How to Break the Spell of Trauma Bond Relationships
Вставка
- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- 🟢 Order My New Book and Attend a Special LIVE Workshop Sept 25: bit.ly/4dRI8Sj
Do You Have CPTSD? Take the QUIZ: bit.ly/3GhE65z
FREE COURSE: *The Daily Practice*: bit.ly/3X1BrE0
Website: bit.ly/3CxgkRY
***
Can you be addicted to a person? If romantic relationships turn to obsession, especially after they're over, it's time to heal trauma bonds that "hook" you in to people who are selfish, manipulative, and who "blow hot and cold." In this video I respond to a letter from a man who struggles to detach from an ex who tries to keep him at arm's length, but hooked on her all the same.
***
🟢 Letters: Want to submit a question for me to answer in a video?
Keep it short, not too explicit, relevant for this audience.
bit.ly/3VVxqjm
🟢 Become a Member!
Access ALL my courses, webinars, group coaching & online community
bit.ly/3Zfx9dN
🟢 Take My Online course: Healing Childhood PTSD
bit.ly/3k6gQQH
🟢 How I Recently Lost 27 Pounds: ble.life/V9fe9O
🟢 Change Trauma-Driven Dating Patterns
Online course: Dating & Relationships for People with CPTSD
bit.ly/3IBbrv7
🟢 Learn to Heal Dysregulation
Online course: Dysregulation Bootcamp
bit.ly/3ZpjGAh
🟢 Heal Isolation and Build Better Relationships
Online course: Connection Bootcamp
bit.ly/3iuUEPz
🟢 Coaching Programs & LIVE Calls with Anna
🔹 NEW Coaching Program for DATING: Apply Now: bit.ly/3Qjdozs
🔹 8-Week Coaching Intensive for Healing CPTSD Symptoms: bit.ly/3wjVVjg
🔹 Join LIVE Webinars with My Team and Me: bit.ly/3ifhJ8U
🟢 PARTNERS/RECOMMENDED PRODUCTS
(I receive commissions on referrals & recommend services I know and trust)
🔹 Is Carb Sensitivity Sabotaging Your Energy and Weight? Take the Quiz:
ble.life/V9fe9O
🔹 NEED ONLINE THERAPY? BetterHelp can connect you with a licensed, online therapist:
betterhelp.com...
🔹 Try MUSE Headband to Calm Your Mind: choosemuse.com...
What I love most about these videos is these people wrote their story out which probably helps them process a little, then they hear you read it out loud which probably gives them a new perspective on the matter and then you give advice in a 40 min video that they will always have for reference when they need help on their healing journey. Incredible
And not to mention all of the kind and helpful comments!!🌬
♥️
Agreed. She is more helpful than 75% of channels I’ve found. I’ve shared her channel with many lost ones
I think she also contacts the writer and goes over the letter privately first. But yeah, having this as a permanent link to reference is a huge help.
Well said.
There's a quote that I found very helpful when sorting out who should have access to my life and who shouldn't and it goes something like this:
"Never forget the people who helped you in hard times,
the people who left you in hard times,
and the people who put you in hard times."
Relationships only really fit into those three categories when it comes to figuring out who is reliable, consistent, authentic, and present in your life.
Hi Louisa, great quote. Can you remember who it was by?
Thank you, Louisa, for this wise reminder. God bless!! 😊💕🙏
@@gill426 usually one is character trait is prevalent.
I've had a person do ALL 3,what's that even mean?
@A M it can't be that 3, that person was inconsistent and that's why you supposedly feel you can't put them on a category. Be objective
Trauma bonding from what I’ve learned, is biochemical. The same as a drug addiction. The honeymoon periods get you high, it releases the feel good chemicals in our brains. Oxytocin, serotonin, etc. so when they mistreat us, we want another hit of those feel good chemicals, that’s why we believe that the same person that’s hurting us, is the only one who can fix us, it’s a terrible place to find yourself in. It’s tough as hell to break. But when you start loving you, it makes it easier to let go of the illusion we were stuck in.
Thank you so much for this coment. You nailed for me.
@@Rockyourcolours you’re welcome. Best wishes on your journey of breaking free from the crazy making, and the opportunity to grow, heal, and allow yourself to be truly loved by someone far more deserving of you!
Have a look at Dr Gabor Matés work on how trauma is wired into our biology.
@@simonclarke4156 yes, I agree wholeheartedly with you! I am familiar with Dr Garbor Mates work. He is someone who I respect highly. His wisdom has helped me understand myself in many ways.
@Amy so very perfectly put. I’ve taken a screenshot of this, so that when I feel wobbly I can refer back to it. Thank you so much 🙏🏼🌻
Trauma bond with a Borderline/Narc. Bottom line: Healthy people don't act like Angela. He got tricked. No shame, it can happen to anyone who doesn't know the Red Flag signs! Tough lesson, but it highlights his own childhood trauma that allowed him to put up with Angela's nonsense. Go No Contact and remember Time Heals All Wounds.
Tricked is also unhelpful. There's a pattern at play here & a dynamic that both people interact with. Acknowledgement, compassion & faith that it can be changed and you deserve more is hopeful & inspiring
Time definitely dissent heal me at all. My trauma has ruined my life. People just like to say words that sounds semi true
@@KAT-dg6el yes that quote is partially true...time can be a healer as long as you are doing the WORK to heal..CPTSD book by Pete Walker is a good start. So is working with a trauma recovery coach and/or a trauma-informed therapist, somatic work and practices (trauma is stored in the body until it is worked out).
lol ...YUUP!!!
How do we lump borderlines and narcs together? I detach from myself a lot and have borderline symptoms but i have tons of empathy and guilt, narcs dont have those feelings
The substances are called dopamine, cortisol, oxytocin 🤷🏻♀️❤️
I wonder why he left her alone at a festival. I think that triggered her and that’s when everything went downhill. To me she displays as someone with CPTSD. That back-and-forth behavior of hers can also be her own fears of whether or not she wants to be with him. Someone that we know left her alone at a festival! She may be really struggling with her own emotions over whether or not he is a good choice.
