The Truth About Detransition
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- Опубліковано 1 сер 2024
- Hi, I'm Elle. I'm a 20 year old FtMtF detransitioner. I was quite wrong about who I thought I was. Here is a snippet of what really happens in my mind.
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the day after I filmed this I sat down and filmed a video for Patreon which I called “The Truth About Detransition (on a good day)” because I was feeling a lot more positive about things, and having one of my good days out of the month. Check it out if you’d like: www.patreon.com/posts/39345277
You're a beautiful human being!
Link to the viral video?
Remember u r a strong and beautiful woman EVERY day!
I hope you are going through this process with a caring and thoughtful physician who can help you navigate your hormonal needs as you transition. I have noticed a pattern in your videos (and you've spoken of it several times) of your ups and downs, good weeks and bad weeks, and while it might be the depression you mentioned it may also be that you need some additional hormonal help while things are coming back. I know you are not a fan of medical intervention, but temporarily it may help alleviate some of the worst of these bouts buffeting your emotional state throughout the month. Love your videos, be kind to yourself hon.
You’re so likable! So even-headed and smart. I hope you have more good days this month!
hey Elle. I started identifying as a trans guy in February of 2019, I was so involved with FTM community on Instagram that I legitimately believed I was supposed to be male and that nobody could convince me otherwise. Fast forward to March 2020 I was about 2 months away from starting T, however then I discovered your channel and began to watch you videos that were out at the time. I watched you and thought “wow that’s similar to how I feel” I ended up identifying as female again. If you didn’t make these videos I definitely would have started T and I would have gotten even more engulfed into the trans community. Thank you for sharing your experience, you really did save me and I hope you’re doing great and everything for you turns out okay. ❤️
i am so glad that my videos helped you. thank you for sharing this.
This made me cry - it’s all worth sharing and putting your story out there if you can help just one person. Thanks for your comment it’s so important!!
I never started identifying as trans but after getting more involved with the lgbt community at like 14 years old I felt so pushed to identify as trans or non binary and started seeing all my insecurities about my body as gender dysphoria and thinking that I obviously couldn't identify as a girl because I was so boyish as a child. Luckily I met a more gender critical friend who introduced me to the more critical side of UA-cam which I am so thankful for because I am 100% sure now as a 19 year old that transitioning would have ruined my life, since I have dealt with some of my insecurities I feel much more comfortable in my body.
It's crazy that this is even happening to young people. Not that there aren't real trans people, because there are. But this new generation has taken it to another level. It's become like a trend, it's become cultish. Kids feel pressured by their LGBTQ peers to transition and identify as this or that. It's not good. You're one of the lucky ones who didn't go all the way with it. I believe this trend will pass in the not so distant future, and people will not be in danger of making life altering decisions that ultimately prove to be a mistake.
Bobby Bonilla Bobcat that is so true. I was 15 when this all started for me. I was at such a vulnerable stage in my life (and I still am only one year later). people my age like to feel trendy and accepted online. It’s easier for us to connect with our LGBT friends if we also identify as LGBT, but don’t get me wrong, i’m glad the internet is so accepting and inclusive, but for people like me, seeing that wasn’t good. I felt like the only way I could make close friends online was if I was in the LGBT community and looking back, that thought process is quite dumb. The more people who join this “trend” the more people who will be exposed to it, and that’s very concerning. I agree with everything you said, this hopefully will pass one day but I don’t see that happening any time soon unfortunately, I think the way to slow it down is to educate teens on how life changing transitioning really is, and hearing the stories of detransitioners is so important too. anyway sorry for rambling on
I don't know if you gonna read this or not, but I am a woman of 32 years old now, back when I was 22 I attempted suicide and broke my back in 2 different vertebra and my posture has changed the way I sit, stand and walk has changed for ever, I gained a lot of weight, I changed a lot, I lost a lot of my natural beauty because of the back pain drugs I had to take, at time I felt so regretful of the suicide attempt. And I feel you when you say I will never look like the way I would have looked like hadn't I attempted suicide which resulted in me losing my body shape, I just want you to know that you are not alone in this, I feel you and I am here if you want to talk on private, I do understand you. Know that you are still young. You still have a life time ahead of you, things will get better with time, never give up on making yourself happy again. Love and support from north Africa ♥️
I hope you are well now!
Wow, thank you for sharing your story. You are so brave to be vulnerable. Hugs from Sweden.
I'm FTM Transgender and I just want to say We support you! It's okay to make mistakes and despite the stereotype that "trans people hate de transitioners" we don't.
It takes alot of courage to admit you were wrong sis,
She wasn't wrong. The medical establishment along with schools & the social contagion encouraged by the trans community were wrong!
Almost every girl hates her body while going through puberty.
Resilience
Poem by Dipendra Tamang
Yes, she’s been fractured,
Broken down
And messed around
Taken to the heights
And dropped down
But
She’s picked herself up,
put the pieces together again
brushed away your dirt
and emerged stronger.
She may have lost a move,
But not the game
And now resilience
Is her middle name.
What a beautiful poem! So glad you posted it, thank you!
That is so lovely, thanks for sharing!
Damn, this is brillant. Reminds me of Invictus by William Ernest Henley.
That is a moving poem
❤️
Somber mood in this video. Hope you're doing okay.
I noticed that in a video about a month ago. I even commented about it telling her something, because I felt like she was sad. I feel like the weight of what's happened is getting heavier on her. The decision she made to transition, and then ultimately detransition. She makes light or the situation, but I think deep down she's really having a hard time. This is why more young people need to watch Elle, and learn from this. Taking hormones can alter your life in negative ways, if in fact you decide to detransition. Which more and more people are these days.
She regrets transitioning to a man. She’s sad
I think she’s just being honest and sincere. Speaking from the ❤️. Don’t see any sadness.... It’s called ‘being REAL’.
Oh Elle you do belong in women's communities. We are at a net loss without you.
Absolutely!!! I couldn’t agree more.
YES!!
I dont think your skeleton is going to be that affected. Im a 27 year old female and i have a MUCH stronger jaw and brow ridge than you. So I wouldnt focus on that at all. Youre really quite feminine, dont worry!
Me too!! All my natural cis female body made me look manly. And the vast majority of the world perceives me as female. I have really strong shoulders too.
