The power of loneliness
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- Опубліковано 3 сер 2024
- A lil controversial.... a lil radical.... a lil bit alexis. Use code KATHEROUT for $20 off your first SeatGeek order.
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TIME STAMPS //
0:00 - a warning
1:17 - seatgeek sponsored friendship
3:39 - reframing loneliness
8:39 - how loneliness serves me
15:26 - unsolicited advice on how to fix things
20:07 - ritualizing social interactions
22:46 - we need structural change
she/her.
BUSINESS INQUIRIES: katherout@gmail.com - Навчання та стиль
appreciate you so much miss kath!! 💛 you’re the organized extrovert bestie that everyone deserves
🥺🥺🥺 ily
your advice about being yourself around everyday interactions was so true! There is a local grocery employee in my area and we regularly exchange greetings each week but this past trip instead of just saying “good” to his “how are you?” I genuinely answered and we had a great chat about what was going on in our lives! It was so refreshing and I’m actually excited for my next shopping trip to talk with him again :)
YES like once that familiarity is established it can be a budding source of comfort in your life!!
I love your vocabulary?! You speak in such a different fashion than pretty much everyone I’ve known and it adds a layer of interest to your (already very engaging) content
omg i’ve been told this before - word choice is fun for me i suppose..
Also I have really enjoyed Bumble BFF. It is so easy to approach people just being yourself because we're all on there wanting friendship. And you can explain you want a new kayak buddy, foodie friend, or looking for more close friendships in general. It's been a really encouraging experience, especially for me - a 28 year old single introverted homebody 😅
love to hear that!! we need more stories like these
So Bumble BFF is just for trying to find like minded people to do stuff?
I started getting into board games and found a local discord group, put myself out there and now we’re three weeks in of meeting up new people and having wonderful connections. Loneliness was that fire that I needed to get out of my comfort zone
THAT’S SO WONDERFUL!!! so true in my case, too - it is a fire that burns you to do something
It's powerful to learn how to be alone for a while, it can become too comforting though, but don't completely isolate yourself forever, because it messes you up.
I like to interact and talk to people who share the same experiences, interests and life experiences as I do, that aren't mainstream.
I like talking about life topics, social topics, internet rabbit holes, art, tech, games, shows etc.
I've realized that I get along well with women than men, and im a man saying this, and i've always felt weird about it, but I somehow always befriend women wherever I go. Maybe thats why im here lol.
Happy Sunday Katherine.
Maybe I might join your patreon!
Babe wake up, Katherout posted!! (I yell into the void…)
You are literally always able to speak to what’s on my mind. LOOVE the idea of Close Friends Conferences; it’s always bugged me how without concentrated effort, I wouldn’t see some of my favorite people until big life events. The reframing of “urgency” into “leadership” is major. Will be referencing this video in perpetuity.
as someone who references things in perpetuity as well that is a HIGH compliment
Something unhealthy that I've unfortunately stumbled into is assuming that close friendships will always be there even if I decide to take myself out of social interactions. I was in a somewhat depressed state, and I didn't want to be around anyone for over a year. But in the back of my mind, I always thought I have had these friendships that have been there for over a decade, I assume that they will always love and respect me and vice versa. That gave me a sense of comfort to get me through what I was going through. But after I've started to be a little social again, I've been recognizing how much work it takes to regain the same level of friendship. I still believe they have my back, but it is just not the same anymore, and its just painful.
be gentle with yourself! depression hugely shifts our capacities and it sounds like you’re already making the changes you want to see in your life!
“Each emotion is a piece of your humanity” - love this!! One of the worst part of negative emotions is having negative emotions ABOUT those negative emotions. Trying to coach myself out of that mindset
@@verkanntoderverwunschen awww I love that I struggle with crying even when I'm alone I don't want to cry, but I love this acceptance and its so true negative emotions about negative emotions is half of the pain. I do like to have dramatic classical music while crying, helps feel the emotions of the music and gives such main character vibes lollll
I think you hit on a good point that we are so well connected over social media with really interesting people but we’re physically separated from each other, leading to feelings of alienation and loneliness. Way to close the gap!
totally!! if instagram is gonna roll out another feature to keep us on the app might as well use it to get off the app into real life with each other
This video was so much better than I expected it to be, when I read the title. I really hope the romanticization of loneliness era is over, especially with the effects of the pandemic. Like, yes, sit with loneliness and listen to what it's telling you, but also don't isolate and think that's gonna solve your problems (talking to myself from the past, I guess)
it’s such a fine balance to strike because getting more comfortable with your ‘self’ is so important but not the answer to the loneliness epidemic
I resonate with how you feel so much 🙌🏽 being someone who enjoys peoples company yet never sees your friends is so hard
19:17 love this piece of advice! It’s something I’ve been trying to implement. Especially around men, I think I used to cherry pick what I liked to suit what I thought they might like. But now I’m like no, fuck that, I do like crafting and romance books and I don’t even care if we can’t bond over that. It’s very freeing ✨
“providing the leadership to your friendship” i love looking at it that way!
