They Have An Avoidant Attachment Style
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- Опубліковано 15 вер 2024
- They have an avoidant attachment style
Coach Craig Kenneth discusses Avoidant Attachment Style and what it is like to date a partner who has one. You will gain insight and understanding of what it is like to have an avoidant attachment style.
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There should be an induction program for parents before they have a baby to ensure they don't damage their kids for life and ensure they learn what children need to grow into secure adults.. We have to sit an exam to get a drivers license to drive a car, surely being a parent is an even bigger job.
Jacqui Gigliotti So True.
Jacqui Gigliotti I agree!
Amen.
This is all basically hypothetical. The factors involved in our development are very complex and, frankly, different for everyone.
Exactly. My mom use to say thay.having the parts doesn't make spmeon6a good parent.
As the one with the avoidant attachment style I can identify with a lot of what you are describing, except the childhood piece. Often times there is one neglectful parent and one overly enmeshed parent. The parent that was overly involved and smothering leads us to feel trapped and smothered when someone requires authentic intimacy from us. Avoidance is akin to an addictive pattern and is treated well in the same arena as traditional addictions. Excellent video and incites.
Loni Petricone-Romer this case applies to me as well. My mum was very smothering and obsessed with causing family drama, whilst my dad was emotionally unavailable. I remember attempting once to try to talk to him and was brushed aside. After that, I never attempted to come close to him. Impact on my relationship as an adult? I tend to date people who are emotionally unavailable for me as well. If I sense there is a need to commit I just withdraw. Very sad indeed...
I recently read "Attached" and have been watching more videos about attachment styles and it has been so eye opening for me! I went through a bad breakup last year where this guy dumped me completely out of the blue and could not give me a legitimate reason why. We had had no fights or anything. I was shocked and heartbroken. I became so depressed that I dropped 15 lbs in less than 3 weeks, and it really really messed up my self-esteem and ability to trust. Even his friends (who spoke to me afterwards) were confused as to why he dumped me and said he gave bizarre reasons like "she doesn't like to go hiking," even though I'm an avid hiker! It wasn't until I read about avoidant attachment that I finally realized it had nothing to do with me at all. This person is a textbook avoidant. I should have known, since prior to dating me he said he had numerous 1 month relationships earlier that year...I remember thinking that's excessive and that maybe this guy has commitment issues...boy was that an understatement...
Hey. I too got dumped just out of the blu after a 6 months rship. Just 10 days b4 brkg up he ws telling me to nvr let him go...tht hes deeply in lov wth me. He was so cold and mean, i cudnt evn believe i dated same guy fr 6 months. And he found a rebound within these 10 days b4 dumping me. Nw hes bn posting pics wth her n making dance videos wth her, bn 3 months nw to their rship and i hear hes gonna marry her. That ws the reason he had given me brkg up wth me tht he thot this ws the gal closest to his expectations fr marriage.
After failing his 4 rships, at the age of 25, back to back in rebound, its so hard fr me to digest he is happy wth her and moreover is she happy wth him and on top of it hes ready fr biggest commitment called marriage?. @craigkenneth do u think an avoidant can change overnight if he really finds his "true love" or "the one"
Same thing happened to me! Did you ever hear from him afterwards? Curious of how everything went afterwards.
I just bought it. I've put it down somewhere and can't find it.
It all makes so much sense now doesnt it? Brings soooo much relief
@@StefanieCronin1 same. Isnt this information awesome??
I am an avoidant type because of my strained relationship with my parents who never met my emotional needs because they were too busy arguing. I struggle trusting men in a relationship because I have been hurt in those too. It takes a lot of patience and consistency to get me to really open up. However, once I open up, I am giving, emotional, and loving.
I'm curious - my ex was avoidant and she was opening up to me over time with a lot of patience and consistency from me. But then she decided to pursue a career out of state, said we could do long distance, and then dropped the relationship after she moved there. So even after opening up - and I mean like sharing holidays, taking trips, saying I love you quite a bit, very affectionate, being involved with my family and friends and me with hers -- she rationalizes just moving away and cutting things off. It felt very dismissive despite her being very open, emotional, and loving with me up to the day she left. So to me it feels like it wouldn't matter if we dated for 10 years, she would not see why it would be a problem to just end it without warning.
@@erxfav3197 For me, yeah. It’s like a switch that I can turn on and off. It’s not “without warning” for avoidants. We will be considering ending it for a while and then just disappear. I have gone back to two exes before. One time it was purely for sex (my feelings were not involved at all) although he wanted more than that. The other time, my ex had spent about a year trying to get me back and won me over, but he screwed up again so I ghosted. I can and will bury my feelings with whatever I need to, in order to make that switch. It could be quickly jumping into another relationship, distracting myself with hobbies, etc. In my current relationship ( which is healthy and amazing) I still have to make an extreme effort when something happens that I don’t like, not to shut down and/or escape.
Man, this video kinda confirmed that my recent break up was with an avoidant, and that getting back wouldn't really succeed unless she puts in the effort to work on it. I'm generally secure nowadays, but due to various factors I can still go full anxious when things are bad (which I still have to work on). And her avoidant tendencies triggered that stuff pretty regularly so it was a cycle. This video really helped me see that I didn't cause the break up alone, and that I should probably move on unless we're both capable of putting in the work, in the relationship and in ourselves. Sad, but true right now. Thanks, even though this was posted 4 and a half years ago!
It seems like attachment disorders are an epidemic in this society unfortunately. I would guess 90% of people out there did not have their needs met when they were young children.
