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Hey Ana, I remember you did a video a while ago, about '90% predictability Golden Ratio', it's about relationships. It was a good video. I'm struggling what to type in the search bar, it's not coming up. Do you remember what it is called? Thanks!
Thank you, Ana! Excellent advice. I might have to check out this shortform service :D ~200$ a year isn't bad for what they've got in their selection. I think 200$ worth of value can be extracted from their top 5 books alone in a year. Having the option to go monthly for ~30% more (on a per-monthly cost-basis) makes sense. I think it's wise they asked for more - it's risky to operate expecting a monthly subscriber to persist :]
You got it wrong, girl. The main reason monogamous marriages end is the same reason you want to stop eating only sushi your entire life and going to the same hotel every vacation time. You get sick of having the same person or thing after many years. Life needs variety.
My prediction is that priorities shift; people stop making the quality of their relationship a priority and that leads to a decrease in emotional/physical connection with their partner
A huge part of it is that people sometimes think of relationships as tick boxes. Found partner, tick. Got married, tick. Got kids, tick. Now I can focus on something else... You assume the relationship will just continue, but people grow and if you stop consciously checking in, life stuff comes in between really easily.
The problem is, different people have different fight tolerances. Some people don’t feel safe in a relationship unless there’s fighting going on, and will pick fights just to be reassured that their partner still cares. If their partner isn’t wired up the same way, all that fighting will lead to disengagement on their part.
If the person only feels disengaged in that scenario and doesn't want to put in the effort to communicate with their partner solutions to the problems to get passed them (because talking about them is the only way you can), then that person isn't really qualified for a relationship until they can. All relationships will feel easy at first because neither of you really know each other and there's a wall where there's a bit of a mask before it's relented. If a person only ever wants the easy, then they're really holding onto an illusion that doesn't exist. Either one, the other, or both is going to require emotional effort and engagement in order to not feel alone and be stimulated by their partner. My ex and I didn't have any huge argument that ended the relationship. He just got comfortable. He'd come home and immediately get into a game and mindlessly play all night. Then when we did spend time together, his head was empty. There was no intellectual conversation. It felt so boring and like my bf was fine with just me existing as a title for him, but didn't engage with me like we used to. When we did argue it was because even after I confronted him with how I was feeling, he kept reverting back to the same behavior. In conclusion, if there's a lot of arguing, it's likely because there's a lot of miscommunication or lack thereof. And/or there just isn't much engagement between them, which is converting into an argument. Even within "fights," there's a person there who is either ineffectively relaying their pain and issues or the other person is ineffectively hearing their pain and issues. Or both.
@@EyeOfTheTiger777 Yes, there is a comfort that is obviously one of the best feelings in a relationship, but there is also a "too" comfortable. There's being able to be yourself-comfortable, and there's not putting in any effort or affection with the other person-comfortable. I thought that was implied, but I guess I should have specified.
This is exactly how my parents are since becoming empty-nesters a few years ago. Now that there’s no more children in their house, which means less noise and activity, they are constantly picking fights with each other over the stupidest shit, which ironically drives me and my siblings away because we hate going over their house and being around them now because they are constantly blowing up over nothing, it’s become a very unpleasant environment. It’s like, because all of the normal childhood/growing up conflicts are over, now they have to manufacture artificial conflicts in order to feel alive.
@@bebop2523 yeah i think its a traumautic thing, because fighting sometimes feels familiar and like home to some people, since maybe they were surrounded with that in their childhood or later.
I've never been in a relationship but I once lived with my best friend. I often felt like we started gradually taking each other for granted. It watered down the friendship. We had used to do things together, but we both started assuming that living together somehow meant we didn't have to take time to do fun activities together. I wondered then if living with a partner would have similar challenges.
@@Joseph-zd7kg it's exactly this. As you spend every day of your life with someone, you tend to consider the presence of the other as "the norm" in your life, and forget how things were without them. But so much so the relationship may turn into a routine rather than something you really enjoy for yourself. Mind you, The perfect partner would be someone with whom you could be friends: you wouldn't be able to live with someone just because they are attractive. So yes, lovers should take great inspiration from friendship before love. Maybe you are a little too young for this type of conversion
My guess: people grew apart and didn't grow together. Then started resenting each other for not being 'who I married' as they weren't aligned on long term growth and goals as a couple
I'm currently going through a divorce and it is ambicable but you are basically hitting it on the head. Our marriage was dying on the vine and neither of us realized the extent of that death but it wasn't being nurtured anymore. It was being taken for granted so there was no intimacy, growth, appreication, or passion. It was like our marriage was stuck in suspended animation and those things were just not actually being acknowledged and truly worked on. I finally began to notice things a few months before I asked for a separation and eventual divorce and noticing these things and the extent of my unhappiness was the key I needed to finally unlock that door of complacency. I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me but it was me realizing I deserved better and more and he was not emotionally able to give that to me. We had become roommates in additon to me being his caretaker and I never want to be put in that positon again.
Did you communicate before it got there? If not you’ll just end up in the same place. People fail to examination themselves and know what they want and be able to express that clearly.
@@Refiningforge that’s a big assumption you’re making. there can be many reasons why communication is ineffective in a relationship. she mentions her partner was emotionally absent, when you get to that point you may not have any desire to keep going with that person. she’ll find someone who will be emotionally open to her.
My guess as to to why people divorce is that you stop practicing active communication and grow apart emotionally. I think most of us get so accustomed to being with another person we neglect maintaining and improving the relationship.
@@ladybug3380 I dont like fighting either for the most part. I typically avoid conflict if possible. Sometimes I do enjoy conflict though when it seems needed. Its important to have the occasional conflict with a SO to work out problems before it becomes a bigger problem. There are times where conflict is necessary in order to stand up for yourself in relationships or just out in the world. With the absence of necessary external conflict, it becomes an internal conflict.
Little nuggets of everyday wisdom delivered eloquently and unpretentiously with science, relatable examples and actionable advice. Your channel is such a therapeutic and healthy outlet to unwind to after a long day's work. Thank you for being a shining beacon for the lost and the empty.
Before I watch, I want to say holding contempt and a lack of warmth for your partner is what causes feelings to die and eventually all efforts to diminish. Even with shared values, it's hard to get along with someone who looks down on you or vice versa.
This 💯! Ended a 19 year marriage over years of built up contempt, therapy brought all of it to the surface. No amount of duct tape would hold us together any longer.
Haven’t watched but one theory of mine is an increased societal pressure to not be single, which leads to people being with people they don’t really want to be.
I’ve just started the video now so I may be reacting too early, but yes, I agree with you. I felt so much pressure in my late teens and early 20s to have my husband and family by a certain age. I even thought starting a family would guarantee a happy family, and boy, was I wrong. Yes, I am aware that there's a fertility clock for women; however, I think it’s so dangerous to push women into thinking they need to grab the closest partner next to them by a certain age just because society says so.
