LIMERENCE: In Love With Someone But Pretending to Be Just a Friend
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- Опубліковано 9 гру 2022
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When you're really into someone, but you can't tell them how you feel, because on some level you know they're not interested. So you might be tempted to be their "friend" -- acting like you expect nothing, and feeling silently heartbroken that they have not come around, or changed their mind. And they may go on to date someone else! Hiding that you are in love with someone by pretending you have no needs is normal for people who were neglected as kids. In this video I respond to a letter from a man who has gone to extraordinary lengths to be near a much younger woman who is not interested in him. Hear my advice for healing his life and making real love possible.
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You can never be sure about people as these beings change their hues with time. Be kind to all but never get too attached or expect them to prioritize you. “You can see a difference between people who care and people who pretend to care about you.
😊😊
“The perfect person for you is single, available and in love with you.”
Thank you so much for saying this!! I wish someone told me this 20 years ago
You got this!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Ow, ick, ouch. 😣 This video hit home hard. Several years ago I was in a situationship with a former coworker and I had the limerence hard. I never told him how I really felt because I was always waiting for “the right time” and I placed him on a pedestal. Then of course he fell in love with someone else and got into a relationship. In retrospect I’m so embarrassed over how I acted, like the sweet, understanding, supportive friend who just wanted him to be happy when inside I was heartbroken. I even tried to be friends with his girlfriend. It was only through a ton of therapy and seeking out videos like yours and other sources that I was able to see how unhealthy my attitudes and behavior were, and how so many of my romantic decisions were based on codependency and people pleasing. It was a painful realization, but so worth knowing. Thank you for talking about this subject!
My story exactly!!! Thanks for sharing!!!
Welcome to reality! It’s tough but so much better than living in lies!
I have kinda the same situationship except i know he's in a relationship with another co-worker and a few weeks ago we were all out and he started flirting with me while she was just a few feet away, I am trying hard not to let myself played or fantasise about this but it is very hard especially because I was instantly attracted to him before knowing he had a girlfriend.
I feel like a lot of people fall into that trap. I had a coworker that did this. She prioritized this one man and pretended to be just friends with him despite being clearly mad for him. Her mutual friends would openly pursue this guy and she’d pretend to be happy for them. She would bully his ex’s that he was mad at. I’m pretty sure her limerence is still off and on because she’ll pop back into his life when he needs her for something. It’s very sad to watch someone go through that because at the end of the day, that person is getting nothing out of the bending all the way over backwards. I think us CPTSD survivors tend to romanticize certain points of our lives that seemed magical but actually weren’t if we hadn’t glossed over the worst parts that were actually brutal.
I mean I think that we all want to think that we're friends with somebody before we actually date them right? But deny our feelings and not saying anything is painful in the long run
The cure for limerence is: SELF RESPECT
Yep....sad thing is when Limerent you don't even realise that it has evaporated before your eyes.
If only it were that easy
@@ionageman It’s not easy but it’s possible. I did it. The problem is that every time you say “if it were that easy” you are blocking your own freedom.
You can be limerant and have self respect. Ask me how I know. I never cross any boundaries. I just suffer in silence.
@@priyanka1649 That’s exactly how I was, I would walk away suffering in silence but never begged or was clinging. However, when the self respect reaches a truly healthy level, you don’t suffer in silence anymore because you know you deserve better.
I’m a 23 year old girl and I’m in this situation. I just realized last week how much time I’m wasting thinking about our potential when she’s ALREADY TAKEN and she’s STRAIGHT. There is literally no potential, and even if she was available and into me as well I don’t think it would work as we make great friends but probably incompatible as partners. I’ve wasted so much time that I’ll never get back but I’m glad your video was recommended for me. It was definitely right on time.
I think you're ''lucky'' to be acknowledging this at only 23. I hope that doesn't sound rude! I just honestly wish I had figured this stuff out as young.
@@SusanaXpeace2u Not rude at all, I agree. Even with all of its faults I’m very grateful for the internet.
@@now591 I’m aware. At one point she made a joke about being into girls and I, for some reason, took it as a hint that she was into me and that’s when my obsession with her began. Sounds delusional because it was, but I’m glad I’m finally starting to move on and focus on healing my emotional wounds from childhood so I can actually have a fulfilling relationship with someone! 😄
@Richard Sanderson thank you
Its crazy the time we waste on something thats only in our minds.
But when options are limited, like my situation, its just how things turn out.
Looking back at how I was as a kid, I did the same kind of stuff then. About all thats improved is I can actually say hi to these girls now.
I'm on the verge of being limerant with someone, and I needed this video.
Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
RESIST! Force yourself to restrain the impulse and it will go away in some time.
You either pursue or you don't. But if you do, brace yourself in that roller coaster. It's a bitch when it goes off the rails.
@@RubysDude I will just listen to the Crappy Childhood Fairy’s voice in my mind.
@@monongahelacats If that works best for you, then good luck
emotional neglect + narcissistic abuse as a child is one hell of a drug. you seek out relationships that can "save" you from your abuser or the emotional wounds they caused- and if that person isn't a saviour, hey, just fantasize about them being a saviour. even if you don't truly love that person, you won't leave because you need the limerence to escape. you don't have to worry about developing your own personality with limerence- you just continue the same cycle you experienced with your narcissistic parent, attending to their needs and neglecting your own. you can't be hurt by a fantasy. to the traumatized brain it seems perfect, but it's so dysfunctional.
