How To Be Assertive and Speak Powerfully (Don't Be too Polite)
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- Опубліковано 20 чер 2024
- This video describes how to speak assertively and powerfully. The key is to take advantage of the hidden rules and codes that control our perceptions and expectations about power and language use. I explain what these hidden rules and codes are and describe what to say and how to say it so you are perceived as powerful.
- Фільми й анімація
I learned politeness being raised by a single mother...it hurt me as a man...amongst men....its almost like there is no politeness..so if you try being polite then that's seen as weakness. But towards women...politeness is good...deprogrammed myself in my 40s...😥
I was once like that too. Single mom too.
I am I the process of reprogramming myself, I'm 40 and am too polite. People are walking all over me. I've had enough
No, being too polite towards women is not good (unless they are total strangers).
@@thedentistbakery2010 Same here. Just ask people why they are being so rude. Make them explain themselves. That will help put you back in control.
@@mikereiss4216 that's good advice. Trouble is I freeze up and can't think of what to say. It's really annoying. Just gotta keep working at it. My grandfather was razor sharp. If anyone said anything against him he'd verbally light their ass up!
Here's some insight for whoever. I used to be passive not quite from being polite or agreeable, but more from an unimaginable amount of patience. And just trust me when I say that it 8/10 it never leads to favorable outcomes. Now I learned that just for the sake of a better outcome and getting what i need, I HAVE to be firm at the time of need with people.
I adapted in name of productivity 🙏🏾
Thank you for your comment! It's very helpful.
it's really hard to be assertive without being rude, especially when the other person makes you angry, to not act from that anger
Yes, there’s a fine line between directness and rudeness.
@@HowCommunicationWorks facts
@@HowCommunicationWorks thought you'd go on to say what the line is?..
@@HowCommunicationWorks what's the line?
@@emmanueluduak5498 wondering that myself you can't be neutral with some without them taking offense so it's not just how you say what you say I think speaking diplomatically works best yet you can't use that to answer mundane simple shit like were is charger and do you know where to drive to. At this point I'm more convinced its just them wanting to be pissed at me then I'm doing anything.
I use politeness as assertiveness.
When I say "please" and keep my voice monotone, it roughly translates as:
"Please don't force me to take action. I'm not in the mood and you're not worth the power struggle. Do it "
Wonderful aquírred, skill.
For me, it's a huge hurdle to go from humble/passive doormat to self respecting/ Assertive & I'm often stuck in humble/passive OR...angry/aggressive so there's a lot of work involved in overcoming my early childhood conditioning to be a frightened DOORMAT if confronting BULLY..
but its worth the effort!!! 😂
Be polite or give respect to everyone but don't be too polite or give too much respect to anyone .
That’s not a bad general rule, but the point of this video is that politeness is a strategic resource, and the amount of politeness you use depends upon the context and your goals.
@@HowCommunicationWorks Very well said! Thank you.
This video is great. I have a female phone sales staff and one of my agents is very feminine and naturally submissive and polite. This video is a very concise way to explain to her how she needs to come across while on the phone to be more persuasive.
So glad it was helpful.
I had a boss who was super polite in showing appreciation and trusting me to choose the right priority level for any assignment and I perceived him to be much more powerful than bosses who were rude, overly blunt, and postured (to make up for low self esteem) I wonder if, when you say, don’t be too polite you mostly mean not to hedge, and not to be cryptic and uncommitted to the request.
Wax on, Wax off.
I agree with this. I believe a person in command showing respect for others through politeness conveys confidence and overall emotional intelligence. I think he means that being TOO polite, as in, becoming submissive or apologetic, will communicate inferiority. But saying please and thank you, showing appreciation... That's just basic for me.
Assertive is different than being a controlling prideful rude a$$hole. ( Anyone who has ever been through domestic violence, or worked under an abusive employer can be fearful of being direct. )
Maybe you are insecure.
You literally just fix about 99 on my problem thank you !
It is almost physically painful for me not to be polite despite other people deferring to me in many fields. Guess that must stem out of some self esteem issues in my case
This changes a lot between UK and US, if you are too direct in the UK you are perceived as rude, in the UK they have other techniques to be assertive and usually involve over-politeness as a power tool. This is very cultural depending.I would say just observe people of power and follow what they do in every situation to learn the cultural context.
Yes, being hyper aggressive is a distinctly American behavioral problem and the reason Americans are perceived as rude and not welcomed in a lot of places I’ve visited abroad. It’s sad that “too polite” is a sign of weakness and a green light to disrespect and devalue others.
