The pain you feel when you lose the fantasy is like withdrawal from a drug. When the process of detox is ended and the poison is out of your system you can finally start making true connections.
That not getting something back? It also struck me to have something to do with codependence for me. I can get in "other-ated" mode. I put the focus on the outside, go into a fix it or care taking mode, and don't view my own experience (or the experience of others) clearly. Codependency is not just about putting others first in your own life to the point that their needs take priorities over your own self care. Codependency has to it that layer of trying to exercise a form of control over on in the situation. For me, I was looking for safety on the "outside" because I didn't know how to be my own safe place. My safety growing up had been in the hands of others that were not safe people for children. As an adult, I kept trying to create environments or situations where I would matter--have value, and be therefore be safe, by placing my value on the outside. I wanted be known (as good, desirable, a contributor) as a form of self protection. By controlling the outside with solutions that I felt would be a fix for others, I felt I would somehow be fixing me...keeping me safe and protecting. Yes, other-ated. Codependency and CPTSD for me went hand in hand. I got into co-da (codependence anonymous--a 12 Step group--free) online meetings during the pandemic. The things about the pandemic? It gave us all time and space to break from the narrative we called reality to reconsider what we value in life. Everyone I know has decided to give self-care and mental health issues a greater priority in life. Now we can work on taking better care of ourselves...and then, each other. Kindness to ourselves seems key in all this. It's not kindness to ourselves to put ourselves in a situation where we are getting nothing back or living off crumbs. Those pervasive patterns! But keeping ourselves in constant trying to survive mode isn't true kindness internalize or externalized, in reality. We have survived. Now it's time to learn to heal and to live fully. Grateful for the Fairy and this self help community support.
That seems to be what is happening to me now, I'm staying away from real love and living in fantasy as a distraction. But I want to heal and experience real love, I want to stop with the unhealthy obsession. Out of respect for myself and the other person I care about
Just be careful... I mean maybe mine would have ended badly no matter what but I had someone who was my only crush in high school... now I know I had limerence HARD for him. I waited to act on my feelings because I think it would have been too intense back then. Years later we reconnected and the attraction was high, on both ends. It was more equal finally than it had been in the past, I was more confident and secure within myself and instead of putting him up on a pedestal like I used to when I had limerence hard... This time it was a simple and secure moving towards another person. 🙂 Long story short he was a completely different person than he used to be... (in a bad way unfortunately ha) he used to be one of the weird art kids like me. It seems to me he’s had some sort of wounding surrounding that part of himself and now he’s almost completely disowned the artist part, instead showing up as very cerebral. This is the limerence speaking but sometimes I wonder if I had been there for him back then maybe he wouldn’t have severed that part of himself... I don’t know. Probably not. My self esteem was so low back then I would have been too easy to bend... I would have been crushed by his harshness and with time and my confidence growing I now realize that harshness is just something I am not compatible with. And that’s something he’s always had, haha. It was just a disaster that never would have happened either way, I guess...
@@tessarae9127Hi Tessa, thank you for sharing your story. “When I was younger”. I’m married and have been with my husband for over 10 years. I’m sensible and I go by the facts, not fantasy and I am 34 yo now. I’m like 80% healed because I have done the work over the years to get to this headspace. I’m so grateful for my progress. You’ve been through a lot. Big hugs. Wishing you happy healing.
From the very beginning, I've felt that way. I remember faking a stomachache (tbh I might have actually had a psychosomatic stomachache) and cutting my trick-or-treating short because I was so nervous to stop at my crush's house- I was 9 years old
You are so courageous, Anna, to call someone out. When a parent is not emotional available, children do not learn how to be emotional available as an adult. Let's break the cycle.
yep, just realize this yesterday, after i saw intimacy trauma from parent figure.... no wonder im having hard time to be vulnerable, we, child of Narcissist, never been taken care on emotional level
It's more showing a person priorities, goals, structure and what purpose existentially speaking in relation to their life do these relationships belong (?). Everyone changes, grows, sees so much perspective. Healing results in simplicity and regulation to the point it makes no sense after therapy to blame, shame, ego issues to the artist ego to addiction just don't apply anymore.
I spent over 20 YEARS in a friendship fantasy. Ironically I knew we'd never be together but somehow I still stayed. Don't be me. I wish I had walked away from day 1.
I’ve always liked the phrase, since I heard it, “Love in such a way that the other person feels free.” It really helped me realize that it wasn’t all up to me in getting love. I had to learn how to love freely and allow myself to be loved freely. It took a bit, but internalizing this phrase helped take out the anxiety and self protection I had around romance and wanting to be loved. It stopped me from giving in-order to get.
Ugh yes, I’ve come to despise the concept of “falling in love”... it just feels like you and the other person are just victims and powerless to your feelings. Real love feels free 💙
What I perhaps appreciate most about Anna’s limerence videos is how she emphasizes that healing does not come in shutting down but in opening up. It’s so helpful because my cptsd brain operates like a switch of either being completely lost & drowning in limerence or completely shutting off my heart. The respective extremes have lasted years before the pendulum swings to the other extreme again. Both are equally painful in their own right. Hearing it is okay and in fact healthy to recognize how strongly I can feel for someone and how much that means I desire connection and love helps so much to fight the urge to just run from my heart & all the wounds around it which need to and can, if I don’t run, heal. Thank you Anna
Opening up to yourself and to the other person too? And what if he only wants to be bestfriends with you but you want more? Being rejected like that is also healing? So what do you do after all those things are being done?.. You walk away to totally heal?
@@jedilady4485 Ahhhhh you described something that happened to me exactly. I wrote him a really personal love letter. It was completely, utterly vulnerable and completely me. We had dated and I had not been able to be myself, we parted, became friends, and I decided I wanted to be honest about how I felt and open up the "real me". He not only said he did not feel the same, he said he wanted to be friends and then completely stopped talking to me basically. I have never been SOOO hurt and so rejected, and I realized why I never opened up the real me and my true heart - because it would hurt so much to be rejected for that. It has taken me months, and brought up so many issues with self-worth and despair and such intense shame. I'm still not 100% over it but mostly I would say. The thing is, it showed me I can survive my greatest fear - the fear of opening up and being shown I am, in fact, not good enough to be loved for who I am by, in my eyes, "someone like him" - but I learned that fear was already always in ME. I broke down the way I did not because he did not feel the same way or want more, but because of an underlying fundamental wound to my self-worth I was looking for someone to confirm or heal by loving me. The whole experience made me realize that my own healing of that wound is what will let me get to know someone truthfully and as myself and not be terrified and mistrustful and trying to please them out of fear of being rejected for my truest self. Because I already survived that and it was okay. And I figure the person I meet when I am in THAT energy of fearlessly being myself and wearing my heart and my truth on my sleeve is the person who is truly meant for me. So the situation that nearly killed me in terms of the depth of self-hate and despair it brought up for me was also a blessing in disguise because now I am free of that fear, and it can no longer control me. Have you seen the movie V for Vendetta? Remember how V put Natalie Portman through that hell and how she is so angry but then stands bald at the end in the rain so free from her fear and realizes the gift of it. That is how it felt. It is still painful, but I guess I just wanted to share this with you to say I think maybe some pain is worth it when its the pain that you already carry in you anyways just coming to light. If they are meant for you or it is the right time, they will be compassionate and grateful to you for opening up and wanting to explore things. If they are not, then it is simply their loss or not the right time. I used to hate when people said that - because the truth was, it was always me getting rejected - so there HAD to be something wrong with me. And now I see it differently and I never thought I would. Much of it has been with Anna's help.
@@sar.c5835 wow thank you for this enlightenment! I had childhood neglect trauma and was jealous of my younger sister! I am in really good best friend terms with her for a long time now and my dad and mom has been really showing me love and support! It's just funny how your trauma still projects in your adult life even if you have forgiven and understood why that happened in the past. Now as an adult, I still get that same situation, met this guy, became really good friends, then he met another girl and chose her to be her gf instead of me. We are back as (best) friends now and didn't want me to leave again. So what I'm trying to figure out now is... What part do I need to heal when I have forgiven my dad and sister and I have nurtured my inner child in my meditations? There is something still there that needs to be healed??!
I never realized there was a word for this daydream relationship. You see it all the time on tv and in movies and it’s heavily romanticized. (Friends’ Ross and Rachel is so iconic) and it makes for good stories but misery irl.
That's true. I don't watch dramas much for that reason, but I realise that dramas have to be over the top to attract viewers. I don't watch soap opera s anymore.
Realizing Ross and Rachel are kind of representative of a daydream/limerent relationship because of this comment just made me GASP, incredible example!
Yes. I stuck around in a “situationship” so long pretending I was ok with just being friends. The tough part was realizing this person was not my friend. I truly received nothing but superficial conversations, sporadic visits, and time at his convenience. My emotional needs and sometimes physical were not met. It was not mutually nourishing or reciprocal.
"Come back to your real self and do good things there to make real love possible" is such a beautiful, powerful statement. Thank you so much for this video.
I feel like Limerence can be in a whole other level if you’re lgbtq because there’s the added barrier of sometimes not knowing if someone is open to same sex relations 😅 plus not wanting the dynamic to change a lot if you bring it up...
omg yes. and being trans on top of it....I never know even if someone is the same orientation if they would be attracted to me. its so much easier to live in fantasy
And the added layer of the trauma of growing up LGBT and being exposed to prejudice… I don’t have cptsd, but I’ve concluded that stigma really crippled my relationship to sexuality :/
Me too… such a missing piece of my self knowledge. I tended not to focus on teasing apart my own needs as a human until late in life. I didn’t think my needs mattered. Not really. Only in relation to my work for others. My real needs that is. Not talking about simple pleasures. Those are easy, I mean deep human stuff. Thanks so much for this ❤️🔥🙏🏻
Anna, I appreciate your sticking up for the kids. Now is the time for Dad to pay attention to them! Otherwise he's just repeating his own unhappy history. The song, Cat's in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin, is all about this.
I had never even heard of "Limerence" before and I've never been in a relationship, but it genuinely sounds like every crush I've ever had in my life. It's affected me so much that I don't even know if II believe that love isn't just an illusion. I find myself doing everything in my power to NOT fall in love. If I ever see someone that I might be attracted to, I shut it down as fast as possible because I'm so terrified I'll get consumed by it again. It sucks, but at least I have a name for it now I guess.
Anna, you are such a blessing! I wish I had heard the term 'limerence' sooner. I think that's what the major non-relationship I've been in for nearly 25 years is. I'm just commenting for Jim and every other person that is dealing with limerence. Unless you seriously want to risk ending up alone at the end of their life, RUN AWAY from unavailable people and don't look back. I wish you all the best! Thank you again Anna.
I respect this letter writer for coming out and showing us that this experience can happen to anyone... I'm 24 and female and it's only through that scope I have known intense limerence. But seeing it from other types of people helps me feel less alone and less of a stereotype or a joke. Lots of stigma around this stuff :(
Agreed. 31 year old female here. Honestly, I had no idea there was a word for this and I'm having a bit of an aha moment lol. I've never liked this trait in myself, and I never, ever talked about it because I feel like it makes me sound "desperate," "clingy," a lot of unflattering sexist tropes. I really appreciated hearing about it from a male perspective, because it just reinforced that it's got nothing to do with gender, or age either.
Our journeys are all different but I actually feel the exact opposite. I never felt alone, I assumed everyone loves like this and theres something wrong with me cause I could never be with my object of limerence. That the problem was I needed to improve my pickup lines or my job or I wasnt attractive enough or whatever to impress this girl or that. Now I see I'm actually not normal and it's much more like an addiction. I have a problem and that problem can be traced back to parents who truly never gave a damn. I guess in a way it's very helpful to know others suffer like this but I didnt even know I was suffering. I just thought I was unlucky.