I have borderline personality disorder and CPTSD, and I’ve read that both manifest similarly. Perhaps the label doesn’t matter as much as two of the hallmark symptoms: emotional dysregulation and fear of abandonment. A BPD channel on UA-cam describes the hole that emotional neglect leaves in a person as “a hungry child who never got fed.” That’s what it can feel like when you’re obsessing over someone. You desperately want them to fill that hole because in the real world, no one ever does. And when someone doesn’t want you, it feels like the end of the world.
Well Articulated ❤😊🎉
Thank you for that, this analogy helped me understand the feeling I faced every time I was limerent on someone.
@Richard Sanderson my best friend has BPD and I don't. I'm more CPTSD and the only difference is he's more manipulative + controlling than I am. Most of the time I withdraw and isolate out of pain. When he's in pain he starts fights and seeks attention from me and everyone else.
I don't control nothing, I let things happen and then I make decisions. He just keeps fighting and untill he gets what he wants and if he doesn't he splits on you . Something I've noticed . Social isolation and withdrawal hurts alot too though. I long for connection but I'm very traumatised and my control comes from discipline and taking myself away from people.
The ending there is a spot-on because it does feel like the end of the world, when my crush seemingly rejects me. I get depressed and quiet and feel like hiding out for days. Not even in any mood for Christmas cheer this year. It's truly embarrassing I can admit it to the friends I do have, but I know even they think I've lost it.
I’ve been on both sides of this fence. I now avoid ‘friendships’ with guys who I know are interested in me when I’m not into them like that.
I don’t like to cause people hurt but it’s such an uncomfortable position when you just want to be friends and you keep getting hints that the other person is always feeling that glimmer of hope in there being more. And you can sense their jealousy if you talk to other guys, even platonically.
And the Schadenfreude when your relationships end badly! I had a “friend” like that who loved hearing how bad things would go for me.
At least you are being responsible here. Some people just don’t want to recognize friendship and relationship boundaries
I also had a guy I had allowed myself to befriend who had limerence for me sabotage a potential dating situation for me. Just another reason to avoid those friendships.
There is no friendship between men and women I guess
@@zorojuro7562 I have friendships with men. Just not men who have a romantic interest in me.
I stopped being emotionally available when my emotions were minimized, dismissed twisted and used against me.
I can relate...wish you all the very best....
The volunteering where she already volunteers feels like stalking to me. I am sure she picks up on the ‘in love’ vibes and when someone is not being honest about their intentions around you it translates as creepy.
The internalised shame about having a crush is spot on. It’s better to just go and say “oh shit man, i’ve got a crush on you and i want to be honest about it so i can move beyond it or, if you fancy me too, maybe we can hang out some more”. Thank you for continuing to bring light to this, fairy. I love your visual of a ‘pyramid of love’ too where romantic love is like the ‘last’ love after all other loves are practised well. Great stuff on this channel.
I just did that a few days ago, "coming clean" with my Lim-object. It worked, the fantasy is gone, though there are twinges in the back of my mind, but they don't manifest into behavior anymore. I just notice the feeling and laugh about it. There is some shame for the amount of time (years) I wasted on limerent behavior, and I'm 73 years old.
@@lancer4709 Thanks. Because of dietary and lifestyle changes I've made, I'm healthier than 95% of people I meet, no matter their age. But I'm alone, invisible to women, so I spend my time "learning and growing." The alternative is succumbing, to the junkfood and "Seinfeld" reruns (which I still do occasionally, more than I like to admit...lol), and basically not realizing my potential. Unacceptable. What's really helping now is reading/studying "The Power of Now," by Tolle. Finding out my thoughts are a choice, not inevitable.
Good wishes to you!
Such a stalker. I feel for this guy as a 41 year old lonely man thinking hes got a shot, but I also love that Anna called him out for ignoring this kids and especially how building a relationship with his kids will actually help him find a real adult relationship. Its so true.
@Sun Search me too age 70. 20 yrs OH MY! And good for you re dietary changes, me too! And, personal growth never stops if we are open. Blessings for a future filled w/ ❤️
@@MrAhuraMazda it may be true in some cases, but not everyones circumstances are the same. Sometimes fixing relationships with kids is difficult. And sometimes you just don't give a damn to want to even try. So bypassing that idea is probably not a bad one.
When I was single, I had a limerence with someone from another and played "friend" and one day, 10 years later he contacted me, we did some sightseeing, since he was from out of town, but the limerence was shattered bc I did not like his character. What a waste of time spent in infatuation. Learned a lot from that though.
I think that's a key point about limerance - a chink of the light of reality can shatter it very easily and the whole facade of this yearning comes tumbling down because it's largely based on fantasy. The reality of a long term relationship with someone isn't really conducive to the production of limerance! A cure for limerance would be to actually be in a long term living together/married situation with the LO - 6 months to a year should cure it, once you're exposed to their boring ways and grotty habits!!! 😂 Instead, the imaginary relationship remains forever magical with butterflies in the stomach at the mere thought of them...
Omg my neighbor, whom looks like Gollum from Lord of the rings, is this way with me. Drove my crazy and blocked me from all other available men by always being around me, tracking me, annoying me. I had to finally get mean and told him to leave me alone. So pathetic. So if I ever feel that way about another, I'm reminded exactly how it feels to be that person. Lesson learned.
