Why Modern Dating Is Such A Mess & How To Find Love That Lasts | Dr. John Delony
Вставка
- Опубліковано 28 вер 2024
- Dr. John Delony is a two-time #1 national bestselling author, mental health expert and host of The Dr. John Delony Show. John has two PhDs and over two decades of experience in counseling, crisis response and higher education. He is the author of the bestselling books Own Your Past, Change Your Future, Redefining Anxiety and most recently, Building a Non-Anxious Life.
Today on the show we discuss: Why John believes so many relationships are failing today, effective ways to get the most out of your relationship, how to make intimacy and connection last, harsh truths about why short term relationships are becoming the norm in today’s society, how to know when it’s time to end things, how to fight for your relationship and navigate conflict correctly and much more.
⚠ WELLNESS DISCLAIMER ⚠
Please be advised; the topics related to health and mental health in my content are for informational, discussion, and entertainment purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your health or mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your current condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have heard from your favorite creator, on social media, or shared within content you’ve consumed.
If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately.
If you do not have a health professional who is able to assist you, use these resources to find help:
Emergency Medical Services-911
If the situation is potentially life-threatening, get immediate emergency assistance by calling 911, available 24 hours a day.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or suicideprevent....
SAMHSA addiction and mental health treatment Referral Helpline, 1-877-SAMHSA7 (1-877-726-4727) and www.samhsa.gov
John should make his next book entirely about love and relationships: how to find love, how to navigate relationships, how to heal the grief of a betrayal, how to deal with no closure and abandonment etc. I’d buy it!!!
Generally speaking (and this is a generic statement that might not apply to all) most broken families ended up so through emotional dysfunction.. And rather than looking inwards and asking 'what was my part in this', most decide that 'this person was wrong for me'.. Without realising that dysfunction was on both sides. And as long as we point the finger outwards instead of healing that dysfunction, the problem is recurring
This is very insightful as part of it. But both people need to be interested at looking at their own part of it. It's always both of them and it usual isn't an even 50/50. Often the problems are 75% one person and 25% the other.
Yep. 💯
I wish Everyman was like Dr Deloney.
What a KING on earth!
"How can I love you this week?" I love that Dr set up a meeting to discuss/review the week. That's very beautiful to see some of the families doing this.
So good!
It says You are Myne and
I want to Serve You
I fail at feeling enough or worthy. When I get a man's advice, it's the same answer. You got to be young, beautiful, confident, caring, nurturing, fun, plus have something special other women don't have. It's exhausting. I spend all this time meeting the baseline while not getting anything I require in return.
Can I ask how hold you are?
Probably because you are a giver and dating takers. It has to be equally give and take. I have the same problem. I usually end the relationship (mostly after 3- 4 years) since as you said, it's exhausting, and for what?! There's a point where you hit a wall and can't allow being taken for granted and when you leave then they want to give but then I have nothing left to give that person when I end it, it's over! Been single by choice and I don't date either. I prefer meeting people and befriends a while before even thinking of dating, that eliminates a large majority of men who just wants to get laid. I conserve my energy for the right people now.
Men want what they want. You need to move on if you cant give them that. You are more than whatever they think of you and you need to just love you as you are and fix what you think can be improved.
Look for other type of men that you seem to be meeting. Relationship is a two way street ... Ask challenging questions from the get go ... If both sides are vulnerable enough at the beginning, it may be a potential for the long term relationship.
Where does one even find a man willing to put work into a relationship like this? I'm 43, and the well is dry even just for availability, let alone actual viability.
I wonder the same thing
I agree
Me! I am 51yo and divorced. Sadly, my 31yo GF of 2.5yrs and I parted ways on Thursday. Relationships require hard work, constantly. Each of you needs to be prepared to communicate and compromise. If not, ‘Houston, we have a problem’. Sigh.
Gawd. More people need to hear this! Im a Gen Xer but I grew up in a different country where relationships, family and community are still valued. So I grew up with a different value compass. I've finally met someone that seems to be working out and will work out long-term. But yeah, dating here in America is a nightmare! People treat each other horribly like they're disposable commodities. It's a lack of valuing the other person and mostly because people also don't value themselves. People have so much trauma they're carrying around and imposing upon themselves and others. American culture needs to take a pause, reflect, and heal itself so it doesn't keep going on this self-destructive downward spiral.
