Neighbor’s Husband Abuses Her (Should I Step In?)
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- Опубліковано 5 січ 2022
- Neighbor’s Husband Abuses Her (Should I Step In?)
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Last week child protection knocked at my door , asking me about domestic violence in my home. I am so grateful that someone made that call. It was only toward me so I didn’t really think I could get help.
I feel safe again. Emotionally safe. . Still a long way to go. But thank you to who ever called . I am having a hard time with how bad it got , and I didn’t do anything 😢
I don't know your story, of course. But I do know these situations can build up so gradually you kind of don't notice it happening until one day you're looking at your life and wondering how it all went so wrong. So please don't feel bad that you didn't do anything.
I'm just glad somebody called and sent help, and you were able to accept the help. I hope things get better for you.
Abuse can be insidious, especially if your partner was gaslighting you, telling you it was all in your head. Be kind to yourself. I'm so glad you're safe now.
When I was in my early 20s, I started working as a temp at a company where I met a woman who I really clicked with. About 2 weeks after meeting her one friday afternoon she tells me things are really bad for her at home and that she believes her husband is having intercourse with her 16 year old sister whom she took in after some family issues. When she confronted him he punched a hole in the wall next to her head. He also had a gun and was waving it about. She had a young son and her story sent chills down my back. Even though I had just met her, I pleaded with her to get out that same day, to take her son and run. I told her that she could come to my house for a few days (he had never met me and had no idea who I was). She declined but left work very upset and I was troubled all weekend. She did not want the police involved and begged me not to say anything. Monday morning detectives came to the job asking questions. Turns out he hacked her to death and went on the run with their son. The fact that she confided in a near stranger showed how desperate she was. Most abused partners try to hide their abuse out of profound shame. When they are telling strangers what is going on they are probably in immediate danger. Unfortunately, there is not much one can do unless that person is ready to run with any children in tow. Getting the cops involved may make things worse for them. Restraining orders won't stop an unhinged partner. Disappearing is really the only option.
Yeah it can get that bad
@AH I only knew her for 1 week. No address or phone number. I knew generally where she lived but no house number
Obvi not your fault, but that would shake ya for sure.
She chose not to go to authorities. Confiding in a stranger is not the same as asking for help. Sometimes it's a outlet to vent as it's shameful for other family and friends to know. If she was truly ready to leave or report him for sleeping with the underage sister she would have contacted authorities.
So sorry you had to experience that. I hope you didn’t blame yourself, because it was not your fault. Domestic violence situation are not clear cut. Most of the time the abused is afraid to leave.
If she's telling this sort of things right away, she's screaming for help! In Portugal, domestic violence is a public crime, meaning anyone can call the police and press charges against these cowards who hit women
Often, it's not physically violent. People who don't know what to look for as signs that someone is being abused mentally, emotionally, spiritually, sexually.
I went through so much before getting the courage to leave.
He was not like this when we first married. He started doing this after 10 years of marriage & after our 4th baby was born.
After leaving, I had to have reconstructive surgery to live a so called "normal" life.
I'm a deep sleeper. He would tie my arms & legs, when I was sleeping, then violently anally rape me. It was so awful.
Anyone who goes through this, I'm here to tell you that you DO have options, help is available. It might be really difficult at first. I made it & so can you.
@@FreeSpirit47that is so awful I'm SO sorry you had to go through that. I hope you have all the help and resources, love and support available to you to help you heal. Sending you so much love and blessings, wishing you better days ❤❤❤
@@FreeSpirit47she said he rapes her in her sleep, etc. that’s physical
@@FreeSpirit47that is horrific, I’m sorry
@@FreeSpirit47 So sorry you went through all that. Your abuser was quite the slow burner, 10 years and 4 children, in order that he felt he had you trapped enough to take off the mask! To me, knowing abusers, he reads as an insecure gutless evil b*stard. Most of them move much faster than that, engagement, marriage, one or two children, heck, or even just moving in together. So happy you are out the other side of that now.
I literally just went through this recently. The girl was at my door everyday for almost a week crying and needing to use a phone at all hours of the day and night. Mind you I never even met her before. It got so bad I packed her stuff and took her and her baby to a local women's shelter. Hopefully she can get some help and have a better life.
I volunteered in a shelter. They always go back.
Not true. If this is your attitude you have no business working at a shelter.
@@daypeanut4406 I made no reference to my attitude.
Your comment betrays your attitude. Do everyone, including you, a favour, and find a different kind of job.
