The Importance of Being Single
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- Опубліковано 10 січ 2023
- One of the most important preconditions of a good relationship is a satisfactory perspective on being single. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion. Discover why the bedrock of true love is happy singledom.
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“One of the most important preconditions of a good relationship is a satisfactory perspective on being single. The more we are happy to be on our own, the more we will be able to exercise the correct degree of caution around finding a new companion. The bedrock of true love is happy singledom. Yet our societies do very little to help us to be calm or at ease in our own company. Singledom is framed as an involuntary, depressing and always hopefully temporary state…”
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"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone” - Robin Williams
YES!!
I still miss Robin dearly. And that is one of THE most simultaneously devastating yet
*wise* quotes of his. It's beyond true, too; it's reality for almost every human being experiencing their final hours.
R.I.P.
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
I am guilty of this.
Amen. I get lonely. But never as lonely as I felt with an abusive partner.
BRILLIANT. THANKS
I've been single for most of my life, and I honestly really enjoy being independent. Of course, if the right person comes along, then it would be great, but it's important to love yourself first and foremost before anyone else can love you romantically.
What a healthy and mature perspective - and of course, we quite agree!
I agree! You show people how to love you based on how you love yourself!
Same here, now I'm seeing someone but I don't understand how to treat her, being in my early thirthies, I feel like this is expected from us now and I don't feel like I have a lot of wiggle room or grace.
I just try to treat her as well as I can and what I feel is the right thing, though still it's all so confusing
Amen!
Guess you are under 30 right?
The only person you're with 100% of your life is yourself. So if you don't have a good relationship with yourself, odds are a relationship with someone else isn't going to fix that. ❤️
Absolutely! ❤
Truly a beautiful statement!
i donm't think one has to necessarily mean the other. the mechanisms for a partnership only need both people to be walking towards each other. theres no way to walk towards yourself, and i don't think anyone is with themselves 100%. partners can help each other have a good relationship with the self.
Stupid bullheaded concept. Doesnt understand how life works
@@pussypuffs thank you. Maybe this advice works for people who are newly single eg. A year by themselves. But being single longer than that, and you really do understand how critically important it is to have an intimate partner, who understands you and loves you back.
There's only so far we can go in loving ourselves. It's great to have somebody else view us with affection.
Being raised by parents who definitely we're not and are not happy with their relationship really taught me how important being at peace with being single truly is. It does not make you hasty when it comes to picking a partner and it honestly gives you time to figure yourself out imo.
Being single and happy and at peace is genuinely so much better than being in an unsatisfactory partnership
i disagree. the fight for love is the only thing that matters. theres nothing that can be figured out alone that couldnt be with someone else. love is more complicated and immediately harder than being a single individual, and i think that contributes to the "im not giving up, im doing whats best for me" mentality. is enough happy and at peace to label yourself happy and at peace better than struggling for a better understanding and potentially more peace and happiness than one could obtain single?
i understand that our parents and the people around us make it seem like love and partnership is something not worth the pain, but they did things wrong and we can do it better. is it possible that there is information missing? if that information becomes known and followed could it lead us to something better? life is not what we think it is! life has been defined by people that didn't/don't understand and don't want to question it!
omg that's so relatable
@@pussypuffs what's your point exactly? I'm lost a bit tbf, you can be subcjetively happy being single, no?
@@MrPanSzymon thank you for communicating with me! anyone can be subjectively happy (that's just telling yourself and/or someone else you're happy, right?), but i don't think "happy and at peace" is better than being in an unsatisfactory relationship i guess is the foundation of what i'm saying, and that we have preconceived information corrupting our ideas of life and love
Would you have preferred if they had separated
This year i'll be turning 50 and celebrating my 25th year as a single person. I invested all my time, energy and care in me. Now it pays dividends. To all the young people out there i want to say know yourself, love yourself and do you. If someone comes along who understands and respects you and wants to walk in life hand-in-hand with you that's great. If not, life is still great because you got you. As Oscar Wilde once said :"To love oneself is the begining of a lifelong romance."
beautiful words, thanks for sharing 💗
💗❤️
Thank you
Yup. I agree. I'm a 56 year old female. Single since I dumped my fiance at 28. I do want to meet someone in the next couple of years. I have LOVED my freedom but want to get back into the dating game but I dread dealing with all the BS that goes along with it.
@galaxyglitterlatte4664 I am in a similar place as you are, but I don't wish to get back into the game. I tried dating a few years ago and was miserable. I just want to stay by myself and live out my years single. There's way worse things that can happen to you.
Being single has one problem only, it’s addictive. The peace and quiet is addictive. Mainly when you see people around you miserable and a whole batch of problems because they keep jumping from relationship to relationship. And even stable relationships bring a plethora of problems. So yeah, being single is addictive, when you have no problems with being single
The tranquility of hiking, swimming or fishing by myself is incredibly powerful and alluring. Those euphoric moments when I just feel high on life, like I truly belong and existence is bliss, they ALWAYS happen when I'm alone. It's unappealing to cut back on those activities for the substantially less fun task of meeting people. Merely making that first effort feels disempowering- I'm sacrificing my free time for other people. Everyone's journey of independence and self-love is different, but mine has been a death sentence for social and romantic relationships, because from this place of clarity it seems they're simply not my thing.
@@mangoman2148 that's why I decided to let it happen naturally. If I meet someone when living my life that I would want around great, if not I'm not wasting time "searching".
@@mads6847 That's a great attitude to have, but I will say that depending on how you 'live your life', it may be extremely unlikely you actually meet that person. I'm under no illusion that when I spend most of my free time alone, or at the gym where other people want to be left alone, I'm not going to meet anyone. Now if 'living your life' means going to parties, social clubs etc then your chances are much better. But even then there's a level of time and effort required for introduction and courtship. Frankly I'm amazed how many people think a suitable person will magically 'come along one day' without making any effort themselves.