I’d like to ask which country because my ex was from El Salvador where they were very family oriented and he still seemed to be dating and relating like American culture. He’s been here for at least 15 years which isn’t long so I believe it’s the person and not where they came from!!
@@Beautytrends77 I'm from the Philippines, where we're still mostly Catholic and traditional.
Well said.
Great objective perspective from someone who is not American! Thanks for sharing. I agree! I’m American but have lived in other countries and can see how our society is so broken.
It's just amazing, isn't it??? His knowledge and integrity. You're a goldmine, doc!!!!!
This hit home so much. After 14 yrs my husband just stopped. Stopped trying, stopped wanting, and even starting saying I was controlling. He is right when having the feeling of a home and being safe with your person is important. This has been the most hardest time of my life, and he choice his job over his family. It sucks, but ce’ la vie
Home should be your sanctuary, period!
I feel like a large part of the problem is relationships have become disposable like almost everything in society these days. And everyone wants instant gratification. I loving, mutually respectful and long lasting relationship takes time and effort and most folks aren't willing to put in the time & work.
Thank you for having Dr. Delony back on. I always learn from him. He’s the BEST!!! You asked him some really great questions too.
IMO, our society has been taught to be more selfish than caring for each other and knowing how to please the other person. Of course wanting our own happiness is important, but when ur in a serious relationship that’s not what it’s all about. I believe that’s the main reason why besides every other problem we have
When the other person holds contempt for you is when it is time to leave. Besides that, try to stick it out;especially if there are kids involved. I left my ex and screwed up my family and it has haunted me ever since.
Early on, there's compatibility (along with the normal human issues), but soul-mates take years. Soul-mates are made, not found. Great video!
He should ask who’s ending these marriages and why.
Relationships only lasted longer in the old days because women didn't have any choices. If they lost their husband or left their husband, it would mean financial ruin and poverty. Why is this so hard for people to see?
😂what makes you hate women so much?
@@questiona7 I am a woman. I don't hate them. Why would you say that?
That’s not 100% true.
@@Mmmmkaaay because you’re not 100% correct
This comment is true!
Great interview
So so good.
I, as a true fan, can TOTALLY handle Pantera at 5 am. You are welcome at my house!
I'm a true fan too, but I cant handle heavy metal at 5AM. Sorry, dude!
Also, I notice that when u sabotage and envy others marriage or relationship, it comes back to you.
You have to BE the person you want to marry before you can attract that in a mate. Why would you deserve a partner like that, if you aren't like that?
Hallmark copyright struck this comment.
Exactly 🎉
ive heard that before. Honest sentiment, however; if it were true, then 1/2 wedded people, would still be single.
ppl make each other better together ! ❤
So, I have to be a bread winner, financially well off, kind, forgiving, mild, assertive, loyal and loving in order to attract a man like that? Ok. I am all of those things so why am I single?
I loved this soooo much.
He is absolutely right about all he says. We have to always be on each others side,.be a team and always support each other and never, never let someone else into your marriage,.not even family. I wish I could have been this wise in my marriage. Now.I know better!
People don’t trust that they can be honest with themselves and can’t trust their own feelings enough to be ok so they settle until they see bitter
Yes, my grandparents same thing when my grandmother died my grandfather went down hill to join her was so sad I stull remember his comment when I came to visithim 1030 a.m. all drapes drawn when he answered the door I said Gramps (he was and still hus my hero), why a the drapes closed? He said I hope you never know the heartbreak, I will never know because my so called husband found out after 30 yrs was a cheater and Narcissistic Abuser..but for all of you listening there is hope stay with the one you love..listen and follow these guys are so educational..I so love your honesty..
John is great
Wow! Thank you! The first minute is confirmation! I don't have to be fully whole to have 1! This lie of a twin flame dynamic got me twisted real bad. Your so right!
I'll never do internet dating. Ever!
I don't even have social media😂
I find this insight so powerful! I wish I understood this a long time ago.
John you are right... It's aligned with the Bible.
This is incredible
I wish for more people to listen to this ❤❤❤
People are just lazy. They don’t want to put any effort on the dating sites.
Pictures are crappy they don’t talk I HATE IT !
Smart phones internet
I think the dating sites are too easy. Meet someone new with just a swipe and move on. As an older person don’t get caught up in this trap. As you age all the work in a marriage good and bad is worth hanging onto. Walking away is easy until you look back. Sitting in front of a computer on a dating site in your 50’s all alone is unbelievably lonely.
