The RED FLAGS You're Dating A Narcissist! Watch Out For This | Dr. Ramani
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My Ex husband was being inappropriate with my sister-in-law when I called him out on it he flipped out and flew into a rage. I recorded it. That recording was one of the factors I used to help me to make the final decision to leave because one day while he was at work I played the recording and one of my dogs started crying and ran into a corner shaking. The other one stayed still as if she was paralyzed in fear. My heart was broken realizing how traumatized THEY were.
😪 I'm sorry you went through this
Same here my dog is traumatized to you don’t even realize it till later she actually is afraid of thunderstorms now when she wasn’t before because of a loud noise from him screaming screaming lies at me at the top of his lungs so you can’t even talk or say anything I asked him why are you screaming at me? Why can’t you just talk to me and he said because you keep interrupting me and I hadn’t I stood there listening at least a whole two minutes of him ranting and screaming lies at me
It’s a theory of mine that this explains why those in close proximity get C-PTSD later on and carry this for a long time. Their presence alone is enough to create immediate discomfort and dogs are unconditional love, so that just makes it soul crushing to a child.
Poor sweeties =/ Give them lots of love and treats please 😌
Wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww😦 I’ve neverrrr heard of anything like this, I am so proud of you for getting out❤
Narcissists move VERY fast in relationships. It's not uncommon to hear, “I love you", and/or be bombarded with love songs/texts/memes a few weeks after meeting them. By rushing into sex/intimacy, they fast-forward the relationship. They get their targets to fall for them before he/she can realize something is amiss. I believe this is also the reason they tend to be VERY good lovers. Sex is usually the “hook” in toxic relationships. Narcissists lack genuine personalities. So, they mirror their targets. If you find you have “so much in common" with a new person, your likes are their likes, and your dislikes are coincidentally their dislikes as well, raise your antennas! They may be mirroring you. This is the “soulmates" hook… You'll also notice that they'll spend more time telling you who they are, verses showing you. As time goes on, you'll notice the words they used to describe themselves do not fit their personality - at all. But, they will fit YOURS!!! Passive-aggressive behavior and irrational/unexplained anger, are also major red flags. Pay attention to how a person treats you the first time you say, “No”, and/or when things don't go their way… If they give you the silent treatment, grow cold, and/or pull away, do not overlook it! Most importantly, if someone pulls away, or goes silent, after you set a boundary - DO NOT pursue them! This is how they groom you to be the chaser in the relationship. It's emotional abuse/manipulation! Pay close attention to people who portray themselves as victims. NOTHING is EVER their fault! EVERYONE, including the family pet, has done them wrong… ALL of their ex's are “crazy” and mistreated them… They’re great, but no one appreciates said greatness… Simply put, it's bullshit! No one should have a laundry list of bad experiences. If they do, RUN, because they're the common denominator! Narcissists tend to have a history of failed/short-term relationships. Believe it or not, it's hard for Narcissists to find people to deal with them long term due to their instability and poor behavior… Superficial relationships/friendships. I've noticed they don't have anyone they're genuinely close to. This is due to their inability to bond and form true attachments to people. Their relationships are shallow and based on surface-level bs. They'll refer to someone as their bestfriend, but you’ll notice they barely speak. Or, that the person is never really around. Or, only shows up when it's time to party, etc. They may also speak down on/poorly of said “bestfriend” behind their back. Narcissists tend to be condescending, two-faced and downright mean! Based on my experience, they cannot talk about deep subjects (i.e. fears/emotions). Or, how a situation truly made them feel. Or, what their childhood was like in detail… They don't want to go there. I suspect, it's because they can't. They don't know themselves well enough. They can't connect. They also live in a world of dishonesty. They're very dishonest with themselves about who they truly are. A poor relationship with their Mother/primary caregiver. Underlying issues between Narcissists and their Mother's (abuse, neglect, don’t get along, etc.), seems to be common. People that I've known who've displayed strong Narcissistic tendencies, ALL had bad relationships with their Mothers! I think it's worth mentioning, their Mother's also displayed strong Narcissistic traits… I'm fully aware and understand that there are healthy adults who have toxic Mother's. However, if you're spotting several red flags in an individual, including this one, pay closer attention! They're selfish! Some are selfish from the very beginning. Some start out generous and slowly begin withholding. Some act helpless and needy. They manipulate people into doing things for them, but never give back. It's not only financial and material selfishness. They're selfish emotionally, affectionately, conversationally. sexually and with their attention. They withhold validation and support. EVERYTHING has to be about them, their needs, their wants and everything happens on their terms. Anger, rage, silent treatments and disappearing acts are common - when they don't get their way. Pathological lying. Narcissists are professional liars. It's their second nature. If you call them out, they'll have no issue staring deeply into your eyes as they tell another lie! You'll hardly ever get the truth. Even with unchallengeable proof of the truth, they'll hold on to the lie. It's actually quite fascinating to see them in action - once you know what you’re dealing with. They also have the uncanny ability to provoke doubt in their victims (even when you KNOW the truth), because their lies are so convincing! Beware of people who do not seek conflict resolution. Many Narcissists enjoy drama/chaos! Remember, these are high-conflict personalities. Many of them NEED to argue and fight! Peace to a narcissist, is what chaos is to non-disordered people - unsettling. This is why they repeat behaviors that trigger a negative response. They need tension, anger and high/out of control emotions. They're known for calling people crazy, drama queens, insecure, etc., but never admit what they did to provoke those responses. And, when you attempt to discuss/resolve something, THEY said/did, they’ll gaslight, stonewall and/or flip it back on to you. They're extremely disrespectful, rude and lack self-awareness. They have an issue with being called out on their behavior and project/deflect to avoid accountability. “Normal” people want to get along, for the most part. So, they seek fair compromises when conflict arises. Narcissists want to “win” and conflict IS their niche. This is how many Narcissists get their way - they wear people down via conflict. Immaturity. It’s one thing to be playful and lighthearted (in appropriate settings), as an adult. It’s something completely different to be immature. Narcissists suffer from arrested development. They do not know how to respond to situations/people/stress/life appropriately. They have a child-like mindset. They truly believe everything is about them and have no concept of the needs of others. By nature, children are takers. They have no concept of reciprocation. They believe their Parents (and everyone else), exists to meet their needs. When their needs aren’t met, or they don’t get what they want, they become mean and throw tantrums. Narcissists cannot think outside of themselves and their wants/needs - like children. They’re completely unaware that people are individuals with their own agency, needs, wants, opinions... They truly believe people exist to serve them. They believe their job is to receive. They’re children trapped in adult bodies, who cannot consider anything/anyone other than themselves! Above everything I've stated, trust your intuition! Narcissists give off an uneasy vibe. They try very hard to appear cool, calm and collected - on the surface. But, you can feel their energy. It's very off-putting. They also tend to have more noticeable negative qualities, than most people. But, you have to stop justifying and making excuses, in order to see things clearly. Accept people for who they are and not who you want them to be. Observe, listen and trust yourself. No one should be allowed to grant themselves a position in your life. Vet people and YOU decide if they'll be a liability, or an asset, to you. Lastly, take cues from your body. If you ever feel your mood changing, feel anxious or feel your stomach knot up, in the company of someone, don't dismiss it! It could be a sign that you're in bad company!!! Additionally I hired a private detective Metaspyhub@gmail. com. Once I knew what the narc was up to, it got easier to get over that lying, cheating, sack of doo doo, loser. I didn’t need closure from the narc, I paid for it. Best money I EVER spent!
