I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
Being polite =/= not being assertive. The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Most people are like this. Being kind and being nice are two different lifestyles. Kindness is rooted in authenticity whereas the census surrounding Niceness is that it's rooted in inauthenticity. Nice people struggle in this area because they don't want to be seen as offensive or rude thereby causing them not to advocate for their ideals. Kindness is moreso people saying what needs to be said because it needs to be said, regardless of whether people get offended or not.
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people. I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
I spent my entire youth being polite and nice to people only to get abuse too. I learned to be firm. I wish I had learned this when I was in high school I would have saved myself abuse and trouble. Well mostly with regard to blood relatives. Strangers I am assertive! That boundary had been established early!
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos. Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part. It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on UA-cam on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind. I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person. This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff. Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything. If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist. You would not have even commented if this video was for women. Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”. I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy. I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
I use politeness as assertiveness. When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as: "Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY.. but its worth the effort!!! 😂
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
Six years ago, I was involved in a car accident. A woman in her 60s swerved into my lane, but there were no cameras to capture the incident. When I got out of the car and saw that she was elderly, I tried to be polite and apologized on the spot. Unfortunately, she used my apology against me when she called the insurance company. We ended up in court, and she won the case. It’s good to be polite, but not excessively so. It’s more important to ensure that you don’t insult, humiliate, or hurt others than to always try to be overly nice like a “cute kitten.
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character. I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS. Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
"Be a source of light in this world" I absolutely agree! And there are ways to get your point across politely even when someone wrongs you. I like to tell them calmly and professionally how they treated me was unacceptable before I break up with the guy or quit the job lol
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
I’m now a boss, I’m polite and nice to my team there are a few who think they are stronger than me because they have strong personalities. I can be strong too, but I also know people don’t work well under too much pressure and I would never want someone to go home and cry and be miserable. So I take the 20% from the rude people. But it’s now taking a toll.
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
This is soo true. Being too polite almost always invites other people to walk all over you. I learned this the hard way. Some narcisist minister teach their followers to be too polite then walk all over them.
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
@@ranisrikumar5735 concisely said " currency exchange" politely disrespect the rude person back, when you gave him politeness he doesn't have the right to be rude to you, you are not his subordinate or if someone does that you should display a demeanor which display that you are despised with his behavior which is also insignificant to you. In this way you can maintain dignity without stepping out of the boundaries that you hold for yourself.
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you. Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive. Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
Thank you so much! I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me. I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
I have to speak in generalizations and somewhat superficially because it’s only a brief video. There are people who spend their entire careers talking about the subtleties of politeness.
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
This video looks like an extract from a textbook on assertiveness. Giving examples of words that exude assertiveness instead of politeness or presenting situations and suggesting how to respond will definitely help.
I m 43. Once i was talking to my fathers cardiologist over phone, when my cousin told me after the call, that i sounded like a pissant. I reflected on it. Now, i record my phone calls, and then listen to them again. Yes, I come across as a pissant talking to some people. Changing myself slowly.
The best advice grandpa can give to you. Now with passive-aggressive communication style, things are differently. I used to work in the construction where was a lot of businessmen with their midsize companies trying to do their work in limited space and in time frame and those were very high stress situations. They were never go to listen to me to some fresh guy in 20s, but if I was not polite it would not brought us anywhere, just constant conflicts.
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it. It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree. I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you. That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
I used to be pretty arrogant early in my life, but then I realized the need of being humble, in order to pursue humility I forced myself to be more polite than necessary, this went for about a decade and slowly but surely I started losing my place in the social hierarchy in every arena..It's only over the past few years i realized the mistake I was making, you don't need to be extra polite to be humble, humility is an inner virtue and it would show automatically when you become humble, but politeness often sounds like people pleasing and weakness because of that power-politeness inverse proportional relation..So, I became brutally straight again minus the arrogance, although it's hard, I must say as I have a tendency to snap back at people when I sense hypocrisy and lying. But, I figured, there is no harm at snapping back at bad people, as this will keep them at bay, while I would never have to snap at good people and even if I do it by mistake, I can always apologize to them.
World full of mean people should not turn you rude and arrogant like them. You can be powerful and stronger in words with a polite tone. At least I learnt that ....don't change your pure self to become like them. The righteous path had always been tough, keep going.