Watching these just to reflect in how lost I used to be. Since breaking free from that scam called “romance” I feel so free and at peace. Reality is so much better, even if that means staying alone. The letter reflects my own childhood to the T
This video has hit me at the right time. I am 40 yrs old and in a very similar situation as Jim. I have two boys and recently broke it off with a 4 year limerent situationship. I thought about volunteering to occupy my time but now im going to refocus on my children. Thank you Anna! I hope to date soon again once my boys are older.
Great video. Thanks to this man being transparent. I hope he takes your advice. I'm also 41, divorced and trying to get into dating. A man like this would have red flags for me because he doesn't know how to balance his time. He also doesn't prioritize the children and they are going to need MORE attention because of the divorce. It's difficult for everyone. The time balance is the hardest thing I've tackled in adulthood. You can't jam a woman into your life for the few free minutes in the day you have. That's not loving. Also, as a hetero sounding man, he didn't even ask for a date. It gives weird vibes of someone who doesn't know what he wants. That's gonna be scary for a young woman to walk into and is seeing that your romantic relationships ended and you have kids. Where is any room for her life and family to fit in? Do you want to be remarried? It just seems like he feels lonely and there's kids involved. Messing with women in their child bearing years is serious. Are you trying to expand your family and how is that going to work out for the kids and your finances?
I fully agree with you. He doesn't have anything to give to a relationship with a woman. If I met him and he was interested in me I would like he has bad intentions and I would run. He doesn't want a relationship. He wants all the benefits of having access to a woman
Limerence is an extremely powerful form of separation anxiety. I've been fighting limerence withdrawal since early December and its an excruciating experience. I couldn't shed my attachment to my uncle who I was forced to abandon by my own family because he got into drugs and as a result I used my friend as a surrogate for him. Once I realized I couldn't stop thinking about him and I did some google searching I found out what limerence was. Who knew emotional attachment could lead to addiction!
God I hate this story. I come back to it a lot and I have such a hard time feeling bad for this guy who is so obviously neglecting his own kids to stalk this girl he met for one week. I mean it's just really hard for me. These poor kids are going to have the same issues and he could do something about it. Instead he wants to volunteer. God. Im sorry. But im soooo happy you called him out.
I've had a longterm limerence "situation". Over a decade. As painful as it has been, I think it was healing as well. In a way, feeling a spark towards him allowed me to see that there was absolutely no spark with my emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex. It allowed me to realize I was capable of still feeling a spark at all. Feeling "gaga" over this man kept me from getting into an actual romantic relationship with anyone else at a time when I needed to be alone, to focus on getting away from the monster I married and share kids with. My leaving was about me- not about pursuing another relationship- as it needed to be. Had I met an available man, who wanted an actual loving relationship with me, I'm afraid a lot of the progress I have made would not have happened. He was a crutch for me- and while part of me thinks that is horrible of me to use another person like that (especially after being on the receiving end of drunk messages from a person I hadn't spoken to in maybe 20 years asking why I never gave him a chance), I am just very grateful to him for being (unknowingly) such a catalyst for me.
Limerence fits everything I feel about my "crush" of four years, and it really sucks. Even now knowing it's limerence and not a healthy crush I find myself still fantasizing her liking me back. It really hurts and is so confusing. A feeling so strong but a truth even stronger.
I’m not sure what I want though. There are men who have been interested in me but I only see to want, be drawn to the ones who don’t. I’m very self conscious of my body and can’t imagine being with anyone. Limerence and fantasy are safe for me.
A 41 year old divorcee with two kids with a history of emotional unavailable, with a list of fail relationships that sounds like a workaholic, is not a good choice for any woman, let alone a 28 year old woman. He needs to focus on getting better emotionally, being available physically, so he can show up for someone to be in a relationship.
His main focus should be on mending not seeking out young women who might feel they have to nurse him back to feeling ok and fill the void from his emotionally distant parents. Also him being out of the home that much sadly sounds like he is repeating what he grew up hurting from, having to run a household and at all times have either of his kids in the home would mean he is missing out on how to guide his own kids emotionally. It’s so interesting yet sad how people know what hurt them during their upbringing but somehow end up repeating it with their own kids, as if they have some need to do it themselves to understand how the parent might have reasoned for doing it to them. Either way, it’s getting old with older men seeking out young women (who in turn often come from broken homes of some sort with neglectful fathers), and expect themto fix them and care for their emotional needs. Can’t it just be that the co-worker was nice and then stay with that instead of seeking out more and express disappointment and to say they acted like they wanted more. It’s such an age old fantasy that women always dream of mending men’s emotional state. I know I’m not alone in having older men hit on me (as a girl) in my teens and also as a young woman during my 20s, what do they truly think will come out of it in a healthy way when they literally are 15-35 years older?!
This woman is awesome. The first words I needed to know for recovery was Stockholm syndrome, codependency, narcissistic abuse, and now I know the word LIMERANCE!
That sounds very much like myself, but I lost my wife to cancer 10 years ago and we never had kids. I since went through a limerence fantasy over the last few years. Pretending to be a friend when I was really in love with her because you’re afraid of rejection. Quite the realization. Thanks Anna.
I recently went through this same thing. I had no idea it was called until about a couple months ago. My crush and I had an almost immediate connection. We to met by volunteering together. I most certainly have childhood CPSD. My mother is an emotionally unavailable borderline/narcissistic alcoholic. Many times I felt more like the parent and her caretaker. Also ironically compared to this gentleman’s story, I feel a strong calling to mentor and help teens. So long story short…. I would obsess about my friend. He would flirt with me, we would connect, then he’d flake out. This went on for three years. I was believing things like “he’s my twin flame, we’re soul mates” “I just need to hang on and he’ll come around” “I’ll keep sending him love and eventually he will get the courage to love me back.” I truly felt he would be perfect for me and that we needed more time. One day I took my teenage sons with me to an event that my crush was also at. They knew I was interested in him. They matter of fact said to me, that could not see what I saw in him and he acts like a jerk. It opened my eyes a bit but I still couldn’t let go. I finally texted him one day and asked directly if he would be interested in a real relationship with me because it seemed to me that he was. He said friendship was all he wanted. I took no for no. It hurt but I just knew it was the sign I needed. It was brought to my attention that maybe this chasing and pursuing him was like me trying to win my mothers approval. He and my mother have a lot of similarities. I opened my heart back up to love and started dating. A month later I met a wonderful man that I love dearly. It’s exactly like your advice. My boyfriend I have is the right one because he is emotionally available and really wants me. He’s more than I could’ve imagined . We’ve been together almost a year. I still have contact with the crush. It’s been awkward. He was surprised that I started dating and had a relationship. One time he even admitted how much he loved me. Now looking back I can see how it was limerence. I also can see how this was a pattern with several crushes I had. A few I actually ended up dating but would self sabotage the relationship. Thank you so much for these videos! My heart goes out to all other survivors. There is hope I promise! Keep healing and doing the work. We’re all worth it! I also want to add that after I started having another relationship, looking back, it felt like maybe my friend/crush was just leading me on and using for my adoration. Like an ego boost. He would make really strange comments trying to get my attention. (We still volunteer for the same organization)
I had a similar experience! I think I was a bit limerent for a man, and he knew that I was interested. He didn’t like me back the same way, but he still flirted with me. I think he just enjoyed the attention.
Dear Anna, could you do a video on what it means to be emotionally unavailable? How does one know if one is emotionally unavailable? Are there some common signs and symptoms? Something similar to the videos where you share symptoms of cptsd. Thank you Anna.
Slam? In love, nope, capable of love, yes. In love is self serving, it is a feeling. Love is an act. It is an extension of self for the growth and well being of another.
It is such a gift to hear and see how others have struggled with limerence too. It took years of my life, it would swallow me whole until there was no self left and I didn’t know what it was or understand how to help myself. When you go through so much pain though and that is your way of coping well, it served a purpose in getting you through something, but it’s good to learn, seek therapy, do trauma work and watch these videos and come out the other side. To learn that there was such a gaping void where your self should have been, where the love and acknowledgment of your self should have been from your parents. But you can heal that void within by coming back to yourself and learning to see and love yourself instead of projecting all that love out towards a fantasy/person.
Jim is so lost in the fantasy he is not present for the reality. He is not emotionally available for his kids, but he is also not emotionally available for himself. Now it is easy for me to comment on Jim's situation, but today I realised I have been doing similar. I have been aware for a while that I have not been emotionally available to other people because I don't want to get hurt again and/or overwhelmed yet again ( which also hurts). Today it dawned on me that I wasn't really emotionally available for myself as I have been trying to push away or ignore my feelings for a variety of reasons and crap fit situations. I have been dropping my life by the side then running to help and rescue other people's. It was what I did for my Mother ( and this is really hard to write because of the sense and guilt that I am betraying her) but she wasn't emotionally there for me. Even when she knew that I was having mental health issues. She offered to come if I wanted her to...I have know other people's Mother's drop everything and try to get to them asap when they have been struggling.
I’m so glad I found your channel. I was starting to think that I’m crazy. Spent almost 5 years in limerence friendship with a very trauma-operated guy even though I knew it was bad for me and everyone tried to warn me. 9 months ago I went on vacation with that person and haven’t heard from him since. I’m proud of myself for not making contact but the sudden disconnect triggered more questions, memories and thinking of him has been painful. I’m getting better at thinking about him less and less every day because I know that I deserve so much better
I had an aversion to clicking on this because I knew how much I would relate. Besides a few things, most of it was so eerily similar. This entire talk was painful, but I needed it to help come to terms with my own limerence. Thank you so much!
I recall seeing a video with the word limerence on my youtube homepage. Happened to be going through a tough time. I didn't know what the word meant, but had a strong feeling it was about all the "in-love" episodes I went through younger. Like you, I didn't want to click on the video, because for me I knew I'd be sucked into the topic and a lot would happen. My nervous system was tired. Well, I clicked on it anyway and the rest was ongoing history.
I got this one out of the way at 19 ...got friend zoned hard ...never made it clear my intentions. From that point on I had a personal three strike rule. I ask to get together three times. First time ...no problem ...we are all busy ...second rejection ...okey dokey might not be asking again. Usually I don't ask after the second time but the one thing I've learned is you have to ask for what you want ...worse that happens is you get shot down and move along.
It's great to see such extensive and compassionate coverage of such an important and misunderstood issue. This situation is far more than a crush. Jim's tragic experience is regrettably relatable. The messages petering out..& while you knew that was possible if not likely, you would do anything to maintain the sense of a connection. This topic was covered on radio, about ten years ago. A talkback caller said, "there's nothing better than someone who actually loves you back." i.e. don't waste your time and energy in unrequited love. But it's easier said than done. Secure, healthy connections of all kinds are vital, as is honesty with yourself and the other person. Limerence often occurs where there is not enough of such connection. But we must not let disappointments tempt us to retreat into fantasy. This video shows how strongly and emotionally a person can invest in a fantasy - with harrowing consequences of frustration, shame and volatility. It shows how important social and relationship connections are in life - we should not take them for granted.
I did two years at Celebrate Recovery and the Lord provided me with a sponsor mother- who changed my life. Working through the steps and coming clean before others in a relatively safe and confidential space, helped me more than I can say to break the spell of limerence. I know I have a tendency to want to hide in a comfort zone when stressed, and I keep clean daily through prayer and some relationships now with people who know me. I am much more quick to confront myself, to recognize lies and to self-correct. Still working on it- but now it’s much better in my head, and I am healing. Now that Covid is in our rear view mirror- I highly recommend a Celebrate Recovery support group near you!
I had a best friend who one day turned out to have been in love with me for almost a year. I found that out more by accident. everyone thought it was kinda totally romantic and kinda cute and felt sympathy for him. for me it was a huge breach of trust, this secrecy and I ended the friendship even though it had been going on since childhood.
