Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person
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- Опубліковано 12 сер 2017
- This video sees Alain de Botton, Creator of The School of Life and narrator on the majority of our videos, talking at a Google event in London in 2017.
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“Our parents aren’t gonna tell us what’s wrong with us, they love us too much.”
Asian kids:
"Jimmy, come the FUCK over here, you missed an A+ on one of your subjects"
Lmaooooo actually all parents but I’m an Asian kid so I can relate. I mean if they just praise us all the time even when we do badly/can improve then we would become arrogant anyways
lol my parents are asian parents while not actually being asian
'Look at your cousins got into Harvard, and look at you being stupid. I wasted my rice for nothing!"
asian parent: you doctor yet
kid: no dad im 12
asian parent: talk to me when you doctor
"Inside every cynical person is a disappointed idealist." - George Carlin
I miss that fucking guy
RIP Carlin
u funny shit Lord
people keep calling me cynical and yes i agree wtf thank you for sharing that quote. going to look Carlin up rn.
If u scratch the surface of a cynic, you will always find a disappointed idealist underneath
Thank you
Love you 👌🏻 man
“Love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness.”
This quote hit me the hardest too
This should be in the marry vow❤
@@timothywade9618 Sorry for your trauma my guy. But what happen to you is the exception not the norm. Unless you're being edgy because you got dumped. Maybe you're just a troll. Maybe you're dead, I hope not. Anyway, trust the perfect stranger that I am: It will get better if you want it to go better.
being ugly is her weakness and I'm tolerating it!
I believe that it would rather be the willingness to help each other overcome our weaknesses, together. The essence of true love is one's conviction of being more with the other, mutually.
so basically:
- communicate your feelings to them
- don't expect a 100% amazing human
- if your partner tells you about something you do wrong it's to help you learn from it
- change how you respond to problems in the relationship (unless it gets really bad)
- do what you want to do because you'll regret all of it either way so it doesn't matter
If I missed any points please comment below
We need more people like you, thank you for making our life easier
A related thought that a friend taught me, and it enabled me to go back to school and do really well, is that when you receive a criticism, you should immediately tell yourself that there is something to learn from it, and that the person who criticized you did not have to bother to tell you. Most people won't bother to tell you what you're doing wrong, as it is kind of difficult and embarrassing to be the bearer of bad news. You don't have to do what they're telling you to do, but at least they tried to give you a suggestion when something wasn't working. After thanking them you can review what they said, and you can discard the information if it was given in a bad spirit. By thanking them for the suggestion or the critique you may also find that you disarm any bad intention they might have had. The criticism is only an attack If you receive it as such.
-True happiness is impossible to achieve
-We are all going to die with regrets
Who else has gotten tired of talking
@@lauraschutze8363 Thanks for sharing this, I needed to hear it!
I like to think of it this way: I didn't marry the wrong person, I married a real person. Instead of falling in love with an idea, fall in love with a real human being.
Pathetic, i marry mine waifu and you know how? Takings sleeping pills
@@toilaconhaisam3037 LOLOLOL 😂
Nice
@@toilaconhaisam3037 Melatonin is our bestfriend
@@xiella2028 that's my second wife
I have heard about a man who remained unmarried his whole life, and when he was dying, ninety years old, somebody asked him, “You have remained unmarried your whole life, but you have never said what the reason was. Now you are dying, at least quench our curiosity. If there is any secret, now you can tell it, because you are dying; you will be gone. Even if the secret is known, it can’t harm you.”
The man said, “Yes, there is a secret. It is not that I am against marriage, but I was searching for a perfect woman. I searched and searched, and my whole life slipped by.”
The inquirer asked, “But upon this big earth, so many millions of people, half of them women, couldn’t you find one perfect woman?”
A tear rolled down from the eye of the dying man. He said, “Yes, I did find one.”
The inquirer was absolutely shocked. He said, “Then what happened? Why didn’t you get married?”
And the old man said, “But the woman was searching for a perfect husband.”
Osho - The Dhammapada: The Way of the Buddha
Mohamed Hn
Well, shit.
Wowwww, the feels!!!
Mohamed Hnini nice
Mohamed Hnini good story
I was married for 15 years to a man who thought all "education" was "nagging" and "putting him down". He was older n always told me I had to "learn" but was never willing to learn from me and my needs. I thought I was flawed and had to hide this until years later, he had passed. In my late 40s I found a man I grew fond of. Our first disagreement or misunderstanding I thought it was over. I was not going to dissapoint another man by nagging him. As I was walking out of the door I said," You really don't know or get me do you? And this 50+ year old man said "I'm willing to learn" I also thought, well Me too!" It's been almost 8 years now that we have been together and married. Learning to love is the only way to be happy 😊 still learning him every day ❤️
Aww I love this. Wishing you a happy marriage.
@@amaragrace94 thanks so much!
This is really sweet. I'm happy for you and yours.
@@yoshilover765 thank you so much😊
You were married for 15 years before , this one is 8. Hold your horses sister. You didn’t stay for the whole 15 years if you did not like the first marriage, maybe you only hated year 15.
Before you think anything changed, try to do 20 years with this guy? Will you?
"We're not merely on a quest to be happy. We're on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar." Brilliant talk, thank you!
@Bob-rb4qpIt's just the truth about how our brain works, it might be difficult to accept cause it is kinda depressing
@@Bob-rb4qp you’re missing the fact that you’re just using semantics. You’re saying the exact same thing as the speaker. He’s just a little more brutal about the truth and you’re sugarcoating it.