@@daypeanut4406 Have you worked at shelters, then? I have known women in abusive situations and they get very complex. Women do, often, return to an abusive partner and there are dozens of reasons why that is so. Not recognizing that reality doesn't help anyone.
That makes me sad, because a long time ago, I was scared for my life, and went to neighbors, who I thought were friends, and they said "Why did you choose us ...?"
It broke my heart because I felt desperate, and they said, we have children, saying I sc shouldn't have put them at risk when I was desperate and scared, and had to go back to the husband I was so scared of with no support from anybody at that time, and I eventually fled at just the right moment when he was going to the bathroom so scared quickly scrambling for my car keys to leave and hide with only the clothes I was wearing, wishing someone, anyone would help. I called a sister married with children 7 hours away, and briefly went to my Mother's home where her words were "What did you do...? I thought I was going to be killed that night and couldn't believe her words. So cold and inhuman, I would have loved for someone to help at that scary time. That was years ago, but I think I suffer from PTSD, knowing all that I know now, and it still makes me cry...❤
When I see a story like yours, my radar goes up. Did you listen to this Dr. Your friends could have helped you phone the police. You did not have to go back to your husband, you go to another neighbour and another until you find a place to stay for an hour until the police come. Then DO WHAT your mother, friends were telling you to do years ago, leave him safely. And if your mother was abused and blamed you for doing something wrong, you should know by now, she needs help.
Find out how to do it. Do not stay if he even hits you once. It is the modern day and age. Time for people to stop denying how bad things are, then expecting OTHERS to clean up the mess you got yourself into.
We helped one sister, time and time again, she kept going back to her abuser. We finally gave up. Our own lives would be thrown into turmoil travelling a thousand kilometers and paying to stay in hotels so she could get out of that place. She had so much support it was ridiculous. But they go back, and that is because they refused to go to counselling that helps tell them once an abuser and a victim, they cannot manage together. For you are a codependent, and easily manipulated. It was not your fault, but it was your fault for NOT getting help early on, and staying away when others told you about his red flags. Do not play the blame game, get healthy, strong, and hopefully you can show your family you do not align with abusers anymore. There are womens halfway homes in every town in North America, or nearly so. Once there, stick to a program to CHANGE yourself so you know the signs of an abuser, and get new ways to live life so you do not fall prey to them. You are the only one who can do it, but thankfully many people, volunteers and professionals will help when you are serious.
Laura, I'm so glad you got out of that dv situation! Those folks, I feel, FAILED YOU. But you had the wherewithal to know it was time to go. That shows immense courage! I hope you are doing much better these days. Take care and prayers for you! ✝️🙏💯
@coolwater55 Have you ever been in an abusive situation? It's not that cut and dried. I've heard it takes an average of seven times for someone to leave their abuser. The person being abused once loved who she thought this person was. She sometimes stays trying to get that man back. These victims have been so gaslit, lied to, manipulated and brainwashed that if the abuser said the sky is green, and the victim can see that it's blue, they will second guess themselves and say, "well, is it green? It must be if he said it."
Most abusers are experts on the best ways to tear you down. It doesn't happen all at once in the beginning. It's insidious and before you know it, you're sucked in.
Let's please stop blaming the victim. I think we should do as much as we can to help while making sure to keep ourselves and our families safe. I have heard of girl friends intervening during a fight and the victim turns on them Or, they try to help and get murdered in the process.
It's a fine line, but I would hope I would help as much as I safely could.
@@halliadams5987 You obviously didn't read my full comment. all the best.
I'm so sorry for the abuse you endured both your husband, your neighbours, and your mother. They all failed you. Therapy can help you recover emotionally from what they did to you.
I had this happen with a client. We were driving around, looking at homes, talking about some everyday stuff then suddenly, out of blue, she just started crying and blurted out about abuse she was going thru. I totally froze and had no clue what to say for awhile, then we talked about it and I took her home. A few days later, nor neighbor who was my coworker at that time, came in all stressed out. She said her(my client) showed up after 10pm, banging at her door, screaming "he's gonna kill me, he's gonna kill me".
The guy had criminal record, was stalking her, threatening to kill her dog or her if she doesn't do what she wants. It was crazy. He didn't care for restraining order, drove by her house non-stop making gestures about cutting her throat, harassed her online... She finally moved away and I don't know what happened to him but I really hope he went back to jail. I was stressed just by listening to her. Can't imagine living that kind of life.
The only thing is to get authorities involved these cases are very dangerous
I would reach out to the nearest center for abused women. They can counsel her best.