Yeah I don’t see her as being necessarily “bad” - she sounds like she has a lot of her own issues. I feel bad for her
It's odd to see people defending such obvious manipulation
A cocktail for insanity!
She may have stayed behind because she met sb else there and was hooking up. You never know. Im sure they discussed the length of their trip. At any rate, it is her job to express her feelings if that is the case. And she had ample opportunity to do that but instead she hooked him with emotional promises she didn't follow up on.
Please don’t be angry at yourself; her behavior of; hot / cold, hovering (sucking you back in) bread crumbing and gaslighting, smear campaign ect is classic behavior of a narcissist. The way she was when you met wasn’t real, the traits you experienced however were real, the true her. It traps us and they know it. It’s abuse… the pain in intense… best to stay no-contact… it’s not always easy however we can’t heal while being manipulated…
Spot on the mark
Exactly. I just came out a very similar situation
“don’t ask for it, declare it.” YES! we have power!
Oh, Martin who "doesn't want to diagnose" should diagnose away because he got Cluster B'ed good and proper!
Things changed at the festival because she met someone else! Then she was on and off depending on how the new "thing" went! She behaved horribly- flouted Martin's boundaries, gaslit him and breadcrumbed him and ghosted- all mega-abusive.
She called "from a cafe" because she had a date there that didn't go well so she soothed her ego with attention from Martin- just awful.
She put on the Cluster B act of being a perfect fit- that word- "magical"- huge red flag- she just took on Martin's personality- because hers is disordered.
I feel so sorry for Martin- it is so hard to get past- until you really get your head around how deceitful and manipulative these people are- then it is so painful and so sad. He has done a great job of seeing how unhealthy this was and deciding to stay out of it- but he's hurt and confused and grieving.
It's so great that he has a very clear and healthy view of what he wants.
Best break down ever! Ima say borderline / narc ...I wish the world would wake up to these types. And thank you for having the courage to tell Martin to go ahead and diagnose - hell yes !
@@americasariesson1862yes, def bit of borderline in there-too disordered to be classic narc.
Oh my God when you said “just reading this, I felt the energy being sucked out of me” I’ve never related to anything more :( I actually had to take a break from this video and come back, and when I came back, that’s the first thing you said 😂 what a horrible situation. Thank you so much for examining these stories and helping us out. You’re a Godsend
I had to step away too Bc it hits close to home…wow! She is truly a treasure 🙏🏽💕
Me too!! So energy sucking!!!
This is so powerful and I needed to hear it: “if it’s your power, nobody has to let you be in it.”
"I don't even know which woman to grieve..." I so deeply understood that, the truth sir, is that you need to grieve YOURSELF for getting fooled and pulled in, for losing yourself and to find that again and a sense of trust in yourself. *
* Stated with tons of compassion.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is EXACTLY what I just went through. Same things about Facebook, confusion for years, just now realizing I was just played. The last lie(s) gave me the strength to walk. Trying to heal.... very difficult, but I understand. Thank you for VALIDATING it. Seriously... I needed that..
I deleted Fakebook a year ago January…never felt better. My family lives out of state…oh well. Self preservation is important.
This is also the problem when people are either not open and/or in places, and/or don't know how to communicate and/or in awareness and/or contexts and of experiences, too?
Forgiveness for people's current (dis)abilities are also key, but also not an excuse, if it can be helped, even if only at a distance, if we consider how voluntary things are, currently?
This video almost made me cry. I could relate so much with a toxic relationship I had. I blocked him right away after the hateful, childish behavior. I tried to look at it as a wake up call since I’ve had one toxic relationship after another. I so want to heal and have an adult relationship.
She was definitely a narcissist!! Sounds like my ex!! The love bombing and the discard is so real and confusing!! Well done for writing in and I wish you all the best on your healing journey!!! I love you crappy childhood fairy !! Your videos are so real and healing xxx
Definitely a narcissist 😩
"this is not about love...you know that? ...this is about...consumption." Wonderful line! It is draining just to hear you read this letter! My god, there is a time to recognize one is being manipulated like a puppet and say ENOUGH. I left two crappy relationships when younger; yes, it was painful but it was also exhilarating to liberate myself from their abuse and inability to show reasonable respect. Interestingly, both tried to get me back but no, I was OUT. I knew I was just being used so I made my decision and declared my independence day. One last thing: have you ever noticed that there is one quality missing from these jerks and abusers? A sense of humor! My abuser as a child had no sense of humor, was no fun, no warmth, so I had to become aware I was attracting the same type of person for a relationship. Isn't his all so much fun? LOL!
👏🏼💝
Wow, what an amazing description of trauma bonding. I was involved with someone just like this person, I never could understand how I got so attached. Thank you.
To me, it sounds like she was trauma bonded to him and not the other way round. He was triggering something in her that was making her try to protect herself from him and move away from him, but she wasn't able to walk away from him completely. She sounds like a traumatized person who wasn't ready for a relationship, but he was somehow able to hook her. Could very well be that he's actually the narcissist and he's trying to use the advice here to gaslight or manipulate her that she was the problem.
I get a creepy feeling from his letter. The way he ended things with her reminds of a narcissist's discard, and the way she's desperate to try to make things work out reminds of someone who's still trauma-bonded to him. Something in this case feels off! He might very well be the manipulator in this case.
He's trying to paint her as a crazy person... I think he was the one who had power over her and he gets a power trip from manipulating the Fairy to affirm him!
