I’m thinking of making TikTok reaction videos a series! Please tag me on TikTok if you want me to react to it or fact-check it @PsychologyWithDrAna Also, I just learned that there's a practice called "cake smash" in Australia and "mordida" in some Latin American cultures, so that definitely clarifies what happened at 8:46... If you're from a culture that has this tradition, I'd love to pick your brain about the following: What are your thoughts on this practice? Was the cake smash in question reflective of how it usually looks? I'm specifically noticing that the birthday girl pushed the other woman's hand when she tried to do it a second time, and she didn't look very happy about it, so how would you balance tradition with boundaries in such a moment?
I think it’s important to keep in mind that it’s possible people who blow up at tiny jabs, while not okay, might have been the target of “just jokes” in their friend groups in the past and now can’t tell if people are joking or being mean
My family has never celebrated birthdays, so they are not a big deal to me. Holidays, on the other hand, do trigger a sense of betrayal or abandonment if friends/ family don't make the gesture to let you know they care.
i never celebrate birthdays or holidays. even christmas or thanksgiving and such were never celebrated in the family. i don't see it as a big deal to celebrate- it's more of an excuse to get off work or school.
in my relationship, i struggle a lot to tell the difference between hidden animosity and lighthearted banter. i can’t tell what’s aggressive intent on his part or what’s just insecurity and sensitivity on my part. it really causes me stress :(
Communicate with your partner and mention your concerns. If you know you have some insecurities, also mention this to your partner to avoid triggers. But you should also be doing inner work to work on these insecurities, so you aren’t projecting onto others.
@@princesspinksugar unfortunately i have explained all of this to him in detail and the problem does not change, as he admits there is animosity. because i know there is, i still can’t tell the difference. thank you for your response!
@@ahem8013 Maybe he isn’t the person for you then. I don’t know your situation extremely well, but someone who cares about you wouldn’t give you the undeniable feeling of animosity. Trust your gut, it could be trying to save you from something you can’t see now.
@@princesspinksugar i think you might be right, im giving it a month to resolve and cutting it off if there’s no improvement. thanks for the affirmation about that :) you are kind
@@ahem8013 Absolutely!! You seem like such a sweet person, please always do what is best for you and what makes feel you happy and at peace. I’m happy I could help :)
Banter is a sign of emotional intimacy and maturity in a relationship. Being able to banter comfortably together is relationship/friendship goals, IMO. It's heathy to have some good-faithed fun with someone you love.
There are levels though and it's perfectly fine for a person not wanting to make that kind of "fun". That's not insecurity, it's called having boundaries. Check yourself
@@marte1376 obviously there are lines not to be crossed but you create those boundaries when you agree to a relationship. If they cross the line expressing healthy anger is essential to letting the person know they've upset you.
Thank you for what you said about birthdays! I swear one of the biggest dumps of poison upon the internet was everyone equating caring about being remembered on your birthday to being a narcissist! Also…is it fucked up to have someone vaguely threaten to stop financially supporting you anytime you try to tell them they’ve hurt your feelings? >o>
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that the internet has a very misguided understanding of what narcissism is😂 And of course I don’t know your specific situation, but generally yes, it is a form of emotional blackmail and extremely manipulative if someone holds financial dependence over your head as a way to control your decisions.
I grew up with a narcissist though and he takes holidays and birthdays way too seriously. Everyone has to be perfect and not embarrass him. He can't take any criticism and always threatened to kick us out as teens and bully us into doing what he wanted.
The tongue on teeth thing often happens with closed mouth. Even I sometimes do it when I’m annoyed, but from the outside all you’ll see is my jaw lowering and a weird sideways pucker of my lips. It’s like I’m biting my tongue to not react impulsively. I wouldn’t call it a warning sign, but a self-soothing gesture. Of course there’s a limit to self-soothing… I’d be worried if I saw a strong guy stretching their neck to release tension while looking pissed, for example.
For the birthday thing, I had a friend who would always miss others' birthdays, events, etc., or make an issue, but when it came to their birthday, they expected everyone to attend some big event, go all out, etc. And we did for a while, but eventually I got tired of the lack of reciprocity, the fact that I was putting in way more effort while when it came to my birthday (which I rarely made a big deal of because it was always downplayed my whole life) it was forgotten or something.
So true about the smile/laugh! Yesterday I watched 3 short interviews with bombardment victims (like they were interviewed right after it happened) in Ukraine and they all smiled/laughed. I found it so uncanny, but actually what you said explains it very well that they were probably in such a shock and trauma, it was their defense mechanism.
For real tho my friends don’t care when it’s my birthday. I’m lucky if I get a happy birthday from anybody. Over the years I’ve just developed a hatred for my birthday because nobody cares,I’m the only one that does. I buy myself gifts and dinner. Whenever I celebrate with my family, my mom and my stepdad is making it all about them. I seriously had my stepdad one year demand that my mom make a flan for me ,for my sister and for him.. she ended up having a breakdown on my birthday because of his demands, and I should preface this by saying that he had recently demanded a divorce from her. Long story short I end up crying on my birthday and making the flans by myself.
I run my tongue across my teeth like that when in a state of severe rage, usually female rage. Trying to hold in my tears or feeling like i'm going to explode has me running my tongue over my top teeth beneath my lip
Lol Ms. Dr. Ana, I have been following, watching, & subscribed to you for YEARSSS. I love your content sooo much & usually I would just comment on the incredible information & insight that you give out to the UA-cam world, but today I will focus on your looks instead lol. I just wanted to say that while watching you, your beauty, essence, & aura reminds me of a 1950s Hollywood starlet, like Ms. Audrey Hepburn. Along with a mixture of a 2020s new age witchy witch. You have such a beautiful look. It’s so romantic yet, soft, down to earth, & a gentle nudge towards the right direction. I could see you in sooo many different Hollywood movies or musical groups. Your look gives a whole archetype.
The only thing I want to add to the birthday cake, in Hispanic (specifically Mexican) culture, the birthday cake head push where the kid gets caked is somewhat a cultural tradition, and it's usually associated with buying 2 cakes, the one you eat and the cheap one you push the birthday person's face into. It's another aspect of cultural traditions making the situation different in how it's perceived.
It doesn't make you a narcissist to point out and notice the way that repeated subtle neglect adds up. My ex decided to move to the other side of the country on my birthday. I was upset, but he refused to change the date. After many years, I ended that relationship shortly after. One sign of many that I wasn't a priority.
