Thank you for explaining cluster B’s in so much detail. I have recently discovered my husband is cluster B fluctuating between covert, overt and borderline. Psychology was going to be my major. Understanding what is happening in his mind has helped me to get the help I need to get my children and myself safe. I knew he had extreme childhood trauma but had no idea the effects this trauma has on the brain. This video is exactly where I’m at in my relationship with him. I am no contact and just secured an attorney. We have a great family therapist that helped me become aware of the situation. Your videos have protected my children and myself.
You are telling my same story, also psychology degree and covet borderline sociopathic husband. I got a restraining order thank god! He violated within hours and was arrested in front of all his coworkers. It was AMAZING seeing him in court getting 2 years formal probation and domestic violence package, I am so grateful to be safe and away from him x but the pain is deep it was 20 years with him. This channel has helped me
I’ve just discovered your videos 6 months after being discarded by my Borderline ex girlfriend. I must say you describe and explain the condition, how it affects the person with the disorder and thoae close to them in a clear, succinct and balanced way i have not encountered before. My borderline ex used to go on about how important boundaries were for her - but when i tried to calmly enforce my own boundaries to stop her walking all over me, she would throw a tantrum like a spoiled child and then accuse me of starting fights. She stored up every one of these incidents in her memory, and eventually used them to devalue and discard me. These people will drive you crazy. 11 months with her drove me to antidepressants and serious suicidal thoughts for the first time in my 48 years of life. I got away with my life, but sustained a great deal of damage in the process. But its validating to finally realise, through your help that nothing i did or didn’t do could have saved the relationship - Borderlines follow a predictable script, ideaalise / devalue / discard, and nothing can change that outcome.
As a borderline, we can get treated the worst & still wont leave their partner. Guilty as charged haha . We also try to pull our partner back in but its not love or reunion, its hateful vengeance as they have already done the crime of abandoning us. My ex tried to talk rationally over phone for 4years , but I was not in the right mind set and ended up mostly trying to punish him for giving me the traumas. I thought only I was the victim and for me it was honestly the most painful years, always highly anxious about not feeling safe with him, all 3 fears of abandonment, rejection, engulfment and then i had to look into my own sickness. But then people like me also ending up not getting the right information about any of this anywhere. 5years ago, I was diagnosed with full blown BPD, anxiety, depression, obsession , paranoia when i first walked into therapist's office with 8 cuts on my left arm. ( i harmed myself while me & my psychopath ex were beating each other up, he stopped beating me after he saw what I can do, maybe he snapped to reality but then he left and i hoovered him back later that day, so twisted. I still remember that day and see myself as the girl from the movie 'Split') The MMPI test of 600 questions was asked to be done too , and it was weird that my therapist wasn't serious at all about all the weird answers i had did in the psychopathy/anti-social part of the leaflet. I wonder how can that be ignored , never discussed even. Now, at this stage my therapist says i have traits of bpd, narc, sociopath, paranoid, schizoid after i asked them to be comfortable & just say it. It's a joke , how they diagnose you with no clarity, if the therapist cannot point exactly about my disorder , then how are they gonna help me at all? CBT therapy since 5years and it didnt open my eyes to who i am , what i do , why i do and whole time my quality of life & relationship got worse & worse. I do blame & feel extremely annoyed at the time & money wasted in therapy so far. Are these therapists so afraid of telling us our own wrong ways? Also, I was told to cope up using my psychopathic defenses, which made me rationalize my vindictiveness and punishments to those who hurt me, gladly I pulled back in time.This is where Sam Vaknin comes in picture. He puts it out all raw and all of us have to chew it. Someone needs to do us this favour. I would like to thank Mr. Vaknin for sharing his indepth experience & knowledge, and the way he has dissected the multiple personality theory & post trauma self states. To everything that i have read and researched so far, its what resonates the most with me. I can see the times when I am behaving in a borderline way , instant switch to narcissistic way and my reckless/impulsive/out of control/substance abuse( antisocial behaviours have extremely slowed down and almost vanished in recent years) alcohol is now as repulsive as the promiscuity. It's been so much easier to quickly switch to disordered techniques than actually facing and feeling the pain, hurt but a truth seeker will do it, we know there is no other way. Sam Vaknin gives us a door that once we see, we cannot unsee.
I feel like I’ve just woken up to 4yrs of being mugged off, cheating, lies, secret behaviours, triangulation with his ex. I have had about 4 mental breakdowns where I thought I was losing my mind, the last one scared him as I told him to section me. Call the emergency services and he has told me since I’m crazy and insecure 🤯 wow I’ve just woken up to the extent of his abuse and I feel he will forever trigger me if I see him again. I swear to god he if ever tries to hoover me again. I will give him nothing now. He is dead to me.
Unbelievably accurate. I’m going through this right now. My ex husband abused me so badly I fled and was in hiding for months. He was arrested and I got a non molestation order. He defended it by accusing me of everything he had done to me even though it was all caught on CCTV. Quite incredible. Sam you are spot on!
So very true in every way. Thanks Professor! The real deal! Deep, complex, at times confusing, and aggravating, but explained so very well by you. No one does it better! Thank you! 🙌
I gotta say, my ex had that profile picture, and I had to point out the irony of a child in a tiara. Part of me thinks she knows she is a narcissist and just doesn't care to try treatment. Anyways my heart started racing when I saw your comment haha.
Too much focus and attention to oneself is unhealthy. I realised as a teenager that the more egocentric I got, the more I suffered. Maybe this is too simplified but I do see this correlation happening
Thank You a 100 more times! I needed it! Because till now I was still looking for my faults and blaming too much myself. I'm feeling much better! Thank You!