You can end up dead or accused if you get involved. The abused n3ver leaves and then you get involved without knowing and the abuser starts stalking you because you know and you gave her ideas. Be careful. You want to be a Good Samaritan but not a dead one!
Or on the flip side the woman is making it all up to get sympathy then she get the cops involved and ruins some dudes life cause of accusations. Best for her to stay out of it there is no upside for her
Sometimes over sharing is a sign of trauma. I am a survivor of da and SA and this neighbor sounds like its a cry for help. Don't get in the middle help find services that help people in these situations and offer that info.
Absolutely
I’m so glad you made this episode. I’m in an apartment and the people above me fight and abuse each other and I hear her screaming and being hit. I have called the police on them but there’s not much they’ve done. I’m so tired of them being so loud but I also feel so bad for her!
@@michaelpalumbo4880 I want to but I can’t break my lease and they just moved in
Being a role model of healthy boundaries is a great value. Suggesting resources could be heloful.
What great neighbors
I would keep calling police if noise is during quiet hours. You have rights too. I would move when lease is up
I wonder if my neighbors ever think I’m getting abused we are just into some sh*t during sexy time 😂🤣😂
The caller definitely needs to set boundaries. Report it and stand back. This woman's husband might become abusive towards her. 😕
I suggest tellling the abused woman that if she comes to you with a packed bag, that you will drive her to another state secretly, where she can start over...maybe give her first month's rent and a job reference. But demand that she promises to never tell her abuser that you are involved in ANY WAY.
Or drive her to a woman's shelter. Like offer SOME KIND of help...cuz cops often don't help and the abuser gets worse when they get turned in or the partner threatens to leave. Boundaries are great because that woman is going to need maybe YEARS of quality trauma therapy even after she eacapes... but don't just do nothing!! My goodness, have a heart!! Escaping is usually the hardest part and going back aprox 7 times is normal because the abusers mess up the victim's mind so much that breaking free is very hard.
I escaped years ago from mine because my sister helped me. God bless her. She had to be clear with me where her boundaries were, but thankfully her boundaries weren't just doing nothing or I might be dead right now! Many women report abuse, get restraining orders, and get killed ANYWAY. So options of a safe and mysterious escape are vitally important. Try to give her somewhere to go where the abuser will have NO IDEA where she is. Know that she may feel tempted to contact him after escaping, so don't put anyone else in danger if the abuser finds the location. And SOME women lie, so do keep yourself safe in the process.
If she goes back and that is very likely she will tell him
Sounds like traffickers to me, be careful.
Women do a lot of recruitment because other women will trust them after being asked for help.
Thank you for that knowledge
Another frightening possibility.
They wouldn't be gaming a married woman in the neighborhood.
Good point
@@willak79bud90 yeah they would usually go for single, young, alone women.
John has got to be my favorite ramsey personality. he is incredibly insightful and really measures his words effortlessly!
I think he’s a Doctor in mental health and wellness. Dave is more of a money guy.
I knew a woman who told her best friend to stop dating a guy, and she got torchured, r@ped, and murdered by said guy.
As a woman, I would not be inclined to help a stranger out of a domestic abuse situation. Lots of down side there...
They need to document what's going on with a journal, and then they need to get into contact with Domestic Violence professionals. Navigating out of an abusive relationship is very difficult. As soon as you make the decision that your partner is an abuser and you want out, you have to leave, get an order of protection and never let them around you again. You don't go back for your stuff without a police officer present.
An Order of Protection protects you in court. It also allows for them to be arrested long before they can get close to you. Without an OP, it's harder to prosecute someone before they hurt you.
Wow
@@desireeperham7093wow? one actually got killed and dismembered,while her friend was present,and her friend acted like she didn't even care about the friend who tried to help her out of her abusive relationship I don't have time for those women,they can leave if they want to, they are not children where you can call CPS to remove them from the home
We've got a situation like this in my neighborhood. The police have been called over there numerous times (by the neighbors who hear and witness the abuse) but the couple is still together. I don't know if the wife covers for the husband when the police show up or what happens. One thing I do know is that a woman can not get free of an abusive husband until she takes the steps to get herself free. And I totally get that it is difficult and scary to go against an abuser, especially someone who is prone to violent outbursts and who may provide the financial support in the relationship. It's even worse if kids are involved.
The guy who lived across the street from me used to "physically mistreat" and scream at his wife and son and the cops were called by numerous people and nothing ever happened. Unrelated but it's good to know the police showed up to pile on victims when smaller, younger kids would stand up to the bully. This ruined my faith in the police forever.