"It's like puncturing your own tyres every day" - bingo! I'm going to remember this.analogy.
I haven’t watched this yet but I feel CALLED TF OUT 😭
On god
emotional unavailability is a form of emotional violence towards others, especially if the others are children.
That's absolutely manipulating, to pretend beeing a friend.
Long, dormant memory came up.
I was 18, and a freshman in college; she was 21 and a senior. We worked together.
She was really in to me and said often how cute I was when I turned red, which was often when she was nice to me. After a few months, she came up to me and put her arms around me. I pushed her away while trying to be polite. I wasn't into her because she was so needy. She had that limerent look in her eyes.
I regret that moment. She was so good to me. We went our separate ways, and I never saw her again, but I wondered if she would have been a good fit for me.
I wonder if my "politeness" was a signal to her that I felt the same way. But it was how I was raised.
Other guys were mean to girls they weren't attracted to or "into". They could be cruel. I treated all girls the same whether I was attracted to them or not.
SO wise. I know I was trying to date (OLD) at one point and they all treated me like dirt. I had an epiphany luckily and thought I'm going to focus on improving my relationship with my kids. They were 10 and 7 and I had been acting like I was worn out by them. I made life simpler. Stopped dating. My eldest is 19 now. I did have one good relationship never lived with him though. It is over now because he drinks more than I'm comfortable with. But that's it for me now. I'm ok on my own and luckily I had the epiphany not to LOOK for love when my daughter was there really needing me to be available to her. So grateful i directed the focus back on to my kids before it was too late.
I was in love with a friend of mine for three years. At the end, i was so done with all the pain and circles i finally had the courage to let go.
It was the toughest decision of my life but i have no regrets, it was brave, it was everything i needed. I wish i did that sooner.
Thing is there's a big discrepancy between the love story that I idealize in my dreams and the love stories in reality. What I dream Is very powerful, beautiful, intense, passionate, romantic, fantastic. What It is in reality, like you, in part, also said, Is full of up and downs, disappointments, neglects, manipulations, opportunism, deceiving, betrayals, incomprehnsions and so on. So, until I find someone who shows me quality, until I find someone who really loves me, until I find someone who craves for me, I'll probably keep on dreaming. Simply because I've learnt to live alone, and if there's nobody out there who Is providing me more than I have, I'm not gonna share my life with anybody.
Yeah fantasy is better than reality, a lot of times
@@Heyu7her3 that's the bitter truth. Unfortunately
Be careful with this logic. By staying in fantasy you cut yourself off from good people. Good people are present, theyre not in fantasy. If you insist "im staying in fantasy until someone better comes", you'll stay there.
I think that's the root of the problem - that 'real relationships' are just so damned disappointing. I always want the initial dizzying desire and complete love to continue! That feeling that I'm the best version of myself and the other is simply a magical being! But sadly, with romantic love, familiarity does indeed breed contempt. Even the most heightened experience of limerance would change to being humdrum if the relationship were to become a reality, though that's always unimaginable when experiencing 'that feeling', regardless of how many times it has played out in your life to become stale instead of stimulating!
Being single does not equal to loneliness. Omg do whatever you want, you need no one else. No crap fitting.
Thank you for stepping up for the kids! I feel like this letter describes how to raise children to be limerent...one of the difficult things healing my childhood abandonment is that my parents gave all their love to others. They neglected us to love someone else. and you are made to feel terrible bringing it up! you internalize it as you are neither good enough or terrible enough for their love.....if you are good, someone else needs them. if you are terrible, how ungrateful you are and you are rejected in your need...so you stand nearby, but never interact, if you interact they leave, so you are only allowed to look but never touch, leading to a vulnerability to limerence because of unworthiness. Kids are always learning, what are you teaching the by never being home?
I sadly was on the receiving end of limerence and DID eventually concede to being in a relationship with this man. I became quite fond of him and attached. This took 10 years of my life and in the end he left me! He did the whole line in the beginning that he would rather be my friend than nothing and I was so in desperate need of a good friend that I allowed this....though I must emphasize how hard he pushed to be in my life. I've never experienced anything like it. I am just as much to blame for this situation as he is, but in the end, I am the one who suffered more. He happily left me when it suited him and as far as I know he is blissfully in a wonderful new relationship living his dream life...much of which I supported him into getting. So, beware of people demonstrating limerence towards you as well. Walk away. This is not love and cannot be trusted when the person comes out of it
I'm in an exact same situation. And I think the pushing/jealousy/manipulation part is selfish! You finally concede, and then what? If they really want to be your friend, they would never get jealous, or throw a tantrum if you are with another guy. Just no 😡 It's not fair imo. And to my senses, this is just NOT a friendship. Friendship is unconditional. It doesn't force you into a relationship with someone you initially didn't like lol.
My 8-year absolutely horrid limerance experience taught me so much about myself and in hindsight, changed my path and saved my life. It was terrible to live through, but I’m now so grateful for what it taught me.
Thats a long time. I'm trying to learn from my current experience now. Whats the point of it, and how it fits in with what I am praying for.
@@RubysDude I wish you the best of success!
Tess your story sounds incredible, might I ask what it was, that made change possible for you?
@@tess7798 Thank you. I wish myself luck every day. It's just frustrating and aggravating, when I know I am the one who is responsible for how I feel and go about this obsession. Yet it feels so scary to think of going without.
All my Crush did was look at me and look away, before she left work the other day. Her eyes are the only thing that will hold me together till I see her again. Sad but true.
