Partner with CPTSD? These Tips Can Help You Have a Great Relationship
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- Опубліковано 25 січ 2023
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It's not always easy to be with someone who was abused or neglected as a child. Attachment wounds, emotional dysregulation, and trouble feeling connected and close can create conflicts and barriers. Learn tips for supporting someone who struggles with CPTSD symptoms sometimes, so you can have more understanding and fewer conflicts, while still setting healthy boundaries against abuse or inapprorpriate caretaking.
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I’m so deeply grateful for my partner of 23 years; his love has been transformative. One of the most helpful things he does when I’m angry and disregulated, is to listen calmly to what I have to say, and then repeat back to me what he understood. He doesn’t say he agrees or that I’m right; he simply checks in with a “what I’m hearing is…Did I get that fully?” My nervous system is so soothed by this, and over time I’ve learned to offer this kind of mirroring to him as well.
Thanks for sharing! That sounds like a really good practice. -Calista@TeamFairy
He sounds like a wonderful man. You’re lucky, as is he, to have found one another. ❤️
That's wonderful to hear :)
This is actually very nice to hear. I would do the same thing for my soon to be ex-wife and she would ask 'If I was stupid?' or 'Are you even listening?' and I was always told I had poor communication skills. It gives me hope for future relationships.
You are a very very blessed lady
"Dysregulated talk is like drunk talk. "
Yes!
and then I have had the time when I've combined the two, and believe me, it's not good to drink when you're in this emotional dysregulation phase. Sad hard lesson learned.
For all those who criticise sufferers - no one asked to have a difficult childhood or live with the lifelong burden of action by others throughout their lives
Loving someone with CPTSD is easy. Keeping from triggering each other is the hard part.
so true. if the non-cptsd has other issues anxieties it is so hard
Amen!
So true... im struggling with my guy on this right now. It's hard to tell if he's growing or pretending too. He's able to see logic so that's good. It's just a matter of being able to lay things out logically without getting triggered.
Ive started to date this girl that used to be my friend. She reconnected as friends to catch up. One thing led to another and we kissed, i refused sex on the first night even though she wanted to. I dissociate during intimacy and i told her about it. She knows about my past abuse and pain, she used to comfort me when i was sad, still does to this day. She respects my decisions, she respects the fact that it takes time for me to be comfortable intimately and weve grown very close. Now i can kiss her without closing my eyes, she makes me feel wanted and loved, its truly healing. Ive cried the first time we were intimate, i told her that im not used to love and affection. She told me its ok, she can provide that for me, stroked my hair to help me fall asleep. Good people are out there.
I almost broke up with my boyfriend because I felt like he doesn’t deserve to be with a partner who has all the trauma I have, I thought to myself “He deserves someone who grew up in a loving home like he did so she can love him the way he deserves, I don’t know how to do that” but seeing this video is such an amazing confirmation that I made the right choice by staying with him, we can make this work and I can love him the way he deserves.❤️
Wow, I'm so glad you watched the video. You deserve a loving relationship :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My therapist told me that breakups are conversations and decisions to make together. I'm glad you didn't jump to making the decision for him. I hope you both are well!
this topic need ALOT more attention, cause its very difficult to be the partner
I find disregulation comes one of two ways, it either sneaks up on me slowly or hits me like a freight train. I have the best thing my partner can do when it hits me like a freight train it’s it state things in simple facts like, “you’re safe” “I’m not mad” etc and allowing silence. I’m so grateful for her loving me in this way.
I was married to someone with CPTSD. She was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD, but I always had a sense that this wasn't the whole picture. I remember asking my own therapist several times if there was a form of PTSD that is centered around attachment and relationships. I was blamed daily, sometimes several times a day for her triggers. No matter how hard I tried to change everything about myself, none of it made any difference. All of our arguments centered around her extreme reactivity and me trying to get her to see that her reaction was 1000x more destructive than anything she was trying to blame me for. I can remember watching Jeopardy on the couch together and making a tiny comment, that slightly disagreed with something she had said and spending literally the next 4 and a half hours listening to her rant and spin out in circles trying to reconcile her reaction, but never apologizing or owning anything she did. This kind of interaction was my entire life. Basically, it reached a point where I had to admit to myself that I was in an abusive marriage and put up hard boundaries. Also unfortunate that we saw a couple's therapist who didn't know anything about CPTSD and we spent the whole time discussing how I can change, be more empathetic, etc instead of ever talking about the underlying issue. Sadly, we divorced. It is a no contact situation for me. I appreciate these videos, though. It's really validating and healing for me to know that I wasn't the cause of all her panic and disregulation. I never thought I believed most of the things she blamed me for, but eventually had to acknowledge that my body still carries the trauma of her words and actions.
Actually I think it could be a Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) more than just cPTSD. They seem to be very similar in some ways but you can also differentiate them in others.
Have you read about BPD already? Maybe check it out and try to differentiate. Maybe you are right and it was cPTSD but maybe it was just a BPD and then a whole picture looks different.