Martín, if you’re reading the comments, just know you’re not alone. I went through a VERY similar situation with a man who knew he didn’t want anything serious with me, got a thrill from charming me and watching me fall for him without any desire or plan to reciprocate. I took me YEARS to get over him. But one thing that truly helped me was 1. Grieving, as you mentioned, the person you thought they were. It’s as if they died, so cry and mourn. 2. Making a list of all the ways they mistreated you and constantly reading and writing that list over and over and adding to it where necessary. - This step is essential because we tend to have euphoric recall and only dwell on the “good times”. You must remind yourself daily of the harm and pain they caused you. 3. Using that list to ACCEPT who they are. They are not going to change. Whatever charm they used on you initially was FAKE and it will NEVER be real. It was a lure and a trap to get their needs met without any regards to your needs. So think about if you want this insane back and forth, painful push and pull and breadcrumbs, because that’s all it will ever be. 4. Get MAD. Get ANGRY. Imagine if some stranger was treating a female or male relative this way. Imagine if they were being strung along and used and you saw it. Wouldn’t it make you angry? Wouldn’t you be disgusted and tell that loved one “Leave that crappy person alone! They don’t really care about you! You’re hurt and it’s because of them!” Now, feel that for yourself. See them for what they are - selfish, self centered, shallow, a user, reckless with your heart, the most precious thing a person can give another person. I’ll end with a quote from Bob Marley that stuck with me: “The biggest coward of a man is to awaken the love of a woman without the intention of loving her.” Applies to women too.
Thank you so much for sharing your support with Martin. Appreciate you being here. - Ashley @ Team Fairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you more, Team Fairy!
"Oxygen from the outside world." I really like that. I'm involved with a woman in a relationship with strong resemblances to this one; trauma bond for sure.
And numerous times I've lamented that we haven't had enough outside perspectives on her, and on her and I. We've been very isolated, where it's mostly all private between her and I.
I think it's healthy to be around others more, because it helps individuals keep perspective on themselves and the relationship, by contrast, around other people, and by feedback from them also. Family and friends who can see dynamics that you might rationalize away or whatnot.
When a relationship is abusive, keeping away others is part of that, for these reasons, to have a tunnel vision between only you and them, very important to gaslighting. Other people would quickly identify the bullshit and call it out.
THANK YOU Anna!! I can’t get over the timing of your video. I am REALLY struggling with reliving all the good memories of my ex after 7 YEARS of a toxic and addictive dynamic. So much of this story resonates, though he didn’t have all the narcissistic tendencies. He could be so kind and loving. But….Definitely avoidant and much like Angela he would tell me how much he wanted to heal and work through his issues and request compassion and empathy when I would break things off. And I would let him back in with boundaries set and he would follow them…for a few months . The main issue was our values didn’t align. He wanted to move in and get married AFTER his kids graduated high school. That was 4 yrs ago and his son is now a senior. I thought I was fine with that (not really) but after awhile I realized I made assumptions and he actually didn’t want me to have a relationship with his children. He didn’t value family the same as I did and when all was said and done, he didn’t want to be apart of my children’s lives either. He would say so, but would engage with them minimally. So we’d go through another round!!! Rinse, wash, repeat.
There was enough intermittent reinforcement of future faking and promises made of marriage and blending lives to convince myself (and probably himself too) that the fantasy of what he was promising was just a fantasy. We were supposed to move in together in a few months and we were planning to get married. But I was the one making the plans for us. It’s like he would agree to things but then sabotage or say that those were not the details he agreed to. I feel like what “sobered” me up from this addiction and toxic dynamic was the reality and empty space of not truly living daily life and actually blending families. After 7 years, I would think he would be sure about this and just do it …but there was always a “not yet”…still enough breadcrumbs and chemistry to keep me hooked with minimal actions to support us moving in that direction of engagement etc. It’s so challenging to describe this dynamic and make sense of it, not to mention the energy draining and confusion. Like you said…If someone wants to be with you, they will. If someone wants to build a life with you, they will and take their partners feelings in to consideration . It’s been a couple of months since I’ve engaged with him and we had couples therapy the last week we were together and he did gaslight me in therapy and told our therapist we had all these plans in place, which was not true. I was completely flooded and felt so unsafe after that. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think Dr. Stan Tatkin said in his book “We Do”, that knowing your partners trauma and triggers is a love language.
So, lately it’s been especially hard affirming this constant “do not engage with him” mantra with the holidays arriving. (my mom passed away on Christmas 2008, so this time of year can be a lot of emotional processing). This video has helped me make more sense of what I am needing to grieve and heal. I know with support like this channel and community, I am able to maneuver with more ease and shift what I will tolerate and what’s best for me and my children. I can choose differently this time. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DETOX HIM! Washing him out of my hair! 🤣This is the longest I’ve gone with no contact and it’s soooo painful!! Thank you for reading to those who’ve gotten this far!
Big healing hugs to all of you going through this. I see you and hear you. I wish us all healing and hope for the partnerships we truly deserve and desire. ♥️♥️✨
Big healing hug to you, too!💕
Laura, very hard story. Thanks for sharing and I sense it will help open someone's eyes. Wishing you a Merry Christmas and a healthy new year.
Right there w u. 8yr relationship :(
"It doesn't matter who we attract, what matters who we end up getting together with."
...Mic drop🎤...
That sentence is a literal life changer. 🔥
There's hope for the girl too right? 😔 Perspective switch-Im the girl in this story. I would blow up my boyfriend's phone because "he hadn't been clear enough that he needed space" and I would feel like since he didn't tell me he was going to ghost me that he should give me the respect to respond and it drove me insane. I never did the FB photo thing, I never was trying to see other guys, and I genuinely loved him, but I did the push pull mechanism constantly, among other things described. After hearing this, and reading the comments, I think I'm fearful avoidant and It seems like I treated him like shit and I didn't even realize it. He's the one who sent me this video. I've only been in abusive relationships and I guess now I'm the abusive one. I really, really don't want to be that person, I want to be capable of a healthy relationship. Thanks for this video...I'm heartbroken and crushed, but I'll be getting therapy because I really, really want to love and bring people I love up, not down because I'm an insecure asshole. Ive never felt so bad.
What you are saying here is beautiful, and can one day be the turning point in the story of how you transformed your life!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Aw thank you! This video was a big eye opener so I'll be directing people to this video, ha! Thanks again, I think you've helped change both of our lives.
@Jennifer Richards
Not judgemental, just curious: What does a person like the girl in the letter or - as you said yourself - you think while doing such unreasonable things like saying lovely things - being really "in love" on one day and being terribly cold and abusive on the other ?
