I’ve finally realised very late in life that I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was co dependant on her, so learned at an early age to NOT exist I became the compliant child always trying to please everyone so that I would be accepted as a GOOD girl so my needs were never met or acknowledged so what you say about re wiring certainly resonates with me, so this is what I need to learn how to do, so I have to learn how to contradict everything that my parents led me to believe that I was useless and never accepted me as an adult, they are long gone now but I don’t seem to be able to move on.I feel like I am frozen in time by my inner child who feels abandoned and doesn’t belong anywhere as an adult, so a lot of what you sat registers with me but my inner child’s beliefs are so convincing that I find myself constantly anxious and scared and incapable because I can’t believe in the adult me,
Wendy, so sorry to hear all this. Often, because we are harmed in relationship, we heal in relationship. A trained, healing professional can often really help. Wishing you healing and health
@@BarbaraHeffernan hi Barbara thank you so much for your response. Living in the uk there doesn’t seem to be any therapist that can deal with the inner child ptsd. My present one. Seems to be set on making me admit I’m accountable for myself which I understand to a degree but I didn’t have a role model to learn from how to be an encouraging and reassuring parent. I was always made to feel everything was my responsibility regarding my mother’s health and happiness etc so my therapist makes me feel like my mother did that it’s my fault and I’m not allowed to make mistakes anymore. I need someone to show or help me learn how to believe in myself and not reinforce everything that my parents instilled in me at 3 yrs old ban you imagine how overwhelming and terrifying that must have felt and these emotions come up now as overwhelming panic attacks, I don’t know who I am or what I need , having been denied my needs of validation and unconditional love as a child I just don’t know how to deal with this, as I say I’ve seen several therapist and don’t seem able to move on and feel frozen in time, is there any books or CDC’s you could recommend that might be available on the internet, as a pensioner I’m finding it expensive and rather difficult to pay out for therapy, our nhs system has the attitude one size fits all, but I’m trying to spend what few years I have left free from consumed fear and terror, thank you again for your response, I’m trying to follow you as best I can, unfortunately I’m not too hot on internet technology etc , definitely not a silver surfer lol best wishes and stay safe
@@wendylock5507 Aww, Wendy, I am so sorryvyou have had such a traumatic childhood with the repercussions lasting so long into adulthood. I also am a pensioner living in the UK so understand your situation completely. We are fortunate to be able to access such help and kindness as Barbara provides. I do hope you can heal and be able to live and move forward in peace .
I was recently thinking about the chaos I grew up in, and thought about how the best move would have been to emancipate myself. To disengage from the crazy and make myself my primary concern. Then it occurred to me that it isn't too late to start. That's what led me to this video.
I thanked myself for doing all I could to protect myself in an unsafe environment. And I instantly felt the release of that tension that I held inside of me all these years in my exhale. Thank you
Not sure how to describe this. I'm a fairly old man. Who grew up in a very different world to the one we see today. Mental health and self care really wasn't a thing. How do I put this. I grew up in a family where there was little or no signs of love. Although I know my parents did love me in their own way. And any signs of emotion as a child weren't allowed. So as a small child don't get overexcited, don't get upset, don't cry. All the things children should be doing. My mum could be volatile, and looking back I am sure she was going through her own issues. This would have been at a time where there was no help or support. As a child I couldn't see this. And took it on as my fault and the cause for her being so very fragile. I've noticed recently that I still do this in adult life. I have found myself reacting to certain things and felt just like that small boy I was as a child who only really wanted a hug off his mum. If you've read this far I'm sorry. Not sure it makes any sense.
Thank you about speaking on these issues with such compassion. Compassion is something that is completely new to me, a child of a covert narcissist mother. Up until recently, I thought the world was out to get me, judge me, brand me 'bad' and discard me. It is only recently that I stopped buying into the her narcissistic fantasy that kept me brain-washed and scared my whole life. Finding people like you and other psychologists on UA-cam who are helping people like me free of charge, out of the kindness of their beautiful hearts has been a mind-blowing experience for me. In a way, I feel reparented by the UA-cam community of enthusiast psychologists and I will forever be grateful to you all. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
Hi @on_my_own_two_feet: Ditto. My mother has malignant narcissism and it's taken over 40 years for me to begin to reparent myself properly. I do hope you're doing well.
Barbara, thank you so much for this. Currently, I'm seeing a Schema therapist and am learning how to reparent myself - your videos are welcome supplements to my therapy work. One thing: I don't blame my mother anymore (she has malignant narcissism), but I still tend to blame myself for the cruelty and harm she perpetually inflicted on me. Both you and my therapist have explained perfectly why I do this. It takes a certain person to be genuinely compassionate, kind and authentic, especially online... Thanks again, from a northern England gal. ❤🩹💕🙏
So nice to hear that inner negative voice is me trying to protect myself against scapegoating. Used to think of it as my abusive parent's voice but this feels much more true.
10:06 I probably did a lot of this self-talk as an only child when very young. That got the scrutiny of my self-centered, needy mother, who eventually took me to a few pediatricians, and even a child psychologist, who after observing my demeanor away from her presence ALWAYS concluded there was nothing wrong with me. So she gave up and attributed my quirks as fate pre-ordained for her, as she perceived it, to have a difficult child. And to this day, she really has no self-awareness how much of her dissatisfaction in life is of her own making and self-sabotage, always shifting the blame onto others. Took me six decades to free myself of that ball and chain of always second-guessing myself when making crucial personal decisions.