I experienced this with a covert malignant narcissist after I ended the relationship. He violated social norms, hacked into my account to get my new address, made false reports to the my state counseling board, made false allegations to my employers and stole mental health data and threatened to release it to patient families if I wasn’t fired. He tried to blackmail me and in doing so put my friend’s life at risk with more lies. And because of my issues I initially felt sorry for him due to his early life experiences - I was scared and sad but couldn’t get angry. Dr. Vaknin’s videos helped me heal, take responsibility for what I allowed and learn to change my own behavior. I ultimately got a restraining order. I remember a video that he had that said if someone is stalking you to get the law involved as this is not okay. It was a turning point. So grateful for this channel. I now use this information to help others.
Grateful here that she monkeybranched to a new one before my discard... The more i learn of this bpd mindfk, the more grateful i am to be over with... ALWAYS trust your gut feeling, was telling me the whole time something is not right, but the mind disregarded it, and i fell into this dark hole of cluster b crazy... i had no idea it even existed! Why is this not taught in school??
whoa. i now understand that my severely abusive parents fit perfectly with these cluster b's- my mother likely a borderline covert narcissist & my father a narcissistic psychopath. it has taken me literal decades to extract myself from their respective vice grips. unfortunately, due to the extremely abusive childhood my sibling and i were raised in, we've both been diagnosed with multiple mental health issues, including c-ptsd, depression, and anxiety disorders. i don't know if i will ever be able to overcome the debilitating damage they foisted upon us. it's a day to day battle with my own mind at this point.
Thank you for this video that may explain the series of hoovers I continue to receive and ignore. Clearly, he is looking to lure me back and punish me for what he believes is my abandonment of him. He used splitting and I have become the persecutory figure and he is my victim. The reality is I left because of his abusive behavior, which he will never admit. It's helpful to understand but disturbing that he is in this loop of hoovering to seek vengeance.
I started to cry at 45:05 Im a covert borderline and my EX wife is covert psychopathic narcissist and we sent together 8 hellish years. Every word you say describes thousands situations we've been. Dear Professor Vaknin, you've described every aspect with exquisite precision. I provided her with everything she needed only to have a mysterious hope for love in return. I felt horrible pain Noone should experience. Thank you again for saving my life - when on the 6th year of marriage I discovered who we were due to your comprehensive work. I'm from UA and was at war for 1,5 years. Only this distance allowed me to end this relationship after my son told me that she brought another man to our 1 room apartment. And it lasted for 2 months. By coincidence I got to know it on day of Military Forces of Ukraine. I ended up two time in a mental hospital and for this reason I was officially dismissed. Ps. I've watched tons of your videos and this is the first one where gender roles you use to describe a pair is identical to ours situation. Pps: couldn't watch to the end for the first time - cried like I didn't cry for a lo g time. Powerful triggers. Ppps. And yes, you are absolutely right regarding the will to be deceived. Once I said after a fight: YES YOU ARE A B@TCH! BUT THE EXACTLY KIND OF B@TCH THAT I LIKE.
Thank you Sam, you are truly a blessing to my life. May you be blessed. I have listened to so much of your content and it has enlightened and freed me. You are gifted, and a much need voice in our world today. This is your purpose. Everyone is suffering from some sort of illness. It's infliction upon each of us should be used to help others.
This is 100% what I experienced. It was so bad I moved away. The more she tried to hurt me the more I rejected and ignored. When we were together she obsessed over others. When I walked away she obsessed over me in the most destructive ways. Now that I have moved far away is the war over?
Thanks for making all of this content, is mildly difficult to find information on personality disorders and you serve as a good source that I find trustworthy overall.
I did the second time with the same person. 18 years later. It destroyed me completely this time. Kids from her previous partner. I’d wish this pain on no one.
When you are talking about the perfect fantasy v. reality of revenge, it reminded me of the book 1922 by Stephen King. The character fantasizes and is shocked by how horribly his grandiose, dramatic plan fails to work. It grows his resentment and he projects it outward to his neighbors as well as his victim. It’s a great unreliable narrator and a fun, quick read.
I watched this and Amber Heard came to mind. The clincher was Amber saying that she had to expose evil Johnny for the sake of other women. She wanted to be an example.
The BPD is the daughter and the Covert NPD is the father. Father is her "favorite person" and he over indulged her since birth. Makes for a cringe-worthy enmeshment. I don't think it will ever change.
The pwBPD that I dated was exactly like this. She admitted she had her dad wrapped around her little finger. She also mentioned that her dad would take her instead of her mom to certain outings that would be normally be reserved for a wife. The other interesting dynamic was with her mom, who she accused of not loving her, because her mom wanted a son.
@@aalves9453 That was the exact dynamic when he was married to her mother. Then he divorced and married me, and I think it's what triggers her BPD rage. We have a normal marriage and she wants it to be like before where her Dad spent all his time and money on her only. She goes into rage whenever we spend time alone. She has tried everything to sabotage our relationship and I have to admit it's working. The manipulation, constantly scheming for his attention from feigned helplessness and illnesses, to suicide threats. 16 years old but acts like she's 6 - rude, entitled, selfish, angry and makes the whole house feel dark. It's exhausting
Same.. a smother and son duo. Made him into her sonhusband. He slept in her bed up until the ripe age of 15. She would send him half naked selfies once a week! 😳 I found them in his “Fort Knox” locked phone one day when he forgot to batten down the hatch,..🤢 He hates her under the surface. To the public, he’s the doting perfect son. An extremely symbiotic relationshit. I got the heck out of there with the children. Thank you LordT!!! 🙌🏾🙏🏾
Sam, I knew a borderline/vulnerable Narc comorbid who had this situation.. her boyfriend abandoned her over a shallow reason and she obsessed over him for months but did not coerce him to take her back. Finally, he came back to her stating he missed her and wanted to work through what he said was her ‘flaws’ he struggled to deal with. She was on cloud 9 for about a year then devaluation began when she started to see he put his family of origin esp his mother first.. he would abandon her dates if mother needed help with something etc. at first she put up with it but resented it but the resentment simmered for years despite her not breaking up with him. At this point she almost hates him. Is this the typical path of a scorned borderline who is then welcomed back?