I had a healthy childhood with good parents and still struggled with limerance/infatuation fantasy issues my entire adult life. I tried many avenues and could not find a reasonable sort of partner; so the fantasies of who men could be became the placeholders. Sometimes I have made incredibly strange actions in response to the placeholder. I think it has more to do with there truly not being that many men out there that who are single, are not addicts, want long-term relationships, etc. People in the love industry working to sell a dream may disagree with me, but they have also not been on the hundreds of dates I have in my life and had the conversations I have with men both single and married. I have met lots of delightful married men who have similar values but the single ones that exhibit them are just rare and then they have to find you attractive to be with them. I don't know a woman alive who would not escape into delusion up against bad odds...whether she was abused as a child or not.
From my perspective I think the balanced stable men aren't necessarily out there seeking partners through deliberate and intentional dating like via apps or websites. You have to meet someone naturally and become friends first to meet normal people I think...
@@MellowJelly I am 38 and really outgoing so have dated in a lot of ways. I've met men in many places had all kinds of relationships with men...including healthy friendships with single and married men. I wasn't necessarily talking about online dating. Online dating was pretty awful though...
I hear you. I'm late 30s, twice divorced both abusive marriages and the last was a very sociopathic narcissist who spent 5 years trying to destroy me via smearing my reputation and trying to take full custody of our children. First was clouded by my mothers sudden shocking death a few days before the wedding and me having to nurse my depressed father for over a year etc. The second just grew to despise me as my career soared and his stalled. Ive been dating on and off for a few years but have quit all dating for the last year. Ive no intention of going back. My honest opinion is that men post 25 years of age, who are both physically attractive to the majority of people (not movie stars, models or Instagram influencer type people) & have the right psychological make up to be devoted, reciprocal partners to a single woman, are less than 1%. More like looking for neutrons in a haystack without any sort of microscope than needles!. Dating apps are statistically the worst places for vulnerable people as modern dating enables highly narcissistic people to run through other people like products on a supermarket checkout without a glance back. Modern themes in dating of ghosting, gaslighting, future faking, manipulating to get sex and then discarding and ghosting is fundamentally frequent and very common. Women who online date and haven't encountered this are either lying or lying to themselves. I too maintain many platonic relationships for 20 plus years with male friends at work, both single and married and you hear what their frustrations are but from the perspective of basically kind and devoted partners (to their partners). Its so tempting to believe that someone really truly wants to get to know you and likes you, when they are complimenting you etc but you always eventually find out they aren't really invested in you as they have so many others they are juggling and you mean nothing to them except a masturbatory release etc. Men will call you hot or pretty to your face all day long but truly are just playing a game for one time sex in order to discard you immediately thereafter. Its impossible to trust men on this medium for me. So many men these days are rotating several women at a time and not telling anyone. The romantic fantasy of someone who likes you as much as you like them and is a kind and decent person with mutual interests and truly desires to reciprocate your love, is for me, higher odds than winning an international lottery. I've come to accept i will never have that romantic secure love but I focus on love on my friends, children and pets. The good thing is the longer I am single, the clearer I am able to articulate what reciprocal love might be or look like instead of constantly twisting myself in knots wondering when I'm going to be discarded. I hope you find your peace 🙏
Limerence is a blessing in disguise. Romance actualized or not is always in the most important ways falling in love with yourself. To appreciate and know yourself is good. To be delusional, drunk on hope as it were and straying from the path of reason are REALLY BAD. Life should be dictated by reason, logic and self control. Self control entails recognizing how your, "feelings", have the potential to contaminate your reasoning and perception. There's a simple solution here. Recognize when when you are doing this. If you're perceptions fall into a confirmation bias or an echo chamber or sorts, essentially anything that feeds hope, acknowledge it. Put it in it's place. Ultimately you must be the Master of your own reality. As humans we struggle with an unhealthy relationship to the intellectual function that is Belief (mentally the bended knee) and the direction of this isn't static. If you think about it even a skeptics state of disbelief rest comfortably on a foundation of knowledge and to some degree belief (unless you know everything). The CNS doesn't like missing data. It could be Phantom limbs, scarred retinas, our own noses, religion, cognitive dissonance, philosophy OR THIS. One should stay vigilant against the threat that their, "feelings", possess at all times. I think that the saying, "check yourself before you wreck yourself", applies here.
Thank you for this video, Team CCF! I have had a lack of satisfying relationships my entire life. I have never felt loved by the people I wanted to be with romantically, and turned off by people that actually showed some signs they cared and were interested (sigh, lol). There were certainly times I was into people that were maybe not-so- nice, but I knew that it wasn't like I was going through life doing everything right and everyone I liked were just jerks,lol. I knew that I was the only constant in my situation and that it begins and ends with me. I also knew it had to do with my parents and upbringing - because like many people here - I had pretty crummy childhood. But beyond that? I was stumped. And then I started working on myself and finding lots of resources - like this channel. But it is your work specifically, Anna that has helped me to realize the role that I play, and more importantly how to fix it! And your work to educate on the concept of limerance has been life changing! I now realize how something that helped me survive when I was a kid is maladaptive for an adult. More importantly, I have learned that it's not only okay to have feelings - and express them - I know that it's a healthy, ethical thing to do. Thank you, Team CCF! And thank you to this wonderful community! Keep shining, you wonderful diamonds!! :)
I know I'm commenting 2+ years later so I hope Jim is in much happier, healthier place now. I just wanted to say that there are loads of wonderful women out there who would be absolutely interested in a sincere, kind, AVAILABLE man like Jim. Those are the women you go after. I hope you took all the good advice given here and have that fantastic relationship with both your kids and you've now got someone special in your life.
25:00 If he has to say something about liking her, he will re-traumatize himself unless he worked on his rejection wound. Anyone with CPTSD has either a rejection wound ( trauma at age 0 to 1) either an abandonment wound ( age 2-4). Unless this trauma is processed, they are going to relive the wound all life long in different scenarios. Fear to say our feelings and needs are linked to those 2 wounds, unprocessed.
really? i wasnt rejected much as a little kid it wasnt perfect but it was ok but then when i was in high school i was rejected by everyone i got real depressed almost failed high school and family turned on me, i assumed childhood trauma could include teen years
THiS THiS THiS!! i have done this my whole life with friend after friend. i have been working on this within myself the past few years. More of this content please. thank you.
Kids first. Absolutely. I aborted two pregnancies when I was a teen. I loved children. I started babysitting my little sisters when I was ten and took care of them after school starting at 13. I babysat all the neighborhood kids, including infants. I would have been a horrible mother, not because I don't love kids but because I was too traumatized and an alcoholic. I watched my sisters do horrible jobs raising their children; not because they don't love them but because they came from the same dysfunctional family as I and they passed their crap on to their kids; one of my nieces cut her arms and legs and talked about drinking bleach when she was 12. A nephew is obsessed with blood and other disturbing things. Another niece used to throw things at her teachers, and I didn't get to know one of my nephews, I was only around when he was small. He was a lot like me; extremely sensitive, exuberant, and a little shy. My sister (married to a macho man) used to whack him on the head--loudly enough to hear--in order to "toughen him up." And I am the only one that sees it because I got OUT. They all believe that they are the best parents in the world (and that I have no idea how to raise kids so I need to butt out) because they tell each other so. They don't listen to their children and at least one of them is in therapy. Emotionally messed up parents tend to blame any mess on the kids; they avoid their own mistakes and convince the kids that they're crazy. That's how the cycle repeats. I stuck around as long as I could to help the children deal with life and their messed up parents, but when the youngest turned 13 I realized that her life questions were now above my pay grade: I was 12 or 13 years old when my mother began calling ME crazy. I had no idea how to make friends or how to love properly. I had no place advising anyone else. Now, at 61, I am well adjusted, relatively happy, and would love to spend time with children. But no one trusts me with them, after all - I never had any of my own and I don't have any certification or degree, which is what people trust. They've forgotten the skill of talking--much less listening--to another human being; of looking them in the eye and knowing what kind of person they are. Disconnection has happened on a societal level, I'm afraid.
24:53 - shame from childhood for having feelings 25:10 - the right thing to do if you want a relationship with someone is to express it to them 25:29 - honestly show up with your feelings of being interested in somebody (by not fearing reality and rejection, not taking rejection personally by taking responsibility of defining your own worth as opposed to letting others' feelings define your worth)
I've done these many times over the years. I know it could work for some, and awesome 👍 if so. But it will not work for me. Life have shown me that some times you should just stop trying. If something turns up, wonderful. If not, live with this and just keep going. Holding still won't help you move forward.
Great insight and counsel. Not once did he ever, in any way, express romantic interest in her; there you go. He was married twice and reports never connecting with his partners, nor apologizing to them (not that they didn’t have their faults). He reported loving his job THEN reported loving his kids 🧐. Here’s the thing; even if you sense their attraction for you and they make the initial romantic gesture, you have set the precedence for the relationship and that is that they must forever constantly initiate romantic gestures in the relationship with you or do completely without.
His story sounds similar to my unemotionally available parents. When the video was ending, an event popped into my head when I was about 18 y.o. When I reflect on all the limerence situations, I realize now I was unconsciously seeking emotional validation. Wow, something just now hit me...
Jim' story is MY STORY! The differences are I am a middle child of 3 and my older and younger siblings were both troubled. But I also had to be a co parent for my mom and also help her raise my older siblings first 3 children. I ,too, put pressure on myself to be the perfect, academically excellent, responsible, dependable one "not to Streisand out Mom". I also had to be my mom's emotional parent and care taker (I believe she suffers with hypochondriasis and Muchausen Syndrome).
I don't think I even realized this is 💯 how I operated even when I was in a relationship. It's been 13 years without a relationship, over those years it's been better. I would say I'm just now understanding these things, videos like these help.
He never took any mature action towards creating relationship. That says to me he is purposely but unconsciously setting up a situation to fail. His unconscious knows he cannot become emotionally vulnerable to her. He needs a lot more healing.
Wow I love this! I think I was always obsessed with the idea of a relationship but was always feeling too much too soon. I have taken a break from relationships to truly heal and I think I put my limiremce into spending now and it’s yet another piece to the puzzle that fits me
It's all authentic, some patterns are just unhelpful coping (patterns how we protected ourselves with ptsd) and some is healthy coping (long term reward and healing)
I have always known limerence without understanding there was a word for it! I juste knew it was and felt like a Real handicap to live a life in the reality... Thank you so much for again putting words on what I have always known but never understood! Peace & much Love
I dont know if anyone else posted this but that book no more mr nice guy is available right here in UA-cam. I just finished listening to it and its right on point. I however feel bad about who I've been and still can be at times. I'm a work in progress and I work hard along with therapy and good information like that, seeing the truth is a bitter pill to swallow but there's no turning back once you become aware.
I dont know what limerance is. What Anna said is right yes. As we heal things change, and a lot. CPTSD robs us of so many good experiences and moments unfortunately. It gets us hostage in our own body & mind, but things can change. I had the flashes about the kids yes, starting to connect with them more and more. They are important and as you connect with them, also you connect with your inner child, and thd IC with them too, this means healing and giving yourself that childhood that i feel you're missing. As you teach kids to regulate and love themselves, you're teaching & practising yourself too. The right woman will see that too, she will meet you in the right place you know. I'm sorry that you felt rejected. That hurts... I'm saying this not to hurt: the way to heal things is through them, by feeling them. What happens a lot to us as adults, and i feel it in this particular situation is spot on, is that some hurtful or negative experiences will come and push things to the surface and it gets to start healing from there. It is then when things start changing, you let the light in through that experience. It's hard yes (no one wants to feel rejection), but now get to love yourself through that. It's just sad that we get so limited by our own trauma, a way too much sometimes and it's not our fault
Jim's story is similar to mine even though I'm a 60+ woman- experienced a similar situation and ending- the guy suddenly got married! It was a terrible shock. This was over a year ago but I'd spent way too long fantasizing and waiting I longed to tell him, how I felt, which would have cut the time wasted, but I was too scared. I watched both the short videos you suggested and they too were very helpful. I've had a couple of instances of limerence - besides them though, have had absolutely no interest shown in me at all. That's really a bummer. Thanks, Anna, for telling things the way they are. Paige's comment also hit the nail on the head.
