Kieran Marsden The inability to communicate our thoughts through language is the real barrier. I think the complete phenomenological isolation of minds is responsible for this.
Sometimes I think it would be wonderful if we could all just plug our brain stems into one and other. Then I realize that would literally be schizophrenia. Not to mention I feel like something would be lost in the process. In a way there's something beautiful about Cartesian isolation.
There's a line from the Hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy noting that when technology made translation perfectly understood by all parties diplomacy broke down in out and out war much more often. "Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation."
This channel has gotten me through the worst times. I have learned and grown so much from the insights that your content has given me. Thank you so much.
that wouldn't entirely work, in some cases. I agree with your general intention behind it, but there still needs to be balance of learning about the outside/non-conscious parts of the world and the inside ones. Right now, the system is totally skewed towards learning the external knowledge. What you're proposing is skewing the system into the other extreme. Neither extremes are good. I'd say something around 60:40 or 70:30 internal to external knowledge would be a reasonable balance, because yes, loads and loads of external knowledge is best gotten in practice/when needed/from your own initiative (because you're interested, rather than because someone told you you have to know that stuff).
While emotional translation is important in a relationship, I daresay that being completely, actively, and consciously honest with each other is much more important and sustainable in the long run. If both parties are just simply honest with each other, there is no room for doubt and misinterpretation in the relationship. As the admittedly more anxious party in the relationship, the assurance of complete honesty and the accompanying mutual trust in both my partner and in the relationship helps keep me sane. The fact that my boyfriend and I can count on the other always being honest about their feelings all the time and every time just makes the whole business of relationships easier and more enjoyable.
That is exactly what I thought! Our feelings are the sum of who we are, without honesty its becomes a game of hide and seek. Two emancipated persons have no need for translators or fall into misinterpretations...
ATAXIA424 True, but why not consciously try and make the necessary effort to be honest? Sure, it's going to be difficult and painful, but everything worth doing almost always is.
Pretending to be something other than oneself is dishonest. Another form of dishonesty is trying to fit in, its not to the same as emulating or empathizing. Hypocrisy is the result of being punished for being honest. If we want people to be honest we need to stop hurting them for being authentic. But remember that truly a honest person will not hurt or manipulate another. Respect and responsibility is the essence of honesty.
I feel like it should be the responsibility of each partner to be honest and direct with the other, saying what they mean and what they want to be understood. You should never expect your partner to be able to decode your subtext and you shouldn't try to assume that your partner is trying to say something that they didn't say. If you love someone, be honest and vulnerable with them.
It's crazy how my parents taught me the exact opposite growing up. I've never had good relationships and I couldn;t understand why until I met my current boyfriend who is very honest and knows how to listen and that's what changed my perspective on life. I always thought people meant things that they weren't saying or saying things that they didn't really mean.
very much agrees, especially manipulation and controlling behavior don't need to be decoded for anything else they are: not acceptable and emotionally damaging
"The desire to control procedurally is often a symptom of a fear of losing one's partner emotionally. One has to feel quite out of control to become controlling."
It's why I gently say exactly what I want to say. It may cause a sting for a short time...but I always remind my partner that if we don't talk about a problem now...it would just snowball and end up being blown out of proportion later on and, or, would cause one or both of us to become bitter. Just be honest and open with yourself and with your partner.
this would be really fascinating... I ask myself this question a lot, and what I came to decide is that I don't (rationally) want to leave a mark on the world anymore. This makes everything so much easier, but of course, i have to remind myself of it almost every day, because I keep coming back to trying to leave a mark.
leila es I personally just go the nihilistic way. The universe doesnt care about us, we exist for a nanosecond of its timespan, so theres no need to feel pressured to leave a mark. I just want to do everything I want to in my life and help other people, because time passes by so quickly. The marks people leave disappear almost instantly, and the legacies left behind us dont make our name remembered. So fuck marks. Live now. Thats just my view.
Does it truly come down to leaving a mark on the world, or is it more about embodying what it means to be your ideal self, a good person, a greater good? Does it come down to fame and recognition, or standing up for what is good inside you, starting with the first step?
I am constantly binge watching your videos. I think there is so much that the school systems fail to teach us which is how to deal with our emotions, and not feel shame for speaking openly about hurt, fears, etc. I am so grateful for your channel. It is so thorough, informative, reassuring, and the messages are always well executed. I am obsessed!! You have no idea! I spent the last 4 hrs watching because it is all my watch later and my recommended section has.
This is by far, one of the best videos you've make, mainly because not only explains the concept in an easy and understandable manner, you show examples and whatnot, but you also offer solutions or ways to improve the situation, which some videos don't do. Thanks for this
How do you know your translation is accurate? The partner may actually say what they mean and your own internal censor May warp it to fit your preconceived notions. It seems this video assumes that your translation is accurate and the speaker is obfuscating.
+Steven Calkum I'm with you on that. I also suffer through the inverse of someone trying to guess my thoughts which becomes her building things in her mind that she then attributes to me. One of which is almost like a line from a sitcom: Her: Are you angry? Me: No. Her: You seem upset. Me: I'm not. I'm just thinking. Her: You can tell me what's troubling you. Me: There's nothing to tell. Her:Just tell me. At this point I *am* irritated because she's being a pest. She reads it as confirmation that she *knew* something was wrong.
Bruce Dunn She's insecure, and all you can do is try to be consistently yourself. She may begin to trust you in time. Remember, it's not about you, and cut her some slack.
School of life deals with general tendencies. The general tendency is that excessive value is given the rational and 'objective' (whatever that means in he realm of love), so in order to be better lovers we need to deal with our emotions better. Of course there are cases in which rationality is needed, but in general emotional intelligence is lacking. Why focus on something there is already (generally) a surplus of?
This is one of your best videos so far. What you say is so true, yet so difficult to do. Also I believe not many people are aware of the importance of interpreting our partner's words, instead of just listening to their surface.
I can understand the sentiment in this video, and there are many instances in my relationship. However, I worry that many might accept unusually higher levels of verbal and emotional abuse, under the guise of misunderstanding and need for acceptance. The balance is between empathy and safety.
Are you sure it's fear of intimacy? I thought I suffered from that but then I looked up the definitions and symptoms and discovered that I actually have a fear of entrapment, which is almost opposite. Both are apparently treatable though with therapy. All the best!
Sometimes you just end up projecting your own emotions onto another person when you attempt to interpret the hidden meaning behind the surface of their words. This has gotten me into Sooo much trouble. I think a video about how to communicate clearly and concisely would've been more practical. Each example given here was really just a matter that could've been resolved with open and honest communication, rather than a convoluted game of guessing what your partner is thinking..
i agree but most people don't understand emotions & feelings. clear and direct communication doesn't solve that issue, unfortunately. healthy education about emotions & feelings is the first step.
I simply love your videos, found you yesterday and wow... I home educate my daughter and these are now a staple of our learning. I chose to home educate because you can get academic intelligence at any age, but emotional intelligence is better taught to a child... so she is so emotionally intelligent and this helps her grow more. Thankyou x
Jesus this is all so true... It's not just " listening" it's also decoding and interpretation in relationships. This is what makes them so hard! Imagine if we all practiced this instead of running away from our own emotions and assuming so blatantly what's only on the surface of our partner's words, relationships could be so much more.. Nowadays, there are so many distractions ( meaning, THAT DAMN CELL PHONE), I feel somewhat hopeless that everyone is so out of tune with themselves, that it does make it that much harder for their partners to understand them as well... I'm not perfect, but I know my flaws.. I've been on a self discovering journey these past 2 months and have become so mindful of the true meaning behind my emotions, reactions etc, i truly feel free.. I wish everyone dug deep into their subconscious and ego.. It's called mindfulness, and I promise its the gateway to loving yourself, having more compassion to yourself, and this will in turn mirror to those around you.... Love to all...
