Aggressive, Assertive, Passive, Passive-Aggressive Styles and Borderline Personality
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- Опубліковано 11 лис 2019
- Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox: goo.gl/LQEgy1
In this video I discuss the good, bad, and problematic behavioral styles: aggressive, assertive, passive, and passive-aggressive, and how they related to those with BPD traits and those with borderline personality disorder.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: goo.gl/sZYhym
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
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Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
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Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
I wish people understand how hard it is to be assertive when you grow up not being ok to express your feelings, emotions and opinions. More so, when it felt unsafe to be speak your mind, so with time, you end up being passive and consequently aggressive. I get how hard it is to deal with someone with BPD, but it also helped people with BPD if people are more understanding, open minded and communicative.
I can't STAND when I'm having to be assertive through streaming tears!!!
@@rhobot75 True! Like I am already in pain and I need someone to have my best interest, and it does not help when you are dealing with someone who is not understanding and worst if this person is selfish
Why be assertive? Just Be. If someone doesn’t share your values, wish them well, move out and move on
@@holographicc6974 Of course you can move out and move on when someone is not very close and you do not really have to deal with them, but in some cases when you care about the person and want to maintain relationship, then it is situation and challenge for someone with BPD to communicate their feelings and opinions and the other person to be good listener and open minded. I find with BPD; it is indeed group effort and safe environment that is much needed.
@@holographicc6974 That is lame. Are you a man?? Go away, with the Pleiadian brothers and sisters and the grid and lightworkers and etc. Remember my name, so you don't comment anywhere near me again, and don't comment- I'm using my narcissism skills, thanks.
Thank you for another awesome video!
Im a "quiet" borderline and I had core content super triggered in a relationship and instead of panicing or sending needy texts about the uncertainty i had, i just reached out and let the person know that i had been triggered but didnt want to take things the wrong way and i wanted to understand better, so if/when they had time if they could text me and touch base that i would appreciate it. Then I stayed productive after that instead of waiting for a text back or being passive aggressive. I did better at asserting myself today!
I've listened to so many channels on BPD and you are by far the most helpful to me. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your knowledge and time with us. It means more than you know! You are a godsend.
I'm totally agreed...if you want know more, I'm creating a playlist about BPD. You can find it in my profile
@@etna0025 Thank you!
BPD is merely a maladaptive PTSD response from being terrorized. Get away from creeps and live in Peace
I agree.... He explains every disorder in a helpful step by step for us to understand it better , such a great job
#YOUR NEXT SUBCRIBER 👍🔔
Until this video I thought I was too assertive, but now I realize I'm not assertive enough until the time has already passed. That's a really interesting perspective shift. Thank you for your videos.
There is a third option: Just Be
I grew up being "muted" that as an adult I teeter on Passive..and Passive aggressive. Thank you Dr. Fox. Awesome topic per usual👍
Yeah, but when you realize these toxics muted us bc they were maladaptive and couldn’t handle anything outside their immediate programming, you will stop and realize It Was Never You. Just Be. Speak softly but speak/ if they don’t play nice, take your toys and move on.
I wish you were somehow compensated financially or otherwise for the amazing amount of help you've provided through your videos. An indicator that you're hitting a topic exactly accurately is how many times I have to replay the video to make sure I wasn't letting myself get distracted (a self-sabotage technique I have caught myself doing when someone is telling me uncomfortable realities)
Your workbook has been so helpful, your videos: life-changing.
Thanks. You are very appreciated.
He gets paid through the ads. He gets enough views for that.
i grew up with a verbally abusive father who never let anyone express their feelings or thoughts and would scare everyone into silence with his alcoholic fits of rage. This I feel might be my core content of avoidance with communication because i have trouble expressing my needs and feelings with people. It seems unnatural to be assertive like I am going against this resistance inside when there is a confrontation that involves my feelings.Dr. Fox is absolutely right on this one.The trajectory for me is other core content is triggered from the distorted lens--> i start getting angry and hurt--> then i get passive aggressive -->it builds up--> i explode because my needs aren't met--> i split the person--> I rage at them and break it off--> i ghost them--> i feel numb for about a month or so--> the intense grief and sadness surfaces because of the loss-->i become bed bound and isolated and can't function the emotions are too much-->i engage in bad coping behaviors--> the other person is devastated, hurt, and confused. Repeat.
I'd like to thank you it's not often I hear positive momentum for people suffering with this.
You're very welcome. I'm glad the video was helpful. Be well.
