People are so desperate to be married and tick that box, they refuse to walk away when red flags show up during dating. They think the person will change with a ring.
You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person - because they will always ask you to explain any confusion. Real, honest communication is a beautiful thing, not scary.
Gaslighting 101. I lived through 14 years of wondering what I could say without sounding "stupid". Twenty years after our separation I still have remnants of the feeling.
Poor thing is twisting herself into a pretzel to make the marriage work, while her husband is happy to watch her do it, even encourages it. He is NOT a great partner. If his actions don't change, I hope she moves on to find a healthier relationship.
Yeah. And sometimes people who've been extra not sheltered tend to also be easy to gaslight because they've become so accustomed to it. And sometimes people who are very capable and self reliant can be easily gaslit because they've always been strong enough before why shouldn't they be able to be it all, fix it all? They become distracted by maintaining their track record...
It is the husband. No stable, mature, responsible, loving husband would ever tell a spouse, "I'm not going to tell you how to communicate with me because that would be weird." ... not if his relationship with his wife has any value to him. The husband has locked himself in a box and is not going to even allow his wife in. I suspect he may be criticizing and blaming his wife during his one-on-one counseling sessions. I hope this woman is listening very well and follows the advice. From her tone, I'm not sure she is willing to believe she cannot fix him.
At least they don't have any kids, so far. That does make leaving a lot easier. Feeling alone two years into the marriage would be a deal breaker to me. Find a partner.
If her husband isn't willing to at the very minimum say how shes offending him then thats on him.She showed empathy and care to ask him and he cant even answer.
I'm under the impression he's not just immature I'm under the impression he is emotionally abusive/manipulative John got it right in the first sentence "You've been gaslit" but then backtracked on it and suggested couples counselling Let me tell you one thing Couples counselling in abusive relationships just never works She sounds like a "fixer" Except, she can't change him Only he can change HIM
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its because she said she wasnt going to leave. He wants to best advise them for the situation they want to be in, not the one he hopes for them. While hes not afraid to tell someone to leave a marriage when its life or death, hes not an advocate for divorce, especially when he'd basically be making the decision FOR them. When they want to stay you cant tell them anything, shes too deep in the gaslight. She has to bump her head a few times before she gets it.
That’s not always true. Most of the time it’s either because the person they’re accusing of, has done bad things before and it’s hard to believe them when they “change” as if they’re not going to fall back to old habits they did the accuser wrong. Or.. or… since the world has had many many partners, there’s always trauma for that individual whose been cheated on. So of course they will accuse the next person they’re with because of the trauma. Because of the same things the ex did that ended up with them cheating. It’s trauma. It’s fear of being hurt again
Or they think whatever is the issue is obvious, that it's self-evident or self-explanatory and the other person's playing games. But this guy is just refusing to tell her anything as a means of controlling her.
Could you please elaborate on your comment? I am dating someone that gets offended by some stuff that I say, but not telling me what offended him, he just suddently gets quiet and treats me coldly. To not make him a complete villain, I am from eastern Europe and we tend to be pretty offensive in comparison to the westernes.
He's punishing you by giving you the silent treatment. A mature person would tell you what the problem is calmly. You don't have to accept that behaviour. There are better men out there.
@@thelifeofmaryd.2494definitely. That’s what every guy who can’t get laid or got cheated on puts on all women. It’s the most basic bro response of all time. Sure some people are all about the money but not everyone of them.
@@ebriggs3498Dr. Forward is FANTASTIC. I read a different book by her years ago to learn some skills for coping with an issue I was having and it helped me tremendously. Very practical author and treatment/solution-focused.
"You're not going out of your mind. You are slowly and systematically being driven out of your mind. " - Gaslight, The Movie "RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!......"
This was me 30 years ago. I lived 24 years of that and believe me it gets worse. The affair that his first wife had had and all the emotions that this brought up with him that I gave him leeway with turned out to be a damned lie. He had the the affair not her. All his bad behaviour pivoted on this awful thing that had happened to him. I was falsely accused for years of infidelity whilst to my knowledge he cheated three times. Hoarding money and denying he had it led him to accuse me of the same thing. Therapy had no effect because he lied to them also. My heart goes out to this lovely lady.
This is how my husband started too, he became super offensive over everything. We were joking one night with friends about him and some "random woman firefighter" whose picture was uploaded on the Cities FB Pages how look "we caught you with another woman" like all of us joking around. The next day he brought it up saying I was toxic for joking that he was cheating. Three days later I found a calendar with another woman. He had been cheating since I was 8 months pregnant. I found at 6 months PP.
When I brought my youngest home from the hospital after a C-section, I found hairpins in our bed. I had very short hair and didn't even own hairpins. I waited until I was healed enough from the surgery to go to work and then kicked his ass out. That baby will be 52 this Saturday. Narcissists cannot change nor can they love anyone. I hope you handed hubby his walking papers.
She needs to be real about her feelings and WHEN he devalues her feelings she needs to bear down on it. She has every right to have her emotions, she's a people pleaser like me. She will resent him
when anyone says you don't trust me , it's because they want to do what ever the heck they want. they don't want anyone telling them what to do. kids say you don't trust me. i say no, because you want me to trust you so you can go do whatever you want. same with men, same with women. people don't want to be told what to do. some people think deciding together is still telling them what to do because they don't have full reign on it themselves. hate to say, but most men are like that. they want to be independent and still be married. like you're not even considered when they're making a decision, it's all about what they want.
Can go both ways. My husband wants to decide everything together (and strange enough the “correct” decision was me staying home as much as he wanted me to, regardless of what I was maybe trying to do. I was taking dance lessons, he hated it)
@@KatieLHall-fy1hwLol yes, I love it when everything is to be "discussed," but only so my husband can steamroll me - because the only "correct" decision is the one he makes.