@@teresamesa we are all different and it makes life interesting. my girlfriend comes from a family of big broad shouldered men. she is tall but still very feminine, which is awesome to me!
Same, her face looks femenine, if I see her on the street I wouldnt think she is a guy I just dont see that while looking at her face also there are girls that dont look "femenine" I personally look quite masculine because I have strong features you could say, I look like my dad basically
@@dimwitsixtytwelve i think kids these day have too much access to poorly presented information and they rationalize attractiveness and gendered features to an extreme. i'm glad i grew up going to the gym and the swimming pool and just being used to seeing all body types as valid. Of course the gender conversation wasn't so widespread, but femininity wasn't limited to the marylin monroes and waifs.
@blue BLUE that's probably the case. I hope she sees what we see some day.
Deaf subscriber here! Don't know if this helps, but just looking at you, you look 100% female. I can't hear your voice, obviously, so I don't know if that skews your view of yourself... But you LOOK like a beautiful, feminine girl to me. You have very soft features in my eyes.
this just made my day. thank you for watching!!
elle palmer And the eyes... smiling. ☺️
Seriously. I'm watching this with no sound due to hubby listening to music but you 100% look female. And I'd guess young 20s. I turned up the volume slightly to hear your voice and it sounds less masculine that when I saw a video awhile ago. You have no idea what you would have looked like at this age had you not transitioned. You may have ended up looking exactly how you do now.
This is coming from someone who could be your mom; You are as cute as a button! Most women would never be brave enough to post a video without makeup, but you have natural beauty.
word!!
we are so used to seeing made up faces that we forget what a woman looks like naturally. messed up
this is right, she is so cute, be happy with yourself, most people are struggling with their body in horrible ways, we have got something like a 40% obesity rate. you are very cute. I would look at someone like you as someone with a really interesting life experience, not a negative. i don't think i would ever get to date someone as sweet as her tbh. :s
I know that when my estrogen is peaking, my depression and anxiety do the same. It's hard being a woman. Plain and simple.
Absolutely! It got worse as I got older and I got pretty desperate until I went onto the pill full time (no hormone breaks)
That's why you shouldn't judge women who decide to transition or use estrogen blockers.
I don't think you look like a guy at all. You look like a very pretty girl. You probably think you look like a guy because you are comparing yourself to what you looked like before you started hormones, but other people do not have that comparison point.
Indeed.
You ARE a woman, of course, you will be accepted!!! I don't see you as having a masculine face or face-shape. You look like a pretty young woman.
You look like a beautiful woman; don't be too hard on yourself about your appearance.
As far as the voice, yes, you have a deep voice, but people will focus on what you're saying, not on what you sound like. I don't think people will dwell on your voice, and they will pay attention to your personality.
You're beautiful.
You're well spoken.
You've got some battle scars.
Sounds like the best type of person to me!
Yaaasss. 🙏
You will figure this out. I believe you are exactly where you are suppose to be in life. You’re going through something that some can’t even think about. All of these trials and tribulations could be used to help others. Maybe that’s why you’ve gone through what you’ve gone through. You have a beautiful spirit. And you will get through this💕 thank you for being open and honest about it.
Beautiful comment! Well said.
As someone who came out of an identity crisis just last year, I really feel for you.
I never felt good enough as a daughter or a woman from past experiences with an ex and the way I was raised, being stuck to the side once my mother had kids (I love my brothers now) with someone not my father who she kept away from me until I was older very selfishly.
I turned 18 and that year I had no idea that I was going to change for the worse, that I would dye my hair black and have it all cut off, that I would lose a lot it weight just to get rid of my hips with no hormones, and that my voice without me knowing gradually got lower just through my very own subconscious.
I wanted to be a boy to distance my life from being a girl, I changed my name to Sam and I lived like that for a year and a half roughly.
If it wasn’t for my friends who helped me through it all and let me express myself and let me see that I truly was unhappy, I stopped, and I slowly started to accept myself for my true self and that nothing that happened to me is actually me and not my fault.
The biggest change was when I met my boyfriend who made me see that actually I love being a woman, I love my hips and my big eyes and long hair.
I now wear dresses and my hair has grown just past my shoulders so far and I’m so proud of myself
And I so proud of everyone who finds their true selves, even if they have to make some mistakes to get there.
im in a similar place that you were in, the identity crisis. I hate the feminine things about my body and voice and really want to start T to change some of it. There were times when I felt okay being she/her and a GNC female, but now its getting more and more upsetting. I don't know if its internalized misogyny, having problems with the concept of "woman"/being treated different because of it, or my past of body image issues/self hatred. I desire to look more masciline and like being seen as a guy. I'm almost 22 right now and this is really confusing. Were you completely unhappy living as a boy and din't feel right about it??
What a wonderful story I'm proud of you your amazing. I'm Ashleigh I was born intersex 75% female 25% male no vagina, now with operations at 11 years old I had a new vagina constructed and since then 3 corrective procedures. I too always felt like I should have been male until I too met my boyfriend now my husband Bruce. He along with my closes girlfriends say Ashleigh you look sooo feminine not male at all but back then I was convinced I should be male. I now dress feminine, dresses makeup sometimes. I grew my hair out 6 inches past shoulder height, I am tall 5 foot 11 and have put on a little weight I was always too thin but now I am 26 years old and have just found out I am pregnant. For me definitely a C section birth but that's ok I don't care. So what I am trying to say is our minds can play tricks on us and make us believe we are something different and sometimes it just takes something or someone to bring us back to who we really are. Elle looks very female to me she needs to handle those dark days and don't we all. I think females experience more of those dark times than men because of hormonal changes through our month we just need to know that it's part of being a woman.
Ashleigh 💖💕💗
I wonder if there is a thing with detransitioners like anorexia where you can't see your real self now, that when you look in the mirror you see a distorted self?
Because you don't look like a guy. At. All.
That's called body dysmorphia! It sucks but it is something a lot of people experience.
