Did I Have Dysphoria?
Вставка
- Опубліковано 14 кві 2020
- Hi, I’m Elle. I’m a 20 year old FtMtF detransitioner. In this video, I’m discussing my dysphoria throughout my transition, from pre-T to post-T. Dysphoria is an interesting topic, I could definitely speak a lot more about it.
TWITCH: / laulypop
TWITTER: / ellepalmer1
INSTAGRAM: / ellepalmer1
EMAIL (BUSINESS ONLY): ellepalmer99@gmail.com
here's my twitch!!!! idk if I'll use it but here it is (ignore my old name lol) twitch.tv/laulypop
You are a gem and a great resource !
Has your voice gotten less deep?: )
cool guy it’s not a mental illness. Cool guy needs to educate himself. It’s a biological issue with the make up of the brain being one gender and the body another. Educate yourself before remarking Cool Guy.
cool guy are you a doctor? No you are some person thinking he knows it all. My kid is transgender and we have been to Mayo
clinic and counseling for years. So Cool Guy Mayo Clinic trumps your weak idea hands down every time.
cool guy I what’s not normal is you hating someone who you don’t know and did nothing to you. Also I can tell your immature as well as ignorant to the topic on discussion. A mature person would be eager to learn, reserve their thoughts until educated. Stop wasting people’s time and get help for your hating and being a troll.
I used to try and watch detransition stories and documentaries because I was scared I was doing the wrong thing and all, but they often left me depressed and more dysphoric than I was before.
I am SO glad you exist. Because it isn't scary watching your videos and you're not trying to tell other people that transgender is made up and that everyone will regret it. I am sorry you went through it because of the reason you did, but your story and your willingness to talk about it is what is gonna help those who are unsure or have told themselves they're trans to find a reason to their problems.
So THANK YOU for being you.
Put it better than I could. I am trans, and I am very glad I don't want to detransition, because given the amount of strength it takes for most to admit they are wrong about small things, imagine the amount of strength required to calmly admit that you were wrong about something like THAT and not hate the ideas that pulled you in.
Robin DeBoer the only way you can be transgender is if you always felt like it when you were a young kid, cause transgenderism is like hormones mixed in the mothers womb, you would already know who you are when you are young, but when teenagers grew up normal and experience ROGD from traumatic events or brainwashing they can get severely confused, but transgenderism is a legit thing don’t get me wrong, but it’s becoming way too common. And can make so many teens confused
@@NesquickBunny no thats Not true AS a child Many Don t Care so much about Sex and gender they are Just children a Lot of Don t Care so much Till Puberty Till the real Bad Changes come
And some realize IT really late
Witch ist okay
I mean gender ist a spectrum and i think IT s more fluid than many people think
freak10 gender is not fluid, that’s the stupidest thing I ever heard.
For me disphoryer was a disconnect to my body and the destres it caused the way it was beginning to develop made me notice it a lot more and i remember being around the agr of ten being told that i would eventually have a chest and i was like no and then was told i would get use to it and i spent over a year trying to be like year this will eventually feel normal. I also have memories of being around 8 or 7 being there and sat there going i am a boy and then cry in a ball of despair but had never been told about being trans until years and years later so i don't think that influenced me at all. But the thing is i don't remember having any gender thoughts before which worries me. How ever i have vary few memories from younger in general its only very small bits like a Teddy bare or playing with friends.
Please dont call yourself a failure though. This whole world is just trying to find their own way through it all, just like you. You aren't a failure as long as you are doing right by yourself.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever read
I thought I was trans in my early 20s. I was suicidal, depressed, had terrible anxiety and an Ed. It turns out I was not trans at all. I was looking for a reason that I hated my body
I know that I had dysphoria that was cause by trauma that I bottled up, most of it was bottom dysphoria. I completely feel you when you said that being a man was like a defensive facade. It was unhealthy and I got help but I can see how I could of easily gotten to the point of taken T and I am glad that I was stopped before that.
I had some form of therapy, it was kind of a specific situation that I hadn't dealt with.
@Sienna Waters Could it be the feeling of oppression?
Penis envy is a real thing.
I found this article and it might shed some light
www.livescience.com/54682-is-penis-envy-real.html
@@blackcatluck12345 it seems like they were saying if so, they MIGHT be trans.
So uncomfortable with sexual attention because sometimes that can be very uncomfortable. Growing up in a country where cat calling and slurr comments were frequent, I can relate. Looking back at old photos, I may have gone through a period where i looked somewhat masculine probably as a protective way trying to avoid that untoward sexual attention and harassment. Being looked at and treated as a sex object can cause a lot of stress.
Yes I think a lot of us have gone through that. I know when I was younger I loved wearing makeup and dressing up at home but I couldn't leave the house like that. I always wore a baseball hat out in public and my brother's clothes that he grew out of. I would have severe anxiety when my brother's friends would come over and I wasn't warned so I could change and or hide. I believe my problem with that started when I was 11 and my friend's Uncle who babysat us, who was in his 40s 🤮 started sexually harassing me and everyone around us thought it was funny instead of inappropriate and acted like I was in the wrong for being angry.
@@rebeccaspratling2865 It is horrible but it happens a lot, unfortunately. Our parents and elders who are supposed to protect us during childhood do not do their job properly.
I relate so much to what you said about feeling like a failed woman because of internalized misogyny. Like you say "I don't have to try to be a female, I JUST AM". Thanks for sharing your experience, it sheds so much light
You literally just told my life story. I’ve been on testosterone now for over 4 years and finally realizing it may have just been a way to “cover” my underlying issues when I was younger. Feeling incredibly confused and upset right now and hoping I haven’t ruined my future (at least socially.) I want to exist at this point just as myself. Thank you so much for these videos. Definitely feeling less alone.
