I'm in recovery after 20 years as an insecure overachiever
Вставка
- Опубліковано 3 сер 2024
- rehabilitation from all my conditioning. the first 1,000 people to use this link will get a 1 month free trial of Skillshare: skl.sh/katherout05211
Gravel Institute: • Richard Wolff: How You...
David Graeber: theanarchistlibrary.org/libra...
Indigenous resources: ndncollective.org/
therednation.org/
bookshop.org/books/braiding-s...
White supremacy & urgency: justleadwa.org/2020/04/29/whi...
⚡️instagram: / katherout
⚡️spotify: open.spotify.com/user/1225150...
⚡️twitter: / katherout
⚡️ask me: kather0ut.tumblr.com/ask
TIME STAMPS //
0:00 - 1-800-neurotic
0:31 - an overachiever?? in THIS economy?
2:53 - a message from our sponsor
5:09 - why are we like this??
5:55 - a flashback to a dark time
7:18 - my villain origin story
9:28 - the stratification of our school system
10:35 - getting hooked on validation
12:03 - my first attempt at breaking free from overachievement
14:56 - getting sucked back in at my big tech job
17:46 - the consequences
19:20 - my underachiever era begins
19:45 - the labor theory of value
21:25 - bullshit jobs
22:21 - i'm not just an overachiever about work... it affects everything in my life
24:10 - it's not on you, though
26:50 - a letter from my 8-year-old self
28:36 - what about you??
she/her.
BUSINESS INQUIRIES: katherout@gmail.com - Навчання та стиль
Guilty of this too! Now instead of basing my self-worth on achievement, I’m realizing my ultimate purpose in this life is simply to have fun, grow & help others when I can. Just running on vibes at this point lol 🤷🏽
RUNNING ON VIBES!!!
I'm trying to be more conscious about not using work as small talk. In so many cultures the first thing we ask one another is "what do you do for a living?" It chips away.
It’s really sad how so many countries (especially the US) have normalized this behavior. When I traveled through Europe, it was so refreshing to be asked “where are you from?” and shown genuine interest in my life beyond my labor. Work simply isn’t as central to people’s identity there which was extremely validating.
@@ZaidsMusic yeah. When you realise it doesn't have to be this way...wow. I'm from the UK - it's still a problem here - but Katherine's experience is really eye-opening
@@paulagibson7079 Oh yeah that is so important to me. And you can have so much more interesting conversations.
As someone who is in school to be an elementary school teacher, I am very conscious of this differentiation that happens and how aware students are of it- I am going to work very hard to praise students on things OTHER than academics and show them they have so much value outside of that. Thanks for the video!!
so so essential!!! i know tons of teachers who are aware of how capitalism bleeds into academia and actively encourage their students beyond it.
Aww I wish little me had you as a teacher! 😭💞
Cringing looking back at my FIRST GRADE self being sorted into the advanced reading group and thinking how embarrassing it must be to be in the “slow” group 🤦🏻♀️…reading and writing became a massive part of my identity from then on out (and are still my biggest passions to this day) and I ~can’t help but wonder~ if that would have ever happened if I had been designated as a “bad reader” 17 years ago…
do we like the things we're good at or are we good at the things we like???
!!!! The Matthew Effect!
this is so fascinating to me. i’m on the complete other end of the spectrum where i was apart of the “slow” reading group (undiagnosed learning disability) and am such an avid reader now. that experience definitely gave me a major inferiority complex but a wild work ethic bc i never wanted to feel shame like that again. !!!!!! gotta love those formative years !!!!!
Well, from my experience as the "bad reader", I'm now at a top boarding school and learned to read by playing video games
@@NANA-su5ql I learned to read from comic books.
Such a great video. Not only does that dopamine hit for validation run out so quickly, but once it runs out, the opposite reaction is much worse. I was always praised for being smart and overachieving, but once I started to show signs that I might be failing, every small ounce of judgement made me more insecure, more worried, and on the verge of breaking down every single time. It's worse when all of those judgemental comments eventually pile up into an actual argument with someone. They'll start comparing you to your past self, and you have no option to accept who you are now. Even if you have a healthy mindset about it, that you accept yourself, and you're working to make yourself better, convincing others about it will be the worst part. I don't know if anyone related to any of this, but it's how I've felt.
I relate to this. I attend a prestigious and competitive high school so i have to constantly prove that i am still like my past self that was doing well but really it only hurts me.
100% became an overachiever because I was desperate to jump to a higher social/economic class. I grew up in poverty and didn't think I had another option but to work insanely hard and be as high-performing and high-earning as I possibly could be. I wasn't perpetuating anything my parents did, just trying to sprint away from them and their place in the world. I still struggle with this because... what else could I have done!? I had to be exceptional or I would've stayed in poverty. There's a high level of guilt that I feel for my privilege, for having the option to work hard enough to get a scholarship and go to a high-ranking college. The chasm between my current situation and my upbringing is still growing and I guess I expected to feel better about it, but mostly I just want to burn the whole f***ing thing down. Most places you can find yourself in this system feel shitty because they are!! Opt out altogether and you're the most f***ed. What a complicated mess. I'm happy to be in a different mindset, because the alternative was literally going to kill me, but I'm soooooo disillusioned. Thanks for the solidarity. It's something. ♡
Omg. I really feel this. I’m a college student and tbh my main goal is to get out of poverty and to make a comfortable life for me and my family. I’m really grateful tho to see these discussions before I graduate because I already know that I will not survive constantly trying to prove myself
Honestly I think that you should just feel self-compassion and grief. Self-compassion because you only ever did what you saw as your way out of misery. Grief because you had to do that in the first place, because the world is unfair and you shouldn't have ever needed to put yourself through too much. And I hope you can have the wisdom and support to be able to know when those survival mechanisms don't serve you anymore, and the profound love to helps us unfuck this world however feels more natural to you.