Elle, you have experiences and a ways of explaining and expressing them that are SO unique. Your willingness to share that is such a gift to the world. I love the saying “What other people think of me isn’t my business” and I know you will get there someday. You’re more tuned into yourself than you realize, definitely miles beyond my mid-40’s self. People think I’m even-keeled but that’s because I hide/ignore my thoughts and feelings. I hope you realize how much help you are to people of all kinds, not just detransitioners. Your voice has become one I look forward to and find comfort in. When I see your face I see kindness and warmth. My mama instincts kicked in on this one and I hate to see you hurting. But I get it, we all have insecurities and you’re having to grapple with knowing you had a hand in creating them. You’re doing great, kid, just keep riding those waves. Much love to you! ❤️
I am a woman with a naturally more testosterone body (inverted triangle type) and struggled with dysphoria a lot in regards to my body. The best tip I can give you is stay away from shirts with chunky collars such as the one you have on here. These are designed to add bulk to the neck which is good if you're a delicate looking guy. if you are a woman trying to look more delicate they are not your friend. My favorite shirts are black mock necks (not turtle neck) because they minimize my neck. Or in the summer scoop neck tank tops with thick straps. I get the lace trimmed ones to soften and feminize my collarbone. Please let me know if you would like help, I am unsure what body type you have but I might be able to give you some tips. :)
No way, I have a few mock neck shirts and I always thought how cute I looked in them but never realized that it was bc they make my neck look shorter! My neck is really long naturally,it makes sense now why I like them so much
@@sadya16 what I meant mostly was that the dark collar minimizes the thickness at the base of my neck. :) but yes they are good for visually chopping up a long neck as well!
When I watch your videos the only thing I think about is "How the hell a 20 years old has such a great head in her shoulders?"
SERIOUSLY, the level of maturity that you show in your videos is amazing.
You seem to be like an awesome human being.
Agree wholeheartedly.
Dear Elle,
Time heals all wounds. I hope this gets easier each day. I hope you know many women wonder if they are feminine enough; in that, you are extremely feminine. There are women who look manlier than you do now with no testosterone, and they don't have to prove their womanhood; neither do you. Not denying the special pain that you experience, and the depth of that experience; but hoping you feel less alone in those small things. I think one day looking back you'll see other people around you struggled a lot with their body image as well, though in different ways. The real growth and goal is to stop caring what others think. I'm glad you have days where you feel like this, and I hope it will be everyday soon.
Also I know you get a lot of this feedback, but watching your videos one after another, the changes are super noticeable!! Your voice is so much higher, it doesn't really read as masculine to me anymore. Your hair and skin look great. And that's only one year. Time goes both faster and slower when we are in pain. I hope you can find joy in the meantime to give you the strength to keep going.
I wanna just say, I see you as 100% female. I wouldn't think twice. No lie.
You can do voice training ,do it little by little and if that doesn’t work you can get voice feminization surgery too ,I feel it will really help you because I have the same issue.
Some advice from a woman who’s “over the hill”. Firstly, remember that women come in all shapes and sizes. We don’t all fit the mold of a stereotypical “girly-girl” and that’s okay. We all have things about ourselves that we don’t adore. In my youth, I strived for perfection. I came to realize that, that - doesn’t exist. The standards for beauty are ever evolving and I’ve come to believe it’s to sell products. In the eighties, bushy eyebrows were the thing. However, not so much in the nineties. Of course, they’re popular again. I wish I had known this when I was young, but YOU define beauty. Be your best self and people will be attracted to that no matter what the popular trend for what constitutes beauty and femininity is at the moment. So many people, myself included, spend so much time thinking about ourselves, that we don’t have time to fixate on others. The few people out there that may judge us, are people we don’t want in our lives anyway. So try and not hyper focus on those thoughts. That being said, there are so many dermatological options out there if things don’t quite reach a point that satisfies you...DHT blocking shampoos, minoxidil for hair growth, prolotherapy for hair growth, laser hair removal for the other areas, laryngeal chondroplasty to change the voice and good old makeup and you don’t have to plaster it on despite the trend. For those with anxiety and depression, try counseling. It helps to bounce your thoughts off others. Our thoughts are normal, we just don’t want to fixate on them. Counseling can offer solutions to working through the thoughts . Stay strong.
This is a beautiful comment and great advice
I'm also a 20 year old de-transitioner, in some aspects I'm glad that I detransitioned at the time I did (when I was 18), because right before I decided to detransition I had the approval from my insurance for complete top surgery 😶! I had been on T for 2 years at the time, me having identified as a male for a total of 5 years
what do you think caused you to transition and what made you realize you were trans??
@@Ari-ih5un I think what caused caused me to transition at the age of 12 was the initial feeling of me being uncomfortable with the fact of me growing breasts, general female puberty, and the attention of men. Once I started to wear training bras, my mom started warning me about men's stares and fantasies and to always be careful of sitting properly and always wearing a bra no matter if the male near you is your dad . I guess the true reason for me transitioning in short was to escape this, which worked in a way, but it wasn't about me being trans (which I mistaked it to be), but rather me not wanting to be viewed sexually at a young age
See, I detransitioned AFTER getting top surgery.thankfully I don't really care much and barely miss having a chest
@@jacychavira1673 kinda sounds like your mom scared the shit out of you instead of offering reassurance.
@@ninjasylph I mean if it's not your mum it can be this patriarchal world in general who traumatizes every girl with a reality that is violent for every woman.
Elle, i hope you get to see yourself with our eyes soon. You are a beautiful strong woman who just had a different way in finding themselves.. your personality is so wonderful and you will grow so so much every day and i can’t wait to see how you do so :)
elle - i have really enjoyed watching your videos this year. i am 21, female & from 14-16 struggled w dysphoria. i find it challenging sometimes to extend compassion to my past self. i seldom feel compelled to comment on youtube videos, but your youtube videos have been a big lesson to me in self compassion :-) you have such a calming presence and your kind soul shines above all. please keep creating!
The Voice may not be feminine It's not really masculine either. But you do have a good speaking voice. Just saying
And I think you'd be cute in a cowgirl hat.
I’m a trans guy who came out the same age you did and I’m 5 months on testosterone. I keep watching your videos, looking in fear to see if I relate to anything you talk about. Honestly, your videos have helped me so much because I feel more confident than ever that I am truly trans. Idk, maybe in the future I will detransition but for right now, I feel comfortable with my gender identity. Thank you for helping me!!
Elliot, please stop harming yourself! Stop, you can't be a man, ever, and the testosterone you're taking is messing with your head.