It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, it’s that he doesn’t respect her. He is abusive and she needs to leave. He’s using triangulation with her. She needs to get safe
When I saw this, it felt like déjà vu. I could have been the caller a year or two ago. In the last year or so, I have finally internalized the truth that many times there is no way that I could word a sentence that would not trigger my husband in someway. It’s not about me. I can ask the most innocent question, make the most innocent comment, even say something with all good intentions in my heart, and he can misinterpret it based on his own trauma. That has nothing to do with me. Once I finally internalized that, it was so freeing! I’m only three minutes into the video, but John so far has been saying everything, exactly right, and I hope that she can listen.
Yeah I feel you. My ex became more and more extreme this way. In the end I mentioned that I think his insecurities cause him to become defensive as a coping mechanism when I want to simply share my feelings, even thou it's not about him at all, he that it would cause him to feel offended while I wouldn't even be attacking me. He ended up gaslighting and trying to manipulate me by basically chosing to want to have 1 week of jo contact cause he was overwhelmed and when I told him that crossed my bounderies he'd tell me then he'd break up. So I let him. Now 8 months post break up (without him even wanting to look me in the eyes and talk about the break up as it was OVER TEXT), he reached out to want to share his feelings. Wanted to let me know that "he forgives me" even thou "that I called him insecure which couldnhave been the worst thing a women says to a man just for sharing his feelings". Even while "i never cared to appologise". After I took the time out of my dax to reply as empathic as I could and make it clear that there was no connection to calling him insecure to him sharing his feelings and that it's rather the opposite - that he didn't share his authentic self enough by being honest, he never replied again. But I'm glad to have pointed out that as much as he never got an appology, I also accepted that I won't ever get one and that it's ok lol
This happened to my friend! Easily offended man? he’s cheating financially or sexually or emotionally etc., Also, he did the classic cheater easily offended move and accused you of what he was already doing. If he starts pointless arguments to get out of the house… He can’t attach, because all of his lies will be revealed. It doesn’t get better.
It definitely gets worse. It’s not possible to live through this confusion and betrayal, so you must lose yourself to stay in a marriage like this. One of the most dearest woman in my life is a shell of her vibrant, beautiful, and loving self and I can’t change it and it makes me sad. I pray for healing for all ❤
Also, I no longer trust people who say they had a happy childhood and end up in abusive situations (then happy homes mean nothing) OR people who hyper focus and constantly complain about their childhood and can’t move past it.
What's the betting that she'll walk into the therapy session and find out the reason her husband's attitude has improved- is that he's been telling tales to the therapist and blaming his wife for everything
"He wants to work on it." Too often this actually means he wants YOU to magically fix it, and they think they can accomplish this through controlling you more. "Working on it" means therapy, cooperation, and communication to some of us, but something completely different to others.
“He has a lot of shame because of his past, he’s going through therapy” Me 🚪 🏃♂️ Red flags all the way!!! This man will never get out of the rut he’s in if you keep making yourself a door mat for him to wipe his dirt on. Sounds like this guy isn’t invested into this marriage as much as you are. I feel bad for you because you seem like a very genuine woman who wants it to work, but also a very naive woman to think you should be in this relationship the way he is.
I dated a girl for 2 1/2 months. She started gaslighting me a lot. I believe it was because she had been hurt by men before. I let her know that I understand. But I hope that I could earn her trust and that it hurts me when she does that. I asked her to have a conversation rather than assume my motives are bad.I started to cry as I let her know how I felt. Her response was breaking up with me. Looking back, I think she was a narcissist. I was doing my best to show her a man could be loving. But she always complained about something. That was only after 2 1/2 months! I can only imagine how bad it would be if we got married!
I heard this for years, he is gaslighting you. It’s excruciating and rarely leads to resolution. It’s not your stuff Mary! You can’t relate because you are HONEST. Where there is confusion, there is manipulation and gaslighting
Mary is sweet, naive and innocent she deserves better this man might break her and change her personality. I use to be like that too that person is no longer here! Mary run if he is not willing to be better for you save your goodness and sweet nature because once it’s gone it’s impossible to get that nature back. You come from a good background you can’t save who’s not willing to change he is taking the right step to go to therapy but he has to show up and follow through and respect boundaries.
When youre sheltered you expect everyone to be the same as what youre used to. So, if theres a communication barrier, it must be on "my" end. If they dont trust me, it must be because they dont know they can trust me; Not them simply choosing to withhold information from "me." They dont see the red flags as "evidence" because they've never experienced gaslighting before. It never even occurred to her that hes probably a liar and is probably using their money for nefarious things. Poor girl, and the worse part is, it will take YEARS for her to get it.
The last thing I want is for this lady to be blindsided in therapy the way I was. I’m legitimately worried about her going to the same counsellor as her husband because I’ve been in that situation where I was incessantly gaslit and blamed for ruining my ex’s life just because I had an illness. When I asked him to get counselling he did, but he spent all of his sessions complaining about me, so when I went to a joint session with them they tag-teamed abusing me. The female therapist told me I needed to wear more makeup for my partner despite the fact I had chronic fatigue and could barely maintain my job. I ended up on antidepressants, suicidal and only started to recover once I left the relationship.
Same. We did get something out of couple's counseling (and it meant something that he would agree to go) but I had Betrayal Trauma from gaslighting therapist who yelled "Do you call your mom an abuser? Do you think your husband is an abuser?" I felt mentally isolated & trapped because she wanted me to stop talking to anyone else but her and my gaslighting, manuplulative husband and stop learning about difficult, toxic, manuplulations, projection, black & white thinking, etc. She wouldn't answer or explain the things that were happening to me. I was out.
Oh my. This one tells my story. 😢 I'm working with a counselor, but he has said he won't go. Thank you for sharing this , because it gives me direction, even though it's an unknown path.
...ive lived that life in the past...its never ever,ever going to change unfortunately (in my opinion)...I wish her luck.. another great video,thanks🇦🇺❤️
Because it triggers their subconscious fear of being alone. If he is a liar, cheater, and abuser, then they can't be in the relationship. Remember, when you are a codependent, the only relationship need that you have is the need to be in a relationship. The fear of being alone is the most pervasive fear that you have. Having a trash bag of a human is better than having no one. Your subconscious brain makes 90% of your decisions. This is why people can rationally know what they need to do but cant execute.