I feel the opposite.. that the quick dopamine hit & fast validation from getting attention from a lover, whether a competent one or not, can be addictive. Which is why I have 4 long-term, back-to-back relationships under my belt before 27 😬
Personally, I wouldn’t call it a problem.
"When someone is starving, they will eat anything"
I can't believe how well this metaphor fits..
I’ve been single my whole life and having parents who had a toxic marriage didn’t really help motivate me. I used to get unbearably depressed, to the point I had to get myself to therapy. After turning 30 last year I started accepting myself for who I was, and surprisingly my depression started going away. This even helped me finally have fun and started going out more. Sometimes we try so hard finding happiness that we fail to forget it was in front of us this whole time.
Good on you, I have a similar story. With age comes wisdom and with that actually to ability to love ourselves. There are good even amazing couples out there who are genuinely happy and supportive, they are however extremely rare, probably one in a thousand. Who knows one day you or I for that matter may end up in one. It’s not something I search for, I look for and encourage self love and love towards all others. The more love that goes out can only be returned. That doesn’t have to be in the form of a paired couple relationship. There are many kinds of relationships.
Well done on defeating depression! I wish you well.
@Frenzy not really. It wasn’t completely useless though as it helped me become more self conscious. I gradually just started doing things I’ve always wanted to do when I was younger. Started letting go of toxic people, and hanging out by myself and actually enjoying it
This is too relatable :(
Finding happiness is like finding your glasses after realising you had them on all along.... Good to see you're finding your way in life!
I was single from 23 to 28 and during those times I made a lot of progress. From finishing some courses, switching jobs and to actually moving by myself abroad.
Are you me? You are basically describing me lmao
Has your current relationship status been helpful as well?
Hey, i'd like to know what kind of jobs you've switched all this long and how you brought yourself to move abroad. Thanks
i was single from 23-28, also from 18-23, also from -- until now
@@Fernandez218 LMAO
I’ve hated my loneliness for awhile but I’ve finally started to fall in love with it. The quality of people in my life matter so much more then the quantity.
Amen!! 👍👍
My life is full of peace and tranquillity, but sometimes i tell myself it would not be bad having someone with you with the same vibes, not so easy when you're an introvert.
Of course! But it's that very peace and tranquillity you feel at present that will make you a good prospective partner in the future.
@@theschooloflifetv indeed 💛
@@evermoore66665 not everyone of them, many couples are sad deep inside but they're afraid to talk about it, specially with their partner.
@@evermoore66665 Sure they may as well be. But being in a relationship only makes sense if it is the cherry on the cake, rather than the cake.
Precisely, while there's respective merits to being single and in a relationship, you can use the time you have being single to reflect on yourself, and work on being a potential partner for someone in the future.
My last serious relationship was 12 years ago and I can tell you, being single has been trascendental for me. I've had enormous personal, spiritual, physical and intellectual growth that I'm 1000% sure would've taken me a lot more time to reach if any, with a partner. For some of us, we can only connect to powerful ideas while being alone. Is very hard to have the introspection you need to grow if you're always surrounded by people. So, don't feel bad for yourself if you've been single for a long time. You'll become a great person because of it, trust me.
This comment needs to be pinned.
Thank you for your wisdom! 😊💝
I'm in my thirties and part of me sometimes thinks that me being single since high school was something to be embarrassed or awkward about. 😔
But reading your comment here has reminded me of the benefits I have being single:
- work on improving my physical and mental health
- enjoy the peace and quiet you experience in being alone
- work on your goals and dreams
- strengthen and maintain relationships with family and friends
- learning about yourself & trying new things
- realizing that being single is better than being in a miserable, abusive relationship
💕Again, thank you so much for your words! 🥰💖💕
Thisss!!!!!!!!
It has a catch though. If you built no family, it will all turn to dust.
This was so well said!! 👏🏽
“We will only look for someone who can deeply contribute to our life. Not someone who can laundry with us or keep us company on sunday evenings”
Being single for the past 3 years made me realize this statement is true. What I am looking for is someone who can add value into my life. Being in a relationship for the sake of just not being alone can feel lonelier than being on your own. Looking for the right partner is just like finding the perfect job or the diet that works for you. It takes time. In the meantime, I am learning how to self-sustain whether I am in a relationship or single.
Most of what a relationship is is someone to do laundry with and keep us company on Sunday evenings.
Vidia may be instead of looking for someone who can add value to your life. You should look for someone whom you can add value to their life as they do the same. That's what I think as I also look for someone.
@@omindedaltone438 Watch out for narcissists who will only leech on your ability to add value to their life tho
I'm very confused if we are already so fulfilled and satisfied with being single, what could a partner deeply contribute to our lives other than provide their company in the mundane life?
@@tiki_trash It used to be about building families. Now in our sick culture its all about selfish pleasure stimulation.
I lost myself in a pretty dull relationship, and ending it was the best decision of my life. I had the time to understand my inner world, to choose the right education path for me and had the time to truly study the subject, to work on and resolve some of my anxieties and insecurities, to mature to be a more balanced and calm person (I hope), to travel alone often (it's such an amazing experience!), to learn to be more assertive, to overcome adversities, to be more self-sufficient and resourceful. To not to accept bad treatment or attitudes. To find pleasure in tranquility and silence, to enjoy quiet evenings with interesting books, movies, music at home with a nice dinner or a cup of tea, or picnics in the park. To go to bars or restaurants alone and feel free and at ease. To go on whatever event without the need for somebody to tag along. To have time for friends, volunteering, hobbies, sports, self-care, or laziness, to have the freedom to sometimes splurge on clothes, travels, books, events without guilt or shaming. To observe the relationships of others and see the issues, mistakes, the ugly realities of the insta-perfect couples, and to understand what I want and don't want in a relationship in case I decide I am ready for one. It's been 10 years since I am single and I am still very much loving my freedom! And I'm ok if I never change my mind 🙂The world is a fascinating place, with so much to discover, feel, achieve and experience! And while being in a relationship may teach you many good things too, I think being alone is also a valid, valuable and important experience and life decision.
