To me in a nutshell I would say a connection is passive and a relationship is proactive . A relationship requires effort, consideration, acceptance, presence and action. A connection requires none of these. It doesn't even require reality or presence. Great podcast guys! ❤
I never understood that vibing with someone can be onesided. It's true and very painful. You can run yourself into a fantasy which never comes true. Moral of the story: only actions count. Even be careful with them. Time and consistency is the key.
@@alexandrabackhaus-if4gm I would suggest that both words and actions matter. That someone's words support their actions and that over time and with consistency you can come to trust their words just as much as you can trust their actions because of their consistent past. It's hard to fully trust someone if you've been hurt before, but it's even worse to stay hyper-vigilant when someone is being consistent with you.
I was talking to a guy who immediately wanted me off the dating app where we met. I laughed and said I would love to find my guy and get off this app forever.. but let's get to know each other first. I let him know right away I ultimately want to get married. He said he was divorced and so I asked if he would ever want to get married again and he said he could. We had an amazing connection and were on the same page about life and relationship goals and roles.. then he finally told me he had a confession.. he never wanted to get married again. I was stunned because I felt misled in the beginning. He just wanted to live with someone but never marry. I told him I really liked him, but our wants are parallel. I didn't want to continue and fall in love with someone who will never marry me. So I ended it.
Men view relationships as a responsibility. To provide and protect. There's a seriousness to it for them. At least the ones who take it seriously, put a lot of pressure on themselves. Connections are fun because there's less pressure. It's like playing with a puppy vs adopting a puppy. Sometimes they don't want commitment until they feel ready to invest. That's better than the ones who lie about their readiness. But if they're showing you they're not ready, believe them.
@@awsambdaman I think she meant it in a different kind of context? Relationships are definitely a major responsibility for both partners (if you take them seriously that is...) but the expectation of having to provide for and protect another person (and potentially children. Which, well, would be a duel thing, but yeah...) would be a daunting feat for many men? Especially in today's economy, and with any potential risks in the event that things don't work out. Not something they'd want to rush into. However, this is assuming they are traditionally minded. Not like, couples who are DINK (double income no kids) or anything...
I ask for exclusivity after the first time of sleeping together, if the intention is to continue dating. I don't ask if they are seeing someone else. I just ask for exclusivity from that point onward. Take it or leave it. It's not a huge commitment, it's basic respect ... And basic hygiëne.
Why wouldn't you ask for it before sleeping with them? Why would you put your health at risk by sleeping with them before they've stopped sleeping with other people and might be infected with an STD?
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 that’s a good question. Maybe this is where principles and pragmatism clash. When dating, one does get a sense of whether someone is active in that area. That also helps to assess the risk. Then you can (should) use protection, and you can also ask “before we go there, did you get tested recently and how active have you been”. I think it depends a bit on the person how explicit and thorough you want to be. For me, I find it too early to ask for exclusivity before sleeping
I express my non negotiable of no sex until commitment/ relationship early on in dating. It gets rid of the wrong people quickly. It’s the better route, I promise. ❤
Generally, I want to know before sleeping together what her sexual history looks like (recent and in the past). You'll never gather the truth but I want to make a judgement call on the risk (STD's, etc). I wouldn't be asking for exclusivity but if she's sleeping around 'while' we're dating, I'm going to have serious reservations becoming "one of those guys she's sleeping with". Those are the kind of women you NEVER make a commitment to (aka: the 'act' of being willing to sleep with you doesn't mean anything to her any more than it means to those other guys.... it only means something to 'you' with a lady like that).
Matthew brings up all the points you need to understand. Intentionality--I had no intention of getting into a relationship but the guy was believing his dream was mine and it wasn't. Yes we had an 'amazing" connection according to him. But no way according to me. His idea of a relationship was not my idea. You need to get a grip on this immediately.
I'm Spanish and the American concept of exclusivity when getting to know someone has me fascinated. Seriously, an American woman with a sincere interest in a relationship finds out that her romantic interest is having casual sex with multiple partners and doesn't want to stop...and you're just waiting? That's your ideal partner? Seriously, you lack self-love.
I value my time and energy. 😢value myself and even when liking a lot a person, I do not want to become a fan but an equal. ☆ ☆ Dating in the US is kinda crazy, I'm not really into multiple partners, never been. On top of that, as a single mum, I use my babysitter resources wisely. 👐 Sometimes, in the early stages, it's hard not to get "mesmerized " especially when far away. I do admit I have given a lot and in a way "idealized" a quality man, with great values, similar to mine but with not necessarily the same projection or intentions as mine. ☆ Quite frankly, I don't even know what are my projection at the very beginning. ☆ On the one hand, I don't want to jump into a super serious relationship after I did with my ex, that ended being a very extremely damaging one.
Thank you both so much for this video. Very helpful in helping me find closure from a non-committal person who I accidentally got "sold on" too quickly... He told me who he was through comments like "I quickly get bored of the girl I'm seeing," "I like a push and pull dynamic (jokingly..)," "relationships are so much work." Yet, yo girl was hard core projecting and overvaluing the fun/connection/outward personality traits. Lesson learned! Onto the next!
I'm old-fashioned. If I'm dating a woman, I assume I'm supposed to only be seeing that woman, or am I just weird for that? Is it not something to do out of principle? Of virtuous character? Why complicate "when?" in an era where people are struggling and complaining about a lack of commitment? It's not about a pedestal, it's just the right thing to do. If we never gave into the temptation of emotional or physical promiscuity then this probably wouldn't be as much of a problem. However, I believe I understand the simultaneously discussed topic. I understand that we need keep a clear mind despite a connection, which is honestly just synonymous with "chemistry". However, I've done years of the mental health work and still do. I'm flawed and I know other people have flaws and am willing to work through problems and fulfill _communicated_ needs within my ability. I do know relationships are a lot of work but I also feel like people overcomplicate things. Is it really that hard to treat someone you claim to like/love as if you like/love them? Like experiencing disappointment and conflict and realising that they haven't failed the relationship. Ultimately, love is a verb that starts with asking questions, sometimes, maybe often, that question is: "What could I have done better?"
Agreed. I like that you included emotional promiscuity. I personally do not have the capacity or time to date multiple people at the same time, this does not mean I am even 70% sure about someone after date 2 but it makes the time we are both investing more valuable imo. Sure you might change your mind after continuing to see them but why is it seen as a “weakness” in the first place? I think exclusivity early on is one of those things that is important to some people and although uncommon, there are others who share the same expectation of dating one person at a time even if it’s viewed as a myth in our time!! Some us just find it more comfortable & to be honest, practical.
The question that should precede asking someone for a first date is "Are you seeing anyone?" If the answer is yes I'm not asking for that first date. I'm not gambling with my time, effort and resources like that.
@@jasminaloulova9202 At which point if you find out its all you need to know to just walk away and know beyond a shadow of a doubt you did the right thing. They were willing to lie to you from the very beginning and you can't build anything worth having on sinking sand.
But what if they want to date several people, so they can figure out which one they're most compatible with before they decide to become exclusive with anyone?
@@anneliesewright662 How can you give your time to someone that cannot focus on just one person? Dating several people at once doesn’t allow for anyone to be emotionally available and it allows the plot between two people to be interrupted. So any progress you might have made on the first date, takes a backseat. Keep your boundaries and focus on what you want and communicate your standards effectively.
Thanks for talking about the deep connections. I recently went on a date for 3 hours and was texting her for roughly 2 months I believe. Our schedules didn't quite line up, which was fine, it just meant we would have to work harder as things developed. However, in regard to connection, we had a lot of things in common, from animals, nature, hobbies, sports, food, music, etc... almost to the point where I thought I was looking at my own reflection in the female form. She presented herself as old fashion as well, but little did I know, she was "checked out" after the first date because she was very judgmental and didn't communicate to me things where she felt I fell short for her needs, or expectations in the relationship. She also came across as ungrateful when she asked me for advice. I'd give it and then she wouldn't reply. But If I texted again later on, she would. I was offered friendship and I refused, which at that point, she turned my 100% rejection of her into me being unpleasant and belittling. So I really appreciate this podcast explaining to me how things can be very deceiving in the beginning. People aren't always what they project within the first 3 months.
