@@johniii8147 He problem isn't that he hasn't worked, but that he is not pulling his weight. I am in a similar position, fortunately I haven't procreated with my husband. My husband has no intention of doing anything with his life, we had discussions about our life goals and kids before marriage, and he has sabotaged said goals and plans. Unfortunately I know I am to blame, I was in love and there were things I made excuses for him, he has only bought me one gift in our 6 yrs of being together and it was an orchid that died, I have to beg him for affection, we started out at similar rates in our career and in the time we've been together I have 3x my income (I've job hopped, done several certifications asked for raises and promotions), while he lost his job and took a salary decrease because he has no interest in furthering himself (he literally just coasted at his 9-5 and they let him go because they said he contributed nothing to his employer for 3 yrs and now his new job pays less) How am I supposed to feel secure having children with a man who actively chooses be a waste? When he lost his job, I consoled him and told him I would support him financially to pursue whatever career he wanted. He chose that to mean sit at home and game all day for 3 months and go back into the same field where he is just coasting again at work 😂 How can I respect a man who not only has lied, he sabotages my future and goals, shows no affection or consideration, and is just all around unreliable? If he doted and loved on me, I could have let all his other offenses slide because all I really want is to feel loved by the person I love, but after 6 yrs of this, my love has turned to bitterness and it's turning into hate, and it scares me.
@@HandleUnclear so basically you are so insecure, you accepted his BS behavior even though none of your peers were ever treated this way. Then ontop of that you are currently allowing him to continue to be lazy. You need a divorce then significant therapy. Otherwise you will pick another similar man. Get out before there are kids involved. Whatever alimony you might owe will be worth paying. Just get out you goof
I was a traditional stay at home wife. My husband told me to go back to work yrs later bc we needed 2 incomes. Easy. Done! How anyone sits back especially when the kids are grown up and watch another person slave away at work and not help, beats me.
Your husband shouldn't be telling you to do anything. It should be a joint decision. Perhaps it was, but the way you phrased it makes it sound more like a parent-child relationship than a partnership of equals.
I wholeheartedly agree with your last sentence. My sister married a man 30 years ago who quit his job as soon as they married and hasn't worked since. They have no children to take care of. I have no idea how he can sit home and watch her stress herself out to financially support them both. She should have divorced him long ago.
Women weren’t designed to support men (financially/ emotionally otherwise) It’s going against her nature which is why this is happening. A man could support a woman for years, most women just cannot. Divorce or an affair is fast approaching.
@@tracygaluszynski1868where did you get your statistics from? From personal experience? I doubt you were once married to every single woman on this planet. This red pill sh*t is getting our of hand.
This was genuinely painful to listen to, and I sympathize with both parties. There's a lot of frustration and anger simmering in her, and I'm not sure she's fully aware of it
I agree. She made an unwise deal with him to move to a bigger home and switch the work dynamic and he is now enjoying not working. She literally cannot stand him but feels bound by Christian tenets - and maybe the possibility of having to provide spousal support, should they split. Not working has not brought out his best. He himself has lost his self respect. His power over her is his weight gain, probably a lack of grooming, and keeping the house in a sloppy condition. They are in a power struggle that it would be really hard to come back from. There is no love lost between these two…
He’s a dad but he’s fully checked out of being a PARTNER. He’s complacent in his own life, with himself, and with his relationships. I’d say it’s unfair to expect a partner who’s been out of the workforce and taking care of kids to suddenly jump back into it with no issue. This is not that. He’s not invested in anything, least of all his own happiness, wellbeing, or the wellbeing of his family. - just a psychologist
When a spouse has been "home with the kids" and then the kids grow up, many times the "at home" spouse finds it truly scary (paralyzing) to get back out there and find a career. This woman's husband's refusal to go back to work after all these years is a common problem for many spouses (who are usually women). That potential reality needs to addressed and examined before this problem can be resolved.
My father in law wants to retire, but my mother in law tells him he can't, because he has to work and bring home money. She has never worked. Her son, my husband, has been out of the house since he was 18... his almost 40 now. I feel bad for my father in law. He really wishes his wife would work so they can save faster.
This is a prime example of someone who wants someone to hear her problems but doesn’t want a solution. I truly think she has a equal part to play in this scenario
I was married to a man that honestly thought I should provide for him, take care of the house, have the children. His job apparently was ..... nothing! It is really hard to love someone and learn to hate them at the same time. One day it all ended......I had had enough. I discovered I was lonely, exhausted and didn't know how to verbally express it. I just left with the kids. I had reached my limit, my red line, my boundaries. I hear she isn't ready yet to draw that red line. Every day brings a new challenge. She is the bread winner and producer. Pretty soon he will be sitting on the couch by himself wondering what happened and why did she leave.
Her husband wants to be the king of the castle while she does all the work... But he's not acting like a king, more like a clown. No wonder she's frustrated and sad
@@GeoffreyLaureatethey probably don't fit in that house anymore. Also, I think that stay at home parents should be at home until the youngest is done with 3rd grade, let's say. After that, children are very independent and there is no reason not to at least have a part time job or at least a one day job. That's the most beneficial for the kids.
lol two people can do whatever it is they want if they're both mature and involved in the relationship. These two sound like two teenagers who accidentally got married and don't even like each other.
The longer the resentment lingers in a person, the harder it is to reverse. They have been doing this for a long time. Once the respect is gone, it is just as difficult as trust to rebuild. I’d also like to hear her husbands side of the story.
gender equality is a myth... we're equelly important but different. A man staying home while his wife works will always be looked down upon compared to the reverse... same as how women who sleep around are seen in a bad light but men who do it are 'playas.' @@vsand9798
Truth. I have held resentment for about a year and a few months in my relationship lost total respect etc since becoming pregnant and now I'm the main breadwinner, carer of our child etc and yet he thinks i should give him respect, when he can't come home most nights or gets home at 1-3 am. Doesn't work other than odd jobs. When john said do you even like him to this woman, that was almost like a punch to the gut. Because it feels like I dont. But i want us to recreate a good future. But that involves both of us and i can't see this changing at this point. I don't want to be cruel anymore though. Trying to navigate the anger and the frustration and resentment though along with post partum depression really makes this hard.
She wanted a two sentence solution where she could go to the husband and tear him a new one. She sounded so frustrated that she couldn't just magically change him.
@@LifeBetweenTheDashit sounds like he won’t even look after the home or himself. Kids are at school what does he do with his days? It’s probably the sitting around doing next to nothing (except getting fat and diabetic) that’s really angering her.
She is done. She has to hit rock bottom first to make a change. She needs to be different to affect change. She can let go and let God. This is not something she can do humanly.
I think the problem is the resentment that she has for him. I believe resentment is classified as one of " the four horsemen" of divorce. She resents her partner so I feel that 8f she can determine the cause of that resentment it would be beneficial to both parties.
@@v.m.4453 , I think you hit the nail on the head. I think she wanted the bigger house and made the compromise, by willing to go back to work full time. but I think she resents having done that. She probably wanted to be the one to stay home with the kids. She resents having to pay for his medical bills.
he earned it he raised the kids. If my wife stayed at home and took care of the kids and they dont do any of those things he said in the video then she can stay at home all she wants .
@@muradshawar Even if all she did was pick up the kids, do grocery shopping and cook? You wouldn't mind coming home to your house being dirty and your out-of-shape wife playing videogames while you'd been working hard?
@@muradshawar yeah but when women stay at home they are expected to cook and clean the house and he ain’t doing that. Just because he is helping to raise the kids doesn’t mean he gets to just kick back especially since they are older. He’s just complacent.
I can understand her frustration, but as a stay at home parent myself, if as our kids leave the nest, my husband turned to me and said I was lazy and fat that would be the most devastating thing to hear after caring for our kids and house all these years. Now I take care of myself physically and health wise, but never in my life has it helped me to loose weight by being told I was fat. John is right, she has to leave or make peace with her life. I would however ditch the nonsense about him getting the final say in the marriage because he is the man. No to that, if he wants to pull that he has to love her as Christ loved the Church and that means laying his life down for her. In this situation that would mean loving her enough to listen to her concerns and frustrations.
There is difference when he has developed type 2 diabeties. He is litterally killing himself. He is killing himself and doing nothing. And then he complaines that he is the man and he is in charge and you can't buy what you want. This a totally different situation.
“Wives, be submissive to your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head and Savior of the church, which is His body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
It’s fine for either parent to stay home when the kids are small; this is hard work. It’s not fair to not work when the kids are grown and one person is still working. He needs to do something.
True. She said their kids are great and don't drink, drugs or date. The kids might not have turned out so well without a parent at home. So, I think he did his job. But if his wife is stressing about money then it's time for him to get a job. But, I wonder if he actually got a job if that would magically solve their problems, or if there's actually something else that is bothering her.
I don’t think the real issue is him having a job as much as she is aggravated that he refuses to do anything productive whatsoever. I imagine that if he was taking care of himself and being productive in other ways that she may be ok with that. But insisting to stay home and eat all day is another thing. But at the same time it seems like she may be hard to please even if he was doing a lot of good things but I don’t truly know that but it wouldn’t be too surprising if that was revealed.
This was such a great insight to my own marriage. We never had this well needed frank conversation, and the variables were slightly different. But this video really hits home, and I thank you for that. We divorced, but it could have been so much better if we could have just shared our “pictures.”
We are going through a divorce rn. And I was a stay at home mom for their first 5 years, then I worked part time. And my husband asked when I was going back to work full time (once our youngest was in kindergarten), I then went full time at my job. I knew my load would get bigger, I knew I was still going to have my "stay at home" duties i.e clean the house, raise the kids, cook, do all the volunteer school hours, while also working. The thing is he resents me for staying home with the kids and building those relationships with the kids. Now he wants 50/50 without changing his police officer schedule. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't think he knows what he wants.
@@berlizgonzalez6736Some people want what they want without realising THEY have to make changes in order to make it happen, IE They are stubborn, immature, a bit selfish, and totally self centred.
I was with her half way through the conversation until she went side ways. I’m not sure why she called on the show when she seems to know the answers to everything. I can tell she is very very controlling. I now feel bad for the husband. Good luck lady.
Also when she described what he does (makes dinner, does the grocery shopping) you can tell she herself probably thought “well he does a lot of things” 🤔
@@CRobinsonpk she was cheating as far back as him working part-time, and definitely by the time he stopped working. It was her idea for him to quit work but soon as did, she began emasculating him. Once the husband learned she was cheating, instead of leaving, he simply checked out and let himself go completely.