Thanks for the vid kath 💕
You and your channel are such lights here on this platform 💗✨ love you, girl.
this topic of conversation is something I’ve always wanted to talk more about! I love how you talked about things that made me think and you also helped to expand my vocabulary so thank you haha!
It's been so amazing watching your evolution as a person!! Thank you for continuing to share such insightful, introspective, and growth mindset-centered content :')
I would love love love to hear about other podcasts that you recommend!!
Loneliness is really painful for me. However, so is friendship. I'm just a miserable git.
🥂😔
Enjoyed this chapter (as usual). I want to check out that podcast. Also, this is off topic but I love your rings. So excited for the next one!
thank u!! rings are fun
*23:30** it is kinda important to choose a time. the ritual idea, whether we like it or not, matters.* i dont celebrate bdays or xmas etal: but, as you say, it *really* chains you to, what? weddings and funerals? people do not easily all get away at the same time, espec once they have settled down. gr8 biz. love mutual aid. -JC
You would LOVE the book The Happiness Trap. I got it from my therapist and it's all about accepting all emotions, and it dives into why we make up the stories of seeing certain emotions as good/bad/etc. It is such a informative and practical book. It's all about ACT therapy and it's so helpful 💛
I just checked to make sure and this is the book I got from a library book sale! I was curious about the title and it was gonna average out to about 20 cents, so I picked it up. Gonna have to read it sooner that I thought. Thanks for sharing!
@@popcorn1304 I hope it's helpful!😊
I don't know if I just have too many introverted/socially anxious friends (or maybe i'm just cursed to be unable to organize events, i dunno), but I have so much trouble with trying to organize even a casual get-together. That whole, "Hey I'm going to karaoke/having a party/going to our local tavern, who wants to join me?" just never seems to get a reaction.
Any ideas or advice for being more successful at this?
I'm 25 living across the country from where I grew up so I definitely feel the mid-20s loneliness and "friend recession." Makes me feel better that I'm not the only one. I've also definitely found that doing things alone like going to concerts is totally worth the initial awkwardness I might feel.
love this!! I am usually quite the introvert but I really admire the way you organize your hangouts with friends :) It's hard for me to be the initiator sometimes since I feel a weird shame over being "too eager" even though when I do initiate things, I end up having a good time with the other person/persons?? anyways, really opening my eyes here with this vid, thank u lol
Your insights are so valuable. The way you linked loneliness to profit. 👏🏼
I think it's important to distinguish between loneliness and solitude.
YES like i said identifying which emotion is which is huge
Yes, definitely be more open and more yourself with the people working in grocery stores, buses, etc! I started working as a tourist guide at a museum this summer and the people who interact with me as just people are what makes my job so worth it.
Edit: I have now watched the entire video, and it was honestly one of my favourite videos of yours! So many interesting perspectives and ideas. I’m definitely starting a book club now 😄
Saving this as a personal Bible. This is literally one of the only genuinely great videos I've seen on characterizing and quelling loneliness. Seriously, right now, you're being a better shrink than my actual shrink. Thank you.
One of my favorite things the summer before I started college was that a few friends (two brothers) started a pick up choir every week at their house. We would all get together practice a piece or two then go bowling and come back to share some snacks together. It was a blast and a great way to connect regularly in the summer without the structure of school and before many of us went off out of state. It also gave us a group to connect back with over breaks and something to look forward to in those cases. We got pretty good at Baba Yetu from Civ IV and an acapella version of Don’t stop believing, plus one arrangement of O magnum mysterium that I later sung in my college choir, over a dozen years later and I can still sing my alto parts. Haha.
I absolutely need a friend who organizes things like the close friend conferences. (I simply can not be that friend because I am an anxious introvert and planning anything is stressful haha)
How would you navigate being lonely but also being really afraid to open up and allow yourself to connect with (or become attached to) someone that may end up rejecting you at some point? I feel like I've lost so many people that I'm scared to even try to make new friends. I'm tired of hurting. The people who have left me literally haunt my dreams and I don't know how to get past loosing them.
that convo about the fact loneliness exists for structural and economical reasons !!! retweet!!