I relate to this SO DEEPLY
This is incredibly relatable.
My dude, I cannot articulate how much I relate to you. I'm currently 6 months away from graduating with a masters in data science and I am T I R E D. I'm rapidly losing motivation for class work, internship work, TA work, etc. Why do I pile so much on my plate thinking it'll make me full? I simply don't have the energy to consume it all.
You saw her other video about not wanting a dream job or a career video? Regretting something ur currently & being mentally, physically drained is not good at all.
sometimes u have to go with ur gut.. sometimes u gotta revaluate urself.
Wow I resonate with so much of this. The "smart one" becoming my identity, the mental health crisis that finally put a crack in that overachieving mindset, the doubling down (lol), the corporate disillusionment and being haunted by Bullshit Jobs. I'm trying to do things differently now...but old habits of perfectionism die hard. Thank you for this video!
they REALLY do die hard but there's a huge group of us pushing back
I feel so similarly. I am a perfectionist. Valedictorian of my high school, 4.0 GPA in college. Now at the age of 31, I feel so lost in life. I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like I’m failing. I hope to learn how to stop tying my identity to my achievements. Thank you so much for your video 🙂
I was a straight A student all through high school who started at a local community college due to finances. During spring of senior year some of my teachers were actually mad at me for not applying to any universities (it was a low/mid-income area public school without a ton of college-centered support) and that’s when I started actually thinking about elitism and capitalism as a concept that affects every aspect of our lives. This made me angry - why were they mad about me going to a more accessible institution? But their response also spurred me to be a high achiever college, transfer to a top university out of spite, and now I’m pursuing a prestigious profession. So it’s weird to think about and sort out what all my motivations are. Thanks for always making honest content and sharing recommendations with us :)
as an overachiever currently at cc I really appreciated seeing this :-)
Personally, even as early as elementary school, like 1st or 2nd grade, I started to realize that some of my peers were "better" than me. I think there is some form of social hierarchy in early childhood that can carry over into adolescence and adulthood. I grew up in a chaotic situation surrounded by substance abuse, and my siblings and I were neglected. We were eventually removed from that situation, and when we were, I began to do much better in school. I remember at the end of third grade, my teacher told me privately I had gotten the highest score in my grade on a reading test. I got hooked on this praise FAST, and I overworked myself in school to get that praise from my teachers. It became a huge part of my identity because adults told me all the time I had "defied the odds" given my situation; my educational achievement set me apart from my family in a way that was central to how I valued myself. In highschool and college, the times where I have struggled have absolutely rocked my self-esteem. I am still trying to let go of the pressure I put on myself to do well in school when I am not doing well. My education is a life raft- but it is not everything.
I have been subscribed to your channel since 2014, and your videos helped me apply for college and financial aid. Your videos helped me navigate the process with virtually no help from adults in my life, and they helped me actually GET to attend college. I really appreciated this video. Thank you for always being authentic- your content has had a positive influence on my life for a long time!
This came at a good time. I had literally just opened the rejection email from an internship I’d been hoping to get when I saw the notification that this video had been uploaded. Listening to you talk about this stuff helped remind me how important it is to stay grounded and remember that landing a cushy gig really isn’t the end all be all.
where you work has no reflection on your worth/your potential!!
I’m a chronic under achiever and goodness does your breakdown of what over achieving did to you make me feel better about it.
Dear Kath,
I'm a longtime viewer who has watched you go through this process (while I went through it myself pretty much simultaneously). Thank you so, so much for always finding a way to articulate these things so well!
5 or so years ago, I interviewed you for a college lifestyle magazine I interned at called Study Breaks. We chatted about your success in both academics and youtube, and what went into balancing it all. It's truly wild as hell to think back on now--I'm very happy that we (and many others) have re-evaluated some things since then lol!
As always, thank you for sharing!