@@Bob-rb4qp once again, just telling the truth, because I love you. Optimism equals ignorance. Everywhere you look, powerful forces are trying to develop authoritarian governments to enslave you. Unless you already live in one of those many countries already. Every day your body rots from the inside a little bit more, your DNA does not reproduce your skin or organs or anything exactly the way it should. If you’re “lucky” you grow old and get chronic pain and become crippled and eventually need people to take care of you. Of course many people manufacture a God, or an afterlife to delude themselves into thinking it will someday be better.
The funniest part about the above is that you are going to say I’m a dark pessimist just because I can see reality.
None of this has anything to do with the video, about the fundamental way we deal with others. Seeking someone who has the same faults as parents or others important in our youth, so we can “change them” and salve the pain.
You might want to get to know yourself a little better, then you’ll understand. Surface optimism is not depth.
Ah yes, the Lack
Can't marry the wrong person if you never get married.
PREACH
you'll *regret* that
@@melonabd are you *shure* about that?
Abdullah Alhamada tell that to priests
that is quite the immature response
I met my wife when she was 15 and I was 16. We married about 3 years latter and she died last year aged 75. We were together for 60 years and I still love her.
That’s inspiring
So sorry for your loss, but wow together for 60 yrs? 👍🏻
@@alexanderdelacruz9249
We have been married for 53 years and still are loving each other and take care of each other. I feel very blessed and can only imagine how hard it is without her. We never know how the end will be but with Faith, we believe if we are good here that we will be reunited. I do believe that some moments we take turns being hard to live with but of course there is never perfect in life and no one is !
How fortunate we have been able to love and adapt by trying to understand both sides and think about all the good when that annoying repetition of behavior occurs.
Tolerance is a necessary tool
@@theresamclaughlin2610 i can only imagine what your going thru 🙏
I'm So Sorry
"Sometimes we reject wonderful or nice people . . . when we meet them we say 'they aren't that exciting or they are a bit boring.' What we really mean is that we've detected in this really quite accomplished person, someone who will not be able to make us suffer in a way that we need to suffer in order to feel that love is real . . . and that's why we reject them. We are not merely on a quest to be happy, we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar. This undermines our capacity to find a good partner."
Wow
Except for the fact that some people are genuinely boring or rather stupid? Which leads to feelings of a lack of respect and it's important to respect a partner. Why should someone settle for someone they view as boring? This seemingly deep quote is just another example of ignoring very real nuances of human interaction.
@@MsBrehay boring and stupid people find other equally boring and stupid people to find happiness and love. The trouble is when the partnership is not equal in terms of intellect and understanding. This is the case where I find a lot of merit in what is written above.
Scary
“Demanding perfection will only lead to loneliness”
Wow, what an amazing piece of advice.
As a person who has struggled with loneliness over most of my life and feeling isolated from my loved ones, this advice makes me see things in a different light. This not only applies to marriage, but to every loving relationship we have in life, we must work with people and their flaws, and make each other better every day.
And that’s why I’ll never date again,…
You can't demand perfection but you can demand improvement.
@@fs5866 you can demand whatever the fuck you want.
You can also be denied.
And demanding perfection from ourselves too.
Yes we all need to grow into better people everyday.
"Addiction is basically any pattern of behaviour where you cannot stand to be with yourself": a very deep thought, indeed.
It's so true. Recently i've realised this
addiction to what?
Still trying to digest
@@andu__ anything
And idiots find things framed another way to be so profound and deep when it’s really not
“Love is not just the admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence”.
You are loved
Not the case for the men's.
i feel this quote..
I agree.
The quote you stated is the guy's opinion what love is. You can replace the word "love" with the word "respect" in the quote and get an opinion on what is respecting a person.
I was disappointed that he didn't cite any studies on marriage. I'm asking myself is he an expert or a charlatan.
Be safe and in good health.
‘We are all incompatible, but it is the work of love to make us graciously accommodate each other and ourselves to each other a incompatibilities and therefore compatibility is and achievement of love’ this right there ♥️
That's a nice thought and I mostly agree. But some are especially toxic for each other. Sometimes you gotta run in the opposite direction.
NO IT AINT, YA JUST SCARED SHITLESS OF BEING ALONE, INSECURE AINT YA. STOP LIEING AND TALK THE UGLY TRUTH YA FKN MORON. YOU ARE A FRAUD
@@ct6852 That's the point, love isn't toxic. As in authentic love isn't toxic. Compatibility is 'a state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict'. So compatibility is achieved when there is authentic love (not toxicity). I know there are relationships where people are abused, and you're right you should run in the opposite direction. But this statement does not apply to that scenario, because authentic love and compatibility aren't the same as toxicity.
Lovely !!
@レリック Mmmkay.... and you felt the need to comment on that why, exactly?
My personal advice on marriage is to stop looking for everything you want in one person and start looking for everything you NEED. This is where knowing yourself comes in because it's hard to separate the two. Relationships are about compromise. Not just loving relationships; every relationship. So find what you can compromise on and what you can't, find someone who fulfills your needs, and HOPE that you fulfill theirs.
I need communication it was not there
Wow. Thx so much
This is really good advice! Thank you for the inspiration
Finding someone who truly wants to make you happy is rare, and should be appreciated for what it is.
