How to Handle a Narcissist (Q&A with Tim, Part 8)

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  • Опубліковано 24 гру 2024

КОМЕНТАРІ • 421

  • @TimFletcher
    @TimFletcher  Місяць тому +7

    💜 Please be aware of scammers impersonating Tim or the Tim Fletcher team! We do not provide any phone numbers in the comments and Tim does not chat privately with viewers. We will never ask you to join us on a messaging app. When in doubt, reach out to us via our website at timfletcher.ca. Stay safe and scam-aware. With Love, The Tim Fletcher Team.

  • @hdskl2150
    @hdskl2150 2 місяці тому +114

    Do not ever go back after you leave. That is the biggest thing I learned. Do not ever ever ever go back. Leave and move far away. Change your phone number and don’t tell anyone who is in contact with that person. If your narcissistic relationship is abusive - do not ever go back.

    • @RonkeStation
      @RonkeStation Місяць тому +6

      This is not so easy to do when it is your family. They can still harm you when you are not even there. Just think about the family members of murders and extremes like this! Not everyone is responsible for their family members actions but society sure makes you. So it is not that simple at all.

    • @Tiger-dg3cz
      @Tiger-dg3cz Місяць тому +5

      After being in a narcissistic family it is scary trying to make it

    • @ThePiscesNotOnly
      @ThePiscesNotOnly Місяць тому

      ​@@RonkeStation☺️My father is sick so I had to meet them this week😊😊😊☺️☺️☺️☺️☺️life's good

    • @haashithaprabhakar4110
      @haashithaprabhakar4110 Місяць тому

      Why?

    • @davidmckayii752
      @davidmckayii752 Місяць тому

      @@hdskl2150 you are absolutely right

  • @moltenglow
    @moltenglow 2 місяці тому +293

    I know these are deeply wounded people, but something about this disorder is so freaking wicked… it’s like there’s demons inside them… imagine witnessing the madness and the evil as a little kid… no child should go through this… let’s end this, people… let’s make sure the madness stops with us and we don’t pass it on to our kids… wishing love and peace to all 💖

    • @CambieSweets
      @CambieSweets 2 місяці тому +35

      This! I’m not religious but I definitely see how someone can believe a person has demons inside them. They really are wicked.

    • @LOVEISTRUTH300
      @LOVEISTRUTH300 2 місяці тому +9

      Sending LOVE to you💖💖💖

    • @janetklumper6048
      @janetklumper6048 2 місяці тому +17

      Let's BREAK the CYCLE❤

    • @iindiar
      @iindiar 2 місяці тому

      Exorcists are noticing that some family lines have demonic curses (trauma, financial, etc) on them....generational trauma....unmet needs....narcissism...lack of nurturing/mirroring during infancy/childhood...complex trauma....deep, supersaturated shame that never receives enough empathy.....physical abuse....emotional abuse....chronically stressed families. Their thoughts & actions are also influenced by demons as trauma is an access point. Do not attack them. Pray for them. Inform them about the spiritual nature of why their family has so many tragedies or problems (temporal punishment). People like this will continue to exist until we root out the problem. Demons are real. Satan is real. Christ is real and is our savior.

    • @naturalnewbie98
      @naturalnewbie98 2 місяці тому +9

      trying and crying

  • @kylaren6337
    @kylaren6337 2 місяці тому +57

    Usually it’s a 2 for 1. If you find that your partner is a narcissist, it is pretty assured that you’ve dealt with narcissism in a parent or caregiver or close relative before. That is why you are desensitized to abuse cycles. No way you would stay with someone who continuously puts you in cycles of abuse without a familiarity to it.

    • @Charlotte_breathes_fire
      @Charlotte_breathes_fire Місяць тому +5

      Exactly. Thanks for sharing this and spreading awareness.

    • @claireh.7605
      @claireh.7605 Місяць тому +1

      My group therapist was trauma bonding and manipulating us, and I looked past it. One time we had a normally raised LCSW student join the group and he quit on day two he said “What you’re teaching is bad, my friend and family don’t talk this way, if this is what you’re teaching, I don’t want to learn this.” The therapist started attacking him and got the group to attack him, and then said he will make a bad therapist because he is so clueless about emotions because he doesn’t understand what we do in the group.

    • @PaigeSquared
      @PaigeSquared Місяць тому +2

      More people need to know.

    • @Ninsidhe
      @Ninsidhe Місяць тому +3

      “Desensitised to abuse cycles”- this is the way of describing it that I needed. Thank you.

    • @PaigeSquared
      @PaigeSquared Місяць тому +3

      @@Ninsidhe the best metaphor I have found for it is: "the fish don't see the water they're swimming in." Things like addiction get passed on via the family "water" atmosphere. When a fish is in dirty water, they would not know. It would be very difficult to perceive, until they are in clean water.

  • @sellspacecoast
    @sellspacecoast 2 місяці тому +108

    He is speaking absolute truth here. Get ready for a decade long war. Get ready for betrayal, abuse and pain like you cannot imagine.

    • @vanessabuchanan4691
      @vanessabuchanan4691 2 місяці тому +5

      Three decades for me

    • @janejones4215
      @janejones4215 Місяць тому +4

      This is exactly right
      4 decades for me .
      I had know idea what was going to happen to me because I didn’t have a plan to escape

    • @suerenae
      @suerenae Місяць тому +4

      2 and a half decades for me, war is no exaggeration, made the same mistake over and over of leaving only to come back.

    • @sellspacecoast
      @sellspacecoast Місяць тому +3

      @@vanessabuchanan4691 I’m sorry.

    • @sellspacecoast
      @sellspacecoast Місяць тому +2

      @@janejones4215 I’m sorry.

