There was a time videos like these would trigger me so much into either crying or anger, but now I do household chores and nod my head accepting the validation Ive always needed. For anyone reading this, it does get better. The time it takes is unique to your situation. Dont rush it and take the info in small pieces and build on that. It does get better 🕊
I am feeling so alone in this but here's the thing I attended a support group it's literally taken 2 years but I have stuck with it and I feel like I'm finally willing to deal with whatever deep pain is down there. But it honestly feels like no one understands -I just feel when I open up sometimes they don't really get it. The hardest part is knowing that there has been growth in these last two years even though it feels like I'm going backwards but one of the hardest things is my other family members I cannot talk to them about getting help they don't want it.
@blessingsfromheaven8445 I hear you, there are many layers and aspects of trauma that resurface and have to be sorted through. These videos explain the dynamics the best. I also follow "We need to talk with Kris Godinez", "Dr. Ramani" and "Dr. Carter" here on youtube the most. As far as family members go which has been explained in one of these videos is that the family knows that you are sick with either PTSD or addiction but they also cant handle when you get better. It exposes their dysfunction if the "scapegoat" heals. I think its subconscious on their part. I had to go no contact with many people. I think the hardest part for me is realizing I was being sabatoged and there wasnt as much wrong with me as I thought there was. Thank you for sharing 💜🕊
I feel this comment on a soul level. Some days I can hear these messages. Some days it’s too much and I’m not ready to look at it. I try to come back when I feel that way.
I had one parent who made fun of my face daily. She would say specific things about features and call me ugly. I had to undress in order to have my temp taken almost until driving age. My mail was opened, doors open while getting undressed and phone calls listen in on from another phone in the house. Sometimes I had to wear dads clothes to school, as a child, because mom spent all the money on herself. Other parent was an alcoholic who brutalized some of the kids but not all. I was one of them. They would trick you, get you into a room and unleash hell. The other parent joined in so it looked like a wrestling match with both adults tearing the kid apart. I tried calling the police, the pediatrician Dr, going to neighbors. No one believed us. No one helped. Unpacking this in middle age. Thank you Tim Fletcher.
No one helped me and my sister either. I told everyone and they just told him that I told on him. I'm almost 52 and everything is still so fucked up. I wish you peace and love
@@Maureenieee thank you and same to you...I dont want to be a victim...trying hard too to forgive and accept. watch Tyler Perry's testimony on Oprah about growing up. It helps.. ❤
I don’t like using the word victim for anyone who is alive. You’re a survivor, regardless of the type of abuse you suffered. I reserve “victim” only for those who died.
For 19 years my sister treated me badly she will a times beat me up and remove my clothes saying "Give me my clothes I was the one who bought for you" omg at 25 years old I came to realize she f my life really bad. Sorry buddy for what happened to you May we all heal Amiin.
I lost who i believe was the greatest love of my life because im in trauma therapy and barely understanding all of this stuff. I feel deep regret and guilt for going into that relationship. Now I look crazy and toxic and I am a nurse and hurting others goes against my core value for humanity.
I've just discovered your series last night and I cannot stop watching, all through the night. Brillant. The most valuable education and guidance I've ever received through many decades in therapy. I feel hopeful for the first time. Thank you.
Me too! Omg, today I was able to stay calm in conflict and actually speak for myself with confidence. Considering that I only found Tim yesterday, binge-listened yesterday + today, and spent most of yesterday in grief over all that I learned... I'd say it's going well. 🤨😛😘 You guys?
Same here. Countless therapists and a few psychiatrists and none of them even mentioned this. For most of my life I’ve believed that I was fatally flawed in an unfixable way
Agreed, education needs to expand and fast! Also great resource is book Surviving complex PTSD by Pete Walker and book Healing from Developmental Trauma and books by Peter Levine on working to resolve trapped trauma inside the nervous syatem.
I stayed out of relationships because I knew there was something wrong with me I just didn't know what the term complex PTSD pretty much sums it up. Have a lovely day
@@despicabledavidshort3806 When I was younger before anything went wrong. That's all I wanted was to be married have children having a home. At 22 years old, my wife and I purchased our first home. We had one child my daughter who was 6 months old at the time. A year and half later our 2nd child was born, my son. 11 months later, my wife took off with another man very nasty divorce and intertwined psychological abusive time. She gave me full custody of both our children, my daughter was 2 and my son was 11 months old. Like a fool I got married again right away. That relationship lasted maybe 2 years or less. She resented the fact I had children and she was stuck at that time taking care of them because she didn't have a job and I was paying the bills. So there I was married and divorced twice within a 5 year. I was 24 years old when I was given full custody of our children from my first marriage. My first ex-wife just didn't step out of the picture she was involved for another 24 years only because that was the kids mom. At the same time, my ex-mother-in-law from my first marriage. My first wife's mother was hell on wheels. She wanted me to give the custody of my children to her. I said no, I will raise my children. She blew a gasket. I spent the next 10 years in an out-of-court constantly harassed turned into DSHS sued banks and mortgage companies, insurance companies my church my work. Until the woman had a massive heart attack and died. It felt like some weight was lifted from my back. The wicked witch was dead. But my ex-wife was or had become a hard-core drug addict one crazy situation after another for the next 24 years until she blew her head off with a high-powered rifle. I was always attracted to the same screwed up women like me. But just in a different way hateful, vengeful, bitter women just like my mom. Who was married to a explosive man. My dad who threw fits of rage at the slightest trigger in his environment. My dad was neurodivergent ADHD, SCT dyslexic. At the time I didn't understand my dad, but late in life because of an automobile accident I was in I finally understood him. After World War II in Germany. My dad was part of the team who disarmed bombs. Something went wrong. He woke up under 2 inches of dirt and there was a 40 foot hole where his team once was. He was the only survivor. It rattled his noodle he was neurologically damaged. Adding to complications to his neurodivergent complications just added to the confusion. Now suffering from PTSD back in those days it wasn't talked about. My mom was mentally ill, as a result of sexual abuse. She was emotionally shamed because she was pregnant at 13 from a pedophile who had been sexually abusing her since she was 11 years old. Those things were swept under the rug back in those days. I was my mom's confident. I think they refer to it as covert incest. She would confide in me things I didn't understand. I was just a kid. Then there was all kinds of other sibling issues as a result of that a very dysfunctional family a blow apart family. I'm 70 years old today my kids are raised they are both married. I have grandchildren. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get through traumatic childhood abuses in my case, it was at home and in school later in life the church. Today my home is paid for a stay close to my children. I garden do lapidary work. I build garden planter boxes and whatever else needs to be done full-time maintenance man. When things get a little boring I get on my electric bike and ride places. I enjoy in nature piece and quiet, no more drama. Life as a pack mule with blinders.
@@danmalone5365 Wow the story of your life could be a book. Im going through a separation heading towards a divorce and Tim has helped me understand how I got into this situation. For so long I blamed my partner for his destructive ways not seeing that I also was drawn to him and have my own childhood trauma. This work on myself is so difficult reliving the trauma of my childhood. But everyday I feel better, stronger, more independent. I have to break this cycle of abuse and show my children better than what we were both shown. Thanks for your power story. It was helpful.
There's nothing wrong with u. If u had a car that drove messed up and you found out that it needs an alignment, a tire has a bubble and it needs a tune up. It isn't wrong. It needs attention. The previous owners didn't understand maintenance so you get to make it better than new again.
This one summed it all up for me (the devalue and burden)! My entire adult relationships have been about earning my value and causing massive self destruction the second I am disrespected. . Ughhhh. The healing begins NOW. TY FOR THIS.
These have been very helpful for understanding my wife's experience and why she interacts with me the way she does. Didn't realize the extent of her childhood trauma until recently and just starting to see how much it has affected the way she talks and interacts with me. Sadly I feel hurt to not be trusted or respected as much as I would like but I understand the root of it now. Hoping things turn around because it's pretty difficult being on the receiving end of this.