I hope it helps 😊
@@KasiaJangMiMalinowa ya i've read a bunch about bpd. her reactions weren't violent for the most part. mainly it was panic, but then getting super defensive and argumentative and then blaming me for it. seems to me more like cptsd than bpd. but ya it's hard to determine that from one comment.
I've come to recognize the reactivity and (verbal) explosions that I had were part of C-PTSD. I had been "programmed" to expect and respond with hostility.
After watching dozens of videos produced by Anna and Therapy in a Nutshell (Emma) and narcissism survival coaches like Dr. Ramani (spelling?), Danish, Richard (Brannon?), and others, I'm learning about subtle differences between actual narcissism, BPD, and C-PTSD. All these disorders have similar outwardly visible symptoms or characteristics. I think the main difference is what drives those traits out to the surface, the motive or compulsions or, in my case, "programming." Humans are born teachable. We can learn good and bad habits. We can learn to replace bad habits with the good. We can train, in effect, "reprogram" our minds to respond in a different way. It takes time; it takes effort. But first, it takes desire and willingness to change.
Through my own healing journey, I hope to guide others toward healing their own trauma. I realize that i still have to put more effort into not getting dysregulated myself when a loved one is trapped in dysregulation.
Much success to y'all in your efforts to "reprogram" yourselves and to support others along the way.
❤️🩹
Thank You!
It's look like a cluster B, Borderline, who is projeting on you. Therapists misunderstading a Lot and mix both.
Questions can overwhelm them during disregulation? This is a revelation to me. My wife used to get upset sometimes when I asked questions about herself or something that happened. I couldn't understand why, because literally every other wife I had ever known wished their husband would take more of an interest in their day or their life in general. So I couldn't understand why simple questions seemed to be too much for her. Now I understand. Thank you for this. It was very helpful.
My mother has cptsd and she chose me to be her healer. I had to go low contact after 33 years. And all the compassion I had for her has flipped to compassion for myself.
Relatable! 🥰
Gosh, I get this so much! I love my mom and don’t want to go n/c … and there are times I feel loving her is like sacrificing my own mental health… there has to be a better way.
I reached my breaking point with my mother who told me all of her stories and troubles. I’ve been no contact for years and it’s wonderful. I now vacillate between feeling anger and indifference. She saddled me with existential pain I’ve carried all my life, as I knew the word abortion since before I knew what it meant. So f* her
I could never understand why, while loathing drama, I did so much to create it. My overwhelming emotions nearly always resulted in threats to break up or run away during conflicts with my partners. All I knew was that I needed to run because I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I felt and looked like a lunatic and knew how crazy my behaviour was, but I felt powerless to change it. I would make a firm promise to myself never to do it again, but boom, during the next conflict, I was doing it again. As maddening as it is to be the erratic person, how frustrating it must have been for my partners. 😔
I too am always the one to leave the room/relationship and spout off like a crazy person. I’m very difficult in relationships 😞
God Blesses you with all his Love and healing power.
i feel this so much i always wanna run but i want them to run after me and i get more upset when they don’t
Wow thank you for sharing your experience and having such compassion for yourself and understanding the partners perspective and experiences
Anna, thanks for trying to address this topic. I tried for 34 years of marriage. But my wife could not admit that she had cptsd, would not recognize or apologize for abuse - even after years of therapy and couples counseling. She could not let go of blame as her defense. Sadly she is even worse since I left 10 months ago- the abandonment wound is too deep. Love doesn’t heal her. It took me years of therapy and work to address my own cptsd. If they can’t admit the problem there is no recovery. I know you do a lot of tough love videos on this.
Hugs
Experiencing this in my marriage
Why is this so shocking to me that no one is supposed to kinda help soothe my discomfort?? That seems so isolating to me. Please keep talking about this - thank you!!
We didn’t get it as children, that’s when other people were supposed to do that for us. As “adults” we are to self-soothe, and it’s why -I think- there are so many drug addictions in the world- people don’t know how to self-soothe. No one ever teaches us how to deal with pain, physical or emotional
If you’re truly in a dysregulated state, “soothing your discomfort” is wayyyy bigger than any person’s ability even with the best intentions. “Supposed to” is a problematic expectation because it’s not anyone’s job to give you what you didn’t receive (and deserved) as a child and it’s unfair to expect it. No one could do that for you even if they wanted to because an adult relationship is supposed to be two adults, not parent and child. No one else can fix you but you.
@@rlud304 yes but this isn’t about childishness. It’s about being human.
@@sunnygirl9691 Best of luck to you
@@rlud304 There are 1 million examples of how people - grown-ups - very healthfully rely on others for regulation and comfort. This is the biggest reason why people have pets. This is why people grieve together at funerals. This is also why people celebrate together. Having the expectation of shared emotion with others is HUMAN.
