Loneliness and Our Craving for Community
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- Опубліковано 3 бер 2020
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“We are, a lot of us, a great deal sadder, more anxious, more incomplete and more restless than we really need to be because of something very large that is missing from our lives. What’s worse, we don’t even know what this thing is and how much we crave it, because we don’t have the right concepts, experience or encouragement to help us locate it. What we long for and are slowly dying without is: community.
They tell us that we are suffering for all sorts of reasons: because we’re afraid of intimacy or are low on serotonin, are beset by anxiety or trauma or are chronically dysfunctional around attachment or trust…”
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Nice ad for your community
The School of Life once you learn you’re judged no matter what and if you especially have friends who have underachieved who will hate your guts come the age of 30 and many times before then, learning to go at life alone saves you so many hassles and mental anguish. Only stick with those who seek to inspire and talk about ideas, not people or sports or other typical negativity
@@SFbayArea94121 sounds like the voice of experience , but also a wonderful life lesson , onwards and upwards 👍
Ruth Laffit
no those ants freak me out
I really do enjoy being all by myself especially considering that I'm an introvert. But when I meet a group of people who share same interests and dreams, I can't help feeling like I want to cry because in that moment I'm with them, I realize how much I've been longing for relationships like this. Having a great community incredibly makes your soul fulfilled.
yes
It makes you a better more helpful person IE not an introvert. Im not blaming, its average now, but its not normal or healthy to duck people and pass it off as a positive inherent character trait. How many 4 year old have you seen behave in introverted ways? Its a learned survival technique to varying degrees.
Irene Lee I still cry randomly because of what I’ve missed without being in that group
Yeah. It feels like something you didn't know you wanted.
@@MrLoobu MrLoobu MrLoobu Actually that is inherent because I was still introverted when I was 2. Being an introvert is not a consequence after some traumatic mental breakdown. It's not like a habit you develop. Not everyone enjoys every social interaction all the time. Not everyone spends same amount of energy when socializing. You should know that it IS a natural character trait you're born with.
“Our ancestors were unfortunate in a thousand ways. But they may have well had something that we are unknowingly dying for - their own tribe.”
Yup
this line got me, i love this line so so much, SOL sometimes drops pretty cool lines that somewhere deep in my heart would stay forever
What our ancestors had was they kept their ability to immediately remove a bad leader. Today community has grown so big that there are literally hundreds of layers of bureaucratic red tape, permits, impact studies and palms to grease that it is almost impossible to do so.
@@wren_.Why longhouses? Interesting thought, but I’m just curious as to why you would want that, specifically. Seems to me that there would be very little (if any) moments of complete privacy in a longhouse...
@@jarjthejargj6099 i literally have no idea
"Solitude is dangerous. It’s very addictive. It becomes a habit after you realise how peaceful and calm it is. It’s like you don’t want to deal with people anymore because they drain your energy.”
- Jim Carrey
@@anubratasaha4367 Humans are social animals.
Thanks for sharing this.
so true once you live alone for a couple of years and realize how good it feels you can never come back .
Incredibly true.
Because introversion is, of course, a plague. Sure.
I completely agree. Connections and communities are becoming scarcer and scarcer in the 21st century.
Jh5578 Divide and conquer the herd.
In the US and many countries in the western world this is a problem, but go to certain countries in South America or Asia and you’ll find plenty of areas that flourish because of strong family units and community. I’m all for individualism, but at the same time there has to be a healthy balance between solitude and communal connection.
Jinsi K Did I say the problem was exclusive to ALL of the West? Did I say ALL of Asia or ALL of South America are perfect utopias? Where in my comment did I generalize? Maybe read my comment again before chiming in with an essay of nonsense and passing judgement when you don’t even know who I am. No, I said keyword: CERTAIN countries and cultures in those regions have a strong sense of community.
I’m Colombian American, I’m dating a Bolivian, a majority of my friends are Salvadorian, Vietnamese, and Thai. All of our countries have issues, and yes there are unhappy people no matter where you go, but we all come from cultures that embrace the concepts of large family units and community. I speak from experience from both myself and the people I grew up with. How the fuck am I being racist? I don’t even think you know what that word even means.
It’s true that many parts of the US lack a sense of community, especially in the more urban, middle class areas where rates of depression and suicide are higher, this applies just as much to certain areas in Asia and South America as well, no doubt... But, I was just making a point about how we can learn from other cultures and their ways of life, especially from those that aren’t attributed to the hustle and bustle of modern life. You bring up places like Tokyo, but then you ignore the fact that a lot of those social issues have little to no real effect on places like Okinawa which thrive off tight knit communities. If being more interested in and complimenting other cultures and their ways of life is somehow “racist and nationalistic” then I must be in the KKK.
PS: You are the very reason why people are divided and isolated. Where the internet should be a tool to bring us together to discuss ideas, you’re one of the people who use it to be condescending to others. You choose to be vile and angry over a comment you obviously misinterpreted, making generalizations about who I am as a person, instead of just trying to understand where I’m coming from. Hope you take a chill pill and have a good rest of your day/night.
No, they aren't. In fact, there are so many connections and communities it's hard to find where you want to be. The sad fact is that because there are so many, you can't find the one that suits you.
Ari Jappendi I know, read my previous comment. TL;DR version; I never said all of Asia is perfect. I agree, Westernization plays a huge factor into it.
People think if they're not acknowledged, they don't exist
That kinda hit me hard...geez
It's really sad.. it gets me thinking about the meaning of life, what makes each of us special etc. sometimes.. it's a great way to become depressed
This reminds me of a quote from joker
Its kind of true actually, for the rest of the world we dont exist.