A pwBPD will litteraly date anyone. She will idealize this new partner and become whatever his dream woman is. This will include indulging in all the sex he can handle. In return the pwBPD asks that the partner endure her dysregulation. This of course is an impossible task. The unspoken covenant is eventually broken, and the partner cannot be trusted anymore. She'll reel him in and punish him as many times as he can take. Eventually he's the one who becomes dysregulated and the pwBPD can tell society ... see I told you he is evil. Have at him.
How long does the supply last? Weeks? Days? My covert narcissist drops his meds whenever he feels better and then, when the supply is over, he reverts and looks for drama and supply.
I have done the mortification, but it (the android 😂) keeps trying to befriend me. I assume this is not to be able to hoover at later stage, but to enable it to take revenge on me. Am I right?
Professor Vaknin, I love your insights, but sometimes I find myself thinking that you're also describing how "normal", well-adjusted people behave and feel. For example, almost everyone I know engages in "drama" to some extent or other, and the attitude of "all the world's a play" is probably the most common outlook on life, e.g. people often say "I feel like I'm in a movie!" I guess I'd like to know how to distinguish between behaviors and feelings that are truly pathological and just being human.
I know what you mean, and I think if you're dealing with one of these type B personalities from a normal acquaintance level you probably won't notice. It's when you get really close up and engage and usually in a relationship. The fighting and drama takes on a very strange character and you wonder what the hell is going on. After years of thinking there's probably something wrong with you eventually you get therapy and the therapist tells you you're fine and based on the numerous stories you've told your therapist they tell you to get the hell out. In conclusion, you won't know how to distinguish until you are the subject of abuse for years and then go to a therapist. Good times!
@@sgspecialfaded the difference is the severity , consistency and of course underlying psychological motivations It will also be accompanied by a bunch of other behaviours or they ain’t cluster b just a drama queen haha
My solution to all this crap is do not get in any interpersonal relationships or any intimate relationships with anybody. I don't want to be rejected or abandoned I don't want to Park taking anything like that. The only kind of man I attract are narcissist. I want nothing to do with these destructive techniques summer stay out of the way of having any intimate relationships. Yes I will withdraw from the world to protect myself and perhaps others. Professor said thank you, great teaching tonight. I have protection stay home and stay out of trouble. I live with my sister and she has me on a very tight leash she knows I could go out the house so she helps protect me.
Can you help. Was my ex a narc. We met 2 weeks after his wife died. Got engaged 4 months after we met. I asked him if this was not to soon. Said she had an affair at the time of her death and things was not going good between them. ( THIS LADY LOVED HIM SO MUCH, SHE WAS A SELFLESS MOM ANDA GREAT PERSON. SHE DIED OF AN ANURISM) Shocked me when he said he loves me very soon after we met. He was married previous time as well. But he told me this onky lasted 6 months and she was bipolar. Had affairs, abused him. I saw a picture of a little girl. He told me he had 2 foster girls he helped out with. Is actually a biological child from is SIX year marriage to his first wife. And the 2nd a gi he had in a relationship that he had after his marraige ended. He told me I should get pregnant. He had his deceased wife children in foster care. He said he was tired looking after other peoples children. God blessed as with a boy. Finacially i was looking after the household. He could not hold down a job, so we tried building up his own consfruction business. I felt jealous of the children. I think he did the triangulation thing with them. Soon after we got married be started telling me that i will always be his second priority to his children. When our son arrived, we were both his 2nd priority. He witheld sex since the birth of our son,which was the last 3 years of our marriage. Always said it will happen again he just needed time And I needed to be better with the children. He lied to me about so many things and and started chatting to a rich cousin just before he discarded me. He and the children is now living with her. He is not paying child support because he states his son has me to look after him. He needs to look after his foster kids. He told his aunt i left because of another man. I AM GOING CRAZY.
This is so interesting. So, the borderline essentially transmutes his/her self-hate into hatred of the intimate partner, mom/dad, a friend, someone else, right? What would it mean if the Borderline sat with the self-hate? Embraced & integrated with it?
well let me share you how it looked in my experinece. I had borderline ex GF and she was working on her self for a long time. But then as soon as she started precive me of cheating (she had toxic coworker that hated men), or started to realise that i might do that, everything fliped on its head. It started to happen as Sam described, endless vengance and hatred without any reasionable background. She even started to put her self in dangerous situations in order to be "saved". Problem with them (from my experience) is that you never know if they are trully healing them selves or just faking it in order to satisfy you. BPDS are liek cameleons, they will do everyting to be loved, even if that means completely changing who they are.
@Bajker Volta no arguments from me on that one! My separated wife immediately jumped into bed(literally the day she said we were separared) with a guy and moved in with him 2 weeks later. She played herself up to everything he loves to do, although I know she doesn't like much of it at all. She's love bombed and sex bombed him to reel him in and morphed into his ideal parter, and a victim to be "saved". Little does he know what's down the road for him!