I love your thoughts - that you make an effort to peel back the layers in human behaviour and shine light on the way we behave. It makes me rethink my actions. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear all of that. Im newly sober and realizing I had much more of a relationship with the men I was sleeping with in my head than in real life because of exactly this. And I used to convince myself I was ok with it and wanted something casual too when I never really did. Growth is hard. 🙄
I might be in love with someone, I don’t have fantasies about “us”, and I decide to wait until this feeling pass away. I’m terrified of the idea of being in a relationship with someone because I believe that having relationship would be a distraction and hindering my healing process. However, after watching some of your videos, I start to doubt this belief cuz I draw conclusion based on my past experiences, and a healthy relationship might actually be uplifting, supportive, and encouraging for all participants. Maybe it’s time for me to regulate myself, keep triggers under control, open up to people again, gain some social mobility, and get ready for relationship. Thank you for sharing your experiences!
These videos on limerance are hitting home for me. Thing is, my childhood wasn't 'bad' as such. When I look at my parents now as an adult I see how emotionally distant my dad is, and my mum avoids conflict and deflects with humor. They both had trauma in their childhoods. Is that enough to 'F' me up?!!
Not all men. But from what I’ve heard and seen from my guy friends into younger mates - younger people are better trophies, they’re less complicated (less opinions, life experience, relationship experience), have more active sex lives and often times help them hold onto their own fading youth or give them the sense of such. The guys in my circle who do this are usually not the most mature of our group. Usually they’re successful but stunted in their personal growth. They don’t know how to maintain relationships and haven’t had a lot of successful ones, they always feel they need to best or do better than their exes, they compete with their guy friends and usually make poor long term partners due to selfishness, fickleness, are emotionally unavailable, never vulnerable and would rather leave than work anything out. As someone in their mid-30s surrounded by these men, I rather continue panning for the one gold nugget than run with the bulls, even though some of them show interest. Don’t stress about these guys - they’re totally not worth it.
THANK YOU, Anna! I have been watching your videos for the last 2 weeks. And I can honestly say you have helped me get more accurate perspectives, by FAR, than any other resource. And I've been STRIVING to get those more accurate perspectives by reading books written by licensed clinical psychologists for the LAST 20 YEARS!
Absolutely!!! I am thinking the same! I’ve spent my life in therapy and self help and nothing has smashed home more than Anna. It’s embarrassing to think about how I can clearly see now how I have behaved. Not my fault, but now it’s my responsibility to get down to earth. I owe a major amends to my grown kids who watched their mom cycle through one failed relationship after another. The shame I feel is overwhelming right now.
Yes, in AlAnon, when someone is hitting on a newcomer especially (less than a year or two in the program), that's called 13 stepping. Have seen it really mess someone's trust level up. I agree - developing friendships and family relationships is first. Now in AA, I've heard that the AAs tell a newcomer to first see if they can keep a plant alive, then a pet for a couple of years. Girl meets boy on AA campus is a recipe for disaster unless both have longterm successful programs.
That phrase - “If love came along that will fix us”. That very suspicious cliché IMHO. All media and religions bombard with that messages - all you need is love, everything will be all right if a love around and many other slogans and catchphrases love, love, love on every corner. But what we see in realty? Where the love and what it is behaviorally? So many words but where the actions? People size you and measure you like on the market, interview you like on job interview or like on police interrogation - nitpick this not okay that not okay, what your opinion on that or this and bla bla bla, or meet some who dare to claim that somehow love me without even knowing me or being my friend and not even trying to be my friend. People who say that love me but try to shape me in some box make from something different - so they do not love me, they want from me not being me but someone else. So many I do not know ploys, tease, hook you and play games, push - pull, shenanigans, cat and mouse games, jumping through hoops to prove something etc. in that area I just do not know already kind of allergic to that word love it seems lost its meaning and exist more now in realm of Marketing, PR, and pop culture and even politics. Why no one say you need being true friends, have a deep connection and understanding, spend quality time, mutually invested in one another, two way street relationships - nothing of that just slap on top word love and that it - now jump through hoops.
I just realized that not only do I not know how to be emotionally available, I don't know what it looks like. I get super sad watching these. I'm learning a lot about why I act or respond to people and situations however I don't know if I can change at this point. I'm 61 and struggle to show up for myself let alone someone else. :(
I was thinking the same thing. I'm 54. I'm friendly, outgoing, considerate, but it's the "closer to home" stuff that worries me. I'm a decent person as long as a certain amount of distance is maintained. I don't know if I'm capable of letting anyone in anymore. Or, if I ever WAS capable. In my younger years it was easy to pass infatuation off as "love" and to think I was connected. I need to think about this and the limerence thing. I'd only heard of it just recently.
There is a guy I see at the skatepark sometimes. I have been crushing on him since I saw him and anytime he is there when I’m skating I can’t seem to do anything but think about him and what he’s thinking of me. When I don’t see him for a while I look around for him. I know the time of day he is most likely to be at the park, and roughly how long he will stay. I never speak to him even though I am friendly with some of his friends. Yesterday, I was hanging out for a few minutes with said friends when he arrived all of the sudden and I instantly froze up. I don’t even know his name. I get upset and embarrassed every time I leave the park not saying a word.
Limerence. I have a problem with Limerence. What a bunker-busting, liberating discovery! I recently joined an online support group, and a member referred me to your channel. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy!!
Agreed - his kids need him now more than ever, maybe, and this might be the last window to form real, deep bonds with them before they get into their teens and ”don’t need parents”. I mean, it’s never too late to be there for your kids, but now might be easier than 5-10 years from now. And certainly better for their balanced growth. I feel for Jim, it’s terrible when you can’t even say what you need... Just realizing how much that’s crippled me. Strength to all🖤🐺
Exactly my childhood to a T except my father left when i was 6 and it was my narcissist mother who worked from 6 am to 9am everyday for 6 days. I had to raise my baby sister of 2 years old. I had to clean, cook, go shopping, take care of my mother's emotions, had to be careful not to shake the boat with my emotions. Limerance is or was something i had experienced for decades. Now that I'm healing i can stop myself from fantasy stories.
I used to pour extra love specifically into people who didn't seem to love their selves enough to show up in return, or who behaved so difficultly that it harmed me, all so that i could feel the exhilaration of putting up with it, washed down with the reassurance that nothing could ever hurt me beyond my capacity to maintain my sanity and self control depsite it, as long as I was so dedicatedly hypertolerant. I finally had to start caring about myself enough to shut out everyone whom I didn't actually trust to show up for me in return & to at least do their best to be honest and so forth, which meant staying in touch with almost no one. But the addiction to reaching out in my mind for someone to emotionally romanticise (in a sense) *because* they would then make me feel abandoned did not go away. .... So i had to learn to micromanage what music I listenned to and, finally, shut down my inner rewars system altogether, to a point where I was basically purposefully depressing myself by refusing to go with any motivating emotion because of the things about it that might be betraying either my wellbeing or my integrity. .... There, in that dark and empty land without lies, I had to reassemble myself by discerningly choosing purposeful connection & learning to cope with & be thankful for my interactions with people and things in life that were not on that level of integrity but were the best nourishment that I could find. It's a long story, but all of this summary to say that this limerence(sp?) drug & the codependency addiction with which we scramble for it is no joke!.... Hang in there, Jim.
Hey Anna, I know you have some videos about things like coworkers and customer service, but as you're an entrepeneur--I'm wondering if you could do a series on being a business owner and managing CPTSD? I find I get triggered a lot with fussy clients, especially when their feedback sends me into an emotional flashback. It's also been difficult around money conversations. While I'm entering my second year as a very successful freelance writer--tips on this would be especially helpful. I'm sure I'm not the only one!
@Autumn_Jade you're definitely NOT the only one. Letters have come in around this and Anna is considering a special course to address this topic. Stay tuned :) -Cara@TeamFairy
Are we madly in love, or so starved for human kindness we cling onto anyone that vaguely resembles someone we feel soothed by?
I felt that
Well said
Yes this 😔
The level I felt this on 🥲
Oh, wow.
The pain you feel when you lose the fantasy is like withdrawal from a drug. When the process of detox is ended and the poison is out of your system you can finally start making true connections.
So true!
-Cara@TeamFairy
wow great awareness! it's the greif and detox I feel
Well put
Brilliant comment. Just being away from her for a few days lessens the affects of limerence.
Amen - I’m on Day 3 🥹❤️🙏
“Only a CPTSD kid can go on that long not realizing that they’re not getting something back.”
That one hit deep.
Haha I commented the same thing :) I had to pause the video at that sentence because it's just so simple and true.
@@pizzakrydder2515 Same 😥
Bruh
That not getting something back? It also struck me to have something to do with codependence for me. I can get in "other-ated" mode. I put the focus on the outside, go into a fix it or care taking mode, and don't view my own experience (or the experience of others) clearly.
Codependency is not just about putting others first in your own life to the point that their needs take priorities over your own self care. Codependency has to it that layer of trying to exercise a form of control over on in the situation. For me, I was looking for safety on the "outside" because I didn't know how to be my own safe place.
My safety growing up had been in the hands of others that were not safe people for children. As an adult, I kept trying to create environments or situations where I would matter--have value, and be therefore be safe, by placing my value on the outside. I wanted be known (as good, desirable, a contributor) as a form of self protection. By controlling the outside with solutions that I felt would be a fix for others, I felt I would somehow be fixing me...keeping me safe and protecting. Yes, other-ated.
Codependency and CPTSD for me went hand in hand. I got into co-da (codependence anonymous--a 12 Step group--free) online meetings during the pandemic. The things about the pandemic? It gave us all time and space to break from the narrative we called reality to reconsider what we value in life. Everyone I know has decided to give self-care and mental health issues a greater priority in life. Now we can work on taking better care of ourselves...and then, each other.
Kindness to ourselves seems key in all this. It's not kindness to ourselves to put ourselves in a situation where we are getting nothing back or living off crumbs. Those pervasive patterns! But keeping ourselves in constant trying to survive mode isn't true kindness internalize or externalized, in reality. We have survived. Now it's time to learn to heal and to live fully. Grateful for the Fairy and this self help community support.
Right between the eyes!
When I was younger, fantasy kept me safe because a real relationship was too intense for me.
That seems to be what is happening to me now, I'm staying away from real love and living in fantasy as a distraction. But I want to heal and experience real love, I want to stop with the unhealthy obsession. Out of respect for myself and the other person I care about
EXACTLY
Just be careful... I mean maybe mine would have ended badly no matter what but I had someone who was my only crush in high school... now I know I had limerence HARD for him. I waited to act on my feelings because I think it would have been too intense back then.
Years later we reconnected and the attraction was high, on both ends. It was more equal finally than it had been in the past, I was more confident and secure within myself and instead of putting him up on a pedestal like I used to when I had limerence hard... This time it was a simple and secure moving towards another person. 🙂
Long story short he was a completely different person than he used to be... (in a bad way unfortunately ha) he used to be one of the weird art kids like me. It seems to me he’s had some sort of wounding surrounding that part of himself and now he’s almost completely disowned the artist part, instead showing up as very cerebral.
This is the limerence speaking but sometimes I wonder if I had been there for him back then maybe he wouldn’t have severed that part of himself...
