When The One You Love has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
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- Опубліковано 13 тра 2024
- When The One You Love has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder)
Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:
In English: goo.gl/LQEgy1
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This video will discuss helpful tips and strategies for those parents, partners, or children who have loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD traits. I also discuss the family system and the challenge people have trying to breakout of that family role due to the system that is usually in place. I have created a worksheet for you as well, here's the link: www.drdfox.com/worksheets
Lastly, I suggest some books for parents, partners, or children who have loved ones with Borderline Personality Disorder, or BPD traits:
Kreger, K. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder
Mason & Kreger Stop Walking on Eggshells
Manning, S. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder
Fjelstad, M. Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and award winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 15 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:
The Clinician’s Guide to Diagnosis and Treatment of Personality Disorders: goo.gl/ZAVe9v
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children: www.amazon.com/Narcissistic-P...
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD -COMING SOON-
Dr. Fox has been teaching and supervising students for over 15 years at various universities across the United States, some of which include West Virginia University, Texas A&M University, University of Houston, Sam Houston State University, and Florida State University. He is currently a staff psychologist in the federal prison system, Adjunct Assistant Professor at University of Houston, as well as maintaining a private practice that specializes in the assessment and treatment of individuals with complex psychopathology and personality disorders.
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
UA-cam: / drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: goo.gl/1X1vhR
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
References:
Bailey, R. C., & Grenyer, B. S. (2015). The relationship between expressed emotion and wellbeing for families and carers of a relative with borderline personality disorder. Personality And Mental Health, 9(1), 21-32.
Hudson, J. I., Zanarini, M. C., Mitchell, K. S., Choi-Kain, L. W., & Gunderson, J. G. (2014). The contribution of familial internalizing and externalizing liability factors to borderline personality disorder. Psychological Medicine, 44(11), 2397-2407.
Me and my gf came to the conclusion that she has to have this yesterday. It’s been 2 and a half years of what I can only explain as a Emotional roller coaster ride every day and week. It got to the point many times that I felt like I was going insane (not trying to offended any one) with her ultimatums and thinking only in black and white with no grey area or compromising. I thought to myself over and over, that something isn’t right. Her constant insecurities, fear of abandonment (and it only made it worse when I would ACTUALLY leave), trust issues, self harm or threats of suicide, what can sometimes feel like “Manipulation”, extreme anger at the drop of the dime, self destructive behavior constantly, substance abuse (mainly Xanax which who wouldn’t want to calm down honestly) and even dissociation . I always knew something wasn’t okay, but I’m not a psychiatrist and I feel like many of us struggle with some form of mental illness just at different intensities. Some one with bpd can’t control what they say or do, but to THEM it feels real or surreal and in that moment wether it’s love or hate they FEEEEEL it. Imagine your worst break up ever and then feeling that way about something seemingly small every day. I’m sorry if I’m not giving the best metaphors or examples, I only just realized what this really is yesterday. I honestly thought the hurtful spiteful mean things that she would say to me were purposeful and she meant it and IN THAT MOMENT she might really mean it. But every single time like clockwork it subsides in a very short time span like a literal hour and is replaced with regret or maybe apologies. I used to struggle with being able to tell if I was purposefully strategically being manipulated, but I wasn’t. For them the way they lash out is because of fear of abandonment and it’s not like the orchestrated ways to manipulate you, it’s a heat of the moment fight or flight response due to real or made scenarios in their heads. BUT UNDERNEATH IT ALL she is one of the most amazing, loving, kind hearted, Intelligent, empathetic, and rational person I know and I don’t wish to change her for my own selfish gain, I want her to adapt and find her own inner peace. I also understand self diagnosing isn’t a good thing but out of 9 symptoms or signs we both agree that she has atleast 7 and possibly the full 9. I KNOW it’s hard, but I’m going to get through this with her and for her because if no one else does I see the inner beauty waiting to come to the surface. If you love some one with it or you think u may have it you are not alone I want as many people to see this as possible, So Thank you for reading guys!
How are things going with you and your gf 7 months later?
Wow. i can only hope and wish for this. For someone to be understanding me completely and together work on it. Help me work on it. Amazing words. I'm going to copy and share this with hopefully my future partner.
Well said Dave and I commend your perseverance with your loved one
@@freefall0483 I can guess. Nobody should live like this sorry
i know it’s bad to diagnose someone but my ex is exactly what you just described. the only way i could describe our relationship was that we had high highs and low lows. it was a rollercoaster of emotions. i ended things with him after i confronted him on a lie he said then i found out it’s a series of lies. he literally lies for no reason, no purpose and the truth wouldn’t have hurt at all! he previously also lied about self harming, he said he hurt himself and got admitted to the hospital then i found out he didnt, i believe he was scared i’d break up with him after a big argument we had, and manipulated me into sticking with him. is serial lying a big factor in bpd? it’s extremely heartbreaking.
It’s so hard not to take it personally when they snap. And you just wanna be there for them and you don’t want to give up because you love them so much
It is man .. understanding what they have made it a little easier .. before I didn’t know my girlfriend had this and I couldn’t explain how or why she reacted certain ways .. I literally thought I was insane then learning about this I came to understand it better and how to react when she’s experiencing symptoms . Still hard regardless but what isn’t ? I mean seriously what human doesn’t have some sort of mental condition nowadays .. whether it’s anxiety , depression , BDP , NPD , bipolar etc . I have depression and she’s so understanding when I’m having an episode ,, I’m a little cold and distant during that time and she never gets mad at me so how could I when she’s having an BDP episode ? It’s tough but it can work I think if you work together and especially if they realize their problem .. if they don’t acknowledge it .. it’s just a lost cause
I wish I had someone that didn't give up on me, everyone has so far
I have BPD and my mom has traits, so I know what it feels like to be on both sides. Try to think of BPD as a stomach bug. Would you take it personally if someone pooped their pants in your presence? Because this is what it is. A reaction to the BPD bug, not to you.
One other thing that I'd advise you to do is to gently communicate your feelings AFTER they've calmed down. Tell them you love them and and that this is why you want to talk to them about your feelings. Don't use phrases like "I love you, BUT"; it sounds like an attack. Use phrases like "I love you, SO (I want you to know...)" I've been in a really healthy relationship for the last 10 months, have some great friendships and a stable relationship with my mom and my brother despite my BPD, and I can tell you that clear communication is one of the most important components. I rarely snap nowadays (though I used to have multiple meltdowns in a day) and, after I do, we always communicate how both sides felt at the moment. It's very hard for me to hear how I made the other person feel and it sometimes triggers my self-destructive urges, but I know from my relationship with my mom how important it is for both of us to calmly discuss what happened. And, whatever you do, DO NOT SHAME THEM for anything. Shame only triggers more destructive behaviours. Patience, love and communication are the keys. And remember: it is like pooping their pants due to having a stomach bug. It is nothing personal.
@@AnaDabmian Hi Ana!! My GF of almost a year now has BPD, she has great issues socially with her family, friends and basically social interactions as a whole. As her boyfriend I don't really know what to do most of the time, you mentioned clear communication being really important, but when I tell her communicating with her family could help she mentions their lack of care. Could it truly be that her family members are just this careless towards her to the point of causing several extreme meltdowns and a lot of selfharm? or is it an issue of communication?
@@amrelbedewy444 Hi. :)
As I have not met her family, I can not tell for sure whether she is just splitting on them or they truly are careless. Clear communication requires BOTH sides to be ready and able to communicate efficiently. As she obviously has a problem with it, I'd dare to say that her parents do as well, or otherwise they would have thought her better communication skills. The belief that someone doesn't care about you doesn't come from nowhere; even if they do care (which is, statistically, more likely), they probably have trouble showing it to her, or at least had it while she was growing up.