@@RubysDude Being aware that what you’re experiencing is dangerously unhealthy is a good sign. It’s like realizing that you have a drinking or drug problem. So when an opportunity comes up that you KNOW will help you… take it. It might hurt, but the universe is offering you a life-line, and you must grab it in order to heal.
Ive been retired two years now, Jim, so I have a lot of time on my hands. Good thing, in some ways, but not so good in other ways. Busyness of adult responsibilities keeps internal pain in a nice, tight box, where the key is hidden (until now).
Pick up that key, Jim, hands shaking, and open those boxes
Jim, your childhood homelife dynamics really hits home for me. It was hard to hear your heart, through Anna, especially a lack of loving displays all children yearn for and rightly need.
When my father wrote me a letter, when I was 35, and said he loved me, I broke down and cried. It was the first time. His generation and family just didn't do it. Furthermore, where my mother needed me to be her emotional support really is a gut punch. I was always intuitive and intelligent, so we could have adult conversations even though I was a teenager.
Jim, hope you find healing and real love not the limerence pie crust of fantasy. The pie filling is so much better, though messy at times, than a stale pie crust
Great comment
@@PhoenixFeathers watching Sleepless in Seattle tonight. Love this movie.
Is it a movie filled with Limerence?
Tom Hanks is brilliant in portrayal of grief and search for true love.
The scene where he and Rita Wilson, his real wife, has a relational discussion with friends is priceless.
Tom Hanks girlfriend, in movie, is a classic "people pleaser", even Jona, Hanks son, can see how utterly unauthentic and annoying her laughter and conversation is falling all over him.
It's highly unlikely that I'll find love due to several factors ( Traumatic Brain Injury,Disability,CPTSD,Anxiety,Depression etc)... But I have accepted this and my Hobby of Model Car Building helps fill the void in a way...
This was me throughout my twenties. Did it a few times.
Ditto... And still, today, in my thirties.
This video is absolutely what someone who is experiencing limerence and unrequited loved needs to hear. Absolutely excellent. I'm undergoing this right now, and the discussion about being a friend was absolutely a reflection of me at this time.
The growth part is to gracefully handle it when somebody says no.
This could be me just without an ex wife or kids. Same age. Similar situation with someone at work who is younger and getting married. Wild. The only thing is I'm REALLY good at hiding my feelings. I always joke that people are my super power. I have built the "friendship" as such that she will often approach me to talk for long periods and we have even talked about some quite personal things involving our families. It wasn't until I noticed how "high" I was after these conversations or how "low" I would be if our last interaction didn't go exactly the way I hoped. A few months in I started noticing how irrational some of my thought patterns were. If she left a room with out looking back or didn't pay me much attention in a group I would feel sick all night. I finally started researching what the hell was going on with me. I learned about limerence. It makes sense now. What more intense than a crush. I just hope I can find my way out of this. Thank you for the video!
I have discovered that I am finally cured from limerence. Moving one
Your limerence series is amazing!! So insightful! ❄️❄️❄️
Glad you think so! Thanks for watching :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This was me but I actually dated the person and the obsession never ended so it really wasn't any better 😩 just made the obsession stronger
Really a Fairy. Drives home Direct answers with a proper explanation. And Crystalises the experience of others so they can digest it better and even spoon feeds the lesson. Glad I came across your channel.
Wow- I’ve never heard of limerence, and wish I’d seen this video years ago. There’s a “payoff” to the safety crush bubble, but ultimately it’s painful. I’ve moved on from a long-time crush, and this validates why. Also, I ended up on the other end of limerence (perhaps), and bec I’d felt used in my situ, I decided to set boundaries & not lead this crushing guy on. Well, talk about not handling it with Grace. He’s been carrying on & on for months. I know these people from recovery circles. As you mentioned, I felt that creepy deceit of the “who me?” nice guy that uses friendship as an inroad to connection, but it feels icky on a gut level. Guys like this gaslight, as they decoy irrefutable “kindness” to manipulate & control to their will. It’s so triggering, esp dealing with patriarchal men, bec I want to see what I see, feel how I feel, know what I know. I get in the fishing nets of slippery, tricky people like this who deny my feelings to suit theirs & I need to better steer clear. I’m waking up to this.
There are a number of reasons people play mind games, but the goal is usually to gain a sense of control or power over another person. The player wants to get a specific response, but instead of telling you what they need or asking for what they want, they try to get their needs met by using manipulative tactics.
@@richardeliasjames5190I am guilty of doing this...
I don't pretend to be a friend to be with someone. For me I'm an actual friend, but I might develop feelings. My idea of a perfect partner has always been someone who was my best friend. Is this not the goal? If not, maybe that's why so many relationships fall apart?
Definitely a friend is a great partner, it's the deeper feelings going unacknowledged can causes trouble.
-Cara@TeamFairy
It should be a goal. I think you should know a person inside and out completely. If they are going to be significant in your life. Feelings are good to share. And as long as the other person is capable of handling those intentions.
@@RubysDude For me, I've never cared what the person looks like. I've only cared about who they are as a person, and how they treat others.
