Its even sadder when that moment you realise the person you loved doesn't really exist. You just wish that person that you thought was the soft, warm healed higherself you thought was within is just an echo is a dark cave and the desolation and emptiness for the huge emotional investment leaves you broken
that is who is beimg described ..weve all been there or we wouldnt be here. know ur not alone. also 1 in 10 are narcs sadly. u wont have to learn this lesson again. appreciate that u now have skills that benefit the rest of ur life. appreciatuon of everything brings u more blessings/positive options. as stated, be discerning. the low vibing dark doesnt want ppl to go to the lovelight. we encountered ppl with the devil race attatched to them n they didnt want to let those lower energies go. u cant hang on to the dark n take it into the light. the devil race doesnt go beyond 4D. we are heading to the 5D/heaven n higher rapidly. 3D n the narcs/devils playground cant get in but they want us to take our narc with us so devil attachments come with them.. they want to infiltrate heaven n are theyre crumbling away.. if u are an earth angel then theyre the fallen angels of the tf journey that is of ascension n the devil race n those negative agenda factions in cahoots with them.. if u know the stories ull understand this. if not, its not for u. let it go n forget i said anything. ur doing amazing. dont let their cowardice fear lack of self worth n over extended illusion n sence of grandeur fool u. its an act. we are on the pedestal we should be to them, they will never tell us tho coz theyre not feeling worthy. n its more than that 1 person. their fam n associates will be the similar n we have them in our fam too. amongst our friends n colleagues.. theyre everywhere n right under our noses. take titles off ppl n decide if u like how they treat u n if they give as much as the recieve from ur connection. do u feel drained after being in their company, red flags or an urgency to move away from some1. ur feelings tell u all u need to know. sending healing n best wishes to u honey n those affected by ur narcs behaviours lies deciept n theft 🤗💕💖 xxx
So well said ❤❤ I have been doing my best to practice radical acceptance, allowing myself to grieve what I feel I’ve lost, while coming to terms with the fact that I can’t lose what I never had to begin with.
💯 😮 I've been silently uttering this EXACT phrase verbatim to myself and i feel strangely relieved now that I finally put a stop to it. Hoping we all get better 🙏 at preventing the abuse in the future. It's easier to stop something if you never let it start. We are all light workers!!!
Years ago, my uncle told me that my narcissistic mother was a "sadist." I agreed with him and told him that she always speaks against him behind his back -- and he said, "I know, I can feel it!" He passed away years ago; and sadly, he was the only one who saw her mask slip and called it what it was. Most extended family and friends have not yet seen her "other side."
@@elizabethd.2398 maybe they think its easier to keep quiet n try not to fuel them. ano my family saw the best in ppl but when they say well hes ur dad! ..like that makes it ok! but ubhave to remember the narcs of that generation were less of a narc than those the generation before. i saw a cat of 3 tails at my grans when i was small ..it was obv a cat of 9 tails initially.. n the leather belt. not in use 50ys ago but prior to that kids were hit with anything. low incomes n massive families made hungry mouths. stealing food or for food was common.. but u werent supppsed to get caught. the book was thrown at u by ur dad, the bobbies or both. ..but u still have to walk on eggshells coz u dont know whats gunna trigger them today. not easy living for kids of all ages. traumatic if u dont master ur emotions. n at 3 n 4yo when u see it, its highly damaging for alp victims. mum helps by teaching u how navigate this kimd of life 😳 its all part of getting us to where we need to be for our missions here but their choices were steered by soc norms n family acceptances as if theres no option. sad. but when u then have the tools to change the future, u can see why u chose them n put them in ur contract in this incarnation. appreciate everything it's what made u into who u are today n who u need to be for ur future blessings if uv learned this u need not repeat that cycle again. time to move on n up 😁🤗💕💖 xxx
@@elizabethd.2398 A sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others, sometimes in a sexual sense. Sadists like seeing other people hurt. A sadist is the opposite of a masochist, who enjoys being in pain. A sadist is all about hurting others, usually to get off sexually wow! 😳💕💖 xxx
good christian anyone, are the worst of the worst. ex gf would read the bible a hour a day, to get her daily allowance of i dont know what? i never needed the bible to instruct me on how to conduct myself as a human being. she must have skipped over those parts?
that pretty much applies to all relationships. however you,/we, perceive it to be; all relationships, including marriage, are transactional. one, extracting from the other. you as a person are no longer a part of the equation. narcissism at its finest. narcissism is so prevalent, openly accepted, and even encouraged, in todays world, everything is based off of it, by 95% of the population.
I was raised by a vulnerable narcissistic mother. It sucked! I'm in my 40s and doing well in life now. But, I'm still in the process of grieving the childhood I never had.
coming from a sh it childhood myself, i wiped the slate clean eons ago, by not making the same mistakes myself, a learning experience, and its worked well. dwelling on bs you had no control over, does nobody, no good. the hardest lessons we learn in life, are also the most costly ones.
Good to hear that! I'm 41 and only recently acknowledged that I have narcissistic and borderline traits like my parents. Narcissists raise narcissists. Sad but true 😢
Oh yes! After the huge rage from my Ex at the time of his collaps because of my decision to move out, he became a spiritual freak and tried to convince me how great he was doing with meditation. Soon I realised that it was part of his performance and did not let me hoover back this time!
I used to be the kindest most generous person you would ever meet. I have done a lot of family caregiving with multiple family members for many years and loaned thousands to help them when asked. I did find out the hard way, that my efforts were not appreciated and were not reciprocated. I have covered for my mistreatment for the sake of not causing harm to others and causing more riffs. Now, If I feel disrespected or manipulated, I will call them out in a heartbeat, I don't care who it is. If that makes me a bad person, selfish, so be it. I have had enough.
I experienced the same with family. I couldn't give enough. When I finally said, "no", I was cheap, evil, etc. My own mother was the ring leader. At 67 I had enough and walked away and went no contact. I cried for a week. BUT, OMG, I finally felt a shower of peace come over me and for the first time in my life I realized it was the best thing I ever did for myself. You can't pick your family, but you can surround yourself with wonderful, trustworthy friends!! Life can be good!
Trying to get along with a narcissist is a total waste of time and energy, let alone solving their problems for them. Been there, done that. Never again! 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
This video came at the right time. The mask came off in public and I tried to calm the situation in my codependent way. I just can’t help myself from coming to the rescue. It seems to feed the manipulation. I think I am dealing with someone who can regulate emotions and is mature, and my hope is for change. The trauma bond is real. I need to listen to friends and family and cut them off completely and I’m not doing that. It is my ego getting in the way. I don’t want them to think I abandoned them or blame me. It is time to let go of that hope. Let them blame me. I’m not responsible for how they feel or their actions.
I almost didn't watch this because I've given way too much time, heartache, and life energy to the narcs in my life. But it was dead on and hilarious and I'm super glad I watched.
I was talking to an aunt recently, and she brought up a vacation that she and her husband had taken with the people who raised me. I remember my aunt saying, 'There was a side of your [female person who raised me] that put me off them for good.' Remember that this aunt barely spent time with us growing up, so for her to say that speaks volumes if anything. It actually confirmed that I was not the problem AT ALL!
@@lindac6919 Exactly! I mean, my godmother was a good friend of the female person who raised me, and even my godmother, after a 30-plus-year friendship, managed to turn around and say 'enough' to the female person.
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
They are not very nice 😢. And then I am the Scapegoated person at home. It doesn't seem yet to happen in public. It is in private. The mask comes off and I think his eyes sparkle😮😮.😮😮😮😮😮
This is all what’s happened in my family with the narcissists, and I’m expected to pretend nothing happened for the sake of the ‘family’ being together. I can’t and won’t put myself in harms way nor be blamed for their abusive behaviours. No idea how to navigate the holidays, but prioritizing my health and safety despite pressure from the enablers. It’s all so awful. But I matter too❤. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
First, I find out if my Sister is going to attend. If she's spending Christmas Day sacrificing herself by being a Saint(ER Nurse) for the community, then I might visit my folks. I arrive late, and leave early. If she's going to be there, then I tell them I have other plans. Well...they're dead now. That's what I used to do. One year I took myself on a skiing trip. All by myself, it was lovely.
I figure that people around them do see their true nature sometimes, but they won’t acknowledge it, for whatever reason. If they see what a monster the narc can be, they might not want to deal with that themselves & definitely won’t stand up for whoever the narc is hurting. I think fear of retaliation is a big factor in how these jerks control people & situations. I wish people would stand up for others more often & stand together against the narcissist
Sooo truuue! I cannot believe how many people actually SAW the behavior and yet turned a blind eye, and in some cases sided with the narcissist!!! It was definitely a wake up call and a realization that I needed to run from the whole toxic culture.
@@cassandraandrews6656 exactly! It’s very eye opening for sure! It’s still maddening that people just choose to believe obvious bullshit, even when the truth is right in front of everyone. It works for them in whatever way. Hopefully we can avoid this awfulness in the future.
Without enablers, whom I believe are also narcissists, the chief narcissist would not get away with it. They choose to let you suffer either because they want to kiss up to the narc, or they don't want to be the target. So they are very happy to let you suffer .