The other day, I was assertive living with my brother-in-law. He had his bedroom door open and the T.V. was unusually loud. I looked right at him and said "Can I close your door?" I know he heard me, but he walked into his bathroom and ignored me. He ignores me a lot! I then asked again the same question. When I did not get a response. I slammed his door so that it would make a loud noise. Then he finally responded by yelling "Why did you slam the door?" I then said " Can you turn your T.V down it's kinda loud" (Actualy there was no kind of about it.) He then shouted "YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSSINESS!......We then got into a heated argument with Me yelling taking care of myself is my business. His wife was in the kitchen..........I later explained to her what happened she acted like she blamed me for the tension. I have a torn meniscus in my left leg and I have to wak on crutches. I still have to live with this piece of work.......And I'm pissed off about it.
These are certainly challenging situations and it’s difficult to provide specific feedback in the comment section. I would encourage you to seek out mental health provider that can help guide you through this challenging process. Be well
Can you make a video of inner child, parent and adult and what are their roles in BPD? Thank you! ☺️☺️
I was just diagnosed as Borderline today after many years of thinking I only had anxiety and depression. Since, I’ve been watching your videos and I’ve been noticing a lot of things I’ve done in the past or still do and just wow.... it’s nice to finally know WHY I’ve felt/ done these things throughout my life.
Borderline is a BS term. Like a psychiatrist told me once: Get rid of the jerks in your life, there is nothing wrong with you.
Words can't convey how grateful I am to be able to turn to your videos in times of hardship. I really needed this right now. Thank you for all that you do.
This is an excellent video. Thank you so much.
You're amazing Dr. Fox. I am on a quest to watch all your videos regarding BPD. I can't thank you enough for speaking and educating the world about this disorder. Help for me oftentimes feels out of reach
I’m so glad that you find the information helpful. I wish you all the best.
Thank you so much, I was getting separated from my wife. She was leaving me and she told me I was passive aggressive. I didn’t know what that meant so I looked it up. I went through a checklist of passive aggressive. I found a few things like, I’m sarcastic, I’m sometimes passive. I’ll let things happen and I don’t do anything because I’m trying to keep the relationship together and not be too aggressive. Because I’ve been told in the past I’m very aggressive, so I try to hold that back. But I also have been a manager most of my life, so I tried to be assertive and get things done.
This video helped me very much. I see now I need to be assertive like I was in the military and as a manager in civilian life and tell people what I want and how I feel, especially about my emotions and my relationship with them and interaction, and give them time to respond and tell me how they feel about my response to them . Patience is very important, but you can’t become passive, and at the same time you don’t want to be aggressive and push too hard to get an answer.
I would really like to have her back as my wife, but she’s pretty much made up her mind so moving into other other relationships. I want to not make the same mistakes I made in this one.
It's great to hear that the video was helpful for you. It sounds like you've gained some valuable insights about yourself and your relationships.
I swear, every video you post is perfect timing for me 😂❤️❤️ thank you again for another helpful video! I do the work everyday to become healthy in my thinking & behaviors 💕
Thank you Dr Daniel fox for these videos they are very helpful to me understanding myself more
Thank You for your effort and time.
Your videos help me understand myself and validate my thoughts into words if that makes sense
Thank you😘
Thank you so much!!! Your so wise and helpful!!!
You are welcome!
my wife and I just watched this. I am in a VA program called SAH and I a in the program because I am definitely passive Aggressive and not very assertive. I can't believe I am just discovering this at 74
This is all so true. I've definitely been overly passive. I start with passivity, then either get passive aggressive or straight to aggressive. But being assertive can be hard I think because I have this idea in my mind that if I'm assertive and what I want doesn't happen then that failure to have my needs met will hurt too much and I won't be able to handle it. That's why the passivity/waiting happens. I know logically in my mind that yes, being assertive is the best way and it's often easier to do than I work it up as in my mind.
Getting your need met is not the purpose of life. Other people have needs also. This seems to be the major issues with borderlines, they are only concerned about their own needs and have no ability to understand that sometimes you dont get what you want and sometimes its about other people and compromises and stuff. This is what i have seen on all borderlines, they are completely and utterly self focused.
And your comment kinda summed it up well for me. Its all about your needs.
@@nobodynowhere5213 that's not true actually but you've managed to assume a lot about me as a whole just because of one comment. You don't know me so don't act like you do. I focus a lot on the needs of others often more than my own and tend to feel ashamed of the fact that I even have personal needs. Just because I'm scared of getting hurt, doesn't mean I only think about my needs and I think it's a dangerous generalisation for you to just lump all people with the same diagnosis in a box like that as if you have it all worked out.
Dweller Of The Earth my experience with people with BPD is that they do think about what other people want but usually in terms of how they can make that work for themselves. They deny this until the cows come home but it’s obvious to anyone close to them.
