The absolute worst part is when they accuse you of being manipulative, you are the one being selfish, everything is about you... so they accuse you of what they are doing
Classic trap. That’s counter blaming and projection. Weapons of a desperate child who got stuck. He said… you cannot argue because it will ALWAYS be turned back on you.
I would try to work with a therapist, a good one. Sounds like you never lived with love. A therapist can be there to provide the paradigm of love and support that you never received. Don’t give up!
Please be careful labeling yourself. codependency can look like narcissism. Labels are less important than getting professional help. Unhealthy is unhealthy. Anyone is capable of becoming healthy. 👍
Well Explained [Survival Mode] Complex Trauma 🎡Cycles Feed Off Themselves 🤔💭💡Sooo True ….Through The Child’s Eyes = Shame= Blames Self Internally. Self -Talk By Itself Does Not Make It Go Away. It MUST Be Worked Through ……. Still Gotta Walk It Out 🚶🚶🚶🚶
I have absolutely watched every video on narcissism that is available on UA-cam and this whole series is absolutely amazing. This has been an extremely well explained and informative series that has opened my eyes on how to actually move forward to get away from the narcissist in my life. There is not another group of videos that has completely done this. Thank you so much!!!❤
Yes, isn't this channel amazing? The most powerful and comprehensive video series that I've found on complex trauma, and I can't even begin to express how much it's helped me. So grateful I found it. And so grateful for Tim Fletcher.
Thank you thank you Tim, gratefully listening from NZ just discovered your channel tonight. I have prayed for a deeper understanding. Co narcissism label was a slap in my face I needed to heal and become whole again.
19 years of toxic chaos was enough for me, I divorced her after she discarded the children and I again. I’m working on my severe co dependency. It’s hard and I hope to succeed and recover. Please pray for me
To stay that long, we have to discard our own needs and boundaries...and not see our worth. We participate in self abandonment. If we treat ourselves this way, so will others. I wish you healing and peace.
@@Alphacentauri819 you are absolutely correct, luckily I’ve been able to work on myself and reflect. I love myself now and am happier then I have been in decades. Thank you
@@AZtoNC that's wonderful! I too have struggled with codependency, and had no clue, for years. I am coparenting with my ex and look back and see all the red flags I was previously blind to. I had self betrayed and abandoned, in relationships and friendships, going along to get along, to be liked, to keep peace, to feel safe...yet sometimes I'd be so resentful and lose it. Any negative expression of real feelings, was responded to poorly, invalidation, gaslighting, stonewalling.... I had a huge ah-ha, after much self work, that I had been invalidating, gas lighting myself, shutting off to myself. Whoa! It's a journey, but what a relief to learn to love oneself! May you be blessed, may you be well!
I was married for 30 years. Most of my church friends explained to me how God does not permit divorce. And I stayed. I prayed so much, and I asked God to save me. I became financially dependent upon him. The verbal, and emotional abuse was so intense, that I found myself constantly shaking and crying. Recently my family stepped up, and gave me a place to live and a job. My son and I left. The road to recovery has been difficult.
Christ doesn't want people to stay in abuse. Separation is absolutely permitted for a valid marriage due to abuse. Annulment for invalid marriages. Bible in a year podcast with Father Mike Schmitz is amazing. Some simply don't understand what Scripture actually says. May St Monica pray to God for you, she knows what it was like.
I can’t remember where, but in the Bible Christ talks of how marriage for a lifetime is not the only way. He speaks of a man letting a woman go and other instances of being single. Christ makes it clear a single person can be just as spiritual. Churches can be bizarre in how they operate; remember the people who crucified Christ were top church members. There are great churches, but never let yourself be manipulated.
My thanks to Pastor Fletcher for being here on UA-cam and teaching those of us who are hungry for the knowledge he shares. I appreciate the loving way he conveys the truth regarding codependency. It's great to see the light, so that I can learn my way out of the unhealthy ways I've known for too many years.
The terminology is mixed up here. A codependent can adopt narc behaviours if all their sacrifices amount to nothing. They can retaliate by acting like the narcissist, but feel uncomfortable doing it - basically murdering their own soul. A codependent is needy, a narcissist is entitled. A codependent is capable of empathy - looking at where people's needs are and trying to meet them. A narcissist does nothing of the sort but will love bomb in a more extravagant way to keep you hooked/addicted. The occassional 'fix' to create a trauma bond. A codependent wants to be useful. A narc doesn't.
You can change your triggers. All you have to do is invest in a project you enjoy. Stop loving your life and start working daily to repair it. Take classes and get in recovery. Doesn't matter your addiction. You can break them chains. It just takes time to develop healthy boundaries.
This is a beautiful message and I am so happy to be learning this. I prayed God would show me the way so that I don’t make the same mistake with my baby. It’s going to be a learning experience for sure 🙏
At first I was also shaking… but thank God for Accurate knowledge here! Now that I know I have a little more work on learning how to protect my mental and emotional state while getting away from my Narc.
Those kids are me, my sister, and my brother. We played exactly those roles for this past 30 years!! This explanation is very very very clear and so relatable to me. Thank you so much for this!!
That's not what a covert narc is. A Covert flies under the radar. But they cheat and manipulate and lie and gaslight without much remorse. Life is about them, and what they want to do, with little regard to anyone else's needs. A codependent is usually honest and loving and wants to be special. They will give without receiving reciprocal, with the hope eventually they will be loved in return. Two very different sets of morals.
Codependent people can be like narcs whrn in relationships with them, but it's reactive abuse or some other form of abuse. If when you are out of the relationship and the narc is out of your life and you are still loving and giving then you are not a covert narc.
@@AnaNas-bm2uv good way to put it, I agree with you, and sadly I retaliated with behavior like his because it was literally the only way to get through to him. They don't hear words. They feel it when their own actions are done back to them though... and they don't like it at all!
I was confused by conarcissist vs covert narcissist. He makes them sound one in the same. I just left my narcissist husband after 27 years, and my needs wants etc were never recognized. I was a slave to everything he wanted, and my job was to adore and please him. I have always had love and empathy for others, and love to help people to the detriment of myself. This video confuses me.
@@leighupton1284 This might help: the fact that you were wiling to be a slave, for 27 years, that you were able to adore and please, never rebelled, never claimed anything for yourself, is what a co narcissist is. The co narcissist enables the narcissist, to be a narcissist. There is no narcissist without a co narcissist, the "sun" and the "earth". The narcissist is the "sun", the co narcissist (the co dependent partner of the narcissist) is the earth. Together they form a universe, where everything is about them. About the co narcissist's "victimhood", and the narcissist's "superiority". Believe it or not, you got something out of being the victim for so many years, it validated you in some way, subconsciously. If it didn't, if it were 100% unpleasant, you would have ended the relationship much sooner (unless the narcissist held you violently, but even then, you would have been willing to risk your life to leave him or her) This is what is so painful, and messed up, about these relationships. That we actually seek them out, and tolerate them, willingly, because on some level it is what we want, it is what we have been programmed to want by our upbringing. Good luck.
Absolutely the BEST series of understanding that I have EVER experienced in my LIFE. You my friend, are a BLESSING BEYOND WORDS! . God bless you ALWAYS AND IN ALL WAYS!
38 years..... But God never gave up on me. I am free now, healing and living the life he always had in mind for me. I was in a narc relationship. Not anymore. And Im embracing Trust, Honesty and Respect. Learning who I am. And God has brought me a help mate who understands.
Very good man and teacher. I never feel condemnation by listen to him, never. He just expalining the facts and give us solutions which is in God and to going through hard work on your trauma which is very painfull. This is why so much people avoid it and going around hurting people. Thank you so much dr. Tim!! Happy New Year from Croatia and God bless you for doing His work - to help others. Big respect!
This is absolutely amazing. I’ve been raised in the church all my life and he is exactly right , it was so dysfunctional. Spiritual abuse is what I had been telling myself , but I couldn’t grasp the full extent. Thank you for explaining God and his love.
Thank you so Much for sharing these Teachings Pastor Tim. I’m continuing to learn and heal. It may take my whole life but that’s okay. It’s totally worth it.