I so wish to have met you... I married a reactionary abuser, he is a pschopathic man for sure. I will never think of marriage again. Unfortunately, finding someone untraumatized in our world is getting more and more bleak..
Human relationships are a roller coaster ride of ups and downs...exhausting......at this point in my life I am so much better with casual chats with strangers. Animals I can trust. My trust/respect issues are Mt. Everest in proportion and well earned. Sad ? Maybe.....but I'm not willing to invest any more of MY life in watching back all the time. Mr. Fletcher, new to your channel and you have been the most helpful thing to cross my path in my entire life.
Yes me too I was so messed up. I have been so blessed learning of tim about 3 mos ago. My whole life has added up more now then ever. I've been searching for answers for about 2 yrs now. This last 3 mos mind blowing. Learn heal grow that's where I'm at. U need to listen to a lady called crappy childhood u can learn from her to she's lived it. This shit is deep. Sorry u dig to much creates more anxiety as well. I'm not digging now I feel so much better. Good luck on ur journey.
More and more high functioning autism out there and pschopaths, sociopaths... I know, that's why I am here. Good idea to stay alone. I think so to. Most men are corrupt now.
I just found out that my body can only hold as much pain as I can handle. It will bring surface painful memories that needed to be released. I was always afraid of pain so i dissociated. For a long time, it brings me to many social problems. I've always have a flashback out of nowhere at anytime. When I was eating, reading etc. I realized this is how my body is telling me "hey there are past issues that needed to be released. They've been in me for a long time and I'm suffering from those memories". Then when i started to feel all my emotions, boy it hurts extremely to the point of having suicidal thoughts and self harm. I tried my usual numbing techniques such as maladaptive daydreaming, listening to songs, pacing back and forth it doesn't work. The pain is there So my only hope for the pain to stop is sleeping. I love sleeping with the mindset, "tomorrow will be better and will be less pain" I processed my feelings for at least 3 months and i noticed some improvement. There are days when i don't feel pain, 1 or 2 days and the next day the pain starts again. This means my body heals for a day or two before being ready to release pain I've done this for 1 year and 8 months and it gets better. My ability to read emotions gets better, my social interaction gets better. My ability to read sarcasm, mockery and social cues gets better. I can think with clarity. I have my true feelings with clarity. I can go back and review painful memories. After i processed them, i can see with clarity what happened, what went wrong, what should have been done and i forgive those people and i forgive myself and i give myself closure. I know it has healed when my body won't prompt me to release pain of the memories anymore Also i can detect the red flags from the traumatic memories. I know what people to avoid and i trust my body. When i healed fully, I'm ready to allow people that i find trustworthy in my life. If one of them betray me, I'll learn about their red flags and i won't allow people with the red flags to enter my life again. I'll also process the traumatic memories because i don't want to let the traumatic memories stay in my body. Because I'm in a safe situation and my body and emotions and feelings are safe from traumatic memories because i allow myself to feel emotions and release it
I always knew that my narsissistic schizophrenic troubled mother horrible treatment of me as a little girl had an impact on my brain but i didnt know where in my brain exactly. I couldnt focus in maths physics and chemistry subjects that need a lot of concentration. I did do well in languages. Thank God and that saved me bcz am an english teacher. I struggled in my relationships they were all a mess. I couldnt form a normal relationship and now am all alone and sick and tired of it. I know mother was sick but she neglected me, abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically, i felt not wanted , rejected , abandoned , and worthless and undeserving of love. Now in my mid thirties am so ready to heal these wounds because i am over letting them control my life. I want better and now i realise i deserve better
Hello, our stories are quite similar. I too wasn't able to concentrate in mathematics and physics but languages saved me. I also teach English now. I'm also in my mid thirties and suffered neglect and abuse. I watched Tim Fletcher s series on shame and it resonated with me. It was as if he was talking about my experiences. I took a lot of notes and decided to start from there. In my country, we don't have access to quality psychological help so I will have to help myself.
@@branan6935 same here with me I did the same I am glad that someone knows what we've been through and is helping us heal.. somehow it feels less lonely let us keep in touch on our healing journey
@user I'm so sorry to hear about your mother wound. You don't have to live her script. We grew up with very sick parents. You are beloved and worthy of love too 💕
Addiction is soooo many things. I remember feeling this way after I lost 170lbs and my family felt so angry at me. Like they were mad that I was self sufficient and they didn’t have to take care of me anymore. They were so mad I wasn’t sick. It hurt. I can see in myself why I stayed with my addiction ex. I wanted him to come with me in growth but he refused. I tried to drag him to health but it never worked. But also the dynamic of being the “normal one” was definitely there. I’ve played both sides. But I feel like that is the cycle of abuse. We can be the victim and the perpetrator depending on the situation.
Your presentation is so powerful and informative. Wish I didn't feel like I was checking off every single item. It's kind of like swimming through sewage while someone tells you there is a shore there somewhere, so keep swimming. It's all so very sad, but feels true. Makes me want to be kind to everyone.
There was obviously no hope of success in my marriage. Me suffering from complex trauma and I married someone with the same problem. Guess that makes me feel abit better now that I understand.
Roseanne - I discovered that I didn’t believe I could trust anyone while doing Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD. I am learning I can trust different people to different degrees. Most people I can trust to be exactly who they are. I have had to learn to give a little trust and see what they do with it. I wish you the best in your journey.
I have the same trust issues. Trusting tends to result in someone controlling and manipulating me. Soooo, I set boundaries and bam they move on or, in the case of my mom, they up the ante, so to speak. That's when she'd make threats (punishment) or withdraw and turn cold (silent treatment). As I got older and had more of my own resources, she tried to go through others, like going through an older sister. If I didn't want to go to a family thing (after I moved out), even having plans wasn't enough to say "No." She'd always ask what and when.
I have far more fear to trust than to die alone. I am pretty much ok with dying alone. The fear for me is to live and trust humans. I love animals but have difficulty with trusting humans.
It could have been the best relationship you ever had Cause all they want to do is love you and have the best relationship with you Reverse it you won't be like they were to you. And you just want to be loved
I think this first happened to me when I was 7 years old, now I'm 49. I honestly feel numb and dead inside with zero connection to other people. I feel disassociated and my hearts not in it
That is the shame speaking. The antidotes to shame is talking about what happened. Is allowing yourself the freedom to sit in the shit so the healing can happen. People who haven't experienced trauma throughout their childhood do not know how to hold space for someone who did, and maybe instead of saying something's wrong with us, maybe we can all agree something is wrong with society still
Av also just found out this channel not long ago and unfortunately inspite of seeing the red flugs of being deceived over and over I told myself if I just help them see their wrong they would change. I gave myself that job of keeping them in check for the last two decades. I guess I was really messed to have entertained all these. Feel sad children are involved who they never wanted in the first place. I dint know how to get out but now I would realy love to but the situation is too complicated. Pray with me am 51 now.
As you were discussing trust and respect, I thought these are the two issues that destroyed my marriage. I suffer with complex PTSD because of severe childhood abuse. With your podcast today, you explain what happens with children who are abused and you absolutely nailed my issues. I tolerated abuse in my marriage because that's what I had to do as a child. Now I understand the pain I am processing after recently ending my marriage. The reason why I said "no more" was because of being cheated on and being severely abused which included being lied to over and over. I had to have found a little bit of respect for myself to walk away along while also knowing I could never trust my ex-husband ever again. The healing process is grueling because I was in the marriage a little over 40 years. I'm going to remember trust and respect. Thank-you for these key important words
I'm a Reiki Master and Intuitive Healer. I am deeply traumatized and have days where i can't catch my breath. I am great at offering advice and making people feel connected and loved. I don't want anyone to ever feel as cold, lonely and sickeningly abandoned as i did w my abusive and neglected childhood. I was bullied severely in school ans also by my father and sister. They still, to this day, act fked up towards me and my son. Sometimes i feel like I'm not allowed to cry or have days to process. I feel like i always have to be 'on' in order to survive.
