The Machine - Bert Kreischer: THE MACHINE

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  • Опубліковано 27 гру 2016
  • This is the story about the time I robbed a train in Russia with the Russian Mafia.
    Go to TheMachine.Movie for updates about #THEMACHINEMOVIE
    SUBSCRIBE so you never miss a video bit.ly/3DC1ICg
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    #bertkreischer #themachine #russia
  • Фільми й анімація

КОМЕНТАРІ • 21 тис.

  • @jeffery9543
    @jeffery9543 3 роки тому +6971

    Florida man takes school trip to Russia and joins the Russian mafia and ends up becoming local legend, despite not knowing Russian.

    • @KevinSmith-gu9ks
      @KevinSmith-gu9ks 3 роки тому +134

      That’s how we Floridians roll

    • @terra_the_nightingale135
      @terra_the_nightingale135 3 роки тому +73

      @@KevinSmith-gu9ks next time one of us will try to sneak in a gator

    • @ninjarebangbang
      @ninjarebangbang 3 роки тому +45

      I could believe that headline honestly

    • @andreymontag
      @andreymontag 3 роки тому +50

      It's a common knowledge in Russia that enough vodka breaks the language barriers

    • @KevinSmith-gu9ks
      @KevinSmith-gu9ks 3 роки тому +8

      @@terra_the_nightingale135 nah try and nab the elusive Florida man!

  • @SavageDragon999
    @SavageDragon999 5 років тому +10699

    Speech: 1
    Charisma: 100
    Luck: 100

    • @justajumpingypsygirl
      @justajumpingypsygirl 5 років тому +479

      If you read Russian fairytales they are never about a hero who is clever or brave. It is always some man who coasts by on his luck and the help of those who are smarter and willing to help.

    • @davebuchan81
      @davebuchan81 5 років тому +146

      @@justajumpingypsygirl Ok, I'm going to Russia. Wish me luck lol.

    • @anthonytarczynski5423
      @anthonytarczynski5423 5 років тому +75

      Hotel: Trivago

    • @justajumpingypsygirl
      @justajumpingypsygirl 5 років тому +28

      @@davebuchan81 I wish you neither fur nor feather (their equivalent of break a leg)

    • @james-ud9lp
      @james-ud9lp 5 років тому +15

      Goes to show that you don't need ranks in combat if you have charisma

  • @guitarneverdies99
    @guitarneverdies99 Рік тому +2326

    7 years and 50 million views later and it's now a movie! Congrats Bart krishneil

  • @freewiremedia215
    @freewiremedia215 Рік тому +502

    I took Russian in college for 4 semesters, I actually did learn a little bit. I had a classmate who went on a trip there, he said he got robbed by some little kids with a gun for cigarettes, and $5 and then afterwards they smoked the cigs they stole from him with him 😂 Then he and a friend got picked up by the police for pissing in the street, got put in the cop car and the cop was just like “meh each of you give me $20.” Then they drank vodka in the patrol car and the cop passed out. Sounds like an interesting place.

    • @yourfriendlyinternetmeatshield
      @yourfriendlyinternetmeatshield 7 місяців тому +12

      The morale of the story: sounds like an interesting place.
      Sweeeeeeet

    • @Avast3128
      @Avast3128 7 місяців тому

      Sounds like bullshit, tbh

    • @madmultiface4656
      @madmultiface4656 7 місяців тому +4

      Russia is a really interesting place to visit. Come to us)

    • @nicnic8182
      @nicnic8182 5 місяців тому +5

      yes, and then they went to the bears to refuel a nuclear reactor, and of course they played the balalaika along the way. This is exactly what usually happens with us.

    • @someguy9607
      @someguy9607 5 місяців тому

      yes, it was. now it is a much shitty place - the police will just rob you, probably even fuck, you never know for sure, the mafia doesn't exist anymore, at leasе outside the perimeter of Kremlin, only Lenin still so fresh and so clean

  • @robjgolde3221
    @robjgolde3221 4 роки тому +9028

    “When I was 22 I got involved with the Russian mafia. Here’s how it happened....”- that, my friends, is how you start a story.

    • @MM-pt9oz
      @MM-pt9oz 4 роки тому +124

      That is how you start, continue and finish a story. Man has a real gift at telling a story

    • @OrlandoMGarcia
      @OrlandoMGarcia 4 роки тому +29

      welcome to my TED talk

    • @constancemiller3753
      @constancemiller3753 4 роки тому +3

      And that's how he began his senior thesis for the Liberal Arts Teacher. Natch.

    • @GaijinGuy36
      @GaijinGuy36 4 роки тому +2

      Almost as good as "No shit, there I was..."

    • @MalloryNewcomb
      @MalloryNewcomb 4 роки тому +1

      I distinctly remember the first time I watched this three or four years ago & as my memory faded, I mainly just remembered that opening. It was brilliant and people started cheering. It became my new standard for good crowd response

  • @CoRLex-jh5vx
    @CoRLex-jh5vx 5 років тому +8583

    "Never learned a word"
    *but you learned the ones that mattered.*

  • @Thenewguytcs
    @Thenewguytcs Рік тому +139

    I think the fact that this is getting turned into a movie/having a sequel made of it is fucking awesome... This is gonna be a lotta fun...

    • @supacwatkins3038
      @supacwatkins3038 2 місяці тому

      I just watched it last night. I was cracking up the whole time 😂

  • @invisibl3enemy
    @invisibl3enemy Рік тому +202

    The fact that this story is being made into a feature film, is just amazing.

    • @anshuuu9708
      @anshuuu9708 Рік тому +3

      What?? Really

    • @invisibl3enemy
      @invisibl3enemy Рік тому

      @@anshuuu9708 yeah bro search "The Machine" red band trailer. Looks amazing 😂

    • @bigbird4481
      @bigbird4481 Рік тому +2

      ​@@invisibl3enemy I didn't know about this special until I saw a trailer lol

    • @Fiveash-Art
      @Fiveash-Art Рік тому +14

      It'll be just as bad as this stand up.

    • @yeehaw3792
      @yeehaw3792 Рік тому +2

      Is it really "amazing" though?