I don’t know. Probably not. My self esteem was so low back then I would have been too easy to bend... I would have been crushed by his harshness and with time and my confidence growing I now realize that harshness is just something I am not compatible with. And that’s something he’s always had, haha.
It was just a disaster that never would have happened either way, I guess...
@@tessarae9127Hi Tessa, thank you for sharing your story.
“When I was younger”. I’m married and have been with my husband for over 10 years. I’m sensible and I go by the facts, not fantasy and I am 34 yo now. I’m like 80% healed because I have done the work over the years to get to this headspace. I’m so grateful for my progress. You’ve been through a lot. Big hugs. Wishing you happy healing.
Trueee
“You had to hide your needs and feelings so much that a weird shame comes on you when you have a crush”
Yup.
This hits me so hard
From the very beginning, I've felt that way. I remember faking a stomachache (tbh I might have actually had a psychosomatic stomachache) and cutting my trick-or-treating short because I was so nervous to stop at my crush's house- I was 9 years old
Ditto
You are so courageous, Anna, to call someone out. When a parent is not emotional available, children do not learn how to be emotional available as an adult. Let's break the cycle.
Good post
yep, just realize this yesterday, after i saw intimacy trauma from parent figure....
no wonder im having hard time to be vulnerable, we, child of Narcissist, never been taken care on emotional level
@@Peanuts76 I agree:)). We never learned as kids. We can learn it as adults.
It's more showing a person priorities, goals, structure and what purpose existentially speaking in relation to their life do these relationships belong (?). Everyone changes, grows, sees so much perspective. Healing results in simplicity and regulation to the point it makes no sense after therapy to blame, shame, ego issues to the artist ego to addiction just don't apply anymore.
Better wounds from a friend than kisses from an enemy. Proverbs 27:6
I spent over 20 YEARS in a friendship fantasy. Ironically I knew we'd never be together but somehow I still stayed. Don't be me. I wish I had walked away from day 1.
Curious what you mean by this? You left your relationship and regret staying that long?
Lots of poets do this
'Only a CPTSD kid can go on that long not realizing that they're not getting something back.' That hits home.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Absolutely. Been there myself far too long. Never a dull moment, Anna 😉
I’ve always liked the phrase, since I heard it, “Love in such a way that the other person feels free.” It really helped me realize that it wasn’t all up to me in getting love. I had to learn how to love freely and allow myself to be loved freely. It took a bit, but internalizing this phrase helped take out the anxiety and self protection I had around romance and wanting to be loved. It stopped me from giving in-order to get.
I like that!
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I sent a message to Robert Glover on FB regarding getting on your show. I hope it helps!
I love this idea
Ugh yes, I’ve come to despise the concept of “falling in love”... it just feels like you and the other person are just victims and powerless to your feelings. Real love feels free 💙
@@tessarae9127 I agree! 😀
What I perhaps appreciate most about Anna’s limerence videos is how she emphasizes that healing does not come in shutting down but in opening up. It’s so helpful because my cptsd brain operates like a switch of either being completely lost & drowning in limerence or completely shutting off my heart. The respective extremes have lasted years before the pendulum swings to the other extreme again. Both are equally painful in their own right. Hearing it is okay and in fact healthy to recognize how strongly I can feel for someone and how much that means I desire connection and love helps so much to fight the urge to just run from my heart & all the wounds around it which need to and can, if I don’t run, heal. Thank you Anna
Beautifully written
Opening up to yourself and to the other person too? And what if he only wants to be bestfriends with you but you want more? Being rejected like that is also healing? So what do you do after all those things are being done?.. You walk away to totally heal?
@@jedilady4485 Ahhhhh you described something that happened to me exactly. I wrote him a really personal love letter. It was completely, utterly vulnerable and completely me. We had dated and I had not been able to be myself, we parted, became friends, and I decided I wanted to be honest about how I felt and open up the "real me". He not only said he did not feel the same, he said he wanted to be friends and then completely stopped talking to me basically. I have never been SOOO hurt and so rejected, and I realized why I never opened up the real me and my true heart - because it would hurt so much to be rejected for that. It has taken me months, and brought up so many issues with self-worth and despair and such intense shame. I'm still not 100% over it but mostly I would say. The thing is, it showed me I can survive my greatest fear - the fear of opening up and being shown I am, in fact, not good enough to be loved for who I am by, in my eyes, "someone like him" - but I learned that fear was already always in ME. I broke down the way I did not because he did not feel the same way or want more, but because of an underlying fundamental wound to my self-worth I was looking for someone to confirm or heal by loving me. The whole experience made me realize that my own healing of that wound is what will let me get to know someone truthfully and as myself and not be terrified and mistrustful and trying to please them out of fear of being rejected for my truest self. Because I already survived that and it was okay. And I figure the person I meet when I am in THAT energy of fearlessly being myself and wearing my heart and my truth on my sleeve is the person who is truly meant for me. So the situation that nearly killed me in terms of the depth of self-hate and despair it brought up for me was also a blessing in disguise because now I am free of that fear, and it can no longer control me. Have you seen the movie V for Vendetta? Remember how V put Natalie Portman through that hell and how she is so angry but then stands bald at the end in the rain so free from her fear and realizes the gift of it. That is how it felt. It is still painful, but I guess I just wanted to share this with you to say I think maybe some pain is worth it when its the pain that you already carry in you anyways just coming to light. If they are meant for you or it is the right time, they will be compassionate and grateful to you for opening up and wanting to explore things. If they are not, then it is simply their loss or not the right time. I used to hate when people said that - because the truth was, it was always me getting rejected - so there HAD to be something wrong with me. And now I see it differently and I never thought I would. Much of it has been with Anna's help.
@@sar.c5835 wow thank you for this enlightenment! I had childhood neglect trauma and was jealous of my younger sister! I am in really good best friend terms with her for a long time now and my dad and mom has been really showing me love and support! It's just funny how your trauma still projects in your adult life even if you have forgiven and understood why that happened in the past. Now as an adult, I still get that same situation, met this guy, became really good friends, then he met another girl and chose her to be her gf instead of me. We are back as (best) friends now and didn't want me to leave again. So what I'm trying to figure out now is... What part do I need to heal when I have forgiven my dad and sister and I have nurtured my inner child in my meditations? There is something still there that needs to be healed??!
I never realized there was a word for this daydream relationship. You see it all the time on tv and in movies and it’s heavily romanticized. (Friends’ Ross and Rachel is so iconic) and it makes for good stories but misery irl.
Great example!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That's true. I don't watch dramas much for that reason, but I realise that dramas have to be over the top to attract viewers. I don't watch soap opera s anymore.
Realizing Ross and Rachel are kind of representative of a daydream/limerent relationship because of this comment just made me GASP, incredible example!
Yes. I stuck around in a “situationship” so long pretending I was ok with just being friends. The tough part was realizing this person was not my friend. I truly received nothing but superficial conversations, sporadic visits, and time at his convenience. My emotional needs and sometimes physical were not met. It was not mutually nourishing or reciprocal.
Those men are disgusting
"Come back to your real self and do good things there to make real love possible" is such a beautiful, powerful statement. Thank you so much for this video.
You are so welcome
I feel like Limerence can be in a whole other level if you’re lgbtq because there’s the added barrier of sometimes not knowing if someone is open to same sex relations 😅 plus not wanting the dynamic to change a lot if you bring it up...
Girlllllll yesssss...
Moree so
omg yes. and being trans on top of it....I never know even if someone is the same orientation if they would be attracted to me. its so much easier to live in fantasy
Thanks for bringing that forward.
And the added layer of the trauma of growing up LGBT and being exposed to prejudice… I don’t have cptsd, but I’ve concluded that stigma really crippled my relationship to sexuality :/
Great to see limerence being talked about. I appreciate your work.
Me too… such a missing piece of my self knowledge. I tended not to focus on teasing apart my own needs as a human until late in life. I didn’t think my needs mattered. Not really. Only in relation to my work for others. My real needs that is. Not talking about simple pleasures. Those are easy, I mean deep human stuff. Thanks so much for this ❤️🔥🙏🏻
Anna, I appreciate your sticking up for the kids. Now is the time for Dad to pay attention to them! Otherwise he's just repeating his own unhappy history. The song, Cat's in the Cradle, by Harry Chapin, is all about this.
Love that song!
-Cara@TeamFairy
That wasn't Cat Stevens? 🤔😲
I had never even heard of "Limerence" before and I've never been in a relationship, but it genuinely sounds like every crush I've ever had in my life. It's affected me so much that I don't even know if II believe that love isn't just an illusion. I find myself doing everything in my power to NOT fall in love. If I ever see someone that I might be attracted to, I shut it down as fast as possible because I'm so terrified I'll get consumed by it again. It sucks, but at least I have a name for it now I guess.
Thanks for sharing!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow I shut things off too but I want to stop!
That’s the dangerous thing about limerence: It sounds dangerously close to the romanticized experience of being in love that we are used to hearing.
Anna, you are such a blessing! I wish I had heard the term 'limerence' sooner. I think that's what the major non-relationship I've been in for nearly 25 years is. I'm just commenting for Jim and every other person that is dealing with limerence. Unless you seriously want to risk ending up alone at the end of their life, RUN AWAY from unavailable people and don't look back. I wish you all the best! Thank you again Anna.
Bless you to start clean. It took me a couple of years to realize but better later than never.
I respect this letter writer for coming out and showing us that this experience can happen to anyone... I'm 24 and female and it's only through that scope I have known intense limerence. But seeing it from other types of people helps me feel less alone and less of a stereotype or a joke. Lots of stigma around this stuff :(
Agreed. 31 year old female here. Honestly, I had no idea there was a word for this and I'm having a bit of an aha moment lol. I've never liked this trait in myself, and I never, ever talked about it because I feel like it makes me sound "desperate," "clingy," a lot of unflattering sexist tropes. I really appreciated hearing about it from a male perspective, because it just reinforced that it's got nothing to do with gender, or age either.
Thank you so much for the supportive comment!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Our journeys are all different but I actually feel the exact opposite. I never felt alone, I assumed everyone loves like this and theres something wrong with me cause I could never be with my object of limerence. That the problem was I needed to improve my pickup lines or my job or I wasnt attractive enough or whatever to impress this girl or that. Now I see I'm actually not normal and it's much more like an addiction. I have a problem and that problem can be traced back to parents who truly never gave a damn. I guess in a way it's very helpful to know others suffer like this but I didnt even know I was suffering. I just thought I was unlucky.
Watching these just to reflect in how lost I used to be. Since breaking free from that scam called “romance” I feel so free and at peace. Reality is so much better, even if that means staying alone.
The letter reflects my own childhood to the T
Absolutely!!!! Same here
@@leaf4958 Exactly!!! I only listen to Classical & instrument music ONLY. I am determined to heal.
guess, you guys never go dating....
stop watching romance and find some couple
stop romantice some cartoon figure and meet up new people and ask them for date....
@@Peanuts76hard pass
This video has hit me at the right time. I am 40 yrs old and in a very similar situation as Jim. I have two boys and recently broke it off with a 4 year limerent situationship. I thought about volunteering to occupy my time but now im going to refocus on my children. Thank you Anna! I hope to date soon again once my boys are older.
Great video. Thanks to this man being transparent. I hope he takes your advice. I'm also 41, divorced and trying to get into dating. A man like this would have red flags for me because he doesn't know how to balance his time. He also doesn't prioritize the children and they are going to need MORE attention because of the divorce. It's difficult for everyone. The time balance is the hardest thing I've tackled in adulthood. You can't jam a woman into your life for the few free minutes in the day you have. That's not loving. Also, as a hetero sounding man, he didn't even ask for a date. It gives weird vibes of someone who doesn't know what he wants. That's gonna be scary for a young woman to walk into and is seeing that your romantic relationships ended and you have kids. Where is any room for her life and family to fit in? Do you want to be remarried? It just seems like he feels lonely and there's kids involved. Messing with women in their child bearing years is serious. Are you trying to expand your family and how is that going to work out for the kids and your finances?
