The "ideal partner" according to research & why it might not matter
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- Опубліковано 30 тра 2024
- Intro music: Church of 8 Wheels by Otis McDonald
Time Stamps:
0:00 Intro
1:28 What is “the ideal partner” according to the research?
16:13 Do people actually end up with their ideal partner?
27:16 My clinical perspective
31:40 Real-life applications
References:
Liu, Ludeke, S., Haubrich, J., Gondan‐Rochon, M., Zettler, I., & Wrzus, C. (2018). Similar to and/or Better than Oneself? Singles’ Ideal Partner Personality Descriptions. European Journal of Personality, 32(4), 443-458. doi.org/10.1002/per.2159
Liu, & Ilmarinen, V.-J. (2020). Core self-evaluation moderates distinctive similarity preference in ideal partner’s personality. Journal of Research in Personality, 84, 103899-. doi.org/10.1016/j.jrp.2019.10...
Eastwick, P., Luchies, L. B., Finkel, E. J., & Hunt, L. L. (2014). The Predictive Validity of Ideal Partner Preferences: A Review and Meta-Analysis. Psychological Bulletin, 140(3), 623-665. doi.org/10.1037/a0032432
Gerlach, Arslan, R. C., Schultze, T., Reinhard, S. K., & Penke, L. (2019). Predictive Validity and Adjustment of Ideal Partner Preferences Across the Transition Into Romantic Relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 313-330. doi.org/10.1037/pspp0000170
Valentine, Li, N. P., Meltzer, A. L., & Tsai, M.-H. (2020). Mate Preferences for Warmth-Trustworthiness Predict Romantic Attraction in the Early Stages of Mate Selection and Satisfaction in Ongoing Relationships. Personality & Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(2), 298-311. doi.org/10.1177/0146167219855048
Lackenbauer, S. D., & Campbell, L. (2012). Measuring up: The unique emotional and regulatory outcomes of different perceived partner-ideal discrepancies in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(3), 472-488. doi:doi.org/10.1037/a0029054
Eastwick, P. W., Finkel, E. J., & Simpson, J. A. (2019). Best Practices for Testing the Predictive Validity of Ideal Partner Preference-Matching. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 45(2), 167-181. doi.org/10.1177/0146167218780689
Eastwick, P. W., & Finkel, E. J. (2008). Sex differences in mate preferences revisited: Do people know what they initially desire in a romantic partner? Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 94(2), 245-264. doi:doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.94....
Campbell, & Stanton, S. C. E. (2014). The Predictive Validity of Ideal Partner Preferences in Relationship Formation: What We Know, What We Don’t Know, and Why It Matters. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 8(9), 485-494. doi.org/10.1111/spc3.12126
Campbell, Chin, K., & Stanton, S. C. E. (2016). Initial Evidence that Individuals Form New Relationships with Partners that More Closely Match their Ideal Preferences. Collabra, 2(1). doi.org/10.1525/collabra.24
I am SO excited to announce that I've launched a 4+ hour relationship skills course: psychologywithdrana.learnworlds.com/course/the-connection-course
For those of you who like videos such as this one and want more, definitely check it out :)
I read something on Twitter along the lines of, "Think of your ideal partner. Now, ask yourself if that is just a better version of yourself that you want to be." That resonated with me a bit. As for actual interests, those have been all over the place.
Genuine question, If I think of my ideal partner and notice that I just want a better version of myself then what does that mean, cus it doesn't really change what my ideal partner is, I still want that better version of myself?
@ifwrainbow I have no background in this. But... 🤡 I would guess that you have standards for yourself that you expect your partner to also have. It has been a few days since I watched the video. There is something about how opposites don't really attract. So, it makes sense that those ideals would line up. It might help to revisit the video.
Ive always belived in this because i would see around me and did not like the culture and environment i was in, in which fostered similar valued people. I am picky as hell as well with high standards. Although i do not seek a partner necessarily, i do seek similar better then me people to develop and grow further. I am self aware i am currently not where i wish to be and i am working to achieving my desired self. I expect to meet other people with higher standards once i reach high standards for myself. Now what does high standards mean, it depends on the person, to me is to simply have the same good moral and values i have with similar process thinking but different identity to fuel curiosity and interest. I do not want to same but i do seek people with more initiative
My ideal partner has nothing to do with me. People must be hella narcisist if they think like that. My ideal partner usually is male version of my mother. Call it eudipius sendrome but my mom is the nicest person I ever met so I chose her rather than my dad or myself
@@exosproudmamabear558 Thinking about yourself isn't narcissistic. That word is being overused. Also, you still want a partner who reminds you of your mother. That's still about you, which is no different.
Something someone told me about dating that most people don’t realize “dating is 80% friendship and 20% romance/sex. At the end of the day you’re hanging out with your friend”
Woah love this
And that's when you're young. When you've grown old together, it's even more slanted towards friendship (possibly 100% in some cases).
I don’t sleep with my friends!!! 😂. Like now I want a refund!
I used to obsess about ideal partner traits, but ultimately if you're looking for a life partner, it all comes down to finding 1) someone you can stand interacting with every day and living with even through hardships, 2) someone you can trust with your life, and 3) those things should be mutual.
I can say that I’d prefer to live alone. I can’t trust people anymore and it’s exhausting anyway. I always wanted a fairytale love but after a breakup I really don’t believe in it anymore. Maybe some day but at this time it’s just not for me.
Good conflict resolution skills is a good one: the ability to have an argument, fix the issue, and move on is an underrated trait.
What about trust with your heart and not just life?