I think people need a re-education as to what a “friend” is. I feel like most people are unaware but think themselves knowledgeable…. Most of you are actually friendless.
Saying "sounds like you have a crush" is not necessarily "banter" it cpuld be deeply hurtful, so may e yiu didnt lnow that person well enough to poke them with a stick over somethung like love amd attraction, relationships , etc
Dr Ana, you mentioned being secure and self-esteem a lot here, do you have any recommendations for resources for improving those? I looked at your course but it seems more relationship focused.
To be honest, the only people I poke fun at are family. I know their insecurities because they have told me, so I already know what sensitive areas to avoid. I can be the right amount of saracstic with some sassiness without being afraid that I went too far. I never poke fun at people outside of my family. In my opinion, the risks aren't worth it. I'm a bit on the extreme end though. I think healthy poking fun at a friend is alright, but I'm just too afraid to cross that bridge with others.
They are suppose to push her face into the cake, not grab the cake and rub their hands on the girls face, that's nasty. And not everyone wants this to happen she clearly didn't want to participate in it.
It scares me when ppl are “body language experts” bc I’m neurodivergent and I have a bit of a delayed processing of hearing and interpreting what someone just said to me then I have to think what reaction is “normal” to give back and I know I look all kinds of ways when I’m doing this so I think it’s kind of unfair. The other vids about the girls bday, friends negative comments/jokes, & keeping a mental record of how ppl act towards you is the actual valuable and information here.
It scares me, too. I don't have normal reactions to things because I'm neurodivergent. I don't always make eye contact, I'm quiet, I have delayed responses, I fidget... I've had people tell me I'm suss or give them bad vibes. People have made fun of me behind my back and to my face because I don't act as expected or have "weird" mannerisms. Coworkers have called me creepy for being quiet and other hurtful things just because I don't act the way they want me to. I have no bad intentions, and I try my best, but people don't care, especially if they don't know you.
I don’t cry during traumatic events sometimes ,and I sometimes laugh during awkward/unfortunate situations. This era always has me triple checking my reactions so people don’t automatically judge me based off of it.
I feel this in my soul. Some of my mannerisms like over explaining for example is often used as a tactic to deceit someone or try to hide s lie but like no im just neurospicy and sadly that is just part of how I am 😅 which I didnt even learn this information until the last few years and im like oh wow I do everything wrong 💀😂
About the birthday cake video, "mordida", which is what the older woman was yelling, translates to "bite" in spanish and it's a mexican tradition in which we push people into the cake (I have no idea why lol) and it's quite common for people to opt out precisely because some people go batshit. For instance, if you took a long time to get ready for your special day, maybe you tried extra hard on your make up, you'd likely avoid the tradicional pushed-into-a-f*cking-cake mordida, and maybe go for a careful bite into a slice of cake, so you'd tell people around you that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO PUSH YOU. What the older woman did seems too aggressive, so I agree that it does seem driven by animosity, but it might be overlooked since she can say "It's a tradition!!"
That makes a lot of sense!! I actually wonder if the young woman in blue might have been there to sort of "guard" the birthday girl from anyone who might try something she had determined she didn't want ahead of time
People like to veil bad behavior under "traditions". In the end of the day, it doesn't matter. If the person is clearly uncomfortable and the other person is doubling down on the behavior, it stems from malice.
Took me 30. I’d go through it all over again just to meet the beautiful people In my life now all over again 🥹 Its healing in ways you don’t know until you experience it
Ive heard the cake in the face thing is a tradition for some cultures, but its happened to me before and even though it was in good fun, i have never felt so awful on my birthday in my entire life when that happened to me, nothing about it felt fun at all
me too. my "friend" shoved a cupcake right into my eye at my birthday and it burned. this was in elementary school or early middle school but she continued to violate boundaries for the rest of our friendship
100% true about abusers and birthdays. I wish this kind of Contant was around when I was in the thick of it. It’s a very hard thing to understand when someone is intentionally doing things to make you cry or make you upset. Then gaslight you that it’s not a big deal. My ex would tell me he wanted a birthday party or something specific, and I would make it happen, and then on my birthday he would last minute hand write me a card. That was it or he would be angry, upset with himself, and make it all about him being a loser being there so that. I would end up, comforting him. Don’t waste 14 years or any years on people who can’t make you feel special one day a year lol
The birthday one is really related to culture (but I don’t enjoy it at all 😭). As someone who lives somewhere we’re it’s very common tbh I feel it’s a weird tradition, it’s unhygienic and ruining good cake for the guests. When I turned 15 one of my friends faceplanted me to the cake so bad I got it up in my nose and messed up my hair I had straightened for the party ;( we are pretty good friends but sometimes this varies a lot between families and it makes some people super uncomfortable (especially if you are all pretty and with makeup for your bday)
The birthday cake thing seems to be a "tradition" in some Mexican cultures (sometimes they faceplant the bday person onto the cake), and some people take it way too seriously. I wasn't a fan of it when dating one of my exes from Mexican descent (although when I asked the family not to do that to me, they obliged.. my ex was never so lucky). I know you did a whole video on cultural norms and all, some points I agreed with you on, some points I didn't. I think it's not uncommon to see people hiding their rudeness behind "this is my culture", just like a lot of people hide behind "it's just a joke".
I noticed how insecure my brother is because when I made a good shot in pool in front of his friends he felt the need to yell to everyone that i dont take criticism well. This was after he tried to tell me i dont put my hand on the table properly.
My mom told me growing up that "why should u be celebrated today - you just came out - i gave birth to you - celebrate me." Technically she isn't wrong. But i don't particularly like the fact that im living so i dont see a reason to celebrate her either.
The cake thing is definitely animosity , I had a “friend” from years ago tell me he was gonna do this exact same thing to me on my 21st … and he turned out to be super fake
Listen listen... It's about whether you are talking to someone you consider a person that's barely a friend or it is a friend you would consider family. Banter with people you call family can be viewed as cruel by a bystander
I don't care about celebrating my birthday but I completely understand that a lot of people love it. I don't think how you behave on someone's birthday is really indicative of that much. I think it's more about the 24/7 relationship, not any particular holiday or birthday. Having said that, it makes sense that some people would take it very personally for a friend to not celebrate them on their birthday and I think it's really important for all of us to make it clear to our friends if a certain day/event is particularly precious to us.