Increased? If anything there's less pressure for that than in any other point in history. IIRC only 1/3 of millenials (30-40 YO give or take) are married. In the 50s, It was something around 9% singles in the same age rank
@@algum.cara1 mmm not when your parents aren’t first generation born in the US. Some cases it can be a couple generations born here and there’s still parents/family pushing for marriage
even as someone who's chosen to be with someone, I find this to be indeed a very toxic expecation especially in conservative developing cultures. I guess it just takes a lot for people to understand that choosing to be single or choosing to marry/enter a relationship are not necessarily opposing factions. Its not "single vs marriage" its actually "my circumstance vs the socioeconomic environment" and its also just about choice.
While I agree that fighting kind of means that you still care, too much of it will wear you out and erode all intimacy and trust, especially if the fighting doesn't result in anything constructive. Happened to me in my last relationship and I kind of wish we'd stopped fighting and just broke up sooner instead of letting it get worse the last couple of years.
My guess is that it's because people don't continue to date their partner once they feel they've "established" their relationship enough and they become stagnant in their personal/tandem growth
Communication is more important than‘fighting’ in a relationship. Not all partners want to fight. I know I don’t. If my partner tried to force a fight I’d be out of the door. Because I care about them and don’t want the negative emotions associated with arguments intrinsically attached to seeing my partner. Discussion and debate? Yes please. Loud arguments and fights? No. There’s enough negative energy out in the world on a day to day basis. Home, no matter with whom it is invested in, should be a place of comfort and stability.
Yes. Home is where the heart is. Mine is tender and needs a non-hostile environment. Like you say, debate is fine, disagreements are fine, but intentional cruelty and shaming are not.
Most of my life I’ve had insecure attachment styles and only felt like I could connect with my first boyfriend. I spiraled after we broke up and was never the same again, and when I met my husband when I was 17, I had troubles getting close with him. I got pregnant quick and felt like we were “stuck” together which didn’t help our relationship. Now 10 years later, after everything we’ve been through together, he’s been my “secure base” all this time. I can actually connect with him and my daughters on a whole new level now. I’ve been in therapy for several years and have made major improvements with my mental well-being and how I see the world and people. I love and respect my husband more than ever now and try my best to give him the care and treatment he deserves. I’m determined to make our marriage as wonderful as it can be. ❤
Glad I don't have a normal relationship. It started as a practical thing. There was no friendship, there was no romance, there was no excitement. It was "I trust you and can stand to be around you". Seemed like a reasonable thing. After 20+ years together, we're just recently started experiencing our honeymoon phase. But instead of starting high and waning, it's starting low and building. I do identify as aromantic and aplatonic. Emotionally disconnected is/was my norm. Now that emotions are starting to form, it's only adding to our relationship. Fun to explain to others how I don't experience love and I married my wife because I found her tolerable. Which perplexes them because we "act" so "in love". That's because I understand her love language. I care for her and respect her. If she feels "loved", whatever that means, by acting certain ways, I will fulfill her needs the best I can, as she does mine. All we can do is sincerity try our best.
@@ninjanana8730 No. She really liked me and I was a loner. I did not experience being lonely, ever. I very much enjoyed thinking, never going out, etc. She noticed I did well with my assignments and asked for help with homework. I do enjoy helping people, just not being around them. As I helped her with her homework, I realized she wasn't so bad to be around and we enjoyed a decent amount of the same things(anime, video games, action movies). After a while, we just "hung out". After many years, we decided moving in together seemed beneficial. A few of the things that I found best about her is she enjoyed staying in, when she went out she was not a strong extrovert, and she treated total strangers with respect and care.
I’m living through a dead marriage now. Our breakdown happened probably over strong disagreements of financial matters and resentments for not working with me on things. We had lots of arguing that turned into disrespectful name calling too, so there’s also an emotional damage element to our relationship. After a while of just not talking to each other, just living together, I tried to make efforts to mend the gap. But my wife just smiles and laughs or whatever in the moment, then goes back to whatever she was doing before and never tries to seek me out really. I’ve thought of divorce too, but it’s really not an option because it will have a very bad financial impact on myself, her, and our kids. None of us make enough to support ourselves and our kids apart from each other. I’ve thought of cheating and finding what I’m missing apart from the homelife, but I don’t want all the complications cheating causes. So I’m stuck in a relationship of no real love, attention, or affection because of financial codependency. It’s the most lonely feeling in the world.
Than open a talk about an open relationship or something. Of course taking account on that effect on the kids too. Since both of you are basically roommates. Might as well talk out to let both find love but can stay under one roof as roommates. Need to inform kids about this too. Be honest to kids is important. They also have a say in this.
I think one of the biggest reasons why marriages end is the lack of shared values between partners. It's difficult being open and understanding when both values aren't aligned. Maybe even percieved unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be? Could also be underdeveloped emotional maturity.
I think that might be more true for young marriages than longer ones. Not that values can't change over time but having a similar value system would seem like a baseline requirement for entering into marriage that is often overlooked.
Good stuff. I do wish we'd be more honest though that the reason many of these relationships or marriages end or continue on in a bad way is because the two people never should have entered into such a relationship to begin with and that they were always bad for each other from the beginning. I feel like no one talks about this. Let's educate people more so they can actually avoid making these mistakes to begin with.
I'm glad I only spent 6 years in relationships(and didn't get anyone pregnant) in order to learn that - When you're with the wrong person, tolerating unhappiness is not an investment for the future but a preview of it.
I’m thinking they get bored of each other and don’t realize they need to put in effort to maintain their relationship, because the puppy-love stage doesn’t last forever
People are all about "me me me" and refuse to consider the other person. I'd say that's why. Though it's better than short-term or noncommittal because 100% of them end lol.
I guess this could also depend a little on the age of the couple, but I've seen a few very long term relationships fail due to priorities shifting, mine ended that way as well, we stopped agreeing on how to move forward with certain things and our goals where no longer compatible, but this was a relationship that started when we were college juniors and ran strong years after graduation so I guess at that age, big changes are kind of to be expected.
100% of relationship problems are communication problems, so I guess the reported reason would be either a breakdown in communication or irreconcilable differences.