@@MyDuckSaysFucc i mean it was never real to begin with. thats why theyre called fairy tales, as in made up. definitely become familiar with realistic expectations and how relationships are supposed to work before getting into the next one, and good luck
So many people get stuck chasing that instant spark and miss out on the practical side of being in a relationship.
At age 60, my ideal partner is the girl I met as a teenager and dated initially for 4 years from 16 to age 20. We went our separate ways and got married to other people. My first wife passed away and my high school sweetheart was also single. We reconnected after 22 years. We've been together 17 years since then. It is good to be with a person who grew up with you and helped you discover love. We both love music, love singing, and love humor. We help each other through whatever challenges come our way. Each of us have adult children from the first marriages and now we have a big extended happy family. We both love dogs and living adjacent to a state forest in the beautiful town of Sturbridge, MA, just 35 miles from the town we grew up together in. At times during our teenage years we weren't always nice to each other, as I was still a teenage boy and not particularly mature. The experience falling in love and raising a daughter with my first wife who was terminally ill made me realize that every second not being nice and loving is time wasted. That maturity I lacked was now established. I am a lucky man as I have had two wonderful women as partners. It is comfortable and easy to be with my high school sweeting even as we enter into our 6th decade of life. I have always found her very attractive and desirable. We both attempt to maintain our appearance, sense of humor. love of dogs, music, and our southern New England home. I moved 3000 miles from the west coast with a teenage daughter to be with her. I will now watch the rest of your video Ana. FWIW, she is introverted and I am extroverted, and we are not alike in every way. I look for win-win partnerships in life and business where we bring complementary attributes. I don't need another me, I need another perspective informed by similar values and upbringing.
That's beautiful, I'm glad the both of you reconnected.
So blessed..!!
My mom and stepdad have a similar story, so happy you got to be together again and enjoy life together how wonderful
“… every second not being nice and loving is time wasted.
…
I don’t need another me, I need another perspective informed by similar values and upbringing.”
@@NickRaeff my fave excerpts from this
My ideal partner would 1. have a similar ethical philosophy/moral code to my own, 2. have near-universal humor seeing as I laugh at almost anything, 3. have similar love languages to my own, 4. be committed to improving themselves everyday and grow as a person, and lastly, just to make it a smooth top 5 list, 5. my ideal partner would know their own self-worth/personal value
What a great list!
@@marciavox8105 thank you so much☺️
This is so perfectly said
too much. lol.
@@jJust_NO_ perhaps😂I've been told by friends that I'm quote "picky"
I think there has to be a "sweet spot" where the "ideal person" has to be both similar to you in all the good ways, yet different enough from you that you can balance each other's negative points ("better" than you). these values would be different for everyone i think.
Yep this is it. My partner shares the same moral values as me, has similar sense of humor, etc. while also having different hobbies and interests and life experiences that make them more interesting.
I agree. The last person I fell for deeply was "better" than me in many ways. I came to appreciate that and see its importance.
100% this. With my fiance we have same value and morals and sense of humor. But we have different interest and strengths and weakness that compliment each other. Its a great balance !
Complimentary. Like cookies and cream. Both sweet and delectable, but one's, well, creamy, and the other's crackery and a little bittersweet. Or pizza and wings. Or a burger and fries. You see what I mean.
1. someone i can live quietly with
2. has a backbone
3. desires a simple life
4. is handy
5. works on themselves
I should apply for this opening.
what does it mean to be handy?
@@RafaelR-F knows how to build a house
@@defaultdefault812 LOL
Hi Anna, are you in the UK?
I feel like "adjusting your expectations" is seen as too negative sometimes. Its a part of growing up. I'm not talking about toxic relationships. I'm talking about how you can be happy with a partner who is neither rich nor a professional model ;)
My thoughts exactly. Being realistic without being unhappy on a relationship. If you are not perfect and have your flaws, why demand perfection from somebody else? But you definitely need to have chemistry, one way or another.
@@samantarizzi248 Problem comes in when different people have different definitions of imperfections and flaws . Like for instance one may say they are imperfect as thwy are always disloyal ,do you want that even as an imperfect person? What about an unhygenic person ,fo you want that as an imperfect person ?? What about one who does not take finances seriously??? I think imperfections can also be subjective
o.o
@@lucyandecember2843 O,O
@@samantarizzi248 its called being ♀. they are all delusional
Relationships come through living (and feeling) them, not through thinking them.
This has and continues to be a hard lesson for me.
But then how do you choose someone??? What about redflags wont you think abiut them or will you wait until you have an STD to know than an unloyal partner is not ideal??
@@sakuraesther6309 I think the problem comes when I have a list in my head of what I need and then I disregard looking at what is actually happening at the moment in the living. I stick with preconceived and don't update on the fly. That takes time and it means taking things slowly. Slowly but it has to move consistently. Relationships are improv, not a written piece. You change, they change along the way. You are no longer the person that made the list. You have to stay open and curious. You have to keep in contact with how things make you feel. Do you like the thing that you are building between the two of you, not just the person they are?
There's you, there's them, and then there's this thing built with both of you and they are all in constant flux.
@@sakuraesther6309 I also have this idea that all the relationships you have are basically the same but with different depth levels, different closeness, and its all a push/pull sort of thing. You connect with something, that's a pull. Something feels off that's a push. Want to get better at romantic relationships (the closest level), get better at the upper levels first.