Guys let me know: ON my birthday, at my birthday party (threw myself a 28th birthday for the first time🥰) A very close friend made the joke, “you should watch euphoria! I feel like you’d relate so much to Cassie.” All I know is that Cassie is kind of the villain? Low self esteem, really boy crazy, betrayed her best friend? It’s well known im the single friend in the group, we’re all 28ish, everyone else is married and have never been single adults (e.g., met their husbands in high school). I mention that bc maybe they just don’t understand dating as an adult, so maybe it’s giving Cassie vibes?? Idk?? I still can’t tell if I’m just sensitive bc I did have a lot of anxiety/shame(?) about throwing myself a birthday party, like is that embarrassing? LOL Or if that was actually hidden animosity. Thoughts???
Depends because Cassie was/is a really sweet, passionate character with a lot of love to give depends if they meant season 1 cassie where her girl next door persona really shone or season 2 cassie where she kinda went off the rails (she has a lot of trauma it's not an excuse but it explains her actions )
i wouldn't say it's a jab per se, though it could be that she sees the humanity of that character, maybe how sweet she iis yet how vulnerable and delicate she appears, etc. i'd say just straight up ask your friend what she meant by it and get a direct answer. that will stop the wondering
Also why would throwing yourself a party “make you like cassie” they probably see you as “low self esteem either way or either version of cassie. And im sure you’re not!
I haven't seen the show, but if I were you I'd ask them what specifically about Cassie they think you'd relate to. That way, a) you aren't stuck guessing and b) if it was a jab they're stuck trying to defend it and may have a moment of self reflection.
Happy Belated Birthday!🎉 Also don't feel bad about having thrown yourself a birthday party! Actually, I think that's a smart idea because who else is going to know exactly how you'd like to celebrate your special day? More people should do that.
It's really funny that you've just posted this video. I'm having an issue in my current friendship group where my bestie and I have noticed a lot of animosity in the undertones of conversations with our friends and we're not sure how to address it
I love banter and I agree with like everything you said but one thing is that when dealing with someone who you have to regualrly interact with in a family or work setting, I will defned myself once and if they absolutely lose it and make a scence, from then on i will not defend myself. I employ the DEEP method that was created for natcissists (but someone doesn't have to be diagnozed witha personality disorder to act unhindged and self obsorbed) The DEEP method is: don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain, don’t personalize. Its not the same as ignoring or stone walling, it is a way of responding without engaging when someone "jokes" or outright insults you but you have to interact with them in the future or be around them for along time. I highly reccomend it! TLDR: Not defending yourself all the time can free up so much stress. Just do it once and let go.
Imma be honest I'm not with all that... Miss me with the punching bag piñata BS. If you cross me, you're an opp at that point on and i don't even need to discuss it with everybody. Especially if you're giving dangerous then I'm giving danger energy right back.
I remember bantering a lot with my friends in middle school and high school, but now that I’m in university I feel like everyone’s walking on eggshells about anything, people take themselves way too seriously, even in close friend groups.
People still do all that today. The only difference is we have more space and knowledge to discuss and identify when interactions are not just banter, but rather animosity. When we know better, we can do better.
Hey Dr. Ana, loved the video as always. Can you make a video about if A.I. will ever replace therapists (psychologists)? I think it will be a pretty interesting topic, especially for people who want to work in psychology, but are anxious that A.I. will replace human therapist (and other psychology workers). For example: computerized CBT is proven to have the same effectiveness as CBT with a human therapist. Can A.I replace CBT therapist? Can they replace psychodynamic therapist? Is human connection really that important in therapy? Would love to hear your opinion about it, Dr. Ana. Thank you, and keep up the great work. (Also English is my second language, so sorry for the grammatic errors).
The attitude of “it’s not such a big deal” when it comes to things like celebrating birthdays or couples celebrating valentines day really annoys me personally. Because I don’t think if you don’t care about of things it really matters, if you care about the person you’ll recognise it matters to them and support them
Great video! I love this format- it’s entertaining enough to watch you react to the tiktoks but the added insights & takeaways are super helpful. Thank you Dr Ana!
I just went though a friend breakup and I feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders. She was so toxic, and I was the one doing everything for her. Always there for her, I hand made stuff for her baby shower, wedding and birthdays. She just said “oh happy birthday..” each time. I new it wasn’t an equal friendship when I came over to her house to hangout for my birthday and she didn’t offer me anything. A drink, a snack nothing. Her birthday is New Year’s Eve so every year I threw her a BANGER got her favorite booze, foods and other shit. I’m on a fixed income too sooo
The body language one has a half truth. The tongue part is a little weird but lifting the lips (without smiling) enough to show the teeth can be a sign of disgust.
2:55 I think it’s fine to attack your friends character sometimes. A lot of my friends ended up furries and well go look at furr affinity. They don’t understand why I don’t like kids at furry conventions. Or what was it called Furrfest with the diaper orgy?
Hey Ana, could you maybe make a video on envy? I find myself to often be the envier in situations as my life is not turning out to be how I want it to. Not a justification btw. I don’t like it about myself and I hate myself for it. What can one do? Thank you
9:09 This is a Latino thing, we always dunk the birthday boy’s/girl’s face into their cake and if we don’t want to ruin the cake we just smear so of it on their face. I don’t know these people so I don’t know if that lady was genuinely spiteful but it is a very common tradition amongst Latinos
One time! A single time, a man ran his tongue across his teeth at me, however it was unequivocally a come on, not animosity. His eyes said I will take you places you never been before, but it made me want to barf. lmao
hey Dr Ana! I normally watch and like but don't comment; I commented this time just to vocalize that I really enjoyed this style of video. I found it both informative (extremely) and entertaining. As always thanks for everything you do!
Here's the thing, my friend gives me shit for not going to her birthday party knowing my sister has the same birthday as her, And im a "fake friend". You know at this point I dont even care anymore, say what you want about me, she's being like super needy.