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
There’s always a trade-off between being very direct and being very polite or indirect. Where we fall on this continuum is a function of several factors, especially power, social distance, and the ranking of the face threatening act.
Power is an illusion. Connection makes the difference Every time. There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman. Old fashioned? Perhaps. There’s never been any substitute for respect. You give it. You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all. Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything. Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect. The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes. Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Your comment reeks of insecurity. If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman. Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
I was in the military for some years. Superiors without ego issues saw no problem with me being blunt and direct with them. Never rude, mind you - but never more polite than what I needed to be. Will definitely have your words in mind, by the way. I think I'm still too polite and I'm trying to be a bit more disagreeable. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Glad i came to this vid, I been too good to everyone my whole life, Only time im bad is when im physically attacked. I mostly put people first before me due to having an emotional intelligence and pyscho analyser ,which turned me to be too polite
Absolutely agree! It’s fascinating how politeness can undermine our perceived power. I’ve felt that hesitation, especially in professional settings. Being direct really does change the dynamic-people take you more seriously! And that Mark Twain quote about judgment is a great reminder; most people are focused on themselves. I’ve found that embracing a straightforward approach, like in the Sense of Humor Improvement Program by Habit10x, helps boost confidence too. Give it a shot-being assertive can really shift how others perceive you!
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
Hello Sir, Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read. I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
Feedback i am being given is to be polite.When i know i am trying to get to the point and drive the conversation where i want it to be. I am told that I am not that polite.
Ppl like polite but ppl that are predatory can mistaken it as weakness. I used to be picked on when I was a kid bc I hated to hurt ppl unless I was pissed off and it flipped. I’ve learned that it is ok to stand up for your self and it is needed to have respect for yourself and for others to respect you but mainly for you to respect yourself
I finally cracked the code. I am extremely polite, but I say it with a strong voice and a expansive body language. So that indicates you can be rude but you are choosing to be polite. An extreme example would be imagine a mob boss treats you respectfully. I'm a classy person, so I can't relate to a mob boss, but you get a sense.
I'm watching your video from Iran. These are problems that goes beyond language and culture i guess , even though i always thought Americans are usually louder and more confident speaking. I here also struggle with even being heard , so sometimes i use tricks like i pretend I'm on the phone with the person facing me so i put more emphasis on my voice rather hand gestures (which too much of hand movements in speaking signals nervousness) or assume that I'm not alone , i have 4 other people with me.
There’s another caveat: race and gender. As a black woman attorney I am very careful and deliberate w my words for this reason. Some demographics are better at deferring to me than others. These are nuances that must be taken into account. My directness can be perceived as an angry black woman or arrogant…. And I am tall and athletic. So Sometimes I have to soften my delivery or even insert “i think…” just to get my point heard. I have been perceived as a ‘threat’ just be entering a room. And side note: this why it is not a flex when people say “i dont see color” when referring to race … it is a VERY relevant factor in everyday relating…
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
Tonality, word economy, volume and pacing is often much more impactful than dictation. _How_ you say please/thank you is key. You can give “polite” and have them “receive” assertive.
It’s true. Nonverbal signals like posture, gesture, facial expression,, physical spacing, etc. can have a huge impact on how people interpret the same words.
I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
I am the same way!
Sing it, sister!
Lol I was raised by a single monther and she tried to raise me just like that. She was genuinely shocked when she saw me interact with others and commented how rude I was. I quickly was able to understand just what she was doing when I was a teen and called her out on that. She didn't like it. Later on, she accepted it though.
You are not alone. I don't know if I can ever fix this part in my personality
i am trying hard not be polite but i am failinh everyday let me know when you succeed...it will give me little confidence may be
Being polite =/= not being assertive.
The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
Most people are like this. Being kind and being nice are two different lifestyles. Kindness is rooted in authenticity whereas the census surrounding Niceness is that it's rooted in inauthenticity.
Nice people struggle in this area because they don't want to be seen as offensive or rude thereby causing them not to advocate for their ideals. Kindness is moreso people saying what needs to be said because it needs to be said, regardless of whether people get offended or not.
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people.
I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
Thank you for your comment! It's very helpful.
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
I was once like that too. Single mom too.
