Did The Dumper Give Up?
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- Опубліковано 21 лип 2024
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#selflove #nocontact #dating #howtogetyourexback #thelovechat
No Contact, Rebound Relationships, Dating Advice, Love Advice, The Love Chat, Intrusive Thoughts, Mental Health, Casual Dating, Anhedonia, no contact rule, Limiting Beliefs, How to Overcome Limiting Beliefs, Fearful avoidant, Anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, no contact - Навчання та стиль
This all resonated with my situation. So creepily accurate. We broke up in January - it's been 5 months and he hasn't 'come back'. We still have each other on social media so it's not been a messy break up, but it's still quite sad. I do miss him immensely.
Funnily enough, I had this realisation of his perspective a little while ago and totally understood that he felt he wasn't happy and why this was the case. Sometimes, we can see our flaws in the moment but don't actually know how to address them. This lead me to self-blaming entirely, but after time passed I slowly started to realise that yes whilst I have some of my own flaws, I also wasn't having my needs met and this lead me to 'act out'. Eventually, you take the blame entirely off yourself and see things from a clearer perspective and it is SO FREEING. I hope this helps somebody at the beginning of a break up (it gets better!).
In this time, I've been in therapy, learnt a heap about myself, about childhood's impact on relationships, on attachment style and on how to effectively communicate. I noticed when we did speak slightly on text after, he was a bit frustrated that it took 'this long' for me to finally make these advancements, but at the end of the day, I have actually BEEN the one to take these steps forward - and he didn't take any responsibility and therefore didn't grow immensely like I have. Just because I admitted my flaws, doesn't mean I was the only one with flaws - I just had the balls to admit it.
It's true though - thinking from the dumper's perspective allows you to be introspective and grow like never before. I now know I'm super capable of a fantastic healthy relationship, as I was already a good partner before. Guys, I literally kept a love journal for him, and he didn't even believe it... let alone organise any dates for me in the relationship unless I nagged for it... ouchies.
I guess the part that hurts is when my ex-partner didn't want to see things from that growth mindset perspective, and instead a fixed one - e.g. calling my attachment style 'my personality' when that is actually completely false and hurtful. We can't force someone to be reflective like us and I'm assuming this is a strong part of the reason why we haven't spoken in months. Really sad but nothing I can do, because I already did everything I could and put all my cards on the table. :)
This could have been written by me. 👏🏿👏🏿. Through my various heartbreaks, I learnt things get better and life does get better. Every new relationship has shown me how much I have grown and made better decisions each time.
I'm curious how long you were with the guy and what were his reasons for dumping you?
What's a Love Journal?
@@dr.options As in just like a diary I kept in our relationship writing entires in across it. The intention is to give it to your partner on a special anniversary but we broke up, so I just gave it to him so it didn't go to waste
@@combatcarl780 Just over a year. Reasons for dumping me were that I would pick fights out of nothing and they would only end unless someone broke down emotionally, and that I was over-communicative. (we never fought in person, only over text or the phone).
I can now see that it actually wasn't all on me and that it was down to:
- poor communication on text (and mostly poor on his behalf actually)
- my needs not being met (didn't organise dates, didn't say words of affirmation, hardly physical touch anymore)
- his needs being alone time away from me triggering my anxious attachment style
Long story short - we never actually 'fought' in person, it was just a series of drawn-out text exchanges with no tone and emotion that would just spiral. He broke up with me on FaceTime and yeah that was it!
What about when your partner doesn't communicate their needs but breaks up anyway? If she had voiced her concerns and spoke her mind on what was bothering her, I would've done something about it.
That's some what why I don't fully agree with the video. Not everyone communicates their needs in a relationship. They often use subtle cues to say something, rather than being direct. It makes it difficult to really empathize with the dumper IF they were feeling that when they fail to communicate that. At the same time, if you go as far as communicating your needs and they weren't heard, but you heard theirs and they still broke up with you, in the end, it remains the dumper's fault. Just don't use it to alleviate guilt on your end. You can still use the situation as improvement and remain not speaking to them after the break up until they reach out. Note: speaking from my experience. Yours might be the same.
@basedenoch 100% agreed. He barely communicated his needs directly. Anytime he did so, I would correct my behaviour. Then turns out he had a full list of needs I wasn't meeting that he never communicated until the break up. When it came to my needs, "it's too hard" "It feels unnatural to give words of affirmation". There was a lot unsaid from him that was totally fixable.
You are right. This is exactly what I was thinking last time I left a relationship
Sending love and support to everyone ❤️
This is exactly my current situation. But regardless NC and personal growth and development 💯✌️. Much love from this side Rory😚
Probably my favorite video of yours. Hits like a sledge hammer to my gut. Describes my situation to a “t”. All of her pleas were there, I didn’t hear them until it was too late. 1 month post BU and I’m seeing a lot clearer now. Thanks for this.
Also, congratulations on the new member of the family! Hope everyone is happy and healthy.
After communicating every small need and the bare minimum that I expect from my significant other, all I got was apologies with no changed behavior and empty promises. I waited for months and months and finally, I had no option other than to break up.