@@bajkerjohnvoltathis is so sad coming out of a relationship with a Borderline woman. I really miss her but at the same time I would never be sure how long it can last.
Omg! So you mean the worst is not over? I just broke up with my partner of 18months. Should i expect stalking and vengeance? I had enough of him . I still liove him but enough is enough. 😢 . Its like walking in eggshells. One minute he is ok then lashing out at me the next. Accussing me of infidelity when there is none. Puts words into my mouth . Accusing me of enticing other men in the gym while he was all along with me in the gym. Wants me to be by his side 24/7. Suffocating. And they lie so much. I suapect he has bpd/npd traits.he refused therapy. He said he is a good person.
I have someone in my life who has latched onto me and love bombed me and my empathy had me feeling so bad, almost observing the narcissist like he was under glass - the red flags were huge. I was wondering if he was borderline or a covert narcissist, i seem to attrack ppl with borderline the last 2 guys i rejected (i didnt even know these guys really) were actually diagnosed.
I am aware narcissists will probably ignore non molestation orders but what about female borderline? Will it keep her away so I can stop the cycle of abuse to discard hoover on a weekly basis. She’s cheated on me throughout
Professor Sam I am 57 with MA in Clinical Psychology and My fiance of 8 months and girlfriend of 15 months beautiful and MBA CEO we had a beautiful relationship full love love, romance, music and abruptly broke up over me sitting at a different chair at wedding reception table, she got angry and gave me silent treatment for 15/20 mins and I just walked away for 10/15 mins to cool off since she refused to even talk. This walking away was seen as abandoning her and she stopped talking for 2.5 hrs and abruptly asked to return to hotel and I asked for 10/15 mins to gather family members, she insisted on going immediately, I argued with her how unreasonable this was etc and when she pushed my buttons I just gave her hotel keys and said you want to take Uber? To this she stormed out, didn’t talk for rest of night and next am and when I called her out as cause if this dynamic and she owns her disproportionate reaction she returned the ring and said we are done and broke up in a very self righteous way sent me a text in few days. Accused me of leaving family behind, abandoning family, middle if night. That this was my family values. I tired reconciliation for 6 weeks then just had to accept her break up she was most likely on dating sites and out having fun from pictures on social media. She wanted to be friends I declined. Since October 16 to today I have been agonizing on what happened here. I lost my peace if mind and 10 weeks have passed and not hurt from her, I know she wont reach out and I don’t want to feel injustice and so wronged. Until you broke it down so eloquently I did t get it. Now I do. I am so grateful. You are a gift to humanity. I will be ordering your books and listening all your recordings. Gratefully. Parth.
@@FloraSorayes Now that 9 months have passed I no longer idealize or view her as if has something special and gets a pass for bad behavior. She has not reached out and I have her blocked every where except emails. I am moving on.
Thnx brō-I’ve been trapped in some crazy hourglass that has become increasingly difficult to flip,yeah-Ur teachings hv been integral in my mind but hv found wanting in my lived life moving forward….keep trying to be future focused but keep defeating myself when I’m reaching healthy patterns and success in practical ways???? I’ve studied and learned a lot and I want to just move forward but can’t get beyond the idea that I’m unworthy of being more when I’ve failed everything I believe l was supposed to be for the ones I love,cldn’t live for anything else then her or others fo s0 long, and now I’m stuck in my own pain and failure to be the exuberant,outgoing and courageous man l still remember being…????? I’m greatfull for Ur express and tutoring-I’ll keep @it, yeah-get on abt it??? Thnx again 🤌✨
Thank you for explaining cluster B’s in so much detail. I have recently discovered my husband is cluster B fluctuating between covert, overt and borderline. Psychology was going to be my major. Understanding what is happening in his mind has helped me to get the help I need to get my children and myself safe. I knew he had extreme childhood trauma but had no idea the effects this trauma has on the brain. This video is exactly where I’m at in my relationship with him. I am no contact and just secured an attorney. We have a great family therapist that helped me become aware of the situation. Your videos have protected my children and myself.
You are telling my same story, also psychology degree and covet borderline sociopathic husband. I got a restraining order thank god! He violated within hours and was arrested in front of all his coworkers. It was AMAZING seeing him in court getting 2 years formal probation and domestic violence package, I am so grateful to be safe and away from him x but the pain is deep it was 20 years with him. This channel has helped me
I’ve just discovered your videos 6 months after being discarded by my Borderline ex girlfriend. I must say you describe and explain the condition, how it affects the person with the disorder and thoae close to them in a clear, succinct and balanced way i have not encountered before.
My borderline ex used to go on about how important boundaries were for her - but when i tried to calmly enforce my own boundaries to stop her walking all over me, she would throw a tantrum like a spoiled child and then accuse me of starting fights.
She stored up every one of these incidents in her memory, and eventually used them to devalue and discard me.
These people will drive you crazy.
11 months with her drove me to antidepressants and serious suicidal thoughts for the first time in my 48 years of life.
I got away with my life, but sustained a great deal of damage in the process.
But its validating to finally realise, through your help that nothing i did or didn’t do could have saved the relationship - Borderlines follow a predictable script, ideaalise / devalue / discard, and nothing can change that outcome.
Feel you. There is nothing we can do. It would never be enough.