Compromise is bad word it's abt two people who understand each other and respect both values
"To be with another person is negotiating imperfections everyday"
Absolutely brilliant, Alain de Botton
Perfectly stated!
that's why we should accept that no one is perfect and instead of hiding a problem work with your partner about it
newbies in dating won't understand this
@Nernest Wilson i think if you are attracted to someone (or at least committed to them) you kind of neglect the things that are not that pleasant about them, you tend to focus more on their qualities
@Nernest Wilson which one? you're staying because you are 'attracted' to them or because you are committed? i think attraction can be temporary being committed is a choice
or maybe after those people you met you realize what really attracts you, mine is someone's way of thinking
I deliberately looked for a women who was completely different than my parents, and that made all the difference. We were married for 29 years until her body lost the ability to contain her soul.
what a beautiful way to word it
I am absolutely pleased that you met and spent so much time with such a wonderful person! I don't feel the need to say "I'm sorry for your loss" because that may discredit all the good times you had with her. Instead I'll say "I admire the fact that you two stayed together for so long". I want that. I want someone who I can work through problems with as an adult and who I know will be willing to see my side of the story... even if I'm wrong/at fault and we both know it.
So sorry hope you're okay now.🙏💗
Very smart move
Your comment abt your wife brings tears to my eyes. GOD bless you.❤️
I’ve read many books on relationships, I’ve listened to many hundreds of hours of audio and video on relationships, I’ve personally been in many relationships trying to understand what makes a successful lasting and happy one;
THIS is a 20 minute masterclass on relationships as good as I’ve ever read or heard!
You summarized this video in a best way. Thank you.
@@lamusic1996 I didn’t see any summary at all, but a very brief review, perhaps. Certainly, no summary, you might want to read up on your dictionary a little. Also, remember, I’m only taking the trouble to criticize you out of love.
Wow, as a 20-year old this speech made me really think about love in new ways.
Same
Young people are at a disadvantage in terms of understanding what real love is.
In the future people will grow colder.
This video raised my maturity level by 50 years
hahahahahaha
LOL
SERIOUSLY!
Correc!
So your 12?
"You cannot have perfection and company. To be in company with another person is to be negotiating imperfection every day"
I was actually finding someone to highlight this phrase ..
I wrote this down as well!
🙂🙂👌🏿
I just finally understood this about a relatoomship.. that It's imperfect..we are imperfect..💜
Yes sir
I love this talk and watched it multiple times over the years. I now see one big problem with it. It assumes that the partner - even though they might not be the best match for us - has good intentions. When this is not the case, trying to shut down your instincts and compromise can lead to some very dangerous places. I don’t think we should be glorifying the idea that we kinda suck so if someone sticks around we should just be grateful. Trying to improve yourself as a person and as a partner in an unhealthy context can lead to trauma because it will never be good enough for someone who does not actually care for you.
Take it with a pinch of salt.
Thank you for saying this. This is an important point that can trap many people
Agree
Underrated comment
I have always believed that a true good partner is one that inspires you to better yourself, no through pressure or insults but just instinctively. When you have two people who share this feeling you have a strong relationship
I think it’s speaking to typical couples as opposed to toxic relationships and what a great point you make clarifying it. Well done
My wedding is in a week, and this talk was very comforting- no joke
Congratulations!!!
Simp
@@maiahi She already did, and the wedding was lovely, thanks for asking.
You must be married by now. Wishing that you both learn to accomodate each other's incompatibilities graciously and with humility. Also, that your love only grows stronger. Congrats!
Thank you so much for this wisdom, and yes as you grow together you learn to accept the other person and even change for them(this is done on both partner's ends) and I'm happy to say that we've been closer than ever.
"Love is a skill. A skill that need to be learned. And a skill that our society refuses to consider as a skill"
Love viewed as a skill may still make it what it should not be about manipulation. Love should be natural and by instincts. Marriage being a business agreement should require skill. Two people signing a contract to do theater base on a narrative designed to please society. While marriage is beautiful. Some people ruined it for a lot of people, example, very effeminate men who are married to a woman and society is expected to cheer for them in social media as they celebrate their sham of a marriage, which is a laughing stock for as long as the husband can’t even smile on a photo without looking like a princess trying to be a lesbian to escape an arranged marriage.
We try to love. But we get work, school and busy shit shoved in our faces. It costs an arm and a leg just to get by now. There’s no room for romantic love anymore.
No, no, no. Love is nature
@@snowbird1381
Romantic love is a state of mind. *You are always in a state of mind.* Why not tweak the dial a little so no matter who you are with, or whatever you are doing, it will be done with love instead of obligation.
please remind me something,
Was he reading an essay? own notes? any author?
I was very absort about the talk that I didnt realize of that document he had in his hands
"We are out to find partners who feel familiar...we are on a quest to suffer in ways that feel familiar." Jesus, that's insightful. I needed this talk 20 years ago...
contemplativegirl21 it’s not too late even still!
I am still Young with no experience in relationships. What would you recommend I make of this statement?
@@erwandomine250 asking myself this same question
@erwan domainé @chocomint well it’s just a way of saying you’ll hurt in ways you have before in your childhood because it’ll feel familiar you’ll think it’s love if I make sense, per say you’re in a relationship with someone and they have some similarities to a parent or guardian that has cared for you. Whether it be good and bad the reason you love them is because they probably resemble that love you have been given when you were younger. I don’t know I’m not good with words it’s my best take at explaining it.
Marissa A perfect explanation. The subconscious brain rules us all.