Angelina thanks to trauma... if it was only because of feminism there would have been no avoidant people before the 50s. A great number of child rearing practices that were considered normal in the 50s were very traumatizing.
MJ W exactly stuff like attachment theory like craig is explaining wawnt around then although have to agree that feminism has added to the problem
@@sirrantsalott Thankyou for this. Explains a lot why I end up with the dismissive types!
Depends on what you mean with "did not have their needs met". All parents fall short on occasions. However, if you´re talking about consistently, then statistically the majority of people have secure attachment styles.
@Angelina stop blaming the mothers both parents are responsible
The bit in that story about being robotic resonated with me so much. I tried to bring up the relationship with my ex last week and she shut down and said ‘I’m not talking about this. I don’t want to talk about the help I’m getting. I’m protecting myself by not opening up to you’. It’s literally like talking to a robot. It’s quite scary! We’d had a conversation the previous week where she was crying and told me she feels the same as I do I.e. she loves me so it’s all a bit mad...she suddenly ended the chat too. I told her I love her but I need to move on because it hurts not getting the same investment back
I am a dismissive avoidant type. There is one very important thing I keep missing when this is explained. The traumatized child learned from a very early age to take care of the emotional needs of the care giver(s) ( not the other way around), Dont cry, dont ask, be nice, walk on shelves, give, give give, to the point the child is invisible without any sense of self. On adult age we avoid any attachment as it activates the trauma the minute our partner is in need of something, even if its a "normal " need. It feels like someone is chocking us, bringing back all the trauma on the same level as we felt as a child. We dont ask, need, want. We never learned how get or ask for our needs, All we know is give. and giving hurts, traps,
Wow! I think you at least got my life story
@@sirrantsalott Having a relationship with mental people is no walk in the park.
@Franky Lee, Thank you for your comment.
I am a dismissive avoidant too and can relate to what you just described.
@@sirrantsalott Dude, calm down. Its someone's attachment style which came from their emotional trauma, no one is making an excuse here.
Its about time we treat each other with compassion and kindness. We're all wounded and trying our best to heal.
Franky Lee, I truly appreciate your honesty. It helped with this new guy I'm crazy about, but keep wanting to bale because I can't figure it he likes me or not!!! One minute he's awesome, 10 minutes later he contradicts himself. I'm always afraid someone is mocking me, so I take everything as that. But is there hope for us?💚🤕 I sure hope so!
this sounds like my girlfriend. I always feel like I'm walking on egg shells and might get dumpped from day to day which makes me feel anxious. She seems like she only wants to see me When it good for her. of course it didn't start like this, but 8 months later this is where the relationship is a now.
I can very much relate to your comment. I was in a relationship like this for a year and a half, thought every day of it could be the last. He was usually very ok with a lot of distance, had trouble talking with me about any kind of issue, and from the beginning wanted to see me only when he felt okay, which was about once a week.
He is a person with a lot of rituals/"addictions" in order to distract himself from thinking or feeling (my guess). I am more on the anxious side (like his mom), so what seemed like almost no connection for me was just draining...same feeling of walking on eggshells. He seems to have started work with a therapist, but now I have no idea where he stands. It's almost a month after the breakup, he said I was the closest person ever to him...says a lot about how he lead his life, we were on distance and he could have easily not seen me for weeks. I was like "is this even a relationship?", when what we had was almost too much for him already. He broke up even though he loved me still. Thoughts to you. Be very patient.
This is the same situation I'm in now. Did you find a solution?
I'm in tears because both of you have described the relationship I'm in right now and it makes me feel better that I'm not going crazy. But I'm glad there are open spaces like this where others can share stories and we can learn from one another. After researching more about this type of attachment, I feel more informed about how to approach this kind of person and how to deal with it my own relationship. I don't know if you'll ever see this but thank you!
You're not alone dude....mine was worse cause she cheated..
madison wood you deserved better my dear.i hope you're okay. :)
I really hate to admit that I think this is me. This is breaking my heart. 😞 however I do talk about thinks, but I get scared really easily, I think I have anxious and avoidant because my first choice is to break up with someone when problems arise, but then when I do I get anxious because I feel like I made the wrong decision. Idk but I do know I need therapy fosho.
Oh god... This is soooooo true. My partner just broke away from me and this description is so accurate. I was wondering why she wanted to ask so much from me and so clingy when we're together. I was probably the only comforting care taker she's ever had. And now she's gone it makes me bleed to think nobody is going to take care of her and she'll never trust anyone again. I wish I had seen this sooner, but you never realized your position until it is too late.
I'm doing the no contact right now. Wish me luck. I promise when we get together again she'll never feel neglected again. She even told me when she was a kid her mom complaint about her being clingy . . . It's all so obviously after this video. Thanks so much
Craig, THANK YOU for making this video. By far one of the most insightful and helpful one's you've done.
The woman I love has an Avoidant Attachment Style and I have an Anxious Attachment Style.
This video has increased my awareness and given me a deeper understanding of where she is "coming from" with some of her actions/emotions/attitudes as in the past I would be deeply hurt and take things very personally.
Keep up the fantastic work.
cheers
Thank you! If you ever want to schedule a coaching, I'm available. Just go to my site Askcraig.net
You'll feel so much better after talking about it!
This is my ex boyfriend to a T (broke up with me 10 days ago). He is definitely avoidant. Some of the phrases Coach Craig Kenneth said were exactly, word for word, what my ex has said to me.
technomewmew how’s it going? Is he come back?