What an awesome episode! I absolutely resonated with everything you said.I think if we have a light but grounded conversation about exclusivity it really works and having the clarity of when that would be I feel it is a personal boundary.I know personally I can't continue to have intimacy with someone if we are not exclusive and see where it can actually go, can it turn into a relationship but I understand that not everyone feels the same.I also won't even entertain anyone that is actually not looking for something serious but just wants to have fun or go with the flow but I understand that not everyone is like that. I think if we are both aligned and honest from the start exclusivity conversation should be easy and happen organically.Thank you 🙏
We have to start vetting for exclusivity and monogamy if that is what you are looking for within the first 6 weeks or 6 dates at least. They ask them straight out. If they agree than give that an expiration date of 3 months to see if they can go all in. Then again have another expiration date. Let's face it most players can keep the mask up for awhile but many have that mask fall within 3 months.
People typically show me who they are within 4-5 weeks. That mask is hard to keep on. To be sure I’m getting the real person behind the mask I will wait 8 weeks.
The fact that I lost interest halfway through you message makes me realise that I really don't have time for people who are not on my vibes. We good, i'm just not for you
What is it even with Americans and dating multiple people at once? That's unheard of in my country. If you meet someone, you have dates and see how it goes. During that phase you are exclusive until you made you decision.
I understand Your opinion and I'm from Sweden. We don't date several people at the same time (if You are descent and serious!) we dating one at the time.
I dated someone for 3 months and in that time he asked for exclusivity but there was something holding me back and I wouldn't give it to him. Lo and behold after about 4 months the truth came out and turned out he was a complete alcoholic. In the first few months he never drank a drop of alcohol in front of me. He's now in rehab and I hope he gets the help he needs but it won't be with me! For me there is no rush for exclusivity. I'm totally fine with taking my time to determine if it's worth it for both parties.
Good thinking! I slept with my ex-boyfriend before I knew he was an alcoholic. Then felt bonded to him, so I went through 5 years of hell before I decided to finally leave because he wouldn't quit drinking.
I dated an alcoholic! Horrible experience! They're unpredictable. And, your safety and your kids safety is in their hands, all the time! They lie, they always drunk, want you to drink with them too, spend a lot of money on alcohol and the drunken scenes never end! Even bad when the mother of the alcoholic son is also a drunk! The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree! A disaster, never again!
This is such a brilliant talk. Something I've been thinking about for a long time. But you both broke it down and opened it up in a way that makes it easier for me to be more intentional, and also really notice when someone else isn't.
I meant to add- and not fault someone else for wanting only a connection. But I allow myself to walk away because I want connection and something more.
I think we women are, in part, responsible for this male behavior where they allow themselves to feel a total connection without feeling committed, tricking women into feeling they have something more. First of all, we completely give ourselves away with no guarantees whatsoever. And secondly, we don't talk about it with that person for fear of looking "crazy" for expecting something more from a situation that seemed to promise it. Claiming clarity and honesty should not be shameful. But because we don't feel entitled to do so and don't hold them accountable, this masculine behavior becomes normalized.
I always enjoy listening to you (and reading you) but I felt very uncomfortable about the way you present exclusivity, as if it was such a big deal, a huge decision to make...It's just seeing one person at a time, no one is promising long term commitment, but they are both giving it a shot.
I don't mind someone leaving because they like someone else more but I know personally that I would be too aloof and not care if there wasn't exclusivity and I feel like both people won't give it there best shot to explore and learn where it could lead when they're too distracted texting and dating different people, there won't be enough time to desire each other in between dates cause other people are there. Giving it the best shot with someone can help figure out faster if they're right or not and we should move on.
I wanna give my best shot to figure it out, but it’s a leap of faith for me because it can be very damaging to give my best shot then it doesn’t work 😢
Audrey, if you want to be Disneyland…you’ll have to start taking out the trash a bit more. That’s what really impressed Matthew about the Magic Kingdom. Get on it girl! 😂 (I’m kidding. You are the BEST Audrey. Matthew is lucky to have you. Don’t change. ❤️❤️❤️)
lol that’s so funny. I know Matthew was j/k but the thing is a lot of men like to think the grass is greener in the other side when in reality it’s not. They actually have it so much better where they are. My man won’t commit. I’ve supported him through thick n thin, through the loss of two jobs, when he was broke and almost lost everything. I’m his peace. How he does not understand this is beyond me 😔
not seeing other people for a couple of weeks isn't the decision though, the decision comes after. saying let's be exclusive until we figure out if we want to explore this any further isn't saying yes to them completely.
@@Nikki..... I agree. When Date 1 is scheduled exclusivity, if you are serious about finding someone. You're not committing, other than committing to explore if you two are right (like a week, you should know if it stands a chance.. maybe two). Modern dating is gross.
16:29 I had a great connection with a person but it suddenly took a turn. A connection can be there but if there is no reciprocity on what they want and what/who they're pursuing, then it's not that great of a connection.
Ouch! I’m totally with Audrey. That conversation got awkward really quickly. Matthew started backpedaling and rambled on until I actually started wondering if he is actually gay and had a thing for the guy at the winery. 😂 To me, the connection makes me want the relationship. I don’t think his understanding and experience of connection is the same as hers and mine. His sounds a lot more shallow frankly. Is what he’s referring to even what some of us would call connection? For me, connection includes the feeling of knowing someone, being fully authentic naturally because you feel that they love you for who you are, having an intimacy and vulnerability, a feeling of coming home. How can that not be a driver of wanting a relationship? Maybe the reason is because women already typically want a relationship by default and the limiting factor is finding someone with whom we have the connection. I NEVER would have viewed it the way Matthew described it. Of course a relationship is more work, I guess, if you consider loving someone to be work. It must be a guy thing or an avoidant thing that he’s describing. I just don’t get it. I’m 56 and learned from experience that that feeling of connection is a prerequisite for building the relationship. I married my best friend who checked all the boxes, except I wasn’t in love. It ended in divorce 8 years later and I broke her heart, all because I treated the decision to marry her more like a “business” decision instead of fully listening to my heart and admitting to myself that the love I felt for her wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the deeply connected love I knew I needed. The connection and chemistry is essential. It doesn’t need to be out of this world, but it must be there. That’s where the deep tenderness comes from. That’s the foundation for love to flourish. I’ve got that now with my current girlfriend. She is definitely not my “type” in several ways. Ways that I never thought I’d accept in a partner (no college degree, totally different personality than I typically go for , etc.). But I couldn’t deny the connection and I put that above my perfection-seeking and it has been so worth it. I have matured enough to realize I wanted to build a life with someone with whom I have a real connection, a real person and stopped trying to find someone to fit all my checkboxes. I chose the real woman who came into my life and I’m night and day happier, loved and more loving than I ever imagined. ❤
Where I am from, it is automatically assumed from the very first date that you are exclusive. Only exceptions are if you specifically agree to non - exclusivity, or if one of you cheats. I was really shocked to find out about how Americans handle this in the shows I would watch on tv!!!
Loved this! I'm not getting exclusive with anyone until we've dated for at least 6 months. It takes about that long for us each to see how compatible we are & how we resolve problems.
For me this scares me - to just enjoy connection, I get it, I like it sure, but I fear getting attached with a great connection and therefore feel sad when it was “just for a moment”
Lots of "Players" comments here. IMO, it is rather simple. When you are starting to date someone and they ask you about dating others, you tell them straight up - Yes. That is the point of dating. Everyone who is single and actively dating does not approach it as a singular activity. Most people date multiple people simultaneously which everyone should do. It only gets messy when you start sleeping with one of the people you are dating. You have to be honest here and tell the others that you have slept with one of the people you're dating if you reach that point with them; you must let them decide how to move forward - no hard feelings. They may still want to date, but set boundaries around s*x. Also, if any of them look to be someone you really want to get to know more exclusively, you have to tell the others the truth - that you have become a more serious with one of the people you're dating and you need to pull back in order to see where this relationship may go. You can always come back around if they are still single and it did not work out for you. You most likely will have to go exclusive in that situation too; nobody wants to go through that scenario more than once. Just my $.02 worth.