@@AmyFerguson thank you for saying this. I have been struggling the past decade with dating and this unlocked a memory for me
@AmyFerguson that was such a helpful analysis thank you
"When someone really likes you, they are going to overlook your flaws. When someone loves another person, they adjust their expectations down". Beautifully stated. I needed to hear this today. Thank you for your efforts
Number one most important trait is adaptability. If you want a whole life together, you will both go through changes and phases together. You have to be able to grow together.
Wholeheartedly agree!
Ana psychology is so pretty, just needed y'all to know that
Agreed!
Beauty and brainz
Stalker alert 🚨
She seems nice too😊
I’m not even a lesbian but she’s my ideal woman
Ideal partner feels like a best friend. Speaks encouragingly freely shares their thoughts. Provide a zone to just be able to explore ideas. One that also gives me a lot of space to have my own time to work on my passions and hopefully they have their own passions as well. Where both of us value and appreciate the other for the ways they best contribute to the relationship and house hold duties
Sounds like a friendzone
@@antbanks415most surviving long lasting relationship will alway have the partner become best friend after the passion have long die.
@@antbanks415if youre glued at the hip with someone sexual desire goes out of the window. So OP is correct. Enough personal time + splitting tasks so both have energy to be sexual. I dont sleep with my friends, do you?
In my case, I had an ideal person before I met my bf of 3 years. He meets most of my core values and core standards but he didn’t have the same interests or hobbies as me. Before I met him, I wanted someone “just like Me” with the same exact hobbies. But I realized I actually preferred our difference because it was so cool to see we’ve made a fusion of our own interests. He teaches me about his favorite topics, and I talk to and teach him about mine. We’re very complimentary that way and now he takes more interest in my interest and I take more interest in his. For example, he’s more into economics and politics, while I’m more passionate about history, conspiracy theories and social sciences. When we talk, we combine the two topics and some how they align
My current boyfriend and I are like your previous ideal partner and you. We grew up in similar household structures, similar area, with the same political and moral/ethical views but we are two different people. We have the same core values but different hobbies and outlooks on things (he's more pessimistic/realistic and I'm more optimistic/wishful) but we balance each other out so well. I've learned so much about cars from him and he's learned a lot about horses from me (whether he wants to or not haha). He keeps me updated on current politics and I give advice on personal finances, we just work well together. I'd say he is my ideal partner because he fully supports me but also challenges me in so many positive ways. I just hope to feel like I've returned the same feeling someday.
Don’t settle for Right Now from momentary loneliness or insecurity. Wrong person at the right time happens way more often. Looking back, when I was longing for marriage, it was mostly my inner issues, not from being a whole person seeking another whole person.
Yep settling never works. You start to resent them after a while and the relationship breaks down.
fun fact: ♀cannot experience loneliness
@@mackenzieusher8025 so do I which is why I’m still single 🤣
I think the problem with this research is that everything in relationships is weighed on a scale. You're probably not going to find someone who matches every single trait that you want. It's like a balancing act. What desirable traits do they have balanced against the negative? If it nets positive, you'll stay.
Then you have to factor in that people lie about themselves and put their best foot forward early in the relationship. You might think you're ending up with someone who matches your ideals only to discover later in the relationship that they don't. Then sunken cost falls into place and keeps them there.
This is true, and it's horrible. People are often fake. It's why I am open about my faults, so people at least know who I am. I like my good qualities and accept my shortcomings. And learn to change that which I can.
"We are inherently narcissistic people who enjoy people who are like us" so freaking true, I love your bluntness.
I think that's what makes the relationship viable on long term.
I think you're right, Ana. We don't always know what we want. We adjust ourselves, or what we want, in order to satisfy the ppl around us. We often go off of our insecurities and short-term happiness than consistentancy.
I see a partner as the relationship you have with yourself, it doesn't matter, it should be based off the connection you have with them, how you simply just enjoy their presence, and there are standards, you want someone you're attracted to, not someone who forgets to wash their crusty underwear, someone who takes care of themselves, has passions, ambitions, you're in each others lives to bear witness and see how far they grow, and grow with you and they see you grow! I think people are too nit picky to an extent about how exactly their partner should be, I see a lot of people projecting their need for happiness onto their partner; but you're the only one in control of your happiness, you're the only one who makes yourself feel whole and love. A partner is an addition to your life, so if you enjoy them let em stay!
narcissist above
@@Blox117 It's not narcissistic to love yourself. If you don't love yourself, you will have a harder time loving others.
Loving others without first loving oneself is like constantly pouring water out of a cup for the thirsty people whom you love. How will you continue having water to give if you don't replenish your cup?
One thing that doesn't get mentioned in the video but that I think might also contribute to the "adaptation" of expectations is that you might not know that you enjoy or value something until you experience it. So if you've never been in a relationship in which some of these needs were met before, you might not rate some characteristics as important, but once you do experience it you realize their value to you.
Yes, desires change over time. That's why the core values is what matters, the ones which builds up their personality.
for me an ideal partner would be someone who shares the same values that I do and we have a common understanding on how we build our relationship, 2. someone who is able to communicate effectively and most importantly someone who is willing to grow and learn themselves .
What I want in a partner: Personal Accountability, emotional openness, someone who wants to be with me but doesn't need to be with me. Compassionate, a sort of intelligence. And some similar interests so we have stuff we enjoy doing together.