@@standup2982 if you've ever met someone who's trans and the pain they go through to get that point. You'd think twice before saying things like that. And the amount of trans people around you who pass (although passing shouldn't be important) without you realising shows they will be accepted and taken for their gender.
Whenever people say things like you I just want to go oh shut up, and I'm not even trans. I hate to think what's it's like hearing it when you're suffering.
Stand Up he’s not harming himself, he is treating his gender dysphoria
Stand Up there’s a difference between actual trans people who experience gender dysphoria and the ones who transition and aren’t trans (no disconnect between the brain and the body). Please educate yourself on this
You know things are about to get real when Elle doesn't open with that smile and "hello" wave.
It’s okay to have these feelings! This is a lot for one person to go through! Thank you for sharing your life/you story with us! Someday, someone will be going through the same thing and they will have you to relate to! What a gift you are! You are right where you suppose to be! We love you!
This is so raw. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, and helping us understand you. I think that’s all any of us want, and why we all keep coming back. I have never met you and yet feel a connection to you, simply because of how beautifully you speak. Thank you for being Elle.
I’m a trans girl and I could NEVER detransition. My previous life as a male was a nightmare. I was miserable and I had suicide thoughts all the time. Living a lie and pretending to be somebody your not. I knew from an early age I was a girl inside. So I transitioned to female when I was in high school. And now I’m a happily married woman 😊
This hits me in my feels. When I was young I was convinced my body just straight up changed its mind on letting me continue to be female. I constantly had dreams my body was growing male genitals. I was teased in school, got called a boy or Half-man (play on my last name) because of my face, shoulders and competitive nature. I never felt comfortable acting feminine, but I knew I was a female. It took me so many years to stop seeing masculine features every single time I looked in the mirror and I was never on testosterone. I rarely wear makeup (though I love applying makeup for fun) and I wear "men's" shirts and I feel fine about it now because when I look in the mirror today I don't see myself that way anymore. I used to wish I could just be "normal" and like skirts and pink and other things the toy aisles made me think I was supposed to like. These days, I just see myself and sometimes I feel ugly and sometimes I feel pretty, but I don't see the masculine features anymore. I think it must have happened around the same time I stopped caring about other's perception of me.
Baybee, I watched this whole video and I absolutely love your honesty out here. You are young and I understand how some things might consume you but, I would try to put it aside if you can. I am a non-transitioned MTF trans person. Three weeks ago I was asked asked by a stranger if I was a man or a woman and since I was not presenting as “female” I told them I was a guy. There will always be those things that pop up like this for me and I usually just put them to the side because I know it will always happen. Even living as a guy, there will always be those things I can’t escape no matter what. I am too busy doing other things these days to think much about things, so I pretty much do what I want. Believe me when I say this, the world does not care. Leave it to those of the “straight” community to worry about all the silly things in life, fulfill your life’s purpose and what you actually need to do in this world and everything else will fall into place. Worrying to worry is not worth it and a terrible waste of time. As for the things you can’t change, there will always be people who love you and it may surprise you to find that it is because of who you are. I absolutely love your voice and if you needed to have permanent hair removal so be it. One thing I am concerned about is your depression, all I had to do was come out to alleviate this but, other people may be different. These days I focus on making music and building on my skills as an investor so that I may reach my goal of becoming a millionaire, by then, who cares about anybody else and what they think. It might be easier to just cut out the past( If you can.) and push forward to the best future of your life but, do not count on or expect anyone or anything to do it for you(This is rule number 1.). Love you babe and it is always nice to see out here. ❤️ 😊
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Your feelings are completely valid, and as a thirty year old regular woman I can assure you that a lot of what you're feeling is a natural part of being female. Our hormonal cycles have us feeling great part of the month, and then feeling awful and hideous the rest of the month. We all know how it feels to obsess over one or more characteristic about ourselves because we think it's not pretty enough or feminine enough. We see other women all over the internet looking impossibly beautiful and immaculately dressed with perfect makeup, and then look down at our sweatpants and hairy legs, and at our regular faces in the mirror with hopelessness.
Plenty of women who have never touched testosterone have facial hair and weird body hair due to genetics or hormonal imbalances, and plenty of women have bushy eyebrows and strong jawlines. And us women know that if you're not super pretty, or if you don't have an extroverted and winning personality, that you'll get largely ignored by society, and that sucks and we sometimes blame ourselves and think that it's because of a lack of something on our part. People tend to think of being female as only the aesthetic parts that the internet and society shows, but it's so much more than that.
I know how hard it is to accept what other people say about your appearance because I personally struggle with it, but for what it's worth you 100% look like a regular twenty year old girl. Plenty of women have naturally deep voices, and as I've watched your videos over the last several months I can tell that it's already sounding less deep. And to be brutally honest, the pictures you show of yourself from when you identified as a male look very unnatural and obviously trans, and now you look completely normal and feminine and at ease, and your body still has some settling to do, so it will become even more feminine. I know my face and body have definitely changed since I was twenty a whole decade ago, and I didn't even have kids. I hope you'll take care of yourself and continue to express what's on your mind, and just know that all of woman-kind is rooting for you.
your honesty is amazing. thank you for sharing your experience. 💕
Elle, I’m 62 and I think we never know who we are. There are days we feel flat regardless. You are you. This is part of you too. Part of your story of life. I am 62 and still don’t know who I am. Maybe we aren’t supposed to know.❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am also a 62 year old Linda, and I agree with Linda Cox whole-heartedly. I'm so proud of you!! You are so brave and strong. You are helping countless people with your videos. I think you look and sound fantastic just as you are!! xxoo
Thank you for sharing. I'm 39 and feel at times like people my age are supposed to have ourselves "figured out" by now. Maybe we're always learning who we are.
Agreed. At 46, I'm only just beginning to figure some things out about myself.
This sounds like the crux of your issue: that you don't know who you are and feel like you don't have an identity, after feeling like you had your identity nailed dawn completely. And now you're grieving.
Be graceful with yourself. You may grieve for a long time while you figure out who you are, and that's normal. But please be graceful towards yourself.