I just got diagnosed with cptsd, and wow, I was not expecting it at all. At first I was like "ok I'm good" then hrs later I started to feel down about it because I realized how disfunction I can be to myself and others. I don't even mean to be that way.I over think alot, over talk; (because I want to make sure my point gets across), and always in my head about issues I can't resolve. I worry over little things that trigger my anxiety. And have anger issues. It's a lot for me to deal with myself. For the most part, i look stable, carry great conversations, but can get easily triggered by things a person might (taking it the wrong way) It will take a patient, understanding type of person to deal with someone like myself. I have a big heart, and it's hard for a lot of people to see because I don't project as someone who is kind.....Alot to learn. All I have to say is stay away from people who trigger you. And take the appropriate therapy for this type, which is DBT or EMDR. Good Luck to those who have this. ❤
Thank you for watching and sharing your experience with us. If you'd like to try Daily Practice it can help you find clarity, declutter thoughts, and help with getting regulated. Here's a link to the free course: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice
Nika@TeamFairy
I am convinced that someone who had it especially hard at home needs a partner who is both unusually intelligent and (even more so) unusually sensitive. And then, you would need some chemistry...!
They need someone with very firm boundaries who is loving
This made me realize my partner has never been supportive of my CPTSD… he basically bullied me into hiding my symptoms, he just didn’t want to deal with them, and he would get verbally cruel about them. “ANXIETY ANXIETY ANXIETY THATS ALL YOU EVER ARE!!!!” He screamed that at me as loud as he could while hitting his head against a steering wheel… when I realized his bullying had WORSENED my condition, it broke me deep down. I am currently weighing my options on if it would be worse to stay or leave
For me, being alone is so much better than to have someone that triggers me or doesn't care to understand. Having a pet is incredibly helpful and healing.
You deserve someone who supports your well-being. You deserve someone who supports you in regulating yourself. There ARE people like this out there and you will meet someone like this if you give yourself this chance. I know that a breakup is hard and will probably worsen your symptoms for a while but in the long run it will be worth it. Healing is only possible to an extent if your social system is not willing to grow with you ❤️
If he's a bully, it would be better to leave. Full stop.
Maybe you trigger each other
This video made me cry. I'm still in the early stages of healing, my partner is amazing, and we have learning moments for us both. It's very very hard. Any relationship would for anyone going through this kind of healing journey - relationships can be triggering - but having someone who's not going anywhere, who's patient and willing enough to learn with you, is so incredible. I feel sorry that he has to go thru this with me, but I'm thankful he's here.
Thank you for sharing this! Good luck on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
I feel so seen, I am crying.
We're all sending you our support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I would completely adore having a loving partner like this. It’s very regulating to just have that one person, that won’t escalate it. Heavenly in fact.
I had someone who's enjoyed my disregulation. For you that making work with your partnership you are like super heroes guys
I would love to see more videos for partners and friends of people with CPTSD I think it would be very helpful. Maybe a video a month for us? Thanks
Is very hard to find information for the partners to help . Please make more videos like this.
I needed to find this today. I was ready to walk. Tired of being blamed for things I didn't do. Tired of the lack of any healthy communication. Tired of tension and stress and negativity and all the fear based thinking. It's exhausting and doesn't align with who I am at all. It's all much better than it used to be but it's taken its toll on my health. I can do this another day and maybe your videos can inspire him to do his part, which he's been unwilling to do because every therapist weve been to wants him to talk about the trauma and he can't and won't. Fingers crossed he can understand when I present your videos that I'm not trying to fix him, I'm trying to make thisxa partnership. If there are any ideas as to how to best present this, please throw them at me.
Elizabeth, how did it go? Presenting all of this only works if they’re ready for healing or they’re open to considering trying to heal. I takes time to want to heal because healing can be even scarier than the familiar chaos.
Thank you for teaching me healthy boundaries and expectations! ❤️ I was raised to tolerate everyone else but never advocate for my own needs so I’m working on speaking up. However, when I do find people who respect me and welcome my needs I tend to ask for too much that can border on excessive catering. Your videos are so helpful with teaching me how to find and practice balance.
I completely understand, finding that balance can be incredibly difficult, but good for you for working towards that! Thank you for your kind words, I'm sure Anna will want to read this. -Calista@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy ❤❤❤
I see your beautiful face , a reflection of your heart, and I just want to give you a hug. Thank you for who YOU are and for breaking through the clutter of our minds and bringing relief.
You express my feelings too - so aptly ! 🙂
Yes. Her face has got more beautiful as she has gone along in this journey ❤
beyond grateful for this video. this is my wife and I currently. She has disrespected me in so many ways and i have become a doormat. I have made mistakes in the past but that has become the area of focus allowing my wife to take zero responsibility for her actions. I have to remove myself from the toxicity for now but hopefully with counseling and various treatments she can get the help that she needs, learn to apologize, and realize just how awesome i am and how strong our relationship can be.
maybe i’ll give an update in a year but she is right. we do not need to put up with emotional abuse
I don't know why the owner of the channel liked your comment, has your wife ptsd because of you? Because that's what you are saying here you made mistakes that became her triggers. Maby this bullshit fly's with this content creator but not with me. If she already had ptsd why did you make it worse? What kind of mistakes? You need to protect your wife or you are not even worthy of her, the way you talk, the disrespect i get why your wife does'nt like your bs i seen a few sentences and i know enough you are a first class narcissist. I think you are the one that needs help, no person in his right mind call's himself awesome. She does not need to apologize you need to be a man and stfu.