  • @jacksimons-o8q
    @jacksimons-o8q 20 днів тому +209

    Exciting video, A year ago I took the no contact route, well i wouldn't say it didnt go well, but i missed her and sometimes you have to leave your comfort zone and go for what you want, Without knowing and having a huge ego, we might actually miss out on our soul mate all in the name of not settling for less, I know who i am, and at the same time i know what i want for me, so i did all i could to get her back, and I must say, it was the best decision i have ever made, we have been together again for over 7 months, yes marriage isnt always rosey, but i am lucky to have her, just as she is to have me, we compliment each other

    • @DorothyAngers
      @DorothyAngers 20 днів тому +1

      its difficult to let go of someone you love, i am in a similar situation, and i do not know what else do to have him back, i have been dying inside, people actually think i am happy, i am not.

    • @jacksimons-o8q
      @jacksimons-o8q 20 днів тому +1

      I feel your pain sister , after trying out the no contact experiment that failed miserably, i had to find other means, i had to reach out to a spiritual adviser, it was brilliant idea which i never thought it was, but it worked wonders for me.

    • @DorothyAngers
      @DorothyAngers 20 днів тому +3

      Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him/ her?

    • @jacksimons-o8q
      @jacksimons-o8q 20 днів тому +2

      Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

    • @DorothyAngers
      @DorothyAngers 20 днів тому

      Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive

  • @coach_amy
    @coach_amy 2 місяці тому +150

    Like Richard Grannon says, you must reduce the significance of the narcissist. I am cringing hearing about people who want to talk to the NPDs about healing (I feel for the past me who tried for decades to have a healthy dialog with parents, siblings and 2 exes. What a waste of my time, energy, and health). Either enjoy people exactly as they are, or get away from them.

    • @coach_amy
      @coach_amy 2 місяці тому +11

      ​@@braininjurydiy Yes. And then healing from the shared fantasy. Much easier to say "no" at the start than after taking even just one centimeter towards the person. It's even more difficult when it starts at birth with parents.
      "The Little Shaman" has a really good youtube video comparing an Artificial Intelligence chat bot with an NPD--and how it's difficult to remember what/what you're dealing with because of what our brain does in such scenarios where the computer or NPD mirrors back our own words.

    • @Vanessa-mo9ix
      @Vanessa-mo9ix 2 місяці тому

      The problem is the label narcissist has been used on Social media to call anyone who cheats, is self-centred, lacks empathy, discards, hoovers, is an as*hole, passive aggressive, dismissive, so on.
      How many people actually know the criteria for the diagnosis of NPD? Narcissism is on a spectrum, on the scale there is healthy narcissism to malignant narcissism. I really wish people would reframe from using these diagnostic labels for pathological narcissism when they are not qualified to. There are plenty of other personality disorders out there including Cluster A and Cluster C disorders which includes Schizoid and Avoidant Personality Disorders.

    • @penny459
      @penny459 2 місяці тому +3

      Good advice.

  • @patricksicard_psy
    @patricksicard_psy 2 місяці тому +57

    Don’t engage, don’t react, remain calm. If you’re in an entanglement with someone with a narcissist personality style get out. Narcissists don’t change. These individuals are toxic. Attachment Styles. The mask. The core self comes from a place of fear and shame. Therapy? Those individuals with this type of personality style rarely if ever present for treatment.
    Patrick Sicard, Psychologist &Trauma informed therapist.

    • @nataliemoraes2033
      @nataliemoraes2033 Місяць тому +3

      Yeah, even though I've changed, they will kill whatever self esteem I have built and tear it down. I am convinced a narc can never be helped.

  • @helder3951
    @helder3951 2 місяці тому +36

    Escaped during the pandemic and hell broke loose… I’m nearly healed. Raised in it so I couldn’t recognize it. Was gaslit from day 1… escaped and blocked all these types. I’m free single and retired. I’m good with my only child. It nearly cost me my life several times. Thank you 🙏🏻 ❤

  • @KatI422-r3m
    @KatI422-r3m 2 місяці тому +88

    This is invaluable information that would typically costs $$$ to get. Thank you Mr. Fletcher!

  • @JillCee
    @JillCee 2 місяці тому +43

    No other family or relatives. When my parents got sick and then later passed, I did take care of them. I did set up plenty of rules and boundaries for them. One thing that did work is since they were helpless, they were much nicer to me because they knew there was no one else to help them. I still had to separate myself emotionally to do it. It was a lot of work, but no regrets. And I know I honored God in the process. It is cool to see the healing God has brought into my life since.

    • @RonkeStation
      @RonkeStation Місяць тому +1

      I am glad that you did not have a complication of a sociopathic sibling who was leeching off them and causing their illness among other things!

    • @JillCee
      @JillCee Місяць тому +1

      @ Actually, both of my parents were narcissists. I was battling both of them at the same time. Trust me, it was not easy. I was an only child caring for both at the same time while battling a life threatening illness on my part. Not fun times by any stretch. But when the point came where my help was needed, I did leverage boundaries to my benefit in order to find some sanity. If I had a narcissistic sibling, because I was so sick at the time, I would have totally handed them the reigns.

    • @KatI422-r3m
      @KatI422-r3m Місяць тому

      ​@JillCee I did and remained No Contact with the one parent and let the siblings handle it. Once I began to heal from the narcissistic abuse I had been groomed to tolerate from birth, when the message came and I realized this was it for the parent, decided to remain NC. Their attempt at "hoovering" me after 3 years of NC and reaching out with this "emergency" garnered no response. Been close to 2 years with no further attempts since.

    • @JillCee
      @JillCee Місяць тому +1

      @ That was why I was very clear about my boundaries. If they violated, they knew I would leave immediately. My ace card was the fact they needed help and knew it. I am not saying there weren’t comments and stuff that happened. I made it clear if they didn’t stop behavior, they were on their own. And there were no siblings so my parents knew if I left, there was no one else they could call.