I am I the process of reprogramming myself, I'm 40 and am too polite. People are walking all over me. I've had enough
No, being too polite towards women is not good (unless they are total strangers).
@@thedentistbakery2010 Same here. Just ask people why they are being so rude. Make them explain themselves. That will help put you back in control.
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
I hate that this is true. I used to be too polite around others, but pathetic people see that as invitation for abuse. I am still working on figuring out assertiveness.
yeah bro the politness and the good is perceived not attractive to most girls and is perceived as weakness to the bad people
Very true !
Same!
I spent my entire youth being polite and nice to people only to get abuse too. I learned to be firm. I wish I had learned this when I was in high school I would have saved myself abuse and trouble. Well mostly with regard to blood relatives. Strangers I am assertive! That boundary had been established early!
@@guyaneseadventure me too, I started being assertive
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos.
Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part.
It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on UA-cam on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind.
I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person.
This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff.
Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything.
If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist.
You would not have even commented if this video was for women.
Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”.
I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy.
I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
Quite true and interessting thoughts, no matter what
Firmness and Kindness are the best combination
I absolutely agree. It’s sad that politeness is seen as a weakness in today’s world
@@lonimimesekothis applies mainly to western world. I live on a country where being polite is considered a sign of maturity.
weak people is afraid of being polite because they has two faces . strong men do that because they dont care what people's thought .
it's really hard to be assertive without being rude, especially when the other person makes you angry, to not act from that anger
Yes, there’s a fine line between directness and rudeness.
@@HowCommunicationWorks facts
@@HowCommunicationWorks thought you'd go on to say what the line is?..
@@HowCommunicationWorks what's the line?
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
I use politeness as assertiveness.
When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as:
"Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
Wonderful aquírred, skill.
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY..
but its worth the effort!!! 😂
@@jimrich4192lol same bruh, i got you!
Be polite or give respect to everyone but don't be too polite or give too much respect to anyone .
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Very well said! Thank you.
Ok but how exactly does this manifest. How do you know when you’ve crossed the line
I been more assertive at work in the last few years , people appreciate that
Examples please
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
Yes, I agree. These American behaviours would not go down too well in the UK. If you tried something like this with a co-worker in the UK if they get pissed and report you, you're toast. You'll be kissing pavement quicker than Barney Rubbles tea towel.
This applies to Canada as well
Side effects of monarchy and royalty/aristocracy
Six years ago, I was involved in a car accident. A woman in her 60s swerved into my lane, but there were no cameras to capture the incident. When I got out of the car and saw that she was elderly, I tried to be polite and apologized on the spot. Unfortunately, she used my apology against me when she called the insurance company. We ended up in court, and she won the case. It’s good to be polite, but not excessively so. It’s more important to ensure that you don’t insult, humiliate, or hurt others than to always try to be overly nice like a “cute kitten.
I am sooo sorry this happened to you. Where are cameras when you need them!
@@anacorona2527 I really appreciate your compassion. It was definitely a tough lesson to learn, but I've grown from the experience.
Same thing happened to
Me haha
Being polite doesn’t mean taking shit from others. Being polite isn’t the same as having a weak character.
I deal with many people that have this sick mentality and I just have to remind them “POLITELY” that I’m not dealing with their BS.
Be a source of light in this effed up world. We all need it. Be polite.
Super comment
Exactly. Being polite saying, please and sorry shouldn’t make you weak. I think it depends on how you phrase something
"Be a source of light in this world" I absolutely agree! And there are ways to get your point across politely even when someone wrongs you. I like to tell them calmly and professionally how they treated me was unacceptable
before I break up with the guy or quit the job lol
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
So glad it was helpful.
How did it go?
To me if a powerful person is being polite, my respect would double for that person. Being not polite is plain and simple rudeness.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
I was raised by my mom, as a single mother and a military she always taught me to be polite despite the other people's reciprocity. I don't want to be perceived as weak, but don't want to leave behind what mother taught me
♥️Brother ,The right path never fails, respect to your mum, she did the right thing♥️
Back then it was good but now such people r increasingly rare , may end in despair
Be polite always but don’t let anyone take your politeness for weakness
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Same me. I need to be more firm, especially in the office with colleagues. All the best with your new job 🎉
Better to be assertive then
Yes! Set healthy boundaries with people. You teach people how to treat you.