If you're looking for more support we have opened our Discord Community. Here is the link: discord.gg/KUCeXX3uzS
With my break up, there was no communication from the dumpers end. We had a disagreement and I communicated my feelings then asked for a day of space. They said that made them lose feelings for me because they were “reminded of their ex” when I asked for space. They just stayed in the relationship for over a month until I found out they were ranting about me on a secret social media account. I told them I wasn’t ok with that and wanted to work on things but they just said they didn’t want to grow.
Quality content as per usual
There’s also the aftermath of the break up. The dumper sees their former partner make all these improvements AFTER the end of the relationship. Then the dumper thinks “Why are they doing this now we’re no longer together? Why couldn’t they have been like that with me?”
Why's that?
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My dumper internalized some issues and never communicated. Like a dictator she unilaterally took the decision to break up. I requested her to know why, I got what I needed to change after the break up. I made those changes and she blamed it on me saying that I changed only after she left me. But the truth is she never communicated. So, I shouldn't be in all this pain.
Ah! My favorite relationalist spaceship... relationship specialist!
Everything you said was on point exactly right but one thing I wanted to addressed is what about their peers n friends do they have a say n influence in their decision is they want to work things out and come back to the person they dump because my ex the dumper did say she once thought bout coming back but her friend tell her no which she is our coworker and oh yeah can you make a video bout should you date a coworker?
This is soooo true. Wow. My ex told me EVERYTHING you said in this video but unfortunately I was in too much pain to understand it. 2 months NC now.
update??
Rory, you and I had a chat last week in which you pointed out that a lot of the issues that came up in my relationship/breakup were the result of my partner’s unresolved issues from their last relationship (I liked to have a beer after work, they decided that was an issue because their ex before me had been a heavy drinker and got into an accident).
We had kind of ended on the note that those were her issues that she needs to work through and changing my behavior (not drinking) wasn’t going to resolve the issues for her. In retrospect, I see she did what she felt she needed to but just in my case I believe it’s her behavior/unresolved issues that caused the breakup, not necessarily anything I did (even though what I did caused her to feel disrespected).
I’d love to see a video or have a condensed version of your thoughts on when a dumper leaves because of their own stuff, not the dumpee.
It''s a pretty good sign that things weren't meant to be with her when she was triggered by you simply drinking a beer after work. Obviously, your refusal to give up the beer in spite of it obviously triggering was pretty telling, too. Neither of you were open to compromise....sounds like the perfect recipe for a relationship with no future. Good luck in your future attempts.
I posted a comment before listening to the full video, even though Rory specifically advised against it 😎 #ThugLife
this is exactly my second break up last month 😢😢
What if you notice the triggers in yourself which cause the build up in arguments and start going in therapy but he breaks up right after that? 😮 i feel like he was not even willing to stay to see me and the relationship improve
What happens when the dumper changes 180 degrees within a week and becomes cold then breaks up with you? Felt like I was in a toxic relationship as a result of this, felt invalidated when I expressed my feelings related to being given the cold shoulder. The person was completely different from the person I had known for the previous 3 months. She would make comments and interject herself in my family relationship with my father which seemed to be overstepping of boundaries in my view. She was a divorcee married to an alcoholic, which should’ve been a red flag, I know I have to be more assertive and am doing EMDR to get through it. I am living with my father to provide emotional caregiving among other things after my mother died 3 years ago and planning on saving money for a house in this insane market. My father is religious and that was an issue for her as well despite the fact that these issues were never broadcast to me. Didn’t beg or plead at the breakup. Haven’t contacted her in over 2 months. I miss her but with distance and therapy the pain has subsided from the initial shock. I hate to say someone is toxic because it’s cliche at this point but I’m starting to see issues that I looked the other way on, and I have to work on things in that regard. I felt like I had to mind read at the end which is not healthy.
Sounds like she's a vulnerable narcissist.
She dumped you because you were simping. And she already had a new guy. Probably cheating on you. See this a thousand times.
You're soooo much better off without her. Actually, your value as a mate will go up exponentially when you get a house. You're better off waiting. Of course, you're better off single forever. We all are. But if you decide to get stupid and marry someday, get a prenup!!
@@mikey92362 dont take this dude too seriously^or else you'll be alone forever, anyways, nah bro she had issues and was lowkey taking advantage of your feelings. Yous a beautiful person and you gotta find someone who values that, dont simp for someone who does shit like that for you, be a lil more cutthroat with your kindness
can you make a video ab why they on dating app after a short time , are they move on already ?
Dumper is not always mean they go thru alot of pain its just that things isnt working anymore no matter how weve tried..i love that person but u cant hold on to someone you love if they are not willing to compromise .i love your take on this ,i just hear dumper as a villain in online platforms thats not really the case thou...Truth is dumper are more miserable than dumpee but at some point they have to let go to have that chance to be both happy and see things in diferent perspective.