My mum hasn't hesitated to tell me every flaw of mine so dont worry I know all of my difficulties to live with
fr 😭
That must be soul crushing, I'm so sorry to hear that. 😢
@@ThatReadingGuy28 if you guys want to see how she talks to and treats me I have started a play list of all the videos and voice recordings of the way she yells and screams if I don't do as she wants and acts like the perfect carer. She's got limited mobility and I'm her carer and it's a nightmare. Feel like I've been coerced Into this and have spent my youth on this and not managed to have a life of my own
I actually like listening to Alain talk. He doesn't drag on or repeat himself, he cuts straight to the point and actually teaches you something new. Thank you for the lesson and the free information.
He is so right. Those of us who have long time marriages, have generally discovered this. We who have been married a long time have come to realize we are married to another human being, with flaws, virtues, strengths, weaknesses, just like we ourselves have. We learned that marriage takes work, and we don't always feel in love, but our marriage isn't just based on how we feel, it's based also on our dedication to making our relationship work.
♡
I guess one has to ask themselves how they got to the point where there is no more love for that person. How did it happen, what brought it to that point. Maybe there is still love, but the unhappy spouse just wants something to stop that is ruining the marriage.
thank you for that superb articulation. it can be very hard for the damaged humans who had a wibbly wobbly start.
LOL, we are all damaged to some extent. It just seems that those of us who have managed to have long term marriages, have decided to make changes that are conducive to a happy marriage. A bit of sage advice my dear Mom gave me when I was first married was if you want to make your Marriage work then you have to do loving things for your spouse even if you don't feel that way, because it's in the doing that creates the feeling, when it isn't there to begin with.
Daisy Flowers
“Marriage takes work” - you mean it’s not a fairytale and is more like an investment? There would be fewer divorces if people came to that realization before getting married. Sex and love can make people blind though
Married my best friend and never looked back. Don't marry someone you're primarily sexually attracted to, because that goes away. Marry someone you like because that feeling stays.
I viewed this comment with my best friend, who is of opposite gender… one of the most uncomfortable moments in my life so far.
I married my best friend, 16 years together so far. 11 years of marriage and 5 kids. ❤
@@syedraidarsalan4685 are you attracted to her at all?
Well, not really, but if you say so...look at divorce rate.
"that goes away"? Not necessarily
I'm a firm believer that love is something that needs to be built. It's true that so many people expect it to be something that just happens and has a chance to last or a chance to fail, but lately I've been much more of a fan of the idea of creating love from scratch. All it needs is some degree of familiarity and likeness, in order to establish a connection, but the rest is all about work and responsibility, which need to be fulfilling in some way. Thanks to my long-term partner for setting me on the path where I can discover and learn this, as well as exercise it over and over, every single day.
The part about a "catastrophic amount of sulking" was so damn good. Learning how to communicate and teach my partner what I need has been a long journey, but it has made our relationship so much healthier.
Here's my advice... marry a kind person. I did and I'm grateful for it every day! If someone is mean, letting you down, critical let it go. More :) than :(.
That's the type of person I would look for in life
@Sunny Delight , you aren't very sunny or delightful are you?...lol
Thank you for this! :)
@@alexnguyen2557 same here
@Sunny Delight Lisa said 'a kind person' not 'a perfect person'.
When I can't stand my husband of 30 years another day, I think about how many people couldn't stand me.
omg. very self aware and very surprising to hear a woman say that.
I like your honesty 😉 you make a wonderful wife.
@@oroville12345 Thank you. It is my pride and joy that he thinks so too.
GuitarGuy,
I must say that it is not even the tiniest bit surprising to hear a man respond in the manner that you did.
One hopes for a little more awareness.
But hopes diappoint us, don't they?
@@MandyJMaddison How do you think a married woman should feel about her husband? Just because you have lowered yourself for unworthy men doesn't mean we all have. I hope that one day you find a man you can feel this way about, poor thing.
This man is literally reading everybody's emotions. Damn! The clarity he has 🙌
this is a hidden gem . 20 minute pure teaching ! THANK YOU ALAIN DE BOTTON
My husband, may he rest in peace, was the most patient and forgiving person I have ever known.
We married young, but he was mature and I was still acting somewhat like rebellious teen. He understood that my parents were very strict and I had very little freedom to do much. Anyway, he understood that I didn't want to feel like I was being bossed around. When we were just married, the first time I thought he was being bossy I yelled at him that he wasn't my father. He said, You're right. I'm your husband and you have to help me decide what we are going to do now. Wow! That was a surprise! Now, to be very honest that wasn't the only time I was unreasonable, but he was always patient. After a few years I can say that he helped me become mature. I tell people that he finished raising me. God bless him!
We had children and grandchildren and each other for 36 years. He's been gone 17 years and I still miss him. I was blessed to have him in my life. I wouldn't be who I am without him. God blessed me with a wonderful man who loved me as I was and nurtured me to become a better person.
Peace and blessings to all!
That is lovely. I am so sorry he passed away, although I don't doubt he watches over and waits patiently for you.
@@angr3819 "waits patiently for you" - the creepiest thing I heard in this year so far
@@lt_saw Troll bot.
This is very touching
That was a really nice story. You get it that he probably passed away so young (I'm guessing in his late 50s, younger 60s) beacuse you casused him so much worries?
The message is not to not get married, but to accept your imperfection
And, as Alain says, to "apply charity and generosity" when interpreting another's behaviour.
@@TristalisVitae God doesn't make mistakes. What God has joined together, let no one separate. There is a reason, perhaps to test if you love God above all.