I never thought that looking for similar partners comes from narcissism (although it probably is one of the reasons, it's just new information to me) but rather that understanding the other person makes us feel less stressed and safer. Two people went through similar experiences, they have similar values and tastes, maybe looks and temperament too. That gives someone feeling of being able to predict what other person may do more often than not and not feel alone with our feelings. There is probably more ways to spend time together with both parties enjoying the activity and I assume the similarity would lead to less arguments unless the trait in common is hot temper
Sometimes people aren't "convincing themselves that their partners are really what they want," they're adjusting their ideals based on real world experience. Sometimes we go into dating with certain ideals that turn out to have less importance in reality when you're actually in a relationship with a person. Some things also turn out to be more important than you realized
Romance isn't a job interview; there are so many things I find attractive about my boyfriend, but I never expected to fall for him... I thought I was 100% gay! Now we've been together for 7 months without really fighting or having any troubles. It's the first time I've been with someone who is a relief from stress. I feel like we can rely on each other when things get rough. We're a sure thing.
The first thing I liked about him was his looks and I'll admit it. But then I found out that he's also funny, thoughtful, sweet, and he goes out of his way to help everyone he knows.
Communication really is everything. Even when it's hard and embarrassing or whatever, I tell him what's on my mind so he knows exactly what I intend. We don't hold secret grudges. I promise not to be mad if he brings up a problem, he promises the same. If there's some little thing that bothers him, but it doesn't bother me, I say "well I don't get it, but I care about you so I care too." He does the same for me.
That was my relationship but I was the guy. The girl broke it off with me due to not knowing what she wanted in a relationship. It let me confused and depressed. She loved me very much and so did I but still didn't know what she wanted. The world is crazy, isn't it? Haha
For me, I use this acronym for what I believe to be an ideal partner: SHAAK
S-Space and time to bond
H-Honesty plus some other characteristics that come to mind like humility, gratefulness, morality, etc
A-A sense of humor
A-A sense of ambition/motivation (either for my goals, their goals, or both)
K-Kindness
I’m sure there are other things that I may be missing. Although physical traits are a way in the door for me getting interested, the traits above matter more to me in the long run
BS appearance matters the most.
@@Blox117 and?
@@Blox117 you might be projecting
Why is the acronym someone with a really thick South Boston accent saying the word "Shark"
@@anthropomorphicpeanut6160 nope, just stating ♀️ nature
It always boils down to our unconscious attachments from childhood 😏 wish it was recommended reading in hs, would save so many people time
I've been on the dating market for 6 months now and it gives me the feeling that I need to be 2 separate people. 1 to be in a relation and 1 to attract a woman. The last woman I dated gave me the feeling that I was the one she needed, but not the one she wanted.
@@reginagoodbody213 please break up that don’t sound healthy at all an important part of a relationship is to be attracted to your partner physically and emotionally
It’s gonna be best for both of you but I’m not the expert here
Bet@ need @lpha seed
I very much understand what you're saying and that is a very frustrating thing to experience (to say the least). But I have an idea to offer, some food for thought: sometimes people, who have these different ideas for what they "want" and what they "need" can be very immature or traumatized people. People like that tend to chase toxic relationships for the thrill of it, because constant drama and excitement translates as "real feelings" for them and normal, mature, adult relationships seem like "settling for". It's not about you (aka, the healthy participant of that relationship) it's about their baggage and unhealed parts. As far as I've seen, it's better to keep your distance from people like that. Just something to think about😉
Never take those evens personal is all I can say. Just be yourself and respect boundaries and if she or he doesnt like that they arent the one.
@@margaritap.9459I agree. People with lack of self-awareness tend to go through toxic relationships because somehow it fills the gap, at least temporary.
It seems to be similar to substance abuse.
For fear of being a cliche, I think the love we think we deserve also factors into what kinds of relationships we’re comfortable being in.
Time ago I didn't like to think of my ideal partner, because I thought I would get disappointed of them once in a relationship. But once I figured out that it just would not be the right thing for a long term relationship, I started looking to the things I would like to see on them, then I realized it was just a better version of me. Just yesterday I asked myself if I'm the ideal partner for others and then started to planning on how to work on me, now I got recommended your channel and here I am. I got to the conclusion of how my ideal partner would be (Considering it in a realistic way):
- Self-criticism: Basically see mistakes as a way to get feedback to improve on themselves.
- Honesty: I don't care if the truth hurts sometimes, I'm looking for something genuine and someone I can rely on.
- Similar sense of humor: I always laugh at really ridiculous things and it just feels awkward when someone doesn't get it.
I can find all of this things on my really close friends but all of them are guys and I'm heterosexual so I guess I just have to go to meetings related to my hobbies and wait for the right person, or who knows, maybe she will appear when I least expect it :)
Love ur videos btw
If I can offer one point of feedback it would be that harmony is incredibly valuable in a partner
You might appreciate Someone who knows how to take feedback and who is honest and hopefully you have a relationship that is also loving, and positive for both of you.
I know from my own experience dating someone honest and self critical while being the same we eventually ended up in a very negative and toxic dynamic where we were always pointing out eachothers flaws and it was super destructive
My current partner is honest and takes feedback well but the way we talk to eachother is focused on building eachother up and helping eachother with the things that are hard not criticizing
Hope you found this valuable and that you find your ideal partner soon ❤
Ideal partner: someone who I genuinely enjoy talking to, all the time. Someone who introduces new experiences to me, and someone willing to experience the things that I enjoy.
I love the work you put into this. You're not just rehashing medium articles on UA-cam (which has its place) but you're using your intellectual access to scholarly materials to support your synthesis while making the ideas more accessible to laypeople. I love that you include meta-analysis and even examine the authors themselves for a deeper dive into the context informing their work. Inspiring!
I looked for a person that complimented me and that I could be around for long periods of time without being overly bored or annoyed. I married the first person I dated and been living with her over 20 years. We get along better and better over time. Constantly complimented by others about how cute we are together. Some combination of lucky and wise.