My guess is poor partner selection. People overlook red flags and compatibility issues out of fear of being alone, and marry people they shouldn’t be marrying. Then it doesn’t work.
i feel thats the case for some people but i spoke extensively on many issues before getting into a relationship with my last ex. im extremely comfortable single and dont take it lightly. in the end slowly but surely a lot of the things he said he agreed on (and even shown he was okay with in terms of arrangements) he changed his mind on and then started saying the opposite. i didnt rush that at all but all the compatibilities and shared goals shifted very suddenly
@@SunshineTheLover weird... Thou people allowed to change thier minds, this feels more like the person wasn't being completely honest and true to themselves? Don't know, I am myself at the beginning of my first relationship and I'm 27 💀 we both trying to figure things out together, hope we will never stop doing that. And I hope you'll find someone who will have you and your relationship as a priority in their life 🙏
@@skromnyasha yea true hope it goes well for you. i just said that to point out that sometimes you can do all the proper selection in the beginning and then the person backtracks
My first instinct is that it's not necessarily a bad thing; people learn that they need something different from a relationship and build up the courage to look for that. Maybe they stayed for so long because of codependency, or because society tells us marriage should last forever. Maybe they just needed time to figure themselves out, or the two people are simply different people after all that time
We text each other every day, something sweet or romantic. Sometimes it's just a heart emoji or a GIF. Sometimes it's something we are thinking about. Sometimes it's an apology after we fought before leaving for work. We are apart a lot because of conflicting work schedules. I don't remember which one of us started doing this, but it really helps. I will be simmering with anger hours after a fight and suddenly feel the need to grab my phone and reach out to her. Or a text arrives from her doing the same. It might sound trite, but it's an easy way to shift back to a more positive place.
Both people aren't working on the relationship. One is bored and begins looking elsewhere outside the relationship Feeling taken for granted Actually being abused Constantly dealing with jealousy issues Being tired of dealing with jealousy issues
It may be helpful to remember that constant gratitude is necessary in order to have healthy disagreements. Gratitude builds a foundation that is secure enough for an argument. Dr. Gottman found that the most secure relationships were those where couples were able to find humor during a fight. In other words, having a foundation of gratitude for one another helps you be secure enough to not take yourself too seriously, to see the other person's perspective, and to accept that you may be wrong. You simply can't be too thankful for your partner.
I think divorce comes from when you stop going on dates with eachother, and if you never talk about how you feel or your expectations. You can only pretend your okay with that for so long. You have to be romantic and also have hard conversations with eachother. You have to make sex fun and explore that realm together while also doing basic things like house hold chores and paying bills but you can’t forget the romance or what made you love them and what makes you love them
Great video, Ana! Thank you for sharing it with us! :) Can it be that friendships also end because of similar reasons, like people not being emotionally engaged with each other anymore (in case they used to be)? I noticed that what made me withdraw from friendships that used to be meaningful was mostly indifference, rather than different beliefs or interests.
Having been through two divorces, I'd say the biggest problem is substantially different values. When one wants to live simply, save for the future, keep within a budget, but the other is spend it as fast if not faster than we get it, no financial self control, big problem. If you can't conceive naturally, do you accept it, try to adopt, or spend tens of thousands on IVF? Where do you draw the line with in laws and relatives who make demands of your time, money, offer unsolicited advice? How do you resolve religious differences and what if one of you wants to change paths? Too many people are in a rush to get married instead of thinking of these things which if they become sources of conflict will destroy a marriage
Overconsumption of alchohol and lack of selfrefleciton is probably the biggest relationship killer. Every1 just want to run on autopilot (I dont blame them)
I guess in answer to "the question," I have to start by saying that I often see romance differently from most people. My first crush died in a car accident when I was 13, and I've come to the conclusion that most people don't go in to a relationship with the reality that one day they or their spouse will die. I get why, because it's not a very comforting subject, but it seems like most people go into a relationship thinking that it's all gonna be sunshine and rainbows. So they choose safe partners, and live safe lives, and when it suddenly dawns on them that they aren't getting any younger, they realize how much they wasted their life with the partner they chose. If more people were aware of the realities of death and loss in love, maybe people would make a more responsible choice when choosing a partner, rather than just falling for all the emotional porn when they meet someone special. If the concept of mortality in romance were taught earlier, there would be a lot more well-informed partners who will choose who they marry wisely.
What's even worse are the couples who stay together when they can't stand each other but are too afraid to be single. The ones who have become complacent.
My guess is (before watching) that people don't initially choose someone with the intention of being long-term, and years of forcing things to work based on fading passion lead to divorce. People also just change over time and their partner changes in their own way, causing them to grow apart. This is also probably just an extension of not choosing someone with common values and whom you can see yourself growing with. But also, what do I know? I haven't been in a long term relationship past 1 year lol
@@ana-maria448 that's wonderful and I feel the same way for my own life. However, I was saying that many other people do not think like this when entering relationships- they don't think about long term compatibility.
wow, this is the best explanation i've ever heard of the positives of conversational fighting between people in relationships. Most of the others only just speak of the necessary passion part, but this one precedes that important statement with the reason WHY
The unwillingness of one or both partners to work on and evolve their relationship. I would say that's the biggest reason why it doesn't work out. Relationships evolve and when someone or both parties don't want to put in the effort to work on this, the relationship plateaus and fails.
Combo of physical (pregnancy/legacy, money, control of environment, ect.) and emotional reasons (unfaithfulness, no feeling of safety, antagonastic fighting, ect.) leading to them unwilling to be open and honest with a dash of values changing over time
I have been married 24 years and it takes some effort but it can work out. I had 2 uncles pass away and one was married 72 years and the other was 67 years.
As a guy who's relative chill, logic minded, works with software/databases, plays multiple instruments, I guess I'm just screwed. I don't feel or relate to passionate people, I hate drama/theatre, I just want to behave like an emotionally adjusted adult, but that seems to be lacking these days, oh well 🙃
My guess was infidelity but I guess that's a step after emotional disengagement for some people. My mother never bothered to end one relationship before starting others. 😂
Every 5 years we are a different person than we were before. Part of the commitment to a spouse is to fall in love with that new person and GROW with that person through time. Im guessing people don't do that anymore and just jump ship.
Fun exercise, I'm going to give it a try 😄. Ok, my guess is that the majority of long-term relationships eventually end because of different communication styles. Even if you want the same things and feel the same way, if you can't understand each other, you'll feel like you're on completely different pages.
I love your eyebrows Also, I just found your channel and really like your content. I like how you give applicable information and explain it well in a way that's easy to understand, but still very scientific.
This makes sense to be honest and ties in with your advice about how to keep relationships healthy and in the honeymoon phase. Thank you for what you do! I try to use your videos and other info to better my relationship and make sure it's healthy and happy :)
I lost total interest in my husband when I had a baby. I’m not sure it would have happened if there was a strong emotional connection in our marriage. If anyone asked me why I divorced my husband, I’d say he had no interest in my happiness or well-being. I could list many examples demonstrating how little he cared about me. But then I could also list many examples of how I was unkind to him. When my ex remarried, I was very happy because he did not do well alone.
