Why YOU missed the RED FLAGS
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- Опубліковано 15 сер 2023
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I understand why people didn’t want me to date until I turned 18 because I ignored red flags. Problem is, I was physically and romantically pursued by grown men starting at around age 11, and was raised by Narc parents who withheld love if I didn’t do what they wanted. So I sought love outside of the home. I also wasn’t raised to trust my intuition - I was raised to do whatever anyone told me to do. I was a prime target.
I’m so sorry
Same here.
We were groomed to be taken advantage of. I've learned my lessons the hard way. Jumping into toxic relationships with narcs because I bought into the b.s. well it's changed me as a person I no longer trust anyone. My own family has done the most horrible things to me.
I’m so sorry to hear that lack of safety protection and healthy guidance from your parents. You deserved better.
Very well said. This is so similar to how I grew up.
I didn't miss the red flags-I saw them clearly. I just chose to ignore them.
In reading the other comments, I was thinking the same. If someone is smitten with another person, no amount of warnings or even awareness will save them. If they want that person, they'll ignore everything.
Glad you said what you said.
I unfortunately ignored them SOOOOOOO MANY TIMES.
I definitely thought its just something that comes with relationships.
Same bro same 😢
Yep I saw the nuclear flags too, but the love bombing was so good and I had such a broken relationship with my self I made internal excuses.
I saw a couple of red flags. Missed more. But thought it would all be ok. It wasn’t. Never let big things go and watch the small ones very close. Patterns will show up. Believe them.
"believe people when they tell you who they are". My abuser straight up said "I don't have to try to understand and listen to others, THEY should understand ME". I'm the only one who noticed the mask slip that time. Everyone else excused it as an involuntary mistake... I kept pointing these moments out and they kept ignoring them.
Yes, I met a very narcissistic man who became a serious relationship, and was introduced by people who I truly did respect and trust.
This man wore many masks. The relationship turned out to be a disaster for me - unfortunately. 💔
I agree with you 100% !
To me, THE question that will always remain unanswered ! And now that I flashback on everything, I see them all! But then?! As if I was blind, literally blind!
Me too I see them all now to late
If there's a silver lining it's you now know and your eyes are wide open. :)
That happens, I’ve experienced that too. Now we know:) ❤
Psychologists did not start deep examination of these personalities until the 1990s & it takes awhile for the information to be confirmed & shared with everyday public so don't beat yourself up for not knowing. Thanks to Dr Ramani & others on UA-cam we can now be aware.
@@aliceroberts1980it's because they're excellent at what they do. They gas light, they are master manipulators. We don't think that way and do that to people so when it happens to us we're like what the f*** is this? I mean it's like they even get away with it afterwards cuz we're left here feeling stupid for not seeing the red flags, we're not stupid we are empathetic and caring it's a part of their game. I'd rather be the one who fell for it then be the one to live in the mind of a narc. In my opinion that's the way I look at it. They give us an education that no one can take away, remember that. Always❤❤ ❤❤
One of my favorite sayings is when you’re wearing rose-colored glasses, red flags just look like flags.
Amen to that!
Believe it or not, I saw the most red flags with my sisters. They always acted jealous. Said cruel things where others complimented me. Instead of saying you have such nice skin, they would say, "its not fair you got the best skin".
In the end it was because I finally recognized those red flags that I have sorted out the toxic people in my life, and left them behind.
Sometimes it's not that we missed the red flags, we just thought the flagged problem was manageable. No one is perfect, everyone has red flags, and some red flags don't look all that red at first.
Some narcissists are wonderful to strangers, only revealing their true selves in the security of home to their nearest & dearest.
Real narc abuse is the most sneaky, pervasive, foul and demonic form of abuse that exists. It takes years, if ever, to recover from the confusion and self-blame. These videos have helped me notice and release a lot of personal shame for, as an intelligent woman, being stupid enough to get involved with a monster (family or otherwise). It’s so obvious when you meet someone and share parts of your story, but they have no idea what you’re talking about and give you the side-eye. They have no idea how fortunate they are to never know this type of trauma. Thank you for your videos, Mama Rama!
When I first found your channel a couple months ago I binge watched your videos and cried uncontrollably and hysterically. Today I watched your video and smiled throughout it all. I was thinking "that's right!" and "that's exactly what happened" and "yes, they were all just his dancing monkeys, not my friends". These videos are life saving and I feel warm inside. Both good and bad. Bad because what i went through and good because how far I've come
Congratulations on your healing journey. I wish you all the best. I completely understand. 😊
@@ricardajames5769 thank you so much!!
Yes!!! Empowering.
I saw red flags. Everytime I expressed my concern, I was told that I was either too picky, too judgemental, or too sensitive. Yes, there were red flags that I mistook for social anxiety. And there were people who I just didn't click with, not because I felt there was something off about them.
My first husband was a narcissist. And my second one as well but not as bad. Both changed on the honeymoon it was crazy! And I have learned that love bombing… Is a huge red flag!
Love-bombing is manipulation!
I had a close friend tell me to ‘give this guy a chance’ who asked me out cause ‘he seemed really nice’ even though I felt something was off. It turned out to be a horrible dating experience. I will listen to myself from now on. ❤
@@KAT-dg6elI don't understand people who says things like: 'You should give him a chance.' When the man is shady but he keeps trying. Is trying means we have to say yes?
🙄 No thanks he's all yours.
Why is it always close friends to give shitty guys a chance? What is up with them?
