Why Closure Is Not Important (People W Attachment Issues Often Want To Force It)
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- Опубліковано 5 вер 2024
- Why closure is not important
Sometimes after a break up, our mind can go back and forth about things. We can replay things in our mind over and over again. We have intrusive thoughts that consume us.
Because we don’t know how to handle the uncertainty we want to force a resolution. This is unhealthy and unnatural.
The best way to handle it, especially if you want the other persons interest level to go up is to give them time and space.
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My girlfriend broke up with me but as time goes on, my interest level declines.
Yes I know that feeling
Prince 2514 same
It’s an unfortunate thing that I share...
Knowing that when I’ve finally lost interest in her, is when she’ll likely respond again.
Each day that passes I forget her touch, her love, and in time she’ll be nothing more than a faint memory.
And at that moment she’ll return.
@@josephgomez2249 did she return?
@@avenuempire probably not
The faces you make when reading people's emails are the best thing ever!
I love "No contact" because it works so well, it just sucks because every time they reach out (they always do) I've already lost pretty much all my feelings towards them. I might still care about them and maybe love them but that spark and liking them in THAT way is gone. It gets frustrating lol
But that's the goal. That way you can make a rational decision. If you aren't over them you woul just run to them. I am on month 3 and half of no contact. She contacted me a week and a half ago on some really indirect direct sh*t. If I told you , you'd probably fall out of your chair. I didn't reply because I still have feelings for her and am not sure if I really want her back. Had she contacted 2 or even a month ago I would have asked her to marry me lol.
@Munar Esen It is if you still want them back. If you aren't sure, like I was, you shouldn't because you aren't thinking straight since you still have feelings. I'm glad I didn't reply to her. I don't want her anymore and have no more feelings for her, and loving the bachelor life. I now have 4 different FWB's and other randoms here and there. The hell was I thinking.
This 100%. Why does it have to take them months to realise how good they had it?
Yea, me too…
This is just manipulation and mysogeny wrapped in "coaching" My ex tried to apply those inmature bullshit on me... Most women already know about those tricks and when we notice that... Believe me is OVER, you will automatically go from "this guy is my ex" to "this disgusting manipulator is out of my life, yay!"
No contact is a major beeotch... I've been in no contact with my ex for about 4 months. I'm staying strong and utilizing therapy to better myself! Good luck, all!
@andy bosik 3 years later and you’re totally right. Haha attachment is a bitch.
Also, I am better off without her! 😀
Did she ever reach out?
@@archangelelmo I don’t think so, but that’s not the point. We should focus on ourselves and becoming the best version of ourselves.
I almost fell from my chair laughing when I heard about the pet hamster escape LOL!!!
Rossana Motta I do fall from the chair with his side remarks!!
LMAO same! That gets the gold medal right there
by far the smartest coach on UA-cam
Because of you Craig I am less anxious! It’s going on a month now and so proud of myself! I have tried so many times and this is the longest! You can’t make them love you! I finally told him I’m done and have a date and am not waiting on him anymore! 8 years and I am done!
AWESOME VIDEO COACH! Wish I would had found this video in November 2016 when I forced closure. My anxiety is alot better now thank God!!!
Thank you. I was going to demand him to pick up his stuff. It’s been here for a month now. I guess I was secretly looking for closure. I’ll leave it alone.
you know your videos are so good and logical, Men who are suffering due to breakup chase after there ex womak n through fear she will move on and some other dude will pick her up, now thats bad for our ego as male. I mean your girl! wants some dude who doesnt even love her like you! who wont care for her like you! your thinking...come on...whats he got that i havnt??? looks! ,money! humour or even worse he beats you hands down on all three...The fact is by chasing someone who dumps you the only thing you need to show her if you want her back is one thing...thats self respect...show her you dont want a girl who doesnt what you equally..relationships are ment to be a two way street and if you lower your morals standards and except anything for your prize it will come back and bite you as people only treat you as you allow yourself to be treated in life.
David Ward well said.
Aye to that brother!
I did exactly this: I posted me hiking, my weight lost, going out with friends, dressing nice, etc. My ex unfollowed me then blocked me; I didn’t even reach out. I’m guessing she’s really done with me.
Update???
Coach. Kenneth. The info I see seems to apply only to boyfriend girlfriend break ups. Maybe shorter term relationships. What about people married for decades. Have as she says grown apart. And divorced me. And have left me devastated.