Because it really hard to accept the harsh truth. If it is her she might be able to fix it. If it is him the marriage is over. So the life you plant is just a dream. Everything shattered. Thats hard to deal with
Stop, he’s playing her because he knows she loves him. Manipulation indeed, he acts defensive so she’ll leave him alone to do what he wants. She thinks if she makes it her fault she can fix it. Hopefully counseling helps but these conversations should have happened long before vows.
This is a cautionary tale. I think people don't know is that when marry someone with all that past-trauma/baggage, that spills out/comes out on you and your kids. If they haven't dealt with or even if they have, it doesn't stay self-contained and they get traumized in the process of the relationship. I know people love each other so they continue and get married. Then several years in and they are having major issues and asking how can we fix this or fix themselves. I just wonder didn't you see the red flags in the beginning? When you ask, they thought I could fix them or fix it. No you can't. She probably looking at a separation in the near future.
I really like John because he ALWAYS says the truth. What people say or do to you to hurt you is a choice they make. Gaslighting you is more common in a relationship more then people know. I NEVER knew about this term until recently. The same with manupulation. This is what my soon to be ex husband has done to me for over 38 years. He would hurt me & say horrible things to me and say I was his trigger. He would say that because how he was brought up and what he has been through in his life is why he is the way he is and that he is broken. Well I tried fixing the man that I truly loved addored my whole life and in the end, he still hurt me. Never think you can fix someone because unless they can't fix themselves, you never will. The innocent suffer because of another one's failure. Let them go, I did, and saved myself. Now I'm taking care of me and I am happy again ☺️
Wow. This is the best episode yet. I've looked at older videos of yours, Dr. John, and I really enjoy how you are "fine tuning" your advice. Your really old ones would trigger me. I think because you were talking to people more as a "Christian Therapist". At lease from my past with religious abuse. It really pains my heart to hear these young folk you talk to, a lot, who are more likely there because of purity culture. So many young in those cultures are so desperate to have intimacy, they get married too young with hardly any tools. The guilt and shame for just being a normal human also causes trauma. This is my honest opinion. Thank you. I will add it to my favourites.
Yikes, definitely need financial rules when you're in a marriage that are agreed on before using something like a credit card. There's no going with the flow, you need to be on the same page with rules. This was really sad to listen to, people need more counselling before getting married to coach them.
My husband just went along with everything I said before marriage and made me believe he has the same views. He would cleverly ask me for my views first, or give me vague non-answers when I asked him stuff. The moment we were married he turned and started to accuse me of not doing things he needed, and even refused to tell me what it was he needed. Such people are extremely manipulative and will do or say anything to get you in the trap before revealing their true selves.
“It’s sitting on your nervous system” wow that hit hard 😢 IT’S NOT YOU WOMAN, he’s a Narcissist and speaking to one it’s like speaking to a wall, no matter what the talk is about!
While I’m sure there’s another side to her narrative, I have a hard time feeling sorry for her since she knew this about him before she married him. Part of dating (and yes, being engaged is still dating) is to find out if this person is ready to take on the responsibilities that come with being married. A man who refuses to have hard conversations because they make him uncomfortable was not ready to be a husband. They need couples counseling with someone who will call him out on his immaturity and motivate him to step up and be a man.
He has to trust her. Men aren't going to communicate when they feel judged or maybe rejected. She had to prove she's there and loves him. Most of the time it's words of affirmation. We love when you praise us and ultimately love us. She's not speaking his love language.
@wordsalad01 well I wanted examples but John didn't want it. Yes she said she didn't trust him with the finances but never said why. It's communication. If you tell me your emotions behind anything my ears going to open up. I'm easily offended too and when he said I don't feel like I should tell you how to communicate with me...I kinda get it. My ex wasn't on my level of communication, even when I told her. She just wasn't a gentle loving person. She hid her emotions. My current one is very emotions and her expression and words of affirmation flow like water. I don't have to look for signs that she cares, she's there for me....she tells it daily. I'm just saying it's words or even something she's doing that triggers him.
I was in a relationship and trained my self to use language with „I feel …“ he still was offended. That when I knew I’m not the problem here. The process of leaving still took some years. He actually did abuse me emotionally and financially it took me some years after I left to realize that.
he won't tell her what he needs because when she fulfills it, he will have to do the same. people like this will do anything to not be held accountable. beyond their financial stuff, i bet he says "whatever you want" or "i don't know" a lot in order to not be held accountable for the outcome of their shared decisions.
People pleasing doormat pick me girls. It’s like a train crash. Keep listening to these episodes but dang it’s so hard to listen to these women make excuses for the obvious.
"Self-select into suffocation" I'm going to remember that line. My husband once told me that my not properly worshipping him was like suffocating him. He said if I refused to do it then I wasn't as good and loving as he thought I was, and all the consequences would be my fault.
Perhaps she felt a need to protect him and help him heal from the events of his past. Unfortunately, he’s holding back from communicating (“You don’t trust me”) because that would mean accepting he’s vulnerable.
Sorry for this, but your marriage has vey slim chances of survival. Why always seek excuses for his behavior, as if he's not responsible for his actions..(?)...in childhood, this and that happened to him, blah blah blah... If you're looking for reasons for his behavior in his childhood, it means he's still living in childhood. Many women have a child instead of a man.
If her list of wants and needs are not met, then she can end this marriage knowing that she did her best to seek a more equitable relationship. I hope there will not be a pregnancy during this stressful time.
Been watching for a while and just came across this. Been living this for just shy of 40 years. It's hurtful and neglectful. Took a long time to get behind this. Still nothing changes.
This was me, exactly 7 years ago. I did everything to make it work, but I could never win. Financial secrecy, will turn into secrecy around health, where he goes, when he comes, who he talks to…. And ultimately another woman. U cannot change them. Just leave without any hate in your heart… and dont ever look back
Girl please just turn around and RUN!! I feel like u r telling me the story of my life!!!! My husband had been/still is cheating on me (12 years) it's not going to get any better!!! Save urself more heartache... end this as soon as u can
She legitimately couldn’t be more in the right here lol asking how to properly communicate is like one of the healthiest traits of successful relationships lol
This guy sounds emotionally stunted. He wont take responsibly & his wife covers for him. I hope they dont have kids. Im glad John called it like it is.