Friends, family, co workers and people we know ... don't have a relationship history on them Have they lived with them? . Never doubt patterns AKA The Track Record
Dating in the workplace is risky... Harassment cases and career loss. Some companies have policies against this.
Discern character, disposition and behaviors. When you choose someone who has NONE of the dealbreakers you'll have more peace and stability.
What you will experience over time with someone is what's internal. Romance chemistry and attraction does not create relationship success.
How Your Childhood Traumas Effects Your Love Choices - Jonathon Aslay and Sabrina Risling podcast
Pitfalls Of Modern Dating - Jonathon Aslay and Destiny podcast
Seek Good Character A Reminder To Us All - David Tian PhD The Masculine Psychology Project
Its Impossible To Have A Relationship With An Addict - Kenny Weiss podcast
The Science Of Getting Rich - Kenny Weiss podcast
Safe People by Henry Cloud
The Gift Of Fear by Gavin De Becker
8 Dates by John and Julie Gottman
If The Budda Dated by John and Julie Gottman
Getting The Love You Want by Harville Hendrix
Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters
The Hoffman Process by John and Julie Gottman
I gad a friend tell me that, why not, just go out with him? Uh, because he dropped so much info the night I met him that I knew he was a disaster. This guy told me he moved across the country to skip out on child support and two hours later suggested I could support him while he took care of things at my farm. Seriously.
@@KAT-dg6elsmart move on your part. Not taking no for an answer shows he doesn't respect boundaries. It only gets worse from there.
I just wish I could escape this living hell
I wish the same thing...as Dr. Ramani! Back in the sixties and seventies (of the last century.) I was raised with the most toxic coping strategies. I feel like I was raised to be a doormat because that was how women were taught to stay in their lane and comply with their roles in society. I always tried to meet other's expectations instead of accepting myself. I have broken away from these very destructive patterns but they still are the biggest problem I have with staying in my own happiness space. It SUCKS being manipulated!
We really were. Stay in the background, don't be smart, certainly don't show it if you're smarter than the boys, never ask a challenging question, don't think about a career because you won't need one, act like a lady, take any sexual harassment that comes your way because there's nothing to do about it anyway, authority figures know your body better than you, don't trust yourself, you're not worth anything without a man. I could go on. Horrid times. I'm still deconstructing the brainwashing. I'm 61.
I find that is even the way it is now in some circles. When I go to open mic nights, it amazes me how many women put up with sexism and it makes me feel like the odd one out because I choose to be myself and I don't put up with sexism. And, my mom always wonders why I don't have many close female friends. It's like people forgot about the girl power generation.
@@HaleyMary we do still go through a lot. It's more couched these days, disguised. And if we confront it, we can't take a joke. We're too sensitive. But it's hostility. Bottom line is men are raised to consider themselves the top of the pyramid of humanity, esp. white males. If we had a lot more solidarity as women, we'd be so much better off. And if we stopped putting up with male bullshit, our lives would be so much less stressful. But I do think women are catching on, slowly but surely. We're seeing what we've deserved all along & seeing what we can do to make our lives positive, instead of reactive.
I currently have 2 friends who are in fairly new relationships with men I believe are narcissists. One can see the red flags but thinks she’s responsible for the behaviour and is ‘the crazy one’ and the other is in denial about the red flags because her partner is lovebombing to the extreme.
I’m so sad I can’t help either of them, but I hope one day they’ll both get out. Your videos are fantastically educational for people who don’t understand narcissistic abuse, keep up the good work 💜
The problem is sometimes a relationship feels all too good for us, so we miss the red flags.
I was in a narcisistic relationship. My best friend is like you. He saw there was something off with my girlfriend。And most of my friends could see it too. Everyone warned me against her.
I was just too focused on making the relationship work, thinking if I could just work harder then our relationship would be good. I saw the Red flags but hoped my love and effort would change her. I was deluded.
Two things changed for me.
What changed ..... is that one day, I saw my female colleagues and female friends treat me with love and respect. Have more healthy relationships made me realise I was in an unhealthy one. One of my good friends said to watch her effort. He didn't come across as preachy or judgy, like my other friends did. Instead he gave me advice that I could use to judge this relationship for myself。
Overtime I realised I was giving and giving and she was taking and taking.
Keep on talking to your friends with love and respect. Be careful not to sound judgy or look down on them. Instead give them sound and rational advice. You'll get through to them !
You are a good friend
You`ll have to be there for your friends as soon as *IT* happens. IT = devaluation and discard. Be prepared!
Start sending them videos, and articles of their significant other's behaviors. Maybe the light bulb will illuminate for them ! Good luck !
And sometimes it doesn't feel "good," but it does feel "normal."
It's the devil we know.
I went through everything. Mine was a slow burn leading to an "earthquake". I saw things, tried addressing these concerns with them, and I was gaslit and manipulated. They made me feel crazy, like am I the problem? How could I not see it. All the signs were there and I felt dumb. Then it exploded and the facade was there.... And they did flying monkeys, turning everyone against me, isolated me, making me feel invalidated. Thankfully I had friends outside that friends group that did validate me and help me realize how poisonous these people were. It wasn't until I cut them out and looked back that my eyes were open. I didn't even know really what narcissism was. This channel was a big factor in my healing and awareness. Even if I had know all these things, probably would still be better off cutting them out.
There were so many red flags 🚩 but I was very young and naive
I Missed The Red Flags In My NARCISSISTIC Relationship I Fell For The Narcissits False Persona.