That's true
I'm very introverted. At times, i thought having my own tribe isn't really necessary. But that's not true. And I've only had this epiphany pretty recently. No matter how introverted you claim to be, at the end of the day.. we all long to be part of a community. We all want to feel some sense of belonging.
its normal, no man is an island. I have an uncle who stays on his own and it is not a good place to be. he doesnt bath or make any effort to better himself. Very sad
what about the monks? It certainly is possible to thrive.
Same here. I just don't know what to do or how to even get friends. Those 'friends' or whoever who I socialize with, annoy me easily... This one guy knows he is teasing me, but I don't think it's funny and just get annoyed and then I am less likely to start the conversation again. It's just such a hassle and often feels like a waste of time unless I am having really fun, which I haven't in quite some time... Maybe It'll get better when I get a job(uni atm) and don't have to be pressured by that... Time outside of work can be free time, not 'study as much as your lazy ass is able to'...
TricksnTraps
Seems sad to you but maybe he is happy as he is?
Siwi Dhawadi, MD to be
We all speak for ourselves. Nothing wrong with that though.
I was told about 35 years ago. Talk to as many strangers as you can, it's good for your mental health. I haven't been bashed or robbed yet.
You must not look like someone people would like to take advantage of
I think it is good to have casual conversations with strangers. but you have to be protective when you meet a stranger.
Wewereneveryoung
Looks like Rambo?
I will be your first online basher lol. Jk
I'll try
Almost one month ago I was in a mental hospital. I noticed quickly how much better I felt despite not taking medication for the first few days. It was exactly because of what this video said. We were a group of people living together, gathering for breakfast, lunch and dinner, participating together in different activities and in the evening all gathering in the main hall. Some would play board games, others would listen to music and a few would communicate with one another. Even though we all were there not for fun I quickly forgot that I had any issues at all. I felt at ease being in a group that sticks together. I was happy and fullfilled being a part of this group. Unfortunately, after 10 days our clinic was closed due to Corona and we all have to wait a few months now so we can go back. This experience taught me that being part of a group makes you feel complete and happy. Seeing this video
made me believe this even more. I seriously ask myself how something like this can be turned into real life. Many of us would happily refuse to be rich or successful in order to have the privilege of being part of a group or "tribe".
Amen
You have to do what you love then collaborate on that basis and respect yourself enough to not take disrespect from others
I have never felt as much belonging and ease as I did during my multiple inpatient stays at a psych hospital. So much so that I felt that everyone should have that experience - to be in a community of people who don’t judge you harshly, who are willing to support you and who understands you enough to not expect an explanation or for you to put on an ‘appropriate’ mask.
We need to build long houses like the Iroquois nation did
"When the snows fall and the white winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives"
Right 👌
Lovely quote
Yes, this is it!
Yeah, but it's not only about survival for the lone wolf
Great show, great quote
I feel alive when I’m in a classroom with a good teacher and other students who share the joy of learning. I miss that.
Me too. It feels so good to know that someone feels the same way too 🥲
I spent several months in a residential rehab a couple years ago, and perfectly fit the description of your hypothetical commune. I was the happiest I could ever remember being, and the atmosphere and social dynamics were amazing. Using drugs or drinking was the furthest thing from my mind. A few months after I left, and I was back living alone in an apartment in an impersonal city where nobody knows or cares about each other, I fell back into depression, and had a few times where I started using again, and almost destroyed my life again because of it. I noticed the same thing happened to essentially everyone else I knew from there shortly after they left.
reminds me of shawsank movie
I can totally relate to this, I felt so connected in rehab. Thankfully Ive managed to stay clean for 2 years but it is a lot lonelier in the real world!
This video also made me look back to a few times in life I've found myself in something resembling the hypothetical commune, and remembering how good that felt. Mine were things like more self-help retreats, but perhaps even things like being in the army, with a 'band of brothers' or being in prison might also inadvertently create the kind of community we are all pre-disposed to need. It would explain why lots of ex-army struggle so badly to adjust to civvy life, or why so many people repeatedly go back to prison.
@@Corgi_fax wowwww...what a response/reply! You have quit a skillset, in the way you articulated the words of a heart, intertwined with a pety egoic mind!
@@blackribbon4576 I thought the same thing! Total Shawshank moment!
I'm old enough to remember growing up in a community.
My friends were all on the same dirt road I lived on.
My grandparents were next door.
And the family farm was just a bike ride away.
It's all gone now, the old folks have died.
The farm was divided up by the other side of the family.
People moved away to find work.
Social media is better at dividing people than bringing them together.
@@sophia_tamar I'm sad to, I went home last year for a visit. Only a few of my family are left there and the place has changed so much, and not for the better, that it left me empty. I live on the other side of the country now and am busy being a grandmother to a new generation. All my grandchildern are always happy to come to my place and play around the old tractor and go to the beach. I'm trying hard to make new memories for the next generation.
Nostalgia gets us every time 🥺
Very sad. Is like I see that seen you are telling. 😓
people are mostly self centre and cannot care for others. people don't call each other anymore even it is free nowadays.
I feel this way too. Even though I have friends it seems impossible to initiate a sense of community because they are always busy tending to the needs of society. City life is structured in a way that you are expected to give more of yourself to economic/career success instead of to the people in your life, or even other humans in general. We walk from place to place to get things done and treat everyone as either non-existent or an obstacle to overcome. Most physical spaces and places are made on the basis of economic development or task completion and never for the purpose of human connection or communal conversation. Because this is usually unavailable, (and if it is it almost always costs money which not everyone has) we turn to social media to look for it, which can be unhealthy and addictive. We need more spaces made simply for the sake of community.
hello from Germany
Well this a hundred times.