Absolutely do not intervene. Domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous situations police get involved with.
Yeah just don’t help anyone. You have no empathy or compassion. I hope nothing ever happens to you and you have to ask for help, and no one helps you
Someone needs to alert the police though
I alerted the police to sounds of abuse in my neighbourhood; my cowardly ex pleaded with me to do nothing, although there was no way the abuser could find out who made that call. Despicable.
@@vaska1999 It definitely may have been the right thing to do, calling the police, but it is foolish to think the abuser can't figure out who called. Call anyway, but be prepared for a situation where the victim denies the attack and the abuser turns on you. Of course, this can happen if you don't call, also, if you are living next to a violent person.
@vaska1999 if it goes to court you will 100% be a witness
I have always helped and I got hurt physically and financially. Please be careful
For anybody reading this. Don't try to confront husband. Call police. Where I live-one neighbor tried to help another neighbor with abusive husband but abusive husband shot both his wife & neighbor to death. Again, help in secret & call police!
Why is a stranger sharing all of this information with someone they just met. I would put her in touch with a domestic violence clinic because you don't want to be dragged into their craziness.
Voilà that's my thought. How could you sharing all this info with someone you just met.
Because it's the first thing on her mind
A stranger would only share this information with someone they just met, because the abusive husband had isolated and controlled them for a long time limiting their options of help to none...and that was one if the only ways they had of reaching out. When an abused woman reaches out to any government or social services, the husband is often informed and abused her more to the point where she can't reach out to anyone without getting punished, because he has control of her time and schedule and phone calls and where she goes and for how long and her work schedule and makes her pay consequences whether emotional or physical abuse for any thing she does from the moment she wakes up until the moment she can finally sleep, and he even controls that.. and isolates her on purpose to have full control.
When ppl have no one to talk to you'd be surprised, strangers can be kinder than your own relatives...I see this alllll the time.
@@changetocome100TRUTH 💯
The only advice you can really give someone is for them to document what's going on, take photos, keep a diary. Ultimately, she has to go to the cops and find a place to stay. And she may be engaging in behavior that she's afraid of getting in trouble for as well. That's very common. The abused person fights back and then the aggressor plays the victim and uses that as blackmail to keep them quiet. She needs to be more afraid of him than the truth of whatever it is she's doing. She should also find a good domestic violence lawyer and pay them for an hour or two to get some counseling to help direct their next steps.
This is good advice
Let the woman handle her own problems. Possibly consider providing her good resource hotlines but stay out of it otherwise. If she can't take of it or her friends and family couldn't, and you being new on the scene, definitely can't.
Sounds like a lot of sharing from someone you just met. I would definitely back away.
Far away.
Absolutely.
Plus her instincts say not to trust her.
Over sharing is a sign of trauma and a cry for help
@@classy4ever63professional help, which people often refuse, instead seeking enablers, like addicts do.
Do not get involved! He could beat you up when no one else is around
Such a good advice. Be careful with what people you don't really know say. Mental instability is not that uncommon and may drag you in awful situations you are not equipped to deal with.
NEVER put yourself in the middle of an abusive domestic situation. NEVER! It is NOT your drama!
Agree. Mind your own business.
Nah, that makes you a bystander. Reach out to the proper authorities.
I agree that you should never physically insert yourself unless it’s a family or loved one in a dire situation. But you can give the victim resources. But it’s absolutely a bad idea if he found out this neighbor was helping.
@@jesssc402why can't the victim call the police?
I would not get involved or communicate with the woman. Sounds like trouble. The caller needs to look out for safety. Her life is on the line once she gets involved. People are crazy, especially abusive men
Met ppl and their identity IS being that victim to ppl. Addicted to the abuser in a weird codependency. Or the "abuser" is easy for the "victim" to manipulate, so she stays. If your instinct is to beware of her, do so.
I don't think there was enough exploration of the situation to know if contacting authorities would place this woman at greater risk. Don't think this is D's area of expertise. The stakes could be life and death, so I would look elsewhere before I made that call.
From personal experience, consider this woman is lying. And if she is making it up, there’s a chance she is actually the abuser. Again, from personal experience.. watch your personal belongings around this couple. Report to the authorities and walk away. This will not have a happy ending if there’s any abuser involved, no matter what.