Within Weeks Of The Relationship He Began Abusing Manipulating Me. Disrespecting Me.I Overlooked This Because I Thought I Could Change This Person
My new attitude is no one really changes. They may get more or less intense at whatever, but not be different.
Ask yourself if you want to emotionally support the persons weaknesses.
I missed the red flags because of the following:
1. I did not know any better when it comes to manipulation tactics and therefore was not equipped against them.
2. I thought that as I have pure intentions, others will.
3. I believed words over actions because I wanted to believe them so badly and the hope of a future she was selling me. This caused me to put up with bad behavior for far too long in hopes things get better when they never did.
So as you can see, it all has to do with me. These were my flaws and mistakes. And I'll tell you how I fixed them.
1. I indulged in learning about psychology, manipulation tactics and personality disorders. Now I can smell them from a mile away, and people quickly find out they don't work with me.
2. I have come to learn that just because you do good, doesn't mean others will as well. So I learned to not have expectations and pull back whenever my efforts aren't reciprocated.
3. I now believe words over actions. I will not believe words if I don't see actions back them up.
This is why now I have healthy-minded people around me and am leading a healthy relationship for years. Whereas prior, I was a punching back for Cluster Bs. It's easy to make this all about the other person. We should be honest to ourselves and acknowledge that we played a role in our own misfortune. If it wasn't for OUR flaws, they wouldn't get the opportunity to wreck havoc in our lives. That doesn't mean we are responsible for THEIR actions. It means we should take control over own own flaws and actions. This brings back the power to US and puts US in control.
You have sooo much insight!
EVERYTHING seemed so right as I read it ! I just may write it all down. 🙂 We grow when we realize and then take responsibility and change, then we are not at fault for others ways. You sound so free. I know it is a daily decision but you seem so much in the right direction and have a tremendous attitude. You need to pair up with Dr. Ramani. 🙂
@@lorettag.2675 Thank you for your kind words. I spend much of my time indulging in reading and acquiring knowledge. It's good to know that my knowledge is helping others just as it helped me. My first love & relationship happened to be with someone who has BPD. That relationship, filled with emotional abuse and racism from her family, impacted me far more than I ever imagined. I've spent 2 years single before I started dating again and even then I was still ruminating extensively. That's how much damage Cluster Bs can do to you. Thankfully, I am in a much better place and got over it and even found a genuine person to spend my life with. It's time for us to take back control of our lives. And one way of doing it is acknowledging one's mistakes that allowed these people to enter our lives and wreak havoc. Once we admit our mistakes, we can work on them. And at that point, no Cluster B can enter our lives again. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
2. i was also very naive also. dont feel bad, your not alone. 3. words have 0 value in my world. very few show me anything other than me me me me, mine, self centered greed. if anything is ever done for me its never done out of the goodness of ones heart/kindness, its done out of debt, "you owe me".
Very true!
I introduced to my best friend to narcissist, but I had no clue that person was so bad and I realised later after she tried destroy me and then she tried destroy my friends life. So I felt big guilt for it. Because my best friend went out of that after many years with damaged health and relationship. She married my best friend partner, became pregnant and then divorced him to reach his money. And only because I introduced her in good faith. Each of us went out of it with big losses and damages. I think that behind these people is always just destruction and pain.🤷🏻♀️
I recommended a friend's brother for a job and he ended up stealing thousands of dollars from my boss. Different circumstance, but I hear you on the guilt.
there is a huge difference between doing something intentionally, and unintentionally, if this gives you any solace?
During the engagement, I was so uncomfortable and it was extremely difficult for me. I didn’t trust myself. I dismissed it because of cultural differences… it never got any better after we were married and he was a neglectful/covert narcissist. There were other red flags but I didn’t know about them at the time. They should teach about narcissism at school… 😰
i hear that statement a lot, They should teach about narcissism at school… 😰 i totally agree they should, but they wont. narcissism is so rampant in todays world it has been deemed normal, and is openly acceptable by todays masses. me me me mine, and what i can get from you seems to be the new foundation of society. all singular, all narcissistic traits.
Our gut instinct is always right, we better listen to it...
💯 🎯 👍!!
Well I hope not. People tend not to like me at first but like me when they get to know me.
@@M_SC well, in my case, whenever i didn't listen to it, i failed. But good for you !
I have no peace.
I live with my parents.
My mother is a covered narcissist and my father pledges allegiance to her admired image.
"You will regret when we're gone".
"It's your mother".
(I never shut up, always told the truth, always lift up the carpet covering the rubbish).
I don't trust no one. I thought I could speak to her and solve the problems together as a family. Of course not. She always blames shift, projects.
I'm so fed up I can't even get out of the house. I find it hard to swallow food. I'm too tired 😩
You must find a way to get out of that house if you are old enough. Seek help to do so.
Get out. Get out as soon as you can. Don't wait. Save up a nest egg secretly. Don't tell anyone what you're doing. Your life depends on this. Your health depends on this. Do everything you can to get out. Best of luck to you.
Even if you Don't want to go 100% no contact. Being out of the house makes a big difference. They don't have as much power over you.
Your situation sounds like what I went through years ago. I’m a survivor. Hang in there! 🙏 I didn’t have this information until my Mom had already pass away. So keep listening and get educated on how to navigate.
Over the last 50 years I was abused by my narcissistic adopted mother, last week she passed away, now finally I can start to recover from it. As for the narc red flags with the last relationship I was in; I didn't miss them, they were glaringly obvious within hours of getting into the relationship, they were huge red flags, but for some reason I ignored them...and as a consequence, I am still trying to recover...8 years after it ended.