Ikr! They always do when you no longer care even if its years later on wtf. Its kind of annoying 😂 that's why dwelling on it like crazy doesn't work and it only wrecks you, i swear they can smell that resistance and desperation. I learnt the hard way. Every now and then i allow myself to be sad and even cry but stay strong and put never reaching out. As soon as you're living a full life, exploring your options and dont give them so much energy and 0 attention they REALLY see it.... thats the tricky thing with exs... majority of them don't come back unless theyve gotten a taste of their own medicine and someone rejects/ abandon them and go to you for a quick fix/ ego boost. Never ever let them back into your life unless they've proven some growth and a genuine interest in pursuing things, take it slow. That's if you still love them.
And lol at "and plus you found out about her muffin!" Hilarious!
😂🤣😂🤣
As a woman, getting closure was one of the best things I ever got. It improved my mental health and emotions to such a level I was able to get proper night's sleep. Emotions weren't really talked about but more just reasonings and motivations on the why things went the way they did. It was a calm talk and both parties were acknowledging the other persons emotions in a safe way. I noticed Craig mentioned it as a POV from a guy wanting closure from a woman. So I'm just saying a POV from a woman- it was really good and needed. But I do understand his point about our mood swings. It does happen with us (cycles and all), we can have very low emotions one day and be okayish the next. So, we do need time and space to safety and securely feel our feelings and let them be expressed in a healthy manner. We need to feel stable in our own emotions (less mood swings) to be okay talking again. A 2 week vs a month in time and space could results in two different answers. Those answers could be expressed in either ways too. Higher risk of the 2 week one to result in more volatile emotions and responses. Whereas the month response has a higher % to be more logical and well thought out.
The muffin joke at the end is the best one yet... lol
I like the advice and your sense of humor. Laughing & learning.
My relationship ended badly. I originally wanted closure in the beginning but she wouldn’t give it to me. This breakup was all my fault. I wasn’t a good partner. After over 3 months after our breakup, my ex girlfriend asked to meet up so we could both get closure. I already went through all the heartache, I’ve been doing better now and I have no desire to have the closure talk just to go through all the bs again. What was weird was she was asking me questions about what I was doing almost like she was wanting to give us another chance. Anyways I told her that I was sorry, that I couldn’t give her the closure she was looking for. I was so hopeful until she said that.
I needed this advice today. I screwed up with her and understand her not wanting me in her life. Although she had her own faults she was a great girl. Working on my communication skills, validating and showing more empathy and understanding is on me.
How about men’s feelings does it move like the clouds in the sky ?
@Ho Sniper 😂🤣😂🤣
OMG… I cannot stop laughing!!! It’s Craig’s expressions!! Muffin the hamster lmao. That is the craziest indirect direct approach! 😂😂😂
Hi, Craig!! Loving your channel. Even though I'm not going through a break-up, I have really benefited from all of your sage advice. You should wear a swami headdress bc you can answer ANYTHING! Or can you??? Here's my situation: I've been hanging out with a fella for about a year. We've gone to some concerts and have had dinner about a hundred times or more. We've even had "dessert" (wink wink) a half doz times. We text every day, flirt a lot and get along great. Neither of us is seeing someone else know. BUT I have no idea if we're "together" together or just FWB. I don't want that and I told him so. About 3 months ago I asked him if we were dating just to date or if our relationship had a direction. He said "what?! You mean like a relationship?!?!? (Imagine his face of horror here) I said yes and he said he didn't want that. (Imagine my mortified and dejected face here with the you lose sound from a game show... wah wah wah) I was so shocked. I thought we were on the same page!!! I'd asked him back in November if we were "seeing each other" and he said yes, albeit sheepishly. He's not affectionate or romantic at all, but he's extremely caring and protective. I really do like this guy. I feel like he's got avoidant attachment issues and doesn't feel comfortable talking about feelings. He's in law enforcement and has seen some messed up stuff so maybe he has ptsd. How am I supposed to know if he's just lost interest or he's an avoidant attachment type? PS I'm 46, married 2x, and he's 43 married 0x.
You know you've been dying for a question like this. Please respond.
Signed,
Ayman Limbo.
THANK YOU!!!
I'm a woman...who watches your videos. They have saved my butt from sending a long 'closure' letter. Thank you! Will it turn into a success story? TBD
I did.. 😭😭
does it work with men too?
You are so freaking great at your work outstanding
all we have is brad browning and clay andrews but I dont think we can rely on their information. You seem to understand people. Talk to us craig!!!
I made all the mistakes and have learned! His ex called when she thought we were not together to tell him the dog was sick and dying and he went to see the dog before he was huninised! How sweet!