I took a look at the body language expert debunking video you recommended. I think the issue is that many public body language "experts" are making it up as they go. There are only a few cues and very limited associated feelings in the literature. You're right, most signs which "body language experts" swear are indicators of deception are simply indicators of nervousness. Body language analyses are almost never applicable to political speeches or staged events, anyway. Actually Paul Ekman's work is pretty funny because he probably coined the term "micro-expression" just because it sounds catchy, and it really has nothing to do with his actual research or teaching. A micro-expression is simply a regular expression that appears for an extremely brief period of time. I spent 40 hours learning Paul Ekman's work and recognizing micro-aggressions, but in real life actual micro-expressions are very rare. Expressions are usually plastered on people's faces. It IS useful to recognize certain expressions so that we know when we've insulted someone or made them uncomfortable, and it allows us to get away from someone before they're about to attack us.
When i feel physicaly treathened my jaw gets hard and while trying to calm myself i move my tonge trough my teeth since y cant move it anywhere else, of courae it doesnt happend
20:08 Happens to me sometimes, I call it laughing in empathy, If I have felt the same way or understand you I will laugh, it's not that I find your pain funny, I just understand and for some reason I laugh which is so awkward
as someone with my own impulse control difficulties humor is an interesting point of conflict sometimes 🤔 makes me think of how i've found and heard about that, potential animosity aside, when people have an inconsistency with their own sense of sensitivity to humor that's really a good point to drop it and show them sensitivity in return because when laughing it off doesn't seem like the faintest option anymore something could be really off for them? love the little glimpse into the bookshelf and love a critical take on picking apart microexpressions!
I stopped being the first one to message 2 of my friends. We celebrated both their birthdays and when it came to mine...they magically weren't available and never reached out to make a new date. They don't reach out and when I see them randomly, they say "WOW I was gonna hit you up"
the birthday thing is like when a religious person says that saying they will pray for someone cant be condesending...its like now they are dictating other peoples emotions. why would you assume animosity where there can be different values
I agree about the micro expressions being pseudo science. Sometimes I noticed I can have really weird micro expressions depending on how the person is telling their sad story or happy story. If they smile I will smile back. Also, it can also depends on my mood. If I had a really bad day, I may not be or show that much happiness for a friend who is telling me about their good news. It's not because I don't want them to be happy, it's just because that day I just won't be able to feel joy as easily, that's all. I noticed that a lot of misinformation like this tends to dramatize things a lot. Even probably make people a bit paranoid. That's not very useful for relationships Great content as always Ana!
Me spending time with my sister and our friends and she goes on to start to say “remember that time when we was kids..” then goes on to tell everyone in the room something very embarrassing for me and laugh at me. And I’d site there thinking. “Why would you say that? That hurt my feelings.” I hate it. I hate that now she an adult and says she’s just being honest or it’s just a joke. I hope one day they grow up.
Yes, Can you make a video about the imitating friend or parent? That one friend who watch your every move and copy you? and dive deeply why parents could show the same behavior? Is it jealousy or need for validation or obsession?
I personally dont care if someone doesn't tell me happy birthday, I dont even care that today is my birthday, you shouldn't need a certain day in the year where you are happy with yourself, why not be happy with yourself all year long. Someone else’s words shouldn't affect your happiness. Plus, the world moves and people got stuff to do, no need to create a whole drama series just because someone didnt tell you 2 words.
This video makes me feel so not alone when it comes the situation with my sister: long story short she’s said a lot of passive aggressive things about me and my husband (at the time fiancé) and when I made a jab back at her once she said that me and him are “toxic” bc all we do is fight around her and she doesn’t want to be around it (which is not true any time I tell that story to anyone else we know they are so confused bc me and my husband don’t argue a lot). But she’s the one who’s made when I hold her to it and don’t come around her anymore.
the cake video, is a mexican tradition they're yelling "mordida" which means "bite" in spanish, normally people smash the birthday person's face into the cake, which a lot of people dont really love, but when its your birthday you kind of know that's what's gonna happen. i don't think that small video is enough to know if there's animosity, some people just get way too excited about the tradition and go over the top
I’m thinking of making TikTok reaction videos a series! Please tag me on TikTok if you want me to react to it or fact-check it @PsychologyWithDrAna
Also, I just learned that there's a practice called "cake smash" in Australia and "mordida" in some Latin American cultures, so that definitely clarifies what happened at 8:46... If you're from a culture that has this tradition, I'd love to pick your brain about the following: What are your thoughts on this practice? Was the cake smash in question reflective of how it usually looks? I'm specifically noticing that the birthday girl pushed the other woman's hand when she tried to do it a second time, and she didn't look very happy about it, so how would you balance tradition with boundaries in such a moment?
Yes! 🙏
I think it’s important to keep in mind that it’s possible people who blow up at tiny jabs, while not okay, might have been the target of “just jokes” in their friend groups in the past and now can’t tell if people are joking or being mean
Absolutely on point.
Exactly
I agree, stop disrespect at the beginning
The "runs tongue across teeth" mannerism is just one of those things that can only ever exist in a mafia boyfriend fanfic
"His eyes darkened. The tip of his tongue slithered across dagger-sharp teeth--a surefire sign of aggression." 😂😂😂
@@AnaPsychology Listen, I understand you are a writer but it's concerning how good you are at this 😅
I just do that when my lips are dry…
@@mr.irrelevent8956 You lick your teeth when your lips are dry? How does that help with dry lips?
I run my tongue across my teeth all the time. It helps me to stop clenching so hard.
My family has never celebrated birthdays, so they are not a big deal to me. Holidays, on the other hand, do trigger a sense of betrayal or abandonment if friends/ family don't make the gesture to let you know they care.
i never celebrate birthdays or holidays. even christmas or thanksgiving and such were never celebrated in the family. i don't see it as a big deal to celebrate- it's more of an excuse to get off work or school.
@@sadlittlewispjust because you don’t see them as important doesn’t make them not important…
birthdays are the lowest bars if people cant show up dont care then u have very wrong friends
in my relationship, i struggle a lot to tell the difference between hidden animosity and lighthearted banter. i can’t tell what’s aggressive intent on his part or what’s just insecurity and sensitivity on my part. it really causes me stress :(
Communicate with your partner and mention your concerns. If you know you have some insecurities, also mention this to your partner to avoid triggers. But you should also be doing inner work to work on these insecurities, so you aren’t projecting onto others.
@@princesspinksugar unfortunately i have explained all of this to him in detail and the problem does not change, as he admits there is animosity. because i know there is, i still can’t tell the difference. thank you for your response!
@@ahem8013 Maybe he isn’t the person for you then. I don’t know your situation extremely well, but someone who cares about you wouldn’t give you the undeniable feeling of animosity. Trust your gut, it could be trying to save you from something you can’t see now.
