❤❤❤
Omg best answer ever 😂
I love that! Will use it moving forward ❤
Excellent way of explaining it.
Sadly I grew up hearing that from my Dad along with the suggestion that my balling my eyes out was “crocodile tears” and “turning on the waterworks”.
As an adult I find out about HSP and I’m like yes that’s totally me.
My favorite. “Just trust me.” Immediately after doing something that has destroyed trust.
💀trust me *after breaking ALL their promises*
Ha ya ok
In life I have learned that if somebody is telling you that they are trustworthy, then they are not trustworthy at all. Otherwise why else would you bring it up in conversation? Trust is earned. Simple 😊
"I swear to god, I did not do/say/see that."
"I promise, I will do this if you give me that."
Ah yes like when I caught him lying to me with something big, then trickle truthing and then months later he asks “you never trust me!”
If you get even half of these statements... you arent loved by that person. Get strong, stay strong, and leave that person.
Even one. Turn heel and walk out. Next!
What i needed to hear today, thank you!
What if it genuinely is a you problem or there genuinely isn't a real problem or the person is genuinely being overly sensitive
@dagrox2562 you forgot one, what if it's a narcissist saying these things and playing the victim when there truly was no problem. That happens too.
Yes they genuinely they don’t love you. I had many of those said me by the ex.
The worst part about being a generous person who cares about others is constantly making the mistake of caring about people who don't deserve it.
everyone deserves it what you do is inject yourself into it expecting a reciprocation. That would be like a guy being nice to you just to get sex. we do good for good sake. we dont do it for other to do back.
Also, a BIG one that deserves to be on this list: "I don't have time for this right now". Followed by silence/them leaving.
OMG that's such a "passive" Narcissist move!! Those mfer's are ghosts you don't see coming...don't even see them in your space until you start hearing some of the Golden Oldies off this Top 10 list coming out of their mouths 😠
Going 'radio silent' always has "valid" reason 😆
Of my favorite is when they insist “I don’t have the time or energy for this” or “I don’t want to fight” but then will follow you everywhere you go in an attempt to escape them all while insisting that you’re just manipulating them into chasing you because YOU only want to fight.
The cognitive dissonance of someone who can say “I’m not going to chase you around and play your little head games” while actively chasing you around because they’re not done yelling at you is astonishing.
@@amykilduff3417 these types stalkers ugh 😔
I mean, when people want to pick a fight as I've literally got car keys in hand, foot out the door, I really don't have the time and I suspect you're using my rush to catch me off guard and get your way
"Can't you take a joke"
"I guess not because I'm mad"
The whole delivery of this has me cracking up, but soo accurate 😅
"Get over it" is something I'm going to answer every time someone calls me "too sensitive". Nothing wrong with having more emotion than a toothpick.
I like it. And if they get upset about it, we can tell them they're too sensitive. 😬
I like the comment above (as the comments show up for me)...
"that's a feature, not a bug"
@@RadishTheFoollol
I shot back saying they’re too insensitive and then they suddenly get rather sensitive! 😂 I don’t stick around for more.
so what would happen if instead of "you're too sensitive" they told *you* to "get over it"? isn't that kind of the same thing? (':
"I'm sorry you feel that way" is a classic narcissist apology. To reword this in a way that enlightens you to what they're actually saying - "I'm sorry it's your fault".
'You're always stuck in the past" is a big one I hear a lot from my family, too.
I say this to a male friend. He talks to and about several ex girlfriends while with the current gf. He does understand why the current gf does not feel like a priority.
It's hard to move on when the offender never took any accountability or showed remorse. Actions/inaction can be just as invalidating as words. Last but not least, despite forgiving someone it's not easy to forget, especially without closure, remorse, or apology.
They will bring up anything and everything from the past just to hurt you, but if you bring anything up, they’re like “the past is over!” Pretty convenient for them.
This is usually because they want us to forget their bad behavior. (But they also don't stop the bad behavior.)
Yes, the "past"- the thing they did three minutes ago that they won't take accountability for
This guy is so good at uncovering narcissist statements while making it amusing.