I have never heard a Pastor share these truths and it is soooo good to know he is truly pursuing healing for His Church and has made this series available to The Church!
Struggling with concept of narcissism. My co-dependant relationships were always about someone needing me, caring for me as a person, seeking kindness BUT had to be the most important person in their life, because I had always come second/third , been excluded in my traumatic childhood. Have been searching for what seems ages for someone to link cPTSD with co-dependency. Learned so much from first presentation … thank you Tim Fletcher
Its very important to diffrentiate between being in survival mode and being self centered and real narcissism. Real narcs thirve on concious manipulation, bringing other people down, and using them.
I was all like "oh maybe he doesn't know me that well" and then he went and said "turns into the comedian". Shit! he did it again, my compulsive search for finding humor in everything for attention, my use of humor in uncomfortable situations to diffuse them. This guy doesn't miss.
Humor is one of our healthiest coping or defense) mechanisms, so don’t feel too bad! We all have to cope somehow! From what i learned. The “best “ way to cope is sublimation. But we all use defense mechanisms to manage stress and anxiety. Thank heavens we are human. Have self compassion and self forgiveness and know you did the best you could .
Someone here wrote: The CoNarc is needy, the Narc is entitled. Short and exact. The Co avoids to act bad, the Narc does not. The Co is ashamed for his mistakes. The Narc is not able to recognise any selfmade mistakes while projekting them to others. Morally, a big difference in the eyes of a Christian.
This is the best series on CPTSD i've come across so far. I had an extremely chaotic and difficult childhood., my dad is a covert narcissist, mother probably has CPTSD / borderline personality disorder. I have 3 other brothers and we are all estranged from each other and also from our parents. youngest brother is a toxic narcissist who stole a lot of money from my dad for years but my dad knew and covered up for him for a long time. It was only a few years ago at the age of 37 that i learnt about what a covert narc is, and realised that my dad is one, and that we all suffered from narcissistic abuse.... and this explained the depression, anxiety, and shame i lived with most of my life. Your explanation about narcissism is helping me understand why my youngest brother turned out the way he did. I was the blacksheep of the family, and also the cycle breaker. I have been LC for a few years now and rebuilding my life. Thanks for sharing this.
I'm 50 and only in the last few years come to realise what the **** has been going on in my life. Single for many years. Unlikely I will ever feel healthy love.
Yes so true they twist everything and we argue with them and then the courts took my precious sweet children away from me and I was and have been wrecked since then and she is 16 and doesn’t talk to me because of him and what I went through with what he did to us it’s wrecked them too my two kids one is an adult now! We all need help.. I want my kids back!!! Please God bring me the help I need..
I think... I am a codependent Narrsisist (not all 18) , I started watching videos wondering if my boyfriend was and the more videos I watch I realize that I am both... My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a full blown Narrsisist.. I really need help and am praying God helps me through Therapy and reprogramming.. I am also so traumatized from my childhood that I'm hurting..
You're super young and already figuring it out! That's amazing. I hope you can get some support, but you already know the right decisions. And know, you need to look out for yourself. Don't mistake this for narcicism. I was abused and if I object in any way, I was too selfish and emotional. That's the B. S. they all resort to and don't believe it for a minute.
whatever you do, never think "you can do it all by yourself", always reach out when you need people, always. Not reaching out, or pretending they need you, when you need them, is the beginning of narcissism, the false self, feeling invulnerable. You are not. You need people. You need love. Always remember that. Good luck. 🧡
Totally understand. Hit the same realisation recently. Just remember how amazing, strong, brave, positive and forward moving it is to just realise and accept and know that you’re a co dependant with narcissistic injury. In your self reflection and admittance that’s the hardest part of the battle. Most narcissistic injury is too deep to even see it’s own injury and begin healing. So all of us should be proud and take the positives in that. Be loving to us like the love we never received properly. 🙏🏻
You are not alone and you can overcome. Discovered Pastor Tim today and I’m blown away by his knowledge. Another great resource is @crappychildhoodfairy. Blessings on your journey 🙏
I don’t fit the criteria of a co-narcissist but I do as a codependent. It’s a blanket statement to determine that you can only be a narcissist and co-narcissist. So many variables to consider. No matter in the end. I will continue to learn about codependency and break free.
I agree completely. I was raised as a co dependent by my abusive alcoholic mother. And while I have lived in survival mode. I have never put my needs above others to which has been a disservice to myself. He's got some good points. But I would never assume the position or title of a co Narcissist. I do know that ad humans we can all have narcissistic tendencies, but there are those who have mastered it and embody it.
i’m glad he did go so into this despite being in the same boat as you guys. i think it’s very reflective of other abusive situations i have seen in my life.
Neglect needs to be addressed as equally harmful to children. Especially as it relates to codependency and a fear of abandonment. It’s not just overt abuse which is easy to identify with. Neglect is an enormous factor and most Gen Xers in particular had this experience growing up as our Boomer parents were raised (often) with physical abuse so the boomers believe they were great parents bc they didn’t hit their kids. They were often so disconnected and dissociated and many, many of us were neglected. Our parents had no clue where we were from sun-up until the street lights come on. We may not have been physically abused but we certainly weren’t safe.
Great explanation, I've already observed this ,both in myself and others, but you put it in words that make more clear sense than I ever heard before. Thank you
I myself only saw my picture in the class photo for over 35 years and recently when I got a chance I tried to look at others in the class too. I had a traumatic incident a couple of times but I did get lot of chances to change but my procrastination and impulsive twitches got the best of me. Hoping to conquer them and be less of the Director and just be an actor 🙏🙏🙏
Tim I have no idea how you got educated in psych but in my opinion you have a better grasp of cptsd and related things than many academics I have read. Amazing.
Thank you Tim for giving me the awareness of what’s happening in my narcissistic relationship. Before I was totally blind to it but now just knowing what’s happening and being able to SEE has made all the difference in coping.
I had the narcissist who was never honest about himself and used manipulation to meet his needs. The WWIII trigger is absolutely true … especially when rejected. Jealousy is the red flag. The covert narcissist.
This is one of the best sermons I have ever heard on multiple levels. So much was covered and explained. And this will be shared to a friend of mine who needs this. Bless you
What an amazingly clear and thorough explanation of narcissism, codependency, and how trauma, behavior and pain are passed down from generation to generation. Thank you for being there Tim, for your enormous commitment and your warm heart.❤Cathrine
@brandywilleford9157 I don't think calling them "evil" is really helpful. Narcissistic abuse can be terribly harmful, and victims deserve help on their journey to a healed and empowered state. Tbh, those of us identifying with narcissistic traits need some positive perspective in order to heal. Believing that one is evil to the core/doomed to hurt others can take away any sense of accountability for one's behavior.
Big fan of this guy, he's helped me a lot with his videos. This one? Not so much. These traits r literally so common. Its understandable to be an asshole, it doesnt make you a narcissist. Please dont judge / punish urself anymore for having defence mechs. If you didnt have them, you wouldnt have made it far enuf in life to watch this video.
I'm a survivour of a high-control Christian church and I follow a very different faith path now, so I _very_ much appreciate the title card that says, "Coming Up Next: Christian Teaching for those interested". Thank you for letting the non-christians among us easily skip this part.
The information he is providing in the Christian part is amazing, even if your path is different now, he has brought truth and clarity with a corrected perspective linked to his teaching, I really encourage you to watch it! It has blessed me and renewed my mind about my faith perspective and stance
I don't think I'm a full blow narcissist yet, but since my last relationship (abusive) I find myself sometimes thinking things that justify actions like "I know X is wrong, but I'm just trying to survive" or sometimes I minimize guilt because I think of how I totally lost myself in my last relationship so I kind of assume that I should elevate my needs because obviously everyone will just ignore them like every other time. I went from selfless to selfish and I hate it. But it's because I no longer trust anyone to meet my needs so I assume their incompetence at it from the start. Hard to love anyone when you look at them like a small child that just wrecked your kitchen because they wanted to 'help' bake. Like, "Oh thanks for the effort, now get out I'll do it myself." There is also a heighten awareness that if I allow others to help that they may expect something from me in return. I don't want to be needed anymore, I'm tired.
