The Pain of Disappointment and How to Control the Hurt
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- Опубліковано 13 тра 2024
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Disappointment happens to all of us, but for those with BPD it can be particularly difficult. Disappointment is often based upon expectations and results when things don't go as planned. In this video, I discuss not only the cycle of disappointment but how to manage it and conceptualize it.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: www.drdfox.com/books
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Videos edited by Emil Christopher: emilchristopheredits@gmail.com
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
That sensation of a sinking heart and the pain filling my chest, humming noise in the ears- beware, I am falling down to pieces. Adaptive patterns might be breathing techniques, soft singing, ear phones on with soothing content, fresh air, trying to be like a mother to my inner child. Quiet surrounding, outdoor activity.
Thank you, I am also feeling that atm. Your description really helped especially air like a mother.
@@benjones1452 ☀️Yes, it is important for us to be kind to ourselves. To fight the inner demons and protect our hurt inner child. No one else can do that, as we are adults and everyone expects us to be strong and cool about life. Probably our parents did not do that when we were small.🙋🙏May you be filled with love and kindness, may you be strong, may you be joyful and in peace of mind. Take care.
I tried to explain the hum that I feel. A dynamo vibration sensation. They just stared at me.
@@timothymcdonnell7942 No expectations, it is hard to understand for "normal humans". Some try to be kind, but most reject our feelings and it is useless to reach out to them, especially family. They get afraid of us.
@@mariaa8659 I hear you! I have been there and know exactly how you feel. I wish I could help you. It will not be
forever, it will pass and better times will make up for the pain.
All the best to you!
Therapy time with Dr fox! Yey!! This man is a walking talking encyclopedia of everything bpd! What doesn't he know?! Incredible, he knows me better than I know myself! Genius my absolute go to! Don't stop these videos they are a game changer,thank you for making these videos ! X
Hes great isnt he
@@deborahbain9915 Dr fox is a god send he really is he knows his stuff and I feel like he's got the backs of every decent person who has bpd and he doesn't treat us like we're bad apples that I've heard others portray us to be
My biggest problem is disappointment in myself. Especially when I worked hard for something and my efforts aren't rewarded or even noticed. It's that thought that I have no one to blame but myself.
I totally get what youre saying ...i am constantly disappointed in myself!
this is exactly what i'm going through right now. i get you
Self-hatred, right? Sorry dude
Even when it is someone else letting me down I twist it into disappointment in self. Actually ANY disappointment is 'my fault'. I blame myself for trusting, hoping, not realising they/it was going to throw me a curve ball etc. I always turn it inward and it's hard to forgive myself for so much failure and every little thing brings all the other things I've blamed myself for cascading back into my mind. How can noticing one of the apples I just bought is bad, result in me sitting in the corner on the floor crying and shaking because I'm completely worthless? The escalation is ridiculous but I need to stop writing about it now because my mind is already teetering on blaming myself for being ridiculous and letting it get out of hand!
@@jessicataylor7174 it's okay to repeat mistakes. it happens to humans. you aren't worthless. if you see another bad apple, make bad apple cider.
Thank you for the video. I know I should’ve reacted differently last week. I overreacted, I couldn’t think straight. I went from chill to chaotic in a matter of seconds. There was no slowing down, no escape at that moment. Looking back, I’m so, so embarrassed for crying, walking out and shutting off in the middle of my shift. I didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know exactly what I should’ve done in that situation, but I know I did it wrong. It’s difficult when you’re at work, and there are people around you, and you’re supposed to act responsible, and you just feel so trapped...
Same here... I don't know what to do with myself anymore, Im exhausted
A man that truly is in love with his job. A man that truly wants to help people. Thank Dr fox for thinking outside of the box.
Tangerine essential oil has saved me from the dark stressful moods. I was so impressed when I came across this.
Doctor fox helps me more than my own therapist.
I relearned how to live life because of his free videos a true Saint here people 🙏🌈☝️
It is that long-term feeling of chronic disappointment that really is the heaviest and the inability to feel able to separate from it.
Build those adaptive strategies to help manage them. It’s possible. Be well
@@DrDanielFox a New Year is ahead. TY
I am mourning the life I thought I was going to have
Even though I leave these videos feeling empowered, I then relapse, go through the same experiences, even though I did my damnedest to change, and it turns out I'm as weak as day one...
So I come back to Fox's videos again, rinse and repeat cycle.
