hey elle. thank you for sharing your story. i'm afab, and up until i found your videos.... which was literally yesterday, i was socially transitioning as male. i almost started hormones back in the summer, but my older sister convinced me not to go through with it, citing my vast amount of other health issues, both mental and physical, that needed care before i could start. i'm 25, which is quite a bit older than you were when you first started hormones, but what shocked me was how quickly the clinic i went to was ready to give me hormones. i had only been questioning my gender identity for a few months prior, and i assumed that there would be some sort of screening to make sure that the drugs would be 100% safe. there was no such thing. a week after my appointment, i was called with the news that my testosterone was in and ready for me whenever. i started to feel uneasy about it, and i took my sister's advice and told them i wasn't ready yet and i'm putting transition on hold indefinitely... i'll never forget the dark tone of voice the secretary said, saying "you know we DO have your medicine in..." like, trying to guilt trip me for it??? man fuck that. i continued socially transitioning off and on for a while, but after finding your videos.... well it all came together. my past is remarkably similar to yours, and i think i mistook my trauma and body issues to be "dysphoria" just like so many others. it's going to be awkward letting everyone know i'm changing my mind, but i'm at least glad that no lasting damage has happened. i haven't legally changed my name or anything like that. i wish you all the best for your future, and thank you again for sharing your story... you really did save me from myself.
Good on you for waiting and not immediately taking the hormones that were available. I know that had to have been hard. I think many people confuse body dysmorphia for dysphoria. Hope you are doing well these days.
It’s crazy how quick some places seem to give out life changing medicine. I’m glad you realised in time. For me the process has been going on for over a year and nobody has suggested starting hormones to me yet (I am over the age of 18 too and have been socially transitioned for 2 years)
yeah, definitely relatable. "i always felt like something was wrong with me and something was wrong like in my brain," hit the nail on the head. a weirdly high amount of detrans women i'm seeing were gifted kids, describe themselves as being high achievers + emotionally sensitive (a combo that seems to lead to a lot of self-hatred + desire to "fix" oneself). wonderful video, thank you.
Your comment just described me.. I started dressing and presenting as male but I stopped before I had any surgery or hormones and started seeing a therapist. That was all about 2 years ago. Now I feel much more confident in myself.
I am also like this. I starved myself after a friend body-shamed me and I tried to look like a pre-pubescent boy. I dress masculinely now because I like the look, not because I want to look like a man. If I would've been aware of gender transitioning, I think I would've considered it when I was in high school and my body image issues were so bad.
You are obviously very intelligent, and very introspective. I just subscribed because I am a mother, and I want to know why people transition, and then de-transition. I am sorry you had to go through this, but now you are helping so many people. And you are just so pretty and a joy to watch!
I was 39 when I transitioned, s parent like yourself, and tgere was zero information available when I was a child. Although I made it to adulthood and had children, nothing but transition ever fixed the issues. No regrets at 58, even though the other parent has worked hard to make sure I never see the children I bore, again. This is to say, don't go away thinking you can talk a trans youth out of transitioning. It is helpful to many, far more than these de transitioning videos would have you believe.
The fact that you're able to analyse and express yourself to introspect on your habits and issues, so that you can work on them, is a good sign. It's good that you're realizing all this now and not later, you have time to work on yourself.
ThinWhiteAxe the analyzing and black.and white checklists make me wonder if it's Aspergers. Often they think it's gender dysphoria when it's actually ”another planet syndrome”.
"there's definitely a problem with the way my brain looks at things...but, like, that's called my personality" (i felt that one) i haven't gone through the same things you have, but hearing you talk about it is so. interesting. thank you so much for sharing. :)
I can relate to you entirely. I transitioned m-f 30 yrs ago at age 38. I now realise I have an obsessive personality like you but have decided to remain in the female role. Doctors should be more aware of mental health issues with trans people and not allow chemical treatment so readily. My transition cured many problems I had but has introduced others. The best answer in my opinion is to live as a part time cross dresser, at least nothing permanent is done to your body.
I considered transitioning when I was younger and I can relate to almost everything you're saying. I was just fortunate enough to have a good support system that allowed me to seriously question my motivations before taking the first steps. Because once I was on that track it would have been very hard to turn back for me, I think. I also love that you don't throw trans people under the bus when you talk about these things. Keep doing what you're doing 👍
as a trans person, i am glad you are making these videos but i’m a bit nervous for some of my trans friends..... i personally do not relate to you but based off everything you’ve said the reasons you transitioned it appears that my friends are identiting as trans for the exact same reason. I’m very scared that they are going to ruin their lives and it’s makingme very sad. i wish i could help but i don’t think it’s my place to say anything..
I am literally so proud of you for being so vulnerable and honest in sharing your truth! I really admire your bravery to explain and discuss this on a social media platform girl!
Some aspies question their gender identities. They also tend to hyperfocus on things... just a thought since it seems health care seem to miss on this possibility.
hi elle, what a treat to watch your videos. i find them really captivating. you're so insightful and bright, and you're only 20... i mean it's rare to see people twice your age having that amount of understanding of things. you've made several eye-opening points that made me pause the video and think of some stuff, something that a whole lot of therapists cannot achieve in a lifetime. :D i like your vibe, you're very easy to connect to, looking forward to what you upload next.
ZoeSoldan, So true, I would be super super proud to have a friend like Elle, so interesting, clever, well spoken, an example for everyone of us. Hope she is taking the future with both hands.
As a guy I can say that you are pretty. Cute hairstyle and smile. Pretty doe eyes. Cute nose. 90s ish clothing style. I like how you look. Your voice will change back after time. Don't worry. Hope this is ok to say.
She said in the last video that she may do voice training. She has been off of hormones for a while and has not seen ANY results in her voice, and she fears that her voice will be a permanent change. I just hope that she will be able to be happy in life. Yes she is attractive, and no her voice didn't make it hard for me to realise that she is a female. But what's important here is her safety and security in life.
her voice will not change back. voice deepening from testosterone is permanent, it physically thickens your vocal cords. but she can do vocal training like trans women and she will be able to sound like she used to before just maybe with less range. there's also vocal feminization surgery but it seems rly hit or miss :x
@Amanda Lochmann You're not being very charitable. She was in a bad place with her mental health and did not have adults advocating for her best interests as a CHILD with some issues. She made choices, but a lot of adults failed her and that is NOT her fault.
In times of uncertainty, a checklist or list of steps to achieve safety and self-acceptance is so comforting. I offer the distinction of being driven as a survival tactic as opposed to being obsessive. Unless you see detrimental obsessive tendencies in other areas of life, I invite you to embrace this trait, as long as you step back and see the forest for the trees periodically. You are brave, and I look up to you even though I'm more than twice your age. Go Elle!
your videos have really helped me, it was about more than half a year i would constantly obsessively think about if i was trans, and recently i really thought i was nearing the end and was going to come out to everybody, i also experience an obsessive personality, and body issues, and even once you said you didnt care if youre a boy or a girl you just didnt wanna be you, i so get that. maybe in the future i will change my mind maybe it will turn out i was trans after all, but right now i will focus on getting fit and thin again in a healthy manner, do whats best for my body instead of looking for a medical way out of being myself. thank you.
I came here because I'm 20 and considering coming out as ftm. I wanted to make sure I knew every possible outcome, positive or negative. I really love that you're so insightful, I'm more sure of being trans now but I have learnt that I need to let it breathe and go slowly for now. I'm happy that you're living as your true self now, you're so brave!
My heart goes out to you. I think so many are unaware of how people can be drawn to transition for reasons other than gender dysphoria/being trans. Someone I love is going through a similar experience, so thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I hope you find your peace.