Jessica, you don’t want to be needed, that’s not healthy; you want to be wanted and desired, not needed. A person that “wants” to be near you because of who you are, not because they want something from you except love and respect and to reach goals together and share and rejoice on each other’s growth.
This really reminds me of a guy I briefly dated. He and his ex-wife's relationship is exactly this - he's running around in circles trying to make her happy, and he's completely drained and depleted after 19 years with her. It was impossible for me to be loved and accepted by him, and I doubt it that he can ever open his heart to anyone again. I've learned my lessons, and I've learned that someone like that is very unlikely to fall in love fully and truthfully ever again the way they could've.
My childhood was bad. I had several people abuse me mentally physically and emotionally. I have bipolar so it's just an act of God. But I'm getting stronger. I hope to overcome codependency by rewiring my thoughts to depend on my self. By working hard and seeking good fellowship. I believe I can change
Spot on! I need to learn how to get out and STAY OUT. He is a co-dependant (on me)and a narcissist. But, he act on cues just not to lose me. I'm an empath. Got to get away after almost 3 years. Too much
I don't remember life before the shame started I almost feel like I was just born that way but then I saw videos of a small boy singing and smiling so endlessly. I don't know what happened
100%. My mom is the narc and my dad was definitely a co-narc. He wasn’t as bad as my mom. But he was also as neglectful and ended up abandoning us in the end.
I don't agree with that. Having been a child of an alcoholic, raised as a co-dependent, I was not a co-narcissist. I have always put others before myself. I was once told by my career coach that I had to stop helping others at my own expense. As a survivor of sexual abuse I have lived the better majority of my life in survival mode, but I have never put my needs before others and that has cost me dearly.
I, too, lived that childhood. I recognise I've self sabotaged to meet the other person's needs before recognising mine. I'd certainly say my parent isn't a narc, but maybe one of her parents was? I link my parent strongly to the fearful avoidant attachment style. Very low self-esteem, coping mechanisms that seem very rash to the open eye, addictions...
I was the youngest, I went invisible as much as I could as I was being turned into the scapegoat. I turned my family into cps, went into foster care. I'm not special or unique. I am my own best friend. My needs will only be taken care of by me. I don't want or trust being dependent on anyone.
@@MelissaR784 yes it was, my first was a bit sketchy and there was no privacy but also no yelling, screaming, touching, I didn't feel threatened. My second was nice, I got to see how a real family treated each other, it was almost serene. My foster mother was easy to talk to and I felt like she genuinely cared about me. There was no judgement on that home.
I noticed certain things that i thought were sort of "fixable" but as time went on things got worst, but i dont give in to the narc. Im actually very self sufficient and confident in who i am.
This guy is brilliant I’m a narcissist but I don’t want to be. I love people and honor most. I do. I respect people and I love people. I have some narcissism traits but I know that and I’m always working on that part of me. I encourage others motivate others etc. it’s not a good trait I admit. Know better do better
Sloppy thinking 😂 We are all the manifestations of a loving creator that connects us through ❤ We are a grand experiment of free will, compassion and love. Let’s live up to it 💯☮️❤️😄
This is so succinct. Would you be able to talk about a narcissistic son of an ASD1 father? The ability for a narcissist to manipulate a vulnerable, mind blind, guilt and shame based father.
When Tim says bad events occurring to you are because of secondary causes, what it means is that after Adam and Eve failed and fell from His grace, the human race and the earth were cursed. So humanity in its entirety is under a curse and doomed to fail and suffer UNLESS they accept Jesus as their Redeemer of the original curse and sin of disobedience to God. By accepting Jesus sacrifice on the Cross for the trespassing of Gods will , one becomes free of the curse and the original sin of disobedience. Still, bad things happen because we live on a fallen world.Meanwhile you plead with God for His mercy and grace while living in a fallen world and He answers your prayers. And Christian’s expect the resurrection of an inmortal glorious body and New heaven and earth , according to the Scriptures.
Ouch. Ouch. I mean already I knew I was probably a co-narcissist/Codependent in my ex relationship. Still hurts 😅 glad I got out of the relationship only a few months into it. I got stuff to work on now with my EMDR therapist. Gotta work on my shame, my lack of self respect & self worth, and my core belief that everyone else is my responsibility.
Fuck Tim, that co-narcissist definitely cut to my core. You explain C-PTSD so clearly in a way that resonates unlike any other speaker I've heard. I was diagnosed this year with adhd and prescribed stimulant meds that have been a Godsend and then immediately after I started delving into c-ptsd and emdr therapy and this is all so disheartening and exhausting. It's also liberating to know I'm not a freak. I've lived alone in my head 35 years in a prison of shame and neurodivergence and just feeling alien. I'm beginning to understand how normal I am.
I heard narcissism doesn't always come from extreme cruelty people who are golden childs or grow up in a everybody for themselves family like where people didn't pay attention to each other can breed narcissism
Yeah i have been a codependant but ive overcame it now i feed the narc little to nothing as my self esteem has reached the point where shame isnt over arching anymore and i actually feel good about myself alot of the time. So now i give nothing but honesty and the narc knows i wont feed it. I would say one of my other siblings is the co-narc/mirror.
They have false humility. They talk down to people They're the expert on EVERYTHING They start devaluing slowly, a small comment about you, your friends and family. They think you can never replace them even tho they're losers YOUR THE PROBLEM ITS YOUR FAULT
I always love the first part but when it turns religious I have a hard time. I found this while searching Complex PTSD. I left religion for exactly what he talks about - the fear mongering. I listen to all of it but as a non religious person I’d rather hear about god as a higher power or the universe.
I agree with leaving out the religious hoopla. Many of us suffered religious abuse from a narcissistic pastor or church. It makes me discount the stuff he said that I do agree with. This probably is that church based 12 step cult that shames people into sobriety. Celebrate Recovery.
I am a Christian, but I also find Tim's view of God really bad. I think the idea that we're either completely free or God is puppeteering us as a false dichotomy. We see all over scripture God being in control of the situation, while still holding people accountable for their actions. This is something many theologians wrestle over for their whole lives so I don't think I can ease the tension of God's sovereignty and human responsibility in a UA-cam comment. However I think this pastor's characterization of God as "sitting on his hands" is terrifying and a misunderstanding of basic theology.
This is just a sad twisted situation and condition...25:00 minutes in...you say you can tell a Narc by how they act when they get "triggered" but a co-narc can take it only so long and the Narc knows the buttons to push to create a triggered meltdown and give more shame to their Co-dependent Narc. Also a lot of co-narcs can't help but be jealous and Narcs will play on that and trigger those feelings of insecurity on purpose...plus the Narc is usually surrounded by flying monkeys while the co Narc has been left isolated in shame, abandonment and confusion! Co-Narcs get hurt easily too from all the inflicted abuse and shame by the Narc...this can get so confusing...
Just run as fast as you can if either of these individuals enter your growing g world. It's confusing when we try and change it, or, stick around thinking it gets better, or live as though it isn't happening. Denial is powerful but once away from them, you'll gain tremendous clarity.
I am confused by this new (?) diagnosis: Is the co-narcissist not a co-dependent, which he so clearly describes? Did he change the term just because the narcissist is not by definition a dependent/addict, which teh term co-dependnet means Although many of us agree that we are dependent on people to help obsessively to feel calm thinking we are good and important ?Or is Co-narcissist it own kind, like a milder form of NPD? - Too sleep-deprived to function ow. Hope you get me.
@@jndevries2 Only, if everybody runs, they get no chance to see themselves, become more aware, strat working and changing. A kind mirror might be more they taught me the hard way that I must heal and move into my body, get grounded and self-caring, otherwise I'll only attract more of them.helpful. I dont want to de-humanize and shun them, they have feelings and insecurity too and that doesn't heal the world. I have known for very long that I had to heal or change. but not got me or how to.