@@TristalisVitae to save people 20+ minutes of watching these videos
Then his message is wrong. Just because someone stands on a stage and some people clap doesn't mean they are anyone special. He has no more insight than any random youtube commenter...the people that already agree with him and whose opinions he reinforces will think he's wonderful, the rest will think he's an idiot.
Your and your partner's imperfections
He is so right. And our society taught us so much wrong concepts about love, because of that we often feel confused about our relationship. I love this man's speech and way of presentation. No one is perfect, we don't need perfectionism. All we want is real, the unique ones with their own imperfections. Those impressions makes them special. Accept your partner with their imperfections ♥️
"Love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence"
Amazing explanation man, I learned quite a lot of things here
My best relationship started when I realized I don't need anyone to be happy.
Become a Stoic. Being content in your own company is a superpower these days.
@@jakebullet1731 Being alone and being lonely are two very different things.
I read it in the wrong way, as in I don't want anyone to be happy, in a sadistic way. Realised how swapping two similar words in change the entire sentiment.
Hallelujah
You are the master of your own feelings..once you nail that then you realise you don't need anyone too be happy then your a better partner ..thanks for spreading the message..
he is talking at the perfect speed so satisfying
Totally. I don't have to do 1.5x or 2x speed
I still watched at 1.5
I did 2x speed, lol
he slows down then speaks quickly and slows down again and again. LOL
I did 10x
- the 1x-upper kid
Love is not just admiration for strength it is also tolerance for weakness and recognition of ambivalence.
Refreshing. Totally refreshing. I'm not married. Had relationships that had its ups and downs and remain friends. I like his view on love. It's very true. Disney honestly is not love. I wish they taught us this. I think he is hopeful that love is real and wouldn't it be wonderful if we understood it better?
"My task today is to turn that anger into sadness" The School of Life in a nutshell
You understand us PERFECTLY.
Masquerola And that sadness into personal growth
nice meme
Fairy Khamari I would say that the unwillingness of the other person to grow and become better alongside you, or if that person causes you immense or repeated intense pain, then you're both probably not ready for that. If you have tried but they have not, then that would be the time to leave.
Masquerola I'm glad I'm not the only one who noticed that :D
Bold of you to assume I’ll get married.
Edit: it’s not that deep I’m just ugly ✌️
@@Bluejelly13 Who're those "us" you're talking about?
@@Bluejelly13 living together in fact does not count as marriage at all. I don't know why you would think such a thing.
I hope you never get married
I absolutely will be living alone my whole life. Well, a dog, but that's it.
You do you
Love is not just admiration of strength, it is also toleration of weakness and recognition of benevolence 👍
To be in company with another person is to be negotiating perfection everyday. Love this reality check.
"If you ever feel useless just think of the papers he's holding"
9:30
underrated comment 😂😂
ur slow it's a small script or bullet list so he's on topic
Lmao regardless I got a good laugh
Did you just compare me with papers? Guess I am useless
"If you cannot explain, you'll never be understood". That's deep!
How do i explain
@@A_ldo.. Communicate and communicate some more. I believe more marriages would be more healthier and divorce would be avoided if we speak more with each other about our thoughts, feelings, expectations, fears, disappointments, goals and so forth. Human beings are not mind-readers, so people can only meet us as far as we’re willing to reveal of who we are, what we want and expect. If we don’t explain, people are going to make assumptions about us and those are most certainly bound to be wrong. So the best is to tell and show people who we are and what we want so they don’t end up misunderstanding us. I hope that small explanation helped a little bit 😊😊.
On a personal note, I’m very forth coming about what I want and expect. I feel it’s my responsibility to represent myself very clearly so I’m not misunderstood.....especially in my marriage and by those who matter to me. I’m my own representative to others and no human being knows me better than me.
If you don't need to be understood you'll be a man; if you need to be understood you'll be a woman.
Every introverts worst nightmare 😔
@@stevedoetsch i dont "need" to be understood, I find that simply being loved is what I need and want at any given moment..this is enough.
Ah, good to put a face to a voice. Alain, not only does your voice convey such eloquence and articulation, but a sense of genuine compassion and authenticity. Thank you for your creation and sharings.
This man is brilliant. So many knowledge in a 22min speech. Thank you so much for uploading this
Woah! He just said our parents will never tell us what is wrong with us? That's all my parents did my whole life! What world does he live in?? it sounds great!
If you had parents that berated you or were mean in such a way, they most likely were still being dishonest with you. They weren't telling you the truth of what is wrong with you, they were telling you what they didn't like about you, or what they didn't like about themselves. Completely different than what is actually wrong with you.
My parents were Capricorns they would tell me trust me!
Sounds like conditional love. Like under certain circumstances they showed approval and love. God on the other hand, wants us to be like Him and have *Unconditional* love. To choose to love, even when people aren't perfect. Which people never are😂. I mean He died for us when we were being absolutely ungodly. We were far from perfect when he gave us the ultimate gift.
Hello fellow Asian. That's all. 'Nuff said 😂🤣.
@@emilygee6618 I know people who got unconditional love and they live in their parents garage for 50 years. Honestly nobody likes being pushed but the results are greatness.
"To love someone is to apply charity, and generosity of interpretation.." What an immensely helpful statement.
unless you are married to a psychopath and runs you to the ground whilst you are applying "generosity in your interpretation"
@@GodiscomingBhappy Well then you aren't loving yourself.
Not if your partner has zero compassion.