Sometimes Neurofeedback is used w/ CPTSD to help the brain regulate. Also, a good therapist who knows how to use EMDR for early traumas (baby & childhood) & in adult years as well. These things are missed in Christianity!!!
Crazy you were making videos on this 7 years ago and most people haven’t heard of it til now.. many still haven’t. The worst affect of my complex PTSD is my fear of commitment/lack of being able to commit, while still wanting a family so bad. I don’t want to be non monogamous either, that whole thing feels weird to me. I just want to be able to commit and be happy with one person for my life but I can’t see that actually happening.
Wow like he says people will think he followed people around with a video camera it will relate so much to alot of people's lives he's so amazing to know all this knowledge he's helped me alot in just a few weeks Thank you .
I was running from my truth, turned to alcohol for years to try and escape my reality. Only made things worse, now I sit and listen in acceptance asking my higher power to help guide me.
Thank you for making and posting these videos. The most valuable information I’ve ever gotten. Wow. Life changer. I need advice as to what kind of specialized therapy for religious abuse. I’m struggling. Thank you 🙏
Yes, siblings can rip us to shreds if we are not careful. As I started to stand up for myself they stayed away. I decided that I am fine without them. If I'm invited I only attend for an hour and make sure I have an excuse to leave.
The worst thing is not having parents, friends or partners that don't let us grow... the worst thing is to find a therapist who doesn't want us to grow and tries to keep the relationship where you will be sick forever
Tim, Thank you so much for all of your knowledge on Complex PTSD. You have helped me so much. I wonder if you can speak on the impact of intergenerational CT. I look at all the damage my parents did with ten children and can't help but believe that their parents inflicted CT on them.
I have never had what I would consider a healthy or successful love relationship in my life, knew that I had experienced something, spent 30 years with a surpressed memory of childhood sexual abuse,and terror, Been working on all this for my entire life Sometimes, I really don't know how or why,I have survived Just want to feel love without hanging on a cross
I tried to trust an abuser but the result was catastrophic. He walked out on me and that caused me major serious panic attack that sent me to a whole crazy state
I’m self aware. I know I have trust issues but I still do try to trust and remind myself of this. I’m very hyper-vigilant and observant. Which can come across as untrusting if others pick up on this. However, this has also saved me. I realise I’m struggling with the balance of trust..
I so appreciate your teachings, Tim. I find them so full of important and Biblical truth. One question that comes to my mind throughout your lessons is, when you refer to complex trauma in children, wouldn't those same concepts basically also apply to us as young adults while our brains are still developing at least until age 25?
Thank you so much. Story it's also about me. I'm not manipulating only but rest it's me. I didn't know that the problem I got it's so difficult to resolve. I have no trust to nobody and I don't respect also. Tim that's heavy shit. Thank you again so much. God bless you
I think as a society, we have been subtly trained to be more focused on ourselves. I like to find little ways to be more kind. Goodness know the world needs more kindness and perhaps that could cause a ripple effect that results eventually in trust and more respect. When we sow seeds, we dont immediately see the fruit, it takes time to grow. I think gardening is a wonderful metaphor for life overall. We have to deal with weeds in the garden and in life. 🙏 may God bless you in your journey.
As good as Pastor Tim is at understanding trauma, he doesnt seem to realize the demonic nature of covert narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, emotionally immature parents raising children, selecting the family scapegoat, the golden child etc, which is the main cause of complex trauma. Narcissism is the spiritual scourge of humanity, it is pandemic, getting worse, and is referenced all throughout the Bible. You come out of a family with narcissistic parents, having been the family scapegoat, then other narcissists in the world can detect your trauma, they can sense you have been groomed for abuse and target you for further abuse.
As a scapegoat I agree with your whole comment except for emotionally immature parents having a demonic nature, if they have time to mature and develop tools or get help then they can be healthy
They do have a demonic nature but again demonic nature comes bc people choose to do wrong e.g to their children, this opens doors to demonic. But they choose to do wrong out of ignorance. Pastor Tim is trying to fill the gap of ignorance. Jesus said my people perish bc of ignorance. Wednesday to know the truth to no fall prey to distorted opinions zbout how to raise children
Don’t get in a relationship in recovery the way he’s talking about. Please take it from me, I did that and me and the guy both had 2 weeks of sobriety. We got married and had a child. It was a nightmare. We both relapsed but I was worse. I have 10 years of sobriety now and my son is 21. Things turned out ok with him, but the situation between his dad and I were inexplicably bad. Please do not do this early in recovery.
24:26 for me, it's being whistled for. Not like a wolf whistle but like you'd whistle for your dog. I'm not particularly violent but if you whistle at me, I WILL fight you. And the weird part is that I don't think anyone ever whistled at me.
I just come oit of a 3 year relationship with a woman with complex PTSD , I made a few mistakes, I still love her dearly but after the honeymoon period , it became a nigttnare esp when she was triggered it would blow up like WW3..At the end I was trauma nodded and I just starting to recover now a month on..I thought she was BPD or a Narc but I know now it was her trauma...
How far along in your relationship was you when you noticed behaviours or she started to change ? I split at the year mark but his behaviours I think only just started to happen.
Likewise, in the book “Love & Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs, he deems so many things in his book as disrespectful. For instance, his wife putting pepper on his eggs, even though he has told her he doesn’t like pepper, it’s disrespect. When his mom made more money than his dad, it was disrespect. Learning from his backstory, his childhood was awful. He 99.999% chance he has complex trauma but instead of dealing with his issues, he teaches his messed up way of thinking as “normal.” It’s sad and I know this book has harmed so many people in the church and yet, it is such a popular book.
I so relate to this. Older bros can raise one on sarcasm, ridicule, dupery & shaming, & it is stunning to realize how this warps one's perceptions. To this day I'm still terrified of sarcastic people & scorn. Yet i did this to others, go figure.
Been really good shit listening tot his guy but he projects his voice a lot which is great for the room, but tough for me trying to listen going to sleep hahaha
I mean. I dont drink and woukd not say i do drugs but very rare people afflicted dont at all. Whether medication or recreational theres always a crutch. Maybe you are like me and have a hobby you are passionate about? I dont think he is claiming we all do i think he is stating the commonality of drug use amongst cptsd sufferers. If you truly do not you have my respect More so we all cope through addiction whether it is drugs, alcohol, casual sex or model trains.
@@freefree1664 workaholic is very common. Keeps the mind occupied was always my go to but made the mistake of not getting far enough away from the sick world i grew up in. Perverts and liars and such
Trust and need to control enviroment so my abadonement issues aren't triggered And I met a guy with multiple addictions anger issues and wouldn't respect me enough engaged to stop all the dating apps chats and smutt so i felt betrayed I left
I ‘ saved ‘ my Son and Ex wife from me when he was only 2. I didn’t do anything to them at all. But I was so scared that I might. The abused becomes the abuser. I financed them and stayed in touch. But I had a narcissistic cruel violent Father role model . I had no learning as to how to be good. My Son is now a healthy. Rounded, psychologically sound pleasant man of 26. My sacrifice. I lost but it was worth it. That b***tard ‘ father’ ruined my life. My brother committed suicide to escape.