In my experience, they don't really care (about their image) when the mask falls off by mistake. Same old same: they blame you/someone, they play the victim, or they lash out. They either trust that people will write it off as an out-of-character event (which is usually what happens) or move on and look for another crowd to buy into their delusion. Either way they don't seem to dwell on it. The narcissistic injury is dangerous to victims, not to the abuser.
@christelleny the ones down the street from me do care. They care so much as to be so mad at me that they've been trying everything they can to get rid of me, for the past 10 years.
@christelleny no, my neighbors. I literally mean get rid of me. They'd kill me if they thought they could get away with it. He's actually threatened my life before. When their threats of violence didn't work, they kept swatting me. The police used to believe them because it's an entire family vs. just me. Their word against mine. But my cameras save me, because they prove the neighbors are liars. The crazy thing is a couple of the family were supposed to be helping take care of this lady and were staying with her and then supposedly she committed suicide. I have a strong feeling that if they didn't actually kill her themselves, then they drove her to suicide. These people are pure evil 😈
@@RobSlopezJrSounds like a horrible situation. So sorry. Our homes should be our temple of peace. No one should have to deal with crazy neighbors, let alone crazy narcissistic ones.
Re: Calling emergency services when a narcissist is at risk of harming themselves or others - if it’s your intimate partner, get yourself and your children to safety first if possible before you make that call. Murder/suicides are common in our culture.
People calling them for control and power is also running rampant in society and can be a source of supply. A song released in March Called Love me or Die, people stealing my voice recorder and some pizza and bam they're right back to the control, power and they got supply from it.
I really appreciate your information because I am really struggling. Being married for 22 years to someone in police work leading a double life really hurts. Affairs, an arrest , financial issues it’s an absolute nightmare. Thank you because I listen to you daily.
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
This is such a great video Dr. Ramani! I had to laugh when I listened to your description on how the narcs reinvents themselves as a spiritual meditating saint 😂😂. On point and so funny! I cut all the trauma bonds with family a couple of years ago which I could litterally see in a moment of sudden revelation in the form of thick water houses attached with hooks into my flesh, a spiritual experience I will never forget and now I am free and can watch this part of my life as if it had been a movie or some sort of weird dream.
Yesterday I debated whether to call his psychiatrist....she gives him 90 Xanax every 30 days, 3 a day, he's 28, it's so sad. He takes 10 plus Xanax and gets so drunk he blacks out...way too much for me to handle...trying to get out safely...thank you Dr. RAMANI❤
LEAVE! best bet is to leave without him knowing. its not sad, its a conscious choice, how they conduct themselves. call to his head dr is a total waist of time. if tables were reversed, he would not give a sh it about you.
I second that. Leave as soon as you can and do it ninja style. Do not share your plans with anyone, and do not seek a last conversation for closure. I did it silently 3 years ago and it was the best. And, it won't be easy, so discretion is very helpful.
Benzos mixed with alcohol is a very bad mix. They potentiate each other (exponential, not just one on top of another like MJ + alcohol). There is no good ending to combining those 2. I was using both 10 years ago and landed myself in a lot of trouble.
In my case , I received a letter 3x a4. With only negative and aggressive text. I was smiling because her real face was shared. My response was “ I have read your message 3 times and closed with a smile. When this is your feeling is terrible and I will say goodbye because you are not earning this unhappy feeling. I wish you happiness with your new supply.” After that I blocked her and all related people. Next to that I deleted all pictures, Email and messages so I got a fresh start.
my hero! first thing i did was change my phone number to get my point across. i leave all relationships, narc/non narc alike with, "best of luck, with my replacement". its the final words that haunt them forever.
Dr Ramani thank you for all you do, you are a resource and you make my day with your kindness and wise truth, love you Dr Ramani for all the hurt you have helped me go thru
Thank you.. this healing journey is rough.. one day at a time.. I am a slayer.. they could not break me to bend to their bullshit.. I know who I am. And I saw who they really are. Divorce was final 2 weeks ago. No contact for 3 months now. It's great.
Absolutely tremendous DR Ramani, Thank you so much for this, You're a treasure to humanity, The mask comes off when you call them out and speak the truth then you become the enemy, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
When the mask slips and they pop off in public, the shame that they feel afterwards means they will go out of their way to make sure you never again encounter the people who saw it (or at least, you’ll see them as little as possible). For me, that meant being isolated from family and a burgeoning friend group when we moved to a new area. Thankfully I am now free (3 months now!) and I moved back to my hometown to reconnect with friends and family. I’m only just beginning to understand how isolated I have been this whole time. Strength to everyone going through this, you can get out xxxxx
Powerful. Truly resonates with my experience with the ex narc in my life. When their mask slipped there was so much chaos, followed by depression, victimhood, blame shifting, and gaslighting. Glad I am free from that.
The day my ex’s mask slipped in front of my bother was the same day he laid in wait in our darkened home for me. By the grace of God I was able to run out to safety fast enough otherwise I’m certain I wouldn’t have survived (based on his previous and escalating abuse and major paranoia). My only advice is listen to your instincts in these situations. It may be difference between life and death. ❤
I realised that after 18 years. Before that I didn't really know anything about NPD. Turned out I had first-hand experience going back nearly two decades.
This just happened to me with someone I regretfully opened my heart to. It was so sudden and unexpected that it threw me for a loop. I’m still astonished that the person believes that what they said to me was acceptable. Healing once again from narcissistic whiplash. Where do they all come from!?!?
Thanks for illuminating the potential trajectories of a narcissist's splintered ego. Taking the step to seek outside assistance looms large and guilt/betrayal-inducing. I'm doing my best to remain rational and objective and kind.
My covert narcissistic grandmother is a bottomless pit of egoistic need. I’m moving out of her life next year. I went no contact with my mother last year, and I have limit contact with my aunt for now.
I know what you mean. I mourned my sister deeply, I tried to stay focused on the sweet little sister she was as a child 😢. But at the same time I was happy to be free of her coercive and corrosive influence. I wish I could have found a way to break free and learned about healthy boundaries before she passed and that she could have healed.
@@lilfairycupcake There aren't many places for an 8 year old child to go. I used to fantacize about living in the neighbors falling down shed that they never looked in, and breaking into the back doors of the neighbors, to get peanut butter and canned goods to live on. But I never had the guts to do it. I couldn't figure out, how do I leave home, but still get to go to school? Someone would grab and force me back to my family. I guess it's my own fault that I stuck it out for 10 more years?
I am out of this relationship for several months now, but I still am watching so many videos, especially about Histrionic PD. I am continually amazed at how consistant her behavior was with what you describe. The rage outbursts, which made no sense at the time and the attention seeking in public was exactly as you described. It still grieves me, knowing that she is more than likely still using. (She told me, "I need to quit"). I pray for her daily, because I saw a part of her that I like to think was her crying for help, but hanging on so tightly to her image.
the worst part of dealing with one, is not knowing. i found out totally by chance, several months after i kicked her to the curb, for good. the more you know, the more you understand. the more you understand just how toxic, hateful, they are, the more you should want to cut all ties with such a person. ultimately they will drag you down with them.
Right on point with thiss assessment. I'm in a space where I am just done. The people in my lofe are showing true colors with my total lack of giving and caring after so many years of sacrificing myself. I am happy to report, there are more good solid people than bad in my life and the 2 that I thought were draining me, well they were. But I'm not playing their crap no more.
over the past 18yrs, ive let pretty much everyone i know, self eliminate, one by one. disrespect me, rude, hateful, backstabbing, lie, connive, steal, whatever; i canceled their ticket on the spot. what ive come to find is, what makes them crazy, they no longer have any input about my life, who is/is not a part of it, what it consists of, bla bla bla... f them all.
I was five years old when I saw the demon behind the mask of the narcissist. It was sheer horror to know that the person who had custody of me wanted me to die. No child should ever be subjected to hatred like that.
hate is the basis of their entire fu ked up being, world. sincerely sorry you had to deal with such a negative thing. its always the weak they go after. the bs i was put threw actually made me a better person overall. the one negative trait i took away is, i have a very low bs tolerance.
@@AvaJulani you know to much. "a good thing". your correct, what they can, or think they get away with. they 100% know, exactly what they are doing. the weak, ignorant, narcs, whatever, always rely on others to fight their fights for them, aka cowards. ex narc gf decided she was going to pull the old call the cops on me thing. after i detailed what would happen to her, if she chose to do so, she quickly changed her mind.
@@lilfairycupcake I don't believe that about myself. I believe that I was a better person ALL THE TIME. And I continuted to reach for better, and better. Narky influences had NOTHING to do with my betterment. It's not the target's fault; they don't "attract" the Narky by being weak. Narky is a predator, like a lion. A lioness will choose a calf rather than a bull...but if there's no calf available, or if the calf is protected in the herd, then the lioness will up her game; sometimes she'll gather a hunting pack of Enablers and go for the bull.