This blows my mind. How do people go to get married and haven’t already talked about stuff like this beforehand? When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, we had to talk about everythingggg. How we want to raise kids, our expectations, our views on gender roles, sex, finances, everything. Saved us from a ton of arguments and even made us feel even more ready to start a life together as PARTNERS. I’d recommend any and everyone to go through the same thing before tying the knot. It would save so much heartache.
Wish I had heard this 30 years ago. I agree with everything he said but there may be more going on. After years of struggling with this and being told it’s me that’s the problem, I started counseling about five years ago. My counselor was sure he’s a narcissist but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it. I started to pray “Lord show me what’s going on here”. Not immediately but within a few months it started to dawn on me that he may have Asperger’s . Everything started to fall into place. Then one day he comes to me and tells me he thinks he may be slightly autistic. YES and thanks be to God for revealing that to me!
In healthy relationships communication is easy. My romantic partner is an extension of me, just as my right hand is a part of my own body, she is also me.
Actually, that's how narcissists and borderliners view their partners. I know what you mean, but technically the words you used would describe a narcissistic relationship.
Lmao that's called codependent enmeshment. A healthy relationship is an interdependent relationship. Both parties are independent beings that choose to be together and seek to find mutually agreeable solutions to meet their needs.
Poor Mary. She was being gaslit/played. I am not sure why Dr John circled back around to work to patch things up, because it does not sound like the husband wants to change at all.
sounds very manipulative, I have a friend who told me she had a boyfriend for 6 years and through this whole time he did not have any money. During this time he spend all of hers. She said whenever she said she wants to talk about the money he made her feel bad that she was stingy and that if he had money he would give it to her without question. In the last two years of the relationship she found out he had been gambling her money away and the whole time he made her feel shame about not being a loving partner because then she would not question him.
He is trying to control HER. He is NOT worried about her controlling him. He is using HER money to treat the other woman. She needs to just leave his carcass in the road.
This is nasty, abusive behavior. The really sad thing is it's chipping away at her self-esteem bit by bit. She's confused and insecure, and he doesnt care. He's on a power trip, disgusting. She doesn't see it, she keeps defending him.
People are so desperate to be married and tick that box, they refuse to walk away when red flags show up during dating. They think the person will change with a ring.
and they usually do....for the worst!
Ooh boy, ain't that the true...you can't fix people. They have to be willing to do the work themselves. I learned that the hard way.
Yep. Been going on for a while.
Those types of marriages are like ticking time bombs.
Most people don't fully understand the work they need to do.
You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person - because they will always ask you to explain any confusion. Real, honest communication is a beautiful thing, not scary.
What a great comment. I like that.
I heard it from Dr. Les Carter@@ShelleyJane
Exactly. Well said.
Yes.
It’s so true. Took me way too long to realize it
Gaslighting 101. I lived through 14 years of wondering what I could say without sounding "stupid". Twenty years after our separation I still have remnants of the feeling.
I'm so sorry 🙏🏿 ❤️
She married the wrong person and needs to get out of that mess. Married only 2 years and she is miserable. It's not worth it.
Poor thing is twisting herself into a pretzel to make the marriage work, while her husband is happy to watch her do it, even encourages it. He is NOT a great partner. If his actions don't change, I hope she moves on to find a healthier relationship.
Sometimes, people who lead really sheltered lives are the ones who are the easiest to gaslight.
Learning to be assertive is really hard, but that is what she has to do.
@BCTMB Vulnerable😊
Yeah. And sometimes people who've been extra not sheltered tend to also be easy to gaslight because they've become so accustomed to it.
And sometimes people who are very capable and self reliant can be easily gaslit because they've always been strong enough before why shouldn't they be able to be it all, fix it all? They become distracted by maintaining their track record...
It is the husband. No stable, mature, responsible, loving husband would ever tell a spouse, "I'm not going to tell you how to communicate with me because that would be weird." ... not if his relationship with his wife has any value to him.
The husband has locked himself in a box and is not going to even allow his wife in. I suspect he may be criticizing and blaming his wife during his one-on-one counseling sessions.
I hope this woman is listening very well and follows the advice. From her tone, I'm not sure she is willing to believe she cannot fix him.
Exactly!
Agree
At least they don't have any kids, so far. That does make leaving a lot easier. Feeling alone two years into the marriage would be a deal breaker to me. Find a partner.
This guy is gaslighting and projecting-she needs to RUN
If her husband isn't willing to at the very minimum say how shes offending him then thats on him.She showed empathy and care to ask him and he cant even answer.
This sounds like he wants control his wife by putting her down and keeping her insecure . This is immature and and cruel.
I'm under the impression he's not just immature I'm under the impression he is emotionally abusive/manipulative John got it right in the first sentence "You've been gaslit" but then backtracked on it and suggested couples counselling Let me tell you one thing Couples counselling in abusive relationships just never works She sounds like a "fixer" Except, she can't change him Only he can change HIM
Yeah, I noticed that too. Its because she said she wasnt going to leave. He wants to best advise them for the situation they want to be in, not the one he hopes for them. While hes not afraid to tell someone to leave a marriage when its life or death, hes not an advocate for divorce, especially when he'd basically be making the decision FOR them. When they want to stay you cant tell them anything, shes too deep in the gaslight. She has to bump her head a few times before she gets it.
She's not willing already to admit that this isn't going to work. Major denial.
Whatever someone accuses you of things youre not doing, they are doing to you.
That’s not always true. Most of the time it’s either because the person they’re accusing of, has done bad things before and it’s hard to believe them when they “change” as if they’re not going to fall back to old habits they did the accuser wrong. Or.. or… since the world has had many many partners, there’s always trauma for that individual whose been cheated on. So of course they will accuse the next person they’re with because of the trauma. Because of the same things the ex did that ended up with them cheating. It’s trauma. It’s fear of being hurt again
💯 especially when you are dealing with a narcissist!