Wow, heck of a write up. Great advice
You are spot on! Everything you said is true. Run don't walk if you are dealing with this. It never changes.
So accurate my narcissistic text told me he was in love 3 days after we just started dating LMAOO I ignored the red flag because we was friends for yearsss before dating and he always had a crush on me but nah it was love bombing
This community is real. We need to get the word out to high school students.
I’ve learned so much & at 72 recently
ended a 24 yr marriage to a narc/addict I could have saved myself yrs of relapse recovery for him
However what I learned in therapy over the yrs & now videos is priceless.
He was toxic , I discarded him there is no cure & I am as free as a bird.
Healing is my right.
Social media & others are his new supply. Toodalooo. Sucker.
Wow, this is a spot on description of my ex-husband. When we would argue, I would list multiple possible solutions to resolve the disagreement. He would not like any of them. I would then say to him, "You don't like any of my solutions, so what is YOUR solution?" He would then give me a blank stare. I found this to be so unsettling since he apparently really liked conflict, had no need to resolve relationship issues with me, and did not care if I was happy or fulfilled in our marriage.
When I held a close friend's hand as they passed away from cancer, he avoided me afterwards when I arrived back home, refused to ask me about my loss, and then planned a weekend getaway with our young children and pointedly said I was not invited to go along. My grief was apparently inconvenient for him. That was a defining moment for me, that our relationship would not last much longer.
Narcissists love leaving you hanging, especially when it comes to a dating relationship. And this means that sometimes they will literally force you to beg for their “love” and attention after extensive periods of time go by in which they basically ignore you. It helps them to feel worshiped and adored by making you fall on your knees and lavish them will love, while draining and exhausting you of your energy after spending days, weeks or maybe even months of trying to get in touch with the narcissist and reminding them of your commitment to them. What do you get in return? Love bombing for a little while, but then nothing at all for yet again a long period of time. And the mad cycle just goes on and on. It helps them to also stay in control of the relationship in a very covert yet detrimental way.
Spot on.
Damn, that's so spot on, I've just read exactly what happened with me. I have no idea how I've survived this.
May we all heal 🙏
Friendships, too. ✂️👋🏾✌️
Also begging someone for attention and conversation makes the other person look like a control freak and devalues your dignity as a person in some ways, even when they don't have this issue of control. The inconsistency always brings up issues and fears of being abandoned.
I lived this too! I’m so glad to be healing.
No one should ever doubt Dr. Ramani’s expertise. You always nail it. You describe my experiences better than I can myself. I was so guilty of this. Thought out, insightful, and empathetic emails that just resulted in me feeling more hopeless, angry, and heartbroken. This video was a reminder of the constant gaslighting and neglect that I lived w daily. Narcs are so predictable, I finally understand that.
Long emails where I have poured my heart out that are ignored and never acknowledged. Never any resolution to any issues.
No point as everything was always my fault.
Insults are a good way to discern toxic people. They are addicted to feeling superior to others, what better way to achieve that than to insult someone? Contempt is behind even those little digs, the ones they say are “just” jokes. We must always be on the lookout for these signs because narcissism is a compensatory drive. Once you grasp that, you make sense of nonsense. Can you tell I loved this video? Thank you Dr. Ramani one of these days I’m giving you the biggest hug. Get ready! 😉✨
Love this comment. Yes, we suddenly start making sense of nonsense. I saw one of Dr. Ramani’s videos long back and suddenly I understood what all was happening around me. Everything started making sense and I could also predict what’s going to happen next with my narc mother-in-law around me and/or my husband 😂
Thank you Dr. Ramani❤️
Yes, the "I'm only joking" cover to hide digs like "ah, I can get another guy for tomorrow if you don't wanna meet me...only joking". Ugh, that's when my gut kicked in. Who jokes like that when dating someone
Around 2010, I wrote my mother long, articulate, honest and calm emails pleading and explaining myself. Long story short, about 5 years later of keeping in contact my memory, concentration and health were declining. Been no contact for 3 years and found its the only way!
And to add, this was the advice from therapists was to improve my communication. 😬
May I ask, out of curiosity. Did your mother ever respond to your long, articulate and honest emails or did she ever address any of your concerns presented in them?
@@mayk89 When I told her she hurt my 3 nieces feelings, (who were 10 and under) and that's why my brother (who has MS and stress makes it worse) didnt want them to come and visit her a month later she had a tantrum. She literally said boo hoo I hurt their feelings! Im soo bad! She continued to insult me with the usual gamut of the we are selfish, spoiled, ungrateful, brainwashed (adult) children and grandchildren. She told me not to come visit (my first time bringing our newborn to my hometown), her and my dad didnt come to my sons baptism (i think because she told me my dad could baptize him but we joined a new church that year) and then soon after was her birthday and she blocked us on facebook from wishing her a happy birthday on their and I told her it hurt my sisters feelings (who was a recovering addict and stress makes it worse which she knows all this) gave the silent treatment then christmas soon came so of course we didnt go visit them. I was also finishing a degree, working and my dog was dying of cancer. She blew up again how hard it was no one came. She continued into Jan and feb with strange emails where she would ramble and say *hiccup like she was drunk. She doesnt drink much. Plus the subtle jabs and posts she made about us on facebook. We ended up smoothing it over yet again when my sister relapsed again and disappeared. Ever since then my relatives didnt look or talk to me the same. Thats when in hindsight I realized ive been smeared by her for many years, even when we were in contact. There has been so much but I ended up with chronic pain, autoimmune issues and eventually diagnosed with CPTSD. The things she has said and done took its toll. Its a never ending repeating pattern and she was starting to act like that towards my kids, like she resents them! When I went no contact a few years ago she sent my kids Christmas gifts and when they opened them one was a hat with pot leaves on it. She knows what pot is they use medical stuff. This is a tactic to cause me to lash out so she can act victim. So anyway, lots of oversharing here but if it helps anyone so be it. Narcissists dont change!
God bless you and help you 🙏
This is the only way to do it
@@angelinamorgan9536 scam
I've experienced all of these. It's truly CRAZY how narcissistic people act!
I think the combination of dementia and narcissism is one of the hardest and most dangerous to come across with regards to gaslighting (especially for the adult children who have never really realised that the parent is narcissistic, and then also have to deal with dementia for the first time). It's so hard to balance that, if you haven't got the "emotional kung-fu" of Dr. Ramani!
True, thanks❤️✨️
OMG, I’m living this atm. 😢
Me three!!! 🥰❤️✨
Thank you for sharing this especially at this time. My mom passed away last year and I'm still reeling and finding out more hurtful things... Something she wrote in a notebook I just saw yesterday that just threw my progress in recovering from this right down the toilet for me....
Me Four
My ex husband insulted me constantly and I felt "less than" about my cooking, intelligence, appearance, weight, you name it.
My partner now is warm and caring and funny! AND he makes a practice of saying the absolute cheesiest pickup lines to me (despite us living together for the past four years.) Imagine waking up in the morning and hearing, "Ooh can I tie your shoes? I don't want you falling for anyone else" or cooking dinner and hearing, "You got fries to go with that shake?"