This channel has tought me great lessons in love and life. I appreciate and honor your effort in creating a better world, where people are more conscious of themselves. I would love to see a video about breakups. Need some insight on how to handle them in the best way. Thanks you.
this made me cry. my four year relationship ended because of an issue similar to the one discussed in the video. heart break is an unfavorable human thing to go through. it hurts a lot.
School of Life...As a cumulative result of watching many of your videos and visiting with a face to face psychologist today, I have realised that my decision to avoid romance altogether as a way of avoiding similar disasters to those of the past has been severe, and may actually limit my potential for growth and happiness. For me, this is big. Thank you for this and other helpful videos.
I don't like the message of this video. You encourage listener to read the mind of the other person... That makes no sense to me. That is a great burden (for listener) that can lead up to much greater confusion, if we are not good at guessing what could possibly be wrong (since it's impossible to read minds and really know). People should be encouraged to open up to their loved ones, taught how to overcome fear, shame or confusion. Also, people should be encouraged to be patient, kind and caring as a listener, taught how to relieve their loved one from shame or fear, in order to have a mature conversation which can clarify misunderstandings and lead to resolving problems.
Encouragement to open to a loved one and overcoming shame and fear can be facilitated by having the ability to emotionally translate what the other person is experiencing so you can respond helpfully. This stance takes what your partner says as either exactly what they meant to communicate or something you have no way of guessing or gleaning insight into. People are generally not good at communicating their feelings/messages very well. And we can learn to glean insight into the troubling feelings of our partner as we develop our emotional translating skills. I think what you mention in your second paragraph would be great to help you cultivate this ability, and that emotional translating can become second nature in certain situations. My ability has improved with time, and it has smoothed out my relationships tremendously to be able to accurately translate/empathize with friends.
Yup. Not all of us have grown up in emotionally supportive environments or even live in one now. It's not impossible to overcome, but it means that it will take longer for us to open up when we do encounter a safe emotional environment.
Patrick Dement, I don't know what in my comment made you think that I already don't have this ability, but ok... Having the ability is only partially helpful. I translate very well and I am persistent in trying to get the partner to open up, but in the end, it always depends on the partner. The part of the video I especially didn't like is the one about the device for emotional translation. For me, in the ideal future, we would all graduate from The School of Life (and Love) and be there for our loved ones in times of hardships.
It is not mind reading per se that is being advocated, but an awareness of the importance of traversing the gap or lack between what is said and what is meant. A demand for one thing (do this for me) can often be a demand for something completely different (love me). This is bridged, although never fully, through ongoing conversation and attempts at interpretation. An interpretation should not always aim at complete accuracy, but perhaps be evocative. Taking a teaching approach to the other is to send signals they should repress ideas, topics, actions or emotions you may find hurtful, threatening or distasteful. What if I encourage full honesty, yet find myself appalled at what is desired by the other, but act in a way that is objectively kind, considerate or patient, am I not being dishonest? Further, could this teaching approach promote an unequal power dynamic, perhaps a controlling or repressive one? This video is, I would venture, for participants within relationships, not those outside, an important consideration.
Or people learn to say what they mean, instead of running around the bush and the partner having to guess the problem. I'm very direct and can't stand people who don't say their true intentions.
Isabelle Layla You hit the spot. LEARN. Most people dont have this skill yet and until they are ready the only thing you can do is trying to understand. But society should definitly emphasize the importence of frankness since the decision between it and politeness is not only based on your own true believe but rather what you suppose people will thibk of you. Social pressure plays a big role in such things...
mon0t0n It's worse when you're married with this kind of person. It's like being married with a shadow, never knowing how they really are and what they really think and feel. Often this person will waste years of your life pretending everything is ok. Then they cheat or leave suddenly, finally admitting they always wanted a way out. Damn cowards, manipulating jerks.
yosra tag then you negotiate. In a healthy relationship both partners have to be satisfied. Like ok, do this for me and I'll do that for you. To get something you give something. If they refuse all the time to compromise, leave that person. They will make you feel miserable, angry and frustrated.
I understand the guidance here. I don't think it's insisting we mind read or overlook the actual message we've received. I think this reminds us that different people are at different stages of ability, insight, mindfulness, awareness etc in their own communication. And it's always wise to think critically (not to be confused with refraining from compassion and trust) about all information you receive. If you understand that your partner has many mental obstacles, possibly constructed of childhood habits and insecurities, then you know those things may be filters through which their message traverses before reaching you. You couldn't make that assessment about someone you don't know intimately--so it's not utter mind reading. But, let's be sensible: This is an issue in their hands (And if you have similar communication breakdowns, that's your problem to handle). Nobody should be expected to be an interpreter forever, (and there's never going to be a translator better than direct honesty) and if a partner isn't striving to understand themselves, their needs, their desires & expectations in both the relationship, and their own selves, then eventually the surrounding problems will escalate to an unbearable degree, even if you two can go on maintaining civility. Listen to your heart, and then have the courage give it a proper voice that is forthright and genuine. Beware a partner who protects their inability to convey themselves; there is an obstruction in their mind & soul that is winning out over connecting with you. I suggest you don't buy into endless symptomatic treatment of that by trying to guess (no matter how educated) and coax, and confront the literal fact that they're not engaging you. Say you're safe to be someone they can come forward for, and make sure you mean it--that means no taking out your frustrations, however warranted, on them through your own backhanded methods. Represent the communication you want to receive. Then, take care of yourself. The rest is in their hands. If they can't overcome what they need to overcome for the relationship, your guys' timeframe for being ready and able or willing to actively aim to become able to connect may simply not be in sync. That's a tip to let go, to some degree.
This gets dangerously close to explaining away symptoms of abuse. Abusers do tend to be highly anxious and insecure, with a sense of self that is tenuous at best. De Botton is correct, that attempts to control a partner in the practical sense often come from an inability to self-regulate. But let me make this clear: when a partner is unable to rescue their own selves from that inner chaos, the result can be a toxic environment for us. And if we manage the kind of understanding that de Botton is describing but the change stops there, the relationship continues to damage us. Sometimes the partner can't change and it has nothing to do with how understanding or reassuring we are. It is just that they aren't ready. For one's own safety, it's better to move on, no matter how well we comprehend the state our partner is in, because our remaining may infact reinforce their patterns. Especially if we have been locked in a cycle of enabling that we aren't aware of. There are times when we can accomplish nothing by being more loving. If the situation is dangerous, physically or psychologically, and there is only resistance to change, then it's time to leave.
I always enjoy the school of life videos specially related to relationships because i feel they really relate to me and the type of relationship i have. I also understand how many people may look from a different perspective into pointing out how something can be thought differently or in a bad way entirely. Completely get it. What i do believe it all depends on the type of relationship you have for this to make sense or not. I believe i have had plenty to know there are so many variations of relaitonships with multiple interactions and decodings. For some reason the type of relationship they describe often in this channel here really makes sense to me. I believe its the type of relationship i looked for for years, where brutal honesty and deep caring at the same time have really dug deep in me. It has never been easy, but at the same time it has never run this deep with anyone and i completely adore it. Its easy to avoid the assholes in life, but its never easy to live in an island where you expect everything to be perfect for you to interact with the one you are interested in. Love is sloppy, ridiculous and necessary, even at your worst days, when everything has gone to shit and you have been a complete asshole you still need your home to be there, specially if you have ever lived in a place where it never felt like a good home to be around. You need someone who would understand you even at your worst and forgive you when you feel you are completely shamed, and for shame to be there its because you have done something you are ashamed of. Never in my life had i ever had that relationship where i would ask for forgiveness to something i would just run away from easily. its a confort i would totally recommend to anyone. I understand boundaries its what we have to maintain control in our lives and not get hurt, but the truth is, if you are with a brave person, you can let go of them, mess up and then find confort in not having to have them around anymore, to fool around like kids even rough playing without being afraid it might go too far and if you do get sore be able to stop and cuddle each other. Its a wonderful feeling but you need to push your boundaries, specially if you have trust issues like me.
I think this video is talking about one possible scenario...of course you get to choose what you want to do. Life lesson always leaves the deepest impressions.