Raised with two parents with cptsd and addiction. The funny thing is that I later got an addiction myself. Men with cptsd. I can feel the smell and the energy when I meet them. They remind me of home. I recognize a lot in what you write, I became fearful and avoidant. But worked many years with myself. The addictions I got. Was wanting to help men with cptsd. A long hard work on myself. Got ptsd and became fearful and aviodant. Never let go of myself. Became a doormat. But stop now. Am 49 years old now and want to be part of my own life. No more abandoholic. Took care of both my parents since I was 7. Now it's time for me to live. Will never be bitter. Get up and see this today as an experience. But the road there was painful. But had to go through it all. Got out Out of myself. Get to know myself. Lost myself at the age of 7. Now I am the main role in my own life.
go girl
It's so damn hard. I tried for years and totally lost myself and ended up really tore up about how bad things got. Kudos to people who successfully navigate this
Nobody comes close to me, as i reflexively push them away, the deregulation is too much for me. Only understanding ppl helps me.
I have just started too see one girl who has this. These videos of yours are really helpful because I want to understand her situation and be supportive for her and build this relationship. She hasn’t shown yet these emotions for me but she has told me about them. Thanks for your help.
Likewise her my friend, just getting to these emotions now, and I've been feeling like I've done wrong, but the video has happend me to understand it a little bit more, she is right now mad about me for not remembering the symptoms, and this being my first time with a partner that has CPTSD, i want to learn, understand and build up our relationship together healthy
Thank you so very much for this video! It’s the exact advice I needed when I’ve been struggling with how I can help my partner effectively. Your videos are very much appreciated and great advice to deescalate tense situations.
I've just discovered your channel..
Been in trauma therapy 3 years, had current lover for 2 1/2. I'm hoping this video helps him. Thank you
Notice when they're dysregulated, slow down, voice gentle, not a lot of questions or demands. I notice, does it help if I... Get some space, a few minutes apart. Don't threaten the relationship stay polite kind stay out of the drama let the storm pass. Avert the fights. Calm, steady is good.
Thank you so much for your insights and wisdom. It's only in the last few years that ive been diagnosed with cptsd and its great to finally understand why my behaviours happen. Im not giving up and working on myself is now something i enjoy doing.
Im so lucky to have my wife of 17 yrs.
She does alot of what you recommend naturally . This will help her and myself so much .
Thank you.
Thank you SO much for this video. It answered so many questions for me, although in my case I was looking for ways to support my mother, with whom I live, who I *know* has CPTSD and so do I. She is 79 and I have seen this brain fog, which made me worried that she has dementia, but I know she had a traumatic childhood. Now I need to be supportive while maintaining my own sanity. I'm so relieved to find some answers!
My wife left me because of this. I had no idea I was going through this and had a bad year that made the symptoms get worse, and she couldn’t deal with it. 💔
Sorry to hear, hope you both heal well
I so needed to hear this tonight. Thank you for your guidance. Glad I found you. Will subscribe 😊
I met my love aged 8 and again 3 months ago at my father's funeral. He is so worthy. Thank you for this video xx
Wow! Thank you thank you!! Healing with your help from Colorado!
I appreciate this video so much. I will watch it until I master it. I love my partner.
This is genuinely life changing.
I hope for my relationships future I can apply this absolutely amazing information to support someone who means everything to me. 😊
I am so thankful for finding you ❤ Thank you for your work Anna 💕
What a kind thing to say! So happy to hear the channel has been helpful, thanks for taking the time to comment. -Calista@TeamFairy
I wish I'd had this information 6 months ago, you see I fell in love with a beautiful woman who is suffering from CPTSD and wasn't prepared for what was to come. I moved from the US to be with her in Scotland and it was 4 months of the best and worst experience of my life.
She endured a horrific childhood, one of 5 children, and one of the two girls born to the family. One of violence, abuse, alcohol, and behavior that can only be called insane, by her parents. A father who sexually abused her, terrified the family, beat her mother, and a mother who as a result of this abuse by her father, became nearly as monstrous.
I would love to be able to offer any support to her, but it may be too late.....as I said, I didn't realize the extent of the disorder until it was too late. I reacted as if she was navigating her emotions normally and not from what this disorder produces.
I often times didn't even know what set her off, I know now it wasn't even me most of the time. I have moved back to the US, but am planning on returning to Scotland with hopes of seeing her better prepared for what may come.
Try again with her 🥺 love knows no time
Please try again with her and be patient with helping her
Thank you for this, you have opened my eyes to a lot
Thank You sooo much for making such a difficult topic so easy to understand ❤
Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Wow- first minute - gave me a lot of hope and real love. 💗 confusing and chaotic yes- and warm and loving. Dysregulated and yep.