    • @Tiger-dg3cz
      @Tiger-dg3cz Місяць тому +1

      My parents are ill also. My feelings are so mixed about it

  • @alexkuieh1565
    @alexkuieh1565 2 місяці тому +16

    The way I respond influences a situation. I call it response power.

    • @nickieglazer33
      @nickieglazer33 Місяць тому

      Love that. Cheers!

    • @lesliesantos8595
      @lesliesantos8595 18 днів тому

      Yeah and narcs don't realize hoe they respond is mostly dismissive and hurtful when they get called out on toxic hurtful crap...but it was always our fault to begin with lmao

  • @Boyhowdy875
    @Boyhowdy875 2 місяці тому +80

    Pack your bags while they are out, just take what you can. If you want to have that discussion, you should have it over the phone.

    • @TruthQuestian78
      @TruthQuestian78 2 місяці тому

      @@Boyhowdy875 if you have a safe place and any way of slowly removing things that would not be noticed, you can move them somewhere safe a bit at a time if you've got that freedom. Enlist someone who can be there for you. If the best you can do is to put everything in trash bags in the trunk and back seat then do it... If your best is two suitcases and a backpack, just go.
      You can replace things. You can never replace time, and maybe some degree of sanity may always escape you, but inner peace is worth more than any material possession you could ever have. When I left, all I took was my dresser in my Dad's truck bed, all my toiletries in a trash bag with taped shut lids, all my miscellaneous things that a) bring me joy and b)were mine in the back seat and trunk, and things that were for my dog, and my dog in the front seat of my car. My parents were amazed how little I actually took and are still amazed that I could care less about the rest of it. None of it matters to me, it'll never fill the hole in my soul that will take a lot of time and work to repair.
      It may not feel so great but it really is. The greatest part, if you've reached a point that you feel like there's nothing left of the "you" before the relationship - you get to choose who you really are again, get rid of the qualities that do not serve your health and build up the qualities that make you who you want to be. It's going to take a bit before you get comfortable with choosing who you are, for yourself, and that's ok. It's ok to take that time and figure it out, it won't be a quick adjustment. If you truly are in that state then you have a blank slate to remember, then rebuild a solid foundation, a better structure and a stronger outer reinforcement protecting who you are.
      You deserve to be cherished and loved for who you are and if someone isn't willing to do that for you, then they are not worth opening your new door for them to come in. Who you are has nothing to do with anyone outside of you except maybe God, if you are a believer. Just the peep hole and ring doorbell camera is all they get. Who cares what anyone else thinks about who you are as long as you're good with it? Your real friends will appear and the ones who never were will disappear and that's a good thing.

    • @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus
      @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus 2 місяці тому

      @@Boyhowdy875 This exactly what I did 3 years ago, after he left home. I was running away for my dear life, a chance to preserve what was left after almost 15years of marriage. I filed for divorce same day and returned later when I rented place for my children. It’s been tough because they get worse especially of children between us, he unleashed the full force of his demons on during and after divorce. They’ll do anything to still abuse victims to maintain chaos especially reactive abuse & gaslighting. Always scheming & manipulating, they can’t stop.

    • @jack-e-designs
      @jack-e-designs Місяць тому +1

      With ai?Thats what they want to use.

    • @HaleyBowman2025
      @HaleyBowman2025 Місяць тому +2

      This is exactly what I did to get out 😢

    • @HaleyBowman2025
      @HaleyBowman2025 Місяць тому

      @@jack-e-designsyes I used Chat GPT to communicate with him after I left and before I finally blocked him for good.

  • @RONNYMORRISMUSIC
    @RONNYMORRISMUSIC Місяць тому +11

    I have seen one close to me reading books, listening to videos etc. told me they changed and never changed. The lie was told time and again, "I am making change", "I wanna change", and again and again the lies continued, the behavior continued. Time consuming, exhausting, and emotional drain.

  • @GrandmothersGarden
    @GrandmothersGarden 2 місяці тому +47

    I have no expectations in change, but have to stay together due to finances. I recognized it when it started, so my boundaries have been there. It saved my sanity in realizing that it wasn't me. His grandmother, a nurse, warned me before she died that he had severe neglect his first 3 years of life. She tried to care for him but had her own family. She helped validate my experience as not being about me. We went to therapy 3 X and the first two took him alone to help him, then they each became chums. Now we're working with another psychologist - this time a female - and she's called him out every time he's tried to pivot, look away, and dismiss me. She's really good. I still have no expectations.

    • @vitalisakaloyski5758
      @vitalisakaloyski5758 2 місяці тому +5

      So basically, you are using him . Staying for finances

    • @_GatoradeMeBitch
      @_GatoradeMeBitch 2 місяці тому

      @@vitalisakaloyski5758 Kind of depends on if that's about a shared mortgage or kids. If the glue is simply the other person having money, any competent psychologist will call that out too as a discussion to be had, it wouldn't be healthy.

    • @58cherylt
      @58cherylt 2 місяці тому

      @@vitalisakaloyski5758- no that may not be the case. If they split finances fairly, they could both be living below the poverty line. OR,
      he is withholding her share of the joint estate. Many ways to look at something.

    • @kathydodge8028
      @kathydodge8028 2 місяці тому +1

      ​@@vitalisakaloyski5758 two partners having to stay together for financial reasons is different than one person using the other.

    • @elizagoodytwoshoes9140
      @elizagoodytwoshoes9140 2 місяці тому +5

      ​@@vitalisakaloyski5758thats not it and your comment sounds narcissistic. Life isn't as uncomplicated as your comment suggests. I have a farm of animals and children that is financially intertwined.