She said also he is obese and expensive, u know diabetes. That means he is playing video games most of the times since kids are grown @@keenansteverson5100
Men come home to stay at home Moms and homemakers that take the kids to school, do all the grocery shopping, clean the house and make dinner all the time. Like how can you make this decision together and lose all respect for him for keeping his side of the bargain.
Her concern is for herself, for being right, and her goal is to receive favorable feedback for herself to validate her atrocious behavior and attitude.
I have a wildly different scenario… my husband has explosive emotions like a three year old and the attitude of an angsty teenager… but this episode literally saved me from divorce. I was looking up divorce lawyers 5 minutes before I heard this episode.
It’s always seemed so wild to me that people organize their finances like this. Just seems so disjointed and difficult. My wife and I have one chequing account that all the bills come out of and then our day to day spending is on credit card that we pay each month. It always seemed easier to have everything come out of one big pot. To each their own though, seems more and more people are seperating things.
@@warrenbuffet6126It’s an indication that unfortunately marriage oneness is being forgotten. And I’m saying that as someone whose husband abandoned us after 35 yrs! But that was his refusal to deal with his mental/emotional issues and b/c we always had one set of accounts, I had managed the money and knew what we had so I wasn’t left penniless.
This is a tough one. I don't think this woman is crazy for resenting her husband in not doing anything about his health. My father was diagnosed with type II diabetes and he completed changed his diet and exercise habits without asking my mother to change anything. At the same time, I get the sense that she always has to be right. Anytime she would ask John what to do, she would just start talking over him. I think both her and and her husband have legitimate grievances about the other. I hope they can work through them.
I don't think she has any legitimate grievances about him instead I think he's a longsuffering husband who is there until the children no longer need him to protect them from their mother and then I suspect he will divorce her. Like he probably wanted to do when he agreed to getting a bigger house on condition that he would stay home and take care of their children since he didn't want to leave them to grow up with a bad mother. She boasts about how good her children are and how they don't do anything, yet she doesn't even realize that this is because he is their father. If they only had their workaholic mother who was focused on her consumerism, they might have nice houses and nice things, but they would have had a bad childhood with a terrible mother and wouldn't have had their father in their life. He is doing great pushing through their children's childhood, and he wouldn't be blameworthy if he left her the same day the last child is out of their home.
@@jakehansen5719 😆, he'll never leave her. He's literally fat and happy with her. He's got her doing the hard work of being the "man" in the relationship, while the almost-adult kids are at school all day. He, like most married men have learned to tune out her constant nagging by drinking a few beers at night, and saying "yes Dear, whatever you want" before going back to watch whatever sports game is currently on.
@@jakehansen5719 You just made up a whole drama story in your head lmao. They both worked part time to get a new house. Then she said 'I told him that after the deal, Ill work full time while you can be a stay at home dad again'. Based on that its easy to assume that the man is not someone who's able to get a stable job to provide for the family where the woman could be a stay at home mom. I think she didn't mentioned that directly in this call for reasons. This relationship dynamic worked for them because she is a woman who can work full time to provide for the family while the man preferred to be a stay at home dad. So why are you villianizing her by making up a story of her being a workaholic, horrible materialic mom when this dynamic was suitable for their relationship and the family? She seems like a wise wife if anything. I can only imagine someone with a mysogynistic view to make a judgement like your comment.
You nailed it. she always has to be right. She is causing everything. He is only a thing to be used, and he no longer is willing. But, men are not allowed to challenge women. This baloney guy never points at women.
Absolutely love the counsel; because it applies to any and all marital problems wherein one wants the change to come from the other side when in fact it must come from within. The alternative is to leave the marriage, which may not be an option for some. Thank you Delony!
I went back and forth on this one so many times lol. I was like ok he is whack, ok now she is whack, ok now everyone is whack haha. I hope they are able to work it out. Taking these lessons with me to my future marriage. This almost sounds like they shouldn't have gotten married and on top of that the understanding of Christian marriage here is so doinked. Its not about power or control or telling 'him/her what to do' but about service, sacrifice and honoring your spouse.
@@rayn1ful she sounds so uptight and overly concerned with optics she's practically fighting John in this phone call. Her husband may be a bum im not sure but she cannot be pleasant to live with.
@@rayn1ful She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions. She resents the man she married.....and their kids are going to be weapons in the stupidity.
Why doesn't she just say, Agreement over. I've left my job, Now what ,,? They'd likely lose everything . But she can't continue like this. She,LL be dead before he is !
@@genxx2724 He understood this and probably knew he when he agreed to her getting a bigger house if she worked full time. He knew someone would need to stay at home with the children and be there for them and he was willing to do that instead of simply divorcing their bad mother. He's been there for them throughout their lives and has put up wit her out of love for his children. I don't know what he might have done if they hadn't had children but I suspect that if she came to him demanding a bigger house at the time he would have showed her the door and would have cut his losses. But you can't really cut your losses when you have children. They needed a good parent, and he was that to them and they have turned out well notwithstanding having a bad mother because they had a good father.
For the same reason so many men don't leave, the exit deal would destroy her as the provider. She is a financial slave at this point and divorce wont change that.
Mike smith Right. They weren’t on the same page with buying a bigger house, now she needs help paying for the lifestyle and he won’t “do his part”. He’s happy where he’s at and they are on two completely different pages
They had a paid off house and she decided to go bigger. Now it’s his fault for not contributing. Clearly this lady feels like she’s better than her husband. She’s upgraded the house, job, fitness and now she’s looking do dip out on her husband. Listening to her, you can clearly tell she no longer needs him. What she fail to realize is that she would have to sell that new house and split the money with this guy. Now that’s going to hurt a lot.
"What she fail to realize is that she would have to sell that new house and split the money with this guy. Now that’s going to hurt a lot." I hope he goes for everything he can get once he files for divorce after their children leave the home. He deserves it after putting up with her for so long to protect their children from her.
*If her husband is half of what she’s accusing… this guy is a bum. She doesn’t need to feel better than him, she is better than him. You’re right, she doesn’t need him. If this guy was a family member, a brother of mine we’d roast tf for being bum, fat and lazy while his wife is out working. She’ll be aight, she should let his sorry ass just get obese, let his health deteriorate and slowly die away on the couch.*
She's disgusted by her husband, but fears divorce will bring her family shame. It's driving her crazy that he won't step up. A person coming home from work, walking into their home to find their fat and lazy spouse is not going to work out. She should leave and she is not happy and he won't meet her halfway. She'll for sure have to pay alimony though. 😬
Yes, she sounds like she is remaining “married” for status and image. That’s why I don’t feel bad when people pity me for being single. There’s many unhappy married people out there.
I’ll say this, I have said it a million times. Us as men…. We need to be working! We need to be doing something to cause us to have our own self respect, and purpose for ourselves. Guys, if your lady ever approaches you and says: “I want you to quit your job and stay home.” You tell her “No! I’m a provider. We will pay for daycare.” We are the hunters! Don’t emasculate yourselves, because your lady WILL lose her attraction and respect for you. This story is live proof.
This is just the usual lazy, dumb, bullshit generalisations. Men will do as they please regarding such issues. If a man's purpose is being a stay-at-home dad, then that is sufficient enough for him, that is his source of self-respect and purpose for himself. 'We are the hunters'. Cringe. Some guys just aren't that way inclined. It's not neccessarily emasculating to be a good father, or a stay-at-home dad. Neither will it neccessarily lead to the man in question's partner, losing her attraction for him etc. Sometimes it just works in those kinda relationships.
@@SOak145 “Lazy, dumb, bullshit, generalizations” Really? You, the great Kreskin, feel free to enlighten me as to why every male who I knew in these kind of relationships ended up as a drug addict, a cheater, and an abuser, I’ll wait. Or, the more obvious question…. Are you yourself, the one exception out of 1,000?
Thank you for speaking the truth. You are right. But marry her before being intimate with her and she WILL respect you later. It will be deep in her heart ❤ how you treat her before even if she is weak. Choose a woman who has the same values.
I'm sure there are men who feel the same as well. When a spouse wants a high value item and only one income comes in, a balanced approach is needed. She resents her husband for playing a role that should be an option for her. He takes care of the home, cooking, cleaning, getting kids ready, etc. How is he not contributing? That's what a house mom does
The kids are grown and don't need him. He has become overweight and sick for not taking care of himself. Obesity is a sickness just like alcohol. Type 2 Diabetes is completely reversible with lifestyle changes. The wife is working extra just to take care of his medical needs while he is not willing to help himself. Yes she has lost respect for him because he has become a burden and not a partner.
I think that two of the main issues is that whatever grocery shopping and cooking being done is obviously not keeping husband from developing Type II diabetes which is an extra $6000 that she has to cover. Second issue is that husband is "messy" meaning that cleaning is also not up to par. Husband could potentially be binge-eating and/or hoarding to cope with psychological/mental stress possibly related to being a full-time parent. He needs help but he has to decide to want and accept help first.
Also the kids are mostly grown. Women who are stay at home moms, but no longer have children in the house are just as guilty. I’m not saying they have to get a full time job, but this woman is only asking for 30 hours a week. That is a part time job.
The reality she created feels different than she expected. She is too traditional to accept it. I suspect that if she had stayed at home and had health problems, she would expect him to respect her
Dont forget that all the years he has spent at home not earning a wage are years he has contributed ZERO to his social security future. Why is that ok with him? Whether he is old and single or if he stays married the future is going to be ROUGH living on a fixed income that will be close to poverty level. Is he aware of inflation? Does he know medical bills happen? Does he expect her to carry the entire load? Shes his safety net? Wheres hers?
I love how John makes the distinction between giving up and making peace. It's all about the attitude. I hope her husband can see how his actions (or lack thereof) hurt her and get off his duff. But until then, she really is the only thing she can change.
The husband is the housewife in this relationship. How many times do we hear of husbands telling the stay at home wife to lose weight and do more and work out, etc. This is the same thing with the roles reversed. Women typically have a hard time respecting a man who won’t work and won’t protect and won’t provide. It doesn’t matter how much a man earns as long as he contributes income to the household. Honestly he is probably upset that she isn’t having sex with him. He is not in charge because he told her to be the provider. He is stuck in the role that he requested to be in… but he wants to be in charge. They are both stuck in roles that they don’t want. Can’t be in charge of the money if you aren’t bringing any into the house. She is gonna ‘find her joy’ with another man if they don’t work together to resolve the situation.
