ADHD: Sensitivity, Shame, and Self-Acceptance with Jessica McCabe | Being Well Podcast
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- Опубліковано 6 чер 2024
- ADHD is one of the most common - and most misunderstood - conditions out there, and today we’re setting the record straight with author and UA-camr Jessica McCabe. Jessica joins me to explore her journey with ADHD, dealing with common challenges like self-criticism, shame, and sensitivity, and how we can work with our unique brain, not against it.
About our Guest: Jessica McCabe is the creator of the popular UA-cam channel @HowtoADHD and author of the new book "How to ADHD: An Insider’s Guide to Working with Your Brain, Not Against It."
Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
1:10 Jessica’s history with ADHD, and how she wrote her book
7:20 Stigma, pride, self-criticism, and letting others help you
12:30 Dealing with shame
15:30 Self-advocacy, self-acceptance, and asking the right questions
25:30 Believing in your experience
27:40 Common misconceptions about ADHD
31:45 The relationship between ADHD and emotional sensitivity and regulation
36:20 Creating a sense of community
39:50 Advice for partners, family, and friends of people with ADHD
48:00 Recap
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30:43 You can't punish away ADHD. I wish my parents, teachers, and elementary school principal had heard that 40 years ago.
So true, you can't whip, spank, pinch or slap in the face it away 😢
I've so noticed (I'm ADHD, have 2 kiddos that are ADHD), and we are fine saying, "Hey, I need a break for lunch, or to go to the bathroom, etc." It truly underscores the fact that having needs is universal. Needing things that aren't typical is the rub l. I can't tell you how many hours I worked for free because I wasn't able to prioritize, organize, and set boundaries! I am 65 years old. Growing up, no one was discussing any of this!! I'm so grateful for this channel!!!
I cried watching this. Just turned 50 undiagnosed still. Went into a huge rejection spiral around my birthday and isolated for the whole month...
I got a diagnosis one year ago and this video was profound for me. Very emotional listen. So happy adhd is being better understood today!
WE OUT HERE
I'm finding u one day after finding Jessica and I can't type it LOUD🗣 enough to express how much I needed this validation🤯💯 It's brought me to tears💜 Everything said was/is ME!! My childhood, being corrected, called lazy and a brat and too sensitive😭A million therapists with no solitions or empathy. I struggle with depression, anxiety, severe insomnia, PTSD, and substance use to numb the big emotions and quiet the harassing thoughts, with no good support😣 I've felt misunderstood my entire life and I've forced myself into unbearable isolation, telling/lying to myself that I don't want or need people💔 But for the 1st time...I have a glimmer of hope for my future now that I've found How To ADHD and I'm excited to use these new tools to rewire my brain, to end the 39yr battle in my head that imprisoned me🥹 I no longer feel completely alone and broken🥲 I feel like I've arrived😊
Welcome to the new you! Your whole message touched my soul. I’m 42 and have finally spent the last few years learning how to deal with all of this. There is hope. So much of it. And your life WILL get better now. The more I understand, the better I talk to myself. I just celebrated 2 years without any psyche meds for depression, anxiety, ADHD, insomnia and stopped my addictions to escape myself. Life can be good even with all our struggles. And seeing the positives in ourselves is magic. You are not alone. Tysm for sharing your story. Your need for validation because that was everything to me too. Be patient with yourself as you learn. That’s one thing I wish I would’ve known when I found this knowledge and tribe. It takes time but we are absolutely capable of thriving. My life is proof. Much love to you. 💗🙏🏼 May you be led to everything you need to find fulfillment in life. You deserve it. We all do.
❤ from Norway, i am also recovering and are not som shameful.
I just finished Healing Your Inner Lost Child. I was diagnosed 10 years ago in my 40s. It was a great revelation that explained a LOT. But I've continued to respond to certain stressors with an immaturity that I have learned is related to childhood trauma. No, nothing huge, no acute incident, but the repeated skepticism and contempt. "Death by a 1000 paper cuts." It has been a lifesaver to heal that inner child, the misunderstood little one that didn't understand why they felt different inside.
Society thinks a "focus pill" solves everything. How little they comprehend.
Love Jessica! Our ADHD queen!
The discussion about consent with giving is one I keep having to have with my own kids; reminding them that helping is only helping if somebody wants you to do it. I love that you brought attention to this also! ☕️
This resonates with so much even at my age of 57. So many years without meds,, only at 47, I started. My childhood was tough in many aspects, with childhood trauma . That internal voice was so harsh from about first grade and on throughout my life. In the last 10 years I have learned so much about my diagnosis. I'm much better at being kind to myself but still struggle at times. I've chose to stay single, I was married for 23 years to someone that didn't understand or like my ADHD ways. I only needed one voice being disappointed in me. ❤
@mslisa551 pretty much the same at 59yrs.