It's like this because God has put this void in our hearts...so we seek Him 🙏 I was lost, but now I'm found. Once I was blind, but now I see ❤
I just wanted to say thank you for being so honest about these topics. Ive been questioning myself for a very long time but hearing you talk about your experiences made me realize that I just wanted a quick fix for all the issues I have with myself. I dont think I wouldve ever went through with anything but Im glad I found this insight to help ease my mind and kind of open my eyes.
Elle, this was beautiful and so forthrightly honest. Thank you! I'd be lying if I didn't admit that is scared me a bit. The somber tone almost sounded to me like you have given up. You mentioned that every few weeks you have mood changes or emotional highs and lows. Guess what? THAT'S GREAT NEWS! Your body, your endocrine system, your pituitary gland are getting your body back in sync hormonally. The rollercoaster better have good strong seatbelts but the amazing news is that when you reassimilate your naturally occurring hormones, your depression will be better, self-esteem markedly improved, your body will "normalize" and you are going to be fine. Endogenous hormones are a slow-moving ship. It takes a long time to turn that ship, but she turns, If you were my daughter I'd wrap my arms around you and never let you forget how proud I am of you. Ok, hope this makes you smile. I'm the oldest of 7 kids. I had a wonderful mother who had a beautiful singing voice but who had a voice at least a half octave deeper than yours, I hear you speak, I hear my mother. I wish we could speak but realize that is probably never going to happen. Write a book. Make it a move, Educate people. You are a beautiful articulate woman with an amazing vocabulary and an experience, myself included most people are very unfamiliar with. I'm educating myself thanks to your amazing teachings and self-expression, Never give up. There is an old Irish saying (I'm of Irish ancestry) and it goes like this: FUCK 'EM Love you. If you have a go fund me page let me know, I'm happy to donate. Never forget the saying. Look in the mirror and say Jeff taught me this daily affirmation. FUCK EM! you are a leader and I am blessed to have our paths crossed. Affirmations are KEY xoxo
Your raw honesty is really inspiring. I just randomly found your channel and watched a few videos so far. Thank you for your vulnerability and sharing your story. I am a cis female. My heart hurts for anyone who is struggling or has struggled with knowing who they truly are. Sending lots of love.
When I first saw a photo of you I thought “yo, she’s super pretty!” not “oh he’s cute!”. My brain went straight to seeing you as a cis woman not a trans woman. I know that all of us beat ourselves up especially on our looks but trust us, you are an exceptionally beautiful woman❤️
You’re an amazing person. The reason your posts have gone viral is because you have insight beyond your years. Your struggle will be worth it because you have the power to help a lot of people. Not just detransitioners but others as well. Wishing you all the best.
Hey Elle! First and foremost, I wanted to say that we love you! I understand that you are struggling, and that's okay. Whenever it becomes too much, make sure you talk to someone about it. You're still processing stuff and it is super life altering. As a social psychologist, I know identity, apart from social interactions, is one of the most important parts of someones life and yours is now "in crisis". That's a pretty big deal. I really hope you get through this alright!
Even though my gender identity is clear as a cis woman and I'm 28 years old, I actually am still not the person that I want to become, and really uncertain. It's depressing. Through this video I realised that this is a big issue for me and I will bring this up for my therapy starting in two weeks. I should also take steps to become happy with the way I am. So thank you very much for being so vulnerable and honest, I think it inspires many people to find their true selves in whatever way they need to!
hey Elle! I've been watching you and your struggle to detransition and I need to tell you this: your voice calms me down. I know how you feel about it, but your voice, many times, got me out of panic attacks. when I start to feel that bad feeling coming, I listen to your sweet voice and you make me feel comfortable. I don't know why and can't even explain how you calm me down. just keep going and keep being yourself. thank you!
I'm so proud of your growth! You are so right that your body is perfect the way it is. You were made this way. It's those emotions that mess with our lives. It sounds like you are working through the emotional issues. Keep going forward!
You are a remarkable person. As a woman I see you as a woman, you have all the essence of one. You radiate womanness and no deepness of voice can take that away. Your story is going to help so many other confused girls. I hope in your darkest times you can see how much your story matters, and that you are truly making a difference by sharing it.
Thank you for your candor.
This comment. ♥️
Dear Elle,
Thank you for the video. You are extremely strong and brave woman. I really admire your honesty and courage to talk about such difficult and personal things.
Don't worry about your jaw shape or your voice - these are not things that determine femininity. You've been trough a lot but I hope and believe you will get over every crisis and lead a happy, peaceful life ❤
I saw your story and I support you, I'm proud of you. ❤️ Figuring yourself out is definitely difficult, you can absolutely do it!
You are so brave speaking about this. I wish you the very best and hope that each day things get even just a little bit better🌈
Binders and hormones are so risky and it's very saddening how teens on the internet are being groomed like this.
Watching this entire video, your sincere, immensely candid way of communicating yourself made me feel like I was sitting right in front of you and listening to every word in the same room as you. I wish I could give you the biggest hug. You are so amazing, and I wish that this journey you are on didn’t have to be so hard. Don’t stop taking care of yourself, I hope your spirits lift and that each day and step forward gets a little bit brighter. Thank you for sharing this. I wish we could be friends! ❤️
I‘m Ftm and i‘ve been transitioning for 8 yrs now.For me it was the right decision. I‘m just here to say i started watching your videos only today. To educate myself on the detransition topic. You‘re beautiful and you‘re so so brave for going thru all of this and being this honest to yourself.I can only imagine how hard that must have been or actually still is. Keep doing you, you are awesome and a beautiful young woman!
What a beautiful soul!! You are amazing, and genuine! I love that you share your story with the highs and the lows included. You are such an inspiration and you have all my virtual hugs and positive thoughts!
Thank you for being so candid. You are a beautiful woman. And you will move on to the next phase and you will touch so many because you have gone through this. You will be stronger, more confident and secure.
I am not sure why I am seeing retransition videos in my feed but I am glad. it helps me be a better person and have compassion for others who have lived differently than myself. I have a ton of questions but I am sure if I look I will find the answers. Thank you for broadening my way of thinking.
You are so brave to share your story and Im guessing its helped so many people who have and maybe have not left comments. How you are is part if your life and your story. You appear such a beautiful person and be proud of who you are now and will be in the future and celebrate your past. You are an incredibly brave woman and never forget that. Much love coming to you.