@@nobodynowhere5213 not true. I agree that getting your own needs met is not the purpose of life however that is not the main focus for all borderlines. BPD is different for each person like myself who leans more towards the quiet borderline style. I grew up with a narcissistic emotionaly abusive mother so my emotional needs where rarely to never met. Resulting in no self worth always putting others needs ahead of my own. The thought of putting my needs ahead of others is enough to trigger me. That's why a balance is good to voice your needs sometimes to gain some self worth to function in society. That's the point of this video to see and understand how your Bpd affects you or the ones around you so you can change those negative behaviours.
@@bra2706 I am with you on this and also have more quiet borderline traits like yourself.
Didn't realize I needed to address this thanks
Hi Dr. Fox! Just a thought: could you make a video that includes the topic of feeling contempt towards others (as someone with BPD)? this would be interesting and insightful :))
Great video. These always help me so much! I was wondering if you could do a video on psychosocial functioning difficulties in BPD patients, and your thoughts on Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) or any other therapies that can assist patients in understanding how to socialize and think like other people.
It is strange how you can hit me with such uncomfortable truths in such a reassuring way that I keep coming back for more 😁
Good stuff
One thing I notice is the explainations in a conversation can't be too long unneccesarly because I am going to start to lose the line of what you are trying to say,straight simple step by step explaination of things works like magic with me.It is like I am already dealing with stuff so I want people I interact with to go straight to the point or I will start to get bothered.I can't stand slow people or people who are not straight forward.I am dealing with BPD by the way.I am working on the trauma and real causes more than just try to fix my symptoms.Thank you for the videos,my "healing" process started from this channel
Im early. Can't wait to watch this. ^^
Hi dr daniel fox thnks for all the great videos . I have bpd and i daydream all the time , i dont do anything unless daydream and imagining about past , future , etc sometimes i feel bad / good depends of the thoughts , and i got lost and forgot time , how to stop this daydreaming habit ? Thanks xx
I am ok at being assertive with reasonable people. It's the passive aggressive and openly aggressive people that I can't deal with. I usually just shut down and take it because I am afraid that I will blow up. Eventually they move on or I move on so I just wait it out. I feel like a coward.
I relate to this so much.
Idk how to be assertive with out being aggressive it something I struggle with.
Hello Dr Fox
I am Vidya I am from India
I cant get proper access to treatment from the remote place I stay.
However I am so glad I can see your videos and learn abt my condition BPD
Thankyou for being there
Wish I could meet you once
Regards n love
Vidya
+Vidya Patil 🦊👍
Love ur videos. Could you please make one about coping with BPD/NPD traits in the workplace? Coping with co-workers, tension in the workplace, emotionality, false beliefs/paranoia, fear of failure, and increasing productivity as a person with PD in a workplace? How to not get fired maintain long term employment and any tips. Thank you.
Yo Dr Fox;
I just want to comment to say that my wife and I hope you and your family have a most excellent Thanksgiving !
Hey Fox, I just came across your videos. My wife has BPD, and has been in and out of treatment lots of regressions. Your videos have been super enlightening and I've subscribed. I have a question though. She is passive at first and then becomes aggressive. She hasn't worked in over a year and a half due to destructiveness in the workplace, shes at home all day, an I know she needs to get out. Yesterday she texted me while I was working saying that she needed help to get out of the house, she had showered but just couldn't make it out on her own. When I arrived at home I made contact with a kiss and some touching sat down, we had a mild conversation that i than directed to us heading out. Now she does this things where she knows she needs to go out, I know she needs to go out, but she sits still and just lets me throwout ideas until I say something she feels like, and if I cant get to the right one quick enough she becomes passive taking my ideas in for 5-20 minutes then becomes aggressive. I'm not a mind reader and she never contributes to ideas of getting her out. She said that she didnt feel connected to me, and that we didnt talk about her anxiety, and it's like i dont know, i just cant make sense, and this is like 90% of the situation. She needs to eat, I know it she knows it, this situation again. She wants to watch a movie. its all the time, I just I don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart though. plz reply.
is there any link between bpd and anthropomorphizing animals/inanimate objects? maybe it's because i was homeschooled as a kid and therefore didn't have many opportunities to make friends, but i always find myself giving personalities and human-like identities to things that simply don't have that. my brother, who's finishing up his master's in psych, said that it could be a way to cope with my fear of abandonment by seeking out companionship with things that are more or less unable to leave me, since it's a pet that looks to me to provide it with necessities, or an object that... can't move on it's own. but my brother hasn't done much studying on bpd specifically, i was wanting to pose this question to others to see what they thought about it.
Mal yes, many people with BPD have transitional objects that bring them great comfort. Be well.