It's probably taken so long because I was also trying to cope with the narc abuse from mother, and my eldest son (who was taken from me by the narc mother when he was 7, and trained, brainwashed by her).
Now that she is gone, I can finally recover from it, and learn who I am, get to know myself, restore the dignity I was stripped of, and try to make the most of the 15 to 20 years I have left (I'm 65 now)
May the Lord bless you and heal you and give you His peace.
Mind blown! I have had this book for decades, and I am currently married to a narcissist. I also was indoctrinated from childhood to always give and never expect anything in return. Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani - your message was right on point.
I picked up on all the red flags, but I wanted the relationship so much that I attributed it all to my much younger partner’s “callow youth” and convinced myself he would “learn” over time. Now, 20 years later, I see the error of my ways and, while trying to be kind and forgiving to myself, I do own what I did.
OMG. I did that too. Only she was a BFF. I made excuses for her bad/strange behavior for 35-40 years. Now after discovering these channels I am free of her and several other toxic persons. You will get better.
I did too saw them loud and clear but really fancied him and thought he has had a bad life,stupidly I thought I can teach him how to be a good honest person as his mother was more interested in her boyfriends, married him tried for years 36 to be exact then realized he was who he was and no amount of trying from me would ever work, i was replaced in less than 2 weeks, hard lesson to learn i cannot change anyone and pay attention to red flags and your gut.oh and i was also introduced by a workmate who said he was a great guy.
I’m heading and have slowly started to build something outside of my “”together for convenience”” toxic divorced marriage but still together. 32 yrs,8 yrs divorced and an adult 32yr old son, I’m stuck here. Can’t retire, but don’t have the finances to run and leave my girls (pets) and all i worked so hard for.
The young man I’ve met had so many good qualities that i need. Sounds like a blessing. But I’m so afraid to see red flags or continue. But i can’t cut it off. It’s giving me strength, encouragement, something to move forward to, self confidence, showing my my self worth. But still scared that after a year or so and we Can start life together, I’m deathly afraid of seeing a wake up call and I’m half way around the world. But regardless, i gotta run and run far.
I cannot thank you enough for sharing your time, knowledge, kindness, perspective and reassurance. I consistently talk about & reinforce to my “soon to be seeking relationships” teenagers about narcs, manipulating and toxic behaviors of others all the while also teaching them there’s lots of good people in the world. Lots of things in life make more sense since I’ve been listening to you!
You're right, Dr.Ramini. Knowledge of narcissists needs to be more prevalent. If I had even *imagined* such a vampire-like personality existed, I wouldn't have given my narc the time of day when I met her. Thank you so much for spreading the word!
I didn't know the vampires, parasites existed either.I wouldn't have cared about her and left her alone.I made a big mistake.I fell in love with her.Then she took alot of things abused me alot.🤕😔👎
I was grieving. I was fragil and sad and he made me feel loved and supported during the first phase. That's why i excused all his abuses at first. And when the abuses got worst, i wondered if he had some kind of mental health issues. The doubt came when he shaded me for thinking that. Because i tought, if i was able to show myself vulnerable sharing my grieving, why would he feel offended when i ask him if he has some kind of issue?...
The subtle bits of invalidation maybe reminiscent of old unhealthy patterns with an instinct that something feels off sum it up well. Feeling uncomfortable and/or drained after are things I am aware of and now validate within myself despite others pressure to be nice and give them a chance. Paying attention to how my body feels and being discerning for sure. If I don’t feel comfortable and like I can’t be myself I take a step back to assess. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
I missed the signs because I was so worried about watching out for a man like my father that I ended up with one that's like my mother (2 different types of narcissists). He seemed so wonderful and accepting of me and my disability for the first 3 months that I thought I had finally found someone who might love me since my parents made it clear they didn't and no one else in my then 35 yrs ever had. My head spun so hard when one night we went to bed and everything was fine and when I woke up he was completely different. My mind and body literally started choking me and I wasn't able to swallow solid food for a very long time. My mental went to hell for the next year and a half and all these years later I'm still on meds for it. Not happy to say we're still together, but I'm not in physical danger from him so that's an improvement
Omg! That’s exactly what happened to me! He was wonderful for about a year and I married him and I was shocked, there were some red flags 🚩 I realize now, but of course I didn’t understand them, I literally didn’t have a clue, but he was sooo different directly after the wedding….. it was gut wrenching. I really believed he was my Prince Charming! Ugh
I often tell my clients that we can become "blind" to "red flags" when we grow up in that type of family, and to honestly, look for the absence of "red flags"....such as "falling immediately in love" or "they feel like family" or "soul mate". Going slow....getting to know someone....then we can move beyond our "blindness" and see the person for their true selves is most helpful. I know you are speaking to Narcissism, but of real concern is sociopathy and of course, the other personality disorders in Cluster B are challenging as well.
Thank you for acknowledging the post. I have to laugh at being a "lucky winner" because I certainly didn't want the lessons it took to gain the knowledge I have. Hope it helps someone. @@Tel3gremme-DoctorRamani
I've found that since I've been taking it slow, that while narcissists approach and show interest in me in the past, they didn't stick around for long at all once they realized how slow I go. With narcissists it's like if you don't jump into a relationship with them right away, they think you're not interested and move on. It messes up your mind when that's the only kind of dating experience you have. A guy showing interest where I also am interested in him and the guy wanting to go on dates and taking it slow? I've never experienced that.