Let me tell y’all, as a mentally ill afab, I’m damn scared that it’s just internalized misogyny or one of my mental bugs disguised as dysphoria. I like to think that the trans community just helped me identify dysphoria because when I was going through puberty I couldn’t even move from how uncomfortable I was with my chest, hips and all. But damn it would suck if it was misogyny
did you medically transition?
It's the fox! Nah, but that’s the plan atm
It’s misogyny. Don’t do it
@@pearlpearl3806 there's literally no way to know that unless op ever says lmao. some people are just trans
@@ghostlain I didn’t say people aren’t trans. I said “it’s misogyny, don’t do it”
this is going to sound so borderline creepy but im already planning to have these videos on deck if ever I have a little boy or girl interested in transitioning. I will be supportive, but show them their options. waiting until 18, making sure other possible options arent the root cause. I want to love them unconditionally and support them in the best way possible. thank you for this.
That's awesome! I also suggest you show your kid videos from trans folx who did accurately understand their own identity at a young age too. It's a wide range of experiences.
Fool of a Toque of COURSE. I’ve been a longtime stan of people like Gigi Gorgeous and Skylar Kergil so i have a wealth of videos to supply on that end. If for some chance they end up having an experience similar to Elle’s though, I think this resource would be SO helpful.
Fool of a Toque There’s also hundreds of informative docs and tv shows that do a good job of explaining this topic. Not saying I’d restrict to just you tubers!
@@alexandram6081 You're totally right - Elle's a wealth of information, and I'm really glad she's talking about her experience too! I think maybe I had a gut reaction to your comment because I see cis parents wanting the best for their kids, but either being staunchly "nope, you're not getting hormones until you're an adult" or equally gungho about transition in a very binary, linear sort of way they've seen popularized. Both are done with the best intentions, but ignore the nuances of gender being a very nebulous concept with a diverse and fluid set of experiences and needs. I'm really glad future parents are taking initiative to educate themselves on all these possibilities! Sorry if I came off defensive, and I really appreciate you engaging with me despite that 😄
This is the best counsel currently available
Hi Elle, I really respect you for talking so openly about your experience. I'm FTM and had intense gender dysphoria growing up and know transitioning was right for me. Though I want to say I think your right in that some people transition cos they think it'll make their problems go away. I still struggle with low self confidence and body discomfort unrelated to gender that I had before transition so for me transitioning has only sorted out gender related problems specifically, and left the rest as it was. I imagined it would change my life more than it has, as if I could become a new person.
lol so im p sure im a trans dude but im not even hyper masculine or whatever. im kinda feminine. the way i act isnt super masc. i just KNOW im a guy. i always have, since 5th or 6th grade. I had these feelings, but having a friend in middle school who ended up being a trans guy exposed me to the fact this actually existed. And i found myself. In High School, I was in GSA. They told me what Trans was again, and i cried so hard, knowing I found what I really was. I'm a dude lol. Im now almost 21 and after so much time shoving it away and acting like I'm just a woman and a lesbian, I can't push it away. It's who I am. Trying to shove it away is distressing and ignoring the issue.
same bro.
The hand wave and soft "Hello" in each video is so wholesome.
you are amazing! please keep making videos, people need to hear your story!! i love how you’ve seemed to grow/reflect since detransitioning, it’s takes a lot to think about oneself so much!! hope you have a good day, you’re the fucking cutest 😍
Elle! I have been loving your videos! It broke my heart when you said you felt like you failed at womanhood. I have definitely had those feelings when I realized I wasnt able to breastfeed my first child. Those thoughts are so difficult to battle. My heart goes out to you. There is so much more to being a woman than the little box society tries to fit us into. Wishing you all the best!
Growing up as a tomboy and hanging out with boys since a young age, people always try to suggest that that's proof that I must be trans. I think it's important to add to the discussion that being trans is more about how you feel about your body than it has to do with not liking your gender role in society. Like I remember in junior high I actually felt dysphoric because one of my male friends suggested that I was a "boy with lady parts" and the notion of that didn't really sit well with me at all.
As a social group I have always identified more with males, and have always had stronger bonds to my male friends. As a kid I think I used this as a defense mechanism against bullying, in preschool to 1st grade I was always picked on for being sensitive and crying, so I used being a tomboy as a way that I could be more confident in myself and appear more 'tough". I have always felt proud of doing this, because I wouldn't allow myself to fit into a box that I was uncomfortable with. But the thing that didn't sit right with me is that to me I saw myself as a cool girl, I never looked at myself as a boy. I remember in younger grades I did say stuff like "I wish I was a boy" but I think that rational was due to me having to work harder in order to get the boys to accept me into their group.
I thought about being trans after my brother(FtM) came out as trans. I was far more "boyish" as a kid than my brother was, so doesn't that make me trans too? I'm still more "boyish" traditionally than my brother, but after I thought about it and learned more about what he was going through I realized that being trans is mostly about dysphoria. Me being a "girl" or a "woman" does mean I have to be what society says women should be, I don't have to wear makeup, I don't have to dress a certain way, I don't have to suppress my masculine interests. I think that's a realization that many people miss when it comes to being trans, getting testosterone injections and surgery isn't the pass you need to express yourself how you want. If you don't experience gender dysphoria there is no reason to change your body because you are free to do whatever you want regardless of social pressure and I suggest that be the first thing that you try.
I want to clarify too, I believe 100% that trans people exist and there are people that should go on hormones and get therapy to feel more comfortable in their own skin. I just think people need to evaluate if it's something that they are doing for them or something they are doing for others to accept them for who they are. I strongly suggest just doing what you want to do regardless of gender roles, I've found for the most part living this way since I was a young child that I actually get more support praise for acting out of gender roles than harassment. There are some people that are gonna think you're weird, but like I think most of the time it comes off more as confident and charming to others. If anyone has a problem with the way you express your true self, they're obviously not worth your time.