@@AvaJulanii call that the old reversal trick. yup, im the crazy one alright. like ive said many times, biggest cowards on the planet, all you have to do is stand up to one, and they melt.
Honestly, if narcs had any self reflection, they would realise that it all catches up to them eventually. And like the Doctor said, especially the older ones. Often, when they burn so many bridges, they will come back years later as if nothing has happened and try to re-connect talking about the "good ol-days" when in fact, you did have some fun with them but there were too many insults, too many lies, too many betrayals to let them back in. Bringing that up to them, is fruitless as they will always say "oh that was soo long ago..why even bring up the past", which is curious because in those "good ol-days" they will bring something up from the past, that was actually them just being a normal nice person and THAT is the only thing from the past that is dictated to be remembered, of course ..and you should thank them!!. All on their terms and their terms only. There are always two sets of rules for a narcissist. One for them, and one for them.
He is a COP & uses his badge as a way to meet unassuming vulnerable people to use for supply. He needs to be caught and have his badge taken away. Even drinks while on duty, cant pay the mortgage or bills or soccer camp for his son ( L.A ) or daughter's dance classes ( K.A ) but always has money for beer, vape, testosterone to shot up. These people need to be stopped. I was a victim of his abuse & moved out / no contact & am starting to feel so much better. let the new supply keep him busy just stay away from me.
its not ok at all, actually its disgusting, but you might as well get used to it. narcissism is so prevalent, openly accepted, and even encouraged, in todays world, everything is based off of it, by 95% of the population. me me me mine, take from you, pretty much rules the roost.
What happens next? You ditch their ass and never look back. This time, there are witnesses. People who will finally realize you were telling the TRUTH. People who will help you, at least on the short term. That's all you need. This is your exit; take it.
Not that easy for everyone. Not always possible. Getting tired of hearing that advice. Of course we know we should get out. It's likely that's what most of us want. It's just not always possible.
It USED to be an exit sometimes. They USED to throw violent people in jail, at least overnight so you could grab your things and leave everything else that you built and worked for behind. But these days, they bond out so fast, or they even get a signature bond right there at the police car. They never even get taken away.
Wowzers! Thank you! I am so grateful that the two different mask slips happened in front of trained professionals. And thank you for reminding me that the shame of such public displays may not be overcome. At all. Ever. I’m done trying to solve the unsolvable and grasping on to the romanticized false memory of our time together because it’s a façade. 😢🎉😊❤
He would do this no matter where we were and he got a bad AirBnB review. It would change the course of our day / night or multiple days. He'd always say "I never get bad reviews! Everyone loves my place! How could they! And they want their money back! No way! If I don't have perfect reviews people won't book anymore! I have to fight this!" This would be the ONLY topic for hours or days and eventually the people would get their money back, he'd write some ridiculous response blaming the renters. The longer I was with him, the more I realized he received more bad reviews than not. It was ridiculous the panic he'd go into! Thank you Dr. R! Now I understand why!!
I finally saw my mother for who she isn’t when I told her in person that I was going no contact. It was frightening to see what she really felt about me & I never saw her again although she played a lot of family games before she died a couple of years later. I didn’t attend her open casket funeral meant to get even more attention as well as cause problems for survivors & I felt nothing for her as a mom anymore, simply sorry for confirmation of my lifelong orphan status 💔❤️🩹♥️
My ex had her first mask off moment in public, following a light confrontation amongst friends about a boundary that was crossed. She blew up in a rant about how she can do whatever she wants regardless of how I feel. The next day was the discard, followed up by a pattern of avoidance, blame, relationship history re-write, her self portrayal of superiority and how I was given a chance I squandered, a complete 180 of just a few days before the mask off moment "I love you, i feel so safe with you, I want to be with you forever...". Funny, in a way, how these things unfold so...textbook like.
This exact situation happened to me except with a friend. I felt relieved in a way because all of the aggression had been passive aggressive for so long that nobody had seen it, so being in public I imagined that it the episode would work like a mirror for her to reflect. In actuality, no apology - damage control, lies, rumours, more passive hostility. I could see the terror in her partner's eyes that night as this happened in front of his friends. I couldn't even imagine what her partner is going through on a daily basis, I just hope he finds a way through like you have.
@@chimera788 A way through was found for me. Her discard, although difficult at the time, was a blessing in disguise. Better this now and a prolonged or worsened version in the future. With how things unfolded post breakup, I could pin point exactly which moments were, without question, what drew the conclusion that she was indeed a narcissist. There is always a certain level of doubt that remains, perhaps a way to protect oneself from the outcome of "she/he never loved me" or "none of this was real". There is no certainty that is more certain that we just weren't meant to be together and that this outcome was for the best.
Thanks so much for all you are doing. I am in the final chapter of your book "It's Not You" on Audible. Really need to go back and listen to a few sections again, but having you here on UA-cam too really helps. There are so many aspects I feel could deep dive into, but wouldn't know where to begin. I've started to make a list of my favourite things and likes that during the narcissistic marriage situation I put to the side or changed or whatever.. trying to rediscover who I was and who I have become. Thanks again.
I remember that time exactly because I studied what I was dealing with and finally called him out on his patterns and effects on all relationships involved. It was liberating! Thank you in educating me ❤️
Trusting my intuition and meditating, allowing my triggers and fears to pass through, has made my discernment very strong when it comes to narcissists. Of course some of them are very good at manipulation but I’d say understanding that a narcissist is wearing a mask before it slips is a protection.
To be honest after I fully unmasked and woken up from my hypnotic state -as I like to call my 10 year relationship/marriage/child - of my covert narcissistic hell, I felt relieved although I couldn’t breathe, I felt empowered although I was vulnerable, I glowed although my rotten not real parts collapsed. But seriously, it is not a state that can be described but after you healed from it, you are the shit!!! You are free also to other kind of emotionally abusive relationships. Go for it, show everyone the king is naked!
My exwife and her new husband are accuseing me of driving around 4 diffrent counties and taking down their business signs And to this day I haven't even seen or looked for one of their signs
and how much contact do you have with her? it should be 0 contact. you should not be giving a sh it what she thinks about anything. matter o fact, she should not exist in your life at all.
It makes them feel so important. My ex called out of the blue one day, and accused me of beating up his screen door and yanking it off the hinges. I hadn't been anywhere NEAR his house for ages. I told him that it must have been one of his other enemies. ( ...or he did it himself coming home drunk one night; and doesn't remember.)
For me, it began to be a pattern, over a lengthy course of time, that made me question what else I’d been missing. Like when my mother’s work was in an art exhibition. When we went and she began introducing me under my original last name, from her first husband. I went into a corner, quietly sadly and worriedly pondering, if she had a psychological issue, a bit earlier than any natural decline. It wasn’t until later, that she said she didn’t want to introduce me as her daughter because, as I was in some of the work, it’s not a good thing to make it look like you were just photographing your kids. If she was that good at strategizing, it might’ve been good to tell me that, on the way to the exhibition. There was the disagreement we had, about me being her ghost artist, correcting her work. That I’d never agreed to that, although I was happy to do it. That I hadn’t agreed to be hidden or have me and my own work be hidden or take a back seat, to make her feel better, that getting married had put an end to her work. But, I could tell by her demeanor, that she felt righteous, in using me and strategizing behind my back. This, after I was the only person to care about her and her work, in the first place. It was this kind of stuff, that we’re the initial indicators, not of dementia. But of her narcissist mask slipping and revealing how she felt about me and what she intended for me. That she was to become one of the two worst enemies I ever had and my, now, former sister, would be the next.
My mother's mask fell off at a critical time - with my father's enablement, and so they both got the permanent arse out of my life!!! And GOOD RIDDANCE!!
I went on a vacation with a friend, our first trip away. I started noticing how her behaviour was very self-absorbed, things I’d never picked up on before. Then one night she got an email which made her angry and she raged. I’d never experienced that before, and without thinking, I raised my voice and told her to ‘stop it !’ as she was becoming unhinged. Like an adult trying to reel a child back in. I was shocked at my own reaction (I never think it’s ok to speak like that to anyone) and weirdly my friend, returned to normal and acted like nothing had happened. I was left sitting there, thinking wtf. Their mask truly did fall.
This video literally describes every single detail of what happened with me and my narcissistic soon to be ex husband. The mask came off this last year and the fall out has been devastating.
Yep. All you have to do is inconvenience em a little, stress em out a little or prevent them from having something they want, then they will lose their shit. lol. If you do any of those things, you better take off the gloves and stick em up because they’ll be fixin to have it out with you. lol. Just like my “manager” at work 🙄. She drives me insane, and I often have to maintain my self-composure so I don’t tell her where to shove it.
I've seen 2 times where narcissistic masks slipped and it was unnerving...1 was a colleague who wasn't doing their part of a group project. When I confronted them I saw a look pass over their face (it was pretty scary, looked like rage) and then they quickly recovered and returned to smiling and trying to get away with their lack of work. The second was a therapist I had been seeing for several years before this happened: She shut down and was as cold as ice....when she finally recovered, she closed her eyes, put her hand on her chest, said "just a minute" and the look on her face completely shifted, like a shadow passed over her face...and her mask came back on. I didn't know about narcissism at either of these times. With the colleague, it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't close to that person. With the therapist, it resulted in a terrifying descent into post-trauma response, that 3 years later, I am still living with the effects of.