You are who you are and you do fit in.. just in your own way. Regardless of what do identified as before and what you identify as now, doesnt matter. You are the person you are and nobody can take that away from you. Your experience is so so so important for yourself and anyone going through a similar path as yours. And the fact that you are speaking up for you and people who may not be able to speaks loads of the beautiful human being that you are and the amount of respect and support and love that you deserve. I dont know you but I hope you know that you have support everywhere and if I could (y'know distance, covid, etc) I'd come give you a big hug and if bring my dog so she can give you a nice big hug and kiss too. You're so strong and even if I dont know you, you have all my support. I hope this isnt creepy lol some stranger on the internet but I thought it was important to share
Omg your voice!!! It's so different from when you started making videos!! It's amazing :D
Elle, the first thing I see when I look at you - is a female. A very pretty female! Period. I would never think twice about it. As for your voice - it sounds like it is changing every time you do a vid. You are so young- you may not think in those terms bc of what you have experienced in your life already, but trust me when I say time really does have its way of putting things in our rear view mirror. Shadows of the past can only haunt us if we hold on to them. You are a beacon of light for others going through similar experiences - and you are strong - probably stronger than you know. And btw - I'm happy everyday of the month...said no one ever! Hang in there. You'll be alright. Give yourself some time.
You should change nothing. You are perfect exactly the way you are. Can you improve, yes, but so can everyone. I love your strength and your vulnerability on camera, thank you for sharing. Be safe!
Thank you for uploading this and giving your unique experience and views so people can learn and relate. I’m sorry you go through rough times. I think a lot of people around our age go through the process of learning who they are- yours just happens to be in terms of gender and finding a comfortable place. You’re exactly where you need to be in your life. It will always be a learning and growing process. And i’m so proud of all the insight and decisions you’ve made to continue to become the person you are meant to be. You’ve had a difficult journey, and it will continue to be difficult but it will be worth it. I send you all my love and support.
The reformation of your identity after losing a major component of it is hard work. It's painful. It's scary. You feel lost, depressed, angry, and empty. I found myself there after losing my partner of 8 years. I didn't realize it before the loss, but my whole identity was founded on being in that relationship. Then suddenly, without warning, he just left. My whole sense of self collapsed. I spent like 18 months in deep grief and depression. I spent probably another 18 months learning who the hell I was, as an individual and as a woman. And you know what? Seven years on, I think that was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned so much and became so much more free, more healthy, and more powerful for having had that horrendously difficult learning experience. I know it's so hard to see ahead to a day when you will be grateful for having gone through this, but it is coming. You are going to know who you are on a level that other people may never come to do their whole lives, and you will be rock solid and grounded by that knowledge. Hang in there. You're going to be great.
Hey Elle. Thank you so much for posting this video. You and I have similar yet different experiences. I've noticed you post about your journey and for me it's been similar although I'm a couple years older and took testosterone a couple years longer and a couple years later. I also have dark hair which doesn't help with the beard thing haha.
I've also noticed that you've noticed some of my comments and it feels really nice to be seen and feel like I may have helped you with words of encouragement or experience like you have me. So I was thinking while watching this video, "what would I want Elle to know/hear?" There are a few things that come to mind:
First I want to tell you that you're not alone. The way that you feel right now is valid and a very important part of this journey. I know in my journey a recurrent theme is the fact that for the first time I'm accepting myself as a woman. With that comes many challenges and one that I've noticed is the body image issues I face. I recently did an interview on UA-cam where one commenter refused to believe that I was a detransitioned woman and accused me of being a transwoman who was lying. At the same time I do lots of community work with my church and the service users I see have no idea I ever transitioned. Sometimes I look in the mirror and feel that I look good - other times I fear all the things you mentioned and more. I've also noticed the influx of anxiety at around the 5 months off hormones mark - I agree with your reasoning as to why being off testosterone can contribute to those issues.
The next thing I want to mention is how female you look and how easy it is to warp your perspective. Of course there will always be some people who think you look masculine but remember that that even happens to some women who've never taken hormones. One thing that testosterone has done is aged us - it's almost like menopause in that way. Of course beard growth and Adam's Apple development are not generally included in that but you can bet that face shape change is. You were never going to look like your 15 year old self at 20, hormones or not. This is your 20 year old self and she is an overcomer - she is a woman deserving of the name woman. And she doesn't strike me as a man when I look at her. Again I know some women who've never taken hormones who look more masculine than you do.
And that brings me to my final point: you are accepted as a woman by me. Maybe that doesn't mean much on its own but I don't think I'm alone in saying that. So many of us here see you as yourself and as a female who also has a complex and amazing personality.
You are seen. You are loved. You are you.
Be blessed Elle - go have a hot chocolate :)
Hi Elle. Thank you for sharing your story and your experiences with us. I've been wrestling with the possibility of detransitioning and I can't thank you enough for putting your thoughts and feelings out there and being so vulnerable! It really means a lot to be hearing from voices like yours. Best of luck to you
Elle, the fact that you can be honest with yourself, and others - strangers on UA-cam - about your mixed feelings is such a positive thing. Because you circumvented your puberty experience as a female with your transitioning, you are probably dealing with a lot of emotions you might have already dealt with, had you not gone on testosterone, etc. Be kind and patient with yourself. You've got some "catching up" to do, as well as some "undoing" to do. Most women do not feel good about themselves, physically or emotionally. I know it took me well into my twenties before I felt comfortable in my own skin. I'm in my sixties now, and there are plenty of grown women who never work through their insecurities. As far as your physical appearance, I can assure you that there are girls and women out there that have never touched testosterone and look and sound way more "manly" than you do now. I guess I'm just trying to say that you're doing an amazing job of working through everything. I would be proud to have you as my daughter, and I truly mean that. You are an amazing young woman, and you should be very proud of all that you have accomplished in your relatively short life.
Hugs to you Elle! The word that stood out through much of this was “myself” - yes - my-self....your-self. These are experienced that only you will truly understand and these experiences are totally unique to you. It will be tough - and this is your journey. Glad you are sharing this with the world. We need you!
I'm very happy for you for realizing all the things you've mentioned in the video, and that they're helping you feel more comfortable with yourself nowadays! I wish all the best to you and all the other people who are going through similar experiences.