You have great advice but I noticed it was mostly about a guy having problems. Does all your advice apply to women as well when they're anxious about a breakup? I mean does a guy ex think the same way if we apply all the advice?
XtnaG I have same question but I don’t see an answer Craig?
Your voice!!!! These stories are serious and we are laughing!
I've got a feeling I wrecked things forever. I spent three months trying to fix our issues, begging and pleading. Then searched for closure twice in two 2-hour long phone calls. She seemed fed up of me, exasperated and so cold. Haven't contacted her for two weeks. When we broke up officially, she was on tinder the same day and chatting to other guys - I think she had already found someone else before we officially broke up. In her head, we broke up in January so she's had so much time to move on. But, for me we broke up at the start of April.
Update
Her pet hamster escaped and it took three days to find him! Craig’s face is cracking me up.
The only problem about post other women in my life is that I am no longer interested to hear about anyone's issues and no longer interested in being in a relationship just to not feel alone and majority already have children that I'll be hearing the same BS issues that it never ends and sex becomes less enjoyable with anyone that its only a temporal solution to fill the gaps of emptiness from solitude and sadness that never eliminates from those memories that will always exist in the mind and the heart anguishes wishing it could've been repaired by that individual what caused the heartache from those mistakes for the bridge to fall apart into pieces
Two responses here. What if you are not on each other’s media? They can’t see you out living your “best life”. I will say I agree and disagree about Craig’s comment about a man sharing his feelings. It has been my experience (because I end up with avoidant men) that they ignore me and show minimal sharing of feelings until I am done. Then they want to share. At this point I agree with Coach Craig. That would totally turn me off and feel manipulative. However the relationship would have been better on my end, had they shared feelings before. It would have salvaged the relationship
Mine wants to meet me on Monday to have closer, doing it at our counselor. I don't want to go. Nor do I want to break the no contact rule. So after this, I'm not going to attend
What about men?
So the trick is to play games constantly in a mature adult relationship? That's just great. All of it might work but sounds super immature to me.. why would anyone want to be in a relationship if it's based on immature games
jonny135 ask women why they're so crazy. today they're happy and tomorrow crying...maybe the answer leads you to the "games playing." let me know what the answer was..
Because with women us men have to be mr. Wonderul all the time. Every day has to feel like the first day with them. With us guys we are happy as long as we have her there and we aren't fighting. Not with women, it has to be a romantic movie everyday.
Yes, basically it's what fuels attraction, especially at the beginning of a relationship or after it. Being light, playful and like you don't give a shit, works. Some men overdo it though.
I cant stop laughing🤣 smiling this is the best video for ur expressions and your story telling👌 just great ..has helped me forget a moment and calmed my anxiety😔😁 thank you!😃
I agree with the no contact and all the info I've received watching these videos so far. But if you post on social media and that person has blocked you, they can't see the new FABULOUS you so I've heard.
Kevin Sommerville they will see the new you deosn't matter how many times they blocked you. she might unblocked you just to check or ask a mutual friend to let her see how you're doing. my ex blocked me, then tells me that she knew about everything I posted on facebook because others told her....yeah right..
Lol “..so I’ve heard”
Love these videos! A win/win Situation. Great advice with even better comedy complete with slapstick facial expressions. Bravo!
This week my ex contacted me to tell me that she was almost in a car accident, and that she was thinking about it and who she would want to take care of her dog if she died. And she decided that she wants me to take care of her dog if she died for any reason. I took that as this girl doesn’t see us as ever being a couple again, but maybe it didn’t mean that at all.
She blocked me. Very unlikely to run into her out. No way to show that I'm having fun and moving on with life.
Bosephus4 update ?
Same. A relashionship of fucking 3 years. Found another girl 2 weeks later and blocked me on everything
Same situation.
I could have used this 2 weeks ago. Thanks Craig.
I needed this in January. But better late than never
If they break up with you, neglect you, so you leave them alone and go no contact , then they keep coming back , keep giving you mixed signals, then ask for friendship, you keep saying no, you need to give them closure. They cant leave and keep stringing us along. Although talking about a guy here.
I just want closure!
I cannot stop smiling you’re so funny and so right
Dying about Muffin right now. Blahahahahahahahaha
You are so great!! Im devouring all your videos
Does this apply to men as well? Their feelings change like the clouds in the sky?
What about a woman wanting to do the same for a man?
As a man I can see how it is just as effective if not more...