@@nellieponks 100%
@@Lynn01816doesn’t matter. An explanation is NOT the same as a valid excuse.
@@macairhead5137this! Thank you for voicing this!
Pretty borderline type thing when ppl are like, "if you dont know, im not telling you!" They think if you REALLY loved them you could read minds. 🤦♀️
Or they think whatever is the issue is obvious, that it's self-evident or self-explanatory and the other person's playing games.
But this guy is just refusing to tell her anything as a means of controlling her.
Could you please elaborate on your comment? I am dating someone that gets offended by some stuff that I say, but not telling me what offended him, he just suddently gets quiet and treats me coldly. To not make him a complete villain, I am from eastern Europe and we tend to be pretty offensive in comparison to the westernes.
The silent treatment may be a way to punish you. Tread lightly!
He's punishing you by giving you the silent treatment. A mature person would tell you what the problem is calmly. You don't have to accept that behaviour. There are better men out there.
T RUTH!!!!
Ugh the mother-son vibe is strong on this one. WHY MARRY A PROJECT?
money probably
Good point
Because women have been fed the line of "building" with broke(n) men for a few decades now.
@@JustMeetLK What money? Havent you been listening? She knows nothing about the money! Youre projecting.
@@thelifeofmaryd.2494definitely. That’s what every guy who can’t get laid or got cheated on puts on all women. It’s the most basic bro response of all time. Sure some people are all about the money but not everyone of them.
This man’s behavior is explained in detail in Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men”
Great book!!!!
Also, Dr. Susan Forward’s GREAT book, Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them!
@@ebriggs3498 I think I may have read that one, but so very long ago. I did read Lundy's book, he nailed it.
@@ebriggs3498Dr. Forward is FANTASTIC. I read a different book by her years ago to learn some skills for coping with an issue I was having and it helped me tremendously. Very practical author and treatment/solution-focused.
Being single isn't as bad as wanting to runaway from home as a grown adult.
Thats exactly what im thinking. Better single and happy than married and miserable
"You're not going out of your mind. You are slowly and systematically being driven out of your mind. " - Gaslight, The Movie
"RUN, RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN!......"
This was me 30 years ago. I lived 24 years of that and believe me it gets worse. The affair that his first wife had had and all the emotions that this brought up with him that I gave him leeway with turned out to be a damned lie. He had the the affair not her. All his bad behaviour pivoted on this awful thing that had happened to him.
I was falsely accused for years of infidelity whilst to my knowledge he cheated three times. Hoarding money and denying he had it led him to accuse me of the same thing.
Therapy had no effect because he lied to them also. My heart goes out to this lovely lady.
Whenever they accuse you of infidelity (and you are not), that 100% means they are unfaithful in whatever ways (affair, prostitutes, porn etc).
My god. I'm glad you got out of that marriage.
Good heavens, Mary - stop making excuses for him. 🙄 You can't fix him...he has to deal with this.
This is how my husband started too, he became super offensive over everything. We were joking one night with friends about him and some "random woman firefighter" whose picture was uploaded on the Cities FB Pages how look "we caught you with another woman" like all of us joking around. The next day he brought it up saying I was toxic for joking that he was cheating. Three days later I found a calendar with another woman. He had been cheating since I was 8 months pregnant. I found at 6 months PP.
That is absolutely horrible and disgusting and I am so sorry that happened to you!
When I brought my youngest home from the hospital after a C-section, I found hairpins in our bed. I had very short hair and didn't even own hairpins. I waited until I was healed enough from the surgery to go to work and then kicked his ass out. That baby will be 52 this Saturday. Narcissists cannot change nor can they love anyone. I hope you handed hubby his walking papers.
She needs to be real about her feelings and WHEN he devalues her feelings she needs to bear down on it. She has every right to have her emotions, she's a people pleaser like me. She will resent him
when anyone says you don't trust me , it's because they want to do what ever the heck they want. they don't want anyone telling them what to do. kids say you don't trust me. i say no, because you want me to trust you so you can go do whatever you want. same with men, same with women. people don't want to be told what to do. some people think deciding together is still telling them what to do because they don't have full reign on it themselves. hate to say, but most men are like that. they want to be independent and still be married. like you're not even considered when they're making a decision, it's all about what they want.
Can go both ways. My husband wants to decide everything together (and strange enough the “correct” decision was me staying home as much as he wanted me to, regardless of what I was maybe trying to do. I was taking dance lessons, he hated it)
@@KatieLHall-fy1hwLol yes, I love it when everything is to be "discussed," but only so my husband can steamroll me - because the only "correct" decision is the one he makes.
It’s not that he doesn’t trust her, it’s that he doesn’t respect her. He is abusive and she needs to leave. He’s using triangulation with her. She needs to get safe
When I saw this, it felt like déjà vu. I could have been the caller a year or two ago. In the last year or so, I have finally internalized the truth that many times there is no way that I could word a sentence that would not trigger my husband in someway. It’s not about me. I can ask the most innocent question, make the most innocent comment, even say something with all good intentions in my heart, and he can misinterpret it based on his own trauma. That has nothing to do with me. Once I finally internalized that, it was so freeing!
I’m only three minutes into the video, but John so far has been saying everything, exactly right, and I hope that she can listen.
Yeah I feel you. My ex became more and more extreme this way. In the end I mentioned that I think his insecurities cause him to become defensive as a coping mechanism when I want to simply share my feelings, even thou it's not about him at all, he that it would cause him to feel offended while I wouldn't even be attacking me.
He ended up gaslighting and trying to manipulate me by basically chosing to want to have 1 week of jo contact cause he was overwhelmed and when I told him that crossed my bounderies he'd tell me then he'd break up. So I let him.
Now 8 months post break up (without him even wanting to look me in the eyes and talk about the break up as it was OVER TEXT), he reached out to want to share his feelings. Wanted to let me know that "he forgives me" even thou "that I called him insecure which couldnhave been the worst thing a women says to a man just for sharing his feelings". Even while "i never cared to appologise".