Don’t give up! Theirs a silver lining!
When I feel dissapointed/devastated I tend to sabotage myself or the relationship that was dissapointing and cause as much harm as possible to empower my feeling of devastation. What I try to do now is realize it's only going to make me feel worse (before therapy that didn't matter and was actually often the goal), and we're trying to be better, and that helps me take a step back from consciously sabotaging myself. I still feel intensely hurt/angry/sad, what I try to do then is a lot of breathing exercises and trying to accept my emotion and not act on it. Still struggle a lot with how to deal with the emotions that come even after you know what to do or not to do, but I'm learning.
Thanks so much for this video!
Put your problem in perspective. Following a disappointment, it can be difficult to see beyond the immediate aftermath👍
whenever I feel anxious or upset, I burn incense in my room. They smell so good and calms me down (:
does the incense having something in it that actually works on calming one's self or is it only psychological? And are the oils that Dr Fox mention something that works along a similar way? Genuinely curious don't know anything about either.
@@reubenbrannon7349 in the spiritual community incense, palo santo, sage are used for cleansing energies. If you just think about clearing negative energy from yourself and your space as you do it, it does work; it can be thought of as a placebo effect if you’re not super spiritual. I think just the smell will help you be mindful of anything other than your intense thoughts/feelings. I hope that makes sense!
@@reubenbrannon7349 I use fruity smells and vanilla because I like them. There is no 'medicinal' benefits and many claims of such are unproven, but the ones I use don't even try to kid anyone they're 'medicine'. They work for me because I enjoy them and associate them with self-nurture and calm. Stimulating different senses (eg when I feel panic I focus on my feet touching the ground or something I can touch with my hand etc) can help with grounding and stopping emotional overload. It's similar but using the sense of smell. When I light the candles under the oil I am already starting the shift in mind-speed and body tensions. It is 100% psychological for me and a very helpful tool :)
CAN YOU PLEASE PLEASE MAKE A VEDIO ON BPD PERSON DEALING WITH JOB LAID OFF DURING COVID AND EXTREMELY DIFFICULT JOB SEARCHING PERIOD DURING COVID. I am BPD, I am dealing with enormous negativity and bitterness
Just wanted to send you love 🤍 I’ve been through it too, and I know you’ll be okay!!! Be patient and trust yourself
I am a 10/10 borderline personality disorder. I have learned to live with myself. I had some therapy with others of the same disorder. 6 weeks doesn't erase a lifetime of this. My chaotic childhood caused all of this apparently
I feel you. No fast forward buttons to recovery - didn't develop overnight and won't go away overnight either.
@@bpdwoman2564 one must live with this...as so many other personality disorders such as : narccissists!!!
@@malkaringel7864 The good news though is that out of all of the personality disorders, of which there are about 14, BPD has the highest recovery rate!! Recovery is possible with time and decision...it has its own dedicated methodology of recovery(DBT), among tons of research.
I think all of us can learn to live with ourselves more comfortably.💕
@@bpdwoman2564 I am 64 & I try to tamp down some of the impulses that bpd brings out. No need for therapy...but it would've been welcomed at a different stage of my life. I am usually able to do on my own, what no rehab could do...I wish more ppl knew this is available!!!
Malka Rin You are not a disorder, you're a PERSON with the disorder. You are not BPD, you HAVE BPD. It does NOT define you or any of us. One day we can be rid of it too, don't lose hope. 😀
Thank you for the video, Dr. Fox- very helpful info. For me, I find that it's also sometimes difficult to recognize whether my expectations are healthy or unrealistic. On the one hand, I feel I should have some expectation to be treated well by someone but on the other hand it can go to the extreme to where I become easily disappointed by a person. At times it's been tough to know what is healthy and reasonable.
I feel the same way, I start with this expectation of how I feel I should be treated and then when I feel disrespected I freak out and then sink into this feeling of was i wrong or unreasonable or asking for too much or being needy or sensitive and then It turns into me apologising for days and listening to him say how I need to be better, makes you feel like you can’t even trust your own self and intuition 😔
I’m shook watching this bc as it goes on you’re just saying all the things I’m feeling
I was originally diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, now it is BPD. My husband struggles with BPD severely but will not get help. Our marriage is ending after 21 years because I can't handle him anymore. I love him dearly, but he's literally 2 people. Dr. Fox has helped me tremendously. Thank you, Sir😊
I was just referred to your channel and book recently by a friend and am so impressed by the way you break things down easily. If possible, please consider making a video regarding BPD and love/dating and how to let go if it doesn’t work out in the end. I, myself, struggle with letting go , even when I know the relationship was toxic and not making me happy. Any info you can share would be awesome. Thanks.