  • @crimsonwolf1982
    @crimsonwolf1982 4 роки тому +7088

    All made sense when he said "I went to school at Florida State"

    • @AxxLAfriku
      @AxxLAfriku 4 роки тому +23

      This is super confusing to me: Why do I have TWO amazingly attractive girlfriends even though I am the unprettiest UA-camr EVER? Good night dear wolf

    • @maoutan945
      @maoutan945 4 роки тому +55

      @@AxxLAfriku bruh

    • @AMG-316
      @AMG-316 4 роки тому +2

      Bro, I thought that made him at least, "street GanGsta" right there? Lol😎😶✌

    • @jasondriver9982
      @jasondriver9982 3 роки тому

      Best time in college was at FSU...

    • @hategoes2way345
      @hategoes2way345 3 роки тому

      You're a meme now. I took screenshots

  • @matteocastillosensidoni8770
    @matteocastillosensidoni8770 5 років тому +16609

    This is the most Florida shit I’ve ever heard “Florida student joins mafia on field trip”

    • @no1grenada
      @no1grenada 5 років тому +16

      Matteo Castillo Sensidoni wiilcock

    • @BlackAngus69
      @BlackAngus69 5 років тому +139

      Sounds like gay porn

    • @blue_shift
      @blue_shift 5 років тому +197

      Then gets into trouble for stealing but finds out the police are with him

    • @prettypettywise6207
      @prettypettywise6207 5 років тому +87

      Seems like a normal thing here. ( I’m from Florida)

    • @ubermenschzarathustra862
      @ubermenschzarathustra862 5 років тому +10

      They’re wild

  • @portlandsamber
    @portlandsamber 8 місяців тому +13

    I have hated on Bert and refused to hear this story. But now I'm double screening with The Machine on it's Netflix debut and Holy Moly. 54 million views? Okay Bert. You get props for that.

  • @benbrgr9
    @benbrgr9 Рік тому +374

    This was posted 6 years ago, today me and a buddy are getting hammered and going to watch it as a movie in theatres. Congrats Bert!!

    • @junkersreview
      @junkersreview Рік тому +2

      It was hilarious

    • @benbrgr9
      @benbrgr9 Рік тому +3

      @Junkers Review ngl best line of the movie mightve been that last "did I do that?"

    • @InspectorButters4
      @InspectorButters4 8 місяців тому +3

      ​@@benbrgr9That like cracked me tf up!!! Irina started off as a typical cliche Russian mobster chick, but ended up being hilarious, like a female Bert with a darker sense of humor and who enjoys murdering people!!! The movie was 10x better than I expected, congrats Bert Bert!

  • @MrEyes-xh4bb
    @MrEyes-xh4bb 4 роки тому +11203

    bert: **loves his family and is extremely loyal to his wife and children**
    also bert: **joins the mafia**

  • @valdencorr2861
    @valdencorr2861 4 роки тому +4694

    This is probably the best tourism ad I've seen for Russia.

    • @TheMrKMen
      @TheMrKMen 4 роки тому +49

      Sorry the 90s are over, the mafia is gone.😭

    • @ethansolan7465
      @ethansolan7465 4 роки тому +12

      @@TheMrKMen Mafia isn't gone at all man.

    • @TheMrKMen
      @TheMrKMen 4 роки тому +28

      @@ethansolan7465 The point is that in the 90s the police did not work, but now it works. There was a kind of anarchy. I mean, in St. Petersburg you could easily get a grenade out the window.
      Now all the basic institutions of the state are working.

    • @matthewwhite8078
      @matthewwhite8078 4 роки тому

      Booking flight now!

    • @cardorcash
      @cardorcash 4 роки тому +3

      K-Men the mafia is in the government now. Сейчас бандиты в правительстве.

  • @brianquinn8570
    @brianquinn8570 Рік тому +17

    7 years ago, one incredible story blew up the Internet. Now it's a movie

  • @elenakelly4806
    @elenakelly4806 Рік тому +190

    An investment in knowledge pays the best interest."

    • @francesdebra6939
      @francesdebra6939 Рік тому +1

      Yes, fx and Stock investment, I heard it's very profitable

    • @stefanmario3733
      @stefanmario3733 Рік тому +1

      Yes, true but I don't know anything about it.

    • @natashamike9152
      @natashamike9152 Рік тому

      I have heard so much about Stock how does it work

    • @maestrojolly5851
      @maestrojolly5851 Рік тому

      Did i hear someone say forex ?

    • @maestrojolly5851
      @maestrojolly5851 Рік тому

      Do you believe I invested £4,000 and got paid £51,070 in seven days?

  • @jamesdavis1236
    @jamesdavis1236 3 роки тому +14462

    Some old Russians are probably like “see comrades, he is real”

    • @wildflo267
      @wildflo267 3 роки тому +168

      This made my day!

    • @Ginger-vl5yo
      @Ginger-vl5yo 3 роки тому +95

      Смотрите, товарищи, машина настоящая! 😂 just walk up to your Дедушка and say do you know the machine? Wait for his response

    • @Bone_Muncher
      @Bone_Muncher 3 роки тому +20

      @@Ginger-vl5yo Привет товарищ

    • @Ginger-vl5yo
      @Ginger-vl5yo 3 роки тому +18

      @@Bone_Muncher привет товарищ

    • @derkzyyy6566
      @derkzyyy6566 3 роки тому +34

      @@Ginger-vl5yo translation: hello comrade

  • @tweetiepie551
    @tweetiepie551 4 роки тому +9508

    As a Scottish person I can. Confirm that any language can be learned in days with the assistance of excessive alcohol.

    • @donaldgrant4931
      @donaldgrant4931 4 роки тому +34

      tweetie pie really?

    • @tweetiepie551
      @tweetiepie551 4 роки тому +91

      @@donaldgrant4931 yes really.

    • @mssparkie81
      @mssparkie81 4 роки тому +11

      😂😂😂

    • @MrWongWey
      @MrWongWey 4 роки тому +12

      @@tweetiepie551 weed too?

    • @tweetiepie551
      @tweetiepie551 4 роки тому +133

      @@MrWongWey no sorry weed is useless for anything academic.

  • @ricksundberg5659
    @ricksundberg5659 Рік тому +34

    "So close I could smell his morning cigarette"...This is a great storyteller. Can't wait for the movie.

  • @911maelstrom
    @911maelstrom Рік тому +10

    The Machine and Mark Hamill bringing this story to the big screen?? I'm in!