  • @anjknelson9013
    @anjknelson9013 2 місяці тому +36

    I walked the Love Dare book (1 Cor 13) daily, it turned my exhusband around and "changed" his behavior from divorce mindset to learning give and take. But now ten years later, he is back in divorce mode looking for relevance. I just turn my back now. I am no longer compromising. I respect his boundaries, giving him as much privacy as he needs. There is inability to mature. I do not engage with him, I do not debate or explain anything anymore. He has a twisted tongue and a questionable logic. Why bring up a child who is already an adult who is accountable for his own decisions and actions. Waiting for assets and debts division agreement for divorce to finalize. Regression is a cyclical pattern. It's time to cut off the wickedness.

    • @GodsChosenMekAmoR
      @GodsChosenMekAmoR 2 місяці тому +10

      and unfortunately they really do all cheat in some type of way. If he is allowing you to have boundaries he has found someone else to give him the supply he needs and is being deceptive to you.

    • @anjknelson9013
      @anjknelson9013 2 місяці тому +6

      @@GodsChosenMekAmoR Yes, then the supply runs out or he's high is back to a low. Proverbs mention the grave is never satisfied, Isaiah 42 describes captives, in one or two of the gospels Jesus says he who does not gather with Him scatters abroad. I think Jesus is all sufficient but it takes our own choice and diligence to engage with Him to enable His power to do its cleansing and renewing work in our soul and mind. Coming before God daily without pretense and with humility is key to freedom to be His workmanship.

  • @chinonso_samuel
    @chinonso_samuel 2 місяці тому +33

    I have followed your teachings for 3 years and it's a big blessing to me.

  • @vectorair1
    @vectorair1 2 місяці тому +13

    This is the best explanation of steps to take and what to expect I’ve ever seen!!! Everyone tells me he won’t change. The thought of leaving sends me into a PANIC. Then I keep trying. Then I decide to stay but work on me. All the same steps you just described.

  • @AyyildizAy
    @AyyildizAy Місяць тому +14

    You are 100% right about them not wanting to change. My ex wife was in so much rush to get married that I wasn’t sure why. But after 2 months of moving in together I knew why! She hada mask that she couldn’t keep on for that long. I tried everything you have mentioned here it didn’t work. I was nice talking and explaining to her she thought I was naïve. Then I change tactics and be little though explaining things and where the relationship was heading if she didn’t improve then she said I was rude and didn’t care about her or loved her enough to except her as she was. We lived two years of hell. She even tried to get pregnant so I won’t leave her she already has a son 7 years old she left her mom to take care of him.
    Towards the end she has mentioned to live in two different rooms instead of breaking up but I said to her you got 3 months to improve on herself if not she had move out we were done. I loved this women but I knew that my health and happiness comes first she was dragging me down with her. So I had to let her go. I blocked her from everything no phone no social media no open doors for her to contact me. After 3 months she showed up next to my car out of no where wanting to talk that she was sorry she misses me and she is not happy without me she wants another chance but I could tell she wasn’t genuinely honest. I sad no thank you. I don’t wanna live through that again. And she asked me for forgiveness I said no it won’t be fare after 3 years of hell she put me through. I said you ‘ll be fine enjoy your life. It was very hard but in my heart I believed that was the right thing to do.
    Stay strong everyone 🙏

    • @miryreina925
      @miryreina925 Місяць тому +1

      @AyyildizAy I NEED TO DEVELOP YOUR MINDSET, COURAGE AND DETERMINATION.

  • @WendyJ-oh7ej
    @WendyJ-oh7ej Місяць тому +5

    Excellent Tim. Years of counselling and therapy and looking for “a magic fix” has never delivered such a sensible clear perspective as you shared here.

  • @deborahmullen6312
    @deborahmullen6312 Місяць тому +4

    I am astounded with the intelligence of this great man! Tim, you have described my whole life so unbelievably accurate. And now it 's my age that's stopping me! At almost 69, I say I'm finally going to ignore him and live life on my farm with my pets and try to just be neutral toward him. I am not feeling good about leaving, and my stress
    is making me physically sick. Leaving with my animals would make me even more stressed. (I have a horse, chickens, 2 dogs and a barn cat.) Must think of myself now. I never knew there was a 3rd set of baggage but I see it now! He is also physically abusive, too, and since he finally got arrested, he is now the victim, and he is so far gone.
    My other problem is isolation and not having a good support system.
    Thank you for helping me on my healing journey! Your methodical way of explaining everything is wonderful. I have listened to this 3 times. ❤

  • @jsmith7240
    @jsmith7240 2 місяці тому +39

    In my experience, it is just not worth trying to work with a narcissist. I say that after 20 years divorced from one with a child growing up with access. If you value your own mental health get as far away as possible, as covertly as possible, without blaming them, even if they are 100% to blame bcs they will punish you and use every trick in the book to deflect any responsibility of their behaviour into you and some. I spent years feeling sorry for the trauma they went through but they will not respect your boundaries and any time they are nice is bcs they are manipulating you. I'm really sorry to say it, but don't spend too long confused and hurting bcs that's a tactic to keep you confused and hurting. Your confused bcs it stops you seeing what their agenda is. I'll never get my 20 years back, understand what you're involved with.

    • @cyndiv.2049
      @cyndiv.2049 2 місяці тому +1

      15 yrs for me. Traumatized by the Conman

    • @jsmith7240
      @jsmith7240 2 місяці тому +2

      @@cyndiv.2049 I'm sorry, it's really rubbish but at least you're not still counting

    • @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus
      @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus 2 місяці тому

      @@jsmith7240 I literally ran away for my dear life, after he went out. It was a chance to preserve what was left of my life after almost 15years of marriage. I filed for divorce same day and returned later when I rented a place for my children. It’s been tough since then because they get worse especially because teenage children are between us, he unleashed the full force of his demons during and after divorce. They’ll do anything to still abuse victims even when they are plainly wrong even legal retribution doesn’t bother this guy, just to maintain chaos especially reactive abuse & gaslighting. Always scheming & manipulating, they can’t stop. You’ve got to be wiser & a step ahead after too much pain and anticipate their cruelty & mitigate it, they are too wicked so stay safe mentally & physically. Take your drained soul back.