I hate to say this, but from personal experience, I went through something like what the video is talking about with a friend of mine, and she actually was being abused. I don't agree with you that we should consider right off the bat that the woman is lying. She may be or may not be. I think John gave the lady on the phone the right advice to be on the safe side and call the police if the lady on the phone thinks it might be warranted. In situations like this, we can't just assume (whether from our own experience or not) that someone is lying about being abused. Better to be on the safe side and call for help if there is even any possibility at all that someone is being hit or abused. We don't know for sure unless we happen to observe it ourselves.
@@Sheryl777 id say it’s safe to assume either could be the abuser.
@@alexatedw And our "assumptions" could also be wrong if we are only guessing as to what we "think" might have happened.
No. Don't report anything. Just 🏃♀️run and don't get involved. You don't know this couple and you don't owe them anything.
@@alanparedes2034 As Alan says, don't try to help anyone by calling police when they come to you and tell you they're getting beat up....just let them get beat to death... 😒...cause as he says, at least it won't be you. (WTH)
The suggestion to ask her new friend what the friend wants her to do, is terrific advice. It puts the responsibility for any action back on the new friend, and not on the caller. Getting involved in DA situations can really backfire, so this way she can be supportive without making a potentially huge mistake. Often just being a sounding board is the best thing you can do.
I am not super nice to new neighbors. They are strangers. I am always weary. I listened to “ let’s not meet” podcast for too long.
Great show.
I had a similar situation. A lady down the street was supposedly getting abused but she didn't have any marks. She seemed a little off. My husband and I tried to help her but it was way over our heads. We offered to have her see our pastor but she refused. It got to a point though I had to draw a line in the sand. She was texting me and complaining about this and she didn't want to get help. I had a toddler at home and i was pregnant. I didn't want her bringing this drama into my house. So i just had to stop messaging her back.
What on earth is the point of involving a plaster. Of course she didn’t want that ridiculous offer of “help”
This is good to know should I ever be in a similar situation. Thank you, John.
If she is sharing such horrible information about her abuse so early on there is bound to be more bad stuff going on. She sounds like the type of person that spins people into her drama and "mysery loves company" The cops were called by the neighbors, so soon after you moved there, and nothing came of it? (is she lying to authorities that may not be able to do anything if she is covering up?)...other neighbors know that they have major problems if the are making those calls. That is a dangerous and potentally deadly situation. Stay away. (One of my best friend's next door neighbor's daughter was killed by her husband a year ago this past Christmas week..this reminded me of that horrific nightmare...it happens and it's extremely dangerous)
Why does he not note that if a man is physically beating his girlfriend in a nearby apartment and she gets involved she needs to pay attention to keeping herself safe, also? It's o.k. to take a risk to help another person, but you need to do it with your eyes open, drunken wife beaters don't always confine their violence to their own home.
I’ve always called the police for people screaming, I did it enough the guy stopped for a few months until they moved out. And yes making new friends feels like your dating them at this age, it’s so weird.
All these Info at first meeting??? Tell her to go the police 👮♂️. Asap! And tell her how to get help.
Great advice! 👍
Yessssssssss. Thank you for acknowledging that they're BOTH unstable. She's NOT treating you like a friend...she's using you like a therapist/venting dummy. Just a toxic relationship. Stay tf out of it.
OR she's desperately trying to get help.
I met a man from a foreign country 40 years ago. He was "perfect". He was everything I wanted. We were together in the U.S. for 10 years. There were red flags, but I chose to ignore them. Big mistake.1 After 10 years, we moved to HIS country. Immediately, the REAL person came out. He and his mother abused me DAILY. I was shell SHOCKED! I had two small children. In my desperation, I reached out to my foreign neighbors. My foreign neighbors were lifesavers! They helped me SO much. They were so warm and caring. They gave me money. They introduced me to lawyers, who treated me like their daughter. I was introduced to the American Consulate General. He and his foreign wife took good care of me and were making a plan to help me. I got out by an unexpected miracle. Back to the states. I got remarried 18 years ago. This man is good. I had no problems with my second husband.
The victim is unstable due to the abuse. Doesn't mean she's just as bad.
This is ridiculous, should someone not vent to someone they trust. She needed help. Do you have an ounce of humanity? Goodness!! This is making me so mad that they're people who think like you. Do you even have a friend? Can someone come up to you for advice or even just comforting or is that just manipulative. Go touch some grass! God forbid you ever share your problems with anyone.
She’s unstable because of him, she’s probably trying to get out , in abusive relationships, the abusers often don’t let the victims have friends , she saw you in the dog park, she knew that was the only time she would’ve been able to get out
Great advice 👍
Great advice Dr John.
This lady doesn't have boundaries.