@@ellepalmer sometimes it can just be nice to speak about something and just reflect on it too. its different than just thinking about it in your head, because there is communion. and you have to really explain so your audience may understand and so you think about things instead of brushing over like how thinking to yourself would go. i like having another person that doesnt help, but they just listen and say "that sucks" or "i understand"
I'm trans (17 years old and high school senior) and i've been out since 8th grade (12 years old) as a transgender man. my story relates so much to you that i'm scared that ill regret transitioning (haven't started hormones yet). there are things that are different between my story and yours (obviously) but it just startles me that...maybe for 4 years i've been lying to myself. i'm so glad you can speak out and i'm so happy to see where you'll go in your adventure of life!
Jo Ko all good 👍 i've definitely had my fair share of therapists who have told me to wait bc i'm too young, but the overwhelming majority have given me the green light since i've struggled for a long time. each case is different so i don't feel like the "wait until ur 18!!!!!" is the right answer for every single trans kid.
Jo Ko thank you! i really appreciate it! i also appreciate that you're trying to help other young trans kids avoid making mistakes they can avoid and would deeply regret if someone had not put everything in perspective for them
Neverside Faerie again, i know you're looking out for me but i don't rly want unsolicited advice. i have anxiety so it's very natural for me to overthink things i'm really sure about. it's very easy to convince yourself you're not trans when that's what everybody around you wants
You’re the same age exactly as my son so I feel like I can relate to you but also I have a nephew now niece who is transitioning.... the personality that you describe is her spot on! You’re actually very in touch with yourself. I’m compelled to keep watching you. Please keep up your posting. I’m learning lots. xx
I identify as trans at one point and then I started to realize I took hormones and it was the wrong place for me and what I did was i d transitioned and I started to realize I was gender-fluid the whole time so I could totally understand where you coming from you're not alone and I'm 27 and I'm sorry that you had to go through something that I went through 😪 I was obsessed with hormones to and trust me that's all I talked about and I can totally relate to that and the only thing I wanted to be was a girl and now I don't even feel that way anymore
If I was 10 years younger and had grown up in the current political climate around transness, I would probably have come to the conclusion that I'm trans FtM
I find the way that I am treated as a woman very frustrating. No one takes me seriously and I've been pushed away from doing things I enjoy because I was the only girl
Yeah, I can relate to being fixated on stuff and being obsessive and feeling like I have something wrong in my brain. I really like your content, keep it up :)
You are absolutely a beautiful soul! The amount of courage to come forward and share your experiences is awe inspiring. I hope your videos reaches those that are in a similar mental place, and allows them to truly think about the future of their bodies. You are so beautiful! Thank you so much!
Damn I understand a lot of what you said. Especially the "so.ething isn't right with me". I've had depression since I was a little kid and have always felt like I'm different from everyone else, but now as an adult that has gotten much better. Hell, even the maturity difference between being 20 and 21 is so much. I've learned so much about myself in the past few years. I'm glad you're hopeful.
I totally get needing to find that “cosmic answeR” that feels like it could solve everything. anywaysss you’re wonderful and beautiful, I really do enjoy watching your videos! keep being you!❤️
You should expose the youtuber/twitch streamer who sext you when you were young especially if they still have a platform.... that is if you’re comfortable with it.
I'm currently in the middle of questioning my gender - i really dont know if im trans or not, but i completely relate to your experience of being an obsessive person. i too dont understand if its my adhd, if its a mental health condition i haven't been diagnosed with, or it that's just how i am as a person. but being obsessive definitely affected my decision to transition and my perspective of myself. it didn't affect me in the same way, but i couldn't let the idea of being trans go and the way the community presented the idea that if you're questioning your gender for a long period of time it probably means you're trans - i just internalized that obsession of transition and the idea of myself being trans and ultimately potentially created this false identity. who knows if i was really right, or if it was an obsession that stemmed out of trauma and internalization of different things. i definitely know that if i was right then im lucky as hell, causes there's a good chance that with the circumstances surrounding how i process the world and myself that i was completely wrong and it was a random obsession that i completely misinterpreted and ultimately went along with. another thing that i relate to is needing an answer to things. i definitely cannot even begin to understand or process a situation unless there's an answer or explanation as to why. i also just have issues processing things in general due to this mental dissociation i have. that's a toxic combination of traits to have.
Once again, thank you so much for sharing. Besides being trans, I'm also on the autism spectrum, and relating to people is difficult. I like your videos because you talk about your motivation, one of the hardest things for me to discern. In books and movies people have back-stories and "character development" and so on, and you can do a "wait, what?" and go back some pages or go back to the theatre and see it again and try and put it together. IRL the whole people thing is tough. Blaire is very real and up-front about motivations and describing her reasons for things. You are very real and have a gift for unboxing and sharing these things as well. BTW your voice is very easy to listen to, just saying.
You are a very thoughtful and intelligent person. I hope that counselling is in your daily plan...just to sort things out so that going forward you can be sure of what you're doing and not ever feel the need again to obsess about who you are...❤️❤️
I have an obsessive personailty too have from a youbg age and youre so right that it can be good if you use it for something good, I even obseesed about being trans too after sexual assult, like this was the answer, the magic pill that no one would hurt me again, I never went as far as hormones, but I did cross dress and bind and buzz my hair, Im glad I never did any permanent, so grateful, Im not trans, I really enjoy fitness and I dont like pink, but that makes me a tomboy, although I do enjoy a little make up and now I like good when someone tells me Im pretty instead of scared that they'll assult me. Youre doing a good thing, a very good thing, thank you, Ill keep watching
Thank you for sharing your thought's.. I never questioned my gender, but I knew I had a different mind set then my sibs, and peers..I did have obsessions . In school I would accell at certain things and totally flop at others, There was no middle ground at all.From age 12 all I wanted to do was RACE, any kind of motor sports. Snowmobile, go-cart, sprint track motorcycle, out board hydroplane, Ice motorcycle, Ice yacht, Drag motorcycle Any thing I could get into. I never had a hotrod car.. Ironically I thought street was too dangerous.. It took 30 years to spend all of my adrenaline. I can't regret my life choices, but I do notice I don't any of the things a man of my age should have.No place of my own, no offspring, No companion. But I have to be OK with me being me.. The way you spoke made me reflect on things I hadn't in a LONG time. Thank you for you being you.. I like the sound of your voice, It took me away... THANX MJ Mutz
I think maybe you should go to see endocrinologist/gynecologist so that they would help you to balance the hormones back to the female levels or would just control how it balances itself without any intervention
I'm also a detransitioned woman (8 months on T so a lot shorter), and I worry all the time about what it did to my body and if the weight gain and joint pain I struggle with is related. I've always been very very obsessive and I was also dealing with seeing the hypersexualization of women and the trauma women go through. I was terrified and I found a "community" that convinced me I was trans and not just super fucked up. This is one reason why I have a very hard time believing transition is a good thing for anyone. I think we really need to talk about how damaging all of this is without being attacked or attacking others.
I also have a very obsessive personality and lol tbh, it's hard for me to even recognize that and the negative consequence my personality has given me because of my obsessions which are really hindering me in life. A good thing about your transition really is that you know about this now, you can learn from it. Some people waste their entire life running away from their personality flaws/ downfalls. You already know and it makes you look at everything with an clearer mind.
First of all, I have to say I love your videos Elle! Second of all, you touched slightly one topic that's been worrying me for some time. I've watched on many FTM videos & found out - to my astonishment- that many people have a misconception about burping! I really don't know where some persons got that idea that burping is a masculine thing. I'm a cisgender 《man》- though my Latin American culture used not to consider gay men as real men- & I share the body with real/straight men. & we all endeavour to refrain that burping phenomenon whenever it happens. At least here, it's not polite to burp in front of others. Hmmm strange huh?