@@johnwalters5410 What do you mean?
Zetta Anderson It means I highly agree.
@Marianne I am like this. People like me are extremely friendly (to some people needy) because we crave community a lot. I have come to realize that success and fame doesnt really matter. What you bought come and go, the satisfaction of success is temporary but satisfaction from a sense of community is permanent.
Real talk: whenever I go through a phase or anxiety irl, every new video TSOL uploaded, including this one coincidentally relates to what my situation is atm. Thanks for giving us advice though 😊
Same lol
Same, it's eerie but great
Lol them algorithms can read minds now
Exactly!!
some zeitgeist shenanigans at fucking work.
My mom lived her childhood in a small farm community. And she always complained about how she was forced to behave in certain way and how everyone would know the intimate life of everyone else. Not everything in those communities is happiness
Very true
Nothing is happiness all the time :)
Fax
Of course, there's good and bad with virtually everything.
Our world is much more connected now, we could have the small little pockets while also having freedom to move around between them.
I'm 31 and I too spend most of my time alone. I had a job for a good 12 years, but quit due to rising anxiety from getting to know too many people and feeling compelled to interact with them on a daily basis. I'm not working at the moment bc being alone with little to no responsibility is safe and relieving, but far from peaceful. I've actually never felt more alone than when I was working and being around the wrong crowd than just sitting here typing this with no one around. It takes skill to enjoy solitude bc the mind will place judgment on you for not being 'normal'. It is a time where introspection, self doubt, and self discovery will be at its strongest impact. I've been a hermit for about a year and a half and I realize: being alone is essential, but not the answer. I read in a fortune cookie once that said: expand your social circle and you expand your mind set. When you're alone, you have no one to contest your potentially unhealthy ways, no one to be there for you emotionally, sexually, mentally, spiritually. It can feel great not having to be around people, learning and discovering more of yourself in quiet peace for sure, but you can't truly grow unless you share yourself with others. All it takes is just one or two people. There are no prerequisites in life though. You can do whatever you want. Don't feel pressured to be like the next person. But listen to that little inner voice that wants to meet someone and don't suppress it bc you desire feeling safe all the time. Taking risks is greater than just being comfortable.
Well said.
Beautifully written. I finally live in a unit on my own and it is my safe haven. But I wish I had a lovely group of people I could also feel safe with.
Different situations apply as one grows older in the journey of life.
Are you me? I feel like I would write the exact same thing if I had the will or energy..
you sound like my kind of people
The timing with this channel's videos is scary sometimes.
Hmhm lol
Alain de botton is the second coming of Jesus
I’ve felt lonely my whole entire life, I know that this is extremely selfish but at times I’ve wished I would be hurt or have a near-death experience so that people would care about me. I’ve never felt loved/cared for. :(
You must love and care for yourself first . That is the hardest task... for some of us. If we don't love and care about ourselves we can't expect others to. I cared enough about you to respond. Cheers from Australia.
You’ve got to love yourself so that other people will love you
Love people will show or give you is temporary......the love you will give yourself is permanent.....your comment really broke my heart...I hope you feel better Viktor..... always remember we all are lonely together in this world
❤ the universe loves you
How old are you know? And do you think there is any hope for you?
Good thing we have each other in this School of Life community :)
Not really though, all it does is make us wallow in our misery and be even more lonely. Lots of anonymous users without any smiling faces.
No
@@sebastianelytron8450 like facebook with strangers
It's fun but might become an addiction
Hello dropping in with some 🌯☕🥐
its just a waste of time
As a sociologist i can relate this : NOTHING IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN NETWORK (including professional or close-people) to face life !
Are there any doctorial theses on the social demigod (I know there isn't really a god there.); its ability to influence behavior, and spread fears and prejudice. I can see it because I have had a lot of anthropology, but I rarely find people that can wrap their brains around it. The social demigod also teaches denial. (to protect itself) One example is the myth that prejudice is caused by individual fears. No that is the blank slate, not the cause.
Take it easy. There are more important things. No community is better than a sick community. Just ask Jonestown.
i love being alone, i feel like I've been so used to it. but being alone and being lonely are not the same. sometimes in the presence of my friends or at work when surrounded by colleagues i feel lonely. it's a vicious cycle.
Same I am stuck in it but then the place I live sucks and is very boring.
Everything is about balance 🙏🏻
Same here, infact since i started this new job (been there for over a year now) its only made me feel more lonely.
The closet I came to this was my time traveling and staying in hostels. Some of the best times of my life.
guess u meant closest ..;))
Aaron Davison Same here!! I lived in a sort of community for 2 weeks or so, it was beyond awesome
it makes it easier when you dont have to deal with the same bunch of people for more than couple of weeks,, you only see their nicer sides and having fun together since everyone is on the road.
@@norbertmezei haha i did indeed!
I need to travel to more
Just realised I've been "self isolating" for three years, following a breakup and divorce..
At least I'm prepared for Covid-19 lmao.
That can always change if u want. If u are happy then keep doing u. But that's the good thi g about life is that u can make baby steps to anything
@Ari Jappendi you sound angry. Hurt lies beneath anger. I hope you find resolution someday soon.
@Ari Jappendi Thanks for such a comprehensive reply. If this is your journey I wish you well. Despite much early trauma in my life, I have been happily married for 31 years. So I believe it is possible and achievable. Blessings to you.
There is no pain greater than being cut out of a community for being yourself.
Community is not about being yourself. It's about pretending the act you're putting on is the real you.