Totally brilliant!
He is my best comedian in utube I love him
Facts!
He certainly is.
He isn't uncovering narcissist statement he is uncovering common statements that are mostly true of women.
'I'm sorry you feel that way.'
Um, my feelings don't need an apology.
Oh. This one. I get this in the wild All the time. 🤮
This statement is infuriating. They're not sorry about shit.
Are they really sorry? It goes beyond the accountability...can I TRUST what they say is even true?...
Its a fake apology. My ex was good at this type of statement. If i called him out on anything he would just say, "you believe what you want to believe". What a copout!
Yea it's pretty much a "fuck you" statement for being a bitch.
if you're verbally attacking me im not a big enough person to just take it.
“It’s not that serious.” Is a major one for me
The original issue you were trying to resolve is usually much easier to heal from and forgive than the gas lighting, invalidation and belittling that follows…
I know that’s what I kept trying to explain to my husband.
If you would just sit and take it and work through it with me, it wouldn’t compound the issue .
When you invalidate, gaslight, defend, and argue over someone’s feelings and hurts… all you are doing is making more hurt that they have to get over on top of what they already were feeling.
It’s like taking a small cut thinking that cutting it deeper is going to heal the wound. All that does is make it worse and now the wound is larger and bleeding more so now it’ll take longer to heal and more actions to address it- you might even have to sew it up now and hope it heals without a massive scar…
Now there’s more things they have to work through instead of just the initial issue.
@@Jaxmusicgal23 exactly. The initial issue could have even been caused by an accident or miscommunication but the follow up is always a choice where they seem to always choose to double down at our expense. It’s hard to leave old things in the past if we are never able to properly work through them in the first place and you can’t forgive shit that just keeps happening. I hope your husband wakes up and listens to you and chooses to work with you before he loses you.
I in the end took some space and time for myself (not saying that’s what you should do, just my current situation) and just recently found out he’s watching Jimmy’s videos, feeling somewhat personally attacked and hopefully slowly learning. 😂 But i knew i couldn’t send it to him or he’d have reacted as if i were the one personally attacking him… working with men’s egos is rough.
Good luck to you Jax. You deserve a real partner in life who values you enough to talk with you honestly and openly and work with you in this life.
Yep!
They know that. That's the extra kick they get from creating the original problem.
@@ohjesswhatamess 'Not wanting to solve things' is intentional. It's part of their thrill from dragging your heart around.
“Why do you keep bringing up the past” because there was no reconciliation, you just left the knife in my back and woke up the next day and the next week and the next month and just made normie small talk while I stood there bleeding in disbelief
Omg and yet he repeats the past. Just wish this covert narcissist didnt live in my apartment complex and lurk around. Disturbing and I cant escape always just turns up wanting to go out for a decent meal and wont bother me again
Yeah right
@@sarahjaye4117 I hate that for you, I hope you can find away to get far from that person
That’s actually not that bad compared to stabbing you in the same exact spot day after day and when you say ouch that hurts didn’t we talk about this last time we talked when I asked you not to do this and if you keep mentioning that they’re still doing the thing that’s hurting you then they get upset with you for “starting a fight” and the fact that “you’re always fighting” while completely avoiding their own role and responsibility in continuing to do the same thing to hurt you over and over even after they “apologized”
Also I don’t mean to invalidate or diminish your pain or compare
Just adding textures to the abuse
@@kevinkurgansky4479 hey these abusers do lots of things at the same time, all of it can and is true at once more often than not!
I get this too. I used to bring up past hurts to try to discuss and get over them. Just made partner mad. When I stopped trying to have a relationship he was a lot happier and said he noticed we stopped fighting.
Wow! Hearing all these invalidations, gas lighting, deflecting, disrespectful, non accountable, non apologizing statements all in a row hits home. How I put up with this treatment for so long is heartbreaking. Hearing & seeing this all together within a few minutes, as opposed to sporadically over several years, helped me see the abusive pattern I endured.... Thank you for your eye opening videos...