Warmth is great in one partner, but doesn't guarantee a successful relationship if the other person is not warm and trustworthy. It would be better to say if both people are, then there's a great likelihood of success. I agree that people choose people based on their past inadequacies or traumas and just repeat previous mistakes based on love being mispresented by an authority figure. Agree for the reasons they stay, and that they are afraid they won't be able to find someone else who will love them. 100% agree with your assessment.
but a person looking for their ideal partner is only looking for one partner (presumably). so if they are looking for warmth, they hopefully have that to offer as well. so the better way to say it is exactly how she said it imo :)
Its been so cool to see your channel transform and grow as you progress through your education and work. Thank you for always giving us your best and most generous gift of knowledge and perspective
"In some ways it's better to get someone that is not exactly what you wanted, cause they challenge you. They help you grow into a better person"
Such a good video!! Thanks for your work and words of wisdom
Your time and effort making this video shows. Your points are clear and unmistakable, you bring forth relevant information from the side without causing distraction, wisely anticipating the needs of your audience, adding your anecdotal experience near the end, and cat. It is intriguing to hear of dropping our ideals down to what we find.
my only big critique is that the idea of someone's ideals changing is consistently portrayed as settling and therefore, negative. Alternatively, many people experience that they do not know to appreciate something until they see it. The more you know someone, the dearer they become. It doesn't always mean someone is settling or compromising.
Far as my experience, what Ana said is consistent, interests and hobbies are the least common denominator when setting up for deciding if someone is ideal or not, because when the important aspects come into play, then you really find out how much you agree on.
I am blown away by the way you presented this topic. Your talk is so thorough and considerate.
Very interesting vid, thx for your work! Essay warning! haha
In my experience, and also what I learned from my late father who married 4 times, is that no matter who you end up with NO ONE is the perfect partner, you will always have to compromise. He told me, that ironically, had he been mature and wise enough (which he was definitely not), in retrospect he could have just stayed with my mother and been just as happy (although he very much loved his fourth wife who is still with us and very much a family member). With this in mind, I stuck with my wife and she with me, despite our numerous cultural differences (she being Japanese, and I Scottish) which could have easily torn us apart, because on the whole she is supportive, on the whole she is kind and conscientious, yes she is stubborn, yes she is a bit chaotic (not the tidiest person and has a poor perception of time in my view) but....on the other hand, I am impatient, a bit OCD and probably just as "difficult" in many ways. We have traits that balance each other out, and we share humour so this is a plus. Oh, and she is haaawt which certainly contributed to us having 3 lovely kids! ;)
I guess this resonates with the point you made about people downgrading their expectations, which I think is a natural response to preserve a relationship that is basically worthwhile. I have known people, and still do, who can never seem to commit, can never stick it out with their partners because they are too rigid in expectations, and will not compromise. It is sad to see. Actually, my sister in law was like that until she finally fell pregnant after dating and ditching numerous "options", then she had to either accept that partner for the long-term or be a single mum. She chose to accept him and stick with it, and I am happy to report that finally, she is generally happy and their life together is a net positive.
TLDR; Don't be too choosy or impatient with your partner/s because you might just end up old, alone and done-for.
I’m aware of how much work is put into a presentation like this. Well done Ana! I like your topics and the youthful perspectives. An ideal is basically a fantasy - neither good nor bad - a template from which the reality will almost always differ - and may well be better for it.
Ana, I haven't been on your channel in a year and I am happy to see the success that this has taken off for you! I will be visiting more often and I see the videos have improved greatly. I really enjoyed this video!
Thank you Ana, I love how you break down such a topic into smaller sub topics in an order that things make sense. I was so hooked on what you’re going to say next in the video that I didn’t realise it was already half an hour. Looking forward to your new contents ❤
I love the work that you do in this channel, it helps immensily with so many insights. Wish you the best, Ana
My last partner was 1000000% the person I tried to rewrite a new ending with to old childhood traumas. Shockingly, it didn't work! He was just as emotionally unavailable and withholding of love as the people in my past were, and there was no amount of self improvement I could do to get him to love me the way I craved. It took almost 2 full years of weekly therapy to finally see that I deserved so much more than what he was giving me.
It was this dynamic, along with animalistic sexual attraction, that kept me with him for almost 5 long years. Lessons learned.
This video is the best one of yours I've watched so far - THANK YOU FOR SHARING about the historical patterns and perspectives of the researchers!!
Wow, I really needed to hear this!! I feel less overwhelmed and alone. This gives me the opportunity to put myself first again
Loved the part where the study said to get off the apps, and meet the person....in person lol. I've tried to do this while online dating, but it was insanely difficult to achieve. Hell it's hard to have a decent conversation with people on a lot of those apps. Unless it's about sex of course. I've been avoiding those apps for a while now. There's no reason to actively be looking for a partner. If they happen to appear, then that's great, otherwise I'll just adjust my expectations some more.
Thank you for another fantastic video. I like the in-depth format and appreciate the video title giving me something to contemplate for a while, before I watch it. I've added to my journal already. For me the essence of great communication within a relationship is what would be the definition of an ideal partner. A mutual understanding and dualistic harmony of when, where, how and why, to shift between various modes of thought and action - such as survival mode, relaxation, worktime, play time. Essentially teamwork. Anything less would be burdensome. My greatest failures were those times when I was the burden.