For someone in your position, I think it doesn't matter much whether they are truly entirely careless or if it's just her perception. Because, FOR HER, IT IS REAL EITHER WAY. As her boyfriend, it is not your job to "fix" her belief system; your job is to support her and show her that you understand her feelings and respect her decisions even when you don't quite agree with how she perceives something.
Because, if you keep pushing her, it's far more likely that she will split on YOU, in the end, than change her mind about people who, obviously, hurt her in one way or another.
So, try to focus on YOUR relationship with her. ALWAYS RESPECT HER REALITY, even when you don't quite agree with it. If you manage to create a feeling of safety in the relationship between the two of you (which, as far as I know, all of us with BPD crave), she is far more likely to heal and, subsequently, be more open to fixing her relationship with her family (unless they truly are careless monsters, in, which case, she will stay away from them with less confusion).
I hope that answers your question. :) If you want to ask something else, feel free to.
Ana
#1 tips : It's not always your fault, don't feel guilty for how she feels all the time. That doesn't mean to not care, but don't take it personally.
Agreed I’ve learned to take it day by day be positive.
It’s very hard to NOT take it personally when you’re being constantly attacked verbally with insults and lies.
Currently I'm married to a man with BPD coupled with Dysthymia and severe anxiety its been absolute hell. One second its amazing hes the sweetest we get along well, the next he raging mean yelling, then I distance myself just for him to feel abandoned by me I get close again feeling bad, then BOOM another episode. Feels like manipulation but I know it's just an illness. I'm loosing myself in the process I've never been this unhappy in my life
Update: it's been a whole year since I've made this post and I'm proud to say I've finally built enough courage to leave. It doesn't get better and it took me a while to accept this. Anyways, I'm the happiest I've ever been and IM FREEEEEE 💗
@lola a It’s very hard and if he’s amazing give him a chance this is treatable and I pray for you I am going through the same thing and my wife is in your shoes do not give up
Has it gotten better? Going through this right now...
@@sydneypeck2619 just leave, you're wasting your life, health, and sanity on someone that is fundamentally broken. No counter points, just leave. It is a giant web of craziness and will just drag you down and in to it. The highs or whatever aren't worth it. Your compassion isn't worth it.
I am your husband. What you are describing is what I hear from partners.
All i can say with a heavy heart. Leave. You have to, HAVE, to put your mentally first. There is not other way.
I'm literally saying. leave me, for your own good. 💔💔💔
@@pr8872 I'm contemplating it. But I know I should leave
I like this guy because he gives hope to those with BPD and those who are in relationship with them.
On the other hand let's not forget that being in a relationship with someone who has severe BPD and who's not treated can just destroy you and your entire life, it can litterally turn you into an unrecognizable wreck.
A living hell for sure 😢
@@andreahageman1270 Amen
to hell with having a relationship with someone with bpd their like narcs their fake as hell they talk noting but nonesense
becuase they have a broken reality disorder they have no footing in reality what so ever their deluded you cant have a healthy relationship with someone like
that your more than likly go insane as result and take on the disorder all they do is lie like narcs
I agree, but anyone can have the potential to unintentionally destroy you....not just people with bpd, though given the super sensitive emotions, yes, it is difficult for all concerned. Some of the most toxic people are the so called judge's (white coated sepulchre's)who aren't diagnosed with a personality disorder, and some of the most loveliest of souls are those with bpd.
I stay away from family. They are super-destructive to positive changes I have worked so hard on the past years. Crabs in a bucket.
ggwoman I feel this. Doing a lot of reevaluating.
@@katierichley4130 and Katie Richley, I hope you never stop checking the boundaries from time to time. I am the husband and father of a three-generation family with a mother/grandmother with BPD. One of the children woke up, saw it for what it is and opened the door for others to recognize it too, and share with each other. This changed the whole family dynamic, and now several of us are ready and able to work on it together.
Me too!
John Victor Cross that’s awesome. Sending good vibes.
De-familied myself completely. Why the hell would I spend time with the very broken souls that broke me. No freaking thanks.
Always appreciate your videos. Thank you for your rare ability to approach BPD with a respect/compassion/responsibility perspective. You truly understand the way our minds work, express compassion for us (which, in the internet age, very few do), yet manage to hold us responsible in a kind, encouraging, but firm way. I really do respond well to your information. I hope you know just how much your videos touch the hearts and give hope.
Said!!!! And yes absolue
I agree 100% 😉 I feel I respond well to your information. I want to find a psychiatrist or therapist that has the same qualities that you have. ❤
@@daughteroftheking5700 Exactly,You ain't lying.Its always the ones on video that I find competent and compassionate.I have found none like that at home.
@@razorsharplifestyle101hard9Fo real! Same here, I haven't found one yet. Still looking. It's crucial to find someone with empathy.
@@daughteroftheking5700 Exactly,Are you single and available? Maybe we can get to know each other.
It’s so rare to see even doctors talk about BPD in a respectable regard. It makes me actually want to watch the video and learn from it. I’m going to share it with my partner who now wants to do couple DBT therapy with me. Thank you 🙏🏻
My teenage daughter has BPD and I find these kinds of videos very helpful. My goal as her mom is to give her all the support I can and to not trigger her.
just by being here watching this video, you are the best mom ever. good job and good luck to you ❤
Are you a single mother? Although I have no stats on this, I would think borderlines tend to be more common in single mother families for several reasons (women under too much stress, emotional regulation being transferred more ny the father) I think a positive, stable male role model (sports coach, music teacher etc..) could help. Also a sport requiring discipline and perhaps cooperation.
thank you for watching it and looking into it more for your daughter. it’ll get easier if you keep doing what you’re doing ♥️
@@juliettailor1616
No I'm not a single mom I am a married stay at home mom
@Natalie
Sending you a mom hug
9:02 Sleep, sleep, sleep. “When you’re very tired, you have less resources to pull from”. Meaning, when we’re fully rested - we are more resourceful, break that down - we are more resilient, better listeners, more understanding & empathic, more able to remain objective. Thanks for your info! 🙏🏼
I really revere your compassionate approach to BPD. Thank you.
Triggers rarely, if ever has anything to do with a certain day/time-it’s people/behavior based-99.9% of the time.
It's definitely people based for my guy. Unless he has nightmares the night before. He will wake up moody but it doesn't last long.
Yes!! Like we are allergic to other people!!!
Thats 100% incorrect. I usually trigger in the morning due to a natural low dopamine level coming out of sleep, as we all do. As I have bpd AND bipolar, mornings are incredibly difficult for me no matter the people/behaviors.
It can be so challenging loving someone with BPD. I want to be close like we use to be but they get so angry at random that I now I walk on eggshells. I can’t help but feel resentment 😔 after they lash out at me. I feel like everything I say offends them. It’s hard for me to trust their judgment and decision making, especially about the big life decisions. They can feel my hesitation and genuine fear for them, and are left feeling rejected or abandoned.
I'm so sorry. We never want you to ever feel that way. But we also do not know how to make it better. I'm sorry.
I totally agree. We have to leave.
This is exactly how I feel and it’s horrible and traumatising
So get this.