Josie
OMG hello josie i remember that interview!!! so glad we're following each other along a similar road :)
I had this red pill moment during my last year of high school. In the past, I thought my purpose was to please and exceed the expectations of my teachers. Teachers not liking me would have had a huge blow to my ego. So, I started getting near-perfect grades, and anytime my teachers commended my academic achievements, that gave me a high, incenvitizing me to continuously perpetuate this agonizing cycle of working hard. I grinded like a robot and continued this behavior for 3 years, constantly pleasing my teachers and studying for hours in the night that left me with virtually no sleep. That until my last year when I burnt out and suffered with social anxiety and extreme depressive, suicidal episodes. My mental health has tanked so much that I lost motivation to go to school and study! It was absolute hell. But then I had an epiphany: What if I just let myself be? What if I just focus less on grades and school and more on myself and my relationships? So I did. And let me tell you, my performance in school tanked a bit by letting myself get reasonably lower grades but I never felt so much better overall. I never felt such mental clarity in years. I felt like the pressures to overachieve dissipated from my system and I was able to gradually unravel my authentic identity and purpose on the world. I did not want to attach my ego on grades and on academic achievements that are wholly arbitrary, because I know that once I start that spiral of constantly working to no end, ultimately I'll just be mentally beating myself up for unnecessary reasons. I would love to just have fun, grow, and help others. And now, I'm in a university where classes operate on a pass/fail system and are not dictated by a letter grade. This allows me to underachieve to just pass the class without the pressures. I'm much happier and more relaxed now than I ever was 4 years ago :)
this resonates soooo deeply
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you, Katherine. I watched your videos years ago when we were both in that corrupt mindset of over-achieving. I was one of the people who unsubscribed and went on that journey and somehow found my way back to you, and you have no idea how amazing it feels. It feels like I've met up with a long-lost friend and we've both changed but FOR THE BETTER. Your unpacking these unhealthy exterior validations has helped me immeasurably unpack my own. Thank you so much for unmasking the capitalistic, imperialistic, and white supremacist undertones that root the overachiever view. It is so crucial that you said that being an overachiever is NOT inherently a part of you and your DNA, but is merely a way that we all reacted to the circumstances around us. That was the pivotal stimulus for rerouting my self-worth and stripping away my insecurities of unproductivity. I personally had a villain arc so insanely similar to yours, and watching your videos these days is like a catharsis for me (or a KATHARIs ahhaha). Purging and cleansing of who I used to be. I seriously cannot thank you enough, Katherine! All of us are on this journey together, I'm so excited to see how we keep growing
I figured this out after college. Don't be like me guys: I did amazing in undergrad, but did not develop socially or in other ways like I should have. I had no hobbies or stress outlets during undergraduate. Now, it's my second year out and I'm still a little bit burned out. The other thing I hate about this lifestyle is the people you attract into your life, who are unnecessarily competitive. I think these are all very American things to experience.
Not necessarily, it is very universal all related to your environment
Since hitting total burnout right before the pandemic hit which reignited the ME that I thought I had recovered from... THIS. I'm not thrilled that it took me until 31 to hit rock bottom, and certainly not thrilled that I now live with a life limiting condition as my 'souvenir' from my overachiever days, but I'm finding peace with the fact that I have got there eventually. My overachiever/perfectionist/productivity addicted self was raised by a man who had received very little maternal or paternal love, but was always praised for academic and career progression, so that's the only kind of attention he knew to lavish on his own kids. It's the only way my sister or I knew to get any kind of positive feedback from him. 33 year old me is now doing a heck of a lot of gentle and compassionate healing, and hearing your story helps to solidify my commitment to living life differently from here on out. Thanks for sharing!
Katherine, I can't express to you how much I love this video and how it deeply resonates with me. I grew up in the Bay Area too, and felt this need to achieve as much as possible until it was the only source of my happiness. I spent most of high school and college overworking myself and being in a constant state of anxiety with no healthy stress outlet. Thinking about that period of my life makes me so sad now. Fortunately, after college, something clicked and I transitioned from being a delusional overachiever to a cynical and somewhat depressed underachiever. I am still struggling through this transition, but you are such an inspiration to me right now. Thanks for sharing your story, it's comforting to know I am not the only one :)
yes yes yes love this. Former gifted student turned obsessed about my numbers worker. I am obsessed with positive feedback and am trying so hard to erase that from my personality because it worsens my anxiety. I started watching you when feeling burnt out from college a few years ago and I’ve loved seeing your journey
I am a first generation and undocumented student. Ever since I can remember I tried my best at translating bills or health documents for my family at an elementary school age. I even had lessons to teach them English. I knew I had to work twice as hard to get anywhere. I hit a wall of being so burnt out that my body was breaking down. I had to get my gallbladder removed. I thought I learned my lesson but here I am burnt out again and my mental health is struggling. Cheers to recovering workaholics!
Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability in this video. As someone who was sorted into the slow reading group, the insecurity hits hard in adult life. Once you have success, there’s so much fear that it all could go away. For me, that fear translated into over working myself until burnout. This system…ugh.
im a freshman in college rn and watching this video has made me realize how ambitious i’m trying to be and how i am quite literallt doing nothing for myself. i constantly catch me trying to convince myself that the decisions i make are good for me but they’re just good for my reputation, and i am not my reputation. and being one of tje only ones from my highschool who didn’t get into a prestigious college, i constantly find myself trying to stretch myself thin to overcompensate for going to a state school which is terrible. ur awesome, thank u for this video it quite literally has saved me.
I've only been following you since your newer videos, but looking back at your videos, it seems like you've changed a lot in the last year or so, and I'm happy for you! It seems like you're a lot healthier now mentally and emotionally. Thank you for sharing your experiences with you. I love videos like this.
I almost pushed myself to a burnout while writing my master thesis. After the submission I was appaled at how far I was willing to go to deliver according to my standards (which were super high). I had a sudden realization that the reason why I had been conditioned to put so much value on academic achivements, was because that was what I was praised for growing up. I have put some nice boundries on my working hours now and try to give more focus to other parts of life, although recovering from this mindset will take some time. I am grateful for my near burnout because I think I needed that wake-up call to finally realize that I did not want to work that hard anymore. Thanks for sharing your story. It really resonated.
I feel like we have been growing up at the same time. Long ago, I watched your videos for motivation, and now, I too am unlearning that my productivity is my worth.