Another excellent video Craig, full of insight, intelligence and compassion. I look forward to a time when everyone is as aware of emotional health as they may be about other forms of health, and most kids are raised with secure attachment relationships. May take a while, but thanks to people like you, things will steadily improve.
Thanks Max, that's why I do this. So much of our mental health stems from our attachment with our caregivers. I love helping you guys. I'm excited to see how much the channel has grown in such a short time. I spend hours every day reseaeching information to share!
My mama caused me trauma now I'm living with the drama... Sorry, couldn't help myself
Lol. Go relaxin in the sauna
I'm So Sorry! I'm a Mother... I caused my children drama on account of the trauma their father caused me (and I unfortunately participated with expecting he would "heal") and he refused to deal with his abandonment issues and deleted me from Our Marriage (financially) and Our Family, pit my children's well being against my own (my heart, my soul and my sanity) and used them (and their needs and well being) to inflict pain on me as though he could cause me to be "jealous" of his behaving an aggressive, insulting boufoon (as if he were "free")! I certainly never meant to hurt my children and I could no longer live with the "war" their father waged at me in his fear (abandonment) rejecting and assaulting me (as though I ought to tolerate this. Pray for her that her Heart (and nervous system) Know Peace and Clarity. I love my children and while I could not financially sustain their lives... Their father could would ease and I removed myself that he do so. It's time for PEACE and PROSPERITY for ALL!
Thankyou for breaking down the specifics of this situation. Speaking from my own situation, he performs an avoidant attachment style and I recently had an ah-ha moment that his actions have nothing to do with me. While it is still painful to let go of the idea of a healthy relationship with him, I've come to that I have to meet my own needs. Still living with him has been the greatest challenge of being able to fully engage within my own life as he thrives on watching and judging my every move to keep himself distracted. Thankyou again for creating a conversation on this topic. Much appreciated.
I had to press pause as i write this...I’m not even 6 minutes into this video and you’ve unpeeled me like an onion. You’ve expanded my consciousness about myself from my childhood. I definitely would like to seek therapy for myself. I originally came here to see how to get my guy back, but now I’m more interested in helping myself that way i can form and build better relationships with others. Thank you.
I SWEAR I thought for a minute I had written you about my life and you we're sharing it..... THAT'S how SPOT-ON it was to me! Trippy, I'm not alone! Sick consolation, I feel bad, but, glad its not just me!💚🤕
My ex was like this during our relationship, I never got it until now. When we first met we clicked instantly it felt like. Then when we fought he would dismiss the problem and said he didn’t or couldn’t deal with it. Then when breaking up he said he couldn’t handle a relationship and doesn’t understand how someone can give so much love. Also when breaking up with me he was crying so much and mentioned something about wishing he grew up like me and with my family (my family and I are very close but his family seemed great but he always mentioned hints of them hiding their feelings from each other) and that I had nothing to be sorry for and that I was perfect (however, I did have some anxiety in the relationship). I never knew this was an actual thing for people until now, I thought he was just being distant, ungrateful, and just said all those things because then it seemed like he was fine right after the break up but now it makes me think he just avoided all of it. Thanks couch, you helped me a lot. Do people with avoidant relationship styles come back?
I want to know the odds when it comes to avoidants coming back as well. Discarded for no reason overnight and haven't heard from him in 8 months. Very hurtful, he could have at least sent an e-mail or something.
Why would you want them to come back? They don't have changed.
Lori Cortez yes they do my avoidant partner always comes back
@@guesswhatdiana hi diana. I wanto kno he comes back cos he doesn't find another rebound and yet another rebound or he finishes wth the rebounds n come back.
If 2nd choice is ur answer, can u suggest what kind of rship u 2 share wen together and which attachment style u have?
Thx
Does he come back?
Craig you are amazing! When you said "grieve" the relationship it resonates with me, and gave me freedom.
It hurts so bad to try to have relationships with these ppl.
I wish I could afford to have some coaching with you. Recently my ex has gotten in touch with me after our last contact 1.5 yrs ago. He broke up with me in 2011. I was devastated at the time and cried for 3 years. Now that he has gotten back in touch with me, he has improved slightly, however continues to avoid me. I feel very sad since I have anxious attachment style and have not spoken to him over a week. I messaged him yesterday and got no response. I don’t know if he will contact me again. In our brief conversations, I told him I missed him and my feelings have not changed for him. I will continue to watch your videos and hope to strengthen myself. I love him so much. Thank you for your attention.
Where have u been my whole life, Craig ? Thank you for everything u do for us!!!
I kr🙄😂
Damn! Very interesting. Helps me understand my ex a lot more. Going to have to think a lot about any possible reconnection. I do want to, but I need to work on myself first. I definitely see avoidant attachment style in him, and anxious attachment style in myself. I get upset and mad at myself for messing it up because I didn't have this info a few months ago. Would have saved myself a lot of heartache.
Kelley ONeal me too I just lost my gf because I have this. I wish I woulda known beforehand. She has the anxiety one. I wish I would have known because I would have payed more attention to her.
Kelley ONeal Did you find any solution for reconnection with your ex?
You’re hilarious! Love ya coach! ❤️ thanks for all of your support!
I am a secure slightly anxious attachment style. Today I learned from CC vid that my wonderful woman has avoidance attachment style. I do think there is an issue with her father cheating on her mom. Also her father did something else very bad which affected her later in life as in her 30's. We are not kids we are in our 60's very fit and active. All the symptoms that this vid and previous vids CC did are spot on most of the time. Putting blame on me when she caused the issue for example. Distorted reality regarding things that happen in life with both of us. I know my love is not aware of this and I can only hope if we get back together is to do some couples consoling. If I can maybe it will help her understand what she feels the ways she does. She had shared things with me that she had never shared with anyone and these are not good things so I know she did trust me but not sure now. However CC thank you for the vid which has now made me aware of what my love's attachment style is...