Feels
Boy! You sure hit the nail on the head. I have bpd and am now 70 years old. I've had tons of counseling and now like and love the person that I now am. I started pulling all together at 40 years old. I am loving, caring and do dog rescue. I feel whole for the most part but under times of stress my bpd rears its ugly head. But I'm fully aware of what's happening when it does.and most importantly I'm forgiving to self when I see things black or white. I recognize it for what it is. I can joke with my mother now who at 94 is still critical of Mr and never validates me that often...this is the height of not being validated...when I was a little girl and said. I have to ho to the bathroom she would say..." No u don't,! U just went". Stuff like that. The crazy making stuff. So in my twenties and most of thirties I was crazy!! Drugs alcohol men..u name it. I plainly see what happened to me now. Maybe some genetic...lots environment! I know she's never gonna change, god love her. So I had to get myself help...and at 70 I still need good advice so thanks so much!! Oh! And now I'm paid back in spades because my granddaughter that I raised has bpd and going thru so much. This video helps so much in dealing with her. I do walk on egg shell, but I dont make it about me. I'm here to help her and I especially like the part where I'm careful not to trigger her. Sometimes the less I say, the better. I will say tho that although she was a u know what during her pregnancies ( she has 2 small children) she is a wonderful mother!! I have always listened to her and validated her feelings. And lots and lots of love. The first time.e my dad told me he loved me was on his deathbed 2 years ago. I tell my children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren every day!! And lots of hugs and kisses...even tho I never had that from my parents. They were good people, just didn't know how I guess. Thanks for letting me share.
A touching story. You are a beautiful person.
Stay well.
I hope youre doing well 😊
You’re a wonderful person. Sending lots of love to your family 💜💜
I’m nearly 70 as well, and it has taken years to finally accept and actually like myself. It could be age, but I think it had a lot to do with my mother passing at age 93. I could never do anything right. Among other things she begged my two sisters when I was still in middle school or so, to please don’t grow up to be like me! I was a quiet, meek child at the time but I would question “why?” too much I guess. She had a permanent negative effect on me when she said, “Stop crying. You look ugly when you cry and no one will like you.” !! Talk about setting the stage for any number of behavioral issues! But parents of that era didn’t know warmth either I guess.
I didn’t know people even hugged their kids. I loved my kids dearly and related to them better than she did to me, but still I wish I could have known to do more. They love me I know and are still in my world, but I could have been more reassuring if I had the tools. I still fear letting someone down by voicing my feelings which could result in rejection.
@@SophieBird07 Thank u for sharing 🙏🙏🙏
Any advice for the BPD person on how to discern when I'm actually being treated unfairly vs just perceiving things being that way?
Learn to know and love yourself and make a list of what you deserve and why. Hold steady this, you deserve kindness, compassion, understanding, all those things we all deserve but you have to find yours as well. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox all those things seem broad, and a BPD person can demand an unrealistic amount of any of those things, do you not agree? Furthermore, if a person follows the advice of your comment here, do you think they would be willing to depart from a person that doesn't give them what they deserve, or do you suspect they might hang around, asserting constantly that the other person isn't good enough?
Thank you. I thought I was the only one that dealt with that kind of paranoia. Used to think my wife was trying to kill me.
I only wish to see my partner live their life at peace. I know I take part in making matters worse a lot of times but, I am learning.🙏🏽 thank you sir.
@@DrDanielFox I've been admitted to hospital so many times I have lost count I know have depression with suicidal idiation several serious attempted tried to end it all I've been diagnosed and treated with the whole spectrum of mental desease and when I first heard about bpd I was amazed that's me I said not so my doctor's how do I get them to see it what's up with that?😡 I'm so grateful for your help I have no doubt that I do indeed have bpd
I obviously tracked the triggers even though I was so young. I had to be so quiet to let her sleep. Almost not even breathing because she would even lash out for the smallest noise. I always had to watch my dad and check if he did something less than perfect and fix it. And usually I failed to satisfy my mom with my dad and I had to listen to her screaming for hours. Another thing that triggered her was my dads driving. Always an argument in the car. Also not being organized and neat triggered her. I couldn’t complain or get angry as a child because she got more angry and triggered than me. It left me feel my feelings don’t matter and I internalized all my feelings. Like I was invisible. What triggered me was how she did not let me sleep in late in the mornings as a teen. I was a night owl and slept late so I was sleep deprived. Her pms was another reason I was always yelled at, almost every month. I felt so depressed for a week because she got angry and made me feel so unworthy. She criticized me and compared me and made me feel useless. Another trigger was how I dressed in front of others. I had to always dress up which I hated the attention but if I didn’t she made me feel horrible for not meeting her standards and embarrassing her in front of others. She got better after I left home probably because I can now set boundaries. She doesn’t yell at me anymore but now knowing all the ways I had been traumatized as a child I am the one who gets angry with slightest reminders of the past trauma. And anger is so uncomfortable for me. I’ve never been thought how to get rid of it with out externalizing it. Now me getting angry makes her feel so hurt because, I’ve always been like a parent to her and just thinking how I’m hurting her makes me feel guilty. I love her. I just want my life back. I want to live free. I never wanted to be a parent. I want to be free and focus on my development without worrying about her. It’s sad, though here I am. I feel ok and I became a very independent, strong, organized, open minded, caring and logical person. I just have a hard time feeling connected to others which I hopefully will find all the right people who will understand me. I survived well! I’m proud of my young self.
Samina Yaghouty I have been reading a book that may help you called Running on Empty. I recommend looking it up and seeing if it applies to your personal situation or not. Good luck to you 🙂
Samina Yaghouty there’s a name for what you’re feeling. I feel it too. It’s called childhood emotional neglect. Google it. There are lots of resources. I think my mom is a borderline waif. Your mom sounds as difficult as mine. Just in different ways. Different triggers. So the song is different but the dance is the same. All the best to you. Be careful, this is going to predispose you to marry someone with similar traits. I did. It was very rocky.
Samina Yaghouty I experienced something very similar with my mother. I am in middle-age now and chose not to marry or have children. I didn’t start therapy until about 10 years ago which helped a bunch. It’s hard to come through the realization that our parents felt connected to us but didn’t really have the emotional attachment because they did not have it to give. As I’ve gotten older I’ve talk to my mom about her family more and her mother must’ve been a borderline in for sure her grandmother was as well. I did not know either one of them. Like you, I used to feel a lot of guilt and shame and my mom was very good about making me feel guilty and obligation. In fact my mom loved me when I was of utility for her, to do for her. Not for just being her daughter. Coming to that realization later in life is devastating. For that matter at any time in our lives. If you haven’t already I highly recommend professional therapy. And someone who has experience with this type of a situation. I’m very sorry that you have gone through this with your own mother. It sounds like you are on a path to a better future for yourself which includes setting boundaries. I had no idea what boundaries were and I had to have a therapist explain that to me. Oh and one more thing. During one particularly difficult time with my mom after my dad had gone into the hospital, and he was not able to come home. My mom became unhinged with me because she couldn’t get her way. Her provocations didn’t work one night. I very calmly and slowly responded to her and said this: I don’t need you to understand me. I don’t need you to except me. I don’t need you to love me. I don’t need you to get me. I get me. And that’s enough. I know there are times you feel I disappointed you and I’m OK with that too. I’m OK with all of it. That probably wasn’t the best way to handle it but this was before I understood more about borderline personality traits. I share this last part with you not to tell you to do the same thing. Not at all. But rather to let you know that like you, I was in a roll of caretaker to my mother which is what my mom wanted. It sounds like your mom was the same way. That’s not normal. The guilt we feel is unnatural and it’s OK to let it go. In fact it’s healthy to let it go. That gives our mothers their adult personal power and personal agency to take control and responsibility for their lives. For too long I always felt like I was my mothers emotional container. It’s as if she had no exterior container of her self and she needed me to play that role. Needless to say I have had numerous health issues in my life and I’m on a path to better healing. Sending love and light your way and wishing you a happy Thanksgiving if you are in the United States. Take good care of yourself.