Glad you’re out of it ❤
Same! Left a Narrcasistic husband! And as a result, he took it out on our children was never a father to them, had to chase him down for child support, until the court threatened to garnish his wages. To this day, almost 30 years later, does not speak to me , and abandoned his daughters. Refused to put his daughter through college, said to me I should have saved the child support for college! What a asshole!
So many people treat others to these wonderfully destructive statements and still claim to love them.
I know. I have a friend who says they love me so much but they speak to me like this. It never changes. I have had enough.
@@divinelove7046 Because love has nothing to do with how someone treats you. its a emotional feeling not a rational one. women love abusers and the abuser loves her back because hitting has nothing to do with love.
They certainly do love how they feel about themselves around you, when they've abused you.
@@KxNOxUTA I'm sure they love you.
Here is what has worked for me:
10. You're imagining things: Just like you, we ALL see things from our perspective. Are you willing to care about mine and work with me on this?
9. I don't see what the problem is: I get that. Are you willing to take the time to understand WHY it is a problem for me?
8. Why are you ruining a good day. I can see you don't want to address this issue right now---when would be a better time for us to work this out?
7. That sounds like a YOU problem: It is for sure. Since you are my partner in life, will you work with me to find a mutually beneficial solution?
6. You're so sensitive. I really am. My heart is tender in this area. Would you be willing to be more gentle with me?
5. You're feelings aren't my problem: No one's feelings are "a problem" they are a reality to be noted and addressed with care and respect. Let's do that for eachother.
4. You're making a big deal about nothing: I will tone down, however this IS something to me. Can you respect that?
-It could be worse: I am grateful that this is not as bad as it could be. Can we work together to make it better?
3. I'm sorry that you feel that way: Thank you. Compassion is always helpful. I'm sorry too. Can we work together on what is concerning me right now?
2. I was just kidding. Can't you take a joke? :I have taken jokes many times in my life, but THAT joke was not funny to me. Please do not joke like that with me.
1. Why can't you just get over it? :I will. I'm simply attempting to come up with a solution to avoid this concern in the future for the sake of our connection.
Saying these are unfortunately a waste of time. They do not care, and will not try to see your point of view. If they were willing to do that, they wouldn’t be invalidating you in the first place.
This is a respectful way to respond to their disrespect. Some may use this method, others may use humor and sarcasm 👏
It's all about getting to the other person's heart 💛
Don't respect the disrespectful.
This house me so much thank you!!!
I love it when they immediately turn it around on you, that you're hurting them or acting like an awful person for.... telling them that their actions hurt you
Am I the only one who think he is the best coach at love advises ever ? ❤️ thank you 🙏🏻❤️
Yep! And handsome and funny!! ❤️
@@klickingkayasmr7585 of course 😃❤️
Had a boss like this last year. I was her employee for nearly five years. The last month I was there, my doctor prescribed me antipsychotics just to get through the work days. I stopped doing extra work (taking charge of the dept, training others, etc), stopped taking calls from them outside of my shifts, and then limited my availability. I never intended to quit without notice, but I didn't care anymore. I started a new job within a week and was much happier!
Good for you! I'm glad you're happier now.
I went to EEOC, and got my old boss removed from her position. She was so toxic, I cried on Sunday nights knowing what I would face all week. Finally had enough, and went to EEOC who opened up an investigation which validated everything I told them about her toxicity!
When this happens to you as a child and you grow up without your feelings being validated you can end up with borderline personality disorder as I did. First advice I gave my daughter as a new parent was ALWAYS ALWAYS validate her feelings. My little granddaughter will never know that pain thank goodness ❤
OMG, that is exactly what happened to my daughter! So true! So sorry, my heart goes out to you!
my brother's ex has borderline personality disorder. Sadly I doubt she'd validate her daughters' feelings
Oooffff....I've been guilty of a couple of these....🤦🏽♀️....
But going to therapy has helped me immensely.
You are proof that the younger generation is soooooo smart.
I’m 66 and a lot of us are chasing our own tails
Bravo, Jimmy!
And you are very alert and wise for someone from your generation.
Someone made such an intelligent remark and told this is also called baiting. They do it for your reaction, they like it, it is a demonstration of who is in power and control.