Thanks Craig. You just nailed it. Concerning my ex and the relationship. I am still unhappy about the break up. And sad because of her past trauma. I did my best but she was hurt and traumatized so severely there is only so much I can do. It hurts both of us. Breaking up is her coping mechanism. Five years!!!
I'm so happy to come across your videos! I'm learning a lot about myself and who I seek in terms of relationships. I have an anxious style (never knew that) but boy, it makes total sense now. I always end up with avoidant types. thank you for the "cookie monster" letter! Yes, I've experienced that often with avoidant men. They do tend to reach out again. Being anxious type, I always give in and accept them back only to have them run away again! It's very hard to stop them from running away. I can only control my own deactivation triggers and allowing them to have their space and not become clingy and nagging for reassurance. I need to more aware and learn to become more stable and secure before I entertain the idea of getting into another relationship.
Terrific video, Craig. I'm really glad to hear you talking about attachment styles. I think it's important for you to distinguish between the fearful-avoidant and the dismissive-avoidant because the belief systems and defense mechanisms are very different and your subject of today's video, Cookie, sounds like a fearful-avoidant. Please do another video showcasing the fearful-avoidant and how to live with one as they go through counseling. The fearful-avoidant want a relationship but they get scared and shut down or run after some time has past. The dismissive-avoidant don't want a relationship and are more apt to play and run.
Thanks! I'm sure I will get to one. Yes I feel the partner is dismissive as well.
Coach Craig Kenneth Are you saying that you believe "Cookie" to be dismissive-avoidant? Based on the repeated short term relationships? I had suggested she was fearful-avoidant because she seeks the intimacy of a relationship but gets scared and backs out. They say fearful-avoidant people are often the serial monogamists. I thought dismissive-avoidant people didn't seek relationships and evaded whenever someone attempted to establish some type of regular rapport other than sex.
Difficult to say, it could be either. Bottom line is they are not in a healthy place for a relationship. There is not much you can do with someone when they are like this.
Cookie is still living at home, with her abusive caregivers at almost 40. She is light years away from any kind of romantic relationship (and that is if she works on herself- which she is not even committed to)
Coach Craig Kenneth Agreed. The fact that the woman who emailed you even dreams about a relationship with "Cookie" is a testament to her own need for therapy.
i know this wouldn't be the case with every avoidant but i've noticed since learning about this stuff is that they tend to excel at as many aspects of their jobs as they have control over, dont like to commit to something that might end up being a waste of time, prefer to keep busy but sometimes struggle to find ways to do so and that leaves them unfulfilled and have only 1 (or very few) really close friends.
I've also noticed I have a lot of these traits as well although i think i have a more anxious attachment style with some avoidant tendencies.
Wow Coach Craig this video was so insightful and powerful, it described my ex to a T, and I always had the feeling she was abused as a child and her mother is very manipulative in a very bad way. This is one of these videos where my ex and I are described exactly how we are and unfortunately I'm very much in love with her but have been grieving really bad, ive lost over 26 pounds we where together for 23 years and have a 4 year old daughter and I feel sorry for my daughter. My ex decided to divorce me, when everybody else has told me she has been the problem all along. Thank you Craig, you are phenomenal.
i have an anxious attachment style and i moved in with my bf of 3 years a few months ago who has an avoidant attachment style and we just broke up and im staying with my mom bc we started having problems and this opened my eyes so much!!! im sooo sensitive to any change and i always tell him i feel abandoned and like he doesnt love me or care anymore or show me affection and he pushes it away and is tired of always arguing! i have a control problem and im always so scared he would leave me or want someone else and i get so insecure! this really helped to open my eyes of why we had so many problems after moving in when everything was better before we moved in together. I just wish i could change so he doesnt feel like he has to detach from me and feel so smothered by me.
Ashley - Marie
Hi Ashley. Im also going through the same. I lived with my avoidant attached ex for a year and felt so alone living with him. He would blame the lack of intimacy to our arguments (which occured once a month), and finally asked me to move out. Its not easy to get over.
Thankyou for sharing this. I dated an avoidant for 3 years and it was a rollercoaster for most of it - she would abruptly end things out of the blue, then we'd reconnect several months later. We never argued because she always needed her space and I accommodated that. But I always felt that if we ever moved in together it wouldn't work because of her space needs. She had 3 failed marriages and another failed relationship after they have moved in with each other. It just can't work with some people. It finally ended because she relocated to another state -- probably a good thing for my own health/sanity as I would have likely kept up the relationship until she dismissed me again.
OMG!! Craig, you are brilliant!
I am learning so much from your videos, I've just realized I am a cross between avoidant and anxious attachment and my wife is a avoidant, this video is spot on!
and we love each other very much but seem to just bring out the worst in each other, can you please do a video on how to get us both into a healthy attachment style, I can work on me and fix my side but I don't know how to be able to reach my wife without her feeling our problems are her fault because I certainly bring my own 5 piece luggage to the table as well. No one in her life has ever given her the love and stability, embarrassed to say not even me, but that's just because I have issues with relationships to.
Signed : her super man in progress.
Update?
@@mmt2310 the update is, I out grew her, and she refused to put the work in, so I left that toxic relationship.
Looking back, I wish I would’ve done it way before.
@peterhaddock7997 thanks for the update, good for you!! ❤️
Fantastic, eye opening video, Coach Craig. You are the most insightful and helpful relationship coach online!! Thank you!