I don't even know you and your story is not at all mine but let me just say I am so proud of all you are working though. It's also so awesome that you are choosing to do this publicly in hopes to help others. I would love to know how your family and long term friends have dealt with your transition and now your de-transition.
dayummmmm I've never felt more understood in my whole life. II have a massive obsessive personality. I've always been the same way, check-listing, endless goals, always the "gifted" one, the one who "always on the move," "such a hard worker" yadadadada. dang Thank you for your channel.
Hey so I'm the same, always pushing myself to do better and improve, really high grades/expectations, etc. Once I thought about being trans I haven't forgotten about it. The only difference is I'm too scared to let anyone know, so I've been doing everything besides hormones like glute/leg excersizes, growing out my hair, and herbal medicines. I'm self aware that it's a fixation problem I have, that's why I won't follow that path any further. Also I'm a man, for context.
You hit the nail on the head! Love you and all you do😘 I am also a mom of a teenager and it’s so hard for your generation. Thank you for all you do. God is using you to change lives! God Bless you💕
Glad that you are fully able to express yourself, I think you were a really pretty girl , and you should just follow your heart on what and who you wanna be
I tend to fixate on things as well, so far as I know I'm neurotypical. But just as you said, fixating on positive and productive things is the ticket. Had I been a decade younger I may have found myself in your shoes. I'm so glad you're being so transparent and feel that you will help many.
Man, you're great. Your mind works just fine. Youre lucky to have been able to realize what you should do on your journey. Do you know how bright you are? Also, you're a great communicator.
The obsession aspect is interesting. I have adhd so I hyperfixate on stuff but it's never been myself... it's like books and tv shows. I have been told I have an addictive personality, and I don't even remember now if it was just an internet quiz or not. But I've been really careful about stuff ever since that. Never started smoking, never even touched drugs, etc. I was worried to have alcohol after I turned 21 in case I became an alcoholic like my grandpa. (I hate the taste of the stuff so I guess that's good?) I dunno. I've been in therapy for 14 years now, sometimes more and sometimes less, so I question my own thoughts and impulses. I actually could have transitioned for like the past 6 years (after I turned 18) but I knew myself enough that it would hurt more than it helped until I got more stable. I nearly killed myself getting through college, trying to keep my gpa high enough to keep my scholarships. I had to take a medical leave of absence and switch majors when I got back, it was *bad*. I kept having to get my depression/anxiety meds adjusted (and manage unmedicated adhd) so I did not need anything else messing with my body. I can be really stubborn if I decide on a course of action but I also will leave and come back to different goals based on changing circumstances. I haven't ever done well with goalposts, I don't know why? Maybe because they were usually given to me against my will? I do okay with goals, but mostly I'm just vibing. I rely a lot on gut feelings, it's how I decided on my high school, my college, my job, etc. I just knew they'd be right for me, and they were/are. The only bad things were the ones I brought with me. Transition is like that too. I know it's not going to be easy, but the timing is finally right and I'm in a good place. I could never picture a future as a wife or a mother. Not any part of it. Then I found out that I could grow up to be the man I actually thought I would when I was younger and suddenly a whole life appeared ahead of me again. I actually want to stick around and be a father, a husband. I used to read the weird genre of books where a girl (princess sometimes) disguises her self as a boy for whatever reason, and I always felt betrayed at the end when they switched back. It's not that I thought they couldn't be awesome as a girl, I just couldn't understand actually identifying as a girl. I don't think I couldn't be awesome as a girl either, I'm an engineer and headed places. I'm "special" because it's such a male-dominated field and it's probably more advantageous for me if I kept pretending. Hating women is the first thing my mom accused me of when I told her and hating myself is the second and neither of those things are true. I love women, think they're awesome and just as good as men. (Side note: never identified as lesbian even in the time before I figured out I was trans after I figured out I liked girls. It felt wrong.) I'm kinda watching your videos to see if I've managed to have this huge blind spot of self evaluation and it's a relief to see the differences between our experiences and how many there are. I genuinely thought I would turn into a boy overnight. I only actually accepted it wouldn't happen at 15 when I got my period. I have lost cohesion and flow. I debated on posting this, but yeah I'm just gonna sorry
Thank you for keeping up w these videos You're absolutely amazing 💕 And just wanna say that you shouldn't be ashamed or anything alike about your voice. I really like it 💕
Your so inspiring especially as I see a lot of my story in yours It scares me .... it adds to my confusion because I’m not certain I’m trans but it’s also comforting ...
It´s really interesting what you´ve said about the red flag regarding how obssesive you were about hormones; I agree with you, but probably, only people with an obsessive personality will be able to see it/understand it.
Wow, I was obsessed with religion as the same as you was obsessed with transition and hormones. I am a trans guy, and the religion was for me the way to "cure" my transexualism (i used to know only that word to describe my situation) so i understand u so much!. I also wanted to get rid of myself and the only thing that i could talk was that.
I can honestly either be obsessed with something or don't do anything at all. If I need to learn for a test, I won't do anything until the realization kicks in that I want to pass it and then I obsessively start doing everything I can do about it to reach my goal. This happens to the point that it's nearly unhealthy and I often barely sleep, because I need to work on my goal. I could've easily done four years of school in one and a half year if that was my goal. I can cycle a thousand miles in a few days if that's my goal; I'd only focus on that. So I kinda get how you feel when you get obsessed with a goal. It's extremely exciting when you're working towards it and even more so when it's getting closer.
It’s good to seek counseling and take steps to become healthy. Consider volunteering to help other people as well-so many ways to do that. It’s good to get your mind on something else besides yourself.
I hope you are at a point, Elle, that you value yourself, in spite of your perceived flaws, if you will. We are all constantly changing, constantly learning. I admire you, for stepping out, and talking about things that are so deeply personal, so that others are helped. I pray you love yourself, because you deserve love. I love what you said about your voice. You are an incredible person. 💜❤️
Could I ask a big question? I'm going through transition myself and have this same obsessive personality Q: going forward how are you not going to fall into this line of thinking again? What big lesson/system did you learn? How will you keep from doing this in the future with other things? Localized context and smaller questions below Even though I have the personality where I like to focus on goals and get obsessed, I genuinely think and feel that I like the changes so far with my transition. Same with all my other hobbies and people/things I've obsessed over. The important factor for me I think is getting out there and trying to LIVE the experience or idea or whatever else. Usually that will illuminate a fuller perspective. And I like living as me now Mtf myself, or nonbinary fem because my experiences might just be that different from a cis woman. I love presenting fem with friends and when I remove others expectations/trying to pass I become so much more at peace with myself, even though I'm "ugly" by society's standards. I love my squishy body, boobs, thinner softer skin, fat redistributeion, and can't bring myself to try testosterone again because I feel so uncomfortable with the effects comparitovely. Was this the same for you at the time? I do think about transition a lot, but I am enjoying other parts of life just as much if not more now as myself. Did you experience this? Or did you not find happiness when transitioning in other things as much? Only certain hobbies? Every part of myself feels better no matter what way I look at it once expectations are removed. Was this the same? The only things I feel fear about transition are when it comes to people thinking I look ugly or dealing with toxic shit in society and people. which I don't experience much and not worth worrying about in my current situation because I'm at an accepting workplace/community Thank you so much for your time and story ❤️❤️ I really appreciate you being vulnerable, that's something everybody should be able to experience
Wow, are you me? I feel like I'm watching a video about myself. Did you say in a previous video you have ADHD? If so, that might explain some of the obsessive behaviors, at least that's been the case for me. I also had an eating disorder and severe body image issues. I starved myself to try to look like a boy because I was body-shamed by a "friend" in middle school who made me think looking like a woman meant I was disgusting and no one would love me. I was also a gifted student, highly self-aware, obsessive, sensitive, struggled in high school despite my intelligence, very motivated, love lists. Hearing your story makes me think that, if I had been in a more liberal environment and exposed to the LGBT community, I would've likely wanted to transition and become obsessive about it until I could do it. I am glad I did not have that to fixate on, but it makes me so sad that that happened for you. Thank you for opening up about all of this. You are strong and brave. I hope that you are talking about all of this with a mental health professional.