It's a small thing, but I smile all the time now, and we laugh.
Escaping my narc was the best thing I ever did. A long road, but one worth traveling.
Wow! Thanks for relating your experience.
You give me hope. Because for the moment it seems incredible to me that I'll ever find someone nice or fall in love as I had with my ex (despite him proving to be unworthy of that). Just like Neil Young, I am always searching for a heart of gold.
Ohhhh my god😭😭 thank you for writing this this gives me so much hope😭😭💚💚💚
It’s the small things that make the biggest difference. Thank you for sharing. 😁
I'm so happy for you. ☺️
Thank you very much for this comment! Sometimes, we need to listen to the people that have been with a narcissist and is now on he other side of it and found true love so we, the ones who are still struggling, are able to dream and have hope of better days! ❤
Oh how I love you Dr. Ramani. Like a fine wine, you just get better and better. Please know that I’m committed to paying this forward, you have done so much for me not to mention this planet. What a legacy you are building. With gratitude ✨✨✨❤❤❤
Amen to that !
this is a relief. there was no such thing as text messaging when my sister gaslighted me, and i never thought soon enough to record proof and show it to my narc ex. it's a huge relief to know that showing them the truth would not have helped--nothing can! the only solution is to get out as quickly and as safely as you can.
Well... I know a narcissistic woman who wanted to break up contact with one of her family members because they didn't agree with her about something. When her ex-partner heard about that and repeated to her that she was rude then... the narcissist sent a message "When I was rude? Because I have to defend myself". Eventually she wrote that she doesn't care about that family member. There weren't any logic sentences in what she wrote.
I am not tech savey, I don't E- mails , Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. WHAT A MESS.
@@great-garden-watch indeed, I saw those messages and I said that it looked like a conversation with a robot in a chat box on some online shop website...
I feel sick watching this because I know I’m in trouble
The long email or letter resonates with me. I've done it so many times in relationships (even with my own mother) thinking that if they knew my heart, they would understand, have empathy, and stop the abuse. Most of the time, my words are ignored. That's so difficult when you want more than a surface level relationship and pour out your heart...only to discover that you were simply supply and they couldn't care less. Great video. I wish I knew about narcissistic behavior decades ago. It really could have helped me to not only check my own bad behavior, but to possibly avoid so much heartache.
I hear you, you are not alone.
This entire video describes my life. I have moved very far away. I wrote communications ignored. Hugs to all of you trying to heal. Hugs to fellow caring humans!
Hugs back to you. Thank you .
Peace be with you
Similar sentiment for the video(s) and writing.
I stay where I am and keep myself VERY busy, usually lost in thought, appreciating what can be done mostly by myself. Thanks for, in a way, reminding me to hug myself.
A Hope: May we increase neuron density for healing ourselves throughout our lifetime.
Hugs back from Scotland 🏴 I hope you can now heal ❤
❤️
Hugs received and returned to you friend 🤗!
My favorite is the ambiguous dialogue so even if you keep texts, record what they say or have witnesses "oh, thats not what I meant, I was saying blah blah blah" and trust me, they're pro rationalizers, which I countered by being extra thoughtful in what I say, and asking for clarification on everything they say to eliminate all possible ambiguity. A non-narcissist will try to be more clear moving forward when they realize you REALLY want to understand them. A narcissist will just get angry and push you away
Well said
100%! All I wanted was more communication and then they freaked out, got angry, used expletives, and pushed me away.. Now I'm just wondering when they'll decide to circle back OR if they'll find a new victim.
Plus sometimes they lie outright even when you show them the proof.
@@transitionsnc 100% I've had definitive proof more than once and they will fully deny it. It is always shocking to me that a person can be that way, completely void of any morality.
Plausible deniability is the name of that narc game - and they are all EXPERTS
Oh that is priceless, Dr. Ramani! "Insults are the love language of the narcissist." Thank you!
That statement is the purest truth!
My sister's email reply to my long email: "Thank you for your input." It sent chills down my back. I knew the storm was brewing.
Wow
Oh my! The "long email" scenario really made me laugh!! Absolutely spot on!! Thanks for all your insights and thought provoking concepts. 🙏❣🌻
Its been 10 years since i divorced my nasty narc husband, i didnt do the long email, however i did do the diary defending my reality to myself, because i couldnt talk to anyone because i had no one after he started fights between me and my family and friends and had me take his side and write them all off, you wont remember what people said but you will never forget how they made you feel! #lotsofregrets
Dr. Ramani your videos continue to enlighten and validate my ongoing experiences with the narcissistic people in my life. Thank you ever so much for making me feel seen and understood. I am not alone here. 🖤
Ditto 😊
Wish I’d heard you the 2 nd year of my 12 year marriage. My letters were endless, many and many pages! This needs to be taught in 8 th grade. Narc parents would protest though.
Everything you say here is spot on....I wasted so much time trying every which way trying to find the way he would relate to, understand, I just knew I could...never happened in 6 yrs, never... when I left 6 wks ago he offered to go to couples counseling...I said I'm not interested in investing another moment in this & went No Contact...thank you so much Dr Ramani for showing me the way...I've never gone No Contact, felt so mean, instead it's the ONLY way to make this nightmare end..I LOVE YOU DR RAMANI!❤️
Keeping a journal of all the different gaslighting, blame shifting, & baiting events helped me realize just how bad my narc really was. How much I put up with, excused, found ways to appease & how abusive the relationship really was. It helped so much in ending the relationship, being able to move on, & not blame myself.
Thank you so much for all you Dr. Ramani.
They deny reality, not just "your" reality. That's important! Because "your reality" could be interpreted as something subjective which it is not. It's objective reality.
The “I love watching you cook, you’re so graceful and feminine” turned to “Watching you cook is like watching paint dry”
Dang 😣
I just got out of a relationship with someone like this. I experienced a form of this where my narc was big on documentation but, it's only a tool that SHE could use but not me. When i offered documented proof of something she said/did, she didn't want to look at it and avoided it at all costs. However, when the time came to prove her point, she was more than willing to use documented proof to prove me wrong. The only time she offered up documented proof was when she knew it would be too difficult to produce or knew that i wouldn't want to go through the trouble. The double standards followed by gaslighting were incredibly obvious.
More on the subject of double standards. She demanded that i love her unconditionally after dating only a short period of time (couple months). However, when i did something wrong (in her eyes), i had to earn her love and trust back. My trust and my love should be given, hers is earned. One red flag i should have paid more attention to was that the relationship started with ultimatums. She gave me ultimatums immediately to establish compliance. There was no considerations for what i needed or wanted and whether i was comfortable with the conditions that she put in place. Luckily i'm out of that relationship and it lasted only a short time because i now know how to recognize toxicity.
Word of advise entering into a relationship. Look at their history, despite what they say about their former partner, pay attention to what failed between them. There's probably a pattern. I remember my ex telling me about a scathing letter sent to him by his former girlfriend. The girlfriend prior to that cheated on him, and I can see why. So, learn from their past and go into it with both eyes wide open.
Good advice Vashti. Particularly look for them putting all the 'blame' for their previous relationships on to their former Partners. If they never say anything like they messed up as well then it is a big red flag!