  • @zinoxechill
    @zinoxechill 4 роки тому +7519

    In America, we have Laws
    In Russia they have Russia

    • @thepoisonkid2483
      @thepoisonkid2483 4 роки тому +146

      In Russia we have laws as well, it's just that...laws can be adapted to circumstances, money, power, the convict status... :)

    • @liharin2975
      @liharin2975 4 роки тому +36

      When law isn't trusted it's time to get funky

    • @thornthornthorne4531
      @thornthornthorne4531 4 роки тому +15

      @@thepoisonkid2483 Communism. Ya 💪

    • @thepoisonkid2483
      @thepoisonkid2483 4 роки тому +27

      @@thornthornthorne4531 As a matter of fact, not a sigle country in the world history has EVER been communist, according to the Karl Marx theory described in "Capital". socialist at best.
      If anyone wants to make fun of me, read the damn thing before.

    • @thornthornthorne4531
      @thornthornthorne4531 4 роки тому +5

      @@thepoisonkid2483 Not ONCE have I made fun of you or your damn country. Start an argument with someone who gives a fuck.

  • @crusty_
    @crusty_ 3 роки тому +7064

    Name: The Machine
    Strength:4
    Perception:5
    Endurance:8
    Charisma:5
    Intelligence:1
    Agility:2
    Luck:9

    • @savageshot3723
      @savageshot3723 2 роки тому +180

      I truly appreciate this comment. Thanks for the laugh man

    • @trayznthememecollector4412
      @trayznthememecollector4412 2 роки тому +94

      I’m actually going to try this build, what type of weapons should I use

    • @gigiachaddicus2424
      @gigiachaddicus2424 2 роки тому +100

      @@trayznthememecollector4412 "this machine" assault rifle

    • @crusty_
      @crusty_ 2 роки тому +29

      @@trayznthememecollector4412 this is actually a speech check build and my recommended weapon is the 5.56mm pistol/that gun

    • @doom5358
      @doom5358 2 роки тому +18

      @@trayznthememecollector4412 whatever weopons your given or told to take

  • @mrfacestab5758
    @mrfacestab5758 Рік тому +24

    “Seven years ago, one incredible story blew up the internet.”

  • @Bgarcia-1097
    @Bgarcia-1097 Рік тому +8

    Watched "The Machine" in theaters (May 26th). It was absolutely hilarious, and this story still continues to make me laugh. 😂😂😂😂 Please do yourself a favor and go watch the film.

  • @kams8759
    @kams8759 5 років тому +4891

    Bert: Lv1 Crook
    **says "I am the Machine"**
    Bert: Lv40 Mob boss

    • @anthalisp5790
      @anthalisp5790 5 років тому +73

      Just Call Me Sköll that’s how mafia works

    • @jakethefinn2353
      @jakethefinn2353 5 років тому +3

      Dead

    • @redandblueflower8585
      @redandblueflower8585 5 років тому +1

      That's- Ah, shit

    • @sued_
      @sued_ 5 років тому +3

      Pop that

    • @Red-le7qo
      @Red-le7qo 5 років тому +2

      Just Call Me Sköll No Mob Boss Fucking Level 1,000, 000, 000, 000 ,000 !!!!

  • @havennott7384
    @havennott7384 3 роки тому +6223

    Imagine his daughters being like "uh dad theres a man named igor at the door asking for the machine!?"

    • @kyriakosnikolaidis5368
      @kyriakosnikolaidis5368 2 роки тому +250

      that's the post credits scene

    • @amitir22
      @amitir22 2 роки тому +20

      omg.

    • @toddwalling4506
      @toddwalling4506 2 роки тому +16

      🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

    • @anti1training
      @anti1training 2 роки тому +23

      Oh you know that's coming hahahaha

    • @stalinbeballin9711
      @stalinbeballin9711 2 роки тому +161

      "To this day a large group of Russian Mafia, even those in prison, share the legend of The Machine, their very best young member they've ever had. They say he drank 100 Vodka bottles, simply stating his name and his conquest of great felines. After switching to the Moscow Mafia, as his class went there, he used his resources to befriend them as well- for the word of The Machine had spread. They had already prepared appropriate drink for such a man, and they had plans. After telling off a snobby English teacher (for this is Russia, fuck English teachers), the group, with The Machine acting quite famously, brazenly robbed the train.
      Even the cops were not immune to The Machine's charm, for they decided to drink with The Machine.

  • @slackerofhell
    @slackerofhell Рік тому +7

    This is the first story I ever heard from Bert Kreischer and afterwards I hunted down any special or clip of him I could. The situations he gets himself into are pure gold.

  • @XanderHD
    @XanderHD 11 місяців тому +4

    A couple years later and he has a MOVIE, so glad to see how successful he became!

  • @OlgaDrebas
    @OlgaDrebas 4 роки тому +8677

    Him being shirtless added to his overall pretty “russian” looks i think.

    • @allenja0
      @allenja0 4 роки тому +56

      He didn't do that till he started doing comedy.

    • @leoanhermon
      @leoanhermon 3 роки тому +20

      I think that's the point

    • @dumbshitmule2251
      @dumbshitmule2251 3 роки тому +36

      He
      D O E S N' T C H E A T
      on his
      W I F E ! ! !

    • @kodecrain4077
      @kodecrain4077 3 роки тому +4

      That's what I'm saying

    • @loganroca
      @loganroca 3 роки тому +4

      Idk what it is but it just kinda works for him

  • @loganblackmun5822
    @loganblackmun5822 3 роки тому +13849

    This is what happens when you make a 1 intelligence, 10 charisma character

  • @IdeaOfTheDayCom
    @IdeaOfTheDayCom Рік тому +9

    Looking forward to the new movie!