I love hearing you speak Elle, and truly have compassion for you. My issue is your parents. Where were your parents in all of this? I can’t fathom parents that would agree to let their kid NOT go to school for 4 yrs. That’s every kid’s dream but as parents you don’t agree to it. Then you tell them you want to transition, and they’re just like, ok sure. You’re a child! But yeah, ok why not. I just don’t get it. I feel like you were let down by sooo many adults in your life. All the love to you babe ❤️
She talks about it in another video. Mentioned that the Mom wanted Elle to be 25 to be transitioned, but after a year of continuous pestering and manipulation, she got them to sign the papers for transitioning.
Wow people used to think this stuff was fun, I'm an older millennial and I'm terrified of this stuff, I'm glad you help young trans possible trans understand better
I burp a lot, I never knew why - I never even noticed it till I was older and people would imitate me (not in a nice way), my Mum told me I was a very gas-y baby so I figured it was just something in my biological make-up. So I just googled burping and I think my problem is down to food intolerances and gut problems (I have IBS), I'm on the spectrum and gut problems are very common. But I thought the following would interest you, as it says hormone changes can cause gut problems: pregnant women also have higher progesterone levels in their body. This hormone acts in relaxing the muscle tissue thus maintaining pregnancy for 9 months. However, this hormone also affects the tissues or the muscles of the digestive system, which then relaxes leading to more gas ejection through burping.
A lot of people in the medical field think that MAYBE (don’t come for me people, it relates to her video!) that a lot of trans people have very committed, driven, over achieving, obsessive, perfectionist personalities, and that iT MAY be a contributing factor. Obviously we don’t know. But it does seem interesting that those personality traits are similar like that.
I thought my mental health problems were who I was also but after going carnivore my mental health is back at 100% I didn't know feeling this good mentally was possible. Sugar/carbs are a huge problem for brain function. Carnivore doesn't solve problems but it allows you to deal with everything without anxiety or depression.
Hey Elle, have it looked at other FtMtF detransitioners? There's a few and some mention eating disorders and some very similar things to what you say. I'm sure you're already looking at groups of people going through similar experiences but I just wanted to toss it out there. You're definitely not alone.
Hi Elle I was wondering if during your depression you listen to music? If so what music helps you? I am so glad you are sharing story and wish to here more from you! And don't worry we got your back!
I agree with everything you're saying and I LOVE your videos please keep making them love love love 💗 Talking about obsession makes me wonder if some kind of OCD could play a part in your brain chemistry? Sending all the love!! 💗💕
Hey I just watched blaire whites video . And idk if you looked at the comments , but I guess there’s a way for you to naturally change your voice back . I recommend you take a look .
this is one of the most relatable videos I've ever seen. ultimately I refuse to ever go back to IDing as female (because on principle I won't classify myself into a category where I feel I have nothing in common with/feel aversion towards most of the members) and prefer to ID as nonbinary/fluid, but this makes me happy I never went through with a medical transition.
I have a pretty obsessive personality (probs due to my autism) and yeah I got really obsessed with the whole trans thing. Even know when you talk about it, I feel myself looking back on the days that I identified as nonbinary with fondness. It's weird. I have to remind myself not to look at too much trans guy/nb content so as not to fall down that rabbit hole again 😖 Also, I heard that gender dysphoria does have an aspect of obsession. You obsess over one change after the other. So analysing personality in that way would mean that no trans person would transition
Lol, belching was probably from your diet change....wasn't from your vocal cords. Thank you for sharing your story. Not many people want to talk about this but it IS important.
Highly intelligent people are very sensitive. I think you wanted to get rid of your sensitivity and become ''stronger'' to match what you thought you wanted to be, if that makes sense...
I think her taking estrogen would be unnecessary as her body naturally has it. Unless she were to take that for health problems, what her body's doing right now is being at where it should be. It's just that testosterone will always have long-term effects when taken for several years. There isn't much research that has been done on the long term effects of hormones for trans people, let alone people who detransition so I bet as things continue to change that her experience will let us in on what things will likely be for others.
As a trans woman, the effects of testosterone on your voice are pseudo-permanent. They can only be changed with training and/or surgery. Also, she may need electrolysis (because I don’t see a beard shadow, her facial hair may not be dark enough for laser).
Would you say you passed when you presented as a male? I can't find a picture, just curious because you look so beautiful as a girl! You are so introspective. I am a cis female but I related a lot to the obsessive/perfectionistic personality.
Wonder if you've thought about autism? I'm autistic myself and I think I had similar experiences to you with being obsessive and fixating on ideas (I go all in). Eating disorders are very common in autism because of that. Also, a much higher percentage of autistic people identify as LGBT+, I believe being trans/non-binary or questioning gender identity is especially common in AFAB autistics. There's heaps of misinformation out there about autism as it's been described by non-autistic people who saw behaviours from the outside but didn't understand the inner experience - so they got a lot of wrong. Best thing to do is to read words / talk to austic people to see if you relate. Here's a couple of good youtube channels: Agony Autie: ua-cam.com/channels/N9fwImPnx16e8-eThlKCWQ.htmlvideos Neurodivergent Rebel: ua-cam.com/channels/daQVw-dxYuZb2GXHL7LSjA.html Aspergers from the inside: ua-cam.com/channels/-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA.htmlvideos this is a good article: thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism
I'm definitely someone with an obsessive personality. It expresses itself more with relationships and dependency - but I know how you feel. I'm finding your channel extremely fascinating and I'm new a subscriber. ALSO I think you can get surgery to fix your voice. I know Nikita Dragun mtf did a surgery to make her voice more feminine.
hey elle. thank you for sharing your story. i'm afab, and up until i found your videos.... which was literally yesterday, i was socially transitioning as male.
i almost started hormones back in the summer, but my older sister convinced me not to go through with it, citing my vast amount of other health issues, both mental and physical, that needed care before i could start. i'm 25, which is quite a bit older than you were when you first started hormones, but what shocked me was how quickly the clinic i went to was ready to give me hormones.
i had only been questioning my gender identity for a few months prior, and i assumed that there would be some sort of screening to make sure that the drugs would be 100% safe. there was no such thing. a week after my appointment, i was called with the news that my testosterone was in and ready for me whenever. i started to feel uneasy about it, and i took my sister's advice and told them i wasn't ready yet and i'm putting transition on hold indefinitely... i'll never forget the dark tone of voice the secretary said, saying "you know we DO have your medicine in..." like, trying to guilt trip me for it??? man fuck that.
i continued socially transitioning off and on for a while, but after finding your videos.... well it all came together. my past is remarkably similar to yours, and i think i mistook my trauma and body issues to be "dysphoria" just like so many others. it's going to be awkward letting everyone know i'm changing my mind, but i'm at least glad that no lasting damage has happened. i haven't legally changed my name or anything like that.
i wish you all the best for your future, and thank you again for sharing your story... you really did save me from myself.
Good on you for waiting and not immediately taking the hormones that were available. I know that had to have been hard. I think many people confuse body dysmorphia for dysphoria. Hope you are doing well these days.
It’s crazy how quick some places seem to give out life changing medicine. I’m glad you realised in time. For me the process has been going on for over a year and nobody has suggested starting hormones to me yet (I am over the age of 18 too and have been socially transitioned for 2 years)
yeah, definitely relatable. "i always felt like something was wrong with me and something was wrong like in my brain," hit the nail on the head. a weirdly high amount of detrans women i'm seeing were gifted kids, describe themselves as being high achievers + emotionally sensitive (a combo that seems to lead to a lot of self-hatred + desire to "fix" oneself). wonderful video, thank you.
Your comment just described me.. I started dressing and presenting as male but I stopped before I had any surgery or hormones and started seeing a therapist. That was all about 2 years ago. Now I feel much more confident in myself.