After I took the time out of my dax to reply as empathic as I could and make it clear that there was no connection to calling him insecure to him sharing his feelings and that it's rather the opposite - that he didn't share his authentic self enough by being honest, he never replied again. But I'm glad to have pointed out that as much as he never got an appology, I also accepted that I won't ever get one and that it's ok lol
@JustLIkerapunzel It’s THOUGH NOT “thou”😫
This happened to my friend! Easily offended man? he’s cheating financially or sexually or emotionally etc.,
Also, he did the classic cheater easily offended move and accused you of what he was already doing. If he starts pointless arguments to get out of the house…
He can’t attach, because all of his lies will be revealed. It doesn’t get better.
It definitely gets worse. It’s not possible to live through this confusion and betrayal, so you must lose yourself to stay in a marriage like this. One of the most dearest woman in my life is a shell of her vibrant, beautiful, and loving self and I can’t change it and it makes me sad. I pray for healing for all ❤
Also, I no longer trust people who say they had a happy childhood and end up in abusive situations (then happy homes mean nothing) OR people who hyper focus and constantly complain about their childhood and can’t move past it.
@@Morenita570 Often, it is naïveté. They just don’t know what real dysfunction is.
That means you can’t really vet men then, especially if you’re innocent.
It’s set up for a majority of girls to get played.
What's the betting that she'll walk into the therapy session and find out the reason her husband's attitude has improved- is that he's been telling tales to the therapist and blaming his wife for everything
"He wants to work on it." Too often this actually means he wants YOU to magically fix it, and they think they can accomplish this through controlling you more. "Working on it" means therapy, cooperation, and communication to some of us, but something completely different to others.
“He has a lot of shame because of his past, he’s going through therapy” Me 🚪 🏃♂️ Red flags all the way!!! This man will never get out of the rut he’s in if you keep making yourself a door mat for him to wipe his dirt on. Sounds like this guy isn’t invested into this marriage as much as you are. I feel bad for you because you seem like a very genuine woman who wants it to work, but also a very naive woman to think you should be in this relationship the way he is.
“My wife doesn’t have to carry that”. Hell yeah!!
I dated a girl for 2 1/2 months. She started gaslighting me a lot. I believe it was because she had been hurt by men before. I let her know that I understand. But I hope that I could earn her trust and that it hurts me when she does that. I asked her to have a conversation rather than assume my motives are bad.I started to cry as I let her know how I felt. Her response was breaking up with me. Looking back, I think she was a narcissist. I was doing my best to show her a man could be loving. But she always complained about something. That was only after 2 1/2 months! I can only imagine how bad it would be if we got married!
Bullet dodged!
Still making her the problem lol…
@@laurab9687 I'm over it. I wish her the best.
I heard this for years, he is gaslighting you. It’s excruciating and rarely leads to resolution.
It’s not your stuff Mary!
You can’t relate because you are HONEST. Where there is confusion, there is manipulation and gaslighting
💯very well said, Thank you!!
Mary is sweet, naive and innocent she deserves better this man might break her and change her personality. I use to be like that too that person is no longer here! Mary run if he is not willing to be better for you save your goodness and sweet nature because once it’s gone it’s impossible to get that nature back. You come from a good background you can’t save who’s not willing to change he is taking the right step to go to therapy but he has to show up and follow through and respect boundaries.
Don’t marry someone that can’t have adult conversations. I mean isn’t that obvious?
Anything for the D!
Some people are ridiculously optimistic. Realism is the only way to go.
No. Especially when you are high on sex
@@ineedhoez 🤣
When youre sheltered you expect everyone to be the same as what youre used to. So, if theres a communication barrier, it must be on "my" end. If they dont trust me, it must be because they dont know they can trust me; Not them simply choosing to withhold information from "me." They dont see the red flags as "evidence" because they've never experienced gaslighting before. It never even occurred to her that hes probably a liar and is probably using their money for nefarious things. Poor girl, and the worse part is, it will take YEARS for her to get it.
Counselors can not help a Narcissist
This! She's getting a chance, right now, before she gets trapped with kids, to RUN!!!!!
I totally agree with you
Might be BPD. It's hard to tell from this.
@@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu potayto, potahto
The last thing I want is for this lady to be blindsided in therapy the way I was.
I’m legitimately worried about her going to the same counsellor as her husband because I’ve been in that situation where I was incessantly gaslit and blamed for ruining my ex’s life just because I had an illness. When I asked him to get counselling he did, but he spent all of his sessions complaining about me, so when I went to a joint session with them they tag-teamed abusing me. The female therapist told me I needed to wear more makeup for my partner despite the fact I had chronic fatigue and could barely maintain my job.
I ended up on antidepressants, suicidal and only started to recover once I left the relationship.
Especially if it is Christian counseling which tends to hyper focus on the women being at fault.
Same thing happened to me and then I stayed in a toxic relationship for 10 more years.
Same. We did get something out of couple's counseling (and it meant something that he would agree to go) but I had Betrayal Trauma from gaslighting therapist who yelled "Do you call your mom an abuser? Do you think your husband is an abuser?" I felt mentally isolated & trapped because she wanted me to stop talking to anyone else but her and my gaslighting, manuplulative husband and stop learning about difficult, toxic, manuplulations, projection, black & white thinking, etc. She wouldn't answer or explain the things that were happening to me. I was out.
@@sueblack5794 strangely it was secular counselling in a woke organisation. I was gobsmacked by the attitude from a supposed feminist.
@@BodyLanguageAnalysisInterrogat that's a frightening situation, when someone abuses their power and position to that extent.
Oh my. This one tells my story. 😢 I'm working with a counselor, but he has said he won't go.
Thank you for sharing this , because it gives me direction, even though it's an unknown path.
...ive lived that life in the past...its never ever,ever going to change unfortunately (in my opinion)...I wish her luck.. another great video,thanks🇦🇺❤️
Been there, done that. Run honey, run! He's a narcissist and it only gets worse.
....or BPD.
This was so relatable. My husband never wanted to talk about finances and it's because he was hiding how much debt he had.
This sounds so harsh but it’s so true. Love him! Thanks John
Why does every woman who calls this network defend their jerky husbands AFTER hosts offer advice?