Thank you for your thorough description regarding the pure joy of singledom, which comes naturally when you are comfortable within yourself. I feel exactly the same way, relating to most of your comments and should circumstances bring about a special someone in the future, it would need to be exceptional to change my view. The most difficult issue I face with being single, is family who are so conditioned regarding societal expectations to be a couple, that they think I am lonely. When I tell them I don't want a partner, that I enjoy my privacy and time alone to spend as I will, they think I am just saying that to make them drop the subject! "Oh, he's just saying that, but deep down, he want's a wife". It's getting to the point that I'm starting to get angry about it, that my views, what I actually and truly want, is being ignored. A lack of respect for how I genuinely feel, they are not the "mind readers" they think they are!
@@robertconnier9457 , I am glad that it's not only my experience of happiness with being single, always nice to know that there are happy people regardless of their relationship status 😊 Of course, if someone special comes into my life, I won't be grumpy about it either, but meanwhile one can keep enjoying life 😊 Actually, it is your kind comment that describes the exact issue I have with my relatives and friends, too 😆 - it's word for word what they say (and I am sure - think) about me. Sometimes it is really frustrating (we had some pretty heated discussions), but with time I find it is just easier and even funnier to let people keep their opinions - the best we can do is be good sons/daughters, siblings, friends, colleagues and decent humans I suppose, and life will arrange everything else in the best way possible. 😊
Having the similar experience I'm glad I've found that someone like yourself shares similar thoughts as I do. I highly respect your decisions and what you mentioned in your comment. Cheers!
Wow this is beautiful to read.
Beautifully expressed. Thanks for sharing.
I am 50, never married, and single my entire life. I've learned that society socially engineers women to conform to patriarchy. After observing the cycles of broken relationships, poverty, low or no education, and what I call “ struggle love,” I wanted no part in a marriage and never will. I sincerely appreciate being Single. I live in Japan, on the island of Okinawa, where the longest-living humans live among this population. I've noticed that women connect to other women in social groups and settings to build and sustain friendships. My neighbor, who is 82 and still drives and works!! She has never been married and is childless. She speaks five languages and plays piano and the Shamisen (Japanese Guitar). She meets weekly with her friends for lunch and fun outings. Our primal need is security & protection as humans. Thriving friendships empower Singles to live happy & fulfilling lives. I love my singleness. I used to be ashamed of my lack of relationships, but now I rejoice because I have a balance of beautiful relationships with friends and sweet solitude at home...
Can I come join you all lovely women? Sounds delightful!
Congratulations
You played yourself.
Good write up!
❤
This is so beautiful ❤
Finding a good partner is extremely hard and finding a bad one very easy, being alone is way easier than both :)
Not to mention more enjoyable
😎
Why this is fkn true, really hard to find a good n right partner
Being single for a long time has not made me desperate or lonely, it has made me more selective. Every day I am progressively happier with my peace. It is going to take a phenomenal person to make me want to give that up.
I love this
I agree
I wanted to be married in my 20s because all of my friends were getting married, but I just couldn't find a compatible partner. I learned later that I was attracted to defective and toxic women because I was incapable of finding healthy and Godly women. Over time I have come to accept that I will remain single for life as marriage just isn't for me.
Same!!!!!
Been single since 2017 (a 7-year relationship didn't work out), and since then:
- I've been the healthiest I've ever been (physically active, and mentally)
- Been financially stable
- Been to most countries in Southeast Asia
- Laughed and smiled the most in my life
- Closer than ever with my immediate family
Honestly, I don't think I'll be where I am - career-wise or personally in general - if we pushed that previous relationship.
Sometimes relationships can be a burden, so can be certain friendships. Therefore, it is constructive to realise that one needs not unnecessary company in order to fulfil themselves.
Great things being single has allowed me to do:
1) Have an amazing morning and bedtime routine
2) Work harder to build my future first
3) Consistently exercise and keep fit
4) Have hobbies ( i took a writing course and am learning the piano )
5) taught me to be happy by myself, such a confidence booster feeling that way.
Honestly took me a long time but now dread ever having to settle down! Good luck to you all x
Very inspiring words, thank you Joe!
Being single honestly kills my motivation to do those things, other than having hobbies.
Last night my mum made me feel so miserable about being single but Im glad I found this vid. I feel a lot better now before this day ends. Hope my parents know and understand this.
Your mum was single for how many years?
Parents can be really irrational Ana. Yet we really care about their opinions and judgements. Listen to your intuition and heart and wou will be allright (L)
I know I used to feel bad when people say "You havent had good luck with men"
Say to your mom, if you find the right man, what if ur future man will be abusive? and a serial killer? Kill you and ur children and ur parents? Trust nobody. Evil exist in this world.
if youre single or in a relationship, good for you! do what matters to you. we're all humans on the same team. lets build each other up
Well one thing, be mindful of who you allow into your happy life. Who you confide in during your difficult moments because they are bound to occur. There are many waiting for their chance. 😏
In solitude I find my peace,
No need to worry or to please,
No one to answer to but me,
A single soul, forever free.
I can do as I please,
With no one else to appease,
I can be selfish or selfless,
And there's no one to impress.
The world is my playground,
And I can roam around,
With no one to hold me back,
Or keep me on the right track.
Being single is not a curse,
But a blessing, a universe,
Of possibilities and dreams,
Of life's endless streams.
So let me revel in my solitude,
And all the joys that it imbues,
For being single is not a plight,
But a path towards my own light
I have been an on and off again single for most of my dating cycles. As I approach 25 this year, I have used my single time to re introduce myself to myself. It’s been a blessing. I also enjoy taking myself on “dates”
That's a wonderful stance to take, it's beneficial to spend time with yourself to determine what you like before you find "The One."
thats a good idea! 💛(taking yourself on dates)
@@trinaq There is nothing like The One. It's a myth. If you think somebody will show up who checks all the points on your list, you will be very disappointed.