❤️❤️❤️
this is so interesting to me because i grew up in a very similar hustle culture-y environment on the east coast, but somehow never ended up subscribing to it? i could never figure out why that was because it wasn't like I was more woke than everyone else, I wasn't thinking very deeply about it either, but when you mentioned the dopamine hits it started to make sense to me, because I never felt that! the praise never made my brain feel that way, so i guess that's why I never felt as motivated to chase "achievement" more. Maybe my brain is just broken. Anyway thanks for the very insightful video!
interesting you say that, because it seems like there are some that are just more cognitively susceptible to hustle culture and praise. as someone with adhd, aka absolutely no dopamine in my brain, the dopamine hits of praise and academic validation were so intense for me that it felt like an addiction.
I feel the same way!! I was the kid with a high reading level that got placed into the “gifted program” in 4th grade but I feel like I never felt this affect. I just thought, ooh this is fun :) I don’t know why, but for my whole life I have been blissfully unaware of the people around me, I naturally just paid no attention to them and apparently this is not what most people experience. I’m very grateful for it honestly. I literally have zero bad memories from middle school (well, zero good memories too, I pretty much don’t remember anything from those years) because I just.. floated through it and forgot that there were other people around me to compare myself to. I’ve noticed this about myself a while ago, but I still can’t really explain its cause or why my experience was so different. I also am someone who really values my free time, I find it impossible to be super hard on myself to the point where I work and work for 15 hours straight, and I’m grateful for that too!
@@handitover. That's also an interesting perspective, because I was definitely affected by judgement in other areas of my life - just not academically. I cared deeply about the judgement from my peers but not at all about the judgement of my superiors (teachers) if that makes sense?
Such a great video! I bet so many people relate! I feel like i had this realization when i graduated college and started working and realized that doing the bare minimum is actually okay many times. I will work harder towards promotion or specific things but i have become very strong on where i put my boundaries. I don’t want work to become the biggest part of my identity, i think there are so many other better places within yourself and outside of work where to find identity and validation
LOVE TO HEAR THIS!!!
Thank you so much for making this video. I feel just like you, and to see someone so honest and relatable is so amazing. It gives me peace. Your video essays are an amazing, beautiful thing. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing Katherine :) It goes to show how important it is to add those boundaries and really pace yourself with work & life
kath, your videos always come at the right time! thank you so much for this video. I really needed it, and I couldn't relate more!
Love this podcast style, thanks for sharing kath!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings Katherine. You’re so wise and empathetic, it radiates off of you 💜 it feels so liberating for coming to these realizations and becoming who you truly are! Thank you for helping me on my own journey with this, your insight is so powerful! Sending love and positivity everyone’s way 💜
This has to be one of your best video 👏 I reasonnate so deeply with this content. My therapist is trying to get me out of my obsession with performance, having you going over your experience is soo helpful.
Also the title and thumbnail are so on point, I wish you all the success with this one - you deserve it!!
As always, loving your content, looking forward to your next videos 😍
thank you so much valerie
Really moved!! Thank u!
I love this. Thank you for creating your content and sharing your mind with the world. I too struggled with this and am in that same space you are in as well. I am learning who I am and nurturing it instead of yelling at it. Thank you for sharing this.
Ugh Katherine THANK YOU for making this content! It is so unbelievably refreshing, validating and eye-opening as someone who has also struggled with being an over-achiever all my life. I was thinking back to when I was put in "advanced" math groups and classes and blah blah and this connected the dots for me as to when that conditioning all started. The journey of learning to value yourself for more than just your productivity is so healing. Much love!
So glad you’ve made this progression and allowed us to grow with you. I was a long time subscriber in your “overachiever” period and actually unsubscribed for a year or two because I realized it was negatively impacting my expectations of my own productivity. I’m so glad to be back!
This is such a thoughtful video even 2 years later. Thanks for sharing.
It took me ten years to notice that I actually feel numb, instead of proud when I achieve something, even though in some instances I worked towards that achievement for a decade.
It's interesting
same I always think "obviously you did it, cause otherwise, you would be stupid" so downsizing everything I am achieving
thank you so much for this video!
Thank you so much for being vulnerable and sharing this. I am working towards to be a underachiever as well and this helped me a lot. Much love!!!
This is crazy how much I can relate thank you for articulating this
Thank you so much for sharing this Kath.
This video is amazing. Thank you!
dude i binged your content the summer before going into college (you were like a sophmore or junior then) and immediately ditched it 2 weeks after starting college and becoming a pothead
Yes I’m so excited for this video!!!!
"I was born at a very young age"
...does this imply people are born at different ages, even older ones??? :o
Loved the its always sunny music! (especially the quiet background parts)
hahaha it's a groucho marx reference but philosophically ARE we all born at the same age???
@@Katherout straight facts
Such a good discussion, thank you!
This gave me so much relief. I don't know how I've never seen your channel but I found you from your 26 video which I clicked on because I just turned 26 as well. I'm going through such a similar story and it is so hopeful to see that I'm not alone, between you and other commenters here. I feel like I've spent almost my entire life working myself into the ground just to try to prove to everyone around me that I'm a good person, I really resonated with what you said about how much that gets wrapped up in your whole identity. I just left a business relationship that I was in for the past 4 years that had almost completely sucked the life out of me and I feel like I can finally breathe again. Thank you for sharing these parts of yourself in this way, I just found your channel yesterday and I can't stop watching your content!