That critical inner voice point was so good. It's really helped me understand why it's there. Thank you! I will be able to approach it with so much more compassion, as opposed to the irritation of it existing.
12:43 If you're like me, and an entire system said I was bad and deserved maltreatment, this difficulty is magnified by the social pressure of those who devalue you by decree and enforce it by mob.
You explanations are very clear and the graphics help too. I was very pleased to hear you include All ages as I do believe that Seniors can change if they are strongly motivated. Your voice is pleasing and you are quite animated and cheerful. I am learning a lot from you. Thank you.
I'm so glad I found you. I had been feeling frustrated due to living with my family I'm having a really hard time and when I opened to my family they kinda blamed me for it. But going through these resources i understand what's happening. I found I'm emotionally enmeshed and also parentified but only i can help me as an adult in my twenties. My family of origin can't. Thank you so much 💜❤️
You are so welcome! And yes, empowering yourself that you don't need them to change to feel better is awesome! Sorry you have to go through this, but sounds like you are on your way :)
All of these affect me but I think the main ones are negative self talk and reasonable self discipline Nothing I did was good enough growing up, passed all of my exams, booked my own appointments and did my own washing from a young age but it wasn't enough for my parent. So I've always followed through that I haven't done enough. Unfortunately and ultimately it lead to burn out. I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING but have no energy to do ANYTHING, which then leads to guilt, doing a whole stint of doing everything and then burning out again. I've never been taught balance, self-care and resting always seemed selfish or like I wasn't self-discpining enough. I have gone through all of this with a therapist but it's taking a lot of work for sure
Yep! My inner child needed my love the most, and without programmed self judgement. Shadow work allowing me to observe, how and why I disconnected from my inner baby in the first place. That's exactly how I perceive therapy too. A fact finding mission, and not a fault finding mission. Plus our major advisors instructed for psych majors, to get into therapy before graduation. What a journey, to learn to stop absorbing other people's hate towards me as I reparent myself. I am still working on some self talk habits, but I understand the importance of it. Don't verbally abuse my inner baby. I had to cut off so many people, who were targeting and attacking my inner baby and my higher self. I definitely validate my own emotions. I talk to myself like my own best friend when I feel some type of way. Denying my own emotions, is like break checking my emotional vehicle and wasting my own gas (motivation) 💙🦁🐺💓 DBT is absolutely amazing. I do my self talk in the mirror, in the mornings. My mother would never let me bad mouth myself when I was a child, and she would build me up often saying " No one is allowed to hurt you. Not even you" I'm grateful she did. When it came to my "impostor syndrome " she always reminded me, to not be afraid to dream big. I'm teaching my inner child to not be ashamed of coming from loving parents, who aren't perfect but try to be healthy for her. Let these people hate. That's, their problem. Don't make other people's hate you main dish. And self discipline, has allowed me to accomplish goals in the right timing
I realized I didn’t get to the actual point of my question in my last comment, so in regards to rewiring for positive self talk. I need the actual physical distance away from my family so I don’t keep constant contact with them, so that I am not influenced with their noise and energy. I absorb things that people say easily, I can’t just brush things off as easily, so I prefer to not even be in hearing range. So I want to cut off contact with my family so that I can focus on my OWN voice instead of taking 1 step forward with my voice and then 10 steps back when they get into my head
My inner child doesn't want to work, and I have no support, so I can't afford the help she wants because she won't let me work. i have no idea what to do. I know how to work but it's like I'm stopped from doing so. If I bulldoze her and work anyways I ruin our relationship and burn out and end up not working for weeks or months effectively keeping me in poverty. If I just don't work I don't make money and so I'm stressed because I can't pay my bills on time or afford food. She wants to play but I feel like I can't do that because I need to work. I hate this. I have no idea how to meet her needs. I can't take care of a child and be a child at the same time. A dead child can't play. If I don't work I die. And yet I can't work because I can't play. What kind of awful crap is this I feel so trapped. I don't know how to let go and let her play or give her what she needs. I have no idea. And if I do it never seems like enough. One day all she wanted to do was read a book. So I did that and got no work done. The next day, I was super productive more than I've been in forever. And the day after that now I'm in an anxiety spiral getting nothing done trying to make this terrorist that is my inner child go away so I can work. I see that I have a dismissive relationship with my inner child. That makes me sick. It's the same relationship my dad had with me. My mom was also too anxious about her own crap to meet my needs. ... I actually think I figured something out. I need to play. Evey day. If I need to stop and chill and not work, I need to do that. I almost always know when it's time to stop and play again. Today I wanted to sleep in, but I bulldozed that urge when I should have let myself sleep in. I'm going to go outside and lay in the sun. I'm going to make myself tomato soup. I'm going to watch movies. I'm going to read. I'm going to draw. I'm going to deal with worries as they come up in a loving & conscious way without denial or invalidation. I'm going to admit that I feel unsafe. I'm going to promise my inner child that I will take care of her & that she gets to play even though I am feeling unsafe. I can do both. I can play and I can work. Today I am going to prioritize play.