Always things going wrong when you go against scripture, The Bible said a lot about this roles, sometimes if we are confused how to lead our life we should listen God's word, it will prevent you so many crisis!!!🙏🙏🙏
@@addiskassa5165 I agree but society today (in general) is so far from biblical guidelines that they aren’t paying attention. Everybody doing what’s best for them in that one moment.
The man in this case seems pretty content with his role, other than the loss of respect and lack of sexual attraction that comes with it. But how does that differ from housewives in similar situations?
I remember when me and my sisters were almost grown up and my Christian dad made our stay at home mom get an entry level job, so she could get off her butt and finally contribute to our family. Oh wait that never happened because that would be needlessly cruel and stupid.
@@deepthinking8633 same here. I was doing my own laundry by the time I was 9 or 10 and our mom taught us how to make meals so that dinner would be ready when she got home from work. Those boys could contribute and they could also help clean the house.
She probably does the shopping and cooking. Sounds like this guys is a lazy bum. My sister was married to a man like this: refused to work and refused to take care of himself. We were all so happy when she divorced him. Now she is married to a man with a great job who treats her so well.
She never should have made that deal. If they have strong beliefs in gender roles within their marriage and family, he should always work unless he is physically unable. The choice they made all those years ago didn't take into account how they feel about gender roles. He wants respect and headship but hasn't earned it. She desires to respect him and support him, but she is the bread winner, and he doesn't do anything that requires supporting. Can't have it both ways. I hope they work it out.
He has done more than enough to earn respect because he was the good parent to their children that she wasn't. Without him their children would have had to grow up with a terrible mother who was a workaholic with a consumerist mentality. Hopefully in the years he has had with them he has taught them how not to turn out like their mother. Maybe after they all leave the home and no longer need their father to protect them from their mother he will divorce her, and she can get herself an even bigger house and second job because the current home is too small for her and suffocates her too. There's no doubt that she wants him to work even though their children still need a parent to be there for them because she has more plans to upgrade and if he does this now, he may be in long term trouble and the divorce won't be as easy. If he has talked to an attorney already, they may have advised him not to get another job until after he divorces her.
@@KManwarren You made a lot of assumptions: 1. He wants respect and headship but hasn't earned it 2. She desires to respect him and support him 3. He doesn't do anything that requires supporting 4. They have strong beliefs in gender roles with their marriage and family 5. He should always work unless he is physically unable 6. She should never have made that deal You don't like it when other people see the truth behind what happens in situations like this. Based on what she has said, it's pretty clear that he's holding her to their deal, didn't want to get a bigger house and is focused on the children still needing him until they are no longer in the home. At that point, it's safe to assume that since he has been staying home for them that he is going to leave and divorce her crazy ass once they no longer need him. Because at that point there is no deal to be made with her and he should never have made that deal but instead should have divorced her and gotten custody of his children then but he put his children's interests before his and stayed with a crazy woman. I can only imagine him being married to someone like her or someone being married to someone like you. I feel bad for him and I feel bad for anyone you may be married to unless they are are assholes too. Then you would be made for each other.
What seems to have happened. they have swapped rows in a traditional marriage. And if that husband was a women. That will be a great wife. Food ready kids ready grocery picked up. And she’s happy. Sounds like a great wife to me. Lol. Or in this instance a great husband lol.
@@GardenerEarthGuy He has to be if he has to put up with the caller. Any alpha male would have dropped her in a second and don't have time to put up with her crap. Being an alpha woman does not do women any favors and not tapping into their feminine side.
@@nicolab2075 She can change her feelings with the wind for all I care. I'm commenting on if the husband is being unreasonable in HIS actions. They both agreed on how they would run the family and she is now trying to change that deal. The burden is not on him when he is the one who is following the agreement. If she has second thoughts about the deal then so be it, but he is not "immature" for doing exactly what he agreed to. She is the immature one in that scenario for demanding the deal she claimed to be fair needs to change. Does that mean the dad can't work with her, be the bigger person, and find new common ground? Of course not. If he at all wants the marriage to last it's very much something he should do. But if he doesn't want to and that's the cause for a divorce, the blame IS NOT on him for why things didn't work out.
@@LegDayLas You're talking as though they had a contract. But this is a marriage. If you love a person you want them to be happy. Any verbal arrangement is surely open to adjustment after several years? I think to call her immature in this situation is strange, she is not happy with the arrangement and is saying so, why shouldn't she? Why talk about blame here? Isn't it about being flexible? If she's unhappy the solution is not to quote an agreement they made years ago, is it?
Is this was the other way around, where the wife was stay at home so that the husband can work full time and buy a big ass house that the wife did not want. Then later complaining that life is getting expensive and their wife is fat, their wife is lazy. Doesn’t want to go back to work because their husband initially said she can stay at home, NOBODY would support him.
He doesn’t respect himself either - hence the obesity , messiness, and not caring about his health. It’s hard to respect a person that has given up in themselves. He needs to find a job that inspires him. Those kids are too old now to be a full-time job. He’s bored.
My advice is to wait for the two kids to leave the nest in two years. Then learn to do things together again. It might be picnic or vacation to Las Vegas. Get with MFCC counselor for help. Give it six months to either change for the both of you to MFCC suggested criteria. It should work out. But anybody in their situation should not kill the deal. Work it out if possible. Too many years to toss.
15:36 because she cant afford the house she wants on her own. thats why she can't leave. she wants a life he doesn't want, the problem she is facing is that she wants a life that needs to be subsidized by his pre-relationship equity. if unreliable narrator manifesting itself as a person it would be this caller.
I agree. She’s afraid of the failure and time investment. She’s got to come to terms that she has already created an environment where there is no relationship, and they are both inflexible.
Every time John gave good, solid advice she came back with a rebuttal or a response showing she obviously didnt hear him. If shes like that with her husband i think the husband made the decision, a long time ago, to make peace with his life. The very advice John is now giving her
Exactly this was my first thought. A husband that decided that the wife must stay at home and raise the kids and after some years, he calls her lazy. Totally disgusting
Hey lady you are worth having your own life for real....🎉 You deserve to see yourself as a beautiful wonderful woman ♀️👠♀️ You're not a sacrifice 😢 you deserve a full wonderful life.
Husbands do say that. The neighborhood I grew up in was full of stay at home moms. Those women were always in the gym and had dinner ready. I have met women who didn't care. Most of their husbands had side chicks lol
She keeps saying “he’s happy” or “he likes things as is” - not true. He’s miserable. He’s disrespected and demeaned every day, so he’s given up. If she turned the tables and respected him, he’d step up.
Hmmm such an interesting quandary🤔 right? I find it hard to image having nothing you could respect him for. But I also find it hard to imagine living with someone who is “killing themselves” as John put it, I had a relationship like that in the past and she ended up cheating extensively I broke up with her because she said she would move to the ocean with me and then backed out and that was just the straw that broke the camel. I have compassion for both sides I think it’s very unfortunate she married him I doubt she didn’t know what she was in for but then again maybe she didn’t.
I'm on the dad's side here. They had a paid off house. They contributed equally and had no debt. She wanted a bigger house and was probably the reason why they decided to have a 3rd child and this was her idea to begin with. Now all of a sudden she's bitter that he's get to enjoy the benefits of staying at home for a couple of years after raise the kids full time? It comes down to the fact she wanted the bigger house. I'm not saying he doesn't have to work ever again but he's earned a few years to relax and improve his skill set to prepare for the workforce. If this was a woman nobody would be batting an eye.
@@britneyog9537 In many households, the person at home often handles budgeting and bills. Her idea of him controlling finances may be him telling her they don’t have a lot of wiggle room for extras depending on if they pay college tuition (or help) for their two other kids. And San Luis Obispo ain’t cheap. I hate to see the mortgage. My husband checks with me for all major purchases because he doesn’t have a clue about our finances despite my best efforts to include him. So she may be spinning it one way.
How do you justify the simple fact that he let himself go physically, is overweight, unhealthy, and has diabetes? Sounds like those "few years" that he was at home had to be well over 10 years now that the children are close to graduating high school. I would really like to know what he was doing with the tremendous amount of spare time that he had being a "stay at home dad"?? According to his wife he never kept the house clean and could not even be bothered to use all those years of free time to keep up with his health. How is any of that fair to his wife who goes out and works every day to provide for him and their kids and he can't even do the bare minimum? I can completely understand why this woman would be resentful. Anyone would be whether you are male or female in that situation. Another thing, so what if she wanted a bigger house when he's clearly also enjoying the benefit of it as well?? If I were her I would get a divorce even if that means selling half of the home value. It would force that guy to get off his arse and work instead of using his wife as a meal ticket while he stays at home and kills himself slowly over video games and watching T.V. Any man who would do that is not truly in love with their partner..
John seems utterly at his rope’s end with her. I would have told her-get counseling because you’re a hot mess of contradictions. I think, in the end, she just wants a hotter spouse who makes money she can control. She doesn’t seem much deeper than that.
I don't think John said anything useful here tbh. Yes she should own it but what divorce him? He didn't give any useful advice on how to resolve the issue.
@@toluani7690 But I also think she kept contradicting herself in the laundry list of complaints. What she wants is not going to happen but she wanted John to give her an answer that would make her husband lose weight and get back his salaried job. Unrealistic. I definitely think he threw in the towel in the end. she’s a radio therapist’s nightmare call.
@@toluani7690 yeas he did. This man will never change. It's been 27 years of this. So her options are : Leave, Stay & be pissed off and hateful forever or Stay, accept the life you have and work to make small changes that focus on things that make you happy
Yeah no high value man wants to marry a woman who has been in a marriage for 27 years. She must be in her late 40s and most likely in her 50s. High value men would much rather marry a younger chick without all that sass this woman brings.
How has she emasculated him? She is sharing her feelings here but we don’t know what she says to him at home. And she did mention that he can be mean to her. So, to say she emasculates him is your own feelings towards their situation and not a proven reality.
He kinda emasculated himself. He doesn’t contribute to finances but still wants to be the boss and control spending. Not really how it works. Respect is earned not given freely
I really can’t stand it when Dr John forces the whole “you don’t like you, you don’t like who you’ve become” Lol uhhhh NO. I’m fine with me, my husband is a useless blob and that’s a serious problem! And no, it isn’t my fault!
If you stay with the guy instead of enjoying retirement. It will be hospitals and doctor appointments. Eventually nursing home or spending what healthy years you have left taking care of him also the cost of everything. Would he take of you if you got sick? He can't take of himself
This lady has to understand as long as things are comfortable he is not gonna change men will not think about changing until you pull the rug from under him. You have to threaten to bring everything down in order for him to change. Have a acct with just your name on it don't pay for tv or wifi sell the house get an apt..men need to stay active they need a hobby or a job..