As a borderline, we can get treated the worst & still wont leave their partner. Guilty as charged haha . We also try to pull our partner back in but its not love or reunion, its hateful vengeance as they have already done the crime of abandoning us. My ex tried to talk rationally over phone for 4years , but I was not in the right mind set and ended up mostly trying to punish him for giving me the traumas. I thought only I was the victim and for me it was honestly the most painful years, always highly anxious about not feeling safe with him, all 3 fears of abandonment, rejection, engulfment and then i had to look into my own sickness. But then people like me also ending up not getting the right information about any of this anywhere.
5years ago, I was diagnosed with full blown BPD, anxiety, depression, obsession , paranoia when i first walked into therapist's office with 8 cuts on my left arm. ( i harmed myself while me & my psychopath ex were beating each other up, he stopped beating me after he saw what I can do, maybe he snapped to reality but then he left and i hoovered him back later that day, so twisted. I still remember that day and see myself as the girl from the movie 'Split')
The MMPI test of 600 questions was asked to be done too , and it was weird that my therapist wasn't serious at all about all the weird answers i had did in the psychopathy/anti-social part of the leaflet. I wonder how can that be ignored , never discussed even.
Now, at this stage my therapist says i have traits of bpd, narc, sociopath, paranoid, schizoid after i asked them to be comfortable & just say it. It's a joke , how they diagnose you with no clarity, if the therapist cannot point exactly about my disorder , then how are they gonna help me at all?
CBT therapy since 5years and it didnt open my eyes to who i am , what i do , why i do and whole time my quality of life & relationship got worse & worse. I do blame & feel extremely annoyed at the time & money wasted in therapy so far.
Are these therapists so afraid of telling us our own wrong ways? Also, I was told to cope up using my psychopathic defenses, which made me rationalize my vindictiveness and punishments to those who hurt me, gladly I pulled back in time.This is where Sam Vaknin comes in picture. He puts it out all raw and all of us have to chew it. Someone needs to do us this favour.
I would like to thank Mr. Vaknin for sharing his indepth experience & knowledge, and the way he has dissected the multiple personality theory & post trauma self states. To everything that i have read and researched so far, its what resonates the most with me.
I can see the times when I am behaving in a borderline way , instant switch to narcissistic way and my reckless/impulsive/out of control/substance abuse( antisocial behaviours have extremely slowed down and almost vanished in recent years) alcohol is now as repulsive as the promiscuity.
It's been so much easier to quickly switch to disordered techniques than actually facing and feeling the pain, hurt but a truth seeker will do it, we know there is no other way. Sam Vaknin gives us a door that once we see, we cannot unsee.
Like a parasite ejected from it's host
I feel like I’ve just woken up to 4yrs of being mugged off, cheating, lies, secret behaviours, triangulation with his ex. I have had about 4 mental breakdowns where I thought I was losing my mind, the last one scared him as I told him to section me. Call the emergency services and he has told me since I’m crazy and insecure 🤯 wow I’ve just woken up to the extent of his abuse and I feel he will forever trigger me if I see him again. I swear to god he if ever tries to hoover me again. I will give him nothing now. He is dead to me.
Unbelievably accurate. I’m going through this right now. My ex husband abused me so badly I fled and was in hiding for months. He was arrested and I got a non molestation order. He defended it by accusing me of everything he had done to me even though it was all caught on CCTV. Quite incredible. Sam you are spot on!
So very true in every way. Thanks Professor! The real deal! Deep, complex, at times confusing, and aggravating, but explained so very well by you. No one does it better! Thank you! 🙌
Your timing couldn’t be better, dealing with this now with “family”. They are relentless and do become vengeful stalkers. Thank you Sam.
It’s so creepy! Be strong
I gotta say, my ex had that profile picture, and I had to point out the irony of a child in a tiara. Part of me thinks she knows she is a narcissist and just doesn't care to try treatment. Anyways my heart started racing when I saw your comment haha.
Too much focus and attention to oneself is unhealthy. I realised as a teenager that the more egocentric I got, the more I suffered. Maybe this is too simplified but I do see this correlation happening
So true 👍
Excellent explanation of Cluster B strategies
Thank You a 100 more times!
I needed it!
Because till now I was still looking for my faults and blaming too much myself.
I'm feeling much better!
Thank You!
I experienced this with a covert malignant narcissist after I ended the relationship. He violated social norms, hacked into my account to get my new address, made false reports to the my state counseling board, made false allegations to my employers and stole mental health data and threatened to release it to patient families if I wasn’t fired. He tried to blackmail me and in doing so put my friend’s life at risk with more lies. And because of my issues I initially felt sorry for him due to his early life experiences - I was scared and sad but couldn’t get angry. Dr. Vaknin’s videos helped me heal, take responsibility for what I allowed and learn to change my own behavior. I ultimately got a restraining order. I remember a video that he had that said if someone is stalking you to get the law involved as this is not okay. It was a turning point. So grateful for this channel. I now use this information to help others.
"look it up" The best line in all of youtube
Grateful here that she monkeybranched to a new one before my discard... The more i learn of this bpd mindfk, the more grateful i am to be over with... ALWAYS trust your gut feeling, was telling me the whole time something is not right, but the mind disregarded it, and i fell into this dark hole of cluster b crazy... i had no idea it even existed! Why is this not taught in school??
whoa. i now understand that my severely abusive parents fit perfectly with these cluster b's- my mother likely a borderline covert narcissist & my father a narcissistic psychopath. it has taken me literal decades to extract myself from their respective vice grips. unfortunately, due to the extremely abusive childhood my sibling and i were raised in, we've both been diagnosed with multiple mental health issues, including c-ptsd, depression, and anxiety disorders. i don't know if i will ever be able to overcome the debilitating damage they foisted upon us. it's a day to day battle with my own mind at this point.