@@Medietos you just have to want to change and then take action. I’m struggling so much right now and my whole world is in limbo...but I’ve known I need to figure out how to change bc I’m so super critical of everything I do, blame myself for sny situation that goes wrong (like my boyfriend leaving me and going back home and now I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces, uncertain of my relationship, but have him blocked so I don’t stare at my phone obsessively snd ruin my already terrible focus at work. The biggest thing I’ve realized is that I need validation from others to feel good shout myself, and working from home and not interacting with people, I’ve lost myself. I truly lost all hope and then I stumbled on these topics and CoDA snd I’m so hopeful this was the missing link to help me get to the person I deserve to be-someone who loves herself, feels comfortable in her own skin, and is able to help others in any way I can to feel their best selves. Wow, word vomit. Sorry, I haven’t talked to anyone about this so now it’s just out here in the ether. Yikes. Sending love and light to everyone who wants to find and value themselves ❤️
Sometimes angels are put in the most horrendous situations from birth onwards. Heal and love yrself is number 1! If yr in sorrow, go and help someone else, the more you give love out, the more you realize that yr life and you have changed. And you slowly turn to healing with sharing your story . Learn Jesus teachings, A choice I made with Jesus that is my friend, told me , then you can help others going through the same situation. Keep yr chin up and share yr light!! You might help someone! And yr helping yrself too , without even realizing it! ✌ ❤ 🌞 🙏
Consider reading the abridged Gulag Archipelago. Solzhenitsyn masterfully describes our battle between choosing good or evil and how some people choose evil so often, they can no longer return to the good. Their ideology is screwed up and they believe that their evil is good.
This was a 24 yr marriage. Today I am taking the time to spend on healing me. Severe narc/addict relationship I surrender to my roll in the marriage. I did not matter, I felt worthless. I am grateful that I am fearless to uncover where I need to be. Therapy,reading these videos help Immensely. The gift to me is to recognize these things in me I send grace to my ex to find recovery I could no longer echo his unhealthy Nature & his self medicating. I thank God that I recognized what I was doing. The isolation was more than I could bare any longer. It’s been 9 months divorce final & I feel the light of a new day
As I had two narcissist parents, so no wonder I am so messed up. As I am now approaching 60 years old, its to late to do anything about it, nice to have an understanding of what makes me the person I am though.
This is so sad, I don’t know what you’ve been through exactly but it’s NEVER too late. God can heal you if you ask Him!! He is so faithful even though we are all messed up in some ways. That’s why we have and need a Savior! Cling to Jesus, no matter how old you are!
You are not late.. many people find it out at their 80s.. you can just read the comments and see many... There is no age for healing and feeling better 😊
I am a therapist and I am not familiar with the term co-narcissist; but it sounds like you are the enabler of the narcissist and there is a selfish interior motive behind of fulfilling your childhood wound. For the codependent feeling needed and important is vital, so much so that picks people that may “need” him or her. So, the thing in a relationship where both are focused on fulfilling their childhood wound is that then they are not really in a building a healthy relationship, lol where both individuals grow, they are using the relationship to feed in their own ego.
No, you're muddling two things. A co-narcissist is a collapsed narcissist who gains their supply through reflection from their narcissist. This is an extreme codependent relationship. There are many other codependents who aren't co-narcissists. Covert narcissists are full narcissists who hide their narcissism and gain supply through covert means and usually by manipulation and ruling from the bottom (narcissism is the belief you're unique/special not better)
He doesn't say that,but He does say one of the 2 People in a Co-dependent Relationship are ALWAYS a Narcissist and one is a Co- Narcissist....is that even a real term? A Co- Narcissist??? Never heard that term used ,ever!
Alot of the reaction to narc abuse looks like narcissism and is in some ways narcisstic. However as soon as you are out of the abuse/survival mode you are no longer acting in those ways…. I think the way he frames it shames the victim in an unhealthy way. But its definitly dysfunctional for sure.
I love this and agree with everything except the covert narcissist. I believe the covert narcissist is the life of the party person who everyone loves but behind closed doors their mask comes off and they treat their spouse and kids with abuse.
Who & how TRANSLATED the original biblical writings & why should I TRUST their version or interpretation??? I'll TRUST my own if or when I get to work with the original writings!!!
5:30 narcissism is a response to severe shame 8:30 narcissist needs a mirror to feed them and reflect back to them how wonderful they are 13:30 none of the things tried to get N's love worked, so developed shame
The absolute worst part is when they accuse you of being manipulative, you are the one being selfish, everything is about you... so they accuse you of what they are doing
Yep. My brother and his wife are toxic. They project non-stop.
Sooo true....
Classic trap. That’s counter blaming and projection. Weapons of a desperate child who got stuck. He said… you cannot argue because it will ALWAYS be turned back on you.
An accusation from a narcissist is a confession.
Agree
Didn’t know he was a Pastor, literally thought I was listening to a Psychologist
Great lecture!! Thank You!!
Where is he located
Manitoba, Canada.
I thought the same thing until 30 minutes in. He’s spot on with the codependency/narcissism dynamics.
Oh that’s makes sense now. I like it but, but I’m not a fan of Christianity
@@Change_Everything What is there to like? I think it's terrifying tidings of doom. Is there any hope?
I'm a covert narc & am working to CHANGE....ASAP!!
My childhood was HORRIBLE but there's still hope...even st 85! 😂😂😂
Have you researched your parents' childhoods to work out the origins of some of their behaviour?
Thanks for letting us know. Next time we meet, please identify yourself. Thanks.
I would try to work with a therapist, a good one. Sounds like you never lived with love. A therapist can be there to provide the paradigm of love and support that you never received. Don’t give up!
Please be careful labeling yourself. codependency can look like narcissism. Labels are less important than getting professional help. Unhealthy is unhealthy. Anyone is capable of becoming healthy. 👍
Well Explained [Survival Mode] Complex Trauma 🎡Cycles Feed Off Themselves 🤔💭💡Sooo True ….Through The Child’s Eyes = Shame= Blames Self Internally. Self -Talk By Itself Does Not Make It Go Away. It MUST Be Worked Through ……. Still Gotta Walk It Out 🚶🚶🚶🚶
I have absolutely watched every video on narcissism that is available on UA-cam and this whole series is absolutely amazing. This has been an extremely well explained and informative series that has opened my eyes on how to actually move forward to get away from the narcissist in my life.
There is not another group of videos that has completely done this. Thank you so much!!!❤
Yes, isn't this channel amazing? The most powerful and comprehensive video series that I've found on complex trauma, and I can't even begin to express how much it's helped me. So grateful I found it. And so grateful for Tim Fletcher.
Heidi Priebe also does a great job.
Yes Tim Fletcher is a pro like no other. He’s the top tier of understanding this
ME TOO!!
Thank you thank you Tim, gratefully listening from NZ just discovered your channel tonight. I have prayed for a deeper understanding. Co narcissism label was a slap in my face I needed to heal and become whole again.
19 years of toxic chaos was enough for me, I divorced her after she discarded the children and I again. I’m working on my severe co dependency. It’s hard and I hope to succeed and recover. Please pray for me
I'll pray for you friend, will you pray for me?
I will absolutely pray for you 🙏🙏
To stay that long, we have to discard our own needs and boundaries...and not see our worth. We participate in self abandonment.
If we treat ourselves this way, so will others.
I wish you healing and peace.
@@Alphacentauri819 you are absolutely correct, luckily I’ve been able to work on myself and reflect. I love myself now and am happier then I have been in decades. Thank you
@@AZtoNC that's wonderful!
I too have struggled with codependency, and had no clue, for years.
I am coparenting with my ex and look back and see all the red flags I was previously blind to. I had self betrayed and abandoned, in relationships and friendships, going along to get along, to be liked, to keep peace, to feel safe...yet sometimes I'd be so resentful and lose it. Any negative expression of real feelings, was responded to poorly, invalidation, gaslighting, stonewalling.... I had a huge ah-ha, after much self work, that I had been invalidating, gas lighting myself, shutting off to myself. Whoa!
It's a journey, but what a relief to learn to love oneself!