Today, in the kindergarten I work, I had a curious experience. To girls where playing each their own game besides each other. Then another child came and joined in one of the girls game. The other girl was dissapointed that the newcomer didn't join her game and got a distinct expression of sadness on her face. The girl, whom the newcomer had joined her game, saw the expression of her friend, expect she didn't saw her expression as dissapointment but as anger. She then became angry at the dissapointed girl in which she in return became angry at her because she misread her feelings. The discussion that followed became meaningless and without end. I had to break up their fight and explain to them that rather than being angry at someone who is upset about you, you should ask: I see you are angry at me, can you please tell me why because I do not understand? Maybe it turns out the other wasn't angry at you, just dissapointed that someone else found the other ones game more fun than hers. In that manner they could all have come up with a game that included everyone. When I saw this I realized how many adults repeat this ''childish'' fight between each other. I do not think the word childish has any meaning in real life because every thing we adults do is just a continuation of what we did as children. I have never in my life, not a single time, met an adult that wasn't ''childish'' in some way. Childish is just another word for being human. Far too many people have never learned that they should ask another person to explain their feelings, instead of interpreting themselves and immediatly jumping on the defence. This inevitably ends in talking another one down which leads to endless downwards spiral of misery and conflict. Until someone finally is strong enough to take step back and ask the other why he seems so angry at her. So next time, instead of saying: you always get angry at me, or, you always seem so dissapointed of me; rather ask: I see you are angry, can you tell me why you feel that way towards me? Maybe the other one finally get's the opportunity to express why he is frustrated? Maybe he's scared of something, or something at work is bothering him? Never judge a book by its cover.
I think the intention is nice, but it's somewhat misdirected. We can't read minds, and referring to it as a translation implies we have an understanding of what someone is saying, and the capacity to somehow infer from that what's unstated. That's a process which is bound to be riddled by errors.
Oh damn this describes in near perfect detail the way in which my marriage dissolved. I could feel her slipping away and tried to increase my control of the relationship, down to the very same demand she be home by 7pm because I had cooked dinner that night. Since then I've learnt and grown a lot, but it's much better to earn these lessons through SoL than the hard way I did it.
best is to "listen" to the actions of a person. the example in the video is exactly my ex-relationship. my girlfriend was getting aggressive and demanding, often telling me "i hate you", while i was always exaggerating her qualities and stuff i like about her. many of these times i physically NEEDED to turn my back at her. also my actions in daily life were plotting an end of relationship, so my words (which surprisingly i still think were true) ment nothing. after a few years since we split, i still think of her in the same ideal terms/words i told her, but it seems that inspite my love for her, i still decided to leave.. so.. actions peak louder than words
Randy that doesnt change the fact that stuff like saying 'nothing is wrong' then getting pissed that people believe you is dumb, and that the fault is really with the speaker and not the person who 'misinterpreted' it.
People aren't honest, not even the ones who say they are. Everyone has vulnerabilities, and thereby has ways to defend those vulnerabilities. There are no people that will just let everything out. We're always hiding stuff.
Man! So weird how so much of what this channel posts, seem so in line with what what I'm experiencing. *insert Twilight Zone music*. Love it. So useful!
on the other hand, it is also a duty to decode our own feelings and communicate them as well as possible. --> less misunderstanding, less interpretation necessary. it is called direct communication. it helps, a lot. but you have to practise and reflect a lot, too.
Is not about reading minds or accept an alternative to practice honesty. From where I can see, this channel is not about how things should be, but how things actually are, and we can best deal with them.
I've actually found great value in doing the opposite. On a main basis of plain factual information, what I mean is what I say. I also no longer waste time and sanity constantly making assumptions whether other people's statements really imply something else than what they verbalise. Unless they step forward with it, I won't try and talk for them. In my opinion, the latter is the way to wreck yourself, but you do you, Schooloflife.
You're saying, "people." I agree with you pertaining to people in general, but do you act the same way with your loved ones? Wouldn't you say the circumstances are much different with people who expect you to know them intimately?
Jeremiah Holes abuse is abuse. Better to call out the terrible behavior for what it is: a lack of love, respect and empathy. Life is too short, too precious to spend it with an asshole.
But there is also a whole world in which you can live through a different lens, one where people aren't complicated and other's can love you for just you too.
I went to your website and looked at the job section: I was really suprised and upset that u r one of those companys who won't pay their interns... How can this be?????? In your videos u claim for such a "pro-humanistic" world with non-kapital values. This is really disappointed !
Here is a funny example: The woman says: - I am cold. ( Because she wants to be hugged ) And the man says: - Why don't you go get your jacket?! Male friends, please don't feel offended! I am sure we women don't get a lot off stuff either:-) That's why this is a very important lesson. But what got me thinking the most is the " fucking asshole" part. Himmm..... When your partner shouts at you saying this kind of stuff, to see it as a sign of love and trust is an extremely noble and generous interpretation. So you think he feels you so close that he has no trouble showing his darkest sides to you. But frankly I have ABSOLUTELY no interest in getting " that close" to anybody. If you have done that sacrifice once and know what a torture it is, than you also have the right to say the following: For this life of mine, that was it. If all this is a sign of love, then I want to be loved less, but treated properly! It is a much better deal. You will have much less bad memories at the end of your life. This is such a wise and tender lesson with a lot of truth in it. But this translation business has its very , very dark sides too. You are supposed to " assume" a lot of stuff about "the other", based on your kindness and good will. But you'll never be able to know, if what you are assuming is true or not. It is all like gambling. You may lose a lot of time. Time of your life. As Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. So it may well be that this guy is shouting and swearing at you, because he simply doesn't care about you. He behaves this way NOT because he trusts you and loves you, but because he thinks you love him so much that you could never leave. I am afraid it could well be "contempt" rather than trust what makes people behave this way. I mean the way Shakespeare describes it: "Upon familiarity will grow more contempt". But as always, thanks so much for this valuable lesson. I will keep everything in mind. The animation was excellent too!
He behaves this way NOT because he trusts you and loves you, but because he thinks you love him so much that you could never leave...... Yes I was thinking the same thing. A narcissist doesn't love themselves, they (can be) deluded into thinking their false self is true and perfect and everyone loves him and could never leave his presence. On the flip side, a narcissist can think they are unlovable and therefore pushes one away because can't maintain false self for too long, it's exhausting. Anyhow, both describe your point.
I have to say, I've thought about it and I disagree strongly with the final message of this video. I think it, in classic School of Life fashion, very succinctly and correctly locates the problem; namely that the basic structure of human desire is often incompatible with decency and that the difficulty of trying to reconcile this incompatibility can contort our methods of expression in counterintuitive ways. It also, and once again with that deliciously plain-spoken, School of Life flair, correctly identifies the need for softness and generosity in our understanding of one another. But I think it makes a very important mistake when it locates the seat of moral responsibility inside the person who is being aggressed on. Passively or not, it is very important to our personal and spiritual maturity, and therefore also to our love lives, for us to understand the true sources of our own nasty feelings, and to then develop the tools, like acceptance, anger management, or articulation, to reorganize our being into something that is more fundamentally decent. This exercise in doubt and self reflection is the essence of decency, a thesis implicitly accepted by anyone who would endeavor to make a video with the aims of this one. Lastly it would be wrong not to point out that this practice of disbelieving your lover when they are nasty has the trappings of a victim's mentality. How often have we shaken our heads in defeated sadness when watching a black-eyed spouse say something like "He didn't mean it, he really loves me, he's just under a lot of stress right now." That maybe true but that in no way makes it the aggressed upon party's responsibility to placate the aggressor. Rather the responsibility lies squarely with the aggressor, to understand their self and to control their self. Conversely it is utterly wrong headed to disbelieve expressions of love because the person expressing that love may be experiencing the absence of it. Rather it is expressing love when we don't feel very much like doing so that is the essence of the beauty in long term commitment. If we only make our love visible when we are feeling all rosy and warm we will not turn out to be very helpful or conscientious partners. Wedding vows are all about death, sickness and poverty for exactly this reason. I am a huge fan of School of Life, but I really think they missed the mark on this one. I of course welcome any discussion or disagreement on the topic. Cheers from America fellow thinkers. Sorry about Trump.