My introverted ass already finds one person to date too much social activity to manage 💀 dating several people simultaneously sounds like so much to track.
Yeah... my ADHD would find a way to destroy multiple connections at once if I tried to do that. I will stick to living my best life not focusing on dating multiple people who might be a good fit. That sounds awful!
Generally, I come from the position that any lady I might be developing an interest in has other options she may be actively engaging. The same may be true for me as well. My perspective is I want that 'one best option' and divest from the other lesser options. So, when do you do that? If a lady wants to maintain her options after a few dates but you'd prefer to make her the option, then she's not suitable for your commitment. She may not be convinced yet you're her 'choice' (may take a bit longer so it's not time for exclusivity). She may not be willing to 'make a choice' (maybe she never will or is holding out for an option she can't realistically 'choose' for exclusivity but isn't aware of her own limitations). There's a point where a man has to throw in the towel. Some men and women can never be kept by the options that would want to keep them (chasing encounters they may enjoy having but have no future). There's a lot of reasons, as a man, you have to recognize you're dealing with a woman you can't keep. You may not be what she see's as the one she'd give up playing the field for. She may be incapable of not playing the field (she wants to keep her options open indefinitely). She may not be aware of her own limitations with the kind of man that would be interested in 'keeping her' exclusively (a very common problem... chasing dreams rather than realistic outcomes). So 'how soon can I ask for exclusivity'? The answer is the amount of time that it takes you to vet and size up this lady. If it's taking too long to get a read on her, she's not suitable and is a waste of your time. I personally don't think you can force this and you have to decide if she's grounded enough and focused enough on the purpose and outcomes you're looking for. It's all about determining 'suitability' (not 'perfection' or chasing dreams). If you use your head and look at ladies from a 'are you suitable for where I'm heading in life', you won't be asking very many women for exclusivity and let them go back to whatever direction they're going that's not your direction.
My husband and i did a long distance relationship for a year, seeing each other every weekend until we decided to move in together. Tho i didnt have an opportunity he did eventually have one and he moved to me
Ref the emai at 11:41: they are not actually dating. It would be too soon to move to his town, but she could base herself there for a couple of months to see if there is something in it. Or she could invite him to come and stay in her town for a long weekend or a week, and see if regular dating over that time is as good as their other contact has been. In such situations, it's more about extending the time together for a bit, and THEN making a judgement about how to move forward. At this stage the relationship, if it is that, needs to show whether it can carry that and is worthy of that kind of investment.
Here is my issue...and it's definitely a theme in my dating life. Men ask for exclusivity from me almost immediately, but what that means for them they want me exclusively themselves. This does not mean they are a priority in their life or prioritizing their time to spend with me. furthermore it is a major step that comes with additional emotional investment. That is not what they have in mind. They simply want possession imo. and when I will not give them this, of course they see me in a bad light, and I am being judged unfairly.
i was friends with my husband for several months before we started dating, so i feel that’s why we knew on date 2 that we wanted to make it exclusive. we were already comfortable around each other!
Audrey- you should take over this business!! You would have much more advice for us girls than Matt!! After all you were the one who somehow got him to commit!!!
I'm in a similar spot. I went on a first date with someone recently and in the days afterwards, he asked if I was still looking on the dating apps. Well, my accounts were still open but I wasn't currently talking to anyone else. He likes to focus on one woman at a time when he's dating and felt like I was already treating him as an "option" by still being open to possible dates with others.
Honestly, this is a question you have to ask yourself. Do you like to focus on one guy at a time? Do you see this guy as an option? Do you WANT to see this guy as an option? If so, let them go and keep looking on the apps, if not, show through your actions that they're not an option to you. You don't have to close your accounts in front of them, but you should be able to confidently tell them whether you are still looking (by leaving the accounts open) or not (by closing the accounts). By leaving the accounts open, you are creating a future FOMO (fear of missing out) for yourself. Because IF something looks better say 6 months down the road, you WILL be distracted by it. It what these apps are made* to do. This has more to do with self-integrity, if leaving the app accounts open is making you FEEL guilty, listen to your instincts. If it doesn't, then it doesn't.
@@raymondc9513 I think what I'm running into with this guy is that he "thinks" he knows me really well. And that I am what he wants, period. One date doesn't allow us to know someone well enough. I don't see him as an option, or not, at this point because I don't know him. I put the dating apps on snooze for now, but I don't see this relationship going forward as he has significant boundary issues....well, a significant lack of boundaries.
@@raymondc9513but it’s been one date. People need time to understand or potentially develop feelings about their date so it’s unfair to ask her to use her actions to verify if he’s an option or not because she may very well still be processing and so should he.
Me and a girl been talking to each other for 7 months. I live in Europe she lives in Colombia. Bit of a language barrier aswell. I Visited her country 2 weeks ago and stayed for 2 weeks. Long story short she had a lot of work and our planning turned out a lot different. Saw her for a total of 1 hour for various reasons ( scared/anxious, work, sickness). Knowing her reasonably well I believe her but it still stings only seeing her so little. We had some calls during my trip and after my trip and decided to commit and make us official with the next meeting being january. I'm not sure if I made the right decision sometimes. All of a sudden she shows a lot more effort which is nice but at the same time I travel half the globe and she only saw me for 1 hour. I believe a relationship and a connection needs commitment and discipline but at the same time as talked about in this video we dont REALLY know eachother that well... worried if i made the right decision but decided to go with it anyway
You are making a BIG mistake. You spent one hour with this woman and want to make it "official", whatever that means. Take it easy and slow down. You know virtually nothing about how it is to be around this person.
@angel794 I don't think you read my comment well. intensive talking for 7 months and 12 hour difference so a real LDR and it's dating to see where things went.. well not enough effort was put in so broke it off and met a person that really compliments me shortly after. I guess I'm lucky
You said they get the sense of home but don't want to run with it . I want that feeling of home with family values to pursue but not a single man I've gone out with gives me that feeling which I do have with a BF. The connection is where you feel like you can be you without being shamed. Unfortunately sometimes it's between friends that can't go further because they are taken yet you continue to look for that connection with someone else and it's nearly impossible
my boyfriend bahaved terribly at the first stages in our relationship..but I felt the potencial in him, which really developed during our 15 year relationship..
Nah thanks, this "exclusive" before relationship stuff just means guys get what they want then bail when things get real. I'm done with that label Your either dating or in a relationship, none of this childish bs unless you're under 30 imo
Honest question, would you categorize "exclusive" as someone who's only 'dating for benefits'? Since it sounds like you are referring to it as something before (i assume) a serious relationship?
I agree to this - will stop seeing/dating other men if he’s my boyfriend and I’m the girlfriend. There’s no exclusive dating IMO. Whoever invented that?
I will say that focusing on 'connection' and not 'suitability' is a foolish approach (why build a connection with somebody who is actually not suitable). Being suitable can 'include' making that connection but making a 'connection' alone doesn't make a person 'suitable'.
and yes, in life, I've made great connections with several ladies I deemed unsuitable for pursuing any further and refocused on seeking better options for exclusivity based on suitability. An emotional connection is easy but a 'practical' connection based on suitability is not.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Would you people stop clogging comments on different channels with this bogus series of comments that is really an ad for some fake "spiritual counselor". I have seen this EXACT thread at least 3 times on different channels. Get lost, you grifters
I always wonder if I should even get into the dating game if the whole question of excusivity kind of doesn't make sense to me. I always feel like I would just hurt people.
16:10 seriously this is why we need to hear a male perspective on this! Everything Audrey is asking I literally thought the same exact thing to what Matts responding to. At this moment (havent finished the video) I am wondering those questions as well.
This is where guys think differently!! Women think a connection is a relationship. From this we sadly see that guys in general really are just so much living in the moment!! They go around having fun and don't see relationships like us women do!! We want to build on a relationship. We wouldn't spend our preciousl time going on a date if we didn't expect a connection. ❤
I disagree with Mathew. Relationship can be a la carte. It can have structure that is suitable for both parties as long as it works for them. It's not always about sharing totality of their life like in marriage which is a serious relationship.It's about authenticity and integrity
He asked me on our 2nd date. It took me by surprise. He said “if you say that word. We will be “ I didn’t say the word. Too sudden for me. But I kinda want to and I don’t know how to bring it up again. I really really like this guy 😅
I asked my guy today also (2nd date) if want to exclusive. He said "too soon, maybe few more dates." I know he likes me. Maybe need to know each other a little more. 🫣 I felt awkward lol
A guy i'm talking to in an app for around 2 weeks asked me if İ was talking to more guys there or in any other app. İt felt kind of strange to me, without having even met in person yet. What do you think?