I fully agree with the premise of this video. Feeling deprived of community and warmth leads us to many types of madness, from seeking affection in the wrong partners, to pursuing fame and power just to get some affection. I felt that too and I agree it's crucial problem of the modern life that doesn't get enough attention.
The solution in the video sounds pristine but it's incompatible with the modern life in a big city, which is where people most lack this sense of community.
How about we come up with a set of principles/guidelines, which would help people form communities directly in the city they live in. Maybe they would meet every week at each of their houses by rotation, talk about their greatest concern of the week, personal issues, celebrate important events in their lives, talk about the broader world, politics, etc.
They would still lead their lives in the city but they would feel like they have their own tribe within the city that they can count on and feel attached to. In this group they wouldn't have to be anything but themselves, since the only purpose of the group would be companionship. It doesn't have to produce anything. That would already be a huge relief.
I've been lucky to have a group of close friends that resembles the concept but the problem is that we started as a civic engagement group which means we have to produce things which means we have to work together which changes how we relate to each-other and how close we can become since working requires a certain level of distance. I wonder what would happen in a group where the only target would be reaching new levels of warmth and understanding.
I think the main barrier for simply setting up groups like that is that most people take work and effort to get to know. In a tribe of 50 people in the jungle, there's no choice - you have to work together to survive. Some of the other people you don't like very much in the beginning, but after being forced to work with them for some time, you might start to realise their good sides. In a modern city, there's always the option of just disappearing back into anonymity. And that's always easier than putting in the effort to know people.
Feelings of loneliness in a community , somehow being at the centre and yet alone, desperately wishing to talk and connect with others but being frozen with mouth shut,
Just another day.
Ah, me in a discord server that I've been in for like a couple of years
Yes, if one is going to be isolated, best to make it solitude rather than divergence within a group that is otherwise cohesive. Nothing worse than being the outlier when everyone else is clearly feeling togetherness. But sometimes we really must leave a group we're a part of to find one where we fit. The pain is hopefully enough motivation to do the frightening, challenging work of doing so.
I don't even think this channel knows how large of a positive impact their content is leaving.
I was about to comment how this channel seemed to know what im currently going thru
but then again ive been feeling lonely for some years now, so...
The causation and correlation here is uncanny. I've suffered from this very thing, as a progressive dis-ease, my entire life and imagine that the solution(s) suggested are more than viable. We can envision these kinds of communities just by releasing our inhibitions around them and collectively considering how to be inclusive where we are, right now Thank you for the wonderful content. It's beyond inspiring!
I feel that this is even more true for people who don’t have a healthy and close healthy attachment to our parents and families… it can feel awfully lonely out here.
It’s so funny how people claim that “they don’t need anyone” “ they are better off by themselves” yet, they’re here trying to validate their point and fighting others on social media. Honey, if you were truly okay on your own, you wouldn’t be here, you would be in a cave without your cellphone, You’re mostly in denial, craving for a meaningful relationship, for a place of belonging, that’s what makes you human and there’s nothing wrong with that! Tell yourself whatever you want, deep down you know the truth. Sending everyone a hug, even those who “don’t want it” ❤️
Oftentimes, people who say this are fundamentally different from those around them. Being around such people gives one a feeling of being alien or flawed. When they say that they are better off alone, they mean that their physical solitude is less painful than there social loneliness.
Mariana Good point!
Beautifully said! I'll take that hug! 💗
@@divinetrouble66 So true. Perhaps our non-social, separated world is also set up so that people can fall out and be assholes to each other with little consequence, which in turn drives a lot of people to (understandably) push others away. I saw a programme recently where a British family went to live with an African tribe, and they noticed that being selfish or not contributing was simply not an option there. To survive in a tribal group, you HAVE to get on socially and be a decent human being. That seems another thing we've lost in modern life... you can be as much of a dick as you want and there's no one to answer to. You can survive, often you can even thrive... hell, you can even become the president of a country!
@@charitygoldart It doesn't even have to be that people are rude. I find that no one is interested in the same topics as me. People will quickly change the topic. it's not that they are trying to be rude or mean, it's just that they want the topic to reflect their interests. This makes me feel very lonely as I am not able to discuss my ideas with other people. In turn, it causes me to shut down and prefer to be on my own because I just don't relate to others. I know many kind, generous people who inadvertently leave me feeling isolated and flawed.
It's crazy how nearly every mental problem you discuss is a consequence of industrialized capitalist society.
Z L A G S T R A very true, i feel the same but i think is to the fact of the failure of the tradicional family structure dont you think?
Joseph Stiglitz Well, this is one of the consequences of industrialized capitalist society. 🙃
Joseph Stiglitz The family goes to the second plan, when it should be in the first.
Matheus Rodrigues maybe
The industrial revolution and its consequences have been a disaster for the human race
When I was with my collegues after work, there was this collegue were I sat besides to. We talked about so much stuff. When I left I was filled with energy, finally someone were I can talk to about anything which doesn't matter how weird it is. This was the moment were I realised how important it is to have people around you with same interests and/ or same ideas. Thank you for this video to make it all complete
I agree im a big sci fi fan it is important to be able to express yourself honestly and connect with people who share the same interests as yourself.
Interestingly, my 84-year-old father just moved into assisted living. Two months into it, it would appear that this is exactly the sort of community he needed in his life.
That is so interesting you say that. I am a CNA at an assisted living home and this whole video I thought about how they are their own community. They do crafts and games together, watch movies and documentaries together, eat together. They have formed their own relationships with the other residents, it’s really beautiful to be apart of.
@@angelenergia2163 Worked for my father and mother as well. When my father died, they had been there for long enough that everybody knew them and commiserated with my mother. And my mother already had a network of people that cared about her.