Probably because they know the husband will listen to the show eventually and they don’t want to be abused… 😢
Trauma bond 😢
Because it triggers their subconscious fear of being alone. If he is a liar, cheater, and abuser, then they can't be in the relationship. Remember, when you are a codependent, the only relationship need that you have is the need to be in a relationship. The fear of being alone is the most pervasive fear that you have. Having a trash bag of a human is better than having no one.
Your subconscious brain makes 90% of your decisions. This is why people can rationally know what they need to do but cant execute.
"Every woman", hey? Listen to yourself. You clearly have an axe to grind.
Because it really hard to accept the harsh truth. If it is her she might be able to fix it. If it is him the marriage is over. So the life you plant is just a dream. Everything shattered. Thats hard to deal with
Stop, he’s playing her because he knows she loves him. Manipulation indeed, he acts defensive so she’ll leave him alone to do what he wants. She thinks if she makes it her fault she can fix it. Hopefully counseling helps but these conversations should have happened long before vows.
This is a cautionary tale. I think people don't know is that when marry someone with all that past-trauma/baggage, that spills out/comes out on you and your kids. If they haven't dealt with or even if they have, it doesn't stay self-contained and they get traumized in the process of the relationship. I know people love each other so they continue and get married. Then several years in and they are having major issues and asking how can we fix this or fix themselves. I just wonder didn't you see the red flags in the beginning? When you ask, they thought I could fix them or fix it. No you can't. She probably looking at a separation in the near future.
He is using it as an excuse. Having baggage is not the problem. It is the failing to show up as an adult that is a problem.
I really like John because he ALWAYS says the truth. What people say or do to you to hurt you is a choice they make. Gaslighting you is more common in a relationship more then people know. I NEVER knew about this term until recently. The same with manupulation. This is what my soon to be ex husband has done to me for over 38 years. He would hurt me & say horrible things to me and say I was his trigger. He would say that because how he was brought up and what he has been through in his life is why he is the way he is and that he is broken. Well I tried fixing the man that I truly loved addored my whole life and in the end, he still hurt me. Never think you can fix someone because unless they can't fix themselves, you never will. The innocent suffer because of another one's failure. Let them go, I did, and saved myself. Now I'm taking care of me and I am happy again ☺️
Wow. This is the best episode yet. I've looked at older videos of yours, Dr. John, and I really enjoy how you are "fine tuning" your advice. Your really old ones would trigger me. I think because you were talking to people more as a "Christian Therapist". At lease from my past with religious abuse. It really pains my heart to hear these young folk you talk to, a lot, who are more likely there because of purity culture. So many young in those cultures are so desperate to have intimacy, they get married too young with hardly any tools. The guilt and shame for just being a normal human also causes trauma. This is my honest opinion. Thank you. I will add it to my favourites.
I smell a narcissist.
Yikes, definitely need financial rules when you're in a marriage that are agreed on before using something like a credit card. There's no going with the flow, you need to be on the same page with rules. This was really sad to listen to, people need more counselling before getting married to coach them.
My husband just went along with everything I said before marriage and made me believe he has the same views. He would cleverly ask me for my views first, or give me vague non-answers when I asked him stuff. The moment we were married he turned and started to accuse me of not doing things he needed, and even refused to tell me what it was he needed. Such people are extremely manipulative and will do or say anything to get you in the trap before revealing their true selves.
that only works if they stick to the agreement afterwards. :/
“It’s sitting on your nervous system” wow that hit hard 😢
IT’S NOT YOU WOMAN, he’s a Narcissist and speaking to one it’s like speaking to a wall, no matter what the talk is about!
I needed to hear this 40 years ago
Same. I also wish Miley Cyrus could have released 'Flowers" 25 years ago.
A great sign of Doc’s skill is how often he’s able to cause an emotional reaction in the callers
He’s gaslighting you Mary!!!!
While I’m sure there’s another side to her narrative, I have a hard time feeling sorry for her since she knew this about him before she married him. Part of dating (and yes, being engaged is still dating) is to find out if this person is ready to take on the responsibilities that come with being married. A man who refuses to have hard conversations because they make him uncomfortable was not ready to be a husband. They need couples counseling with someone who will call him out on his immaturity and motivate him to step up and be a man.
Yeah that’s how my dad was always walked out on me when I tried to talk to him a lot of people are like that especially men
He has to trust her. Men aren't going to communicate when they feel judged or maybe rejected. She had to prove she's there and loves him. Most of the time it's words of affirmation. We love when you praise us and ultimately love us. She's not speaking his love language.
@wordsalad01 well I wanted examples but John didn't want it. Yes she said she didn't trust him with the finances but never said why. It's communication. If you tell me your emotions behind anything my ears going to open up. I'm easily offended too and when he said I don't feel like I should tell you how to communicate with me...I kinda get it. My ex wasn't on my level of communication, even when I told her. She just wasn't a gentle loving person. She hid her emotions. My current one is very emotions and her expression and words of affirmation flow like water. I don't have to look for signs that she cares, she's there for me....she tells it daily. I'm just saying it's words or even something she's doing that triggers him.
@@wordsalad01
Exactly! 👍🏽
She stayed in a place of hope-she is trauma bonded
Appreciate your work Dr. Deloney
So stressful, I’m so sorry Mary, I wish you well🙏🏼
You got this Mary. When and if you’re ready❤I really feel for you.
I was in a relationship and trained my self to use language with „I feel …“ he still was offended. That when I knew I’m not the problem here. The process of leaving still took some years. He actually did abuse me emotionally and financially it took me some years after I left to realize that.
Sounds like she should've be more observant before saying yes and I do.
he won't tell her what he needs because when she fulfills it, he will have to do the same. people like this will do anything to not be held accountable. beyond their financial stuff, i bet he says "whatever you want" or "i don't know" a lot in order to not be held accountable for the outcome of their shared decisions.
These men know exactly *who* to do this to. They should’ve never made it past the dating stage.
People pleasing doormat pick me girls. It’s like a train crash. Keep listening to these episodes but dang it’s so hard to listen to these women make excuses for the obvious.