Ridiculous! Having trust for a family environmental that was traumatizing. I'm not blaming but that's the environment that I grew up in. The one that traumatized me severely. Sure if the trauma wasn't caused by the family environment this may be great advice. But I think most of us come from parents who have arrested development of the emotional regulation system. Most of our parents never individuated have no self but rather use crafted personas, and they definitely never became autonomous. They still cannot govern. They were codependent and they were extremely immature and still are for the most part. They are disconnected from themselves. They think emotions are a punishment / reward system and they don't know how to process their emotions because they are completely disconnected from themselves. Therefore they're very unhealthy. And anybody raised by parents like that are not going to be functional healthy people and you're right most of us end up with addictions. However if you understand that unresolved trauma is the problem and that you're disconnected from yourself and that you probably don't have a developed self yet and that you probably have an individuated and that you're almost guaranteed not to have any autonomy you can begin to heal your unresolved childhood trauma and reconnect to yourself by processing your emotions. By staying present and not falling into autopilot butt stain mindful of your emotions how you feel feel them don't be scared of the negative or painfully emotions they are not your enemy. It's a communication system. There's also no reason to be angry at your family because they I'm sure had no idea what they were doing. Humans learn what they live. and we can pretty safely say that none of us had parents that knew how to be healthy emotionally regulated people that were in touch with their emotions processing them correctly.. I need to say at least nobody that I know is like this.. there may be a whole world of healthy people out there that I don't know about But I'm coming from a whole world of unhealthy people that I do know about. Myself included. The important part of this message is that all addiction is caused by unresolved Early childhood trauma And the addiction happens because of the painful state of being disconnected from oneself leaves a person in a state of eternal separation from not only themselves but anybody else there's no way to form a connection with anybody when you don't have an actual self-developed and when you don't have any connection to yourself even if you did So that's why the cure is to reattach to yourself and basically the way I did it was by practicing radical self-acceptance. I stayed mindful and present with my emotions and with myselfI consciously chose not to seek out external validation and even when I had no motivation whatsoever to do anything I did not abandon myself and reach out to somebody to inspire me. I stayed present with myself even through a few years of pretty long and hard apathy I had already los5 almost everything that mattered to me. Thank God I didn't lose my son. However I did lose two daughters my vehicle my home and everything I had worked for my entire life and ended up homeless and alone. My son was the only one that did not turn his back on me although he was pretty angry and upset with me. And I don't blame him. Today I can look back at myself and see a very sick person who was extremely ignorant naive and traumatized. I do not hold myself in any kind of judgment or condemnation over what was done but I can tell you that I had believed that I was a really good mom and that my problems were pretty much all my ex or my mom's lack of involvement or my family's lack of support I had no idea that I was the culprit behind every problem that I had. It was really hard at first trying to swallow the fact that I was the one that had caused all of this pain and damage. I'm not going to talk about anybody else that didn't do their part or did things that were not at all supportive or helpful. Because that's not my cross to bear. I'm leaving that on other people's shoulders. And I'm focusing 100% on my 100% responsibility for my own life my own behaviors my own responses my own actions my own education. And because I did that I have empowered myself and I left behind a very painfully sad existence of a covert borderline personality and also Bean limersnt which is basically not really living in reality I did not know what I had been dealing with until I was almost if not recovered at least I was equipped with the tools to protect myself from my self and my dysfunctions I did all of this as I worked my way out of homelessness after years of living on the streets I've been in my own apartment for around 2 years and I am single independent I'm autonomous I've got a formed self and I am emotionally regulated. I actually can handle all kinds of things like a mature sound-minded adult and it feels really good And I can tell you one more thing.... Treat the trauma....and don't concentrate or worry about the addiction. Just work on the trauma work on the reconnection and when you do this you will start to feel so good you will not need to medicate yourself. You won't need to numb your emotions out. It doesn't take a therapist or any money at all to resolve trauma You can do it all by yourself.
All of that being said..... In my case...... F*** yeah I'm the one that I trust.... Because I'm the only one that stood by my side. Now I'm so loyal to myself that I can fully trust myself. I don't need to trust people that discarded me like garbage I'm not complaining because I know that the experience is what healed me. But that does not mean that the people that turned their backs on me and threw me away like a piece of garbage are trustworthy or are deserving of my company Anybody that wants to be a part of my life will have to come to me show me their interested put effort in and show me what changes they've made in order to be a part of my life Just like I'm doing so that maybe one day I can be a part of my daughter's lives again If I can take responsibility for my part..... Everybody else is going to have to take responsibility for their part too and if they don't then that's fine I don't mind I'm not mad or upset I'm just not going to be in relationships with dysfunctional unhealthy unregulated people. And I certainly am not going to trust them! .
We do online counselling with people all over the world. We also have a support group of Facebook. If you send me a friend request (Tim Fletcher), I can invite you to the group
Why do you constantly blame the victim of complex trauma instead of speaking about self-compassion.in the process of healing. Self - compassion is the antidote to shame . It is not the person w CPTSD 's fault. It is called CPTSD not complex trauma btw.
I agree. earlier today, before I listened to this, I was in a mood where I can in fact have a healthy relationship if I find the right person. and then listening to this makes me feel like I'm horrendously broken. I think it stems from his pastor background, Christianity is built around "you are a disgusting, evil person - BUT Jesus can save you" - that is essentially his position here as well.
There was a time videos like these would trigger me so much into either crying or anger, but now I do household chores and nod my head accepting the validation Ive always needed. For anyone reading this, it does get better. The time it takes is unique to your situation. Dont rush it and take the info in small pieces and build on that. It does get better 🕊
I am feeling so alone in this but here's the thing I attended a support group it's literally taken 2 years but I have stuck with it and I feel like I'm finally willing to deal with whatever deep pain is down there. But it honestly feels like no one understands -I just feel when I open up sometimes they don't really get it. The hardest part is knowing that there has been growth in these last two years even though it feels like I'm going backwards but one of the hardest things is my other family members I cannot talk to them about getting help they don't want it.
@blessingsfromheaven8445 I hear you, there are many layers and aspects of trauma that resurface and have to be sorted through. These videos explain the dynamics the best. I also follow "We need to talk with Kris Godinez", "Dr. Ramani" and "Dr. Carter" here on youtube the most. As far as family members go which has been explained in one of these videos is that the family knows that you are sick with either PTSD or addiction but they also cant handle when you get better. It exposes their dysfunction if the "scapegoat" heals. I think its subconscious on their part. I had to go no contact with many people. I think the hardest part for me is realizing I was being sabatoged and there wasnt as much wrong with me as I thought there was. Thank you for sharing 💜🕊
I feel this comment on a soul level. Some days I can hear these messages. Some days it’s too much and I’m not ready to look at it. I try to come back when I feel that way.
Well Put
Respect ✌️
lol yep
I had one parent who made fun of my face daily. She would say specific things about features and call me ugly. I had to undress in order to have my temp taken almost until driving age. My mail was opened, doors open while getting undressed and phone calls listen in on from another phone in the house.
Sometimes I had to wear dads clothes to school, as a child, because mom spent all the money on herself.
Other parent was an alcoholic who brutalized some of the kids but not all. I was one of them. They would trick you, get you into a room and unleash hell. The other parent joined in so it looked like a wrestling match with both adults tearing the kid apart.
I tried calling the police, the pediatrician Dr, going to neighbors. No one believed us. No one helped.
Unpacking this in middle age. Thank you Tim Fletcher.
No one helped me and my sister either. I told everyone and they just told him that I told on him. I'm almost 52 and everything is still so fucked up.
I wish you peace and love
@@Maureenieee thank you and same to you...I dont want to be a victim...trying hard too to forgive and accept. watch Tyler Perry's testimony on Oprah about growing up. It helps.. ❤
I don’t like using the word victim for anyone who is alive. You’re a survivor, regardless of the type of abuse you suffered. I reserve “victim” only for those who died.
For 19 years my sister treated me badly she will a times beat me up and remove my clothes saying "Give me my clothes I was the one who bought for you" omg at 25 years old I came to realize she f my life really bad. Sorry buddy for what happened to you May we all heal Amiin.
😢 (may you be safe now and always on)
I lost who i believe was the greatest love of my life because im in trauma therapy and barely understanding all of this stuff. I feel deep regret and guilt for going into that relationship. Now I look crazy and toxic and I am a nurse and hurting others goes against my core value for humanity.
It s not ur fault. Be compassionate to urself. Realising our false brainwashing and delusions is the first step to healing
I've just discovered your series last night and I cannot stop watching, all through the night. Brillant. The most valuable education and guidance I've ever received through many decades in therapy. I feel hopeful for the first time. Thank you.