Zaphlox - I enjoy this comment, thanks
Brilliant video! Keep up the good fight! Sometimes it's easier than others but I find the more you reach outside yourself and do things for others, the less you tend to obsess over the cosmetic "regrets" as you term it. Of course it's also important to work hard on yourself and your own emotional well-being and recovery, but I can tell from your insights that you've come a long way as far as that's concerned, so congrats!
One phrase that helped me a lot deciding to stop transitioning, and still helps when I feel that dysphoria and like I "failed womanhood" is: female doesn't define you - you define female!
By being female whatever you are contributes to the definition of female :)
i think it’s a really important point that dysphoria can be a learnt behaviour, it’s not something that’s necessarily static
keith sweath sure, though obviously this is just my experience. dysphoria for me was a response to many other things, as a result of being only a kid at the time and obviously having limited comprehension and capacity for self-awareness. eg1., internalised misogyny. i have a male twin so from a very early age i saw how girls and boys are treated differently. instead of be able to think, well that’s just bs sexism, as a kid i internalised that it was better and advantageous to be boy. but i wasn’t a boy, and the only difference between me and my twin (or any other boy) was my body- so dysphoria was a learnt behaviour in that way. my adolescent subconscious being ‘boys are treated better and i am not a boy because i am female so my body is the problem’. eg2., sexualisation. i went through puberty early and hated every minute of it because i could no longer be ‘one of the boys’ and my body confronted me constantly with the fact that i was a girl, and rapidly becoming a woman- i wouldn’t be a man. on top of that, i started being sexualised by men at a very young age which i of course hated and made me feel so objectified and so of course i responded negatively to this. my adolescent thinking- ‘i wasn’t sexualised before, i am now, because my body has changed, so my body is the problem’. again, dysphoria for me was a learnt behaviour, it was a response to other issues. eg3., bs beauty standards for women. if puberty wasn’t going to be shitty enough for me as a textbook & extreme tomboy, the annoying thing was that becoming a woman means you actually have to start doing stuff. shaving armpits, legs, the increased pressure to be ‘pretty’, meaning lipstick, hair, wearing dresses, all of which 100% did not jive with me. for my context, being a tomboy before puberty could for the most part be treated as a ‘cute’ little quirk- but after puberty, you go from being a tomboy to an ugly dyke. so again, my adolescent thinking resulted in me thinking that my body was the problem. an example of a specific learnt dysphoric behaviour for me- i hated growing boobs, i could barely look at them myself and couldn’t stand the idea of anyone else seeing i had them (they were sizeable). so without even deciding or thinking, my reaction was to always wear a jumper or a hoodie, no matter how high the temperature of australian summers. for fucking years my body temperature was way off whack, even a little still today. if you touched me, i was hot, but my brain couldn’t even pick that up, i couldn’t feel the heat, because for all the aforementioned reasons why it was shitty me growing up to be a woman, my internal drive to cover up was stronger. things started getting better when i was in my mid-teens after a bit of an epiphany that had i not grown up in a rural conservative christian context, i might have got sooner and was super obvious- that just because i was a woman, it didn’t actually have to mean that much. it was a slow process, but i just rejected and unlearnt all those bs stereotypes and expectations. living gnc has its own problems in society and i still have minor discomfort with my body, i can’t change how women are treated in society and i can’t unlearn all the programme of beauty standards and ‘women’s roles’ in society. just because in your head you know it’s bs, it takes a lot of time to learn to walk the talk. so when i say that dysphoria can be a learnt behaviour, what i mean is that i think it can be an easy response to many issues facing young girls. it’s a simple solution to a complex problem, and there are so many reasons for discomfort with one’s gender & body, and for adolescents the answer of being born in the wrong body has attractive simplicity. for me it was better to treat it as a body image problem & a ‘society sucks’ problem. i’ve seen it happen all the time, that oftentimes when people start identifying as trans, their dysphoria increases, because once there’s that belief that one is a man in a woman’s body, then of course that’ll make you feel dysphoric. whereas for me at least, it was much more beneficial in the long run to adapt my thinking, as opposed to treating my body like it was the problem. hopefully telling my story allows for my previous statement to make a bit more sense ✌🏼
As a fellow detransitioned ftm to female, i absolutely agree with you. The ones like us who detransitioned were NOT born with dysphoria like real trans people are. We learned to start hating those things about ourselves and finding a new identity. It is learned and then it is encouraged by the trans community.
@@lexo3121 thank you for sharing your story!
Having issues with your body doesn't make you dysphoric. I don't kwnow what is actually going on with psychologists in the US, but they seem to be doing a lame job on making sure people are really trans before they start transitioning. One more thing we have to remember is: not everyone who does not identify as a woman identify as a man, or vice versa. That is the problem of having only two genders in our societies. Once the possibilities are there, we can relate to many other gender settings, which happens through a subconscious process, as Lacan explains.
dysphoria is a learned coping skill for a lot of people who came out as trans after about 2014?
I just love you so much. It's clear that you've been through a lot, and I'm sorry you're still struggling. You're beautiful inside and out.
Thank you for sharing this video, i really hope that talking about it has been useful for you... cause i can only imagine the pain you are experiencing. You said that sometimes you feel like you failed at womanhood... are you kidding me?? Your journey has been so tough but you tried your best to find yourself.. i mean, one thing is transitioning but detransitioning? You should be so proud of yourself! Your voice, your facial hair, your appereance.. they do not define you. And even if you wanted to define yourself by them these are the traits that tells your story, the story of somebody who was transitioning into a man but has been brave enough to say 'that's not right, i'm not this', you've been strong enough to make the right choice for yourself, even if, as you said, is not the easy one. And now you are brave enough to put your face out there even if you know that people are going to judge you. People are always going to have expectations on you.. to me (i suffered social anxiety) the real game changer was to think "fuck that". The only person whose judgment should matter to you is yourself. Stop thinking about what people think of you. Take care of yourself.. you genuinely seem a good person.
You are a very brave, strong, beautiful young woman. That is what I see. Please be patient and let nature take its course. I truly admire you helping others in your position.Stay strong!!!