She’s dissatisfied. They were doing great together, set a goal to have no debt and live a certain way and when they got to that point, she realized she wasn’t happy. She went searching for more and he happily went along, except, she realized she still isn’t happy with those decisions either. She needs to find happiness in who she is instead of looking at her teammate for being the reason.
She is missing the boat. He is not happy where he is. He is lazy yes, but I suspect he has been nagged his whole life and has never been built up by his spouse. He has accepted her reality and decided if he is accused he might as well make it reality. Love him and Pray for him. Build him up and make him feel special. Encourage him in his strengths and make him see the point in building something.
Listening to her, you can tell she is a nagging wife who is extremely difficult to be around and live with. Her tone is condescending. His motivation to lose weight should be the chance for him to leave her. They can both be happier separate than together.
She agreed to let him be a stay at home husband. She can’t change the agreement now. I love his advice. If you aren’t going to leave make peace with the situation. Hire a cleaning person and move forward.
Kudos to you, Dr. John, you truly have mastered the art of patience! I've been listening to your podcast as an aspiring communication educator and it's a joy to watch you at work!
Imagine a man calling in and saying all this about his wife. Most people would lose there mind. Sorry I'm for equality. If that what she wanted thats what she hasts hard to listen too. She wanted a bigger house and a stay at home parent. Well you got it.
Men's value begins and ends with their money. I hope she has to pay alimony after she cheats. The "Christian wife" thing is hilarious, such a contentious woman. Have the same call with a husband with 4 kids calling in because his obese stay-at-home-wife is diabetic and "expensive" and refused to go to work after the kids are grown.. you all know there's a double standard.
There is always a double standard. A man's sexual market value is in his ability to provide and a woman's is in her beauty. If a man called and said my wife has let her self go and I'm not attracted to her he would be hung. But if a woman calls and says my husband worked before we were married and now he doesn't want too, he would be the bad guy. They are essentially the same thing but manifested in different roles. All relationships are conditional and both people need to make sure their partner is getting what they need. Love your partner unconditionally, but expect to be loved conditionly. If everyone did that people would be better off.
Men's value is not strictly money. That's an absurd oversimplification. With two men of equal income, the one with higher social standing and influence will always be the more desired. Because life is so easy now, you may think it's all about money, but it's not. Men build the world. They invent, maintain, and improve. They are solution-orientated, physically stronger and have thus always been responsible for protecting that world. It seems like you are very bitter, and if your value has been reduced down to $$, that is a tragic thing. Societies that do not value men for their unique contributions to society will rot from the inside.
@@janelleg597 how does someone "sound bitter" when you're just reading text? Maybe you read into it that way. Lol Seems like you are kind of like this lady, unwilling to see some aspects of the truth. Both of you guys have points. I see both sides.
There are three answers to any situation: change it (not the other person because you can’t) change how you feel about it, leave it. Or well, number four is stay miserable and complain about it. I hear her frustration, they have different values and priorities. He’s happy enough, she isn’t. Let it go or leave.
“That’s not your role. Im in charge.” Ohhh no no no no. That’s not how this works. You can’t put your wife in the provider role, sit and do nothing, then try to act like you call the shots.
Her responses to John are EXACTLY what she says to her husband. He says something she doesn’t like and it’s automatically “so I just have to suck it up. Fine.” Poor guy. I guarantee you he is NOT happy and nobody deserves to be treated like that by a spouse.
Yep, its her way or the highway. She power trips off being the provider and wants to control her husband like a marionette. She talks to John so disrespectfully and just wants him to agree with her and bash her husband. She doesn’t own her part in this co-created dynamic. She has ground him down over years. Why not leave if you are so unhappy and he brings no value? “Christian values” but no Christ-like love, mercy or compassion whatsoever.
Once respect is lost, things are basically over. That is something that is hard to come back from…
Yep and it's easy to see here why respect was lost. He hasn't worked since what 2007?
@@johniii8147 He problem isn't that he hasn't worked, but that he is not pulling his weight.
I am in a similar position, fortunately I haven't procreated with my husband. My husband has no intention of doing anything with his life, we had discussions about our life goals and kids before marriage, and he has sabotaged said goals and plans.
Unfortunately I know I am to blame, I was in love and there were things I made excuses for him, he has only bought me one gift in our 6 yrs of being together and it was an orchid that died, I have to beg him for affection, we started out at similar rates in our career and in the time we've been together I have 3x my income (I've job hopped, done several certifications asked for raises and promotions), while he lost his job and took a salary decrease because he has no interest in furthering himself (he literally just coasted at his 9-5 and they let him go because they said he contributed nothing to his employer for 3 yrs and now his new job pays less)
How am I supposed to feel secure having children with a man who actively chooses be a waste? When he lost his job, I consoled him and told him I would support him financially to pursue whatever career he wanted. He chose that to mean sit at home and game all day for 3 months and go back into the same field where he is just coasting again at work 😂
How can I respect a man who not only has lied, he sabotages my future and goals, shows no affection or consideration, and is just all around unreliable?
If he doted and loved on me, I could have let all his other offenses slide because all I really want is to feel loved by the person I love, but after 6 yrs of this, my love has turned to bitterness and it's turning into hate, and it scares me.
Respect is everything.
@@HandleUnclear so basically you are so insecure, you accepted his BS behavior even though none of your peers were ever treated this way. Then ontop of that you are currently allowing him to continue to be lazy. You need a divorce then significant therapy. Otherwise you will pick another similar man. Get out before there are kids involved. Whatever alimony you might owe will be worth paying. Just get out you goof
@@tonytoni1150respect only is granted to those that earn it. It's not a guarantee.
I was a traditional stay at home wife. My husband told me to go back to work yrs later bc we needed 2 incomes. Easy. Done! How anyone sits back especially when the kids are grown up and watch another person slave away at work and not help, beats me.
You must have a good relationship with good communication.
Your husband shouldn't be telling you to do anything. It should be a joint decision. Perhaps it was, but the way you phrased it makes it sound more like a parent-child relationship than a partnership of equals.
I applaud u
I wholeheartedly agree with your last sentence. My sister married a man 30 years ago who quit his job as soon as they married and hasn't worked since. They have no children to take care of. I have no idea how he can sit home and watch her stress herself out to financially support them both. She should have divorced him long ago.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559you are ridiculous
My jaw is on the floor after she said, he’s expensive. This is so sad to listen to.
Like 99.9999999% of wives.
Women weren’t designed to support men (financially/ emotionally otherwise)
It’s going against her nature which is why this is happening. A man could support a woman for years, most women just cannot.
Divorce or an affair is fast approaching.
@@tracygaluszynski1868Dude what’s up with all the incels on this channel??
@@tracygaluszynski1868where did you get your statistics from? From personal experience? I doubt you were once married to every single woman on this planet. This red pill sh*t is getting our of hand.
That is sad but he's caused his health problems himself.
"I'm altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further." -Darth Vader
😭💀
This deal is getting worse all the time!
You win the internet my friend!
Lol 😂
The deal was he was doing the full time parent job. That job no longer exists.
This was genuinely painful to listen to, and I sympathize with both parties. There's a lot of frustration and anger simmering in her, and I'm not sure she's fully aware of it
I agree. She made an unwise deal with him to move to a bigger home and switch the work dynamic and he is now enjoying not working. She literally cannot stand him but feels bound by Christian tenets - and maybe the possibility of having to provide spousal support, should they split. Not working has not brought out his best. He himself has lost his self respect. His power over her is his weight gain, probably a lack of grooming, and keeping the house in a sloppy condition. They are in a power struggle that it would be really hard to come back from. There is no love lost between these two…
I think she's aware of it. She's simmering with rage. I think she wants to leave right along with that last kid, but she's scared to do it.
He is taking advantage of her good morals. In effect, he is laughing at her God. I don't know why these people aren't smited.
He also has anger issues- in a more passive aggressive sense. He knows she's unhappy yet he makes absolutely no effort to address her concerns.
She just needs to leave him. Period. She can do better by herself.
He’s a dad but he’s fully checked out of being a PARTNER. He’s complacent in his own life, with himself, and with his relationships.
I’d say it’s unfair to expect a partner who’s been out of the workforce and taking care of kids to suddenly jump back into it with no issue. This is not that. He’s not invested in anything, least of all his own happiness, wellbeing, or the wellbeing of his family.
- just a psychologist
I agree. It sounds like he's truly in need of mental health help himself before he can work on his relationships.
When a spouse has been "home with the kids" and then the kids grow up, many times the "at home" spouse finds it truly scary (paralyzing) to get back out there and find a career. This woman's husband's refusal to go back to work after all these years is a common problem for many spouses (who are usually women). That potential reality needs to addressed and examined before this problem can be resolved.
My father in law wants to retire, but my mother in law tells him he can't, because he has to work and bring home money. She has never worked. Her son, my husband, has been out of the house since he was 18... his almost 40 now. I feel bad for my father in law. He really wishes his wife would work so they can save faster.
@@chanj2109 that sounds so toxic and not fair at all. What does she think retirement is? She thinks all the money is going to dissapear?
True
Martha, that is just an excuse. There is no reason why you can't go back to work after the kids are older.
@@dietrichjoanne I'm glad you've never experienced being held back by mental illness 🙏
This is a prime example of someone who wants someone to hear her problems but doesn’t want a solution. I truly think she has a equal part to play in this scenario
She for real won't listen lol
She made the deal, he's sticking to it !
She’s upset with her decisions and not willing to do anything about it.
I was married to a man that honestly thought I should provide for him, take care of the house, have the children. His job apparently was ..... nothing! It is really hard to love someone and learn to hate them at the same time.
One day it all ended......I had had enough. I discovered I was lonely, exhausted and didn't know how to verbally express it. I just left with the kids. I had reached my limit, my red line, my boundaries.
I hear she isn't ready yet to draw that red line. Every day brings a new challenge. She is the bread winner and producer. Pretty soon he will be sitting on the couch by himself wondering what happened and why did she leave.
Wht did you marry him in the first place?
@@jeremym8490people change
Or she dies from stress and he says to himself, "See her lifestyle wasn't as healthy as mine."
@@jeremym8490most likely because she was young and society tells women to be patient, kind, and see the positive side of things.
Her husband wants to be the king of the castle while she does all the work... But he's not acting like a king, more like a clown. No wonder she's frustrated and sad
The conversation should have been, “When the youngest goes to school full time you go back to work. Period. Women do it everyday.