Very good advice. Also good to pay close attention to what they say about their former partners or friends. If it's full of vitriol and poison, then one day you're going to be the subject of that (if you're not already). Mine talks about her ex like he's a piece of dirt on her shoe, calls him the c-word and says he's useless. I don't know if she thinks that's going to make me happy, but it really doesn't. It just shines a light on how she treats people. And on top of all this, I know that she's probably still sleeping with him anyway.
@@amac2573 exactly. I was such a good target back then.
@@tjfSIM I sometimes think I'd like to run in to the "ex" someday to compare notes, but it's all water under the bridge now. It's made me who I am today (wiser) yet I'm still trying to get through the fact that I gave him so many years of my energy.
They aren't always honest about their prior relationships, though. Narcissistic guys in particular do not take any accountability and ditch all the blame on the exes., sometimes dumping all over their mothers as the origin of their lifelong problems with women. It's tough or impossible to discern who's at fault for what because we often only hear one side of the story. Males' egos prevent them from admitting to their failings regarding personal relationships.
I think "the really long email"...when done as a truly "good faith effort" to resolve the problem....is sometimes a "necessary" step, because, until we have done so...in a way that we can truly say, "I've tried my absolute best here"...we may never actually be truly "convinced" that we aren't an equal part of the problem. I know I had been so conditioned to question my own reality over a lifetime, that it took multiple "really long emails" before I was able to finally accept that what "appeared" to be toxic relational patterns, actually WERE a toxic relational patterns...and that the toxic person's motivation was NOT mutuality, or healthy relating, or peace....but rather. was perpetuation of the chaos that has always worked for them.
I can also say that having those "really long emails...in writing... to refer back to, to "prove to myself" that the effort was as "real" as I intended...was also very helpful for me in reaching the necessary acceptance of "what is".
I’m summation, take your time getting to know someone. If they threaten to break up with you for taking your time, let that person go. Once you’re involved, it’s very difficult to get that person out of your life once they’ve got their tentacles in. Also, watch Dr. Ramini’s vids!
The ex narc would get on my phone and delete messages between us. She would say something like "there's no need to keep things from the past we're in the present" or add on to that saying "It's better to delete them than to go back through them and get angry or upset all over again". However the true intent was to remove evidence of her behavior and gaslighting but disguising it in a way that she could blame me for keeping the text messages. The "never their fault" thing, "always because of someone else" excuse.
I was finally able to go no contact with my sister after decades of manipulation and abuse. I had gone "gray rock" and she came after me so aggressively there was really no other option but to leave completely or stay in the insanity. It was really hard for the first few months, but 6 months later I realize how much better my life is and how much better I feel. It's sad that I've had to "break up" with my family, but after 62 years, it's clear that our problems went so deep there was not enough time left in my life to keep hoping it will change. I couldn't have done this without your help Dr. Ramani. Thank you for all you give to us through this platform. It's a gift.
Все думали, что решить войну легко, но мы воюем не только с Украиной, мы воюем с Европой, а с ними и с Западом, и свинское образование (Израиль) вмешалось в них. Цена России.
─ 🇷🇺 فلاديمير بوتين - Владимир Путин
I have Autism/Asperger's and ADHD which I didn't know during dating my Wife. I just knew I was different from everybody else. There were probably more red flags that I didn't notice. For the first red flag that my Mom noticed which I wasn't told about, my girlfriend would insult me. If others noticed, she would say that she was just joking. I was totally oblivious. I didn't have any social skills because of the Autism/Asperger's. Every once in a while, someone tells me about some time where my Wife was mean to me. Now, I see a lot of it for myself because I see the trends of her personality which took a long time to understand.
Fellow person with autism here- I also didn't pick up on specific insults or ways that i was treated because of how i am. I got out, and i hope you did too, i wish you healing.
@@maeriaemarie7119
Thank you. Right now, I'm in a weird situation. My Wife and I are still married; however, we live separately. My Wife is living at her Mom's house, and I'm living at our house. I'm basically alone in this area where I live. I have cats that I love and that's it. I've been trying to find a way out. I hope I'll find a way out.
@@QQuandary Do what you can to organise or find people that can support you if possible, even if it's a local support group. I really hope you can keep your cats, unfortunately i had to leave both of mine behind (i moved back home to my original country where i have family when i left) and i miss them like they were/are my children. Best of luck, you'll get there.
@@maeriaemarie7119
I'm sorry about your cats. As for my cats, I'm so afraid they will be euthanize. My Wife will blame me for that too. I don't want to go into every single detail. It's just I'm stuck. I have been searching for support. My Mom is against divorce because of her faith. My therapist thinks that the problem of our marriage is just communication issue.
@@QQuandary , cats seem to persist in spirit, maybe have the legendary nine lives, some of them on “the other side”. If she figures something would be very upsetting to you she might threaten it. If it would make her look bad, say to her family, any children, or a judge or therapist she may be less likely to carry out such stunts. Good if you can get away from her and any flying monkeys she’s got. Hoping for the best for you.
Wow this truly hits home. Anytime I tried to express myself and how I felt in any kind of disagreeable way it turned into a WW3 and so I’d text it to get my feelings out and it would all get turned around and I’d be the one feeling even more awful, sometimes broken down feeling like how can someone be that cruel
Same here, exactly the same. Four years with my husband and I just understood yesterday he is a narcissist. So much pain, doubts, efforts to improve the relashionship and I now understand that he never wanted to improve his behavior. Just enjoyed to make me cry while saying I was manipulative to do so. Just wanted to make me feel awful for not speaking perfectly his native language although we were always communicating in what was a foreign language for me. I am the only one who make some money and I helped him as much as I could with that. He always made excuses for not working. I’m really angry as I see our history with new eyes but for now I need that anger to move on and protect me, as I live in a foreign country and am totally alone, no friends, no family.
Fake love. Real contempt.
Hi Dr Ramani, I call the red flags. "MY GUT FEELING." My gut feeling always was 100% correct. I was Gaslighted sooo many times, I thought I was losing my mind! We once ran into an old friend of mine, and he even shook her hand. Her name came up approx a week later, and he said that I MUST HAVE HAD A DREAM. I NEVER MET HER!! I tried twice to convince him, and he told me to see a Doctor and get healthy again. I gave up! I got the picture. This happened more than 5 or 6 times. They are absolutely CRUEL!
MONSTERS! My ex narc once screamed I WANT MY DADDY during a heavy argument! That was definitely the end. That did scare me. I don't know WHY he screamed out for his Father? I left him about a week after that. He was in SHOCK & DISBELIEF! God bless the supply he's with now. Oh, I forgot to mention, he told me "I HATE YOUR NAME," and I have a "small"mole on my inner thigh. He said, WHAT IS THAT? UGH, IT'S UGLY." It is sooo small, but he needed to insult me. That was his way of having fun. Great topic Dr Ramani...⚘️
Suggests that maybe daddy was a secure attachment that he might have lost somehow, or that daddy turned out not to be so secure. It’s interesting and there are other possible ways to understand where that came from. Another is that his daddy always came in to support bad behavior like his turning everything into an argument. You know your details better, likely too many to share in a comment, so with Dr. Ramani helping out maybe you can figure it out more. We’re grateful for her knowledge, insights and wisdom on this.
Everything you say can and will be used against you….