  • @Doughy_in_the_Middle
    @Doughy_in_the_Middle 11 місяців тому +28

    I love Bert. This movie was every single bit as hysterical as I hoped.
    If you plan on going to see this movie, and you're taking anyone who is anywhere from simply "disliking" Bert to even as much as "meh" about Bert, leave them the hell home. They might chuckle, they might laugh, but they won't TRUELY appreciate it.
    If you love his comedy, you will love every minute of this movie.
    I have watched every special of Bert's. I've watched The Machine bit at least a dozen times. My son (22) and daughter (19) have been watching him with me for years (and I took both of them to see it with me of course). Hell, I made an NPC for our D&D campaign specifically based on "The Machine" as a character who is one of the absolute favorites of any NPC I've ever made.
    The flashbacks of the original bit were followed near-perfectly (I'd have to watch it again to see which parts were adjusted to fit in the film plot). The slight alterations to the original plot to fit with the current story were just crazy enough to blend in.
    I was prepared for the humor, but I was not prepared for the level of action going on. The fight scenes were like watching Jackie Chan or Samo Hung fight if they were a overweight, middle-aged man with a receding hairline who had no martial art skills but was REALLY well choreographed and/or had a stunt double.
    I also wasn't prepared for all the touching moments. Let's be real: no one has a "normal family" and Bert's comedy act points that fact out. So in this movie, it didn't even attempt to try and fluff it up to make it seem normal. Watching it with my now adult son and daughter a couple weeks before Father's Day (intentional???) was just icing on the cake.
    I would go see this again easily in a theater. I will buy this when it comes out so I can watch it whenever I want. It was every bit as hysterical as his standup routine which I still need to make some day.
    Machine, it was an honor to share popcorn with my kids during your movie.

    • @Oogidahboogidah
      @Oogidahboogidah 6 місяців тому

      Oh so you’re the one guy who watched the movie

    • @TJEversII
      @TJEversII 5 місяців тому

      I hope you weren’t too weirded out being one of the 5 people that saw it. This unfunny garbage lost millions of dollars

    • @Doughy_in_the_Middle
      @Doughy_in_the_Middle 5 місяців тому

      Both of you guys should go watch a Brie Larson movie. Seems more like your style.

    • @Oogidahboogidah
      @Oogidahboogidah 5 місяців тому

      @@Doughy_in_the_Middle yeah coz if you don’t like fat unfunny losers with a shit laugh and boring stories, you must like Brie Larson movies. There is no in between.

  • @unwantedattention9321
    @unwantedattention9321 4 роки тому +15272

    I wonder if any of the Russian mob is watching this like, “ ah yes, the machine, cool dude”

  • @johnl3624
    @johnl3624 Рік тому +19

    I've watched this over and over for years wishing that there would be a movie and today I almost pissed myself laughing when I seen the movie trailer for The Machine!!!!! Yes yes yes it's finally happening!!!!!

  • @Alvy.07
    @Alvy.07 4 роки тому +36776

    “Florida man robs train and joins Russian mafia during school field trip”

    • @jimhutcho1083
      @jimhutcho1083 4 роки тому +1091

      Seems about right for Florida man

    • @imafraidjumitebeinagang
      @imafraidjumitebeinagang 4 роки тому +453

      Florida people doing stupid incredible shit isnt just a meme anymore

    • @michaelsieger9133
      @michaelsieger9133 4 роки тому +230

      Crashinator where do you think the meme comes from?

    • @jttekton
      @jttekton 4 роки тому +208

      @@imafraidjumitebeinagang
      He is The Machine.

    • @deathball5083
      @deathball5083 4 роки тому +50

      Hugh Mungus and no charges were on him

  • @KingKsEDC
    @KingKsEDC 4 роки тому +6963

    "Liberal Arts confidence" was the most underrated thing about the story.

    • @tfwthelsdkicksin6083
      @tfwthelsdkicksin6083 4 роки тому +21

      Somebody please explain.

    • @louismendez7961
      @louismendez7961 4 роки тому +153

      @@tfwthelsdkicksin6083 teachers with an English major (damn Democrats) are the most cocky people you'll ever meet.

    • @Bittebitte_gib_mir_gift
      @Bittebitte_gib_mir_gift 4 роки тому +16

      Agree

    • @DandDskeeto
      @DandDskeeto 4 роки тому +11

      No doubt

    • @TheTrevler
      @TheTrevler 4 роки тому +39

      Not even underrated. Hardest thing to exaggerate in any story ever.

  • @jarondee4798
    @jarondee4798 Рік тому +2

    Just got an ad for The Machine movie. As the ad said, and I quote "that's just good marketing"

  • @freya002YT
    @freya002YT Рік тому +5

    And the fact this is now a movie is insane

  • @Doom_Guy__
    @Doom_Guy__ 5 років тому +8148

    In America you follow the rules.
    In Russia the rules follow you.

    • @ds7900
      @ds7900 5 років тому +56

      lol...it's like the Wild West.

    • @donte339
      @donte339 5 років тому +69

      Comrade Pepe Am i the only one that read the Russia line in a Russian accent

    • @explosivefreak666
      @explosivefreak666 5 років тому +20

      Comrade Pepe : Russia is the Chuck Norris of countries.!

    • @explosivefreak666
      @explosivefreak666 5 років тому +3

      Inkoy : No, you are not... (Aso said with accent).. :)

    • @cornybeef
      @cornybeef 5 років тому

      DR Stock
      but cold

  • @kamikazeeOG
    @kamikazeeOG 4 роки тому +39856

    I imagine Bert visiting Russia one day and getting to shake hands with Putin. Only to have Putin lean in and say "So I hear YOU'RE the Machine".

    • @Roystothecoolkid
      @Roystothecoolkid 4 роки тому +509

      Lmao

    • @jaredreid3347
      @jaredreid3347 4 роки тому +339

      Yes!!

    • @joshblank4579
      @joshblank4579 4 роки тому +769

      BRO THIS WOULD BRING WORLD PEACE

    • @kamikazeeOG
      @kamikazeeOG 4 роки тому +994

      ​@@joshblank4579 And Hillary tries to show up and ruin shit with her 'liberal arts confidence' but Putin just boots her and says.
      "Fuck that bitch; This is Russia!" 😂🤣😂🤣

    • @alfonsocasillas8672
      @alfonsocasillas8672 4 роки тому +124

      That would be so fucking awesome!

  • @crou8040
    @crou8040 Рік тому +10

    How have I never heard this story??? I love Rogan and all his cronies, and I've never heard "the machine." I feel as though I have brought shame to my family. This is perhaps one of the top five greatest stand-up stories I've ever heard. Bravo.

    • @junkersreview
      @junkersreview Рік тому +2

      The movie was somehow more entertaining

  • @sunsin435
    @sunsin435 Рік тому +13

    Who else came back to listen because they’re making a movie about this

  • @KatKitKay
    @KatKitKay 4 роки тому +31124

    Imagine he visits Russia again after all these years and he’s just walking down the street and hears someone scream “THE MACHINE” and boom it’s igor

    • @Zappygunshot
      @Zappygunshot 4 роки тому +1963

      Wait, which one? Igor, Igor or Igor?