Yes!! Recently something about my spouse when he was berating me, using such phrases, made me blurt out “you’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” --his immediate involuntary reaction made me know I had hit on the truth. Couldn’t believe that was behind his raging and ranting. Stopped him in his tracks for once, but not because he will change. He apologizes, but only my leaving will stop it from happening again. Sad that will be the only avenue to regain my power
Rapid fire lessons. Nicely done
My friend actually helped me with a version of "sounds like a you-problem". I always kept helping people and doing SO much, way more than I could handle or was good for me. He asked me "who is the owner of this problem?" and most of the time it ended up not being me. It helped me see that some people in my life were so used to me helping, that they (probably unconsciously) tried to make things my problem. That in turn helped me to look at it like "Okay, it's not my problem. I'm still allowed to help. But then at least I know I'm doing that because I *want* to, not because I feel pressured."
After hearing some of these consistently, I (regretfully) admit to using them as a response to my significant other's complaints. Two wrongs don't make a right, but it's hard to take the high road when you keep getting invalidated by someone you'd hoped would care about your things.
About math thing... Adding two negatives never gives positive 🤭 even math tells it. Only negation of negative gives positive so oposition to negative. I think people giving this often misunderstand and that's why mention math (not you here)... Have a wonderfull day!
I’m in the same boat. I find myself saying invalidating things sometimes because my partner consistently doesn’t take accountability and puts the blame on me to do the work for him (emotional work). There are better ways I know, it’s hard sometimes though. Very annoying, he just trying to avoid putting in effort. We eventually resolve the issue but it takes a long time to get there 😢
I think few of us can claim to never have responded that way. Even if you don't start out that way, you can become 'that person' over time...
@@raraavis7782People can and do, but they’re not ones I’d trust to take accountability for their words or actions in other parts of life, either… lol
@@kimberlyhauser7724
Well, I'm glad you're perfect and have it all figured out *eye roll*.
SO hard to get over it with no closure. Oh LORD I pray you help to heal our broken hearts, and misplaced hopes 😢😭
This man needs and deserves a thousand times more subscribers who genuinely TUNE IN to wtf he is trying to convey to EVERYONE!!!!!
I was happy to see him at nearly a million subscribers, and a 1000 times more subscribers would help avoid many problems marriages can highlight.
Our society needs more like him!!
oh my god. my dad used to always tell me to “go with the joke.” usually after i’d been directly insulted several times in a row, with him joining in, and got mad. whenever we said something to him he didn’t like, he told us to be quiet. so i told him to go with the joke.
he stopped saying it pretty soon
"Strong feelings"..... damn straight that I have strong feelings! Love is a strong feeling... so is hate... so is grief... so is feeling alone, unwanted, and unheard....
Lord... I can't. Thank you Jimmy for bringing this stuff to light. Sad how people treat each other.
This is one of your best 'shorts' I so want to communicate like this in all my relationships. WHY do I have to work sooo hard keeping boundaries that people think are just there to trample on??!
Because you don’t have clarity about the type of people you want to be around - or a sense of worthiness that you can find and connect with those people.
Because your boundaries are for yourself. You put them in place to remind yourself what you will & will not tolerate. Other people, toxic people, will push your boundaries because it benefits them, not you. When someone crosses 1 of your boundaries that's your cue to leave.
@abaker2302 Well said!
@@abaker2302i used to say to him why do you cross all of my boundaries…he was always controlling, i could never make plans because i had to get with him first. He would say the day the time and there was no going off the route or i was throwing him a curve ball.. and would get angry. If its something he wants to do he’s good to go but for me he would drag his feet almost make us late and if i squawked about it he would say your trying to start shit and make it about me being the problem.
@@abaker2302Yes! Exactly! If we show people our boundaries, they will show us who they are. And then we can decide if we want them in our lives. Boundaries shouldn't be fought over. They should be gladly respected without reminders, or we should leave.