It kind of sounds like your mom has npd. That’s my dad
I cried a lot reading this because I can relate to it, but a better future seems really far away since I depend financially (and emotionally) on her. I allways feel atacked when I express my feelings so I tend to avoid it since I don't think I have the strenght to go through a bad week (or month) like u mentioned before.
Been married over 20 years and only realised a year ago my wife had BPD - was watching an educational video on BPD and just smacked me in the face "THAT's IT!"
I've made massive mistakes at the start and early on in our relationship - but you would think they only happened yesterday
I've grown and matured, I've changed and developed character - but I'm told daily I'm just the same, probably worse
I love my wife more than I ever have before - but I feel I have to cut off my emotions in order just to survive
She is truly wonderful and amazing, better than the best mother for our children... I don't know how to get her the help she needs and most likely would refute saying that it's just me trying to undermine her and make her the blame or problem or whatever else it is
She also has developed lupus in the last few years which makes her tired and so unwell
I would never suicide but sadly now I SO UNDERSTAND why people end up at that point
I have no friends
I am in a similar situation. My fiancé and I have been together 10 years and it’s only been in the last year or two that things got out of hand (she had a favourite person that caused us a lot of problems). She was only formally diagnosed a year or so ago, and it’s been tough but through online and books I’ve learnt to understand the disorder but it’s still a massive struggle. When you say you have to cut off your emotions to survive, I can relate to that in every sense and it can be hard to stay silent and walk on eggshells (great book by the way of you haven’t heard of it). Stay strong my friend, wish you and your family well ✌️
same dude.. same
Jesus is your friend. Try a church for fellowship and worship
@@wms72 been there, done that... still pulling the knives out of my back! (not from Jesus though, just all the Judases!)
No wonder you feel depressed if you have to cut off your emotions and walk on eggshells. I have BPD and my ex also felt like he had to walk on eggshells. I felt terribble to hear this, made me feel abandoned, wich was a huge trigger for me, wich confirmed him in his feelings and so on. The things dr Fox are saying about boundaries are spot on though. When i am really emotional or raging i feel like a lost child who needs something to hold on too. I'm very sorry youre in this situation, it was much later i realised how abusive my behavior was and i think men are taken less serious when it comes down to abuse then women. But if youre going to stay in this marriage or not, you need to get to work to take care of yourself. Maybe you can see a therapist? I would also suggest to read the book codependent no more!
It takes so much from all of us to deal with it. I'm so tired of it. I'm exhausted
Breathe, relax and do your best my friend...
@@tg3137 breathing is SO, SO hard when it's your baby girl struggling...
Thank you for the advice. I live with a BPD parent (father) and it's really something that doesn't get talked about a lot, but I don't think there's anything quite like it. On a selfish note, I feel very unfairly affected by the disorder, without having it myself and it causes me a great deal of frustration and anxiety. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells and that puts me on edge constantly, without including the actual "episodes" he has and the consequential verbal abuse, ultimatums and threats I get, during those occurrences. On the other hand, I love my Dad. He's my best friend and he's always been there for me, so I want to be there for him too. It hurts me more to know that he is suffering from this disorder, than anything else.
My partner has bpd. I think I speak for everyone watching when I say thank you for all the work you do to deliver clear guidance for chaotic situations. My personal experience has solidified that as much open communication as possible is key to making the best out of these relationships.
what support systems do YOU have to take care of YOU? i'm so exhausted & so discouraged by my daughter's outlasting and vilifying me
@@jmsl910 it's important not to hate/resent her for her actions. You need to understand she's dealing with a literal mental illness. It's quite literally out of her control. But all those things you do to make her feel more comfortable is stuff you should also be doing for yourself. That's the "structure" he mentioned in the video. "Say what you mean, and do what you say"
@@jmsl910 you sound like a difficult mother to have. No wonder she developed it at a young age.
@@allison3605 well if she's receiving abuse that might actually be a totally reasonable statement for her to make.
I'm so tired of seeing people be rude and abusive in the comments under a channel like this.. of all places.
Think about it.
You don't know if this woman's description of her household is untrue.
You don't know if it is true.
She could be the monster in the household here to get narcissistic supply from any sympathy, or negative attention-let's face it, she might glean in the comments.
Or her daughter could be the monster in her household and this was actually just an overwhelmed fairly well-adjusted mother venting pretty reasonable frustrations.. And you just shame and discredited her victimhood.
Literally any of these options is as plausible as the next. That's the silver lining of ignorance and maintaining it. You can insert in the gap of your knowledge whatever idea you need to to justify whatever.
As long as we have so little respect for each other's experiences, testimonies, psychology, as long as we have so little respect and awareness of our own ignorance and how we wield it to sanction the poor treatment of others, there's no reason to anticipate that the rates of personality disorders like the ones discussed in this video, and worse, are going to go down anytime soon.
No wonder indeed.
I'm really scared right now, I learned about my diagnosis yesterday, I have BPD, I've been having some issues with my boyfriend due to a lot of the symptoms this causes, I am starting cognitive therapy this Tuesday and I'm excited caus eu hate feeling like this. But I'm also super scared that I won't be able to receive love form someone, or that everyone will leave due to this
1 thing that worked like wonder. When they get angry, firstly tell them /msg them , that you are sorry that they are angry and upset . Tell them their anger is justified (even if its irrational,understand they are I'll and need help.) Tell them you're here to help. This states in clear words what they are feeling inside, that they cannot make sense of.
That sounds to simple does it work that easy?
i agree, and if you try to justify yourself it only makes it worse
That sounds like reaffirming their already held view that they are the centre of the world and the only persons that has feelings is them.
Yup it always helps to hear, ur right! Ur allowed to be angry
But the word '' help''.. Im here to help " i dont recommend that at all. Dont make ur act of listening and being on my side for a sec sound so Labour intensive!!
You also dont need to say : im here, just be present. People who need to say if u need me im there... Are by default not there! U wanna be there? BE there.
Yep my man has asked that I interupt his tantrums. Which at first when he asked me seemed unfair. As I need to responsiable for his behavior.
Now a couple years later. Fine I am willing to give it a try.
If he only knew how scary he is during a outburt to realize why I would be hesitant.
I see how I'm destroying my relationship and how self destructive, in hindsight, I am
Are you identifying yourself as self destructive?
I don't know much about these things but my take is that when a person is self destructive, it's because someone manipulated that person's brain to turn on itself.
@@digglerdsrecordings9680 So I posted that comment 9 months ago. A month after that comment I broke up with my, now, ex. I was in therapy and I was doing extremely well. I had managed to control my BPD I learned about grounding myself and basically just rewiring my brain to react differently- or with less anger or intense emotions. Anyway. A month after my comment I found out that my boyfriend at the time had been cheating on me. Surprisingly I didn't react the way I thought I would have. I told him it was over, phoned my parents before I changed my mind about leaving and then within 3 days I was gone. After talking to my family and close friends about my experience with dating him... they informed me that I WAS the one being subjected to abuse. Abuse that lasted 5 years. It took me a while to acknowledge it for what it was and now, 8 months later, I can say I was in an extremely abusive relationship. When I posted that comment I thought that I was the problem, but when I started working on myself and made an effort to be different- things were still the same. He was still the same. He was worse. He didn't like that I was getting better. So reading your comment I felt the need to explain what has happened since. I was in fact being manipulated. He tormented me. Mentally and emotionally (among other things). Looking back now... I realise that I did everything I could to make the relationship work; putting myself through therapy and making an effort to change. But I wasn't the one needing therapy.
@@sammipixieneves and now 11 months later I'm here to say, holy shit, I am so glad you were able to get out of that relationship and am so glad you are doing better. And I'm happy for you that you are able to see it the way it really is! I just broke up with my ex who has BPD and I feel it's because I didn't make enough effort to fully understand what BPD is... I'm full of regret now. I'm looking into it a bit late now...