Be strong, please, pay attention to your mental health during this hard moment! I hope you will keep on through it! (I mean eventually go to next moments of your life, more light moments, when the time will come)
My parents divorced when I was 21, I am 45 now. Don’t do what I did. I was so angry that I acted out in very self destructive ways. Partying and doing crazy stuff. I am okay now, but it is a lot to process for young adults. Express your anger and sadness out loud as much as possible instead of trying to escape through other means. Because if you don’t go through it in the present it will come back to bite you later. Hang in there. Go easy on yourself. Your parents love you. They are just screwed up humans like everyone else. Make a life for yourself you love!
Amen; death by ice. First marriage, his narcissism grew and to this day, 17 years after the divorce, he still blames me for everything. Second marriage, we had 8 great years before dementia took him. Our past mistakes taught us to cultivate excitement and pleasure together, every chance we could. It was heavenly.
Lack of humour & no metacognition destroys desire. This is because people find risk exciting, people get together because of the risk. As time passes risk reduces and without humour being exchanged it dwindles. People then begin to argue as that introduces unhealthy risk yet the couple don't understand the communication breakdown is because they don't know how to create healthy risk
I have a question for you: Sometimes when I see people argue, they use a defence mechanism where they "surrender" their position, even though they are still mad about it, in the style of "alright, have it your way". My two questions are: why are people doing this? The second one is if you would consider "buying" the other person's surrendering and agree with them, pretending not to understand the sarcasm and say something like"perfect, that's just what I wanted". To me it seems like a good idea because it forces the other person to either say what they actually feel, or ending their manipulation (because the surrendering feels like a way to manipulate, but I don't really know why it feels that way). What are your thoughts?
I think the main reason people surrender their position in an argument is because they’re tired of arguing, or feel they’re not at all convincing the other person about the validity of their position. Generally, when people surrender their position of the argument, they are in the submissive moment of the relationship. Relationships have two dynamics to them: a dominant person and a submissive person. Each relationship has varying degrees of each dynamic: one may be super dominant and expects the other to always be submissive no matter what. In others, where both persons have super dominant personalities, they will be fighting for dominance. Both kinds of relationships will have some very dramatic arguing, but in different ways. Generally, surrendering a position in an argument doesn’t lead to manipulating, but rather being manipulated. The winner will further mold the submissive into accepting their position and to work to support their position. The only time surrendering could be used in a manipulative way is if the person makes it transactional. Like, I’ll go along with it, if you’ll do this one thing for me.
@@spacelinx i think this about the difference between being assertive and passive aggressive, sometimes people are assertive and can surrender saying ok, i thought this but now i see your perspective, or they can say 'actually i was wrong' that is still assertive even though it is taking a step back. sometimes people can think something different but say 'ok your way' to get out of the disagreement. that might be because of the pressure they're under like you said if their partner is very dominant but it could be because they need to learn and develop that skill of being honest and standing up for their own needs. sometimes people try to manage other people's feelings because they're very uncomfortable with there being disagreement full stop. it looks like they are being nice but the two parties will become less connected.
I do not love to fight. If someone is constantly trying to provoke me it causes me physical pain. After years of this crap I have now been diagnosed with MS. Hostility aggrevates all my symptoms. I left to save my life and I've pretty much had it with people in general. Love is not worth fighting for. It is, however, worth developing patence and empathy for.
Do you think that maybe for people that have kids, they are more likely to have higher patience thresholds due to the kids. And then that increased level of patience/endurance helps to maintain a relationship as well? Raising kids is insane, but it should make you appreciate fellow adults a bit more, IMO anyway.
Before dec 4th i could swear i had a great long term relationship, but then this day he came home with the most depressed face I've ever seen, said he wasn't happy anymore... turns out he had a new online girlfriend since september... I had to discover everything alone, he lied to my face till the last second... 5 years in trash, I'm destroyed, I lost everything, it's been hard to accept, now i have to survive alone, because i don't have the luxury to live anymore
I think people endure for a long time and finally get too tired of whether the problem is. They realize staying to save face is crazy as no one really cares and everyone is doing them.
Atomic habits is the book sitting on my shelf too!...I dont recall Pam having an emotional affair with the camera man. Guess its time to rewatch the office lol.
To learn more than ever from important non-fiction books, join me on Shortform: shortform.com/ANA. You’ll get a 5-day free trial and a discounted annual subscription. One of my favorite books on Shortform is ATOMIC HABITS.
Hey Ana, I remember you did a video a while ago, about '90% predictability Golden Ratio', it's about relationships. It was a good video. I'm struggling what to type in the search bar, it's not coming up. Do you remember what it is called? Thanks!
Thank you, Ana! Excellent advice.
I might have to check out this shortform service :D ~200$ a year isn't bad for what they've got in their selection.
I think 200$ worth of value can be extracted from their top 5 books alone in a year.
Having the option to go monthly for ~30% more (on a per-monthly cost-basis) makes sense.
I think it's wise they asked for more - it's risky to operate expecting a monthly subscriber to persist :]
You got it wrong, girl. The main reason monogamous marriages end is the same reason you want to stop eating only sushi your entire life and going to the same hotel every vacation time. You get sick of having the same person or thing after many years. Life needs variety.
My prediction is that priorities shift; people stop making the quality of their relationship a priority and that leads to a decrease in emotional/physical connection with their partner
Oh that's a good one.
A huge part of it is that people sometimes think of relationships as tick boxes. Found partner, tick. Got married, tick. Got kids, tick. Now I can focus on something else... You assume the relationship will just continue, but people grow and if you stop consciously checking in, life stuff comes in between really easily.
My prediction is that, at least for me, I’m too sic’ wit it
@Truth Balm this is the best take I’ve ever read .
Or tired of dealing with the same issues for years and just give up.
The problem is, different people have different fight tolerances. Some people don’t feel safe in a relationship unless there’s fighting going on, and will pick fights just to be reassured that their partner still cares. If their partner isn’t wired up the same way, all that fighting will lead to disengagement on their part.
If the person only feels disengaged in that scenario and doesn't want to put in the effort to communicate with their partner solutions to the problems to get passed them (because talking about them is the only way you can), then that person isn't really qualified for a relationship until they can.
All relationships will feel easy at first because neither of you really know each other and there's a wall where there's a bit of a mask before it's relented. If a person only ever wants the easy, then they're really holding onto an illusion that doesn't exist. Either one, the other, or both is going to require emotional effort and engagement in order to not feel alone and be stimulated by their partner.
My ex and I didn't have any huge argument that ended the relationship. He just got comfortable. He'd come home and immediately get into a game and mindlessly play all night. Then when we did spend time together, his head was empty. There was no intellectual conversation. It felt so boring and like my bf was fine with just me existing as a title for him, but didn't engage with me like we used to.
When we did argue it was because even after I confronted him with how I was feeling, he kept reverting back to the same behavior.
In conclusion, if there's a lot of arguing, it's likely because there's a lot of miscommunication or lack thereof. And/or there just isn't much engagement between them, which is converting into an argument. Even within "fights," there's a person there who is either ineffectively relaying their pain and issues or the other person is ineffectively hearing their pain and issues. Or both.