    • @Itsssameee
      @Itsssameee 4 роки тому +1379

      @@Zappygunshot He means Igor, not Igor or Igor

    • @Itsssameee
      @Itsssameee 4 роки тому +433

      @Trying get to Heavens Gate & cop some Nike Decades Igor and not Igor or Igor? Nah man I think it's Igor.

    • @firebreathercat133
      @firebreathercat133 4 роки тому +408

      Ya'll are tripping he's obviously talking about Igor not Igor and he's obviously not talking about Igor, that guy's a fucking nutcase.

    • @plumberdash9729
      @plumberdash9729 4 роки тому +153

      I think its igor

  • @sebastianday3243
    @sebastianday3243 4 роки тому +3945

    When he said ☆○#👟, I felt that.

    • @ryankasik7911
      @ryankasik7911 4 роки тому +5

      Right lmal

    • @MadaraUchiha-mv2hn
      @MadaraUchiha-mv2hn 4 роки тому +4

      # mood

    • @ShokkaReacts
      @ShokkaReacts 4 роки тому +4

      Star O hashoe?? Is that what you meant ?

    • @user-zb9ow6du6c
      @user-zb9ow6du6c 4 роки тому +6

      BaseManPranks if you watched 2 minutes of the video you’d get it

    • @ShokkaReacts
      @ShokkaReacts 4 роки тому +7

      @@user-zb9ow6du6c I watched the whole damn video man I just didn't get what this guy wrote with the Emojis

  • @orryyang8846
    @orryyang8846 11 місяців тому

    The machine movie is so fun to watch, haven’t watched another movie like this for years, I really wish it makes another one

  • @thehappyaipom6302
    @thehappyaipom6302 Рік тому +3

    Here rewatching to relive the glory after the movie trailer dropped. Congrats! I'm excited for it.

  • @xxturbanboyxxful
    @xxturbanboyxxful 5 років тому +2289

    'Florida man robs self with Russian Mafi'

    • @storminnorman7563
      @storminnorman7563 5 років тому +1

      whats a mafi

    • @SethBergile
      @SethBergile 5 років тому +3

      ...this week on The Onion Radio News.

    • @Xehemoth
      @Xehemoth 5 років тому +2

      LMAO I find it amazing you have 1.8k likes and only two replies. ONLY TWO REPLIES from two idiots who didn't get the joke. god damn you deserve an award for this one. best comment of 2019

    • @imacookieboichocchip8819
      @imacookieboichocchip8819 5 років тому

      stormin norman mafia you product of incest

  • @leone4238
    @leone4238 4 роки тому +7728

    Somewhere in Russia, The Bratva is watching this screaming “THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE, THE MACHINE” and going shot for shot remembering the golden days of the machine!

    • @romanpuglia
      @romanpuglia 4 роки тому +7

      1k like

    • @leone4238
      @leone4238 4 роки тому +11

      FaDe im honestly suprised that it got this many! Thanks to everyone who liked it!

    • @JohnWick-hj4ep
      @JohnWick-hj4ep 4 роки тому +13

      I'm a friend of oliver quinn

    • @cyrace4308
      @cyrace4308 4 роки тому +1

      yo oly shit im the 2K

    • @pseico315
      @pseico315 4 роки тому +5

      Unless they died in a turf war

  • @shawnking6650
    @shawnking6650 11 місяців тому

    I love, Bert! For some reason, this video over, took my telephone, as there was brainlessly scrolling through UA-cam! Then, again, for absolutely no reason this video started playing. Thank you universe.

  • @alextaylor29
    @alextaylor29 11 місяців тому +2

    Thanks to UA-cam’s algorithms seeing this for the first time. Will see this movie this week!

  • @rotsu2108
    @rotsu2108 4 роки тому +2878

    "liberal arts confidence" im crying

    • @Grumpy_old_Boot
      @Grumpy_old_Boot 4 роки тому +56

      The best part is, that I have known several women that were **just** like that !! 🤣

    • @alial-smadi8796
      @alial-smadi8796 4 роки тому +3

      LMAO

    • @readsomebooks666
      @readsomebooks666 4 роки тому +18

      And now we have the answer! Spit vodka in their face and say: “Fuck that bitch, this is Russia.”

    • @hopehasnoplacehereabandona3068
      @hopehasnoplacehereabandona3068 4 роки тому

      Bro....yes....dying!🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • @transnewt
    @transnewt 4 роки тому +2754

    this is THE florida man.

  • @ombricshalazar3869
    @ombricshalazar3869 10 місяців тому +14

    the best way to learn a language is immersing yourself in the culture and environment
    no wonder bert instantly picked up so much

  • @spartan0013
    @spartan0013 Рік тому +2

    From comedy act to movie, what a great time to be alive!!!!

  • @badandy102
    @badandy102 3 роки тому +24509

    If he ever goes back to Russia, I can imagine Putin pulling him aside and saying, "It would be an honor to have a shot with the machine"

  • @nh8489
    @nh8489 4 роки тому +4121

    Best underrated quote "I learned the language not by flashcards and textbooks, but by joining the mafia"

    • @tylerwedell3750
      @tylerwedell3750 4 роки тому +32

      You know what i can relate to that. I could barely learn Spanish from textbooks in school. I learned by listening too my co workers

    • @mrssiordia06
      @mrssiordia06 4 роки тому +15

      Same. I learned more Spanish from my first job in a fast food joint than I did from 3 years in school.

    • @jitgod1405
      @jitgod1405 4 роки тому +10

      @@tylerwedell3750 its cause to really learn a language u need tobe surounded by people that speak it

    • @pmm4177
      @pmm4177 4 роки тому +8

      His russian sentence made me laugh until I hurt, I speak russian and knew exactly what he said before he repeated it in english lmfao

    • @darmokatyoutubeleavingcomm3422
      @darmokatyoutubeleavingcomm3422 2 роки тому +1

      Why is it * that he couldn't speak a single word of Russian for the first few years he told this story?

  • @JohnC420.
    @JohnC420. Рік тому +1

    Just seen their making a movie about this can't wait to watch it

  • @glassspyders
    @glassspyders Рік тому

    I love this story. I think about this story all the time now! Sure gets my mind clear! The Machine!!!