I've wanted to live in a kind of commune since middle school.
I've liked the thought of them for a long time too. I'm really hoping that in time they become much more common & less stigmatised. Perhaps eventually they will be more how all of us live?
Let’s create one! :)
Cool
Oh my God this is exactly what I needed to hear. In the last months I felt so lonely and I subconsciously tried to fill up the void by living kind of an alternate life on the Internet...now I'm left with nothing but an incredibly consuming addiction, and the fact that all of the public places are closen in our area because of the Covid-19 emergency isn't helping either; some people don't realise that even talking to a random stranger in the bus can brighten up your day. I know it because it happened to me once. I can't wait for everything to return normal, I just miss public life.
Sadly society has accepted that staring at your phone is something quite normal, especially when you commute.. People should come up with different ideas to bring up people together..
😥
Just remember that you will die anyway and that there are countless ways for you to die, even without that virus.
You might simply not even wake up the next day for example.
This is also something what I struggle with at times (Going out despite all the risks nowadays, especially when you are unused to do new things just by yourself) but life is only going to get worse anyway.
So... we all should make the best out of it while we still can, don't you think so?
I wish you all the best. Be careful and mindful of the dangers of life yes, but don't forget to live your life while you still can.
@@Corgi_fax I actually wouldn't mind going out but it doesn't depend on me, there are government restrictions here, schools activities and cultural places are all closen and they're suggesting us avoiding public contacts as much as we can in order to contain the infections. I still have to do two exams but they delayed everything to uncertain dates
@@lazalantin5305 Of course, I think the same...this emergency shouldn't stop us from doing what we like and this state of psychosis isn't really healthy if we want to overcome the situation. But sadly it's also a matter of public safety, so there's not much we can do about it...if we want this crisis to have less impact on our economy and public services, which were already at stake (I live in Italy and really, we're facing many problems on that matter), we have to follow some strict instructions that are obviously going to interfere with our personal lives...it's a moral responsibility we have to take into consideration, otherwise things will only get worse. That being said, I went to the park yesterday and there were a lot of people passing time there, it was a lovely thing to see. Yeah, I can't stay home for too long! Thank you for your concern by the way, it will get better, eventually...
YES why isn't communial living more of a thing? I'm so glad to see this problem recognized outside of my own mind. I hate that standard modern friendships are so disconnected. Bars have a good idea, they are places where people expect to meet others. Maybe we could make community recreation centers more trendy. They should be as regular as libraries. I would love to visit a community recreation center like this, and start a game of table tennis or darts with a friendly stranger.
Alexandra Winner try Cohousing. It works
Too many religious beliefs, sexual identities, racial diversity and the need to be special and unique has divided the people of the world especially in the US.
capitalism :)
capitalism :)
@@loope9421I think people in diverse settings less willing/more reluctant to make an effort to understand different cultures, races, classes, genders, languages and educate themselves is an issue (not diversity itself of course). More recently, I often noticed when there's conflict its usually involving individuals who are from different races and backgrounds to one another. I'd like to think its communication breakdown and misunderstand of one another. I could be wrong but its something interesting seeing and something worth noting and it raises questions around the impact diversity has on a part of the world
For me, even though i'm a loner, i talk to many strangers as i can to exercise abundance with potential like minded individuals whom we share the same beliefs/persona in my life.
It is nice talking with strangers. Sometimes it is easier to open up to a stranger than it is to open up to someone who think that they know you and has expectations based on that previous knowledge.
Some of the nicest conversations I have had was on a two hour flight. The idea that you probably will never see that person again makes it easy to speak from your heart.
Good thing I live in India. We've got community over here, I say we have a bit too much community here.
Sometimes our community can get a bit annoying & frustrating, especially when they start interfering in your day to day life... 😬
yea, I understand.I have the same problem. fuck em, fuck society fuck humans.
@@Lemoncake7027 We never had it, its all an illusion and a false sense of being good, why do you think people have kids ? because they want someone to take care of them when they are old , which in itself is an extremely selfish act.
But that’s because of culture when they interfering lol They don’t know better.
And then, there are the rest of us who even lack parents, have friends who don't care, no brothers/sisters/ no relatives, asking for a community would be an impossible dream. Haha..
Although the values developed in India are supposed to be community centered, not everyone has them. Some have no one but themselves.
@@chandrarama1970 Wow , You do need Help !🤔
I don't know... It feels as if I'm lowering myself by socially interacting just for the sake of socially interacting. If I hire a painter or a plumber to do something for me it doesn't seem weird because it's transactional. If i try to be outgoing because of the loneliness festering in my heart it feels so awkward.
if you see the irony there, and learn to love the irony, socializing becomes fun just because its absurd, so long as you can let go of the need for results and let loneliness produce the releace of your raw energy. the irony breads creativity, which can be funnelled into socializing. you need a push from your dark side and the dark humor all around. embrance the awk
@@jacob_massengale it just so happens that some ppl can quickly dismiss someone and the challenge is to not end up in silence
This is exactly how I feel lol. Like if a friendship or relationship evolves or progresses naturally, hey, who wouldn't be for that. But interacting with people for the sole purpose of interacting with them, not even coming about it naturally, isn't even worth it imo.
A community was necessary for our survival -- not anymore
A person can take care of him/herself without any particular help.
Technology is meant to make life easier but for many, it's a source of isolation.
Technology can provide for all of our basic needs except a community
I agree but at certain degree of self reliance, you will eventually need a community, unless you're already suicidal.