May you be blessed, may you be well!
This is profound... Describing my whole life!!!! Child of a full blown narcissist
Yes, this is me too. My whole life
I was married for 30 years. Most of my church friends explained to me how God does not permit divorce. And I stayed.
I prayed so much, and I asked God to save me. I became financially dependent upon him.
The verbal, and emotional abuse was so intense, that I found myself constantly shaking and crying.
Recently my family stepped up, and gave me a place to live and a job.
My son and I left.
The road to recovery has been difficult.
Christ doesn't want people to stay in abuse.
Separation is absolutely permitted for a valid marriage due to abuse.
Annulment for invalid marriages.
Bible in a year podcast with Father Mike Schmitz is amazing. Some simply don't understand what Scripture actually says.
May St Monica pray to God for you, she knows what it was like.
I can’t remember where, but in the Bible Christ talks of how marriage for a lifetime is not the only way. He speaks of a man letting a woman go and other instances of being single. Christ makes it clear a single person can be just as spiritual. Churches can be bizarre in how they operate; remember the people who crucified Christ were top church members. There are great churches, but never let yourself be manipulated.
What an honest and committed Pastor! Truly appreciate your bravery for teaching this series! Thank you for sharing this with the Body of Christ!
Yes! Truly. Well said.👍
My thanks to Pastor Fletcher for being here on UA-cam and teaching those of us who are hungry for the knowledge he shares. I appreciate the loving way he conveys the truth regarding codependency. It's great to see the light, so that I can learn my way out of the unhealthy ways I've known for too many years.
The terminology is mixed up here. A codependent can adopt narc behaviours if all their sacrifices amount to nothing. They can retaliate by acting like the narcissist, but feel uncomfortable doing it - basically murdering their own soul. A codependent is needy, a narcissist is entitled. A codependent is capable of empathy - looking at where people's needs are and trying to meet them. A narcissist does nothing of the sort but will love bomb in a more extravagant way to keep you hooked/addicted. The occassional 'fix' to create a trauma bond. A codependent wants to be useful. A narc doesn't.
Thank you x I agree
I think you just don’t want to take any ownership of your dysfunctional patterns 🤷♀️
@@holism oh, yeah okay. You’re right codependents are totally innocent always 😂😂😂 empaths
@@nicolederbyshire4915Yes we have to be brutally honest with ourselves about our part in the chaotic relationship.
@@SamStone1964completely agree
You can change your triggers.
All you have to do is invest in a project you enjoy.
Stop loving your life and start working daily to repair it.
Take classes and get in recovery.
Doesn't matter your addiction.
You can break them chains.
It just takes time to develop healthy boundaries.
Loving all these videos back to back , much appreciation and much respect for finding freedom and Tim Fletcher.
Darn straight.
This is a beautiful message and I am so happy to be learning this. I prayed God would show me the way so that I don’t make the same mistake with my baby. It’s going to be a learning experience for sure 🙏
I'm shaking while listening to this.I didn't know I married a toxic narc.
I hope you’re okay .. ima pray for you
At first I was also shaking… but thank God for Accurate knowledge here! Now that I know I have a little more work on learning how to protect my mental and emotional state while getting away from my Narc.
Those kids are me, my sister, and my brother. We played exactly those roles for this past 30 years!! This explanation is very very very clear and so relatable to me. Thank you so much
for this!!
I appreciated the clarity in his explanations, also.
Brilliant. Summarizing the last 30 years of my life. Just brilliant. So freaking grateful!
I wish I had a counselor like Tim years ago.
That's not what a covert narc is.
A Covert flies under the radar. But they cheat and manipulate and lie and gaslight without much remorse. Life is about them, and what they want to do, with little regard to anyone else's needs.
A codependent is usually honest and loving and wants to be special. They will give without receiving reciprocal, with the hope eventually they will be loved in return. Two very different sets of morals.
Codependent people can be like narcs whrn in relationships with them, but it's reactive abuse or some other form of abuse.
If when you are out of the relationship and the narc is out of your life and you are still loving and giving then you are not a covert narc.
@@AnaNas-bm2uv good way to put it, I agree with you, and sadly I retaliated with behavior like his because it was literally the only way to get through to him. They don't hear words. They feel it when their own actions are done back to them though... and they don't like it at all!
I was confused by conarcissist vs covert narcissist. He makes them sound one in the same. I just left my narcissist husband after 27 years, and my needs wants etc were never recognized. I was a slave to everything he wanted, and my job was to adore and please him. I have always had love and empathy for others, and love to help people to the detriment of myself. This video confuses me.
@@leighupton1284 This might help:
the fact that you were wiling to be a slave, for 27 years, that you were able to adore and please, never rebelled, never claimed anything for yourself, is what a co narcissist is. The co narcissist enables the narcissist, to be a narcissist. There is no narcissist without a co narcissist, the "sun" and the "earth". The narcissist is the "sun", the co narcissist (the co dependent partner of the narcissist) is the earth. Together they form a universe, where everything is about them. About the co narcissist's "victimhood", and the narcissist's "superiority". Believe it or not, you got something out of being the victim for so many years, it validated you in some way, subconsciously. If it didn't, if it were 100% unpleasant, you would have ended the relationship much sooner (unless the narcissist held you violently, but even then, you would have been willing to risk your life to leave him or her)
This is what is so painful, and messed up, about these relationships. That we actually seek them out, and tolerate them, willingly, because on some level it is what we want, it is what we have been programmed to want by our upbringing.
Good luck.
@@leighupton1284I agree, for my experience is similar.
Absolutely the BEST series of understanding that I have EVER experienced in my LIFE. You my friend, are a BLESSING BEYOND WORDS! . God bless you ALWAYS AND IN ALL WAYS!
Yes so much better than Richard Grannon.
38 years..... But God never gave up on me. I am free now, healing and living the life he always had in mind for me. I was in a narc relationship. Not anymore. And Im embracing Trust, Honesty and Respect. Learning who I am. And God has brought me a help mate who understands.
Very good man and teacher. I never feel condemnation by listen to him, never. He just expalining the facts and give us solutions which is in God and to going through hard work on your trauma which is very painfull. This is why so much people avoid it and going around hurting people. Thank you so much dr. Tim!! Happy New Year from Croatia and God bless you for doing His work - to help others. Big respect!
This is absolutely amazing. I’ve been raised in the church all my life and he is exactly right , it was so dysfunctional. Spiritual abuse is what I had been telling myself , but I couldn’t grasp the full extent. Thank you for explaining God and his love.
I cannot thank you enough for your voice in these topics. I prayed for a missing puzzle piece and my prayer was answered when this video found me🙏🏼
Thank you so Much for sharing these Teachings Pastor Tim. I’m continuing to learn and heal. It may take my whole life but that’s okay. It’s totally worth it.
I found out this "ATTITUDE LET IT TAKE AS LONG AS IT TAKES IS A PART OF CODEPENDANCY"
Pastor Tim this has been extremely helpful. Thank you. Glory to God.
The best series I have ever heard. This is wonderful teaching. I have learned so much.
I have never heard a Pastor share these truths and it is soooo good to know he is truly pursuing healing for His Church and has made this series available to The Church!
Incredible series 🙏 Grateful
Struggling with concept of narcissism. My co-dependant relationships were always about someone needing me, caring for me as a person, seeking kindness BUT had to be the most important person in their life, because I had always come second/third , been excluded in my traumatic childhood. Have been searching for what seems ages for someone to link cPTSD with co-dependency. Learned so much from first presentation … thank you Tim Fletcher
Its very important to diffrentiate between being in survival mode and being self centered and real narcissism. Real narcs thirve on concious manipulation, bringing other people down, and using them.
I was all like "oh maybe he doesn't know me that well" and then he went and said "turns into the comedian". Shit! he did it again, my compulsive search for finding humor in everything for attention, my use of humor in uncomfortable situations to diffuse them. This guy doesn't miss.
Unfortunately,i also create/use humor as a coping mechanism.