I am so sorry you are struggling so much and so hard. At the end of your message you sounded as though you're in a better place to accept and nurture both your inner child and your self, and I hope you are still able to do that and are healing
I'm very proud of you I understand because I feel like this alot self acceptance is key not to be cruel to your inner child but to also be able to say no and yes like a good parent. I see you ❤
At a very young age, as we kids were subjected to our mother's relentless abuse, I started praying that God would place good people in my path. Almost constantly those prayers were answered, but very often I brought problems into those relationships. It was during college that I started appreciating how my prayers were being answered, that I needed to take responsibility for myself. All those wonderful friends, their parents and families stood in the gap, and they provoked epiphanies through good and hard lessons. Over the years I've contacted some of those old friends and thanked them for their time, their efforts. Some of them are surprised/unwary, while others are happy to know they helped make a difference -- they knew what was going on and knew the roots of the issues. They all helped me understand that I was good enough to marry, good enough to have kids. Our children are grown now, and I'm brought to tears when they say, "You've always been a wonderful Dad! I wish all children could have a dad like you!"
I love that you explain which modalities work best, often, with certain needs. I was in a trial at a university that administered DBT online, perhaps it was due to my own framework, but it has been the only time I have been disengaged in therapy.
I see a lot of content related to “self-parenting” and this is the first video where I felt that everything was relatable and pertinent to what it means to “self-parent”. I especially lack in the self-discipline and self-talk category since I didn’t develop it growing up. Thank you!!
This is great. I’ve been looking for a concise list of what reparenting actually means rather than the vague concepts I have been given. Your explanation of negative self talk has been the most enlightened explanation I have found because it makes sense to me. I always wondered what the inner critic meant and now I know! Thank you! Excellent work, counselor 🙌🏻
Thank you so much for letting me know! I am so pleased this was helpful for you. I do try to put things in a way that people can work with them, so it is very nice to receive your feedback :)
This makes so much sense, I love the way you explained it. My struggle is that I have a severe disassociation with my inner child and I have no desirer to reparent her and I don't understand why I feel this way and I find myself resistant to face this even in therapy. Feeling pretty lost because of this, I need to know how do I change that resistance.
Talking about the resistance with a therapist can often be very helpful. Taking it slow. Sometimes we reject parts of ourselves to get through childhood, and it is hard to re-embrace those parts. Wishing you health and healing.
Hi that’s exactly how I feel.I don’t want to connect to my inner child I feel scared that I won’t be able to cope with the responsibility or pressure of sorting out her needs or emotional wants, but at the same time I feel frozen at that small inner child stage who can’t cope with being an adult, and like you I just feel lost, I hope you can get the help you need, I’m still trying, good luck 💕
Hi. I suffered from asthma as a child. I had to be in bed almost the whole day, numb with medication and soo on... I went to school maybe only 6 month of the whole school year... Well, now... I am always in bed, ok, doing this psychological work, orelse, and ok... Now somedays are really cold and rainy to do something outside, yet... Now I realize and validate this way to be... Just right right now, this instant... I don t need to be that way anymore, as I am totally healthy now... Also socializing without enmeshing, I still have work to do... And maybe even finding ways to socialize in a healthy way... Maybe a gym and carefully take it from there. Self work is not always easy or clear. One of my other coaches mentioned how many times, if we haven t done desensibilization work, or boundary work, how we can retraumatize again and again watching videos and thinking again and again of past traumas, without the appropiate mental organization and limits work. Luckily I am getting better at all these, yet... I really learned the hardest way😵🥴... Reparenting myself, understanding my past, and developing self love, as opposed to codependency orelse is a huge step that takes time and patience... So, I hope I am being a good mom... I love to be a mom... Also noticing some rigid corners in my personality that, as you mention helped me in the past, yet now obviously don t fit anymore... And finding the balance to combine it all... Coreographically... 😁🌷👯♀️🤸♀️... The human mind does need therapy and boundaries... I never really thought of it at all... Yet often ended up very exhausted for my 'spontanity', or always-ready-to-help others learned attitude. My granny taught me compassion, and I thought it was a great gift, yet as everything else in life, you need balance... I love you... God bless you... Thanks 🤗🙋♀️🌷🌷
Thank you once again, Barbara, for a very helpful and informative video, which gives me hope that change is possible. So many things to think about...wow! It does make absolute sense of so much!
I have a question about the re-wiring for positive self talk. So after acknowledging that the negative self talk was a way to protect myself In order to survive a chaotic and negative household, now that I’m 26 years old, I am about to get my own place to live, is it okay to stay away from my family, because they haven’t changed their ways, and I’ve been doing emotional work on myself since 2018 - but every time I come back to engage and try to connect with my family, it’s the same negative patterns, im learning to set boundaries, but I feel guilty for not being available for my family, but I actually really resent them so I want to put me first, but I struggle with the concept of family and how you’re “supposed” to be close. It feels odd to go against that expectation, but in my heart, I really don’t want to stay connected with them past anything basic. I feel bad admitting this but I only would accept financial help at this point, I feel that emotionally they drain me and I find no value, because I’ve learned so much from outside sources and have better coaches and friends than my family. So they offer help and want to smother me and be there for me, but my actual needs can’t be met, they don’t have the capacity to do that, so is it okay if I ask for money only?