Me to
Me too. How is it going for you?
Me too!
Omg, today I was able to stay calm in conflict and actually speak for myself with confidence.
Considering that I only found Tim yesterday, binge-listened yesterday + today, and spent most of yesterday in grief over all that I learned...
I'd say it's going well. 🤨😛😘
You guys?
Same here. Countless therapists and a few psychiatrists and none of them even mentioned this. For most of my life I’ve believed that I was fatally flawed in an unfixable way
Agreed, education needs to expand and fast! Also great resource is book Surviving complex PTSD by Pete Walker and book Healing from Developmental Trauma and books by Peter Levine on working to resolve trapped trauma inside the nervous syatem.
I stayed out of relationships because I knew there was something wrong with me I just didn't know what the term complex PTSD pretty much sums it up. Have a lovely day
I love you Dan, you're perfect ❤
I wish is known there was something wrong with me. I was married and divorced 3xs, but I've been single now for 16-17 years.
@@despicabledavidshort3806 When I was younger before anything went wrong. That's all I wanted was to be married have children having a home. At 22 years old, my wife and I purchased our first home. We had one child my daughter who was 6 months old at the time. A year and half later our 2nd child was born, my son. 11 months later, my wife took off with another man very nasty divorce and intertwined psychological abusive time. She gave me full custody of both our children, my daughter was 2 and my son was 11 months old. Like a fool I got married again right away. That relationship lasted maybe 2 years or less. She resented the fact I had children and she was stuck at that time taking care of them because she didn't have a job and I was paying the bills. So there I was married and divorced twice within a 5 year. I was 24 years old when I was given full custody of our children from my first marriage. My first ex-wife just didn't step out of the picture she was involved for another 24 years only because that was the kids mom. At the same time, my ex-mother-in-law from my first marriage. My first wife's mother was hell on wheels. She wanted me to give the custody of my children to her. I said no, I will raise my children. She blew a gasket. I spent the next 10 years in an out-of-court constantly harassed turned into DSHS sued banks and mortgage companies, insurance companies my church my work. Until the woman had a massive heart attack and died. It felt like some weight was lifted from my back. The wicked witch was dead. But my ex-wife was or had become a hard-core drug addict one crazy situation after another for the next 24 years until she blew her head off with a high-powered rifle. I was always attracted to the same screwed up women like me. But just in a different way hateful, vengeful, bitter women just like my mom. Who was married to a explosive man. My dad who threw fits of rage at the slightest trigger in his environment. My dad was neurodivergent ADHD, SCT dyslexic. At the time I didn't understand my dad, but late in life because of an automobile accident I was in I finally understood him. After World War II in Germany. My dad was part of the team who disarmed bombs. Something went wrong. He woke up under 2 inches of dirt and there was a 40 foot hole where his team once was. He was the only survivor. It rattled his noodle he was neurologically damaged. Adding to complications to his neurodivergent complications just added to the confusion. Now suffering from PTSD back in those days it wasn't talked about. My mom was mentally ill, as a result of sexual abuse. She was emotionally shamed because she was pregnant at 13 from a pedophile who had been sexually abusing her since she was 11 years old. Those things were swept under the rug back in those days. I was my mom's confident. I think they refer to it as covert incest. She would confide in me things I didn't understand. I was just a kid. Then there was all kinds of other sibling issues as a result of that a very dysfunctional family a blow apart family. I'm 70 years old today my kids are raised they are both married. I have grandchildren. Sometimes it takes a lifetime to get through traumatic childhood abuses in my case, it was at home and in school later in life the church. Today my home is paid for a stay close to my children. I garden do lapidary work. I build garden planter boxes and whatever else needs to be done full-time maintenance man. When things get a little boring I get on my electric bike and ride places. I enjoy in nature piece and quiet, no more drama. Life as a pack mule with blinders.
@@danmalone5365 Wow the story of your life could be a book. Im going through a separation heading towards a divorce and Tim has helped me understand how I got into this situation. For so long I blamed my partner for his destructive ways not seeing that I also was drawn to him and have my own childhood trauma. This work on myself is so difficult reliving the trauma of my childhood. But everyday I feel better, stronger, more independent. I have to break this cycle of abuse and show my children better than what we were both shown. Thanks for your power story. It was helpful.
There's nothing wrong with u. If u had a car that drove messed up and you found out that it needs an alignment, a tire has a bubble and it needs a tune up. It isn't wrong. It needs attention. The previous owners didn't understand maintenance so you get to make it better than new again.
This one summed it all up for me (the devalue and burden)! My entire adult relationships have been about earning my value and causing massive self destruction the second I am disrespected. .
Ughhhh. The healing begins NOW. TY FOR THIS.
These have been very helpful for understanding my wife's experience and why she interacts with me the way she does. Didn't realize the extent of her childhood trauma until recently and just starting to see how much it has affected the way she talks and interacts with me. Sadly I feel hurt to not be trusted or respected as much as I would like but I understand the root of it now. Hoping things turn around because it's pretty difficult being on the receiving end of this.
I so wish to have met you... I married a reactionary abuser, he is a pschopathic man for sure. I will never think of marriage again.
Unfortunately, finding someone untraumatized in our world is getting more and more bleak..
Trauma, the gift that keeps giving…
Hang in there…
Human relationships are a roller coaster ride of ups and downs...exhausting......at this point in my life I am so much better with casual chats with strangers. Animals I can trust. My trust/respect issues are Mt. Everest in proportion and well earned. Sad ? Maybe.....but I'm not willing to invest any more of MY life in watching back all the time. Mr. Fletcher, new to your channel and you have been the most helpful thing to cross my path in my entire life.
Yes me too I was so messed up. I have been so blessed learning of tim about 3 mos ago. My whole life has added up more now then ever. I've been searching for answers for about 2 yrs now. This last 3 mos mind blowing. Learn heal grow that's where I'm at. U need to listen to a lady called crappy childhood u can learn from her to she's lived it. This shit is deep. Sorry u dig to much creates more anxiety as well. I'm not digging now I feel so much better. Good luck on ur journey.
More and more high functioning autism out there and pschopaths, sociopaths... I know, that's why I am here. Good idea to stay alone. I think so to. Most men are corrupt now.
I have listened to this at least 50x. it never gets old, and I always learn something new
I was so tired being sick over a decade ago, I did try all the solutions till God opened my eyes to see the truth.
I just found out that my body can only hold as much pain as I can handle. It will bring surface painful memories that needed to be released. I was always afraid of pain so i dissociated. For a long time, it brings me to many social problems.
I've always have a flashback out of nowhere at anytime. When I was eating, reading etc. I realized this is how my body is telling me "hey there are past issues that needed to be released. They've been in me for a long time and I'm suffering from those memories". Then when i started to feel all my emotions, boy it hurts extremely to the point of having suicidal thoughts and self harm. I tried my usual numbing techniques such as maladaptive daydreaming, listening to songs, pacing back and forth it doesn't work. The pain is there
So my only hope for the pain to stop is sleeping. I love sleeping with the mindset, "tomorrow will be better and will be less pain"
I processed my feelings for at least 3 months and i noticed some improvement. There are days when i don't feel pain, 1 or 2 days and the next day the pain starts again.
This means my body heals for a day or two before being ready to release pain
I've done this for 1 year and 8 months and it gets better. My ability to read emotions gets better, my social interaction gets better. My ability to read sarcasm, mockery and social cues gets better. I can think with clarity. I have my true feelings with clarity. I can go back and review painful memories. After i processed them, i can see with clarity what happened, what went wrong, what should have been done and i forgive those people and i forgive myself and i give myself closure.