I was married for 24 years, and I felt more alone then than now in my solo life.
I found my best friend, my eternal soul mate…me myself, I. ❤
You know, it's funny. When I started finding happiness within myself after years of anxiety and depression, I finally got into a relationship. Self-confidence goes a long way, but I love showing others how much I care about them, especially my girlfriend. We give each other space but are there to support each other when times get tough. It's absolutely fantastic.
Same thing happened to me. While I was making some noticeable progress, I met a nice person.
This comment makes me think there is hope about finding someone actually good for me to have a healthy relationship with.
Congrats! Ya did the work! Many people, for whatever reason, don't do the personal work or even take time for self-reflection.
“Singledom is framed as an involuntary, depressing and always hopefully temporary state .”
Couldn’t be more true !! When I tell someone I’m single it’s almost as if they feel bad for me . I Can be single if I want !
13 years single with no hints of dates or encounters of any kind;
I may receive scolding from some psychologist out there but I will state once again that I've been living satisfactorily on my own, without denying that once in a while a partner's warmth and closeness is what I was needing.
We've got a whole lot of conflicting relationship out there and marital strife that are simply crushing young, developing lives.
Please, be careful with choosing to be near someone else in that more often than not they will reveal themselves as faulty individuals and in all sincerity we will discover ourselves to be defective and damaged in some way too
Very well stated!
Strange behavior from that psychologist as its main value is to *help the individual to live as satisfactory as possible on his terms and possibilities, not on his(psychologist) or other people's terms.
You seem to be scared to love again, in my opinion.
@@Leo-mr1qz Might be a contributing factor, yes =]
@Francesco MN I'm sorry for your heartbreak. It just means that they didn't deserve you. You are meant for something and/or someone greater! As wonderful as you are. ❤️
Take care of yourself. Find compassion for yourself in areas that you brush off and think, "That's just silly." The more you can love and take care of yourself, the easier life becomes, and the heartache doesn't haunt you, as often or as much. 💔
We tend to find a good friend/lover when we least expect it. 💗
I’m a 34 Hispanic woman. I feel like people want to make me feel bad for liking my solitude. Honestly, no one makes me feel happy but when I’m alone I’m happy. When I’m around people I get anxious. When I finally get home alone I feel like I can breathe again.
Same here
I'm the same way. I try to go out with friends and family but when I'm out I just can't wait to get back home to my pets 😊
Interesting you said ‘no one makes me feel happy’. Unless you worded it wrong, your expectations are unrealistic. We’re bound to meet people we don’t agree with and those we do. Isolation has been proven not to be a good thing. Covid lockdowns proved that. You need to examine the causes of your anxiety.
Same here, 34 and independent.
@@BreakingTheGrid_OnYou Yes Ditto!
I have been single my whole life (42 years) and have always been happy on my own. Sometimes I imagine it must be nice to have a partner, but then I think what a hassle it would be too. Someone pretty amazing will have to come along to make me want to leave my comfortable singledom.
BRAVO. GO WELL
Wow I hope im a strong person like you
I love being single. I just got out of a toxic relationship and wa so stressed out with someone who was never satisfied. It hurt when it ended initially but since then I've been much happier. There's nothing wrong with being single and being in a relationship doesn't mean you're happier.
Same here! I'm single for 3 months now and I'm more joyful and at peace.
just because the problem wasn't solved doesn't mean it's better to not have a problem to solve. the maximum happiness of the single life could never outweigh the maximum happiness of life with another. i see a lot of people throw around the word "toxic", but can anyone see their own toxicity? we all contribute to the downfall of our relationships
It can be a kind of prison to be with someone you're desperately at odds with.
It's toxic as HELL to end up involved with narcissistic megalomaniacs who are never satisfied with what they have. Sadly, my estimation is that 90% of humanity is pretty much comprised of them now. They're never satisfied with how often they go out, nor how many vacations they can take, how much money they're making, nor how often you pay attention to them. They're constantly nervous wrecks which require reassurance, and dangerously impulsive and reckless. If they make mistakes, they'll not only beat themselves up, but they'll drag YOU into it as well. 🤮 Personally, after decades of dealing with such imbeciles, I've had ENOUGH. I did my best, but no more! And fortunately my own set of ethics has *never* been broken. Still, I'll no longer put up with such vitriolic venom and pointless insanity. I'm an award-winning author, and I don't need to be dealing with such self-destructive NPDers. No thank you! 🙂
When it's my moment to cross beyond the dark veil, I'll be facing it on my own terms, alone. No one else is either prepared nor worthy to be at my side. I used to dream that someone WOULD be, but after 30+ years of searching... I was clearly incorrect. And that's OK! 😁 But to quote McMurphy... "Well, I tried, dammit. At least I did that."
🐲✨🐲✨🐲✨
@@Novastar.SaberCombat maybe its more toxic to not see the issue in all of us, and instead vilify 90% of the human race. its assuming you know where we were and where we are and who everyone is and what everything means but it offers no solution. we need facts, not blanket statements and answers before questions. youre angry, i get that, but knowing the real enemy is too important for solving the problem
I've learned that I am a very strong individual who can deal with many tough life situations on my own. That I am worthy of love and that I have a lot of love and good things to offer when the time comes that I decide to enter into a partnership. I've also learned what traits I don't want in a partner and am able to spot an emotionally healthy person.
It sounds like being single has given you a great amount of wisdom, Sarah. Wishing you all the best.
Yes. It’s a strong place to be.
@theschooloflifetv it definitely has 🙏 thank you for your content 😊 take care ❤️
@@jessieessex definitely 🙌
Being able to spot an emotionally healthy person is an incredible ability. I wish and want to work towards that. My track record proves otherwise!!!