Exactly. Any woman would definitely avoid a man with all these red flags, unless she has a lot of big problems herself.
Very good REAL, PRACTICAL considerations!
I fully agree with you. He doesn't have anything to give to a relationship with a woman. If I met him and he was interested in me I would like he has bad intentions and I would run. He doesn't want a relationship. He wants all the benefits of having access to a woman
Wow, his homelife sounds a lot like mine. Growing up taking care of others when care is not what you were given.
Limerence is an extremely powerful form of separation anxiety. I've been fighting limerence withdrawal since early December and its an excruciating experience. I couldn't shed my attachment to my uncle who I was forced to abandon by my own family because he got into drugs and as a result I used my friend as a surrogate for him. Once I realized I couldn't stop thinking about him and I did some google searching I found out what limerence was. Who knew emotional attachment could lead to addiction!
God I hate this story. I come back to it a lot and I have such a hard time feeling bad for this guy who is so obviously neglecting his own kids to stalk this girl he met for one week. I mean it's just really hard for me. These poor kids are going to have the same issues and he could do something about it. Instead he wants to volunteer. God. Im sorry. But im soooo happy you called him out.
I've had a longterm limerence "situation". Over a decade. As painful as it has been, I think it was healing as well.
In a way, feeling a spark towards him allowed me to see that there was absolutely no spark with my emotionally abusive, narcissistic ex. It allowed me to realize I was capable of still feeling a spark at all.
Feeling "gaga" over this man kept me from getting into an actual romantic relationship with anyone else at a time when I needed to be alone, to focus on getting away from the monster I married and share kids with. My leaving was about me- not about pursuing another relationship- as it needed to be. Had I met an available man, who wanted an actual loving relationship with me, I'm afraid a lot of the progress I have made would not have happened.
He was a crutch for me- and while part of me thinks that is horrible of me to use another person like that (especially after being on the receiving end of drunk messages from a person I hadn't spoken to in maybe 20 years asking why I never gave him a chance), I am just very grateful to him for being (unknowingly) such a catalyst for me.
Limerence fits everything I feel about my "crush" of four years, and it really sucks. Even now knowing it's limerence and not a healthy crush I find myself still fantasizing her liking me back. It really hurts and is so confusing. A feeling so strong but a truth even stronger.
Are you still in contact?
I’m not sure what I want though. There are men who have been interested in me but I only see to want, be drawn to the ones who don’t. I’m very self conscious of my body and can’t imagine being with anyone. Limerence and fantasy are safe for me.
It helps so much to hear that people are going through something similar
Thank you for being a part of our community here!
Nika@TeamFairy
A 41 year old divorcee with two kids with a history of emotional unavailable, with a list of fail relationships that sounds like a workaholic, is not a good choice for any woman, let alone a 28 year old woman. He needs to focus on getting better emotionally, being available physically, so he can show up for someone to be in a relationship.
His main focus should be on mending not seeking out young women who might feel they have to nurse him back to feeling ok and fill the void from his emotionally distant parents. Also him being out of the home that much sadly sounds like he is repeating what he grew up hurting from, having to run a household and at all times have either of his kids in the home would mean he is missing out on how to guide his own kids emotionally. It’s so interesting yet sad how people know what hurt them during their upbringing but somehow end up repeating it with their own kids, as if they have some need to do it themselves to understand how the parent might have reasoned for doing it to them. Either way, it’s getting old with older men seeking out young women (who in turn often come from broken homes of some sort with neglectful fathers), and expect themto fix them and care for their emotional needs. Can’t it just be that the co-worker was nice and then stay with that instead of seeking out more and express disappointment and to say they acted like they wanted more. It’s such an age old fantasy that women always dream of mending men’s emotional state. I know I’m not alone in having older men hit on me (as a girl) in my teens and also as a young woman during my 20s, what do they truly think will come out of it in a healthy way when they literally are 15-35 years older?!
@@soilgrasswaterair they don’t think. They are in an emotional reaction or sexual reaction.
Old men are just attracted to young women, I think that's all. They just want and fall in love with youthful women.
Old men are always living in delusion
This woman is awesome. The first words I needed to know for recovery was Stockholm syndrome, codependency, narcissistic abuse, and now I know the word LIMERANCE!
That sounds very much like myself, but I lost my wife to cancer 10 years ago and we never had kids. I since went through a limerence fantasy over the last few years. Pretending to be a friend when I was really in love with her because you’re afraid of rejection. Quite the realization. Thanks Anna.
I recently went through this same thing. I had no idea it was called until about a couple months ago. My crush and I had an almost immediate connection. We to met by volunteering together. I most certainly have childhood CPSD. My mother is an emotionally unavailable borderline/narcissistic alcoholic. Many times I felt more like the parent and her caretaker. Also ironically compared to this gentleman’s story, I feel a strong calling to mentor and help teens.
So long story short…. I would obsess about my friend. He would flirt with me, we would connect, then he’d flake out. This went on for three years. I was believing things like “he’s my twin flame, we’re soul mates” “I just need to hang on and he’ll come around” “I’ll keep sending him love and eventually he will get the courage to love me back.” I truly felt he would be perfect for me and that we needed more time. One day I took my teenage sons with me to an event that my crush was also at. They knew I was interested in him. They matter of fact said to me, that could not see what I saw in him and he acts like a jerk. It opened my eyes a bit but I still couldn’t let go. I finally texted him one day and asked directly if he would be interested in a real relationship with me because it seemed to me that he was. He said friendship was all he wanted.
I took no for no. It hurt but I just knew it was the sign I needed. It was brought to my attention that maybe this chasing and pursuing him was like me trying to win my mothers approval. He and my mother have a lot of similarities.
I opened my heart back up to love and started dating. A month later I met a wonderful man that I love dearly. It’s exactly like your advice. My boyfriend I have is the right one because he is emotionally available and really wants me. He’s more than I could’ve imagined . We’ve been together almost a year. I still have contact with the crush. It’s been awkward. He was surprised that I started dating and had a relationship. One time he even admitted how much he loved me.
Now looking back I can see how it was limerence. I also can see how this was a pattern with several crushes I had. A few I actually ended up dating but would self sabotage the relationship.
Thank you so much for these videos! My heart goes out to all other survivors. There is hope I promise! Keep healing and doing the work. We’re all worth it!
I also want to add that after I started having another relationship, looking back, it felt like maybe my friend/crush was just leading me on and using for my adoration. Like an ego boost. He would make really strange comments trying to get my attention. (We still volunteer for the same organization)
I had a similar experience! I think I was a bit limerent for a man, and he knew that I was interested. He didn’t like me back the same way, but he still flirted with me. I think he just enjoyed the attention.
Dear Anna, could you do a video on what it means to be emotionally unavailable? How does one know if one is emotionally unavailable? Are there some common signs and symptoms? Something similar to the videos where you share symptoms of cptsd. Thank you Anna.
That would be such a great topic! I would suggest also how to build true, real intimacy with someone (as opposed to fantasy)
agree!!
Great idea 💡
I feel the same way. Fantasy is just like escapism ways. My real relationship is so bad, Emotionally unavailable
@@indahmaria1400 I had same thing happen to me . It sucks
Slam? In love, nope, capable of love, yes. In love is self serving, it is a feeling. Love is an act. It is an extension of self for the growth and well being of another.
It is such a gift to hear and see how others have struggled with limerence too. It took years of my life, it would swallow me whole until there was no self left and I didn’t know what it was or understand how to help myself. When you go through so much pain though and that is your way of coping well, it served a purpose in getting you through something, but it’s good to learn, seek therapy, do trauma work and watch these videos and come out the other side. To learn that there was such a gaping void where your self should have been, where the love and acknowledgment of your self should have been from your parents. But you can heal that void within by coming back to yourself and learning to see and love yourself instead of projecting all that love out towards a fantasy/person.
Well said, it’s important to understand that there was a gap hole where affection and love should have been from your parents.
Jim is so lost in the fantasy he is not present for the reality. He is not emotionally available for his kids, but he is also not emotionally available for himself.
Now it is easy for me to comment on Jim's situation, but today I realised I have been doing similar. I have been aware for a while that I have not been emotionally available to other people because I don't want to get hurt again and/or overwhelmed yet again ( which also hurts). Today it dawned on me that I wasn't really emotionally available for myself as I have been trying to push away or ignore my feelings for a variety of reasons and crap fit situations.
I have been dropping my life by the side then running to help and rescue other people's. It was what I did for my Mother ( and this is really hard to write because of the sense and guilt that I am betraying her) but she wasn't emotionally there for me. Even when she knew that I was having mental health issues.
She offered to come if I wanted her to...I have know other people's Mother's drop everything and try to get to them asap when they have been struggling.
I’m so glad I found your channel. I was starting to think that I’m crazy. Spent almost 5 years in limerence friendship with a very trauma-operated guy even though I knew it was bad for me and everyone tried to warn me. 9 months ago I went on vacation with that person and haven’t heard from him since. I’m proud of myself for not making contact but the sudden disconnect triggered more questions, memories and thinking of him has been painful. I’m getting better at thinking about him less and less every day because I know that I deserve so much better
I had an aversion to clicking on this because I knew how much I would relate. Besides a few things, most of it was so eerily similar. This entire talk was painful, but I needed it to help come to terms with my own limerence. Thank you so much!
I recall seeing a video with the word limerence on my youtube homepage. Happened to be going through a tough time. I didn't know what the word meant, but had a strong feeling it was about all the "in-love" episodes I went through younger. Like you, I didn't want to click on the video, because for me I knew I'd be sucked into the topic and a lot would happen. My nervous system was tired. Well, I clicked on it anyway and the rest was ongoing history.
I got this one out of the way at 19 ...got friend zoned hard ...never made it clear my intentions. From that point on I had a personal three strike rule. I ask to get together three times. First time ...no problem ...we are all busy ...second rejection ...okey dokey might not be asking again. Usually I don't ask after the second time but the one thing I've learned is you have to ask for what you want ...worse that happens is you get shot down and move along.
I'm glad you had the self esteem and wherewithal to make that boundary early on. I haven't been so quick but I'm 24 and finally getting it
Me too I'm way past begging anyone for their time and attention buh bye
It's great to see such extensive and compassionate coverage of such an important and misunderstood issue. This situation is far more than a crush.
Jim's tragic experience is regrettably relatable. The messages petering out..& while you knew that was possible if not likely, you would do anything to maintain the sense of a connection.
This topic was covered on radio, about ten years ago. A talkback caller said, "there's nothing better than someone who actually loves you back." i.e. don't waste your time and energy in unrequited love. But it's easier said than done.
Secure, healthy connections of all kinds are vital, as is honesty with yourself and the other person. Limerence often occurs where there is not enough of such connection. But we must not let disappointments tempt us to retreat into fantasy.
This video shows how strongly and emotionally a person can invest in a fantasy - with harrowing consequences of frustration, shame and volatility. It shows how important social and relationship connections are in life - we should not take them for granted.
I did two years at Celebrate Recovery and the Lord provided me with a sponsor mother- who changed my life.
Working through the steps and coming clean before others in a relatively safe and confidential space, helped me more than I can say to break the spell of limerence.
I know I have a tendency to want to hide in a comfort zone when stressed, and I keep clean daily through prayer and some relationships now with people who know me. I am much more quick to
confront myself, to recognize lies and to self-correct.
Still working on it- but now it’s much better in my head, and I am healing.
Now that Covid is in our rear view mirror- I highly recommend a Celebrate Recovery support group near you!