@@BDSandM isn't the goal of a marriage to be comfortable, though? What's wrong with comfortable?
@@EyeOfTheTiger777 Yes, there is a comfort that is obviously one of the best feelings in a relationship, but there is also a "too" comfortable.
There's being able to be yourself-comfortable, and there's not putting in any effort or affection with the other person-comfortable.
I thought that was implied, but I guess I should have specified.
This is exactly how my parents are since becoming empty-nesters a few years ago. Now that there’s no more children in their house, which means less noise and activity, they are constantly picking fights with each other over the stupidest shit, which ironically drives me and my siblings away because we hate going over their house and being around them now because they are constantly blowing up over nothing, it’s become a very unpleasant environment. It’s like, because all of the normal childhood/growing up conflicts are over, now they have to manufacture artificial conflicts in order to feel alive.
@@bebop2523 yeah i think its a traumautic thing, because fighting sometimes feels familiar and like home to some people, since maybe they were surrounded with that in their childhood or later.
I've never been in a relationship but I once lived with my best friend. I often felt like we started gradually taking each other for granted. It watered down the friendship. We had used to do things together, but we both started assuming that living together somehow meant we didn't have to take time to do fun activities together. I wondered then if living with a partner would have similar challenges.
Not the same thing. You to young to be on here lmao
@@Joseph-zd7kg I'm 28
@@Joseph-zd7kg young people could learn from old people so that they don't make the same mistake the old ones did.
@@Joseph-zd7kg it's exactly this. As you spend every day of your life with someone, you tend to consider the presence of the other as "the norm" in your life, and forget how things were without them. But so much so the relationship may turn into a routine rather than something you really enjoy for yourself.
Mind you, The perfect partner would be someone with whom you could be friends: you wouldn't be able to live with someone just because they are attractive. So yes, lovers should take great inspiration from friendship before love. Maybe you are a little too young for this type of conversion
Kinda the same but now add intimacy into that relationship…
My guess: people grew apart and didn't grow together. Then started resenting each other for not being 'who I married' as they weren't aligned on long term growth and goals as a couple
Or they get worse, not even stagnant. Like a totally a new person in bad aspects.
@@ana-maria448 - or same old “bad” characteristics just grate over time. Partner getting increasingly annoyed by same old minor things.
I'm currently going through a divorce and it is ambicable but you are basically hitting it on the head. Our marriage was dying on the vine and neither of us realized the extent of that death but it wasn't being nurtured anymore. It was being taken for granted so there was no intimacy, growth, appreication, or passion. It was like our marriage was stuck in suspended animation and those things were just not actually being acknowledged and truly worked on. I finally began to notice things a few months before I asked for a separation and eventual divorce and noticing these things and the extent of my unhappiness was the key I needed to finally unlock that door of complacency. I don't hate him and he doesn't hate me but it was me realizing I deserved better and more and he was not emotionally able to give that to me. We had become roommates in additon to me being his caretaker and I never want to be put in that positon again.
Did you communicate before it got there? If not you’ll just end up in the same place. People fail to examination themselves and know what they want and be able to express that clearly.
Do you have children together?
@@Refiningforge that’s a big assumption you’re making. there can be many reasons why communication is ineffective in a relationship. she mentions her partner was emotionally absent, when you get to that point you may not have any desire to keep going with that person. she’ll find someone who will be emotionally open to her.
Was he disabled? Or do you mean caretaking in an emotional way?
@@rejectionisprotection4448 Emotionally
My guess as to to why people divorce is that you stop practicing active communication and grow apart emotionally. I think most of us get so accustomed to being with another person we neglect maintaining and improving the relationship.
There's at least one partner decided to neglect the marriage. That one decided Intimacy is not important. So the other will seek it elsewhere.
When Ana said, “people love to fight low key” it made me laugh. 😅
Maybe it's also an addiction.
I don’t like fighting. Conflict takes a lot of energy out of me, I’d rather talk it out and move forward.
Most people fr do smh
@@ladybug3380 I dont like fighting either for the most part. I typically avoid conflict if possible. Sometimes I do enjoy conflict though when it seems needed. Its important to have the occasional conflict with a SO to work out problems before it becomes a bigger problem. There are times where conflict is necessary in order to stand up for yourself in relationships or just out in the world. With the absence of necessary external conflict, it becomes an internal conflict.
@@jackmemphis777 I agree
Little nuggets of everyday wisdom delivered eloquently and unpretentiously with science, relatable examples and actionable advice. Your channel is such a therapeutic and healthy outlet to unwind to after a long day's work. Thank you for being a shining beacon for the lost and the empty.
This means so much🥺
Before I watch, I want to say holding contempt and a lack of warmth for your partner is what causes feelings to die and eventually all efforts to diminish. Even with shared values, it's hard to get along with someone who looks down on you or vice versa.
This 💯! Ended a 19 year marriage over years of built up contempt, therapy brought all of it to the surface. No amount of duct tape would hold us together any longer.
Haven’t watched but one theory of mine is an increased societal pressure to not be single, which leads to people being with people they don’t really want to be.
I’ve just started the video now so I may be reacting too early, but yes, I agree with you. I felt so much pressure in my late teens and early 20s to have my husband and family by a certain age. I even thought starting a family would guarantee a happy family, and boy, was I wrong. Yes, I am aware that there's a fertility clock for women; however, I think it’s so dangerous to push women into thinking they need to grab the closest partner next to them by a certain age just because society says so.
Increased? If anything there's less pressure for that than in any other point in history. IIRC only 1/3 of millenials (30-40 YO give or take) are married. In the 50s, It was something around 9% singles in the same age rank
@@algum.cara1 mmm not when your parents aren’t first generation born in the US. Some cases it can be a couple generations born here and there’s still parents/family pushing for marriage
even as someone who's chosen to be with someone, I find this to be indeed a very toxic expecation especially in conservative developing cultures. I guess it just takes a lot for people to understand that choosing to be single or choosing to marry/enter a relationship are not necessarily opposing factions. Its not "single vs marriage" its actually "my circumstance vs the socioeconomic environment" and its also just about choice.
Long term goals not being aligned, as well as not truly liking the other person for who they really are/were/became
While I agree that fighting kind of means that you still care, too much of it will wear you out and erode all intimacy and trust, especially if the fighting doesn't result in anything constructive. Happened to me in my last relationship and I kind of wish we'd stopped fighting and just broke up sooner instead of letting it get worse the last couple of years.
My guess is that it's because people don't continue to date their partner once they feel they've "established" their relationship enough and they become stagnant in their personal/tandem growth
Indifference is when you just don’t care anymore. No love and no hate.
Communication is more important than‘fighting’ in a relationship. Not all partners want to fight. I know I don’t. If my partner tried to force a fight I’d be out of the door. Because I care about them and don’t want the negative emotions associated with arguments intrinsically attached to seeing my partner.