Elle, thank you for being so willing to be vulnerable and honest. You are no doubt helping more young women than you know.
Elle, thank you for explaining these issues so brilliantly and conscientiously.
your story is so inspirational, elle!! such a good video 💖
You are a great speaker. You do so well with linguistically expressing your thoughts and feelings, which for some reason makes me very proud of you and makes me feel very happy.
I love what you're sharing. I've learned so much from you. You are so insightful & intelligent & honest about what you've been through and why.
hey elle, i just wanted to say thank you for talking about your experiences on yt. i think a lot of people turn to the trans community even if they aren't necessarily trans because figuring yourself out is a process that can twist in so many different directions. i'm a trans guy and some of the thoughts you shared like 'becoming a man as a defense mechanism' was incredibly interesting, bc for me it was completely the opposite haha. being a girl was the facade and i couldn't stand it. even growing up all my friends were boys because i knew i was one of them, and i was always confused as to why i wasn't being 'categorized' with them in general.
i think a lot of people mistake discomfort with their body for gender dysphoria when it's not... this is why talking out your problems with people who can help you is so, so important. even though i'm trans i don't hate my body, and though it would've been nice to be a cis guy (understatement) i think i'm at peace with myself because i'm still here. there's physical, social, and psychological aspects of dysphoria and i think a lot of people don't take that into account when they adopt the label. personally social dysphoria was the worst for me. transitioning was the best decision i've ever made because i don't feel like i'm hiding anymore.
i'm rambling lol but again thank you for posting videos about this. it can definitely give insight to people who are going through similar things. you're beautiful - take care :)
please keep sharing, you're wonderful I relate to some of the things you've shared and I love having someone out there to relate to about these feelings
Your honesty is valued, Elle. Thank you!
Masculinity is an attitude, that is not defined by body type. Check out female boxers, basketball players and soccer players, the best of them have a very strong masculine attitude and way of moving and expression.
Or female bodybuilders! I’m amazed by them
I always love your videos, Elle. You are just so sweet. I'm sure you are helping others out there that started to transition and then probably went "Hey, wait a minute..." I really hope they get to see your videos to see if they actually do feel the same way, and they probably feel alone. I gotta tell you, Elle, I swear, your voice is sounding a lot lighter! I'd love to know what your days are like now, and what it's like where you live regarding Covid-19. I know for me, I am stinking' bored!!
You have the most incredible green eyes ever, I’ve always wanted green eyes prolly because it’s my favorite color, I mean yeah I have blue eyes but green is just my personal favorite and think they look stunning. Random I know hope you have a good day 👍
I so appreciate your on going self reflection and process of discovery ... I am learning so much from your sharing your journey ... have you ever thought of becoming a counselor? 🙏🏼
i love your honesty and how explain how you feel. thank you!
🥺🥺 thank u sm Elle these videos make me so happy
I love how you say Hello in every video.
It’s so interesting to hear your story bc while you didn’t have GD growing up & beginning puberty, I did lol and I never id’d as trans. I hated my boobs when they started growing and I hated my body so so so much. And then, at some point, I just figured out that I had to learn to accept myself otherwise I’d spend the rest of my life hating myself, and after a few years, I’m so glad I finally learned how. For the most part, I now love my body. Besides my Asthma, PCOS, and shitty eyesight, I have a wonderful body and I’m so happy to have it.
i came out when i was almost 15 but my parents didn't let me start hormones until i was almost 18, and at first i was mad that they wouldn't let me do it right away but now looking back im glad they gave me time to socially transition and make sure i felt like i was doing the right thing. watching your videos has helped me remove doubt i had about being trans that would cross my mind from time to time, i definitely know that i am. i hope you are able to be happy and feel comfortable with yourself, you deserve it :)
i identified as trans for ~3 years, came close to hormones but never did. your story is not the same as mine, but it makes so much sense to me, because most of the key elements are the same
*THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU FOR BRINGING LIGHT TO THIS* !!! I went through the exact same thing around the same age. Before I went on Testosterone for 3 years, i used to have an incredible deep, soulful singing voice, i was fully able to sing the hardest christina aguilera songs my whole life and almost auditioned for canada's got talent but i lost all of my ability to sing with the permanent voice change. And my clit got huge and now partners and myself despise it. I feel so suicidal because NOW i have dysphoria because i feel like a fake woman. I'm constantly conscious about the pitch of my voice and my facial hair. Now i have to save tens of thousands of dollars to get vaginoplasty and voice feminization surgert just to try to be myself again... i hate myself so much...
Milk Bread ASMR idk if you’ve already tried voice training before, but a lot of trans women have videos on making your voice higher if you’re interested. zoey alexandria’s an mtf voice teacher that has a fair amount of videos on it like this one ua-cam.com/video/TxlvvEmyBEk/v-deo.html
Hi Elle,
You’re awesome. You’re very relatable and I love your chilled attitude.
You’re unique and special.
Honestly , you’re just a girl with a deeper voice , I wouldn’t think twice about it, other girls have the same kind of voice.
I do this at work , I caught myself doing it today when I’d get uncomfortable. I’d act extra feminine with customers (act cute and smile and change my tone of voice higher ). And sometimes I’ll act masculine around a group of guys so they don’t think I’m interested. Most of the time I don’t realize I’m doing it. I think most of us do this to an extent. We all have a masculine and fem side.
Hi elle, you totally said it right. In puberty we have to go trough so many changes. We really struggle and we discover our sexuality. I was a very confused teenage girl, too. In some point i also started to identify as male but somehow i knew, it's not the right thing. I am happy i never transitioned. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life.