You should have met up in person by 2 weeks. It's just fantasy stuff texting and calling all online. And long distance is an absolute no no..If you have met up you can eventually discuss exclusivity.
@@jessicahitchens6926 Totally agree, but we met in this app while I'm recovering from an eye surgery, still cannot go out. Otherwise, of course we had already met in person :)
From a guy's perspective, or at least for some... it means he is serious about finding someone. Why waste time even meeting up if you aren't serious (ie, if you're seeing multiple guys) When a woman is dating other guys, she is asking a man to agree to essentially being in a swinger relationship for however long (a few months?), with the hopes of eventually her saying she will be with only you and never cheating. Incongruent. Yeah.. no thanks. Billion women in the world. It works both ways.. any time in my life that I wasn't serious, I didn't worry about going exclusive or wanting to discuss it. I had a "hardly know you" mentality. I didn't give anything a chance and rationalized it with "we just met", et cetera. The last person also has a great point.. Contemplating is good, but eventually have to get things into action (meeting up).
Oxytocin.Woman,sex=Oxytocin.The feel good bonding love chemical that's produced by the woman during intercourse.Thats the Disneyland you talking about.😂😂😂❤
Matt can we discuss these “red pill influencer” men all over social media preaching high value men should never date a single mother. The concept of this is so illogical and wild to me. I feel like no one is talking about this.
@aleesatr2303It doesn't come up in every relationship. When 2 people like eachother and no one else, they pursue eachother and no one else, no convo needed.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 but without a conversation you're just assuming on your part that they're not seeing anyone else while they might and after 3 months when you figure out they've been dating other people you can't really be mad at them cause you never brought it up and had a conversation about it and they could've assumed there was no exclusivity or else they might've chose to stop seeing others
@aleesatr2303 but I wonder, if someone says they got emotionally close to another person after sometime of dating them, even if they never agreed explicitly to be exclusive, wouldn't they feel they want to be exclusive already? Why would they seek dating and most importantly sex elsewhere?
@aleesatr2303 yes, person 1 is saying to person 2: "I have feelings for you and feel attached", but person 1 also admits they are still seeing physically other people. However exclusivity was never explicitly discussed.
My life has just got more complicated. Someone I've known & cared for, for years, after I'd given up on them, finally said they love me. I said I loved them too. Then they started love-bombing me. They are at a very needy place in their lives. On antidepressants, sleep meds & strong painkillers. Hmmm ... 🙄🤔
I have to ask, what kind of things are they doing that you see as love-bombing (serious question)? I am not saying to allow their behavior to try and dictate your life, since it sounds like you've already spent plenty of emotional investment in this person. It can be extremely frustrating to know that all those feelings you felt had to be buried, but then were dug up the moment this person turned around and gave you something you had been wanting. Has this been a person who's been extremely distant? When things get serious have they shut down in the past? Are they avoidant? Are they a fearfully attached person, which would explain the sudden neediness? These are things you must ask yourself, find the answers, ask them if they are aware of their behaviors and the effects on you AND them? Open communication will help lay down the ground work to sort this out, but there'll still be plenty of work needed once things are laid out on the table.
@raymondc9513 I'm not sure who YOU are, Raymond, let alone anything else! For all that, the questions you ask are useful and valid. I did, in fact, often feel like I had to bury my feelings, and indeed, he often has been distant just at the very times I'd wished he would be close, important family occasions, and he's even gone to the lengths of extreme evasiveness when I asked him straight about such things - lengths I would call 'lying'. This may be such an ingrained habit, it may destroy our chances. ... But where are my manners! Thank you for taking the trouble to share such perceptive and insightful comments with me.
Who's asking: "How Soon Can I Ask for Exclusivity?" A woman? Because she shouldn't. What she should do is, if she is looking for a husband, to keep dating multiple men at the same time. She should not ask a man for exclusivity, and she should not give him exclusivity until he wins her over and puts a ring on her finger. No ring, no exlusivity. Don't ask for exclusivity. Doing so would mean putting a man on a pedestal, making him too important, looking desperate and scaring him away. Let the man chose you out of other women. Give yourself chances to see other men to compare him to and see if you will really say 'yes' to him, when he chooses you. It's a MAN who should ask a woman for exclusivity. And he needs to feel he is in a competition with other men for this woman.
This is delusional…not sure you understand what exclusivity means. No man is putting a ring on a woman’s finger who is not exclusive with them. You also shouldn’t constantly be comparing him to others. That sounds like the mindset of a cheater
I don't want a man to pick me because he feels other men are competing with me. I want him to pick me because he values me. I am not an object to be possessed. This comment sounds like it's coming from someone with incredibly low self-worth.
To me in a nutshell I would say a connection is passive and a relationship is proactive . A relationship requires effort, consideration, acceptance, presence and action. A connection requires none of these. It doesn't even require reality or presence. Great podcast guys! ❤
Good one!💓🌍💐🧡☀️ With the proactiveness and passiveness. Thank you!
I never understood that vibing with someone can be onesided. It's true and very painful. You can run yourself into a fantasy which never comes true. Moral of the story: only actions count. Even be careful with them. Time and consistency is the key.
@@alexandrabackhaus-if4gm I would suggest that both words and actions matter. That someone's words support their actions and that over time and with consistency you can come to trust their words just as much as you can trust their actions because of their consistent past. It's hard to fully trust someone if you've been hurt before, but it's even worse to stay hyper-vigilant when someone is being consistent with you.
I was talking to a guy who immediately wanted me off the dating app where we met. I laughed and said I would love to find my guy and get off this app forever.. but let's get to know each other first. I let him know right away I ultimately want to get married. He said he was divorced and so I asked if he would ever want to get married again and he said he could. We had an amazing connection and were on the same page about life and relationship goals and roles.. then he finally told me he had a confession.. he never wanted to get married again. I was stunned because I felt misled in the beginning. He just wanted to live with someone but never marry. I told him I really liked him, but our wants are parallel. I didn't want to continue and fall in love with someone who will never marry me. So I ended it.
Kinda sad I don't even know why people care about marriage in 2024 but many still do
@@lunaleia952 I don't care about the government part of marriage. The government should stay out of that. I am religious and to us it's a sacrament.
I’m glad you stood your ground.
@@lunaleia952 I’m still just trying to get commitment of some type right now. Marriage seems way off
@@leyacallender4405 thank you.
My bf asked me to be exclusive on date 3. It’s going great 🎉
My fiancé asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend on our first date... it's been 4 years since.
@@jennyverano5576 ❤️❤️❤️💃🏼🕺
Men view relationships as a responsibility. To provide and protect. There's a seriousness to it for them. At least the ones who take it seriously, put a lot of pressure on themselves. Connections are fun because there's less pressure. It's like playing with a puppy vs adopting a puppy. Sometimes they don't want commitment until they feel ready to invest. That's better than the ones who lie about their readiness. But if they're showing you they're not ready, believe them.
Wait women don’t feel a responsibility in relationships?
@@awsambdaman I think she meant it in a different kind of context? Relationships are definitely a major responsibility for both partners (if you take them seriously that is...) but the expectation of having to provide for and protect another person (and potentially children. Which, well, would be a duel thing, but yeah...) would be a daunting feat for many men? Especially in today's economy, and with any potential risks in the event that things don't work out. Not something they'd want to rush into. However, this is assuming they are traditionally minded. Not like, couples who are DINK (double income no kids) or anything...
I ask for exclusivity after the first time of sleeping together, if the intention is to continue dating.
I don't ask if they are seeing someone else. I just ask for exclusivity from that point onward. Take it or leave it. It's not a huge commitment, it's basic respect ... And basic hygiëne.