Hi ! I always hear you say women’s mind always change which is true many of the times but does this also apply to men?!
I feel like this advice is very applicable for the dating phase too! Is this also true for men? Some men tend to have less initiation/interest when intimacy happened and I truly believe as an anxious attached woman this closure is something I used to want/need too, but not doing it anymore!! :-) Thanks for the advice!
LOL CRAIG NICE ONE ABOUT THE MUFFIN!
Craig, so how you go about this when the woman doesn't use social media at all? Watching your videos, I've come to realize that I'm an anxious attachment style and she's an avoidant
How do you do no contact when you go to the same church? Just ignore them when they say hi?
🤣 this video was my favorite . The indirect direct approach about muffin the hamster lol
I love how you said he got an update on her muffin.....And he got to find out about the hamster🤣🤣🤣
Wish that could have been my story too, only thing she mentioned that she’s currently seeing someone who is a Tiktoker. A FUCKING TIKTOKER of all people, and that she said he’s moving from Korea to here, Hawaii. My anxiety went through the roof and my separation anxiety tripled! I cried non stop yesterday just like I did on day one of the breakup 5 months ago. I felt like shit again and not doing anything. I was healing too,
Your face is priceless😂😂😂😂
No Contact Boss.... or closure...needed!!
LOL! The puns in the last part of this video had me dying LOL! He certainly got an update on her hamster named "muffin"... LOL! Good one! In fact the direct Indirect approach was more over the top than what I got LOL! Wow...
Wow this is right on time man... hahaha your cracking me up Craig... wheww it doesn't work.... im gonna call my side piece bruh... perfect timing man... Im gonna do it bro call the play man!!
Keep up with the great work
Excellent
Coach you are hysterical I love it!!!! And your feedback is sooo true, thank you!!
The fact that they broke up with you.. Thats your closure
This is very very helpful as all your videos are. My question is this: My ex broke it off about 2 months ago. We started out as Friends with Benefits ended up living together for about 7 months and I never tried to make it official because I'm anxious and neither of of communicated. She didn't think i felt so strongly for her or loved her. I sent her a text expressing my care and love for her to try and get closure or to move us forward. And then called her to see what she thought. She told me she had a new boyfriend said I didn't really love her and that it was too late due to her new BF, but then agreed to meet up with me. We had a great time and I expect we'll get together again. I've stopped contact and chasing because she knows how i feel. A text is not a hand written letter but it kind of is. Why is this different?
As a guy id say most of these would also apply to a woman too.
Hi i have been into no contact for 3 months it was ex bday today i texted her sharo at 12 am ti wish her she sasaid thanku then i call her in afternoon she picked i wished her and ask to meet she denied. I went outside her office with cake but she didn't come out. U kept pleading to take cake at least and now i have been pleading her to tell if she wants to be with me she's just ignoring. What should I do now please help
What if the ex is NOT being that indirect? What if she says she's going to be in the area if I want to meet up for coffee? Seems like I would be skipping steps if I just said, you're welcome to come over and bring some wine. I mean, I've been waiting for her to reach out - she probably wants to take it slow and meet in public first... Thoughts?
What to do if I've already written some kind of a closure letter and I've mixed it with a clean slate message? Since that has happened I'm in intelligent no contact because of kid and property.
Do you think there is still a chance to get my wife back or I've ruined already everything? Unfortunately for me I did a lot of other mistakes after the break up too...
"...Plus you found out about her pet hamster." I died.😂
I needed to hear this, you keep saying a 'woman's interest changes like the clouds in the sky' , but what about an Avoident ex?? Im an Anxious attachment..... and how long must you take to post on social media, I dont want to send the wrong message like Im 'moving' on.... with a woman the standard seems different....
criag can you please make a vdo if the same strategy work for men? if i try to be reasonable and talk with my exboyfriend will it work? or should i leave him alone? if i move on, go out on a date or hang out with male friends and post pictures on facebook will it help to make my ex feel separation anxiety?
I’ve gotten an indirect direct approach twice I think. Problem is that there really isn’t any dialogue between us for me to ask my ex out/invite her over. She’ll reach out. I’ll wait a few hours and respond then I don’t hear anything back. It’s very confusing behavior. Anyone else been in a similar situation or know how I can navigate this? How did it pan out for you?
Sounds like a Dismissive Avoidant. Same scenario for me.That us the nature of the beast. Stay in no contact. They dip their toe in the water to feel the temperature. If it's no hot or cold they back off. Just go forward in your life and keep HER on YOUR back burner. Don't let your ego play games with yourself of rejection. You already had enough of that if she did the breaking up.