@nataliacardenas4269 I am in no way a mental health professional, but I’d like to offer my two cents. That was incredibly insightful, aware, and brave of you to be able to acknowledge your family’s shortcomings, the impact it has caused on how you treat yourself, and ultimately your relationship with them. I know how hard it must be to not want to be around the people who’ve contributed to your pain yet still need them for basic survival. You mentioned that you’ve learned a lot from “outside sources,” friends, and coaches? That’s great that you have support. We all need support. You asked if it were acceptable to only reach out to your family for financial reasons. That choice is entirely up to you and only you can give yourself permission. However, as someone who is also dealing with resentment, I would strongly suggest working with a professional on healing yourself and your inner child. Resentment can really consume you if not dealt with. Just speaking from experience.
Slightly off topic for this video, but i love your channel and you have already helped me so much i thought i should ask you for some suggestions on something that i struggle with and that stops me from getting the help i really need. I have a really hard time communicating my needs verbally. In writing too, but mostly verbally. Recognizing and comnunicating my needs was never a priority growing up and now i really have a hard time with that as an adult. I tried just general therapy once and got so frustrated with the therapist that i had to stop because i didnt know where to begin and the therapist spent our time just staring at me waiting for me to begin and i just couldnt do anything but cry in desperation and frustration at my lack of ability to focus on or identify my issues or talking points.
Hi Katie: I can't really give individual advice via social media, but I will share from my experience - people who have a hard time verbalizing often have the "freeze" response in the fight-flight-freeze spectrum. If you are interested, I do have a live webinar in early Nov coming up: roadmaptojoy.life/rewiring-your-brain/. It can sometimes be connected to dissociative symptoms, and a well trained EMDR therapist would be able to work well with it.... I wish you health and healing.
I was young, I veey very successful and beautiful, but my life totally destroyed by narcissist mom childhood trauma, all of my life full of pure evils, I am already 44, my whole life destroyed, I feel suicidal and desperate everyday..
I had to do it the first time . This sucks . I already know what I think I need to know . I am just pissed that I have to be mom and dad a second time when they did not do anything the first time . I now know more of the environment that was Brother raped me as he baby set us girls. I can not prove it in any way anyone would care about but I have proven to myself that there is enough proved to trust my flashbacks and block outs and black outs. I needed them to be around at all . I ate and drank junk waiting for them to come home or to pick me up . I was a neglect keyless kid. I call myself stupid which I had the rule as I raised my kids that that word was not allowed. I came up with a uncle that almost could have been my dad that loved calling me stupid . It used to hurt then I got used to it and now I am fighting .0 to 10 . Let's see . I almost died at birth then was not born the boy mom planned on and was told I was going to be and to this day I wish I had been born as a male. 6 months old I almost died when both lungs crashed. They had to incubate me taking me away from mom and breast feeding. I never went back but was woops kept alive again for whatever reason . Was moved across states at 6 months after I healed because there was to much water in the air . Trauma and more trauma. Some time still in diapers I watched my rapist brother walking to school then he didn't come back for a long time because he was either in juvenile hall or jail at that age . He was 9 years older then me . Around six he tried to get me to come in and hang out with him in his trailer. I had no idea until a few years ago that trailer had been used by 4 different family members my oldest brother, my first rapist, me and dad after the divorce. That is sick . Mom was and part of a double arranged marriage pact . Mom was the oldest daughter at 13 when she was told to Marry dad then a few years later moms sister married dad's brother. They had been matched that is how I say I in could have been my uncles daughter. Ewwwww. When a person has no choice but to face the worst things possible well I have a hard time speaking about myself in the 1st term which is why you see me doing the 1st so much at this time it's me trying to fix habits. It's said that trauma is shared from mom to child it's in the DNA . I can so believe that. I hate it. I wish there was a peaceful world.
It's interesting you say that therapy is not about blaming parents, when therapy in the 80s was all about that. People still need to protect themselves from toxic people though.
I’ve finally realised very late in life that I had a narcissistic mother and a father who was co dependant on her, so learned at an early age to NOT exist I became the compliant child always trying to please everyone so that I would be accepted as a GOOD girl so my needs were never met or acknowledged so what you say about re wiring certainly resonates with me, so this is what I need to learn how to do, so I have to learn how to contradict everything that my parents led me to believe that I was useless and never accepted me as an adult, they are long gone now but I don’t seem to be able to move on.I feel like I am frozen in time by my inner child who feels abandoned and doesn’t belong anywhere as an adult, so a lot of what you sat registers with me but my inner child’s beliefs are so convincing that I find myself constantly anxious and scared and incapable because I can’t believe in the adult me,
Wendy, so sorry to hear all this. Often, because we are harmed in relationship, we heal in relationship. A trained, healing professional can often really help. Wishing you healing and health
@@BarbaraHeffernan hi Barbara thank you so much for your response. Living in the uk there doesn’t seem to be any therapist that can deal with the inner child ptsd. My present one. Seems to be set on making me admit I’m accountable for myself which I understand to a degree but I didn’t have a role model to learn from how to be an encouraging and reassuring parent. I was always made to feel everything was my responsibility regarding my mother’s health and happiness etc so my therapist makes me feel like my mother did that it’s my fault and I’m not allowed to make mistakes anymore. I need someone to show or help me learn how to believe in myself and not reinforce everything that my parents instilled in me at 3 yrs old ban you imagine how overwhelming and terrifying that must have felt and these emotions come up now as overwhelming panic attacks, I don’t know who I am or what I need , having been denied my needs of validation and unconditional love as a child I just don’t know how to deal with this, as I say I’ve seen several therapist and don’t seem able to move on and feel frozen in time, is there any books or CDC’s you could recommend that might be available on the internet, as a pensioner I’m finding it expensive and rather difficult to pay out for therapy, our nhs system has the attitude one size fits all, but I’m trying to spend what few years I have left free from consumed fear and terror, thank you again for your response, I’m trying to follow you as best I can, unfortunately I’m not too hot on internet technology etc , definitely not a silver surfer lol best wishes and stay safe
@@wendylock5507 Aww, Wendy, I am so sorryvyou have had such a traumatic childhood with the repercussions lasting so long into adulthood. I also am a pensioner living in the UK so understand your situation completely. We are fortunate to be able to access such help and kindness as Barbara provides.