I love your cool style! "Take it or leave it." No struggling or overthinking at all. Clean and simple like that
Why wouldn't you ask for it before sleeping with them?
Why would you put your health at risk by sleeping with them before they've stopped sleeping with other people and might be infected with an STD?
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 that’s a good question. Maybe this is where principles and pragmatism clash. When dating, one does get a sense of whether someone is active in that area. That also helps to assess the risk. Then you can (should) use protection, and you can also ask “before we go there, did you get tested recently and how active have you been”. I think it depends a bit on the person how explicit and thorough you want to be. For me, I find it too early to ask for exclusivity before sleeping
I express my non negotiable of no sex until commitment/ relationship early on in dating. It gets rid of the wrong people quickly. It’s the better route, I promise. ❤
Generally, I want to know before sleeping together what her sexual history looks like (recent and in the past). You'll never gather the truth but I want to make a judgement call on the risk (STD's, etc). I wouldn't be asking for exclusivity but if she's sleeping around 'while' we're dating, I'm going to have serious reservations becoming "one of those guys she's sleeping with". Those are the kind of women you NEVER make a commitment to (aka: the 'act' of being willing to sleep with you doesn't mean anything to her any more than it means to those other guys.... it only means something to 'you' with a lady like that).
Matthew brings up all the points you need to understand. Intentionality--I had no intention of getting into a relationship but the guy was believing his dream was mine and it wasn't. Yes we had an 'amazing" connection according to him. But no way according to me. His idea of a relationship was not my idea. You need to get a grip on this immediately.
I'm Spanish and the American concept of exclusivity when getting to know someone has me fascinated. Seriously, an American woman with a sincere interest in a relationship finds out that her romantic interest is having casual sex with multiple partners and doesn't want to stop...and you're just waiting? That's your ideal partner? Seriously, you lack self-love.
I value my time and energy. 😢value myself and even when liking a lot a person, I do not want to become a fan but an equal. ☆
☆ Dating in the US is kinda crazy, I'm not really into multiple partners, never been. On top of that, as a single mum, I use my babysitter resources wisely.
👐 Sometimes, in the early stages, it's hard not to get "mesmerized " especially when far away.
I do admit I have given a lot and in a way "idealized" a quality man, with great values, similar to mine but with not necessarily the same projection or intentions as mine.
☆ Quite frankly, I don't even know what are my projection at the very beginning.
☆ On the one hand, I don't want to jump into a super serious relationship after I did with my ex, that ended being a very extremely damaging one.
I'm from Spain too
its perfectly fine to ask if they are dating someone else on a first date even. Some people prefer to date one on one
Thank you both so much for this video. Very helpful in helping me find closure from a non-committal person who I accidentally got "sold on" too quickly... He told me who he was through comments like "I quickly get bored of the girl I'm seeing," "I like a push and pull dynamic (jokingly..)," "relationships are so much work." Yet, yo girl was hard core projecting and overvaluing the fun/connection/outward personality traits. Lesson learned! Onto the next!
I'm old-fashioned. If I'm dating a woman, I assume I'm supposed to only be seeing that woman, or am I just weird for that? Is it not something to do out of principle? Of virtuous character? Why complicate "when?" in an era where people are struggling and complaining about a lack of commitment? It's not about a pedestal, it's just the right thing to do. If we never gave into the temptation of emotional or physical promiscuity then this probably wouldn't be as much of a problem.
However, I believe I understand the simultaneously discussed topic. I understand that we need keep a clear mind despite a connection, which is honestly just synonymous with "chemistry". However, I've done years of the mental health work and still do. I'm flawed and I know other people have flaws and am willing to work through problems and fulfill _communicated_ needs within my ability. I do know relationships are a lot of work but I also feel like people overcomplicate things. Is it really that hard to treat someone you claim to like/love as if you like/love them? Like experiencing disappointment and conflict and realising that they haven't failed the relationship. Ultimately, love is a verb that starts with asking questions, sometimes, maybe often, that question is: "What could I have done better?"
Agreed. I like that you included emotional promiscuity. I personally do not have the capacity or time to date multiple people at the same time, this does not mean I am even 70% sure about someone after date 2 but it makes the time we are both investing more valuable imo. Sure you might change your mind after continuing to see them but why is it seen as a “weakness” in the first place? I think exclusivity early on is one of those things that is important to some people and although uncommon, there are others who share the same expectation of dating one person at a time even if it’s viewed as a myth in our time!! Some us just find it more comfortable & to be honest, practical.
I only date one man at a time and communicate that to the person I’m seeing to make sure we’re on the same page- or I’m out.
The question that should precede asking someone for a first date is "Are you seeing anyone?" If the answer is yes I'm not asking for that first date. I'm not gambling with my time, effort and resources like that.
Brilliant! But they can always lie.
@@jasminaloulova9202 At which point if you find out its all you need to know to just walk away and know beyond a shadow of a doubt you did the right thing. They were willing to lie to you from the very beginning and you can't build anything worth having on sinking sand.
But what if they want to date several people, so they can figure out which one they're most compatible with before they decide to become exclusive with anyone?
@@anneliesewright662 I refuse to be one off those people who date them.
@@anneliesewright662
How can you give your time to someone that cannot focus on just one person? Dating several people at once doesn’t allow for anyone to be emotionally available and it allows the plot between two people to be interrupted. So any progress you might have made on the first date, takes a backseat. Keep your boundaries and focus on what you want and communicate your standards effectively.
Such brilliant analogies, such depth, such humour all at the same time! You two are phenomenal; love you, thank you! ❤
Thanks for talking about the deep connections. I recently went on a date for 3 hours and was texting her for roughly 2 months I believe. Our schedules didn't quite line up, which was fine, it just meant we would have to work harder as things developed. However, in regard to connection, we had a lot of things in common, from animals, nature, hobbies, sports, food, music, etc... almost to the point where I thought I was looking at my own reflection in the female form. She presented herself as old fashion as well, but little did I know, she was "checked out" after the first date because she was very judgmental and didn't communicate to me things where she felt I fell short for her needs, or expectations in the relationship. She also came across as ungrateful when she asked me for advice. I'd give it and then she wouldn't reply. But If I texted again later on, she would. I was offered friendship and I refused, which at that point, she turned my 100% rejection of her into me being unpleasant and belittling. So I really appreciate this podcast explaining to me how things can be very deceiving in the beginning. People aren't always what they project within the first 3 months.
What an awesome episode! I absolutely resonated with everything you said.I think if we have a light but grounded conversation about exclusivity it really works and having the clarity of when that would be I feel it is a personal boundary.I know personally I can't continue to have intimacy with someone if we are not exclusive and see where it can actually go, can it turn into a relationship but I understand that not everyone feels the same.I also won't even entertain anyone that is actually not looking for something serious but just wants to have fun or go with the flow but I understand that not everyone is like that. I think if we are both aligned and honest from the start exclusivity conversation should be easy and happen organically.Thank you 🙏
We have to start vetting for exclusivity and monogamy if that is what you are looking for within the first 6 weeks or 6 dates at least. They ask them straight out. If they agree than give that an expiration date of 3 months to see if they can go all in. Then again have another expiration date. Let's face it most players can keep the mask up for awhile but many have that mask fall within 3 months.
People typically show me who they are within 4-5 weeks. That mask is hard to keep on. To be sure I’m getting the real person behind the mask I will wait 8 weeks.
Its usually 2 weeks for me or 2 hrs 🤣🤣
The fact that I lost interest halfway through you message makes me realise that I really don't have time for people who are not on my vibes. We good, i'm just not for you
@@Rosa-ul5ix No one asked.
@@brennam954 ditto
Aubrey, your POV is gold!! Matthew, you’re always the voice of reason that we ALL need to hear lol
What is it even with Americans and dating multiple people at once? That's unheard of in my country. If you meet someone, you have dates and see how it goes. During that phase you are exclusive until you made you decision.
Looooooool where are you from???
I understand Your opinion and I'm from Sweden. We don't date several people at the same time (if You are descent and serious!) we dating one at the time.
For most Americans, one partner is never enough.