This happened to me but the other way around. A guy in a former friend group asked me on a date and I told him I wasn't interested. I still saw him because we were in the same friend group. Everytime we had a friend outting he drove and everyone would nominate me for the front seat so I would sit next to him. It was so uncomfortable but I continued to stay in the friend group. Soon this guy was asking if he could help with things, asking me to get coffee, going to dinner even. I always said yes because we had established a friendship by then through getting to know each other in friend group. I was still not interested in him romantically, we wanted 2 different things in life. He wants kid and I don't. One day he tried to convince me that I did want kids or would one day. I thought it was very odd. I started to try and distance myself from him and felt so guilty. I felt like I had to be with him even though the feelings weren't there. He's been soo nice and always there for me. I even thought that if I didn't give him a chance I would never find anyone in this lifetime. I started saying yes to going out with him when I wanted to say no. I started being very passive aggressive towards him because I didn't know how to react. I just wanted to be so mean that he would stop coming around. The more mean and aggressive I got, the more he called and wanted to be around. Finally it got so bad I had intense insomnia. It felt like a spiritual attack in my sleep. I was so delirious I thought he was my twin flame. I was mad about it too. I didn't want him to be my tf. I didn't want a relationship at all at that point. I was busy healing myself. I ended up at my breaking point and told him I couldn't be friends with him. He didn't take me seriously so I got angry and told him not to call. I told him I would reach out to him when I'm ready. That was about 3.5 years ago and I still don't have a desire to talk to him. I feel like our friendship was based on manipulation and covert contracts. I forgot to mention he continuously bought me gifts and he used that to keep me hooked. I am convinced that witchcraft was used to keep us in a karmic loop because what I went through felt demonic. I'm so blessed to have found my way out and into healthier connections.
sooooo good! real! honest! and from a woman who has received this type of attention, thank you!!
If someone did this to you, you’d feel violated.
I was looking for an answer why my ex chose his old FWB turned BFF over a stable long term relationship with me (whom he claimed he loved me with whole heart). This is my answer. It's not me not enough for him. It's his limerance made him emotional attached to someone else, rather than with a loving and available partner. I thought I was not enough and it gave me troumendous pain post breakup. I'm letting go now as i saw my own value didn't change at all and continues to be validated by myself and others. Thank you.
Lol I'm 32 and this is all I've ever had. I just keep men in my life as friends who I would date to try to get my needs as best as I can. I do not feel bad about this. At all. The alternative is to have absolutely no men in my life and whither from the absence of masculine energy around me. I'm a good friend to them. No one is losing anything.
As for why I do this, no one who I've found attractive has ever been attracted to me. C'est la vie!
Wow Fairy, what a great video. And what a deep issue!!! There are so many layers to it but I would guess that just about every adult who experienced emotional neglect or a parent who wasn't a part of their life has been through this. I know that I certainly have! What has been helping me to make sense of the patterns and cycles in my life, that have been going on for decades, has been to really look deeply at them and try to understand them. It has been so healing for me. It's an ongoing process, and it can be so painful to look at, but I see the changes happening within me. It took me so long to finally get to this point and I'm so thankful to be here.
Glad you're here too!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video helped me sooo much when I first watched it. Posting this again was a good reminder to stay in reality and express myself so I don’t go back into fantasy.
So glad that it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I fell for a guy at work who was having problems in his marriage....I was maŕried too but my husband wanted kids desperately and I didn't....I am adopted and my " mother " never showed me any affection, she had a natural child 5 years after adopting me and from that day on I didn't exist....I loved my "dad" at the time but have since realised that he was an enabler for my "mothers " emotional abuse and never showed me any real love either...I came to realise that I had developed feelings for the guy at work because he was 13 years older than me and that what I was really looking for was a father figure....I tried to end the relationship but he pursued me relentlessly even after I moved jobs....after more than a decade I had a full blown relationship with him and would still be with him if he had not passed away...I look back on the relationship and realise that it was just my obsession with finding someone to take care of me that was so attractive....to anyone who thinks they are truly in love who has not had a parental bond I would say be very careful that you are not just trying to "fill a hole" as I was....much as I loved the guy I was with I was not with him for the right reasons....he was good to me but there was always something missing....
Thank you for sharing your experience. It let's me know that even when you get the relationship you seek, it remains unfulfilling.
This hit home for me too, and I loved the way you went through it. When I meet people who I feel attracted to, I try to enjoy the experience and not have expectations. Depending on how the situation is or how much feelings you have, it can be tricky. But like you said, “Earth is a good place to be,” where we can be grounded and connected to truth, peace, and awareness. ❤
well said!
-Cara@TeamFairy
This video came at exactly the right time for me. I’m in a similar situation with a coworker
Pretending to be someone's friend. I'm familar with that concept. My brother, his twin sister, my mom, and dad were discussing why they should have dinner with the neighbors who invited us. The women think they should go, the guys don't want to, because they don't like the dad and son. The women say, "If they invite us to dinner, we should go, because they were nice and it's rude for us to decline for no reason." Dad says, "Fine, but it's just as rude to pretend to be friends with someone." Bro says, "Which is why I don't pretend to be friends with their son at school."
Phttt! Yeah! _That's_ why you're not friends with him. Because it would be rude if you chatted or hung out with him but didn't really want to be friends with him. Politeness goes first, even if he isn't aware of the true situation. Next up, he'll be telling a teacher our dog ate his homework.
You’re so incredible at what you do.
God, this hurt. I had to focus on breath work through this entire video. I had to face it. I'm pretty embarrassed by my own behavior. The shame of the other person probably thinking I'm creepy is really weighing on me. I guess today is a new day. A day to try to do things differently. To let go of the shame of past choices and move on.