I had a best friend who one day turned out to have been in love with me for almost a year. I found that out more by accident. everyone thought it was kinda totally romantic and kinda cute and felt sympathy for him. for me it was a huge breach of trust, this secrecy and I ended the friendship even though it had been going on since childhood.
Powerful example of how bad the subject of limerence can feel , thank you!
-Cara@TeamFairy
I needed this video. I feel like it is almost entirely for me. I cannot express how much your words helped me to get clarity. Thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
I had a healthy childhood with good parents and still struggled with limerance/infatuation fantasy issues my entire adult life. I tried many avenues and could not find a reasonable sort of partner; so the fantasies of who men could be became the placeholders. Sometimes I have made incredibly strange actions in response to the placeholder. I think it has more to do with there truly not being that many men out there that who are single, are not addicts, want long-term relationships, etc. People in the love industry working to sell a dream may disagree with me, but they have also not been on the hundreds of dates I have in my life and had the conversations I have with men both single and married. I have met lots of delightful married men who have similar values but the single ones that exhibit them are just rare and then they have to find you attractive to be with them. I don't know a woman alive who would not escape into delusion up against bad odds...whether she was abused as a child or not.
Thank you thank you. I feel the exact same way, and you expressed it perfectly. I had no childhood trauma either
From my perspective I think the balanced stable men aren't necessarily out there seeking partners through deliberate and intentional dating like via apps or websites. You have to meet someone naturally and become friends first to meet normal people I think...
@@MellowJelly I am 38 and really outgoing so have dated in a lot of ways. I've met men in many places had all kinds of relationships with men...including healthy friendships with single and married men. I wasn't necessarily talking about online dating. Online dating was pretty awful though...
I hear you. I'm late 30s, twice divorced both abusive marriages and the last was a very sociopathic narcissist who spent 5 years trying to destroy me via smearing my reputation and trying to take full custody of our children. First was clouded by my mothers sudden shocking death a few days before the wedding and me having to nurse my depressed father for over a year etc. The second just grew to despise me as my career soared and his stalled. Ive been dating on and off for a few years but have quit all dating for the last year. Ive no intention of going back.
My honest opinion is that men post 25 years of age, who are both physically attractive to the majority of people (not movie stars, models or Instagram influencer type people) & have the right psychological make up to be devoted, reciprocal partners to a single woman, are less than 1%. More like looking for neutrons in a haystack without any sort of microscope than needles!. Dating apps are statistically the worst places for vulnerable people as modern dating enables highly narcissistic people to run through other people like products on a supermarket checkout without a glance back. Modern themes in dating of ghosting, gaslighting, future faking, manipulating to get sex and then discarding and ghosting is fundamentally frequent and very common. Women who online date and haven't encountered this are either lying or lying to themselves.
I too maintain many platonic relationships for 20 plus years with male friends at work, both single and married and you hear what their frustrations are but from the perspective of basically kind and devoted partners (to their partners).
Its so tempting to believe that someone really truly wants to get to know you and likes you, when they are complimenting you etc but you always eventually find out they aren't really invested in you as they have so many others they are juggling and you mean nothing to them except a masturbatory release etc. Men will call you hot or pretty to your face all day long but truly are just playing a game for one time sex in order to discard you immediately thereafter. Its impossible to trust men on this medium for me.
So many men these days are rotating several women at a time and not telling anyone.
The romantic fantasy of someone who likes you as much as you like them and is a kind and decent person with mutual interests and truly desires to reciprocate your love, is for me, higher odds than winning an international lottery.
I've come to accept i will never have that romantic secure love but I focus on love on my friends, children and pets.
The good thing is the longer I am single, the clearer I am able to articulate what reciprocal love might be or look like instead of constantly twisting myself in knots wondering when I'm going to be discarded.
I hope you find your peace 🙏
Limerence is a blessing in disguise. Romance actualized or not is always in the most important ways falling in love with yourself. To appreciate and know yourself is good. To be delusional, drunk on hope as it were and straying from the path of reason are REALLY BAD. Life should be dictated by reason, logic and self control. Self control entails recognizing how your, "feelings", have the potential to contaminate your reasoning and perception. There's a simple solution here. Recognize when when you are doing this. If you're perceptions fall into a confirmation bias or an echo chamber or sorts, essentially anything that feeds hope, acknowledge it. Put it in it's place. Ultimately you must be the Master of your own reality. As humans we struggle with an unhealthy relationship to the intellectual function that is Belief (mentally the bended knee)
and the direction of this isn't static. If you think about it even a skeptics state of disbelief rest comfortably on a foundation of knowledge and to some degree belief (unless you know everything). The CNS doesn't like missing data. It could be Phantom limbs, scarred retinas, our own noses, religion, cognitive dissonance,
philosophy OR THIS. One should stay vigilant against the threat that their, "feelings", possess at all times.
I think that the saying, "check yourself before you wreck yourself", applies here.
Thank you for this video, Team CCF! I have had a lack of satisfying relationships my entire life. I have never felt loved by the people I wanted to be with romantically, and turned off by people that actually showed some signs they cared and were interested (sigh, lol).
There were certainly times I was into people that were maybe not-so- nice, but I knew that it wasn't like I was going through life doing everything right and everyone I liked were just jerks,lol. I knew that I was the only constant in my situation and that it begins and ends with me. I also knew it had to do with my parents and upbringing - because like many people here - I had pretty crummy childhood. But beyond that? I was stumped.
And then I started working on myself and finding lots of resources - like this channel.
But it is your work specifically, Anna that has helped me to realize the role that I play, and more importantly how to fix it! And your work to educate on the concept of limerance has been life changing! I now realize how something that helped me survive when I was a kid is maladaptive for an adult.
More importantly, I have learned that it's not only okay to have feelings - and express them - I know that it's a healthy, ethical thing to do.
Thank you, Team CCF! And thank you to this wonderful community!
Keep shining, you wonderful diamonds!! :)
Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy
How do I fix it? 😢
52-year-old single mom here, super busy all the time. I felt this a lot.
I know I'm commenting 2+ years later so I hope Jim is in much happier, healthier place now. I just wanted to say that there are loads of wonderful women out there who would be absolutely interested in a sincere, kind, AVAILABLE man like Jim. Those are the women you go after.
I hope you took all the good advice given here and have that fantastic relationship with both your kids and you've now got someone special in your life.
25:00 If he has to say something about liking her, he will re-traumatize himself unless he worked on his rejection wound. Anyone with CPTSD has either a rejection wound ( trauma at age 0 to 1) either an abandonment wound ( age 2-4). Unless this trauma is processed, they are going to relive the wound all life long in different scenarios. Fear to say our feelings and needs are linked to those 2 wounds, unprocessed.
How to process?
really? i wasnt rejected much as a little kid it wasnt perfect but it was ok but then when i was in high school i was rejected by everyone i got real depressed almost failed high school and family turned on me, i assumed childhood trauma could include teen years
I sacrificed the ability to love. Luckily I’m just 22, & I can stop this now.
He calls me “friend”, and I tolerate it. Then I tried the same with someone who was interested in me. It didn’t go well.
THiS THiS THiS!! i have done this my whole life with friend after friend. i have been working on this within myself the past few years. More of this content please. thank you.
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Kids first. Absolutely.
I aborted two pregnancies when I was a teen. I loved children. I started babysitting my little sisters when I was ten and took care of them after school starting at 13. I babysat all the neighborhood kids, including infants. I would have been a horrible mother, not because I don't love kids but because I was too traumatized and an alcoholic. I watched my sisters do horrible jobs raising their children; not because they don't love them but because they came from the same dysfunctional family as I and they passed their crap on to their kids; one of my nieces cut her arms and legs and talked about drinking bleach when she was 12. A nephew is obsessed with blood and other disturbing things. Another niece used to throw things at her teachers, and I didn't get to know one of my nephews, I was only around when he was small. He was a lot like me; extremely sensitive, exuberant, and a little shy. My sister (married to a macho man) used to whack him on the head--loudly enough to hear--in order to "toughen him up."
And I am the only one that sees it because I got OUT. They all believe that they are the best parents in the world (and that I have no idea how to raise kids so I need to butt out) because they tell each other so. They don't listen to their children and at least one of them is in therapy. Emotionally messed up parents tend to blame any mess on the kids; they avoid their own mistakes and convince the kids that they're crazy. That's how the cycle repeats. I stuck around as long as I could to help the children deal with life and their messed up parents, but when the youngest turned 13 I realized that her life questions were now above my pay grade: I was 12 or 13 years old when my mother began calling ME crazy. I had no idea how to make friends or how to love properly. I had no place advising anyone else.
Now, at 61, I am well adjusted, relatively happy, and would love to spend time with children. But no one trusts me with them, after all - I never had any of my own and I don't have any certification or degree, which is what people trust. They've forgotten the skill of talking--much less listening--to another human being; of looking them in the eye and knowing what kind of person they are. Disconnection has happened on a societal level, I'm afraid.
24:53 - shame from childhood for having feelings
25:10 - the right thing to do if you want a relationship with someone is to express it to them
25:29 - honestly show up with your feelings of being interested in somebody (by not fearing reality and rejection, not taking rejection personally by taking responsibility of defining your own worth as opposed to letting others' feelings define your worth)
I've done these many times over the years. I know it could work for some, and awesome 👍 if so. But it will not work for me. Life have shown me that some times you should just stop trying. If something turns up, wonderful. If not, live with this and just keep going. Holding still won't help you move forward.
The timing of these limerence videos are amazing. Thank you.
Glad they are helping, almost all the letters coming in are on this topic.
-Cara@TeamFairy
His boys need to come first or else that 70s song this story reminds me of will become a vicious cycle..
Great insight and counsel.
Not once did he ever, in any way, express romantic interest in her; there you go.
He was married twice and reports never connecting with his partners, nor apologizing to them (not that they didn’t have their faults). He reported loving his job THEN reported loving his kids 🧐.
Here’s the thing; even if you sense their attraction for you and they make the initial romantic gesture, you have set the precedence for the relationship and that is that they must forever constantly initiate romantic gestures in the relationship with you or do completely without.
I do this with celebrities and it hurts so freaking bad.
Fantasy is the only thing that makes me happy right now. I get caught up in those and drift off to sleep.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
His story sounds similar to my unemotionally available parents. When the video was ending, an event popped into my head when I was about 18 y.o. When I reflect on all the limerence situations, I realize now I was unconsciously seeking emotional validation. Wow, something just now hit me...
Glad it helped!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Jim' story is MY STORY! The differences are I am a middle child of 3 and my older and younger siblings were both troubled.
But I also had to be a co parent for my mom and also help her raise my older siblings first 3 children.
I ,too, put pressure on myself to be the perfect, academically excellent, responsible, dependable one "not to Streisand out Mom".
I also had to be my mom's emotional parent and care taker (I believe she suffers with hypochondriasis and Muchausen Syndrome).
I don't think I even realized this is 💯 how I operated even when I was in a relationship. It's been 13 years without a relationship, over those years it's been better. I would say I'm just now understanding these things, videos like these help.
He never took any mature action towards creating relationship. That says to me he is purposely but unconsciously setting up a situation to fail. His unconscious knows he cannot become emotionally vulnerable to her. He needs a lot more healing.
Wow I love this! I think I was always obsessed with the idea of a relationship but was always feeling too much too soon. I have taken a break from relationships to truly heal and I think I put my limiremce into spending now and it’s yet another piece to the puzzle that fits me
Glad you liked it!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Wow! She is good at detecting inauthentic behavior
It's all authentic, some patterns are just unhelpful coping (patterns how we protected ourselves with ptsd) and some is healthy coping (long term reward and healing)
Thanks for watching!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Needed this one. A lot of this was needed. Thanks so much for continuing to share these.