Extra caution is required when the relationship is in the Negative Sentiment Override phase. Preconceived notions and assumptions about the other person's feelings can actually run contrary to what they actually mean, making misunderstandings that much worse. "That's the opposite of what I said; aren't you listening to me?"
the best for comunicating is to be honest and sincere, and to say the things clearly. Its very tiring trying to guess and decode the hidden messages, if you have a good relationship with your partner I believe she or he can tell you what happens. This kind of behaviour (saying the opposite of what you want) is known as double bind and is one of the main causes of all the couple issues, and of some mental disorders like schizophrenia.
I think it would be about how an artist lays bear thier thoughts and feelings, asking for the world to understand and listen..... To hopefully love... But hearing nothing. Having to understand that something so dear to you can mean nothing to others.... That is torture.
Yes, even though to all of us it seems like the simple logical solution is to just be open and honest and say what you want to say at all times, as this video explained this is simply not how human nature works. We've all been there and done that at some point in time (even if convince ourselves that we haven't). We are not machines, we experience feelings and emotions and those affect greatly what we say and how we behave towards others in our lives. It is no excuse, by all means, but for the person on the other side it's not asking too much to try to put effort in understanding either.
I learn so much more important practical stuff from these videos than from my homework! (which helps explain why I keep procrastinating on ti). I should watch School of Life's video on procrastination next :)
Painful to watch, I just lost my 6 year relationship and have only now realize all the things I misunderstood about myself and her. At the very minimum I am learning about myself, my mistakes, my own kind of insanity, insecurities, fears. . . It has truly been eye opening to the extent that the person I thought I was is quite different in reality. It's been hard to accept without heavy self-criticism. I never thought self-compassion was so hard to practice and internalize. Break ups are in a way a blessing in disguise, at least in the respect that it takes you through self-discovery and understanding.
this is so familiar to me, as I study gestalt psychology, which I absolutely recommend to everyone (there´s no need to have previous psychological knowledge)
The emotional translation is not only for couples, it should apply in all your loved ones, like, let's say your mother, mine is always screaming at me for thing i dont have the fault, because she has problems and sees no one else to blame, indeed, everyone always blames me for whatever goes wrong: my brother, my dad, yeah, pretty tough -cries-
Hasn't anyone else noticed how British this particular piece is? I don't believe this advice is universal. Delicate emotional decoding and face saving shouldn't be so necessary. If your relationship can't stand the weight of open, clear communication then maybe it's not worth it or even viable. Politeness and diplomacy have their place, but those qualities are not the mark of a truly intimate relationship. It takes courage to be forthright, to have real conversations, but it's certainly worth it for the health of your relationship.
Did anyone else feel like it became almost too fantastically intellectual as to make it seem some sort of satirical thing, or basically like so ridiculous and complex that it felt like some sort of dream or nightmare description of reality, but with an essence of truth?
That's really nice, but I sense that perhaps I have some kind of autism. I'm not good about emotions and I feel uncomfortable with people expressing them. I like to rely on straight forward words than ambiguous contexts that a lot of time I get wrong. I know that my wish won't fulfill, but at the same time, I can't be someone else. Truly, I feel kind lost.
You know, I did appreciate this video, but the ending is extremely disconcerting once we get to 5:35 Why does the ideal future entail a technology that externalizes the work put into understanding and ultimately connecting with each other, that it is a "legitimate part of the effort of love"? I'm really not sure if this was entailed as a lightly nuance frivolous joke, or if this was meant in earnest-- either way, it isn't funny. When you're a channel/organization that supports inner growth, it runs counter, and it is confusing, and ultimately belittling of the human condition, to normalize technology as the means for all this internal understanding necessary as meaningful, loving, intelligent human beings. It seems even the school of life fetishizes technology as the solution to complexities, rather than accept that the difficulties of life are a given, and are what makes life truly meaningful (see an alternative to happiness: eudaemonia). Whether joke or not, you cannot reduce down animal being and the human condition in this way, for life is emergent and it is transcendent.
Super interesting, I feel I do this a lot, try to see the deeper meaning. But I think I can often perceive things wrongly, when you worry about your partner you assume things are wrong even if they say things are okay
I say what I mean. If I don't ask for what I want that's on me. I hate it when people make assumptions about what I'm saying. Better to ask questions. Be curious. Learn to communicate that way until understanding is gained. No two people use language the same way so communication is best anyway.
I love this channel and narrator's voice. Please keep doing these. I think a feminine voice(like the one in your on feeling melancholy video) would be more suited to some of the topics you guys post videos on.
I like most of your videos, but I can't say I'm a fan of this one. Healthy communication includes continuing to listen until the other person is sure you understand them correctly. Not assuming you know what they meant.
Language... The greatest bridge and barrier.
Kieran Marsden The inability to communicate our thoughts through language is the real barrier. I think the complete phenomenological isolation of minds is responsible for this.
TMZbluesoldier23 absolutely. Language is simply a tool, not a perfect one... It often helps, but rarely gets the job done absolutely.
Sometimes I think it would be wonderful if we could all just plug our brain stems into one and other. Then I realize that would literally be schizophrenia. Not to mention I feel like something would be lost in the process. In a way there's something beautiful about Cartesian isolation.
TMZbluesoldier23 and also we would lose language, and with it perhaps literature. Like you said, we would lose a lot aswel.
There's a line from the Hitch-hikers guide to the galaxy noting that when technology made translation perfectly understood by all parties diplomacy broke down in out and out war much more often. "Meanwhile, the poor Babel fish, by effectively removing all barriers to communication between different races and cultures, has caused more and bloodier wars than anything else in the history of creation."
This channel has gotten me through the worst times. I have learned and grown so much from the insights that your content has given me. Thank you so much.
Ivan S you're late mate that trends been on for months haha its almost 2017 and you are just now pointing it out?
***** Not really. It's a fairly old movie.
***** What do you mean?
The Guardian d
it's the narrator's soothing voice :P
Stuff like this should be in the morning news, every day
I say we should replace our entire education system with information like this, have everything else be self taught or on the spot training!
that wouldn't entirely work, in some cases.
I agree with your general intention behind it, but there still needs to be balance of learning about the outside/non-conscious parts of the world and the inside ones.
Right now, the system is totally skewed towards learning the external knowledge. What you're proposing is skewing the system into the other extreme. Neither extremes are good.
I'd say something around 60:40 or 70:30 internal to external knowledge would be a reasonable balance, because yes, loads and loads of external knowledge is best gotten in practice/when needed/from your own initiative (because you're interested, rather than because someone told you you have to know that stuff).
And taught all through preschool, elementary, JH and HS.
While emotional translation is important in a relationship, I daresay that being completely, actively, and consciously honest with each other is much more important and sustainable in the long run. If both parties are just simply honest with each other, there is no room for doubt and misinterpretation in the relationship. As the admittedly more anxious party in the relationship, the assurance of complete honesty and the accompanying mutual trust in both my partner and in the relationship helps keep me sane. The fact that my boyfriend and I can count on the other always being honest about their feelings all the time and every time just makes the whole business of relationships easier and more enjoyable.
That is exactly what I thought!
Our feelings are the sum of who we are, without honesty its becomes a game of hide and seek. Two emancipated persons have no need for translators or fall into misinterpretations...
but most people are not capable of honesty 100% of the time, and then "this" happens
ATAXIA424 True, but why not consciously try and make the necessary effort to be honest? Sure, it's going to be difficult and painful, but everything worth doing almost always is.
Pretending to be something other than oneself is dishonest. Another form of dishonesty is trying to fit in, its not to the same as emulating or empathizing. Hypocrisy is the result of being punished for being honest.
If we want people to be honest we need to stop hurting them for being authentic. But remember that truly a honest person will not hurt or manipulate another. Respect and responsibility is the essence of honesty.