The Netflix Mini Series "Maid" depicts the difficulty of leaving an abusive partner, especially with kids. To the Caller- Getting involved endangers yourself and your family. Anonymity is best, if you choose to call the cops. Protect yourself. Since you've always been surrounded by the same trustworthy friends, you are, I hate to say, showing your naivety with your friendly openness and this makes you a target for all kinds of bad situations- you have to put up walls and stay safe. I'd no longer spend much time with this person- just a quick friendly hello, how ya doing, and you're too busy to get together. Keep a superficial distance and, if you must feel you have to help, I like the idea someone mentioned of anonymously providing info for a few domestic violence support centers in the area, where she can see them. Try as much as possible to focus on your own life and filter out the rest.
I'm worried about the dog.
Abusive husband but she is not scared of telling people that? Such a controlling husband he lets her take out a new neighbor and pays for it? Friend bombing and over sharing so soon is the work of an abusive narcissist. Next. Will be gaslighting or the friend dump.
I was thinking the same thing!
Exactly
Good point
She have to be careful and use discernment
Exactly!
Abused victims seldom tell about their situation so freely. I don’t trust this woman!
Not one bit.
I've been there and I've told people for support. Honestly it's better to be safe and take it seriously than be sorry and the person gets really hurt
@dailyencounterwithchrist8691 Yes, call the cops, but still stay out of it personally. If she's lying, hopefully her husband will dump her. And if not, she knows her options. If she chooses to stay, distance yourself further.
@@dailyencounterwithchrist8691 Like, random strangers you met at the park? Or close friends/people you knew and trusted? Big difference.
@@sitcomchristian6886 Oversharing is a sign of trauma and occurs when the victim feels in immediate danger.
Something sounds off in this situation, really off.
Dead giveaway
Spidey senses definitely tingling. Lots of off-ness . Lol
Why is she screaming so that the neighbours call the police and her husband is not even there?
The caller sounds like such a nice, caring, empathetic person - who wouldn't want to be friends with her? But to drop an anvil on her lap of this magnitude upon first meeting placed her in a very awkward position and possibly a very dangerous one that also includes her own husband and family. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors and considering the abused neighbor seems to be admitting the abuse is ongoing, why hasn't she called the authorities on her own before now? My brother is a retired law enforcement officer and he readily admits DA/DV calls are *the* most dangerous calls for any LEO or 1st responder. That the allegedly abused woman has not tried to help herself raises concerns; perhaps she is the kind of person who is terrified to do so, or she is the kind of person who depends on others to rescue her all the time. That John recommended strict boundaries and verbalizing the neighbor's issues are above the caller's pay grade and expertise and while she's willing to help, her 'help' will be in the form of calling the authorities. Having said that, if the neighbor has been keeping her distance since then, something smells about the abuse story. It certainly may be as bad as the neighbor let on, but abusers of this frequency and level aren't usually those who allow their victim to socialize, go out for dinner/drinks, meet up with gal pals because they fear being found out and reported. Something feels 'off' here. I'm a statistic myself: a former abused wife who landed in the ER more times than I can count back in the mid- 70s and early-80s, well before the term "domestic abuse/violence" was even heard of, and there just is something stinky about this situation. The new neighbor might be a pathological liar who embellishes everything or just loves the attention of having a sympathetic audience she can complain to and run to all hours of the day and night. Her husband might be one of the sweetest, kindest men on the planet who is being trashed by his wife to discredit him and ruin his reputation. *She* may even be the abuser, the instigator and her bruises are a result of him defending himself from *her*. The caller stated the neighbor began distancing when told the authorities would be called, but if caller was my sister, cousin, niece, aunt, etc., my advice to her would be to mind her own business unless and until the woman knocks on her door begging her to call the authorities because that's the only help she'll gladly provide. Being a good listener is fine, but if what she's listening *to* isn't the absolute truth, why waste her time, energy, empathy and be used and manipulated by someone who craves attention and sympathy just in the desire to form a new friendship. That's not a friendship she should even begin to nurture.
When we listen to them we become their enablers. First thing that's going to happen, she will turn her back on you and you will be in deep trouble. Unfortunately it's something she can only do by herself with professional help.
This is simple ...offer her suggestions BUT don't intervene in her day-to-day life. Don't become overly friendly.