I am also like this. I starved myself after a friend body-shamed me and I tried to look like a pre-pubescent boy. I dress masculinely now because I like the look, not because I want to look like a man. If I would've been aware of gender transitioning, I think I would've considered it when I was in high school and my body image issues were so bad.
Also autism and seeing things black and white
This is so true, and definitely applies to me too
Mackenzie Leigh absolutely I so relate to this as well!! Thanks to both of you for your videos. You’ve both inspired me to do the same!
You are obviously very intelligent, and very introspective. I just subscribed because I am a mother, and I want to know why people transition, and then de-transition. I am sorry you had to go through this, but now you are helping so many people. And you are just so pretty and a joy to watch!
Thank you for being a mom & researching this with an open mind
I was 39 when I transitioned, s parent like yourself, and tgere was zero information available when I was a child.
Although I made it to adulthood and had children, nothing but transition ever fixed the issues.
No regrets at 58, even though the other parent has worked hard to make sure I never see the children I bore, again.
This is to say, don't go away thinking you can talk a trans youth out of transitioning. It is helpful to many, far more than these de transitioning videos would have you believe.
The fact that you're able to analyse and express yourself to introspect on your habits and issues, so that you can work on them, is a good sign. It's good that you're realizing all this now and not later, you have time to work on yourself.
ThinWhiteAxe the analyzing and black.and white checklists make me wonder if it's Aspergers. Often they think it's gender dysphoria when it's actually ”another planet syndrome”.
"there's definitely a problem with the way my brain looks at things...but, like, that's called my personality" (i felt that one)
i haven't gone through the same things you have, but hearing you talk about it is so. interesting. thank you so much for sharing. :)
I can relate to you entirely. I transitioned m-f 30 yrs ago at age 38. I now realise I have an obsessive personality like you but have decided to remain in the female role. Doctors should be more aware of mental health issues with trans people and not allow chemical treatment so readily. My transition cured many problems I had but has introduced others. The best answer in my opinion is to live as a part time cross dresser, at least nothing permanent is done to your body.
I considered transitioning when I was younger and I can relate to almost everything you're saying. I was just fortunate enough to have a good support system that allowed me to seriously question my motivations before taking the first steps. Because once I was on that track it would have been very hard to turn back for me, I think.
I also love that you don't throw trans people under the bus when you talk about these things. Keep doing what you're doing 👍
as a trans person, i am glad you are making these videos but i’m a bit nervous for some of my trans friends..... i personally do not relate to you but based off everything you’ve said the reasons you transitioned it appears that my friends are identiting as trans for the exact same reason. I’m very scared that they are going to ruin their lives and it’s makingme very sad. i wish i could help but i don’t think it’s my place to say anything..
idk if that makes sense... i’m a little .. emotional rn so i’ll re-write soon if needed
@@lucelioaguirre4660 Hi, you doing okay now? How are your friends?
I am literally so proud of you for being so vulnerable and honest in sharing your truth! I really admire your bravery to explain and discuss this on a social media platform girl!
Some aspies question their gender identities. They also tend to hyperfocus on things... just a thought since it seems health care seem to miss on this possibility.
But many people on the spectrum are also trans though
hi elle, what a treat to watch your videos. i find them really captivating. you're so insightful and bright, and you're only 20... i mean it's rare to see people twice your age having that amount of understanding of things. you've made several eye-opening points that made me pause the video and think of some stuff, something that a whole lot of therapists cannot achieve in a lifetime. :D i like your vibe, you're very easy to connect to, looking forward to what you upload next.
ZoeSoldan, So true, I would be super super proud to have a friend like Elle, so interesting, clever, well spoken, an example for everyone of us. Hope she is taking the future with both hands.
As a guy I can say that you are pretty. Cute hairstyle and smile. Pretty doe eyes. Cute nose. 90s ish clothing style. I like how you look. Your voice will change back after time. Don't worry. Hope this is ok to say.
She said in the last video that she may do voice training. She has been off of hormones for a while and has not seen ANY results in her voice, and she fears that her voice will be a permanent change.
I just hope that she will be able to be happy in life. Yes she is attractive, and no her voice didn't make it hard for me to realise that she is a female. But what's important here is her safety and security in life.
Her voice don't fit her appearance but it's really a nice voice. As a non-english speaker it is pretty easy to listen.
Sounds pretty ok to me.
her voice will not change back. voice deepening from testosterone is permanent, it physically thickens your vocal cords. but she can do vocal training like trans women and she will be able to sound like she used to before just maybe with less range. there's also vocal feminization surgery but it seems rly hit or miss :x
@Amanda Lochmann You're not being very charitable. She was in a bad place with her mental health and did not have adults advocating for her best interests as a CHILD with some issues. She made choices, but a lot of adults failed her and that is NOT her fault.
In times of uncertainty, a checklist or list of steps to achieve safety and self-acceptance is so comforting. I offer the distinction of being driven as a survival tactic as opposed to being obsessive. Unless you see detrimental obsessive tendencies in other areas of life, I invite you to embrace this trait, as long as you step back and see the forest for the trees periodically. You are brave, and I look up to you even though I'm more than twice your age. Go Elle!
your videos have really helped me, it was about more than half a year i would constantly obsessively think about if i was trans, and recently i really thought i was nearing the end and was going to come out to everybody, i also experience an obsessive personality, and body issues, and even once you said you didnt care if youre a boy or a girl you just didnt wanna be you, i so get that. maybe in the future i will change my mind maybe it will turn out i was trans after all, but right now i will focus on getting fit and thin again in a healthy manner, do whats best for my body instead of looking for a medical way out of being myself. thank you.
I would love to hear how your parents feel now. Their journey. Do they experience guilt, pride, remorse, sadness, fear etc..?
I came here because I'm 20 and considering coming out as ftm. I wanted to make sure I knew every possible outcome, positive or negative. I really love that you're so insightful, I'm more sure of being trans now but I have learnt that I need to let it breathe and go slowly for now. I'm happy that you're living as your true self now, you're so brave!
My heart goes out to you. I think so many are unaware of how people can be drawn to transition for reasons other than gender dysphoria/being trans. Someone I love is going through a similar experience, so thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I hope you find your peace.
If you're not seeing a therapist, you probably should. Sounds like a fkton of things to unpack..
I concur! As someone who's struggled with mental health issues in the past, having someone to assist in sorting through them can be quite useful :)
or a good friend
in-between therapists right now, im broke, in college and ran out of cheap sessions on campus. I make these videos to fill that void, lol
@@ellepalmer as i suspected lol.
@@ellepalmer sometimes it can just be nice to speak about something and just reflect on it too. its different than just thinking about it in your head, because there is communion. and you have to really explain so your audience may understand and so you think about things instead of brushing over like how thinking to yourself would go. i like having another person that doesnt help, but they just listen and say "that sucks" or "i understand"
I'm trans (17 years old and high school senior) and i've been out since 8th grade (12 years old) as a transgender man. my story relates so much to you that i'm scared that ill regret transitioning (haven't started hormones yet). there are things that are different between my story and yours (obviously) but it just startles me that...maybe for 4 years i've been lying to myself.
i'm so glad you can speak out and i'm so happy to see where you'll go in your adventure of life!
Jo Ko appreciate it but i don't really want advice. i know what's right for me and so do my many therapists.
Jo Ko all good 👍 i've definitely had my fair share of therapists who have told me to wait bc i'm too young, but the overwhelming majority have given me the green light since i've struggled for a long time. each case is different so i don't feel like the "wait until ur 18!!!!!" is the right answer for every single trans kid.
Jo Ko thank you! i really appreciate it! i also appreciate that you're trying to help other young trans kids avoid making mistakes they can avoid and would deeply regret if someone had not put everything in perspective for them
If you're scared you'll detransition, maybe it's wise not to go on hormones for another three or four years...