What would be the difference between emulating and trying to fit in?
I feel like it should be the responsibility of each partner to be honest and direct with the other, saying what they mean and what they want to be understood. You should never expect your partner to be able to decode your subtext and you shouldn't try to assume that your partner is trying to say something that they didn't say. If you love someone, be honest and vulnerable with them.
It's crazy how my parents taught me the exact opposite growing up. I've never had good relationships and I couldn;t understand why until I met my current boyfriend who is very honest and knows how to listen and that's what changed my perspective on life. I always thought people meant things that they weren't saying or saying things that they didn't really mean.
Yes please. It shouldn't be anyone's job to read the mind of other people.
Yes, thank you. it’s like being immature and manipulative making others do something indirectly, as per your desire.
Exactly. Thank you
very much agrees, especially manipulation and controlling behavior don't need to be decoded for anything else they are: not acceptable and emotionally damaging
"The desire to control procedurally is often a symptom of a fear of losing one's partner emotionally. One has to feel quite out of control to become controlling."
Yeah that shit is deep. I now realize why my ex tried to control me so much. She felt as though she was losing me emotionally...
It's why I gently say exactly what I want to say. It may cause a sting for a short time...but I always remind my partner that if we don't talk about a problem now...it would just snowball and end up being blown out of proportion later on and, or, would cause one or both of us to become bitter. Just be honest and open with yourself and with your partner.
Could you guys make a video about how we feel like we need to leave a mark on the world
this would be really fascinating... I ask myself this question a lot, and what I came to decide is that I don't (rationally) want to leave a mark on the world anymore. This makes everything so much easier, but of course, i have to remind myself of it almost every day, because I keep coming back to trying to leave a mark.
leila es I personally just go the nihilistic way. The universe doesnt care about us, we exist for a nanosecond of its timespan, so theres no need to feel pressured to leave a mark. I just want to do everything I want to in my life and help other people, because time passes by so quickly. The marks people leave disappear almost instantly, and the legacies left behind us dont make our name remembered. So fuck marks. Live now. Thats just my view.
knighthood complex.... I'll make a vid lol
jasmine es where are you frm?
Does it truly come down to leaving a mark on the world, or is it more about embodying what it means to be your ideal self, a good person, a greater good? Does it come down to fame and recognition, or standing up for what is good inside you, starting with the first step?
It's good to be honest and communicate openly. Being yourself can help avoid a partner who's bad for you.
I am constantly binge watching your videos. I think there is so much that the school systems fail to teach us which is how to deal with our emotions, and not feel shame for speaking openly about hurt, fears, etc. I am so grateful for your channel. It is so thorough, informative, reassuring, and the messages are always well executed. I am obsessed!! You have no idea! I spent the last 4 hrs watching because it is all my watch later and my recommended section has.
This is by far, one of the best videos you've make, mainly because not only explains the concept in an easy and understandable manner, you show examples and whatnot, but you also offer solutions or ways to improve the situation, which some videos don't do.
Thanks for this
How do you know your translation is accurate? The partner may actually say what they mean and your own internal censor May warp it to fit your preconceived notions. It seems this video assumes that your translation is accurate and the speaker is obfuscating.
+Steven Calkum
I'm with you on that. I also suffer through the inverse of someone trying to guess my thoughts which becomes her building things in her mind that she then attributes to me. One of which is almost like a line from a sitcom:
Her: Are you angry?
Me: No.
Her: You seem upset.
Me: I'm not. I'm just thinking.
Her: You can tell me what's troubling you.
Me: There's nothing to tell.
Her:Just tell me.
At this point I *am* irritated because she's being a pest. She reads it as confirmation that she *knew* something was wrong.
Steven Calkum Ask questions?
Bruce Dunn She's insecure, and all you can do is try to be consistently yourself. She may begin to trust you in time. Remember, it's not about you, and cut her some slack.
*****
Isn't there supposed to be an L in Alfonso? Did you misspell your name?
School of life deals with general tendencies. The general tendency is that excessive value is given the rational and 'objective' (whatever that means in he realm of love), so in order to be better lovers we need to deal with our emotions better. Of course there are cases in which rationality is needed, but in general emotional intelligence is lacking. Why focus on something there is already (generally) a surplus of?
This is one of your best videos so far. What you say is so true, yet so difficult to do. Also I believe not many people are aware of the importance of interpreting our partner's words, instead of just listening to their surface.
I can understand the sentiment in this video, and there are many instances in my relationship. However, I worry that many might accept unusually higher levels of verbal and emotional abuse, under the guise of misunderstanding and need for acceptance. The balance is between empathy and safety.
Sticky Bear you’re right, don’t get into relationships to fix their traumas.
"Interpret rather than listen." - I think that's brilliant
could you do a video on people who are so afraid of intimacy they can't even get into relationships? even though they really want to?
metacarpitan I want to know why I can't find someone who gets me.
Are you sure it's fear of intimacy? I thought I suffered from that but then I looked up the definitions and symptoms and discovered that I actually have a fear of entrapment, which is almost opposite. Both are apparently treatable though with therapy. All the best!
Sometimes you just end up projecting your own emotions onto another person when you attempt to interpret the hidden meaning behind the surface of their words. This has gotten me into Sooo much trouble. I think a video about how to communicate clearly and concisely would've been more practical. Each example given here was really just a matter that could've been resolved with open and honest communication, rather than a convoluted game of guessing what your partner is thinking..
i agree but most people don't understand emotions & feelings. clear and direct communication doesn't solve that issue, unfortunately. healthy education about emotions & feelings is the first step.
👏👏👏👏👏
Katz Pajamas i think one has to understand their feelings before they can communicate with their partner
I simply love your videos, found you yesterday and wow...
I home educate my daughter and these are now a staple of our learning.
I chose to home educate because you can get academic intelligence at any age, but emotional intelligence is better taught to a child... so she is so emotionally intelligent and this helps her grow more.
Thankyou x
The end of the video gives me "Black Mirror" vibes.
That's what I'm saying!
Jesus this is all so true... It's not just " listening" it's also decoding and interpretation in relationships. This is what makes them so hard! Imagine if we all practiced this instead of running away from our own emotions and assuming so blatantly what's only on the surface of our partner's words, relationships could be so much more.. Nowadays, there are so many distractions ( meaning, THAT DAMN CELL PHONE), I feel somewhat hopeless that everyone is so out of tune with themselves, that it does make it that much harder for their partners to understand them as well... I'm not perfect, but I know my flaws.. I've been on a self discovering journey these past 2 months and have become so mindful of the true meaning behind my emotions, reactions etc, i truly feel free.. I wish everyone dug deep into their subconscious and ego.. It's called mindfulness, and I promise its the gateway to loving yourself, having more compassion to yourself, and this will in turn mirror to those around you.... Love to all...
This channel has tought me great lessons in love and life. I appreciate and honor your effort in creating a better world, where people are more conscious of themselves. I would love to see a video about breakups. Need some insight on how to handle them in the best way. Thanks you.
i know its five years later, but how are you?
In these videos I learn a lot about myself and gain some perspective of those around me.
this made me cry. my four year relationship ended because of an issue similar to the one discussed in the video. heart break is an unfavorable human thing to go through. it hurts a lot.
The videos of this channel are just so amazingly helpful. The very first I have seen is about Franz Kafka,but now this channel is number one.
School of Life...As a cumulative result of watching many of your videos and visiting with a face to face psychologist today, I have realised that my decision to avoid romance altogether as a way of avoiding similar disasters to those of the past has been severe, and may actually limit my potential for growth and happiness. For me, this is big. Thank you for this and other helpful videos.
I don't like the message of this video. You encourage listener to read the mind of the other person... That makes no sense to me. That is a great burden (for listener) that can lead up to much greater confusion, if we are not good at guessing what could possibly be wrong (since it's impossible to read minds and really know).
People should be encouraged to open up to their loved ones, taught how to overcome fear, shame or confusion. Also, people should be encouraged to be patient, kind and caring as a listener, taught how to relieve their loved one from shame or fear, in order to have a mature conversation which can clarify misunderstandings and lead to resolving problems.