This is so timely, Anna. I am so grateful for this. I have CPTSD and have gotten involved with someone who also has big issues from childhood trauma and a high ACE score. (At least he’s not a narcissist 😂)
I am showing this to someone very special to me, and I hope it will help her feel less guilty about not being able to fix me. Your videos have been sooooooooo helpful! I can now regain my agency and self respect by taking my healing into my own hands, and not imposing it on others. I am going through the best time of my life literally right now. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
UA-cam was kind enough to show me this video today out of the blue and I'm grateful for that! You really helped calm me down and see that I am on the right path to help my wife! Thank you
Wow, I'm so glad you found the video! -Calista@TeamFairy
My mom has CPTSD. I love her and she be great. The issue I have as her adult daughter (I have 3 minor sisters who she's wonderful with) is that the support only goes one way. I have trauma too. It's way less, I don't even meet the criteria for PTSD, but there's no room for my trauma in our relationship if it looks different than hers. While she believes in working on her issues, she also makes sure to let us know if something triggers her and asks us not to do those things. I think that's perfectly reasonable, but if I try to do the same, she tells me that it's my issue to fix and refuses to make any accommodation for it or even validate my feelings. It leaves me constantly holding back in our relationship and I don't know what I can do about it. She's not part of my emotional support system and this point because she's not capable of it, but she's deeply hurt by that and can't understand why I won't open up.
When I was engaged,I dragged my fiancé (with ptsd) to a recommended counselor for some pre-marital advice only to have the counselor say he had nothing to offer us until we came with real problems. I was so frustrated! My fiancé already demonstrated disregulation and I knew if I married him it was going to be hard. I did marry him and it was terribly difficult. I'm frustrated that that counselor couldn't offer some of the basic advice that you offer in this video. 10 years later we are still married. But it's been really hard. I really appreciated this video because it validates that there was advice I should have received to help me from the beginning! Everything you share I now know because I learned it the hard way from trial and error. Also I appreciated you thanking me for hanging in there and loving my spouse. My spouse has thanked me but it felt nice that you said it too. I've built a lot of resilience but it has come at a cost to my own emotional wellbeing a lot of the time. Thank you.
A very resonant reply for me- just need to change the 10 years married to 40…
Just started with a very lovely woman from my childhood. It's definitely something I had no idea/not much idea about, so I thank you for these videos it has already helped me understand so much more than I did before. I hope to help Her through the rest of her life ❤
This video can help a lot of people avoid a lot of difficult situations
This was an excellent video. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Thank you so much for this video. This explained a lot of what I have been experiencing and how I can better support my partner with her cptsd.
Glad it was helpful!
Nika@TeamFairy
This was encouraging to face the fears of helping my partner be better 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
Sometimes he's angry with me, but most of the time he's just angry with everything. Dropping a spoon or getting his feet coiled up in the shop vac will create a string of cussing, swearing, throwing things. Living with this for so long, it always feels like the anger is my fault, even if it's not directed at me. It's like being around second-hand smoke. I don't know if this sounds strange, but he also has a passive/aggressive quality while in the dysregulation.
It’s very true! I experience this too.
@@randapalfy9480 I am sorry to hear this! This behavior has been changing since we have both accepted Christ! Jesus is Real, and He through the power of The Holy Spirit will heal. Praise The Living God!
Thanks for great full work God bless you
I love your wisdom so much. Thank you 💞
Very much so appreciate this definitely need to watch this. Thank u .
Thank you, I just learned that my lover was going through this and the video you made has improved my thoughts about their actions and emotions :)
I do everything just make him happy , fell better. I love him so much
Excellent and spot on information! Thank you Anna for helping so many people.
Thank you for your kind words! -Calista@TeamFairy
Thanks for putting this out. God knows I could have used a family that understood these things but what would help me more is information about what you do when find your loved one have been using it against you intentional for many years through narcissism! I had distanced myself only to discover it was being used against me so its been hard to balance out since there such a sense of betrayal.
Dr. Ramini. ☮️💖👍
I'm sorry for my partner a TBI and this combined destroyed any chance. She has as well this PTSD from a narcissist mother and I love her before the concussions I was in control completely and now I just can't save us both and neither can she. I miss her she's my best friend she's the person I love more than anything
Wow, thank you so much for this video❤
This is helpful thank you. I have CTPSD. It’s been hard on our marriage. I felt sad after an EMDR session and my husband said I should go to a rehab center or away while I’m processing trauma. This was really disregulating and heartbreaking.