I need some help...maybe there is someone that has the information I need. My brother has influenced and coersed my 89 year old father against me. I have tried organizations that assist with building resolutions but my brother, father's power of attorney, refuses them for my father. I need a lawyer, Judge, talk show host that can bring this injustice to light. It is a story to tell in our society today, 2024. I'm sure I'm not the only one experiencing this injustice. If you can help me please respond...
Thank you
Independence
❤
Valid points but come on women had no other choices or resources. Even beat women stayed.
I disagree soulmates are real
This guy gives the worst marriage advice. He only talks about what works for him and not everyone else. I followed what he has been talking about and it cost me everything I owned and had to start my life over again
One of our issues is that she doesn’t want to coach me though. She says why do I have to tell you how to love me? Why can’t you figure it out? 12:26
Thank heaven women can sign and vote and have choices🙋♀️🥹
I hope every person who's working on themselves to be a better partner will get the same thing in return , a person that can matches their energy.
Thank you!
I receive it, yes
I think it’s important to make a distinction between being loyal and being too loyal. I tried so hard to maintain my covenant with my partner that I totally lost my identity. I didn’t talk to anyone l, I accepted behavior that I never thought I would. I was married and I was promised that there would be a re-build and a change. It never came and it’s 20 years later with 3 kids. Everything is harder now. I’m not saying I disagree with what is being said, but I think there are some of us who try too hard for something that destroys us.
My husband had an addiction. That fact had me believing that my life, and our marriage, was toast unless he quit the addiction and changed. We finally began attending classes that dealt with addicted folks and their spouses and families. In the first class we attended the instructor said, "You cannot change another person, you can only change yourself. Other people tend to change in response to your change." I thought, "Wow, my living my best life is in my control." From reading your comment It sounded as if you may be trying to please and/or make your husband happy which I know from trying is frustrating and impossible. What do you want? Go for it. I wanted to know what love is, and I found my Creator. He has taught me and guided me ever since.
❤ Blessings from above as you press on to discover what
Our Father has planned for you. ❤
Podcasts show how much you like to gossip amongst each other about women.
I agree bc there is a balance we should have for everything. Best of wishes to you!!
Sometimes by being loyal we betray ourselves
Sounds like you're trapped in a narcissistic relationship. I am so sorry. I called that being loyal to a fault, thats me but I exited a few similar relationships after about 4 yrs, one lasted 10! Never again! I am ultra cautious and keep things slow. I luckily didn't get married and my partner at the time couldn't have children so I feel like I dodged a bullet!! I wish for you to regain yourself and move forward. What helped me allot is watching Dr Ramani's vids on here. Good luck!
Wow! Where are some more men like this guy?!!
Check out his show Dr John Delony show....its full of advice that helps with many different situations. It is helpful and often healing for myself.
Pretty early on in my new relationship but I think I may have found one ❤
I know I've been thinking the same thing haha
Relationships are failing because men no longer want to be providers or protectors. They want to be the princess in the relationship. 🤢🤢🤢
I agree
Exactly!
Truth
John has so much wisdom and insight for his age he's helped me through a lot of confusion and relationship issues in the last 4 years. Awesome you bought him on your channel 🗽
Design something new in a marriage through the various seasons....what a beautiful way to express this.
Three issues that I see:
- Men struggling to adapt to women being financially independent, not *needing* to be with them, women not tolerating weaponised incompetence in the home etc. So clearly more support needed for men on how to be equal partners but recognising that women have different needs.
- Online dating has polluted the early stages of relationships, making people expendable, like commodities.
- Men and women being unwilling or unable to work on themselves, mental health conditions and personality disorders not being treated.
Fidelity?
You guys appreciate it???
Since when?
Every generation has seen men happily sleeping with as many as possible.
All was good then. Ha.
When my husband became extremely ill, I promised him that I would never leave him. He smiled and said that what I said surprised him. I asked why. He said that was rare that people always leave when someone gets sick.
Men leave. He was projecting coz he would leave you
Men have to learn how to communicate and stop cheating.
My son's dad didn't work or have car or change diapers or help around the house and if I asked for anything he blew up at me. Terrible last 4 years smh
I wish I could just watch people.. like healthy relationships just to see what they look like
Befriend happily partnered people! You then get to witness it firsthand. It's truly amazing to witness. And inspiring to see in action.
Two of my friends are each in very healthy relationships. Seeing a specific interaction between one of the couples was enough to make something click in my head that helped to lead me to finally end a very long and toxic relationship.