Yep. Sounds like that's what they should have done.
And why not renegotiate? Smaller house and him go back to work and use the savings in a better way?
@@GeoffreyLaureatethey probably don't fit in that house anymore.
Also, I think that stay at home parents should be at home until the youngest is done with 3rd grade, let's say. After that, children are very independent and there is no reason not to at least have a part time job or at least a one day job. That's the most beneficial for the kids.
@@Nono-ut8kz So much arrogant nonsense I don’t know where to begin.
lol two people can do whatever it is they want if they're both mature and involved in the relationship. These two sound like two teenagers who accidentally got married and don't even like each other.
The longer the resentment lingers in a person, the harder it is to reverse. They have been doing this for a long time. Once the respect is gone, it is just as difficult as trust to rebuild.
I’d also like to hear her husbands side of the story.
I'd loooove to hear the husband's side.
Me too. And I wonder, if the roles were reversed would the host’s reaction would be the same.
gender equality is a myth... we're equelly important but different. A man staying home while his wife works will always be looked down upon compared to the reverse... same as how women who sleep around are seen in a bad light but men who do it are 'playas.' @@vsand9798
Truth. I have held resentment for about a year and a few months in my relationship lost total respect etc since becoming pregnant and now I'm the main breadwinner, carer of our child etc and yet he thinks i should give him respect, when he can't come home most nights or gets home at 1-3 am. Doesn't work other than odd jobs. When john said do you even like him to this woman, that was almost like a punch to the gut. Because it feels like I dont. But i want us to recreate a good future. But that involves both of us and i can't see this changing at this point. I don't want to be cruel anymore though. Trying to navigate the anger and the frustration and resentment though along with post partum depression really makes this hard.
@Horsegirl2024 I feel for you. Have you had a conversation with your husband to communicate how you feel, think & what you would like?
She wanted a two sentence solution where she could go to the husband and tear him a new one. She sounded so frustrated that she couldn't just magically change him.
@andrewjackson9948 We have her husband here!
She asked her man to stay home and now she's mad that he's being the very thing she asked for? 🤯
@@LifeBetweenTheDashit sounds like he won’t even look after the home or himself. Kids are at school what does he do with his days? It’s probably the sitting around doing next to nothing (except getting fat and diabetic) that’s really angering her.
@andrewjackson9948she got what she wanted? What was it that she got?
She is done. She has to hit rock bottom first to make a change. She needs to be different to affect change. She can let go and let God. This is not something she can do humanly.
The first step in treating a problem is admitting it.
I don't think this lady is ready to admit the problem.
What is the problem?
@@hadenanderson563 I'm curious to know what that is too
I think the problem is the resentment that she has for him.
I believe resentment is classified as one of " the four horsemen" of divorce.
She resents her partner so I feel that 8f she can determine the cause of that resentment it would be beneficial to both parties.
Should have stayed in the smaller house
@@v.m.4453 , I think you hit the nail on the head. I think she wanted the bigger house and made the compromise, by willing to go back to work full time. but I think she resents having done that. She probably wanted to be the one to stay home with the kids. She resents having to pay for his medical bills.
Great call and breakdown of the issues. Thanks for your patience with this lady, Dr.
Especially when she interrupted him so many times.
Nothing would upset me more than working my ass off all day while my husband sits on the couch. A marriage is a partnership. Team work is required.
he earned it he raised the kids. If my wife stayed at home and took care of the kids and they dont do any of those things he said in the video then she can stay at home all she wants .
@@muradshawar Even if all she did was pick up the kids, do grocery shopping and cook? You wouldn't mind coming home to your house being dirty and your out-of-shape wife playing videogames while you'd been working hard?
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 man that’s funny hmmmm I would have to think
@@muradshawar yeah but when women stay at home they are expected to cook and clean the house and he ain’t doing that. Just because he is helping to raise the kids doesn’t mean he gets to just kick back especially since they are older. He’s just complacent.
@@Bobisworld good point
I can understand her frustration, but as a stay at home parent myself, if as our kids leave the nest, my husband turned to me and said I was lazy and fat that would be the most devastating thing to hear after caring for our kids and house all these years. Now I take care of myself physically and health wise, but never in my life has it helped me to loose weight by being told I was fat. John is right, she has to leave or make peace with her life. I would however ditch the nonsense about him getting the final say in the marriage because he is the man. No to that, if he wants to pull that he has to love her as Christ loved the Church and that means laying his life down for her. In this situation that would mean loving her enough to listen to her concerns and frustrations.
He gets the final say because he is the man but he doesn't want to work
There is difference when he has developed type 2 diabeties. He is litterally killing himself. He is killing himself and doing nothing. And then he complaines that he is the man and he is in charge and you can't buy what you want. This a totally different situation.
“Wives, be submissive to your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, just as Christ is the head and Savior of the church, which is His body. But as the church submits to Christ, so also let the wives be to their own husbands in everything.”
Men get the final say, otherwise he isn’t a man but a boy.
@@davidd1289 he needs to act like one and he not! He not providing and doing the traditional role he doesn't get a say!
It’s fine for either parent to stay home when the kids are small; this is hard work. It’s not fair to not work when the kids are grown and one person is still working. He needs to do something.
True. She said their kids are great and don't drink, drugs or date. The kids might not have turned out so well without a parent at home. So, I think he did his job. But if his wife is stressing about money then it's time for him to get a job. But, I wonder if he actually got a job if that would magically solve their problems, or if there's actually something else that is bothering her.
I don’t think the real issue is him having a job as much as she is aggravated that he refuses to do anything productive whatsoever. I imagine that if he was taking care of himself and being productive in other ways that she may be ok with that. But insisting to stay home and eat all day is another thing. But at the same time it seems like she may be hard to please even if he was doing a lot of good things but I don’t truly know that but it wouldn’t be too surprising if that was revealed.
Didn't she say he was on disability?
@@kensmith2796Probably no sex or even physical attention for her.
This was such a great insight to my own marriage. We never had this well needed frank conversation, and the variables were slightly different. But this video really hits home, and I thank you for that. We divorced, but it could have been so much better if we could have just shared our “pictures.”
We are going through a divorce rn. And I was a stay at home mom for their first 5 years, then I worked part time. And my husband asked when I was going back to work full time (once our youngest was in kindergarten), I then went full time at my job. I knew my load would get bigger, I knew I was still going to have my "stay at home" duties i.e clean the house, raise the kids, cook, do all the volunteer school hours, while also working. The thing is he resents me for staying home with the kids and building those relationships with the kids. Now he wants 50/50 without changing his police officer schedule. It just doesn't make any sense. I don't think he knows what he wants.
@@berlizgonzalez6736Some people want what they want without realising THEY have to make changes in order to make it happen, IE They are stubborn, immature, a bit selfish, and totally self centred.
I was with her half way through the conversation until she went side ways. I’m not sure why she called on the show when she seems to know the answers to everything. I can tell she is very very controlling. I now feel bad for the husband. Good luck lady.
Big time. Control freak on fire. She was a pro at lying about not cheating.
Also when she described what he does (makes dinner, does the grocery shopping) you can tell she herself probably thought “well he does a lot of things” 🤔
Hands down this woman is cheating and is trying to control her husband back into a man she respects (like the men she has cheated with)
@@CRobinsonpk wrong
@@CRobinsonpk she was cheating as far back as him working part-time, and definitely by the time he stopped working. It was her idea for him to quit work but soon as did, she began emasculating him. Once the husband learned she was cheating, instead of leaving, he simply checked out and let himself go completely.
This woman is enabling her lazy husband and she doesn't even realize it.
They always do. It usually goes too far before they can fix the relationship. She’s too far in.
Exactly. John should have told her this upfront.
Amazing that he is called “lazy”. If we called a stay home MOM lazy there would be OUTRAGE.
@@keenansteverson5100his kids are grown. He’s a couch potato.
She said also he is obese and expensive, u know diabetes. That means he is playing video games most of the times since kids are grown @@keenansteverson5100
I can’t imagine coming home from work and looking at my unemployed husband and having to eff him. Who could find passion for a man who won’t work.
Thinking the same thing 😂
I'm an electrician and hubby is a concrete contractor
We are literally dirty and disgusting when we get home and we want to eff each other instantly
Low testosterone women
I know right!! I’d loose respect even if we just a suggestion. I don’t know how she puts up with that
Men come home to stay at home Moms and homemakers that take the kids to school, do all the grocery shopping, clean the house and make dinner all the time. Like how can you make this decision together and lose all respect for him for keeping his side of the bargain.
I love how Dr. D is laughing and she just steam-rolls ahead and keeps talking 🤣🤗
Her concern is for herself, for being right, and her goal is to receive favorable feedback for herself to validate her atrocious behavior and attitude.
Wonder how often that happens at home...?
He interrupted her and she has to stop?
I have a wildly different scenario… my husband has explosive emotions like a three year old and the attitude of an angsty teenager… but this episode literally saved me from divorce. I was looking up divorce lawyers 5 minutes before I heard this episode.
Please find a good counselor. Loving and living with an explosively emotional person often feels unsafe. Why feel unsafe in your own home?
I don’t know whose side I land up but I do think that whichever party is stay at home should absolutely be keeping the house fairly clean. 😂
I like what he said about acceptance. In one of my familial relationships I am working on accepting that we can't change anyone but ourselves.
My wife makes more than me but i pay the mortgage and bills. She buys all the groceries, cleaning stuff, vacations and dining out. I love it.
Cuck
It’s always seemed so wild to me that people organize their finances like this. Just seems so disjointed and difficult. My wife and I have one chequing account that all the bills come out of and then our day to day spending is on credit card that we pay each month. It always seemed easier to have everything come out of one big pot. To each their own though, seems more and more people are seperating things.
@@warrenbuffet6126It’s an indication that unfortunately marriage oneness is being forgotten. And I’m saying that as someone whose husband abandoned us after 35 yrs! But that was his refusal to deal with his mental/emotional issues and b/c we always had one set of accounts, I had managed the money and knew what we had so I wasn’t left penniless.
This is a tough one. I don't think this woman is crazy for resenting her husband in not doing anything about his health. My father was diagnosed with type II diabetes and he completed changed his diet and exercise habits without asking my mother to change anything. At the same time, I get the sense that she always has to be right. Anytime she would ask John what to do, she would just start talking over him.
I think both her and and her husband have legitimate grievances about the other. I hope they can work through them.