I know it has healed when my body won't prompt me to release pain of the memories anymore
Also i can detect the red flags from the traumatic memories. I know what people to avoid and i trust my body. When i healed fully, I'm ready to allow people that i find trustworthy in my life. If one of them betray me, I'll learn about their red flags and i won't allow people with the red flags to enter my life again. I'll also process the traumatic memories because i don't want to let the traumatic memories stay in my body. Because I'm in a safe situation and my body and emotions and feelings are safe from traumatic memories because i allow myself to feel emotions and release it
I always knew that my narsissistic schizophrenic troubled mother horrible treatment of me as a little girl had an impact on my brain but i didnt know where in my brain exactly. I couldnt focus in maths physics and chemistry subjects that need a lot of concentration. I did do well in languages. Thank God and that saved me bcz am an english teacher. I struggled in my relationships they were all a mess. I couldnt form a normal relationship and now am all alone and sick and tired of it. I know mother was sick but she neglected me, abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically, i felt not wanted , rejected , abandoned , and worthless and undeserving of love. Now in my mid thirties am so ready to heal these wounds because i am over letting them control my life. I want better and now i realise i deserve better
Hello, our stories are quite similar. I too wasn't able to concentrate in mathematics and physics but languages saved me. I also teach English now. I'm also in my mid thirties and suffered neglect and abuse. I watched Tim Fletcher s series on shame and it resonated with me. It was as if he was talking about my experiences. I took a lot of notes and decided to start from there. In my country, we don't have access to quality psychological help so I will have to help myself.
@@branan6935 same here with me I did the same I am glad that someone knows what we've been through and is helping us heal.. somehow it feels less lonely let us keep in touch on our healing journey
@@haddadiwanassa yes, it helps to know that you're not alone on the journey. Hang in there. We will make it
@@branan6935 I hope so thank you, you hang in there too ok? You can do it let us do it 💪 we can sending you love light and joy
@user I'm so sorry to hear about your mother wound. You don't have to live her script. We grew up with very sick parents. You are beloved and worthy of love too 💕
I love this man. He understands. He gets it. Wow☆!
Addiction is soooo many things. I remember feeling this way after I lost 170lbs and my family felt so angry at me. Like they were mad that I was self sufficient and they didn’t have to take care of me anymore. They were so mad I wasn’t sick. It hurt.
I can see in myself why I stayed with my addiction ex. I wanted him to come with me in growth but he refused. I tried to drag him to health but it never worked. But also the dynamic of being the “normal one” was definitely there. I’ve played both sides. But I feel like that is the cycle of abuse. We can be the victim and the perpetrator depending on the situation.
Your presentation is so powerful and informative. Wish I didn't feel like I was checking off every single item. It's kind of like swimming through sewage while someone tells you there is a shore there somewhere, so keep swimming. It's all so very sad, but feels true. Makes me want to be kind to everyone.
Yes, I understand completely
its at 36:54 i knew my mother wanted me to stay sick - thank you for confirming this - you are a godsend
Holy cow, profound!
Let's go 2024 I love that this man can articulate his thoughts so we can learn
I'm studying to be a therapist and I'm married to someone with CPTSD so this is really helpful
God has blessed you with what you're doing and me for finding it. Shalom!
These videos help me so much with my own healing and also to have compassion and forgiveness for my beloved who was also severely traumatized.
There was obviously no hope of success in my marriage. Me suffering from complex trauma and I married someone with the same problem. Guess that makes me feel abit better now that I understand.
You've just explained my whole life and the interpersonal issues I've experienced. Thanks so much for sharing online for free. X
My biggest issue is trust, I've never trusted anyone EVER... My biggest fear is dying alone.. :(
Roseanne - I discovered that I didn’t believe I could trust anyone while doing Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD. I am learning I can trust different people to different degrees. Most people I can trust to be exactly who they are. I have had to learn to give a little trust and see what they do with it.
I wish you the best in your journey.
I have the same trust issues. Trusting tends to result in someone controlling and manipulating me. Soooo, I set boundaries and bam they move on or, in the case of my mom, they up the ante, so to speak. That's when she'd make threats (punishment) or withdraw and turn cold (silent treatment). As I got older and had more of my own resources, she tried to go through others, like going through an older sister. If I didn't want to go to a family thing (after I moved out), even having plans wasn't enough to say "No." She'd always ask what and when.
I hope you find the courage to be able to trust again and wish you well on your journey x
@Roseanne
Yep.
I'monna die alone too. My kids are dangerous. I don't want them near me. And there is no one else.
I have far more fear to trust than to die alone. I am pretty much ok with dying alone. The fear for me is to live and trust humans. I love animals but have difficulty with trusting humans.
I had a vasectomy when I was 22. Did not want to neglect a child the way I was neglected by alcoholic parents
same! i got my tubes removed a couple years ago. best decision i've ever made.
It could have been the best relationship you ever had
Cause all they want to do is love you and have the best relationship with you
Reverse it you won't be like they were to you.
And you just want to be loved
I’d get a vasectomy too but I don’t like how it changes your face (you can spot a guy with a vasectomy a mile away) so instead I am just celibate 🤷♂️
@eddieafterbuilrner it has zero effect on your face, are you dumb?
This is amazingly good. Thanks!
Almost 2 years into recovery. What a interesting journey this has been.
Recorded seven years of go but I'm extremely grateful to have found it today! Thank you so much and bless you! 🙏🏼💕
I think this first happened to me when I was 7 years old, now I'm 49. I honestly feel numb and dead inside with zero connection to other people. I feel disassociated and my hearts not in it
I see my issues very clearly but I feel like I’m always 100% guilty for the failure of a relationship. It makes me chase and not able to let go
That is the shame speaking. The antidotes to shame is talking about what happened. Is allowing yourself the freedom to sit in the shit so the healing can happen. People who haven't experienced trauma throughout their childhood do not know how to hold space for someone who did, and maybe instead of saying something's wrong with us, maybe we can all agree something is wrong with society still
This is excellent teaching with good examples and insight. It is worth your time and will help you to heal if you are willing.
How are you doing? Would you say that you are healthy now? What were the most important points to heal? Thanks.
Av also just found out this channel not long ago and unfortunately inspite of seeing the red flugs of being deceived over and over I told myself if I just help them see their wrong they would change. I gave myself that job of keeping them in check for the last two decades. I guess I was really messed to have entertained all these. Feel sad children are involved who they never wanted in the first place. I dint know how to get out but now I would realy love to but the situation is too complicated. Pray with me am 51 now.
It’s never too complicated. At least get therapy if you can; with someone trauma informed and trained
Thank you for your work. What a great contribution to understanding our makings.
As you were discussing trust and respect, I thought these are the two issues that destroyed my marriage. I suffer with complex PTSD because of severe childhood abuse. With your podcast today, you explain what happens with children who are abused and you absolutely nailed my issues. I tolerated abuse in my marriage because that's what I had to do as a child. Now I understand the pain I am processing after recently ending my marriage. The reason why I said "no more" was because of being cheated on and being severely abused which included being lied to over and over. I had to have found a little bit of respect for myself to walk away along while also knowing I could never trust my ex-husband ever again. The healing process is grueling because I was in the marriage a little over 40 years. I'm going to remember trust and respect. Thank-you for these key important words
I'm a Reiki Master and Intuitive Healer.
I am deeply traumatized and have days where i can't catch my breath.
I am great at offering advice and making people feel connected and loved. I don't want anyone to ever feel as cold, lonely and sickeningly abandoned as i did w my abusive and neglected childhood. I was bullied severely in school ans also by my father and sister. They still, to this day, act fked up towards me and my son.
Sometimes i feel like I'm not allowed to cry or have days to process. I feel like i always have to be 'on' in order to survive.
Sorry this happened to you but there is no such thing reiki or healer that works they re both nonsense concepts.
This is awesome❤ but shit it triggers me. A lot of Disrespect in my Life and I can't fight back.
Sometimes Neurofeedback is used w/ CPTSD to help the brain regulate. Also, a good therapist who knows how to use EMDR for early traumas (baby & childhood) & in adult years as well. These things are missed in Christianity!!!
"these things are missed in Christianity", who's, yours?