What a scary thing to realize about yourself. And very bold of you to own it. I hope things are going well for you!
@@jenniferrichards3167 Heidi Priebe has a great video called "What to do when you realize you're the toxic one." Might make a nice next step...
This is pure gold. Thank you. I've been following you for a while now. Every single one of your videos has helped me immensely and continues to help me. Especially after I broke a very long period of no contact last year because of a death in his family. Although it may not have been a mistake to break no contact, given what happened, I have been pulled back into his manipulations. Waking up to reality again and breaking the toxic bond by radical acceptance of the reality that he will keep hurting me, over and over again. No more vampirism.
You have given away ur power and ur fate to another person. Rings true for me
Doesn't have to stay like that though :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is so true. The sad thing is this type of relationship also exists in situationships where there it's equally hard, if not harder because oftentimes in situationships more often that not, we're left wondering about the what-ifs or what could have been, which in and of itself is very unhealthy.
If it's meant to be, it would have been.
Anna, I love you videos. Your voice is so gentle and caring, and your advice is always spot on. I don’t have a sister, but if I did I would hope she was just like you. Martin’s letter really resonated with me. I sympathize with him. I’m thinking I will seek some therapy after the holidays for my issues. I haven’t seen the man that I have feelings of limerence for in 2.5 years, yet I still hold on to the tiny grain of hope that he will one day come back. I’m in my late 40s, so time is slipping away for me. I need to move on, but it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. Wish me luck. 🙏
Good luck, Wendy! Stay strong, 2.5 years is making so much headway 💖
@@brooklynn5146 thank you so much. But I’m afraid the only reason I haven’t seen him is bc he doesn’t want to see me. There is never a waking moment that he isn’t somewhere in my thoughts (whether in the background or the forefront). I’ve started to do a lot of thinking about my childhood and what if anything might have predisposed me to connections like this. The only comparable feelings were those I had for my ex husband. But we’ve been divorced for 21 years now. But this has been infinitely harder to overcome. And in fact, I haven’t. I wanted to know him. Really know him. But he didn’t seem to want to know anything about me. I think that hurts as much as anything. No one has ever cared to know me. I feel pretty worthless. Like I say…I have lots to cover in therapy. 🤦🏻♀️
@@wendyhutchinson457 I know how you feel, Wendy, we long for sb to finally be interested in us, and not in what they can profit from. We need to stay strong and support each other because the weird thing is that I can tell your great qualities like good heart, intelligence and strength from this small comment but struggle to see my own. That’s what we have been gaslit (in our childhood or intense past experiences) into, and if there’s nothing else we can do we can realise this and support each other so that, hopefully, we get to see and truly incorporate the real us behind the lies that others unfortunately managed to make us believe about ourselves. I’m sending you a big hug.
@@chrisg7795 thank you so much. Sometimes it’s the knowing that I’m certainly not alone in my situation that keeps me going. I wish for us all to find peace in wherever life takes us. 🙂
This video is an excellent reminder. I went through a relationship that warped my sense of reality. I'm one year out, and as I heal my wounds I struggle with the addiction of maybe I did things wrong. I'm learning the things I did wrong were different than the things he did, and it doesnt have to leave me thinking I'm broken. We uncover a lot about ourselves through removing ourselves from a trauma bond, and it may not be pretty. To anyone who is struggling, learn to listen to yourself again. Learn to find who you are, and what you want to be. Listen to yourself when you see red flags.
The part about no contact is painful, but true. All you have to do is explicitly say "I am done with having contact with you" that is vital if you desire to get a restraining order later.(I learned that from the Sheriff's office)
Very wise advice. Thank you. Wishing you healing and happiness as you move forward in your life. And I hope you never have to go through this again 💗
You are so amazing
I've been listening to your videos for a few weeks now, but this morning I've binged quite a few in a row and I find myself in tears. I really feel for the people who write in to you, and it makes me realise how damaged I really am, and how much I'm scared of even beginning to heal.
OMG, I'm learning SO much from you. I feel like so many of these stories are like my past relationship. I had no idea about love bombing and trauma bonding until I experienced it. Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom.
Martin, you deserve wayyyy better!!
In my life I've realised that I've gotten fed up coming across such people. They always enter my life no matter how much I actually try to avoid such interactions. It's so tiring for me that good potential spouses are far away and never near. 😢💔
Yes, emotionally draining letter. The problem is that she, "Anna", is "normal" meaning CONSIDERATE at times when you think she will be off the rails. For example, texting she got your letter & will get back with you...very calm, very emotionally mature. Then later calling to say she won't be answering the letter. Anyone who I have sent a letter to or set a boundary, has retaliated with either anger or belittling me or my thought
process.
This sounds almost identical to what I went through. Same kind of time frames and everything. Right down to wanting to have a relationship where we learn and grow together. And how “communication” was of the utmost importance.
Prior having more of a “whatever” approach with relationships.
The push and pull... coming after me like a zombie when I finally had enough and couldn’t take it anymore...
I did give her another chance. And paid for it.
I didn’t fall for the hoovering the next time.
A lot more narcissistic abuse traits though... but other than that, almost identical situation.
I can't even listen to the letter a second time, I feel my energy being drained by this situation. I just hope this man is able to free himself from this relationship. All I can say is that leaving, no matter how painful is what he needs to do.... don't expect it will be easy, take it one moment at a time when things are tough and really try not to communicate with her...it is like an alcoholic trying not to have a drink. Also, don't do this to your kids, get out from under this situation.
Well said, thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Thank you for this. I also was in a trauma bond. I was the anxious and she was the avoidant. Constant hot cold push pull, etc. what happened was horrible.