I guess it takes awhile for some people to open up.
Encouragement to open to a loved one and overcoming shame and fear can be facilitated by having the ability to emotionally translate what the other person is experiencing so you can respond helpfully. This stance takes what your partner says as either exactly what they meant to communicate or something you have no way of guessing or gleaning insight into. People are generally not good at communicating their feelings/messages very well. And we can learn to glean insight into the troubling feelings of our partner as we develop our emotional translating skills. I think what you mention in your second paragraph would be great to help you cultivate this ability, and that emotional translating can become second nature in certain situations. My ability has improved with time, and it has smoothed out my relationships tremendously to be able to accurately translate/empathize with friends.
Yup. Not all of us have grown up in emotionally supportive environments or even live in one now. It's not impossible to overcome, but it means that it will take longer for us to open up when we do encounter a safe emotional environment.
Patrick Dement, I don't know what in my comment made you think that I already don't have this ability, but ok...
Having the ability is only partially helpful. I translate very well and I am persistent in trying to get the partner to open up, but in the end, it always depends on the partner.
The part of the video I especially didn't like is the one about the device for emotional translation. For me, in the ideal future, we would all graduate from The School of Life (and Love) and be there for our loved ones in times of hardships.
It is not mind reading per se that is being advocated, but an awareness of the importance of traversing the gap or lack between what is said and what is meant. A demand for one thing (do this for me) can often be a demand for something completely different (love me). This is bridged, although never fully, through ongoing conversation and attempts at interpretation. An interpretation should not always aim at complete accuracy, but perhaps be evocative. Taking a teaching approach to the other is to send signals they should repress ideas, topics, actions or emotions you may find hurtful, threatening or distasteful. What if I encourage full honesty, yet find myself appalled at what is desired by the other, but act in a way that is objectively kind, considerate or patient, am I not being dishonest? Further, could this teaching approach promote an unequal power dynamic, perhaps a controlling or repressive one? This video is, I would venture, for participants within relationships, not those outside, an important consideration.
I'm always totally honest & assertive with my partner in my words and facial expressions.
I'm rlly thankful for the variety of bodytypes showed in this channel. really fair illustrations
Or people learn to say what they mean, instead of running around the bush and the partner having to guess the problem. I'm very direct and can't stand people who don't say their true intentions.
Isabelle Layla You hit the spot. LEARN. Most people dont have this skill yet and until they are ready the only thing you can do is trying to understand. But society should definitly emphasize the importence of frankness since the decision between it and politeness is not only based on your own true believe but rather what you suppose people will thibk of you. Social pressure plays a big role in such things...
mon0t0n It's worse when you're married with this kind of person. It's like being married with a shadow, never knowing how they really are and what they really think and feel. Often this person will waste years of your life pretending everything is ok. Then they cheat or leave suddenly, finally admitting they always wanted a way out. Damn cowards, manipulating jerks.
Isabelle Layla I agree with your comment. wasting people's precious time is worse than hurting their feelings for just a few weeks-months
Isabelle Layla but what if you be direct to something important to you and still not get it ?
yosra tag then you negotiate. In a healthy relationship both partners have to be satisfied. Like ok, do this for me and I'll do that for you. To get something you give something. If they refuse all the time to compromise, leave that person. They will make you feel miserable, angry and frustrated.
I understand the guidance here. I don't think it's insisting we mind read or overlook the actual message we've received. I think this reminds us that different people are at different stages of ability, insight, mindfulness, awareness etc in their own communication. And it's always wise to think critically (not to be confused with refraining from compassion and trust) about all information you receive. If you understand that your partner has many mental obstacles, possibly constructed of childhood habits and insecurities, then you know those things may be filters through which their message traverses before reaching you. You couldn't make that assessment about someone you don't know intimately--so it's not utter mind reading. But, let's be sensible: This is an issue in their hands (And if you have similar communication breakdowns, that's your problem to handle). Nobody should be expected to be an interpreter forever, (and there's never going to be a translator better than direct honesty) and if a partner isn't striving to understand themselves, their needs, their desires & expectations in both the relationship, and their own selves, then eventually the surrounding problems will escalate to an unbearable degree, even if you two can go on maintaining civility. Listen to your heart, and then have the courage give it a proper voice that is forthright and genuine. Beware a partner who protects their inability to convey themselves; there is an obstruction in their mind & soul that is winning out over connecting with you. I suggest you don't buy into endless symptomatic treatment of that by trying to guess (no matter how educated) and coax, and confront the literal fact that they're not engaging you. Say you're safe to be someone they can come forward for, and make sure you mean it--that means no taking out your frustrations, however warranted, on them through your own backhanded methods. Represent the communication you want to receive. Then, take care of yourself. The rest is in their hands. If they can't overcome what they need to overcome for the relationship, your guys' timeframe for being ready and able or willing to actively aim to become able to connect may simply not be in sync. That's a tip to let go, to some degree.
the graphic team of this channel is so amazing, it visualize the theme so well
This gets dangerously close to explaining away symptoms of abuse. Abusers do tend to be highly anxious and insecure, with a sense of self that is tenuous at best. De Botton is correct, that attempts to control a partner in the practical sense often come from an inability to self-regulate. But let me make this clear: when a partner is unable to rescue their own selves from that inner chaos, the result can be a toxic environment for us. And if we manage the kind of understanding that de Botton is describing but the change stops there, the relationship continues to damage us. Sometimes the partner can't change and it has nothing to do with how understanding or reassuring we are. It is just that they aren't ready. For one's own safety, it's better to move on, no matter how well we comprehend the state our partner is in, because our remaining may infact reinforce their patterns. Especially if we have been locked in a cycle of enabling that we aren't aware of. There are times when we can accomplish nothing by being more loving. If the situation is dangerous, physically or psychologically, and there is only resistance to change, then it's time to leave.
I always enjoy the school of life videos specially related to relationships because i feel they really relate to me and the type of relationship i have. I also understand how many people may look from a different perspective into pointing out how something can be thought differently or in a bad way entirely. Completely get it. What i do believe it all depends on the type of relationship you have for this to make sense or not. I believe i have had plenty to know there are so many variations of relaitonships with multiple interactions and decodings.
For some reason the type of relationship they describe often in this channel here really makes sense to me. I believe its the type of relationship i looked for for years, where brutal honesty and deep caring at the same time have really dug deep in me. It has never been easy, but at the same time it has never run this deep with anyone and i completely adore it. Its easy to avoid the assholes in life, but its never easy to live in an island where you expect everything to be perfect for you to interact with the one you are interested in.
Love is sloppy, ridiculous and necessary, even at your worst days, when everything has gone to shit and you have been a complete asshole you still need your home to be there, specially if you have ever lived in a place where it never felt like a good home to be around. You need someone who would understand you even at your worst and forgive you when you feel you are completely shamed, and for shame to be there its because you have done something you are ashamed of.
Never in my life had i ever had that relationship where i would ask for forgiveness to something i would just run away from easily. its a confort i would totally recommend to anyone. I understand boundaries its what we have to maintain control in our lives and not get hurt, but the truth is, if you are with a brave person, you can let go of them, mess up and then find confort in not having to have them around anymore, to fool around like kids even rough playing without being afraid it might go too far and if you do get sore be able to stop and cuddle each other. Its a wonderful feeling but you need to push your boundaries, specially if you have trust issues like me.
I think this video is talking about one possible scenario...of course you get to choose what you want to do. Life lesson always leaves the deepest impressions.
Today, in the kindergarten I work, I had a curious experience. To girls where playing each their own game besides each other. Then another child came and joined in one of the girls game. The other girl was dissapointed that the newcomer didn't join her game and got a distinct expression of sadness on her face. The girl, whom the newcomer had joined her game, saw the expression of her friend, expect she didn't saw her expression as dissapointment but as anger. She then became angry at the dissapointed girl in which she in return became angry at her because she misread her feelings. The discussion that followed became meaningless and without end. I had to break up their fight and explain to them that rather than being angry at someone who is upset about you, you should ask: I see you are angry at me, can you please tell me why because I do not understand? Maybe it turns out the other wasn't angry at you, just dissapointed that someone else found the other ones game more fun than hers. In that manner they could all have come up with a game that included everyone.