I believe you. I think it is a demonic spirit (energy) possession that breaks through. Scary to witness with your therapist though, thankfully you did see it to move on.
How do you do it, Dr Ramani? Every video I watch of yours finds new ways to validate my experiences and ease my burden. My nex went to rehab for alcoholism, which she blames me for and takes zero responsibility for. And I knew it was for optics and to displace all responsibility from her. Especially as she continues to use therapy-speak against me and continues to behave in narcissistic ways. They will do anything to make their victims out to be the badguys. Thank you so much!
My psychopathic father mask never fell off! Until he had the on start of dementia. Shoot I been raging today myself for good reasons. Knowing I did pick up on narc learned behaviors- but I don’t wear mask and I got no clue how to play the game. But still raging. Someone ask me how I am today I’ll probably say do you really want to know - lord have mercy! Yep I’ve seen the narc mask slip well heard about it at some party she was throwing. Glad someone else FINALLY saw it! I best drive this off.. no not speed either get on them there back roads . Peace out
You have a right to be angry & hurt. I would suggest therapy, versus getting behind a wheel. Wishing you peace. P.s. I finally went no contact with my mother after she said something cruel about my pet. I decided 60 + years of that toxic sludge was enough. The Golden Child can step up & do some work for a change.
So true that they careen between charm and shocking cruelty. My experience was the cruelty always involved triangulating with another woman. The last time it happened, I heard the "penny drop". It was the proverbial camel back-breaking straw.
Thank you, thank you, Dr. Ramini! Every time I sit in on one of your presentations on this subject it gives me relief from the political stress, anxiety, and outrage I experience from the Republican nominated candidate for president and all his fawning and adoring supporters out there! --Including his pick for VP who has the same dysfunctional personality disorder (aka Narcissism). Thank you, thank you! I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind when I hear these Republicans talk, lie, and make up false narratives to uplift both themselves and discredit reality and denigrate others to the cheers and chortles of their crowds of loyal supporters. Although this is not a relationship per se, this political stress and disgust, it infringes upon all my values and beliefs about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! And it causes me time and again to question myself, as the gaslighting begins, the downright abuse to all of US occurs, and the DISinformation spews its venomous stink all over US! And! The only way to rid ourselves of this narcissistic abusive relationship is to VOTE them ALL OUT!
My last narcissistic partner completely fell apart at one point and took such drastic actions to hurt themself, I threatened to call a 51-50 on them. After that day, part of me completely lost the ability to trust them. It was awful and I felt totally alone dealing with it.
best bet is to cut ties with it. it does not care about you at all, and i would return the favor. get used to being alone, if you choose to stay with it, things will never get better, but worse; guaranteed. its nothing but a continuous, down hill slide, and they are more than happy, to drag you down with them. its actually one of their goals to do so.
loved seeing both of my narcs mask slips. total panic, total breakdown, totally humiliated, shamed, and never felt so good about seeing someone hurt so bad, bringing it all upon themselves.
This week we went to see our grown son. Spouse fakes the kindness then when we get in the car, he won’t listen to me and slams the car door while I am talking. I wish he showed his true abusive self in front of my kids.
I just had to watch this video again because it helps to understand exactly what happened in various situations as my Ex's fragile Ego collapsed! He really did dangerous things after raging at me (like not to take his daily heart-medicine and drink whiskey, which he normally never did!). Once he wanted that I feel so bad that he sent me a picture of his full glass placed at the side of the empty bottle! I had no idea about gaslighting at that time and I felt so guilty about his pain that I came back. 😨
Wish you would speak on the narcs that are more passive aggressive and don’t show rage for the most part but sneakiness and manipulative deception. Thats what narcs in my life were like except for my father that did and still does have rage (at 91 years old) and would beat on us kids when we were little.
My mother's mask finally fell off - she finslly wrote me she resents me because my father (who i met only once) cheated on her. She has been using me as her scapegoat for everything that ever went wrong with her life, for my whole life, and since I distanced myself from her, she is imploding without having anyone to blame for her horrible decisions 😂😂😂it is horrible to watch though, and even worse being on the receiving end, but totally deserved for her to be losing her mind
Thanks for this insight. Light bulb moment, he lost his prestigious job and discarded me. He went through the whole cluster B mix, grandiose, covert, borderline and psychotic through the divorce. Still self harming with copious alcohol and still playing the victim. He must be exhausted.
My husband divorced me during his narcissistic breakdown and a year later committed suicide. The dream woman he left me for, left him just 2 months into their marriage.
What is really hard is when the mask comes off and other people see what's going on and finally give you that validation only to have the vulnerable narcissist play the "oh woe is me" game and these people that validated you are now saying how bad they feel for the narcissist and how we should offer more compassion. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
The "depression" is the reason I stayed so long and put up with so much... Everyone was always out to get him, he was never responsible for anything, he was never happy for more than a few days, even after a new job / car / house / baby.
Ramani, I don't know why it happened but after watching this video I had the overwhelming urge to play "the Final Countdown" by the band Europe at full blast. I guess you have to enjoy the moments of respite whenever they occur.
Its even sadder when that moment you realise the person you loved doesn't really exist. You just wish that person that you thought was the soft, warm healed higherself you thought was within is just an echo is a dark cave and the desolation and emptiness for the huge emotional investment leaves you broken
I’m so sorry. I hear the pain in this statement . Hugs
ditto... and sometimes the financial investment and destruction of plans and dreams... yea, I hear ya.
it was all a lie/fake. its not just narcs, but pretty much everyone. i never viewed it as being broken, but one hell of a learning experience.
that is who is beimg described ..weve all been there or we wouldnt be here. know ur not alone. also 1 in 10 are narcs sadly. u wont have to learn this lesson again. appreciate that u now have skills that benefit the rest of ur life. appreciatuon of everything brings u more blessings/positive options. as stated, be discerning. the low vibing dark doesnt want ppl to go to the lovelight. we encountered ppl with the devil race attatched to them n they didnt want to let those lower energies go. u cant hang on to the dark n take it into the light. the devil race doesnt go beyond 4D. we are heading to the 5D/heaven n higher rapidly. 3D n the narcs/devils playground cant get in but they want us to take our narc with us so devil attachments come with them.. they want to infiltrate heaven n are theyre crumbling away..
if u are an earth angel then theyre the fallen angels of the tf journey that is of ascension n the devil race n those negative agenda factions in cahoots with them.. if u know the stories ull understand this. if not, its not for u. let it go n forget i said anything.
ur doing amazing. dont let their cowardice fear lack of self worth n over extended illusion n sence of grandeur fool u. its an act. we are on the pedestal we should be to them, they will never tell us tho coz theyre not feeling worthy. n its more than that 1 person. their fam n associates will be the similar n we have them in our fam too. amongst our friends n colleagues.. theyre everywhere n right under our noses. take titles off ppl n decide if u like how they treat u n if they give as much as the recieve from ur connection. do u feel drained after being in their company, red flags or an urgency to move away from some1. ur feelings tell u all u need to know.
sending healing n best wishes to u honey n those affected by ur narcs behaviours lies deciept n theft 🤗💕💖 xxx
So well said ❤❤ I have been doing my best to practice radical acceptance, allowing myself to grieve what I feel I’ve lost, while coming to terms with the fact that I can’t lose what I never had to begin with.
When the narcissist’s mask falls off, the worst part is not when they show their true colors, it’s realizing all the red flags you missed.
So true. Or the one's you ignored.
Whooaa ..thats deep.❤
exactly!
💯💯💯
I chose to ignore red flag after red flag.
Working on me now and how to not be the empathatic enabler.
Once you see it, you can't unsee it
Truth!
The black eyes!
💯💯💯
💯 😮 I've been silently uttering this EXACT phrase verbatim to myself and i feel strangely relieved now that I finally put a stop to it. Hoping we all get better 🙏 at preventing the abuse in the future. It's easier to stop something if you never let it start. We are all light workers!!!
I really manage to deny it multiple times until someone else validates my view
Years ago, my uncle told me that my narcissistic mother was a "sadist." I agreed with him and told him that she always speaks against him behind his back -- and he said, "I know, I can feel it!" He passed away years ago; and sadly, he was the only one who saw her mask slip and called it what it was. Most extended family and friends have not yet seen her "other side."
its always served up best, when its done behind your back. just like a true coward would.
@@elizabethd.2398 maybe they think its easier to keep quiet n try not to fuel them. ano my family saw the best in ppl but when they say well hes ur dad! ..like that makes it ok! but ubhave to remember the narcs of that generation were less of a narc than those the generation before. i saw a cat of 3 tails at my grans when i was small ..it was obv a cat of 9 tails initially.. n the leather belt. not in use 50ys ago but prior to that kids were hit with anything. low incomes n massive families made hungry mouths. stealing food or for food was common.. but u werent supppsed to get caught. the book was thrown at u by ur dad, the bobbies or both.