Same here! But not any more
Humor is one of our healthiest coping or defense) mechanisms, so don’t feel too bad! We all have to cope somehow! From what i learned. The “best “ way to cope is sublimation. But we all use defense mechanisms to manage stress and anxiety. Thank heavens we are human. Have self compassion and self forgiveness and know you did the best you could .
Someone here wrote: The CoNarc is needy, the Narc is entitled. Short and exact. The Co avoids to act bad, the Narc does not. The Co is ashamed for his mistakes. The Narc is not able to recognise any selfmade mistakes while projekting them to others. Morally, a big difference in the eyes of a Christian.
This is the best series on CPTSD i've come across so far. I had an extremely chaotic and difficult childhood., my dad is a covert narcissist, mother probably has CPTSD / borderline personality disorder. I have 3 other brothers and we are all estranged from each other and also from our parents. youngest brother is a toxic narcissist who stole a lot of money from my dad for years but my dad knew and covered up for him for a long time. It was only a few years ago at the age of 37 that i learnt about what a covert narc is, and realised that my dad is one, and that we all suffered from narcissistic abuse.... and this explained the depression, anxiety, and shame i lived with most of my life. Your explanation about narcissism is helping me understand why my youngest brother turned out the way he did. I was the blacksheep of the family, and also the cycle breaker. I have been LC for a few years now and rebuilding my life. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you so much for all this information ,,it helps me alot ,,,,I've been severally traumatized since child hood,,I'm 52,,
I'm 58 and right with you
I'm 50 and only in the last few years come to realise what the **** has been going on in my life.
Single for many years. Unlikely I will ever feel healthy love.
Yes so true they twist everything and we argue with them and then the courts took my precious sweet children away from me and I was and have been wrecked since then and she is 16 and doesn’t talk to me because of him and what I went through with what he did to us it’s wrecked them too my two kids one is an adult now! We all need help.. I want my kids back!!! Please God bring me the help I need..
I think... I am a codependent Narrsisist (not all 18) , I started watching videos wondering if my boyfriend was and the more videos I watch I realize that I am both... My dad was an alcoholic and my mom was a full blown Narrsisist.. I really need help and am praying God helps me through Therapy and reprogramming.. I am also so traumatized from my childhood that I'm hurting..
You're super young and already figuring it out! That's amazing. I hope you can get some support, but you already know the right decisions. And know, you need to look out for yourself. Don't mistake this for narcicism. I was abused and if I object in any way, I was too selfish and emotional. That's the B. S. they all resort to and don't believe it for a minute.
Me too and I’m so broken by this
whatever you do, never think "you can do it all by yourself", always reach out when you need people, always. Not reaching out, or pretending they need you, when you need them, is the beginning of narcissism, the false self, feeling invulnerable. You are not. You need people. You need love. Always remember that.
Good luck. 🧡
Totally understand. Hit the same realisation recently. Just remember how amazing, strong, brave, positive and forward moving it is to just realise and accept and know that you’re a co dependant with narcissistic injury. In your self reflection and admittance that’s the hardest part of the battle. Most narcissistic injury is too deep to even see it’s own injury and begin healing. So all of us should be proud and take the positives in that. Be loving to us like the love we never received properly. 🙏🏻
You are not alone and you can overcome. Discovered Pastor Tim today and I’m blown away by his knowledge. Another great resource is @crappychildhoodfairy. Blessings on your journey 🙏
I don’t fit the criteria of a co-narcissist but I do as a codependent. It’s a blanket statement to determine that you can only be a narcissist and co-narcissist. So many variables to consider. No matter in the end. I will continue to learn about codependency and break free.
He said at the beginning there is a spectrum with narcissist/co-narcissist being the most extreme.
I agree completely. I was raised as a co dependent by my abusive alcoholic mother. And while I have lived in survival mode. I have never put my needs above others to which has been a disservice to myself. He's got some good points. But I would never assume the position or title of a co Narcissist. I do know that ad humans we can all have narcissistic tendencies, but there are those who have mastered it and embody it.
i’m glad he did go so into this despite being in the same boat as you guys. i think it’s very reflective of other abusive situations i have seen in my life.
Starting 2:00 he talks about how this is the severe end of the spectrum.
Neglect needs to be addressed as equally harmful to children. Especially as it relates to codependency and a fear of abandonment. It’s not just overt abuse which is easy to identify with. Neglect is an enormous factor and most Gen Xers in particular had this experience growing up as our Boomer parents were raised (often) with physical abuse so the boomers believe they were great parents bc they didn’t hit their kids. They were often so disconnected and dissociated and many, many of us were neglected. Our parents had no clue where we were from sun-up until the street lights come on. We may not have been physically abused but we certainly weren’t safe.
Neglect is a form of abuse, very overlooked. As is parentifying, emotional incest, etc
Great explanation, I've already observed this ,both in myself and others, but you put it in words that make more clear sense than I ever heard before.
Thank you
This is gold...a million talks on such dynamics combined in 1
Wow! This is the best explanation of codependency I’ve heard.
😅
I myself only saw my picture in the class photo for over 35 years and recently when I got a chance I tried to look at others in the class too. I had a traumatic incident a couple of times but I did get lot of chances to change but my procrastination and impulsive twitches got the best of me. Hoping to conquer them and be less of the Director and just be an actor 🙏🙏🙏
Tim I have no idea how you got educated in psych but in my opinion you have a better grasp of cptsd and related things than many academics I have read. Amazing.
Wow, mind blowing. Thank you so much. Born to heal, such a blessing to humanity....🙏
Thank you Tim for giving me the awareness of what’s happening in my narcissistic relationship. Before I was totally blind to it but now just knowing what’s happening and being able to SEE has made all the difference in coping.
I had the narcissist who was never honest about himself and used manipulation to meet his needs. The WWIII trigger is absolutely true … especially when rejected. Jealousy is the red flag. The covert narcissist.
I'm in WW3 with my covert narcissist spouse. He has every one of those 18 traits. Never, ever apologized for his behavior. I blocked the bastard
You have a way of breaking things down in the context of self and religion that priceless
Yes
Thank you for sharing your wisdom. 🙏 Your content heals me bit for bit..
This is very very good. It makes a lot more sense and has answered a lot of my thoughts too.
This is one of the best sermons I have ever heard on multiple levels. So much was covered and explained. And this will be shared to a friend of mine who needs this. Bless you
What an amazingly clear and thorough explanation of narcissism, codependency, and how trauma, behavior and pain are passed down from generation to generation. Thank you for being there Tim, for your enormous commitment and your warm heart.❤Cathrine
Very professional.
Absolutely love it.
Clear, helpful, judgement free.
Thank you for the work done!
I used to think narcissism just meant someone was pathologically vain about their good looks. Lol
Lol oh noooo,they are so EVIL...just evil
@brandywilleford9157 I don't think calling them "evil" is really helpful. Narcissistic abuse can be terribly harmful, and victims deserve help on their journey to a healed and empowered state. Tbh, those of us identifying with narcissistic traits need some positive perspective in order to heal. Believing that one is evil to the core/doomed to hurt others can take away any sense of accountability for one's behavior.
Big fan of this guy, he's helped me a lot with his videos. This one? Not so much. These traits r literally so common. Its understandable to be an asshole, it doesnt make you a narcissist. Please dont judge / punish urself anymore for having defence mechs. If you didnt have them, you wouldnt have made it far enuf in life to watch this video.
I'm a survivour of a high-control Christian church and I follow a very different faith path now, so I _very_ much appreciate the title card that says, "Coming Up Next: Christian Teaching for those interested".
Thank you for letting the non-christians among us easily skip this part.
The information he is providing in the Christian part is amazing, even if your path is different now, he has brought truth and clarity with a corrected perspective linked to his teaching, I really encourage you to watch it! It has blessed me and renewed my mind about my faith perspective and stance
Yes brother ❤Spread the word for humanity ❤
I don't think I'm a full blow narcissist yet, but since my last relationship (abusive) I find myself sometimes thinking things that justify actions like "I know X is wrong, but I'm just trying to survive" or sometimes I minimize guilt because I think of how I totally lost myself in my last relationship so I kind of assume that I should elevate my needs because obviously everyone will just ignore them like every other time. I went from selfless to selfish and I hate it. But it's because I no longer trust anyone to meet my needs so I assume their incompetence at it from the start. Hard to love anyone when you look at them like a small child that just wrecked your kitchen because they wanted to 'help' bake. Like, "Oh thanks for the effort, now get out I'll do it myself." There is also a heighten awareness that if I allow others to help that they may expect something from me in return. I don't want to be needed anymore, I'm tired.