Pleaseee, never stop doing these videos. You are God sent. ❤
So they eventually overplay their hand to their own detriment.
Thank you for this video that may explain the series of hoovers I continue to receive and ignore. Clearly, he is looking to lure me back and punish me for what he believes is my abandonment of him. He used splitting and I have become the persecutory figure and he is my victim. The reality is I left because of his abusive behavior, which he will never admit. It's helpful to understand but disturbing that he is in this loop of hoovering to seek vengeance.
This is the most accurate analysis of Cluster B I have heard! Thank you.
I started to cry at 45:05
Im a covert borderline and my EX wife is covert psychopathic narcissist and we sent together 8 hellish years.
Every word you say describes thousands situations we've been.
Dear Professor Vaknin, you've described every aspect with exquisite precision.
I provided her with everything she needed only to have a mysterious hope for love in return.
I felt horrible pain Noone should experience.
Thank you again for saving my life - when on the 6th year of marriage I discovered who we were due to your comprehensive work.
I'm from UA and was at war for 1,5 years. Only this distance allowed me to end this relationship after my son told me that she brought another man to our 1 room apartment. And it lasted for 2 months. By coincidence I got to know it on day of Military Forces of Ukraine.
I ended up two time in a mental hospital and for this reason I was officially dismissed.
Ps. I've watched tons of your videos and this is the first one where gender roles you use to describe a pair is identical to ours situation.
Pps: couldn't watch to the end for the first time - cried like I didn't cry for a lo g time. Powerful triggers.
Ppps. And yes, you are absolutely right regarding the will to be deceived. Once I said after a fight: YES YOU ARE A B@TCH! BUT THE EXACTLY KIND OF B@TCH THAT I LIKE.
а як саме Ви визначили, що Ваша колишня дружина була саме психопатичною covert нарцискою? (я також межова🥺)
this is 💯 validating my experience with a BPD who might be a covert narcissist
Thank you Sam, you are truly a blessing to my life. May you be blessed.
I have listened to so much of your content and it has enlightened and freed me. You are gifted, and a much need voice in our world today. This is your purpose.
Everyone is suffering from some sort of illness. It's infliction upon each of us should be used to help others.
So, how do "normal people" deal with intentional harm and abandonment? What is the normal reaction to abuse?
Leaving…
Getting away from the source and living happily .
You don’t “latch”..we leave.
We don’t “hoover”… make a different maneuver.. EXIT LEFT!
This is 100% what I experienced. It was so bad I moved away. The more she tried to hurt me the more I rejected and ignored. When we were together she obsessed over others. When I walked away she obsessed over me in the most destructive ways. Now that I have moved far away is the war over?
Probably one of your best video! Thank you for sharing!
Thanks for making all of this content, is mildly difficult to find information on personality disorders and you serve as a good source that I find trustworthy overall.
Prof. Sam! Thank you for the last sentences of this video. I have lit the fires, now I can focus on myself with certainty. 🔥🥶🙂↔️
ENTITLED to take over others bodies and minds. My father has done this with one of my brothers, who now feels entitled to 90% of his inheritance!!!
I did the second time with the same person. 18 years later. It destroyed me completely this time. Kids from her previous partner. I’d wish this pain on no one.
In the same boat bro, 15 years with her and her last husbands kids! I love the kids and want to protect them but they are her kids! 🤷♂️
When you are talking about the perfect fantasy v. reality of revenge, it reminded me of the book 1922 by Stephen King. The character fantasizes and is shocked by how horribly his grandiose, dramatic plan fails to work. It grows his resentment and he projects it outward to his neighbors as well as his victim. It’s a great unreliable narrator and a fun, quick read.
Just got the book, 600+ pages of fun
I watched this and Amber Heard came to mind. The clincher was Amber saying that she had to expose evil Johnny for the sake of other women. She wanted to be an example.
I love your videos. I found answers to my questions. Thank you so much Dear Professor ❤❤❤
Great explanation. Thank you. 100 % true.
The BPD is the daughter and the Covert NPD is the father. Father is her "favorite person" and he over indulged her since birth. Makes for a cringe-worthy enmeshment. I don't think it will ever change.
The pwBPD that I dated was exactly like this. She admitted she had her dad wrapped around her little finger. She also mentioned that her dad would take her instead of her mom to certain outings that would be normally be reserved for a wife. The other interesting dynamic was with her mom, who she accused of not loving her, because her mom wanted a son.
@@aalves9453 That was the exact dynamic when he was married to her mother. Then he divorced and married me, and I think it's what triggers her BPD rage. We have a normal marriage and she wants it to be like before where her Dad spent all his time and money on her only. She goes into rage whenever we spend time alone. She has tried everything to sabotage our relationship and I have to admit it's working. The manipulation, constantly scheming for his attention from feigned helplessness and illnesses, to suicide threats. 16 years old but acts like she's 6 - rude, entitled, selfish, angry and makes the whole house feel dark. It's exhausting
Same.. a smother and son duo. Made him into her sonhusband. He slept in her bed up until the ripe age of 15.
She would send him half naked selfies once a week! 😳 I found them in his “Fort Knox” locked phone one day when he forgot to batten down the hatch,..🤢
He hates her under the surface. To the public, he’s the doting perfect son. An extremely symbiotic relationshit.
I got the heck out of there with the children. Thank you LordT!!! 🙌🏾🙏🏾
OMFG!!! That woman is sick AF.