100% relate. I am defective though, so the only solution is to avoid hopes or expectations.
@JSpider
I often think along those lines too. Best to banish hopes and expectations. Then, I realize I have very few left and those that have remained are worth fighting for. A life without hope is no life at all.
I'm in the process of learning how to better cope with (temporary) disappointment. It proves to be a long and bumpy ride..
But I know I will somehow find the means to persevere.
Wishing you strength and courage.
I feel so too but believing that you’re defective is the core content he’s talking about: don’t listen to your illness ! Good luck 💕
You're listening to some firey core content there Mr Spider.
You're not defective, you're just struggling. You're not bad, you just haven't learned what you need to know to get past it yet. And you deserve the good feeling as well as the bad.
One of my adaptive strategies is I will literally speak out loud to myself as if I am speaking to a friend. I will supportively, confidently, empathically talk to myself in a way that is seeing and hearing the hidden wounded child in me in all the ways that I wish I had someone do for me early in life. This is effective because it creates conscious awareness of my emotional state that often felt abandoned and neglected and needed to act out to be seen. It also allows the adult part of me to come out as well. My counselor used to call this adaptive adult part the wise mind. This It has proven really helpful as over time I do internalize my own wisdom and strength that is coming from the adult in me, (my wise mind) and I effectively am self soothing the wounded part of me.
Can you do a video on why people with BPD have a childlike side?
I have gone from going into a rage even thinking about this stuff, to feeling numb, to feeling relieved and simultaneously NOT okay, to just focusing on understanding this information and like... holding my own hand through the shame of it.
Shame, disappointment and fear are survivable, if you incorporate their meaning with compassion (because pain *does* suck), patience and true understanding, like incorporating new knowledge-- and don't just f!$&ing run or punch.
This was a good video. The breathing thing has *never* come to me because I've *never* let go of my chest, throat or shoulders. I never even allowed myself to look at disappointment or shame, and that requires constantly pulling in at yourself. And it's really physical, for me, because... I never stopped processing stuff like a kid. Life was too f!$&ing scary to even try. And it's like I clenched my fists when I was 10 aaaand... just never let go.
'Til now.. I guess. I finally felt like I breathed this past week. After crying and punching enough things. For *two months*. And then I immediately tried shutting back down, but now I know it's possible.
And there's literally more to life than I thought there was. And shame, disappointment in yourself and others and the world, in the fact that we really don't have control or know things... it's all something you move *through*, not punching or threatening to destroy everything if it doesn't end up like the images and thoughts that you *felt* as a kid... And you literally grow *new feelings*, more complex ones.
And I just realized that.
tl;dr good video 👍
I feel the same often, I can't unclentch. It's hard and I hope it gets better for you, and myself!
I'm very used to getting what I want. Not to come across as entitled, spoilt or arrogant, but I've been lucky in many ways in my life and I am also fairly intelligent, confident and self sufficient. I'm not intimidated by much, and I know I'm extremely capable and competent.
So, when things DON'T go my way, the disappointment actually doesn't register for a while. My first instinct is to refuse to accept it. "No no, don't worry. That's wrong. Here's what I'll do to fix it" is one example of what I might say. At that point, I feel confident, annoyed at being thwarted, but determined.
I then research, explore other options until all are exhausted, communicate eloquently and directly with any associated people, negotiate, lie if I must, and this is how I generally get what I want. If all this still fails and I must accept defeat...I tend to feel anger in amongst the disappointment. I become depressed because I've lost something. (these experiences, by the way, have all been fairly important).
The biggest example was losing my fur baby to complications of Diabetes in 2018, despite going insane with fear of losing him and trying to learn everything I possibly could for 3 years, trying desperately to save him. But I couldn't.
Another example is booking a 2 month vacation from Australia to the USA back in 2014, my first ever overseas trip. 13 states, visiting 3 of my friends over there, and we had tickets to see Fleetwood Mac at Madison Square Garden. Then we found out my partner needed to apply for a visa due to a very minor legal issue 35 years prior. We went through the very long process, and then realised the length of time for the visa issuance was longer than the time we had to still go on the trip. So I had to cancel each and every booking. There were many. None were refundable, but I was very lucky that every hotel and the international flights ended up being refunded (polite persistence combined with lovely empathetic people). We ended up going in 2015.