Great video… hits home in so many ways.
Wow you basically nailed my entire existence! I found your channel during your social awakening, or whatever you want to call it, and although I haven’t seen what you did before hand I can tell you I’m in the exact same boat. I’m in grad school right now and I dared to let myself do poorly on an exam for the first time in my life. And to my surprise, my world did NOT fall apart! And I honestly didn’t even do that bad in retrospect, I just didn’t prepare myself to death for once. But I digress, it’s nice to see others going through this exact same journey at the same point in their life as me, and that although this is so much individual work I’m not alone in this. Thanks for everything you do (and don’t do!).
i could listen to you for hours! this video was the one that made me hit the subscribe button. thanks for all the important reflections you ignite ♥️
i'm so glad you did!!! welcome :)))
Girl that intro called me OUT 😲 I am super happy I found your channel, I am also on my journey to discover who I am without this compulsive overachieving. I recently made a video about how the pressure to perform at school has ruined my ability to enjoy learning and I think this very closely relates to the points you make in this video. For me my overachieving-ness definitely originated from growing up 'gifted' without actually being officially diagnosed because my parents did not want me to be. This led me to constantly have to prove that I was good enough to 'deserve' the extra gifted kid work (which I REALLY needed to not be bored out of my mind until the point I got properly depressed). I am now working with a psychologist to deconstruct all the false beliefs that have gotten me to this point and trying to encourage other students to develop a healthy attitude towards school with my channel 🥰
I didn't know about your channel until last week or so. I've spent some time watching your videos and I feel very simiiar about a lot of things you talked about. I find it so amazing to see the change not only in your views, but in your "attitude" I guess. In your older videos, you come across so arrogant and stressed to me, but in your newer videos you seem so relaxed and down to earth in contrast. That really gives me confidence, that my views - which greatly overlap with yours as it seems - can't be so wrong as my brain somtimes makes me believe. Thanks for that.
I love all the IASIP songs ! good video!
everything about your story resonates so strongly
caring for your inner child is so powerful!!
Former gifted and talented kid here. I literally grew up low income, created gigantic goals for myself (i.e straight a’s in high school, attended a public ivy, land a job w/six figure salary), completely deteriorated my self esteem and mental health for success and actually meet those goals.
Shockingly I came to the realization after college that not only have I really fucked myself in terms of my personal experiences. I also have to discover who I am at 25 because working hard and striving for success were my only personality traits. Thank god for therapy. PS: I’m and enneagram 8 💀
your videos are sooo on point every time
thank you!!!
Stellar video! As someone who is just about to graduate college and now attempting to navigate the corporate world I needed to hear all this. Almost feeling more anxious now knowing this information whilst still attempting to find some semblance and stability. Thanks, Kat!
Kath, I just graduated from college and I guess the algorithm knew I needed your content! I relate to you on this and many other aspects as well (🙋♀️ California gal, former band kid, chronic illness/mental health struggles, etc.) For me, the achiever mindset became my default because my parents reinforced the idea that I was only worthy of their affection/affirmation when I accomplished something. Getting an award and hearing my teachers give speeches about me in front of my peers was the biggest dopamine hit. I looked for that attention in unhealthy ways everywhere from teachers to crushes to (in hindsight, v creepy) church leaders, to literal applause from an audience in theatre…obviously that doesn’t all end well. Since high school and college, I’ve had to completely re-construct my identity multiple times. I feel that my chronic illness is absolutely tied to perfectionism and burnout, and as much as it sucks to be sick, it has forced me to find my strength and self-worth outside of my output. Watching your old videos (which I’m sure I saw at least one growing up) I see so much of my past self in them, and watching your new videos, I see the type of person I aspire to be. I am so inspired by you and grateful for your channel! Idk if you’ll see this but had to say it nonetheless 💛
kath, as a longtime subscriber THANK YOU so much for this video. i was a complete perfectionist until i burned out in college, and during that time i was super insecure that i was no longer the student that i used to be. i started working in the tech industry last year post grad and have made it a point from the beginning to hold strong on my work/life boundaries since it can be such a slippery slope. i've been working on shifting my mindset away from equating my life's value/purpose to work, thanks to you :')
:'))) i'm so glad you're in this lil community!!!
this is actually incredible. i'm watching selfgrowth in action right before my eyes. i remember watching you when i was in high school and you were in your early college years. i even messaged you on tumblr asking you for advice on college applications. i remember watching your early videos and being so awed at how smart and overachieving you were, but then i kinda stopped watching since i felt so overwhelmed with all the talks of being productive, how to be a perfect student, yadah yadah yadah. i was thinking, "omg, i cannot watch her anymore, she's just too much..." so fast forward to present day, and i see you have a whole new outlook/180 to your career and life, it's really interesting to see this self growth!! i can't wait to see what kind of person you're becoming!
THANK YOU FOR SHARING THIS!!! I'm learning that my overachievement (I see it as a belief that "I am not lovable unless I am perfect") has bled into EVERY single area of my life. Especially my appearance (thx, middle school) and my career (v similar story to you, thx education system).
It's crazy because as soon as I try to say I'm "good enough" in one area and start underachieving, the next thing I know I'm Googling weekly home cleaning routines and adding 15 minute language-learning sessions to my calendar because I suddenly have a NEED to become fluent in two languages. This conditioning is SO deeply embedded in me that it is hanging on for dear life.