Sam, I knew a borderline/vulnerable Narc comorbid who had this situation.. her boyfriend abandoned her over a shallow reason and she obsessed over him for months but did not coerce him to take her back. Finally, he came back to her stating he missed her and wanted to work through what he said was her ‘flaws’ he struggled to deal with. She was on cloud 9 for about a year then devaluation began when she started to see he put his family of origin esp his mother first.. he would abandon her dates if mother needed help with something etc. at first she put up with it but resented it but the resentment simmered for years despite her not breaking up with him. At this point she almost hates him. Is this the typical path of a scorned borderline who is then welcomed back?
I mean... He sounds toxic AF.
A pwBPD will litteraly date anyone. She will idealize this new partner and become whatever his dream woman is. This will include indulging in all the sex he can handle. In return the pwBPD asks that the partner endure her dysregulation. This of course is an impossible task. The unspoken covenant is eventually broken, and the partner cannot be trusted anymore. She'll reel him in and punish him as many times as he can take. Eventually he's the one who becomes dysregulated and the pwBPD can tell society ... see I told you he is evil. Have at him.
Astute observation
How long does the supply last? Weeks? Days? My covert narcissist drops his meds whenever he feels better and then, when the supply is over, he reverts and looks for drama and supply.
Thank you for explaining your mentions of Her/She
So many videos on how to overcome a narcissist but how to deal with your own narcissism or sociopathy. Can you please make a video on this topic?
I did.
@@samvaknin will watch. thnx
I have done the mortification, but it (the android 😂) keeps trying to befriend me. I assume this is not to be able to hoover at later stage, but to enable it to take revenge on me. Am I right?
Professor Vaknin, I love your insights, but sometimes I find myself thinking that you're also describing how "normal", well-adjusted people behave and feel. For example, almost everyone I know engages in "drama" to some extent or other, and the attitude of "all the world's a play" is probably the most common outlook on life, e.g. people often say "I feel like I'm in a movie!" I guess I'd like to know how to distinguish between behaviors and feelings that are truly pathological and just being human.
En la intención, si es buena o mala 🤔.
I know what you mean, and I think if you're dealing with one of these type B personalities from a normal acquaintance level you probably won't notice. It's when you get really close up and engage and usually in a relationship. The fighting and drama takes on a very strange character and you wonder what the hell is going on. After years of thinking there's probably something wrong with you eventually you get therapy and the therapist tells you you're fine and based on the numerous stories you've told your therapist they tell you to get the hell out. In conclusion, you won't know how to distinguish until you are the subject of abuse for years and then go to a therapist. Good times!
I don’t know people who deliberately engage in drama
@@bigtreecombatacademy2927 Well, deliberate or not
@@sgspecialfaded the difference is the severity , consistency and of course underlying psychological motivations
It will also be accompanied by a bunch of other behaviours or they ain’t cluster b just a drama queen haha
yeah. wow. i have been doing the "acting thing" for alot of my life....great.
My solution to all this crap is do not get in any interpersonal relationships or any intimate relationships with anybody. I don't want to be rejected or abandoned I don't want to Park taking anything like that. The only kind of man I attract are narcissist. I want nothing to do with these destructive techniques summer stay out of the way of having any intimate relationships. Yes I will withdraw from the world to protect myself and perhaps others. Professor said thank you, great teaching tonight. I have protection stay home and stay out of trouble. I live with my sister and she has me on a very tight leash she knows I could go out the house so she helps protect me.
Can you help. Was my ex a narc. We met 2 weeks after his wife died. Got engaged 4 months after we met. I asked him if this was not to soon. Said she had an affair at the time of her death and things was not going good between them. ( THIS LADY LOVED HIM SO MUCH, SHE WAS A SELFLESS MOM ANDA GREAT PERSON. SHE DIED OF AN ANURISM) Shocked me when he said he loves me very soon after we met. He was married previous time as well. But he told me this onky lasted 6 months and she was bipolar. Had affairs, abused him. I saw a picture of a little girl. He told me he had 2 foster girls he helped out with. Is actually a biological child from is SIX year marriage to his first wife. And the 2nd a gi he had in a relationship that he had after his marraige ended.
He told me I should get pregnant. He had his deceased wife children in foster care. He said he was tired looking after other peoples children. God blessed as with a boy. Finacially i was looking after the household. He could not hold down a job, so we tried building up his own consfruction business. I felt jealous of the children. I think he did the triangulation thing with them. Soon after we got married be started telling me that i will always be his second priority to his children. When our son arrived, we were both his 2nd priority. He witheld sex since the birth of our son,which was the last 3 years of our marriage. Always said it will happen again he just needed time And I needed to be better with the children. He lied to me about so many things and and started chatting to a rich cousin just before he discarded me. He and the children is now living with her. He is not paying child support because he states his son has me to look after him. He needs to look after his foster kids. He told his aunt i left because of another man. I AM GOING CRAZY.
Yes. 100%.
This is so interesting. So, the borderline essentially transmutes his/her self-hate into hatred of the intimate partner, mom/dad, a friend, someone else, right? What would it mean if the Borderline sat with the self-hate? Embraced & integrated with it?
well let me share you how it looked in my experinece.
I had borderline ex GF and she was working on her self for a long time. But then as soon as she started precive me of cheating (she had toxic coworker that hated men), or started to realise that i might do that, everything fliped on its head.
It started to happen as Sam described, endless vengance and hatred without any reasionable background. She even started to put her self in dangerous situations in order to be "saved".
Problem with them (from my experience) is that you never know if they are trully healing them selves or just faking it in order to satisfy you. BPDS are liek cameleons, they will do everyting to be loved, even if that means completely changing who they are.