Thanks, that how we do it in my country too
YES
I dated someone for 3 months and in that time he asked for exclusivity but there was something holding me back and I wouldn't give it to him. Lo and behold after about 4 months the truth came out and turned out he was a complete alcoholic. In the first few months he never drank a drop of alcohol in front of me. He's now in rehab and I hope he gets the help he needs but it won't be with me! For me there is no rush for exclusivity. I'm totally fine with taking my time to determine if it's worth it for both parties.
Good thinking! I slept with my ex-boyfriend before I knew he was an alcoholic. Then felt bonded to him, so I went through 5 years of hell before I decided to finally leave because he wouldn't quit drinking.
@@anneliesewright662 I was with my alcoholic husband for 20 years so I vowed I would never be with another alcoholic again!
I dated an alcoholic! Horrible experience! They're unpredictable. And, your safety and your kids safety is in their hands, all the time! They lie, they always drunk, want you to drink with them too, spend a lot of money on alcohol and the drunken scenes never end! Even bad when the mother of the alcoholic son is also a drunk! The apple doesn't fall to far from the tree! A disaster, never again!
This is such a brilliant talk. Something I've been thinking about for a long time. But you both broke it down and opened it up in a way that makes it easier for me to be more intentional, and also really notice when someone else isn't.
I meant to add- and not fault someone else for wanting only a connection. But I allow myself to walk away because I want connection and something more.
You will have such great connections with many people, new people into the future. You won’t and can’t have a “relationship” with all of them.
I love the richness of the contents you speak about and how helpful they are. And I also enjoy seeing you together sharing your thoughts 💬❤
I think we women are, in part, responsible for this male behavior where they allow themselves to feel a total connection without feeling committed, tricking women into feeling they have something more. First of all, we completely give ourselves away with no guarantees whatsoever. And secondly, we don't talk about it with that person for fear of looking "crazy" for expecting something more from a situation that seemed to promise it. Claiming clarity and honesty should not be shameful. But because we don't feel entitled to do so and don't hold them accountable, this masculine behavior becomes normalized.
Word!
Make sure they dont have a "Friend with Benefits", their investment in you will be almost zero
I always enjoy listening to you (and reading you) but I felt very uncomfortable about the way you present exclusivity, as if it was such a big deal, a huge decision to make...It's just seeing one person at a time, no one is promising long term commitment, but they are both giving it a shot.
I don't mind someone leaving because they like someone else more but I know personally that I would be too aloof and not care if there wasn't exclusivity and I feel like both people won't give it there best shot to explore and learn where it could lead when they're too distracted texting and dating different people, there won't be enough time to desire each other in between dates cause other people are there. Giving it the best shot with someone can help figure out faster if they're right or not and we should move on.
Agreed on everything! Except that I get scared about someone leaving :((
I wanna give my best shot to figure it out, but it’s a leap of faith for me because it can be very damaging to give my best shot then it doesn’t work 😢
I only date one man at a time and communicate that to the person I’m seeing to make sure we’re on the same page- or I’m out.
Your comment brings hope.
I RELATE TO AUDREY AND LOVE HER she brings up my thoughts. My first time listening to a podcast where she’s in
Omg how I related when Audrey said "I'm a little offended that our relationship isn't Disneyland to you" 😂😂😂 I FEEL YOU
Audrey, if you want to be Disneyland…you’ll have to start taking out the trash a bit more. That’s what really impressed Matthew about the Magic Kingdom. Get on it girl! 😂
(I’m kidding. You are the BEST Audrey. Matthew is lucky to have you. Don’t change. ❤️❤️❤️)
lol that’s so funny. I know Matthew was j/k but the thing is a lot of men like to think the grass is greener in the other side when in reality it’s not. They actually have it so much better where they are. My man won’t commit. I’ve supported him through thick n thin, through the loss of two jobs, when he was broke and almost lost everything. I’m his peace. How he does not understand this is beyond me 😔
@@leyacallender4405 You are wasting your time with him. How can you not see that you deserve better? He is literally mooching off of you.
Same!!
Perfect timing, totally applicable to my current situation haha
You both are magical
I agree, the 2nd date is to soon to make a genuine decision on someone, because you are still putting your best foot forward.
not seeing other people for a couple of weeks isn't the decision though, the decision comes after. saying let's be exclusive until we figure out if we want to explore this any further isn't saying yes to them completely.
@@Nikki..... I agree. When Date 1 is scheduled exclusivity, if you are serious about finding someone. You're not committing, other than committing to explore if you two are right (like a week, you should know if it stands a chance.. maybe two).
Modern dating is gross.
16:29 I had a great connection with a person but it suddenly took a turn. A connection can be there but if there is no reciprocity on what they want and what/who they're pursuing, then it's not that great of a connection.
Ouch! I’m totally with Audrey. That conversation got awkward really quickly. Matthew started backpedaling and rambled on until I actually started wondering if he is actually gay and had a thing for the guy at the winery. 😂
To me, the connection makes me want the relationship. I don’t think his understanding and experience of connection is the same as hers and mine. His sounds a lot more shallow frankly. Is what he’s referring to even what some of us would call connection? For me, connection includes the feeling of knowing someone, being fully authentic naturally because you feel that they love you for who you are, having an intimacy and vulnerability, a feeling of coming home. How can that not be a driver of wanting a relationship?
Maybe the reason is because women already typically want a relationship by default and the limiting factor is finding someone with whom we have the connection. I NEVER would have viewed it the way Matthew described it. Of course a relationship is more work, I guess, if you consider loving someone to be work. It must be a guy thing or an avoidant thing that he’s describing. I just don’t get it.
I’m 56 and learned from experience that that feeling of connection is a prerequisite for building the relationship. I married my best friend who checked all the boxes, except I wasn’t in love. It ended in divorce 8 years later and I broke her heart, all because I treated the decision to marry her more like a “business” decision instead of fully listening to my heart and admitting to myself that the love I felt for her wasn’t enough. It wasn’t the deeply connected love I knew I needed.
The connection and chemistry is essential. It doesn’t need to be out of this world, but it must be there. That’s where the deep tenderness comes from. That’s the foundation for love to flourish. I’ve got that now with my current girlfriend. She is definitely not my “type” in several ways. Ways that I never thought I’d accept in a partner (no college degree, totally different personality than I typically go for , etc.). But I couldn’t deny the connection and I put that above my perfection-seeking and it has been so worth it. I have matured enough to realize I wanted to build a life with someone with whom I have a real connection, a real person and stopped trying to find someone to fit all my checkboxes. I chose the real woman who came into my life and I’m night and day happier, loved and more loving than I ever imagined. ❤
Where I am from, it is automatically assumed from the very first date that you are exclusive. Only exceptions are if you specifically agree to non - exclusivity, or if one of you cheats. I was really shocked to find out about how Americans handle this in the shows I would watch on tv!!!
Such an awesome talk!
I reallyyy love these two talking!❤❤
You got me lol 😂 in the middle of a crowded store. Get into my JAAARRGH! 🤣
Loved this! I'm not getting exclusive with anyone until we've dated for at least 6 months. It takes about that long for us each to see how compatible we are & how we resolve problems.
Mr Hussey may never know, how very true his words are.
Conscious relating is the key to breaking out of the default and creating a relationship(s) by design!
For me this scares me - to just enjoy connection, I get it, I like it sure, but I fear getting attached with a great connection and therefore feel sad when it was “just for a moment”
Lots of "Players" comments here. IMO, it is rather simple. When you are starting to date someone and they ask you about dating others, you tell them straight up - Yes. That is the point of dating. Everyone who is single and actively dating does not approach it as a singular activity. Most people date multiple people simultaneously which everyone should do. It only gets messy when you start sleeping with one of the people you are dating. You have to be honest here and tell the others that you have slept with one of the people you're dating if you reach that point with them; you must let them decide how to move forward - no hard feelings. They may still want to date, but set boundaries around s*x.
Also, if any of them look to be someone you really want to get to know more exclusively, you have to tell the others the truth - that you have become a more serious with one of the people you're dating and you need to pull back in order to see where this relationship may go. You can always come back around if they are still single and it did not work out for you. You most likely will have to go exclusive in that situation too; nobody wants to go through that scenario more than once. Just my $.02 worth.