Hey Elle I am a trans guy from Germany and I Started to wach Detransition Videos not to Detransition but to have another View on things and reflect to do right decisions. Your Videos are very interesting and you are a strong Person have a great day 🍃😊
I don't want to sound mean at all! You said that testosterone fixed your dysphoria and you were fine with being a man and still think about it sometimes. Transition is there to alleviate dysphoria, which it did for you. How did you, even after having dysphoria "fixed", then figure you're not trans? I've watched your other videos, but I'm still a bit confused. I identify as trans myself and have been for many years and I've only transitioned socially among my college and friends. This is due to family reasons but also because I have always had this nagging feeling (due to anxiety) that if I transitioned physically "what if I later realised I'm not trans after all?".
I think you have to see her story as a timeline.
When she was a kid she didn't have dysphoria at all. When she hit puberty she had a lot of things going on (depression, body dysmorphia...) that a lot of girls have that age. Then she read about transition and in her head all the pieces fit together... that would be the only reason she had all these feelings of distress. So she went to a mindset that made her feel more and more unconfortable with her female body... so when she started to take testosterone it did for her what she wanted at the moment... it really changed her body to something she wanted at the time.
A few years after she changed. Her mind changed. Now looking back she feels that those things she felt as a teenager wasn't all about gender dysphoria and now she doesn't see herself as someone who would feel more complete if she was a man. She knows she is a woman and want to live in her natural body.
The point here is that transition is said to be this acurate solution for a number of symptoms that would be part of the diagnostic of "gender dysphoria" but for some people this won't resolve their feelings or it may resolve for a period and as someone grows older not anymore
What if being trans isn’t real at all? What if we brake down our own feelings around our sex & gender expression & try to trace them to a cause or reason? What if dysphoria can be managed or healed from? All things to be explored before making the very real & life changing decision to alter your body.
@Mavi Olave , it's so important to have someone you can really talk to, in real life, who will listen and try to understand, but neither encourage you to transition, nor discourage you from transition. Being able to SPEAK authentically like that, is part of how we learn who we really are.
Also seek for many other solutions for managing and calming the distress you experience. Every solution you learn that helps you is a good thing, another tool in your toolkit for handling life well.
Serene Singing I don’t know what you mean by conversation therapy but in my experience therapy for gender issues is pretty useless because the establishment supports transitioning as the “best” treatment. I think it’s important to remember that for most dysphoria is more about management of distress then about fixing it or having it completely go away. It’s very much like people with eating disorders or other addiction/mental illness. If it’s a fix your after you will fail every time. Some people will struggle more then others but I don’t believe damaging your body and mind through medical alteration is ever really a valid answer to mental distress.
one thing I know for sure. Therapists and doctors should be more trained in this subject and should offer more options to the patient. Also we need a lot more research than we have.
Thanks for sharing all this with us. People need to realize that hormones aren't something to take lightly.
elle you probably already know it but its not weird to talk about "becoming a man" being "a defense mechanism" for you. so many transitioning girls (ftm) have done exactly what you did (and more and more do it now ...unfortunately) and you are sooo not alone. being female is such a target in our society and it seems like common sense for girls who are being traumatized by overt sexualization and the psychological and physical violence committed against them by their environment to get away from that... by removing the target. its also so brave of you to be using your (wonderfully deep lmao) voice to speak about this when (ok, disclaimer, most of 🙄) the trans community so obviously wants that perspective silenced and erased. it also really resonated when you said you could dress "butch" (but youre not a butch ;)) and still be a woman. i think thats so powerful today and its kind of sad that it is so powerful. it feels like the 50s lmao. idk, anyway... im such a fan of you now 🥺
I'm ftm but I have the same way you do but opposite. You feel like you don't have to try to be a women because you are, and that's how I feel about being a guy. I mean, I don't pass, but when people disagree with me it doesn't bother me because I know who I am.
Thanks for this video. It kind of let me to look into myself with my troubles.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Elle! I have two questions though. One, do you feel any bitterness towards the trans community now? And two, how do you feel about people using your story to spread anti-trans messages? Ive seen a bit in the comment sections of your videos. I don't really know if you read them.
Hello! I just wanted to say that I think you are very brave for sharing your story! 😄
well since I saw your videos a few months ago, your voice sounds more feminine now. I havent seen all your videos and Im sure you looked into maybe some type of vocal coaching. But on a spiritual level, your soul journey has been expedited into radically accepting who you are and loving yourself no matter what. And you will, because that is your journey, its why you are here, and to share this with others.
I cant remember where I heard this, but you saying being trans was almost like a facade, I remember hearing that teenagers always feel like they are losing control over their lives which makes them make rash decisions. This is why some kids dye their hair so often because they need a quick change and they feel they have that control back. I forgot who said but everything you said make sense. I wish I could remember the exact words.
This is a really interesting contribution, since you offer the idea of a cultural base for dysphoria, and the self-reflexive signifiers we attach to ourselves. It would be completely wrong to regard one case as the model of others, but I would question how much anxiety is generated by profilicity and the comodification of self under different media platforms
You got me teary. Big internet hugs to you.
I think that jumping too quickly to transitioning as a fix for dysphoria shows a big flaw in our current system and culture. We aren't taking seriously and addressing many of the underlying factors that can cause dysphoria and therefore often fail to treat them. I'm sad to see that the depression and emotional struggles many people face are often not acknowledged. And instead there's a push toward a "change your body fix everything" mentality, when more and more studies show things are a bit more complicated than that.
I think a LOT (maybe even most) of the people that think they have dysphoria/are trans and don't really - have similar experiences to yours, in the sense that, they have some kind of mental issues and don't know where that's coming from or how to fix it. Then you find the whole trans topic/trans community and you start to believe that that's what's been wrong all along and that transitioning is going to fix all the things that have always bothered you. I have similar issues with my body and I think God that I didn't get convinced as a teenager that gender identity disorder/GD was my issue because I had a lot of similar problems with my body and would have been easily convinced that I needed to transition. I hated my chest (didn't help that I developed earlier than everyone else either), hated my vagina, hated periods, hated my voice (it's actually pretty masculine naturally, just hated it in a general sense), hated my hips, hated everything about myself basically. And now being a wife and a mother is everything to me and I know if I had transitioned at an early age, I probably would have ended up killing myself.