..but u still have to walk on eggshells coz u dont know whats gunna trigger them today. not easy living for kids of all ages. traumatic if u dont master ur emotions. n at 3 n 4yo when u see it, its highly damaging for alp victims. mum helps by teaching u how navigate this kimd of life 😳
its all part of getting us to where we need to be for our missions here but their choices were steered by soc norms n family acceptances as if theres no option.
sad. but when u then have the tools to change the future, u can see why u chose them n put them in ur contract in this incarnation.
appreciate everything it's what
made u into who u are today n who u need to be for ur future blessings
if uv learned this u need not repeat that cycle again. time to move on n up 😁🤗💕💖 xxx
@@elizabethd.2398 A sadist is someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others, sometimes in a sexual sense. Sadists like seeing other people hurt. A sadist is the opposite of a masochist, who enjoys being in pain. A sadist is all about hurting others, usually to get off sexually
wow! 😳💕💖 xxx
Or else they pretend not to.
I had a similar “mother” - a full-blown primary psychopath who fooled so many with her incredible acting skills. She destroyed the entire family.
I'm dealing with "Christian" narcissists. It's wild to see the lack of self awareness.
😭... and then they sing 'Jesus loves Me'....while looking at you with distaste.
@@melanytodd2929Ya Jesus loves ya and everybody else thinks you're an As..hole.
a "communal" narcissist?
They are NOT true Christians they hide behind that label that's all Another Manipulation tactic!!! 😊
good christian anyone, are the worst of the worst. ex gf would read the bible a hour a day, to get her daily allowance of i dont know what? i never needed the bible to instruct me on how to conduct myself as a human being. she must have skipped over those parts?
We realize there's something called nothingness in the relationship.
that pretty much applies to all relationships. however you,/we, perceive it to be; all relationships, including marriage, are transactional. one, extracting from the other. you as a person are no longer a part of the equation. narcissism at its finest. narcissism is so prevalent, openly accepted, and even encouraged, in todays world, everything is based off of it, by 95% of the population.
I don’t know what you’d call it, but it’s WORSE than nothingness!
I was raised by a vulnerable narcissistic mother. It sucked! I'm in my 40s and doing well in life now. But, I'm still in the process of grieving the childhood I never had.
coming from a sh it childhood myself, i wiped the slate clean eons ago, by not making the same mistakes myself, a learning experience, and its worked well. dwelling on bs you had no control over, does nobody, no good. the hardest lessons we learn in life, are also the most costly ones.
Good to hear that! I'm 41 and only recently acknowledged that I have narcissistic and borderline traits like my parents. Narcissists raise narcissists. Sad but true 😢
"F*ck four!" Goldie Hawn, The Banger Sisters.
I am sorry 😢 similar story here. And it is so isolating as many people font understand
@@ChunkyLover1983not necessarily, but you have a good point as behavior is learned, but it can be unlearned
"The capacity to go back and forth between charm and cruelty".
Such a validating truth! Thanks again Doc ❤🌼
Oh yes! After the huge rage from my Ex at the time of his collaps because of my decision to move out, he became a spiritual freak and tried to convince me how great he was doing with meditation. Soon I realised that it was part of his performance and did not let me hoover back this time!
I used to be the kindest most generous person you would ever meet. I have done a lot of family caregiving with multiple family members for many years and loaned thousands to help them when asked. I did find out the hard way, that my efforts were not appreciated and were not reciprocated. I have covered for my mistreatment for the sake of not causing harm to others and causing more riffs. Now, If I feel disrespected or manipulated, I will call them out in a heartbeat, I don't care who it is. If that makes me a bad person, selfish, so be it. I have had enough.
Me too, just like you. Let's stay strong for a better future. ❤
nobody appreciates anything. i just turned 59, and from here on out, im just like everyone else, me me me me mine.
I experienced the same with family. I couldn't give enough. When I finally said, "no", I was cheap, evil, etc. My own mother was the ring leader. At 67 I had enough and walked away and went no contact. I cried for a week. BUT, OMG, I finally felt a shower of peace come over me and for the first time in my life I realized it was the best thing I ever did for myself. You can't pick your family, but you can surround yourself with wonderful, trustworthy friends!! Life can be good!
@@essieessie5399Hope you find the peace you deserve. Don’t let the selfish people get you down.
@@ericb8413 ❤
Trying to get along with a narcissist is a total waste of time and energy, let alone solving their problems for them. Been there, done that. Never again! 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
👍🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
Thank you so much for your videos Dr. Ramani!!!!
This video came at the right time. The mask came off in public and I tried to calm the situation in my codependent way. I just can’t help myself from coming to the rescue. It seems to feed the manipulation. I think I am dealing with someone who can regulate emotions and is mature, and my hope is for change. The trauma bond is real. I need to listen to friends and family and cut them off completely and I’m not doing that. It is my ego getting in the way. I don’t want them to think I abandoned them or blame me. It is time to let go of that hope. Let them blame me. I’m not responsible for how they feel or their actions.
You should perhaps consider an impartial therapist - work on yourself first… best of luck ..
The attachment is real 😢💔 I had to fight it and break it. Hardest thing ever! 😢
I almost didn't watch this because I've given way too much time, heartache, and life energy to the narcs in my life. But it was dead on and hilarious and I'm super glad I watched.
Lol I feel that ❤
I was talking to an aunt recently, and she brought up a vacation that she and her husband had taken with the people who raised me. I remember my aunt saying, 'There was a side of your [female person who raised me] that put me off them for good.' Remember that this aunt barely spent time with us growing up, so for her to say that speaks volumes if anything. It actually confirmed that I was not the problem AT ALL!
The Narkys chase off anyone who sees them for what they are, and anyone who may support you.
@@lindac6919 Exactly! I mean, my godmother was a good friend of the female person who raised me, and even my godmother, after a 30-plus-year friendship, managed to turn around and say 'enough' to the female person.
@@kryssysmith1486 I really love your profile pic thingie.
@@lindac6919 Thank you
The mask dropped and their eyes turned black. Their pupils were dilated with rage. I ran.
😂😂😂
Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her..
its difficult to let go of someone you love, i was in a similar situation, my relationship of 12 years ended, but i couldnt just let him go i did all i could to get him back, i had to seek the help of a spiritual counselor who helped me bring him back
Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach her?
Her name is Shelly renee white , and she is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked her up now online. impressive
They are not very nice 😢. And then I am the Scapegoated person at home. It doesn't seem yet to happen in public. It is in private. The mask comes off and I think his eyes sparkle😮😮.😮😮😮😮😮
they never do it in public, because of the shame. they know right, from wrong. shame is a big part of their mindset.
He is doing in public...in public, and behind your back.
This is all what’s happened in my family with the narcissists, and I’m expected to pretend nothing happened for the sake of the ‘family’ being together. I can’t and won’t put myself in harms way nor be blamed for their abusive behaviours. No idea how to navigate the holidays, but prioritizing my health and safety despite pressure from the enablers. It’s all so awful. But I matter too❤. Thank you Dr Ramani ❤
family. what a joke. i let them all self delete, one by one, over the past 18yrs. all im down to is my mom.
First, I find out if my Sister is going to attend. If she's spending Christmas Day sacrificing herself by being a Saint(ER Nurse) for the community, then I might visit my folks. I arrive late, and leave early. If she's going to be there, then I tell them I have other plans. Well...they're dead now. That's what I used to do.
One year I took myself on a skiing trip. All by myself, it was lovely.
I figure that people around them do see their true nature sometimes, but they won’t acknowledge it, for whatever reason. If they see what a monster the narc can be, they might not want to deal with that themselves & definitely won’t stand up for whoever the narc is hurting. I think fear of retaliation is a big factor in how these jerks control people & situations. I wish people would stand up for others more often & stand together against the narcissist
Sooo truuue! I cannot believe how many people actually SAW the behavior and yet turned a blind eye, and in some cases sided with the narcissist!!! It was definitely a wake up call and a realization that I needed to run from the whole toxic culture.
100% Risk vs reward
@@cassandraandrews6656 exactly! It’s very eye opening for sure! It’s still maddening that people just choose to believe obvious bullshit, even when the truth is right in front of everyone. It works for them in whatever way. Hopefully we can avoid this awfulness in the future.
@@michele0324 that definitely sums it up!
Without enablers, whom I believe are also narcissists, the chief narcissist would not get away with it. They choose to let you suffer either because they want to kiss up to the narc, or they don't want to be the target. So they are very happy to let you suffer .
In my experience, they don't really care (about their image) when the mask falls off by mistake. Same old same: they blame you/someone, they play the victim, or they lash out. They either trust that people will write it off as an out-of-character event (which is usually what happens) or move on and look for another crowd to buy into their delusion. Either way they don't seem to dwell on it. The narcissistic injury is dangerous to victims, not to the abuser.
@@christelleny wow! Well put!
@christelleny the ones down the street from me do care. They care so much as to be so mad at me that they've been trying everything they can to get rid of me, for the past 10 years.