This woman is the epitome of "smart people are smart enough to ask for help". What a great person
this woman is looking for attention. i am always leery of people who share too much, too soon. is she being abused? possibly. is she part of the problem? possibly. but i've been through this with a couple before and when i reported it, the couple showed up at church afterwards as if they were soul mates from the Garden of Eden - then stopped talking to me. they were simply dysfunctional, attention grabbers looking to inflict their drama in the peace Christ Jesus has blessed me. feed her with a long handle spoon. if she shows up at your door visibly assaulted, call the cops and let them handle the situation. stay out of their relationship from there and you are not obligated to be her friend. be cordial and kind, but this woman is not a friend. God bless.
Normally abused party rarely gives up that information so quickly. They won't even tell family. I would give resource numbers that call for help and leave it at that.
You said it all here.
Great advice.
I love your expression about the long handled spoon!
The most likely possibility.
A few thoughts I want to share…..This can be a dangerous situation for you as well as the neighbor. Please proceed with caution, you made a great start by calling John.
If this woman goes home and says something to the abuser about your conversation, particularly that you feel the need to call the cops you likely are a target of this man’s rage and inability to control himself. So that’s the first thing I thought. I’m not saying it will happen but it could. Your neighbor IS unstable, the tricky part is she may have been that way prior to getting involved with this guy.
It’s really hard to know what to do and how much to get involved. I agree 100% with John that you need firm boundaries while not turning your back on her.
My other thought was that the most dangerous call a cop goes on is a domestic violence call. They are fully trained how to handle these situations but it can go sideways in a heartbeat. I say this in validation of what John said about leaving most of this to the professionals.
I’m not saying don’t help her only that to you and anyone else who may be confronted with a similar situation please be very careful and clear about what is the best way to move forward.
I worked in mental health for many years and have seen more than I ever wanted to. ❤
I would be very careful and not get involved. The advice about having boundary’s is a good one.
We have a couple in our building who do outdoor performances for all to see and hear. Usually it's him saying she's not carrying her weight and he's doing more. She screams back. Police have been there many times but no change.
I am so conflicted with this. If they are both unstable, letting someone know I am going to call in 48hours can cause me to end up on Dateline.
Friends never help even the police like in my country especially can't help. It's important for abused people should know that the they have to fight for their own lives. Unless you are a child it's important to note that you have to find your own resources to separate yourself from your abuser. Your friends, neighbours even parents may feel sorry for you but the bitter truth is, they can't help you.
It's important to talk about it though even to people who don't care to relieve the pressure but find resources online, from church or from books to give you perspective and to chart a way forward. You will be free if you plan well.
I've had this happen. I'll let the professionals handle it.
My neighbor has been abused by her husband for years. She has a good support system with her family. She has chosen to stay. That’s not my business. She made a choice.
That's how it usually looks like from the outside, as a choice. Conveniently, it also gets us off the hook.
Just saying, in my life nothing good ever came from people who shared really personal things really fast. This was good advice, I wish I’d heard it (or understood it) years ago.
Sadly sometimes you can only offer suggestions for the dv victims to seek help, but it'd be better for them to look for a women's shelter, to go to a police station, call 911. Sometimes they just vent but never try to get away for different reasons, and they even get upset if you call the police to help them, because something inside of them makes it hard to leave the abuser. I tried my best to convince my mom to leave her husband because he insulted and bullied us, ruining several festivities, trips, family reunions...they're still together after almost 30 years because my mom was afraid to be alone and now at 41 I need to take anxiety medication. I couldn't help my own mother to get a better life.
Wow.
First Lady’s story. New friend shares too much. Been there. Done that. Been bamboozled. Be careful.
Any chance it’s for attention?
Calling the police isn’t going to do much. May make it worse
You don’t even know if she’s telling the truth.
If this woman wants out she will get out. It's not your responsibility to get involved. Her husband could hurt you. Tell her to call the police.
This neighbor is FULL of drama...Run Forrest..Run!!
Of course she's unstable, she's living an abused life. It's like being temporarily insane.
Helping her is telling her that you don't know what you can do for her. That abuse is never ok & that she should get help from professionals.
Otherwise it's going to keep you up at night mostly because your hands are tied.
Unless you witness by hearing it or see it the police won't come.
I would have just called the police. This is not a time to choke. Or start to talk philosophy. This is an emergency situation because the danger is evident and eminent. This is a person that is lying on the street, being beat up, screaming for help. You cannot afford not to believe them. Let the professionals find that out.
I am always suspicious of people who over share the first time I meet them. Why is she not over sharing with her family, assuming she has family.
Whatever you do, DON'T get involved with other peoples problems as they will turn on you. Butt out of this situation and stay away from her.