I do hope you can heal and be able to live and move forward in peace .
I cried reading this because i can relate very well to this. Sending you love. It’s never too late to start
@@butomoto thank you,it’s surprising the untold damage so called loving parents can do bless you for your caring response 🙏💕
I was recently thinking about the chaos I grew up in, and thought about how the best move would have been to emancipate myself. To disengage from the crazy and make myself my primary concern. Then it occurred to me that it isn't too late to start.
That's what led me to this video.
I thanked myself for doing all I could to protect myself in an unsafe environment. And I instantly felt the release of that tension that I held inside of me all these years in my exhale. Thank you
❤❤❤
I learned that while I cannot change the path I took I can now release the paradigm I took with me
Not sure how to describe this. I'm a fairly old man. Who grew up in a very different world to the one we see today. Mental health and self care really wasn't a thing.
How do I put this. I grew up in a family where there was little or no signs of love. Although I know my parents did love me in their own way. And any signs of emotion as a child weren't allowed.
So as a small child don't get overexcited, don't get upset, don't cry. All the things children should be doing.
My mum could be volatile, and looking back I am sure she was going through her own issues. This would have been at a time where there was no help or support.
As a child I couldn't see this. And took it on as my fault and the cause for her being so very fragile.
I've noticed recently that I still do this in adult life. I have found myself reacting to certain things and felt just like that small boy I was as a child who only really wanted a hug off his mum.
If you've read this far I'm sorry. Not sure it makes any sense.
I am sending you love 💘
I’m 38 and finally realizing it. Lots of anger emotions. But I’m grateful for the wisdom
Thank you about speaking on these issues with such compassion. Compassion is something that is completely new to me, a child of a covert narcissist mother. Up until recently, I thought the world was out to get me, judge me, brand me 'bad' and discard me. It is only recently that I stopped buying into the her narcissistic fantasy that kept me brain-washed and scared my whole life. Finding people like you and other psychologists on UA-cam who are helping people like me free of charge, out of the kindness of their beautiful hearts has been a mind-blowing experience for me. In a way, I feel reparented by the UA-cam community of enthusiast psychologists and I will forever be grateful to you all. From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU.
Hi @on_my_own_two_feet: Ditto. My mother has malignant narcissism and it's taken over 40 years for me to begin to reparent myself properly. I do hope you're doing well.
Barbara, thank you so much for this. Currently, I'm seeing a Schema therapist and am learning how to reparent myself - your videos are welcome supplements to my therapy work.
One thing: I don't blame my mother anymore (she has malignant narcissism), but I still tend to blame myself for the cruelty and harm she perpetually inflicted on me. Both you and my therapist have explained perfectly why I do this.
It takes a certain person to be genuinely compassionate, kind and authentic, especially online...
Thanks again, from a northern England gal. ❤🩹💕🙏
So nice to hear that inner negative voice is me trying to protect myself against scapegoating. Used to think of it as my abusive parent's voice but this feels much more true.
10:06 I probably did a lot of this self-talk as an only child when very young. That got the scrutiny of my self-centered, needy mother, who eventually took me to a few pediatricians, and even a child psychologist, who after observing my demeanor away from her presence ALWAYS concluded there was nothing wrong with me. So she gave up and attributed my quirks as fate pre-ordained for her, as she perceived it, to have a difficult child.
And to this day, she really has no self-awareness how much of her dissatisfaction in life is of her own making and self-sabotage, always shifting the blame onto others.
Took me six decades to free myself of that ball and chain of always second-guessing myself when making crucial personal decisions.
That critical inner voice point was so good. It's really helped me understand why it's there. Thank you! I will be able to approach it with so much more compassion, as opposed to the irritation of it existing.
12:43 If you're like me, and an entire system said I was bad and deserved maltreatment, this difficulty is magnified by the social pressure of those who devalue you by decree and enforce it by mob.
Yes, you are correct. This too is my situation.
Empaths tend to be responsible to keeping the world together
You explanations are very clear and the graphics help too. I was very pleased to hear you include All ages as I do believe that Seniors can change if they are strongly motivated. Your voice is pleasing and you are quite animated and cheerful. I am learning a lot from you. Thank you.
Hi Beth: Thanks for your feedback! Much appreciated :). And yes, people can change at any age!
I'm so glad I found you. I had been feeling frustrated due to living with my family I'm having a really hard time and when I opened to my family they kinda blamed me for it. But going through these resources i understand what's happening. I found I'm emotionally enmeshed and also parentified but only i can help me as an adult in my twenties. My family of origin can't. Thank you so much 💜❤️
You are so welcome! And yes, empowering yourself that you don't need them to change to feel better is awesome! Sorry you have to go through this, but sounds like you are on your way :)
All of these affect me but I think the main ones are negative self talk and reasonable self discipline
Nothing I did was good enough growing up, passed all of my exams, booked my own appointments and did my own washing from a young age but it wasn't enough for my parent. So I've always followed through that I haven't done enough.