@@sarahf.s.2961 🎉🙏
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
Wax on, Wax off.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
Maybe you are insecure.
True authority is polite, because it is secure.
I’m now a boss, I’m polite and nice to my team there are a few who think they are stronger than me because they have strong personalities. I can be strong too, but I also know people don’t work well under too much pressure and I would never want someone to go home and cry and be miserable. So I take the 20% from the rude people. But it’s now taking a toll.
You’re 100 percent correct man! Often people perceive politeness as being weak. I’ve suffered a lot in life and now I’ve taken the assertive way of communication. Good that I’ve come across this video
👏🎉
How are you doing now? I'm in the same situation
This is soo true. Being too polite almost always invites other people to walk all over you. I learned this the hard way. Some narcisist minister teach their followers to be too polite then walk all over them.
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
*nonconfrontational
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
what are the results
I've been on both sides of this fence. With my current knowledge, and humbling myself. I now recognize people who use language in this manner, as arrogant. They, for the most part, lose my respect instead of demanding it. The real solution is to be direct and polite. It takes a certain maturity to be confident, know what you want, and still treat others politely.
@@claudsdeluca certainly! In the same shoes… but never give politeness to the rude . Like currency exchange, treating in the same way! Intuition helps a lot in special occasions
Facts
Some people just take advantage and almost automatically try to manipulate respectful people
@@ranisrikumar5735 concisely said " currency exchange" politely disrespect the rude person back, when you gave him politeness he doesn't have the right to be rude to you, you are not his subordinate or if someone does that you should display a demeanor which display that you are despised with his behavior which is also insignificant to you. In this way you can maintain dignity without stepping out of the boundaries that you hold for yourself.
@@CodeWithHammad-806 Thanks 🙏 Nicely explained again 🎉
You are right..be direct (not rude).be respectful and polite (Not too polite)
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you.
Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive.
Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
Love me a true Southern gentleman.
@@donger9394 👏🎉
Thank you so much!
I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me.
I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
You can display yourself as polite and still command the room. It’s an art. What was presented here was just the obvious.
I have to speak in generalizations and somewhat superficially because it’s only a brief video. There are people who spend their entire careers talking about the subtleties of politeness.
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
Today, I learned about the inverse relationship between power and politeness. When I first heard it, my mind initially argued against it, as I believed that being polite isn't a sign of weakness. However, by the end of the video, I was convinced of the connection based on the facts the lecturer provided. Thank you very much sir ❤
This video looks like an extract from a textbook on assertiveness. Giving examples of words that exude assertiveness instead of politeness or presenting situations and suggesting how to respond will definitely help.
Please continue being polite people.
It goes a long way in any businesses and social interactions
Can be outside, but not inside That’s all this video is about…🎉
@@ranisrikumar5735 be genuine. Principles above personalities. I own a modest business chain.
I m 43. Once i was talking to my fathers cardiologist over phone, when my cousin told me after the call, that i sounded like a pissant.
I reflected on it. Now, i record my phone calls, and then listen to them again. Yes, I come across as a pissant talking to some people. Changing myself slowly.
I just became a police officer and i got a big wake up call. This is a helpful video
congrats on the new job 🎉
I hate rude policemen. There's nothing better than policemen who are polite and treat you like a normal person.
The best advice grandpa can give to you. Now with passive-aggressive communication style, things are differently. I used to work in the construction where was a lot of businessmen with their midsize companies trying to do their work in limited space and in time frame and those were very high stress situations. They were never go to listen to me to some fresh guy in 20s, but if I was not polite it would not brought us anywhere, just constant conflicts.
The more I try to be polite to the rude people at work the more rude they become. You have to stand up for yourself so you wouldn't become a doormat
Yup, stand up for yourself is the best, no matter what the situation is . Basically polite people can manage different opinions
Politeness is ingrained in me and I find direct assertiveness a real challenge. I hear what you're saying about being mindful and intentionally thinking about being assertive. I typically don't think to do this until after the fact.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
If you must show politeness, do it in an assertive way. Meaning being polite directly. If you have to nod, nod once and be done with it.
It shows power to be respectful. Find balance between being respectful and being too polite.
It's just a yank thing. I wouldn't worry about it. Look at what these tw4ts have done in Iraq, Syria etc etc. Stay polite and humble and stay classy like a upper class Brit as opposed to a typical obnoxious loud mouthed American.