As someone who may be undiagnosed who was in a relationship with someone who was diagnosed early, it was incredibly gratifying to hear that some of his complaints about my way of supporting would've have been further detrimental to our relationship. We're still friends and I feel like hearing this is going to help me support him in a way that works for both of us.
"These are my specs" are an awesome sentence. Thank you for that one :)
Thank you, Jessica for what you share at 28:00. (And here is your honorary Ph.D.) So-called 'ADHD' is not an Attention DEFICIT; it is Attention REGULATION Challenge! (Call it 'ARC'. And I hate the use of 'disorder' when, for most of us, it started out as a 'coping mechanism'. What helped us cope as little kids with a chaotic context (environment) is not a 'disorder'.)
Cheers!
- Richard
"Tomorrow's mastery begins with mental calm today."
Hi, thanks for your comment. I'm puzzled about your last sentence and would appreciate clarification. When you say, "It started as a "coping strategy " when we were kids . . . ", does "it" refer to ADHD, or do you mean certain behaviors or traits? I only got diagnosed because I learned a few things about it, and knew/realized/discovered that I met all the diagnostic criteria and more. So, I went to my GP at age 63, asked for the quick screening in her office, and told her I wanted to see a specialist for a more in-depth diagnosis and medication advice and supervision because I appeared to be struggling with just about all of the symptoms/manifestations and I knew that the vast majority of GPs know very little. I'm so glad I did that - what a difference the specialist has made in my world. My GP had told me that my insomnia and emotional dysregulation were not related to ADHD. The whole experience was like finding a key to a door that I really needed to go through. It explained everything about me and my life in retrospect. And I could finally forgive myself and realize that all of my 'shortcomings' and my inability to 'fit in' was not my fault. Rather, it was a neurological variation that developed very early in prenatal life. Thank you for your time.
@@katek4927 - Greetings, Kate. Thank you for your detailed reply and inquiry. I want to acknowledge you ASAP, and also let you know that your question deserves some thoughtful consideration. I will reply properly in a few days. Kind regards, - Rick
My partner and I both have ADHD, but different presentations/types. What works for one of us doesn't work for the other, so it's challenging. Definitely getting your book!
OMGGG!!!! THE MOST IMPORTANT COLLAB EVER!
You both are great!
Hello brains!
I'm so happy people are as excited for this as I was 😂
Thank you so much for this. Best crossover ever. Be Well, Brains!!!
Jessica. You so nailed it with the stapler story. At my last two jobs in industry, as an Engineer, I sat my bosses down when I started both jobs and told them flat out how I work best and what I needed from them. They ignored the input. This was long before my diagnosis of ADHD. I told them and they still did not give me what I asked for!! And what I asked for was not that unusual. I asked for guidance. Redirection from them if I was drilling down into too much detail or taking too long. Regular check-ins (short check-ins). Etc. Regular contact with them. I think that they thought it was childish and too much hand holding. They didn't do what I asked and I struggled mightily. I got stuff done but it was ALWAYS a huge struggle.
I think I would stand and cry (and I am not a person who cries easily), if anyone, even my wife, actually stopped and asked something like, "What can I do to make your life easier?" Or if they made a comment like, "I see you struggling to do the right thing." Especially in the realm of work and relationships. The two areas of the most amount of stress that I have.
And I would be so relieved if people actually believe and understand the ADHD I have. Even my wife...and if she actually read and investigated this so I could get the right support, etc.
Love you both! As well as Rick⭐️
I am so fortunate to have found you. I am learning at 64 how to use the tools and live a good life with ADHD and PTSD. Thanks for being out there for us. We’re listening❤
My spouse and I have been married almost 40 years. I was diagnosed last month. There has been a lot of frustration, tears, deep, dark spirals, joy, laughter, playfulness and growing up together. There were some things he (we really) found very important but I was just not able to keep track of so he just took it over. There is always gas in the car now. I ran out of gas multiple times. There is a secret key somewhere, because although I have developed systems I still sometimes lock them in the old car or lock myself out of the house. So without infantilizing he helps me out. If I feel like he is nagging I tell him so.
I just wanted to say this so people know that some help (as Jessica said, talk about it) is such a relief for both of you.
PLEASE if you have ADHD children, adapt to get through bad behavior, but most importantly, focus on making your kid feel wanted and like you're just thrilled to have them around. Always being mad, annoyed, or frustrated WILL make your kid mask, and make them feel unwanted and broken.
I'm only halfway through, but the story about Jessica's manager asking her what was going on made me cry. And realize some stuff about how I was raised is still impacting me now, even if it's not all that unusual a situation.