Pinoy keyboard warrior Why do you eventually need a community, I mean that sounds nice and all but is that is some rule book or somethin 😂
Pinoy keyboard warrior I should just kill myself if I don’t find a community🤣
@@xCraftabIe
What i mean is, it is fundamentally impossible for human being not to need a community at some point.
I remember as a child I was always interested in making friends and being with them but now as an adult most times I have very little to no interest in building relationships with others and it's really sad. I need help because I want to be interested in lives of others cause people are interesting and I need them.
I think as a child you are exposed to far more circumstances where you can make friends. Through school, leisure activities, in the neighborhood on the street, kids that are relatives in the family and so on. As an adult suddenly yiy have studies or work. Yes, you can meet friends in these places, but the older you get people are busier with their lives, partners, families, live further away etc. It takes more effort to meet people and make new friends while retaining the old friendships. What I've learned is to find out which people in your life are important to you. Doesn't mean everyone is the same, friends can fill out individual needs. Some you see once a year and others once a month. Then make time and effort to see them. Also evaluate which kind of people you want to surround yourself with and those you don't. As an adult and we get to know ourselves better this becomes way easier. In search of new friends I find going to events, meeting people with similar interests and go for coffee or invite them over for dinner. It could be people we already see regularly, like the hair dresser, neighbor, the person you always talk to at the café/library/gym/ walking the dog or again a work buddy. This means coming out of our shell, comfort zone, and seeing that people are indeed like yourself. Want to be seen, heard and loved.
Im black mixed race guy, im quite shut off, i dot mix with others much. I have bipolar so im often up and down. I work in a warehouse with small workforce about 20 of us. I have work colleagues who i do get on with a few of them i occasionally drink with, but im actually struggling with a binge drink problem which i havnt told them about.
Im really trying to change and i want to meet someone and be in a relationship again. Im a nerd deep down and big sci fi fan, this i havnt told my work colleagues. Im not really close to me family much either, its my niece's birthday next saturday and tbh im not looking forward to it cause everyone's gonna be there i just feel like i dont want to face it.
I am lonliest I have ever been and school of life drops this video. I clicked it as soon as I read the title
Oh dear my day was about this subject, i thought to myself; should I rely on others ?...all these days i thought people cared about me but at the end of the day I was always alone,even related ones were away from me.
I always had this theory that the reason we were always happy, less anxious, more excited and generally happier in high school is because that’s what high school was: a tribe (assuming that you went to a small one like me). It was after high school when I moved out my city to colleges, and afterwards moved to a big city, when the social disconnect and anxiety and stuff started.
I resonate with this so much. I'm old, and have given up hope of finding a physical community to live in, but I still seek a sense of community through building friendships.
"Find the essence of humanity inside you, then you can live with any person on earth."
You haven't met the kid stalking my daughter who's bipolar and hurts animals.
@Mist Wraith I get what you mean, but all of us are 'damaged' to some extent. But I get that we write each other off too quickly over something insignificant, that should change.
@Mist Wraith Yeah like I said, we write each other off too quickly. One little thing that puts us off and we turn away. Trust me, I've been married to my polar opposite for 25 years, we don't agree on a lot of little things but we are how we are and we accept our differences because what we have together is more important than what we don't share.
Never had that, I feel so good by myself that I would never trade that ability for more community.
Introvert gang represented
But what do you by yourself? Social media? Message boards? Online gaming? These are all signs you're actually craving community.
@@sebastianelytron8450 very good question.
Intros can also crave community
@@mikemyers5000 I think introverts have it really hard in life sometimes. They seek community however the community does not necessarily seek them. An introvert does not care for what they deem to be meaningless and surface level conversations. They want to make a deep connection with someone otherwise the interaction isn't worth their precious social energy.
Alain de Botton said in a recent interview that he sees this as being the task for the rest of his life: to build a real life community where people could exercise the kind of things and way of life proposed by TSOL.
Sounds like a very interesting idea, maybe this is the first step into it..
We need a billionaire to embrace it 😂
My goodness! You got this so right. This deserves an award of the highest order. Congratulations 💕 🙏
This video literally gets published on the day I needed it the most... I just want to say thank you The School of Life.
Oh my God this couldn't have better timing. I was just having a complete breakdown over how terrible I felt and suddenly couldn't breathe. I realized I feel like I have nobody to reach out to. All alone against a void of terrifying emotions
Create a Vibe Tribe! Get 10-15 of your close friends and get together with food, philosophy, emotional vulnerability, art, music, ETC whatever you collectively value. Meet 2 times a month or more than that, and share share share! Make sure that every individual person gets heard and has the opportunity to express something they truly care about! Just thought of this idea before this video was posted and had to share. I’m planning a get together this week :)
Thanks again School of Life.
Your insight and guidance is truely amazing.
I cried watching this. I can’t help but feel like I’m the lonely ant in the video.
We have many communities that we can belong to when we choose the ones we want. Book clubs, sports groups, café's, therapy skating,biking. When you choose a partner it could be just a friend to be with. Try to have a mutual understanding in sexual relationships. Whether It's just a part time lover. Friends with benefits. Someone to marry . You must seek what you need. The media should not have to tell you what YOUR perfect situation or who your perfect partner is. Things don't have to be "PERFECT" just perfect for you. Accept your self your talents abilities and skills.
Share your knowledge and experience. Appreciate others for their own skills and abilities. You don't have to hate or be jealous because someone does something better . That's why we do different things some people are doctors and some people are cooks and I am glad for the differences.
Loneliness is very sad thing to experience 😥😥👍👍
Myti TV it really is, until you realize the only person you need if your self.
@@xCraftabIe you can enjoy yourself and still need other people to be better.