When I saw this I realized how many adults repeat this ''childish'' fight between each other. I do not think the word childish has any meaning in real life because every thing we adults do is just a continuation of what we did as children. I have never in my life, not a single time, met an adult that wasn't ''childish'' in some way. Childish is just another word for being human. Far too many people have never learned that they should ask another person to explain their feelings, instead of interpreting themselves and immediatly jumping on the defence. This inevitably ends in talking another one down which leads to endless downwards spiral of misery and conflict. Until someone finally is strong enough to take step back and ask the other why he seems so angry at her. So next time, instead of saying: you always get angry at me, or, you always seem so dissapointed of me; rather ask: I see you are angry, can you tell me why you feel that way towards me? Maybe the other one finally get's the opportunity to express why he is frustrated? Maybe he's scared of something, or something at work is bothering him? Never judge a book by its cover.
I needed this video in my life, right now. Thanks School of Life, yet again we cross paths, beneficial to my emotional health
I can't stop being amazed how much great content that is produced by this channel. Top-5 UA-cam channel of all time. So grateful! /Alexander:)
I think the intention is nice, but it's somewhat misdirected. We can't read minds, and referring to it as a translation implies we have an understanding of what someone is saying, and the capacity to somehow infer from that what's unstated. That's a process which is bound to be riddled by errors.
Oh damn this describes in near perfect detail the way in which my marriage dissolved. I could feel her slipping away and tried to increase my control of the relationship, down to the very same demand she be home by 7pm because I had cooked dinner that night. Since then I've learnt and grown a lot, but it's much better to earn these lessons through SoL than the hard way I did it.
Really loved the animation and sound design on this one, especially. Which is to say lots, since I always love the animation and sound design.
best is to "listen" to the actions of a person. the example in the video is exactly my ex-relationship. my girlfriend was getting aggressive and demanding, often telling me "i hate you", while i was always exaggerating her qualities and stuff i like about her. many of these times i physically NEEDED to turn my back at her. also my actions in daily life were plotting an end of relationship, so my words (which surprisingly i still think were true) ment nothing. after a few years since we split, i still think of her in the same ideal terms/words i told her, but it seems that inspite my love for her, i still decided to leave.. so.. actions peak louder than words
Or we could just be honest instead of playing mind games.
zack snack Most likely you don't even know what you yourself feel
Right? But that would be too easy. Some people live for the drama.
Randy that doesnt change the fact that stuff like saying 'nothing is wrong' then getting pissed that people believe you is dumb, and that the fault is really with the speaker and not the person who 'misinterpreted' it.
People aren't honest, not even the ones who say they are. Everyone has vulnerabilities, and thereby has ways to defend those vulnerabilities. There are no people that will just let everything out. We're always hiding stuff.
Exactly, you can't even be completely honest with yourself.
The message in this video is so important. Sadly some people will never get it.
Maybe relationship is not for the emotionally illiterate....
One has to be quit out of controll to become controlling.
Man! So weird how so much of what this channel posts, seem so in line with what what I'm experiencing. *insert Twilight Zone music*. Love it. So useful!
I love this channel. It has allowed me to grwo so much > thank you for all that helped to create this
The insults at 2:05 are all hilarious! Definitely gonna steal those...
This should be taught in schools at an elementary stage. Once again, phenomenal video.
thank you for letting me 'wach' this video
on the other hand, it is also a duty to decode our own feelings and communicate them as well as possible. --> less misunderstanding, less interpretation necessary. it is called direct communication. it helps, a lot. but you have to practise and reflect a lot, too.
Is not about reading minds or accept an alternative to practice honesty. From where I can see, this channel is not about how things should be, but how things actually are, and we can best deal with them.
I've actually found great value in doing the opposite. On a main basis of plain factual information, what I mean is what I say. I also no longer waste time and sanity constantly making assumptions whether other people's statements really imply something else than what they verbalise. Unless they step forward with it, I won't try and talk for them. In my opinion, the latter is the way to wreck yourself, but you do you, Schooloflife.
You're saying, "people." I agree with you pertaining to people in general, but do you act the same way with your loved ones? Wouldn't you say the circumstances are much different with people who expect you to know them intimately?
Jeremiah Holes abuse is abuse. Better to call out the terrible behavior for what it is: a lack of love, respect and empathy. Life is too short, too precious to spend it with an asshole.
Yeah... I'm just going to keep staying single. Life is so much simpler this way.
Agree
But there is also a whole world in which you can live through a different lens, one where people aren't complicated and other's can love you for just you too.
Really lovely illustrations!
man i wish i could work for the school of life.
life sucks.
Nanou. B You're probably not what they're looking for. Others have better, more redeeming qualities.
I went to your website and looked at the job section: I was really
suprised and upset that u r one of those companys who won't pay their
interns... How can this be?????? In your videos u claim for such a
"pro-humanistic" world with non-kapital values. This is really
disappointed !
It is certainly not a type of slavery, but it is wrong nevertheless.
I've felt like laughing and crying in those few minutes...
Just so accurate...
Here is a funny example:
The woman says:
- I am cold.
( Because she wants to be hugged )
And the man says:
- Why don't you go get your jacket?!
Male friends, please don't feel offended! I am sure we women don't get a lot off stuff either:-) That's why this is a very important lesson.
But what got me thinking the most is the " fucking asshole" part. Himmm.....
When your partner shouts at you saying this kind of stuff, to see it as a sign of love and trust is an extremely noble and generous interpretation. So you think he feels you so close that he has no trouble showing his darkest sides to you.
But frankly I have ABSOLUTELY no interest in getting " that close" to anybody. If you have done that sacrifice once and know what a torture it is, than you also have the right to say the following: For this life of mine, that was it. If all this is a sign of love, then I want to be loved less, but treated properly! It is a much better deal. You will have much less bad memories at the end of your life.
This is such a wise and tender lesson with a lot of truth in it. But this translation business has its very , very dark sides too. You are supposed to " assume" a lot of stuff about "the other", based on your kindness and good will. But you'll never be able to know, if what you are assuming is true or not. It is all like gambling. You may lose a lot of time. Time of your life.
As Freud once said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. So it may well be that this guy is shouting and swearing at you, because he simply doesn't care about you. He behaves this way NOT because he trusts you and loves you, but because he thinks you love him so much that you could never leave.
I am afraid it could well be "contempt" rather than trust what makes people behave this way. I mean the way Shakespeare describes it:
"Upon familiarity will grow more contempt".
But as always, thanks so much for this valuable lesson. I will keep everything in mind. The animation was excellent too!
He behaves this way NOT because he trusts you and loves you, but because he thinks you love him so much that you could never leave...... Yes I was thinking the same thing. A narcissist doesn't love themselves, they (can be) deluded into thinking their false self is true and perfect and everyone loves him and could never leave his presence. On the flip side, a narcissist can think they are unlovable and therefore pushes one away because can't maintain false self for too long, it's exhausting. Anyhow, both describe your point.
I have to say, I've thought about it and I disagree strongly with the final message of this video. I think it, in classic School of Life fashion, very succinctly and correctly locates the problem; namely that the basic structure of human desire is often incompatible with decency and that the difficulty of trying to reconcile this incompatibility can contort our methods of expression in counterintuitive ways. It also, and once again with that deliciously plain-spoken, School of Life flair, correctly identifies the need for softness and generosity in our understanding of one another.
But I think it makes a very important mistake when it locates the seat of moral responsibility inside the person who is being aggressed on. Passively or not, it is very important to our personal and spiritual maturity, and therefore also to our love lives, for us to understand the true sources of our own nasty feelings, and to then develop the tools, like acceptance, anger management, or articulation, to reorganize our being into something that is more fundamentally decent. This exercise in doubt and self reflection is the essence of decency, a thesis implicitly accepted by anyone who would endeavor to make a video with the aims of this one.