I truly believe that this happens to a LOT of people and that this type of thing contributes to the trans suicide rate still being so high even after transition. I think a lot of the people that believe they're trans really just have other issues and they don't know how to deal with it and think becoming the other gender will alleviate that pain.
I'm not saying true gender dysphoria isn't a real thing, I'm just saying, I think the medial system and mental health system need to figure out a way to better differentiate between people that truly have gender dysphoria and people that don't but believe they do. It's VERY dangerous for someone that is not trans to medically transition and I think in 20-30 years, we're going to, in hindsight, be able to see what a horrific mistake we (as a society) as making by saying "if you say you're trans, you're trans and no one, not even your doctor or psychologist can question that, and oh yeah, kids should be able to transition at just about any age." It scares me to think about.
For some but a lot of the reason the suicide rate after transition is fairly high is because of social reasons - being rejected by family and friends. Loneliness kills.
What would you say to people who are questioning whether they're trans? I've been questioning for over 2 years now and my mother makes me watch videos of detransitioners to make sure that I'm sure of myself. I'm so worried that I'm going to make a mistake but I recall so clearly thinking that female puberty was not going to happen to me. When it did, I was distraught (this was before I was really into the trans community). I just don't know what to do anymore... It seems like you had dysphoria before transitioning (or like you thought you did?) and I know I do but I always second guess myself and I'm so worried that I'm misinterpreting my own emotions... Any advice? I'm 15
You are beautiful inside nd out love bug! Very proud of you I kno?' this is hard to even talk about especially on YT etc... but girl your a rockstar...your amazing...your story is amazing! Your not different you are YOU mama's.....keep it up' much love
Xoxo Mela💜
I think it's brave of you to talk about that stuff💖 good that you've eventually found yourself💗
“ I have regrets” plain & simple. You were young & I this video is very powerful and hopefully will save some pain for others. I’m honestly like wow at 9:20 listening to you be so raw and honest.
You should do a video where you talk about your relationships with your family members, especially when you were growing up.
Your voice is improving by the week, and you eyes are very nice in the light here. I hope you find happiness. If I was 20 and single, we could hang. In my 20's I did hang with females who did not completely conform to the norms. I guess it helps that I am 6'5" and absolutely huge in the shoulders, because next to me, most people are fem. I do not pretend to understand your feelings, but I want everyone to be happy. I am on TRT, and my wife takes very small doses of T, because she has had a complete hysterectomy. The T has helped her hugely with feeling normal. You are much more attractive without the nose ring. The nose ring aint a deal killer, but you look to nice to use extreme things like nose rings and tattoos. You are more normal than you think.
Been listening to your vids, but haven't heard you mention if you are consulting a doctor about all your concerns (such as your voice, and medical changes). Maybe you feel like you're fed up with their bad advice, but you seem so alone in what you are going through, and surely you have questions they might help with. About your regrets, time yes, but technology that will come with time, will bring new options. Know this Elle, your testimony will save lives.
as an enbie who attributes it to severe body dysmporphia (and the fun part is i can acknowledge it all i want but it doesn't...go away? it's easing and getting better as the years go on) and societal trauma around femaleness, my personal experience in puberty was..so weird.
i went through a sex segregated sex ed class and got a little care package at the end of it from always with a link to the BeingGirl website. on there i learned about... a lot of stuff i didn't know about but i also sent questions myself because i was like. scared. everyone was hyping my period up to be this big thing, everyone was talking about boobs and i was recovering from the trauma of knowing that gross dangly thing my friends brother wouldn't put away is meant to go inside one of our bodies???? and then the sexual content people asked about..... 3:
sigh. so as i read more i started to get excited too tho? like wow my body will produce discharge!!! and me and my friends all im'd each other when it happened over the summer or if it did. when one of us got our periods we instantly informed the others, when we upgraded to a mary kate and olsen trainer bra with front clasps we all celebrated for each other.
until i got back to school. talking about something i had read, but not had time to send to my friend, from that website, a guy came up behind me and demanded to know how i knew about blowjobs. i deflected the best i could but suddenly this new wide world of experience seemed...scary.
then came the years of body shaming, slut shaming, mfing intelligence shaming. puberty? was WONDERFUL. in the midst of all my confusion i found beauty and empowerment in my body. i found wonder in what it is capable of doing.
society tho took it all out of me. i no longer wore the skirts and dresses that made me happy and feel free, i hid away in large hoodies and baggy pants. i ate so little that i could comfort myself with the thought "if i think hard enough i can just float away from here"
the way we were hypersexualized by the boys but shamed for any knowledge or interest in sex, the way i was always scrutinized by boys and girls alike, how grabby and pushy those boys got and how violent the girls got.
i didn't want to ever be a girl again. to this day i can't truly look at myself and see a girl and it... breaks my heart. because i can remember the actions of my excitement and happiness, but i can't connect to it. i can't feel it. how could i ever be happy about *this* shit? in my mental map i don't register genitals or breasts, it's like i can't...see it.
i don't know if that's dysphoria, but this is how i experienced my disconnect from my sex. i'm coming closer to bringing those images together every day, i know in a few years this won't be a fight i have in my mind.
i'm proud of you for fighting for your truth to be heard. if gender is as complicated as TRAs want to say it is, then this struggle needs to be heard too. your story needs to be considered too.
thank you for the voice you put to so many of our struggles. they may not be the same identical struggle, but. i think we can all reconcile with the utter fear of being female.
I relate to all that you say. Hypersexualisation and at the same time infantilisation of women are dangerous, and unfortunately society is not moving on from that anytime soon.
Hey girl you are not a failure as a female. I am a woman so are you, you don't have to try to be a woman you are ok as you are.