My favorite, said by a former friend after 11 years of friendship (or whatever it was for her), after supporting her after a miscarriage, through burnout, depression and a monthlong stay at a psychiatric clinic, after I texted her that I was disappointed after something she did (she behaved like a selfish a**): ‘You need to get help and stop feeling like a victim.’, then proceeded to block my number and never talked to me again.
This dude nails it every time. THANK YOU. I am telling you, these videos are keeping me sane! Like, “ OH?! It’s NOT ME?!!” Healing hearts, unite! ❤️🥰💯🙏
Where were you when I was 17 dating an abusive narcissist and didn't know my worth? I'm so glad you put this kind of content out! It's so important and it helps that you have a sense of humor about it that will help you reach more people.
Most on-point short yet. Jimmy, you are a national treasure.
The only one of these I ever use on my husband is "that sounds like a you problem" and it's usually about something silly like "wife I can't get up, the cat cuddling me" - if it isn't silly in that context, them I'm usually saying it as I'm helping with the problem. "Wife, I'm hungry" (when we have leftovers in the fridge) could be followed with "that sounds like a you problem" said as I'm dishing up a plate for him.
What I mean is that CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING. There are ways to say these words in ways that aren't hurtful, and there are times and context that make "the right" words be just as invalidating as any of these. None of this will help unless you GENUINELY WANT to listen to and validate your partner.
My favorite thing to say to people who use this kind of passive-aggressive communication is, “Listen darlin I ain’t got enough dressing for the word salad you’re bringing to the table. I gotta go do some chores for my mama.”
I love you so much.. I’ve never had someone that could make me laugh, cry, educate and give me a reality check in under a minute. #GodBlessYou ❤
Wow. I have had all of those phrases used against me during times I have attempted communication with an abusive person.
Thank you Jimmy for the validation.
My favorite 5 are:
-believe what you want (not giving a yes or no answer)
-You are just insecure
- "why is that a problem?"
"It hurts me"
"So? Thats not a reason"
- I didnt say that
*pulls out receipts*
Chhh why do you have to make everything an argument?
-You always bring up things
-
Ruuuuunnnnnnn….
Heard every last one of these toxic phrases. Dumped that toxic garbage and never going back
Wow, you just listed every response I've ever got from my X husband. What I didn't realize that divorcing him didn't make the pain go away, it has been a long rough road to healing and taking back my sanity. Sadly most people don't see what narcissists do to people. Thank you so much for your videos! They have been light in a dark place. I don't know how you do it, but there is so much validation in them.
I needed a year of therapy to find myself again. I thought I was going crazy, he called me stupid all the time. Even after getting a PhD, years after we divorced, he told me if I can get a PhD, every stupid people can as well. His second wife left him as well; she is a successful attorney!
Thank you Jimmy, I just broke off a friendship and have been both grieving and feeling like maybe I was making too big a deal about what happened between us. But this video really opened my eyes, she did # 7, 5 and 3 all the time, especially when I tried to share how her words impacted me. I realize now it wasn't a two way friendship, it was a situationship.
Same, I broke off a friendship!
My whole relationship in a UA-cam short and so articulately presented with interjecting humour! Masterful, love your channel!!
Your vids are so hard to watch sometimes bc they bring tears to my eyes, but so helpful to know there are so many people who need to hear your words! Thanks!
I absolutely love the way you teach truths about these most devastating relationships. You're really helping! Thank you so much! ❤🕊
SO TRUE! Side note: your delivery of these messages are hilarious! The sarcasm is on point. Love watching your videos, thank you!
Yeah, I definitely thought those things in my head many times when the invalidating phrases were spoken
GOLD! You're doing gods work for all of us who feel speechless and give us ideas what to say.. even think. And not becoming this blank space the moment invalidates us
These are often appropriate things to say to strangers.... especially if those strangers are being toxic. If someone who supposedly cares about you talks to you or treats you like this, then they don't actually care about you.
I don't know if I should cry or laugh this is a very informative 💯
God...I LOVE how you've done this. Using humour to teach is the most effective way to teach. THANK YOU.🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU !! You totally get it and add humor into the whole ridiculous mess ! Thank you .