I was asked by someone who knew I was in a relationship that was horrible. They asked me if I thanked them...and my first thought was what the %@#$! But after thinking about it I realized I learned some many of my issues and my part of being there. But listening to your videos along with others, and reading as much as I could to understand. Sadly more people were hurt by this persons actions. They were toxic. It was hard like you brought out as an addition. I would do the same thinking as alcoholic use, 5 minutes at a time and hold on to not make contact. And when I wanted to reach out sit and think what is the outcome I’m looking to get from reaching out.at the end of thinking it always came back that it was to make the person be the person I wanted them to be. We fall in love with potential. Not who they are and that potential maybe our perception of them, if you wait long enough they will show you who they are, then believe them.
Thanks for the videos!
Appreciate your comments!
-Cara@TeamFairy
when you say " having someone validate you by getting it" so powerful 🙂
That's so gaslighty to be like "we're not breaking up" at that time yikes.
Based on the letter, it sounds like she has more of an addiction to him than the other way around. At least, he sees and knows there's a problem. Hopefully CC Fairy's advice gives him the reassurance he's looking for and needing right now to let that situation go. ❤️
I agree!
Thank you so much for taking so much time to help and explain how childhood trauma effects our relationships. You don't understand it until you've been through it.You've helped me so much! So grateful 🙏
Glad it was helpful! Thank you for being here. - Ashley, Team Fairy
The thing that stands out for me is my goal when it comes to these abusive relationships is to understand why they do what they do and when I get it that's the end of it. I somehow missed the fact that I was to use this information/awareness to protect myself, to enable myself to live a life that inspires happiness and allows for health, love, joy etc . I have had significant vampires in my life that have left me feeling utterly depleted but soldiering on, making myself a better person because as my mother said, on a daily basis, everything was my fault and I could somehow be good enough one day for them to stop.
I validate your comment.👣
Changing my phone number was very hard into going no contact. But it worked and prevented me from reaching out
Omg. I was a lot like this woman. I feel terrible for putting my love through that. He's not my love anymore because of it.
(I would never smear him on social media, though. I did complain about him privately to my best friend, blaming him for our loss of intimacy. But then I fessed up and admitted my part in it. My mother is the queen of smear campaigns, so I recognized that I was starting to sink to my mother's tactics by smearing him- even just to one person. That can be a slippery slope. So I nipped it right in the bud.)
I really do love him and care for him so much. I wish I'd shown him that. I really just didn't know how to show really healthy love. He stood by me through so much grief and he brought so much goodness to my life that no other partner ever had.
But I have an emotional dysregulation disorder. I've been in counseling for two years now, genuinely trying to understand and manage my behaviors. It's still unsure what exactly I have, but my counselor thinks it's cPTSD. my previous counselor thought it was BPD. (Both disorders actually share many similar symptoms.) I might even have both comorbidly. My mother is undiagnosed, but she has very strong BPD/NPD traits.
I've suggested to my counselor that maybe I also have NPD. She doesn't think so. She says since I was raised by a narcessist and I was also in relationships with narcessists in the past, that I do have some learned NPD tendencies... but since I'm aware of it and trying to change it, it's not full blown NPD.
My worst fear was that I'd be just like my mother. I was afraid that, just like my mother, I couldn't improve my behaviors even if I tried. So early on in the relationship, I told my love to leave me. I told him my dad deserved to be free of my mother and that if I act like my mother, then he deserves to be free of me.
So a decade later, he finally took my original advice. He left me.
I really did want to heal and grow together. I really was trying. I still am trying. I just have to keep trying for my own sake and for our daughter's sake, now.
For my daughter's father, though, the best I can do for him now is just accept that he wants and needs to be free of me. I need to stop all the pushing him away and pulling him back. I need to stop clinging to him and really just let him go. I'm not entitled to keep him. Especially not in this shroud of "I'm not good enough for you but please stay with me anyway because I'll fall apart if I don't have you to lay this heavy load on."
The best I can do for myself or anyone else in the future is learn from this, own my actions, keep working on emotional regulation, go slowly and make sure boundaries, respect, healthy communication, and compatibility are there. Mutually.
Before I can have any of that with a partner, I must learn to forgive myself and my mother for the past (but still keeping boundaries in place), stand on my own two feet, do things and act in ways that I can genuinely start respecting myself for. So I never go into another relationship dragging all this baggage, feeling unworthy, being afraid to trust my own intuition or anyone else's intentions.
It sure does feel like I'm going to die without him. I am SOO disregulated at losing him. It really does physically hurt to accept that this good man is gone because I've pushed him away and put him through so much stress and misery.
I want to tell him how much it's hurting me. How I can't eat, sleep, or concentrate. How I can hardly function from depression. How I'm terrified of the future without him. How I'm worried I will fail as a single mother. How I wake up in panic attacks with my heart beating like crazy. How I'm terrified no one would, could, or should ever love me again.
But I WILL NOT LAY THAT $#!+ on him! Not anymore. These are MY chellenges to fix, not his. Trauma dumping on him pushed him away and it surely won't get him back. So I need to just stop.
I can do this. I MUST do this. I will do this. I will move on and learn that I can rely on myself. I can respect myself, accept the respect of others, and also show them respect. I can be calm and capable. I can stop letting my traumas and triggers from the past cloud my appreciation of the good people right in front of me.
I can let this good man go. I can be grateful towards him and wish him well in his future because he deserves to be happy. I can stop beating myself up for making him so unhappy. For not being able to fully see him and appreciate him all along. I can avoid becoming limerent towards him.
I can learn from this and be better. I can. I will. I must.
Best of luck!!!
What a confusing situation Martín went through, It also happened to me, im glad we are out of it and alive after such a confusing, unhealthy and somehow abusive relationship 😔
I'm leaving this comment right at the point where our beloved CCF begins her analysis because I didn't want to be influenced. I felt the same way she did after just hearing the story - TOTALLY DRAINED. I've had many guy friends deal with these types of women who play emotional roller coaster "head games" ad nauseum. As a woman, it has always angered me because they ruin good men, and I can't tell you how many times I've come along right after a man has been sucked dry by women like this, and, essentially, they ruin it for me/us becasue the man has little to nothing left to give us. These people are energy vampires (I've had males do this type of thing with me as well). I hope this guy has since found a good woman who treats him right.