I agree with this, I’m too polite and I thought people would see me as nice but they just see me as weak. I need to stop people pleasing too, because people actually respect people pleasers less…learning this slowly but surely
this is what i like about youtube. You can have a powerful advice like this for free.
I been more assertive at work in the last few years , people appreciate that
Thank you so much for posting this video! I definitely have a hard time being assertive towards others because I am afraid of what the outcome will be. Please continue to post more! This video was extra helpful!
Thank you. I will. Being assertive does have consequences. Not everyone will welcome your assertion of power.
If by politeness you mean beating aroumd the bush then I agree.
I think speaking in a respectful, calm and neat manner radiates strength, power and selfcontrol.
Thank you so much!
I’ve always had such a problem with my tone and could not understand why I was being perceived the way I was. I didn’t use much deference and always speak monotonously and pretty even; this might come off as powerful, but really it’s more calm for me.
I’ve been needing to understand how to change and vary this to show more respect for those older than myself. Eternally grateful!
Wow!!!!!! Thank you for making this video! I had no idea. Being polite was drilled into me since I was a baby, and this has had adverse effects. Now I know something powerful that will help me improve my life.
I’m not sure about this. I’ve had bosses who were courteous and people (including me) always admired them for their ability to be human. I’ve also had bosses who weren’t courteous or polite, and I did not respect them because they just didn’t seem to care about others. I think there has to be a balance. I understand that being too polite could be perceived as weakness, but isn’t it possible to be courteously assertive?
I think you’re talking about 2 different kinds of people. I bet the courteous bosses treated you with respect, and the other kind of bosses spoke to you in a disrespectful, demeaning, and rude way.
I respect and perform the highest under a servant leader. The kind of leader who examples what they want to see from employees like honesty, humility, hard work, team work and allowing team members to share ideas for problem solving. Direct is ok, but I will not thrive or stay under a soul sucking, narcissistic dictatorship.
I am bowing down to you immediately. If I was with you in person I would be stuck in thinking i must force myself to keep listening to this person and not Say I am really overwhelmed right now...because I am overwhelmed I am not able to say it out loud. Thankfully because this video is about speaking up I am now but still I am struggling to have a voice as yours is so polished and fast sweeping pace. I need peple to speak slowly and they often accuse me of being wrong for asking and somehow they are right as no one has ever asked them to slow down before.
Absolutely gold. 10 seconds in and I already knew this video was going to be good. Thanks Bryan for your great work and sharing your skills and knowledge with us!
This is hugely helpful! I defer to my detriment frequently! Your video has shown me where I go wrong. Thank you for this.
The more I try to be polite to the rude people at work the more rude they become. You have to stand up for yourself so you wouldn't become a doormat
True...and make sure you don't sink to the level of rude.
This is communication gold. As a tour guide and teacher working with English speaking people in a non-English speaking country, I can now « read through the lines » ; all the time I have been acting with spotless politeness in case of unexpected troubles, all I have been getting back is « verbal slaps ». I am definitely to keep your advice as priority and will update you with any results.
So true, good job honestly.
Thank you very much for this lesson. I came a year ago from North Afrika to study nursing in Germany and I have a very big problem with this piont. Now I know where my problem is.
I think it's circumstantial. My family's from the south and raised me as such. I say please, I say thank you.
Meanwhile, one of my co workers bosses everyone around at work, except me. He has no authority, just trying to fake it till you make it. Why not me? I am the most respectful person you can meet, until you disrespect me. Then I become blunt and dominate. He made the mistake of trying to tell me what to do just once, and I put him in his place. I wasn't an asshole. But I was assertive.
Meanwhile, if I hold the door open for you, and you don't say thank you, I don't assume you're more assertive or dominate than me. I assume you're a disrespectful, anflgty little asshole. If I'm in your way, and you say "move" instead of "excuse me", you're not dominate, you're not assertive, you're an asshole that's about to get put in his place.
Love me a true Southern gentleman.
Thank you! 🙏🏽
Thank you for this video.. in my mid 20’s recently got a position being one of the head chefs at a restaurant and growing up being assertive has always been hard for me.. “childhood trauma” it’s no inbetween either I’m too hard or I’m too soft so usually I try to lean more towards non conformational.. but this position NEEDS me to step into my power
*nonconfrontational
A lot of people have taken the wrong thing away from these sorts of videos.
Being polite is never a bad thing, being a pushover is - they're two different things. I would much rather follow someone polite & powerful then someone just trying to copy 'alpha male' tips and tricks, aka, just trying to be the powerful part.