@@RobSlopezJrworkplace Narc, i assume. Yes. That would be the lashing out part. As I said, it's dangerous for the victim. Not them.
@christelleny no, my neighbors. I literally mean get rid of me. They'd kill me if they thought they could get away with it. He's actually threatened my life before. When their threats of violence didn't work, they kept swatting me. The police used to believe them because it's an entire family vs. just me. Their word against mine. But my cameras save me, because they prove the neighbors are liars. The crazy thing is a couple of the family were supposed to be helping take care of this lady and were staying with her and then supposedly she committed suicide. I have a strong feeling that if they didn't actually kill her themselves, then they drove her to suicide. These people are pure evil 😈
@@RobSlopezJrSounds like a horrible situation. So sorry. Our homes should be our temple of peace. No one should have to deal with crazy neighbors, let alone crazy narcissistic ones.
Dr. Ramani, I love you ❤️ Thank you for helping me get through the narcissistic abuse.
Re: Calling emergency services when a narcissist is at risk of harming themselves or others - if it’s your intimate partner, get yourself and your children to safety first if possible before you make that call.
Murder/suicides are common in our culture.
When you leave them...is when they have nothing to lose, and they unalive you.
I think this advice is applicable to every type of relationship.
Its about revenge and your rejection of them. Not that they care about losing you.@@lindac6919
People calling them for control and power is also running rampant in society and can be a source of supply.
A song released in March Called Love me or Die, people stealing my voice recorder and some pizza and bam they're right back to the control, power and they got supply from it.
I really appreciate your information because I am really struggling. Being married for 22 years to someone in police work leading a double life really hurts. Affairs, an arrest , financial issues it’s an absolute nightmare. Thank you because I listen to you daily.
A perfect marriage or relationship is an illusion; there's no universal playbook for making them work. What's effective for one couple may not apply to another. Nevertheless, I've come to understand that there's always a solution to be found. Half a decade ago, my wife and I faced such trials in our marriage that divorce seemed inevitable. Yet, through perseverance and determination, we navigated through the rough waters and emerged stronger, reunited, and more resilient
There is a lot of sense in what you just said and I hope mine works the same way too, we are currently separated but I cant live without her, I love her so much. wish I can get her back I can do anything to have her back, we have tried therapy amongst other things
Its always difficult to let someone you love go, but in my case I had the help of a spiritual adviser who saved my marriage from collapsing her name is shelly renee white..
This is helpful, I will look her up online right now...Thanks.
You wont regret it
There's a vast difference in what Dr. RAMANI is talking about
This is such a great video Dr. Ramani! I had to laugh when I listened to your description on how the narcs reinvents themselves as a spiritual meditating saint 😂😂. On point and so funny! I cut all the trauma bonds with family a couple of years ago which I could litterally see in a moment of sudden revelation in the form of thick water houses attached with hooks into my flesh, a spiritual experience I will never forget and now I am free and can watch this part of my life as if it had been a movie or some sort of weird dream.
Yesterday I debated whether to call his psychiatrist....she gives him 90 Xanax every 30 days, 3 a day, he's 28, it's so sad. He takes 10 plus Xanax and gets so drunk he blacks out...way too much for me to handle...trying to get out safely...thank you Dr. RAMANI❤
LEAVE! best bet is to leave without him knowing. its not sad, its a conscious choice, how they conduct themselves. call to his head dr is a total waist of time. if tables were reversed, he would not give a sh it about you.
I second that. Leave as soon as you can and do it ninja style. Do not share your plans with anyone, and do not seek a last conversation for closure. I did it silently 3 years ago and it was the best.
And, it won't be easy, so discretion is very helpful.
Leave then call is MD. He's an addict.
Benzos mixed with alcohol is a very bad mix. They potentiate each other (exponential, not just one on top of another like MJ + alcohol). There is no good ending to combining those 2. I was using both 10 years ago and landed myself in a lot of trouble.
LEAVE NOW! Otherwise, he'll take you down with him. Reasoning with a drunk/drug addict is pointless.
In my case , I received a letter 3x a4. With only negative and aggressive text. I was smiling because her real face was shared. My response was “ I have read your message 3 times and closed with a smile. When this is your feeling is terrible and I will say goodbye because you are not earning this unhappy feeling. I wish you happiness with your new supply.” After that I blocked her and all related people. Next to that I deleted all pictures, Email and messages so I got a fresh start.
my hero! first thing i did was change my phone number to get my point across. i leave all relationships, narc/non narc alike with, "best of luck, with my replacement". its the final words that haunt them forever.
Dr Ramani thank you for all you do, you are a resource and you make my day with your kindness and wise truth, love you Dr Ramani for all the hurt you have helped me go thru
Thank you.. this healing journey is rough.. one day at a time.. I am a slayer.. they could not break me to bend to their bullshit.. I know who I am. And I saw who they really are. Divorce was final 2 weeks ago. No contact for 3 months now. It's great.
Absolutely tremendous DR Ramani, Thank you so much for this, You're a treasure to humanity, The mask comes off when you call them out and speak the truth then you become the enemy, Peace, love and respect to you and everyone, Thank you universe, All glory praise and smiles to the most high :-)
When the mask slips and they pop off in public, the shame that they feel afterwards means they will go out of their way to make sure you never again encounter the people who saw it (or at least, you’ll see them as little as possible). For me, that meant being isolated from family and a burgeoning friend group when we moved to a new area. Thankfully I am now free (3 months now!) and I moved back to my hometown to reconnect with friends and family. I’m only just beginning to understand how isolated I have been this whole time. Strength to everyone going through this, you can get out xxxxx
It makes absolute sense❤dr ramani
Powerful. Truly resonates with my experience with the ex narc in my life. When their mask slipped there was so much chaos, followed by depression, victimhood, blame shifting, and gaslighting. Glad I am free from that.
The day my ex’s mask slipped in front of my bother was the same day he laid in wait in our darkened home for me. By the grace of God I was able to run out to safety fast enough otherwise I’m certain I wouldn’t have survived (based on his previous and escalating abuse and major paranoia).
My only advice is listen to your instincts in these situations. It may be difference between life and death. ❤
I realised that after 18 years. Before that I didn't really know anything about NPD. Turned out I had first-hand experience going back nearly two decades.
Thanks for everything you do, you bring great insight. ❤
This just happened to me with someone I regretfully opened my heart to. It was so sudden and unexpected that it threw me for a loop. I’m still astonished that the person believes that what they said to me was acceptable. Healing once again from narcissistic whiplash. Where do they all come from!?!?
Thanks for illuminating the potential trajectories of a narcissist's splintered ego. Taking the step to seek outside assistance looms large and guilt/betrayal-inducing. I'm doing my best to remain rational and objective and kind.
My covert narcissistic grandmother is a bottomless pit of egoistic need. I’m moving out of her life next year. I went no contact with my mother last year, and I have limit contact with my aunt for now.
This shit is so spot on that it almost frightens me. 😭
When my narcissist sister died i didn't know what to mourn because i didn't know who she was ..she had so many faces its sad.
I know what you mean. I mourned my sister deeply, I tried to stay focused on the sweet little sister she was as a child 😢. But at the same time I was happy to be free of her coercive and corrosive influence. I wish I could have found a way to break free and learned about healthy boundaries before she passed and that she could have healed.
I got into huge chaos when I peeled their mask off. 😖😰😧
As a result, I got sick mentally and physically. But I almost recovered. 😊
and once you seen, what you seen, that was your q to leave.
@@yukio_saito I'm so glad your healing journey continues successfully!🌸
@@lilfairycupcake There aren't many places for an 8 year old child to go. I used to fantacize about living in the neighbors falling down shed that they never looked in, and breaking into the back doors of the neighbors, to get peanut butter and canned goods to live on.
But I never had the guts to do it. I couldn't figure out, how do I leave home, but still get to go to school? Someone would grab and force me back to my family.
I guess it's my own fault that I stuck it out for 10 more years?
@@lindac6919 8 and 18, are to very different things.
I am out of this relationship for several months now, but I still am watching so many videos, especially about Histrionic PD. I am continually amazed at how consistant her behavior was with what you describe. The rage outbursts, which made no sense at the time and the attention seeking in public was exactly as you described.
It still grieves me, knowing that she is more than likely still using. (She told me, "I need to quit").
I pray for her daily, because I saw a part of her that I like to think was her crying for help, but hanging on so tightly to her image.
the worst part of dealing with one, is not knowing. i found out totally by chance, several months after i kicked her to the curb, for good. the more you know, the more you understand. the more you understand just how toxic, hateful, they are, the more you should want to cut all ties with such a person. ultimately they will drag you down with them.
I always looked sad and stressed out in family pics. The narc always looked happy as can be.
Hi from england i have witnessed this but they are still clever at getting round it
Right on point with thiss assessment. I'm in a space where I am just done. The people in my lofe are showing true colors with my total lack of giving and caring after so many years of sacrificing myself.