This is incredibly informative for me. It presents a lot of thoughts and data concerning aspects of our evaluations for expectations for others measured against ourselves about things that I thought it suspected, but you've also uncovered so much about things that I didn't not think of (i.e. how our measure of self-worth and confidence affects those around us)
Thank you for all the work you've put into this, Ana
funny, sweet, loving, understanding, patient, driven, supportive, compassionate, and a great listener
My ideal partner : is kind, emotionally secure, likes quality time and cuddles, be open minded and who likes to talk about many things, that is attractive to me, is active and knows what he wants, who alines with my values (for the future). I'm sure I forgot a few things, but that's the gist of it :)
Excellent video! Very thought provoking, and that silver lining makes so much sense and gives me comfort :)
My ideal partner is someone who understands my brain and loves it wholeheartedly. even if they don’t understand all parts, they’re constantly intrigued to know more. my ideal partner is someone who communicates effectively but isn’t soft, they can assert dominance in a respectful manner and is someone i feel comfortable being submissive to (not in a sexual manner). someone who is driven but put family and relationships first. someone who is always asking more out of life. someone who loves me and themselves unconditionally
I would like to applaud you for expressing yourself so well and eloquent, and for the well researched topic!
Thank you for the video, Ana! Appreciate all the research you’ve done and the time spent. It’s been very interesting and useful 🤓
My ideal partner is someone that is so loving and sweet, but that is also down for adventure! I know that I want those two things because i grew up always being the strong person and i was not given much affection and care, and I also have ADHD so I'm always curious about newlearning or trying new things, so I have a strong sense of adventure! I would like to be with someone who is super responsible and reliable, and who supports and encourages me. Its also really important that they are committed to being a better version of themselves and that they are conscious about things like racism, sexist, fatphobia, ableism, etc.
Hey Ana, thank you for the effort to make this video. I really like that you mentioned the unconscious part of our decision making process, because it actually plays a huge role. That is why knowing thyself is so critical in order to be happy in any kind of relationship. Here I recalled I line from iyeoka's song: "I know I want it all, but what do I need?". As long as someone covers my unconscious needs, I will be willing to adjust my preferences, expectations and believes... And the vicious cycle can be broken only if I make that need conscious.
You mention that a lot of the descriptions of the ideal partner are quite narcissistic, which is something I completely agree with. Here are my thoughts: isn't the idea of the ideal partner narcissistic in itself (or the ideal me)? According to my knowledge, narcissism is a stage in human's development and a quite early one - around age 4-5-6..? So, this leads me to think that the act of searching for the ideal partner shows immaturity and once we mature we start searching for something else… it might have similar meaning, but it will not be defined as "ideal" for sure. With that being said, I'm going for another round of introspection… 😂🤪
All the best,
Maya
Thank you for this video. Really, thank you. This has helped me put into perspective a lot that's happened in my life regarding rejection and my own failed pursuits. As someone going into the psychology field, I very much appreciate the actual studies you provided.
THIS VID👏👏👏 YOU MUSTVE TAKEN SO MUCH TIME TO RESEARCH AND PUT THIS ALL TOGETHER. So much value in this vid well done
Such an important video and topic to address, thank you Ana
Relationships are definitely more about having the initial spark of compatibility, and then putting in the work to build your relationship for the long term ❤
I really enjoyed this type of video. Diving into the studies and seeing the low level analysis is definitely my jam. Thanks for the video!
I love your intro music! Very chill retro-jazz vibes ❤
For me, it's someone :
- that understands me, supports me and accepts me as a flawed person ( not meaning I don't have to work on those )
- honest
- that's willing to build and improve the relationship
- that wants kids and really wants to educate them well
- at least a bit agreeable, with compassion and empathy
- that gives affection
These are the most important I think, then there are others like having some similarities
Before watching the vid, I think for me an ideal partner would be (this might be kind of vague) someone who adds to the lifestyle I have in terms of personality / has similar lifestyle choices. As well as communicative, emotionally aware, and consistently living their truth. I'm excited to watch!! Ana always is putting out bangers!
The quality of your videos is GREAT thank you for your community service Ana! Greetings from germany🇩🇪
THIS WAS SO INSIGHTFUL!i kept getting distracted by your perfect eyeliners loll youre so pretty!! i really like the part where u said the reason why people care so much is bc they want a formula like that really opened my eyes bc i want a formula too lol
Coincidentally I have been thinking about this question more concretely recently, ever since realizing what my deepest desires were - here’s what I’ve gathered from my notes:
I want someone who wants me like I want me, and who wants me to want them how they want them, which is, if we align in our wants for ourselves, to continually be spiritually learning and growing, each respectively;
I am interested in a person that wants to continue to spiritually develop, which means they are striving to experience all life has to offer, in introverted ways, in extroverted ways, in labor/service related ways and in play/rest related ways - friendship/spiritual love thus seems to be my greatest desire and requirement from a relationship;
The only (for me) way to sustain a friendship is a mutual agreement to continue to spiritually grow, within each’s own cycle of their process of growth, degeneration and regeneration/recreation(?); if this is our shared intent and desire, that we can hold each other accountable to and for, then we can operate with a realistic expectation of what our time spent with each other is meant for, thenceby deriving a shared purpose for our union as friends(?);
I am looking for someone kind, intelligent, fun, similar to me in personality (chill and not super energetic, but also not boring homebodies), but has different interests (I don't need someone to like the same things I do).. I want someone who has goals and passions in life, and wants to travel the world and not have children.
Good luck you're looking for another unicorn
@@Soul_Alpha LOL, well I'm not asking for anything I'm not. If I can manage to exist, so can he. What characteristic is so impossible you think?..?