The hook is intermittent reward system, I remember it from my psychology class.
Stay the hell away from them for you’ll become mentally and emotionally drained!! I’ve gone through this and it’s hell to get away!! I myself stand back and stay away from people now!!
Hi, it's some amazing content you are putting out. Can you also please add videos about sexual trauma and feeling dirty and disgusted and how it may affect people with cptsd.
This was a lot.... but I lived this and it's good to hear this broken down like this. Even years later, it's a needed reminder.
I needed this video. It wasn't my letter, but wow!! I have had very similar experiences and this helps so much.
You say ur not a doctor or a therapist but i think you are an expert. Subscribed.
Welcome!
-Cara@TeamFairy
"We have done it too and it never works"...I agree 100%.😢
I relate so much! I think I'm still in the bond unfortunately. I'm so grateful to you for all your videos, so willingly helping me learn a lot, grow and hopfully to heal. I'm having a hard time however, letting go of he, who I allow to run the show!! No boundarys, he doesnt truly care, hurts like hell, but I wait for breadcrumbs, because I'm dreading the actual end. I care far too much. I want my fix!!!! Definately feel addicted, as a recovering addict, It's far to skmilar!!! I could use some prayers or good, strong energy sent my way, I go through literal withdrawls, thank you everyone and Angela, you are a blessing!!!
Oh my goodness. I have been raging against this hot/cold dynamic for years. To a point where I am quiet quitting my marriage. Waiting for my youngest to graduate school & get launched. I have even suspected my husband may have mild Aspergers. The behavior can be similar - able to turn on studied affection when useful, but otherwise blank to the emotional needs of others. But now I wonder if it is more a version of trauma bonding. Either way it has really degraded my sanity & self-worth over the years. I appreciate your advice to take a low drama way out & to cut emotional dependence. Since I did the latter & stopped threatening to leave, the roller coaster of hot/cold is leveling out. I imagine I will just start getting away by myself & see what happens. Not tied to a specific outcome & not wanting to generate extra trauma for self or family. But dedicated to my health & sanity. Life is too short for this.
Thanks for sharing! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I’m also married to a man who is an emotional robot and he has Aspergers.. I’m basically married to myself.. just graduated and ready to start a new career so I can leave and start over. The only reason I’ve stayed is because we have a young son and I don’t trust him.. it’s been the absolute loneliest 13 years of my life
When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time
Yes, dont lie to yourself. Trust your gut. Be logical.
At this point, what I’d truly just want to to know what the person actually thinks, do they care at all, do I matter, do they even like me, or am I just a doormat and a convenient yes-man. I want the truth even if it hurts, because I am always confused.
The reason why it’s not more obvious is because my trauma for my youth made it very hard for me to trust people and quick to assume they have bad intentions. I am constantly balancing my inner paranoia with the enigma of my relationship and I don’t know what is the reality
You are not a doormat!!! They trick you into going along with their bs by starting out in a truly wonderful way. Lovebombing can also be sb just being extremely kind and supportive. They do that as a tactic, and what they think - they don’t think! They just enjoy getting good feelings out of you and go along with you as long as you don’t ask for reciprocity. They are the real addicts who give (in a shallow, short lived way) in order to receive. It’s got nothing to do with you. You’re kind. You’re important. Just not to them, as they are running around blindly, grabbing all they can get to feel good. Like the likes on fb.
@@chrisg7795 thank for saying that. Yes they were so kind, they were the warmest, most charismatic person ID ever met and in exchange for my admiration, they claimed they saw so much potential in me and claimed I was special. Lol naive me.
While I can't read them, I think the reality is nuanced. Not that its okay to mistreat someone. But in some way deep down I think they do care in a dysfunctional way. But they more so enjoy having power over me and putting me on a rollercoaster. It keeps them feeling wanted and in control. Thats my guess. They are nuanced and human but I'm not excusing them. I just wish I could know their true perspective, so I know I'm not crazy. But thank you for the kind words
@@julianbluefeather8491 I agree. They are nuanced. I just don’t allow you to shame yourself :) Because if you say that your doormattiness was the reason why she behaved as unempathically as she did you are taking on her part of the responsibility (the mutual wish that the other may feel good).
I’m going through the same painful inner questions as you at the moment, constantly asking myself how the wonderful them is possible alongside the cold dismissive them. I felt our mutual caring as real. But at the same time he was able to go back to coldness in a sec and dismissively deny that we were in a relationship all at once in spite of swearing he loved me when I wanted to stop the rollercoaster. I can’t wrap my head around these opposites. They can’t both be true. Either he cared or he didn’t/didn’t care enough to find a solution.
And yes, definitely, it seems to be more about control which is sad as I was always ready to stabilize him when he felt shaken. In one of our last conversations he told me that I had been a “warm cave” for him that he didn’t want to lose and that he was ready to do everything to keep me. I asked him, you mean, that’s why you told me you had feelings for me etc.? He said yes, correct. I got all numb and confused because he said it in such a cool, calm way as if it was a natural thing to do. I got back to him later and told him that that was abusing me emotionally and he exploded. Oh he was so angry, telling me that he never said what he had said before and that he had never used anybody! And that if I was thinking that badly about him he didn’t want me in his life anymore, and that he hoped I didn’t tell that nonsense to our friends.
His denying what he had said confused me so! And it still does because I’m so sure that I did ask him in that dumbfounded moment whether that was what he had meant (telling me that he had feelings for me etc.)
@@chrisg7795 I'm sorry you had to go through. You don't want to look back years from now feeling like you put up with more mistreatment. You deserve to be happy and you will find that
@@julianbluefeather8491 🤗
Dear “Martin”, I’m so sorry this happened to you! Find a way to heal from this ! You deserve to have the same sweet kindness and love you have to give!!! Love of your life, would feel good, peaceful and fun at the least! 😊
I'm going through this now. I feel for you Martin 💔
She totally sounds like she could be a narcissist; the future faking, the rage, smear campaign, & possibly seems like she was seeing other people while they were dating. I broke up with a narcissist a few months ago, & he did the all these things, similar to Angela" & worse, so now I am in the process of healing myself.