I don't think she has any legitimate grievances about him instead I think he's a longsuffering husband who is there until the children no longer need him to protect them from their mother and then I suspect he will divorce her. Like he probably wanted to do when he agreed to getting a bigger house on condition that he would stay home and take care of their children since he didn't want to leave them to grow up with a bad mother. She boasts about how good her children are and how they don't do anything, yet she doesn't even realize that this is because he is their father. If they only had their workaholic mother who was focused on her consumerism, they might have nice houses and nice things, but they would have had a bad childhood with a terrible mother and wouldn't have had their father in their life.
He is doing great pushing through their children's childhood, and he wouldn't be blameworthy if he left her the same day the last child is out of their home.
@@jakehansen5719 😆, he'll never leave her. He's literally fat and happy with her. He's got her doing the hard work of being the "man" in the relationship, while the almost-adult kids are at school all day.
He, like most married men have learned to tune out her constant nagging by drinking a few beers at night, and saying "yes Dear, whatever you want" before going back to watch whatever sports game is currently on.
@@jakehansen5719 You just made up a whole drama story in your head lmao. They both worked part time to get a new house. Then she said 'I told him that after the deal, Ill work full time while you can be a stay at home dad again'. Based on that its easy to assume that the man is not someone who's able to get a stable job to provide for the family where the woman could be a stay at home mom. I think she didn't mentioned that directly in this call for reasons. This relationship dynamic worked for them because she is a woman who can work full time to provide for the family while the man preferred to be a stay at home dad. So why are you villianizing her by making up a story of her being a workaholic, horrible materialic mom when this dynamic was suitable for their relationship and the family? She seems like a wise wife if anything. I can only imagine someone with a mysogynistic view to make a judgement like your comment.
You nailed it. she always has to be right. She is causing everything. He is only a thing to be used, and he no longer is willing. But, men are not allowed to challenge women. This baloney guy never points at women.
Absolutely love the counsel; because it applies to any and all marital problems wherein one wants the change to come from the other side when in fact it must come from within. The alternative is to leave the marriage, which may not be an option for some. Thank you Delony!
Another alternative: suck it up and deal with it.
I went back and forth on this one so many times lol. I was like ok he is whack, ok now she is whack, ok now everyone is whack haha. I hope they are able to work it out. Taking these lessons with me to my future marriage. This almost sounds like they shouldn't have gotten married and on top of that the understanding of Christian marriage here is so doinked. Its not about power or control or telling 'him/her what to do' but about service, sacrifice and honoring your spouse.
@Abubakar Halilu Geez, man!! Advertising an unsolicited business, via WhatsApp, on this channel is so ‘doinked’. Just move on.
He has given up on taking care of herself and so she has lost respect for him and is becoming meaner because she is tired of carrying him.
I was ready to be on her side but then it took a sharp turn for me. 😂
A seriously wonky turn. 🤣
just curious , why arent you on her side ?
@@rayn1ful she sounds so uptight and overly concerned with optics she's practically fighting John in this phone call. Her husband may be a bum im not sure but she cannot be pleasant to live with.
@@rayn1ful She doesn't take responsibility for her own actions. She resents the man she married.....and their kids are going to be weapons in the stupidity.
@@Oldscale Let's change the narrative from a "man" being a "stay at home...."....and pretend a MAN called in about his WIFE doing this?
Should have set boundaries a long time ago! He’s lost his dignity and she’s enabled him. 😌
Why doesn't she just say, Agreement over. I've left my job, Now what ,,? They'd likely lose everything . But she can't continue like this. She,LL be dead before he is !
Kids in high school need their dad more than ever.
Well, they need a parent. Parents really need to supervise their teens, be available to talk, and know what they’re up to.
@@genxx2724 He understood this and probably knew he when he agreed to her getting a bigger house if she worked full time. He knew someone would need to stay at home with the children and be there for them and he was willing to do that instead of simply divorcing their bad mother. He's been there for them throughout their lives and has put up wit her out of love for his children. I don't know what he might have done if they hadn't had children but I suspect that if she came to him demanding a bigger house at the time he would have showed her the door and would have cut his losses. But you can't really cut your losses when you have children.
They needed a good parent, and he was that to them and they have turned out well notwithstanding having a bad mother because they had a good father.
That doesn't mean he shouldnt work and get healthier regarding his type 2 diabetes.
Kids need to see their dad being a provider for the family. That is what kids need.
One of the best calls from Dr. D, learned a thing or two for my own marriage.
The fact that she hasn’t left him yet is beyond me
She'll lose too much. They live in California. She'll have to pay alimony
as men put it, "it's cheaper to keep her"
Oh how the turn tables.
Ditto here.
For the same reason so many men don't leave, the exit deal would destroy her as the provider. She is a financial slave at this point and divorce wont change that.
“Suck it up is different than make peace.” Wow! This is seriously profound.
Not really. That was disingenuous of John
@@vaska1999I agree.
He is messy, he is overweight, he refuses to work, he won't fix the house. He needs his walking papers.
He already has them, it's his wife's paycheck :) Married women do it all the fucking time.
Thats what she said. We dont know, if it is true.
She messed up the balance by wanting a big house and he got lazy and lost motivation over time
No she didn't mess up the balance. He's just being lazy.
@@johniii8147 she’s one who made the deal!
@@kingasif9265 Deals can be renegotiated as things change. There is no longer a need for a stay home parent.
She's got more masculine energy than he does. Men are the suppose to provide for his family.
Mike smith Right. They weren’t on the same page with buying a bigger house, now she needs help paying for the lifestyle and he won’t “do his part”. He’s happy where he’s at and they are on two completely different pages
They had a paid off house and she decided to go bigger. Now it’s his fault for not contributing. Clearly this lady feels like she’s better than her husband. She’s upgraded the house, job, fitness and now she’s looking do dip out on her husband. Listening to her, you can clearly tell she no longer needs him.
What she fail to realize is that she would have to sell that new house and split the money with this guy. Now that’s going to hurt a lot.
"What she fail to realize is that she would have to sell that new house and split the money with this guy. Now that’s going to hurt a lot."
I hope he goes for everything he can get once he files for divorce after their children leave the home. He deserves it after putting up with her for so long to protect their children from her.
*If her husband is half of what she’s accusing… this guy is a bum. She doesn’t need to feel better than him, she is better than him. You’re right, she doesn’t need him. If this guy was a family member, a brother of mine we’d roast tf for being bum, fat and lazy while his wife is out working. She’ll be aight, she should let his sorry ass just get obese, let his health deteriorate and slowly die away on the couch.*
@@jakehansen5719she is better than him
She's disgusted by her husband, but fears divorce will bring her family shame. It's driving her crazy that he won't step up. A person coming home from work, walking into their home to find their fat and lazy spouse is not going to work out.
She should leave and she is not happy and he won't meet her halfway. She'll for sure have to pay alimony though. 😬
Yes, she sounds like she is remaining “married” for status and image.
That’s why I don’t feel bad when people pity me for being single. There’s many unhappy married people out there.
I’ll say this, I have said it a million times. Us as men…. We need to be working! We need to be doing something to cause us to have our own self respect, and purpose for ourselves.
Guys, if your lady ever approaches you and says: “I want you to quit your job and stay home.” You tell her “No! I’m a provider. We will pay for daycare.”
We are the hunters! Don’t emasculate yourselves, because your lady WILL lose her attraction and respect for you. This story is live proof.
This is just the usual lazy, dumb, bullshit generalisations. Men will do as they please regarding such issues. If a man's purpose is being a stay-at-home dad, then that is sufficient enough for him, that is his source of self-respect and purpose for himself. 'We are the hunters'. Cringe. Some guys just aren't that way inclined. It's not neccessarily emasculating to be a good father, or a stay-at-home dad. Neither will it neccessarily lead to the man in question's partner, losing her attraction for him etc. Sometimes it just works in those kinda relationships.
@@SOak145 “Lazy, dumb, bullshit, generalizations”
Really? You, the great Kreskin, feel free to enlighten me as to why every male who I knew in these kind of relationships ended up as a drug addict, a cheater, and an abuser, I’ll wait.
Or, the more obvious question….
Are you yourself, the one exception out of 1,000?
@@curtiscf1986 No actual sufficient counter points to my points raised. What a surprise. Grow a brain.
@@SOak145 I asked a valid question….you failed to answer.
Have I exceeded your limitations?
Thank you for speaking the truth. You are right. But marry her before being intimate with her and she WILL respect you later. It will be deep in her heart ❤ how you treat her before even if she is weak. Choose a woman who has the same values.
Great advice, John! You are so good about seeing the problem behind the problem.
This should have been a part of the conversation when they made this agreement.
Your kids always need you! Especially when they are teenagers. Even if they are the "perfect" kid, the "perfect" kid struggles too
It’s 24 hours in the day. The kids are away for 8 hours. He can work in that time frame .
And they are not kids any more.
The guy lost so many times he just gave up.
Or he is passive, lazy or undiagnosed.
This lady is beyond frustrating to listen to
So frustrating and I kept thinking she’s luring Delony in to fix her situation just to prove him wrong.
I'm sure there are men who feel the same as well. When a spouse wants a high value item and only one income comes in, a balanced approach is needed. She resents her husband for playing a role that should be an option for her.
He takes care of the home, cooking, cleaning, getting kids ready, etc. How is he not contributing? That's what a house mom does
The kids are grown and don't need him. He has become overweight and sick for not taking care of himself. Obesity is a sickness just like alcohol. Type 2 Diabetes is completely reversible with lifestyle changes.
The wife is working extra just to take care of his medical needs while he is not willing to help himself. Yes she has lost respect for him because he has become a burden and not a partner.
I think that two of the main issues is that whatever grocery shopping and cooking being done is obviously not keeping husband from developing Type II diabetes which is an extra $6000 that she has to cover. Second issue is that husband is "messy" meaning that cleaning is also not up to par. Husband could potentially be binge-eating and/or hoarding to cope with psychological/mental stress possibly related to being a full-time parent. He needs help but he has to decide to want and accept help first.
Also the kids are mostly grown. Women who are stay at home moms, but no longer have children in the house are just as guilty. I’m not saying they have to get a full time job, but this woman is only asking for 30 hours a week. That is a part time job.
@maam-yj8ph Yeah if he's messy, then she is working full time and also doing the cleaning
All of a sudden, we're obsessing over messy after not mentioning that for the past 15 minutes.