@@Lorimunae thank you. BPD is a very hard disorder to live with. Some people can but it doesn't make you a bad person if you can't. Maybe by doing research into it now you could try and reconcile with your ex and see if you guys could start over? It says a lot about you when you want to understand rather than judge
@@sammipixieneves This would be our 3rd time back together actually. We both have depression and anxiety and it was a handful. We split the first time due to my emotional instability. I think it's healthier for her if she moves on. I don't want her to feel like she's in an unstable relationship again. It was a vicious cycle where I was oftentimes too depressed to communicate effectively, which was crucial for her. I greatly appreciate your kind words though. I think it's very important in any relationship to be upfront with mental illnesses, and for both parties to do sufficient research on how to best handle their partner. That's absolutely where I went wrong. Anyway I didn't mean to make this about me! I truly am so happy for you just knowing you are away from the abuse. Please stay strong.
-Jai
I cried happy tears when I saw that u put this video out! I was one of the ones asking if u could do this type of video. It helps so much and I can't thank u enough!!! ❤
I find your videos informative and helpful in managing my disorder, and I have a great appreciation for you and your channel. Thank you so much for having such a respectful and accessible online presence.
Thank you for all that you do. My situation with my partner had reached extremes that I could not understand. Your content has been very refreshing as well as liberating. Although the hard work is far from over. I feel I can let out a bit of a sigh of relief knowing that I am not completely lost in my sense of direction.
Having a child with BPD brings challenges that seem almost impossible to overcome. Patience and mindfulness for MYSELF have helped. Ofcourse, I've stayed in therapy myself in an effort to not create more hurt than necessary. We still have a long road ahead of us as she navigates college, but she's beginning to create her own life worth living. Thank you for this video.
You are the only doctor I watch talk about BPD… The way you address the topic is from inside the bubble (with us) because you see us as people. If you only heard all of those podcasts and videos (with good intentions I guess?) that talk about BPD and people with BPD as if we were monsters or an animal… it’s very weird, as if they didn’t fully get the core and sense of it. I can totally see that you understand BPD SOOOO WELL! Greetings from Poland. 😊
Thank you or this, for those close to my life who are willing to be educated and not just turn their heads and judge. Much appreciated! It gives me some hope for myself and hopefully loved ones.
Your videos have been such a huge help I just started to watch them and its amazing thank you so much you are a truly great person!
I have to watch this video multiple times a week/day because my husband just got diagnosed with bpd and ptsd. im trying to keep from taking things personally and actually be genuinely supportive. It can be hard for me to understand in the moment when he's having a mood flux and your videos help remind me that he's trying his best. I want to try my best too.
This is my first time seeing one of your videos, and I appreciate so much about it. I just finished writing a research paper for my current psychology course on the subject of BPD, which I felt really drawn to. In the process, I realized that someone extremely close to me has a lot of these traits, and thinking about them in that context opened my eyes and explained a lot. I am so thankful for the strategies you presented here, and the care and kindness you had in understanding both those with BPD and those who care deeply for them. I subscribed, and I'm looking forward to seeing more of your videos!
I am graduating with my BS in 7 weeks, and I am so glad I have found you. The way you explain things is so down to earth. So many times I see therapist use their therapeutic lingo and leaving a person more confused than they were. I always allow people I help to know; Change will not take place unless their loved one wants the help. In other words, they have to want to seek or have the drive to have the help; or it will be an endless battle. Many thanks.
Dr Fox, your videos have been so helpful. I think it could be very helpful to go more extensively into how those around a BPD can help their loved one with BPD.
Loving someone who has BPD is so taxing and confusing. I believe more videos on managing and responding to a BPD loved one could help so many people out there.
Being an adult child of a parent in denial of their bpd, and being on the spectrum myself, the biggest tip i can think of is compassion, and validation, if you invalidate your loved ones feelings they will lose trust that you care for or love them, as well as compassion- if you can't show that person that you empathize or that you care about the way they feel when you do or say certain things, it makes you come off selfish and incapable of thinking of another's feelings and not just your own.. selfishness may be seen as necessary but I believe it is a very negative trait in any type of relationship , you have to be able to care about others as well as yourself and even better above just yourself especially in a loving and caring relationship like between a couple or child and parent.
Thank you for the encouragement in the ending. It meant so much to me it brought tears to my eyes.
Always so helpful. I go to a peer support group and have recommended your videos. Thank you💞
Knowing your triggers is so so important and letting people know, especially health professionals, like for an example I think my main one is the sentence “it’s in your head” or “it’s just in your head”, it triggers me because I was told all my problems were all in my head and I ended up believing it but that’s my true but it makes me from zero to furious in a heart beat.
Communication and trust is also so so important and comfort, as someone who has bpd, I always ask if I’m a terrible person and that’s not for attention it’s because I genuinely feel terrible and I’m scared they are going to leave.
That fear will never fade completely, please be patient with your loved one, I think that’s something that’s not mentioned but not been quick to temper and just listening and caring will go a long ass way.
shannon bedding patience is not endless. Your triggers are not their fault. That is why it is so important to not make excuses and get the help you require. Your partner will give you time and many chances. You will need as much as you can get. Don't waste any with lies and excuses as to why you either don't need to go to therapy or why you need to end it early.
@@freefall0483 Well stated.
@@freefall0483 your reply is nasty and full of assumptions. Try not to project shit so much on someones genuine expression.
@@karenzilverberg4699 well hated.
@@soulTraveller144 So, you are a borderline.
This video is so very helpful to me particularly the mood tracker idea and book suggestions. I appreciate your making this video - thank you!!!!!!!
Thank you for your videos. I self diagnosed as having bpd around 10 years ago after looking at how I behave and doing some research, I then thought it was just anxiety when I entered into a relationship, that broke down after 7.5 years and when I looked back through that relationship I saw the pattern was the same as others. I think I have bpd/npd mix but my borderline traits tend to present more as narcissistic. My ex apparently had bpd traits with eating disorder but I didn’t see it, I had never heard of quiet borderline before. It makes sense how our issues kept us together so long but now I’ve been on a long journey through therapy to try and have a better quality of life moving forward. Your videos in a non judgemental way have really helped me when I’m struggling. Thank you
Thank you so much for these wonderful videos , they are so helpful ❤
I love your videos, I was just diagnosed with BPD and it’s really helped me figure out things about myself. I’ve always wondered what’s been wrong with me and I could never understand it. And it’s nice that you can help me and people around me figure out how to cope with how I’m feeling cause honestly it’s hard to manage this by myself
Same. I've attempted suicide multiple times because I don't feel like I'm worthy
Living with a parent that has strong borderline traits is exhausting. You always expect an unexpected outburst of anger. The problem is, you cannot even suggest to find psychological help because then you are criticizing them as a person. That is my experience at least.
Ordered one of the books. Hope it will help me and my siblings!
I feel just the same way. I’m honestly so sure that my sister has this disorder, but again, she will say that I’m criticizing her. I don’t even know what to do anymore more. It’s exhausting.
I am curious as to which book you purchased; I am looking for good books to help me. I’m in a very similar situation with one of my parents.
Exactly. My mother is one and she’s destroying my life . I am trying to find a stable job to get out of here there is nothing you can do for them . They will always blame you
@@SirenASMR_ What do you mean "is one"? I'm very sorry to hear about what you're going through and it's great that you're drawing boundaries and stepping away. It's your mother's responsibility to get help. But please, we are people with BPD. "Is one" just sounds nasty, sorry. And please don't generalise your experience with your mother to make assumptions about everyone who has BPD. Saying things like "they always blame you" is just incorrect. Just stick to your mother's behaviour. BPD is horrific, absolutely horrific to live with, and a lot of people suffering it don't act out this way, a lot of them actually turn the harm on themselves, not the people around them. Please be conscious of your language. I genuinely wish you well and hope your mother gets good help.