@@princesspinksugar i think you might be right, im giving it a month to resolve and cutting it off if there’s no improvement. thanks for the affirmation about that :) you are kind
@@ahem8013 Absolutely!! You seem like such a sweet person, please always do what is best for you and what makes feel you happy and at peace. I’m happy I could help :)
Banter is a sign of emotional intimacy and maturity in a relationship. Being able to banter comfortably together is relationship/friendship goals, IMO. It's heathy to have some good-faithed fun with someone you love.
There are levels though and it's perfectly fine for a person not wanting to make that kind of "fun". That's not insecurity, it's called having boundaries. Check yourself
@@marte1376 obviously there are lines not to be crossed but you create those boundaries when you agree to a relationship. If they cross the line expressing healthy anger is essential to letting the person know they've upset you.
@@marte1376shut up
In my group we call it making fun of people who would actually act that way or say that.
Thank you for what you said about birthdays! I swear one of the biggest dumps of poison upon the internet was everyone equating caring about being remembered on your birthday to being a narcissist!
Also…is it fucked up to have someone vaguely threaten to stop financially supporting you anytime you try to tell them they’ve hurt your feelings? >o>
If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that the internet has a very misguided understanding of what narcissism is😂
And of course I don’t know your specific situation, but generally yes, it is a form of emotional blackmail and extremely manipulative if someone holds financial dependence over your head as a way to control your decisions.
I grew up with a narcissist though and he takes holidays and birthdays way too seriously. Everyone has to be perfect and not embarrass him. He can't take any criticism and always threatened to kick us out as teens and bully us into doing what he wanted.
@@HalflingMarqueeyes but that’s one person… that doesn’t mean the holidays/birthdays are not important
@@7ShadowMaiden7 Could it be narcissistic if a person doesn't care much about birthdays, including their own?
The tongue on teeth thing often happens with closed mouth. Even I sometimes do it when I’m annoyed, but from the outside all you’ll see is my jaw lowering and a weird sideways pucker of my lips. It’s like I’m biting my tongue to not react impulsively.
I wouldn’t call it a warning sign, but a self-soothing gesture. Of course there’s a limit to self-soothing… I’d be worried if I saw a strong guy stretching their neck to release tension while looking pissed, for example.
I truly understand my friends when they don't show on my birthday, when they have to prioritize their own plans, and even when we rarely talk.
What’s wrong w you?
Because their views differ from yours there has to be something wrong with them?
For the birthday thing, I had a friend who would always miss others' birthdays, events, etc., or make an issue, but when it came to their birthday, they expected everyone to attend some big event, go all out, etc. And we did for a while, but eventually I got tired of the lack of reciprocity, the fact that I was putting in way more effort while when it came to my birthday (which I rarely made a big deal of because it was always downplayed my whole life) it was forgotten or something.
It’s a gut feeling in my stomach and I simply block them ✨ envy can be dangerous.
So true about the smile/laugh! Yesterday I watched 3 short interviews with bombardment victims (like they were interviewed right after it happened) in Ukraine and they all smiled/laughed. I found it so uncanny, but actually what you said explains it very well that they were probably in such a shock and trauma, it was their defense mechanism.
For real tho my friends don’t care when it’s my birthday. I’m lucky if I get a happy birthday from anybody. Over the years I’ve just developed a hatred for my birthday because nobody cares,I’m the only one that does. I buy myself gifts and dinner. Whenever I celebrate with my family, my mom and my stepdad is making it all about them. I seriously had my stepdad one year demand that my mom make a flan for me ,for my sister and for him.. she ended up having a breakdown on my birthday because of his demands, and I should preface this by saying that he had recently demanded a divorce from her. Long story short I end up crying on my birthday and making the flans by myself.
“They might secretly be a lion.” 😂
I run my tongue across my teeth like that when in a state of severe rage, usually female rage. Trying to hold in my tears or feeling like i'm going to explode has me running my tongue over my top teeth beneath my lip
I think not showing up for a friend on their birthday is one thing, not even wishing your friend a happy birthday is another.
Lol Ms. Dr. Ana, I have been following, watching, & subscribed to you for YEARSSS. I love your content sooo much & usually I would just comment on the incredible information & insight that you give out to the UA-cam world, but today I will focus on your looks instead lol.
I just wanted to say that while watching you, your beauty, essence, & aura reminds me of a 1950s Hollywood starlet, like Ms. Audrey Hepburn. Along with a mixture of a 2020s new age witchy witch. You have such a beautiful look. It’s so romantic yet, soft, down to earth, & a gentle nudge towards the right direction. I could see you in sooo many different Hollywood movies or musical groups. Your look gives a whole archetype.
Great video! Love your channel🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿🙌🏿
This whole topic reminds me of the concept of the "evil eye".
The only thing I want to add to the birthday cake, in Hispanic (specifically Mexican) culture, the birthday cake head push where the kid gets caked is somewhat a cultural tradition, and it's usually associated with buying 2 cakes, the one you eat and the cheap one you push the birthday person's face into. It's another aspect of cultural traditions making the situation different in how it's perceived.
I don’t have secret animosity. I have in your face, out on front street animosity.
I love that you recommend munecat's video, it is so well done. Great upload :)
It doesn't make you a narcissist to point out and notice the way that repeated subtle neglect adds up. My ex decided to move to the other side of the country on my birthday. I was upset, but he refused to change the date. After many years, I ended that relationship shortly after. One sign of many that I wasn't a priority.
@20:01 "They might secretly be a lion" Ana 😂😂😂
I’m sensitive to bantering, not on the social cues that other people are with them 😢
Can you please make a separate video how to deal with passive agression?
the idk they might secretly be a lion KILLED me
banter? fun. but i know someone who keeps countering what I say negatively. it looks light-hearted but ugh....
I think people need a re-education as to what a “friend” is.
I feel like most people are unaware but think themselves knowledgeable….
Most of you are actually friendless.
12:24 I do this all the time omg I am a crazy cat lady (I do it to clean my teeth and feel for gunk usually but I do it when I'm irritated)
Dogs, wolves and humans all have the same thing in common right before that they attack you they will lick their teeth.
you dont need to be a "body language expert" to see these things.
Saying "sounds like you have a crush" is not necessarily "banter" it cpuld be deeply hurtful, so may e yiu didnt lnow that person well enough to poke them with a stick over somethung like love amd attraction, relationships , etc
Great breakdown!