48 hours after a first date with a guy, he got drunk and made an insulting comment to me over text & refused to respond. The following morning I woke up to 2 texts of him apologizing profusely. Except the problem was that he tried to lie (and gaslight me) into believing I had misunderstood his comment. Lie upon lie to protect himself. I called him out. I never would accept his apology because he never wanted to admit he got drunk & devalued me. Then yesterday he tried to sweep me off my feet (love bomb) by inviting me on a two day trip this same week. We literally went on ONE date! I declined the offer & he never responded. I blocked him 🙌
My narcissistic husband would never read a letter that I might write to him. He won’t even look at the checkbook that I keep right on our dining room table but he will question me quite often about where all the money went. So of course when I tell him to look in the checkbook he will say I can’t read that chicken scratch! Definitely cannot talk to him about anything important !
I clicked hoping that I didn't do these things, my mother has called me a narcissist before so I was scared that I actually was, turns out my mother is highly likely to be a narcissist. I thought she was but I questioned it because of bias.
Something sort of like this is happening to me now, but with a different flavor. I'm a daughter of two narcissistic parents (dad grandiose, mom vulnerable) and went no contact last year. I'm in therapy for 8 years now, and I'm slowly, but surely getting better. 2 years ago I met my current partner, and we have a generally really loving relationship, living together for a little more then a year. His parents live on the other side of the country (thank God) so we don't see each other more than two times a year. Since the contact is limited, it took me a while to realize what I was dealing with.
Int he begining of our relationship, we started having some problems about some of my partner's behavior, and I noticed that this really escalated when his family was around (not relevant to the case, but despite not being narcissistic, this I'm sure now, he has some learned behaviors from his family that weren't the best thingThe difference is he recognizes, apologize and is never defensive or denies those things. He is working on himself and things got incredibly different since he started his therapy, 10 months ago).
Anyway, we started couples therapy and things are starting to change in a more dramatic way. This year his family revealed themselves as being the controlling, immature, aggressive, unemphatic and entitled people they are. It was only the 3 time I met them, but they can never hold the mask for too long, can they? I saw some weird things in the beginning, but nothing similar to the things I witnessed this last time (just to give an example, the lady that work in their house, cleaning and cooking for them, had just lost her 15 years old daughter a few days before - my mother in law not only made her go to work every day, but screamed at her more than one time because she wasn't doing as good as a job. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and I couldn't believe that my partner wasn't saying anything, that people didn't understood the absurdity of this situation! Anyway... ) His family did some pretty nasty stuff this time we went there, but things escaleted when I had to set a boundary and they've started stonewalling me for that (they are pretending I don't exist since July). See, despite having money, they insist on staying with us, in our one bedroom apartment, every time they come here. I didn't like it at all, specially because I work from home, so people staying here actually disturb my professional routine, but I tried to handle it, with a few conditions... The main one was that they couldn't do what they did before me, just coming in to stay more than a week, without asking first. They would have to ask, and stay 5 days tops. My extremely narcissistic and controlling mother in law simply let us know that she'd buy the plane tickets and that they were coming to stay with us in July (letting us know this a couple of days before the trip), to which I told them no. I said that this wasnt the agreement and they would have to stay at a hotel. They're all giving me the silence treatment ever since, including the brothers (flying monkeys of their mom), pretending that I don't exist in those weekly phone calls. Anyway... Currently my partner is starting to unravel his childhood and to understand that he's also from a narcissistic family, watching videos and working hard on therapy, setting boundaries and discovering who the hell is he, if not a golden child's momma's boy.
I know that the mere fact that he's begining to understand the toxicity of his family is something really good, and also that being in couples therapy besides our individual one has changed our lives in the last 6 months, but this whole situation of being the scapegoat again, of yet another family (in whom I had previously and wrongly put some kind of hope of being finally loved) it's been really really triggering for me, and despite loving him so much, sometimes Im not sure if my mental or physical health can handle this. Could you do something about in laws, please Dr. Ramani? I don't really want much contact with them, and I'm feeling like the trash took itself out in this situation, but it's been really difficult dealing with all this hate (I "stole" her golden child), and I'm not sure what I can do to distance myqself emotionally of this terrible situation. Thanks again for everything. Love from Brasil
Sorry Carol you have had those kind of situations to deal with. I see similar attitudes and behaviours between your Partner's family and my own. Years ago some members of my own family use to invite themselves to stay and often what I would get would be a statement or declaration that they were going to be coming to my City, not actually being asked if it was ok to stay with me.
Please remember it is them and their insecurities, you and your Partner are doing the work to have healthier lives and relationships. Are they any of them doing the work or considering/respecting that it is your place and space as well as your Partner's? I suspect not. There is this issue in narcissistic systems and families of 'owning' people like they are objects and items rather than recognising them as other people with their own right to exist.
Best wishes to you and your Partner.
@@amac2573 thank you for your kind words. What happened in your case? They still do those things? The only work they are doing is spreading the news that I'm "destroying" the family and that I'm a bad influence to my partner, but my parents talk the same thing about what I did regarding my sister's (Im the oldest and they used to call me mom, cause our mom didn't do most things mother's usually do. So when I finally understood what was happening, I had to talk to them. Now we're all in therapy)... At the same time that this is a place I'm used to, so I'm not really confused, cause I know exactly what's going on, it's hurting me way more because of my own wounds. I'm hoping for the best, but I still don't know exactly what else to do.
Mother enmeshed men, look it up🙏🏼
Sorry Carol. I think it's wise (as you've mentioned) that you're thinking through whether it's something you have energy to live with - given that the reality is that we cannot change others (your partner's family), only ourselves. Also to think that if you ever had kids, those toxic people would be your children's toxic family members too (grandparents, aunts, uncles) etc. I pray you find clarity :)
What you describe sounds like something I experienced with my spouse and their family. You may want to find a local Al Anon group and attend meetings, along with therapy. Over time, the group may teach you how to uncover the mysteries behind the problems you experience, and how to detach from them.
Wow! Thank You for Your Illumination that explains and guides us all in our dealings with this perplexing and pervasive phenomena perpetrated in these times we are living. INVALUABLE! Doctor Ramani you are fulfilling your purpose so well it is truly amazing.
I have written that big, long letter several times over (I'm a slow learner lol), with no intention of sending it. I keep it to remind me that every time I think, "Oh, stop complaining; it's not THAT bad," that it IS that bad and that leaving was the best thing I ever did. When you learn that you're worthy, good things come. And you don't feel guilty for accepting them.
OMG…the long email. I wrote so many. I felt it was the only way to be heard. Spot on Doc.
How do I navigate explaining narc mother to my partner's parents- we will get married and there is a strong chance my mother will not attend the wedding. I have tried time and time again to keep a relationship with her through the years but I can't keep draining myself nor do I need/ want the chaos
I had a flashback a couple weeks ago to when I was 11, my mother used to "joke" about how I'm going to be an CAToligist ( because I was really good with most animals but especially cats....I really love them )
She would be laughing with her friends at me, and further saying, when I get my own house even my doorbell will meow. I'll have a houseful of nothing but cats.
On the surface I suppose the words aren't that bad, but the way she was saying it and her cackling friends, made it feel kinda bad, but I tried to laugh too.
Only when I was grown, did I realise she was being cruel.
I feel a little saner every time I see a video of yours (P.S. Nailed it!)