    • @suerenae
      @suerenae Місяць тому +2

      I try not to think of the 25 years I feel were wasted, verbal mental emotional abuse, manipulation, control, the gaslighting, it’s hard not to.

    • @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus
      @GlobalKoinoniaTVRevealingJesus Місяць тому

      @suerenae 15 years for me, sadly. Then another 3 years to make meaningful headway. He brought me down to my knees, I've sued him for various financial breaches, deliberately wicked, owes me tens of thousands but I only found peace when I finally walked away from it all. The court system will enforce their orders, but taking years. I stopped blaming him, arguing or fighting about just about anything. My teenage children are seeing clearer who is covertly hurting who. I survived it all, including all the diseases especially tumours that dried up on their own when I separated 3 years ago, then divorced his hateful self. I can love myself freely now aware from the insecure but full blown prideful egoistic creature, definitely not human.

  • @weaviejeebies
    @weaviejeebies 2 місяці тому +25

    If you only knew just how timely this is for me, Tim! Bless you 1000x for sharing your expertise.

  • @TeaRose9
    @TeaRose9 2 місяці тому +12

    Why would you want to suffer from their horrible behavior. Run!!!

    • @Lyrielonwind
      @Lyrielonwind 20 днів тому +1

      Most people are trauma bonded and it's like an addiction. Besides, they make you dependent, isolate you and high cortisol levels don't let you think properly.
      Some people are so destroyed they are in freeze mode, paralysed or with serious health conditions.

  • @janejohnstone5795
    @janejohnstone5795 2 місяці тому +17

    The only way to cope with one of them...is to live apart from them..just visit for a day...then lead your own life..away from the frustration of them..

  • @fifitheflowerpot
    @fifitheflowerpot Місяць тому +11

    This doc is absolutely Spot on everything.

  • @Ruby-wise
    @Ruby-wise 2 місяці тому +24

    Yes..so that “we will continue to P L A Y their game!”

  • @michellemilne4359
    @michellemilne4359 Місяць тому +4

    28 sec in and already I understand better why my mother will change her behaviour for 2 weeks and then go back to behaving as she usual.

  • @YoYo-gt5iq
    @YoYo-gt5iq Місяць тому +5

    7:00 fascinating.
    Each person has baggage. It leads to communal problems. They don't know the pre-communal baggage is what's weighing them down

  • @karensinclair4922
    @karensinclair4922 Місяць тому +1

    As good as these teachings are one can’t help but feel that its easier just to be alone - its a wonder anyone in history has ever been happily married

  • @Hellisokornot
    @Hellisokornot 2 місяці тому +6

    Exposing my vulnerability to my wife was the hardest part. But it worked out in the long run.

    • @elizagoodytwoshoes9140
      @elizagoodytwoshoes9140 2 місяці тому +2

      Out of all the comments finally the one and only one self responsible. Good for you👍

    • @rozdevin2468
      @rozdevin2468 Місяць тому

      Yes! Good for you!

  • @itachi65ful
    @itachi65ful 2 місяці тому +11

    Its first principals. You have to start from the point of origin. I find that a lot of people tend to start at a high place and believe it's the place of origin of their problems. They are usually unaware of how far back they need to go.
    For me I learnt to keep going back further if the problem or solution I've come to doesn't work or only works for sometime.

  • @JMcK75
    @JMcK75 2 місяці тому +18

    I see anything whit "narcissist" in the title and 99% of the time tune out.
    Only because it's time did I watch this and very grateful for it.

    • @JMcK75
      @JMcK75 2 місяці тому +4

      Tim has re-opened my eyes

  • @aaronknight9759
    @aaronknight9759 Місяць тому +8

    They draw you into their game without you realizing it. They will change the rules constantly.
    When you make your own rules and create new solid boundaries, they will freak out and display new levels of abuse.

  • @JulianaAlfoldi
    @JulianaAlfoldi 2 місяці тому +9

    My mother narcissist will never change. Tried talking nicely to her about healing, tried to lead by example, but nothing will work. I stopped hoping she will ever change. No, she will die a narcissist.
    And yes, these people are evil. They have no conscience and are always the victim, no matter the situation

  • @PrincessTarots
    @PrincessTarots 2 місяці тому +22

    Oh my goodness thank you for this so MUCH! 🙏🏼😌

  • @fancyfeast6779
    @fancyfeast6779 2 місяці тому +6

    I have watched many videos and this has been the most helpful. Thank you for sharing all your experience and expertise working with couples who are dealing with a narcissist and trauma both individuals have to work on before working on the relationship. It makes sense now.

  • @audreydaleski1067
    @audreydaleski1067 2 місяці тому +6

    Avoiding one works best.

    • @Yessssz
      @Yessssz Місяць тому +1

      Seriously, they need to teach about narcissists in school

  • @joepjan9209
    @joepjan9209 2 місяці тому +4

    Yes, this is my story...all of it...still long for the knight on the white horse who will truly love me, but now at 56 I know the love one never got, can never be found in anyone but yourself and acceptance. It is sad and it is cruel....isn't a strange trick, that the narcissist who never got unconditional love himself, rejects yours, while he finally found the unconditional love that you offer and that he needs to be 'free'.

    • @elizagoodytwoshoes9140
      @elizagoodytwoshoes9140 2 місяці тому

      Yes me too seems so backwards. I'm still with mine for now, ill try the 6 month thing.

  • @hazeloldham144
    @hazeloldham144 2 місяці тому +20

    Spot on thank you so much

  • @НаталияГорохова-з6у
    @НаталияГорохова-з6у 2 місяці тому +19

    Character deficiency is hard to change or improve in those Individuals

  • @BRANDNEW715
    @BRANDNEW715 2 місяці тому +15

    ❤❤❤ your teachings Tim!!!!