We harm the once close to us the most. If you have diagnosed c-ptsd and medication for it someone should have told you the best method to help is individual therapy and if that does not work good enough it's indeed best to go into daythreatment or rehab so all responsibility and pressure is off you. Maby your husband senses you need that? You need to realise only you can find the triggers and how to calm yourself nobody can do that for you. How old are you? Do you follow any therapy? I have c-ptsd aswell, i was raised as a warrior beaten and locked up on daily basis, the rest of the time i got neglected, i got more beatings then food quite literally. I am very paranoid and with every emotion i don't like i get very angry but i manage to regulate most of it and it stays inside it was not always that way i've been locked up for aggression, i sometimes don't speak for days to avoid conflict, what i know for sure is that my wife and my children need to be protected from what i went through.
damn
mom says this to me daily
I love the mother of my children so much. I've asked her to try and help me understand CPTSD but she offered me nothing. She told me to just be calm speaking and when I was it didn't change a thing. I could never disagree with her without being told I'm "gaslighting" her. I always told her I heard her and accepted her feelings and opinions, but I was told by her that I never validated her. I did exactly as she asked, and somehow, I was still wrong. We are no longer together and not even on speaking terms. It's heartbreaking, to say the least.
It is not always easy to be partnered with someone with CPTSD, that's for sure. Feel free to contact us at hello@crappychildhoodfairy.com and our team will provide you with some helpful materials.
Nika@TeamFairy
14:10 yes, consent and timing can be everything
15:02 I love this, inviting them to do DP with me
16:23 I’ve missed SOOO many opportunities due to disregulated fights and disassociation
Thank you Anna and the CCF Team ❤️
Thank you for your videos. I really need this.
We're all rooting for you :) -Calista@TeamFairy
My partner and I both suffer from CPTSD. We love each other. I don’t think we want to be without each other. I’m in your course. He is not. He also has addiction issues. I hope with me getting to the next level of healing that he with see how helpful and her help as well. I encourage but I’m still learning how to do this and keep myself regulated
One of the best questions someone asked me is, "Okay, what do you need from me? How can I help?" That one question helped me to realize I was being heard but was not being clear. Plus, just knowing someone was listening really helped.[]
Watching this to understand how to love myself, is this the right video??
Excited for this one 🙏🙏💗💗 thank you .
Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy
🧠 TBI Fairy too. I had a wonderful childhood but suffer a lot of the same symptoms from a Traumatic Brain Injury. 🙏🏻Thanks❤
What symptoms do you suffer??
I wish I could learn this as a child as my parents suffering from PTSD keeps on projecting it’s me that should fix them. Ppl with CPTSD should be educated to not blame others 😢
Everyone who reads this is truly loved ❤
I’m really grateful for your channel and particularly this video. I wish could have been exposed to your content sooner as I’ve filed for divorce a while ago against my now ex wife who has CPTSD.
As an empath with a low sense of self worth and lack of self love who deals with people pleasing and codependency, I couldn’t deal with my ex wife’s symptoms of dysregulation. It hurt too much for me, so much so that I would yell in response. Later on, I got diagnosed with major depressive disorder and I would experience suicidal ideation often. I wanted to help, but I believe my above mentioned traits of myself made it impossible for me to deal with it because I wasn’t secure enough in myself to objectively see and understand what was going on.
Now that my ex and I have had our space, physical and emotionally, and I’m recovering, healing, and growing from my negative traits of lack of self worth, lack of self love, people pleasing, and codependency, to establishing self love an acceptance of who I am and am recovering from people pleasing and the toxic empathy.
I’m actually really considering going back to support her healing and establish a new better environment for our children than we previously had since I feel more secure in doing so.
However, I speculate that she might not even want me back at all since I already abandoned the relationship. Also, healing is possible on her own, and she doesn’t need me in this regard. But I felt like the recent discovery for me of what really was going on, instead of our historic mislabeling both of us with either borderline personality disorder or covert narcissism or other kinds of gaslighting from both sides, really me inspired to go back, apologize for abandoning the relationship, share with her that I finally really do understand, at least intellectually and emphatically, what she’s going through and what I was going through, and be a genuine support through her healing even if it means experiencing all the things you mentioned in this video again, plus now the added layer of mistrust since I left.
I wonder if it’s worth the risk.
Currently, I can’t shake off the feeling that it is worth it.
This sounds really similar to me and my ex! I agree with you, I wish I could've found this channel sooner. I wouldn't say I'm an empath myself, but I took on a lot of responsibilities for my ex and it overwhelmed me. I people please, have low self-worth, and I have depression. I felt like his happiness was my responsibility and I think that was a really big lie to myself. Not a good base to form a relationship on. I tried to help, but I myself wasn't happy and ignored my own needs. I've got resentment 'towards' him and it sucks. He seems to think he has BPD, and he thinks I have it too. I honestly think we both just have C-PTSD. Now I'm taking time away from him after a messy break-up. Not bad, but messy. I can honestly say that I do want to help him and I don't feel pressured to. I just don't want to date him again.
Are you doing better now yourself? I'm asking as I've only just started recognizing some of these traits and behaviors in myself and am curious to know if, with work, improvement is possible.
@@bumblebunny I am doing better. I’ve leaned to self regulate via journaling (like my own modified version of the Daily Practice) and learned about attachment theory and attachment wounds that I had to heal from. Once I was able to confront certain profound attachment wounds that my inner child had, I realized how I was projecting my insecurities that stemmed from that onto all my relationships my whole life. It’s a realization that I’m ashamed of and regret, but it is part of my healing and emotional and psychological growth and maturity.