Dr Ana, you mentioned being secure and self-esteem a lot here, do you have any recommendations for resources for improving those? I looked at your course but it seems more relationship focused.
Super scared of some Machiavellian secret animosity! But ya!
Food for thought.
Is being passive aggressive because of reactive abuse the same o
3:03
I think you should stop spending your time on TikTok or any other social medias, as if they are representative of anything.
To be honest, the only people I poke fun at are family. I know their insecurities because they have told me, so I already know what sensitive areas to avoid. I can be the right amount of saracstic with some sassiness without being afraid that I went too far. I never poke fun at people outside of my family. In my opinion, the risks aren't worth it.
I'm a bit on the extreme end though. I think healthy poking fun at a friend is alright, but I'm just too afraid to cross that bridge with others.
???????why would a birthday matter? you litteraly dont choose that. why would you assume thats anamosity when you have different values
The cake in the face is a Mexican -thing on your birthday. I think you read this one wrong.
Oh, really? That makes more sense then... But the birthday girl looked pretty uncomfortable and tried to stop it the second time :/
Birthday girl looked PISSED tho
They are suppose to push her face into the cake, not grab the cake and rub their hands on the girls face, that's nasty. And not everyone wants this to happen she clearly didn't want to participate in it.
Wait... "Husband and I?"... Unsubscribed....
A person running their tongue over their teeth is a subconscious sign that someone just had their braces removed hahaha
omg i forgot i used to do that
bahahah
I only over do this when I'm paranoid have food on my teeth, even though I don't have braces haha
It scares me when ppl are “body language experts” bc I’m neurodivergent and I have a bit of a delayed processing of hearing and interpreting what someone just said to me then I have to think what reaction is “normal” to give back and I know I look all kinds of ways when I’m doing this so I think it’s kind of unfair. The other vids about the girls bday, friends negative comments/jokes, & keeping a mental record of how ppl act towards you is the actual valuable and information here.
Same
It scares me, too. I don't have normal reactions to things because I'm neurodivergent. I don't always make eye contact, I'm quiet, I have delayed responses, I fidget... I've had people tell me I'm suss or give them bad vibes. People have made fun of me behind my back and to my face because I don't act as expected or have "weird" mannerisms. Coworkers have called me creepy for being quiet and other hurtful things just because I don't act the way they want me to. I have no bad intentions, and I try my best, but people don't care, especially if they don't know you.
I don’t cry during traumatic events sometimes ,and I sometimes laugh during awkward/unfortunate situations. This era always has me triple checking my reactions so people don’t automatically judge me based off of it.
I feel this in my soul. Some of my mannerisms like over explaining for example is often used as a tactic to deceit someone or try to hide s lie but like no im just neurospicy and sadly that is just part of how I am 😅 which I didnt even learn this information until the last few years and im like oh wow I do everything wrong 💀😂
@@Likelyfairyi relate so much to this.
About the birthday cake video, "mordida", which is what the older woman was yelling, translates to "bite" in spanish and it's a mexican tradition in which we push people into the cake (I have no idea why lol) and it's quite common for people to opt out precisely because some people go batshit. For instance, if you took a long time to get ready for your special day, maybe you tried extra hard on your make up, you'd likely avoid the tradicional pushed-into-a-f*cking-cake mordida, and maybe go for a careful bite into a slice of cake, so you'd tell people around you that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO PUSH YOU. What the older woman did seems too aggressive, so I agree that it does seem driven by animosity, but it might be overlooked since she can say "It's a tradition!!"
That makes a lot of sense!! I actually wonder if the young woman in blue might have been there to sort of "guard" the birthday girl from anyone who might try something she had determined she didn't want ahead of time
As a Mexican all I can say is everybody hates it! Idk why many people still do it, is also, super dangerous
Its the way she came back for more and went for her eye, to me. Suoer agressive and unnecessary.
People like to veil bad behavior under "traditions". In the end of the day, it doesn't matter. If the person is clearly uncomfortable and the other person is doubling down on the behavior, it stems from malice.
i enjoy the cake smash lol!
It has taken me 26 years to experience what real friends should be like… :(
Better late than never!
Not very many people have what it takes to be a good friend so sometimes it's the people around you who are the problem.
I hope I get to experience it too. ❤
Took me 30. I’d go through it all over again just to meet the beautiful people In my life now all over again 🥹 Its healing in ways you don’t know until you experience it
Believe it or not, that’s normal
Ive heard the cake in the face thing is a tradition for some cultures, but its happened to me before and even though it was in good fun, i have never felt so awful on my birthday in my entire life when that happened to me, nothing about it felt fun at all
Makes sense.
me too. my "friend" shoved a cupcake right into my eye at my birthday and it burned. this was in elementary school or early middle school but she continued to violate boundaries for the rest of our friendship
100% true about abusers and birthdays. I wish this kind of Contant was around when I was in the thick of it. It’s a very hard thing to understand when someone is intentionally doing things to make you cry or make you upset. Then gaslight you that it’s not a big deal.
My ex would tell me he wanted a birthday party or something specific, and I would make it happen, and then on my birthday he would last minute hand write me a card. That was it or he would be angry, upset with himself, and make it all about him being a loser being there so that. I would end up, comforting him.
Don’t waste 14 years or any years on people who can’t make you feel special one day a year lol
I love bantering with people but only people I really trust.
Me too! Otherwise, it makes me feel like they're overstepping their current trust.
True, there's gotta be a foundation of established warmth and positive regard
@@isabelblancas8230yeahh overstepping
Familiarity is essential!!!
Your hair is so pretty.
The birthday one is really related to culture (but I don’t enjoy it at all 😭). As someone who lives somewhere we’re it’s very common tbh I feel it’s a weird tradition, it’s unhygienic and ruining good cake for the guests. When I turned 15 one of my friends faceplanted me to the cake so bad I got it up in my nose and messed up my hair I had straightened for the party ;( we are pretty good friends but sometimes this varies a lot between families and it makes some people super uncomfortable (especially if you are all pretty and with makeup for your bday)
I only run my tongue over my teeth when I think I have food stuck between them
The birthday cake thing seems to be a "tradition" in some Mexican cultures (sometimes they faceplant the bday person onto the cake), and some people take it way too seriously. I wasn't a fan of it when dating one of my exes from Mexican descent (although when I asked the family not to do that to me, they obliged.. my ex was never so lucky).