This happened to my roommate, please step in. I wish I knew her then we all of it went down because I would’ve saved her
The friend has options as well. The cops have given her options. People say society is at fault for not believing victims. No. It's people like her as to why victims don't get believed. Real abuse victims do NOT talk about abuse with total strangers, at least not while they're being abused.
Bad call, Delony. Ghost her and avoid her. You can send her abuse survival pamphlets, anonymously. The reality is that she will be back with him the next day. He could hurt you and your family for helping.
Yep so true I had 2 friends that had abusive boyfriends and they always go back. I tried helping and finally gave up never again.
It could be her that's the abuser especially if she's telling you all this and you don't know her. I would observe and see the power dynamic
I was in a similar situation in my twenties for a short time and my advise is get out. get out get out get out and become financially independent (I was thankfully)
She's such a kind empathetic human being
She shud call 911
I think its interesting that she has an "abusive" husband but is able to go out with the girls. The caller needs to consider that there are two sides of the story. I think contacting the police but taking no further action is wise.
I've told people straight up that I'm a mandated reporter and if you keep talking, there's a good chance I'll hear something I'm not allowed to ignore.
If there is kids involved one have obligation to report if not....Don't get involved ...this might turn to be a pandora box
Put up boundaries now. You sense these people are unsafe and eventually their addiction to chaos and drama will bring you down with them. Step in when necessary for someone’s safety, but don’t be “friends.” Learned the hard from from a neighbor of my own. Took my time and attention off my own family and they eventually cut ties with me when I called them out on them not taking accountability for their own issues. The wife would come to us and tell us her side. Then the husband would come. It was just a nightmare after a couple years and I was glad when they inevitably split and moved away. Many cop calls.
Tell if she wants to leave, you can her help her until that time comes. There's nothing you can do.
Nope,don't help either ,call the police and let them help her move, you are dealing with an abusive man,they are strong and can harm you
Some toxic couples do try to drag other people into their situation to add to the drama, chaos, and excitement. If her neighbor's husband has sex with his wife while she's sleeping, that doesn't qualify as rape, exactly. My next-door neighbors have tried dragging me into their situation in the past as well.
This caller has probably been stable her whole life, minded her Ps and Qs and avoided toxic relationships. DO NOT start now. Yeah it’s awful what her neighbor is experiencing, and obviously call the cops if you hear anything illegal happening, but don’t involve yourself with her.
Wow, she told you all that right away, ai think she is asking for help, even if it's subconsciously
Why doesn't she call the cops to help her?
Hearing this from a complete stranger is a touchy subject, they could be in the process a divorce, she might be cheating on him, you have never met him and she never called the police on him herself, she wants you to know. What does she expect you to do about it. She needs to get help and there are plenty of resources, or she could leave. People get hurt or killed over taking sides in a domestic dispute, ask any cop!🙏💙✌️ Let the professionals handle it, they are better equipped, stay safe!🤔👍
Someone who tells a complete stranger This the first time out is lying
1:50 omg 😳 😢😢😢
Strange he always says tell someone when you are being abused. Report things. Abuse victims are often scared.
Sometimes we have to let life gets messy to help the vulnerable and unprotected. However, there is also a safe way to get involved without bringing harm to yourself or your own family. I would offer to give her a ride if she decides she wants to go to a domestic violence shelter, however, it has to be on the victim to decide that she is ready for help. Don't get involved in the situation beyond that.
Intervene with a noise call I've known women who are no longer with us because they couldn't leave with their kids so they stayed and the crazy abusive husband beat them to death because no one would make that call
It 100 percent could be made up too.. my ex wife went around telling people i was financially and physically abusive. Really she was cheating on me and wanted people on her side so she could try to take the kids and run off. Truth came out when she gpt arrested for assualting me. She called the cops herself ans acted scared. But when they showed up she admitted everything just because he lied and said he knew everything
Who on earth would even ask this question?! Of course you step in! What a cowardly thing to ask.
I would not even be friends with her keep your drama give her resources and goodbye
I agree - except with the threat of suicide. If someone says, they want to kill themself, I would not wait 24-48 hrs. I would call authorities immediately.
So many of these comments make it obvious why so many that need the help, don't say anything. You don't have to be there but holy crap...not doing anything? I pray none of you rely on the compassion of a stranger for anything dangerous. 🙏 Sad all the way around.
Agreed!
Call police. Install security cameras. Have shotgun ready for when he comes back. This is what we did for our Chinese neighbor and her prodigy son when their husband/father abused them.
Twist...its the caller making up the whole story.
This is a little sus. I wouldn’t trust that lady. There is something wrong with someone that would share all of that with complete strangers