It is very sad that being polite in America & American men is a sign of weakness - the most motivational and moving people in our generation are kind-hearted people, not people who watch videos on UA-cam on how to intimidate and manipulate others. You don't have to be the 'alpha/winner' all the time (you end up coming off as a jackass). Being kind or polite is not a sort of defensive behavior, it shows you're a strong person -- anyone can be mean, not everyone can be genuinely kind.
I think in this video emphasizing how you use kindness and politeness as a powerful tool and reinforcing that politeness =/= bad, weak or 'defensive' would have been good (this creates such a toxic world to live in -- we should not see kindness and think 'I can manipulate this person' which is very common in an environment like retail or any workforce) . But this was just a 4 minute video and the speaker said nothing offense and just wants to help people! I'm more so rambling about this sphere of video topic and the people in the comments :sad emoji:
Did you watch the video till the end ? If you want to be near people pleaser you are probably an insecure person.
This video simply talks about being assertive and I don't know why you linked it to ‘alpha male’ stuff.
Apparently if a woman talks about being in power then people won't say anything.
If a man says “women should be polite and not assertive” then he is automatically a misogynist.
You would not have even commented if this video was for women.
Because a woman can be bossy, assertive etc but a man being assertive is considered as “trying to be alpha”.
I have seen feminists saying that men who are intimidated by assertive women see them as bossy.
I will the same for you now. You are just a weak person intimidated by assertive man.
Going to do this! I think I will save some valuable time and not keep explaining or apologizing.
Hello Sir,
Thank you so much for your video!! I appreciate the time that you took to create it, and even included word text for your audience to conveniently read.
I am currently building myself as an assertive person. For far too long I have been seen as "too nice"/ "too sweet". I do not wish to be stepped on, nor to come off as rude, yet be deliver my words, actions with assertiveness.
Wow, brilliant
explained beautifully clear thanks
I'm working in the Corrections. I will use your advice. Thank you
Yes! Set healthy boundaries with people. You teach people how to treat you.
Perfect! You helped me a lot more with this short video than my therapist in years lol
Thank you. It's a great help to me.
this was so simple but effective
Great video man. I struggled with this a long time.
This is so relatable and useful
This information was paradigm shifting!!! You did an excellent job teaching this. Thanks for sharing! Definitely create another one like it.
Very helpful
Brilliant video. I needed this. Thank you so very much
Glad you liked it. Happy to be of service
I think you’re right, but when someone is not polite to me I have a habit of avoiding them at all costs. When people are assertive with me, I appreciate it, but I still prefer to communicate with the polite person. I had this experience when looking into realty.
This was very helpful thank you
AWESOME CHANNEL! WE THINK ALIKE!
You're great!
You’re too kind. What do you like most about these videos?
I find this really helpful.
Subscribed
Wow!
I liked this video.
Power is an illusion.
Connection makes the difference Every time.
There’s nothing I’m more fond of than a Genuinely Kind Gentleman.
Old fashioned? Perhaps.
There’s never been any substitute for respect.
You give it.
You’ll receive it.
Power is an illusion? Ok, go into your boss’s office on Monday, and tell them that you think they’re an idiot, you’re sick of their BS, and you’re going home early. Tell me if you still have a job on Tuesday. We may not like power, but it’s is naive in the extreme to think it doesn’t exist.
@@HowCommunicationWorks
What a shocking response from a ‘Professor’! You’re surely entitled to your opinion as we all.
Thoughts are better not centered on dominating anyone or anything.
Good conscience suffice confidence in Goodness, Peace and breeds Respect.
The example of hostility toward a boss in and of itself speaks volumes.
Rewarding employees for their ‘Good’ leads to far greater success. Wisdom recognizes your servant is your master.
@@champs-elysees6091 your last sentence is proof that you know there is a master and servant, ie a power dynamic. Even if you want to pretend it doesn’t exist
Well being a nice man is good but if you are so nice to everyone that you became a tool for everybody to pass around and play then you are in trouble.
Your comment reeks of insecurity.
If you see a person who is being direct or assertive to you as disrespectful then you are a weak woman.
Ironically if a man say that about assertive women then he is a misogynist.
Hey man. Great content as always. Might be wise to put your website in video descriptions.
great video
Thanks.