  • @BoxRadishScissors
    @BoxRadishScissors 3 роки тому +4465

    "Do you have any idea what it's like to take a test and make up hieroglyphics?"
    *Cries into Mandarin Chinese homework*

    • @JupiterDude3000
      @JupiterDude3000 3 роки тому +119

      *Cries into Wingdings Homework*
      (yes, it is an actual class at my school, how it got accepted is beyond me)

    • @MalloryNewcomb
      @MalloryNewcomb 3 роки тому +35

      David Handley
      Oh my word I’m sorry but that’s hilarious... I always throw out Wind Dings as my joke font: the sort of jokes like “You mean you think my professor won’t want my research paper in Wing Dings?”

    • @WisconsinParkour
      @WisconsinParkour 3 роки тому +3

      Lmao...also damn.

    • @bluesknight9216
      @bluesknight9216 3 роки тому +7

      I know what it means to fail Chinese homework because I don’t know characters well

    • @davudlastname2545
      @davudlastname2545 3 роки тому +11

      Mandarin is hard as fuck

  • @fathomgathergood7690
    @fathomgathergood7690 3 роки тому +4717

    "I'm learning the language my way, not with flashcards but by joining the mafia." Submersion the best way lol

    • @kylemcspadden1550
      @kylemcspadden1550 3 роки тому +104

      Good God, as a linguist and foreign language teacher, the fact that you said submersion instead of immersion while this dude was drowning himself in liquor while learning russian is one of the funniest puns ive heard in years, thank you

    • @davidluck3539
      @davidluck3539 3 роки тому +28

      Joining the mafia, hooked-on-phonics style 😆

    • @daryl4307
      @daryl4307 2 роки тому +2

      Immersive af

    • @SCP096.
      @SCP096. 2 роки тому +1

      Time to join the polish mafia

    • @anonymousstout4759
      @anonymousstout4759 2 роки тому +3

      Dang you linguists I can't fully immersed myself to the subtlety humour of the joke

  • @jamesblake8788
    @jamesblake8788 Рік тому +6

    This is perhaps my favorite personal story from a comedian… just epic… the delivery felt like reminiscing with old friends

  • @ryanjohnson4239
    @ryanjohnson4239 Рік тому

    Just heard this tonight at your show in Minneapolis, great show, well done!

  • @sovietblobfish2744
    @sovietblobfish2744 5 років тому +5536

    He basically got adopted by the Russian mafia.

    • @ilo3456
      @ilo3456 5 років тому +115

      I legit love this story, it is just really funny.

    • @seana3918
      @seana3918 5 років тому +112

      And the russian police, and another russian mafia

    • @Ajc-ni3xn
      @Ajc-ni3xn 5 років тому +157

      “Fuck that bitch, this is Russia”

    • @theman-lh7tt
      @theman-lh7tt 5 років тому +1

      Yeet

    • @pranavtripathi6336
      @pranavtripathi6336 5 років тому +37

      If that happened to me I'd legit move to Russia

  • @PeiceofNick
    @PeiceofNick Рік тому +1

    The fact this whole story is now being brought to the big sceen blows my mind still.

  • @slpy.flower
    @slpy.flower Рік тому

    i am genuinely in love with this and wish i heard about it sooner!! 😭

  • @Dylan-py2fw
    @Dylan-py2fw 3 роки тому +7425

    “I never learned a word”
    *starts speaking Russian less than a minute later*

    • @60secondhistory9
      @60secondhistory9 3 роки тому +567

      To be fair, he didn’t learn it in class

    • @sylph8005
      @sylph8005 3 роки тому +347

      @@60secondhistory9 Yeah. He learned it through the Mafia

    • @Arel_Kursat
      @Arel_Kursat 3 роки тому +67

      Which he explained later in the story

    • @ihatecops.
      @ihatecops. 3 роки тому +18

      well it’s a fake story

    • @sylph8005
      @sylph8005 3 роки тому +57

      @@ihatecops. Okay. We can still enjoy it

  • @rambo8710
    @rambo8710 3 роки тому +2600

    Some dude:"IM THE MACHINE"
    Russian Gangsters: "HES THE MACHINE!"

    • @Ouroboros_609
      @Ouroboros_609 3 роки тому +8

      Sorry I ruined your 420 likes

    • @rambo8710
      @rambo8710 3 роки тому +6

      @@Ouroboros_609 i didnt even know i reached that many like until now that i am at 591 likes

    • @Prometheus-fc4rm
      @Prometheus-fc4rm 3 роки тому +6

      Guys in next room: tf is happening over there

    • @transferegg
      @transferegg 3 роки тому

      @@Ouroboros_609 u bastard innit

    • @thatdrumguyagain
      @thatdrumguyagain 3 роки тому

      yes, i remember that.

  • @leecrowder4934
    @leecrowder4934 11 місяців тому

    Just saw the movie the other day and loved it. Will be going again…..

  • @Rj-ij6ko
    @Rj-ij6ko 11 місяців тому +2

    “Igor i know what you said”
    “Good for you Machine”
    LOOOL, the fact that Igor probably didn’t know why he was so excited but just kinda rolled with it 😂

  • @NicBics
    @NicBics 4 роки тому +2412

    this is THE Florida man. let's show him some respect

    • @AxxLAfriku
      @AxxLAfriku 4 роки тому +3

      Let me get this straight: You comment something that is unrelated to the fact that I have two DANGEROUSLY DASHING girlfriends? Considering that I am the unprettiest UA-camr ever, having two hot girlfriends is really incredible. Yet you did not mention that at all. I am quite disappointed, dear angus

    • @sagumosageyo943
      @sagumosageyo943 4 роки тому +7

      @@AxxLAfriku I feel like I'm missing something, could you explain please?

    • @a.shuhada5543
      @a.shuhada5543 4 роки тому +8

      @@sagumosageyo943 @AxxL has been commenting the same comment on a alot of the comments here and honestly I'm pretty confused too

    • @kostok2627
      @kostok2627 4 роки тому +3

      Ahh AHH yeah he’s a weird type of troll that acts as an obvious troll for views and shit

    • @sagumosageyo943
      @sagumosageyo943 4 роки тому +1

      @@kostok2627 ahh ok thanks I was really confused

  • @trippycoolio3608
    @trippycoolio3608 2 роки тому +10999

    Bert is kinda like Groot
    “What’s your name?”
    “I am the Machine”
    “Ok, where are you from?”
    “I am the Machine”

    • @carterwilliam6351
      @carterwilliam6351 2 роки тому +129

      They were probably like you know what he’s got beer and he looks fun

    • @CEOofgoblins
      @CEOofgoblins 2 роки тому +183

      "This little frat pimp squeak is the machine?"
      "Yeah, that's the machine."
      "You're damn right he's the machine, we're getting hammered tonight."
      Bert is just sitting there like HELL YEAH IM THE FUCKIN MACHINE!