Being single and happy is an amazing feeling of freedom. Work on yourself become a better person...better to be alone then in a relationship you settled for.
Being single is great and it's been my experience that there are far worse fates than the loneliness that can sometimes accompany being alone. But what singledom has taught me after almost a decade, is that I really do want to be involved with people I love, care for, think well of and think of often. There's a sense of well-being that comes with being in the thick of a collective that has similar goals/habits. It's just nice. And the more people there are to love, there more love there is to have. Even though I am still on my own in this wilderness, I'm still harbouring the ideal of one day being a part of my own rather large and loving family.
We all need a Tribe to belong to, for sure.
@@1unsung971 Interesting choice of words... I wonder what inspired them?
@@phindlovu8321 deep study of anthropology and evolutionary biology. There are UA-cam clips by Frank Forencich, aka Exuberant Animal, which details our need for tribe. He is an enthusiastic fella. I hope you are well. Best wishes.
I think this new infatuation with singlehood sometimes misses the mark with the possibilities that lie within a relationship. Of course a toxic relationship or incompatible one will drain you and leave you feeling broken or misunderstood. But there's a lot to be said for a healthy relationship. It's not wrong to be a bit dependent on our partner and be "all in." You can lead independent lives and reconvene at the end of the day. You can have goals for your life that are completely separate from the relationship. Which may cause the relationship to end, but there's nothing wrong with that. I just think the narrative of "individual growth happens outside of a relationship," paints everyone with the same brush and is not always accurate. If you value your alone time and independence that's wonderful, but you can still have both of those things within a relationship. And you can still grow so much in a relationship by letting someone in who challenges you to be your best self. This fascination with being alone sometimes glorifies singlehood as being a necessity in life. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with being single, there's also nothing wrong with being in a relationship. We're all on our own paths that teach us what we need within that moment. It's a matter of picking what's best for you and challenging yourself along the way.
Just got out of a 9 year relationship. It feels terrifying, confusing, and at times very difficult. But honestly I felt so alone in my relationship that I was trapped in for 9 years. I always questioned why I felt that way, and realized it’s because we grew apart and our values didn’t align. We were together because of comfort, attachment, and the fear of being alone. This video is spot on about ostracizing single people, and causing them to settle for bad partners due to the stigma of being single.
Rarely do I hear language of such eloquence on UA-cam. Consider: complete sentences, perfect word choices, clarity over complexity, every thought concentrated to its essence. It's like an oasis in the desert. Hats off to the author who apparently is not getting credit.
i am 35 years old and i have never been in a relationship and the way people look at me when i say that is enough for me to understand how people perceive being single lol the amount of harsh judgment i have been given because of that is crazy
the amount of progress i have made within the years regarding self esteem and self love is astonishing i am very proud of myself because of that. i also am an introvert and sometimes the constant noise of the world is exhausting so being alone with my inner world is very relaxing. i do not know how i would be able to reconcile that need for peace and quiet with the requirements of a relationship. anyways that is just my own slice of life 🙂
Someone out there might long to be quiet with you! Introverts' relationship goal. 😊
Being single and happy is so liberating. All the other activities you do with people will be more joyful as a consequence. When you challenge the difficulties of being solo there's literally nothing that can stop you.
I'm so relieved I recently figured this lesson out in my life. My last relationship was around freshman year of college and about 5 yrs passed since then. Not too long ago, I was obsessed with being partnered because I felt like I was missing out on experiences that my friends get to have. I felt unwanted and unworthy. But I've noticed that the desperation of loneliness led me to keeping people in my life that only subtracted to my happiness and life goals - and I love my self more than I hate being alone.
I'm quite introverted anyway and grew up with dysfunctional relationships all around me. So I'm happily single and have grown so much as a person.
I truly enjoy being single
I can do whatever i want with whomever i want and whenever i want.
Thats one of the big advantages of it.
Like really big.
Ive been dealing with a really tough breakup and this just helped me to realize that I wasn’t all that happy in the relationship, that it bordered on codependence, and that I should be happy to have a new opportunity to build my own self-love; not wallow for the unfulfilling company I’ve lost.
For me, a big part of staying single is that I have become much more self-reliant. The more you can do for yourself, the less you have to rely on others.
Way worse things than being on your own
For years I wasn't happy alone, and coupled with (or as a result of) a core belief of not feeling "good enough" I would bounce from relationship to relationship. This was until I ended up in a really unhappy, abusive relationship, which took a long time to free myself from, but once it ended something shifted in me. I started believing I was enough just as I am, and now am the happiest I've ever been - alone but not lonely. It's truly liberating.
Thank you for this fantastic video which brought this to life.
I grew up an only child. My last serious relationship was over 10 years ago. People often equate with being single as lonely. Well, I got news for them!
I really want to thank this Chanel for all the good that has done to my life. This Chanel has given me the answers for problems in my life that I thought as irresolvable, problems that I have been dragging for years, since my childhood.
For me, all the people from the team that make these videos are heroes. You are helping humans grow their souls, you are amazing.
This was a very palliative and timely message. My partner whom I thought I’d face the world with, ended our relationship rather suddenly and without consultation. I’ve been reeling and struggling with being single, alone, and directionless after losing everything I thought my future would be. It turns out I need to learn how to be okay, alone, and learn to live a fulfilling life as a single man. I have to really work on and heal this idea that me being single is because I’m inherently horrid and unlovable. It’s hard because I think I have always believed myself to be unloveable and ugly (growing up as a fat Asian kid). It’s sadly reinforced by American society, especially in the gay community. But if I can learn to love myself again and learn to reinvest in building myself up, I think I can learn to enjoy being okay on my own again. Such an uphill but necessary battle.
I can feel myself want to get back in a relationship right away, but I know that’s not what I need. I just wish it wasn’t so hard to be single.
Anyways thanks for the free therapy, school of life!