Discussion and debate? Yes please. Loud arguments and fights? No. There’s enough negative energy out in the world on a day to day basis. Home, no matter with whom it is invested in, should be a place of comfort and stability.
Yes. Home is where the heart is. Mine is tender and needs a non-hostile environment. Like you say, debate is fine, disagreements are fine, but intentional cruelty and shaming are not.
Most of my life I’ve had insecure attachment styles and only felt like I could connect with my first boyfriend. I spiraled after we broke up and was never the same again, and when I met my husband when I was 17, I had troubles getting close with him. I got pregnant quick and felt like we were “stuck” together which didn’t help our relationship.
Now 10 years later, after everything we’ve been through together, he’s been my “secure base” all this time. I can actually connect with him and my daughters on a whole new level now.
I’ve been in therapy for several years and have made major improvements with my mental well-being and how I see the world and people. I love and respect my husband more than ever now and try my best to give him the care and treatment he deserves. I’m determined to make our marriage as wonderful as it can be. ❤
Amen
Glad I don't have a normal relationship. It started as a practical thing. There was no friendship, there was no romance, there was no excitement. It was "I trust you and can stand to be around you". Seemed like a reasonable thing. After 20+ years together, we're just recently started experiencing our honeymoon phase. But instead of starting high and waning, it's starting low and building.
I do identify as aromantic and aplatonic. Emotionally disconnected is/was my norm. Now that emotions are starting to form, it's only adding to our relationship. Fun to explain to others how I don't experience love and I married my wife because I found her tolerable. Which perplexes them because we "act" so "in love". That's because I understand her love language. I care for her and respect her. If she feels "loved", whatever that means, by acting certain ways, I will fulfill her needs the best I can, as she does mine. All we can do is sincerity try our best.
Hi, I feel like I might be aromantic too! Your marriage sounds ideal, hope I find something like that too.
What the heck did I just read???
This sounds like an arranged marriage.....was it?
This might be the closest thing to a perfect relationship
@@ninjanana8730 No. She really liked me and I was a loner. I did not experience being lonely, ever. I very much enjoyed thinking, never going out, etc. She noticed I did well with my assignments and asked for help with homework. I do enjoy helping people, just not being around them. As I helped her with her homework, I realized she wasn't so bad to be around and we enjoyed a decent amount of the same things(anime, video games, action movies). After a while, we just "hung out". After many years, we decided moving in together seemed beneficial.
A few of the things that I found best about her is she enjoyed staying in, when she went out she was not a strong extrovert, and she treated total strangers with respect and care.
I’m living through a dead marriage now. Our breakdown happened probably over strong disagreements of financial matters and resentments for not working with me on things. We had lots of arguing that turned into disrespectful name calling too, so there’s also an emotional damage element to our relationship. After a while of just not talking to each other, just living together, I tried to make efforts to mend the gap. But my wife just smiles and laughs or whatever in the moment, then goes back to whatever she was doing before and never tries to seek me out really. I’ve thought of divorce too, but it’s really not an option because it will have a very bad financial impact on myself, her, and our kids. None of us make enough to support ourselves and our kids apart from each other. I’ve thought of cheating and finding what I’m missing apart from the homelife, but I don’t want all the complications cheating causes. So I’m stuck in a relationship of no real love, attention, or affection because of financial codependency. It’s the most lonely feeling in the world.
Yeah same, so lonely
Thanks for the warning
💔 It really broke my heart to read this! The loneliness of being single is nothing compared to that.
Don’t like something. Change it
Than open a talk about an open relationship or something. Of course taking account on that effect on the kids too. Since both of you are basically roommates. Might as well talk out to let both find love but can stay under one roof as roommates. Need to inform kids about this too. Be honest to kids is important. They also have a say in this.
I think one of the biggest reasons why marriages end is the lack of shared values between partners. It's difficult being open and understanding when both values aren't aligned. Maybe even percieved unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is supposed to be? Could also be underdeveloped emotional maturity.
I think that might be more true for young marriages than longer ones. Not that values can't change over time but having a similar value system would seem like a baseline requirement for entering into marriage that is often overlooked.
Good stuff. I do wish we'd be more honest though that the reason many of these relationships or marriages end or continue on in a bad way is because the two people never should have entered into such a relationship to begin with and that they were always bad for each other from the beginning. I feel like no one talks about this. Let's educate people more so they can actually avoid making these mistakes to begin with.
I'm glad I only spent 6 years in relationships(and didn't get anyone pregnant) in order to learn that -
When you're with the wrong person, tolerating unhappiness is not an investment for the future but a preview of it.
I’m thinking they get bored of each other and don’t realize they need to put in effort to maintain their relationship, because the puppy-love stage doesn’t last forever
my guess is: the lack of friendship in the relationship
People are all about "me me me" and refuse to consider the other person. I'd say that's why. Though it's better than short-term or noncommittal because 100% of them end lol.
I guess this could also depend a little on the age of the couple, but I've seen a few very long term relationships fail due to priorities shifting, mine ended that way as well, we stopped agreeing on how to move forward with certain things and our goals where no longer compatible, but this was a relationship that started when we were college juniors and ran strong years after graduation so I guess at that age, big changes are kind of to be expected.
In which way did your priorities shift?
@@Nina-ur3ld probably money I'm guessing
100% of relationship problems are communication problems, so I guess the reported reason would be either a breakdown in communication or irreconcilable differences.
@Truth Balm Truth bomb- Most people are boring and lonely because of it. Same outcome through, sizzle to fizzle.
My guess is poor partner selection. People overlook red flags and compatibility issues out of fear of being alone, and marry people they shouldn’t be marrying. Then it doesn’t work.
i feel thats the case for some people but i spoke extensively on many issues before getting into a relationship with my last ex. im extremely comfortable single and dont take it lightly. in the end slowly but surely a lot of the things he said he agreed on (and even shown he was okay with in terms of arrangements) he changed his mind on and then started saying the opposite. i didnt rush that at all but all the compatibilities and shared goals shifted very suddenly
@@SunshineTheLover weird... Thou people allowed to change thier minds, this feels more like the person wasn't being completely honest and true to themselves? Don't know, I am myself at the beginning of my first relationship and I'm 27 💀 we both trying to figure things out together, hope we will never stop doing that. And I hope you'll find someone who will have you and your relationship as a priority in their life 🙏
@@skromnyasha yea true hope it goes well for you. i just said that to point out that sometimes you can do all the proper selection in the beginning and then the person backtracks
My first instinct is that it's not necessarily a bad thing; people learn that they need something different from a relationship and build up the courage to look for that. Maybe they stayed for so long because of codependency, or because society tells us marriage should last forever. Maybe they just needed time to figure themselves out, or the two people are simply different people after all that time
We text each other every day, something sweet or romantic. Sometimes it's just a heart emoji or a GIF. Sometimes it's something we are thinking about. Sometimes it's an apology after we fought before leaving for work. We are apart a lot because of conflicting work schedules. I don't remember which one of us started doing this, but it really helps. I will be simmering with anger hours after a fight and suddenly feel the need to grab my phone and reach out to her. Or a text arrives from her doing the same. It might sound trite, but it's an easy way to shift back to a more positive place.