Hi dr daniel fox , i have bpd , and i think i have maladaptive daydreaming i am always fantasiize and imagining things most all the time . Can u help? Thnks
I clicked on this because I saw it was Dr Fox and I'm trying to figure out how to deal with my passive aggressive partner, but I'm the person with BPD, not my partner hahaha
What? Oh geez! Starting for a 4th time. hahah I'm TRYING! haha
Hi. Dear doctor, I'm from Brazil and there are some videos from your youtube channel that I would like to contribute with portuguese subtitles, but for that to happen, you would need to make that available in your channel. Can you do that? There's an automatic subtitle from youtube but it's not good and it's confusing. Hope you'll take that into consideration; I'm not a profissional in that but I kind of understand English and I have a loved one with BPD and I think your videos could be really helpfull. Thank you.
Hi I bought your book and downloaded the worksheets its really helpful so far there is alot to work on. I have been looking for one or two worksheets I can do on a daily basis that would help me improve my symptoms I dont have as much time as I would like to go through all of them every day with two kids. Are there certain ones you would recommend or consider making some in the future?
+caitlyn Smith i think finding the ones that speak to you and help you would be best to go over and use on a regular basis. Building coping strategies and insight is critical. I wish you well.
What if you can’t be assertive because the person you’re being assertive towards will turn against you and manipulate you into shutting up and make you think you’re wrong for being assertive? I’m essentially not allowed to be assertive without being told I’m wrong for doing so then having to apologize
❤ I'm there with you on this
Ovation guitar?
i have tried to be more assertive but am getting to the point of why bother. i told the dad of my sons i wanted to speak to his doctor because the dad didnt give the doctor full family history, and now the doctor put my son on medication not knowing the full history. i said it was not the dads fault and that i know the dad is only trying to help our son. i left his house and we were laughing and all smiles the dad was going to call the doctor to sort an appointment for me..... now just over a month later and the dad has stop all contact between me and my sons yet again. i have managed to get an appointment luckily its 30min before my sons so will get to have a hug from him, but now what do i do. he will hate me going to the doctors and stop me seeing my sons for a lot longer but i have to speak to the doctor to make sure he has a better idea of how to treat my son. but worried that with my contact with my sons being stopped and restarted all the time is gonna mess them up :( i dont want to stay away till they are old enough to decide if they want me in there lives but the dad stoping and months later restarting all contact between me and my sons is really bad for them aswell. I already worried how my bpd will mess my son up and now this. I just want my sons to be happy and not messed up like me.
👍
Is it normal that i am on the bpd spectrum and usually interract with assertivity ??
not every time, but im trying to work on that
Ehi...every BPD is different...and no one has 100% typical BPD
I'm assertive with my needs and wants but my bpd partner takes it as domination. I am willing to compromise obviously but I never get that chance because he is having an episode as soon as I express what I want
This can certainly be challenging. Working together to find strategies to discuss each other's concerns may be of help.
Hi! I live in Houston Texas and was recently diagnosed with BPD. Are you currently taking new patients?
+Jessica Perez I’m afraid I am not.
Dr. Daniel Fox would you able to recommend a website or group that has or specializes in personality disorders? I’ve never experienced treatment and would love your insight! Thanks so much 🕊
Integrity 💯😊🎉❤
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
My passive aggressive friend was pretending to be so nice for more than a year and the moment I say no to an invitation to a party during thg e pandemic, that's when the game started for him. To me is creepy and malicious.
Omg. Me.
The first five minutes anyway.
I'm passive for a little until I'm aggressive.
I've paid $35 grand to buy my in-laws-house and the rest is comming int the mail from Fidelity Investments. I am taking a big loss in the stock market to purchase a home that is not wheelchair assessible. I don't want to have to evict my in-laws once it's paid for. I'm now no longer sure I want my husband's name on the house, even though I have signed papers with his name on the house. PLEASE GIVE ME SOME ADVICE. I can only get therapy through zoom and every thing I say outloud my in-laws can here.
There are easy people and then there are difficult people. Difficult people have many forms of brain damage-stay away from them. They talk a lot and cause more problems talking stupid, with no results to show. They’re also very reactive and emotional. Emotions are dangerous and destructive (as opposed to feelings that are peaceful and loving). This planet is struggling with a lot of difficult people bc humanity is outdated, these symptoms are merely a form of malfunctioning maladaption, a form of mass hysteria as a response to a forced merger called Singularity. What they are is fine, just don’t marry them or interact with them.
I'm passive aggressive and I hate myself
Passive Aggressive People Managers and Retai employees will give the silent treatment to specific customers then wonder why those big spenders buy $800 keyboards from other businesses. Remember that Guitar Store in Redmond, WA.😂
Tom Brown Music just got paid.😅