This year...many disappointments. For everyone in the world I think. Another 2 month vacation cancelled (no money lost), no birthday celebrations, not seeing many of my friends for a whole year, not being able to say one last goodbye to my childhood home before it was sold, as I couldn't fly interstate due to border and quarantine restrictions.
I actually have begun to learn to just...go with it a bit. This is not my natural state. lol.
So yeah...smaller disappointments don't really tend to worry me.
For me...disappointment itself only lasts for so long (and it's not very long). Once I realise I'm simply not going to get what I want or feel that I need, despite all my many determined and persistent efforts, what I then actually feel is...sorrow, pain, numbness, stress, regret, anger, disbelief, indignance, resentment...loss. LOSS. Not disappointment anymore. I don't need to get over and process the disappointment. I need to process the subsequent emotions of overall loss.
At least I never take responsibility for these disappointments. It's not my fault that some things are simply beyond my control. I know I'm capable. I'm very capable. But I can't control everything. No one can. And I'm still learning to better accept that.
I also, this year more than before, find 2 things particularly helpful to remember...
1. You cannot control people and you cannot always control situations, no matter what you do. That is not your choice, and it is not your fault. It's not even A fault - it just IS. It's a reality at that moment.
2. Gratitude. For every disappointment and subsequent adjustment I experience, I try to find something I am grateful for.
I couldn't go on my vacations? Many people can't afford to even go on such long and lovely vacations. I am very lucky that I can.
I couldn't see my friends or my childhood home this year? At least none of those friends and loved ones got sick and/or died. Thank goodness for that.
There's nothing that really can comfort me about losing my cat son. He was only 9 years old. We saved his life many times because we knew him so well and knew when he was in trouble. We extended his life by 3 years, and it was a very happy life. All he knew was love. And that's what matters.
Gratitude vs disappointment gives a bit of perspective.
By the way, I'm 42 and have BPD, MDD, GAD, CPTSD, OCD and other high spectrum personality disorder traits.
I want to say this is your best video yet but I'm probably biased because of how much I benefited from this one. This spoke to what I am going through right now and I am incredibly grateful for all your advice and I am also going to get off my ass and find a new therapist. I've been putting it off since I moved a year ago and this is ridiculous. I can see how much I do need the advice and counsel of a therapist, one who is speaking specifically to me. This video felt like you were but I need that every week. Thank you very much for your effort towards our community.
dr. fox, you seriously inspire me and my whole channel. i feel like i've needed this video my whole life. disappointment can push me to have a full on depressive episode. thanks for putting this into words.
Hey Dr. Fox, can you do a video on BPD and breakups?
I am having a really really really hard time coping with mine and it’s a shame that there is so much stigma saying that those with BPD don’t care and will move on ASAP.
My heart is hurting so much and I can’t move on from him even though I know that we wouldn’t have worked out in the long run.
I feel empty with no desire to keep going as the one thing that made me want to wake up is now gone.
Hold on and get a therapist if you can.
This made cry .. my dad was always emotionally abusive . I’m pretty sure I have an undiagnosed learning disability as well .. so my self worth is not the greatest . 4 years ago after not having seen my dad in a while he yelled at me and told me how much I disappointed him and was worthless .. I broke down crying and had a panic attack. Later on I had ptsd .. and kept telling myself everyday how much I was worthless . A month later while at a restaurant I had what I now know to be a “dissociative seizure” . I was in such a dark place that I just shut down and wanted the pain to end …
Are there videos of cognitive dissonance regarding bpd?
When you're so afraid of abandonment you'll excuse real actual inappropriate behavior? And thus confusing yourself into a twilight zone?
Great video! Waiting on the day that Dr. Fox drops a BPD meditation :D Happy healing to everyone below and have a safe holidays!
I feel extreme disappoint when I have a delayed delivery. Last week UPS lost my package which was a pre-ordered item I have been expected for 4 months, and the new desktop I ordered to reward myself also didn't showed up on the expected date. I became very explosive and start having argument with my friends. This video comes just in time😊.