My marriage is on the up-swing, but I have definitely heard a version of every.single.one of these, and 8 of 10 directly worded this way.
Thank you for sharing this. I have heard all of these from my spouse in the past. Today, we are also on the upswing. I sometimes wonder if I let too much go. Thanks for letting me know I’m not the only one who is willing to give it a second chance, if he is showing willingness to make changes, too.
I am another person who is noticing some changes in my husband after 16 years of these kind of things, including neglect and also other relationship issues… I definitely reacted poorly for many many years and caused problems as well… then I got better and started healing. Yet, that did not improve the relationship. In fact it caused a lot of problems and dysfunction because I was no longer participating in what he was used to….
Right when I was about to give up and was thinking about walking away and even planning on it … he started figuring things out.
We are kind of on an upswing… I’ve seen it before though, in the past, it only lasted a few months… so until we get past it just being him trying to save face for a while and seems to be actual change… I am not willing to call it permanent.
Unlike other times , I warned him. This is the last go around with improving for him… if he goes back to treating me the way he used to (and I detailed what that looked like for me with him so he is very clear what I mean)- I will leave him and I don’t care what people think anymore… I cannot deal with another round and Lord knows how many years of the abuse (yes I told him it was abuse). he may not be hitting me but certainly from dealing with different kinds of abuse in my childhood (and spending lots of time and money getting help and healing). I can say that being hit and physically abused, while painful and definitely not OK, physical abuses far less damaging than the emotional abuse that usually comes along with it or without it… that damages your soul and breaks you in a way you can’t even fathom until you try to unravel it all and heal….
I told him I won’t put up with it again . The consequences for marriage and our kids is far worse if I stay at that point then if I leave…
So he knows this is his last chance … not because I hate him or I’m trying to be rude, but I can’t take any more rounds of this and manage life… I want to finish healing and if he won’t participate and wants to continue creating dysfunction, I need to get away from it.
I hope he is serious this time and intentional. I also hope I’m not giving him too much grace about it and he is just playing me… I don’t feel like he is… but I told him if he goes back this time I won’t ever trust him that he loves me and I will begin to think this is on purpose….
Wow, you give good examples. Thank you. Very helpful ❤
I've gotten every single one of these from my bf and I've tried to speak as level headed as possible to him about it and that's when it gets even worse. Legit makes me feel like a crazy person.
Leave him, he doesn’t care if you’re happy or not.
Thank you for giving such perfect portrayals!! And although these phrases are hurtful when hearing them (and during the toxic relationship) it is wonderfully refreshing & healing how you add humor to them! Thank you for these clips! ❤
❤❤❤❤ can’t love this enough! All of these reasons are why my marriage ended. I finally stood up for myself and he walked away because some people will never take accountability or care how they treat others.
Wow, you nailed it.
Some really good lines here for a counter response, thanks 🙏
This sounds like my mom to a T.
Avoided partners like that for so long and then i got stuck in a relationship with someone exactly like that too. Biggest thing is recovering from a life time of this shit. With people like my golden child brother backing it up to whole time so he could keep being the spoiled favorite. The gaslighting worked for sooooooooo loooonnnggg.
"I'm sorry you feel that way"
And combine in the incessant need for her to never admit any shred of wrongdoing or responsibility. I was the one always asking for forgiveness.
This is amazing and hearing his emotion in how shitty he thinks about ppl saying this stuff really feels validating xx
Wow, this is SPOT ON!
I hear all of those weekly. THANK YOU for clarifying it for me once and for all! This was the assurance I needed since I’m told I’m the one who gaslights and is a narcissist, when I had to research what those were. I started to question myself after hearing that daily, although I thought it sounded exactly like the person who was saying I was. Although I have a bad memory, the person had me start to question myself. The thing is I don’t forget things that hurt me… Now I KNOW, and others around are starting to see it as well…
“Not my best but moving on” 😂😂 it was a solid one
“Can’t you just move on and focus on the future?”
“Why do you have to be like that?”
“Why do you have to keep rehashing the past, it’s over!”