The reality she created feels different than she expected. She is too traditional to accept it. I suspect that if she had stayed at home and had health problems, she would expect him to respect her
Dont forget that all the years he has spent at home not earning a wage are years he has contributed ZERO to his social security future. Why is that ok with him? Whether he is old and single or if he stays married the future is going to be ROUGH living on a fixed income that will be close to poverty level. Is he aware of inflation? Does he know medical bills happen? Does he expect her to carry the entire load? Shes his safety net? Wheres hers?
Uh, they AGREED to this set up. No victims here. She got the bigger house at the expense of her husband. Congratulations!!
If he was a woman, would you be saying the same thing
I love how John makes the distinction between giving up and making peace. It's all about the attitude. I hope her husband can see how his actions (or lack thereof) hurt her and get off his duff. But until then, she really is the only thing she can change.
She needs to leave. He's a lazy bossy controlling slob. Bye you leach
The husband is the housewife in this relationship.
How many times do we hear of husbands telling the stay at home wife to lose weight and do more and work out, etc. This is the same thing with the roles reversed. Women typically have a hard time respecting a man who won’t work and won’t protect and won’t provide. It doesn’t matter how much a man earns as long as he contributes income to the household.
Honestly he is probably upset that she isn’t having sex with him. He is not in charge because he told her to be the provider. He is stuck in the role that he requested to be in… but he wants to be in charge. They are both stuck in roles that they don’t want. Can’t be in charge of the money if you aren’t bringing any into the house. She is gonna ‘find her joy’ with another man if they don’t work together to resolve the situation.
Always things going wrong when you go against scripture, The Bible said a lot about this roles, sometimes if we are confused how to lead our life we should listen God's word, it will prevent you so many crisis!!!🙏🙏🙏
@@addiskassa5165 I agree but society today (in general) is so far from biblical guidelines that they aren’t paying attention. Everybody doing what’s best for them in that one moment.
The man in this case seems pretty content with his role, other than the loss of respect and lack of sexual attraction that comes with it. But how does that differ from housewives in similar situations?
The guy has made himself sick: he's obese and diabetic now!
This marriage is over. She's a doer and he's given up on life. She's lost respect for him and soon will find someone she can respect.
I remember when me and my sisters were almost grown up and my Christian dad made our stay at home mom get an entry level job, so she could get off her butt and finally contribute to our family. Oh wait that never happened because that would be needlessly cruel and stupid.
Why not? If she was lazy why not
Get off her butt? A stay home mom shouldn’t be on her butt in the first place.
I bet when he gets a job,she will complain about not having any food in the house or no dinner on the table.
No the kids are old enough to make dinner. My parents had us cooking by 5th grade
@@deepthinking8633 same here. I was doing my own laundry by the time I was 9 or 10 and our mom taught us how to make meals so that dinner would be ready when she got home from work. Those boys could contribute and they could also help clean the house.
She probably does the shopping and cooking. Sounds like this guys is a lazy bum. My sister was married to a man like this: refused to work and refused to take care of himself. We were all so happy when she divorced him. Now she is married to a man with a great job who treats her so well.
@@stefaniemedina14 She said he cooks and does the shopping
@@dancechica She knows she is wrong. I don't think she will divorce him
There are much worse fates than divorce. This marriage held in absolute contempt is one of them.
She never should have made that deal. If they have strong beliefs in gender roles within their marriage and family, he should always work unless he is physically unable. The choice they made all those years ago didn't take into account how they feel about gender roles. He wants respect and headship but hasn't earned it. She desires to respect him and support him, but she is the bread winner, and he doesn't do anything that requires supporting. Can't have it both ways. I hope they work it out.
He has done more than enough to earn respect because he was the good parent to their children that she wasn't. Without him their children would have had to grow up with a terrible mother who was a workaholic with a consumerist mentality. Hopefully in the years he has had with them he has taught them how not to turn out like their mother. Maybe after they all leave the home and no longer need their father to protect them from their mother he will divorce her, and she can get herself an even bigger house and second job because the current home is too small for her and suffocates her too. There's no doubt that she wants him to work even though their children still need a parent to be there for them because she has more plans to upgrade and if he does this now, he may be in long term trouble and the divorce won't be as easy. If he has talked to an attorney already, they may have advised him not to get another job until after he divorces her.
@@jakehansen5719 Whew...you make a lot of assumptions.
@@KManwarren You made a lot of assumptions:
1. He wants respect and headship but hasn't earned it
2. She desires to respect him and support him
3. He doesn't do anything that requires supporting
4. They have strong beliefs in gender roles with their marriage and family
5. He should always work unless he is physically unable
6. She should never have made that deal
You don't like it when other people see the truth behind what happens in situations like this. Based on what she has said, it's pretty clear that he's holding her to their deal, didn't want to get a bigger house and is focused on the children still needing him until they are no longer in the home. At that point, it's safe to assume that since he has been staying home for them that he is going to leave and divorce her crazy ass once they no longer need him. Because at that point there is no deal to be made with her and he should never have made that deal but instead should have divorced her and gotten custody of his children then but he put his children's interests before his and stayed with a crazy woman. I can only imagine him being married to someone like her or someone being married to someone like you. I feel bad for him and I feel bad for anyone you may be married to unless they are are assholes too. Then you would be made for each other.
@@jakehansen5719He isn't the best example for a male child. He basically put on a skirt.
@@jakehansen5719Do you know them?
What seems to have happened. they have swapped rows in a traditional marriage. And if that husband was a women. That will be a great wife. Food ready kids ready grocery picked up. And she’s happy. Sounds like a great wife to me. Lol. Or in this instance a great husband lol.
Traditional wife stays fit though and this guy got all fat and sloppy apparently
“Parenting is the hardest job in the world”
Ok, so do you want to go back to work?
“Nah I’m good”
The kids are grown up now so really he's just another kid.
He's beta for sure....
@@GardenerEarthGuy He has to be if he has to put up with the caller. Any alpha male would have dropped her in a second and don't have time to put up with her crap. Being an alpha woman does not do women any favors and not tapping into their feminine side.
Imagine the seething hatred a husband calling in saying the SAME thing about his wife would be receiving.
I was thinking the exact same thing.
If you want to call yourself the "head of the house" you don't get to be a deadbeat.
It's not the same because men and women aren't the same
True
Yea maybe except he still wants to have that traditional control over her and the money. Either way it isn't good.
He's probably hoping she does file... she sounds exhausting.
The kids are still in highschool, dad is doing exactly what they agreed to.
But he ought to care about her thoughts on this, and the disconnect between them?
@@nicolab2075 She can change her feelings with the wind for all I care. I'm commenting on if the husband is being unreasonable in HIS actions.
They both agreed on how they would run the family and she is now trying to change that deal. The burden is not on him when he is the one who is following the agreement. If she has second thoughts about the deal then so be it, but he is not "immature" for doing exactly what he agreed to. She is the immature one in that scenario for demanding the deal she claimed to be fair needs to change.
Does that mean the dad can't work with her, be the bigger person, and find new common ground? Of course not. If he at all wants the marriage to last it's very much something he should do. But if he doesn't want to and that's the cause for a divorce, the blame IS NOT on him for why things didn't work out.
@@LegDayLas You're talking as though they had a contract. But this is a marriage. If you love a person you want them to be happy. Any verbal arrangement is surely open to adjustment after several years?
I think to call her immature in this situation is strange, she is not happy with the arrangement and is saying so, why shouldn't she? Why talk about blame here? Isn't it about being flexible? If she's unhappy the solution is not to quote an agreement they made years ago, is it?
@@nicolab2075 Marriage is literally a contract.
@LegDayLas Yeah, but you see what I'm getting at?
Is this was the other way around, where the wife was stay at home so that the husband can work full time and buy a big ass house that the wife did not want. Then later complaining that life is getting expensive and their wife is fat, their wife is lazy. Doesn’t want to go back to work because their husband initially said she can stay at home, NOBODY would support him.
She doesn't respect him..... it's time to go
He doesn’t respect himself either - hence the obesity , messiness, and not caring about his health. It’s hard to respect a person that has given up in themselves. He needs to find a job that inspires him. Those kids are too old now to be a full-time job. He’s bored.
I respected my husband when I married him. As I gradually lost respect for him, I found it very difficult to also love him. Respect is key.
I feel sorry for this poor woman. Her husband is a disgrace.
Lazy husband. Crazy wife. Period.
Well said.
He may be depressed and beat down as the old saying goes.
Brilliant!
Ah the crazy lazy dilemma
LMAO ❤
My advice is to wait for the two kids to leave the nest in two years. Then learn to do things together again. It might be picnic or vacation to Las Vegas. Get with MFCC counselor for help. Give it six months to either change for the both of you to MFCC suggested criteria. It should work out. But anybody in their situation should not kill the deal. Work it out if possible. Too many years to toss.
Well she was a stay at home wife my question is would he have asked her to go back to work after the kids grew up?
15:36 because she cant afford the house she wants on her own. thats why she can't leave. she wants a life he doesn't want, the problem she is facing is that she wants a life that needs to be subsidized by his pre-relationship equity. if unreliable narrator manifesting itself as a person it would be this caller.
He is lazy but she talks down to him like he is trash , it was her idea to start with having him stay home with the kids
Yes, as John said, why is she staying? I am not seeing any reason to stay together in this situation.
She sound like she wants to get Divorced. I can hear it in her voice.
I wished she’d do it. They’d both likely be happier.
I agree. She’s afraid of the failure and time investment. She’s got to come to terms that she has already created an environment where there is no relationship, and they are both inflexible.
Wonder if she wants him to earn an income so when she divorces he doesn't get alimony.
She just cannot shut up!!
Every time John gave good, solid advice she came back with a rebuttal or a response showing she obviously didnt hear him. If shes like that with her husband i think the husband made the decision, a long time ago, to make peace with his life. The very advice John is now giving her
Woah yessss that could totally be what it is!
Imagine this being a call where the genders were reversed.
Exactly this was my first thought. A husband that decided that the wife must stay at home and raise the kids and after some years, he calls her lazy. Totally disgusting
The part that she says about his medicine that SHE pays made it even worse
Hey lady you are worth having your own life for real....🎉 You deserve to see yourself as a beautiful wonderful woman ♀️👠♀️ You're not a sacrifice 😢 you deserve a full wonderful life.
Imagine a working husband telling his stay at home wife that she’s overweight and needs to exercise. Yikes.
It would come off as abusive wouldn't it? Controlling and abusive.
It happens way more than you realize. I had a bf give me shit for gaining 10 pounds and going from size 6 to 8. He acted like I looked like a hog.