Same and I’m so glad I’ve already found that person
@@user-th3ez5sj9y omg lucky, congratulations!!! 🎊
Childfree gang! And yes, having different interests can be a good thing because you can introduce your partner to them :)
It was worth the time you spent on it. So interesting! Even the debate between the different studies
ana your videos are so fascinating and informative!! love that youre bringing rigorous clinical psychology research onto this platform and disseminating this important info in easy to understand terms!
I really loved this. Great job
1. An intense way of experiencing the world, strong interests. This is often tied to intelligence but not always. I’ve met people who are not especially ‘smart’ in an IQ sort of way (probably still above average though), but still have lots of fascinating thoughts and feelings.
2. Strong curiosity, an eagerness to learn/experience new things.
3. A certain toughness. I admire people who are not afraid to push themselves, and are not easily intimidated.
As we are talking about sexual relationships, all of this would have to be underpinned by a sense of physical attraction as well of course.
I appreciate all the time and effort you put on dissecting this topic and making this video. And even more so your courage to add your on thoughts and conclusions at the end. Awesome job! And thanks.
This was solid information, thank you for taking the time to share with us.
My ideal partner is funny and fun to be around and they are someone I feel comfortable opening up to who reassures and cheers me on without judgement. (Let's see how close I am to what the research found lol)
That's crazy! Yeah the research was spot on. I do what someone very similar to me!
@@andrewjacob1789 I'm obviously a minority opinion on this, but I'm going with that view as being a bit cringy, as well as oddly narcissistic. One's opposite sex self, also seems so limiting.
My ideal partner would be someone able to meet their own emotional needs but also willing to help me with meeting my own. Someone emotionally available, that feels comfortable both in the giver and the taker position. Someone that is consistent and reliable, someone that can take criticism, someone curious and having a good sense of self and established routines, hobbies and friendships. I want someone that can be first my friend and that I can build real trust through experience, not intensity. I hope I can one day be the partner I'm describing.
I feel like I just got a free class! This was suchhhhh a great video. I love your content and your ability to speak so clearly. Everything you said is easy to understand and helpful. Thank you for doing the research for us. You enjoy your field of work and it shows❤️ have a great year girly💕✨
This video is amazing Ana! I love how thorough and well done this it.
The basic fundamentals of life and relationship should be matches. It is extremely rare to find a partner who is carbon copy of what you want in life. Relationship often tends to teach us modesty and settlement. If you get whatever you wish for your entire life you'll forget what settlement actually looks like and this can spoil you and make your life tough.
Now coming onto what I look in a partner is: Understanding, Self confidence, Has her own personality, Independent, caring and ready to sacrifice. Rest if anything i get along this that just counts as a bonus.
When I hear that you change and lower your expectations when someone doesn’t seem to fit your expectations it’s really easy to assume that’s a really negative thing. And it can be when it comes to the important parts of someone (I.e they’re abusive in some sort of manner) and it’s really worrisome to wonder if you’re partners has had to really lower their own expectations because i am at least someone full of flaws especially in relationships. Especially in this season of life. So I really do appreciate that silver lining. That sometimes that isn’t a bad thing and it can really encourage growth and it can be really loving to be with someone and be like hey; you’re a little goofier than I thought you would be which sometimes annoys the heck out of me, especially when you make stupid jokes haha but I would rather hear your stupid jokes everyday than anyone else’s. And to realize he is warm and kind and that that’s important in relationships and sometimes I want something else because I’m not used to soemthing so kind in love. It’s not what I’ve seen or been shown. And I’m learning from him to show it better and to forgive myself and others for not being perfect. I could fine my ideal partner… but I probably wouldn’t be as happy and probably wouldn’t be the person I can be with him. And I make him bolder and explore new parts. I know at this point this comment is more for me. But THANKYOU I loved the analysis and all the research put into this. The drama was immaculate. And I appreciated your interpretation and conclusions. I think love and relationships are very complex and they can change and shift :)
Outstanding video, Ana, these deep dives are always so very appreciated. One thing I'd like to add related to your point that like attracts like: be the ideal partner that you wish to attract. Chances are that your ideal partner is desired by many around you, too, so become the best version of yourself to show that potential partner why they should be with you.
1:45 - My ideal partner as of the beginning of this video is somebody who shows a baseline kindness and mostly healthy attitude when it comes to communication and relationships (even if there's room for improvement), as well as who broadly shares my values on life and politics, even if it's not an exact match. Somebody who has little to no illusions about the way that life can be while still holding onto that inner flame and hope. Somebody who can challenge me and themselves, who I can challenge in turn - who will equally see me for who I am and for who I am not, and who would willingly watch my favourite 50-episode C-drama that even a best friend of mine might flinch at. Somebody who will be as curious about me as I will be about them, who will tell me about their day, and be willing to compromise when my physical limitations may make ordinary life more complicated than anticipated.
The more I hear this, the more I think about how hard it is to find people like me (let alone someone compatible with me). I focus on values rather than ideals nowadays, but I can't ignore things like my ADHD, which makes it very difficult to establish consistent relationships with people who aren't willing to work around it. And not everyone with ADHD has the same understanding either.
As far as values go, I live in an area/culture that's inherently antithetical to most of my current values and beliefs (and ofc ADHD behaviors). Anyone who comes out of that culture and deconstructs it is going to feel as alienated as I do. I've found one other person who's done that and doesn't hide it. It isn't easy, and I don't blame people for hiding themselves or going along with the dominant views out of self-protection.
Does make it really hard to date though. It isn't a small pool. There isn't really a pool to begin with.