Remember your self-respect is more important that her!!!!!!!!!
Ahahahah Muffin! The best! 😂😂😂
I am just happy the hamster is okay!
What if her reaching out is texting me out of the blue that she hates me?
Coach, what if you asked them to block you?
This second email is hilarious 😂
Does this apply to men too? If you want him back?
Yes I would like too know also.... ???
No men are reasonable and logical. We don't have time for games
Ahhh, why why why did I find your videos so late? ;-))) so many stupid mistakes I've made, I've tried to talk, have sent him a bunch of e-mails, have written a creative short story about him and sent it to him with a regular post! ;-))... Oh, I am such a fool!..
I need to watch this video 1000 times lol this is me
ok, i had a "good" closure, not needy, just "logic". but accepting to end.So was it a mistake? I left a msg like " if you wanrt more adventure, call me"
She contacts me daily. But says as friends only. And she’s dating people..
Hi Max Good Night! If A Guy Ghosted & Asked To Leave Him Alone After A BreakUp Can A Guy Get A New GirlFriend And Compare All His Exes What If He Is A Player Or A Cassonova He Wants To Return His Feeling For A Real Thing? Like A New Beginning And New Relationship Without Prejudice?
The ole hamster escaped story and 3 days to find muffin... I never laughed so hard... haaaaaaa...... UNTIL.... I found my neighbors TURTLE sprinting across a few intersections down from us... (run away from home) how I even identified the phylum and and class of this tortoise was a miracle, Doris was returned home safely
...
Doris the turtle hahaha, adorable, I'm glad she's safe. Thank you for your cute and funny story during a tough time Amanda
Hi Craig I'm 6 days in to no contact is it normal for me to have the feeling that I don't want my ex-girlfriend back
Muffin the hamster 🐹 watching this video be like: 😂😂😂
What about men? How much space do they need? It has been nearly 4 months!
Same thing as this video, it's not gender specific. When anyone feels like they're losing something they want it more.
I have extreme anxiety and I can tell I have an anxious attachment style but I have done everything possible to not contact them while leaving the door open for tem to contact me, this is my fifth day in no contact and even though its hard you can do it I'm 14 and I can do it, so can you people and on top of that I'm disabled so all you guys really can do this
I dated my ex for 5 years, she broke up with me two months ago and she message for birthday and does it but last week I saw her and I said hi and she responded cold, My anxiety raised and I contact her sister, her sister said that she is been cold with her and her mom too and that they are giving her space, however she told me to talk to her, to get a closure and I dont know if is the right things to do, I feel like talking to her not about the past but maybe clear my image of me.. She told her sister that she broke up with me because I took her for granted, now Im confused and I dont kow what to do. Many people say that I should talk to her that thats the only way to get her back but I have a feeling that I should give her more time, couple more months...
i just got back with my girl, listened too Craig and watched other videos, i thought there is no way she will ever contact me and was amazed she did, i met her a few days later, we went back my new place, all good, we just dating now, weekend and once in the week, the spark is back for now anyway and things are good but honestly if i was you DO NOT CONACT her no matter what because she knows how contact you, if you dont listen to at least that advice she is gone for good, your be glad you listen in future promise my friend
My ex wanted to remain friends n after seeing a picture of me clubbing, he deleted my number but got me on fb 🤔 I have no idea why...
The real MVP is in this story is Muffin the hamster Lol.
I don’t like or participate in social media . What’s next?
how wil they see my social media when i am blokked on every platform XD?
Me too im blocked 😂
My girlfriend broke up with me didn’t even tell me was she have a come back
Hi. I agree with you that if someone breaks up with you, you leave them alone. If you ask for a "talk", they won't comply or will tune you out. I also agree that you should work on yourself but after what point of establishing no contact, should you reach out? I havent spoken to my ex in one year and thanks to "no contact", I don't visit his social media page anymore. I have tried to become a better version of myself but I still would like to talk to him in person. How can I do this?
Who broke up with who
My girl broke up with me almost a month now she posted on instagram saying. People look different when you don't care about them anymore. I saw it and broke no contact. I asked her if what she posted was about me and our situation and if so. She should tell me now whether or not I should forget about us and move on with my life. She replied saying she's free to post what ever she wants and that the post didn't mean anything because she doesn't put her personal life on social media. She is yet to tell me whether I should move on. What do you think abt that?
damn ....why I found you so late....😲
What if you and her don't use social media?