I've given up on finding love again. I hope all these married people quit taking their spouse for granted and put effort into cultivating the precious gift God has given them.
Cheaters are 100% terrible people. The level of selfishness is wild. You have to be evil to destroy the person you gave an oath to devote yourself to for life. You emotionally, psychologically, and physically hurt your spouse and children. None of those relationships are ever the same and none of the people involved are ever the same.
This is not always true. The question to ask is this "Is my spouse a good person doing a bad thing or just a bad person?" In my case, my spouse was a good person doing a bad thing. Today we have a marriage that neither of us ever thought possible. I would not trade what we have for anything! If I had to go through that season again to get what we have today, I'd do it in a heartbeat! Yes, our relationship is not the same, thank God, it's 1000x BETTER! There IS hope!
@@alidavideo it took time, painful self reflection, and change. Marriage Helper refers to four areas of attraction, these are PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual). During that season I was the most physically attractive I'd ever been, but emotionally, I was not attractive to my spouse at all, nor to myself. My healing and working through the pain required recognizing the pain, identifying the roots of any anger (anger being a secondary emotion to pain), and then giving myself permission to feel. Giving myself permission to feel was really important and a game changer for me. This podcast here was also quite important: marriagehelper.com/heal-loss-love-dr-joe-show-podcast/
I wish they would have more wives on the show in this situation. Perhaps they could better explain why in the world they would ever reunite with the cheating, cruel, lying, evil husband.
@lynnhampton6269 have you seen these? Ren AND Adele: marriagehelper.com/couple-shares-incredible-story-of-reconciliation-impacted-by-multiple-affairs-and-addictions-podcast/ Adele shares her story: kimberlybeamholmes.com/motivation-dedication-and-having-a-why/ Petra shares her story: marriagehelper.com/stand-marriage-spouse-gone/ There are also more stories inside the membership.
“ I don’t believe we were made to make ourselves happy” hallelujah, praise the Lord! It’s almost like there’s a very very old book that says something similar to this. 😂
My wife had an affair and left me after 27 years of marriage in February of 2022. At the time she was turning 50 and going through menopause. I believe she was also in limerence with this guy starting sometime in November of 2021. January of 2023 the divorce was final and in November of 2023 they were married. I’m still waiting for her limerence to end and for her to see the consequences of her choice. Nothing yet and that’s very frustrating. While I held on to restoring the marriage for the year between discovery of the affair and the divorce being finalized, there’s no going back for me. But the frustration of seeing her new marriage just eats at me. Everyone tells me it won’t last and it’s doomed to fail but not seeing that happen just makes me feel like I was problem all along.
It’s not your fault. She was in a limerence emotional affair and was just selfish and she will probably not come back to you I’m sorry for your emotional pain but she is not the woman that you want or need do some personal therapy or watch videos of psychology and understanding human behavior it sounds like you have been trauma bonded by the abandonment and lack of compassion and empathy or guilt she was void of it’s a long painful process to get over it I had the same problem with attachment to my cold mean spirited vindictive ex who i was going to marry but she left me right before the wedding i was traumatized and held on to the feelings for almost 40 years she recently reached out to me online but I have zero feelings for her and don’t even care to talk to her I have a wonderful relationship now when a door closes a window opens if she was still here you would not be able to meet your next wonderful woman that will love you and make your life easier. She is still out there. Good luck my friend try to move on
Both sets of grandparents of mine were married for about 10 years before having affairs with others and moving on to marry the new affair partners. Both sets were very happy with their new partners and married for 40 plus years before passing away. Sometimes this just happens. Try to move on with your life. She is in your past now. You will find happiness again.
You are not the probkem she is. I am dealung with the same issue with my ex partner but I know he will get what he deserves.Karma has no menu, you get what you get.
Its ok to fall out of love. If you dont love the person anymore just divorce them. Why stay with someone you dont love anymore. Sometimes the spouse who is dumped cannot accept thier spouse genuially loves someone else. Accept it and move on with dignity. Dont beg or try to convince someone to stay.