Can’t tell you how much I needed to hear a real conversation like this from someone with your experiences. I have a different background, I was never the high achiever in school, but I can relate a lot to your work experiences as someone who is a similar age in corporate America and recently converted leftist.
The funny thing is I grew up with girls just like you, and it’s very interesting to hear the “behind the scenes” details on what being the high achiever was like and what drove you.
My ex-overachiever heart is so thankful for this video. Thank you Kath :)
This is just mind-blowing for me... Thank you
I honestly could not relate to this more. How interesting it is that we have to get to the point of burnout, in order to reassess whether our way of working is "working" for us. I have experienced almost everything that you've spoken about, in exactly same order. All I can say is that it's challenging to break these beliefs, cycles and rules you lived by through the majority of your life. And yet, I couldn't feel happier and freer when I learn for the sake of learning now, and let go of my focus on results. Keep sharing this Kat, because a change like that isn't easy to comprehend, let alone go through. (Speaking for myself) So, to have someone like you that digests it, shows that I'm not alone (and many others, I hope)
Great vid - as many of the other comments have mentioned, I echo many of your points. About 5 years ago I switched things up after joining a new gig. Proud underachiever here. My mental health greatly improved and I started focusing on hobbies I loved when I was younger with the additional time I had not selling my soul to some bullshit job. Oh and The Gravel Institute is one of the best YT channels. Can't believe it only has 300k subscribers!
I super appreciate you not prescribing this for everyone- unfortunately it's not possible to reject this mindset (although it is very opposite to my personality so I do reject where I can), but hustle culture is what allowed me to get out of the foster care system, from drug addicted & abusive parents who actively tried to prevent me from my education and helped me compensate for my ADHD in academia to achieve middle class life from virtually nothing. People's opinions of me affects how much they help me understand foreign class dynamics and mobility strategies I knew nothing about. 🤷🏼♀️ I'm privledged enough now to have some wiggle room with that but it was hurtful to my wellbeing (income, achievement) when I protested too much to it, so the best I do is find the threshold of work needed to achieve the same high results instead of overworking to garuntee results when I can afford to do it.
I’m not going to ask for any details about your abuse but as a fellow late diagnosed ADHD adult how did hustle culture help compensate for ADHD? That’s interesting. Congrats on making it this far! Proud of you!
@@duncanbug I'm going to be replying from my own point of view so it's probably different for the original commenter but I think when you have a neurodivergency you'll find yourself needing more time to reach the same milestones others reach.
Since this need isn't accounted for in traditional school, college and work environments, you might need to compensate and fall into "overachiever territory".
But you can't stop or you'll fail, and if you fail that's your business. No diploma, no degree, no job, no money.
And this is whether you have a troubled family life or not, whether you have a neurodivergency or not, etc.
First video I’ve watched of hers, I immediately subscribed
welcome!!!!!!
God i'm so glad I came across this channel when I was 14. Now i'm 20 and feel like I have been able to learn and grow with you as someone experiencing life a few steps your junior. I graduated from PALY and am currently at WashU and genuinely feel like you word/break-down for me so many of the toxic experiences and internal conflicts I am struggling with every day.
o m f g from 14 to 20 is INSANE we've literally grown up together over the years. thanks for sticking around and getting past the palo alto brain rot
I am from the Bay area, went to school in SOCAL, and now living in Oregon. You are speaking exactly what I am going through right now. In addition, I am going to Seattle this week and would love some food or activities recommendations :)
One of my favorite uploads, wish I'd watched sooner. So happy you're out of those woods and into better ones. I'm late hehe but better late than never right? Anyway, I really want to read that book Bullsh*t Jobs so thank you for suggesting! I was an honor roll student in high school, had a few art pieces in local shows which I was grateful for, but wish I'd volunteered or done a job to have practice time management earlier and whatnot. So, I was kind of just in-between. My mind often trailed off to boys too often ugh :/ which was a waste of time. Undergrad, in-between with a 3.0 and still didn't involve myself or really shoot for what I truly wanted until I got into grad school and realized something was "missing".
This hit home in so many ways. I got conditioned to please my teachers and overachieve in highschool and this carried on to my work life.
Great video, Kath. Made me think about how I came to this point too.
I guess I'll share my own story. Looking back now after I've already written it, it's really long, so I don't expect anyone to actually read it, but it felt good to just put down.
While the culture I grew up in wasn't quite as bad as San Francisco's tech sector (I grew up in sub-rural Oregon), I was ALSO an advanced reading group member starting in the third grade. I was quickly shifted into TAG, advanced math, spelling bees, all that fun stuff. Very quickly I was recognized as one of the "smart kids", and I prided myself on that fact.
I hit a couple of rough patches in high school. I started to falter the moment I hit any sort of real challenge, but still managed to pull out passing scores on all my AP tests. And, being the kid who was "Good at math", I was of course pressured into engineering, rather than teaching like I really wanted to do. Due to my love of video games and computers, I went the electrical route.