You're right. I went through all of these confusion you speak about and thank God! During covid, I had lots of time and watched lots of UA-cam to pass it and your video popped up, God! I'm not crazy afterall. At first, the inflow of information was terrifying. I almost went over the edge and was clinically depressed. The realisation that there was no happy ending to my fairytale was hard to take in. But I'm slowly but surely gaining myself back. I'm learning to thrive despite. When I look back, I'm just thankful to God for ppl like you. Dunno what my life would have become had I not come accross this knowledge. I was 34 at the time and had never even heard of the word narcissism. A very long road but all I can say is alhamdulillah! And thank you Dr. Ramani.
I think Covid downtime UA-cam surfing led a great many of us to discover Dr. R and her phenomenal teaching about narcissism. I had left my narcissistic spouse of 35 years in 2018 due to his infidelity. I had little understanding of narcissism, just knew he had “ego” issues, and could be an a**hole when things weren’t to his liking. Her content which I still watch daily, has helped me understand, accept, and thrive after leaving this man.
I'm happy you! Glad you found the answers you may have not even been looking for! Long road for sure!
I feel this! Just came across her videos last night sostill at the stage of feeling terrified with all this information,, and sad for realizing that there’s no happy ending to my story cause I know I deserve better 😢
It was Dr. Ramani who helped me realize that I was experiencing narcissistic abuse. I never knew what a narcissist was prior either.
after dating one off, and on for 8yrs, not knowing there was a actual name for her flavor of crazy. months after kicking her to the curb permanently i had utube randomly playing for background noise, and this guy comes on, and starts describing her actions in detail. turns out after educating myself thoroughly, she was what i refer to as a classic narc. classic in the sense she had every narc trait know to man. now that i know, can see one from a mile away.
While being in the relationship with the narcissistic ex, I excused his behaviour time and time again...and "forgot" as there was always a new conflict to attend and to "keep the peace". Now, 7 months after walking out the door on a 4 year relationship and going no contact, my memory is slowly coming back. The timeline of all these "independent" incidents now stands out as a long, and horrifying, neverending rollercoaster of his narcissistic verbal (and physical) abuse. Red flags become soooo visible as I get back to being "me" and regain my memory. It is both sad for me to see how I did not take actions in the moment, but also very healing to see that the mindfog is lifting and I can move on without keeping ruminating and beating my self up for not having seen unacceptable behaviours and done something about. The memory loss / mindfog is very real and I guess part of the self-gaslighting and survival mode I was in while in the narcissist.
I have felt so stupid and even in couples counseling it has not been identified, just empathy for the toxic behavior of my husband. No one sees it and growing up in a family with 2 parents who are narcissistic I deeply struggle to trust my feelings, Especially when I don’t see blatant red flags, it’s so covert and difficult to describe that I sound like the crazy one. This video really touches me deeply. Thank you so much 😢
I agree! This is not something you can easily explain
❤❤
Didn't know how a red flag felt in my body which was my issue dye to emotional neglect in childhood by narcissists, I have autism and adhd that weren't diagnosed until my 30s and I endured a lot of abuse in order to get to the the stage of autistic burnout where I couldn't even get words out or hold a conversation any more for that to even get diagnosed in the first place. I just would think "oh that's odd that this person has this kind of thought process and displays that behaviour" 😱 I had to learn the hard way. Now I act on the 'odd behaviour/thinking pattern' displayed in other people instead of doubting myself and saying I'm being mean when they are clearly taking advantage of me and disrespecting
You are so right Dr Ramani. Sometimes the red flags manifests itselves as gut feeling that something is not ok with this person. For my part, at first I found it kind of convenient even though I knew it wasn't right. I saw the narcissist treat some people horribly and closed my eye to it and kinda felt "special" not to be part of the "victims". Until I became a victim myself.
It’s funny you mentioned the therapist pointing out the narcissism. Mine hinted at it because of the gaslighting. I finally did research and 😳. Things fell into place. Coming from a narcissistic home life, I didn’t see it. I fell for the love bonding.
The feeling exhausted after the encounter even if I laughed is an insightful perspective 💭 Thank you
A new thing to consider, I like it. 🤔
I’ve learned so much from you Dr. Ramani in the last several months…. I’ve learned my mother is a malignant narcissist and now I’m learning my husband has had traits of a different kind of narcissism. I was so used to a high level of it in my mom that I didn’t really notice a lower level of it in him. After 32 years of marriage I’m thinking back to some of the things I’ve called him out on over the years and even when we were dating and am now going “aha”…. Not all were what I would call red flags but definitely bad character in some of them. I’ve used different words for some of the things than you have but I’ve learned most are one in the same. Thanks for all the validation I’ve received listening to you! I’ve worked hard over the years to undo some of the learned behaviors I have had that I learned from my mom and I’m sure there’s still more work to do. I am getting better at setting boundaries for my own health and shed the guilt/shame trip they want to put on me since it’s not my guilt/shame to own.
Thank you.
You saved my life Dr. Ramani. Plain and simple. Between your two books and watching all of your videos multiple times, I got my life back. And I, for the first time, can say I am happy and healthy. Thank you thank you
She’s WONDERFUL!! 🤗💙
I’m dealing with a coworker who is so obvious in recruiting and gossiping about me to people in our departments. And I am just going into two weeks into this job, I keep myself lowkey because I’ve dealt with narcissists since and I was hoping this time I would be more cautious. Yet, here I am.