I can understand 😔 delays, changing plans or canceling are hell. Even if, let's say, a friend has to cancel because they're sick: even if my rational mind understands very well the situation, I can't help but feel extremely resentful.
I can understand. You are not alone. Hang in there. :)
I’ve learned to not take everything so personal. I understand things happen, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt the first few times but then I look at their patterns. If this person is always showing me inconsistencies I know this is not someone I can move forward with. I know myself and an inconsistent person will repeatedly trigger me. When it comes to disappointment such as jobs or opportunities I try to think a No! for this thing is just helping me get closer to my YES! I use a self esteem workbook and it pointed out to never go to your core and pass judgment when your disappointment or make a mistake. For example you don’t get a job that you want. Judge your skills or work history and know that you have to improve them never say to yourself I was not picked because I’m not good enough as a person. That’s going to your core.
I wish u could be my therapist ! My Great supportive boyfriend bought me your book ☺️ I hope this helps in some way ! Thank you sooooo much for even getting into this career and care enough to understand US ! #BPD
Thank you for the video. Disapointment has played such a huge role in my life that I've started to not look forward to things anymore and I am VERY careful not to be too happy (if at all). I am so afraid of being disappointed again that I try to avoid everything that could lead to disapointment.
Glad I could help
I’ve never had a therapist or psychology and I’m 61. Watching your video enlightened me to idea I might be on the BPD spectrum. I’ve received therapy at various times in my life. Thank you for this video - it explains a lot of what has been happening to me at different times in my life. Will look into it more.
I appreciate you and your videos very much. Disappointment--even if the instance is objectively minuscule-- is one of my biggest triggers. I don't know why I continue to have expectations or hopes when they become derailed anyway. One of the worst parts is when I split because someone makes me feel disappointed. It often occurs if I was excited for something, or envisioned something happening a certain way, and it goes wrong. I am able to be externally calm in a lot of stressful situations, but when it comes to people in my life causing the disappointment, it cuts like a knife.
That’s good insight. Use this to build awareness then strategies for self control.
Im going to try lighting a candle... Around this time of the year my rooms will be full of tealights, lol. I think it could be warm and self-validating. My triggers get activated when I experience what I perceive as happy families. Some of it is my perception , but my mom and brother get drunk every day and don't appear to do much else . I sit alone and feel lonely. Oops, Im spiralling. Better light a candle ! Lol..
Me too and I’m gonna try that. I love candlelight but sometimes I think “I’m not worth wasting the wax”. Thanks for reminding me that I can actually use them as a positive affirmation that I’m worth the wax! Holidays can be so tough, good luck 💝
Yes, you ARE worth the wax! You are more than a little bit of shaped wax! And if you don't put it to good use, someone else will. May as well be you!
Thanks Dr. Fox.
Your videos are truely helpful in that they tell of the "disfunctional" way we sometimes think and behave which puts alot of tension /stress in our daily lives.
I have rencenty had to go through another breakup after being happily alone for 2 years, I met what I believed to be thee most beautiful man but only to discover he was a narcissist. More exact a misogynist (not all narcissists are misogynists, but all misogynists are narcissists). I had to end the relationship which was becoming so toxic so quickly leaving me shocked and confused. The utter devastating /disappointment of this reality was alot to go through but it forced me to do research (found your very objective well informed videos), Ive been reading material to help me understand forgiveness and speaking positive words to myself, reading material to help me understand how to handle difficult conversations. Ive cried for days on end (like 3weeks every day) and I am going to find out from a mental health practitioner (had 1 session already last week) on what I can do to better understand myself to make better choices for myself, why do I keep choosing such cruel men as "romantic" partners. Get this core content sorted out for myself. Sometimes it takes tragedy to make us evolve. I am so grateful there are better solutions (adaptive behaviors and not mal- adaptive behaviors) to problems. Ive read that it takes 21days to kick a habit... If you fail, try again and again until you dont do the "wrong thing" for 21days in a row without breaking the new learnt behavior. Thank goodness there are limits to work towards.
Thank you again Dr. Fox for helping us/me in your videos.
Thank you dr fox ❤️
I have a sister who loves to destroy, hide or throw away my things, she is extremely controlling and manipulative and loves to lie. If she isn’t causing emotional pain she’s bored. She will buy things one minute then take them back. She needs to portray herself a nice person but behind closed doors she is a nightmare. It’s insane dealing with her. I’m not sure if she has BPD, narcissism or if she is a sociopath. She has no consciences so she may even be a psychopath. I feel I need to get a peace order against her because nothing stops her. She also has this sadistic laugh when she becomes aggressive. I need to understand what I am dealing with. Can you help giving me a clue on where to start. I can’t pin point what I am dealing with.