Cautionary tale: I did the curse-out and unleashed a barrage of written insults (all legit criticisms) on the narc because I didn’t care about the consequences. Sticking it to the narc was was somewhat satisfying despite the fact that he went screaming and crying to some shyster attorney to get a legal cease and desist threatening letter sent to me.
Somehow narcissistic people think that hearing the truth about their awful selves constitutes a crime. Lol. 🤣 As if!
Oh my precious lady!... I subscribed to your channel a few weeks ago having become interested in the topic of narcissism because of a friend I couldn't relate to. Watching and learning from you, great understanding was planted into my life just in time to be (finally) called to my 82 y/I mom. For the past 40 years, I've only been allowed to visit her a dozen times. ....too busy, traveling, ill, etc .... Until she's in bed with ailments and she needs me. I have been stunned to see how she acts now, yes, dementia is an issue, but the sheer meanness has had me recall very vividly I might add what I chose to forget. I took from my father's influence mostly, none of us having been perfect, but to a tee, my mother exhibits every symptom I've heard you discuss in the many vids I've viewed. I am getting such a complete picture to understand why I used to feel the need to people please, why I've second-guessed myself and the many things I've identified in my own world that here at the end of her life will be more easily managed. Not to say it's simple hearing the same line of demeaning and berating but now being able to identify what's happening (I never even knew the word gaslighting but it's REAL) and keeping my mental status balanced. Thank you so much, Doctor, for answering the call to help people. I, also, am benefiting and who knows, maybe mom has made it to her 80s to get a different response - not reaction - to her behavior and could possibly get a breakthrough ..... For such a time as this. God bless you.
OMG! I just realized something else. You said a relationship with a narcissist can be good for as much as 2 to 3 months or even longer before they show up as abusive. I have never been love-bombed. I have only had a few short relationships like this and could not understand why people changed so much. Now, I get it. Thanks again.
A narcissistic person isn’t likely to change. If they want to change because of you, you don’t have to make them change for you. The chances are 1/10,000 so don’t waste your time trying.
.. He told me he hated his mother. His ex was crazy....my email was long deep. Full of grace respectful... His answer was.... Your not enough you difamed me i didn't hit you or toss you to the floor... You stumbled and made a scene to try to frame. He acussed "how dare you send a letter to Jonathan ( the man he cheated on me with) you embarrassed me... Gay malignant narcissists are tremendously dangerous after i called him out as a narcissist. My pics of bruises and recordings og him yelling at me were a threat for his public image... So charming carismstic.... He filed a restrain order against me.. Painted me as unhinged crazy in human resources.... Then 2 months later he set me up to brake it....
We both were with narcissistic people. It creates a lot of distrust and toxic interpretation of dialog. We are working through it. I don't think he is used to not being micromanaged and baited into argument. I'm not used to a partner who let's me take a break without creating drama or guilt.
To be honest, I'm distant from him lately. It's so hard to bond with someone after the abuse of a narcissist. I want to work through it though.
That would be a great topic for Dr Ramani to cover! A relationship between 2 people that have just gotten out of a narcissistic relationship and how to move forward with your new partner.
Spoke too soon she does speak of it at 21:00
11:00 is such an important point. There is no "win" scenario when you're dating a narcissist. You aren't going to prove them wrong, you aren't going to get one up on them. The truth doesn't matter to them. The only winning move is not to play. Walk away knowing you are never going to get the resolution you crave from them; it will only come from within. Let it go and free yourself from them.
Your video's and knowledge has helped me so much. Thank you for your work. I've written the emails, and the letters. I did figure out eventually they were just for me; but I still write them for myself.
Dr. Ramani, you are the BEST! You bring calm, reason and common sense to those of us who are dealing with chaos. Thank you for being here. 💖
sending love and support to all ;) have a great day :) xx
I am so grateful that I found your channel. ❤️ You are such a motivating blessing!
Ooof the email thing is too real. Tried this with my sister recently and she turned everything I said to explain my healing process and sobriety into me “needing therapy,” being “a dry drunk,” and “why are you so angry.” I really thought she’d read it and understand and respond with compassion and OH MY was I wrong.
I feel you, my dear.
I wrote my ex an email exposing all the ways he was hurting me. He refused to read it not only at that time but also later on in the relationship when I would literally plead him to go through this long, articulate email. He never read it but, I assure you, that email saved MY life. I had exposed everything in such clarity, so when I came back to it, that email dispelled instantly all the gaslight mist and reminded me of who I was, what my principes were and what I wanted.
You are a blessing to all of us everyday. Thank you. ❤️
I started watching your videos early on while dating the suspect, lol and I must say I was able to get in and out briefly to what could have been a very bad life. I was able to catch this criminal in virtually every item you mentioned , omg I wouldn't have figured this on my own ,I would have gotten into and stayed in a victim mode. So thankyou for all of your more than enjoyable videos. I definetly feel liberated from the non sense.!!!!!!
Thanks for your excellent video.
I really thought I was more armed for identifying the narcissist. But once again I'm caught in a narcissist web. I did see signs. And I have come to realize that there are certain things about my personality that will allow me to ignore the signs. And boy they know how to be charming until till they know they have the upper hand. Once they learn what your fears or worries are, you're screwed.
It took me the better part of 47 years to understand that my mother is a narcissist. The gaslighting was one of things that affected me so deeply since I was a minor and living at home. I can definitely clearly remember examples that troubled me back in my pre-teens, but I'm sure it was going on before then. It just troubled me so much when she would act like she had done or said one thing but I knew she had not. And if I called her out on it, well, you know how that went. She would often tell other people, outside of the family, that I said something or said I would do something that I had never said. She would do it right in front of me and I would call her out on it and, well you know how that went. I didn't think that she could be doing it consciously so I was convinced that her mind had made up the event in her subconscious and so to her it really happened. God, even writing that now sounds insane. I convinced myself she was borderline schizophrenic to explain her personalty disorder. That's a realization I just had as I was typing that. Need to bring that up next time I see the therapist. haha.
The insult thing is something my mom was big at. I wasn't as effected as it like my sister was, so she was, and is, the biggest target. I understand now that there is a reason why she did target her. It got her off. It made my sister so overly sensitive and myself and my father never could understand why she could not take even the mildest good natured joke. It was a such a regular thing that at some point during a family event,, like during holidays for sure were the worst, she was going to take an innocent comment that was either a valid concern, minor criticism, or a playful ribbing and explode in a histrionic display like we were mercilessly attacking her and she would run off in a huff and be gone for 30 to an hour or more. Sometimes when she was calmed down and came back and we (me and my dad, specifically) would analogize my mom would very obviously give a disingenuous apology. If that triggered my sister my mom would then push back on her for how she responded and that would just get my sister outrageously upset again. Then she was usually not coming back again that day. That's the second realization I just had right now. I should fire my therapist and just comment on all your videos. This is so helpful.Thanks!
There is so much more I could write about, but I'll keep it short (sort of) for now. Have a great rest of the week. I'm going to call my sister and apologize for not understanding why she was always so overly sensitive.