Absolutely missed! 🙏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Crazy you were making videos on this 7 years ago and most people haven’t heard of it til now.. many still haven’t. The worst affect of my complex PTSD is my fear of commitment/lack of being able to commit, while still wanting a family so bad. I don’t want to be non monogamous either, that whole thing feels weird to me. I just want to be able to commit and be happy with one person for my life but I can’t see that actually happening.
Brilliant !! This blasts through decades of useless therapy and gets to the core.
Awareness wont repair the damage thats just step one.
God bless you Tim
Wow like he says people will think he followed people around with a video camera it will relate so much to alot of people's lives he's so amazing to know all this knowledge he's helped me alot in just a few weeks Thank you .
I was running from my truth, turned to alcohol for years to try and escape my reality. Only made things worse, now I sit and listen in acceptance asking my higher power to help guide me.
Thank you for making and posting these videos. The most valuable information I’ve ever gotten. Wow. Life changer. I need advice as to what kind of specialized therapy for religious abuse. I’m struggling. Thank you 🙏
We offer online counselling for that. You can email onlinecounselling@findingfreedom.ca
This single best video I’ve ever watched!!!
Yes, siblings can rip us to shreds if we are not careful. As I started to stand up for myself they stayed away. I decided that I am fine without them. If I'm invited I only attend for an hour and make sure I have an excuse to leave.
Had a vasectomy at 22 so I could not neglect a child like I was by alcoholic parents
The worst thing is not having parents, friends or partners that don't let us grow... the worst thing is to find a therapist who doesn't want us to grow and tries to keep the relationship where you will be sick forever
I experienced this and the therapist absolutely traumatized me more
For the therapist, it's the sickiest thing I'be heard !!😳😳
I was about to book for the first time of my life... I'll wait because how can I found out the therapist is good or not !!?🤯🤯
Yes. TY. All you say is truth…I’m a trustworthy witness to this. 👌🏼
Im watching all the series. Now when do we get to correcting all this? ;)
somatic therapy, writing, EMDR, Brainspotting, doing bodywork like Hellerwork, yoga, dance etc, having relationships where u feel safe -no toxic people-
Tim, Thank you so much for all of your knowledge on Complex PTSD. You have helped me so much. I wonder if you can speak on the impact of intergenerational CT. I look at all the damage my parents did with ten children and can't help but believe that their parents inflicted CT on them.
yes!! almost all of my relationships have been shallow.
Hey Tim, your videos have been much appreciated, thank you
Who is this speaker? Wow! Wonderful insight! Changed my life! Thank you!
Tim Fletcher
Tim Fletcher
SIR CAN U HELP ME WITH THERSPY PLZ REPLY
This is such an incredibly helpful video!!! Thank you!
I have never had what I would consider a healthy or successful love relationship in my life, knew that I had experienced something, spent 30 years with a surpressed memory of childhood sexual abuse,and terror,
Been working on all this for my entire life
Sometimes, I really don't know how or why,I have survived
Just want to feel love without hanging on a cross
I tried to trust an abuser but the result was catastrophic. He walked out on me and that caused me major serious panic attack that sent me to a whole crazy state
30:00 - Respecting yourself and how to.
I’m self aware. I know I have trust issues but I still do try to trust and remind myself of this. I’m very hyper-vigilant and observant. Which can come across as untrusting if others pick up on this. However, this has also saved me. I realise I’m struggling with the balance of trust..
I so appreciate your teachings, Tim. I find them so full of important and Biblical truth. One question that comes to my mind throughout your lessons is, when you refer to complex trauma in children, wouldn't those same concepts basically also apply to us as young adults while our brains are still developing at least until age 25?
Thank you so much. Story it's also about me. I'm not manipulating only but rest it's me. I didn't know that the problem I got it's so difficult to resolve. I have no trust to nobody and I don't respect also. Tim that's heavy shit. Thank you again so much. God bless you
My sweet love sabotages his relationships. I'm hurt for myself as i miss him so much but im more hurt for him.
I used to like people.. Now I become a Person who almost dislikes human.. most of them are so selfish and just MEAN😢
I think as a society, we have been subtly trained to be more focused on ourselves. I like to find little ways to be more kind. Goodness know the world needs more kindness and perhaps that could cause a ripple effect that results eventually in trust and more respect. When we sow seeds, we dont immediately see the fruit, it takes time to grow. I think gardening is a wonderful metaphor for life overall. We have to deal with weeds in the garden and in life. 🙏 may God bless you in your journey.
and you are the exception?? fuck sakes
As good as Pastor Tim is at understanding trauma, he doesnt seem to realize the demonic nature of covert narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, emotionally immature parents raising children, selecting the family scapegoat, the golden child etc, which is the main cause of complex trauma. Narcissism is the spiritual scourge of humanity, it is pandemic, getting worse, and is referenced all throughout the Bible.
You come out of a family with narcissistic parents, having been the family scapegoat, then other narcissists in the world can detect your trauma, they can sense you have been groomed for abuse and target you for further abuse.
As a scapegoat I agree with your whole comment except for emotionally immature parents having a demonic nature, if they have time to mature and develop tools or get help then they can be healthy
They do have a demonic nature but again demonic nature comes bc people choose to do wrong e.g to their children, this opens doors to demonic. But they choose to do wrong out of ignorance. Pastor Tim is trying to fill the gap of ignorance. Jesus said my people perish bc of ignorance. Wednesday to know the truth to no fall prey to distorted opinions zbout how to raise children
You are brilliant🙏💫. God bless You!
What if you leave them and they use coercion on you like stalking, threatening, violence, kidnapping and even drugging you?
So appreciate you have grown ❤❤❤
Don’t get in a relationship in recovery the way he’s talking about. Please take it from me, I did that and me and the guy both had 2 weeks of sobriety. We got married and had a child. It was a nightmare. We both relapsed but I was worse. I have 10 years of sobriety now and my son is 21. Things turned out ok with him, but the situation between his dad and I were inexplicably bad. Please do not do this early in recovery.
✅ good video
Too much addiction focus in the trust examples. Need non addict examples so I can understand
Have a listen Gabor Matè - every traumatised person has addictive patterns in their life
addiction can also include the addiction to isolate
Thank you🙂
24:26 for me, it's being whistled for. Not like a wolf whistle but like you'd whistle for your dog.
I'm not particularly violent but if you whistle at me, I WILL fight you.
And the weird part is that I don't think anyone ever whistled at me.
The absolute truth from 00:35 on
Excellent 👍
Me ..right now in the same condition 😢
Thank you.
I just come oit of a 3 year relationship with a woman with complex PTSD , I made a few mistakes, I still love her dearly but after the honeymoon period , it became a nigttnare esp when she was triggered it would blow up like WW3..At the end I was trauma nodded and I just starting to recover now a month on..I thought she was BPD or a Narc but I know now it was her trauma...
How far along in your relationship was you when you noticed behaviours or she started to change ? I split at the year mark but his behaviours I think only just started to happen.
Thanks for saving me from this Anna
Breaking the chains now
I don't trust anybody. Surviving was so hard work, that my body gave up and I had a severe burn-out. So now I don't even trust myself.
Likewise, in the book “Love & Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs, he deems so many things in his book as disrespectful. For instance, his wife putting pepper on his eggs, even though he has told her he doesn’t like pepper, it’s disrespect. When his mom made more money than his dad, it was disrespect.
Learning from his backstory, his childhood was awful. He 99.999% chance he has complex trauma but instead of dealing with his issues, he teaches his messed up way of thinking as “normal.” It’s sad and I know this book has harmed so many people in the church and yet, it is such a popular book.
I don’t like pepper on my eggs either because I like my Eggesrichs
What are your thoughts on like Emerson Eggerichs saying that wives are supposed to UNCONDITIONALLY respect their husband?
One of the most harmful books to relationships ever printed. Check out Sheila Gregoire's research/ work.