Developmental delay is so relatable omg.
Incredible channel and woman helping people wake up from their own delusion ❤
What about when someone goes out of his way to try to make you limerent on him? That’s what happened to me. A work situation where I avoided this guy like the plague because he was sending mixed signals. Then he came on very strongly and asked me out and then it was he was all in one second, all out the next. Until he knew he had me hooked and then he ignored me. And came crawling back when I’d say I couldn’t handle this. I know I have an attraction to narcissists because you seek out what you know and I grew up with two of them. But how do you handle a situation like this where the person tricked you into feeling this way by sensing your low self-esteem and then started terrible mind games? Yes, I know what’s going on here but narcissists are very tricky and confusing and getting out of such a situation is hellish because your child deprived mind craves their toxic energy and attention.
@Transmute the Simulation 414 thank you so much for your kind words and I agree with all of them. Not there yet on the self love. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get there despite all the hard work. Of course I want better, but the promised passion is intoxicating and incredibly hard to resist. To the extent that it feels worth the punishment, but the “punishment” keeps getting worse. Plus, I’m always wrong and he’s always right. I do see it. I see the red flags. Honoring them is what’s tough for me when the “pot of gold” at the end seems in near reach.
Wow. That sounds horrible, the way his "emotional pendulum" would swing from one extreme to another.
I remember a family friend describing how his daughter would enter a bar, see ten men sitting there in a row, walk past nine decent guys, and start a conversation with the one creep that would use and abuse her.
That has to be some kind of invisible, spiritual Geiger-counter that unconsciously draws a woman to her tormentor.
Hope you get perspective, insight, and freedom to stay clear of those type of men.
@@joeljoy4144 thanks, I hope so too. Currently, I can unfortunately completely relate to your friends daughter as I do the exact same thing. It isn’t a conscious decision, so you’re right about the invisible draw. The only conclusion I can come to is that disapproval and disdain are all I’ve ever known. Making men who genuinely like me appear unappealing.
@@cici2562 makes perfect sense what you said: wrong feels right, and right feels wrong.
I think that is what Anna is trying to help us do: not trust our fickle feelings in making romantic decisions, but to have a concrete, objective plan and values before we start to engage others
For example. She tries to slow down the whole dating process, focusing on respect and good communication before any sexual stuff, or moving in together comes into play. Anna quote, "slow is your friend".
Serious question: what if 6 years into my limerance (for what it’s worth we both have been single all this time) I’ve simple accepted the fact that it’s the way it’s been and most likely will be until one day I find out he found someone else. It’s the fantasy that keeps my otherwise boring life somewhat worthwhile. The greater context is that as a woman of a certain age meaning close to retirement, there really isn’t that much to look forward to
Really. I find myself planning more for when I’m gone in terms of financial responsibilities and loved one, such as wills, I even bought a plot at a cemetery so my loved ones don’t have to worry about it when I’m gone. What I’m trying to say is what’s the harm in living in limerance when there’s really not much left for me. I stopped holding out for some great love of my life because statistically it just doesn’t happen for women my age. Am I delusional? I don’t think so. I have no expectations of this man at this point. He’s a loner, probably dates here and there but doesn’t share much about it. He could be autistic too but that’s just my own assumption. Anyway, I am comfortable in this state and it’s more like radical acceptance that he will never choose me. And yet we speak every few months and I’m a strange unexplainable way it satisfies me. We’re basically friends? Please make a video about my individual situation.
You need to entertain the fact that your life is consumed by Death and that all your Life Energy is poured into Limerence. If this person loved you back, maybe you'd stop planning your death? So one solution is stop planning your death.
I think in all cases, but especially yours, Limerence is a bad attempt at curing a bad current life. A lot is made about childhood this and that but the more I study Limerence the more I see that's not true. Your CURRENT life is the cause. And frankly, you've laid out a very dark life. So Limerence for you is where all that life energy of a bright future is.
Therefore your solution is simple. Make your life better. Take classes. Find places to hang out with others. Talk more to strangers in your neighborhood or routine shops. Try to cultivate relationships to go do things like lunch or spend time. Then look at hobbies. Maybe youre passed working but maybe you enjoy painting or something, or maybe you always wanted to learn how. Now is a good time for that.
It's crystal clear that you have stuck all that's worth living for in this one person. And maybe they will always hold that power. But you can reclaim a lot of it by making the rest of your life not about Death. My Limerence is always significantly worse when my life is bad, and person holds all the keys.
As Carl Jung said, act as if you had centuries to live. Then you live. But when you focus on the past and on death, you die before your time. So live on
Confess. If it works out, then you get together. If it doesn’t, then you’re FORCED to move on. 6 years is crazy.
I’m not a parent but I can relate a lot. I just wish cutting off contact would turn off the feelings. I’ve had these feelings for 6 years and nothing I do makes them go away. Logically I know that’s ridiculous but emotionally my feelings just don’t go away. Thanks CPTSD 😭💔
Sometimes, these videos have my name on them
Glad you're here! -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy so am I 😉💕
Grand rising, Miss!
Within about 10 seconds in to the video i was like "woah, this person is about to describe exactly how i feel and everything i've gone through over the last couple of years" Something i wasn't even sure anyone else has gone through, never seen anyone talk about it before or even mention it. I was beginning to think i was crazy and dysfunctional. I'd like to think i'm through the worst of it now. I've understood and accepted things for what they really are, I've been honest with myself and those involved. Now life is moving on past that line in the sand and i still managed to keep that great friendship and i'm somewhat guilt free now so i would consider that a win.