I hope he found someone a lot better by now. Thank you so much for your awesome content! You are genuinely helping me right now 🙏🏼⚘️
This is the story of my life with my mother.
I work with this person and im so incredibly tired of this connection. Shes not a narcissist, but more of an avoidant. The breadcrumbs, hot/cold, walking on eggshels and ofc stonewalling and the lies are just draining me. When im not around her for awhile i start feeling like myself again. But its also me ofcourse bc i feel so codapendant around her. Im trying to build the courage to state and create my boundaries. I hope this will end soon because im so done.
Such a great letter. So self informed. Thank you for your articulation and humility and for putting words to the feelings many of us have experienced or are experiencing. Sending good thoughts your way. Fairy, thank you for sharing this with us. Your feedback was helpful and encouraging.
Glad it was helpful!
-Cara@TeamFairy
So strong. This love of a male to a narcissistic-leaning avoidant-leaning vixen
Martin is my hero
When a female told me she loved me in 9 days. That was a red flag.
When she told me she told me that she wanted to marry me within
9 weeks of having mind blowing sex, I knew she was not dealing with a full deck. Needless to say I showed her the door without any guilt.
Too Fast too soon is UNHEALTHY.
What really spoke to me was when you talked about relationship you had with an addict.. my husband recently checked himself back into treatment after months of lies and separation and likely, another woman.. he will be on blackout (no contact) for 60 days. I have no idea what to expect and it feels like it's destroying me. I don't know if I'm more scared that he doesn't want me or if I shouldn't want him..
as a 20 something product of a neglectful stepdad and a co-dependent mum - I've been limerant my whole life toward men, had only one healthy relationship but zero real attraction to him - I'm learning so so much about myself and why I want what I want and it's so incredibly uncomfortable but also necessary and enlightening... it feels like so many lightbulbs going off in my mind.
I keep replaying the beginning statement of the video over & over again because it literally is exactly what I’m dealing with
Yes, any time you ask a simple question and you hear some crap like " you're too linear", you know the person is not someone you can have a real conversation with.
lol so true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Toxic relations affect future generation badly Emotional abusrs can b in our own famly
Wow I recognize myself (on both sides) with this story... This is a reality check/ tough Truth that I needed to recognize at least my responsibility in the crazy story I lived for the past 6 years...
You are in the right place. Hope you will find help here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Oh Anna, THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing these videos with us, thank you ×10000000000... I relate to the letters, and then the way you spell it out, for us. The 💡 goes on like a 🎰 goes off!!! This helps me to the core of my being.
Thanks for sharing!!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This is an awesome way of shedding great light on the subject in a way we would not realize due to the rosie glasses. Thank you so much. From July to November I dated someone like her but way worse. When I stood up for myself, he destroyed my property. I will be sure to take my time from now on for sure AND stick to my boundaries. Thank you!
15:17 oddly enough when studying abusers I found that an abuser will wait 18 months or more before showing their true face. They will wait as long as they need to before they feel they have isolated and gained enough control and access to your life where you can't get away from them.
That was terrifying to me. That people actually know what they are and lie in wait for when you are the most vulnerable.
I’ve been Angela before I got into recovery. She definitely has attachment issues and probably sex and love addiction issues. I really feel for her and he did the right thing, she’s unavailable right now.
Is it normal that the overwhelming majority of relationships for me are better described as trauma bonds... in that, is it the new normal for all people to experience many more trauma bonds than we do authentic relationships? Or am I just incredibly broken that 95% of my relationships have been trauma bonds?
Im trying to understand if it is me attracting this, or if it is just normal in our society.
It is not uncommon for those with unhealed CPTSD to be mostly in this dynamic which is different than you are attracting it. Generally, with no help and healing, people cannot get unstuck.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I think I have been doing the same thing with someone I meant online and being married at the same time .
I know this and was wrong yet has happened and now I am going work through this and work at healing my marriage ! Thanks for sharing this ❤
this story is near identical to what i experienced. crazy how i still feel like i need to justify my actions to myself after a year from no contact from her. but i feel soooo good to be on the other side of that experience.
Yes it’s called love addiction - it’s a real thing!
There are 12 step meetings
Men & women !
Dear Anna this case reminds of some of my past behaviours with past relationships… I see a pattern from her very similar of what I used to do 😢…
I wanted so bad to get things moving with my relationship and they always take so long that triggers a wound inside that I was not good enough, if they don’t move fast enough is because they will change their mind about building together 😢..
I had been working through many bad patterns but my soul longs for becoming a better person, I never intended to cause caos or confusion to another but these were patterns very awful that need work…
I used to behave life her because I wanted to get response from my partners. It was more like manipulating to hear what I wanted to hear 😢and to get what I needed. I’m very aware of those behaviour as I been looking for help and understanding of why I behave the way I do …
I believe she is manipulating and hurt because not getting him to move faster .
Often when I behave that way … they pull back and that’s was scary so I engaged in contact again 😢
I appreciate all the work you do! Your videos are of so much help and I also share with friends who are as well in need of great help.
I apologize for my grammar, I am Spanish, English is not my first language 😅❤
I definitely did one of those. The minute I would move on and start talking to someone else, he would go up to them and tell them I am crazy and things like that.
Omg I am an abuser
Same gurl
This is what I needed to hear tonight. Thank you!
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
These letters are soooo helpful for me! Thank you 🙏
I think I wouldn't never want to share such personal information as the uninhibited thoughts about someone in my journal. That stuff tends to have a lot of human shadow and it's ugly in a way. I have the impression that the fact someone wants to share such things with someone else it is toxic, creepy and enmeshing.
Can you talk more on romantic fixation/fantasy & about when it's particularly intense & is a pattern. Also, more on healthy sexuality (especially about using casual sex/booty calls as a bandaid for the lonelines I feel)
Limerence sucks... I have broken up with my BF who was distant, he has cptsd and I have too. I've met someone else, this is so different and feels so healthy. Everything is going slower with this man and I feel seen and connected. Slowly building a relationship.