The narcissist is trying to make me an outcast by calling everyone their names except mine. And as soon as I will enter the office , I would hear my heartbeat loud, telling me a familiar situation and feelings of danger with narcissists before.
How would you deal a hostile environment like this?
Oooo myself I would sit with you at break or find a reason to talk to you and just be a friend I can't stand a bully
The clarifying question with body language!
I get this from Dan O’Connor, professional communications coach extraordinaire. It has helped me in so many situations!
The clarifying question:
Take them aside.
Aim your forehead towards their face with your chin tucked.
Then ask, as if genuinely confused by their behavior (play dumb):
“Coworker, I’ve noticed a confusing pattern in your behavior lately. You tend to use our other coworkers’ names when you talk to or about them, but not mine. Have you forgotten my name is [- insert your name- ] or is this behavior a concerted effort to illustrate your disrespect for me or undermine my success here? I hope that if you had any issue with me, you’d feel comfortable coming directly to me to work it out before it becomes inter office drama or gossip in the future. From this point forward, can we agree to do that for each other to support the common goals of our company’s work? Phew! Thanks a bunch. I was feeling anxious about talking to you about this but I’m glad we could cooperate in making a more pleasant work environment. Thank you.”
Or just “Hey, I’ve noticed you tend to call other coworkers by name. Have you forgotten mine or is there a beef you have with me that I may be unaware of that we could clear up now?”
Invite someone you feel is trustworthy out to lunch. Do not bring up the subject. Work at building relationships. Remember this person dogged someone before you. It’s old business. Your coworkers know this. Don’t chose someone who is likely to be a flying monkey.
This is also happening to me. I think that NPD’s can sense us, like we can sense them. For me, the isolation began immediately. On my first day he invited me to lunch to phish for info on my personal life, tell grandiose lies about how rich and successful he is, and tell me who not to ‘“trust” at work. In his mind he is the popular kid and the office is his clique…😂. He is constantly trying to show his power to isolate me but I have already grey rocked him and anyone that I suspect is his flying monkey. 🤷🏾♀️
If you are similar to me, we will attract the NPD in any environment. I was raised and scapegoated by a viscous NPD. I think we just have to manage by not giving them any power. Show no emotion, don’t give any personal info about yourself, and be okay with putting your mental well-being above fitting in to whatever toxic environment they create. You are definitely not alone. ❤️
I was fully energized when I spent time with this person. And yes we are in a trauma bonded relationship. 3 yrs later. They saw your videos and think that they might be a person who is like that. But I see being raised by “mom” I am too. Even after years of therapy. I still go there. What a relationship!
we want to give the benefit of the doubt. like you rightly said, if it feels off, it is off.
16:50 ish “We are the only detection system that works for us.” Others' experience of the person is irrelevant. "You don't have to make it work with everybody." YES! Going no contact with my parents decades ago felt essential, but the one-sided & narcissistic relationships since then have been harder to detect and reject. Realizing lately that "it's not working for me" is reason enough to go has been a revelation!
Yes I was introduced by a long-term friendship to a man they had just met. Unfortunately, the "new" relationship didn't make it and it affected the friendship. I decided I would never allow this again. It seems to close to home.
Part three even more helpful. From (almost) no red flags to nightmare! Exactly what happened!
Back in the day we did not talk about red flags or whether someone was ‘into you’, we called it chemistry. If there is no chemistry, you didn’t want to be friends or keep dating the person. It doesn’t have to be glaring but you have to pay attention to how you feel around the person.
The shape-shifting you describe is something I noticed. She was a totally different person in front of others. She always said , " I'm trying to make a good impression". She was never consistent in her behaviors. It was infuriating.
I was introduced by a friend's older sister who I really looked up to. I wouldn't have been great at catching red flags regardless, but how he was introduced to me made me biased in his favor. I trusted her a lot more than I trusted myself, but at that time I was surrounded by narcissistic people and narcissistic people loved my ex, and that included the person who set us up.
We always see, that's an empathic condition, and most of the times we try to fix and help someone unconditionally. So, running is after the damage.
That feeling of being drained, like an energy vampire (may sound silly but true), you can feel them literally sucking/draining the life out of you…all too real. Last time I saw him prior to going no contact, it took a few days to feel like myself again after being around him. I will never forget that feeling. No thank you.
😫✌🏽🙌🏽
YESS!! I started taken Before and after photos when I would spend time with him and I Looked ran down EACH TIME 😣 that was a tell tell sign for me in addition to the other red flags I chose to ignore
I met him through a business associate. Dated for 2 years before I realized the red flags were real. He had presented himself to me by adapting to who I obviously was. His friends, however, expected him to be different. I finally caught him in a manipulation where he forgot I already knew the back story. That was the "beginning of" the end, as I didn't yet understand what was going on. I was finally taken out of it through a definitive answer to all the praying I was doing. I had a dream that explained our relationship, and the next day was interrupted in the middle of a busy work day by a voice that told me in no uncertain terms what he was doing, and then I had an instantaneous interpretation of that dream. Weird stuff to experience. 😶
I thank God constantly for saving me from that relationship and giving me the wonderful husband I now have had for almost 40 years now.
I beat myself up bad for all the red flags I ignored.
The older I got the less I was inclined to find excuses for people. If they are over 40 and still infantile or have behavioral issues, they are too far gone to change. I don’t care if they have bad childhood, ptsd, or mental illness, i am not responsible to love and care for them. I get the hell out as soon as I notice something.