Well honestly this is an easy question to answer from a non religious perspective because there aren’t many valid reasons other than because you have invested a lot in the relationship and for the sake of the kids. From a religious perspective, the bible is pretty cut and dry about God’s design and desire for marriage. Marriage permeance is a key aspect of the Christian faith. Why would I want to make a decision that goes against God’s plan? What good will thar bring?
@@traditionalwoman5648 In the case of unrepentant sin (serial adultery) then yes, leaving is permitted and would be the best option. The issue of remarriage is still wildly debated. Now if the offending spouse is willing to work on the marriage and repent (turn away from their sin and change their interior beliefs) then I think staying and working on it would be what is expected of us. Now to talk on a “happy marriage”, I don’t think we are ever promised happiness in this life and honestly seeking personal happiness is a fruitless endeavor anyway. We will never make ourselves happy be seeking it. I do agree that staying with a serial cheater/ abuser teaches children the wrong lesson but staying in an “unhappy” marriage out of obligation should never be seen as a bad option. We choose who we love and choose our happiness simply through our own thoughts and actions. Any two people can love eachother and have a happy marriage if they put in the effort and learn to manage their inner voice.
@traditionalwoman5648 The answer is different for everyone. For me, it was because I treated my wife horribly for 22 years before she broke. If she stayed with me for 22 years surely I could give her a year or two while I worked on myself to become the best man I could be. That's exactly what I did. I knew if I didn't, I would end up in the same spot again. I'm so glad I did! The marriage we have today is 1000x better than either of us could have ever thought possible. It saddens both of us that we had to go through what we did to get what we have, but we both agree we wouldn't trade anything to be where we are now. There is always hope! Thank you, Marriage Helper!!
What does it mean when a wife says she does not care about what her husband does? What if the marriage was a transactional relationship void of love initially? What if monetary gain is the motivation? What is the danger of leaving your husband for long periods of time because you want to spend a lot of time with family and friends? Is being "honorable" in a relationship healthy for the well-being of the mental and physical body if true love is void? If you really try to make it work out for years and the toxicity is still there and affecting your health is a person wise to stay. What if the husband is imagining that the person he sleeps with and is intimate with sexually has the face of the person he really loves? What if the husband was under the influence of family and didn't marry the person he loves but opted to marry someone more "except able?" What happens when people marry for the wrong reasons?
@@Confessions089 -pressure I’m presuming. I’ve known a ton of ppl that fall into this very category. Sad but others do and can have high influence over our life choices. But that also falls under low self esteem, guilt or resentment. Easier way out. Ultimatums also. Trust me, it happens more than you’d think, sadly.
@lizoliveira Few things: 1. Check out Marriage Helper's free Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/783603618395431/ 2. This playlist walks you through the 7-steps to rescue your marriage: ua-cam.com/play/PLdkl7uIm4ofgSC2NdJK6fDUD8nc5iq5ob.html 3. This playlist walks you through Getting Started with Marriage Helper: ua-cam.com/play/PLdkl7uIm4ofhDspBNnxE3Gl04CquLlni0.html
What I don’t understand is that even when women are asked years later and they say they regret divorcing their husband, they STILL don’t acknowledge it or apologize to the one they hurt, their ex husband.
I've gotten different responses to this, but: what if one partner/spouse says they are in love with someone who has passed away and also in love with you? Is that possible? Adultery isn't an option there, but what about emotional adultery? Or is the heart expansive enough for both?
I think that is different, especially if they had a wonderful marriage with the person who has passed. I’ve not been widowed, but I know a lot of people who have. With death, there’s no concrete closure. There wasn’t a choice to leave them for you. There not that delusional state of hatred that there is with limerence, and they can’t leave you for the deceased person.
Age has nothing to do with a relationship it's how you treat each other my first marriage me and my husband was a year and a half apart all you know how to do was messed with other females so I divorced him I met a man that was 20 years older than me and we got along fine we had our days where we spent and spat but we got along fine I was with him for 20 years till he passed on me
Stop thinking about love as a feeling for one. Love as a feeling is regulated by the same exact principles as every other emotion. What controls all emotions? Our thoughts are what control our emotions. Do emotions last forever? No. So why would you ever think Love lasts forever when it isn’t prioritized. We CHOOSE who we love. Do we always want to get out of bed, eat healthy and workout? No but we do because it’s the right thing to do. If we can’t honor our commitments to other people, we have absolutely no use to society as a whole nor the people around us.