Which is huge. I'd never connected those dots. Thanks for this, you guys. Seriously.
oh my god. I was diagnosed with ADHD as an adult a good 4-5 years ago and I *still* struggle with thinking I'm somehow faking it. I've heard Jessica talk about it before, but I think with the rest of what you guys were talking about, it's hitting even harder. (Or I just need to go to bed 😅)
But I feel a lot more seen. And I think this video might help me on my journey with all this. So thanks again.
EDIT so I don't spam your notifications: I literally opened a notes app on my phone to write down the epiphanies I'm having while watching specifically because I've had epiphanies and completely forgotten them so so so many times. 😂 including ones literally related to my parents getting frustrated because I could concentrate on video games for hours at a time but not studying. Two decades later and it's still hitting me!
The stapler story made me cry.
Same! That one hit deep
I’ve known I’ve had adhd for about a year now and this discussion was super super helpful. I’ve had so many of these experiences throughout my life and it’s great to hear tips for managing these symptoms instead of blaming myself.
Wow! Love this interview Forrest and Jessica. The example of being a waitress made me laugh because you could have been describing me. So right if diagnosed with ADHD it's usually - pills and off you go. The challenges we ADHDers face is pretty much unknown. People have a preconceived idea about ADHD children jumping off furniture and being totally out of control. When my six year old son, 28 years ago was diagnosed, I was stunned because he was nothing like those children, never did I imagine he had ADHD. This led me to being diagnosed with ADHD at the same time.. Yes, the meds help but, it's the understanding of the condition and ways to combat them is essential for life. I've just bought the book via audible. Thanks for your voice Jessica.
My sister just got diagnosed recently with ADHD and I feel that I have ADHD as well. I’ve always had big emotions and always seemed to overreact when something sad or scary happened. I just learnt to go somewhere private and cry then come back and continue what I was doing before and not talk about it. I felt sensitive and stressed out easily because of school. I’m a perfectionist and I’ve gotten better at regulating but it took time and I had to do it on my own. I feel for those with big emotions like me. Music and prayer has helped me but I feel like there needs to be more support for young people with big overwhelming emotions and teachers need to be taught to counsel children and talk to the parents about getting a diagnosis for the kids they teach.
Omg! One of my favorite channels with a new fav channel I found a year ago. Love the collab. Haven't even watched it yet, didn't even know I wanted one either 😂❤
I Love Jessica's book it's full of practical advice for ADHD struggles but, I particularly like a side of from reading it. Which is being able to better communicate my needs to others. There isn't enough room here to discribe the difficultly of trying to tell some else what's going on or how I they could help, when I didn't even know what words to use!
Very excited to see this guest on your show. Thanks for focussing attention on ADHD. 😜
The youtube algorithm took 2 months to show this to me?! Great interview!
Oh, my, never clicked so fast. What a pairing. Thank you!
I feel seen. Thank you.
This interview broke my heart open and filled my cup at the same time. Thank you so much for doing this Forrest and Jessica!
Thank you so much for loving your partner well Forrest. It gives me hope that men who are willing to work on understanding exist.
this video is so informative and explains so much. i also struggle with internal ableism and I am trying to learn skills for managing my ADHD.
For the uk, it was CFT where i learned about the compassionate voice (coach b) teachings, CBT was not so useful 😊
Thank you! So validating to one who 4 years ago stumbled on a brutally honest video & finally became fully aware of what is going on in my ADHD brain besides simply focusing, I've been on similar path/journey of grief, radical acceptance, finding solutions along the way, shedding neurotypical goals and heroes to figure out how I can enjoy MY life MY way. From feeling broken beyond repair with decades of proof-positive experiences to verify my brokenness... to finding the creative artist within and not stepping one foot forward in a feeling of 'stuck/stress' until I could rethink and come up with a better solution to move... putting my emotional dysregulation as a number one red flag to STOP and rethink.... it's been an incredibly rewarding path to be on FINALLY!
Forest, I'm so lucky you are dating a beautiful soul with ADHD as your ahas and insights heal my own wounds from neurotypicals I respected, unintentionally and even justifiably deserved based on behavior alone. Hell, I could see it and beat myself up so the wounds were doubled...on top of my own.... THANK YOU! 😊
Hello brainssss!!!!
I used to be a waitress (undiagnosed back then) & I was on fire quick at 3am. People would ask me how I do it. I seem to be able to concentrate when I'm exhausted. Today it's more like I skip straight to fatigue without the functional part first.
having a parent say "everyone is like that" as a response instead of simply being Believed and helped that I have issues.
Also shown how to do things with a coach B who cares enough to ask "what can help you?"
Also if I do have ADHD it's the quiet form.