  • @debbiec6205
    @debbiec6205 2 місяці тому +5

    Thank you so much for this video. Very affirming after leaving my abusive narc husband against my pastor's advice.

    • @Paulohlsson7
      @Paulohlsson7 Місяць тому

      Hi Debbie, how's your day going with you?

  • @jodirowe2996
    @jodirowe2996 16 днів тому

    I took Tim’s advice. My narc ex and kids watched me change. They did not accept my boundaries, my ceasing people pleasing & rescuing. They resented me. I finally found the courage to accept unhealthy people unwilling to change, cannot be in my life journey. Expect that to be a long challenge, but don’t give up.

  • @appleofhiseye104
    @appleofhiseye104 2 місяці тому +33

    Some therapists are narcissistic.

    • @caroleminke6116
      @caroleminke6116 2 місяці тому +4

      Scary dangerous people

    • @nickandrews2255
      @nickandrews2255 2 місяці тому +1

      Horrific to hear @starynigjt cheers all the best cheers

    • @Tiger-dg3cz
      @Tiger-dg3cz Місяць тому

      I am staying alone

    • @DoRight33
      @DoRight33 Місяць тому +1

      Narcissts roam in every corner of the world and thrive temporarily...but it all ends in Crash & Burn over & over again
      See it
      Don't play
      If you can, run & never look back !!

  • @midasspider530
    @midasspider530 2 місяці тому +36

    It is truly amazing that they all read from the same playback. It's a horrible experience in uncovering insanity.
    the insanity

  • @Joshualuv13
    @Joshualuv13 2 місяці тому +6

    My father was NPD, amongst other things .Iv attracted the same in my intimate life.. Now, at 62 years of age .. I've given up on trying to have any romantic relationships because regardless of awareness. I don't trust who im going to be attracted to.

  • @autumngryffinnheart6374
    @autumngryffinnheart6374 2 місяці тому +5

    Thanks

  • @angelahahn8300
    @angelahahn8300 День тому

    Tim, I would like to thank you for your session on here that talks about how to handle a narcissist. You are so right when you say DON'T ENABLE THEM. I'm still in the middle of listening to this, so I'm sure that I will have other comments. This is a valuable lesson that everyone that must deal with a narcissist should listen to. I heard about you from my friend Sylvia Horst. She's a very dear friend of mine & a beautiful person.

  • @chadnovak4
    @chadnovak4 Місяць тому +2

    I feel a distinction needs to be made between NPD and narcissistic traits. I believe these are two very different things. There may be a possibility for change for people who exhibit narcissistic traits, but what I have learned about NPD, they're not changing for themselves or anyone else.
    I feel this topic is rich for the world we currently find ourselves living in. We've divorced ourselves from oursleves. We are looking for morhers and fathers as lovers in the most dysfunctional way, bread from our early life trauma, not to mention the trauma that is in the field of the earth. Ancestral trauma that most of us carry and dont even know about.
    Thank you for the presentation, Mr. Fletcher. I'm fasinated by the work you do.🙏

  • @sperantaparaeac6684
    @sperantaparaeac6684 2 місяці тому +9

    You describe exactly what I am passing through!

  • @jaggersalapayne9353
    @jaggersalapayne9353 Місяць тому +1

    Thank you for this message...I really need these knowledge to equipt me with before finally getting out of a toxic relationship that I have...😢

  • @denisej.smith-perry4949
    @denisej.smith-perry4949 2 місяці тому +5

    Best video and teaching ever... God has raised up a vessel who is speaking the truth and the process of being with a leviathan ....python spirit...Awesome ❤❤❤

  • @RobertJones-w5y
    @RobertJones-w5y 2 місяці тому +12

    Can you change them?? If you you wanna give up everything and still lose, have at it.

  • @marykennedysherin3330
    @marykennedysherin3330 2 місяці тому +3

    Tim is a genius at teaching! God bless him!🙏🏻❤️

  • @alexursulajohnson8622
    @alexursulajohnson8622 2 місяці тому +3

    What I have experienced is people can heal.. through not accepting what wasnt right anymore and setting boundaries,, my mom has changed soooo much after years of me just not accepting wrong behaviour and being at a place where if i wasnt gonna have her in my life I had accepted that,, because I needed to live.. after years of her seeing my success,, example of living rather than telling anything.. i just live my life and its almost like reverse phsychology,, you not needed and healing leaves them behind and they start to look at themselves … its so funny how it works… plus when we finally set healthy boundaries it stops the insanity… and the behaviour it happened so well in my family.. .. its like the missing link.. yes at times I felt i was the only adult in the relationship but wow id rather be the adult than the needy child never getting her needs met going to an empty well is exhausting.. to become adult,, i had to realize the chord was cut a long time ago. Mom did her job bringing me into this world.. she is just like me a human just trying to do this with no directions.. but seriously i can parent myself and that was a huge change in me too.. its just awesome how I am not longer continuing the cycle of victimizing myself due to being a victim at childhood.. but Im all grown up now and I pay attention to the signals in my life.. the inner language not the mind language.. and triggers.. now i see they are just physical manifestations the body remembers but i am not in that past place i am here now and its a different situation.. i have stopped projecting past scenario onto current but past experience help actually make safe choices today.. its awesome i love my life!! No more medication either!! Amino acids and eating well.. that came naturally too because I love my life today why wouldnt I want to physically also then take care of my “house” its beautiful how one can come from suicide living to happy joyous and free wise and strong healthy and helpful and understanding of what others are currently trapped in.. the world is all unless they are healed and aware operating on old survival techniques that were good at one time but fail in today and they dont even know what they are doing wrong.. 🙏❤️

  • @andrewlevas9258
    @andrewlevas9258 2 місяці тому +9

    The only thing that has worked is to see them as the alien beings they are and put down firm boundaries of what behavior is unacceptable to you. You have to be ready to walk.