I've started to realise why people are craving to be in a relationship. As my friends start dating, they cave into their relationships and put their partners, whom they've maybe only known for a short while, before everyone else - even family. Everyone behaves as though a romantic relationship is the one to rule them all - the real deal that replaces all other relationships and fulfils our every need. As a single person, you start feeling like you also need "your person" in in order to make sure that you'll never be alone.
For real. All the advices and common sense is "your partner comes before everyone else" doesn't matter if you know your partner for a year and that other person for 20 - your partner should come a above. So when you're single you are replaceable and insignificant to your loved ones in the moment the relationship comes in the way. We just want someone to prioritize us.
This is very true. As a single person I very much feel third wheel to my friends who are in relationships and I certainly don't feel prioritised by friends who have partners and children even on a short term basis. In a group of single friends I feel less lonely as we equally understand one another's circumstances and prioritise social time together
I just got back from running an errand for my parents. It's taken up my Saturday..which is absolutely fine..and now I have the rest of the afternoon and evening completely to myself. I don't have to think about anyone else. My friends are doing their own thing tonight. The freedom I feel at the moment is actually exhilarating. As someone else has mentioned below ..this type of freedom is addictive. No commitments at all ..just me time. Single life is good 😌
I love being alone. I was in a relationship for 20 years, now it's time to be alone. I get to the end of each year and think, "I need one more year alone." Six years and counting...
Long periods of alone time are aggravating. It can be good, but it can also feel like imprisonment.
This sounds like it only works for people who are single for short temporary periods between relationships. If you're suffering chronic loneliness because you've never had a relationship or because your last relationship was many years ago then the idea of being a happy single is just a pipe dream.
@@zz-if1ic As someone who only had sex with someone they were attracted to at 46, I suggest instead living an alternative lifestyle. Society rejected you, so reject it. Get an easy, lazy job. Then live a minimalist hedonistic lifestyle filled with booze, drugs, games, travel, brothels, sexdolls, VR, art, and whatever else pleases you. Suprisingly better than death. Wish I'd done it years ago.
Not sure about that. I like the thought in this video, that we are brainwashed that relationship brings us happiness. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. I was 10 years in relationship, and in the end it felt the almost the same like being alone. In the end, it is only relationship with yourself, what matters. And also being able to ignore the social pressure which dictates you whatever.
this was amazing.. the more comfortable you become in the solitude of singleness, the more we become careful about who we choose to share our lives with. We stop dating out out desperation and stop being afraid of a relationships end because we already know how good it feels to be alone.
ive been single practically all my life. i often feel lonely, but this video made me realize that staying single for longer is way less scary than finding and being bound to someone i actually dont really appreciate
always been single..never had these advantages in full force
I'm 22, and have been single my whole life. I know myself better for spending so much time alone, and thoroughly enjoy choosing how to spend my time. It'll take an exceptional person to convince me that sharing my life is worth everything I'll have to compromise on, and vice versa. I don't want to limit someone, nor do I want to be limited, so I'm perfectly content by myself.
You're so very young. I think most people are not with the same person they were with at your age.
You're like a baby of course you're still single your brain isn't even developed until you're about 25.
I've been single most of my life. Because I have been thorough so much on my own alone with nobody on my side that at this point it feels redundant to have a life partner. What worse could happen that I won't be able to face without someone in my life.
I live a very satisfying life on the social front, but I love being alone and have no problem whatsoever with being single. I think it ultimately boils down to how well you know yourself, how confident you are and whether you have passions and hobbies in your life. On another note, I will say that something a lot of people can't seem to grasp is that the feeling of loneliness isn't countered by the numbers you hold in your company, but the quality of said company. And trust me, if you're a fulfilled individual your own company will be the most reliable and important to bless your life: I believe Robin Williams said something in the likes of this, but there is such a thing as feeling alone amongst others and well accompanied with no one but yourself.
I am blessed that I can now fully understand this concept. Truer words cannot be spoken. It took me many years of being single and introspection to gain this knowledge. EXCELLENT VIDEO
relationships are temporary, you’re the only one that’s gonna be in your casket
Totally agree with this. This was how I finally shaped my personality. Was totally okay with the idea of being happily single all my life when my relationship happened. I wasnt chasing a connection and thats when I had it
'when someone is starving, they will eat anything'. I needed to hear that. I was heartbroken after i lost the one that i loved the most. But now i understand why i aways took his shit and was taken for granted. Building self love and being in peace while being alone are the best gifts you can give yourself.
Thank You for making this. I really agree with these ideas and genuinely love being single and free to make my own choices. It's about saying "No, I'm already good enough. I'm good enough by myself." And that is a priceless position afforded to not very many. I'm glad I'm one of them.
I felt this anxiety too to be not single and to venture out there and find a person for fear of being alone. I felt this extend even to the few friends I managed to make, to the point where I was depending on a friend to provide me comfort and love, things I should've looked for within myself.
I never appreciated being single until I got out of a relationship that made me unhappy
This lol
This was VERY powerful! I was very happy as a single man even though, some around me kept trying to "hook me up" with someone.😅 I stayed away from them. I eventually got married to someone who I loved. We've been married for almost 30 years now. I would recommend the advice in this video to almost everyone. Peace! 😊❤️👋🏽👨🏽⚕️
If you wait for the perfect person to appear then you'll be waiting forever because perfect people don't exist. This sounds like a lot of cope to me. You have to put in the effort and work to create a good partner, they don't just find you. Have realistic expectations and go build a life together with someone good enough or die alone dreaming of perfection.
“I find it wholesome to be alone the greater part of the time. To be in company, even with the best, is soon wearisome and dissipating. I love to be alone. I never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude.” - Henry David Thoreau
I love been single I think it gives you so much freedom and it also helps to get to know yourself better,no relationship is worthy of you leaving your single life behind
I've been single a lot of time, i really enjoy being by myself, treat myself good and get to know me even deeper.
I see my partner atm the one that can understand me better, that i need to recharge of social interaction and failed relationships, we found each other at the right moment where we could save ourselves and contribute to our emotional and physical bond.