Unfortunately and ultimately it lead to burn out. I feel like I need to do EVERYTHING but have no energy to do ANYTHING, which then leads to guilt, doing a whole stint of doing everything and then burning out again. I've never been taught balance, self-care and resting always seemed selfish or like I wasn't self-discpining enough. I have gone through all of this with a therapist but it's taking a lot of work for sure
Dear Barbara, words cannot describe how incredible your videos are! Every single word hits home and feels true.
Yep! My inner child needed my love the most, and without programmed self judgement. Shadow work allowing me to observe, how and why I disconnected from my inner baby in the first place. That's exactly how I perceive therapy too. A fact finding mission, and not a fault finding mission. Plus our major advisors instructed for psych majors, to get into therapy before graduation. What a journey, to learn to stop absorbing other people's hate towards me as I reparent myself. I am still working on some self talk habits, but I understand the importance of it. Don't verbally abuse my inner baby. I had to cut off so many people, who were targeting and attacking my inner baby and my higher self. I definitely validate my own emotions. I talk to myself like my own best friend when I feel some type of way. Denying my own emotions, is like break checking my emotional vehicle and wasting my own gas (motivation) 💙🦁🐺💓 DBT is absolutely amazing. I do my self talk in the mirror, in the mornings. My mother would never let me bad mouth myself when I was a child, and she would build me up often saying " No one is allowed to hurt you. Not even you" I'm grateful she did. When it came to my "impostor syndrome " she always reminded me, to not be afraid to dream big. I'm teaching my inner child to not be ashamed of coming from loving parents, who aren't perfect but try to be healthy for her. Let these people hate. That's, their problem. Don't make other people's hate you main dish. And self discipline, has allowed me to accomplish goals in the right timing
I realized I didn’t get to the actual point of my question in my last comment, so in regards to rewiring for positive self talk. I need the actual physical distance away from my family so I don’t keep constant contact with them, so that I am not influenced with their noise and energy. I absorb things that people say easily, I can’t just brush things off as easily, so I prefer to not even be in hearing range. So I want to cut off contact with my family so that I can focus on my OWN voice instead of taking 1 step forward with my voice and then 10 steps back when they get into my head
My inner child doesn't want to work, and I have no support, so I can't afford the help she wants because she won't let me work. i have no idea what to do. I know how to work but it's like I'm stopped from doing so. If I bulldoze her and work anyways I ruin our relationship and burn out and end up not working for weeks or months effectively keeping me in poverty. If I just don't work I don't make money and so I'm stressed because I can't pay my bills on time or afford food.
She wants to play but I feel like I can't do that because I need to work. I hate this. I have no idea how to meet her needs. I can't take care of a child and be a child at the same time.
A dead child can't play. If I don't work I die. And yet I can't work because I can't play. What kind of awful crap is this I feel so trapped.
I don't know how to let go and let her play or give her what she needs. I have no idea. And if I do it never seems like enough. One day all she wanted to do was read a book. So I did that and got no work done. The next day, I was super productive more than I've been in forever. And the day after that now I'm in an anxiety spiral getting nothing done trying to make this terrorist that is my inner child go away so I can work.
I see that I have a dismissive relationship with my inner child. That makes me sick. It's the same relationship my dad had with me. My mom was also too anxious about her own crap to meet my needs.
... I actually think I figured something out. I need to play. Evey day. If I need to stop and chill and not work, I need to do that. I almost always know when it's time to stop and play again.
Today I wanted to sleep in, but I bulldozed that urge when I should have let myself sleep in.
I'm going to go outside and lay in the sun. I'm going to make myself tomato soup. I'm going to watch movies. I'm going to read. I'm going to draw. I'm going to deal with worries as they come up in a loving & conscious way without denial or invalidation. I'm going to admit that I feel unsafe. I'm going to promise my inner child that I will take care of her & that she gets to play even though I am feeling unsafe. I can do both. I can play and I can work. Today I am going to prioritize play.
I am so sorry you are struggling so much and so hard. At the end of your message you sounded as though you're in a better place to accept and nurture both your inner child and your self, and I hope you are still able to do that and are healing
I'm very proud of you I understand because I feel like this alot self acceptance is key not to be cruel to your inner child but to also be able to say no and yes like a good parent. I see you ❤
At a very young age, as we kids were subjected to our mother's relentless abuse, I started praying that God would place good people in my path. Almost constantly those prayers were answered, but very often I brought problems into those relationships. It was during college that I started appreciating how my prayers were being answered, that I needed to take responsibility for myself. All those wonderful friends, their parents and families stood in the gap, and they provoked epiphanies through good and hard lessons.
Over the years I've contacted some of those old friends and thanked them for their time, their efforts. Some of them are surprised/unwary, while others are happy to know they helped make a difference -- they knew what was going on and knew the roots of the issues. They all helped me understand that I was good enough to marry, good enough to have kids. Our children are grown now, and I'm brought to tears when they say, "You've always been a wonderful Dad! I wish all children could have a dad like you!"