The work story. I often was a closer. I was usually the slowest person for tasks like that. The one job I worked at I would punch out and then keep working. I needed a bit more time because I cared about how things were done or I had more clean up or things to get to that I didn't get to earlier in the day and I would do that so that I could get it all done. I also had a lot of timing issues to over come and knowing what expectations were clearly helped a ton. I knew that my prep work needed some after lunch not before because I needed the time to get my stuff done for that meal time and could do the future prep later. I would pair things together and actually developed systems based off of what was needed. I became a fantastic employee everywhere I have worked. But I also have made some. Mistakes or had a bigger learning curve on certain tasks/ time management. My people skills were always great though.
I really appreciate you for making such a great video. Ur summary at the end of the video was awesome.just Recently I find out that I have ADHD and it actually opened a new window to my life bcz I understood The main reason behind many of my problems was that and of course I understood that I wasn't lazy or irresponsible. I was just different. Knowing it is really relieving.
that was BRILLIANT. Thankyou Thankyou Thankyou
Hello Brains!!
Thank you, Forrest - I just watched this excellent podcast (twice) - and it was wonderful. I actually follow Jessica's channel and from there I saw she had appeared here with you. This was so timely because I will be starting my assessment today! I have waited so long for this to happen, literally decades. I'm 67 now and only recently realized that I "wear" most of the associated symptoms and they fit like a glove!! I also look forward to hearing about Elizabeth's own journey with ADHD. Again, "Thank You".
This choked me up, I felt this so deeply. Caught me by surprise 24:28
I loved this video and I love Jessica’s videos!
Love this! Thankyou both, I'll be following this more. At 57 i did just an online test and found to be quite high on the adhd scale, but undeniably too! It all made so much sense to me now. I thought it was a sagitarian thing of mine, to start many jobs and hop between them lol! Its come out more for me now as i have ptsd from losing my husband 3 yrs ago while moving country & medical neglect. This is so helpful as i rebuild myself & heal 🙏
Another great video! Thank you for going more in-depth about the relationship part of this. If I can think ahead a little bit, I can deal with stuff easier.
This is so helpful, thank you. Hi Jessica!
Amazingly helpful episode!
Really enjoyed this episode
This brought me to tears. What an insightful convo. This really helped me understand a lot of what I’ve been experiencing particularly my sensitivity!
And emotional regulation! Omg
Wow- such an incredible interview with poignant insights!!
Imagine having a brain that's like a superhero sidekick - it's always on the go, spinning plates, and juggling chainsaws (metaphorically, of course... or is it?). That's what it's like to have ADHD!
thank you very much!
Our family discovered that our ADHD/Autistic behaviours were a result of Mould Exposure/Mould illness. Now we are getting better.
For people with ADHD, how do you deal with other people with ADHD when their behavior affects you? When they don't keep promises? Do you like it when people forget things that are important to you? How do you feel when someone lets you down when you agreed on something? What does it feel like when someone flakes on you? How do you handle it when you don't feel heard or understood because the other person can't sustain attention to your feelings?
❤ I'm not done with the video yet, but OMG I've cried a few times already because y'all said things that made me feel SO SEEN! Things I've never thought were connected to my ADHD... My God. 😫🥲
Same!!
Thank you for reminding me ..do I want to get it done or get supprot
24:42 Oh yes, accommodations can help so much. I also wonder if your manager could have sat down with you at the end of the night and help you go through your receipts. Body doubling style. :) But maybe that would have been a bridge too far? At least at that point? Anyhow, very inspiring!
My adhd fiancé is a valet and he’s asked for accommodations or even just supplies needed to do the job and his company won’t do anything they don’t want to pay extra for even if it would help in the long run. He’s not even allowed to wear sunglasses or a winter jacket or even running shoes even though they are required to run to and from cars. Changing jobs also has its challenges.any tips?
Ok so if you guys have any suggestions I will gladly take them.
So I have asked for help but when my teacher gives me something to read at home and ancer questions on I feel like I can do them at school and then I get home and start to do them and don't have the mentle energy to do them and it is like I have a huge burnout.
But I can do my math homework with ease and I have always had issues with reading and rembering what I am reading.
Please help
Agen I have asked for help from my teacher's and nothing has changed
One of the things that helps my daughter is underlining key points while she is reading. If you cannot underline in the textbook, perhaps you could try jotting down only the keywords, definitions, dates, or key points on a separate sheet of paper to use when answering questions later. This will also help you be a better note-taker for greater academic success. Hope this helps 🙏🏾💚
Thank you I will try that!!!
Also investigate text to speech apps - if the teacher could send you a text file - you could use an app and listen to the information as well as read it. Good luck - I hope this helps.
23:35 - This is the first I've heard the term "Set shifting". Normally I would have just called this "task switching". Is there a difference?
Good question, after a little poking around my understanding is that they're basically synonyms.
I wish I had two heads, mann how much more stuf good I get done?
😂 And ADHD is alive and well so much random hello brains.
I. Am Carl Brain.
you can leave the milk I will empty it(or buy a new one)
damn all those conversations,self talks that are not productive, why!...