Being single is great :3
After 3 failed marriages and 20 years' worth of short-term relationships, I'm now beginning to appreciate the wisdom of these words that I should have when I was 18.
Being single has been so great, it's really let me discover my authentic self and become secure. I never had a boyfriend until my 30s (mostly by choice). But I know how to be in a relationship because I've had time to reflect on my almost relationships, and many years of experience being a friend to my group of friends (which includes both males & females, and single, coupled, & married folks).
thank you for this. i've been on my own for most of my life and was questioning my own decisions lately... but this reiterated why i made those decisions.
I've been broken up with, I took a long time to come to terms with what happened and also with my ego, "what's wrong with me?" or "what's wrong with them?" - but now, many months went by, I started to learn more about feeling what I felt, from a further back point of view, and now noticing that it is iridescent. I started to see myself and everything my character is experiencing. There's so much more to a hardship/misfortune than the anger or any negative feelings we would undeniably feel towards it. It's really a good thing to acknowledge what we're like and find ways to improve, and thrive to accept who we are with an unbiased judgment. Being alone is a pursuit of change and the endless potential of great ideas; while anger or heartache is a ball of unlimited motivation that can fuel our goals (desires). I'm so thankful for the pain and heartache that I went through, and I'm even more thankful that I realized this this way. I hope to learn more and more, and thank you for keeping on educating me TSOL.
I ❤ this so much and wish there isn't so much negativity and stigma associated with choosing to be single temporarily or permanently.
every one in the planet who is ever intending to get into a relationship needs to see this its so god damn accurate and it only really is apparent to you when you genuinely understand, and when you find out for real real then you will see what people mean when they say theyre happy alone. you cant understand how but for people that do know cant stress enough how good it really is because it opens your mind in ways that you never thought existed and your entire life will change trust me. ive very recently fully understood this and im 23 years old and a lot of other people never figure that out and thats why so many relationships fail these days. but now that ive understood it completely its life changing amongst figuring out and accepting who i am i feel like things are gonna start getting better for me and i cant wait for that change. another things its good to have high standards even if it means you stay single for 30 years eventually youll meet that person that you can be your self around and they can with you and thats the only way to have a relationship (the best friend dynamic) only when you can be your true self around your partner thats when youll find "the one" and im serious the only way a relationship will work is if you treat each other as best friends and theres 99% no other solution unless you find out that someone is finally being themselves around you but if you arent reciprocating or vice versa it aint gonna work long turn and if you do both reciprocate then you end up finding a new love for this person youve discovered that can work but a ton more rare to occur naturally rather than being yourself from the start
Happy Singledome is is so important. I felt this way when I was single. At one point I decided that it's important for me to enjoy my own company. This then helped me to find the partner that works best for me.
I honestly forgot the feeling of contentment of being single, it's been 4 years since I put myself out there and had given love and to be loved by someone. Now, it's been 4 months since being ghosted by someone who I thought would stay forever. I realized later that I miss, not only him but myself more. So, this year I promised to learn again to be comfortable with being alone and be a happily single lady. 😌
I feel you. I used to be independent and happy by myself. Until I got in a 4 year relationship and he also ghosted me for two months now.
Lets take our time to heal, grow, and glow this year. Here's to a happy single life.
I had hoped that this video would confirm what I am finding about myself. But still, in the end, the message is that being unattached is great preparation for being attached. (Sigh)
I have made new friends by taking the opportunity to get to know more about people, some who are in my theatre group I vaguely knew at first. Both guys and girls. I just seem to love my independence as much as my family and friends. So I am a single person and I am happy with it.
I've been alone for over 8 years, and while I went on some dates, the points raised in this video are the reasons I didn't continue with any of them. I'm perfectly happy on my own, and I'll take the next step only with a person I truly love.
Well after 15 years of being single (38 now) I can say that it becomes normal. I can't even imagine myself being with someone. Most of the time I do not feel alone. It's only with special moments (like christmas etc) that I feel lonely.
Nearly 23 years old and I've never been in a relationship. I've never asked anyone, I've never said yes to anyone who did. That's not to say I've never been in love, but after many years since our friendship went sour I can honestly say that the feeling I did feel wasn't worth it. It wasn't fake love either, the kind where you just want something from them and that's it, no what I felt was the real thing. The one time I was in love to me felt like drugs after nearly 18 years of not having it, in the sense that it made me feel absolutely amazing in the moment when it was affirmed between us, more than I had ever felt before. I'd been happy before then, but what I felt wasn't *just* happiness, it felt like a chest high, if that makes sense. With that analogy came the withdrawals I felt afterwards when it was gone, ones that genuinely put a stop to my mental growth for years they hurt so much. Knowing that I had finally affirmed myself and what I felt and was abandoned by a best friend of mine. Not even rejected per say, abandoned, she called me depressing when I was struggling mentally and that she didn't want to be around me anymore.
After years of pain I can honestly say that the drug wasn't worth it. That the withdrawals of it being ripped away from me were worse than the pain of solitude. I have no qualms with perhaps getting together with someone in the future, but I will be picky, and it may be the kind of love that is just give and take, no real emotions to be had. I know that I am happy alone, I always have been, and I genuinely don't know if I'll ever love again, and to me that's ok. Now whenever I think of her, or the love I felt, I don't feel angry, or even sad, I just feel... gross, physically nauseous. Like by body thinks I've swallowed poison and wants to reject it. I don't ever want to think about love again, or her. The pain is not worth the high.
Currently going through a rough time were my crush has feelings for someone else and it hurts really bad. It makes me feel very hopeless indeed. But it’s part of life to understand that we can’t always get what we want. However, I am so happy to acknowledge that we can manage ourselves to overcome these things by loving ourselves and being able to thrive on our own. It’s gonna suck for me, but I’m willing to ride this life alone until that perfect person comes into my life.😊
Most of the worst times of my life have come when I was in a relationship. I realize that says more about me than any of my partners, and I accept that. That’s why I am now committed to staying on my own for as long as it takes me to heal myself, find the love within myself that i desperately sought in others, and figure out why I lose myself in relationships.