Neverside Faerie again, i know you're looking out for me but i don't rly want unsolicited advice. i have anxiety so it's very natural for me to overthink things i'm really sure about. it's very easy to convince yourself you're not trans when that's what everybody around you wants
You’re the same age exactly as my son so I feel like I can relate to you but also I have a nephew now niece who is transitioning.... the personality that you describe is her spot on! You’re actually very in touch with yourself. I’m compelled to keep watching you. Please keep up your posting. I’m learning lots. xx
I identify as trans at one point and then I started to realize I took hormones and it was the wrong place for me and what I did was i d transitioned and I started to realize I was gender-fluid the whole time so I could totally understand where you coming from you're not alone and I'm 27 and I'm sorry that you had to go through something that I went through 😪 I was obsessed with hormones to and trust me that's all I talked about and I can totally relate to that and the only thing I wanted to be was a girl and now I don't even feel that way anymore
If I was 10 years younger and had grown up in the current political climate around transness, I would probably have come to the conclusion that I'm trans FtM
Same just because i was little bit boyish but now im feeling ao good in my body and gender ❤
I find the way that I am treated as a woman very frustrating. No one takes me seriously and I've been pushed away from doing things I enjoy because I was the only girl
Same
a lot of my friends at school think they're ftm and i feel guilty thinking this but personally i dont think they are. but i leave them be
Same I swear. I'm fine being a more masculine lesbian (but I'm still a woman). I'm comfortable with my body. Currently 32 years old.
Yeah, I can relate to being fixated on stuff and being obsessive and feeling like I have something wrong in my brain. I really like your content, keep it up :)
If I could hug you right now I would! Thank you for speaking so bravely about your experience!
Elle your speaking voice is absolutely awesome. You're such an inspiration.
You are absolutely a beautiful soul! The amount of courage to come forward and share your experiences is awe inspiring. I hope your videos reaches those that are in a similar mental place, and allows them to truly think about the future of their bodies. You are so beautiful! Thank you so much!
Damn I understand a lot of what you said. Especially the "so.ething isn't right with me". I've had depression since I was a little kid and have always felt like I'm different from everyone else, but now as an adult that has gotten much better. Hell, even the maturity difference between being 20 and 21 is so much. I've learned so much about myself in the past few years. I'm glad you're hopeful.
I totally get needing to find that “cosmic answeR” that feels like it could solve everything. anywaysss you’re wonderful and beautiful, I really do enjoy watching your videos! keep being you!❤️
You should expose the youtuber/twitch streamer who sext you when you were young especially if they still have a platform.... that is if you’re comfortable with it.
@Jo Ko there are so many more than onision sadly
Impressed at your self-awareness! You are on your way to helping so many people & not only related to trans issues. 👏💗
I'm currently in the middle of questioning my gender - i really dont know if im trans or not, but i completely relate to your experience of being an obsessive person. i too dont understand if its my adhd, if its a mental health condition i haven't been diagnosed with, or it that's just how i am as a person. but being obsessive definitely affected my decision to transition and my perspective of myself. it didn't affect me in the same way, but i couldn't let the idea of being trans go and the way the community presented the idea that if you're questioning your gender for a long period of time it probably means you're trans - i just internalized that obsession of transition and the idea of myself being trans and ultimately potentially created this false identity. who knows if i was really right, or if it was an obsession that stemmed out of trauma and internalization of different things. i definitely know that if i was right then im lucky as hell, causes there's a good chance that with the circumstances surrounding how i process the world and myself that i was completely wrong and it was a random obsession that i completely misinterpreted and ultimately went along with. another thing that i relate to is needing an answer to things. i definitely cannot even begin to understand or process a situation unless there's an answer or explanation as to why. i also just have issues processing things in general due to this mental dissociation i have. that's a toxic combination of traits to have.
Man you are so well spoken & self aware. Wise beyond your years
Once again, thank you so much for sharing. Besides being trans, I'm also on the autism spectrum, and relating to people is difficult. I like your videos because you talk about your motivation, one of the hardest things for me to discern. In books and movies people have back-stories and "character development" and so on, and you can do a "wait, what?" and go back some pages or go back to the theatre and see it again and try and put it together. IRL the whole people thing is tough. Blaire is very real and up-front about motivations and describing her reasons for things. You are very real and have a gift for unboxing and sharing these things as well. BTW your voice is very easy to listen to, just saying.
You are a very thoughtful and intelligent person. I hope that counselling is in your daily plan...just to sort things out so that going forward you can be sure of what you're doing and not ever feel the need again to obsess about who you are...❤️❤️
I have an obsessive personailty too have from a youbg age and youre so right that it can be good if you use it for something good, I even obseesed about being trans too after sexual assult, like this was the answer, the magic pill that no one would hurt me again, I never went as far as hormones, but I did cross dress and bind and buzz my hair, Im glad I never did any permanent, so grateful, Im not trans, I really enjoy fitness and I dont like pink, but that makes me a tomboy, although I do enjoy a little make up and now I like good when someone tells me Im pretty instead of scared that they'll assult me. Youre doing a good thing, a very good thing, thank you, Ill keep watching
Thank you for sharing your thought's.. I never questioned my gender, but I knew I had a different mind set then my sibs, and peers..I did have obsessions . In school I would accell at certain things and totally flop at others, There was no middle ground at all.From age 12 all I wanted to do was RACE, any kind of motor sports. Snowmobile, go-cart, sprint track motorcycle, out board hydroplane, Ice motorcycle, Ice yacht, Drag motorcycle Any thing I could get into. I never had a hotrod car.. Ironically I thought street was too dangerous.. It took 30 years to spend all of my adrenaline. I can't regret my life choices, but I do notice I don't any of the things a man of my age should have.No place of my own, no offspring, No companion. But I have to be OK with me being me.. The way you spoke made me reflect on things I hadn't in a LONG time. Thank you for you being you.. I like the sound of your voice, It took me away... THANX MJ Mutz
I think maybe you should go to see endocrinologist/gynecologist so that they would help you to balance the hormones back to the female levels or would just control how it balances itself without any intervention
You seriously helped so many people. I know, because you helped me. I am glad you put yourself out there and reached so many
I'm also a detransitioned woman (8 months on T so a lot shorter), and I worry all the time about what it did to my body and if the weight gain and joint pain I struggle with is related. I've always been very very obsessive and I was also dealing with seeing the hypersexualization of women and the trauma women go through. I was terrified and I found a "community" that convinced me I was trans and not just super fucked up. This is one reason why I have a very hard time believing transition is a good thing for anyone. I think we really need to talk about how damaging all of this is without being attacked or attacking others.
I also have a very obsessive personality and lol tbh, it's hard for me to even recognize that and the negative consequence my personality has given me because of my obsessions which are really hindering me in life. A good thing about your transition really is that you know about this now, you can learn from it. Some people waste their entire life running away from their personality flaws/ downfalls. You already know and it makes you look at everything with an clearer mind.
First of all, I have to say I love your videos Elle!
Second of all, you touched slightly one topic that's been worrying me for some time. I've watched on many FTM videos & found out - to my astonishment- that many people have a misconception about burping! I really don't know where some persons got that idea that burping is a masculine thing. I'm a cisgender 《man》- though my Latin American culture used not to consider gay men as real men- & I share the body with real/straight men. & we all endeavour to refrain that burping phenomenon whenever it happens. At least here, it's not polite to burp in front of others. Hmmm strange huh?
I don't even know you and your story is not at all mine but let me just say I am so proud of all you are working though. It's also so awesome that you are choosing to do this publicly in hopes to help others. I would love to know how your family and long term friends have dealt with your transition and now your de-transition.
dayummmmm I've never felt more understood in my whole life. II have a massive obsessive personality. I've always been the same way, check-listing, endless goals, always the "gifted" one, the one who "always on the move," "such a hard worker" yadadadada. dang Thank you for your channel.