The problem with this is that you could apply "generosity of interpretation" or in other words give your partner the benefit of the doubt until the day of your death while you are being taken advantage of and expected to apply exactly that with them so they can get away with anything. And once you realize that it's one sided and that this great characteristic of yours is abused and exploited you know you married the wrong person. Not as bad as you, worse.
My mother was actively jealous of me and tried to undermine me all my life.
I came here after a breakup and this line hit me: “The full display of our characters, the full articulation of who we are should not be something we do in front of anyone that we care about.“
I just did that two days ago and it cost me a beautiful relationship. I should have been more graceful. :-(
Same here
I have never thought of love in this way.
This is brilliant. To the people that have found love and are truly happy, congratulations that’s exceptional!
“Love is a skill.” After nearly two years of marriage, I can assure you this is spot on! Love is a skill that can be learned, but only through patience, humility, and commitment.
Two years? You're still at the very beginning! It gets challenging and complicated as the years go by. After 23 years of marriage, I realize I still have so much to learn.
@@mygirldarby You're absolutely right! I aim to be where you are. Thanks for sharing your wisdom. 🙂
I love this
Love is a skill!!?
Lol
Sounds more like a burden than a gift.
"Our parents won't tell us what's wrong with us, they love us too much."
Children of toxic/abusive parents: 👀
They don't though they tell us what's wrong with them
Toxic, abusive, distant parents won't tell /teach you anything anyway..
I had both former in my aunt and latter my mom who have both raised me. But I love them both now.
Right😂
This made me laugh thank you hahaha
I've been married for almost 10 years. I love every moment of it. I'm pretty sure I married the right person because I chose someone who is the direct opposite of my father. I made a conscious effort when I was dating to date someone who isn't anything like him.
This was hilariously entertaining! 😅 I love the way he phrases the common pitfalls of relationships. Good advice...communication & grace is key! 🙌
Him: Most of you are addicts, you distract yourself so you don’t have to cope with yourself.
Me: Watching this video to silence my inner critic because I’m procrastinating the work I should be doing.
This was too accurate to my life lmfao
I feel more normal every time I see one of these comments. Thank you for sharing. Noticing we're distracted is the first step.
Yeah, that really hit home.
I am working and watching this video is a part of my study :D
Your so right.
“To love is to have the willingness to interpret someone’s not very appealing behaviour on the surface to find more benevolent reasons why it may be unfolding.” Wow! That’s the most powerful definition of love I’ve ever heard.
@@AmaraSoGolden it means to love someone you have to look beyond the shell of their behavior and see the good beneath it
But what if u cant find any benevolent reasons below the surface?
@@rashid7735 if the surface is what matters, then that’s at best a 3 year relationship
@@PinkyMinions No thats not what I mean. A women (over-)reacts in a different manner (emotional) to things, which is sometimes unlogical and unnecessary in my opinion. When I try to reasonate, sometimes i cant find a good reason for their 'not very appealing behaviour" under the surface, making it harder to maintain paitience...
@@rashid7735 I try to think about what kind of suffering the other person may be battling inside to cause them to act this way. The same way I try to show myself this compassion when I've behaved in ways I'm not proud of. It's often underlying fear of something, and that usually helps me find compassion for the behaviour. Helps me to remember they are a person too, and inside we all have the same hopes and dreams and suffer in the same way. Instead of feeling contempt towards someone whose behaviour I don't like. It's something I have to remind myself of and practice everyday. It's helped me accept and love myself more too.
I heard something here that I didn't expect. I've just learned that I hadn't learned the lesson of people being both good and bad. I tend to drop people or run away when they're unkind. Something I should bring up in therapy. Thank you ❤️
Oh my, I do love this. I first listened to it just a couple of years after my marriage of twenty five years ended. I giggled a bit then, but five years later it’s a joy and a laugh out loud experience. Alain de Botton is a genius teacher! ❤️😂👏👏👏
There's something about this video that makes me forgive everyone I know, and I like that feeling.
Beautiful message
Empathy
Vulnerability is a good thing.
Perfectly True 😘😄
And your comment just made me love whoever you’re ❤️
I feel like someone kicked me in the balls and said “that wasn’t so bad” then ran away
😂
and then something
Ooof
Right?
That;s the conundrum, Kevin. Need it, vs. in most cases it hurts.
Each sentence was meaningful and informative… such a power packed no nonsense delivery… he shared knowledge worth 300 pages in 20 minutes.
This is by far the best presentation I’ve seen in regards to relationships. I am so happy I stumbled across this wonderfully thought provoking and enlightening peice!
One word; Communication. The ability to communicate is what changes the dynamic of every relationship.
Home is where the hatred is.
Really that is not remotely true for most marriages. If you have communication problems it's probably because someone is a people pleaser, which requires them to be raised to be that, which isn't universal culturally. In some countries like England it's hardly anyone. In the USA there are some pleasers.
Generally communication in a broken marriage makes things worse which is why marriage counselling often leads to more marital breakdown, it gives opportunity to be plain and honest and direct about things that diminish good-will. Communication sometimes has to be restrained.
@@rickstoic6907 It is all about karma.
Bit simplistic. Communication covers a great range of behaviour and sound. Hitting someone is a form of communication.
@@clairecadoux471 Being kind is a more advisable path.
I like how he cut a part out of the Kierkegaard quote -
“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too; laugh at the world’s foolishness or weep over it, you will regret both.
Believe a woman, you will regret it; believe her not, you will also regret it…
Hang yourself, you will regret it; do not hang yourself, and you will regret that too; hang yourself or don’t hang yourself, you’ll regret it either way; whether you hang yourself or do not hang yourself, you will regret both. This, gentlemen, is the essence of all philosophy.”