Wonderful advice when you are already in a relationship. How do you find that relationship?
Exactly they respected eachother it’s all about sex today so sad
Love listening to Dr John These points are such good morsels to help navigate relationships together. I Statements Wow so we can explain how I received vs attacking with you’re NOT…. Creates Safe Space to Talk it OUT as “One” ❤❤❤
It’s a fairly recent phenomenon that men need their wives to like them. We can make money, get loans, have bank accounts now, own property.. we want to like our partner. That’s so new.
Marriages between men have lasted longer than any other couple. So, hope isn’t entirely lost 🤭
@alwaysyouramanda the average gay male has 500 sexual partners so idk about that.
We don’t love with our hearts instead of our eyes
Well I have better luck in person than online but 20 years ago it was the reverse. But I let them pick me then I agree or I don’t. Since I get lots of attention I have options so it works. I don’t do social media other the UA-cam. I prefer deep conversations so for women it’s hard to keep my attention. Most are not used to guys like me where I give them 0 attention and I’ll just walk away. Looks only good so far but if I don’t feel anything am out or if you rub me the wrong way you can’t fix it.
Yep, same.
“how can i love you today?” ❤
It is NOT common sense to us! The difference is, your wife decided to learn and try harder moment she became pregnant, and you didn’t decide that. Until you did. Until it became important to you for whatever reason. Women suffer for men's choice of ignorance, not innocent lack of knowledge.
That was our problem. He brought it all home with.him. Just complained through supper about his job and if he didn't it was just talking about his friends, nothing about me or the kids. Never again.
Women have become equals and most men can't take it. My husband died and now a big piece of property is now totally mine. Finalized couple weeks ago. I now realize that I don't need a man anymore, I have really become moderately wealthy and it feels.pretty good for the first time. I'll never marry again, just flat out enjoy my life. Just be happy for the first time and not have to answer to anyone anymore. A
28:18 powerful statement.
I don't mind if the call comes or not but the video filled me with a beautiful sense of calm ❤
I agree with everything stated here. Value yourself snd value the other person. Yes, there will be twists abd turns or oroblems but you can get through it if you communicate and stay committed to one another. Dont be afraid to learn from each other and appreciate one another. Grow together. You are a team in the world. If you hurt one another with words or actions, you are hurting yourself. With God all things are possible. Lives matter and so do marriages, but it takes two people all in creating a solid foundation and a plan or vision for the family. Two become one with God"s ways at the head. How your family treats one another speaks loudly. Small respectful words, creates a loving environment. Your wirds remind you how to treat one another. Even if you are angry watch what you say. Never belittle family. Try to sit down with them and discuss concerns. Remind them that you love them. Together you can come up with a plan of action.
Yes, where is the man that is *willing to work on a relationship. To nurture a relationship.* I haven't found one.
I need to get back out there. Gets harder by the day.
Excellent podcast
We only focus on what my rights are n not what my responsibilities are..
In Islam, men are the protectors and providers..a woman doesn't have to work unless she chooses to..but it's best to have a degree or trade to fall back on..
feminism has destroyed alot of relationships, imo..don't hate me people lol
Women expect so much from their husband too while she does nothing all day..and still he's shown no respect..
Communication is vital, no matter how embarrassing the topic..best u find out what eachother desire instead of finding it outside the home..
Respect eachother publicly and privately.
Also, a wife will happily make a cup of coffee 4 her boss, and tell her husband 2 make his own, I'm not your slave lol hmmm 🤔 n vice versa
Women work full time now and men don't lift a finger at home so women have to work two shifts, no thanks!
i like how John mentions that men are still banging their heads on the same wall.
7
'Me and my wife' English is my 3rd language but I am pretty sure you're supposed to say: 'My wife and I'. I don't know about that guest but all I hear is, 'my, me, I...'
Married at 20, divorced at 28, horrible experiences dating afterwards I just turned 39 and finally met someone late spring. He's a musician and I left my phone number in his tip jar. Surprisingly, he is perfect. Of course, nobody is perfect, but his flaws aren't red flags and I actually find them endearing. He is 46. It's the healthiest relationship I've ever had and was worth the wait and worth all of the tears thinking I'd never find someone. At some point, I learned to be happy single, so having him is just an added bonus in my life. If you're feeling hopeless, hang in there! I just started the video, but people know they have sooooo many choices and you're just like a t-shirt...she/he can swap you out whenever.