33:26 What I got from this is just focus on yourself and improve your own growth and the right partner will be there! Before I even get into a connection and develop connections surrounding me, figure out what I want and desire and focus on that! The right person/people will come! ✨
Its not that easy, improving yourself will not give you the "right " partner but mutiple potentially partners. Better be careful.
@@semekiizuio Well that’s obvious. Nothing is ever easy per say it’s just an amount of self awareness and I guess practice. But I agree, be safe and careful on who can take your energy but again- back to practicing. Just develop yourself and get done dirty if you have to be but always be safe! ✨
you’re so real for this vid. you’re spittin🗣
I'm in awe of your script writing ability. Very entertaining video
I never had an ideal partner, but I did have some non-negotiables the person needed such as being an atheist, being far left in terms of political beliefs, and being able to cope with my depression. My husband checks all those boxes, but he also has a lot of other traits I found desirable. He has kind eyes, curly hair, really nice legs and plays several instruments. We have the same values, sense of humor, taste in music and a lot of shared interests. We also both have a similar form of anxiety. He is definitely better than I am at most things. Neither of us are perfect since that doesn't exist, but we work on our relationship because it's worth it to us. This idea of an ideal partner is unhealthy.
You wanted him to be an atheist? or you didnt? And I dont understand why it matters if he is atheist or agnostic.. why does it matter?
@@xFersureMatt yes, very weird. "I don't want him to be accountable to a higher being" ? Whatever I'm depressed about... don't ask me to grow, just put up with whatever my depression dishes out. Sounds like far left, yep
Religion can be very toxic and usually can lead to reactionary conservative beliefs. Personal preferences are perfectly reasonable and good things.
@@sanallamogan yeah, I understand religion is important to people. But if I love someone I wouldn't mind going to church or whatever function even if I'm atheist. I also wouldn't mind our children's mother teaching them about God, even if not religious.. because children will learn and grow anyways and form their own decisions ad adults hopefully. Being a good person has nothing to do with religion. I also dont care if my gf has an iPhone or android. And some people are really passionate about that too.
My ideal partner:
1) knows what they want and why; courageously advocates for their needs and actively creates a life of deep, personal meaning.
2) does not seek conflict but does not shy from it either, understanding the value in deepening understanding of oneself and others, allowing for individual differences, deepening intimacy and seeking opportunities to sincerely care and collaborate through conflict resolution
3) is contemplative and intellectually curious; asks questions and is sincerely interested in me
4) values relationships, connections and community
5) sincere, humble, grounded, centered, kind, compassionate, empathetic, honest, thoughtful, considerate, generous, resourceful, creative
6) values their own happiness and well-being
7) values my happiness and well-being
8) is delighted by me; seeks to delight me
I came across this video by the algorithm overlords. I can tell how much effort you put in. Very well made, concise, interesting and with a personal touch. Subscribed 🙂
Thank you for the hard work to put this together!
If we are usually adapting our expectations to our partner - does this mean it’s unlikely to have unrealistic expectations for a loved partner? Does that make a feeling of being let down by them more valid?
Yes, people definitely bend on what they want in a partner based on how much they like someone. They also might define these attributes differently. There is also pressure people put on themselves to not seem shallow haha
Thank you so much for taking the time to make this video for us ♡
I love the exercise you asked us to do before watching the videos, it’s really interesting reading the responses.
Interesting the note you make at the end about how when you love someone, you adjust your expectations down.
I recently got out of a relationship that fell apart when it transitioned from in person to long distance. In the distance, I realized that without the glue of physical contact regularly present that we didn’t have many shared interests/hobbies to do together virtually, despite me trying a variety of things with her. I’ve always bonded best with people when having shared a activity/experience with them or laughing over the same things with them (in person or online), so it was hard for me to have this realization during the distance. But, since I was deeply in love with this person and wanted to be with them so much, I did what you said: I lowered my expectations, specifically the expectations of the needs I would have fulfilled by the relationship in a long distance setting. I told my then-partner about this, and she got very upset about it, saying she never lowered her expectations in the relationship. Ultimately, she ended things with me, almost 3 weeks ago now. I think this mismatch in expectations was a huge contributor to the end of the relationship.
It’s funny to me, because between her saying she never lowered her expectations, and choosing not to move closer to me despite having all the power in the world to do so (she had a high income remote work job and was living with her parents rent-free, while I had moved for grad school by myself and had a apartment signed for, so I couldn’t just move back. On top of that, she had talked about moving to the same state I moved to for several months before we became distant, but ultimately went back on that commitment), I can’t help but question how deep her love really was for me.
I realize the wording of the last paragraph may be somewhat confusing. But, if you read all that, thank you. I appreciate it.
My ideal partner is kind, empathetic and more or less in line with my political views (I am very politicized now, being in Russia, and pro-opposition). She can listen well, though ofc speak too, I wouldn’t like to be the only entertainer. We kinda match in terms of humour - she makes me laugh and she laughs at my jokes. She is emotionally stable more or less. She is more optimistic about the world than pessimistic - idk, not cynical like some people may be and not too depressed, but thinks that even though it may suck now, we will all go through and it will be better one day. Of course, it’s important to feel visually attracted to each other. From my experience, I value quite a lot a smile in a girl. Though it’s not the only thing, but it’s highly important. Ofc I could enumerate some more things and at the same quite ofc I understand that we should be flexible with it, so these are just my initial thoughts. From my experience, these features luckily go hand in hand in people!
I love how in the end it didn't matter haha. Thank you so much for making this video! Especially on how well-researched it was too 🙌