Both people aren't working on the relationship.
One is bored and begins looking elsewhere outside the relationship
Feeling taken for granted
Actually being abused
Constantly dealing with jealousy issues
Being tired of dealing with jealousy issues
My guess - honestly I feel like people who lose their sense of playfulness in their relationships seem to be the ones that drift apart
Guess: incompatibility. That's been 100% of my ended relationships 😒
It may be helpful to remember that constant gratitude is necessary in order to have healthy disagreements. Gratitude builds a foundation that is secure enough for an argument. Dr. Gottman found that the most secure relationships were those where couples were able to find humor during a fight. In other words, having a foundation of gratitude for one another helps you be secure enough to not take yourself too seriously, to see the other person's perspective, and to accept that you may be wrong. You simply can't be too thankful for your partner.
I think divorce comes from when you stop going on dates with eachother, and if you never talk about how you feel or your expectations. You can only pretend your okay with that for so long. You have to be romantic and also have hard conversations with eachother. You have to make sex fun and explore that realm together while also doing basic things like house hold chores and paying bills but you can’t forget the romance or what made you love them and what makes you love them
1- They don't agree on how to raise their kids
2- Fighting about money
3- Someone cheated
4- Communication
Great video, Ana! Thank you for sharing it with us! :) Can it be that friendships also end because of similar reasons, like people not being emotionally engaged with each other anymore (in case they used to be)? I noticed that what made me withdraw from friendships that used to be meaningful was mostly indifference, rather than different beliefs or interests.
That’s a great guess!
Having been through two divorces, I'd say the biggest problem is substantially different values. When one wants to live simply, save for the future, keep within a budget, but the other is spend it as fast if not faster than we get it, no financial self control, big problem. If you can't conceive naturally, do you accept it, try to adopt, or spend tens of thousands on IVF? Where do you draw the line with in laws and relatives who make demands of your time, money, offer unsolicited advice? How do you resolve religious differences and what if one of you wants to change paths? Too many people are in a rush to get married instead of thinking of these things which if they become sources of conflict will destroy a marriage
my guess is that priorities shift once they have kids and they find they're not actually ready to be parents
Overconsumption of alchohol and lack of selfrefleciton is probably the biggest relationship killer. Every1 just want to run on autopilot (I dont blame them)
I guess in answer to "the question," I have to start by saying that I often see romance differently from most people. My first crush died in a car accident when I was 13, and I've come to the conclusion that most people don't go in to a relationship with the reality that one day they or their spouse will die. I get why, because it's not a very comforting subject, but it seems like most people go into a relationship thinking that it's all gonna be sunshine and rainbows. So they choose safe partners, and live safe lives, and when it suddenly dawns on them that they aren't getting any younger, they realize how much they wasted their life with the partner they chose. If more people were aware of the realities of death and loss in love, maybe people would make a more responsible choice when choosing a partner, rather than just falling for all the emotional porn when they meet someone special. If the concept of mortality in romance were taught earlier, there would be a lot more well-informed partners who will choose who they marry wisely.
"Emotional disengagement"
What's even worse are the couples who stay together when they can't stand each other but are too afraid to be single. The ones who have become complacent.
My guess is (before watching) that people don't initially choose someone with the intention of being long-term, and years of forcing things to work based on fading passion lead to divorce. People also just change over time and their partner changes in their own way, causing them to grow apart. This is also probably just an extension of not choosing someone with common values and whom you can see yourself growing with. But also, what do I know? I haven't been in a long term relationship past 1 year lol
False. I am looking for a life term partner. I am not playing around. God design marriage and to love only a living partner.
@@ana-maria448 that's wonderful and I feel the same way for my own life. However, I was saying that many other people do not think like this when entering relationships- they don't think about long term compatibility.
An inability to communicate needs and refusal to compromise
I love the decoration and interior of your home :)
The turtleneck and hair combo looks really nice and cozy
wow, this is the best explanation i've ever heard of the positives of conversational fighting between people in relationships. Most of the others only just speak of the necessary passion part, but this one precedes that important statement with the reason WHY
The unwillingness of one or both partners to work on and evolve their relationship. I would say that's the biggest reason why it doesn't work out. Relationships evolve and when someone or both parties don't want to put in the effort to work on this, the relationship plateaus and fails.
Life's changes unveil incompatibility, people change overtime, mid life crises
Unrelated but I've seen ur pfp in comments before and it is really cool.
Combo of physical (pregnancy/legacy, money, control of environment, ect.) and emotional reasons (unfaithfulness, no feeling of safety, antagonastic fighting, ect.) leading to them unwilling to be open and honest with a dash of values changing over time
Most likely due to boredom. Habit is stronger than love.
I have been married 24 years and it takes some effort but it can work out. I had 2 uncles pass away and one was married 72 years and the other was 67 years.
As a guy who's relative chill, logic minded, works with software/databases, plays multiple instruments, I guess I'm just screwed. I don't feel or relate to passionate people, I hate drama/theatre, I just want to behave like an emotionally adjusted adult, but that seems to be lacking these days, oh well 🙃
Agreed
I have the same problem. I'm "too stable" which feels boring for a lot of people.
My guess is that communication is the root of all problems. When there’s bad communication, fights occur more often and are resolved less often.
My guess was infidelity but I guess that's a step after emotional disengagement for some people. My mother never bothered to end one relationship before starting others. 😂
🤣🤣
This was amazing! It’s something that I have glimpsed in marriages around me, but you started it really clear.
Every 5 years we are a different person than we were before. Part of the commitment to a spouse is to fall in love with that new person and GROW with that person through time. Im guessing people don't do that anymore and just jump ship.
Fun exercise, I'm going to give it a try 😄. Ok, my guess is that the majority of long-term relationships eventually end because of different communication styles. Even if you want the same things and feel the same way, if you can't understand each other, you'll feel like you're on completely different pages.
I love your eyebrows
Also, I just found your channel and really like your content. I like how you give applicable information and explain it well in a way that's easy to understand, but still very scientific.
This makes sense to be honest and ties in with your advice about how to keep relationships healthy and in the honeymoon phase. Thank you for what you do! I try to use your videos and other info to better my relationship and make sure it's healthy and happy :)
Thank you for this tip and reminder.
That's right Ana, fill my head with that beautiful knowledge.