I know you did a whole video on cultural norms and all, some points I agreed with you on, some points I didn't. I think it's not uncommon to see people hiding their rudeness behind "this is my culture", just like a lot of people hide behind "it's just a joke".
I noticed how insecure my brother is because when I made a good shot in pool in front of his friends he felt the need to yell to everyone that i dont take criticism well. This was after he tried to tell me i dont put my hand on the table properly.
My mom told me growing up that "why should u be celebrated today - you just came out - i gave birth to you - celebrate me." Technically she isn't wrong. But i don't particularly like the fact that im living so i dont see a reason to celebrate her either.
Wow
The cake thing is definitely animosity , I had a “friend” from years ago tell me he was gonna do this exact same thing to me on my 21st … and he turned out to be super fake
A similar expression related to that advice on passive aggressive remarks that I love is telling people to "say it with your chest"
Listen listen... It's about whether you are talking to someone you consider a person that's barely a friend or it is a friend you would consider family.
Banter with people you call family can be viewed as cruel by a bystander
I don't care about celebrating my birthday but I completely understand that a lot of people love it. I don't think how you behave on someone's birthday is really indicative of that much. I think it's more about the 24/7 relationship, not any particular holiday or birthday. Having said that, it makes sense that some people would take it very personally for a friend to not celebrate them on their birthday and I think it's really important for all of us to make it clear to our friends if a certain day/event is particularly precious to us.
Guys let me know:
ON my birthday, at my birthday party (threw myself a 28th birthday for the first time🥰)
A very close friend made the joke, “you should watch euphoria! I feel like you’d relate so much to Cassie.”
All I know is that Cassie is kind of the villain? Low self esteem, really boy crazy, betrayed her best friend?
It’s well known im the single friend in the group, we’re all 28ish, everyone else is married and have never been single adults (e.g., met their husbands in high school). I mention that bc maybe they just don’t understand dating as an adult, so maybe it’s giving Cassie vibes?? Idk??
I still can’t tell if I’m just sensitive bc I did have a lot of anxiety/shame(?) about throwing myself a birthday party, like is that embarrassing? LOL
Or if that was actually hidden animosity.
Thoughts???
Depends because Cassie was/is a really sweet, passionate character with a lot of love to give depends if they meant season 1 cassie where her girl next door persona really shone or season 2 cassie where she kinda went off the rails (she has a lot of trauma it's not an excuse but it explains her actions )
i wouldn't say it's a jab per se, though it could be that she sees the humanity of that character, maybe how sweet she iis yet how vulnerable and delicate she appears, etc. i'd say just straight up ask your friend what she meant by it and get a direct answer. that will stop the wondering
Also why would throwing yourself a party “make you like cassie” they probably see you as “low self esteem either way or either version of cassie. And im sure you’re not!
I haven't seen the show, but if I were you I'd ask them what specifically about Cassie they think you'd relate to. That way, a) you aren't stuck guessing and b) if it was a jab they're stuck trying to defend it and may have a moment of self reflection.
Happy Belated Birthday!🎉 Also don't feel bad about having thrown yourself a birthday party! Actually, I think that's a smart idea because who else is going to know exactly how you'd like to celebrate your special day? More people should do that.
It's really funny that you've just posted this video. I'm having an issue in my current friendship group where my bestie and I have noticed a lot of animosity in the undertones of conversations with our friends and we're not sure how to address it
Less involvement
I love banter and I agree with like everything you said but one thing is that when dealing with someone who you have to regualrly interact with in a family or work setting, I will defned myself once and if they absolutely lose it and make a scence, from then on i will not defend myself. I employ the DEEP method that was created for natcissists (but someone doesn't have to be diagnozed witha personality disorder to act unhindged and self obsorbed) The DEEP method is: don’t defend, don’t engage, don’t explain, don’t personalize. Its not the same as ignoring or stone walling, it is a way of responding without engaging when someone "jokes" or outright insults you but you have to interact with them in the future or be around them for along time. I highly reccomend it!
TLDR: Not defending yourself all the time can free up so much stress. Just do it once and let go.
Imma be honest I'm not with all that... Miss me with the punching bag piñata BS. If you cross me, you're an opp at that point on and i don't even need to discuss it with everybody. Especially if you're giving dangerous then I'm giving danger energy right back.
I love good banter w ppl that know boundaries
Ok, I'm a boomer ( on the cusp of Gen X. When I was in school, someone running their tongue across their teeth meant they were horny
WWHHAATT
I remember bantering a lot with my friends in middle school and high school, but now that I’m in university I feel like everyone’s walking on eggshells about anything, people take themselves way too seriously, even in close friend groups.
People still do all that today. The only difference is we have more space and knowledge to discuss and identify when interactions are not just banter, but rather animosity. When we know better, we can do better.
Hey Dr. Ana, loved the video as always. Can you make a video about if A.I. will ever replace therapists (psychologists)? I think it will be a pretty interesting topic, especially for people who want to work in psychology, but are anxious that A.I. will replace human therapist (and other psychology workers). For example: computerized CBT is proven to have the same effectiveness as CBT with a human therapist. Can A.I replace CBT therapist? Can they replace psychodynamic therapist? Is human connection really that important in therapy? Would love to hear your opinion about it, Dr. Ana. Thank you, and keep up the great work. (Also English is my second language, so sorry for the grammatic errors).
The attitude of “it’s not such a big deal” when it comes to things like celebrating birthdays or couples celebrating valentines day really annoys me personally. Because I don’t think if you don’t care about of things it really matters, if you care about the person you’ll recognise it matters to them and support them
Great video! I love this format- it’s entertaining enough to watch you react to the tiktoks but the added insights & takeaways are super helpful. Thank you Dr Ana!
I just went though a friend breakup and I feel a weigh lifted off my shoulders.
She was so toxic, and I was the one doing everything for her. Always there for her, I hand made stuff for her baby shower, wedding and birthdays. She just said “oh happy birthday..” each time. I new it wasn’t an equal friendship when I came over to her house to hangout for my birthday and she didn’t offer me anything. A drink, a snack nothing. Her birthday is New Year’s Eve so every year I threw her a BANGER got her favorite booze, foods and other shit. I’m on a fixed income too sooo
The body language one has a half truth. The tongue part is a little weird but lifting the lips (without smiling) enough to show the teeth can be a sign of disgust.