I hit my wall in college, a fair bit earlier than you did. Those classes were far harder than anything I'd done before and I had not taught myself the skills required to succeed in that environment. I failed a ton of classes freshman year and really had to rush to catch up to other people who had actually learned those skills. To make it worse, I actively disliked my major, but kept working through it to meet the expectations set on me by family, friends and society. I had reached the point where I realized that being productivity-focused wasn't the lifestyle I wanted, but I also had yet to stop valuing those things. I just started hating myself for not being able to do these things that I, the "smart kid", should have been able to do. I ended up barely graduating, but putting a lot of time in college into my passions rather than my college work, and I found my own form of happiness outside the academic structure, even if I still had that low self-worth from being unable to really "make it" in college like I was expected to.
My first job out of college was for a local firm. They had me working til 8pm regularly for the first six months... but, of course, we were salaried, so we just got paid the same rate no matter if it was 8 or 12 hours. For a while I kept track of how much overtime I'd worked, so once things slowed down I could take easier weeks with fewer hours and feel confident that I'd done the proper amount of work for the money I was earning, but realized quickly that the corporate culture wouldn't really let me work below those 40 hours. The company was so understaffed they needed as many person-hours as they could squeeze out of us. I pulled my share of 12+ hour days and weekend work over the year I worked there. They also refused anyone who didn't have kids the chance to work from home because they didn't trust us to actually do the work, so we were still going into the office every day with only 1-2 people actually regularly wearing their masks around others. At some point I stopped caring about impressing my employers and managers. I made sure I met my deadlines, and went no faster than I had to. I was going to live my own life, work be damned.
This year, after discovering channels like this and other groups that a lot of people in my family would probably deem "radical", I was just done with that. I looked elsewhere and got another job. Bigger company, a lot of the same work, but I get paid more and, more importantly, I actually get paid for the time I put in. It's still not a job I love, but it's one I can survive in better. I am about a month into my time at the new place.
I plan to work like this until I pay off my student loans (since thankfully I'm in a field where I can actually afford to do that in a reasonable time), and I'll decide from there where I want to take my life. Even if I won't be making an engineer's salary any more, I'll still have my degree, which can hopefully help me get my foot in the door wherever I decide to go next. I'm not sure where life will take me by that point, but it's the light at the end of the tunnel that I need to keep going.
Wow. Your origin story sounds so much like my own, it’s scary. I got placed in “Advanced Placement” in SECOND GRADE.
Literally today I got a job rejection and basically decided to take six months off applications. This video really helped me. I've been beating myself up about how hard the job search has been (I graduated in May 2020) but this really helped.
I feel you it’s such a massively draining process
Thank you for making this content. I've always been good at academics and have now a master's degree in physics and I think I tend to identify myself with my academic achievements as well. It hasn't escalated for me, so I'm not burnt out or something (guess I've been lucky) but videos like this make me realise that I might be some illness/accident/whatever renders me incapable of doing what I do right now for a living away from suffering the same way.
resonated a lot with me. bump!
Enjoyed this video so much!! I always felt a lot of shame growing up because being neurodivergent doesn’t really allow me to mesh well with the system in place obvi. I started watching your channel back when you were first starting college and I was hoping watching someone else that could succeed would help me in college to someone be something I never was. I’ve realized over the years and now post college it’s all a trap and that everyone’s success looks different and it’s okay. It really took an eternity to separate my self worth from whatever my career turned out to be. Anyway, I’m excited to see more videos about this stuff! I think it helps a lot of people including myself learn what actually matters in life. ❤️
our education system is so ableist and not built AT all to accommodate neurodivergence!!! it's awful how much that can isolate kids
One of the reasons I’m so grateful to exist in this exact time is because I get to see these videos and conversations before I graduate college.
❤️❤️❤️
I'm so happy for you. I'm going through the same path. When I remember my past self I feel angry, sad and embarrassed. I should not be so harsh on myself and say thank you to those memories. Sometimes it seems that some adults and teachers support these things (hustle culture, overachievement...).
Adults suffering from Gifted Child Syndrome UNITEEEEEEE
I found your channel only a few months ago but I'm so happy I did! I personally, my upbringing (academically strict parents) made me scared of failure from a very young age, which then developed into anxiety around "success" and specifically the *image* of success. it took graduating into a global pandemic to completely radicalize me away from capitalism (lol) and I no longer define my value by my job. it was a long road to get here lol. love love love this discussion 💛 & I hope more young folks, especially students / new grads can find your channel.
UA-cam really said "this is YOUR feed"
I'll give you a real answer to "why are you this way?"...I got bullied a lot as a kid because I moved a ton and was very weird and quiet. Also, my family kept telling me I was fat and ugly. So I felt I had to make up for my disgusting appearance through achievement academically. I still struggle with this thinking in my 30's.
This new movement should be called Katherism
HAHAHHAHA i can't take credit
Ever thought about a TED Talk tour? You are quite articulate, charismatic (vulnerably so) and seem to have your finger on the pulse - I fully support your journey of deeper self-acceptance and hope you can weather the societal shift we are undertaking
This is a very healing video and conversation. I think my hyper-achiever attitude came simply from undiagnosed extreme anxiety I've had since I was a child. When I was doing well in school, everyone was happy with me and I wasn't causing trouble. It fostered an ongoing issue with control in my life that really fell apart when I could no longer use grades to make sense of my self worth. This compounded when I entered high school and my friend group was mostly made up of other first generation kids who wanted to go to college.