I totally get this it's bloody awful
Thank you Dr. Fox 🦊
You're doing great work, millions are grateful to you.
You are very welcome
oh yea i was thinking about making a video on your workbook. it is probably the most helpful mental health workbook i've used to maintain my recovery.
Dr. Fox, you're back!!
And with such practical advice for one of the big stumbling blocks of each and everyone on the BPD spectrum.
Well worth the wait. Thank you.
Hey Dr Fox, can you please do a video on spontaneously recovered memories of trauma and BPD? Also do you have an opinion on therapists trying to recover memories i.e hypnosis?
I think recovered memories that are partial or fragmented flashbacks can bring up a lot of issues around control and self doubt for anyone, but it seems especially challenging for people with BPD.
If you read this thank you, I appreciate all the amazing work you put out. You’re a lifeline for people who can’t access therapy.
Namaste 💓🙏🏻💓
listening to someone be able to explain how i’m feeling when i’m disappointed is so nice. I always struggle to explain to people why a small disappointment rocks my words. i’m happy to have a few ideas to stop the spiral next time.
Thank you Dr. Fox.
I always thought my bpd and disappointment were connected
Thank you so much for all your videos! You explain concepts so well
Thankyou Dr Fox I'm bedridden I got involved in a relationship he lied he got On drugs hid his mobile watching porn very disgusting I thought he was decent. I let it go on too long because he helped me I let myself become codependent on him I've ended it . I thought he was rhe one. Yes living on my own is very scary .
Your videos are so helpful. Thank you so much.
These videos are amazing. Thank you.
Go Dr. Fox!! 🦊
Just what I needed right now 🙌 thank you ❤ I hope everyone who watched this found the same clarity as I did 🖤🤍
This is exactly what I needed to hear after a episode triggered by disappointment. Thank you Dr. Fox! x
Absolutely Brilliant
Thank you Dr. Fox! 💖
Great video. Definitely one that applies to me. Thanks xx
I just ordered your book because of how helpful this video was for me. Thank you so much!!
You are such a blessing!
Time for my therapy session with dr fox lol so thankful for all of your videos
Hard hitting video for me. Spot on.
Thanks, Dr Fox
Dr. Fox is so great for helping with BPD. I even find his voice soothing to listen to. I am going to try the oils as well.
But unmet expectations is a HUGE one for me. Big challenge for sure.
It certainly is. Take one piece at a time. Be well.
At present the disappointment is taking over my life. I know there is need to change a big pattern I have been suppressing my whole life. Its just taking a very long time. Some associates I have hurt while attempting to change. I do beleive there are very good reasons it has taken so long. Part of it is preventing me from taking my own life. I need to heal the most negative aspects of my personality that I have been keeping in check most of my life. If any of this makes sense. Maybe I am still sorting the mess up.
Listened to this again, months later this time and wish I could hit the like button a second time. Thank you Dr. Fox. 💙
I think you’re right about this.
FINALLY U POSTED DOC 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
Thank you Dr 🦊 ! I try to be as mindful as I can but when I feel disappointed I tend to immediately pick up the phone and call my best friend. Trying to do that less often but the thoughts can be so overwhelming!
There are much worse things you can do than call your best friend! I wish I would call my best friend instead of punishing myself.
@@MellieHappyGhost that’s very true and I’m sorry to hear you are in so much pain dear. I hope you have a helpful environment because a loving tribe is so important in getting better. Changing mine made a huge difference, now I don’t feel constantly threatened anymore, and regular sessions with psychologists helped changing my thought and acting patterns. Not gonna lie, I worked hard to get to this point! Lots of love
Haha 😂 I am 57 and still grappling with my coping strategies. Will not give up 🤷♀️
The way I define disappointment is unrealized expectations. Meaning I'm disappointed because I was counting on a different outcome
Expectations can certainly complicate it.