I have always known limerence without understanding there was a word for it! I juste knew it was and felt like a Real handicap to live a life in the reality...
Thank you so much for again putting words on what I have always known but never understood!
Peace & much Love
I resonate with this. I've experienced limerence since early childhood.
This advice from Anna is priceless 🙏
Yes, be yourself, nothing to lose. Also, let the person go and see if they find what they want and if they come back, they will appreciate you more.
16:30 absolutely a developmental delay. CPTSD can do more than delay, it can CRUSH your development period. I just appreciate this call out.
I dont know if anyone else posted this but that book no more mr nice guy is available right here in UA-cam. I just finished listening to it and its right on point. I however feel bad about who I've been and still can be at times. I'm a work in progress and I work hard along with therapy and good information like that, seeing the truth is a bitter pill to swallow but there's no turning back once you become aware.
Thank you for this information!! I will definitely check out the book
I dont know what limerance is. What Anna said is right yes. As we heal things change, and a lot. CPTSD robs us of so many good experiences and moments unfortunately. It gets us hostage in our own body & mind, but things can change. I had the flashes about the kids yes, starting to connect with them more and more. They are important and as you connect with them, also you connect with your inner child, and thd IC with them too, this means healing and giving yourself that childhood that i feel you're missing. As you teach kids to regulate and love themselves, you're teaching & practising yourself too. The right woman will see that too, she will meet you in the right place you know.
I'm sorry that you felt rejected. That hurts... I'm saying this not to hurt: the way to heal things is through them, by feeling them. What happens a lot to us as adults, and i feel it in this particular situation is spot on, is that some hurtful or negative experiences will come and push things to the surface and it gets to start healing from there. It is then when things start changing, you let the light in through that experience. It's hard yes (no one wants to feel rejection), but now get to love yourself through that. It's just sad that we get so limited by our own trauma, a way too much sometimes and it's not our fault
Jim's story is similar to mine even though I'm a 60+ woman- experienced a similar situation and ending- the guy suddenly got married! It was a terrible shock. This was over a year ago but I'd spent way too long fantasizing and waiting I longed to tell him, how I felt, which would have cut the time wasted, but I was too scared. I watched both the short videos you suggested and they too were very helpful. I've had a couple of instances of limerence - besides them though, have had absolutely no interest shown in me at all. That's really a bummer. Thanks, Anna, for telling things the way they are. Paige's comment also hit the nail on the head.
I love your thoughts - that you make an effort to peel back the layers in human behaviour and shine light on the way we behave. It makes me rethink my actions. Thank you!
Thank you so much for this. I really needed to hear all of that. Im newly sober and realizing I had much more of a relationship with the men I was sleeping with in my head than in real life because of exactly this. And I used to convince myself I was ok with it and wanted something casual too when I never really did. Growth is hard. 🙄
It's hard but here you are doing the work :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Anne thanks so much for being real with this guy about needing to make time for his kids.
I might be in love with someone, I don’t have fantasies about “us”, and I decide to wait until this feeling pass away. I’m terrified of the idea of being in a relationship with someone because I believe that having relationship would be a distraction and hindering my healing process.
However, after watching some of your videos, I start to doubt this belief cuz I draw conclusion based on my past experiences, and a healthy relationship might actually be uplifting, supportive, and encouraging for all participants.
Maybe it’s time for me to regulate myself, keep triggers under control, open up to people again, gain some social mobility, and get ready for relationship.
Thank you for sharing your experiences!
Great insight! As a recovering Codependent I have to be mindful of these thought patterns.
Thanks for listening!
-Cara@TeamFairy
They can carry us off like a tidal wave.
I love when we get to hear letters from guys. They don't write in enough.
These videos on limerance are hitting home for me. Thing is, my childhood wasn't 'bad' as such. When I look at my parents now as an adult I see how emotionally distant my dad is, and my mum avoids conflict and deflects with humor. They both had trauma in their childhoods. Is that enough to 'F' me up?!!
Your kids are more important than a volunteer job!
I know this is off topic but why do men always go after younger women 28 and 40 something is a big difference
Because that's how emotionally mature they are.
Not all men. But from what I’ve heard and seen from my guy friends into younger mates - younger people are better trophies, they’re less complicated (less opinions, life experience, relationship experience), have more active sex lives and often times help them hold onto their own fading youth or give them the sense of such.
The guys in my circle who do this are usually not the most mature of our group. Usually they’re successful but stunted in their personal growth. They don’t know how to maintain relationships and haven’t had a lot of successful ones, they always feel they need to best or do better than their exes, they compete with their guy friends and usually make poor long term partners due to selfishness, fickleness, are emotionally unavailable, never vulnerable and would rather leave than work anything out.
As someone in their mid-30s surrounded by these men, I rather continue panning for the one gold nugget than run with the bulls, even though some of them show interest. Don’t stress about these guys - they’re totally not worth it.
THANK YOU, Anna! I have been watching your videos for the last 2 weeks. And I can honestly say you have helped me get more accurate perspectives, by FAR, than any other resource. And I've been STRIVING to get those more accurate perspectives by reading books written by licensed clinical psychologists for the LAST 20 YEARS!
Absolutely!!! I am thinking the same! I’ve spent my life in therapy and self help and nothing has smashed home more than Anna. It’s embarrassing to think about how I can clearly see now how I have behaved. Not my fault, but now it’s my responsibility to get down to earth. I owe a major amends to my grown kids who watched their mom cycle through one failed relationship after another. The shame I feel is overwhelming right now.
@@michellek2946 Those are normal "wake up" feelings proving you're still human. It DOES improve after waking up.
Thank you so much for continuing to post videos about limerance. They continue to fortify and inspire me!
So many letters on this topic the past few weeks!
-Cara@TeamFairy
Parentification of children is so destructive.
Yes, in AlAnon, when someone is hitting on a newcomer especially (less than a year or two in the program), that's called 13 stepping. Have seen it really mess someone's trust level up. I agree - developing friendships and family relationships is first. Now in AA, I've heard that the AAs tell a newcomer to first see if they can keep a plant alive, then a pet for a couple of years. Girl meets boy on AA campus is a recipe for disaster unless both have longterm successful programs.
Been here a while now (though have recently fallen behind on your videos) and just want to say this is one of your absolute BEST. Thank you 🙏
That phrase - “If love came along that will fix us”. That very suspicious cliché IMHO. All media and religions bombard with that messages - all you need is love, everything will be all right if a love around and many other slogans and catchphrases love, love, love on every corner. But what we see in realty? Where the love and what it is behaviorally? So many words but where the actions? People size you and measure you like on the market, interview you like on job interview or like on police interrogation - nitpick this not okay that not okay, what your opinion on that or this and bla bla bla, or meet some who dare to claim that somehow love me without even knowing me or being my friend and not even trying to be my friend. People who say that love me but try to shape me in some box make from something different - so they do not love me, they want from me not being me but someone else. So many I do not know ploys, tease, hook you and play games, push - pull, shenanigans, cat and mouse games, jumping through hoops to prove something etc. in that area I just do not know already kind of allergic to that word love it seems lost its meaning and exist more now in realm of Marketing, PR, and pop culture and even politics. Why no one say you need being true friends, have a deep connection and understanding, spend quality time, mutually invested in one another, two way street relationships - nothing of that just slap on top word love and that it - now jump through hoops.
Goodness this is something I've been doing all my life....Thank you so much this was a wow moment for me. Living in limerance.
This channel is pure gold. Thank You!
Quality time”.. two words that busy people use when trying to wiggle themselves out of a guilt trip….powerful ❤
I just realized that not only do I not know how to be emotionally available, I don't know what it looks like.
I get super sad watching these. I'm learning a lot about why I act or respond to people and situations however I don't know if I can change at this point. I'm 61 and struggle to show up for myself let alone someone else. :(
I'm 63 and in the same boat. Here's to hope 🤞
I was thinking the same thing. I'm 54. I'm friendly, outgoing, considerate, but it's the "closer to home" stuff that worries me. I'm a decent person as long as a certain amount of distance is maintained. I don't know if I'm capable of letting anyone in anymore. Or, if I ever WAS capable. In my younger years it was easy to pass infatuation off as "love" and to think I was connected. I need to think about this and the limerence thing. I'd only heard of it just recently.
Likewise at 57 😎
@@gracelewis6071 I completely understand this.
There is a guy I see at the skatepark sometimes. I have been crushing on him since I saw him and anytime he is there when I’m skating I can’t seem to do anything but think about him and what he’s thinking of me. When I don’t see him for a while I look around for him. I know the time of day he is most likely to be at the park, and roughly how long he will stay. I never speak to him even though I am friendly with some of his friends. Yesterday, I was hanging out for a few minutes with said friends when he arrived all of the sudden and I instantly froze up. I don’t even know his name. I get upset and embarrassed every time I leave the park not saying a word.
Limerence. I have a problem with Limerence. What a bunker-busting, liberating discovery! I recently joined an online support group, and a member referred me to your channel. Thank you, Crappy Childhood Fairy!!
You come across as such a compassionate and kind person. Thank you for this channel ❤
Agreed - his kids need him now more than ever, maybe, and this might be the last window to form real, deep bonds with them before they get into their teens and ”don’t need parents”. I mean, it’s never too late to be there for your kids, but now might be easier than 5-10 years from now. And certainly better for their balanced growth. I feel for Jim, it’s terrible when you can’t even say what you need... Just realizing how much that’s crippled me.
Strength to all🖤🐺
Exactly my childhood to a T except my father left when i was 6 and it was my narcissist mother who worked from 6 am to 9am everyday for 6 days.
I had to raise my baby sister of 2 years old.
I had to clean, cook, go shopping, take care of my mother's emotions, had to be careful not to shake the boat with my emotions.
Limerance is or was something i had experienced for decades. Now that I'm healing i can stop myself from fantasy stories.
I used to pour extra love specifically into people who didn't seem to love their selves enough to show up in return, or who behaved so difficultly that it harmed me, all so that i could feel the exhilaration of putting up with it, washed down with the reassurance that nothing could ever hurt me beyond my capacity to maintain my sanity and self control depsite it, as long as I was so dedicatedly hypertolerant.
I finally had to start caring about myself enough to shut out everyone whom I didn't actually trust to show up for me in return & to at least do their best to be honest and so forth, which meant staying in touch with almost no one.
But the addiction to reaching out in my mind for someone to emotionally romanticise (in a sense) *because* they would then make me feel abandoned did not go away. .... So i had to learn to micromanage what music I listenned to and, finally, shut down my inner rewars system altogether, to a point where I was basically purposefully depressing myself by refusing to go with any motivating emotion because of the things about it that might be betraying either my wellbeing or my integrity. ....
There, in that dark and empty land without lies, I had to reassemble myself by discerningly choosing purposeful connection & learning to cope with & be thankful for my interactions with people and things in life that were not on that level of integrity but were the best nourishment that I could find.
It's a long story, but all of this summary to say that this limerence(sp?) drug & the codependency addiction with which we scramble for it is no joke!....
Hang in there, Jim.
Hits so close to home this one.
There is more support available crappychildhoodfairy.com/
Cara@TeamFairy
Hey Anna, I know you have some videos about things like coworkers and customer service, but as you're an entrepeneur--I'm wondering if you could do a series on being a business owner and managing CPTSD? I find I get triggered a lot with fussy clients, especially when their feedback sends me into an emotional flashback. It's also been difficult around money conversations. While I'm entering my second year as a very successful freelance writer--tips on this would be especially helpful. I'm sure I'm not the only one!
@Autumn_Jade you're definitely NOT the only one. Letters have come in around this and Anna is considering a special course to address this topic. Stay tuned :)
-Cara@TeamFairy
Please do this because I don’t know who the hell told me to become a divorce lawyer with all my issues lol