I didn’t end up getting back with my ex wife. She introduced me to her new partner who she plans on marrying soon.
I’m talking with someone but taking my time, trying to be more secure in my attachment this go around.
So, yeah. My ex and I are moving on, cordially coparenting our children. I’ve learned a lot and am still on a journey of healing and growth. I can only hope she’s doing the same.
I appreciate your reply.
Wow. Bless you. You are a very good human. You are worthy of love.
I’m so grateful for you and your work it’s helping me so much
Me and my partner have identical trauma and it’s really difficult trying to manage our relationship with the added stress of the situation but we’re 17 years into our marriage and we are going strong hoping that we can keep finding a way
Glad you are here! Good luck to you both on your healing journey!
Nika@TeamFairy
Holy cow. Min 5-9, is definitely relatable.
Thank you for this video
You are most welcome! -Calista@TeamFairy
I see that you are actually a Healing Angel disguised as a crappy childhood fairy. Lol. Seriously.. immense gratitude to you for this work. I've been needing this information and guidance as I do have most of the symptoms of CPTSD. Thank you so much!
You are so welcome! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy
I needed this video a few weeks ago… before the breakup.
These are great tips, Anna. I was wondering if you could maybe do a video for adult children of parents who have CPTSD? I know by the time we reach adulthood we most likely have it, too. I do, but I was wondering if maybe you had any tips?
☝🏼
Thank you for helping me. My mom had a stroke, and it feels like her disregulation has become unbearable for her. I am trying to support my mom and my own CPTSD
has become extreme. I haven’t felt this way since I was a teenager. I get triggered too often. I’m doing my best to stay grounded so that I can be a support to my mom. I’m open to any suggestions if someone else has been in this type of situation with a stroke victim. Or any input at all is welcome. Right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. 🙏❤️
We're all sending you support :) -Calista@TeamFairy
Thank you 🙏❤️
Why is this message so much more positive than the video 'when abused people can't love you back'?
Thank You So Much For Information Mam😊
Thank you for watching! Glad you are here!
Nika@TeamFairy
You've given a very good description of numerous aspects of dating/ marrying a partner with CPTSD, which I recognized on day one with my current partner when we met, his lack of emotion or desire to mentally connect with another Human Being.. my Empathy cared about him because he trusted me and did everything I've said we need to do to become financially healthy. Financial health is a high focus in life, although Emotional Bankruptcy in a relationship feels sad and empty. Knowing his mental deficiency due to his childhood CPTSD situation does help me want to help him become emotionally equal to me so we can Live a Very Happy Gratitude Life.
Thank you very much for this helpful info. I Love Psychology.
Adhd meds don’t fix the trauma reactions. Adhd strategies for coping with lateness and organization help
I love this video. It makes me wonder though what the differences are between CPTSD and borderline personality disorder which is treatable too.
I bet a million things are diagnosed where PTSD is actually the issue.
Yes please if you could help us understand this concern of bpd and Cptsd. In a not quite up to par executive functioning type of way. Your very good at that.
I diagnosed myself 4 years ago (and haven’t missed a day of studies with some branch)with bpd and it’s been confirmed by numerous doctors now and I have found a great teletherapy program called DBT of Lawrence, Kansas.
Just this morning I very uncomfortably had the opportunity though conversation with my 90th attempt at a relationship with my boyfriend to discover this….
Thank god he’s gotten more of a grip on his patience and own self over the last 35 years of trauma we were “blissful “ too and also all the new “memories” traumas we were adding to our lives.
Anyways, today was a breakthrough. A big breakthrough Involving anything in regards to intimacy. Wow. I’m mind blown and still a little on and off with the tears streaming during my thoughts coming and going. It hurts to know you are a hurt people hurting people. But I’m glad I’ve been working on self empathy for my inner child as I truly do believe that is the beginning.
My husband has CPTSD and is currently diss regulated my type of personality is that let me help you fix this problem kind of personality and I have come to know that my husband doesn’t want me to help him. He just wants me to support him but I didn’t know how to so here I am looking at this video trying to learn how to support him properly. I know that he needs time to figure things out on his own, but he hasn’t started his healing journey yet, but I’m grateful for this video because I’ve been trying to stand up for myself throughout his dysregulation, and it’s been causing a lot of fights between us.
Your husband should think about individual therapy and after a while have a session with you present if he allows it, you are not going to be able to help or support he has to do that himself with someone who is going to ask him nasty questions that you can't ask without fights. Also gives him the chance to talk about the fights he has with you private and learn from the psychologist what is a good way to react in those situations. I have c-ptsd, and one of the first things to learn is putting things next to you that you can't change and solve the problems you can solve, my biggest issue is extreme anger that i can't let out and nobody can help it's just a fact only the medication specifically for my symptoms flatten the worst and the rest i regulate myself in various ways, i read psychology books, i have a "century bob" boxing stand that get's his ass kicked all the time, i draw a lot because it put's my mind on another mode and breaks some of my worst moments even if i am at work. If he ever talks about going to a psychologist be very supportive of that.