    • @nataliatrumpo3893
      @nataliatrumpo3893 2 місяці тому +2

      Which is a trap/catch-22, essentially… cuz how do you stay “IN” a marriage, but… remain ready to walk?! It’s so maddening!? I.e. to keep relationship, I have to compromise myself and my heart/life?! How is that a right choice?!

    • @cynthia-jo1zz
      @cynthia-jo1zz Місяць тому

      The only boundary I have with them is that I really have no interest in creating any relationship with them.. I truly see them for who they are and let them know they are very boring for my life.

  • @cdubs5991
    @cdubs5991 2 місяці тому +3

    I tried the 3rd option with my ex husband.
    It didn’t work because I was the only one doing it. At the end of the 6 months his double life was firmly established but I still felt like it was a good idea because I had spent 6 straight months focusing on myself instead of being wrapped up in him completely.
    I’d recommend it to others. At least you get some peace and feel productive

  • @paulmryglod4802
    @paulmryglod4802 Місяць тому

    I want to give encouragement to those who are just realizing they have some traits that need to change. I grew up with two traumatized parents, my father a grandiose narc, and my mother, a covert 'victim'. Neither one has ever been truthful or tried to understand their role in how they affected us kids.
    As an adult, it took me a few years for my mind to finally drop the shame and fear and realize I can change for the better without my world collapsing.
    Thats what it felt like initially. My world would collapse if I was vulnerable. It turns out it only improves.

  • @DCornwell-d2t
    @DCornwell-d2t 2 місяці тому +2

    This is so helpful. I love all of the examples to help the info sink in

  • @TruthQuestian78
    @TruthQuestian78 2 місяці тому +13

    And when they see me change for the better and they just get worse, is that my sign to GTFO?

    • @runswithraptors
      @runswithraptors 2 місяці тому +3

      Yes, the truth will set you free. Better to live alone than in a comfortable delusion

  • @elianaboer7593
    @elianaboer7593 2 місяці тому +2

    God bless this man for giving us this help.

  • @NumeroUnoYo
    @NumeroUnoYo 2 місяці тому +4

    Tim u have been SO much help to me, thank you so much!!

  • @Sparrow-u9r
    @Sparrow-u9r 2 місяці тому +23

    Change in ourselves first is the testimony that Jesus taught. Don't just preach at people, but live the changed lives through Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit!

  • @GC09Summer
    @GC09Summer Місяць тому +2

    Thank you for the education, Tim🙏!
    I watched a movie called "the book of Eli". The narc in my life is like the bad guy who wants to get Eli's book to manipulate the people.

  • @boomshankaneil
    @boomshankaneil Місяць тому +1

    Excellent advice and teachings ❤

  • @aprilc1077
    @aprilc1077 2 місяці тому +6

    Try growing up with one. My mother divorced my father (probably a narcissist) after he left when I was 16. My sister (for sure a narcissist) is playing the family as my dad is 85 and giving up. Sister is super religious and will use God against you in a minute. Very crafty! These two have especially drove me crazy the last 5 years. 45 years ago a psychiatrist told my mother it was my dad and sister withe a problem, not her. I'm 60 yrs old and I'm finally seeing the light. I've screamed and talked until I'm blue in the face. I'm walking away. I am NOT a bad person.
    Thankfully, I've always been close to my Mom.
    They will trick you and play you until the day you die if you let them. No way God expects us to give these people an inch let alone a mile.
    A narcissist can not change, many renowned psychologists have stated this over and over again. Don't give them fuel to run their evil plans. Break the chains! ✝️❤️🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

    • @danae-rain3019
      @danae-rain3019 Місяць тому +1

      Most of us did. That's why we got involved with them as adults. You aren't special.

  • @traceybyrne1690
    @traceybyrne1690 2 місяці тому +1

    Thanks!

  • @Superflyradioguy
    @Superflyradioguy 2 місяці тому +5

    Narcs can't change!

  • @Nancy2551-g6i
    @Nancy2551-g6i 2 місяці тому +23

    Wonderful video My partnership of five years ended a month ago. When my true love decided to part ways with me, it truly is the only thing on my mind. I can't fathom my life with anyone else, and even though I've tried everything to get him back, it's all in vain. Despite my best efforts to put him out of my thoughts, I can't help but miss him and think about him all the time. I could not really tell you why I am saying this.

    • @Adakataba
      @Adakataba 2 місяці тому

      It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.

    • @Nancy2551-g6i
      @Nancy2551-g6i 2 місяці тому

      Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?

    • @Adakataba
      @Adakataba 2 місяці тому

      His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

    • @Adakataba
      @Adakataba 2 місяці тому

      he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

    • @Nancy2551-g6i
      @Nancy2551-g6i 2 місяці тому

      Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
      Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

  • @menotyou6254
    @menotyou6254 2 місяці тому +9

    Excellent video Tim thank you yeah and yes. Growing pains hurt just like when you were a kid and your teeth are coming in and your body was changing this is soul changes and there can be some discomfort involved for sure as mettle my way through it though it’s worth it and I’m very grateful for you and the work.

  • @LeslieBell-ds3en
    @LeslieBell-ds3en 2 місяці тому +1

    You’re amazing, Tim! That was very helpful and useful information. It enlightened me on several factors I have been dealing with. I’m so grateful for your podcast.

  • @agatamakulska4442
    @agatamakulska4442 Місяць тому

    Tim you are fantastic! You helped me on so many levels to understand myself!