My introverted ass already finds one person to date too much social activity to manage 💀 dating several people simultaneously sounds like so much to track.
Yeah... my ADHD would find a way to destroy multiple connections at once if I tried to do that. I will stick to living my best life not focusing on dating multiple people who might be a good fit. That sounds awful!
I think one certainly has a right to ask for exclusivity if you are sleeping with them.
You guys are such a safe place for me. Thank you so much 🖤
Generally, I come from the position that any lady I might be developing an interest in has other options she may be actively engaging. The same may be true for me as well. My perspective is I want that 'one best option' and divest from the other lesser options. So, when do you do that? If a lady wants to maintain her options after a few dates but you'd prefer to make her the option, then she's not suitable for your commitment. She may not be convinced yet you're her 'choice' (may take a bit longer so it's not time for exclusivity). She may not be willing to 'make a choice' (maybe she never will or is holding out for an option she can't realistically 'choose' for exclusivity but isn't aware of her own limitations). There's a point where a man has to throw in the towel. Some men and women can never be kept by the options that would want to keep them (chasing encounters they may enjoy having but have no future).
There's a lot of reasons, as a man, you have to recognize you're dealing with a woman you can't keep. You may not be what she see's as the one she'd give up playing the field for. She may be incapable of not playing the field (she wants to keep her options open indefinitely). She may not be aware of her own limitations with the kind of man that would be interested in 'keeping her' exclusively (a very common problem... chasing dreams rather than realistic outcomes).
So 'how soon can I ask for exclusivity'? The answer is the amount of time that it takes you to vet and size up this lady. If it's taking too long to get a read on her, she's not suitable and is a waste of your time. I personally don't think you can force this and you have to decide if she's grounded enough and focused enough on the purpose and outcomes you're looking for. It's all about determining 'suitability' (not 'perfection' or chasing dreams). If you use your head and look at ladies from a 'are you suitable for where I'm heading in life', you won't be asking very many women for exclusivity and let them go back to whatever direction they're going that's not your direction.
Wanting to feel something is not the same as wanting to build something.
My husband and i did a long distance relationship for a year, seeing each other every weekend until we decided to move in together. Tho i didnt have an opportunity he did eventually have one and he moved to me
Ref the emai at 11:41: they are not actually dating. It would be too soon to move to his town, but she could base herself there for a couple of months to see if there is something in it. Or she could invite him to come and stay in her town for a long weekend or a week, and see if regular dating over that time is as good as their other contact has been. In such situations, it's more about extending the time together for a bit, and THEN making a judgement about how to move forward. At this stage the relationship, if it is that, needs to show whether it can carry that and is worthy of that kind of investment.
That's still a huge commitment and a bit stalkerish if she's doing that without any discussions. Also v risky. Just have a convo ffs it's much easier
This was so good ! Because I had these issues with friendships. We were so the same like twins but the vibrations weren’t on the same level.
Wow, that's me currently with the person i'm trying to date with
@@novaexx6587 me too ! I liked a guy and I was just daydreaming so much and I had to realize do I really want them in my world ?
I needed to hear these words 😢
Here is my issue...and it's definitely a theme in my dating life. Men ask for exclusivity from me almost immediately, but what that means for them they want me exclusively themselves. This does not mean they are a priority in their life or prioritizing their time to spend with me. furthermore it is a major step that comes with additional emotional investment. That is not what they have in mind. They simply want possession imo. and when I will not give them this, of course they see me in a bad light, and I am being judged unfairly.
The fact this is even a talking point...how far we have fallen
Fantastic discussion. Absolutely loved it. Keep up the great material 😊
i was friends with my husband for several months before we started dating, so i feel that’s why we knew on date 2 that we wanted to make it exclusive. we were already comfortable around each other!
Did you see yourself with them during the friendship?
Did he ask you out of the blue? Did you have a feeling he was into you? Were you into him during your time as friends only? We need details
Good idea! Start as friends.
By Date 3 I want to know if I am exclusive!!
Audrey- you should take over this business!! You would have much more advice for us girls than Matt!! After all you were the one who somehow got him to commit!!!
I'm in a similar spot. I went on a first date with someone recently and in the days afterwards, he asked if I was still looking on the dating apps. Well, my accounts were still open but I wasn't currently talking to anyone else. He likes to focus on one woman at a time when he's dating and felt like I was already treating him as an "option" by still being open to possible dates with others.
Honestly, this is a question you have to ask yourself. Do you like to focus on one guy at a time? Do you see this guy as an option? Do you WANT to see this guy as an option? If so, let them go and keep looking on the apps, if not, show through your actions that they're not an option to you. You don't have to close your accounts in front of them, but you should be able to confidently tell them whether you are still looking (by leaving the accounts open) or not (by closing the accounts). By leaving the accounts open, you are creating a future FOMO (fear of missing out) for yourself. Because IF something looks better say 6 months down the road, you WILL be distracted by it. It what these apps are made* to do.
This has more to do with self-integrity, if leaving the app accounts open is making you FEEL guilty, listen to your instincts. If it doesn't, then it doesn't.
@@raymondc9513 I think what I'm running into with this guy is that he "thinks" he knows me really well. And that I am what he wants, period. One date doesn't allow us to know someone well enough.
I don't see him as an option, or not, at this point because I don't know him. I put the dating apps on snooze for now, but I don't see this relationship going forward as he has significant boundary issues....well, a significant lack of boundaries.
@@raymondc9513but it’s been one date. People need time to understand or potentially develop feelings about their date so it’s unfair to ask her to use her actions to verify if he’s an option or not because she may very well still be processing and so should he.
Me and a girl been talking to each other for 7 months. I live in Europe she lives in Colombia. Bit of a language barrier aswell. I Visited her country 2 weeks ago and stayed for 2 weeks. Long story short she had a lot of work and our planning turned out a lot different. Saw her for a total of 1 hour for various reasons ( scared/anxious, work, sickness). Knowing her reasonably well I believe her but it still stings only seeing her so little. We had some calls during my trip and after my trip and decided to commit and make us official with the next meeting being january. I'm not sure if I made the right decision sometimes. All of a sudden she shows a lot more effort which is nice but at the same time I travel half the globe and she only saw me for 1 hour. I believe a relationship and a connection needs commitment and discipline but at the same time as talked about in this video we dont REALLY know eachother that well... worried if i made the right decision but decided to go with it anyway
You are making a BIG mistake. You spent one hour with this woman and want to make it "official", whatever that means. Take it easy and slow down. You know virtually nothing about how it is to be around this person.
@angel794 I don't think you read my comment well. intensive talking for 7 months and 12 hour difference so a real LDR and it's dating to see where things went.. well not enough effort was put in so broke it off and met a person that really compliments me shortly after. I guess I'm lucky
You said they get the sense of home but don't want to run with it . I want that feeling of home with family values to pursue but not a single man I've gone out with gives me that feeling which I do have with a BF. The connection is where you feel like you can be you without being shamed. Unfortunately sometimes it's between friends that can't go further because they are taken yet you continue to look for that connection with someone else and it's nearly impossible
Really insightful show it gave me clarity ❤
my boyfriend bahaved terribly at the first stages in our relationship..but I felt the potencial in him, which really developed during our 15 year relationship..
Nah thanks, this "exclusive" before relationship stuff just means guys get what they want then bail when things get real. I'm done with that label
Your either dating or in a relationship, none of this childish bs unless you're under 30 imo
Honest question, would you categorize "exclusive" as someone who's only 'dating for benefits'? Since it sounds like you are referring to it as something before (i assume) a serious relationship?
They use it to hook you. They don't even know what they want either. Just view them as idiots.
I agree to this - will stop seeing/dating other men if he’s my boyfriend and I’m the girlfriend. There’s no exclusive dating IMO. Whoever invented that?