I have been watching your videos since March. Watching them has made me learn a lot about the trans community and the struggles that trans and detransitioning people face. Thank you for sharing your story! It has encouraged me in ways I didn't know I could be!
I don't know if you know Jesus Christ, but something about your story reminded me of his resurrection. Even after he rose from the dead, he still carried the scars from the nails that were driven into his hands. He still had the scar in his side where the soldier at the Cross plunged the spear. This means that all the pain of the past bears a purpose. He remembers his own wounds by bearing them. They tell the story of the redemption of the world, and how he suffered and died for us, for every part of us. The scars and remnants from your time identifying as a male are a similar reminder. The past can't be erased, and we wear that fact on our body, of course. But every mark is there for a reason. What reason? Well we can either look at our wounds and say "yeah, that happened" or we can ask ourselves what that wound means in the context of our whole story as an individual. I think that St. Augustine said it well: "Lord, you have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you." This is the cry of every man's heart, whether he knows Christ or does not. Christ is our brother, our advocate, our friend. We truly know ourselves when we are known by God.
I am not saying to go and repent or anything like that. But if you don't know Christ, and something about this resonates with you, read the Scriptures for yourself! I met my maker there.
Once again, thank you for sharing your story!! You are wonderfully made.
Elle, I want to sincerely thank you for sharing your story. Your message deeply touched me and opened my eyes to the experiences of people detransitioning. You speak with abundant wisdom, and I learned so much from you in this video alone. I hope you continue to share your story to inspire people like me. Thank you again. Wishing you all the best
Elle, you are just so brave and so raw. I only subscribe to a handful of channels, and yours is my favorite. I have chronic anxiety and depression and I am lucky to have never questioned my gender. You are strong and you are an important soul with an important message. Stay strong lovely human! x
Thank you for sharing your story. I think it’s important to remember that everyone struggles at some point with their body not being the way they want it to be. It may not always be as extreme as dysphoria, but maybe weight, acne, body type, etc. I can relate to your struggle and I thank you for being so open and honest. You were on T for three years, I know it’s hard, but give it time. There is not just one way to look like a woman, jawline or body hair or not. You are valued and worthy and I hope you find a place of peace and acceptance with your body. ♥️
Sending great big internet hugs! Thank you for sharing your story. You may never know how many people your videos have helped, but I assure you, they are helping many.
Hi Elle! Go easy on yourself you have been through alot the past few years and now coming back to who you are. You're only 20 as well thats still so young ( I'm 25 and alot happens in those 5 years mentally ) Try remember these feelings are normal as uncomfortable as they are sometimes, we all do things we regret so we can all relate to you on that feeling even if we have not transitioned. Trust me I've beat myself many many times for things that I shouldn't have done and it's not nice. You even mention in the video will I feel this way forever and honestly I dont think you will it's just going to take time 🙂 also you are really pretty and many people who watch your videos think this as well but regardless of what people think about how you look after 5 minutes of speaking to you anyone will see how much depth you have as a person, very intelligent plus brave af!!! Imagine how many people your videos help? Young women lost and searching for answers like you were and then they find your videos, this is worth so much more than the exterior because everyone sees us differently anyway. Lots of love from Ireland sister! ❤Looking forward to seeing you continue to grow as the beautiful woman that you are. Lindsay xo
Since you're only 20, your body is still growing. Trust me that when estrogen has it's time to make its impact again, you WILL look and feel feminine again. You're lucky that you didn't detransition at age 25+. I don't think we know enough about hormones to say exactly how that would work, but trust me as an FTM detransitioner as well, that this gets better. Already, you are looking a lot softer and more feminine. Every time I see your thumbnails, I see a woman. Please voice train if you think it'll make you feel better. If transwomen can do it, so can you. :)
Thank you for sharing this. Since it's been 6 years when I detransitioned, I've kind of forgotten the day to day lows I had experienced. You reminded me of them and I'm more humbled than saddened. I know this stuff sucks now but God doesn't give you experiences you can't handle. You can handle this. ❤
You are so amazing for how brave you are to have changed course like this!!! You are doing an incredible service by making these videos. I wish you all the best. Please don't feel like you need to change yourself because like all of us, who you are is a product of who and where you've been, and that is 100% ok.
Thank you so much for your videos, Elle. They're good and useful in so many ways. It is really weird and tiring how other people's perception of ourselves can affect us. Even when you just suppose others perceive you a certain way without knowing for sure, it can be really stressful. You're absolutely right : people don't care and even if they do care, it shouldn't matter. Loving yourself as a woman is so much work ! But when it finally comes (sporadically lol) it's so good. It's like coming back to life. You're helping so much women and girls doing just that by telling your story. Thank you again.
You are so brave. I am 57 and have gender fluid issues since early childhood. I never had surgeries. I respect your experiences with both genders. Thanks for being who you are. You are so cute and smart.
Huge hugs to you. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. Know that you are shining a light on this sensitive subject and that your courage in coming out to the world about your choices is a beautiful thing.
Keep courage! I love your honesty. You really have a gift for speaking from the heart. Your suffering has a purpose and is helping others, even if you don’t always get to see it.
Your brave even if you think you are not. You are doing hard work about self acceptance and love that many people never people even attempt to do and that is brave. Being honest is Brave. Being honest with OURSELVES often requires an even deeper level of braveness.
I'm an FTM detranaitioner as well. I started T at 15, stopped at 19. I'm almost 21 and I have so much regret... I got top surgery at 18, and that's something I've been battling with. I went through so much physical pain..."for nothing"...
I've been diagnosed with osteoporosis from all of the hormones imbalance throughout the years.
I have so much to say about my journey, I might start uploading videos as well, you've encouraged me so much!
Elle. Everything about you is so wise, so honest, and so gentle- but powerful. Regardless of where your viewers come from in their personal lives, we all have a lot to learn from what you have to say about your experiences and your outlook, and you are genuinely appreciated for sharing your story and strength. I hope the “good half” and “bad half” of the months become less and less distinct for you and become better and better as time goes on- and I know I’m a pretty insignificant stranger but on top of all of this, you really are beautiful! You can change or keep the same whatever you’d like in order to feel that way yourself, but I hope you know that you’re amazing as you are! Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
You are great, Elle. I am praying my 17-year-old daughter finds your videos. Thank you so much for making them.