This is even helpful in family situations
Yes this is a very general skill to understand the relationship between power and politeness, and in general how the amount of politeness we use is a reflection of the way we understand the relationships between ourselves in the people we’re speaking to
Sounds logical to me! Could you please make a video with example s of verbal exchanges in the corporate setting? Im poised for a promotion right now and being raised in an italian-catholic family, being polite and pious was everything. It's actually held me back and I get disrespected a lot because of it! Idk how to move past this people pleasing stuff!!
My father is someone who yelled at me endlessly for no reason (mainly because he was a weak man when dealing with other men). This made me a total pushover in adult life, to the extent of being scammed and ripped off often.
I’m sorry to hear this
My problem is when I am assertive indirect people become very submissive to me and I hate when people are submissive and don't have their own minds or they become intimidated in get offended or feel like they need to
The social world is complicated. It’s an intricate dance.
I would have loved some examples for better clarity.
I like your style man. Maybe I can learn something. Subscribed
Awesome, thank you!
I often get accused of being too nice which annoys me and sometimes I am not taken seriously compared to others. I am ready to assert myself more, I start a new job in 2 weeks and want to start in the best way.
I would caution you about one thing. Some people will not like it when you assert your power. Being direct will sound assertive, and will be interpreted as you asserting your power. It might feel good, but others might be threatened.
Same me. I need to be more firm, especially in the office with colleagues. All the best with your new job 🎉
I find that being a large muscular man helps in persuading others. I am usually incredibly polite most of the time, especially when I had less muscle mass. People would walk all over me when I was younger because I was polite and not fit. Then I started exercising and now people are a lot nicer. So when I'm firm, I am backed up with my large statue and people tend to respect that. Just my observations.
Love this video! I've noticed exactly what you talked about in my day to day interactions. Can I ask if there is a reason why we might need to assert our power in day to day situations like in regards to making new friends etc.. Whenever I try to do so I feel guilty as I feel I'm being too dominant and in a way looking down on the other person... But I feel like this is also holding me back from my true power.
It really depends on your personality and preferences. Some people feel they have been to passive or have been taken advantage of. So they want to know how to be more assertive.
This video definitely help me see where I’ve been going wrong all my career. I now know that me being a naturally polite person, have been giving people the ok to walk all over me. I’ll dial it back a whole lot from now on!
@@LetThereBeLight1111 all the best ❤️ let me also know what steps you have taken to overcome politeness.
I've been able to maintain a job longer when I am blunt with my superiors
Being polite =/= not being assertive.
The best communicators are those that can be polite and respectful, whilst still also advocating for themselves, their values, their goals etc in a direct manner.
This content is really top-notch. A similar book I perused had a groundbreaking impact on me. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn
I should check that out.
So give us please some examples , in this context, how one can 'not' be polite and be perceived as powerful vs. being polite and weak.
❤❤❤
Is being more vocal the same as being assertive they told me at work I have to be more vocal I’m confused
Why did not i see this before, this would have saved me so much of my time . Nonetheless, der aye drust aye
Is this how to act in all situations or just in work situations
Any tips on how to be more respectfully assertive with the difference in power and earn respect from superiors?
You have to know where to be polite and where to be assertive
Make people earn it.
Hey is it possible to interview you? On this topic i recently had something that happened and I shut down, i can tend to talk over people as well as being talked over and I was in an emotional state and during a meeting i just shut down.
You cam be assertive and yet polite
Hi does it count as being assertive if I add "can you/can I" or " please" in a sentence? or does it make me less assertive?
Makes it more polite and less assertive.
I thank you for the powerful advice! Keep it up! I totally agree with you. It's the same here in Russia. PS Peace and love!
>It's the same here in Russia
>has the flag of the Ukraine
Is this another one of Zelensky's ploys to steal my tax money?
What if you have been polite with a group already and they wont expect this assertiveness?
I find that when people aren't used to you getting assertive, then suddenly you've had enough and get firm with them, they freak out and see you as an offensive person more than if you had been stern with them to begin with. It's unfortunate because you want to first give benefit of the doubt to people and take a polite approach.
Ohhh, so this is what I've been doing wrong. 🤦 I am super polite and respectful woman and I was wondering what gives men permission to try to walk all over me. It takes so much energy to make them stay in their lane.
You got this!
@BrunetteBabe It takes practice, but it can be managed. Start with something small. You can do this. ♥️
Sometimes I wonder if I am slightly autistic or slightly ADHD as well. It is tough out there.
@BrunetteBabe Therapy can do wonders.... Or emotional support dog. ♥️
@BrunetteBabe The important things is, that you keep trying.
@@sangichan Thank you! You as well.