I once introduced two narcissists to each other😆😆 at that time I was suspecting that one of them was toxic, but had no idea about another. Then I went no contact with both of them. I have no idea if they are still friends.
Hope they get married or go into business together and self destruct haha
i had no idea that such personality disorders existed before i met one. thanks to such channels that have been so educative, i can now smell them from miles away
You're the best Doc. I love hearing your insights and expertise.
Too green ,knew nothing,and Narcists 50 years ago were rare animals!!! In fact did not even realize there was such a behaviour nor did it have this name!!🇨🇦😡
The big problem is that I often don't feel comfortable, and it isn't because of anyone else - it's because of my horrific past. So I need to identify the source of the discomfort. Hard without the actual red flags
My narcissist came into my life when my friends introduced me to him 34 years ago. I had no clue! Since day one he lied to me. He “forgot”to let me know he was divorced. I married him anyway. I remember at that time I was very vulnerable because my boyfriend had recently broken up with me. I’m separated now. I’m just becoming aware of my situation. I take responsibility for having been codependent. I was so afraid to leave!
I’m learning so much about this topic.
Because I never encountered a narc in 55 years, did not even know that such malicious creatures exist and ergo knew nothing about red flags!
Yes, both my narcissistic marriages came through friends and family. It also came at a time when i was in profound grief after a terrible loss. I really should not have been in a relationship at all. Later my friends told me they thought i would have ended the relationship (they saw it as temporary relief and saw the red flags)
They are such good performers, but they still slip up once in awhile. We just see it as a rare exception and blow it off
Thank you Dr. Ramani! So much love and gratitude for you. There are days (like today!) when watching one of your vids is the only thing that gets me through. ❤️❤️❤️
I recommended someone as a mentor, who turned out to be a terrible mentor. They were kind and helpful to me, but they had no authority over me, and they were terrible to those who worked for them. I felt terrible about this.
Wow , I am so thankful to have listened to your series of talks today .I am so beyond broken that I have resigned to just finishing off this lifetime in isolation and early death. To think of this whole lifes journey has been an series of abusive people and relationships that I just want to see that doorway out. Lesson learned , stay away from coming back here. Hell .A long BARDO . Bless you for the momentary glimpse of hope and light . Even if Im past repair i can only hope others get to hear you sooner than later. Best regards. Colm
Hey Colin, you are a survivor, and the world needs good people like you. 🤗🤗
Like no other friend, she exploited my time, vulnerabilities, and literal money. My life slowly became secondary to her needs (this is a pattern for those she cycles through not just me), and if I were to voice this she’d say you’re an adult and have choices, I don’t really care. She misses her responsibility in taking advantage of others. She always justifies her actions, and judges others. I’ve heard her judgement and contempt even toward her sister (who was a victim of SA), actually she victim blames often (lacks empathy for anyone’s suffering). I always gave people the benefit of the doubt, excuses when they made mistakes, patience and understanding. Even now, I know her parents modeled HORRIBLE behaviors and likely traumatized her to be this way. But NOTHING is reciprocated in the relationship, her opinion of me is on the floor, and I can’t trust her. Abuse was normalized in my childhood too, I played a role in order to receive love and now I know I’m doing it again. I don’t want to be weak, (she’s made jokes about being able to just push past me, bc I’m weak). Recently, I’ve been honest with my partner and sister and therapist, and they’ve been so supportive.
The grief doesn’t really come from being used or feeling like a fool, it’s from the loss of friendship I never really had. I want so badly for the good parts the be the only parts, for us to come together and protect each other and share kindness. But that’s fantasy. I’m going to stop giving myself where it’s being TOLD it’s not needed, red flags are everything, don’t ignore them. I have trauma around diaries, but I know make note of every disgusting comment I don’t deserve, every time I’m made to feel confused. I’m also disengaged as much as possible. Narcissistic people NEED an enemy, don’t be their target.
"How could I fall for that? How could I be so stupid? Why didn't I SEE that?"
Yeah.
Must have asked myself that a few million times.
It took me YEARS to recover my self-confidence, confidence in my judgment, etc. It was only after I discovered Dr. Robert Hare's work that I realized that the problem wasn't ME.
(Now I'm finding further confirmation and understanding via your videos, which I appreciate!)
Part one of this video is so true! Also for non narcissistic encounters. I am happy to know that I am not the only one with this struggle in relationships. Thanks for the empathy, and tips how to deal with this
You are so on it Dr. Ramani - I felt I had no right to eliminate people from my sphere.
I've felt stupid when I've tried to help people who seem shy, timid, or in need of help. I've befriended people like that only to find out they were actually jerks hiding behind a shy exterior. I don't like that those experiences have possibly made me think twice before helping a person who really needs help.
I love you Dr. Ramani. Thank you. 😘 This is just what I needed to hear.
I always excused the red flags (like he was having a bad day... etc.). But I also confronted him and lost a lot energy because of that. Believe me there is no problem-solving with such people. It is simple exhausting. The best thing is if you run away. Be safe everybody! (Those people are dangerous).
I Thank you Dr. Rameni!
I didn't "miss" the red flags. I ignored them. I did it because I wanted to be in love and not alone anymore. It lasted a month and I walked away. It could have been so much worse. Love yourself. 🤷♀️
One red flag
is one to many
🤺💐
I had a friend introduce me to a narcissist ex. I took me two years to get rid of him. I don't care to really have many friends, nor dating now.