Husbands do say that. The neighborhood I grew up in was full of stay at home moms. Those women were always in the gym and had dinner ready. I have met women who didn't care. Most of their husbands had side chicks lol
@@starrjohnson1327 you’re right, except a husband would be crucified by Dr. D for bringing it up. That’s the point I’m making.
@@cassphanh6678 maybe. I would like to hear a husband come on.
Sounds like this guy is going to end up getting alimony 😂
As he should!
@@cassphanh6678 yes
Yep
Hell yeah... she will kill him
Why would he tho?
She keeps saying “he’s happy” or “he likes things as is” - not true. He’s miserable. He’s disrespected and demeaned every day, so he’s given up. If she turned the tables and respected him, he’d step up.
But how could she respect him, when it is clear he does not even respect himself?
@@metagirl2573 Chicken or egg. Someone has to go first, and there's 25 years of proof that he won't. If she won't ever leave, she has to go first.
@shana8055 Yes!!
Hmmm such an interesting quandary🤔 right? I find it hard to image having nothing you could respect him for. But I also find it hard to imagine living with someone who is “killing themselves” as John put it, I had a relationship like that in the past and she ended up cheating extensively I broke up with her because she said she would move to the ocean with me and then backed out and that was just the straw that broke the camel. I have compassion for both sides I think it’s very unfortunate she married him I doubt she didn’t know what she was in for but then again maybe she didn’t.
@@metagirl2573 resect himself, lol the most useless phrase people uses.
Telling Chridtisn wives that divorce is one of three options doesn’t work out
I'm on the dad's side here. They had a paid off house. They contributed equally and had no debt. She wanted a bigger house and was probably the reason why they decided to have a 3rd child and this was her idea to begin with. Now all of a sudden she's bitter that he's get to enjoy the benefits of staying at home for a couple of years after raise the kids full time? It comes down to the fact she wanted the bigger house. I'm not saying he doesn't have to work ever again but he's earned a few years to relax and improve his skill set to prepare for the workforce. If this was a woman nobody would be batting an eye.
Yes, but would the woman be controlling the money and be the boss? Nope. Because the man earned the money. So, not necessarily.
@@britneyog9537 In many households, the person at home often handles budgeting and bills. Her idea of him controlling finances may be him telling her they don’t have a lot of wiggle room for extras depending on if they pay college tuition (or help) for their two other kids. And San Luis Obispo ain’t cheap. I hate to see the mortgage. My husband checks with me for all major purchases because he doesn’t have a clue about our finances despite my best efforts to include him. So she may be spinning it one way.
@@britneyog9537 I didn't actually hear her give any examples of him wanting to control the money - just him having a say.
She agreed to the situation out of greed on her part!
How do you justify the simple fact that he let himself go physically, is overweight, unhealthy, and has diabetes? Sounds like those "few years" that he was at home had to be well over 10 years now that the children are close to graduating high school. I would really like to know what he was doing with the tremendous amount of spare time that he had being a "stay at home dad"?? According to his wife he never kept the house clean and could not even be bothered to use all those years of free time to keep up with his health. How is any of that fair to his wife who goes out and works every day to provide for him and their kids and he can't even do the bare minimum? I can completely understand why this woman would be resentful. Anyone would be whether you are male or female in that situation. Another thing, so what if she wanted a bigger house when he's clearly also enjoying the benefit of it as well?? If I were her I would get a divorce even if that means selling half of the home value. It would force that guy to get off his arse and work instead of using his wife as a meal ticket while he stays at home and kills himself slowly over video games and watching T.V. Any man who would do that is not truly in love with their partner..
John seems utterly at his rope’s end with her. I would have told her-get counseling because you’re a hot mess of contradictions. I think, in the end, she just wants a hotter spouse who makes money she can control. She doesn’t seem much deeper than that.
Yes indeed. She is FULL of I did my part and my hubbies a loser. Good luck with that starting position. Miserable.
I don't think John said anything useful here tbh. Yes she should own it but what divorce him? He didn't give any useful advice on how to resolve the issue.
@@toluani7690 But I also think she kept contradicting herself in the laundry list of complaints. What she wants is not going to happen but she wanted John to give her an answer that would make her husband lose weight and get back his salaried job. Unrealistic. I definitely think he threw in the towel in the end. she’s a radio therapist’s nightmare call.
@@toluani7690 yeas he did. This man will never change. It's been 27 years of this. So her options are : Leave, Stay & be pissed off and hateful forever or Stay, accept the life you have and work to make small changes that focus on things that make you happy
Yeah no high value man wants to marry a woman who has been in a marriage for 27 years. She must be in her late 40s and most likely in her 50s. High value men would much rather marry a younger chick without all that sass this woman brings.
She completely emasculated him, then wonders why she doesn’t respect him.
How has she emasculated him? She is sharing her feelings here but we don’t know what she says to him at home. And she did mention that he can be mean to her. So, to say she emasculates him is your own feelings towards their situation and not a proven reality.
@jenniferabbott976 good luck with that attitude... you don't realise it... but brilliant example of what I'm talking about
He kinda emasculated himself. He doesn’t contribute to finances but still wants to be the boss and control spending. Not really how it works. Respect is earned not given freely
I really can’t stand it when Dr John forces the whole “you don’t like you, you don’t like who you’ve become” Lol uhhhh NO. I’m fine with me, my husband is a useless blob and that’s a serious problem! And no, it isn’t my fault!
If you stay with the guy instead of enjoying retirement. It will be hospitals and doctor appointments. Eventually nursing home or spending what healthy years you have left taking care of him also the cost of everything. Would he take of you if you got sick? He can't take of himself
This lady has to understand as long as things are comfortable he is not gonna change men will not think about changing until you pull the rug from under him. You have to threaten to bring everything down in order for him to change. Have a acct with just your name on it don't pay for tv or wifi sell the house get an apt..men need to stay active they need a hobby or a job..
This is it!
@@iHeartAmySue men will take it all the way to the end before they compromise..he could at least look pretty for her.
This was a very muddled message Dr. John. She couldn't tell what you were trying to say and neither could I.
Same. And what advice Dr, John did give Wasn't honest. ,,Learning to accept him,, IS the same as SUCKING IT UP.
This is super sad to listen too, I pray they can reconcile and get on the same page.
She’s dissatisfied. They were doing great together, set a goal to have no debt and live a certain way and when they got to that point, she realized she wasn’t happy. She went searching for more and he happily went along, except, she realized she still isn’t happy with those decisions either. She needs to find happiness in who she is instead of looking at her teammate for being the reason.
She is missing the boat. He is not happy where he is. He is lazy yes, but I suspect he has been nagged his whole life and has never been built up by his spouse. He has accepted her reality and decided if he is accused he might as well make it reality. Love him and Pray for him. Build him up and make him feel special. Encourage him in his strengths and make him see the point in building something.
Listening to her, you can tell she is a nagging wife who is extremely difficult to be around and live with. Her tone is condescending. His motivation to lose weight should be the chance for him to leave her. They can both be happier separate than together.
I guess I missed the interview with him during this call.
@@mph5896 yep, I think you did
If true then he really is a child. Oh well.
Regardless it's not her fault. He is comfortable not working, surprise surprise.
She agreed to let him be a stay at home husband. She can’t change the agreement now. I love his advice. If you aren’t going to leave make peace with the situation. Hire a cleaning person and move forward.
She agreed to let him be a stay at home dad, not husband. Kids are grown. He’s lazy.
@@sunkist3304 dump this zero
Kudos to you, Dr. John, you truly have mastered the art of patience! I've been listening to your podcast as an aspiring communication educator and it's a joy to watch you at work!
I had a boyfriend like this.
Left him and never looked back.
Do not tolerate someone using you.
This is true for men and women...
100% this.
15:27 I don’t understand this woman!! Messy, no job… she’s minimizing what she’s complaining yet staying. I don’t get that.
Imagine a man calling in and saying all this about his wife. Most people would lose there mind. Sorry I'm for equality. If that what she wanted thats what she hasts hard to listen too. She wanted a bigger house and a stay at home parent. Well you got it.
She doesn’t even listen.
Men's value begins and ends with their money.
I hope she has to pay alimony after she cheats. The "Christian wife" thing is hilarious, such a contentious woman.
Have the same call with a husband with 4 kids calling in because his obese stay-at-home-wife is diabetic and "expensive" and refused to go to work after the kids are grown.. you all know there's a double standard.
There is always a double standard. A man's sexual market value is in his ability to provide and a woman's is in her beauty. If a man called and said my wife has let her self go and I'm not attracted to her he would be hung. But if a woman calls and says my husband worked before we were married and now he doesn't want too, he would be the bad guy. They are essentially the same thing but manifested in different roles. All relationships are conditional and both people need to make sure their partner is getting what they need. Love your partner unconditionally, but expect to be loved conditionly. If everyone did that people would be better off.
Men's value is not strictly money. That's an absurd oversimplification. With two men of equal income, the one with higher social standing and influence will always be the more desired. Because life is so easy now, you may think it's all about money, but it's not. Men build the world. They invent, maintain, and improve. They are solution-orientated, physically stronger and have thus always been responsible for protecting that world.
It seems like you are very bitter, and if your value has been reduced down to $$, that is a tragic thing. Societies that do not value men for their unique contributions to society will rot from the inside.
Husband of Four?
So true. Double standard for sure.
@@janelleg597 how does someone "sound bitter" when you're just reading text? Maybe you read into it that way. Lol
Seems like you are kind of like this lady, unwilling to see some aspects of the truth.
Both of you guys have points. I see both sides.
If you want to vent about your spouse call a friend not a radio program.
This video is the best advertisement ever to not get married
That’s what I was thinking!
Amen
There are three answers to any situation: change it (not the other person because you can’t) change how you feel about it, leave it. Or well, number four is stay miserable and complain about it. I hear her frustration, they have different values and priorities. He’s happy enough, she isn’t. Let it go or leave.
“That’s not your role. Im in charge.” Ohhh no no no no. That’s not how this works. You can’t put your wife in the provider role, sit and do nothing, then try to act like you call the shots.
Her responses to John are EXACTLY what she says to her husband. He says something she doesn’t like and it’s automatically “so I just have to suck it up. Fine.”
Poor guy. I guarantee you he is NOT happy and nobody deserves to be treated like that by a spouse.
Yep, its her way or the highway. She power trips off being the provider and wants to control her husband like a marionette. She talks to John so disrespectfully and just wants him to agree with her and bash her husband. She doesn’t own her part in this co-created dynamic. She has ground him down over years. Why not leave if you are so unhappy and he brings no value? “Christian values” but no Christ-like love, mercy or compassion whatsoever.