I kept threatening to get a recorder. He’d say stuff like, oh you really think that’s gonna be proof?
the narcissist: "i aint reading all that"
"Whether in Syria or the South Caucasus, 🇹🇷 Ankara is getting ready to fill the gap as Moscow’s influence appears poised to decline"
-DIMITAR BECHEV _✍️_
(September 15th 2022)
Thanks Dr Ramani I look forward to watching ☀️ also sorry I won't be commenting for a while because taking time out to focus on more house renovations and my upcoming divorce! 😅 I'll always watch your videos when I get a chance in between. Thanks again for all your advice, help and wisdom. I forever appreciate your kind presence in this tumultuous world. Also your books are absolutely fantastic. I have them as a reminder and support to never go back to abusive people. Best wishes and hugs 🤗❤️☀️
If you can watch horror movies, I’d really like to hear your thoughts about the characters in the new film Barbarian. It’s in theaters and just got put on HBO. But the themes were very interesting and relevant to narcissism in society. Some of the viewer reactions really proved the point the movie tried to make. The themes were trauma, gaslighting, sexual assault, victim blaming, the concept of “no good deed goes unpunished.” It’s definitely scary and disturbing so if you can’t watch horror movies like that then I wouldn’t recommend.
No my narcissist took it a step further and kept blaming my cell phone company "I wasn't with a real cell phone company my service wasn't reliable" and so he wasn't always getting in or I wasn't always getting text messages and or phone calls. So I change cell phone companies you guess it same problem.
But yes I always have this urgency to always show him text messages and then towards the end wanting to record all of our conversations. Then he would say I want to record our conversations too. 🤨🤨😒😒 I know better and I put that in the category "if I have/need or the urge to look through your phone" I feel like you're up to something. I feel like this is the same thing that's not healthy I've never had to go through anybody's phone for any reason. If I feel that urge or need to show text messages or look through your phone we don't need to be together.
This reminds me of the movie "stepmom" with Julian Roberts.
Very interesting video Dr. Ramani. Thank you!
I recorded my partner during her meltdown after I kicked her out of my home for cheating and threats to my son.
She was in a rage, screaming and clawing the air in front of her like a demonic entity.
The second I pulled out my cell phone and began recording I was shocked to see her rage Immediately dissipate and the "mask" was back in place. Literally in the blink of an eye she went from being the most terrifying thing I've ever seen to the calm woman I had known. Angry but seemingly calm and controlled. She asked why I was recording and I replied I didn't want her lying about what was actually happening. She smiled and walked away.
She showed me she is capable of control when it suits her or is necessary for appearance but will release all their demons when nobody is watching. They do this not because they have no control but because they feel entitled to abuse people.
I personally think that on a spirit level this is “possession”. The early childhood traumas become deeply ingrained in the subconscious and have the effect of a behavioral parasite. I’ve seen this in my partner. It looks exactly like possession. The spirit level parasite hijacks the person in certain contexts, so that they appear to change behavior and demeanor, character and even personality in a split second. It’s FREAKY.
@@olivegoddess1 I’m an atheist but on the day when I told my Narc she was no longer welcome in my home I saw pure evil. 19 years in the military I never saw anybody that evil. Remembering what I saw brings me chills even now. My response at the time was “Whoa! Who are you?” And she was growling like a beast and clawing her fingers as she stared at me. 105lbs and she scared me more than I care to admit. I honestly thought she would kill me in that moment if she could have.
So true!
"They'll still deny (things said) even with the recording" Absolutely the case.. No amount of proof will suffice If you are trying to convince someone with this personality that they have done something wrong or harmed you in any way. It's just not possible
The thing is it shouldn’t even come to a point where you have to show texts and explain to them if they really care. I don’t think I’d be heading in any direction to a relationship if communication is off. I’ve been watching dr Ramani since pandemic and proud that I’ve practice being mindful when I meet people .
It starts slow and progresses over time. It's like the Frog in the Pot story.
If you put a frog in a hot pot they will jump out right away. But if you put them in a cold pot of water and slowly turn up the heat, they won't notice until it's too late and will burn.
Also, they lovebomb, which means they treat us well at first. Then they treat us bad and then good again in a cycle.
Dr Ramani you are the Queen 👸 and the King 🤴 🙌 in education for NPD toxic abuse healing. I had to watch this video twice to regroup my thoughts on the chaotic relationship with my ex and his ex wife who is triple Narcissist. In conclusion He was never over her. No matter how much I tried to make it work I ended up being caught in the worst chaos, triangulation drama with ex wife and his psychotic teen daughters as well. In my 50' now but this sets a good reference point for the future if I ever want to date again. Thank you.
I’ve been around of narcs. The first clue is that they make you feel that you can’t do anything right. Please save yourself pain and stress, run for your life.
My fear is a narcissist will watch these videos and learn how to manipulate around based on what they've learned.. some narcissists are very intelligent. But, regardless, it's far more important and valuable to have this information out there, thank you for teaching us.
They use the same tricks, though. They may step out of character for a while (like lovebombing), but they are who they are and will return to it.
Funny you should say that,I called a ex out and sent few videos, next I noticed theyve subscribe to this. Who knows why but dont care. I just dont want to attract anymore toxic behaviour. Didnt even know much about this,until ex did this behaviour to me
@@elisabethbowden8128 Just don't fall back into his trap.. not sure if he's a true narcissist or not, but if something doesn't feel right, like your happiness and soul feel drained then stay away and don't look back.
@@davidm4566 exactly! The mask is too heavy to wear all the time and eventually it slips!!
@@petergriffin383 how do you know if they are ? I've had the same games played, ghosting, gaslight blocking etc mths years then like nothing has happened
The term 'your reality' 'your truth' is one of the most toxic things I have ever heard it gives people ot of false sense of reality.
My ex would gaslight me just 10 minutes after he said something. Literally 10 min and he would deny he ever said “fill in blank” It was so crazy. I felt crazy because I KNEW without a doubt what he JUST SAID. 🤨
One of the most telling statements you have made is that you have to be able to be yourself in a relationship. This is the key factor. You get to share yourself with another healthy adult. If you are able to be yourself, there will be no red flags and you will feel safe and loved. I appreciate your videos.
Thank you so much Dr Ramani for your help and your insight! You give me the strength and the understanding I need in this healing journey! You are a light into this world. Love from Paris, France
Important point, if this CRAP is going on, LEAVE
Dr. Ramani, please do a video on Sauron’s narcissism in The Rings of Power! I would love to hear your thoughts on how they portrayed these behaviors in the show (not modern things like texting, obviously, but the gaslighting and manipulating and those things they do).
My ex gaslights my son. To the point that he rolls his eyes when he has an asthma attack as if he’s faking it. It’s a sick twisted game and my son has been educated to spot exactly what’s going on. He knows he’s responsible for his own health and having his inhaler on him at all times because his dad can’t be trusted. This is how far these characters take this stuff. I did threaten to have him taken to court to have a court order drawn up requiring him to have his epipen and inhaler at all times. He did start carrying everything at that point. Because he knew he’d be sunk or even lose custody if it came to that. That’s the day I realized he only responds to threats. Outside of life threatening situations I just gray rock the heck out of this toxic beast.
"The Kremlin’s strategy of combining coercion with bribing a significant part of the population has helped keep anti-war protests relatively small, as most Russians have obediently accepted the mobilisation."
-VOLODYMYR ISHCHENKO _✍️
"Insults are the love language." My dad flatout admits this is true, but calls it 'teasing'. He'd hide behind good natured teasing while being exceptionally cruel in telling people how awful they are and how bad they are at everything or how ugly they are. And if you tell him you don't like his teasing, he'll get offended and tell you you're no fun and that he only does that to people he likes so how dare you not enjoy it/appreciate how mean he's being to you.