I'm going thru the same thing with feeling such a lack of connection rn. agree that loneliness is a force that makes you actively take action to form social connections
also your vocabulary is enviable queen
Yeah I really need to start planning trips 😭 this inspired me
thank you for your words
thank you.
This reminded me of a screenshot I took of a super old Instagram story that AOC posted because in it she said that "emotions are information" and honestly that hit me really hard at the time.
The wedding comment!! I was just thinking this!!!
I feel like I don’t have a super hard time with being lonely as an introvert with social anxiety but I definitely miss my friends a lot especially with not living in the same area as any of them. I hope I’m at a place one day where I can go visit them more often. Also need to meet more people in my community
Eating out alone.. thoughts? Pros? cons?
I have come to value the experience of loneliness. I have spent a lot of time in an introverted bubble, being disconnected and not feeling any desire to connect. When loneliness comes over me, it's a sign that I'm alive and human. It gives me a momentary burst of energy which I can channel into seeking connection and creating social structure.
Kinda sad that all these new vids she's making are getting less and less views.
F*cking algorithem😒
I loved this topic! As an extrovert, do you often find yourself being the “inviter” when it comes to peripheral friends? I struggle with this frequently because I feel like the effort/desire to maintain or strengthen these relationships is one sided, but we always have a nice time when I reach out, so I assume the issue isn’t that they simply don’t like me as a person. I guess I wonder whether someone can ever get to the place of being a good friend when they don’t reciprocate invitations and, going along with that, if that scarcity mindset for friendships, as you’ve mentioned before, is a tangible thing for this type of person (because I completely cannot understand not wanting as many friends as possible, as long as you’re mutually benefiting each other in some way).
i recently listened to a podcast from the atlantic on this and have really accepted being the initiator! what you said is spot on - so many folks appreciate the reach outs every time and are rarely thinking about the imbalance.
@@Katherout Could you please share the link to the podcast ? Thank you ;)
I've been wanting to know-what temporary hair dye brand and color did you use? plan to watch the rest of the video later, but appreciate all the content of late :)
*if you live alone...who is that behind you o_0...* oh, nm. it's a mirror. gr8 vid. -JC
As someone who’s turning 31 in like a week and has never lived alone or even BEEN alone but MAYBE two or three times in my life… I’m in my leeeeeeave me ALONE phase! I’ve *always* treasured being “alone” aka everyone being asleep in the house. But when they’re GONE and I don’t have to tiptoe and have a light layer of anxiety because of someone waking up or being in my space or something? I am in absolute BLISS.
I haven’t ever left because I started caregiving for my mom as soon as I graduated college. And in college I was a commuter.
Just ready to have alone time. Actually asked to be left alone for my birthday but don’t know it it’ll happen lol.
wow, I hope you can get that solo b-day
luckily, I got to do that for myself this year -- the whole day was spent hiking solo but then afterward, there was a dinner with those who wished to gather & celebrate
feel soooo similarly about living environments, and that’ll come up in a future video. it’s so wonderful when i can identify when i’m enjoying my alone time vs when i’ve gone too far - that’s definitely what i’m striving for is the right balance cause i definitely like my time alone as well
@@allyson-- thank you! I hope so too. And same, I wanna meet for brunch with the family and then be able to say okay byyyyyeee!! for the day haha!
@@Katherout totally get it! It’s a journey (that’s so worth with!), but the better balance and self-awareness of your needs and such is so necessary. Probably why I so desperately wanna be alone for a long time right now haha!
And yes! For me personally, I’m grateful to be living with family… aaaand it’s making me realize more and more that I’d like to work toward not living up under someone. The idiosyncratic tendencies and people doing things like just existing in the kitchen when I wanna get down in there cooking truly irks me! I probably sound like an old grump 😂
All my good good friends live over 6 hours away from me but I feel so close to them still because one 1. Snapchat streaks and 2. We call each other at least once a month, if not more often
I try to go on solo trips every weekend bc i have nobody to come with me. I struggle with sadness bc when i ask my sis or friends to come i feel like I’m forcing them to come. It’s lonely but sometimes i love it and other times i wish i had a friend
I was fine alone until suddenly im not. Imma try to get roommates next year, after 2 years of living alone.