I lost total interest in my husband when I had a baby. I’m not sure it would have happened if there was a strong emotional connection in our marriage. If anyone asked me why I divorced my husband, I’d say he had no interest in my happiness or well-being. I could list many examples demonstrating how little he cared about me. But then I could also list many examples of how I was unkind to him. When my ex remarried, I was very happy because he did not do well alone.
My parents declared their divorce today, what a great timing 😭
Be strong, please, pay attention to your mental health during this hard moment! I hope you will keep on through it! (I mean eventually go to next moments of your life, more light moments, when the time will come)
@@mtowerm4650 Thank you sm for your kind words :D Im fine tho, there is much more fun in life then suffering!
My parents divorced when I was 21, I am 45 now. Don’t do what I did. I was so angry that I acted out in very self destructive ways. Partying and doing crazy stuff. I am okay now, but it is a lot to process for young adults. Express your anger and sadness out loud as much as possible instead of trying to escape through other means. Because if you don’t go through it in the present it will come back to bite you later. Hang in there. Go easy on yourself. Your parents love you. They are just screwed up humans like everyone else. Make a life for yourself you love!
Lack of empathy/friendship.
Thank you for your videos! I've really been enjoying them over the past year or so. Just wanted to say that your hair looks amazing today.
Lack of communication, not pulling the weight with kids and chores at home.
Feeling unappreciated
Amen; death by ice. First marriage, his narcissism grew and to this day, 17 years after the divorce, he still blames me for everything. Second marriage, we had 8 great years before dementia took him. Our past mistakes taught us to cultivate excitement and pleasure together, every chance we could. It was heavenly.
Lack of humour & no metacognition destroys desire. This is because people find risk exciting, people get together because of the risk. As time passes risk reduces and without humour being exchanged it dwindles. People then begin to argue as that introduces unhealthy risk yet the couple don't understand the communication breakdown is because they don't know how to create healthy risk
I have a question for you: Sometimes when I see people argue, they use a defence mechanism where they "surrender" their position, even though they are still mad about it, in the style of "alright, have it your way". My two questions are: why are people doing this? The second one is if you would consider "buying" the other person's surrendering and agree with them, pretending not to understand the sarcasm and say something like"perfect, that's just what I wanted".
To me it seems like a good idea because it forces the other person to either say what they actually feel, or ending their manipulation (because the surrendering feels like a way to manipulate, but I don't really know why it feels that way). What are your thoughts?
I think the main reason people surrender their position in an argument is because they’re tired of arguing, or feel they’re not at all convincing the other person about the validity of their position. Generally, when people surrender their position of the argument, they are in the submissive moment of the relationship. Relationships have two dynamics to them: a dominant person and a submissive person. Each relationship has varying degrees of each dynamic: one may be super dominant and expects the other to always be submissive no matter what. In others, where both persons have super dominant personalities, they will be fighting for dominance. Both kinds of relationships will have some very dramatic arguing, but in different ways.
Generally, surrendering a position in an argument doesn’t lead to manipulating, but rather being manipulated. The winner will further mold the submissive into accepting their position and to work to support their position. The only time surrendering could be used in a manipulative way is if the person makes it transactional. Like, I’ll go along with it, if you’ll do this one thing for me.
@@spacelinx i think this about the difference between being assertive and passive aggressive, sometimes people are assertive and can surrender saying ok, i thought this but now i see your perspective, or they can say 'actually i was wrong' that is still assertive even though it is taking a step back. sometimes people can think something different but say 'ok your way' to get out of the disagreement. that might be because of the pressure they're under like you said if their partner is very dominant but it could be because they need to learn and develop that skill of being honest and standing up for their own needs. sometimes people try to manage other people's feelings because they're very uncomfortable with there being disagreement full stop. it looks like they are being nice but the two parties will become less connected.
Before I watch, every relationship in my extended family that failed, mine included, ended because of betrayal: abuse or infidelity.
Monotony, lack of spontaneity, not being appreciative of each other, not trying to keep the relationship alive (not putting in the effort or work)
Maintaining relationships takes work, you have to invest times into your friends and spouses
I do not love to fight. If someone is constantly trying to provoke me it causes me physical pain. After years of this crap I have now been diagnosed with MS. Hostility aggrevates all my symptoms. I left to save my life and I've pretty much had it with people in general. Love is not worth fighting for. It is, however, worth developing patence and empathy for.
reasons that I can think of:
- not having belief in other partner
- not having common goals
- not having similar values
- being bad at communication
1. Minimize the negative. Don’t be mean or criticize. But nurture the positives, do new things, have positive interactions, laugh and have fun.
2.
You can predict a failed relationship when contempt occurs.
The Gottman Institute.
One partner matures and the other doesn't. That's why I divorced my husband after 18 years. He never matured. He acted like my 4th child.
I theorize that the only thing that keeps couples together is kids. Less people are having kids and so there’s nothing keeping them together.
I think that too
What about the couples who have been together for years and never had kids?
@@QueenCloveroftheice I have met very very very few of those, my personal experience is that’s extremely rare.
Do you think that maybe for people that have kids, they are more likely to have higher patience thresholds due to the kids. And then that increased level of patience/endurance helps to maintain a relationship as well? Raising kids is insane, but it should make you appreciate fellow adults a bit more, IMO anyway.
Always thankful for these types of vids. Thanks, Ana
You bring up a lot of interesting points. And, even better, I loved the fact that you talked about "The Office".
You hit the nail on the head. My marriage didn’t end w a bang it died in a whimper
Unrelated to the topic at hand but girl your hair looks so good pls drop the names of the products you useee🙏🏻
I'm impressed, I don't think I have ever seen a video where 1/5 is just an add
I'm going to guess "Lack of effort in maintaining the relationship". I could also put "lack of quality communication" as a close second.
Can you please do a video on complex PTSD or C-PTSD? I think that I have this an would love to hear your take
Good insight Ana, very much appreciated.
If I had to guess... Improper and infrequent communication and a buildup of resentment that overrules and kind of previously made connection :')
my guess: not being ready to be married in the first place or not being 100% sure they want to marry this person
Well done. Thank you.
I love this video. Great job!
My guess is lack of true compatibility when it comes to expectations for the relationship.
love the analogies in this one
Before dec 4th i could swear i had a great long term relationship, but then this day he came home with the most depressed face I've ever seen, said he wasn't happy anymore... turns out he had a new online girlfriend since september... I had to discover everything alone, he lied to my face till the last second... 5 years in trash, I'm destroyed, I lost everything, it's been hard to accept, now i have to survive alone, because i don't have the luxury to live anymore
Thank you, Ana!
A fight prevents you from taking the other for granted.
I think people endure for a long time and finally get too tired of whether the problem is. They realize staying to save face is crazy as no one really cares and everyone is doing them.
Atomic habits is the book sitting on my shelf too!...I dont recall Pam having an emotional affair with the camera man. Guess its time to rewatch the office lol.