You vowed that you would love him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death or in similar words that carried the same meaning. Love is a choice, not a feeling.
Your thinking the wrong way love isn't supposed to be easy im not trying to sway you but if you made vows honor them unless you in a unsafe environment you should try until the wheels fall off
I wish you’d let the guest would have more of an opportunity to share his thoughts without you constantly interjecting. It seems you like to hear yourself talk more than having your guest give his views.
All that means is you have been continually thinking about them. Our thoughts control our emotions and people can even delude themselves into thinking they are “in love” with someone they have never even met or interacted with simply by creating a fantasy in their heads, investment into someone creates “love” and investment can be strictly inside our heads. Learn to control your thoughts and you will master your emotions.
@@Gotoworkkk Nope, Limerance does not turn into love. You’re talking about two unlike things. Limerance is a chemical shift of various hormones inside our brains (seratonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin) where Love when spoken of in a reality based sense is a choice we make. Limerance in essence is a selfish feeling while love is in direct opposition of selfishness. Now one can make it through limerance and choose love.
I've given up on finding love again.
I hope all these married people quit taking their spouse for granted and put effort into cultivating the precious gift God has given them.
Cheaters are 100% terrible people. The level of selfishness is wild. You have to be evil to destroy the person you gave an oath to devote yourself to for life. You emotionally, psychologically, and physically hurt your spouse and children. None of those relationships are ever the same and none of the people involved are ever the same.
This is not always true. The question to ask is this "Is my spouse a good person doing a bad thing or just a bad person?" In my case, my spouse was a good person doing a bad thing. Today we have a marriage that neither of us ever thought possible. I would not trade what we have for anything! If I had to go through that season again to get what we have today, I'd do it in a heartbeat! Yes, our relationship is not the same, thank God, it's 1000x BETTER! There IS hope!
That’s simply not true. Horrible choices do not make a person horrible. I can tell you’re very hurt and that can bring black and white thinking.
@@ryanbates7259 how did you heal? How did you get through the pain?
@@alidavideo it took time, painful self reflection, and change. Marriage Helper refers to four areas of attraction, these are PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual). During that season I was the most physically attractive I'd ever been, but emotionally, I was not attractive to my spouse at all, nor to myself. My healing and working through the pain required recognizing the pain, identifying the roots of any anger (anger being a secondary emotion to pain), and then giving myself permission to feel. Giving myself permission to feel was really important and a game changer for me. This podcast here was also quite important: marriagehelper.com/heal-loss-love-dr-joe-show-podcast/
I wish they would have more wives on the show in this situation. Perhaps they could better explain why in the world they would ever reunite with the cheating, cruel, lying, evil husband.
@lynnhampton6269 have you seen these?
Ren AND Adele: marriagehelper.com/couple-shares-incredible-story-of-reconciliation-impacted-by-multiple-affairs-and-addictions-podcast/
Adele shares her story: kimberlybeamholmes.com/motivation-dedication-and-having-a-why/
Petra shares her story: marriagehelper.com/stand-marriage-spouse-gone/
There are also more stories inside the membership.
“ I don’t believe we were made to make ourselves happy” hallelujah, praise the Lord! It’s almost like there’s a very very old book that says something similar to this. 😂
My wife had an affair and left me after 27 years of marriage in February of 2022. At the time she was turning 50 and going through menopause. I believe she was also in limerence with this guy starting sometime in November of 2021. January of 2023 the divorce was final and in November of 2023 they were married. I’m still waiting for her limerence to end and for her to see the consequences of her choice. Nothing yet and that’s very frustrating. While I held on to restoring the marriage for the year between discovery of the affair and the divorce being finalized, there’s no going back for me. But the frustration of seeing her new marriage just eats at me. Everyone tells me it won’t last and it’s doomed to fail but not seeing that happen just makes me feel like I was problem all along.