I totally agree with you, there’s got to be a balance
Men and women both take instructions differently. Women would get offended easily when spoken with firmer tone.
This is just a bit off in my opinion. There’s a clear difference to me between being polite, and being passive or weak
I agree. It's important to be polite but it's also important to be confident when you speak and say what you mean and mean what you say.
This makes so much sense! I grew up being told not to inconvenience people and that I’m pretty much here to serve others. Whenever I speak to anyone I’m overly polite and always apologizing for existing in other people’s presence. I’m 36 and barely learning that I’m a passive communicator and I’m really striving to be an assertive communicator. Gotta switch my whole life up! 😅
This is hugely helpful! I defer to my detriment frequently! Your video has shown me where I go wrong. Thank you for this.
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree.
I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Thank you. I will. Being assertive does have consequences. Not everyone will welcome your assertion of power.
There’s difference in being polite and “Too” polite! And some times we blurr the lines!
Great video 👌✨
Wow!! I wish I’d known this 30years ago when I lived in the US for 6 months. Would have saved me some confusion. Too much verbal deference can be dangerous. In the Australian military we were encouraged to be direct to provide important information to senior sailors and officers. Being indirect is obfuscating and dangerous to informed decision making
Always be polite and respectful. I teach this to my English as second language students.
I'm working in the Corrections. I will use your advice. Thank you
Makes sense to me. You don’t want to be a pushover in dealing with others. Yes men are not respected by others. Presenting yourself with surety and confidence is very important. The way people perceive you, will determine how they treat you.
That being said, people need to know that you care for them. This is a difficult balance. I am still working on the second part of this equation.
WOOOOW 😮 This is what happened to me when I was young. Became a people pleaser when I was young and because if that always have been too polite.
can't believe I missed this great advice for 6 years. Keep up 👍
I wish we could see some hypothetical examples. That would be very helpful.
I used to be pretty arrogant early in my life, but then I realized the need of being humble, in order to pursue humility I forced myself to be more polite than necessary, this went for about a decade and slowly but surely I started losing my place in the social hierarchy in every arena..It's only over the past few years i realized the mistake I was making, you don't need to be extra polite to be humble, humility is an inner virtue and it would show automatically when you become humble, but politeness often sounds like people pleasing and weakness because of that power-politeness inverse proportional relation..So, I became brutally straight again minus the arrogance, although it's hard, I must say as I have a tendency to snap back at people when I sense hypocrisy and lying. But, I figured, there is no harm at snapping back at bad people, as this will keep them at bay, while I would never have to snap at good people and even if I do it by mistake, I can always apologize to them.
World full of mean people should not turn you rude and arrogant like them. You can be powerful and stronger in words with a polite tone. At least I learnt that ....don't change your pure self to become like them. The righteous path had always been tough, keep going.
I need to practice this more...I must.
thank you!
The amount of people in the comments who link this to not having a father during childhood is insane. Shows you how important fathers are ❤
Hopefully father's are reading this.
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
Arrogant people see politeness as a weakness and will never miss a chance to take advantage of you. That’s why I quit being polite to arrogant people.
I think there is no need to demonstrate your power to everyone by not being polite, I'd rather choose a balanced relationship with all around me. However i got the point thank you. Sir
There’s always a trade-off between being very direct and being very polite or indirect. Where we fall on this continuum is a function of several factors, especially power, social distance, and the ranking of the face threatening act.
I like a balance, I think you can be polite but not take someone’s shit. My problem is not using anger when I feel taken advantage after being polite
Power is an illusion.
Connection makes the difference Every time.
There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman.
Old fashioned? Perhaps.
There’s never been any substitute for respect.
You give it.
You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks
What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all.
Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything.
Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect.
The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes.
Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Well being a nice man is good but if you are so nice to everyone that you became a tool for everybody to pass around and play then you are in trouble.
Your comment reeks of insecurity.
If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman.
Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
Great video man. I struggled with this a long time.
this is what i like about youtube. You can have a powerful advice like this for free.
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
You can be both assertive and yet not rude
I've been thinking about this for a long time and this is exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks
Glad it was helpful!
Politeness is a virtue; assertion is based on situations, people, etc.