But goddamn is it hard to find decent roommates
hearddd
I consider myself as an intervirted person but after a period of closing on myself I have a bigger need to socialize and making plans
I was just thinking damn I am getting way too lonely. Either my phone reads my mind or Sunday evening is time to feel lonely...
neverrrr make your mind up about your life on a sunday night lol it’s advice i need to take to heart myself
I have wanted to "marry" my friends since first grade LOLOL love that people have the same ideas... we need to take this to parliament frfr
caroline polachek reference yesss stream 'Pang'
glad u caught that..
Hi Ho! 😂 Hi Kath!!
wowowowoowowowow loved this video and yes i would love to know how you would restructure society
omg
Never trust any woman who claims she likes being alone
23:07 - uhhh, yes please. :)
P.S. 24:06 - eep! ;)
please make a video about your ideal of societal organization. we need more imagination about what a better society can look like
Definitely want to hear your utopian ideas and political rant. I LOVE the wrong boys and I’d love to hear your spin
Oh this word is so prominent in my life…very curious to watch your thoughts on loneliness
Oufff! Im early 😁🤗
I’m 40.. I wish I could do that now. What a cool idea
Can you do an update video on how you feel about Seattle, now that summer is here? I recently lived there for 2 months and fell so much in love😭
summer will do that to you… i’m going to film a Q&A / reflection so lemme know if you have specific questions!
@@Katherout granted I went to Seattle 2 times before during the winter and absolutely cannot think of living there.. but then again the summer T_T
I want to get married to all of my friends too that’s a good way to put it 😂 I always said that my wedding is gonna be the most lit party ever but honestly why wait?? The time is nowwww
Moving to a new country has forced me to evolve from 100% introverted to 52% lol, no one is here to support me if I don’t go out there and put in the effort to meet people. That being said not everyone of my now friends are open to emerge social circles which is very strange to me :(((
i am hopeful that they’ll get there!
Such a cool Woman... and gorgeous, too.
i feel really lonely i am going into first year uni what should i do for strong social systems
It’s good it give you time to look in your life I think 🤔 4:32
PLEASE share your ideas on how you'd organize a Utopian society 🙂💗✨ I truly believe we all need to utilize our imaginations more and invest our time and energy into dreaming up our dream society and less time and energy on despairing about how awful our current society is, although that is also a valid way to spend your time!
I was in Tahoe on the same weekend teehee!! My follow-up q is how do you all make itinerary decisions for group trips like that? I had a friend who wanted to be in my car and then hijacked my plans 😵💫
24:00 Nice rant. Excellent topic. You suggest that society needs more structural change to address loneliness. You also suggest that lonely people are turning to the internet for para-social relationships. I agree with the structure, but maybe the internet is the structural change necessary to address loneliness. Maybe para-social relationships are as good as it gets. It's the ultimate relationship that can last a lifetime and be there whenever you need it.
I was around before the internet. Loneliness was a big issue back then as well. Except there wasn't a way for people to share their stories of loneliness as easily as they do now. So we suffered in silence. I'd say the internet has made the world less lonely. Before the internet, people who could read would get their para-social fix with books, magazines, comic books, poetry, and letters.
It's possible that loneliness is an epidemic because human beings are naturally anxious. It's an emotional thing. This anxiety requires them to construct an anxiety buffer zone (or bubble) around them, in order to deal with the emotional intensity inherent in a relationship. It's hard for human beings to not be lonely because they're always in a bubble. The arms length distance created by para-social relationships, could be popular for a good reason.
I'd love to hear your utopian ideas about how to organize society!
This Video confirms that Progressive Women are the Prettiest💓
so happy to see srsly wrong spotlighted
Would love to hear any utopian views you have here or on patreon!
I would LOVE to hear your utopian ideas of how to organize society! And I kind of wish you’d left the political tangent in, haha, because I’m really interested in your political thoughts. (I do get why you took it out, though. I guess it wasn’t thematically relevant enough to the rest of the video.)
y'all .... are there any katherout subscribers on the east coast? maybe we can all link up ... lol
Being Lonely is okay, most People cannot deal with being alone because they are empty inside.
ps Have You been on the bike trial that goes from Magnolia to the Downtown Waterfront? Besides the Interurban Trail it is the best.
So your urge to make that trip up was bc your friend left so you were going through dopamine withdrawal and got lonely and depressed? Sometimes you have to sit and be at peace instead of filling the void with people and trips...
I’m 32 and it feels like now it’s impossible to even get one friend to hang out I am so jealous of all the spontaneity your mid 20s can be🥹 I’m married but don’t want children so I am getting left behind rapidly