He has avoidant attachment style and i have anxious attachment style :(
Priyanka Chauhan me too
Wow! I’m so glad I watched this! Just described my boyfriend to a T. He is now going to therapy and knows he needs help figuring out his inner demons. He’s been married 4 times and has shut down each time. Can therapy help? I feel so bad because he deserves to be loved. The first two weeks I knew him, we were in the pool at my apartment complex with friends. He was in the pool talking, and I ran up to get a drink. He realized I was gone and showed up at the door in a panic. We ended up sitting on my patio and he broke down in tears begging me to never leave him. I was so confused and told him I had no intention on leaving him. Fast forward 18 months, we are going through our second break up. It’s triggered his depression, he’s cried, he talks about voices. I convinced him to go to a Dr. for depression meds. He’s going to therapy but we are currently broken up. Is there hope?? OMG dead on! Now I need counseling to deal with all of this. He tells me he loves me very much, but doesn’t feel he deserves to be loved. It’s so confusing!
Wow. I've been dating an avoidant attachment person for the past 8 months. Actually it ended in August 2019. I always new something was wrong but couldn't really put my finger on it. But now I know. It's true. She could never open up to me or even reach out and become attached. I was always initiating the touching and kissing. I knew it just wasn't me. I didn't know how to deal with it.
Same here Joe. I never knew what it was and would almost delude myself into thinking it's her work stress or whatever. Glad I came across attachment styles in relationships. I also noticed its way way harder moving on from these people post break up since there's just a void, not coming together as adults and both realizing it isn't optimal, is just a vacuum.
@@Joshbaldophotography Yes, it is. Hang in there. Once you find someone else, you won't think about her as much.
It's curious that my ex with the avoidant attachment style is the first born and has facebook pictures of him as a child coddled and cuddled immensely, yet as you say, perhaps HE wasn't after all wholly cared for: am guessing perhaps the mother and father spent more time together and neglected the child, my ex ... Thanks for pointing that out! It gives me food for thought!
what do think of someone who doesn't like being questioned and who thinks that you're looking for a fight every time you start asking him something.
Coach Kenneth, can you please make a video on Avoidant-Fearful Attachment and No Contact when they are pissed off at their ex-partner?
Agree, and maybe include dismissive avoidants too and no contact.
I've been listening to your attachment style videos for about 3 days now and have began to wonder (because I see it in myself I think) is it normal to have different attachment styles with each of your loved ones?
Coach Craig Kenneth, can you do a video specifically on healing from past attachment trauma? From the perspectives of both the abused and the abuser
I’m really confused and need clarity and help! Would be nice if you guys could help me or maybe Craig 😄:
*Does the attachment style effects if the person is reaching out/missing you/wants to be back with you?*
*Is the no contact rule applying on avoidant people? Will a with an avoidant attachment style wants to recreate a relationship?*
*What are avoidant people going through after a break up, why should I still not contact her and what’s the reason she is going to contact me?*
Thank you for explaining this coach Craig! This really explains the relationship between me and my ex. I had the avoidant style while he was the anxious type. This caused so much turmoil in the relationship. Now, we've broken up because being the avoidant type, I couldn't seem to accept and fix this issue within me while he became more and more anxious. 😭
I can relate as the anxious one , devastated 😢
This is similar to my situation, I eventually got away from these type of parents when I was 40. Things improved one hell of a lot after that. Yes trauma is always there until one can face it and talk about, bringing it out
I have an avoidant attachment
I get so close to achieving the ultimate goal in relationships
Then I go into some sort of hezzy state when I come out everything is gone because l turned everything off
And stare love and it dies
I need my partner learn how to turn me back on
There's away I just haven't figured it out yet if anyone know the answer just leave it in the replies thank for listening 👍😀
HEAL YOURSELF....DON'T EXPECT UR PARTNER TO DO UR JOB....LEARN TO STAY AND STOP RUNNING AWAY.
Do you find that avoidant attachment individuals can awaken and change? Or do you find they are resistant towards it? I was with someone who was avoidant and I was anxious attachment. I, however, decided that I didn't want to deal with the pain that could be caused by loving someone who is so resistant towards love. I still want to help this person and be their friend because I can see so clearly what is going on underneath. I think this "fix it" quality of me, though, is part of my codependency and so I also know that it would be better for me to just move on completely because when it comes down to it, people only change when they want to change.
Okay, you answered it, lol!!!
move on, work on yourself! this is my advice since I dated a DA guy for over 2 years with big gaps in between. It just doesn't work out. He is always retracting and worse, not self-aware. There is just nothing you can do, I know it is heartbreaking but you need to leave these people alone. There is no healing from an outside person.
Charlotte B it didn’t work. He couldn’t see it and didn’t want to work on himself. I ended up leaving him and later I found someone who could be emotionally available and so therefore no more suffering!
I liked your joke about buying her "cookies"!
Do men with this type of attachment ever go back to their ex if given enough space after a break up??
Lindsey Neal would like to know it too
One of my exes who is avoidant did eventually reach out to me 4 months after the breakup with the indirect direct approach, reminiscing about our dates & basically testing the waters but by that stage I’d already met someone else. But yes I do believe some avoidants do come back after they’ve been given space & you go no contact.
Yes
I have been through this exact situation except he was cheating on me. We got back together and same thing happened. Do some avoidants also have narcissistic or borderline personality
disorders ?
Avoidant and narcs use the same tactics. I had them both. It is anooying and crazymaking.