@@rebecca_stone well said.
thank you the book resources, ordered immediately. People with BPD are deserving of love too, and this video gives me more than hope this time.
Great video! Especially the part about the family system trying to put the person working on themselves back into their functioning role with that family system. It's a catch 22 but an important aspect for anyone in recovery. It can be confusing but if your prepared it's easier to deal with and work with.
I couldn't agree more in regards to structure and healthy regular sleep. It is extremely challenging with today's busy lives. I do feel, if structure remains a focus, even when things get knocked off course having a continuous effort towards it helps. It at minimum shows the BPD or troubled person that structure is of value. These people will love structure and not just a little. In the long run, believe me, It's the most loving thing someone can do for them.
Thank you Dr. Fox. There is no doubt you are an expert in this field. 👍
Your absolutely amazing, thank you for taking the time to make these videos. I'm forwarding the link to my loving husband.
Thank you so much for this video, my 6 month pregnant gf has bpd and its been a constant fight to keep her days good on the bad days and to live with this with our two young girls, I feel hope finally that I can help her more now thanks to your videos. Thank you so much for all your helpful and practical information for individuals with bpd
thank you so much. I was diagnosed with BPD and this really helped me a lot. I have no one to talk to so thank you Dr.Fox
Perfect advice by Daniel, but with a caveat: It applies if all those in the dynamic acknowledge the challenge of BPD (that there is an issue), are self aware, are willing to use rational thinking rather than emotional thinking, believe in personal development and believe that accountability is a good thing. Without these principles in the dynamic, it is not going to be effective
Loving and living with a Borderline ten years of experience I could tell you without a doubt you cannot predict or track the moods or thoughts of a Borderline because others are the trigger it’s people who trigger a Borderline, boundaries help but eventually push them away because they feel like the person who sets boundaries don’t love them because they have no control over them.
Rob Marcelletti I agree with you that it’s people who set them off, but I believe the suggestion to create routines and not judge them really does help.
I have found that the BDP’er in my life can’t function without routines.
And people are unpredictable.
So here lies the issue lol.
If you CAN create routines as much as possible you may be able to kinda help you and this person.
Also when we create boundaries, many times we do so with a slight attitude. (Rightfully so most times)
But people with BPD are very sensitive and can pick up on the slightest attitude and the slightest ill will or smirk or someone being non-genuine.
You know... most times when this person told me I was acting insensitive or that my comment didn’t mean well like I was saying it did, he was right. I was being insensitive and I didn’t have the right attitude about the situation.
That's how they learn real love / tough love, that's hie they learn not to abuse and denigrate their loved ones.
Yes I agree totally. My bpd husband is all about control.
Rob Marcelletti That is not true. A person with BPD can switch the moods off at will whenever they want. They always start the relationship, usually around 3 months, being the most beautiful person you have ever met.
Then, whenever you are ready to leave, they can suddenly turn the evil off and go back to being sweet as honey.
These are learned behaviours. Invariably you have a person with zero impulse control and they refuse to learn it. They are a child. Their parents failed to rectify their 2 year old behavior and it has been rehearsed for decades.
But do not fool yourself that they can't control it. They can.
@Sassy The Sasquatch A borderline... Obviously...
Thank you for your information and the hope you give to people that are living with someone with this. I feel so much more at peace knowing that there is someone that feels there is life together with this person over others telling us to run away.
Interesting that you bring up sleep deprivation. I have BPD and Chronic Insomnia (I haven’t slept without heavy tranquilizers/hypnotics/antipsychotics in 7 years) and I struggle to sleep. And yes, when I don’t sleep, I go OFF big time.
Praying for you Mrs. Sawrie, my Mama had BPD and chronic insomnia tormented her all her life, God Bless You and praying for your healing and deliverance from BPD and insomnia in Jesus Holy Name, Amen!
Anxiety goes hand in hand with borderline and creates insomnia. Incidentally everyone goers off with sleep deprivation. Chronic in "developed" societies. There are ways to quiet your mind but one assumes that the underlying trauma is causing the anxiety. I would try a sleep hygiene routine with relaxing teas. Hot baths work well.
Exactly,You ain't lying.chronic insomnia aggravates my symptoms of paranoia and irritability big time.Unfortunately during this pandemic my relatives look at me judgementally because I am sleeping extensively because of medication and I am purposely introverted because of BPD and focusing on treatment for it instead of socializing and entertaining.And living under roof of a relative and only able to help them them with some of the household necessities makes them extremely judgmental of my mental health issues of BPD and bipolar 1.
@@juliettailor1616 Exactly,When you are tired you are grumpy naturally.But that is extremely different then chronic insomnia of BPD and bipolar 1.So those teas are helpful but they are not antipsychotic.So before you begin offering advice inform yourself more.
@MAFIOSA E Exactly, Melatonin helps but I takes seroquel because it's a antipsychotic.
Structure has been the most beneficial tool in my life.
Yes!! structure and routines. Keeping the outside as stabel as possible so my un-stable inside don't shatter as much.
I don’t think I could do this for anyone but my child or person I was working with in a professional capacity. I can’t imagine being in a friendship or romantic relationship where we’re supposed to be equal, where I have to should so much of the emotional responsibility while getting so little support back.
My mother never had any sort of diagnosis and I’m not going to try to sort things out in hindsight, but I had to learn how to cope with her feelings and moods so much that I grew up really fast. It was very hard and honestly emotionally abusive. Can’t do that again. It was hard being without family, but having her out of my life was such a weight off me. I could finally deal with my own anxiety and depression I had developed due to our relationship. I could finally find my own healthy relationships and support system.
PLEASE DON'T STOP MAKING THESE VIDEOS DR. FOX.
YOU ARE THE ONLY BPD PHYSCH OUT THERE THAT HELPS US.🙏BLESS YOU. AND THANK YOU
Thank you so much for this video. I have been involved with someone who I love deeply, for many years. I never fully understood it. Your video has helped me a lot, I ordered two of those books mid video. Thank you so much!
Thank you, this was really helpful.
I'm pretty sure my mom has BPD, and so I have been seeing her behavior in a new light. I recognize now that her version of reality is different than mine, and I must remember that every time I communicate with her.
I have been setting more boundaries lately, as she has been overprotective of me in the past. I am becoming an older adult (27) and want to make my own decisions without their input.
I do love her, so it's hard to distance myself from her at times, but I feel calmer overall.
its commendable that you would try to understand rather than distance yourself or judge your mum, she has still managed to raise an awesome human being and im sure as a team she can learn to manage some of her triggers too
Be careful, the personalities that are cold and hurtful to u can cause u to unknowingly store up anger towards the person with bpd or mpd that u are married to or love. Then when 1 of those cold personalities crosses a line with u and your defenses activate you could lose the personality that u love and that loves you forever. I watched the splinter happen and the love leave her face and body. 10 years of marriage down the drain because my rebuttal of words was 18 years of buildup dealing with this person. If u love someone with bpd or mpd then get in counseling for yourself to keep u from ruining your life and having your partner simply leave the life you've shared and disappear forever.
This is a great video! Thank you so much for providing all of your videos and workbooks. My boyfriend has stated multiple times to me and a therapist we went to see that he thinks he has bpd. He hasn't been diagnosed though. Some of the things he has said and done have been extremely hurtful, cruel even. It's hard not to take it personally. I love him very much and want to be supportive, but when he refuses to get help it doesn't leave me many options.