I am happy to report, there are more good solid people than bad in my life and the 2 that I thought were draining me, well they were. But I'm not playing their crap no more.
over the past 18yrs, ive let pretty much everyone i know, self eliminate, one by one. disrespect me, rude, hateful, backstabbing, lie, connive, steal, whatever; i canceled their ticket on the spot. what ive come to find is, what makes them crazy, they no longer have any input about my life, who is/is not a part of it, what it consists of, bla bla bla... f them all.
I was five years old when I saw the demon behind the mask of the narcissist.
It was sheer horror to know that the person who had custody of me wanted me to die.
No child should ever be subjected to hatred like that.
hate is the basis of their entire fu ked up being, world. sincerely sorry you had to deal with such a negative thing. its always the weak they go after. the bs i was put threw actually made me a better person overall. the one negative trait i took away is, i have a very low bs tolerance.
@@AvaJulani you know to much. "a good thing". your correct, what they can, or think they get away with. they 100% know, exactly what they are doing. the weak, ignorant, narcs, whatever, always rely on others to fight their fights for them, aka cowards. ex narc gf decided she was going to pull the old call the cops on me thing. after i detailed what would happen to her, if she chose to do so, she quickly changed her mind.
@@lilfairycupcake I don't believe that about myself. I believe that I was a better person ALL THE TIME. And I continuted to reach for better, and better.
Narky influences had NOTHING to do with my betterment.
It's not the target's fault; they don't "attract" the Narky by being weak. Narky is a predator, like a lion. A lioness will choose a calf rather than a bull...but if there's no calf available, or if the calf is protected in the herd, then the lioness will up her game; sometimes she'll gather a hunting pack of Enablers and go for the bull.
@@AvaJulanii call that the old reversal trick. yup, im the crazy one alright. like ive said many times, biggest cowards on the planet, all you have to do is stand up to one, and they melt.
Outstanding. Thank you for your important work. ❤
Honestly, if narcs had any self reflection, they would realise that it all catches up to them eventually. And like the Doctor said, especially the older ones. Often, when they burn so many bridges, they will come back years later as if nothing has happened and try to re-connect talking about the "good ol-days" when in fact, you did have some fun with them but there were too many insults, too many lies, too many betrayals to let them back in. Bringing that up to them, is fruitless as they will always say "oh that was soo long ago..why even bring up the past", which is curious because in those "good ol-days" they will bring something up from the past, that was actually them just being a normal nice person and THAT is the only thing from the past that is dictated to be remembered, of course ..and you should thank them!!. All on their terms and their terms only. There are always two sets of rules for a narcissist. One for them, and one for them.
He is a COP & uses his badge as a way to meet unassuming vulnerable people to use for supply. He needs to be caught and have his badge taken away. Even drinks while on duty, cant pay the mortgage or bills or soccer camp for his son ( L.A ) or daughter's dance classes ( K.A ) but always has money for beer, vape, testosterone to shot up. These people need to be stopped. I was a victim of his abuse & moved out / no contact & am starting to feel so much better. let the new supply keep him busy just stay away from me.
Can relate so much it’s crazy and sick. Everyone gets manipulated.. except the target
The fact she can sumup smtg so complex is fantastic.
I’m tired of what’s been going on it’s not ok. It is public and crazy with a lot of people online whatever. They’re sick and don’t stop…
its not ok at all, actually its disgusting, but you might as well get used to it. narcissism is so prevalent, openly accepted, and even encouraged, in todays world, everything is based off of it, by 95% of the population. me me me mine, take from you, pretty much rules the roost.
@@lilfairycupcake not acceptable and no excuse for it. They need help
@@Smartbeautifulawesome help is something they will never get. if anything they will say, your the problem.
Thank you . Your explanation is so accurate.
What happens next? You ditch their ass and never look back. This time, there are witnesses. People who will finally realize you were telling the TRUTH. People who will help you, at least on the short term. That's all you need. This is your exit; take it.
Not that easy for everyone. Not always possible. Getting tired of hearing that advice. Of course we know we should get out. It's likely that's what most of us want. It's just not always possible.
It USED to be an exit sometimes. They USED to throw violent people in jail, at least overnight so you could grab your things and leave everything else that you built and worked for behind.
But these days, they bond out so fast, or they even get a signature bond right there at the police car. They never even get taken away.
@@Floridafanatic28 RIGHT??? As if we never thought of that. Duh.
Amen.thats what I did
Wowzers! Thank you! I am so grateful that the two different mask slips happened in front of trained professionals. And thank you for reminding me that the shame of such public displays may not be overcome. At all. Ever. I’m done trying to solve the unsolvable and grasping on to the romanticized false memory of our time together because it’s a façade. 😢🎉😊❤
He would do this no matter where we were and he got a bad AirBnB review. It would change the course of our day / night or multiple days. He'd always say "I never get bad reviews! Everyone loves my place! How could they! And they want their money back! No way! If I don't have perfect reviews people won't book anymore! I have to fight this!" This would be the ONLY topic for hours or days and eventually the people would get their money back, he'd write some ridiculous response blaming the renters. The longer I was with him, the more I realized he received more bad reviews than not. It was ridiculous the panic he'd go into! Thank you Dr. R! Now I understand why!!
I finally saw my mother for who she isn’t when I told her in person that I was going no contact. It was frightening to see what she really felt about me & I never saw her again although she played a lot of family games before she died a couple of years later. I didn’t attend her open casket funeral meant to get even more attention as well as cause problems for survivors & I felt nothing for her as a mom anymore, simply sorry for confirmation of my lifelong orphan status 💔❤️🩹♥️
Brilliant. "The Narcissistic ego is as fragile as spun sugar."
This is sooo accurate!
“Whisper hemp voice” 😂👍 thank you for making me laugh - needed on topics like this!
Thank you for this video Dr. Ramani, exactly what I needed to hear this morning.
❤
Thanks. It just seems that recently the ads have increased 2-3 fold. Maddening when one is listening and gaining insight and knowledge from Dr. R
My ex had her first mask off moment in public, following a light confrontation amongst friends about a boundary that was crossed. She blew up in a rant about how she can do whatever she wants regardless of how I feel. The next day was the discard, followed up by a pattern of avoidance, blame, relationship history re-write, her self portrayal of superiority and how I was given a chance I squandered, a complete 180 of just a few days before the mask off moment "I love you, i feel so safe with you, I want to be with you forever...". Funny, in a way, how these things unfold so...textbook like.
This exact situation happened to me except with a friend. I felt relieved in a way because all of the aggression had been passive aggressive for so long that nobody had seen it, so being in public I imagined that it the episode would work like a mirror for her to reflect. In actuality, no apology - damage control, lies, rumours, more passive hostility. I could see the terror in her partner's eyes that night as this happened in front of his friends. I couldn't even imagine what her partner is going through on a daily basis, I just hope he finds a way through like you have.
@@chimera788 A way through was found for me. Her discard, although difficult at the time, was a blessing in disguise. Better this now and a prolonged or worsened version in the future. With how things unfolded post breakup, I could pin point exactly which moments were, without question, what drew the conclusion that she was indeed a narcissist. There is always a certain level of doubt that remains, perhaps a way to protect oneself from the outcome of "she/he never loved me" or "none of this was real". There is no certainty that is more certain that we just weren't meant to be together and that this outcome was for the best.
I am so glad you have brought these issues in such a well explained light 😊
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, I needed to hear this today.
Thanks so much for all you are doing. I am in the final chapter of your book "It's Not You" on Audible. Really need to go back and listen to a few sections again, but having you here on UA-cam too really helps.
There are so many aspects I feel could deep dive into, but wouldn't know where to begin.
I've started to make a list of my favourite things and likes that during the narcissistic marriage situation I put to the side or changed or whatever.. trying to rediscover who I was and who I have become.
Thanks again.
Wow. Spot on!
I just wanted to say I finally got my copy of It's Not You! Thank you for all you do Dr. Ramani ❤️🙏🏿
When the narc has no introspection, "This is definitely someone else's fault."
😂😂😂 "somehow they can turn spiritual and meditation practices into gaslighting." Soooooo true.
I remember that time exactly because I studied what I was dealing with and finally called him out on his patterns and effects on all relationships involved. It was liberating!
Thank you in educating me ❤️
Trusting my intuition and meditating, allowing my triggers and fears to pass through, has made my discernment very strong when it comes to narcissists. Of course some of them are very good at manipulation but I’d say understanding that a narcissist is wearing a mask before it slips is a protection.
To be honest after I fully unmasked and woken up from my hypnotic state -as I like to call my 10 year relationship/marriage/child - of my covert narcissistic hell, I felt relieved although I couldn’t breathe, I felt empowered although I was vulnerable, I glowed although my rotten not real parts collapsed. But seriously, it is not a state that can be described but after you healed from it, you are the shit!!! You are free also to other kind of emotionally abusive relationships. Go for it, show everyone the king is naked!
My exwife and her new husband are accuseing me of driving around 4 diffrent counties and taking down their business signs
And to this day I haven't even seen or looked for one of their signs
and how much contact do you have with her? it should be 0 contact. you should not be giving a sh it what she thinks about anything. matter o fact, she should not exist in your life at all.