I was just about to start a drive home looking to put a youtube video on in the background and i randomly decided to type "being in love with a friend" just to see what would come up, and this was the top video. It caught me by surprise seeing it all laid out on a plate with a label and everything and i was just so unaware.
my one bit of advice for anyone facing a similar issue would be to "be honest with yourself".
You'll never be able to break the cycle if you can't face up to reality and what's good for you.
The song reminds me of the movie 500 days of summer… On the first roll through you think she is madly in love with him. Then when he revisits those moments realized she had already checked out.
I am familiar with the movie, but not the song. What's it called?
@@DiamondsRexpensive that thought reminds me… That was an auto correct I didn’t catch
As a fearful avoidant I tried to be friends with my LO for a year and a half, finally sent a goodbye message and walked away. Full of shame.
Use this technique to help deal with shame bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
-Cara@TeamFairy
Girl!! You Always know what to say. Thank you!!!😁
I try
what a heartfelt letter, Jim seems to understand how his childhood emotional deficits influences his adult emotional life. I've suffered from limerence several times in my life. In all cases the LO was completely unsuitable for a satisfying relationship. They were either much younger, already in a long term relationship, far too handsome or their lifestyle and personality were completely unsuited to mine.
Man... fantasy people are so much better than real people, tho 😭
So timely. I know I have a habit of limerence, but this is the first time that maybe the other person is kind of in the same boat. I spent years feeling "into" a man at work, who went over-the-top to keep himself present in my life, but he was just evasive *enough* to make it not a romantic situation. However, after about 3 years, I was finally ready to ask, hey, you want to do something outside of work. He literally ran away from my question (which was far from his normal behavior - always present) and came back to say he "wouldn't be comfortable". I accepted that, but I also asked for distance. He insisted we be friends and 'best buddies' and I really balked at that, but also didn't want to be "mean". Eventually, less than 7 months later, he left the workplace (not related to me, as we were still very interactive - mostly due to him, still). I let him go and never contacted him the second he walked out. He was silent for 3 weeks, then sent me a gift and insisted we were still best buddies. Again, I fell into the fantasy of being cared for. He has kept his insistence on staying in my life even though I have tried on a couple of separate occasions to say this isn't working for me. I even have brought up the dysfunction for me and he just will not accept no for an answer. But he doesn't want more. It's so weird and I hate this state of weird connection. I care about him, he knows it, he says he cares about me, but he is very emotionally unavailable but will not walk away. Yes, I could block him, but that seems so inhumane and not my style. I do not like to be hurtful to anyone. But at the same time I'm hurting myself.
I'm kind of happy to hear about a story from a man, because I believed I was just a fantasy-laden childish woman. Not thinking men could/would have the same issues.
You should definitely block him. I know it seems childish but sometimes it's the only way. Wishing you the best in this situation x
Some men feed off of the energy of a woman liking and desiring them. It feeds their ego tremendously. A respectful man would understand where you’re coming from and know if he has no desire to reciprocate your feelings then he should have the decency to stay away. Particularly if you’ve asked him to do so.
Blocking is the way. Blocking isnt childish, social media is. You owe him nothing on social media platforms. If i told you in 2010 that blocking would be an issue youd be like what a joke its not that serious. Dont let feeling like you owe him something keep you from cleanjng him out. 20 years ago there wasnt even a social media to interact on.
@@MrAhuraMazda it's not social media. I meant cell phone. He does call me and text me.
He doesn't have social media accounts.
Block him. Another like him will come around, block him too. Get out of this cycle
This guy's childhood sounds identical to mine regarding no affection, minus the siblings. And his limerence. Thank you Anna.
Thanks for watching! Glad it was helpful :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I'm extremely close to being limerent for a friend in my friend group and wish to never go through that pain again. I've been keeping busy to distract myself from thinking about him, even trying to find ways to move countries so that I don't fall deeper, but it's been exhausting as its required lots of mental and emotional energy to shift my thoughts on the daily. I don't have money for therapy at the moment but I desperately need daily advice and practices to heal the emotional neglect wound I carry so that I don't become limerent again.
Thankful for you and your work
Thank you for your kind words! Glad you're here. -Calista@TeamFairy
Great video!
I'm so glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy
This is mean, some people really need a friend.
How I got over my limerence was to just ask and get rejected (she’s not interested in me romantically) 😅 I’m not saying this will work in all scenarios, but I think it might be worth giving it a shot if you’re both single. It was quickest way for me to shatter my delusions about us 😅
Oof, another timely video. Got it. Focusing on reality.
You got this! Sending you encouragement :) -Calista@TeamFairy
This really helped me. In my situation, I think the guy was interested in me but I could never work up the courage to ask him out - he also has some childhood trauma that I know of, and is very shy, so never tends to make the first move either. It's been like this for a year now, and I still don't know whether to tell him how I feel or not, or if I should just move on. I said some hurtful things to him a few months ago, which doesn't help, as now I don't think he has the same feelings as before. But I still want to at least make my own feelings known. Also struggling to know if it's a crush, or limerance. It's confusing!