My dad's 'teasing' was so awful when I was a child that I didn't realize I was being bullied in school by my 'friends'. I thought they were teasing me (and even if it hurt my feelings I was trained to grin and bear it because that was how you showed someone you liked them), and I'm sure they were confused why I wasn't getting the very clearly laid out message that they hated me and wanted me to go away. And on the flip side, I acted the same way with friends because I thought that's how you showed love; many just stopped talking to me and I never understood why until I was old enough to understand this form of teasing was just cruelty and I was not in fact overly sensitive like my dad said, no one liked it.
1. My dad doesn't text me, but I did start writing down everything he said and did before, during and after fights while it was happening and sending it to my significant other over discord. My memory of a situation can't be accused of being faulty or mistaken if I'm literally writing it while it's happening. This isn't to prove to him that he's lying to me, as I have long since understood that proving he's wrong will increase the abuse, it's to prove to *myself* that I'm sane, not misremembering things, not useless, aggressive, etc and he's the problem.
3. I have been thinking about setting up a hand motion for my phone to discretely start audio recording situations. Like if I shake my phone quickly it will start recording. It's a motion that looks weird but no one would think that's what I'm doing. An extension of 1 for me, for my own sanity and peace of mind, not for proving anything to my dad. Maybe proving to others later that he was abusing me when they try to force me to reconcile.
This happened to me with my ex-boyfriend’s ex wife. She was super psycho and tried to sabotage us always. She would make up lies about me, do smear campaigns amongst our mutual friends, try to get together with him when I went out of town, delay their divorce despite the fact that she was the one who cheated on him, pretend she was my friend only to say mean things about me, call our house and hang up when I answered etc…she was so toxic. Sadly it ruined my relationship cause he wouldn’t stand up to her, and I couldn’t take it anymore. He was also an alcoholic and he too made lots of excuses and delayed their divorce, so they were both super toxic and it was too much for me to bear. Super hard but grateful to be out of it. ❤
My final letter to my narc was never sent. I just did it for me. That was 2 years ago and I still find myself wanting to send it. Every time I think about sending it, I watch this video. Thank you helping me continue to heal.
I wrote my dad the long letter 30 years ago. He didn’t even read it. Threw it in the trash. Step mom read it and called me crying. He had her thinking I was just a jerk kid. At least the letter let her know she wasn’t alone in feeling things were off between them. I’m glad he didn’t read it. I will never throw my pearls before swine again. Ever.
Funnier still, though, is the abuse has resulted in a diagnosis of ADHD. The Wasband™️actually is telling people that he is the abuse victim. He tells these stories with glee.
I have the recordings for my own sanity. I would never play them for the narcissists in my life. They just exist for me and my resolve to remove them from my sphere.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for this confirmation. I honestly didn’t know about Narcissism but I knew the behaviors and naturally did things that protected my sanity from their chaos.
🇬🇧 UK.
"When a prime minister loses either the confidence of their cabinets or of their parliamentary majority, they are in political trouble"
-DAVID ALLEN GREEN _✍️_
What you said about pulling the phone out to record.
I remember I tried this once, mid argument, and they stopped their berating to ask "what are you doing?" And I said word for word how you put it, "so I can show you later how bad you're behaving." And they temporarily calmed down until I put the phone away.
Honestly, just shows they really do have control over their actions when they think others could see it or it be used as proof.
Yes, I remember the LONG, LONG emails.
Grateful to be divorced .
Be careful recording their Rage, it resulted in a physical assault. I filed for divorce.
he claimed his x wife was the narcissist - turns out he's the liar, lying narcissist and I was the new supply SMH he wanted me bcz I made him look good 😤😫
now I know first hand why his child goes hysterical and why the X wife gets that "dear-in-the-headlights" look on her face when he and I showed up on her doorstep to fetch the child. OMG what a sucker I have been.
Dr R- how do I NOT become another source of narc supply?!?
Once, very long ago, before I understood that I was in a relationship with a psychopath, we went for a bout of couples counseling. Afterwards, he would SCREAM at me the whole way home. I started recording these after-session sessions on the sly, for "proof". (Who I intended to present this proof to or for what purpose exactly, I no longer remember or care.) One time, he caught me, & demanded to know why I was recording him, which he first & foremost took immense offense to my 'highly criminal' action, since he didn't give me his permission to be recording anything. I must have responded with something like "for objective proof of his behavior", because his next claim of pure lunacy was that "Recordings aren't 'objective' until someone listens to them!" o.O
This was the same highly toxic lunatic that did his level best for several years to convince me how *straight* my hair is - when in fact my head is covered with banana-curls about the diameter of a finger. Not to mention the fingers-in-an-electric-socket frizz that happens with a mediocre amount of humidity in the air.
This was what came to mind for me, listening to the breakdown of the folly of trying to 'prove' *anything* to these deluded god-wanna-be's. I hope this experience may help someone scrolling through this comments section.
Fantastic work as always Dr. Ramani, thank you for all the work you do.
My emails were to put proof of my boss’ dysfunctional behaviors on the server at work. Using the emails she sent to show my therapist gave me a way to show her how my boss was; she even had me respond to some a certain way to see what my boss’ response would be. In that way, email was a tool I could use for protection and assistance
It can be good for documentation.
That sounds like my mom. "Can't you remember the good stuff?"
Yea , Ive been there-😢. Sad thing is , my therapist told me my ex husband is a narcissist and i still didn’t want to believe it because I wanted to hang on the good in him. And yet, I have been through all this. I had to keep evidence for him to even apologize or acknowledge his wrong doing 💔
Great video! I have gone through all of these. I do feel the need to say though (and full disclosure, IANAL) that sometimes audio recordings are admissible in court depending on your state or locality. My state is a one party consent with audio, and you can be that one party if you are in it. My compulsion to record everything that was going on with my narcissistic abuser and the narcissistic culture at my university has been key to winning super rare victories over the years. I would never recommend entangling with narcs in a legal fight if it can be avoided, the shenanigans I have had to deal with, alongside the retraumatization, has been off the charts, but I was pushed into the situation without any other real choice. I look back at all the evidence I collected over the years and I have a feeling of deep sadness that what should have been a wonderful time in my life was taken up by all of this pain, and a ton of my energy went towards just trying to feel safe and sane instead of anything else that could have brought me happiness. Never once have any of the people involved with tormenting me, narcs or flying monkeys, apologized or given me any kind of closure or satisfaction after having their behavior called out categorically. However, I have found a lot of allies, and telling my story has helped others get out of their situations and heal, so at least all of the documentation I did has done some good.
Yeah, dude!
I had a narcissistic friend who was blowing up at me about something small. I tried to be calm with her while she was flying off the handle. I took the night to think over what I wanted to say. I typed out a long text message to her, telling her how I felt. I was expecting her to take it in the narcissist's way, but part of me was hoping she'd hear me. She took it exactly how you said she would. I walked away from the friendship. I chose to go that route because I knew if she reacted the way I suspected she would I was done. I calmly told her I couldn't be friends anymore, and blocked her. That was 2 years ago. My life has been so quiet ever since.
Good for you. At least you tried.
Heres m😅ne.... 1. Everything you say is annoying or opposed.... 2. Asks why you said anything