― Søren Kierkegaard
Philosophy is inferior
James Hammond to what?
@@nanon7695
U tell me
James Hammond No YOU tell ME
@@jameshammond3853 That statement makes no sense whatsoever.
Even though I have only been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months, this is the “easiest” both of us has been able to communicate with romantic partners. Not that it’s always easy, it, for me, has made me analyze myself and how I function in relationships. I’m glad I didn’t date much because that has really brought out the best in each other. Being in love has confirmed to me that I’m always learning and we can learn and accept each other
The concept of rejecting an otherwise good enough human being because we recognize that our suffering with that person would be a new type of suffering and therefore unfamiliar to us is astonishing to me.
I never thought of that before but it makes sense.
Question: What is love?
a. Baby, don't hurt me
b. Don't hurt me
c. No more
It is many things. One place to start is by remembering that one thing that love DOES is that it causes one to put the needs of their partner above their own...and do it willingly & without having to actually think about it.
@Unlucky Fat Guy damn it lol you beat me to the punch ha ha ha
@@donnaporter5409 You understand that he put lyrics from a Haddaway song lol
@@debbiemoore2747 of course!😉😂
Donna Porter I
He nailed it, we're often drawn to people that make us "suffer in ways that feel familiar". It's possible to prevent this by being self aware of our emotional trauma from childhood and to work through it with like a therapist, etc
However, he said we cannot change who we are attracted to sadly. But we can change how we respond to these types.
I am still trying to figure, after many years and dating, if he is right or you are. Hoping you are.
Also what kind of therapy can help with identifying childhood trauma?
What does it really means"suffer in ways that are familiar"?
@@haraldmencke3252 it means we choose to enter relationships that make feel loved but also hurt the same way our parents treated us. We want to be loved a certain way, which is not always good.
Damn that inherent base program of the human psyche called suppression/repression/denial lol. Projection, by definition, is unconscious and therefore not preventable, only transformable. You almost sound like an optimist.
One must heal of past hurts to move forward in a new direction or you are doomed to repeat the past. Be it with a past person or new person, the cycle repeats if you are carrying the same old energy into your present.
‘there are no heroes or sinners’ - quote of the talk for me, thank you!
My mum always used to say what you say which is that all these kids and teens that have loads of friends and always hanging out with them (which I used to observe alot) never get a chance to be by themselves and think properly and become individuals and make right choices. I remember me and my friend vicky got into an argument because she ripped her skirt on a broken bamboo chair. She caught it on the nail that was poking out and she blamed it on me. For some reason she dragged my social life into it saying she was better than me because she has more friends than me. I told her that at least I have a chance to be alone and think, think for myself. She didn't understand what I meant. She said she does think, otherwise she'd be dead. Of course I didn't mean think as in be conscious. I meant think without being clouded by always being around others. I didn't know how to describe this to her t the time. I was only 15
True. And some of those 'friendships' aren't worth a shit to begin with. But it takes time and reflection to realize that.
@@ct6852 my friends were all shit. Not proper friends at all.
Introspection is important, Im only now at 38 realising that theres a lot of grown ass adults that dont examine their own thoughts and behaviour.
@@Unkn0wn1133 I do all the time and I'm 31
"We all think love is just an instinct. No! Love is a skill, and a skill that needs to be learned" - Very well said! Thank you for another fantastic (and insightful) video
Lust is an instinct.
Very right
I'd still say early stages of love and general affection go a lot by instinct, it's just a very different love when it comes to being together for years.
DIDNT LEARN IT, SO I LOST IT
Love is not a skill, love is action. And doesnt always come with a warm and fuzzy feeling.
"Until you know yourself you can't properly relate to another person" 5.54 Yessss.
There it is!
Jacqueline D'Alessandra,You look stunning 🌹🌷🌷 dear
This was the best thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life it should be taught in school before you graduate! This is truly eye-opening real facts that would cut the divorce rates in half…. Bravo well done… this should be played on the nightly news for every household to watch💯❤️❤️
If only learning in school was this practical, interesting and engaging. Some wonderful gems packed into his presentation. Should be required viewing from K-12++. Thank you for sharing this with me and the world.
The most disappointed people usually have high expectations. While those who live a happy life care little of the expectations of others.
Robert Holloway 💯✊🏽
Reminds me of something like those who have rosey eyed idealistic thoughts about life can also be the most cruel. If you think about communism, what occurred...even with what happened with Hitler...people wanted beauty and the ideal life. Ultimate structure with perfect players and beauty to boot. That’s what was being peddled, and people bought it. Instead there was rot, brutality and failure.
right on Mr. Holloway
Primarily due to the fact that they already knows the inner life is what's most important, and not the projected one or expected one🤔✌🏿😎
I think the key is balance. Don't expect perfection, but have standards (respectful or whatever other values you want to prioritize).
I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I think she is "a good enough person". I have no doubts she'll feel overwhelmed with flattery.
Edit Aug 2020: To those asking if we’re still together: Yes, we’re now married!
Just kidding. We broke up.
I sent my girlfriend the whole fucking video actually. Jesus was she mad at first.
@Di Ane Noo but working on the flaws is! ;)
As long as you follow it up with; "And I hope that you'll think that I am too." Her answer will tell you much.
haha
If she is at all honest, she will admit that she too is "settling for" the best she can get. Good luck on that.