Could someone check my hypothetical text to my manager about me taking on a shift? I've been underestimated before, and I want to express my confident wish to take a chance on a shift. BUT, I need someone to check it first to make sure it's assertive yet not rude. I can't write it until someone agrees to check. Otherwise, I risk time posting here.
funny...i always see people trying "act powerful" as very insecure and trying so hard to conceal it. i see polite, agreeable people as very secure in themselves, not having to be brash or too forthright in their demeanor to show "hey everyone, you see how powerful and strong i am?? everyone look at how powerful and in charge i am! i am SO totally powerful!!"
i've just had too many situations in life where these types of people completely fell apart in times of crisis, or when someone challenged them, they got aggressive because they couldn't share the spotlight or share space. they always have to be TOP DOG, and they usually have no business being top dog in the first place.
people don't follow words. they follow actions and behaviors.
case in point: Joe Biden. he's soft spoken and agreeable, but i have a lot of respect for him. he isn't like that polecat Trump, always going around rubbing people's nose in shit like "don't forget who's the BOSS around here!!! I'M THE BOSS! YOU ALL WORK FOR ME!!!"
to me, that's serious cringe behavior that reminds me how a skinny, insecure 13 year old boy would behave--not how like a grown man would.
Are you stupid ? Everyone hates an assertive man but they seem to say nothing to an assertive women.
How do I apply this in the classroom? I am a new teacher in elementary school.
Be direct. Don’t apologize.
I'm now direct and confident when i speak. I'm semisweet with toxic energy vampires 😂
Noone will criticise you because you are a woman.
A woman can be assertive but if a man is then he is toxic.
What do you do if you have an authoritarian sounding voice that seems to turn people off even when you speak with good intentions?
In this situation, I think recording yourself and explicitly training yourself to speak more softly would be effective. It’s critical to have the objective feedback from the video.
Thanks!!
Doesn't this only work if you have some sort of power or authority to begin with?
Just because someone tells another what to do doesn't give them power or authority.
You need to have something to back up the demands you set forth.
Not necessarily. If you speak more directly, you will be heard as more powerful. Even so, institutional and legitimate power do exist, and your assertion of power might not always be welcomed.
video importee dans ma tete trilingue.
why when i speak i feel little and everyone hides?
Thank you. I used this to break up with my boyfriend. He does NOT deserve politeness
How did it go?
Giving Examples . What do u think about it? Show us examples. I am trying to be direct right now :)
People see me as an asshole or cold sometimes because I speak assertively
That’s definitely a risk. Not everyone will be happy when you assert your power.
i defenitely see that back, im in the middle of being assertive and i analyse everything and everyone haha
I'm learning I naturally speak direct and they all say I'm an asshole yet I'm not I want to speak honestly with them not lie to them and just tell them the info they asked for yet they get all pissy that I didn't do something magical with my words or cantor or something? I'm tone deaf as well so me hearing the directness isn't there so to me you asked me A I told you the answer and now your pissed cuz I spoke neutral to you. And I don't apologize for shit I didn't do.
Will they see you as a threat if you become more assertive?
Possibly yes. Showing your power has consequences.
You'll gain confidence when you can divert conflict into something productive that benefits all parties including yourself.
Hello
Hello, Alicia!
Give examples
By saying “give examples“ instead of “please give examples“ or “would you mind giving some examples?“ you are asserting power by being less polite.
@@HowCommunicationWorks amazing
@@HowCommunicationWorksgreat example.
If they are in the miilitary or if the other person is your boss then you wouldn't use it. This video has made me realize that many men bow down to their wives and show deference to them by being too polite. As a result many women leave men for that reason. They want the man to "man up."
As a woman, I agree. I don’t want a rude or overbearing man, for sure! But I also don’t want somebody who leaves all decisions and responsibilities in my lap. I want a partner I can work with, who acknowledges my competences and brings his own to the table. I don’t want to be mommying my lover, which can quickly feel like it if the guy won’t power the relationship with his own strong beliefs, desires and INITIATIVES.
@@leamubiu yes but in these situations a man might be too deferential because husbands generally don’t want to fight with wives. So it’s also up to you to let him lead
Y
Yeah thanks to my elementary teacher for beating me regularly and my strict parents.
That’s won’t be applied in the Uk, here you have to be polite, if you haven’t say please and thank you then you will consider as a rude person. So how you can be powerful in the uk
You can still be more direct. Indirectness equals deference. Directness equals assertion.
Huma sexuality
What hedging ?