“We are bending over backwards for you and this is what you…”
Thanks for bringing the light of awareness to these things that live inside us!
If I show this video to my husband, who is a fan of using these 10 famous phrases, he will simply say: just because that guy says it.
I can never talk about my feelings, or I am very sensitive, or I always have to be creating problems.
Well, he prefers to ignore them and pretend they don't exist or as if my feelings don't exist either.
I have lost count of how many times I have asked him if he still loves me. Their responses were silence or saying: I love my family. As if I were not a woman, besides being a wife and mother. In every argument, his solution was to say: if you are not happy, we are going to get divorced.
Until one day I took him at his word and then he was the hurt one and I was the insensitive one. I currently find myself distancing myself emotionally from him. If there is no love, there is no pain.
Divorce him. You can't heal while he is under the same roof. He doesn't love you anymore, and what you're doing to yourself to protect yourself from him is an unhealthy coping mechanism that will hurt you in the long run.
Yes 🙌 he would tell me that I wasn't on his level socially or intellectually and then tell me that I had low self esteem..... yeah you think
Thank you. I think it’s great how you can clarify the exact details in expressions used and articulate how it makes the reciprocate of these expressions feel. It’s really a gift. I send your videos to my boyfriend of 11 yrs all the time and they’re the only ones he’ll watch. Lol.
Your response to “Can’t you take a joke?” cracked me up, I’ve gotten that one a lot. No sense trying to explain to them what a joke is and that a flat out insult isn’t one. I’ve tried that and some people just aren’t bright. They need to know they’re up to their ears in the brown stinky stuff.
I like to reply 'try being funnier next time' cuz if it's not funny, it's not a joke
heard them all from past narc relationships. Never from my current boyfriend. He's a keeper ✨💖✨
Man, you're the champion of healthy relationships, I swear. I knew next to nothing about how relationships should look and feel like, let alone a healthy one. I really, really appreciate your content as it lays out everything so perfectly and leaves no room for misconceptions. Thank you so much, it has definitely helped many like myself. Bless!
whoa hearing them all together like this made me realize how often I’d hear these from my father, like every day pick 5-6 of them. and now I’m on a self-imposed ban from dating because I kept picking guys with the same scripts. yikes
Yup. Same experience with my dad. Awful. Extra awful when I'd confront him about it. He and my step mom have always been just elderly children masquerading as adults. Not mature, not self aware, not responsible for how their words and actions impact others but especially me, etc etc.
These are my favorite and really great resources to learn boundaries, genuine self love, dating, relationship, communication and conflict resolution skills: yt channels Jimmy (this one), Stephanie Lynn, Mended Light, Therapy in a Nutshell, and Put the Shovel Down.
Also, Leila & Alex Hormozi's advice on dating and relationships.
Mended Light's videos and content on dating and relationship skills is researched based and excellent. I'd recommend starting there.
Healthy mutually fulfilling relationships can be found / created / built & maintained. It just takes education and skills and practicing those skills to have.
-- education that's critical but not taught in schools. Fortunately it's 2024 and great resources and real help are free and easily accessible online for people who want great relationships.
It feels familiar to pick a guy like dad.
So perfectly done my gawsh. "I feel so valued and respected"
Never heard, nor valued.
"Cared how your words impacted me but, maybe not" gosh😮 this hit the nail on the head here for sure!
It's amazing..i experienced a catastrophic event at my house and I get, that I was having a pity party" it was utterly so messed up! Or "that was a long time ago" good grief these dynamics think you so very much, I just love your chl
I adore how precisely you put everything
Yes I had all of these along with the implication that I needed therapy to help me work through MY ISSUES when I was hurt by the relentless put downs, invalidation, side swipes and undermining! Exhausting to live with I hope anyone stuck currently with a narc can find a way to get out and as far away as possible! They don’t get better! Great material it’s helpful for people to spot the narc’s MO and keep a journal too so you don’t go crazy being told you are imagining things! 👍🏽🥇
me and my sister had to constantly point out the ‘i’m sorry you feel that way’ fake apology to our dad to get him to stop
My daughters had to do the same. So I feel your pain!