Just leave that sort of nonsens
Question for the people with Avoidants as partners- did you ever tell them that you thought they were avoidants and how did they take it if so?
Hello! Do you believe that a relationship can work between an avoidant and an anxious on long term?
Can someone help please? A guy I have a crush on became my friend in Feb. I approached him at the gym because I noticed for months he was staring at me at times, and I thought he was attracted to me. He's definitely attracted to me, but it's just remained a friendship because he's not comfortable with the gay part of himself, and he's "not out." I hate that phrase because it sounds so childish. I've never tried to do anything gay to him, but I did tell him I find him cute but also that I'm mature enough to just have a platonic relationship and wouldn't ever force him person to do anything he doesn't want to do. He used to flirt with me and joke around before I "came out" to him, but after he stopped. We did still go to the gym together and hung outside of it with his friends once after "coming out." However, after he started avoiding me. I think his friends are immature and poisoned his opinion of me or made fun of him for being my friend because I'm not "straight." It really pisses me off that one of those guys hit on me at the bar when he was really drunk, but he's probably the one who said something homophobic about me. It's really making me sad that I'm losing my friend, and I thought we might one day progress to dating if he felt more comfortable. I want to reach out to him, but won't this make it worse?
You cannot know 'who' someone is when you start dating - esp. when they are very enthusiastic! You only respond to the stimuli they give you. Now, if they do have some sort of personality disorder, then it is your internal psychology that determines how you react to the problems they present . i.e . whether you become obsessed / abusive / run / fight until you're ruined / or just plain old abused. As for the avoidant? This is hard-wired instinctual behaviour. In effect, nothing you can do will change that cycle. And when we don't know about personality disorder types our normal reactions of; trying to communicate, create greater security, etc begin to stress the avoidant more (since they have been devaluing you to sooth their fears of being engulfed and ultimately hurt down the line!) That's why some can jump in with someone else so quickly as they can get carried away with 'newness' that represents no pressure. Their pattern will still repeat itself as the majority see their reality as just fine!
Great and helpful points!
Yeah, I’ve tried explaining to her that she’s just like this, but she Doesn’t accept it and just says she doesn’t want to be tied down in a relationship.
You are doing great job for people who need it Most Thnkz a Lot🙏
Hey Craig, does my ex still miss me even when he is the avoident type and i'm the anxious one? It's 2 weeks over and i saw him allready going out with other girls. He does not want contact with me and he play's like he is happy without me. What can i do??? 😢
Alexandra Nvt can you update your situation please
Hi Alexandra~
I also have a boyfriend that is also an avoidant! All you can do for now is just focus and work on yourself!!!! You need to be able to “let go” and let it “him” come to you when he is ready. DA’s cannot be forced in any way (this is to only protect themselves from getting hurt) but many people who dont understand attachment views them as a selfish person. Focus on yourself. That is the BEST thing you can do for yourself and for your future. The universe will bring back but you need to fully be able to let go 100%
-"what can I do to win Cookie back?" -"Buy her some cookies" ... My kind of joke Craig, hahahha, You made my day, thank You! :)
justyna gogol some times laughter is better than crying
ArcticFirepixy most of the time if not always! :)
Am I wasting my time wishing my dismissive avoidant ex boyfriend will come back? Part of me knows he will break up with me again in the same way for seemingly ridiculous reasons, but the other part of me misses him so much.
I can't say for sure, but my dismissive avoidant ex came back twice so far -- she is gone again and she moved away so I probably won't pursue anymore because I know she will never work on her issues -- she still wonders why her mom won't love her the way she wants to be loved and wonders what's wrong with her -- but rather then recognize that it affects her relationships she just reacts instinctively by breaking it off when it feels too intense. And the hard thing is if you are in it with them and are more anxious (which is typical), you will feel intense pain when they abruptly end it, but their coding will not allow them to feel much at all. It's really sad.
Did he come back, Sara Silver?
they do come back but you gotta learn how to deal with them mine broke up with me again because I forced him to tell me what's bothering him
Hey coach, I've been watching your channel quite sometime now. Send you an email also about my recent breakup too. Just stumbled on your video about relationship styles. Now I'm almost certain I have an avoidant attachment style, thanks to you I know 1 of the reason my ex left. I could now start working on my self in order not to repeat my mistakes. Can you recommend more video on how to repair avoidant attachment style.
Keep up the good work and continue making more videos to help more people with their relationship. Thank you.
Dude. All of the symptoms you describe fits my actions perfectly. I use video games as a distraction from my unhappiness. My wife got tired of me shelling off my feelings and wants a divorce. We have a child together and are both living in the house for the next week then we go live separately. Then we'll sell the house and dissolve the marriage. Then I'll be breaking all contact. When she told me she wanted divorce I was torn up for the first two weeks and did some of the bad stuff. Now I'm completely indifferent and feel nothing. I really want us to be together or at least I did at first. During the no contact should I cut her out completely at the cost of interacting with my son or what?
This video made me cry
I've been in the same type of relationship on and off for the past 6 years. I have the anxiety attachment style and the guy that I was dating had the avoidant attachment Style. It is very hard. He all of the sudden breaks up with me and I cannot understand why because we get along so great and then bam he's gone. this is my question, after he leaves me he tends to date people for anywhere from four months to a few years. how is it that he's able to date other people longer but he doesn't seem to date me as long? And, is there a certain type of person that he's able to date? or for that matter is there a certain type of person that I'm able to date? I'm 55 years old and I really do want a serious relationship I'm an awesome person and have a lot to offer. He says nothing but nice things about me and said I'm the nicest person he's ever met but I think he gets scared and runs. Please help me understand
Cindy Knight i am in same. I dont get it at all.