Hey so I'm the same, always pushing myself to do better and improve, really high grades/expectations, etc. Once I thought about being trans I haven't forgotten about it. The only difference is I'm too scared to let anyone know, so I've been doing everything besides hormones like glute/leg excersizes, growing out my hair, and herbal medicines. I'm self aware that it's a fixation problem I have, that's why I won't follow that path any further. Also I'm a man, for context.
You hit the nail on the head! Love you and all you do😘 I am also a mom of a teenager and it’s so hard for your generation. Thank you for all you do. God is using you to change lives! God Bless you💕
Glad that you are fully able to express yourself, I think you were a really pretty girl , and you should just follow your heart on what and who you wanna be
I tend to fixate on things as well, so far as I know I'm neurotypical. But just as you said, fixating on positive and productive things is the ticket.
Had I been a decade younger I may have found myself in your shoes. I'm so glad you're being so transparent and feel that you will help many.
Man, you're great. Your mind works just fine. Youre lucky to have been able to realize what you should do on your journey. Do you know how bright you are? Also, you're a great communicator.
The obsession aspect is interesting. I have adhd so I hyperfixate on stuff but it's never been myself... it's like books and tv shows. I have been told I have an addictive personality, and I don't even remember now if it was just an internet quiz or not. But I've been really careful about stuff ever since that. Never started smoking, never even touched drugs, etc. I was worried to have alcohol after I turned 21 in case I became an alcoholic like my grandpa. (I hate the taste of the stuff so I guess that's good?)
I dunno. I've been in therapy for 14 years now, sometimes more and sometimes less, so I question my own thoughts and impulses. I actually could have transitioned for like the past 6 years (after I turned 18) but I knew myself enough that it would hurt more than it helped until I got more stable. I nearly killed myself getting through college, trying to keep my gpa high enough to keep my scholarships. I had to take a medical leave of absence and switch majors when I got back, it was *bad*. I kept having to get my depression/anxiety meds adjusted (and manage unmedicated adhd) so I did not need anything else messing with my body. I can be really stubborn if I decide on a course of action but I also will leave and come back to different goals based on changing circumstances. I haven't ever done well with goalposts, I don't know why? Maybe because they were usually given to me against my will? I do okay with goals, but mostly I'm just vibing. I rely a lot on gut feelings, it's how I decided on my high school, my college, my job, etc. I just knew they'd be right for me, and they were/are. The only bad things were the ones I brought with me. Transition is like that too. I know it's not going to be easy, but the timing is finally right and I'm in a good place. I could never picture a future as a wife or a mother. Not any part of it. Then I found out that I could grow up to be the man I actually thought I would when I was younger and suddenly a whole life appeared ahead of me again. I actually want to stick around and be a father, a husband. I used to read the weird genre of books where a girl (princess sometimes) disguises her self as a boy for whatever reason, and I always felt betrayed at the end when they switched back. It's not that I thought they couldn't be awesome as a girl, I just couldn't understand actually identifying as a girl. I don't think I couldn't be awesome as a girl either, I'm an engineer and headed places. I'm "special" because it's such a male-dominated field and it's probably more advantageous for me if I kept pretending. Hating women is the first thing my mom accused me of when I told her and hating myself is the second and neither of those things are true. I love women, think they're awesome and just as good as men. (Side note: never identified as lesbian even in the time before I figured out I was trans after I figured out I liked girls. It felt wrong.)
I'm kinda watching your videos to see if I've managed to have this huge blind spot of self evaluation and it's a relief to see the differences between our experiences and how many there are.
I genuinely thought I would turn into a boy overnight. I only actually accepted it wouldn't happen at 15 when I got my period.
I have lost cohesion and flow. I debated on posting this, but yeah I'm just gonna sorry
Thank you for keeping up w these videos
You're absolutely amazing 💕
And just wanna say that you shouldn't be ashamed or anything alike about your voice. I really like it 💕
Your so inspiring especially as I see a lot of my story in yours
It scares me .... it adds to my confusion because I’m not certain I’m trans but it’s also comforting ...
It´s really interesting what you´ve said about the red flag regarding how obssesive you were about hormones; I agree with you, but probably, only people with an obsessive personality will be able to see it/understand it.
Wow, I was obsessed with religion as the same as you was obsessed with transition and hormones. I am a trans guy, and the religion was for me the way to "cure" my transexualism (i used to know only that word to describe my situation) so i understand u so much!. I also wanted to get rid of myself and the only thing that i could talk was that.
Thank you for making these videos. They are so insightful and I hope that they are somewhat therapeutic for you💛
Been loving your videos, I'm happy you are talking about these things
Thank you for sharing! I think it’s an important topic to discuss and am thankful you’re willing to share
Watching this like: oh dear, that’s not healthy. Oh dear, that’s not healthy. Oh dear, that’s not healthy. Oh dear, th-
I’m glad you’re doing better
I can honestly either be obsessed with something or don't do anything at all. If I need to learn for a test, I won't do anything until the realization kicks in that I want to pass it and then I obsessively start doing everything I can do about it to reach my goal. This happens to the point that it's nearly unhealthy and I often barely sleep, because I need to work on my goal. I could've easily done four years of school in one and a half year if that was my goal. I can cycle a thousand miles in a few days if that's my goal; I'd only focus on that. So I kinda get how you feel when you get obsessed with a goal. It's extremely exciting when you're working towards it and even more so when it's getting closer.
R. V. B. This is pretty much exactly how I am too.
It’s good to seek counseling and take steps to become healthy. Consider volunteering to help other people as well-so many ways to do that. It’s good to get your mind on something else besides yourself.
I hope you are at a point, Elle, that you value yourself, in spite of your perceived flaws, if you will. We are all constantly changing, constantly learning. I admire you, for stepping out, and talking about things that are so deeply personal, so that others are helped. I pray you love yourself, because you deserve love. I love what you said about your voice. You are an incredible person. 💜❤️
Could I ask a big question? I'm going through transition myself and have this same obsessive personality
Q: going forward how are you not going to fall into this line of thinking again? What big lesson/system did you learn? How will you keep from doing this in the future with other things?
Localized context and smaller questions below
Even though I have the personality where I like to focus on goals and get obsessed, I genuinely think and feel that I like the changes so far with my transition. Same with all my other hobbies and people/things I've obsessed over.
The important factor for me I think is getting out there and trying to LIVE the experience or idea or whatever else. Usually that will illuminate a fuller perspective. And I like living as me now
Mtf myself, or nonbinary fem because my experiences might just be that different from a cis woman.
I love presenting fem with friends and when I remove others expectations/trying to pass I become so much more at peace with myself, even though I'm "ugly" by society's standards. I love my squishy body, boobs, thinner softer skin, fat redistributeion, and can't bring myself to try testosterone again because I feel so uncomfortable with the effects comparitovely. Was this the same for you at the time?
I do think about transition a lot, but I am enjoying other parts of life just as much if not more now as myself. Did you experience this? Or did you not find happiness when transitioning in other things as much? Only certain hobbies?
Every part of myself feels better no matter what way I look at it once expectations are removed. Was this the same?
The only things I feel fear about transition are when it comes to people thinking I look ugly or dealing with toxic shit in society and people. which I don't experience much and not worth worrying about in my current situation because I'm at an accepting workplace/community
Thank you so much for your time and story ❤️❤️ I really appreciate you being vulnerable, that's something everybody should be able to experience
Make a video about changes after going off testosterone.
She says it on Blair Whites channel
planning on it! probably next week, or the week after.
Part of it may be mental health, but part of it is also maturing and just gaining wisdom from all the crazy stuff we do.