2:55 I think it’s fine to attack your friends character sometimes. A lot of my friends ended up furries and well go look at furr affinity. They don’t understand why I don’t like kids at furry conventions. Or what was it called Furrfest with the diaper orgy?
Hey Ana, could you maybe make a video on envy? I find myself to often be the envier in situations as my life is not turning out to be how I want it to. Not a justification btw. I don’t like it about myself and I hate myself for it. What can one do?
Thank you
9:09 This is a Latino thing, we always dunk the birthday boy’s/girl’s face into their cake and if we don’t want to ruin the cake we just smear so of it on their face. I don’t know these people so I don’t know if that lady was genuinely spiteful but it is a very common tradition amongst Latinos
One time! A single time, a man ran his tongue across his teeth at me, however it was unequivocally a come on, not animosity. His eyes said I will take you places you never been before, but it made me want to barf. lmao
Hi Ana!! I just saw that you are now Dr. Ana, congrats!! I've been here since the beginning, thank you for sharing your genius with us!
hey Dr Ana! I normally watch and like but don't comment; I commented this time just to vocalize that I really enjoyed this style of video. I found it both informative (extremely) and entertaining.
As always thanks for everything you do!
(Notes down on notebook) "Beware of this microexpression, this person might secretly be a lion"
Here's the thing, my friend gives me shit for not going to her birthday party knowing my sister has the same birthday as her, And im a "fake friend". You know at this point I dont even care anymore, say what you want about me, she's being like super needy.
Yeah I just ignore it, whenever I face any animosity. Anyways great job Ana. I'm rooting for you. Luv ya. ❤️
I took a look at the body language expert debunking video you recommended. I think the issue is that many public body language "experts" are making it up as they go. There are only a few cues and very limited associated feelings in the literature. You're right, most signs which "body language experts" swear are indicators of deception are simply indicators of nervousness. Body language analyses are almost never applicable to political speeches or staged events, anyway.
Actually Paul Ekman's work is pretty funny because he probably coined the term "micro-expression" just because it sounds catchy, and it really has nothing to do with his actual research or teaching. A micro-expression is simply a regular expression that appears for an extremely brief period of time. I spent 40 hours learning Paul Ekman's work and recognizing micro-aggressions, but in real life actual micro-expressions are very rare. Expressions are usually plastered on people's faces. It IS useful to recognize certain expressions so that we know when we've insulted someone or made them uncomfortable, and it allows us to get away from someone before they're about to attack us.
I would say with body language is it it open or close,and the more you understand that person to determine intent
When i feel physicaly treathened my jaw gets hard and while trying to calm myself i move my tonge trough my teeth since y cant move it anywhere else, of courae it doesnt happend
Doesn' happen to everyone but I have seen it in myself in very uncomfortable situations
20:08 Happens to me sometimes, I call it laughing in empathy, If I have felt the same way or understand you I will laugh, it's not that I find your pain funny, I just understand and for some reason I laugh which is so awkward
40th birthday was awful because of the ex narchole. 😢💜
Ask David Goggins how he feels about Birthdays 😂
Your hair is so gorg, I loved the video too but I had to tell you how I always admire your shiny locks ❤
as someone with my own impulse control difficulties humor is an interesting point of conflict sometimes 🤔 makes me think of how i've found and heard about that, potential animosity aside, when people have an inconsistency with their own sense of sensitivity to humor that's really a good point to drop it and show them sensitivity in return because when laughing it off doesn't seem like the faintest option anymore something could be really off for them? love the little glimpse into the bookshelf and love a critical take on picking apart microexpressions!
I stopped being the first one to message 2 of my friends. We celebrated both their birthdays and when it came to mine...they magically weren't available and never reached out to make a new date.
They don't reach out and when I see them randomly, they say "WOW I was gonna hit you up"
the birthday thing is like when a religious person says that saying they will pray for someone cant be condesending...its like now they are dictating other peoples emotions. why would you assume animosity where there can be different values
I agree about the micro expressions being pseudo science.
Sometimes I noticed I can have really weird micro expressions depending on how the person is telling their sad story or happy story. If they smile I will smile back. Also, it can also depends on my mood.
If I had a really bad day, I may not be or show that much happiness for a friend who is telling me about their good news. It's not because I don't want them to be happy, it's just because that day I just won't be able to feel joy as easily, that's all.
I noticed that a lot of misinformation like this tends to dramatize things a lot. Even probably make people a bit paranoid.
That's not very useful for relationships
Great content as always Ana!
Once a boy called me ugly and my friend laughed at the joke....are we still friends? Yes
Anna lions do not hunt in the safari
Me spending time with my sister and our friends and she goes on to start to say “remember that time when we was kids..” then goes on to tell everyone in the room something very embarrassing for me and laugh at me. And I’d site there thinking. “Why would you say that? That hurt my feelings.” I hate it. I hate that now she an adult and says she’s just being honest or it’s just a joke. I hope one day they grow up.
That birthday clip was beyond. I’m shook.
Yes, Can you make a video about the imitating friend or parent? That one friend who watch your every move and copy you? and dive deeply why parents could show the same behavior? Is it jealousy or need for validation or obsession?
2:10 not me realiziny birthday curse as a kid was probably just my mom again
I personally dont care if someone doesn't tell me happy birthday, I dont even care that today is my birthday, you shouldn't need a certain day in the year where you are happy with yourself, why not be happy with yourself all year long. Someone else’s words shouldn't affect your happiness. Plus, the world moves and people got stuff to do, no need to create a whole drama series just because someone didnt tell you 2 words.
This video makes me feel so not alone when it comes the situation with my sister: long story short she’s said a lot of passive aggressive things about me and my husband (at the time fiancé) and when I made a jab back at her once she said that me and him are “toxic” bc all we do is fight around her and she doesn’t want to be around it (which is not true any time I tell that story to anyone else we know they are so confused bc me and my husband don’t argue a lot). But she’s the one who’s made when I hold her to it and don’t come around her anymore.
the cake video, is a mexican tradition they're yelling "mordida" which means "bite" in spanish, normally people smash the birthday person's face into the cake, which a lot of people dont really love, but when its your birthday you kind of know that's what's gonna happen. i don't think that small video is enough to know if there's animosity, some people just get way too excited about the tradition and go over the top