My God, this is nuts, I've been feeling bad for months for not helping to things work out.
He kept on saying I'm the problem and started to quote me as someone who is gaslighting him all the time.
Turns out, he matches 9/10 of these.
Thank you Jimmy ❤
I just love the comebacks 😂😂 thanks for your vids!
❤❤❤ Jimmy, you've hit the nail on the head once again!
I just really find these relationship lessons so validating and refreshing. Thanks Jimmy!❤
I’ve heard at least 5 of these today. Your channel is helping me reevaluate a lot of things in my life. Thank you.
Jimmy this was fantastic and funny way to describe some of our struggles with people who don't reflect on themselves and their actions😍
"I don't know what to tell you" in response to literally the most calm and respectful way I can communicate my feelings
The fact that my abusive ex of 4 years said all of these to me whenever I tried to talk to her about how she made me feel 👍
Can you be my neighbor so we can hang out and you can give me advice all the time? lol In all seriousness though, this guy hits some good points and I’ve been guilty of saying these things in the past. It sucks that a lot of people would look at this so unrealistically and not learn from it. I’m not perfect, but progress over perfection is key!😊
Just got out of a toxic friendship with two very drama and gossip obsessed "friends" and number 7 hit home. Had that told to me with finger pointing and everything... These were full grown women acting like teenagers. SMH 🤦🏼♀️
This is my favorite video of him. Excellent message with a twist of humor.
You are amazing.
Thank you for talking about this and opening up everyone’s eyes. 👀
These are good interpretations. Thank you for validating the unvalidated.
This was excellent. And I really enjoyed the comebacks. You packed a lot of great info into this short.
Naaailed it! Great job❤
I'm so glad you're helping some people to feel vindicated and understood, and NOT CRAZY, while helping others to wake up and realize that some of their toxic communication habits are more destructive than they realize! Thank you SO much!
I can confirm it doesnt ever get better😂 Break your back, sell your soul, pour your heart out…nothing will make them see your point
You have to try, first. And try again. And again. You could talk about the frustration of trying and them not changing that unhealthy behavior. And if they continue to ignore your needs and boundaries, then you just move on. Many people don't have a clue about healthy communication, but are willing to learn. Some people, however, are always under the impression that it's gonna be alright if I just keep doing what I always do, because it may be a phase, but will wake up if you make it clear you will not tolerate that behavior, and that you will eventually quit if the changes don't start to happen. Other, sadly, will not have the courage or interest in doing so, and those are not for us.
If by "them" you mean real narcissists or sociopaths then you are probably right (though some mild cases could be managable, those conditions are also on a spectrum like everything in psychology). But with regular people you have a fair shot. Me and my husband had to relearn communication and problem solving because what we learnt at home as kids was clearly not ideal. Though not as abysmal as some people have it. Thankfully we had our most major faws in different areas and so we are able to effectively work on being better. As always it is a work in progress, takes patience, compassion and room for failure. Good luck out there stanger!
You can’t prove logic, it’s something intrinsic that all humans share. If someone is committed against logic, there is literally nothing you can do.
Imagine you say to someone “is the sky blue?” Then they reply with “no”. You might engage - “is that water over there blue” “yes” “and is that water the same color as the sky?” “Yes” “so therefore the sky is blue” “no”.
There is no way to solve that conversation, all you can do is leave it be. It doesn’t matter if they’re avoidant or just abusive, the outcome is the same which is them never taking accountability.
@@GabrielPassarelliGI spent 30 years in four different relationships giving way too many chances for them to improve communication skills and to even just do the very basic minimum and found that it does not ever get better.
So now I realize it's more important to seek a partner who already has done the emotional work to heal from their own past and to be a good partner for me.
@@giacoyt4147well said
Omigosh, so GOOD. Just love the delivery, Jimmy! I am very, VERY lucky to be with someone who truly values me and has NEVER said ANY of these things to me in 4 years. Took me 6 decades but I finally decided what I wasn't willing to subject myself to, and then met the man of my dreams. Yay!
I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s YOUR fault my insensitivity to you made you cry.