Probably one of the most helpful relationship videos I’ve ever watched. Thank you
The first 60 seconds of this lecture kind of helps me understand why my teenage daughter acts the way she does. Thanks for helping me understand her behavior a bit better!
“Until you know yourself you can’t properly relate to another person” wow
This should be common sense. Too sad that it's not!
@@npkrn6764 yepp.
I think that sometimes it possible for someone to be on the path to self discovery, but then love arrives when you least expect it. You’re faced with the decision to let a possible good thing go because you’re not ready, or take the risk to love anyways.
Most of us swear that we know everything about ourselves.
🎯🎯🎯
1:29 "It is in fact hope that drives rage."
4:01 "Probably after 10 minutes acquaintance, a stranger will know more about your flaws than you might know over 40 years of life on the planet."
8:18 "If you keep following your feelings, you will almost certainly make a big mistake."
11:25 "So love is not just admiration for strength, it is also tolerance for weakness & recognition for ambivalence."
12:07 "You can't think too much; you can only ever think badly [instead of too much]."
12:52 "In other words, quite a lot about our early experiences of love are bound up with various kinds of suffering."
14:57 "We sulk with people who we feel should understand us, & yet, for some reason, decided not to."
17:17 "No one should accept the whole of us."
18:29 "You cannot have perfection & company."
There are some banger-ass quotes in this vid; thanks The School of Life. Have a nice day, everyone!!
Brilliant information
You thank a person who holds you down for a minor version of self-realization? Turn to the heavens instead, I invite you.
Thank you!
9:10 "To love someone is to apply charity and generosity of interpretation"
👏👏👏
Banger-ass is right, Bald Perspective.
Im currently struggling in my relationship because we both expected this to be sort of perfect. We're both scared of making a mistake. Of course we will struggle, of course there will be things we find difficult about each other. We're human. This video was exactly what I needed.
It took me many relationships and several marriages to realize that I was never meant to be with anyone. I always thrive when I am alone and when I am in a relationship, I fade away as if I don’t exist. I am easily manipulated so I should be alone.
i never married, 52 today, and i dont regret it one ounce. I look at my mates, their souls left them years ago. And 50% divorced at least once of course. Marriage is for women, and great for children. But men get a raw deal. I say when the youngest child hits 18, its time for husband and wife to part ways.
Você deve se conhecer e saber sobre por que você se anula. O segredo não é ficar sozinho mas quebrar o padrão através de terapia.
the title is depressing but the video is actually kind of inspiring.
I agree!
You married the wrong person because you dated the wrong person and you knew it since the beginning. You just didn't want to see what was in front of you, and you hoped what was real, wasn't. In other words, you were impatient and you settled for fear of maybe not finding anyone. Better to be heart broken for a short time than broke as a person for a lifetime.
Your feelings, infatuation, etc. are all part of your projections. We are all broken people. BE the perfect person you want and stop looking for the perfect person for you, they don’t exist.
Did you finish the video? The message is more that we are all human, and no one is perfect, even if you happen to find something(s) that seem so.
Everybody has faults, even if they seem great for the first week, month, year, that we can't jive with. The trick is working with/accepting/compromising to become a symbiotic couple rather than 2 people living together.
if you would date everyone in the world. would find the right person? mmmm.. people are molded by the works they group in. all human being are from the same world.
In other words, we need to live in the REALITY of the person, not the POTENTIAL. Don't ignore red flags in the beginning because you want to see the potential for them to be better. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
"you knew it since the beginning" FUCKING ACCURATEEEEEEEEE
Therapy simply does not get better than this.
20 minutes of integral content, knitted together within a flowing story that is perfectly paced, riveting from start to end, expertly delivered with pulse and humour.
Take a bow Alain, and tell your partner just how lucky they are to have you.
lol this was surface level relationship competency imo
First time of my life, I'm watching a video at 75% speed
I’m always impressed by people who can give long talks but don’t say ‘ummm’ and ‘like’ 😅
Practice 😊
He definitely went to a private school where the Queen’s English is taught
He did say ‘ummm’ @ 17:53 😅
Hes really good. Level 10.
0:09
You can't marry the wrong person if you never marry.
*Modern problems require modern solutions*
You can't marry the wrong person if you never marry because you're aromantic! ^-^
yes 👏 queen 👏 👏👏👏👏👏👏
Qwerty Pewp Best comment on here. 😊😊
😂😂
yehh
Sir, you have no idea how you changed my life astronomically. Thank You.
some people has a gift of making you feel understood and teaching you things without making you feel small
🌷
I married the right person 50+ years ago! 5 children ,grandchildren and great grandchildren later we still Love each other! I was 16 he was 19 and nobody thought it would last!
💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
Respect
why are you then watching this video?
Awesome ❤️❤️
@@eritreanism because it’s free
Socrates screaming from the back:
-FIRST OF ALL... DEFINE LOVE.
😊😊
@@victoriadorgu3207 You said he was the narse, but you were the stalking gf. Btw, that kind of privacy invasion has laws against it in some places but you sound like an advert.
I hope you find the peace in yourself that you won't be so harmed by what you think people think of you.
😂😂
😂😂😂
He DID define it. Go back and watch again and pay attention this time. ;-)
Honestly, looking at the length of the video made me not want to qatch it but tried it anyways. I end up watching and listening carefully. It was engaging. Amazing lesson you've taught us. The BEST definition of love and married life.👏👏
Love yourself first and you will attract what you desire , learn to master communication with your partner and never get angry and yell but instead talk it out and listen to one another . But most importantly be best firends and respect one another .