One of the biggest reasons why many people don't choose to be there for those with CPTSD is due to ignorance by definition. There is so much to know, and the "average" person doesn't care enough to know. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying they don't care, but it's not common for the average person to get involved in the psych space. Even then, a lot of people are also blinded by moralism, so even if they know you're troubled, it's nearly a 50-50% chance that they don't find the ends justify the means.
Encouraging growth and forgiveness is key. Granted, there are SO MANY of those out there who do choose to love and respect, and understand - kudos to them and those of you, or your loved ones, who do. My Fiance and I both developed this understanding and continue to try and learn more.
For context, I am ADHD, PTSD, and CPTSD. I thought I was borderline or bipolar and it took a really long time and years of therapy to boil it down.
My fiancé recently got diagnosed with PTSD
and i want to learn as much as possible, i feel it’s important to know that..
especially when it’s the one you’ll live with forever
Glad you are open to learn more! I encourage you to watch Anna's videos from the following list:
• Don't Let Your Partner Blame You for Their CPTSD TRIGGERS
ua-cam.com/video/R-LA4bIkOhQ/v-deo.html
• Is Your Partner Affected by Childhood Trauma? Here's What to Do.
ua-cam.com/video/050kuj4Aiho/v-deo.html
• Partner with CPTSD? These Tips Can Help Have a Great Relationship
ua-cam.com/video/dIWVRnB9O4c/v-deo.html
• If Your PARTNER Has CPTSD, You'll Want to WATCH THIS
ua-cam.com/video/mt3hJf9sD4U/v-deo.html
• Couples That Trigger Each Other's CPTSD Reactions: One-on-One Coaching with Anna
ua-cam.com/video/-x8W4Wx0CUs/v-deo.html
• Fighting Doesn't Always Spell the End for Couples with CPTSD
ua-cam.com/video/9AR0ICl6L2Y/v-deo.html
• CPTSD: How to Stay Regulated in a Relationship
ua-cam.com/video/_2A8e9YdJzo/v-deo.html
And if your fiancé is interested in taking any of Anna's courses, they are all listed in the description section under the video (click "...more" to open the section). We're here to support you both!
Nika@TeamFairy
@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Ok thank you 😇
My Wife has CPTSD and BPD and I love her with all my heart but it is a wild rider with ups and downs I studied for 4years to just try and understand why she is the way she is and I find out she had cptsd and bpd. I have ASD High Functioning and it makes it way crazy hard to understand we’re she was coming from but I fight through all the hard times and tried crazy hard to learn what was going on in her head note I am Nero divergent and think different then A Neuro typical person. So you could only try to understand how hard it is for me to think and talk about feelings in the same way as a person with CPTSD AND BPD. I LOVED HER MORE THEN ANYTHING AND STILL DO. Is it easy in anyway NO it is not but I will say this as a high functioning person With ASD she could never push me away far enough for me to ever leave her. She is my heart and I am trying to learn a way to cure CPTSD AND BPD not for me but for her. I hate seeing her pain and her pain after her spits and how she feels after.
What causes love? Because I can't imagine staying through anything. I can't understand what can make someone feel love when bad behaviour is there. Please explain what makes a person love another person and want to stay?
Make sure you have a line that your wife cannot cross. Self respect is sexy. Abuse can lead to more abuse. This combination of CPTSD & BPD with ASD is dangerous. Do your best to listen and understand. Imagine yourself in her shoes. But remember, you cannot heal her, even if you know how. Personally, learning how only made it harder for me to be around her. Only your wife can heal herself. All you can do is be supportive. But take care of yourself too, especially if she emotionally isolates and pushes you away.
Growing up i could see that my father was a raging mystery. We could never understand why he's like that, but we always knew that he had a bad childhood. Recently i started thinking that he can be a narcissist. But I found your videos and now i understand that he most likely has cptsd. But i won't even suggest that to him, he'll just take it as a criticism and get sulky, then ragy again. I'm still very hurt by his behavior and stay no contact. My older brother has symptoms of cptsd himself probably as a result of growing up with a parent like that. My dad made sure my brother isn't happy in his adult life, for that i cannot forgive him. My father MUST HAVE known deep down that HE needs to work on himself. I watch these videos in support of my poor brother, not to excuse my dad.
Sounds like a lot of mind reading going on there.
When I get dysregulated it often becomes drunk talk because I want to drink, and often do.
Have you done a video when both people on the marriage have CPTSD? My husband and I have come a loooong way but more advice never hurts ☺️☺️☺️ (he goes to therapy but likes to keep the sessions to himself).
2:54 endocrine system, not just emotions!! I’ve seen this in my partner
I think some of what is being described has more to do with a person's character than it does CPTSD symptoms.
What I find difficult is a connection where both parties have cptsd and only one has the awareness of it. Understanding them feels like enabling when they hurt blindly with no self awareness. Had to walk away.
Ugh, me too! After 10 years I just couldn’t do it anymore. He’s so smart too 😞