You explain things so well, and dont invalidate any side of the experience. Im so grateful amazing doctors liks you are doing videos like this. Youre helping me understand so much about myself and how to approach the world and vise versa. Thank you
I liked what he said about toxic family systems. I had to let go of that dynamic altogether with love and prayers because they wouldn't get counseling. I now have others who celebrate me rather than tolerate me. It feels really good!
Sounds like you've got bpd yourself . I just left my crazy ex . Actually she's in gaol. I couldn't end it she wouldn't let me.
1. I know I must have plenty of sleep. It truly helps keep me less anxious and in the moment. 2. I realized feelings are temporary! 3. Structure, structure, structure! It helps prevent/ lessen angry eruptions.
Good comment.
So glad that I found your channel! Many mysteries finally revealed! Thank you for this.
It was really decent of you to put this up here. Thank you.
I've been with my wife for 15 years. A couple of years in she told me she had been diagnosed with BPD (the quiet type). We went 15 years before she exhibited the first, and thus far only, major symptom of BPD which rocked me to my core, but nothing I am not willing to put the work in with her about. Especially after 15 beautiful years. I know I am lucky in that she was able to mostly control external chaos which never caused much issue for us as a couple, but everything just remained under the surface as she doesn't work through problems. If you love someone with BPD, it is my humble opinion that you must try and teach them how to ask themselves the right questions in order to identify and control their negative self talk. I didn't realize how unable my wife was to work thru issues until we hit this roadblock. Be patient but don't be a martyr if you're in a very toxic situation.
Your videos are an incredible resource and I truly appreciate the wealth of information you have put out here for those with BPD as well as their loved ones. I do have a question though, what about when someone with BPD starts dating? Or enters a new relationship? It's not easy to open up and tell your partner what you have. Also who are the kind of people to avoid or actively seek out? Some tips there would be helpful!
Its come to a head now, I must take real action and steps towards learning how to properly deal with a relative with BPD traits. This is the first day of the rest of my life.
Today I've realised that I must sincerely create boundaries, not emotionally react to aggressive and hurtful language from somebody hunting for an argument. I cannot allow this person to continue to use anything as an excuse to start the insulting and arguing.
If somebody reads this, could you send a reply? just so I get a notification to remind me I made this pledge to myself.
How’d it go?
I really appreciate your video and expertise. It was helpful for me to understand how to help someone with BPD more effectively. Thanks for the video! 😊
My best choice in my recovery journey was to go N/C w/my family of origin. It took me decades to realize that they are my biggest trigger persé...once I understood that the involuntary environment I was brought up in at least caused the onset or outbreak ( whatever you wanna call it) it was easier to let it go and fully accept that I have to be my own change. I had to leave ‘crazy town’ and get off the ‘Mary go around’. I would not have been able to do so if it was not for me leaving my family entirely out of my healing.🙏🏻
Despite all advice I have received on this subject thru research ,friends and doctors orders to stay away, my heart has not healed thus far and loving will continue no matter what happens! My life has been changed on so many levels in the past 3 years that risking it all is inevitable.I never or will ever learn to give up.Chances are worth risking IMHO!
Never give up :)
Dr. Fox, I've watched many of your videos and find you to be very kind and concise in the information you provide. Very helpful information, greatly appreciated! Also, you are one of the few Dr.'s who give people hope in coping with BPD and do not give up on them, you tell them that they can improve if willing to work hard enough. Also, for friends and family, you let them know that it may not be a total loss cause. Very valuable insights you provide. Thank You for all you are doing!
Thank you for saying that, it means a lot :)
Thank you so much. Your BPD content is so helpful!
A book I found very, very helpful in understanding BPD and also accepting that I myself have BPD (which at least 5 professionals have told me and I'm still like "nahhhh!") is "Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified" (Revised Edition) by Robert O. Friedel. His insights are so amazingly accurate, it's scary!! :)
Lightnin Bug great suggestion. Thanks.
Hi Lightnin Bug, I will defo check this book out, thank you for the suggestion :)
thank u!!!! i hope to suggest this one day.
Thank you for that. I'm gonna buy that book
thank you... thank you for speaking out and not make us sound like monsters... Thank you so much...
Ah it is like living with a monster and no accountability on the bpd 's part
Your respectful Demeanor and professional insight was very helpful and compassionate. I'm happy I stumbled on this video and will explore your page.
I loved your video. VERY informative and full of compassion and understanding. Simply amazing.
Thank you for creating helpful content related to BPD instead of condemning us.
Great to finally find someone doing this! Many do not have the option to run. I hope someday less children will be developing these problems as more people learn how important a child's feelings and emotional environment are to their entire life of well being.. Wish you were OUR Doctor!
@@CallmeCalypso very often one parent had addiction, lied and abandoned them. The parent who stayed and tried left to try and understand the situation. Also genetics play a part. Compulsive disorder /addictions eg gambling in a family can manifest if also mixed with an unstable parent. So please don't be so quick to judge
This is the absolute BEST video I have seen on this subject. This is so informative and helpful. If you are in Dallas I would like to set an appt. with you.
You're just awesome in explaining this illness. I appreciate you!!
Excellent. Thanks for recommending the “Stop Walking On Eggshells” book
Was watching this video for myself. Don’t have anyone around me who cares enough to research for me. So I’m just constantly living in triggers and going downwards, worse every time. Trying to help myself that’s why I’m here. Thanks for the video. It’s been helpful.
Good luck, stay strong.
Thank you so much Doc! You are helping me a lot with my precious daughter! There are so many things that I can understand now!❤️
you are angel, now i have a little understanding about BPD
I was too late in identifying what the behaviors and phone conversations were trying to tell me. My friend died June 4, 2018. I will never know if it was an accident or not and pray I didn't do anything inadvertently that influenced or triggered his emotional state. Thank you for making these videos! I know they will help others before it is too late.
Susan, I wish I had known all this before as well. I only found these videos after my partner died this past December. If I had had a better understanding of BPD, I might have known what to do and look for. You arent alone.
This is very helpful. Thank you so much
Hello Dr. Fox. I am someone who was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder years ago, though I feel my "disorder" is mild, perhaps barely severe enough to be clinically diagnosed, I recognize a lot of problematic traits in myself and I'm seeking therapy for addressing those. I have fallen in love with a wonderful woman who has narcissistic traits. She has been unaware of these traits in herself but I have recognized them and brought it to her attention yesterday. She has brought my borderline traits to my attention and helped me to recognize that they are problematic for me/us through much difficulty in our relationship thus far. I love this woman very much. A lot of times, people find out that their significant other is narcissistic and they have the urge to run like hell, to look down on them and to resent them for the way they cause them pain. My love for this woman has not manifest in that way. Instead, I have understanding and acceptance. It doesnt make me love her or want her any less. She is absolutely wonderful, she is just difficult to relate to. I recognize that she didnt choose these issues for herself, as I have not chosen my issues either. They are the result of many difficult times that neither of us have deserved. I have compassion on her for them and I want to see her heart healed. I want to forever enjoy her smile. I want to be part of her healing process.
All of that being said, I recognize that you are an expert on our issues. I would like to see you make a special video to help me relate to her better, understsnd her better, provide the emotional needs that she has better and that she can watch to do the same with me. Can you make a video that encourages this love to grow and to grow in the direction that leads to both of our healing? I noticed you made a video that barely touches on this dynamic (borderline/narcissist), can you go much more in depth to better teach us how we can work together to make this relationship thrive and become very fulfilling for us both? Thank you.