    • @Wildmoonchildani94
      @Wildmoonchildani94 2 роки тому +23

      We are the machine

    • @Heidegaff
      @Heidegaff 2 роки тому +66

      Russian gangstars, to this day, must be like "His vocabulistics is limited to "I" and "am" and "the" and "Machine", exclusively in that order."

    • @sbgsledgegames7887
      @sbgsledgegames7887 2 роки тому +5

      @@Wildmoonchildani94 We Comrade

  • @LucisXV
    @LucisXV Рік тому +3

    THEY MADE MOVIES FOR THIS OMFG. NEVER BEEN THIS EXCITED TO GO TO THE THEATRE. 😂😂😂😂😂

  • @dolantrimp1691
    @dolantrimp1691 Рік тому +1

    Looking forward to seeing his movie.

  • @mikhailzaruykin663
    @mikhailzaruykin663 3 роки тому +5262

    The machine is an urban legend where I grew up

    • @PhucDat37
      @PhucDat37 3 роки тому +106

      can you elaborate?

    • @mikhailzaruykin663
      @mikhailzaruykin663 3 роки тому +374

      @@PhucDat37 It would be an honour to get an autograph from
      The Machine

    • @PhucDat37
      @PhucDat37 3 роки тому +110

      @@mikhailzaruykin663 alright, but can you tell more of what exactly this urban legend about him is about?

    • @mikhailzaruykin663
      @mikhailzaruykin663 3 роки тому +513

      @@PhucDat37 They say The Machine can smell premium vodka from a mile away

    • @mikhailzaruykin663
      @mikhailzaruykin663 3 роки тому +442

      @@PhucDat37 They say, after The Machine freestyled against a bear, the bear needed counselling

  • @mokongthe3856
    @mokongthe3856 2 роки тому +5565

    This is what it's like playing a character in DnD with all your stats spent into charisma...

    • @certifiedbrackernenjoyer.6545
      @certifiedbrackernenjoyer.6545 2 роки тому +24

      @@normmacdonaldliveseason3ep866 Dude this sounds awsome though! Would you not want this?

    • @zh0ck
      @zh0ck 2 роки тому +14

      Haha, yes! So true

    • @ChayComas
      @ChayComas 2 роки тому +10

      I can certify that sentiment...

    • @addamsixx7915
      @addamsixx7915 2 роки тому +9

      Charisma check .. ..

    • @ChayComas
      @ChayComas 2 роки тому +39

      @@addamsixx7915
      PC: I'd like to join the local thieves guild
      DM: You don't speak the language, you don't know Thieve's Cant, you don't have any criminal background, and you have zero rapport..... Roll a charisma check with disadvantage ..
      PC: Nat 20
      DM: on both??
      PC: yup!
      DM: well, what is that total then?
      PC: 25
      DM: .... Ya, well .. I guess you do that ...

  • @vancemyers6655
    @vancemyers6655 Рік тому +2

    SAW IT TODAY. THE MACHINE IS A BRILLIANT FILM

  • @paoloparadiso4786
    @paoloparadiso4786 Рік тому +2

    ok, it's 2023. another year passes and still remain the best piece of comedy on the interent.
    see you in a year people

  • @PeterGoodnStiffTV
    @PeterGoodnStiffTV 4 роки тому +3550

    “i was in college longer than grunge music was around.”
    best. analogy. ever.

    • @squeat675
      @squeat675 4 роки тому +19

      he cracked himself up over it 🤣

    • @rrt4511
      @rrt4511 4 роки тому +8

      You wrote anal orgy wrong

    • @mistadeepweb5300
      @mistadeepweb5300 4 роки тому +4

      What's grunge music

    • @ev5837
      @ev5837 4 роки тому +3

      I love it so much when people laugh at their own jokes.

    • @solanatravis6807
      @solanatravis6807 4 роки тому

      Fucking perfect 👌🏾

  • @dreeno2382
    @dreeno2382 5 років тому +5976

    Please make this a movie

    • @abartons2
      @abartons2 5 років тому +5

      Dreeno 🙌

    • @kathalacy1894
      @kathalacy1894 5 років тому +79

      They did. It's called Van Wilder, I think.

    • @TJ_CrXss
      @TJ_CrXss 5 років тому +54

      Seth Rogan playing as Bert Kreisher

    • @ihy_btw3597
      @ihy_btw3597 5 років тому +2

      heck yeah!!!😲🔥

    • @amirjoamis6193
      @amirjoamis6193 5 років тому +30

      Only seth rogen could play this role

  • @mrr9344
    @mrr9344 Рік тому +1

    Can’t wait to see this story in the movie

  • @thegreatlonewolf9749
    @thegreatlonewolf9749 Рік тому +1

    Can't wait for the movie!

  • @Funstun-yk7oo
    @Funstun-yk7oo 3 роки тому +2876

    He is literally confessing to a train robbery and he can, because what is the government going to do to The Machine?

    • @andresherrera2902
      @andresherrera2902 3 роки тому +35

      Different country

    • @MOMOFCJ6
      @MOMOFCJ6 3 роки тому +67

      What are they gonna do it's the machine

    • @RMSLtnick
      @RMSLtnick 3 роки тому +23

      Different country and like 15 years ago

    • @RMSLtnick
      @RMSLtnick 3 роки тому +31

      Correction 25 years ago

    • @onerandombruh
      @onerandombruh 3 роки тому +17

      They will enjoy some shots with The Machine.

  • @angryyogbuscus1578
    @angryyogbuscus1578 5 років тому +3266

    *THE MACHINE RUNS ON VODKA*

  • @slimjimpotter8044
    @slimjimpotter8044 Рік тому +4

    Sir Bert. I have to say thank you for the laughs. I was about to drink again due to the stress of losing my home. Almost forgot till I started typing. One day I'll be a comidean and I can buy the house back

  • @jasonregan365
    @jasonregan365 Рік тому +2

    Can’t wait to see the movie

  • @LuckySketches
    @LuckySketches 4 роки тому +3964

    Moral of the story: confidence gets you everywhere, especially if you're in the business of making friends and not enemies.