@Bajker Volta no arguments from me on that one! My separated wife immediately jumped into bed(literally the day she said we were separared) with a guy and moved in with him 2 weeks later. She played herself up to everything he loves to do, although I know she doesn't like much of it at all. She's love bombed and sex bombed him to reel him in and morphed into his ideal parter, and a victim to be "saved". Little does he know what's down the road for him!
@@newman977 yes, and after awhile, they you are bad object for everything 😔
@@bajkerjohnvoltathis is so sad coming out of a relationship with a Borderline woman. I really miss her but at the same time I would never be sure how long it can last.
@@nic867 yes indeed and then you ask ure self if everything was real or fake.
It really meses you up.
If Narcissists and Borderlines blame shift and refuse therapy, what leads them to get diagnosed?
When they hit rock bottom or are forced into evaluation or therapy.
Good lord, this is me.
Omg! So you mean the worst is not over? I just broke up with my partner of 18months. Should i expect stalking and vengeance? I had enough of him . I still liove him but enough is enough. 😢 . Its like walking in eggshells. One minute he is ok then lashing out at me the next. Accussing me of infidelity when there is none. Puts words into my mouth . Accusing me of enticing other men in the gym while he was all along with me in the gym. Wants me to be by his side 24/7. Suffocating. And they lie so much. I suapect he has bpd/npd traits.he refused therapy. He said he is a good person.
Spot on !
Thank you!
(where does one go for healing to be ones own when its been from your first breath?)
Symphony.
I have someone in my life who has latched onto me and love bombed me and my empathy had me feeling so bad, almost observing the narcissist like he was under glass - the red flags were huge. I was wondering if he was borderline or a covert narcissist, i seem to attrack ppl with borderline the last 2 guys i rejected (i didnt even know these guys really) were actually diagnosed.
I think I’m a narcissist or a borderline
Are there any videos on the relationship with the classic borderline with covert narcissist ?
Search the channel for “odd couple”.
מבריק כל מילה ..אין לתאר
I am aware narcissists will probably ignore non molestation orders but what about female borderline? Will it keep her away so I can stop the cycle of abuse to discard hoover on a weekly basis. She’s cheated on me throughout
nicky's world cmu xoxo
Why would they divorce you then after they got you pregnant & they had the affair? And they do nothing to fix it?
My husband fits certain characteristics of a narc but not all. How do I know for sure?
Check out dr ramani. She just looks at it as a personality style and less as a diagnosis
(Miejn
Mijn moeder is zoals deze beschrijving)
Professor Sam I am 57 with MA in Clinical Psychology and My fiance of 8 months and girlfriend of 15 months beautiful and MBA CEO we had a beautiful relationship full love love, romance, music and abruptly broke up over me sitting at a different chair at wedding reception table, she got angry and gave me silent treatment for 15/20 mins and I just walked away for 10/15 mins to cool off since she refused to even talk. This walking away was seen as abandoning her and she stopped talking for 2.5 hrs and abruptly asked to return to hotel and I asked for 10/15 mins to gather family members, she insisted on going immediately, I argued with her how unreasonable this was etc and when she pushed my buttons I just gave her hotel keys and said you want to take Uber? To this she stormed out, didn’t talk for rest of night and next am and when I called her out as cause if this dynamic and she owns her disproportionate reaction she returned the ring and said we are done and broke up in a very self righteous way sent me a text in few days. Accused me of leaving family behind, abandoning family, middle if night. That this was my family values. I tired reconciliation for 6 weeks then just had to accept her break up she was most likely on dating sites and out having fun from pictures on social media. She wanted to be friends I declined. Since October 16 to today I have been agonizing on what happened here. I lost my peace if mind and 10 weeks have passed and not hurt from her, I know she wont reach out and I don’t want to feel injustice and so wronged. Until you broke it down so eloquently I did t get it. Now I do. I am so grateful. You are a gift to humanity. I will be ordering your books and listening all your recordings. Gratefully. Parth.
Horrible! Hope you're doing better now!
@@FloraSorayes Now that 9 months have passed I no longer idealize or view her as if has something special and gets a pass for bad behavior. She has not reached out and I have her blocked every where except emails. I am moving on.
@@FloraSoraHow are you in your healings
@@markjayw666Thank you Mark yes have started and feel better don’t see her as some one who changed my world and can’t be replaced .
In fact working on self esteem seems just right antidote
אז איך להיות אותנטי בתוך כל הדרמה והסחרחורת הרגשית? מהי עצתך
Subscribe to my Nothingness channel.
Very insightful. Sounds very much like Donald Trumps patterns!
@wupecina
Thnx brō-I’ve been trapped in some crazy hourglass that has become increasingly difficult to flip,yeah-Ur teachings hv been integral in my mind but hv found wanting in my lived life moving forward….keep trying to be future focused but keep defeating myself when I’m reaching healthy patterns and success in practical ways???? I’ve studied and learned a lot and I want to just move forward but can’t get beyond the idea that I’m unworthy of being more when I’ve failed everything I believe l was supposed to be for the ones I love,cldn’t live for anything else then her or others fo s0 long, and now I’m stuck in my own pain and failure to be the exuberant,outgoing and courageous man l still remember being…?????
I’m greatfull for Ur express and tutoring-I’ll keep @it, yeah-get on abt it???
Thnx again 🤌✨
What's 'spin rejection'?
Reframing the rejection as though it were their idea and doing; that you only rejected them because they made you do it, like a puppetmaster.
@@IRONBYRON3 lol I just realised how I misread the title 😅