Alejandra Marquez Yeah maybe some people, but the only person I need is Jesus, he’s got me through thick and thin and all in between✊🏼✊🏼
Alejandra Marquez He’s got you as well as everybody on this Earth, look to connect with him like you look to connect with other people
If anyone lives in London, there's a place called Springboard Urban that's essentially recreating community life, 30 to 60 room houses with everyone in a similar age and large communal areas so everyone knows each other and connects. Lived there for 2 years and almost everyone that left before or after me who I'm still in touch with always mentions how much they miss it
Sounds like somewhere I can fit in haha
Orgy group lol
Great insightful video. Shining a light on something that we collectively don’t seem to think about. We have online/FB groups but ultimately I think we need something more tangible and integrated into our everyday lives.
Thank you, Alan! I would say that, these days, many people wake up to this basic need/ ideea, only when disaster strikes. (Which is unfortunate, of course.) But it is a very powerful idea, nevertheless. One that opens hearts, and doors, for letting people from the neighbouring village or city in, when a flood, volcano or earthquake shaked the apparent certitude of every day life. The idea of community is one of the few ideas still standing when there is nothing material left for people to own. I think it is a beautiful idea.
hello darkness my old friend
Rainy x The Graduate
Painfully accurate to the word, love how intentional your explanations and descriptions are. I have recently uncovered my subconscious yearn for community and it hurts but i think that hurt will motivate to find one! Keep up the good work guys.
I needed this reaffirmation Alain. Thank you brother 🖤
This video stimulated some thoughts in me. It sucks that even though I have friends, we don't have time for each other most of the time. Everyone is busy working, too far and therefore takes too long to get together some days, and/or too tired to hang out
“Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible.”
― Carl Gustav Jung
So basically find your people…who think the same or have the same values and beliefs.
@@2202Winterful Yes. But also have a sense of self awareness that you don't get trapped in a tribalistic echo chamber.
I live alone in a car on a mountain. I've been single for 11 out of the past 12 years and spend nearly all my free time in solitude. I wasn't always this way, I was engaged once. I used to be a bleeding heart romantic before I realized what kind of place the world is. Now either I don't get lonely or I've compartmentalized it so well I'm not aware it's there. I can't say I'm "happy", I used to think I was before I realized it was an illusion, but I am at peace in an insane and soulless world and for that maybe I am a little happy. Total disconnection seems to be the best avenue whether it is truly fulfilling or not. Sometimes we just have to do the best with what we're given.
I really enjoy your insight and encouragement at a critical time in my life. Thank you, and you are doing a necessary service. Bless you all.
It's...it's so f*cking hard to even attempt to find a community of friends or whoever if you grow up as a lonely kid who wasn't allowed to go anywhere but school, home, and wherever your parent/guardian dragged you. You end up being quiet and it becomes difficult to really present your thoughts and feelings. And by the time you're supposed to mature everyone you know has pegged you as the person who never goes out, the person who likes to be alone. And you do enjoy being alone...for the most part, but there's still that part of you that pulls at you wanting to go out and do something except...you don't know how. You try the only thing that you can think of: vaguely prodding your friends to invite you to places with them. They already know you as the person who doesn't go out, so they forget too often. Soon you start to feel like a burden, soon you don't say anything and you grow apart. Though you all still consider yourselves friends you feel more alone than ever.
Or...maybe that's just me?
I love solitude. But there is only one person I can not live without , my mother. She is the only person that I can share my solitude with.
Your amazing, You hit the nail on the head, I've wandered around America and Europe all my life alone, I yearned for this, but always put it off until tomorrow and when I'd be better, " but now I see I was better, And I'm still alone,? And now I need to keep moving, I've always and still would love to live in a comune, I've always been kind and generous to a fault, And I've seen a nasty side of people, The best thing about this chaos today is that people might pay more attention to people like you.
You've touched me with this post,
Thank you Sir
I've been thinking a lot about this lately.. Always at the right time, School of Life.
"As bees evolved to live in a hive, Humanities evolve to live in a tribe. And we're the first society in history to abandon that."
One problem I've spotted over the years is ppl tryna FORCE "community" onto someone or force themselves into a community that they don't belong, just like those relationships you spoke of...
Too desperate and that, imo, won't fix the issues of feeling alone.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately and I'm glad that SOL did a video on it!
I'm tired of living in a city and have decided to move back to my small hometown because the aching of disconnected loneliness is literally killing me.
We need to create more groups/ communities in which we can share our ideas and same interests. We are isolating ourselves too much.
Meetup.com helps but it's not enough
I would rather surround myself with a small number of genuine friends
rather than a "community" of strangers
Yeah same. I'm happier enough this way.
same here, that’s why i don’t talk to many people in here any more
I think that's what he meant by "community"
I misjudged in the end there when I thought they were going to say community was the answer but it’s actually what you just described. A tribe.
One of the best videos yet. Thank you!
I think people would be satisfied in with just a place like 'Cheers' where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came. I think the local cafe where you stop to get coffee and a bagel would serve well if business owners recognized that what they are really selling is a sense of connection and community, not just a home brew blend of pretentious coffee.
My last partner expected me to be everything : 2 years after moving here he had made no friends except myself (he had a job but never wanted to have deeper relationships with people he worked with). It was way too much pressure and we broke up (for other issues as well but from that one I felt very guilty at first to "leave him alone", but now so relieved I don't have to be someone's whole support network from their own choice). I see my friend group much more often and it feels great.
Its hard trying to meet someone and being in relationship, you can do everything right but it can be the other person who lets you down in some way.
@Raiken Xion so true !