Genuinely wish this video applied to me. It would make the self discovery journey a bit easier on my end. In my situation my partner left me because they believe I deserve someone better. Upon further psychological studying I've come to the conclusion that they are dealing with mental problems. They have been dealing with those issues 2 months after the relationship due to personal reasons out of my control. I was the one in the relationship pointing out issues on their end and would try communicating with them to learn their needs when they were getting distant. I wouldn't chase them, I'd give them the space when they needed it. They were the distant avoidance type of style which I didn't learn until after the relationship. I'm sure they left me because they felt like they couldn't meet my expectations and needs. I'll admit my anxiety would get the best of me and I would over react over things I shouldn't have. So I'm learning to control / reduce it. I guess in my situation it really is a "It's not you it's me" type of situation. In our last conversation they couldn’t stop repeating that, and they would tell me not to blame myself, but I just can't help but feel like I'm to blame. We've been in no contact for 2 months now and I honestly do not have any expectations for them to come back.
They weren't exactly being cold by the end of it, they'd still show affection but not as much as before. The only cold shoulder I'd get would be when I'd ask to call at night and they'd tell me "maybe" or "I'll let you know". Though before the breakup we didn't message eachother for 2 weeks since they didn't respond to my message. I assumed they wanted a mental break but they instead came back just to leave me permanently.
I was definitely the anxious type. I would text them often, tell them how much I'd love them, buy them gifts, do cheesy things, and etc. I'd always worry I was doing to much and I'd tell them to let me know that if it feels like I'm doing too much to let me know, but they would always tell me how it isn't an issue and they love and appreciate it even at the end. Yet I can't help but feel like that was a lie.
@@lazynblu Sup man, how are you 2 doing now? And how are you?
My dumper did give up I haven't heard from him in a month but that's OK I found someone better :)
This happened to me. I realized watching these videos (and Coach Craig Kenneth's) that I likely have an anxious attachment style. I was doing things like saying "I love you" all the time, texting her every day and other things (though I was not jealous). She would tell me about it, maybe I'd clean it up but then I'd fall back into old habits. Then what Rory said basically happened, she grew distant, asked for a break, then broke up with me about 6 weeks ago now. And you know what. My ex-GF is right. I totally get it. I pushed her away and lost her. I hope to get her back, I really do. I'm in no contact and I'm going to start therapy, I'm going to the gym, I joined a Martial Arts class (which I hope helps my confidence issues in relationships) and I'm volunteering at the SPCA, trying to meet new people. I've managed not to beg/plead since our break up, and I have not stalked her (though I am guilty of looking at her Facebook page--though I'm staying away from stories). Thankfully she has not unfriended me or blocked me (nor have I given her reason to, I am trying to give her space and leave her alone). I truly hope she reaches out to me again someday. Watching these videos, along with Coach Craig and Coach Lee too, have been a big help. Those 3 channels really have the best information IMO. But I also hope, as difficult as it is to say, that she doesn't reach out to me until I have made the changes within myself so I don't make the same mistakes again. I miss my girl like crazy, it hurts. It hurts bad, even 6 weeks later. But when she comes back to me I want to be a better partner for her so that I don't chase her away again. It's hard enough losing her once. I don't want to lose her again because I didn't do the work. As Coach Craig always says, no contact is not enough. You HAVE to do the work. And as Coach Lee says a lot, you don't have to get her back....today. There is time. Do no contact and do the work.
Keep us updated please.
Im in the exact fucking situation... broke for about 1 week now because i pushed her away. We talked in real life 3 days ago and it went pretty okay, but she went partying last saturday while she never parties and gets drunk. I just hope nothing weird happened because my anxiety and my brain will create the worst situations in my head. Lemme know how you are doing now.
@@motoshot8493 I'm doing ok now. I started getting over my ex about mid July. If my ex were to contact me I'd still talk to her. See what's up. But I really don't expect her too at this point. I have not heard from her at all. I'm ok with that. If she does, fine, we'll see what happens, if not, I'm ok with that too. It's hard I know. For those 2 to 3 months before I started getting over her was some of the hardest months of my life. I wasn't eating much, had trouble sleeping. I couldn't stop thinking about her and what she was doing. I started therapy around that time and that was a big help. I also tried to get involved with things. No contact is almost always the way to go, though I know that's tough. I've heard plenty of success stories where an ex has reached out. Sometimes, like in my case, it doesn't. But it will get better in time. Just don't let people talk you into things you're not ready for. I had people telling me I just had to start dating again, that would help me get over her. That wasn't helpful (though I know they meant well). You will when the time is right. Give yourself time to heal. There's nothing wrong with that. Talk to a therapist if you need. And work on any issues you think you may have had. That way if she contacts you, you will be an improved version of yourself. If not, it'll help you move on eventually and you'll be able to wow the next person. It will be tough until either of those things happen. But stay strong. It will get better, I promise.
Yes she did! 😒
Hit the fucking like button
The dumper cheated while in the relationship then marry the other person the dumpee was faithful
So Rory,do they change or it's a temporary change so dumper don't leave, so if the dumper has this fear that the dumpee's change is may be for week or month..isn't that true or is that true...can fear change people..i read somewhere ..Good Man obey by love & Bad Man obey by fear. I dunno if you got my question..please let me know.Can fear of loss change someone forever?