It’s not your fault. She was in a limerence emotional affair and was just selfish and she will probably not come back to you I’m sorry for your emotional pain but she is not the woman that you want or need do some personal therapy or watch videos of psychology and understanding human behavior it sounds like you have been trauma bonded by the abandonment and lack of compassion and empathy or guilt she was void of it’s a long painful process to get over it I had the same problem with attachment to my cold mean spirited vindictive ex who i was going to marry but she left me right before the wedding i was traumatized and held on to the feelings for almost 40 years she recently reached out to me online but I have zero feelings for her and don’t even care to talk to her I have a wonderful relationship now when a door closes a window opens if she was still here you would not be able to meet your next wonderful woman that will love you and make your life easier. She is still out there. Good luck my friend try to move on
You weren't the problem brother. Her commitment was the problem. Stay encouraged and faithful to God. He's called you to peace.
Both sets of grandparents of mine were married for about 10 years before having affairs with others and moving on to marry the new affair partners. Both sets were very happy with their new partners and married for 40 plus years before passing away. Sometimes this just happens. Try to move on with your life. She is in your past now. You will find happiness again.
You are not the probkem she is. I am dealung with the same issue with my ex partner but I know he will get what he deserves.Karma has no menu, you get what you get.
Don't wait for anyone just move on. She will get her karma sooner than you think.
Its ok to fall out of love. If you dont love the person anymore just divorce them. Why stay with someone you dont love anymore. Sometimes the spouse who is dumped cannot accept thier spouse genuially loves someone else. Accept it and move on with dignity. Dont beg or try to convince someone to stay.
Dr.Joe and Ren. Two of my mpst favorites people from the organization! So glad to have seen you on the channel!
Why would you want to be with someone who says that they don't love you? And treats you with such disrespect?
Well honestly this is an easy question to answer from a non religious perspective because there aren’t many valid reasons other than because you have invested a lot in the relationship and for the sake of the kids.
From a religious perspective, the bible is pretty cut and dry about God’s design and desire for marriage. Marriage permeance is a key aspect of the Christian faith. Why would I want to make a decision that goes against God’s plan? What good will thar bring?
@@johnsonjj117 Doesn't make for a very happy marriage though, does it? Is that good for the kids? God does allow divorce in the case of infidelity.
@@traditionalwoman5648 In the case of unrepentant sin (serial adultery) then yes, leaving is permitted and would be the best option. The issue of remarriage is still wildly debated. Now if the offending spouse is willing to work on the marriage and repent (turn away from their sin and change their interior beliefs) then I think staying and working on it would be what is expected of us.
Now to talk on a “happy marriage”, I don’t think we are ever promised happiness in this life and honestly seeking personal happiness is a fruitless endeavor anyway. We will never make ourselves happy be seeking it. I do agree that staying with a serial cheater/ abuser teaches children the wrong lesson but staying in an “unhappy” marriage out of obligation should never be seen as a bad option. We choose who we love and choose our happiness simply through our own thoughts and actions. Any two people can love eachother and have a happy marriage if they put in the effort and learn to manage their inner voice.
You don't. They have to change. Some people are lucky enough to be given a second chance to try to restore the relationship.
@traditionalwoman5648 The answer is different for everyone. For me, it was because I treated my wife horribly for 22 years before she broke. If she stayed with me for 22 years surely I could give her a year or two while I worked on myself to become the best man I could be. That's exactly what I did. I knew if I didn't, I would end up in the same spot again. I'm so glad I did! The marriage we have today is 1000x better than either of us could have ever thought possible. It saddens both of us that we had to go through what we did to get what we have, but we both agree we wouldn't trade anything to be where we are now. There is always hope! Thank you, Marriage Helper!!
What does it mean when a wife says she does not care about what her husband does? What if the marriage was a transactional relationship void of love initially? What if monetary gain is the motivation? What is the danger of leaving your husband for long periods of time because you want to spend a lot of time with family and friends? Is being "honorable" in a relationship healthy for the well-being of the mental and physical body if true love is void? If you really try to make it work out for years and the toxicity is still there and affecting your health is a person wise to stay. What if the husband is imagining that the person he sleeps with and is intimate with sexually has the face of the person he really loves? What if the husband was under the influence of family and didn't marry the person he loves but opted to marry someone more "except able?" What happens when people marry for the wrong reasons?