I started dating a guy less than 2 weeks after I broke up with my toxic ex boyfriend. I told him I thought we shouldn't date anymore, because I respected him too much to turn him into just a rebound. He respected my boundaries without question. A few days later I asked to come back over. A few weeks after picking right back up where we left off he asked me what happened to breaking up. I told him I'd changed my mind. 12 years later we're happily married. It felt so good to have my boundaries casually respected that I knew I couldn't let that kind of person go. Best decision I ever made. I just wish I'd had a little more time to heal from the narcissistic abuse from my ex because that caused a lot of problems with my husband and me for a while.
Yes. I was introduced to a narcissist. It was short lived... I thought the person that introduced me to the narcissist...really didn't know him well.
He said a ton of nice things about this person and none of it was true
I have seen many videos for years like an OBSESSED person but this woman is the pro!, Thank you Dr.Ramani
Thank you doctor Ramani, I can never forget what you have done for us, you have taken us out from a bottomless pit. We love you ❤.
Thank you! I needed this!
My red flags started at home. No wonder i searched them out in partners.
Long waited topic ♥️
Looking great Dr. Ramani. Thank you for your wisdom.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. What a wonderful complication of videos. It's organized and flows coherently.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
You're a hero to many of us. We love you.
Thank you so much Dr. Ramani, I expereinced every one of those "red flags" you pointed out. The last topic where you talk about feeling stupid, I see now mote than ever, it was not me, it never was me and I am out of relationship with a narcissitc sibling. I can look back and see all the indicators and behaviors she displayed and being surrounded by enablers, I was the 'overly sensitive one', 'too emotional' 'the bad person' because they couldn't handle the truth of who this relative was and is. Yes, it took courage, a willingness to stand alone but the peace and tranquility that I don't have to ever deal with her again is a blessing I would do over and over again because I am well worth it. Thank you again.
Yes ive been in relationships where the narc knew he could abuse me in anyway they wanted and i would never leave because they didn’t actually put their hands on me. Ive never been allowed to stand up for myself.
OMG this should've been the first video! Thank you!
This is SO TRUE!!! I’m just learning I’ve had these low grade annoyance/drained/dread feelings with a handful of “friends” that were highly narcissistic. Didn’t get the evidence for years or over a decade even. For some it was decades, and one was living in my house, on me, because I was trying to help her. All of these people were draining, but I kept second guessing my own instincts because I wanted to give this person a chance. The theme for this year for me has been boundaries, but for some, it’s been over a DECADE. Listen to your body signals. This is 💯 great advice.
Watch out for any person that keeps talking about winning and games.All narcissist are competitive.All they do is try to win at everything and put you down.
Unfortunately, my parent (mom) is a narcissist. I've also had a very bad relationship with a narcissist. I'm living a better life today 😊
I love the question about how we are introduced to the narcissistic person! Never unpacked that before and there’s a lot to explore for me. Also, it made me think that I have been introduced to some of the most empathic people through my narcissistic friends and family members. Love your work and content. 😊
love you Dr. Ramani. Thank you.
God bless you, Dr. Ramani. Thank you for your hard work and compassion, you r amazing 💗🙏!
I missed the Red Flags because I did not know these narcs could be so evil. Unimaginable the destruction they create.
Yes, it indeed feels like you're in a horror film where it seems that you only see what's really going on while the outside world doesn't have a clue, that's one. Second, they try to play down what happened to you, like come on it's not that bad, get over it! Etcetera etcetera. Thanks to all the video's I've watched and documents I studied, from different sources (yes dr. Ramani you also opened my eyes and I'm very thankful for that) from all over the world, I noticed how consistent this is and I didn't only discover about my actual toxic relationship, no no. I also discovered for my personal situation this all goes back to previous relationships and yes: all going back to my youth and childhood where it all started: as a child you do not have a clue as you do not have any reference where you can lean on. Hence you don't know better as a child. And you won't know until you come across someone or any useful information that triggers you to study this further and get your eyes opened, which is what happened to me a few years ago. Now I'm fully aware although I still have a long way to go. My next challenge is how to get rid of my actual toxic relationship as the mother of our 9 year old daughter might have had it with me, but she won't leave me, oh no. Otherwise who's going to give her the famous narc supply???? As I'm not giving in to her provocations and so on, she now starts seeking for her daily dosis of supply on other people and yes also our daughter. Even tries to get through my mom and family to show her fake image while she's basically rotten from the inside, very very hypocrite. But this is not the real problem; the real problem is how to convince the judge and the rest of the relevant people at court if it comes that far. Because if I decide to get rid of her, I'm sure she will get everything out to destroy me, I'm 100% sure about that. And if worse comes to worst and I won't be allowed to see my daughter anymore, then I won't be able to watch over her and protect her. In that case, the medicine will be worse than the disease itself. Hence my dilemma here, despite the fact I have the best cards in the game here: we're not married, the house is only under my name and we do not have common bank accounts, what's hers is hers and what's mine is mine. But still this is something that cannot be underestimated as we have a 9 year old daughter in common.
I wish to all of you in similar situations to keep fighting and giving up is not an option. Any tips are more than welcome as I still have a long way to go.
Thanks Dr. Ramani for your wise advice and keep up the good work!
My stomach drops when someone says something like "yeah, I dont really like them either, BUT I like to see the best in people" if you are saying or thinking this, it means you are overlooking something!! I no longer think 'seeing the best in people' is a good thing