Because of my achievement I was afforded scholarships to a private college in California, and let me tell you, that was the biggest factor in my radicalization. Because I had a work study job I was exposed to the harsh divide of the school. My classes were filled with rich kids who could give less of a shit about hard work, who were just there to network and scrape by, literally PAYING other students to write essays for them. On the other end were first gen kids like me fighting tooth and nail to win scholarships to afford the school. It was just truly crazy to me how stark the difference in attitude was, and how unfair our socioeconomic system is. I mean, I felt very proud of myself for getting to college at all but all the rich kids were sour about not getting into more elite schools.
I think this stark divide continued post-graduation, when I saw the rich kids who could care less about academics and hard work getting high paying jobs and buying houses while me and my friends were struggling in highly exploitative jobs and giving away half our salaries to rent. Hard work just doesn't pay when you're not rich, at least not nearly in the same way. Anyways, the gifted kid to stoner burnout pipeline is real !!!
Chill Kath was revolutionary for me
I identify with your message so much. I was diagnosed with perfectionism as a child., and as a preemie baby, I fueled this perfectionism with my own self deprecation, resulting from how behind I was, developmentally, in my very early years. I worked twice as hard as everyone else, and the hard work paid off. I became a top student (placed in GT classes), determined to find self-love through grades. In fact, I became a math teacher because I always struggled with math, and I did everything I could to reach the pinnacle of my career. I had to teach the most advanced courses, get recognized as a top notch educator, and I burned myself out. It happened when I was in my third year as an international school teacher at a high ranking school in Japan. I was supposed to be “living the dream, “ but I was so exhausted, I couldn’t enjoy my time abroad. Now, I’m back in the states, teaching at a great public school, trying to find balance everyday. It’s hard :)
It’s so important to do things you aren’t graded on! I had a lot of (unfortunate) potential to become an overachiever, but I think what stopped me was the non-competitive things I valued and participated in - reading and writing, team sports, cooking, etc. Kids - and adults! - should be allowed to do things they are awful at, too,
This video is EVERYTHING. Holy shit.
Start a pod called UnderAchievers, love hearing you work through this in real time and youre helping a lot of others do the same.
it's on the docket ;)
yess, i was this student too, luckily right at the end of highschool I found videos about gap years and decided to take one, best decision ever to help break me from the cycle. im still motivated, but now its because i enjoy what i do instead of seeking that validation
Love your videos 😊 I was very rebellious in school but still was in higher sets (for those who might get higher grades we call them sets in the UK), but I eventually knew I had to conform, get the grades, go to university. I actually ended up leaving uni to go to a performing arts school, but couldn’t pursue that because of financial pressures making it too hard to get by and enjoy day to day. I have come a perfectionist, like so many of us did/ do because that’s the society we live in, the first questions people ask is “what job do you do?”. I wonder what I would have turned out like if there wasn’t that pressure, you can’t help but feel it’s hard to know what you truly enjoy anymore and have to go on a journey of re-self discovery, trying to free yourself from some of the societal pressures due to capitalism whilst also remembering that you have to conform somewhat because that is the system we are in & cannot escape
Good for you, breaking free and questioning is a great goal. Freedom, personal freedom and empowering yourself to live your best life, which is something I will always support and we need more people of this etch, to combat the robots haha. Keep following your heart as this world is simply temporary. All the best.
I am so happy that you made this video. I am one of the people who started following you for your old content. Academic achievements were a huge part of my identity, because I didn't think that I had anything else going for me. When college acceptances came out, everyone around me was congratulating me for getting into multiple universities with scholarship offerings, but I devastated. I did not get into any Ivies, or other name-brand low acceptance rate schools. Getting into a prestigious school was a way to prove to myself that I am intelligent, that I am going to achieve extraordinary things. I looked down on my cousin for years because he was trying to pursue 3 degrees at a state school. I said to myself "getting 3 degrees from a state school is not as impressive as getting 1 degree from Harvard." YIKES... If I'm honest, I haven't totally broke free from this mindset, but I am a work in progress. Luckily I have found a job at a company that has an amazing work-life balance, and so many of my coworkers have interesting hobbies that have nothing to do with their job. I've been pursuing activities that I never considered when I was younger, because those things wouldn't have helped me get higher grades, or look better on paper.
I'm a first gen, but my family were never ones to push me to become an overachiever. I actually resented them for a while because I thought that they had "low standards" for me. I wanted to completely detach myself from my upbringing, because my family had blue-collar jobs, and I wanted to change my socioeconomic status. I've been spending this pandemic trying to go back to my roots, and apologize to my family for being ashamed of them, and build meaningful bonds with them. My family are people who I count on being proud and happy for me just for being me, not because of any accomplishments I've been given by others.
Katherine, I have NEVER commented on a youtube video before (I just never felt like I needed to communicate something so strongly that I would go through with creating a channel to do it). But I want you to know that as I go through a similar journey as you (insecure overachiever > elite US News-approved college > impressive but soul-crushing knowledge worker job), I have been rewatching several of your recent videos frequently as a kind of therapy to try to rewire my brain. My body has literally said "no" for me at my current job. I was already undergoing the process of quiet quitting that you described in your most recent video. I know it's the one and only option for me right now. But when I'm in the throes of guilt, shame, anxiety, and dopamine withdrawal for taking it easy, I flick on one of your videos to help me remember that what I'm doing is a GOOD thing. WHAT a painful process though to rewire 20 YEARS of upside-down conditioning and try to get things right-side up again!