Cindy Knight -They are only involved with the others because they don't feel as much. Therefore they can stay longer. Their relationship with the others could be more shallow. I have just turned 56 and am changing myself for a more secure type. I'm done.
I am going through this now. I also have an anxious attachment. I feel your pain. Maybe the other women he's dating have a secure attachment and don't require so much from him like an anxious attachment individual would.
So I've only recently learned about these attachments styles (maybe just last summer) and watched plenty of videos. My husband of 19yrs/partner of 24 yrs I know now is a dimmissive avoidant. Early on in our relationship i would describe me as a secure type, but i definitely became the anxious type over plenty of the years because at the times i thought were unexpected where it seems my world / our relationship turns upside down. He would do a total 180 my DA partner would dismiss /avoid. if i ever expressed a feeling or need or even when it was external & not me, he withdrew , he would shut down, walk away, days silent...but could never express acknowledge why or what. Let me add most days are great. Even til now for 85% days of ea yr Life is good, we can be like besties , ppl all around us thru the yrs love us & admire our relationship externally . We are both genuinely warm & loving...he can express a level of understanding to others in their own life or relationship issues. But when the cave appears & he goes in he is DA strong . Hes gone. of course there is never an acknowledgment given to me when its needed, hed be cold , nonresponsive eye or in touch, im invisible, so i became anxious because it didn't make any sense how could this be same person who also is loving ? When he would come out of the cave...nothing. no profound clarity didn't want to talk about it. " why can't you Just let it go ?" I didn't understand how that was healthy for him nor me nor our own relationship, but i learned to not press, bcuz he would act up again. I learned to be clear to my needs in the moments that its warrented . I clearly noted a direct a simple touch , hug, i hear you, something vs nothing but essentially I felt alone days on end. Walking on glass, mind u the merry go around up most days dramatically drop out of the blue as if we had the worst relationship ever. i clearly remember a few fights where he would yell" what do you want from me? ", he could never reiterate or respond or communicate what i am clearly stating , physically id see a deranged look in his eyes like he couldn't process anything, he would explode , leave for endless hours. A handful of years ago, his cave tendecies became lengthier to days/ he would disappear for couple of days & these times would hurt so much more, my mind , is it me? What am i doing wrong , could there be someone else? I would ache But i eventual grew to a place where i knew i loved him enough to let him go that essentially i needed to love me again & recognize my needs. I knew that if it wasn't me that can help him be in better place in his life. If this love wasnt enough for him, It was OK. I told his family i told my family. I was ready to make this real. He disappeared for a couple of wks that yr.. but came back.. and although its been rough we are still together. We are different ppl in a marriage & partnership , we both know we want things better & we both know it takes work & consideration. he recently did the silent treatment for 3days. I woke up in middle of the night next to this person feeling crushed, alone, and that feeling passed. I carry on. This morning i offered a hug , and it was recieved. Will there a break through conversation the next few days? Prob not but i know i will be able to mention it and luckily may get a sentence or two. Again most of the year we r good? Its crazy... the partners of the DA definitely has the short end of the stick. They need be able to love themselves if they want to continue loving their partner and it isnt easy. I know he loves me, i know he doesn't understand why or what , but isnt actively seeking this kind of info, but hes better than before so there is growth (or wait does it feel the same? In times it feels like the same bs) . These videos have been so helpful and insightful to me because..in his DA epsiodes or depressive moments these vids help me remind me.. the guy has isssues he hasn't faced . its tough, it isnt a healthy balanced relationship in the toughest times. Can I keep going? Yes Until the day comes when i cant , yes i will keep going.
@@justmeh8769 wow, you are more of a woman than me. I could not continue with the sad empty lonely feeling my avoidant gave me..it was destroying me.
Likely my ex has the similar problem. We in a relation for 2.5 years. It was all good until the last 4 or 5months. She turn very cold whenever we hang out and always focus on her phone. I told her once how I don't like about this, she just tell me this isn't a big deal acting very defensive on my desire on her. Now we broke up for almost a month I try to not contract her as her as I could. And one day she text me saying to return me something but I need to offer her something first. I tried to offer help but she rejected in the end. I heard back from her friends she and her previous relationships were broke up similarly and without a proper reason. That's what she said. Sadly she was raised in a single family and her personality might be that's why she developed into a very decisive person and willing not listen to other people advices. I it's very hard for me to get back with her or talk to her this is the issue she might have.
Hello, Can someone with an avoidant attachment style become so dependent to their partner that they finally breakup if they can not have their partner with them all the time? Like if the partner has to leave for 2 weeks, they might feel abandone?
My ex broke up with me this week and told me she still wanted to be in my life but she just wasn't feeling the relationship. From what I've seen in your videos I believe she has an avoidant attachment style. When I talked to her about the breakup she said she just wanted too much space and felt that it was unfair to me blaming it on her depression (with seasonal spikes). She seemed like she didn't actively want to break it off but she didn't see any other option to salvage the relationship. A couple of days ago I finally told her I couldn't accept just being friends because I wanted a relationship with her and to let me know if she changed her mind. I haven't reached out to her since then. Coach Craig do you think I did the right thing? I really want her back but I don't want to force it. I want her to miss me and come back on her own. Do you think no contact will do any good the way I've handled it? Feel free to make a video on the topic if you feel it will help
Chase Wright hi, how’s it going?
Any update ?