So yes… I am limerent for someone… I’ve told them and they like me too, but due to their circumstances have chosen not to accept my romantic offer. We agreed to be good friends. And yes, I still feel that way about them, not quite as all-consuming as before but it’s definitely still there. It’s bittersweet, lovely and agonizing.
I recognize that it is an escape from my reality as well - but also I am polyamorous and currently in a stable relationship with my partner as well.
So… I’m not alone. I have shared these struggles with my partner and they understand.
I feel like I’m in a very different place than I used to be … where I was always hopeless limerent from someone, and painfully ashamed of it, could never imagine admitting to it, and desperately lonely as well.
Similar story to yours. I eventually walked away, the addiction became too much
Thanks for video 🙏 it is very enlightening for today's youngsters. Please, tell about what is your take on law of attraction?🙏
She would have saved him a lot of grief by saying the first time they met "Sorry but I have a Boyfriend, Fiance etc.."
People literally always make fun of women who do that. Also, his delusional, secretive, unprocessed feelings are not the woman's responsibility.
I had a crush on my classmate for 3 years. Lawd hammercy.
Excellent video, thank you!
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy
Couldn't have found this video at a better/worse time. I'm currently limerent for a straight guy who is a friend of mine. Feelings started early on in our friendship, but I hated the feeling so much because I wanted so badly to be friends. Went on for a summer until a friend of mine that HE was limerent over convinced us to drop him. I reached back out to him later on and thought I was over it, but some feelings returned and now I'm spiraling. Only a few people know about how I feel but everyone thinks it's over. I find myself talking to him when I shouldn't and I have to move on.
How he says that she is the one looking foe . Perfect person , qualities..
Thank you!
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
Having the hobby of Model Car Building helps me with my Limerence issues .. Keeps the brain limber ...
Its scary its like she knows what im thinking and doing
I like your videos..... wished I saw them last year when I could have saved my relationship
Uff, I'm in a situation like this right now. And it's actually like a drug. If I keep away for a couple of days (abstinence) I can see clearly that it's not good for me, but when I'm in it, I completely loose my compas.
The age of the Eremocene... It will crush us. "Do not pretend to be someone's friend..." CRUSHED, I tell you 😖
This is me now 😢I got a reference to a good psychologist from a friend but don’t know how to explain this to the therapist 🤯 any advice is appreciated and thanks for the help and videos ❤
I hate that I know from experience exactly what this is like 💔💔💔
I don't drink alcohol I am a bartender. I was basically my mom's "emotional caretaker" when I was a kid. I didn't have many friends. I was always with her listening to her problems. She is an alcoholic. "Hid my emotions and needs" that completely resonated with me. That is probably my main issue I'm having
So glad you are here!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I am diagnosed major depressive disorder and anxiety and my psychiatrist thinks maybe BPD or bipolar disorder as well. My counselor on the other hand isn't so sure on that diagnosis. The BPD or bipolar.
Definitely doing some figuring out with my mental and emotional health
Awesome how you broke down this letter..great response!
Thanks so much!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Been there done that... IT SUCKS!!
Story of my life 😣😫
Might as well face it, you're addicted to... limerence.
I feel tremendous guilt and shame for behaving this way between the ages of 15 and 20.
When I try to parse through the gross feelings, I get one thinking about the way I positioned myself as a good friend to a person who wasn’t interested in me who I very much wanted to date, for years and years… I know I was young, but it physically hurts to think about.
I ended up actually dating the person for six months… It was a terrible relationship! Go figure. I never even paid attention to who he was as a person, or if we worked well together in reality.
I think that's incredibly selfish, because they don't want friendship. And the friendship they're offering is not inconditional. There's always some kind of manipulation.... and hope for them to change
Hey Anna, I made a comment on one of your latest videos which I've since deleted. If it was notable to you at the time, I'm sorry if the comment was insensitive to the situation. All the best
My parents were too overwhelmed to be emotionally available. 6 kids, always moving due to Dad's job, always a baby. Raised Catholic. Ive forgiven them but I havent been able to have a healthy relationship or get married. I feel uncapable of it I have low self esteem. I always felt like everything I said and did was wrong because my mom was critical of me. I still feel that way a lot. 🤷♀️ There was a guy that contacted me a year ago to go out for coffee but I turned him down. I think he is dating someone-- not sure. Now I feel like I missed out and should have given him a chance. Should I try to find out for sure if he is dating someone so I stop obsessing about him ?
Yes. and I let almost everyone-even my social crowd.- go.
Sometimes we have to.
-Cara@TeamFairy
I really need to hear all this for a reality check bc it is wayyy too easy to keep feeding the fantasy !
Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
Before I discovered Limerence from the crappy child hood fairy I learned a few things .. it’s not love if it’s not returned & the way to deal with that pain was to distance yourself from that other person , so I did , after 20 - 25 years of seeing my love obsession ( friend ) have relationships time and time again .. always being the 5th wheel or the emotional support .. I came to a point where I wanted to jump or a cliff to end the pain and loneliness , a week later a puppy found his way into my life these days we’re still friends , but Limerence is over .. I even fell into it again with another woman after my dog died , she’s married now .. after an early morning messenger exchange we don’t talk anymore , but she’s still an amazing woman and hasn’t blocked me . Knowing what and why Limerence effects me has given me new hope and understanding in why I’m single and live alone .
i let the fantasy die, and nothing came along in the future. the pandemic came along and I wasn’t going to meet anyone inside my hotel room. and now I am too old to die young. but i guess i can still die old and alone.