Wow, are you me? I feel like I'm watching a video about myself. Did you say in a previous video you have ADHD? If so, that might explain some of the obsessive behaviors, at least that's been the case for me. I also had an eating disorder and severe body image issues. I starved myself to try to look like a boy because I was body-shamed by a "friend" in middle school who made me think looking like a woman meant I was disgusting and no one would love me. I was also a gifted student, highly self-aware, obsessive, sensitive, struggled in high school despite my intelligence, very motivated, love lists. Hearing your story makes me think that, if I had been in a more liberal environment and exposed to the LGBT community, I would've likely wanted to transition and become obsessive about it until I could do it. I am glad I did not have that to fixate on, but it makes me so sad that that happened for you.
Thank you for opening up about all of this. You are strong and brave. I hope that you are talking about all of this with a mental health professional.
I love hearing you speak Elle, and truly have compassion for you. My issue is your parents. Where were your parents in all of this? I can’t fathom parents that would agree to let their kid NOT go to school for 4 yrs. That’s every kid’s dream but as parents you don’t agree to it. Then you tell them you want to transition, and they’re just like, ok sure. You’re a child! But yeah, ok why not. I just don’t get it. I feel like you were let down by sooo many adults in your life. All the love to you babe ❤️
She talks about it in another video. Mentioned that the Mom wanted Elle to be 25 to be transitioned, but after a year of continuous pestering and manipulation, she got them to sign the papers for transitioning.
I love your intro.
And you make a lot of sense.
Wow people used to think this stuff was fun, I'm an older millennial and I'm terrified of this stuff, I'm glad you help young trans possible trans understand better
I burp a lot, I never knew why - I never even noticed it till I was older and people would imitate me (not in a nice way), my Mum told me I was a very gas-y baby so I figured it was just something in my biological make-up. So I just googled burping and I think my problem is down to food intolerances and gut problems (I have IBS), I'm on the spectrum and gut problems are very common. But I thought the following would interest you, as it says hormone changes can cause gut problems: pregnant women also have higher progesterone levels in their body. This hormone acts in relaxing the muscle tissue thus maintaining pregnancy for 9 months. However, this hormone also affects the tissues or the muscles of the digestive system, which then relaxes leading to more gas ejection through burping.
A lot of people in the medical field think that MAYBE (don’t come for me people, it relates to her video!) that a lot of trans people have very committed, driven, over achieving, obsessive, perfectionist personalities, and that iT MAY be a contributing factor. Obviously we don’t know. But it does seem interesting that those personality traits are similar like that.
Your mannerism is just endearing 🤗
I think you are well-spoken and you seem really sweet!! I hope that everything is going well
You have my full support!!
did you ever ask yourself, while you were transitioning, if being a man in the future would make you happier than being a woman and for what reasons?
Thank you for telling your story. You are helping!
I thought my mental health problems were who I was also but after going carnivore my mental health is back at 100% I didn't know feeling this good mentally was possible. Sugar/carbs are a huge problem for brain function. Carnivore doesn't solve problems but it allows you to deal with everything without anxiety or depression.
So many people forget that labels like gender or sexual orientation shouldn't define your personality
You're awesome Elle! Thanks so much for sharing!
Hey Elle, have it looked at other FtMtF detransitioners? There's a few and some mention eating disorders and some very similar things to what you say. I'm sure you're already looking at groups of people going through similar experiences but I just wanted to toss it out there. You're definitely not alone.
Hi Elle I was wondering if during your depression you listen to music? If so what music helps you? I am so glad you are sharing story and wish to here more from you! And don't worry we got your back!
I like the band Turnover :)
@@ellepalmer Nice! Maybe you would be interested in making a video about it, or make a video on what helps when feeling down? 😊
You were looking for structure. Once you get to the goals, they dissolve right in front of you. I get it.
You are a very intelligent woman... you're going to go a long way in life...
I agree with everything you're saying and I LOVE your videos please keep making them love love love 💗 Talking about obsession makes me wonder if some kind of OCD could play a part in your brain chemistry? Sending all the love!! 💗💕
You are strong and courageous. 🙏
You are beautiful. Good luck on your journey.
Have enjoyed hearing your perspective thanks for sharing!
Hey I just watched blaire whites video . And idk if you looked at the comments , but I guess there’s a way for you to naturally change your voice back . I recommend you take a look .
this is one of the most relatable videos I've ever seen. ultimately I refuse to ever go back to IDing as female (because on principle I won't classify myself into a category where I feel I have nothing in common with/feel aversion towards most of the members) and prefer to ID as nonbinary/fluid, but this makes me happy I never went through with a medical transition.
I have a pretty obsessive personality (probs due to my autism) and yeah I got really obsessed with the whole trans thing. Even know when you talk about it, I feel myself looking back on the days that I identified as nonbinary with fondness. It's weird. I have to remind myself not to look at too much trans guy/nb content so as not to fall down that rabbit hole again 😖
Also, I heard that gender dysphoria does have an aspect of obsession. You obsess over one change after the other. So analysing personality in that way would mean that no trans person would transition
awww I love you so much c: ur adorable! I cant wait to see more videos from u! I love ur voice!
Elle, You're a very feminine gorgeous woman! Never let anyone convince you you're not.
Lol, belching was probably from your diet change....wasn't from your vocal cords. Thank you for sharing your story. Not many people want to talk about this but it IS important.
I like watching you think.
I think you are adorable. And I a 55 year old straight female.
I loved every minute of your videos on UA-cam
Highly intelligent people are very sensitive. I think you wanted to get rid of your sensitivity and become ''stronger'' to match what you thought you wanted to be, if that makes sense...
So does your voice change back to normal when you use estrogen pills? And will you lose the facial hair?
I think her taking estrogen would be unnecessary as her body naturally has it. Unless she were to take that for health problems, what her body's doing right now is being at where it should be. It's just that testosterone will always have long-term effects when taken for several years. There isn't much research that has been done on the long term effects of hormones for trans people, let alone people who detransition so I bet as things continue to change that her experience will let us in on what things will likely be for others.
As a trans woman, the effects of testosterone on your voice are pseudo-permanent. They can only be changed with training and/or surgery.
Also, she may need electrolysis (because I don’t see a beard shadow, her facial hair may not be dark enough for laser).
Thx guys for the answers!
I've been loving your videos. I hope you continue to make them 😁 only if you want to of course
Would you say you passed when you presented as a male? I can't find a picture, just curious because you look so beautiful as a girl! You are so introspective. I am a cis female but I related a lot to the obsessive/perfectionistic personality.
@ Paloma Harper Forgive my ignorance but what is a cis female
Wonder if you've thought about autism? I'm autistic myself and I think I had similar experiences to you with being obsessive and fixating on ideas (I go all in). Eating disorders are very common in autism because of that. Also, a much higher percentage of autistic people identify as LGBT+, I believe being trans/non-binary or questioning gender identity is especially common in AFAB autistics.
There's heaps of misinformation out there about autism as it's been described by non-autistic people who saw behaviours from the outside but didn't understand the inner experience - so they got a lot of wrong. Best thing to do is to read words / talk to austic people to see if you relate.
Here's a couple of good youtube channels:
Agony Autie: ua-cam.com/channels/N9fwImPnx16e8-eThlKCWQ.htmlvideos
Neurodivergent Rebel: ua-cam.com/channels/daQVw-dxYuZb2GXHL7LSjA.html
Aspergers from the inside: ua-cam.com/channels/-FpBZR7DbpvNj5UrFN8qUA.htmlvideos
this is a good article:
thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-32/august-2019/me-and-monotropism-unified-theory-autism
What's important is what ever makes you happy..... That's all 😀😀
I'm definitely someone with an obsessive personality. It expresses itself more with relationships and dependency - but I know how you feel. I'm finding your channel extremely fascinating and I'm new a subscriber. ALSO I think you can get surgery to fix your voice. I know Nikita Dragun mtf did a surgery to make her voice more feminine.