Ashleigh 💖x
Bruce Hutton Are you going to change your channel name? :0
That's a fat baby lie. Lying to make something wrong feel right.
@@Wickedthtz that's not a lie😡. I use Bruce's phone I don't have a mobile and he always uses the company's mobile.
Ashleigh 💖
Very interesting video, as usual. Could you speak more of your parents'reaction at that time and now? It could help some people.
Hey, elle. Just want to let you know that I appreciate you 💜
You are not alone... I totally agree, it is NOT EASY being a masculine woman! It sucks. I always felt like a black sheep.
(I call myself a 'masculine woman' because my natural thinking/behaviour patterns, according to many-many people are quite manly - I was always a tomboy, I'm outspoken, I used to fight and do lots of competitive sports as a kid etc..)
I feel we are ostracised just as much as feminine men are. I was always criticized for not being cute, dainty, or graceful and for being too loud and all that... I wished I could be a boy so I wouldn't have to deal with all these expectations. And yeah, don't even get me started on puberty... Growing boobs and being objectified by much older men!
I don't really know where I'm going with all this I guess I just wanted to say: yes, what you are describing is very real, you're not alone. Yes, society does treat manly women like shit :/ it's like anyone who doesn't fit the typical "manly man" or "feminine woman" categories gets a rough deal in life lol 😅
I've loved hearing your stories and your personality Elle, was wondering if people had any advice. So I'm trans, on T and 21. I don't want to detransition but hearing you talk makes me think that maybe I should face some of the things I felt and went through as a kid and a teenager but I have no idea how to do that? Like even if I find someone qualified to talk to I just feel like all I had to say is the statement of each thing that happened and nothing to follow it up with. Like I don't need advice as I'm out of those situations now and I'm happy but I also worry that I never allowed myself to process things at that time and pushed them away because of shame etc etc. Has anyone felt like this and found a solution?
Are you saying that you don't have any feelings or thoughts about the things you went through? Sounds like a textbook case of dissociation/depersonalization to me. Basically, your psyche protects itself by shutting down during traumatic events. That doesn't mean the events don't affect you though, cause they do and you absolutely should process them. I recommend seeking therapy. Therapy isn't just about receiving advice, it's about examining and understanding yourself and your thoughts/emotions/experiences better and thus growing as a person.
I feel that this is most "trans" people's stories. I'm so happy that you are finding who you truly are. I'm so sick of seeing Young women like you DETRANSITIONING and I feel for you, it must be so difficult being so confused. I'm a Lesbian and had a hard enough time coming out as a Lesbian, I couldn't imagine trying to convince my family that I would be trans! They know me and know it's so political at the moment and the sad thing is, is that young people are the victims of all this. Best of luck. You explained it so well. Especially, About the puberty not realising your body changing it just happens, your right it just happens. The Internet is a MASSIVE PROBLEM FOR CHILDREN GETTING TOGETHER AND COACHING EACH OTHER WHAT TO SAY TO DR'S TO GET ON CROSS SEX HORMONES. PARENTS NEED TO POLICE THEIR CHILDREN'S INTERNET USE, AS IT'S ALL COMING FROM VIDEOS, BLOGS ETC.
I remember when I was in 2nd grade and 3rd grade, I had a “one of the boys” phase when I liked my hair cut really short. In retrospect, I think this was in response to getting called names by the majority of the girls in my class (I went to a small K-8 school), so I guess I felt like if I wasn’t fitting in with the girls anyway, then I might as well not even try to blend in with them.
This mostly stopped after I started 4th grade, but then I started freaking out when I was 10 and my breasts started developing. I distinctly remember crying when my parents were explaining it to me and talking about how I had to start wearing bras. As for how they developed and how I started to feel about them as I got older, let’s just say that the funbags aren’t fun when they’re big and saggy. I never had any other problems with puberty or any problems at all with identifying as female.
I’m 28, and I guarantee you that if I was born 8-10 years later and all this happened, I’d have been doing research into this stuff as a teenager and come across people online who’d have tried to convince me that I was trans.
It’s crazy how you’d scribe your first experience puberty being like yeah this happens. To me I looked at the mirror daily when I saw first signs of changes from puberty as if I could just stare at my body and it would magically stop. It was a huge deal for me looking at my guy friends going through puberty the way they did and seeing the wrong changes in myself. I dressed in very baggy clothes and figured out how to conceal most stuff that was bothering me and got along for some time. With puberty getting further along I spiralled into depression cause when I was out and about I was perceived as male mostly with my clothes and I kept quiet most of the time cause my voice didn’t match the other guys anymore. But at home what was bothering me was blatantly obvious once I looked at the mirror.
on a curious note...did you havw your hormones level tested before t?
as a kid I once walked into the bathroom and realized I had male junk and freaked out. It was not a simple bother but a full on panic attack and I still remember the whole scene even at 29. The way the lighting was, there were only 2 people in the house, and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that between my legs was suppose to look smooth and that everything was suppose to be inside. I had never seen porn or even thought about intimacy or even my physical sex before until that point and then I was permanently stuck. I freaked when my floating ribs grew in. As I've gone through my 20s drugs dont help anymore and I've slowly started looking even more male and I'm falling apart. If people realized what dysphoria felt like then people would stop acting or being mistaken because you would realized this is not something you want to deal with ever. Early in life I had to have surgery for a cancer like growth and to this day I still wish it had killed me instead of my having to live with gender dysphoria. :D welcome to the world of gender dysphoria.
Hi Elle I was wondering if you had videos while you were trans and if you could react to them like you did with your pre-transition videos. I know this a time you don't like to look back on and are healing from but it might give us more insight in what changed of you while on testosterone and see the progress you have made now. Of course if you don't want to I completely understand. Thank you!
You look and sound great, congratulations on finding yourself at last
Thank you so much for sharing!
you should make some videos that aren't about your transition too, you're really funny!
You are definitely making some progress on your voice!