Hi Daniel, I've just finished a 6 mth MBT course. I'm 51 and found it very difficult and exhausting. But I so have hope. I'm now accepted onto an experiential MBT one on one and group therapy course which lasts 2 years. Once a week. Am looking forward to getting better! I get a lot from your videos as weve had to have it online and I get calls from CPN as opposed to face to face which makes it difficult. But there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you 👍🙂🇬🇧
Thing is I have a hard time differentiating that voice from myself because I believe so deeply that these negative things are true and they are genuinely reality, so I can't figure what's a "negative self voice" and what just is.
Journal can help.
Would you consider making a Tiktok account, Dr Fox? The videos are only 60 seconds but it'd be amazing to have another platform to follow you on 😊 thank you for all you do, dr. 🦊
I've been disappointed beyond believe now. I need to forgive to get what i want and need and I'm trying to radically accept this, not like it, just accept it, but i feel so cold, and I'm trying to be different but I'm needing a video on forgiveness to another person.
(I'm leaving this comment on as many recent videos of yours as possible in hopes that you will see me)
Dr Fox, I desperately need your help, I'm a textbook case of BPD amoung many other mental health disorders, it gets bad.....so bad, and I'm fully aware of the who what when when and why, I just cannot control myself, alot of damaging things have happened in my world in a very short period of time, iv literally lost everything, (mind you this is not the first time I've lost everything) idk how to do this on my own, iv seen many counselors, psychiatrist, psychologists you name it, but noone has even scratched the surface. I've been fighting for my own mental health alone for decades, iv been on many medications, but still no change.
I'm desperate, I'm drowning, YOU and only you are the only person in this world who I feel can help me, iv watched all your videos, there's always a video that you have made that pertains to what I'm going through at every moment, but then when you're gone so am I.
I have no one, I have no one to talk to, no family, no friends, I don't even have my son at the moment, I know you're in the states and I'm in Canada, but I'm begging you, I NEED YOUR HELP... More now than ever, or this could end very badly for me, it seems like you know me, I'm pretty sure you know what I'm talking about.
You probably have millions of people, clients, that come to you on a daily basis, and I know I'm only one little speck that means nothing to anyone, it wouldn't matter if I died from this, because how is my death going to change this world? I will have had suffered for nothing, I would have suffered just to die, if I can do anything good in this world, it would be not just being a textbook example of BPD but I'd like to be the textbook example of how to get better from it. But I need your help and your help alone to do this.
I know that comments flood in all the time and I'm probably lost in the midst of them all, but I truly hope and pray that you see me, because I need help, and I think I really need YOU to help me help myself.
If you've read this thank you, I really truly hope that maybe you could take an interest in who I am as an individual and not put me in a group with a million other people like every other psychiatrist has, I need to be heard I want to be seen and I want to be fixed!
I know it takes work, your videos have taught me a lot, that's the first thing that I learned from you, but I can't do this alone anymore... please help me Dr Fox I have nowhere else to turn.
-Holly
Hi Holly
I can't wait for the dating video 😭 I'm so stricken rn
Couldn't agree more! I feel you. Going thu this right now too. Hang in there!
Thank you 🙏
ADHD dx here. I love how Dr Fox explains emotional re-regulation techniques. They work for me, too. We also become dysregulated from disappointment, but I think we have a different trauma response. We tend to have control issues more than abandonment issues, (we might be on the opposite wing of the clinic! 😁🙏) so it doesn't occur to us to look here for help with this.
someone told me about your youtube channel... i checked it out and i like the content... so i sunscribed :P could you make a video about "Quite" Borderline in the future,,, i cannot find a lot of information about that...
I’ve tried to tolerate my disappointment to the extend that the person I used to close to giving me a lot of red flags into the relationship. Even as simple to keep the relationship smoothly going is such a world war in my head.
I try hard not to blame myself nor that person, but I realize after the cut the contact off with the person phase passed I’m still struggle to become a whole again, and it takes lifetime for me. That’s why I’d rather to be a close book and whole rather than to be opened and broken after.
Thank you so much
You’re welcome
Thanks for c.c in portuguese, Dr Fox. 🇧🇷🌻
Just gotta say you're looking great for 50!
I treat myself to some tea, and ice cream, chocolate, or biscuits 😊 Best disappointment ever 🙃
😂
I can't do that. Even the thought of it frightens me. That half hour of waiting will feel like hell whole burning eternity [and I'll not even know to any given point it's only half an hour. So what could I relax on? What could I believe in]. Whenever I start tactics to calm myself down it feels like sabotaging myself. This is so hard to describe. It feels like digesting your own self.