Jessica, you don’t want to be needed, that’s not healthy; you want to be wanted and desired, not needed. A person that “wants” to be near you because of who you are, not because they want something from you except love and respect and to reach goals together and share and rejoice on each other’s growth.
This really reminds me of a guy I briefly dated. He and his ex-wife's relationship is exactly this - he's running around in circles trying to make her happy, and he's completely drained and depleted after 19 years with her. It was impossible for me to be loved and accepted by him, and I doubt it that he can ever open his heart to anyone again. I've learned my lessons, and I've learned that someone like that is very unlikely to fall in love fully and truthfully ever again the way they could've.
My childhood was bad.
I had several people abuse me mentally physically and emotionally.
I have bipolar so it's just an act of God.
But I'm getting stronger.
I hope to overcome codependency by rewiring my thoughts to depend on my self. By working hard and seeking good fellowship.
I believe I can change
I'm on meds and I'm working daily to recover from toxic relationships with others.
Pray for deliverance.
peace be with you Krystal.
Bipolar is a scam diagnosis- psychiatric abuse. So once you heal emotionally- look into that.
Spot on! I need to learn how to get out and STAY OUT. He is a co-dependant (on me)and a narcissist. But, he act on cues just not to lose me. I'm an empath. Got to get away after almost 3 years. Too much
Thank you for recognizing Jesus as the way to heal.❤
I don't remember life before the shame started I almost feel like I was just born that way but then I saw videos of a small boy singing and smiling so endlessly. I don't know what happened
Narcissists dont admit they have issues. You will only see people with narcissistic traits admit they need help.
"Vulnerable Narcissist" will though, but they do this in setting or baiting a trap... Very sneaky they are
100%. My mom is the narc and my dad was definitely a co-narc. He wasn’t as bad as my mom. But he was also as neglectful and ended up abandoning us in the end.
I don't agree with that. Having been a child of an alcoholic, raised as a co-dependent, I was not a co-narcissist. I have always put others before myself. I was once told by my career coach that I had to stop helping others at my own expense. As a survivor of sexual abuse I have lived the better majority of my life in survival mode, but I have never put my needs before others and that has cost me dearly.
I, too, lived that childhood. I recognise I've self sabotaged to meet the other person's needs before recognising mine.
I'd certainly say my parent isn't a narc, but maybe one of her parents was?
I link my parent strongly to the fearful avoidant attachment style. Very low self-esteem, coping mechanisms that seem very rash to the open eye, addictions...
I went the other way, I gave up all of my needs in my childhood. Became a codependent.
Ditto.
I was the youngest, I went invisible as much as I could as I was being turned into the scapegoat. I turned my family into cps, went into foster care. I'm not special or unique. I am my own best friend. My needs will only be taken care of by me. I don't want or trust being dependent on anyone.
@@MelissaR784 yes it was, my first was a bit sketchy and there was no privacy but also no yelling, screaming, touching, I didn't feel threatened. My second was nice, I got to see how a real family treated each other, it was almost serene. My foster mother was easy to talk to and I felt like she genuinely cared about me. There was no judgement on that home.
I noticed certain things that i thought were sort of "fixable" but as time went on things got worst, but i dont give in to the narc. Im actually very self sufficient and confident in who i am.
This guy is brilliant
I’m a narcissist but I don’t want to be. I love people and honor most. I do. I respect people and I love people. I have some narcissism traits but I know that and I’m always working on that part of me. I encourage others motivate others etc. it’s not a good trait I admit. Know better do better
Narcissists also emerge from homes where an older sibling was extremely cruel and abusive ...
I believe so. My oldest daughter was pretty mean to my youngest daughter. As AA says- keep coming. A lot to figure out……
Sloppy thinking 😂 We are all the manifestations of a loving creator that connects us through ❤ We are a grand experiment of free will, compassion and love. Let’s live up to it 💯☮️❤️😄
This is so succinct. Would you be able to talk about a narcissistic son of an ASD1 father? The ability for a narcissist to manipulate a vulnerable, mind blind, guilt and shame based father.
I’m empowered by God I am know one without God through Jesus Christ. This is soo true in soo many way. This is good message
When Tim says bad events occurring to you are because of secondary causes, what it means is that after Adam and Eve failed and fell from His grace, the human race and the earth were cursed. So humanity in its entirety is under a curse and doomed to fail and suffer UNLESS they accept Jesus as their Redeemer of the original curse and sin of disobedience to God. By accepting Jesus sacrifice on the Cross for the trespassing of Gods will , one becomes free of the curse and the original sin of disobedience. Still, bad things happen because we live on a fallen world.Meanwhile you plead with God for His mercy and grace while living in a fallen world and He answers your prayers. And Christian’s expect the resurrection of an inmortal glorious body and New heaven and earth , according to the Scriptures.
Ouch. Ouch. I mean already I knew I was probably a co-narcissist/Codependent in my ex relationship. Still hurts 😅 glad I got out of the relationship only a few months into it. I got stuff to work on now with my EMDR therapist. Gotta work on my shame, my lack of self respect & self worth, and my core belief that everyone else is my responsibility.
Fuck Tim, that co-narcissist definitely cut to my core. You explain C-PTSD so clearly in a way that resonates unlike any other speaker I've heard. I was diagnosed this year with adhd and prescribed stimulant meds that have been a Godsend and then immediately after I started delving into c-ptsd and emdr therapy and this is all so disheartening and exhausting. It's also liberating to know I'm not a freak. I've lived alone in my head 35 years in a prison of shame and neurodivergence and just feeling alien. I'm beginning to understand how normal I am.
This has helped me soo much. It absolutely is like you know me, sir you are awesome 🎉🎉
Narc. And co Narci...makes total sense.....to me....thank u tim f. Love. Blessings to u
I heard narcissism doesn't always come from extreme cruelty people who are golden childs or grow up in a everybody for themselves family like where people didn't pay attention to each other can breed narcissism
Yes thats the other way.
Yes.
Guilty as charged
Yeah i have been a codependant but ive overcame it now i feed the narc little to nothing as my self esteem has reached the point where shame isnt over arching anymore and i actually feel good about myself alot of the time. So now i give nothing but honesty and the narc knows i wont feed it. I would say one of my other siblings is the co-narc/mirror.
Covert narcissist are the worst OMGGGG!
Wow, thank you for this. ❤
They have false humility.
They talk down to people
They're the expert on EVERYTHING
They start devaluing slowly, a small comment about you, your friends and family.
They think you can never replace them even tho they're losers
YOUR THE PROBLEM
ITS YOUR FAULT
Genius.God Given wisdom
This is wonderful. Thank you!
I always love the first part but when it turns religious I have a hard time. I found this while searching Complex PTSD. I left religion for exactly what he talks about - the fear mongering. I listen to all of it but as a non religious person I’d rather hear about god as a higher power or the universe.
I just wrote a similar comment. The first half of the talk is awesome and very informative. The second half is unbearable for me.
I agree with leaving out the religious hoopla. Many of us suffered religious abuse from a narcissistic pastor or church. It makes me discount the stuff he said that I do agree with. This probably is that church based 12 step cult that shames people into sobriety. Celebrate Recovery.
Yeah I see the Christian god and church as just another narcissistic parent.
Yeah I'm not sure if Tim is a fundamentalist or not. I'm repulsed by religious fundamentalism
I am a Christian, but I also find Tim's view of God really bad. I think the idea that we're either completely free or God is puppeteering us as a false dichotomy. We see all over scripture God being in control of the situation, while still holding people accountable for their actions. This is something many theologians wrestle over for their whole lives so I don't think I can ease the tension of God's sovereignty and human responsibility in a UA-cam comment. However I think this pastor's characterization of God as "sitting on his hands" is terrifying and a misunderstanding of basic theology.