It makes them feel so important. My ex called out of the blue one day, and accused me of beating up his screen door and yanking it off the hinges. I hadn't been anywhere NEAR his house for ages. I told him that it must have been one of his other enemies.
( ...or he did it himself coming home drunk one night; and doesn't remember.)
It's crazy the amount of self importance and fanty world these kinds of people can dream up
@@jedjohnson9811 they exist in a totally different rhelm.
@@lindac6919 your mistake was answering.
Great pod cast.
For me, it began to be a pattern, over a lengthy course of time, that made me question what else I’d been missing.
Like when my mother’s work was in an art exhibition. When we went and she began introducing me under my original last name, from her first husband. I went into a corner, quietly sadly and worriedly pondering, if she had a psychological issue, a bit earlier than any natural decline. It wasn’t until later, that she said she didn’t want to introduce me as her daughter because, as I was in some of the work, it’s not a good thing to make it look like you were just photographing your kids. If she was that good at strategizing, it might’ve been good to tell me that, on the way to the exhibition.
There was the disagreement we had, about me being her ghost artist, correcting her work. That I’d never agreed to that, although I was happy to do it. That I hadn’t agreed to be hidden or have me and my own work be hidden or take a back seat, to make her feel better, that getting married had put an end to her work. But, I could tell by her demeanor, that she felt righteous, in using me and strategizing behind my back.
This, after I was the only person to care about her and her work, in the first place. It was this kind of stuff, that we’re the initial indicators, not of dementia. But of her narcissist mask slipping and revealing how she felt about me and what she intended for me. That she was to become one of the two worst enemies I ever had and my, now, former sister, would be the next.
ok but I LMAO at the "whisper hemp voice" because I have met too many people that pull that. just ew.
My mother's mask fell off at a critical time - with my father's enablement, and so they both got the permanent arse out of my life!!! And GOOD RIDDANCE!!
I went on a vacation with a friend, our first trip away. I started noticing how her behaviour was very self-absorbed, things I’d never picked up on before. Then one night she got an email which made her angry and she raged. I’d never experienced that before, and without thinking, I raised my voice and told her to ‘stop it !’ as she was becoming unhinged. Like an adult trying to reel a child back in. I was shocked at my own reaction (I never think it’s ok to speak like that to anyone) and weirdly my friend, returned to normal and acted like nothing had happened. I was left sitting there, thinking wtf. Their mask truly did fall.
This video literally describes every single detail of what happened with me and my narcissistic soon to be ex husband. The mask came off this last year and the fall out has been devastating.
Yep. All you have to do is inconvenience em a little, stress em out a little or prevent them from having something they want, then they will lose their shit. lol. If you do any of those things, you better take off the gloves and stick em up because they’ll be fixin to have it out with you. lol. Just like my “manager” at work 🙄. She drives me insane, and I often have to maintain my self-composure so I don’t tell her where to shove it.
💯 And if you value your job you know no matter how poorly you are treated by your manager you can only be professional in return.
They absolutely do this with 12 step programs!!!
I've seen 2 times where narcissistic masks slipped and it was unnerving...1 was a colleague who wasn't doing their part of a group project. When I confronted them I saw a look pass over their face (it was pretty scary, looked like rage) and then they quickly recovered and returned to smiling and trying to get away with their lack of work. The second was a therapist I had been seeing for several years before this happened: She shut down and was as cold as ice....when she finally recovered, she closed her eyes, put her hand on her chest, said "just a minute" and the look on her face completely shifted, like a shadow passed over her face...and her mask came back on. I didn't know about narcissism at either of these times. With the colleague, it wasn't a big deal because I wasn't close to that person. With the therapist, it resulted in a terrifying descent into post-trauma response, that 3 years later, I am still living with the effects of.
I believe you. I think it is a demonic spirit (energy) possession that breaks through. Scary to witness with your therapist though, thankfully you did see it to move on.
How do you do it, Dr Ramani? Every video I watch of yours finds new ways to validate my experiences and ease my burden.
My nex went to rehab for alcoholism, which she blames me for and takes zero responsibility for. And I knew it was for optics and to displace all responsibility from her. Especially as she continues to use therapy-speak against me and continues to behave in narcissistic ways. They will do anything to make their victims out to be the badguys.
Thank you so much!
My psychopathic father mask never fell off! Until he had the on start of dementia. Shoot I been raging today myself for good reasons. Knowing I did pick up on narc learned behaviors- but I don’t wear mask and I got no clue how to play the game. But still raging. Someone ask me how I am today I’ll probably say do you really want to know - lord have mercy! Yep I’ve seen the narc mask slip well heard about it at some party she was throwing. Glad someone else FINALLY saw it! I best drive this off.. no not speed either get on them there back roads . Peace out
You have a right to be angry & hurt. I would suggest therapy, versus getting behind a wheel.
Wishing you peace.
P.s. I finally went no contact with my mother after she said something cruel about my pet. I decided 60 + years of that toxic sludge was enough.
The Golden Child can step up & do some work for a change.
So true that they careen between charm and shocking cruelty. My experience was the cruelty always involved triangulating with another woman. The last time it happened, I heard the "penny drop". It was the proverbial camel back-breaking straw.
Thank you, thank you, Dr. Ramini! Every time I sit in on one of your presentations on this subject it gives me relief from the political stress, anxiety, and outrage I experience from the Republican nominated candidate for president and all his fawning and adoring supporters out there! --Including his pick for VP who has the same dysfunctional personality disorder (aka Narcissism). Thank you, thank you! I sometimes feel like I am losing my mind when I hear these Republicans talk, lie, and make up false narratives to uplift both themselves and discredit reality and denigrate others to the cheers and chortles of their crowds of loyal supporters. Although this is not a relationship per se, this political stress and disgust, it infringes upon all my values and beliefs about life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! And it causes me time and again to question myself, as the gaslighting begins, the downright abuse to all of US occurs, and the DISinformation spews its venomous stink all over US! And! The only way to rid ourselves of this narcissistic abusive relationship is to VOTE them ALL OUT!
My last narcissistic partner completely fell apart at one point and took such drastic actions to hurt themself, I threatened to call a 51-50 on them. After that day, part of me completely lost the ability to trust them. It was awful and I felt totally alone dealing with it.
best bet is to cut ties with it. it does not care about you at all, and i would return the favor. get used to being alone, if you choose to stay with it, things will never get better, but worse; guaranteed. its nothing but a continuous, down hill slide, and they are more than happy, to drag you down with them. its actually one of their goals to do so.
@@lilfairycupcake thank you. I fortunately got out of that a few years ago. Things are so much better now.
@@janetilmann5305 your welcome, and im very glad to hear that. smiles!
Their eyes without a face without the mask 😂
loved seeing both of my narcs mask slips. total panic, total breakdown, totally humiliated, shamed, and never felt so good about seeing someone hurt so bad, bringing it all upon themselves.
This week we went to see our grown son. Spouse fakes the kindness then when we get in the car, he won’t listen to me and slams the car door while I am talking. I wish he showed his true abusive self in front of my kids.
I just had to watch this video again because it helps to understand exactly what happened in various situations as my Ex's fragile Ego collapsed! He really did dangerous things after raging at me (like not to take his daily heart-medicine and drink whiskey, which he normally never did!). Once he wanted that I feel so bad that he sent me a picture of his full glass placed at the side of the empty bottle! I had no idea about gaslighting at that time and I felt so guilty about his pain that I came back. 😨
Wish you would speak on the narcs that are more passive aggressive and don’t show rage for the most part but sneakiness and manipulative deception. Thats what narcs in my life were like except for my father that did and still does have rage (at 91 years old) and would beat on us kids when we were little.
My mother's mask finally fell off - she finslly wrote me she resents me because my father (who i met only once) cheated on her.
She has been using me as her scapegoat for everything that ever went wrong with her life, for my whole life, and since I distanced myself from her, she is imploding without having anyone to blame for her horrible decisions 😂😂😂it is horrible to watch though, and even worse being on the receiving end, but totally deserved for her to be losing her mind
Thanks for this insight. Light bulb moment, he lost his prestigious job and discarded me. He went through the whole cluster B mix, grandiose, covert, borderline and psychotic through the divorce. Still self harming with copious alcohol and still playing the victim. He must be exhausted.
My husband divorced me during his narcissistic breakdown and a year later committed suicide. The dream woman he left me for, left him just 2 months into their marriage.
Whisper-hemp-voice. Love it!
Thank you Doctor Ramani.
What is really hard is when the mask comes off and other people see what's going on and finally give you that validation only to have the vulnerable narcissist play the "oh woe is me" game and these people that validated you are now saying how bad they feel for the narcissist and how we should offer more compassion. 🤦♀️🤦♀️
💯🎯
That's my mother to me about my d.v. nex!
The "depression" is the reason I stayed so long and put up with so much... Everyone was always out to get him, he was never responsible for anything, he was never happy for more than a few days, even after a new job / car / house / baby.
Ramani, I don't know why it happened but after watching this video I had the overwhelming urge to play "the Final Countdown" by the band Europe at full blast. I guess you have to enjoy the moments of respite whenever they occur.