I was in the military for some years.
Superiors without ego issues saw no problem with me being blunt and direct with them. Never rude, mind you - but never more polite than what I needed to be.
Will definitely have your words in mind, by the way. I think I'm still too polite and I'm trying to be a bit more disagreeable. Thanks for sharing your knowledge.
Glad i came to this vid,
I been too good to everyone my whole life,
Only time im bad is when im physically attacked.
I mostly put people first before me due to having an emotional intelligence and pyscho analyser ,which turned me to be too polite
Some examples of do's and don'ts would be helpful to further drive ur point. Thanks for the info
Absolutely agree! It’s fascinating how politeness can undermine our perceived power. I’ve felt that hesitation, especially in professional settings. Being direct really does change the dynamic-people take you more seriously! And that Mark Twain quote about judgment is a great reminder; most people are focused on themselves.
I’ve found that embracing a straightforward approach, like in the Sense of Humor Improvement Program by Habit10x, helps boost confidence too. Give it a shot-being assertive can really shift how others perceive you!
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
I’m sorry to hear this
Hello Sir,
Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read.
I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
That's a great insight I never really thought about,I am supervising a big team, but I am very polite.
Feedback i am being given is to be polite.When i know i am trying to get to the point and drive the conversation where i want it to be. I am told that I am not that polite.
Ppl like polite but ppl that are predatory can mistaken it as weakness. I used to be picked on when I was a kid bc I hated to hurt ppl unless I was pissed off and it flipped. I’ve learned that it is ok to stand up for your self and it is needed to have respect for yourself and for others to respect you but mainly for you to respect yourself
Perfect! You helped me a lot more with this short video than my therapist in years lol
Great Video!! I just read a book on this issue called "Not Nice" by Dr. Aziz. It was an eye opener for me. Thx for this..
Glad it was helpful!
Lets not confuse being polite with being apologetic. You can never be too polite, but you don’t have to apologise for existing.
Sadly people often confuse kindness with weakness.
Going to do this! I think I will save some valuable time and not keep explaining or apologizing.
Nice pearls of wisdom
This information was paradigm shifting!!! You did an excellent job teaching this. Thanks for sharing! Definitely create another one like it.
I finally cracked the code. I am extremely polite, but I say it with a strong voice and a expansive body language. So that indicates you can be rude but you are choosing to be polite. An extreme example would be imagine a mob boss treats you respectfully. I'm a classy person, so I can't relate to a mob boss, but you get a sense.
I'm watching your video from Iran. These are problems that goes beyond language and culture i guess , even though i always thought Americans are usually louder and more confident speaking. I here also struggle with even being heard , so sometimes i use tricks like i pretend I'm on the phone with the person facing me so i put more emphasis on my voice rather hand gestures (which too much of hand movements in speaking signals nervousness) or assume that I'm not alone , i have 4 other people with me.
Very insightful, thank you for this. I have learnt to the differences between politeness and difference.
I think you can be polite and assertive at the same time. It's all about getting the balance right imo.
This is so relatable and useful
Thank you so much sir for your help.
I find this really helpful.
Subscribed
Thank you where clear and direct I understanded what you said
Glad it helped
I would have loved some examples for better clarity.
There’s another caveat: race and gender. As a black woman attorney I am very careful and deliberate w my words for this reason. Some demographics are better at deferring to me than others. These are nuances that must be taken into account. My directness can be perceived as an angry black woman or arrogant…. And I am tall and athletic. So Sometimes I have to soften my delivery or even insert “i think…” just to get my point heard. I have been perceived as a ‘threat’ just be entering a room. And side note: this why it is not a flex when people say “i dont see color” when referring to race … it is a VERY relevant factor in everyday relating…
As an Edo man our culture makes us not to bee too polit, however lots of people mistake this for being rude and feel intimidated
Nice piece of Information
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
As an immigrant woman in North America, I struggle so much with this. This results in less salary than peers and more work on the job.
very good advice
Thanks so much, i really needed this for so long.
Tonality, word economy, volume and pacing is often much more impactful than dictation. _How_ you say please/thank you is key. You can give “polite” and have them “receive” assertive.
It’s true. Nonverbal signals like posture, gesture, facial expression,, physical spacing, etc. can have a huge impact on how people interpret the same words.