Omg, Mary, I'm you...I wish we could talk! Reach out if you need to talk...
"Self-select into suffocation" I'm going to remember that line.
My husband once told me that my not properly worshipping him was like suffocating him. He said if I refused to do it then I wasn't as good and loving as he thought I was, and all the consequences would be my fault.
Why did she marry him if he was like this during the engagement?
Perhaps she felt a need to protect him and help him heal from the events of his past. Unfortunately, he’s holding back from communicating (“You don’t trust me”) because that would mean accepting he’s vulnerable.
Because women are not taught how to properly vet
Sadly kind inexperienced young women believe that once the wedding done she will fix him!
I was screaming whej she started to talk, so glad John interrupted her and set her straight
Tell her what gaslighting means.
Everybody knows
@@lilithowl😂😂😂
Most definitely NOT everyone knows what gas lighting is
@@THEENERGYINHALER that was the joke and perfect demonstration of what gaslighting is tho
There is no confusion, he was like this before they got married.
Sorry for this, but your marriage has vey slim chances of survival. Why always seek excuses for his behavior, as if he's not responsible for his actions..(?)...in childhood, this and that happened to him, blah blah blah... If you're looking for reasons for his behavior in his childhood, it means he's still living in childhood. Many women have a child instead of a man.
If her list of wants and needs are not met, then she can end this marriage knowing that she did her best to seek a more equitable relationship. I hope there will not be a pregnancy during this stressful time.
Been watching for a while and just came across this. Been living this for just shy of 40 years. It's hurtful and neglectful. Took a long time to get behind this. Still nothing changes.
This was me, exactly 7 years ago. I did everything to make it work, but I could never win. Financial secrecy, will turn into secrecy around health, where he goes, when he comes, who he talks to…. And ultimately another woman. U cannot change them. Just leave without any hate in your heart… and dont ever look back
She married the king of gas lighters. I bet he had a boy mom 💯
FR. All these women giving these below minimum crusty men to many opportunities.
I tiptoed, I walked on eggshells, I walked on broken glass. 51 yrs. 5 months. You dont need him.
Girl please just turn around and RUN!! I feel like u r telling me the story of my life!!!! My husband had been/still is cheating on me (12 years) it's not going to get any better!!! Save urself more heartache... end this as soon as u can
so why do you stay? and if you cant divorce....why do you remain faithful when he is not??
She legitimately couldn’t be more in the right here lol
asking how to properly communicate is like one of the healthiest traits of successful relationships lol
It’s all about ‘HIM’ all the time.
This guy sounds emotionally stunted. He wont take responsibly & his wife covers for him. I hope they dont have kids.
Im glad John called it like it is.
This blows my mind. How do people go to get married and haven’t already talked about stuff like this beforehand? When my husband and I were in premarital counseling, we had to talk about everythingggg. How we want to raise kids, our expectations, our views on gender roles, sex, finances, everything. Saved us from a ton of arguments and even made us feel even more ready to start a life together as PARTNERS. I’d recommend any and everyone to go through the same thing before tying the knot. It would save so much heartache.
Wish I had heard this 30 years ago. I agree with everything he said but there may be more going on. After years of struggling with this and being told it’s me that’s the problem, I started counseling about five years ago. My counselor was sure he’s a narcissist but I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it. I started to pray “Lord show me what’s going on here”. Not immediately but within a few months it started to dawn on me that he may have Asperger’s . Everything started to fall into place. Then one day he comes to me and tells me he thinks he may be slightly autistic. YES and thanks be to God for revealing that to me!
That doesn't change anything though. His behavior still needs to meet your needs.
In healthy relationships communication is easy. My romantic partner is an extension of me, just as my right hand is a part of my own body, she is also me.
Actually, that's how narcissists and borderliners view their partners. I know what you mean, but technically the words you used would describe a narcissistic relationship.
Lmao that's called codependent enmeshment.
A healthy relationship is an interdependent relationship. Both parties are independent beings that choose to be together and seek to find mutually agreeable solutions to meet their needs.
I love your show, Dr. John. Great advice, very caring counselor. Going to watch all the episodes. Cheers, Dr. Jon...
Poor Mary. She was being gaslit/played. I am not sure why Dr John circled back around to work to patch things up, because it does not sound like the husband wants to change at all.
I have a hard time listening to this call because I keep asking “why the heck did you call if you have it figured out!?”
He is lying, dishonest and is sneaking around and spending money that is NOT his. I will bet that she works, too.
I was a victim of a major gaslighter. Listen to phone call repeatedly.
He doesn't want to be married. There's no fix.
DUMP THIS GUY BEFORE YOU HAVE CHILDREN. Get Out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!❤
I don't think he's still going to therapy. I think he's lying about that.
sounds very manipulative, I have a friend who told me she had a boyfriend for 6 years and through this whole time he did not have any money. During this time he spend all of hers. She said whenever she said she wants to talk about the money he made her feel bad that she was stingy and that if he had money he would give it to her without question. In the last two years of the relationship she found out he had been gambling her money away and the whole time he made her feel shame about not being a loving partner because then she would not question him.
She needs to divorce. Her husband is immature.
Best advice, hands down john ! ❤
I’d tell her to run if it wasn’t already too late…
The older you get... the worse he will get...
Run... you are young enough to start over
Run lady, ask him for a divorce and run!
Don’t ask, tell. She doesn’t need his permission.
The fact that he's agreed to do couples counseling together with her is already a promising sign.
The difference between a boy and a man..
She was hoping that it was something wrong with her so she could fix herself and save her marriage.
Ohhh the horrendous gaslight dance of a narcissist, run woman run!
He is trying to control HER. He is NOT worried about her controlling him. He is using HER money to treat the other woman. She needs to just leave his carcass in the road.
This type of dynamic is very hard, I've been there, it might be fixable or not
This is nasty, abusive behavior. The really sad thing is it's chipping away at her self-esteem bit by bit. She's confused and insecure, and he doesnt care. He's on a power trip, disgusting. She doesn't see it, she keeps defending him.