Just got out of a relationship myself and realizing I really need to love myself more. Realizing that I wasn't happy in the relationship but borderline codependent. It's not that my partner was bad but we were clearly incompatible. And I was willing to break my own boundaries to stay with her when she didn't ask for that. All because I tied my identity to the relationship. I want to be alone for as long as it takes to learn how to love myself and make myself whole before getting into another relationship.
Fantastic video!...Being single has many advantages (and disadvantages) but unless one finds a partner with similar likes and dislikes, there will be compromises galore!
I've been married for 7 years and life has only gotten better in the last 2 when we were able to purchase a house and adopt a dog. Marriage is beautiful. I grew up listening to others talk poorly about marriage. My parents divorced soon after I was born so no good example there either. Marriage has been a great experience for me. I love living life holding someone else's hand. He picks me up when I feel down and vice versa. We're here for each other. I understand that we are all different though. What worked for me may not work for others.
But this is about being single and I’m curious why you feel the need to comment that 😂
Thank you! This couldn't have come to me at a better time! I really needed to receive this hard slap and wake up.
This video popped up on my feed today (although I’ve been following the school of life for years). I needed this! A month ago yesterday the person who I thought I was going to marry dumped me. It broke my heart! But I’ve lived by myself before, and I’m used to spend lots of time alone. Even if it takes en a while, I know I have the tools to manage this!
I am single now. Was in a bad relationship for far too long (25 years). The only thing is I find it very lonely and isolating being on my own. Especially through covid. No one on the School of Life ever mentions the physiology of loneliness. Just the philosophy of changing our mindset. But humans are social creatures and in general begin to panic (fight or flight turned on) when we feel lonely or isolated no matter how much you try to change your mind set. Our biology means we are meant to live in small groups. It is hard wired into our DNA because it is a part of our sense of safety. Studies show that loneliness can raise cortisone levels that are unhealthy and cause inflammation. Science has shown that lonely people are more likely to die young. You can say society tells us that not be in a relationship is bad and that we need to change our mind set on this, and just like our own company better, but maybe society has a perfectly good reason for showing people happy in relationships, that (as long as it’s a relatively good one) people are healthier mentally.
Although if you are unhappy with yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship, regardless of how wonderful the other person is. Getting to know ourselves through isolation, at times, is helpful in the long run. It helps us articulate our needs to others when we finally actually know what they truly are.
Take care💜
There are other types of relationships besides romantic relationships. I'm single but I have a fulfilling circle of friends. That keeps me content and prevents loneliness. I actually felt more lonely in bad relationships than I do when I'm single
@Mamma Jamma Good point. I agree with you.
This is true but did not work through covid when everyone had to stay in their houses and with only the ones in their bubble. In Canada this was how it was done. Mental illness rates went up due to the isolation of a lot of people. No surprise. I lost a couple of my activities that allowed me to socialize and they have yet to return or have returned at a reduced capacity. As far as I can tell I like myself a lot. But too much time with only yourself for company is not fun and stressful.
Think of man’s best friend; the dog. Also a species meant to live in groups. Probably this is the reason they are considered man’s best friend, they are very much like us. How often do you hear about separation anxiety when you leave a dog alone. Very often. Yes, some dogs are better at being alone than others but most prefer a companion, human or another dog. Do you tell a lonely dog, just like yourself better? I think most dogs like themselves just fine. It’s their biology make up that makes them stressed out when alone. Our biology is the same. Our ancestors survived because they lived in groups. Those who were alone stood the chance of being eaten by a lion. It is built in us to want to be with others (no it doesn’t have to be love interest). Too much time alone sets off alarm bell that we are not safe, even when there is no threat of a lion eating us. It is built into our DNA, that the only way to be safe is by being with others. This alone might make someone settle for anyone. Being with someone, anyone, is better than being alone too long. Look at the studies being done on loneliness. And look at the studies of people married. Overall they are happier than those not married if the relationship is mostly good. This is especially true for men.
I love being single. I have been single most of my adult life. I wouldn't have it any other way. I can do & say whatever I want, go where I want & I don't have to answer or explain myself to anyone. I don't have to deal with anyone or their emotions, issues, problems, ego, attitude, or bullshit. The only time I feel at ease is when I am by myself. Being around people makes me feel irritated, annoyed, aggravated & drained. I love my freedom & personal space, so with this said, I really don't plan on ever getting in a relationship or getting married. There is no one I would honestly want to share my life or anything else with. Being single & alone is not the horrible thing society has made it out to be.
Most of my friends are married. They are miserable. And the ones that are happy is cuz the men cheat. Fuck that I’m good being single
happy and healthy without stress.
For years I’ve hated the idea of dating and I’m completely unfit to do so, so I decided to stay single
You’ll never know if it’s love or the need to not be lonely until you have learned how to be happy alone.
This is exactly what I was thinking about no way 😁 feels good to get some clarification on the matter, thank you!
This is the perfect channel to be depressed. I remember going through hard times and watching these vids( when the channel started) and thinking, I feel all these they’re saying. Basically leaves you at the rabbit hole..
just broke up with someone, after 2 or 3 years of constantly being in relationships one after another. i am finally ready to be alone. this video came at the right time, thank you
I needed this video, I'm single now for first time in 11 years and it's kinda spooky. I look at my life and realize how unhealthy it is to be so codependent. I'm scared but I know I have to get back in the mindset of trying to impress myself before I can involve anyone else. Because frankly I would leave me.
THANK YOU. I’ve always been happy alone though I also love relationships. It’s wild how many people say things, and what they say about being alone and getting into a relationship to someone who is single and/or does things alone. Normalize singledom!! ☺️