Yep, not respected by siblings. Even at church sarcasm was the norm. Wow.
I so relate to this. Older bros can raise one on sarcasm, ridicule, dupery & shaming, & it is stunning to realize how this warps one's perceptions. To this day I'm still terrified of sarcastic people & scorn. Yet i did this to others, go figure.
Been really good shit listening tot his guy but he projects his voice a lot which is great for the room, but tough for me trying to listen going to sleep hahaha
Much of the video are talking about the victim predator rescue triangle
has anyone done the react program?
Why is he assuming that all people with CPTSD drink and take drugs?
I mean. I dont drink and woukd not say i do drugs but very rare people afflicted dont at all. Whether medication or recreational theres always a crutch. Maybe you are like me and have a hobby you are passionate about? I dont think he is claiming we all do i think he is stating the commonality of drug use amongst cptsd sufferers. If you truly do not you have my respect
More so we all cope through addiction whether it is drugs, alcohol, casual sex or model trains.
addictions can take the form of food, shopping, workaholic etc as well...
@@freefree1664 workaholic is very common. Keeps the mind occupied was always my go to but made the mistake of not getting far enough away from the sick world i grew up in. Perverts and liars and such
Oh my, you call it at 18:05.
33:20 🔥
Trust and need to control enviroment so my abadonement issues aren't triggered And I met a guy with multiple addictions anger issues and wouldn't respect me enough engaged to stop all the dating apps chats and smutt so i felt betrayed I left
Wow I can't believe he said that about babies
🙏 ty
Who is the man presenting in this video please
Tim Fletcher
23:20
28:22
I feel really tired
I ‘ saved ‘ my Son and Ex wife from me when he was only 2. I didn’t do anything to them at all. But I was so scared that I might. The abused becomes the abuser. I financed them and stayed in touch. But I had a narcissistic cruel violent Father role model . I had no learning as to how to be good. My Son is now a healthy. Rounded, psychologically sound pleasant man of 26. My sacrifice. I lost but it was worth it. That b***tard ‘ father’ ruined my life. My brother committed suicide to escape.
Ridiculous! Having trust for a family environmental that was traumatizing. I'm not blaming but that's the environment that I grew up in. The one that traumatized me severely.
Sure if the trauma wasn't caused by the family environment this may be great advice.
But I think most of us come from parents who have arrested development of the emotional regulation system. Most of our parents never individuated have no self but rather use crafted personas, and they definitely never became autonomous. They still cannot govern. They were codependent and they were extremely immature and still are for the most part. They are disconnected from themselves. They think emotions are a punishment / reward system and they don't know how to process their emotions because they are completely disconnected from themselves. Therefore they're very unhealthy.
And anybody raised by parents like that are not going to be functional healthy people and you're right most of us end up with addictions. However if you understand that unresolved trauma is the problem and that you're disconnected from yourself and that you probably don't have a developed self yet and that you probably have an individuated and that you're almost guaranteed not to have any autonomy you can begin to heal your unresolved childhood trauma and reconnect to yourself by processing your emotions.
By staying present and not falling into autopilot butt stain mindful of your emotions how you feel feel them don't be scared of the negative or painfully emotions they are not your enemy. It's a communication system.
There's also no reason to be angry at your family because they I'm sure had no idea what they were doing. Humans learn what they live. and we can pretty safely say that none of us had parents that knew how to be healthy emotionally regulated people that were in touch with their emotions processing them correctly.. I need to say at least nobody that I know is like this.. there may be a whole world of healthy people out there that I don't know about
But I'm coming from a whole world of unhealthy people that I do know about. Myself included.
The important part of this message is that all addiction is caused by unresolved Early childhood trauma
And the addiction happens because of the painful state of being disconnected from oneself leaves a person in a state of eternal separation from not only themselves but anybody else there's no way to form a connection with anybody when you don't have an actual self-developed and when you don't have any connection to yourself even if you did
So that's why the cure is to reattach to yourself and basically the way I did it was by practicing radical self-acceptance.
I stayed mindful and present with my emotions and with myselfI consciously chose not to seek out external validation and even when I had no motivation whatsoever to do anything I did not abandon myself and reach out to somebody to inspire me. I stayed present with myself even through a few years of pretty long and hard apathy
I had already los5 almost everything that mattered to me.
Thank God I didn't lose my son. However I did lose two daughters my vehicle my home and everything I had worked for my entire life and ended up homeless and alone. My son was the only one that did not turn his back on me although he was pretty angry and upset with me. And I don't blame him.
Today I can look back at myself and see a very sick person who was extremely ignorant naive and traumatized.
I do not hold myself in any kind of judgment or condemnation over what was done but I can tell you that I had believed that I was a really good mom and that my problems were pretty much all my ex or my mom's lack of involvement or my family's lack of support I had no idea that I was the culprit behind every problem that I had.
It was really hard at first trying to swallow the fact that I was the one that had caused all of this pain and damage. I'm not going to talk about anybody else that didn't do their part or did things that were not at all supportive or helpful. Because that's not my cross to bear. I'm leaving that on other people's shoulders.
And I'm focusing 100% on my 100% responsibility for my own life my own behaviors my own responses my own actions my own education. And because I did that I have empowered myself and I left behind a very painfully sad existence of a covert borderline personality and also Bean limersnt which is basically not really living in reality
I did not know what I had been dealing with until I was almost if not recovered at least I was equipped with the tools to protect myself from my self and my dysfunctions
I did all of this as I worked my way out of homelessness after years of living on the streets I've been in my own apartment for around 2 years and I am single independent I'm autonomous I've got a formed self and I am emotionally regulated. I actually can handle all kinds of things like a mature sound-minded adult and it feels really good
And I can tell you one more thing....
Treat the trauma....and don't concentrate or worry about the addiction. Just work on the trauma work on the reconnection and when you do this you will start to feel so good you will not need to medicate yourself. You won't need to numb your emotions out.
It doesn't take a therapist or any money at all to resolve trauma
You can do it all by yourself.
All of that being said..... In my case...... F*** yeah I'm the one that I trust.... Because I'm the only one that stood by my side. Now I'm so loyal to myself that I can fully trust myself. I don't need to trust people that discarded me like garbage I'm not complaining because I know that the experience is what healed me. But that does not mean that the people that turned their backs on me and threw me away like a piece of garbage are trustworthy or are deserving of my company
Anybody that wants to be a part of my life will have to come to me show me their interested put effort in and show me what changes they've made in order to be a part of my life
Just like I'm doing so that maybe one day I can be a part of my daughter's lives again
If I can take responsibility for my part..... Everybody else is going to have to take responsibility for their part too and if they don't then that's fine I don't mind I'm not mad or upset I'm just not going to be in relationships with dysfunctional unhealthy unregulated people.
And I certainly am not going to trust them! .
I need psychologist help meee
We provide online counselling
onlinecounselling@findingfreedom.ca
Bro how to get online counselling
I am from Pakistan but I know English sorry for bad English but I want to join
We do online counselling with people all over the world. We also have a support group of Facebook. If you send me a friend request (Tim Fletcher), I can invite you to the group
The title of this video says devistating instead of devAststing. Proofreader here.
A comment on this video says devaststing instead of devastating. Proofreader here.
That's fear of someone throwing you in jail.
Why do you constantly blame the victim of complex trauma instead of speaking about self-compassion.in the process of healing. Self - compassion is the antidote to shame .
It is not the person w CPTSD 's fault. It is called CPTSD not complex trauma btw.
I agree. earlier today, before I listened to this, I was in a mood where I can in fact have a healthy relationship if I find the right person. and then listening to this makes me feel like I'm horrendously broken. I think it stems from his pastor background, Christianity is built around "you are a disgusting, evil person - BUT Jesus can save you" - that is essentially his position here as well.
@@crazymusicman13 Yes ..seems like it...👍
@@crazymusicman13 you are damaged and dysfunctional but not broken and he isnt implying that.This has absolutely nothing to do with religion.