Never ended up getting her back. Got over her and moved on. Ended up with another person after a year on my own. Ended up not working out again so it's back to the drawing board
Did she like breadcrumb u along the way or she's just stopped contacting u ?
@@sjm07400ex just stopped talking to me
Craig, I have read that Fearful/Anxious Avoidants are not typically the ones to reach back out after some time and space. Could you comment as to how this plays into the no contact rule?
They still may reach out. Every person is unique and an individual. There's no rule that says anyone, no matter what their attachment type, will or will not reach out. Flip a coin, those are the odds.
OMG! I went through the same thing with my last relationship! Craig described him to a T!
Hi Craig, ny avoidant husband has asked for a divorce and he’s adamant. What can I do to get him to change his mind ? We have two children, I need some advice. It’s been a true rollercoaster for 12 years for us. I’m very passionate & he’s v v cold and keeps everything in.
Does 'no contact' has any effect on avoidants?
Wonderful example, and teaching and insights from you, thank you CK.
Thanks :)
I have generalized anxiety disorder (anxious about everything) but as attachment i feel like I'm both depends on how the other person presses the right buttons
Hi Craig. My current girl im certain is extremely into me. She says how good the sex all the time and when we are together we both cant stop looking into each others eyes. And yet at times she gets very passive aggressive with me, actually tells me she doesnt like me (even when gazing into my eyes and holding hands), gaslights frequently espicially when i bring up things shed said that indicate future plans or comittment, wont kiss and cuddle after sex, is very controlling, doesnt do a thing for me or pay for a thing. My birthday was a few days ago and she didnt even get me a present or make any plans. I cracked it with her on text and she said "stop being a drama queen i told you id take you to dinner". This was a lie and i told her to stop gaalighting me and sent her a link about what it is. She didnt respond at all its been days now and my head is screwed. Im thinking of doing a 30 day no contact
Was wondering if you had any advice?
Jump ship while you still can lol
what does it take for a man to change this. how can he be happy with anyone? and yes it is a very passionate relationship
I'm so confused. I thought it was the other way around? I thought that the neglected child grew up to have an anxious and insecure attachment style?
Been married a long time. My
spouse up & left. Spouse has been gone a long time yet, she still wants to stay married. How long a separation is reasonable. I dont want to be
taken advantage of. Nor do I want to be hurt. What do I do?
I think most men have avoidance attachment style, and most women have anxious.
Dead wrong.. I think it's the other way around from personal experience
Im anxious, my girlgriend is avoidant.
I agree with you Linda
can the no contact work with avoidant?
My girlfriend was like this at the beginning but she opened up a lot to me about her early life but later on she revealed indirectly to me (or accidentally) that there's more things to be revealed, so I'm not sure if she's really an avoidant or if I'm overly anxious (clingy) or maybe it's both
Sounds like the gentlemen I dated for 4 months and he's 62.
I have a question. How can one differentiate between a behavior that is caused by an Anxious attachment style and someone who suffers from GAD? Are there specific markers to look for? Thanks.
This is all like with narcissists
You can't help someone who dint want help
I love the wisdom. But why do these coaches have average audio? A talk channel should have a really great microphone.
It’s not that bad
What happens if you avoid an avoidant attachment style when you’re upset with them?
Great video! amazing explanation... I love that you are elaborating on attachment styles as I believe is very interesting and important to know about it to really understand how we relate to others.... Do you only do online coaching? what if someone is from your area?
Weird question: do you think mindfulness meditation can help with this? I have been spending time just learning to re-parent myself by being with those uncomfortable feelings. It really helps to meditate and just feel them. I feel better able to cope each time. But my therapist said it may not actually be helpful to just sit with them. What is your thoughts on that?
I learned too trust people. People taught me they are untrustworthy. Never ending circle.
Hi Craig, It's Shannon, You should do a video on love addiction. :)
This is so close to my experience, it's rather amazing and fascinating. How can we offer or suggest that someone seek help? I was going to buy him a coaching session as a christmas present, but I don't think he'd actually use it. Maybe I should just get one for myself.
This sounds so much like me and my ex. I'm Anxious and he is Advoidant. I was so oblivious to him 😭😭😭
Hi coach Craig- can a narcissistic mother cause the Avoidant tendency?
thank you and have fun on your cruise!
Thanks :)
craig, how does talking about trauma help?
That's how the human brain heals :)
Should I reach out to my ex who broke up with me because I was avoidant and took him for granted? Or should I go no contact anyway?
I have this exact same scenario with my ex. And I need help with this break up. Everything from the lack of trust. To the abuse and the family issues. We have a five year relationship history.
i have an avoidant attachment style, working on it
The Knowledge will help A LOT
when you say symptoms of trauma include flashbacks and nightmares would night terrors/sleep paralysis be in that category as well? i use to get those a lot, not too much recently though.
More evidence fathers are needed in the home. Women need to show more discernment as to who they have children with and then who they allow in the home, what a horrible childhood and explains why she’s turned to women for romantic relationships, we really need more research into this. There are studies that actually show that father single parent families do better than single mother homes, maybe this will teach more responsibility if this was the default again.
Great video Coach Craig.. I am going through a break up and in November I plan on signing up for( if i cant not help myself) email coaching. So were you safe during the hurricane Matthew ? I hope your property was unharmed too.
Thank you yes it was not bad by me. I look forward to working with you!
You are so welcome coach Craig. A few of my friends came back here to Tennessee while the storm was happening. Yes I look forward to working with you as well. It is embarrassing I have my masters in psychology but can not help myself thoroughly enough.
_about:blank_
can we evolve a relationship more to secure from avoidant?