Thank you so much. Now it makes sense why adults have negative talks, kids try to connect even though it is chaos
So glad this made sense to you.
i want to be there for myself, to show up and be the parent i needed. i want to feel that sense of safety but it feels like long road.
So wonderful you have the commitment. While it might be a long road, it sounds like you have a good inner parent to take you along it :)
@@BarbaraHeffernan awe, thank you for your kind words and your work. i appreciate it
I love that you explain which modalities work best, often, with certain needs. I was in a trial at a university that administered DBT online, perhaps it was due to my own framework, but it has been the only time I have been disengaged in therapy.
Dear Barbara, words cannot describe how incredible your videos are! Every single word hits home and feels true. You are a life saver 🙏
I see a lot of content related to “self-parenting” and this is the first video where I felt that everything was relatable and pertinent to what it means to “self-parent”.
I especially lack in the self-discipline and self-talk category since I didn’t develop it growing up.
Thank you!!
This is great. I’ve been looking for a concise list of what reparenting actually means rather than the vague concepts I have been given. Your explanation of negative self talk has been the most enlightened explanation I have found because it makes sense to me. I always wondered what the inner critic meant and now I know! Thank you! Excellent work, counselor 🙌🏻
Thank you so much for letting me know! I am so pleased this was helpful for you. I do try to put things in a way that people can work with them, so it is very nice to receive your feedback :)
This makes so much sense, I love the way you explained it. My struggle is that I have a severe disassociation with my inner child and I have no desirer to reparent her and I don't understand why I feel this way and I find myself resistant to face this even in therapy. Feeling pretty lost because of this, I need to know how do I change that resistance.
Talking about the resistance with a therapist can often be very helpful. Taking it slow. Sometimes we reject parts of ourselves to get through childhood, and it is hard to re-embrace those parts. Wishing you health and healing.
Hi that’s exactly how I feel.I don’t want to connect to my inner child I feel scared that I won’t be able to cope with the responsibility or pressure of sorting out her needs or emotional wants, but at the same time I feel frozen at that small inner child stage who can’t cope with being an adult, and like you I just feel lost, I hope you can get the help you need, I’m still trying, good luck 💕
10:23 exceptionally well-explained
Hi. I suffered from asthma as a child. I had to be in bed almost the whole day, numb with medication and soo on... I went to school maybe only 6 month of the whole school year... Well, now... I am always in bed, ok, doing this psychological work, orelse, and ok... Now somedays are really cold and rainy to do something outside, yet... Now I realize and validate this way to be... Just right right now, this instant... I don t need to be that way anymore, as I am totally healthy now...
Also socializing without enmeshing, I still have work to do... And maybe even finding ways to socialize in a healthy way... Maybe a gym and carefully take it from there.
Self work is not always easy or clear. One of my other coaches mentioned how many times, if we haven t done desensibilization work, or boundary work, how we can retraumatize again and again watching videos and thinking again and again of past traumas, without the appropiate mental organization and limits work. Luckily I am getting better at all these, yet... I really learned the hardest way😵🥴... Reparenting myself, understanding my past, and developing self love, as opposed to codependency orelse is a huge step that takes time and patience... So, I hope I am being a good mom... I love to be a mom...
Also noticing some rigid corners in my personality that, as you mention helped me in the past, yet now obviously don t fit anymore... And finding the balance to combine it all... Coreographically... 😁🌷👯♀️🤸♀️...
The human mind does need therapy and boundaries... I never really thought of it at all... Yet often ended up very exhausted for my 'spontanity', or always-ready-to-help others learned attitude. My granny taught me compassion, and I thought it was a great gift, yet as everything else in life, you need balance...
I love you... God bless you...
Thanks 🤗🙋♀️🌷🌷
Thanks for sharing your videos are helpful 😊
My pleasure! So glad you find them helpful!
Thank you for such a clear and hopeful video!
You are so welcome!
I’m so glad I found you. This content is really what I need. ❤️
Always great! Thank you!
Thank you too!
Thank you for professionally sharing your knowledge 🙏🏻
You are very welcome. I hope it is helpful!
Thank you once again, Barbara, for a very helpful and informative video, which gives me hope that change is possible. So many things to think about...wow! It does make absolute sense of so much!
Change IS possible! So glad it is helpful :)
Thank you for this.
Very useful thank you
Thank you!
You're welcome!
Thank you so much💜
You are so welcome!
Ughhh I wish I could just take out my brain and put it in a tank of jello or something! Thank you for this video
I have a question about the re-wiring for positive self talk. So after acknowledging that the negative self talk was a way to protect myself In order to survive a chaotic and negative household, now that I’m 26 years old, I am about to get my own place to live, is it okay to stay away from my family, because they haven’t changed their ways, and I’ve been doing emotional work on myself since 2018 - but every time I come back to engage and try to connect with my family, it’s the same negative patterns, im learning to set boundaries, but I feel guilty for not being available for my family, but I actually really resent them so I want to put me first, but I struggle with the concept of family and how you’re “supposed” to be close. It feels odd to go against that expectation, but in my heart, I really don’t want to stay connected with them past anything basic. I feel bad admitting this but I only would accept financial help at this point, I feel that emotionally they drain me and I find no value, because I’ve learned so much from outside sources and have better coaches and friends than my family. So they offer help and want to smother me and be there for me, but my actual needs can’t be met, they don’t have the capacity to do that, so is it okay if I ask for money only?