Thank you. Was recently diagnosed with BPD and have been learning a lot from you. You care and it’s obvious. Unfortunately there are therapists here on UA-cam that talk about what to do if someone is “stuck” with someone with BPD. May God bless you. I didn’t chose this but with love and support, I know I can learn to regulate my emotions, develop adaptive boundaries and healthy interpersonal skills.
+luisa pierce You are absolutely correct! You can learn the skills and use the strategies to control those emotional changes. I wish you all the best and thank you for your kind words.
I am wondering what book or books you would recommend I read that may help me. I believe my father was borderline (he is deceased now); but my youngest son is 22 and I’m almost certain he also suffers with BPD. Any materials you recommend will be so greatly appreciated.
Luisa, I know it's hard, but you seem happy that you are aware that you have BPD. What do you suggest for those of us who love a partner that has BPD but has not accepted it and looks for diagnoses that frame it as something other and helps them skirt the issues?
John Victor Cross
Going through the same and looking for the same answer
please make more videos for people who have loved ones with BPD and how to better take care of yourself when your daughter/partner has BPD
These videos are so helpful, informative and encouraging. Thank you!
You are so welcome!
Amazing video, great advice and empathetic understanding.
Traits of BPD on both sides of my family unit. My brother unfortunately thinks I should accept his outbursts without creating boundaries. When I told him there needs to be boundaries he has cut me out of his life. Though it bothered me for a minute, I have to say that at least now I don't have to continue being careful what I say or keep up with what he is saying that contradicts himself. Life is interesting and tough. Thank you for your videos.
I sometimes wish my sister would cut me out of her life completely
My father was diagnosed with BPD back in the 70’s. He had ended up in a metal health hospital for three weeks and was diagnosed there. Sadly, my youngest sister has the traits but will not get diagnosed. I learned what to do with my father but he finally estranged himself from everyone in the family before his death. Now my other sister has passed and our mom has passed and there is only my youngest sister remaining and our brother. Both of them have such problems that after my mom passed, I finally had to remove myself from my relationship ships with both of them. It makes me sad but I worked so hard for many years to get healthy and I feel like I have to protect my own peace of mind and the peace and happiness that is in my own home.
I feel deeply for your loss and know it well.
@@pbjsilverstudio4882 And I feel deeply for your loss, Pam. Know that you are not alone. In our family system some of our children are open to my wife, but she is not open enough to them. I hope for signs of it changing but try not to expect it.
John Victor Cross I’m so sorry.
I understand. My sister did the same. I miss her. I want a relationship with her but I also feel like I should respect her words when she tells me to fuck off and never talk to her again. That’s not an ideal relationship for anyone!
Everyone deserves love 💕 it’s possible I know that they love w all their♥️
I've had the opportunity to listen to many other UA-cam personality specialists. By far I appreciate Dr. Fox and his method of making things understandable along with navigation.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
I absolutely love your insightful, humanistic, compassionate, educated, understanding videos in this misunderstood illness/disorder.
I live with BPD and have gone through dbt inwhich worked for a while, however ive gone downhill again due to watching DeMars's unhelpful videos on this subject. It has increased SHAME and invalidation, infact increased suffering and suicidal thoughts. Thank heavens for warm hearted, insightful and helpful people like yourself, whos videos give a more accurate insight into bpd and those behaviours associated wih this condition. In other videos you validate others who live with someone with bpd or who are associated in some way with the illness. You are truly inspirational, Dr. Fox who will never know the value that your help has done in bringing down traumatising thiughts through watching toxic videos by people who have formed toxic biases, you are the opposite. The world NEEDS MORE PEOPLE LIKE YOURSELF!!!! Marsh Linehan is also amazingly understanding!
DR FOX......thank you for your ENDLESS COMPASSION!
Grateful ❤️
@roobz-wav OK. I respect your viewpoint. However, I simply do not agree. His viewpoint comes across as aggressive and harsh, not done in an understanding, compassionate way as Dr fox and Marsha Linehan.
@roobz-wav Any disorder can have a harmful impact. Simply being human comes with harmful traits/characteristics. We don't need life coaches who scaremonger people about the traits and personality components of bpd and npd in a biased, scurred opinion. We are living in an increasingly TOXIC culture that comment on these personality disorders in an inaccurate way, insighting hostility and fear, when infact their viewpoint (not insight) is a very scurred, biased, misleading, deceiving on these disorders. Demars's and other life coaches on utube hail in prophesying people with bpd! Strongly specifying that people should run a mile, because people with these personality disorders are unlikely to ever change!!!! This is seriously detrimental in those who work tirelessly to dispell these myths surrounding these cruel disorders. Like I said, humans in general possess HARMFUL traits, not just people with personality disorders. I see NO compassion, empathy, or understanding in his videos, only hostility, biased malevolent distorted misperceptions! Like I said, only Dr Fox and Marsha Linehan have a broader, compassionate, gentle, patient, knowledgeable, and intelligent opinion on these cruel personality disorders in particular and, in my case, BPd. We all have different opinions and are free to express them individually and hopefully graciously. We need more understanding and less hostility in this misunderstood illness. Taking accountability should apply to every HUMAN and acknowledge all our humanly harmful traits! 🙏
I figured out I was dealing with codependency about 5 years ago, I'm not "all better" but I've been working on it. My partner finally got a BPD diagnosis just within the last couple week as he started an intensive outpatient program. Since then it's been pretty much exclusively about my problems, and now he "doesn't have BPD". So, we're supposed to start couple's therapy on Saturday, but he broke up with me (for the millionth time 🙃). For sooooome reason I think he'll go back on that. I don't know how much fuel I have left this far into a 10 year relationship, but he has really been doing a lot of work on himself and I am still working on myself so we'll see where things go.
Mostly want to get the word out there that of you're in a BPD relationship, you probably are dealing with codependency as well! Check out the resources and focus on your own self work, you're worth your boundaries! 💕
Do you deserve to be treated like this?
@@krose420 no, I think it's important people realize that nobody does. It's a decision for each person to make about where their limits are in a given situation and I think it's important for people to genuinely be prepared to leave if they're pushed their.
The sleep. ...so true! I literally become uncontrollable with lack of sleep. If my sleep problem lasts for a longer period, I get completely 'crazy', last time it was due to stress at work and I ended up with a long depression, the most difficult part of my life so far. If a noise wakes me up in the middle of the night I am sooooo angry, can't manage to control, just need time to calm down. Have you experienced while working with BPD that they tend to develop some behavioral patterns which make them believe they can control at least something? For me the inability to control my own emotions caused myself to be obsessed with food or dieting or exercising, so I have a feeling of self-control. This usually ends up pretty quickly and finishes with constant yo-yo effect. I tend to be maniac of control at work as well, and when I have a feeling something goes differently as I originally planned, so I am loosing the control I pretended to have, I just overreact with anger. Prefer working alone so there is less chance that something goes wrong.
Thank you for uploading this video. Very helpful.
Thank you so much for this video. It gas provided me with more clear understanding, answers and clear direction and hope than I've found in years in my relationship with my significant partner . I look forward to listening and watching and learning from your videos.
Glad it was helpful!
I've tried everything to give my son as much love as possible in his life. His dad went missing when he was 6 and I couldn't change this. Please don't assume everyone with bpd has a bad mother. I had to make the best of a bad situation for myself and both my son's. I have been trying so hard to understand bpd and do all I can.
I’m certainly not saying that, and I never would. I respect being a single mother, and doing the best that you can, I grew up with one myself. I wish you all the best.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you
Is your son diagnosed with BPD because of his father missing?
This has been so hard for me as well with a son with BPD traits. I find myself wondering what I did and how I could have been better. I know it probably stems from his father leaving when he was very young, but everyone always blames the mother.