Lastly it would be wrong not to point out that this practice of disbelieving your lover when they are nasty has the trappings of a victim's mentality. How often have we shaken our heads in defeated sadness when watching a black-eyed spouse say something like "He didn't mean it, he really loves me, he's just under a lot of stress right now." That maybe true but that in no way makes it the aggressed upon party's responsibility to placate the aggressor. Rather the responsibility lies squarely with the aggressor, to understand their self and to control their self. Conversely it is utterly wrong headed to disbelieve expressions of love because the person expressing that love may be experiencing the absence of it. Rather it is expressing love when we don't feel very much like doing so that is the essence of the beauty in long term commitment. If we only make our love visible when we are feeling all rosy and warm we will not turn out to be very helpful or conscientious partners. Wedding vows are all about death, sickness and poverty for exactly this reason. I am a huge fan of School of Life, but I really think they missed the mark on this one. I of course welcome any discussion or disagreement on the topic. Cheers from America fellow thinkers. Sorry about Trump.
this was so uplifting. Sometimes their mean reaction is a plee for help....
This is one of the most important videos on all of the internet.
I genuinely NEED this
Extra caution is required when the relationship is in the Negative Sentiment Override phase. Preconceived notions and assumptions about the other person's feelings can actually run contrary to what they actually mean, making misunderstandings that much worse. "That's the opposite of what I said; aren't you listening to me?"
I can see abusive people using certain points made in this video as an excuse for their bs.
This and other videos you all have posted have convinced me that a lasting relationship is impossible.
Holy cow, this is some deep shit that I needed to hear... I now realize what my ex meant when she said I wasn't there for her emotionally
Emotional=The Expression or reaction to feelings.
Feelings being abstract by past and present.
Uniquely in the eye of the beholder.
Omg...these are so helpful. Thank you, hope you keep up the great work you do.
the art is so cool in this one.
the best for comunicating is to be honest and sincere, and to say the things clearly. Its very tiring trying to guess and decode the hidden messages, if you have a good relationship with your partner I believe she or he can tell you what happens.
This kind of behaviour (saying the opposite of what you want) is known as double bind and is one of the main causes of all the couple issues, and of some mental disorders like schizophrenia.
Great video. It would be much appreciated if you could make a video about ways to love one's self.
Hi The School of Life, could you do a video on the idea of the 'tortured artist'?
The School of Life Yes please!
The need to be heard but nobody wants to listen... Would be great to hear your take on this subject.
what would this be?
I think it would be about how an artist lays bear thier thoughts and feelings, asking for the world to understand and listen..... To hopefully love... But hearing nothing. Having to understand that something so dear to you can mean nothing to others.... That is torture.
Don't quote me on this but I'm pretty sure the whole idea of the "tortured artist" originated from Beethoven and stuck around ever since.
The animation in this video is quite good!
Yes, even though to all of us it seems like the simple logical solution is to just be open and honest and say what you want to say at all times, as this video explained this is simply not how human nature works. We've all been there and done that at some point in time (even if convince ourselves that we haven't). We are not machines, we experience feelings and emotions and those affect greatly what we say and how we behave towards others in our lives. It is no excuse, by all means, but for the person on the other side it's not asking too much to try to put effort in understanding either.
I learn so much more important practical stuff from these videos than from my homework! (which helps explain why I keep procrastinating on ti). I should watch School of Life's video on procrastination next :)
Excellent lesson here💖
Painful to watch, I just lost my 6 year relationship and have only now realize all the things I misunderstood about myself and her. At the very minimum I am learning about myself, my mistakes, my own kind of insanity, insecurities, fears. . . It has truly been eye opening to the extent that the person I thought I was is quite different in reality. It's been hard to accept without heavy self-criticism. I never thought self-compassion was so hard to practice and internalize. Break ups are in a way a blessing in disguise, at least in the respect that it takes you through self-discovery and understanding.
I hope they take me at face value. Because I try to be direct as much as possible so there won't be any confusion.
this is so familiar to me, as I study gestalt psychology, which I absolutely recommend to everyone (there´s no need to have previous psychological knowledge)
The emotional translation is not only for couples, it should apply in all your loved ones, like, let's say your mother, mine is always screaming at me for thing i dont have the fault, because she has problems and sees no one else to blame, indeed, everyone always blames me for whatever goes wrong: my brother, my dad, yeah, pretty tough
-cries-
I love your videos. Thank you for putting everything I feel into words.
Hasn't anyone else noticed how British this particular piece is? I don't believe this advice is universal. Delicate emotional decoding and face saving shouldn't be so necessary. If your relationship can't stand the weight of open, clear communication then maybe it's not worth it or even viable. Politeness and diplomacy have their place, but those qualities are not the mark of a truly intimate relationship. It takes courage to be forthright, to have real conversations, but it's certainly worth it for the health of your relationship.
I love your videos, I am attempting to do something similar and You are a inspiration for me! I hope my work can get this popular one day.
Did anyone else feel like it became almost too fantastically intellectual as to make it seem some sort of satirical thing, or basically like so ridiculous and complex that it felt like some sort of dream or nightmare description of reality, but with an essence of truth?
Nice, I will start talking in a confusing way then... And, I will enter in panic mode if I am not reasured every 2~3 days
great animation! bravo!
That's really nice, but I sense that perhaps I have some kind of autism. I'm not good about emotions and I feel uncomfortable with people expressing them. I like to rely on straight forward words than ambiguous contexts that a lot of time I get wrong.
I know that my wish won't fulfill, but at the same time, I can't be someone else. Truly, I feel kind lost.
Eduardo Felipe I'm the same way, just say how you feel.
If you're open enough for some self-reflection, I would recommend you to read Jonice Webb's Running on Empty, and see if it describes you
Eduardo Felipe I thought that and it tore me up until I truly opened up to myself
What does it mean to open up?
chan hin won Thanks, I will.
You know, I did appreciate this video, but the ending is extremely disconcerting once we get to 5:35
Why does the ideal future entail a technology that externalizes the work put into understanding and ultimately connecting with each other, that it is a "legitimate part of the effort of love"? I'm really not sure if this was entailed as a lightly nuance frivolous joke, or if this was meant in earnest-- either way, it isn't funny. When you're a channel/organization that supports inner growth, it runs counter, and it is confusing, and ultimately belittling of the human condition, to normalize technology as the means for all this internal understanding necessary as meaningful, loving, intelligent human beings.
It seems even the school of life fetishizes technology as the solution to complexities, rather than accept that the difficulties of life are a given, and are what makes life truly meaningful (see an alternative to happiness: eudaemonia). Whether joke or not, you cannot reduce down animal being and the human condition in this way, for life is emergent and it is transcendent.
artandmuse you are brilliant! Very well said and easy to understand. Your words are very powerful.
"get out of my house, I don't know you"
Decoding time I see
Love these videos!
I do this too often, I do it so much that I forget to listen to what they are actually saying
You had me at "boundless fury".
this video came to me at the perfect time
Super interesting, I feel I do this a lot, try to see the deeper meaning. But I think I can often perceive things wrongly, when you worry about your partner you assume things are wrong even if they say things are okay
I think they just want you to set the table and do some chores...I don't think there's a deeper meaning than that.
I say what I mean. If I don't ask for what I want that's on me. I hate it when people make assumptions about what I'm saying. Better to ask questions. Be curious. Learn to communicate that way until understanding is gained. No two people use language the same way so communication is best anyway.
I love this channel and narrator's voice. Please keep doing these. I think a feminine voice(like the one in your on feeling melancholy video) would be more suited to some of the topics you guys post videos on.
good video.. excellent info.. I may use this info for an idea I have for a screen play
your animation style is quite interesting but great vid :D
I like most of your videos, but I can't say I'm a fan of this one. Healthy communication includes continuing to listen until the other person is sure you understand them correctly. Not assuming you know what they meant.