But my ex bf now sends me messages everyday. He shares his experiences of his day, I don't initiate these, I don't decline, I reply. It confuses me, because I wished this when we were together and got an angry response. It triggered my cptsd big time. I did not trust him at all.
It was better to go no contact...
Tonight he asked me if I am seeing someone else. I froze... I denied, why?! I am so happy with my new bf and he feels so safe. And still I reply my ex without being honest. I feel ashamed because I am afraid what he will think about me moving on so fast. And I felt drained in the relationship, unseen, not wanted, respected, no connection. And now I feel guilty! And I avoid honesty. Why? I don't understand...
This sounds like a potential letter: hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com just a thought :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
I relate to this so much, it’s crazy 🥲
Dear Martin, Anna, and comment community who read this,
I'm writing in a letter-like style so that it gets a little less impersonal.
I don't really like exposing myself on comments, but I feel this is a safe space. Just pardon me if my wording reads weirdly, as English Is not my 1st language.
I've been watching many of Anna's videos, and they've been REALLY helpful. This was the one that shaked me the most, and I'm writing to share my experience and gratitude and also to kinda "wrap up" my learnings in words so that I internalize better.
I had a similar experience, a 'situationship' with a guy I met in 2019 at work (not giving details but he was kinda my subordinate) . We started hanging out every week, and I fell terribly in love. He wasn't really loving and considerate with me, but I didn't mind, as he never promised me anything (🚩🚩🚩), and it was purely sex for him. I confessed my feelings (more than once, actually), and he shot the classic 'Well, you're awesome but I want to be alone". (🚩🚩 Again). I then proceed to be as far from him as I could, but we had the same social circle, and I would still see him every week. Needless to say, I continued going out with him, casual style, even though he and I knew it was not what I wanted.
And the part that I really identified with in Martin's story is when he says something like "I enabled her to treat me like that". You know, I spent one year with this guy in this terms ( I even changed a little my outfits, my personality, even my taste in music to see if he "would fall in love with me" ), and then, after realizing the little value he'd give me, I spent another year, maybe more, feeling guilty for letting he treat me like this. I was treating him as the innocent one!
I really thought he was a friend, but started observing when he wanted my presence, and started to realize that I couldn't really count on him if I had problems to solve or emotional battles and needed a shoulder to cry on. He was like a 'beer friend', at most. And I only started to lose feelings for him when I stopped caring about what he 'would think' if I went away. Been months without contact and still feel addicted, wanting to know what he's doing and all. I feel exactly like that: just one more day without talking to him, go girl, you can!. It's tiring, you know, all this one-sided effort is unfair.
What I learned from all this is that, looking back, I got lost from myself to please someone, but, just like in the video's story, there was, like, a perception that something was wrong all the time, ever since the first time I got sad over sth small.
I really wish, Martin, (and y'all who want to), that you find someone who treats you well and is good to you and your kids.
AND I thank you, Anna, so much, for creating this content that makes us better people and that incentivates us to spot and put better people in our lives.
Kisses from Brazil 😘
Thanks for sharing with us and sending Martin support :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
wow. finally a video that sounds exactly like the mindset i put up with... the memory of those days feels like poison in my veins.
Yes it’s called love addiction - it’s a real thing!
There are 12 step meetings
Men & women !
I’ve been in two relationships in the last five years that were trauma bonded and triggered my love addiction
It’s awful- withdrawal sux !
Honestly. Extreme fearful avoidants / Cluster Bs are so stressful. They can't help themselves. I'm so sorry for them, which makes it really hard to dislike them. But it hurts so bad.
"So she's just sitting there, like with a fishing pole just casting out with her hook: c'mon Martin, c'mon, come back to me, but with a hook. Not love. There's nothing here that's love, you know that, right? This is not love, this is consumption." - Absolutely cracked me up! xD Thanks.
New age spirituality plus mental (un)health …. Not a good combination. People literally will wrap situations up in pretty words …. Or in things they make sound profound , and do so much harm and manipulating.. let me finish this video though… I already am just mortified with her… and I feel sorry for him but …. She’s giving you golden tickets buddy. I hope you learn and actually develop after this. Believe actions and pure energy . Not Mombojumbo ..
Powerful powerful stuff - getting entangled with these types puts people in a different category. Just getting over the addiction of the chemical cocktail produced in the brain from the roller coaster ride and the peptide addition is no different than getting off heroine or any other substance ( heroine is the most challenging as are the cluster b ). I hope you stay single Martin and heal before engaging again so you don’t do a repeat. Sounds like you got lucky with only a 3 mos stent - many like me do a few years and repeat the cycle a few times in many different ways - many don’t get out at all and lose themselves completely. This channel is amazingly helpful - I knew I had trauma but this whole CPTSD symptoms list is spot on and I know I’ve had these issues most of my life - decades. I am 53. I wonder how if I ever had adhd ..I’ve learned disassociation looks like adhd as well as does trauma! Thanks Crappy Childhood Fairy ! ✌️
P.s ..I hear borderline / narc in the behaviors
Were you abused by women in relationships?
Thank you this was very helpful.
Enmeshed - no oxygen from the outside world. Really good stuff.
As a fearful-avoidant myself, I think this woman is bonkers. She’s prolly got a little more than fearful avoidance going on 🤨
So sad that these type of people exist. This girl’s behavior is infuriating and like you said, exhausting. 😡😮💨
giving away your power....have never been sure what that means.....
seriously....is that even possible. how does it get depleted?
This is totally my life! As a solo mum… working hard to have boundaries , especially for my kids! But still getting sucked in by fantasy guy’s!!! I’m trying soooooo hard to do all the right things. I am a C~ptsd nightmare lol. I am my problem…. I am working on it 😅
Please pat yourself on the back all C-ptsd family… we’ve got this❤❤❤❤ if you are still trying to work it out like me (@50) you are a soldier!!! Xx Kia Haha from NZ ❤️