    • @Bancheis
      @Bancheis 4 роки тому +107

      And you can hold your liquor. Don't forget that part. Very important here.

    • @Chedda3000music
      @Chedda3000music 4 роки тому +44

      Bancheis yes, people overlook the importance of being able to hold your liquor.

    • @Evected
      @Evected 4 роки тому +2

      chedda 3000 why is it important

    • @HybridAngel
      @HybridAngel 4 роки тому +4

      Allan Falaise looks like you’ve overlooked the importance

    • @lonelyscarygirl
      @lonelyscarygirl 4 роки тому +4

      @@Chedda3000music Well I'm fucked. I got dizzy from white wine.

  • @loganeasley4343
    @loganeasley4343 4 роки тому +3992

    I can’t be the only one who wants to hear the other stories he has, like the pool hall scam and the boat theft.

    • @reverendglitch
      @reverendglitch 4 роки тому +121

      He sold the story to a studio that's making it a movie, we'll get to see a lot more of it

    • @robertwilsoncastro7155
      @robertwilsoncastro7155 4 роки тому +19

      @@reverendglitch any link or name of it so i can see?

    • @reverendglitch
      @reverendglitch 4 роки тому +64

      @@robertwilsoncastro7155 Not much on it yet, Legendary got the rights to it at the end of 2019, we've got a time to wait but they're having Bert as one of the executive producers so hopefully it'll stick close to his original telling

    • @MalloryNewcomb
      @MalloryNewcomb 4 роки тому +12

      Yeah I want to hear those stories... because what if they are even better stories

    • @Random_hero66
      @Random_hero66 4 роки тому +61

      He said on the Joe rogan experience the boat theft was supposed to be a boat trip with the school but Russians didn't want to pay to rent a boat so they stole one

  • @gamergoneretro7898
    @gamergoneretro7898 11 місяців тому

    i watched this video 5 years ago. and recently i watched the movie. Man this guy is a legend!!

  • @carlwitt3934
    @carlwitt3934 11 місяців тому

    Just finished watching the movie... absolutely AWESOME!!!!

  • @0tu0tu62
    @0tu0tu62 4 роки тому +3110

    If this were literally ANYWHERE ELSE I wouldn't believe a single word he said, but this is Russia we're talking about.

    • @omarsameh7103
      @omarsameh7103 3 роки тому +134

      0tu 0tu not to mention he is a florida man

    • @whateverlolawants
      @whateverlolawants 3 роки тому +72

      OMG, my friend's stories about her semester in Russia are some of the most insane I have ever heard.

    • @neo7538
      @neo7538 3 роки тому +23

      yeah, fck that bitch

    • @Fmanzo10
      @Fmanzo10 3 роки тому +26

      Oh there are pictures out there. It’s all true, right. Down to the fanny pack he was wearing.

    • @armouredjester1622
      @armouredjester1622 3 роки тому +9

      @@Fmanzo10 Holy shit there are pictures

  • @BenWeinerRVA
    @BenWeinerRVA 3 роки тому +3910

    “They’ve alerted the police” panik
    “Don’t worry, I talk to police for both of us” kalm
    “He cracks a bottle of vodka” PANIK

    • @juandlemusr5756
      @juandlemusr5756 3 роки тому +55

      "He's the machine " Hypes in Russian

    • @samjunyi3572
      @samjunyi3572 3 роки тому +9

      Now who dares to do the same thing but the nickname 'the terminator'

    • @ghobetsky
      @ghobetsky 3 роки тому +5

      I dare

    • @redenderman2764
      @redenderman2764 3 роки тому +7

      So I understand your the machine.

    • @clarkmiller287
      @clarkmiller287 3 роки тому +1

      Underrated comment

  • @1x4
    @1x4 Рік тому

    I had never heard of this story or even of this comedian. But a movie is coming out, and now this came up on my youtube selection.

  • @NMartin2u
    @NMartin2u Рік тому

    This story/joke never get stale for me ...funny as hell every frickin time..lmbo😁

  • @commiessuckballs2287
    @commiessuckballs2287 Рік тому +4

    They made a movie out of this. THAT'S crazy!

  • @jonathanvaillancourt5593
    @jonathanvaillancourt5593 4 роки тому +2869

    Nobody:
    Duolingo sentences: _I am the machine_

  • @sashabergseid2206
    @sashabergseid2206 4 роки тому +2281

    I speak russian and when he said to the mafia “hi i work with cats” I was so confused because I didn’t know why he said that and I thought I had just forgotten the language.

    • @polychromia
      @polychromia 4 роки тому +13

      I've heard that "cats" is fenya for "fellow gangsters".

    • @dansyoutubechannel7812
      @dansyoutubechannel7812 4 роки тому +7

      what does he say when he’s like strawsvutia bitches i’m in

    • @antonivanov9367
      @antonivanov9367 4 роки тому +13

      @@dansyoutubechannel7812 it is Zdrastvuite, which means Hello

    • @dansyoutubechannel7812
      @dansyoutubechannel7812 4 роки тому +2

      Anton Ivanov thank you

    • @xrovz915
      @xrovz915 4 роки тому +1

      Paidyom, zdyen, gdye mean?

  • @thomaswoody468
    @thomaswoody468 Рік тому +1

    And now there's a movie!

  • @natakhavan
    @natakhavan Рік тому

    That's brilliant....loved it! That wud b the most awesome school/college trip EVER when ur still quite young...I'd have absolutely loved that happening at that time, in that scenario!

  • @GladiatorNL-pd7ut
    @GladiatorNL-pd7ut 3 роки тому +4495

    They should turn this story into a movie.

    • @mizobannana5119
      @mizobannana5119 3 роки тому +137

      They actually are making one

    • @lunaticfringe2763
      @lunaticfringe2763 3 роки тому +67

      National Lampoon Van Wilder is based off of him lol

    • @alamafc6433
      @alamafc6433 3 роки тому +17

      What’s it called

    • @acycle2124
      @acycle2124 3 роки тому +10

      This would be such a great comedy

    • @PolarFlix
      @PolarFlix 3 роки тому +14

      OMG YES!! i literally cant stop thinking abt it now

  • @tejay4215
    @tejay4215 5 років тому +6914

    Story: great
    Mind: blown
    Russia trip: booked
    Hotel: trivago