  • @diamondonpurpose9145
    @diamondonpurpose9145 Місяць тому +1

    They will NEVER change. Watching their victims change just makes them try harder to abuse then or they'll drop you cause you're now useless to them.
    Don't give false hope to victims. Thinking they'll change will keep you entangled longer and more damage will be done

  • @tyronewaters7117
    @tyronewaters7117 Місяць тому +1

    Great video. Very informative.

  • @FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj
    @FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj 2 місяці тому +2

    It trigger my shame when am alone sometimes it creates false guilt

  • @lahereja
    @lahereja Місяць тому +3

    The religious guilt is real. I was a Jehovah’s Witness and so was my ex husband. By the time I figured out he was an abuser we were married and weren’t supposed to divorce unless one of us cheated, and I wasn’t willing to do that. Tried and tried and tried to make it work and work on myself and be the better partner only for it to be thrown back in my face. Then when I was tired and expressed wanting to leave I was told I couldn’t. The “elders” of the church told me emotional abuse was hard to prove. My life got a lot better when I stopped listening to them. I’m happily divorced and out of that cult. My life has only gotten better, even with bad days.

  • @xlyal8908
    @xlyal8908 2 місяці тому +2

    You are the best . Thank you for your work. It really helps like nothing else.

  • @annettebierkos7928
    @annettebierkos7928 2 місяці тому +1

    Wow thank you , you're really awakening the truth in my relationship

  • @cibelledielemans9005
    @cibelledielemans9005 Місяць тому +3

    In the Netherlands there are really a lot of people with narcissistic traits. It is really quite worrying. 😟

    • @DoRight33
      @DoRight33 Місяць тому +1

      Sadly, many everywhere as they see it gets them what they want, if only temporarily

    • @imbolc8024
      @imbolc8024 8 днів тому +1

      @cibelledielemans9005
      same in Belgium, groetjes, it's a pest all over the world... 😢

  • @Dobermanmomma
    @Dobermanmomma 2 місяці тому +4

    Please talk about how to handle your mother as a covert narcisst. Been no contact for many years now beside a few texts here and there. Its so hard to accept that she doesn't care if her daughter is dead or alive.

    • @DoRight33
      @DoRight33 Місяць тому

      Ive suffered the same all my life...3 other sisters that enable her mistreatment of me...lm 63 and unfortunately had to move in with her...she's 83 and still nasty as all hell! Sisters still enabling her...lve changed though and keep my distance both physically & emotionally...she has her angry outbursts from time to time...l play like lm a 'grey rock'

  • @MariaArroyo-Segovia
    @MariaArroyo-Segovia 2 місяці тому +3

    Great talk!!

  • @rominakallin1188
    @rominakallin1188 2 місяці тому

    Thank you Tim, like you said , each individual has to work through their own baggage first before the relationship can work

  • @FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj
    @FlorenceLunsford-sk2nj 2 місяці тому +2

    I really need deep change

  • @florakhoza7447
    @florakhoza7447 Місяць тому

    Thank you so much it makes sense that both parties when each need to deal with their trauma in order to handle their current issue ❤❤❤❤

  • @juanitamccarthy1112
    @juanitamccarthy1112 2 місяці тому +3

    hi, thanks 4 videos. its amazing & helpful, my ex husband is a nar + so is his mother. very, very sad story. he does what you explained above ... i wasted 11 years of my life. i pray God Yhvh will bless double 4 what i have lost. it stays very, very, very sad

  • @tracylynn7149
    @tracylynn7149 2 місяці тому +4

    Wow! So much truth.

  • @mariarichards5221
    @mariarichards5221 17 днів тому

    I've heard it said...your just moving the chairs around on the Titanic.. thank you again.🙏🕊

  • @polyakovskaya9172
    @polyakovskaya9172 Місяць тому

    It helps a lot!❤ Thank you very much Mr.Fletcher! God bless you abundatly!

  • @miuthub7954
    @miuthub7954 2 місяці тому +3

    Thank you!

  • @dawntreader815
    @dawntreader815 День тому

    It is so hard if you have deferred to one of these people for literal decades and then start to see the horror of what they have been doing to you. Holidays are now my only contact for only a few hours and even that is giving me migraines.

  • @jshelley4592
    @jshelley4592 2 місяці тому +1

    I could not take it anymore !!! She everyday rage was unbearable. I moved 5 states away and went no contact.

  • @Farrah121
    @Farrah121 Місяць тому +1

    I got help, started to improve and my narc got enraged....the last thing he did was get curious about his alleged complex trauma. Don't discuss anything with them, get out and stay out.

  • @LadyDoe111
    @LadyDoe111 2 місяці тому +1

    we're scheduled to attend marriage counseling really really soon... this is good info 😊

  • @autumngryffinnheart6374
    @autumngryffinnheart6374 2 місяці тому +4

    Thank you so much. The fantasy growing up was Hollywood movies and TCM. I still envy those who married successfully. 🙏🏼

    • @DoRight33
      @DoRight33 Місяць тому +1

      Don't envy married people...they have their own crap to deal with just trying to juggle their relationship...the grass is RARELY truly greener on the other side !

  • @marieschmidt9416
    @marieschmidt9416 2 місяці тому

    This happened in my family. So true- good info!

  • @MarinaM-o6p
    @MarinaM-o6p 2 місяці тому +2

    Just look around in your own circle of “ friends” ….they are all like that .

  • @sharonsellers6247
    @sharonsellers6247 Місяць тому

    OMG this is so accurate. My ex and I had so much yours, mine, and ours baggage we could have filled up a cargo ship. Whew! Did I need to hear this on this day.

  • @tourisew7513
    @tourisew7513 Місяць тому

    Even when we are the ones who change first, they will still blame you and ask you why you changed, they can't handle changes at all so don't ever expect a narcissist to change, just plan your escape route and enact it sliently.

  • @maryjohnson2878
    @maryjohnson2878 Місяць тому +1

    Hi Doc, do you have a video regarding when your child marries a covert narcissist? Thank you!