I have done things in my life when I was young that I still regret. It's okay to have regrets and to live with and understand why you regret something you have done that you realize is self-destructive. Find a passion and what you want to do with the rest of your life. Do NOT worry about what other people think. You are young. You may want to start thinking about other things to change in life like making a career for yourself doing something that you enjoy. Focus on something beside your body. Start seeing your body as a useful vehicle to do things you need to do to improve your life and get around. Take care of your body with good nutrition (fuel) and regular exercise. You are a pretty young woman. Don't worry about what may be the residual effects. Take care of yourself mentally and physically. You made a mistake and you've done what you can do to rectify the mistake. And yes, you are doing a service by making these videos and telling the truth. Physical activity helps a lot with dealing with anxiety. Also, focusing on something that has nothing to do with transitioning and de-transitioning. No real friends will reject you. Choose your companions wisely. Just be yourself NATURALLY. Think this, it could have been worse and in your zeal to want to be male, you may have done worse to yourself like a hysterectomy and/or mastectomy. I saw your much older videos when you first started transitioning and you've already come a long way. Cut yourself a break. You do look like what you are, a woman. Please do NOT worry so much what other people think. People are so fickle, flawed, fallible and finite. ALL of us humans are flawed, fallible and finite. Please, please throw yourself into something that will be really good for you and that will make you feel good about yourself. Something productive and rewarding for you that no one can take away from you.
I just wanted to say that you are beautiful and that I love you so much! Thank you for always being so vulnerable and honest about your journey! 🥰
I know you have some regret about your voice changing (you’ve mentioned this in other videos). But I just want to tell you how nice & pleasant your voice sounds to me. It’s So nice! Hope you’re doing better and better these days!
Thank you for posting this. It is such a grey area as people who are experiencing gender dysphoria can and should be taken very seriously and steps taken to help them.
On the other side, and this isn’t condescending to young teens or the trans community, but adolescents do go through identity crisis; figuring out who they are, where they fit into the world, not to mention the peer and social media pressure.
Sometimes, transition isn’t the answer. It seems a little too ‘easy’? For want of a better word
Would it be fair to wonder about the control element? With you mentioning ED in a previous video.
Whatever the reason or outcome, whoever you associate with.... you are incredibly articulate, strong, level- headed with regards to the changes
You appear knowledgable and seem to have a good grasp on what happened and what you may experience in future.
For what it’s worth, I personally do not think you look like a guy.
With regards to what other people think of us, a lot of the time for the majority it isn’t always right and it doesn’t really matter. You are perfect in every way you have changed.
Sending you a lot of love and respect! Don't be so hard on yourself, live is crazy and we learn every step we take!
"People don't think about me as much as I think about me." That is the truth. "What other people think of you is none of your business." RuPaul...
Your story is so valuable right now, keep doing what you are doing.
Hi Elle - I have great respect for you. You are an incredible person, and you are being so brave. I am like you, and I feel so much better knowing that I am not alone. I’ve been watching you for a while, and please rest assured that your voice has gotten so much better. You sound like a girl, and I’m sure that it will continue to “improve”. You are helping me with every video you put out. Thank you.
Please hang in there. I'm rooting for you. I show your videos to other young people struggling. Your story is important.
All the love and support Elle. You’ve got this...and an entire world opening up for you.
I'm sorry you struggle about half the month. I'm proud of you for sharing your truth. I found you from Blaire's interview. I'm glad your body feels better since you've detransitioned. I found and subscribed to your channel from Blaire. I can't relate but I've been listening, and am here for emotional support!! I care about you a lot. Take your time sharing all you want to about detransitioning. I see you as a great person inside and out. Do what feels right to you. I think people can learn a lot about it. I'm wishing you luck accepting who you are. You're inspiring truly! Sending you prayers!!!! 🙏🙏🙏🙏💌💌💌❤ You're a great thinker!
This is how I feel. I'm not detransitioning, the opposite, I've been a transgender man for four years, since the age of 11. A lot of what you have expressed is what I have gone through, dysphoria, albeit in different ways. I thank these videos, they make me think, anxious, I haven't been able to start hormones yet. I am afraid, honestly, I transitioned because I read online, as much as I am thankful, I wonder what could've happened if I just overcame the first burst of puberty. If I had grown old and then found out, or not.
I would never detransition, I am adamant and don't have the pride to just accept my mistakes. I have been through terrible times, for the past four years, I have felt nothing but discomfort in my own body. On the other hand, when I start hormones, what will my voice sound like? That is the factor, I want my body to be one of a man, but I don't know... It's not simple enough.
I am sorry for anything anyone is going through, wether you be transgender, detransitioning or just some cisgender person. I hope that in the future, there can be better solutions. Damn, thanks for the vent.
Every person’s body is a map of the things they have been through in their life, whether it be stretch marks, scars or anything else. You are beautiful in your own identity and your body is not altered in a negative way, you’ve just added a chapter of life to it. Look back on it as a positive time of growth and finding yourself. ☮️
You really do look lovely and even though we all want to think that appearance is not the most important thing, we all have days when it feels like a very important thing. You got this! These experiences are part of your journey to become the badass woman that the universe has always meant you to be. Hang in there, girl!!
Amen. Well spoken Elle! I can imagine that your path is tough. But you are on the right track, really! The most important challenge in this proces is to accept yourself, just as you are, as a whole human being. Including the good and the bad days. Then it doesn’t matter anymore what other people think. You are doing so well, by being completely honoust, even when you are down. I think you are a super brave, wise and beautiful woman. I respect you. With love from Jolanda from Holland and Google translate. (I have to accept that my English is not perfect.😇)
I am so happy your hair grow back. And with voice training you will sound like a woman. I went through acne and left me a scar and I learned to live with this. I felt so hurt emotionally thinking that I would never be like I was but I survived. My point is that you are beautiful with your bold eyebrows which I find attractive and your jawline. You are right that things change as we live. You remind me of myself you are a very clever person and I hope you keep going this way. And remember the worst passed. Now you are free of dysphoria and still young. Love you! 😍
sending all the love to you - you are a beautiful woman in and out. your sisters will ALWAYS be here for you with open arms xxx