@nataliacardenas4269 I am in no way a mental health professional, but I’d like to offer my two cents.
That was incredibly insightful, aware, and brave of you to be able to acknowledge your family’s shortcomings, the impact it has caused on how you treat yourself, and ultimately your relationship with them.
I know how hard it must be to not want to be around the people who’ve contributed to your pain yet still need them for basic survival.
You mentioned that you’ve learned a lot from “outside sources,” friends, and coaches? That’s great that you have support. We all need support.
You asked if it were acceptable to only reach out to your family for financial reasons. That choice is entirely up to you and only you can give yourself permission. However, as someone who is also dealing with resentment, I would strongly suggest working with a professional on healing yourself and your inner child. Resentment can really consume you if not dealt with. Just speaking from experience.
Slightly off topic for this video, but i love your channel and you have already helped me so much i thought i should ask you for some suggestions on something that i struggle with and that stops me from getting the help i really need. I have a really hard time communicating my needs verbally. In writing too, but mostly verbally. Recognizing and comnunicating my needs was never a priority growing up and now i really have a hard time with that as an adult. I tried just general therapy once and got so frustrated with the therapist that i had to stop because i didnt know where to begin and the therapist spent our time just staring at me waiting for me to begin and i just couldnt do anything but cry in desperation and frustration at my lack of ability to focus on or identify my issues or talking points.
Hi Katie: I can't really give individual advice via social media, but I will share from my experience - people who have a hard time verbalizing often have the "freeze" response in the fight-flight-freeze spectrum. If you are interested, I do have a live webinar in early Nov coming up: roadmaptojoy.life/rewiring-your-brain/. It can sometimes be connected to dissociative symptoms, and a well trained EMDR therapist would be able to work well with it.... I wish you health and healing.
@@BarbaraHeffernan thank you again. I appreciate you very much. I registered for the webinar 😊❤
Brilliant! Thanks a million bless you ❣
You are so welcome! 😃
Just one word...
Thank you ...:)
You are welcome!
Thank you so much.
You're welcome!
Thanks very much for your insightful videos.
You are welcome Graham! I appreciate your support!
I love your videos so much. God bless you!
😃 Thank you SO much!
Very helpful, thank you!
Glad it was helpful!
Thank you for your video! Is “connection” a basic need or higher need?
I was young, I veey very successful and beautiful, but my life totally destroyed by narcissist mom childhood trauma, all of my life full of pure evils, I am already 44, my whole life destroyed, I feel suicidal and desperate everyday..
❤❤❤❤❤❤
Is better help a resource for good therapists? Its not sustainable if they don’t take insurance 😢
What stuck to me, it's my job now.
tnku mam
you are welcome!
I had to do it the first time . This sucks . I already know what I think I need to know . I am just pissed that I have to be mom and dad a second time when they did not do anything the first time . I now know more of the environment that was Brother raped me as he baby set us girls. I can not prove it in any way anyone would care about but I have proven to myself that there is enough proved to trust my flashbacks and block outs and black outs. I needed them to be around at all . I ate and drank junk waiting for them to come home or to pick me up . I was a neglect keyless kid. I call myself stupid which I had the rule as I raised my kids that that word was not allowed. I came up with a uncle that almost could have been my dad that loved calling me stupid . It used to hurt then I got used to it and now I am fighting .0 to 10 . Let's see . I almost died at birth then was not born the boy mom planned on and was told I was going to be and to this day I wish I had been born as a male. 6 months old I almost died when both lungs crashed. They had to incubate me taking me away from mom and breast feeding. I never went back but was woops kept alive again for whatever reason . Was moved across states at 6 months after I healed because there was to much water in the air . Trauma and more trauma. Some time still in diapers I watched my rapist brother walking to school then he didn't come back for a long time because he was either in juvenile hall or jail at that age . He was 9 years older then me . Around six he tried to get me to come in and hang out with him in his trailer. I had no idea until a few years ago that trailer had been used by 4 different family members my oldest brother, my first rapist, me and dad after the divorce. That is sick . Mom was and part of a double arranged marriage pact . Mom was the oldest daughter at 13 when she was told to Marry dad then a few years later moms sister married dad's brother. They had been matched that is how I say I in could have been my uncles daughter. Ewwwww. When a person has no choice but to face the worst things possible well I have a hard time speaking about myself in the 1st term which is why you see me doing the 1st so much at this time it's me trying to fix habits. It's said that trauma is shared from mom to child it's in the DNA . I can so believe that. I hate it. I wish there was a peaceful world.
I want to reparent and don't know how to start. Maybe I can be less self-critical.
Is there a beloved one inside that urn behind you?
Did you buy those two vases from Thailand?
Hi: The thinnest one is from China. The other two are from an Asian store in Connecticut :)!
Why are the Ams so superficial? I need no reparenting. I know TMI. A Psychopath is no parent
It's interesting you say that therapy is not about blaming parents, when therapy in the 80s was all about that. People still need to protect themselves from toxic people though.
are you opening online therapy ?
I no longer do psychotherapy. I do a very small amount of coaching, and have online programs. www.awakenjoy.life/roadmap
I was listening till you said clergy, Manipulating people with guilt and shame is what they do. You might as well ask your abuser.
Are you pushing me. ? It is false .
Thank you for this.
You are welcome!
Thank you so much ❤️
You’re welcome 😊