I hear my daughter say that she is feeling 'dysphoric' and me not knowing how to respond to her. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. This helps me be able to somewhat navigate into a conversation with my child. Thank you, Elle!
I'm glad Elles video helped! If i may, i'd like to remind you that though there are people who regret transitioning, like Elle, there's also a whole bunch of people who truly are better and happier people after their transition. By all means, test your kid, try to figure out if this is legit, but please be open to the possibility that it is legit!
Check out Mackenzie Evan (or is it Leigh?) for very good material about over diagnosis. Also, ImWatson on the Scottish gender recognition act. Both accept that transition has, and continues to, work for some people, but seek to make the evaluation of cases more robust to avoid misdiagnosis due to fear of the label transphobia. They are intelligent and articulate speakers. Mackenzie's video on 'dissolving the ego' was particularly amazing work.
@@moosboeke2160 Thank you, Moos. I'm actually a 55 year old gay man who has been around the community since I came out in the early '80's. That said , I've been around plenty of trans people and drag queens (there is a difference.) If my daughter showed any sign of being a boy from the earliest age, I would consider that she could legitimately be trans but after watching Elle's most recent video (puberty sucks), I am now convinced, more than ever, that she is NOT truly trans. Unfortunately, my daughter has a cousin whom she admires that has gone trans and is influencing my teenage daughter. My challenge is to try to listen to my daughter and here her as to WHY she wants/believes she is trans.
I was very fortunate to realize I wasn't actually trans before physically transitioning. I had socially transitioned, because from my understanding, "everyone who wants to be a boy can be a boy, right?" I didn't know about dysphoria or anything. I was very young and just thought that being trans meant wanting to be the other gender. As soon as I socially transitioned I regretted it. I've always had my hair short but suddenly every masculine trait made me uncomfortable. I did a lot of vocal exercises to make my voice deeper before I realized I wasn't trans and my voice is permanently damaged. I realized eventually that I didn't hate my body. I didnt dislike having breasts or a feminine body. And I had to re-come out as cis. Which can be very difficult. But I'm just so grateful that I never physically transitioned and that I found out I was just a girl sooner rather than later.
Vocal excersises don't permanently damage your voice. People heal from larangiitis..your voice is more than capable of recovering from speaking in a lower tone.
I never noticed my boobs, until my mother and aunts started fussing over them and the other girls at school noticed because I developed pretty fast so I understand what you mean. It was also strange to be sexualized because in My mind I was still the same as person as before I had boobs. All the best
Hi Elle! Thanks for all that! You're beautiful. :)
Hi Elle, can i ask - there is info on web about surgery to retention vocal chords to return voices to female sounding. Is this a terrible idea or heaps dangerous to voice or something like that as you said there is no real way and I am curious...
@@unruffledaria9643 thank you :)
I thought I had dysphoria, I was going through a really difficult time mentally and physically. I really just hated my body, now that I look back on it. It wasn't dysphoria as I thought, not necessarily. I am comfortable with the body I'm in now, now that I've accepted my physical disabilities and stuff.
This is why its hurtful for people to say „you dont need dysphoria to be trans“. Please wait to come out and please know the difference between dysphoria and other problems, guys.
You are a wonderful person.. Keep shining ! ! !
Oh god, everything you've talked about it so problematic. There are a tonne of young girls going through what you are/have. I can't believe so many girls are out there thinking that what's wrong with them must be dysphoria as soon as they become aware of the trans community. I don't know the solution to it all, I just wish more knowledge was available on what dysphoria and being trans actually is, and have medical professionals be more aware. This just can't keep happening. How is being trans such an alluring solution to a problem? I was terrified as I started to realise I was trans, and I certainly did have feelings when I was little of dysphoria. Like, if you didn't feel bad when you were younger and you'd never felt discomfort with your gender before, how can you suddenly think it's a solution?
I tend to notice that a lot of people who begin to identify as trans at age 15 then go on to detransition? Obviously that’s not the case for everyone but I see a lot of detransitioners who say they started to identify as trans at fifteen.
Your eyes are so pretty. Are they green?
You are redefining womanhood. Young women and girls need this message. Freedom to be who you are as you are. Also I think in general masculine ( but attractive) women like you tend to fare better than young men who are feminine. ( in terms of society’s values.) Women can get away with LOTS of masculinity as long as they remain “attractive.” I know as that is the case for me! At 58- I am a very happy masculine women who is wealthy healthy (highly masculine behaviorally) and highly happy!
What do you think of Jazz Jennings?
I love your bangs hon 🥰🥰🥰
Great video!
you are so beautiful and sweet! I'm in love with you and your channel. I wish you the best on this journey
I'm so distracted by the paint job in that room lmao lime green and orange??
I was twelve okay those were my favorite colors
I'm a female detransitioner too and I highly admire your videos. I'm surprised by the positive feedback you get from the trans community, because I hardly ever see that. I'm thinking about making videos too but I'm afraid of backlash. Keep shining tho.
Anyone got some recommendations about other detrans ppl or channels on the topic? I feel like most channels talking about that kinda stuff (not this one) are either terf-y or kinda transphobic 😶
Hi!
Adore you and your videos just have a question for you.
After all this with blair settled and you gained a large following due to the authentic person you are have you changed your thoughts any on the trans "lobby"?
You have touched on critiquing them and I dont want to put any personal opinions in to this but how has your views on the (especially online) trans community changed? If they changed at all that is?
If they have, in which way?
I'm just genuinely curious and get it's a kinda big topic to discuss in the commentary field of a youtube vid but if you have the time and strength some day I would love an answer.
And no, I'm not looking for a answer trying to make my own points valid. I'm just curious how a process like this makes you reflect over certain topics.
If you gone in to depth about this before I apologise and if you would be kind to just send a link to that video!
Thank you again,, you're such a rear gem. Not only within the detransition community but on youtube as a whole.
Thank you 🌸💗🌸