If you're an adult, then why are other people making important life choices for you?
@@Confessions089 -pressure I’m presuming. I’ve known a ton of ppl that fall into this very category. Sad but others do and can have high influence over our life choices. But that also falls under low self esteem, guilt or resentment. Easier way out. Ultimatums also. Trust me, it happens more than you’d think, sadly.
i needed this episode
So what are the skills that his wife learned and implemented that helped him to want to save his marriage and end his limerence/affair?
@lizoliveira Few things:
1. Check out Marriage Helper's free Facebook group: facebook.com/groups/783603618395431/
2. This playlist walks you through the 7-steps to rescue your marriage: ua-cam.com/play/PLdkl7uIm4ofgSC2NdJK6fDUD8nc5iq5ob.html
3. This playlist walks you through Getting Started with Marriage Helper: ua-cam.com/play/PLdkl7uIm4ofhDspBNnxE3Gl04CquLlni0.html
As pastor Tony Evans taught n said. Agape love. It's the one we choose in marriage. But what about the covenant?
Excellent. Thank you.
Yes not inlove anymore why can’t they except that
What I don’t understand is that even when women are asked years later and they say they regret divorcing their husband, they STILL don’t acknowledge it or apologize to the one they hurt, their ex husband.
I believe only a small percentage regret it.
I've gotten different responses to this, but: what if one partner/spouse says they are in love with someone who has passed away and also in love with you? Is that possible? Adultery isn't an option there, but what about emotional adultery? Or is the heart expansive enough for both?
I think that is different, especially if they had a wonderful marriage with the person who has passed. I’ve not been widowed, but I know a lot of people who have. With death, there’s no concrete closure. There wasn’t a choice to leave them for you. There not that delusional state of hatred that there is with limerence, and they can’t leave you for the deceased person.
Age has nothing to do with a relationship it's how you treat each other my first marriage me and my husband was a year and a half apart all you know how to do was messed with other females so I divorced him I met a man that was 20 years older than me and we got along fine we had our days where we spent and spat but we got along fine I was with him for 20 years till he passed on me
Where can I get counseling with marriage helper?
I don't love my spouse anymore
Stop thinking about love as a feeling for one. Love as a feeling is regulated by the same exact principles as every other emotion. What controls all emotions? Our thoughts are what control our emotions. Do emotions last forever? No. So why would you ever think Love lasts forever when it isn’t prioritized. We CHOOSE who we love. Do we always want to get out of bed, eat healthy and workout? No but we do because it’s the right thing to do. If we can’t honor our commitments to other people, we have absolutely no use to society as a whole nor the people around us.
You vowed that you would love him for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death or in similar words that carried the same meaning. Love is a choice, not a feeling.
@@FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj Just curious. Are there any reasons you feel that way?
Does not mean a person should stay in unhappy loveless marriage.@EremiasRanwolf-d6z
You should let your guest share more of his thoughts. That’s why you have a guest on right, to hear their thoughts.
It is a hard choice
What is?
Your thinking the wrong way love isn't supposed to be easy im not trying to sway you but if you made vows honor them unless you in a unsafe environment you should try until the wheels fall off
I wish you’d let the guest would have more of an opportunity to share his thoughts without you constantly interjecting. It seems you like to hear yourself talk more than having your guest give his views.
What if the "limerance" is still alive after eight years?
🤣
All that means is you have been continually thinking about them. Our thoughts control our emotions and people can even delude themselves into thinking they are “in love” with someone they have never even met or interacted with simply by creating a fantasy in their heads, investment into someone creates “love” and investment can be strictly inside our heads. Learn to control your thoughts and you will master your emotions.
Limerence can turn into love eventually.
@@Gotoworkkk Nope, Limerance does not turn into love. You’re talking about two unlike things. Limerance is a chemical shift of various hormones inside our brains (seratonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin) where Love when spoken of in a reality based sense is a choice we make. Limerance in essence is a selfish feeling while love is in direct opposition of selfishness. Now one can make it through limerance and choose love.
@@nomos6508 it's not funny