I feel like spending a lot of time on my own is just fine 😊
Brains Applied Ikr I’m happy being alone
Yea it is
For introverts like me
Or should I say... *Us*
Brains Applied It’s awesome!!!! Just stay focused your goals and don’t let any bastards get in my way.
@@xCraftabIe exactly!
Never has a video spoken to me so so personally... This is exactly what I've been feeling and thinking for a long time...
YES! I've been thinking about this for over 5 years. The connection is so important
When we were living in a community, we were craving solitude.
This was great. I look forward to implementing such themes in my work. Thank you for sharing such insightful content.
This is so important and needs more recognition
I’m not trying to blend in with the crowd, because what did the crowd ever do for me? - my boi Marcus Rogers
Ya boi JJ sound very self-centered and entitled
Eve M Jeez why you have to come at my neck like that😂😂 You have a right to your opinion, but dang what’s with the saltiness. It’s a quote from a song that I relate to a lot! No need to be a Debbie downer my lady😘Hope you have a good rest of your day and please don’t give anyone else shit for no reason like you just did here😂
3:29 I had never thought of this before, it's a very interesting interpretation. Maybe that's one reason for my constant desire for fame, even when I don't really want fame and think it wouldn't be good for me.
Yes, for a long time I thought about fame a lot, and that that would be the answer to not only my creative outlet and ideas, but to show the world how great and smart I am. But then it hit me, that actually enjoying your life and being kind to yourself and others is so much more powerful. Because it makes an impact, and isn't that what we are here for? That's why I had to take a good look at myself and my career choices, choices of which people to surround myself with and choices to how I use my time, which is precious. I've been working with children the last two years and currently becoming a teacher. Trying not to take things for granted and seeing my friends as my tribe. Unfortunately they don't live around the corner, but put the importance on making plans to see each other. And try to call and talk to my mom everyday. My dream after I become a teacher is to create some community events outside work like I've done in the past.
My feelings put into words. Great video as always! Thanks for the thought-provoking content.
I truly crave to live in close community. Life is just so hard without it, and you are right that it causes you to remian in toxic situations for far too long!
I'm having difficulty with caring about myself, I find it near impossible to imagine to care for another 20 people
I think that is also the point. No one is perfect. You don't got to look like a million bucks or have control over everything in your life (work, home, love, exercise, food etc). Kindness is all you need. To yourself and others. That you take yourself as you are, taking one day at a time, making plans to what you want to do, but not being hard on yourself. Like how you would treat a friend. The same way you shouldn't be critical of yourself the same way you shouldn't be critical of others. Listen to them and their stories. Laugh and cry with them. Help where you can. I think we forget that a little goes a long way - like smiling at a stranger in the street. I saw a young woman today walking and she went up and helped an older woman who was trying to reach her bus, by letting her take her arm so she wouldn't fall. That to me is love. That is kindness and goes to show we don't need to be perfect to help or like each other. We are exactly like we should be and the feeling of community is so much more important than materialistic wants or beliefs on how you should live your life from media or a capitalistic view. Meaning in a communal household everyone would get a task they were in charge of, just like in a village. Doesn't mean you have to be able to meet everyone's need. Just that you have a purpose and you are appreciated.
People that are lonely by choice think that they're strong for being able to live by themselves, but never try hard enough to search for a group of people or that one person that shares the same interests as you to become even stronger.
You can only try so much… it is exhausting
Its like you were reading my thoughts when I watched this. I've spent the past year or so learning how to live on my own after a breakup from a relationship of 10 years or so, but found my tribe in the process. We are dotted all around the UK, but have plans to live communaly in the future. Knowing what is on the horizon for us has helped on my journey a great deal
I feel like you make these videos for me at just the right time in my life
I think people just want to know "someone" cares about them. Doesn't take a whole community for that. I find communities and families can stifle our personalities. People only care about themselves and how that other person affects them.
Wildflower wind but even “someone” that cares for you, it’s really difficult to communicate your problems to them
The sentiment is nice, but modern industrial/ post industrial societies are a collection of individuals who are pursuing a multiplicity of individual desires reinforced by the rejection of collectivism. Society makes it difficult to identify ‘your tribe’ because there are so many people from different tribes converging upon population centres, each with different and competing value systems. The ideal tribe would be one’s family of origin, however not everyone is fortunate to come from a supportive and loving family and so finds it impossible to stay with them. Whenever humans try to get together and restore ‘the tribe’ it tends not to end too well. A classic example is the Rev Jim Jones’ ‘People’s Temple’ church of the late 70’s that allowed certain loyal followers to rise to the top of its hierarchy, yet held the rest of its’ members (community) in a vice like grip. The sad end to this tale was a mass move to the jungle of Guyana, the giving up of all wealth, possessions and ultimately their lives by drinking Kool Aid laced with potassium cyanide, where just short of 1000 people voluntarily and involuntary died.
I think that because people want different things and it’s difficult and time consuming to discern what they want, the best one can hope for in this life is to occasionally find someone who is travelling the same path as you and that you both share and enjoy that experience for as long as it lasts.
The best video so far ... let’s hope there’s more focus in the future on the importance of community for all of us
This is fab. Especially liked the bit about not having community can put the pressure on the one person to satisfy everything for you. Completely sensible
What if I know I need some kind of community, but at the same time I find others to be such a hassle to deal with and are often annoying if I spend too long with them, and I'd just rather be alone for most of the part. I don't really feel lonely but I realize it's making me depressed... I have no one to live for, except my family and my one friend, who would all be really sad if I died.
I'm more lonely then anyone can imagine
Nadeem Khan wanna be friends :)
@@jamesi_ I love to off course but how can we talk on UA-cam
@Nabaneet Sharma Thanks bro I want to have friends