I love Miyazaki & Studio Ghibli! 🔥❤️🔥🔥
I will say that focusing on 'connection' and not 'suitability' is a foolish approach (why build a connection with somebody who is actually not suitable). Being suitable can 'include' making that connection but making a 'connection' alone doesn't make a person 'suitable'.
and yes, in life, I've made great connections with several ladies I deemed unsuitable for pursuing any further and refocused on seeking better options for exclusivity based on suitability. An emotional connection is easy but a 'practical' connection based on suitability is not.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let her go i did all i could to get her back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring her back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is chamani White, and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
Would you people stop clogging comments on different channels with this bogus series of comments that is really an ad for some fake "spiritual counselor". I have seen this EXACT thread at least 3 times on different channels. Get lost, you grifters
I always wonder if I should even get into the dating game if the whole question of excusivity kind of doesn't make sense to me. I always feel like I would just hurt people.
"Get in my jar"...if a man said that to me, I'd be creeped out forever!!!
Maybe that's because you're a little bumble bee. Lol
Boldstandards is cool!
EXCELLENT show!!!!!! ❤ 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
16:10 seriously this is why we need to hear a male perspective on this! Everything Audrey is asking I literally thought the same exact thing to what Matts responding to. At this moment (havent finished the video) I am wondering those questions as well.
This is where guys think differently!! Women think a connection is a relationship. From this we sadly see that guys in general really are just so much living in the moment!! They go around having fun and don't see relationships like us women do!! We want to build on a relationship. We wouldn't spend our preciousl time going on a date if we didn't expect a connection. ❤
This is too scary!! It makes me lose hope in men. We're hearing the truth from Matt!!! Are men really that selfish????
Yes. Know the animal you are dealng with.
jessicahitchens6926 Maam your comments are so hostile toward men maybe take a break from dating
Best to ask early. It's way more awkward to ssk later on.
Man i have a lot to think about bc things have not been going like this at alllll 😂😅
How soon can we talk about it over dinner or a coffee
I disagree with Mathew. Relationship can be a la carte. It can have structure that is suitable for both parties as long as it works for them. It's not always about sharing totality of their life like in marriage which is a serious relationship.It's about authenticity and integrity
Love you both together!❤
Immediately or see ya.
How can I submit a question for the podcast? Same email?
He asked me on our 2nd date. It took me by surprise. He said “if you say that word. We will be “ I didn’t say the word. Too sudden for me. But I kinda want to and I don’t know how to bring it up again. I really really like this guy 😅
I asked my guy today also (2nd date) if want to exclusive. He said "too soon, maybe few more dates." I know he likes me. Maybe need to know each other a little more. 🫣 I felt awkward lol
You guys can move in to marriage counselling!!
Immediately - Or there abouts
Can anyone create merch with the pickle jar, please?
What episode is the get in my jar?
A guy i'm talking to in an app for around 2 weeks asked me if İ was talking to more guys there or in any other app. İt felt kind of strange to me, without having even met in person yet. What do you think?
You should have met up in person by 2 weeks. It's just fantasy stuff texting and calling all online. And long distance is an absolute no no..If you have met up you can eventually discuss exclusivity.
Men are possessive and insecure. Don't ever forget how insecure and inadequate they are. Some hide it with entitlement /player tactics.
@@jessicahitchens6926 Totally agree, but we met in this app while I'm recovering from an eye surgery, still cannot go out. Otherwise, of course we had already met in person :)
From a guy's perspective, or at least for some... it means he is serious about finding someone. Why waste time even meeting up if you aren't serious (ie, if you're seeing multiple guys)
When a woman is dating other guys, she is asking a man to agree to essentially being in a swinger relationship for however long (a few months?), with the hopes of eventually her saying she will be with only you and never cheating. Incongruent. Yeah.. no thanks. Billion women in the world.
It works both ways.. any time in my life that I wasn't serious, I didn't worry about going exclusive or wanting to discuss it. I had a "hardly know you" mentality. I didn't give anything a chance and rationalized it with "we just met", et cetera.
The last person also has a great point.. Contemplating is good, but eventually have to get things into action (meeting up).
13:03 but if it was not casual chat it be love bombing
Don’t ask! Pay close attention to when they text, when they don’t, what they say & don’t say… A person’s habits never change….
Sex is an activity for a person who doesn’t want a connection… Let’s get the right terminology for those two very different things.
Where is all this "wanting to feel something" IN the relationship after dating?
Oxytocin.Woman,sex=Oxytocin.The feel good bonding love chemical that's produced by the woman during intercourse.Thats the Disneyland you talking about.😂😂😂❤
Matt can we discuss these “red pill influencer” men all over social media preaching high value men should never date a single mother. The concept of this is so illogical and wild to me. I feel like no one is talking about this.
If you need to discuss exclusivity, you don't need that person.
@aleesatr2303 lol
@aleesatr2303It doesn't come up in every relationship. When 2 people like eachother and no one else, they pursue eachother and no one else, no convo needed.
@@lavienestpasunlongfleuvetr2559 but without a conversation you're just assuming on your part that they're not seeing anyone else while they might and after 3 months when you figure out they've been dating other people you can't really be mad at them cause you never brought it up and had a conversation about it and they could've assumed there was no exclusivity or else they might've chose to stop seeing others
@aleesatr2303 but I wonder, if someone says they got emotionally close to another person after sometime of dating them, even if they never agreed explicitly to be exclusive, wouldn't they feel they want to be exclusive already? Why would they seek dating and most importantly sex elsewhere?
@aleesatr2303 yes, person 1 is saying to person 2: "I have feelings for you and feel attached", but person 1 also admits they are still seeing physically other people. However exclusivity was never explicitly discussed.
My life has just got more complicated. Someone I've known & cared for, for years, after I'd given up on them, finally said they love me. I said I loved them too. Then they started love-bombing me. They are at a very needy place in their lives. On antidepressants, sleep meds & strong painkillers. Hmmm ... 🙄🤔
I have to ask, what kind of things are they doing that you see as love-bombing (serious question)? I am not saying to allow their behavior to try and dictate your life, since it sounds like you've already spent plenty of emotional investment in this person. It can be extremely frustrating to know that all those feelings you felt had to be buried, but then were dug up the moment this person turned around and gave you something you had been wanting.
Has this been a person who's been extremely distant? When things get serious have they shut down in the past? Are they avoidant? Are they a fearfully attached person, which would explain the sudden neediness? These are things you must ask yourself, find the answers, ask them if they are aware of their behaviors and the effects on you AND them? Open communication will help lay down the ground work to sort this out, but there'll still be plenty of work needed once things are laid out on the table.
@raymondc9513 I'm not sure who YOU are, Raymond, let alone anything else! For all that, the questions you ask are useful and valid. I did, in fact, often feel like I had to bury my feelings, and indeed, he often has been distant just at the very times I'd wished he would be close, important family occasions, and he's even gone to the lengths of extreme evasiveness when I asked him straight about such things - lengths I would call 'lying'. This may be such an ingrained habit, it may destroy our chances.
... But where are my manners! Thank you for taking the trouble to share such perceptive and insightful comments with me.
Get in my jar😂😂😂😂
Can I get an email?
Do u both realize women are being told not to give me thier energy unless they invest real time
How soon before you two got intimate, matthew & audrey?
💜💜💜
Who's asking: "How Soon Can I Ask for Exclusivity?" A woman? Because she shouldn't. What she should do is, if she is looking for a husband, to keep dating multiple men at the same time. She should not ask a man for exclusivity, and she should not give him exclusivity until he wins her over and puts a ring on her finger. No ring, no exlusivity. Don't ask for exclusivity. Doing so would mean putting a man on a pedestal, making him too important, looking desperate and scaring him away. Let the man chose you out of other women. Give yourself chances to see other men to compare him to and see if you will really say 'yes' to him, when he chooses you. It's a MAN who should ask a woman for exclusivity. And he needs to feel he is in a competition with other men for this woman.
lol I developed an allergy to this response by the time I finished reading it, nice try tho
This is delusional…not sure you understand what exclusivity means. No man is putting a ring on a woman’s finger who is not exclusive with them. You also shouldn’t constantly be comparing him to others. That sounds like the mindset of a cheater
This is a bad take
I don't want a man to pick me because he feels other men are competing with me. I want him to pick me because he values me. I am not an object to be possessed. This comment sounds like it's coming from someone with incredibly low self-worth.
Wait, do they ever answer the question? I feel like they didn't lol
You two are making dating sound so pointless and horrible, thanks
I only want to watch Matthew's advices without Audrey and without their jokes regarding their dating.