People are not the real enemy it's the spirit s behind them we are fighting against
Jezebel and leviathan demons
This is just a sad twisted situation and condition...25:00 minutes in...you say you can tell a Narc by how they act when they get "triggered" but a co-narc can take it only so long and the Narc knows the buttons to push to create a triggered meltdown and give more shame to their Co-dependent Narc. Also a lot of co-narcs can't help but be jealous and Narcs will play on that and trigger those feelings of insecurity on purpose...plus the Narc is usually surrounded by flying monkeys while the co Narc has been left isolated in shame, abandonment and confusion! Co-Narcs get hurt easily too from all the inflicted abuse and shame by the Narc...this can get so confusing...
Just run as fast as you can if either of these individuals enter your growing g world. It's confusing when we try and change it, or, stick around thinking it gets better, or live as though it isn't happening. Denial is powerful but once away from them, you'll gain tremendous clarity.
Typo error g
I am confused by this new (?) diagnosis: Is the co-narcissist not a co-dependent, which he so clearly describes? Did he change the term just because the narcissist is not by definition a dependent/addict, which teh term co-dependnet means Although many of us agree that we are dependent on people to help obsessively to feel calm thinking we are good and important ?Or is Co-narcissist it own kind, like a milder form of NPD? - Too sleep-deprived to function ow. Hope you get me.
@@jndevries2 Only, if everybody runs, they get no chance to see themselves, become more aware, strat working and changing. A kind mirror might be more they taught me the hard way that I must heal and move into my body, get grounded and self-caring, otherwise I'll only attract more of them.helpful. I dont want to de-humanize and shun them, they have feelings and insecurity too and that doesn't heal the world.
I have known for very long that I had to heal or change. but not got me or how to.
@@Medietos you just have to want to change and then take action. I’m struggling so much right now and my whole world is in limbo...but I’ve known I need to figure out how to change bc I’m so super critical of everything I do, blame myself for sny situation that goes wrong (like my boyfriend leaving me and going back home and now I’m stuck trying to pick up the pieces, uncertain of my relationship, but have him blocked so I don’t stare at my phone obsessively snd ruin my already terrible focus at work. The biggest thing I’ve realized is that I need validation from others to feel good shout myself, and working from home and not interacting with people, I’ve lost myself. I truly lost all hope and then I stumbled on these topics and CoDA snd I’m so hopeful this was the missing link to help me get to the person I deserve to be-someone who loves herself, feels comfortable in her own skin, and is able to help others in any way I can to feel their best selves.
Wow, word vomit. Sorry, I haven’t talked to anyone about this so now it’s just out here in the ether. Yikes. Sending love and light to everyone who wants to find and value themselves ❤️
Sometimes angels are put in the most horrendous situations from birth onwards. Heal and love yrself is number 1! If yr in sorrow, go and help someone else, the more you give love out, the more you realize that yr life and you have changed. And you slowly turn to healing with sharing your story . Learn Jesus teachings, A choice I made with Jesus that is my friend, told me , then you can help others going through the same situation. Keep yr chin up and share yr light!! You might help someone! And yr helping yrself too , without even realizing it! ✌ ❤ 🌞 🙏
Bull. Shite! Heal- outside of the religious abusive framework!
I think everyone gets triggered and acts like a jerk occasionally. I disagree that this makes them a narc. It makes them human.
They don't do it occasionally and they have tantrums that rival a 4 yrs old.over almost everything. Disagree with them and watch the fit throwing
That is not what he said.
He said world war 3 breaks out.
It is also coinciding with at least half of the traits he mentioned first.
Consider reading the abridged Gulag Archipelago. Solzhenitsyn masterfully describes our battle between choosing good or evil and how some people choose evil so often, they can no longer return to the good. Their ideology is screwed up and they believe that their evil is good.
@@brendaharding8010 and I really like this guy and send him donations
@@rascallyrabbit the bible calls them hypocritical liars, having a conscience seared with a hot iron.
This was a 24 yr marriage. Today I am taking the time to spend on healing me. Severe narc/addict relationship
I surrender to my roll in the marriage.
I did not matter, I felt worthless.
I am grateful that I am fearless to uncover where I need to be.
Therapy,reading these videos help
Immensely.
The gift to me is to recognize these things in me
I send grace to my ex to find recovery
I could no longer echo his unhealthy
Nature & his self medicating.
I thank God that I recognized what I was doing. The isolation was more than I could bare any longer.
It’s been 9 months divorce final &
I feel the light of a new day
Leslie Vernick teachings are tremendous help for recovery.
As I had two narcissist parents, so no wonder I am so messed up. As I am now approaching 60 years old, its to late to do anything about it, nice to have an understanding of what makes me the person I am though.
It’s never too late.
This is so sad, I don’t know what you’ve been through exactly but it’s NEVER too late. God can heal you if you ask Him!! He is so faithful even though we are all messed up in some ways. That’s why we have and need a Savior! Cling to Jesus, no matter how old you are!
You are not late.. many people find it out at their 80s.. you can just read the comments and see many... There is no age for healing and feeling better 😊
So greatful for alll this info...i see myself. More clearly.....thank u tim f....and our beloved group...here and our beloved god source....xo
very good lecture on the matter and yes i will choose free will
I am a therapist and I am not familiar with the term co-narcissist; but it sounds like you are the enabler of the narcissist and there is a selfish interior motive behind of fulfilling your childhood wound. For the codependent feeling needed and important is vital, so much so that picks people that may “need” him or her. So, the thing in a relationship where both are focused on fulfilling their childhood wound is that then they are not really in a building a healthy relationship, lol where both individuals grow, they are using the relationship to feed in their own ego.
I think he said “covert” not co
No, you're muddling two things. A co-narcissist is a collapsed narcissist who gains their supply through reflection from their narcissist. This is an extreme codependent relationship. There are many other codependents who aren't co-narcissists. Covert narcissists are full narcissists who hide their narcissism and gain supply through covert means and usually by manipulation and ruling from the bottom (narcissism is the belief you're unique/special not better)
Did you mean ulterior motive?
I think you had a camera in my household growing up and currently with a narcissistic dad.
I don't agree that prolonged complex trauma turns everyone into a narcissist; maybe self conscious and cautious.
Yes, this is where he is wrong. Just another reason to be cautious with therapists -- some of them have crazy theories which can damage the client
@@positivevibes5684He's not even a Therapist,He's a Pastor.
He doesn't say that,but He does say one of the 2 People in a Co-dependent Relationship are ALWAYS a Narcissist and one is a Co- Narcissist....is that even a real term? A Co- Narcissist??? Never heard that term used ,ever!
@@LisaLisa-mx3hq me neither
Alot of the reaction to narc abuse looks like narcissism and is in some ways narcisstic. However as soon as you are out of the abuse/survival mode you are no longer acting in those ways…. I think the way he frames it shames the victim in an unhealthy way. But its definitly dysfunctional for sure.
My mother who was a closed head injury either became one or was one made a scene in every restaurant interaction
I never believed in god. And i was thinking he was cruel but after this video i think if god really exists he could be kind.
Bible in a year podcast with Father Mike Schmitz is fantastic. The heartbroken cry to Adam...
OMGG!!! You have just described my EX-BOYFRIEND to a T!!!! Lord Have Mercy!!! Thank you for this explanation!!! I know I am not crazy!!!
I love this and agree with everything except the covert narcissist. I believe the covert narcissist is the life of the party person who everyone loves but behind closed doors their mask comes off and they treat their spouse and kids with abuse.
I can relate to shutting off when things are bad
Who & how TRANSLATED the original biblical writings & why should I TRUST their version or interpretation??? I'll TRUST my own if or when I get to work with the original writings!!!
5:30 narcissism is a response to severe shame
8:30 narcissist needs a mirror to feed them and reflect back to them how wonderful they are
13:30 none of the things tried to get N's love worked, so developed shame