Terrific Dimples. Keep smiling Doctor! 👏🏼👀
Thank you so much for your kind words! I appreciate your support and encouragement. Keep smiling too!
This is something I really struggle with. A series of disappointments will have me in a downward spiral of self loathing and devaluing myself. I struggle when job hunting - firstly in sitting in front of others saying positive things about myself. I feel lime a fraud and words stick in my throat and won't come out. If I am succesful I basically say - are you kidding?!!! If i am not sucessful then I really destroy myself for weeks or months afterwards. I don't blame them for not wanting me....why would they. I avoid interviews which is no good if I need employment. I stay with employers a long time and avoid promotion opportunities. That said I have walked out of a couple of jobs where bullying has really triggered me.
I honestly don't know how to overcome it at all.
Thanks 🌞🌛🌟💓
You are so welcome
Hi Dr. Fox. Was wondering if you would consider making a video on schizotypal and bpd? The differences and similarities, whether both disorders can be present in one individual, etc. Regardless thank you for all that you do
So true. I have been doing this for years.
Dr. Fox, you always seem to put out the exact video that is relevant to my daughters struggles when she’s going through them! Thank you for giving us a very level headed insight with whats happening and how to handle this issue.
i always wondered why disappointment is such a heavy emotion that i feel, i feel it far more intensely than anger or anxiety. it's like a punch to the chest, tears in the eyes, stomach dropping to the floor. it's such a horrible reaction to simple disappointments, typically the closer i am with the person/to the situation, the heavier i feel it, and it's debilitating.
Track it and identify those specific triggers. Then, develop adaptive strategies to manage the reaction. A mental health provider may be able to help you with this. Be well.
nobody ever has realistic examples in these "situations". Every book, every video - it's some silly thing. not some massive life problem. It's as if im being gaslit by the work books and so on. "things aren't that bad", just deal with it.... actually what's happening is pretty damn bad, how do i find a way to cope with that kind of disappointment? actually that's not the right word lol. i would say distraught, or falling apart - & it's not from distorting the situation, it's because things are really really not ok, and Im losing my ability to cope with the awfulness. So idk , all these things gaslighting me & telling me my world view is distorted when I'm being emotionally abused & I spend every day in extreme physical pain that nobody seems to be able to help me with & now the only person who cares at all will be leaving soon - 🤣🤣 Life is fantastic
This is exactly what happens with my partner who has BPD. If I do something without knowing it will disappoint her she goes into a downward spiral. She will start talking to her ex's and then try to hide it from me when she feeling better. Says I don't know why I do these things and apologizes. The problem is in a few months she will probably do the same thing again but her behavior has slightly changed and she is never overly flirtatious. I struggle with are we getting better or is this going to become a bigger problem
My lifetime disappointment beaker is overflowing (no family because 2 siblings locked up mom, let her die, stole all her money and resulted in entire family distancing from each other). And yes, Fox is spot on about self-punishment. But, I keep going back to God. This Christmas, I continue to be alone. However, scripture states, "Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting with strife (Proverbs 17:1)." So, I have decided to trust this alone-time as God's will for me -- no feasting with poison family, rather, quiet with cheerios, banana, and milk. Anyway, I think Fox's examples are trivial...let's talk about Real Devastation -- being stood up for a date is NOT devastation. Losing your family is. I would like to know the reason behind self-punishment.
Can you please, please, please make a Spotify podcast?
Like you will never recover ..
Disappointment = disturbance to an attachement to xyz
Be aware of what you are attached to
Know you will be well even if you loose xyz
For those on the BpD spectrum..what is a good frame of time for stability with DBT.
I heard a year...
How frequent would expected for treatment sessions. Ie weekly?? or monthly??
LIFE. It is a lifelong practice. I've done about 6 full rounds. My DBT psychologists seems to agree/recommend that you complete 1 full round of all 4 modules, and then repeat it. That way, you get more muscle memory out of them. The first round is just learning all the skills, but then by the 2nd round, hopefully the skills are becoming easier to manage. So, about 10-11 months in back to back DBT. You didn't learn your behaviors/nor did BPD develop overnight, and they won't go away overnight.
But, I can attest that it does work! I used to be in weekly therapy, and then diminished it two every two weeks, and now am not in therapy. There is no one way solution for all ,just what works for you:) Be effective, is my motto. I hope this helps:)